Woroni: Edition 9, 2011

PAGE 1 11 AUGUST 2011

Vol.63 no. 9

Www.woroni.com.au

woroni@anu.edu.au

PIGS IN BLANKETS: John XIII PRANK GOES TOO FAR CAMERON M. KNOTT EDITOR

Federal Police attended an incident at John XXIII College on the morning of July 28 involving the placement of eight feral pig carcasses in residents’ rooms at the College and adjacent carpark. Two residents have been identified as participating in the prank and disciplinary action has been taken against them. The

AFP has not laid charges.

According to College administration, “one resident brought the feral pig carcasses from his farming property.” Whether the pigs were killed for the purposes of committing the prank is unknown. The resident then drove the carcasses to college, where the second resident “put the pig carcasses on his mate’s cars and in his mates’ rooms while they were not there.” Four carcasses were placed on cars. Another four were placed in bedrooms.

College administration cannot verify whether the victims’ rooms were unlocked or not at the time.

According to residents close to the incident, some of the rooms were unlocked at the time of the prank, and rooms that were locked were broken into by opening the door from the inside. The process of breaking into rooms has been known by many residents for a number of years, and has been used to pull pranks in the past.

College administration has strict rules prohibiting unauthorised entry into another resident’s room, and against the possession of tools used to gain unauthorised access.

The John XXIII community has a long tradition of light hearted practical jokes. The vast major-

ity of pranks are harmless and no complaint is made. The possibility that animals were killed and residents’ health endangered, has lead many to conclude that this prank went too far.

ANU Security, College administration and the AFP attended the incident as soon as they were alerted. The carcasses were removed immediately, says College administration, and “no College property was damaged during the prank”.

The College has condemned the prank as “inappropriate” and offered assurance that “all steps are taken to ensure the safety and well

being of our residents.” College administration did not comment on the nature of the disciplinary action being taken. Residents report that at least one of the pranksters has been expelled.

In recent years John XXIII has worked to foster a culture of respect and compassion, with much success. Less alcoholic events are being held and rules respecting residents have been strengthened.

Love in a time of student politics It’s election season again and this year it’s even stranger than usual, as Sophie Turnbull reports.

SOPHIE TURNBULL Editor

Meet Fleur Hawes, the northern-bred pocket rocket vying for student politics glory when she runs for ANUSA President in the upcoming elections. Having spent the year as ANUSA Arts Rep, Hawes has been groomed by current ANUSA President, Leah Ginnivan, on how to steer an independent ticket through the students’ association’s doors.

Although not a member of a political party, Hawes is a former casual staffer for Labor MP Bob McMullan.

She’s no stranger to a political campaign either, having been swept up in Gillard 2010 mania.

Enter Ben Duggan, chairman of the ANU Union Board, steadfast Labor man and not insignificantly, long term beau of Hawes. Duggan’s political colours have been nailed firmly to the mast during his time working for Member for Eden Monaro, Mike Kelly. At a university level, he is a fixture mounted firmly to the ANU’s political architecture as a stalwart member of Labor Right. Year after year he gets behind a cause, throwing a garish t-shirt under his well-cut blazer and hassling Union Court traffic.

He is one of the founders of the “Stimulate” brand, the ticket that has just successfully bagged two

OPINION

spots at the Union Board table and with it, control of the Board for the next year.

In an unexpected move, Duggan has agreed to lend his Stimulate brand to a ticket running against Hawes. When Hawes’ ticket decided not to put candidates up for the National Union of Students (NUS) representative positions, Duggan couldn’t resist stepping in. “I think it’s important to have good representatives at the NUS conference” he told Woroni. What Duggan’s personal involvement will be remains unclear.

However unconfirmed reports suggest that the Stimulate ANUSA ticket is also comprised of a sweep of general representative candidates, the theory being that

they will attract voters to the ballot box and increase the votes for the NUS race.

Hawes isn’t convinced it’s a good idea. “Any ticket being convened purely on a political basis, for Labor Right in this instance, is something that students need to take into account when they vote.

The Stimulate ticket is contesting general representative positions purely to get NUS delegates up.

These people don’t care about ANU student issues and I think that’s wrong. “ So it’s Hawes’ sausage flippers against Duggan’s Stimulate mates, it’s as messy as cornflour glue, it’s trying love in a time of student politics.

Feature ATTACK OF THE ASIAN BEES P4

Culture HIPSTERS: KILLERS OF COOL P.8

PROCRASTINATION

P. 19

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NEWS

ANU Union election roundup SCOTT BOLTON EDITOR

The ANU Union Board elections held last week saw the appointment of four new Board members. Michael Hiscox, Adam Da Cruz and Xinyu Ru were the three new undergraduate members appointed while Sally Renouf was appointed the new postgraduate member.

The Union Board comprised of seven student members and two university members,

will welcome the three new undergraduate members and the one postgraduate member. The new undergraduate members will serve a two-year term, while Renouf will sit on the Board for one year.

This year the battle saw the Labor-backed Stimulate ticket (Michael Hiscox, Adam Da Cruz, Emily Criticos and Areti Metuamate) pitted against the Liberal leaning Grow ticket (Nuwan D’ Alwis, Xinyu Ru, Helen Phelps, Alex Clark and Sally Renouf).

As with previous years, the policy debate centred on ideas for

the improvement of the ANU bar and general Union facilities along with greater involvement between the Union and Clubs and Societies.

Discovery of “Braddon body” shocks Inner-North ANGUS MINNS EDITOR

Residents of the inner-northern suburb of Braddon woke on last Thursday morning to the grim discovery of a 27-yearold man’s body. The body was found in scrubland adjacent to Northbourne Flats and has since been identified as that of a university graduate living in Gunghalin. His family has requested that his identity be suppressed.

Whilst the cause of death is as of yet unknown, police have stated that the man suffered from severe head injuries, which were possibly inflicted by a sharp ob-

ject. A post-mortem is expected to be carried out on Monday (8 August).

On the day the body was discovered, police undertook an extensive search of the area, which included the closure of both southbound lanes of Northbourne Avenue until about 2:30 pm. On Saturday 6 August, however, a 17-year-old Turner man was arrested and charged with murder.

Subsequently, on Monday 8 August a second Turner man was arrested in Queanbeyan in relation to the murder. He was due to face a Queanbeyan court on Monday afternoon in order for ACT Policing to extradite him to the ACT. On Thursday afternoon police

conducted routine door-knocking of the surrounding area, as part of the search for additional information. Concerned Turner resident and ANU student Julia Wilson, who was door-knocked as part of the police investigation, told Woroni that “she found the area relatively unsafe, especially at night, and that it wasn’t unusual to encounter suspect individuals.”

ACT Policing is still appealing to any members of the public with additional information to come forward. Detective Superintendent Brett McCann stated that “Even if you think what you know about this investigation is not relevant, let police make that decision.”

Woroni is looking for new sub-editors!

We’re hoping to fill positions in Features, Culture, Opinion, News, Sport and the website.

If you’re keen to join the team, please send us an email at woroni@anu.edu.au with: – your name/degree - a preference list of sections you wish to sub-edit - how you wish to improve your nominated sections.

Woroni Editorial Board elections

The ANU Student Media Board is proud to announce the arrival of four new editors. Cameron M. Knott, Angus Minns, Uma Patel and Tom Westland were appointed after elections held in Bush Week. The new kids on the block join Scott Bolton, Elouise Fowler, Simon Thompson and Sophie Turnbull. Under the ANU Student Media’s constitution, the editorial board must comprise eight editors, with elections for four editors held twice every year. The ANU Student Media Board met for the first time last Thursday morning.

At this meeting elections were held for the Board’s executive.

Elouise Fowler was elected as Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Turnbull as Deputy-Editor-in-Chief and Angus Minns as Managing Editor. “We’re happy with the model, it means there’s some continuity,

we’ll have six months with the new editors before stepping out.” Turnbull said yesterday. Newly elected Knott is excited to be stepping up from sub-editor: “I’m looking forward to hacking residents’ phones and publishing their secrets,” he said.

The enigmatic Westland is playing it cool: “Seriously?

Was I running for editor?” he asked after delivering his five lines in the interhall production of Chicago.

A somewhat nonplussed Minns declined to comment when approached by Woroni for this story. Aloof or not, Woroni’s new editors are full of promise and plans - write to them at woroni@anu. edu.au with your suggestions.

CAMERON M. KNOTT

pleased with the development. On August 4 a BBQ lunch has held outside the School of Music to distribute copies of the Vice-Chancellor’s message to colleagues.

The BBQ organisers wanted the event to build momentum for continued opposition. “There’s real concern about complacency,” one organiser said. Although ANU Security was present during the BBQ, they did not need to intervene.

A forum is being held on Thursday, August 11 in Union Court at 1PM for students to discuss the future of the libraries. Although the amalgamation decision has been delayed, it has not been cancelled.

Art/Music schools libraries: Update EDITOR

The decision to amalgamate the libraries of the School of Art and School of Music has been postponed. Vice-Chancellor Ian Young wrote to colleagues on July 20 expressing his concern that the case for a merger had not been adequately made.

The Vice-Chancellor writes that the current proposal provides inadequate information on library usage, use of combined space, and details on financial savings. ANU Libraries is expected to compile further information to address these concerns, and will take 6 to 8 weeks.

Music and Art students are

Much Love, Woroni Submissions and Contact: Editor Woroni ANU Newspaper ANUSA Building 16T Union Court Acton 2601 Email: woroni@anu.edu.au

Printed By mpd – printing the news everyday Unit E1, 46-62 Maddox Street Alexandria NSW 2015 2011

Woroni Branding By Editors Chandler Specialist Design Elouise Fowler, Scott Bolton, info@chandlersds.com Simon Thompson, Sophie Turnbull, Angus Minns, Tom Westland, Uma Patel, Cameron M. Knott

Sub Editors Cam Wilson, Lisa Visentin Will Walton, Izzy Roper

Letters To the Editor Love us or loathe us, we’d love to hear from you.

Letter of the Fortnight will receive a kilo of coffee from our friends at Lonsdale St Roasters. (woroni@anu.edu.au or to Woroni ANU Newspaper ANUSA Building 17A Union Court Acton 2601)

PAGE 3

NEWS woroni.com.au

11th August

THE FORTNIGHT

Nazi sex dolls revealed

US debt downgraded

The Cats claw Melbourne

Adolf Hitler, genocidal tyrant…and sex guru? It has been revealed that the Nazi dictator ordered the creation of special, Aryan sex dolls for German troops in World War II. In response to reports that soldiers were catching diseases from prostitutes, the Fuhrer wanted to provide a safe, clean and synthetic outlet for their natural passions.

Fears of a double-dip recession have intensified after Standard and Poor’s (yes, the same ratings agency that thought that subprime-mortgagebacked securities were investment grade) downgraded the United States’ credit rating to AA+ from AAA for the first time ever, following a deal struck between Republicans and Democrats on the US’s debt ceiling.

The Demons have ditched coach Dean Bailey after suffering a jaw-dropping annihilation at the hands of the rampant Geelong. The Cats racked up 233 points to Melbourne’s 47 – the second largest winning margin in AFL history.

Steve Johnson shined on field, kicking seven goals and assisting in many more.

Fred in denial over ethics classes

Fred Nile has come out swinging against ethics classes in NSW primary schools, issuing a veiled threat to the O’Farrell government that he won’t support its industrial relations changes if they don’t support his private member’s bill that abolishes the program. Nile has claimed that the classes indoctrinate children in the philosophies behind Nazism and communism.

Massacre in Norway On July 22 a sequential car bombing and youth camp shooting in the Norwegian capital of Oslo and island of Utoya, respectively, claimed the lives of 78 people. The killer, Anders Breivik, was arrested shortly after on terrorism charges. The attack on Utoya was the deadliest attack by a single gunman in history, killing a greater proportion of Norwegians on July 22 then Americans on September 11.

Hama 2.0

Lego in space

Flags swing elections

History looks to be repeating itself 29 years on from 1982, when current Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad’s father, Hafez Al-Assad, razed the northern Syrian city of Hama to the ground. Last week, Syrian government forces launched a major offensive using armoured columns and snipers to subdue the restive city, which has been a major centre of the fledgling anti-government protest movement.

Current estimates place the number of casualties in this most recent attack at more than 100.

The US, no longer financially capable of sending humans into space, has settled on the next best thing: sending plastic men into space. The new NASA mission to Jupiter is carrying three Lego figurines in the shape of the mythical god Jupiter, his wife and sister Juno, and the Renaissance scientist Galileo Galilei. It remains to be seen whether any of the three will be capable of space walks or undertaking equipment repair.

A recent study from the University of Chicago observed that American voters exposed to an image of the American flag were significantly more likely to vote Republican over Democratic compared to their preference before observing the flag. The results are tentative, but this may herald a new era in flagvoting-Republican research.

Bomb collar crime

Polar bear gets very angry

Beauty is in the eye of the protester

In the first attack of its type in Australia’s history, 18-year-old Mosman schoolgirl, Maddie Pulver had what appeared to be a bomb attached to her neck. The attacker left a cryptic note demanding that Pulver refrain from calling the police and get in contact over the internet.

The note reportedly made no demand for money, despite the wealth of the girl’s father, software company boss Bill Pulver.

Just days after blogging about their excitement at sighting polar bears, a group of British tourists have been attacked by a polar bear in Norway. The vicious attack killed 17-year-old aspiring med student, Horatio Chapple and injured four members of the group he was camping with. Locals have attributed the vicious attack to the bears being left hungry and stranded in an area with diminishing ice.

Protesters gathered in Melbourne’s CDB last week to oppose the staging of a children’s beauty pageant in the city’s Western suburbs. Angry punters gathered to express their disgust at children as young as two months being entered in competitions to be judged on their facial features, hair and personality. Psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg commented late last week that the “early sexualisation of young people is associated with negative body image, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, low self esteem. It’s simply toxic to the young people of Australia.”

Plus size label no plus Vogue Australia has faced a torrent of criticism after proudly announcing that curvaceous Australian model Robyn Lawley was the first plussize model to grace the magazine’s cover. Fashion critics and the public alike have pounced, labeling Lawley “a normal, healthy woman” and even “slimmer than the average Austrlian woman.” Lawley says that after years of crash dieting to fit the skinny demands of the fashion industry she has “taken some time to allow her body to recover.”

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OPINION

Clearing the air: Climate change and your health JESSICA LEE FORMER EDITOR

A few months ago, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid studying for my own exams, I began distractedly looking through the notes of a friend who studies medicine at Sydney University. I had hoped to find creepy close-ups of weird diseases to distract me for a while, but instead I stumbled upon what could very easily be the basis for a cracker of a scare campaign, and part of the climate change debate.

What I found was an assessable outcome on the medicine syllabus titled Health Impacts of Air Pollution.

Here is some of the information of which Australia’s future doctors are required to be aware before they are allowed to practice.

“The World Health Organisation estimates that 2 million people die prematurely every

year of air pollution worldwide.

These impacts are not limited to developing countries. Australian researchers estimate that air pollution is responsible for 2.3% of all deaths in Australia with 640 to 1400 premature deaths in Sydney alone and almost 2,000 hospitalisations per year in the Greater Sydney Metropolitan Region.”

To put those statistics into perspective, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reported that diabetes was the cause of 2.8% of registered deaths in Australia in 2007. In that same year Arthritis and Musculoskeletal Disease accounted for 0.8% of all registered deaths. These are both, of course, “National Health Priorities”. If we were to look at the carbon tax in terms of a preventative health measure, or climate change prevention as a new National Health Priority, would Australians be more supportive of a price on pollution?

Perhaps we need more salient images to kick our concern into gear. The medical brief continues, “Human health effects from

air pollution include coughing, wheezing, difficulty breathing, learning difficulties, asthma attacks, acute bronchitis, angina, arrhythmias, myocardial infarctions (heart attacks) and in some cases – premature death. Impacts are expected to be intensified due to global climate change and the increased likelihood of frequent large bush or structural fires following rising ambient temperatures.”

If the thought of future generations of weak, wheezing, dyslexic children plagued by chronic pain, murmuring hearts and short life spans doesn’t get the Australian public to shake off their fear of change, then surely nothing will.

Finally, med students are informed that the health effects of climate change will hit those sectors of society least equipped to cope: “It is commonly observed that emissions from industry, busy roads and other sources are more likely to impact on lower socioeconomic groups living in public housing or in neighbourhoods

where the real estate is cheaper. “ If you have an immune system of steel, hate children and don’t care much for the plight of the masses, this line of argument for a price on pollution might be lost on you. So, if you would prefer to discuss the advantages of action on climate change in the language of taxpayer dollars and effect on one’s hip pocket, I can offer a similarly grim line. Allow air pollution to increase and so will the strain on our hospitals.

Strain on hospitals is a baseball bat straight to the front right pocket of your favourite moleskins. A failing healthcare system a few years down the track is likely to siphon far more out of your coin jar than the government’s carbon tax and ETS. So if not for the environment, the polar bears or the people of Kiribati, support a price on pollution for your wallet and your health.

If you think the Asian bee issue is important and you care about Australia’s agricultural industry, economy, environment and biodiversity, please take the time to make your voice heard on this issue. Write to your local member, or visit the website http:// www.securefoodsavebees. com, where you can find more

information and fill in the ‘call to action’ email to Senator Joe Ludwig, the Minister for Agriculture. Like with cane toads, climate change and deforestation, taking action on Asian bees now could prevent dire consequences in the future.

Bee afraid: Asian bee invasion a real buzz-kill KATHERINE QUINN WRITER

In 2007, a nest of Asian bees was discovered in the mast of a yacht in Cairns, and since then nests have been found throughout northern Queensland. Described as “cane toads with wings”, Asian bees are a serious pest, but in February of this year the federal government withdrew the funding for the $5 million eradication program on the basis that the bee was “ineradicable”. This decision was met with widespread consternation, and in response the government has agreed to implement a provisional $2 million containment program.

However there are growing fears that current efforts will prove inadequate to preserve our agricultural and beekeeping industries.

The Asian bee poses a significant threat to the Australian environment and economy for a number of reasons.

Unlike European honey bees,

the primary domesticated bee species in Australia, Asian bees do not produce surplus honey and cannot be managed in commercial hives. Instead, they survive by robbing the hives of other species of bee, and as such pose a significant threat to European honey bees and, in particular, commercial hives. Further, Asian bees compete with native birds and small mammals such as possums and bats for nesting sites, pollen and nectar, and they are a natural host to the Varroa mite, a parasitic mite which has the capability to wipe out millions of European honey bee hives. The destruction of European honey bee populations in Australia would not only jeopardise the $80 million beekeeping industry, it would also mean a loss of pollination which would threaten horticultural and pasture crops, potentially leading to the loss of 20,000 full-time jobs and economic losses upwards of $6 billion.

It’s clear that the Asian bee incursion is a serious issue. So why has the government withdrawn the funding from the eradication program? This question was the focus of a Senate inquiry in March, and the Hansard from the inquiry

is a tale of bureaucratic farce. The CSIRO’s pre-eminent Asian bee expert was mysteriously left off a mailing list, which meant that the CSIRO wasn’t consulted on key issues, and the decision that the Asian bee was ineradicable was made on the basis of questionable science.

There are many experts who believe that eradication is still achievable, but it’s difficult to see how anything can be accomplished in terms of either eradication or containment when the government is willing to contribute only $2 million to a problem which could potentially cost Australia billions. $2 million is a pittance in the context of federal funding, and it seems especially ridiculous when you consider that $20 million was granted to the National Arboretum in April of this year – a facility which relies largely on European honey bees to pollinate its plants. Furthermore, the funding for the Asian bee containment program is only provisional, which means that in future this invasive pest may be allowed to spread beyond Queensland; and if the bee is not eradicated it is likely to spread to most parts of the country.

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OPINION woroni.com.au

11th August

Dear Agony Aunt Dear AA, One day when I was talking to this amazing guy I met over the internet, we touched on the topic of sex and we started cybering…

But I know that he would never like me and similar things would never happen again, however, these days I really need a man in my life and I just hope that he will be “the one”. Am I thinking too much?

Signed, HeartlessSoul Whoah, Jet Li, settle down!

You must be very careful when invoking the title of “The One”. There are very strict rules that come with labelling (or burdening) someone with that title. I’ll address the elephant in the room first; what is the factor connecting every Disney princess and her prince?

They’ve physically seen each other outside of a computer screen (even WALL-E, and he WAS a computer screen!).

Seriously honey, if this was a triathlon you’d be one of those fat kids that drowned in the opening swim – but don’t lose hope! If one person has any sexual interaction with another, then there must be some form of attraction, otherwise they wouldn’t have had a sexual encounter in the first place!

Furthermore, ‘cybering’ is as good a sign as any that you two work on some level that is beyond friendship (fantasising sexual scenarios and then getting yourselves off at the same time has a tendency of doing that).

Your second concern is that you appear to be suffering from a case of the “I’ve got no other options” virus. This is quite common around the end of Semester 1/beginning of Semester 2. The main symptom of this love-virus is that you overthink meaning from potential mates. For example, just because you had one cyber-fling with a random you met on the internet doesn’t mean you should start hearing wedding bells! That’s madness!

However, if you do keep talking

on the internet, maybe you will work the up the courage to meet in person? Have a coffee? Go on a date? Fly a kite? Have reallife sex? Balance your career and relationship? Move in together?

Hunt and stalk forestry students?

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS OCCUR OUTSIDE OF THE WORLD OF WARCRAFT? In conclusion, ‘The One’ is a title much like ‘he-who-mustnot-be-named’ from Harry Potter; do not dare speak it aloud, for it is akin to a curse. Remember that calling someone ‘The One’ is the exact same as calling them ‘The-One-Person-In-The-WorldWho-I-Will-Forsake-All-OthersFor-And-Spend-The-Rest-of-MyLife-With-Until-We-Die-AndEven-If-One-of-Us-is-Mutilated-In-A-Car-Crash-and-Has-toEat-Out-of-A-Tube-and-Communicate-Through-A-ComplicatedSeries-of-Beeps-and-Moaning’.

Do not even think of uttering this term until you are very very prepared - because like Voldermort, chances are it will ‘apperate’ be-

fore you and bite you in the ass.

Dear AA, I am a HUGE fan and single.

Can you please send a photo?

My friend who works for Woroni says you are an AILF (Can you even pronounce that?). Whatever, do you have any tips for surviving Uni for Semester 2?

Signed, AuntLover69 The start of Semester 2 sucks balls. If it wasn’t for the fact they dumped the 10-3 week termsplit then I would have written the whole thing off. Attending classes during Bush Week is a chore, and the weather is cold for the first chunk of this dreary Semester. Things get better when the weather starts warming up and ducks start attacking your shins!

Here’s a fun tip; if you are wearing jeans and the ducks start hissing at you, just stand there and stare them down. Ducks can’t do shit against a good pair of pants!

Stupid ducks (heaven help you if you are wearing shorts though).

Other things to look out for in-

clude Student politicians roaming Union court and the trees shooting treesperm everywhere.

Did you know a good way to treat asthma is to get intestinal worms? Asthma is an overactive immune system turning on your own body, but intestinal parasites help lower your immune system to prevent its effects! Finally, don’t listen to anything I’ve said I’m clearly advocating you catch parasites instead of using your puffer… But I will send you a photo because you asked nicely ;) That’s it for now lovelies but please send me any questions you have on love, life or the campus (and I’ll keep your email anonymous); Woroni@anu.edu. au or Aggieaunty@gmail. com

What Norway must do in the wake of terror James Gaetani writes on the strength and characterof a nation dealing with the aftermath of the Oslo attacks.

JAMES GAETANI WRITER

The twenty-second of July 2011 will forever be scarred in the memory of the Norwegian nation. The shores of the Oslofjord had not seen such carnage, brutality and disrespect since the Wehrmacht goosestepped into Norway.

Yet, seventy-one years later, this disaster was fronted by a single man. After his execution, the name of the Nazi collaborateur premier ‘Quisling’ became synonymous with ‘traitor’. I can only wonder what ‘Breivik’ will come to mean.

The massacre that left 76 dead has seen a nation striving for a better and peaceful world descend into distress and grief. However, it is in the Norwegian mentality to unite and carry on. After 400 years of Danish domination, followed by close to 100

years of a Swedish union, it was this mentality, this culture, this collective being of unity that I witnessed on my recent exchange there. With strength descended from Vikings, the modern Norwegian nation has shown resilience and valour in championing peace over conflict, democracy over totalitarianism and tolerance over hatred. Norway welcomes thousands of immigrants and creates a sense of belonging among them. Many Norwegians warmly welcomed me into their homes.

The ability to make an exchange student feel welcome into a host country is a particularly difficult task, especially in the midst of a harsh Nordic winter.

Whilst the voice of one man has heard across the world, voiced through the most diabolical acts, it has been drowned by the repudiation and solidarity of the international community. Since 1945, Norway has stood up for the world, and now the world stands with Norway. The perpetual defence of peace and dignity

has united its people and will help them move on from this unspeakable act.

In the face of the abyss, Norway has stood resolute and strong, clinging to its core of peace, love and democracy. Norway has demonstrated to the world how to deal with a crisis without descending into conflict. Lessons should be learnt from the actions after Oslo 2011. From the natural beauty of each town to the exquisite beauty of its people, Norway and its mentality can portray so much to students of politics and society. With their quiet cooperation with Europe, their love affair with social democracy and their fierce protection of equality, this northern periphery is truly a unique bastion of moral and ethical strength in an ever-globalizing world.

Norway must stand by its values. We, as the international community, must stand by Norway in its pursuit for a better world order. We must support Norway as it continues in its mission and let no man prevent it. The most fitting

way to end this tribute of solidarity to Norway is to quote the Norwegian premier, Jens Stoltenberg: “You will not destroy our democracy, or our commitment to a better world.

No one shall bomb us to silence, No one shall shoot us to silence, No one shall scare us out of being Norway.”

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LETTERS

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Tune in on Mondays @ 9.30am!

PAGE 7

FEATURE woroni.com.au

11th August

Woroni Scav Hunt comes and goes The only thing we didn’t find was interest, as our Features team reports.

In the 1964 ANUSA minutes the Scavenger Hunt was described as “average” and having been “virtually carried out by the committee and a minute group of interested people.” Not much has changed in 2011.

Despite the best efforts of a dedicated team within Woroni, the Scav Hunt attracted few participants, with only three teams participating. Having said that, those teams that did enter more than proved their worth as superior scavenger hunters. Highlights included a wide array of animal organs, the finest fetish porn Fyshwick had to offer and numerous marriage proposals to the one and only Ben Wellings.

It was a close run thing, but in the end the suitably named “Three Pillars” took out first place, along with the $300 cash prize. Luke Mansillo came in a narrow second, with the “Four Pillars” bringing up the rear.

We here at Woroni feel the time has come to reevaluate the future of the Scavenger Hunt. What are your thoughts? Why didn’t/did you enter? Write to us woroni@anu.edu.au.

Top Left: Winning team “Three Pillars” revels in the spoils of victory. Top Right: John XXIII’s college mascot shows off his latest acquisitions. Bottom Left: Winning portrait of our two great political leaders. Bottom Right: Woroni proves its real worth.

PAGE 8

FEATURE

The empty hipster package LISA VISENTIN

mutton vintage and horn-rimmed glasses exude an unimpeachable FEATURES hipness. Even the most hideous SUBEDITOR of outfits can be sufficiently hip as long as they are worn ironically.

Naturally, it’s a style best complePioneered in the 1950s by mented by a placidity of personalthe original pinup boys of re- ity bordering on blandness so as bellion (think James Dean and to not overshadow the quirk of Neal Cassady), every decade their physical difference. There since has seen a countercul- is something disturbingly disinture youth movement defi- genuous and paradoxical about a antly carve out their own gen- pro-consumer yet downwardlyerational-specific opposition mobile class whose membership to the status quo. If it’s true is restricted to the bourgeois. that a decade’s subculture be- Their interaction with society’s comes the nostalgic legacy of lower middle class extends only that era, then we ought to feel to the romanticisation of the hobo pretty jipped that we got stuck aesthetic for the purposes of garwith the apathetic, underfed, nering stylistic street cred. In reculturally pious, narcissistic ality, the hipster has little real in‘hipster’. Too aesthetically teraction with society’s poor and fixated to pull off the anti- contributes nothing to improving materialism, bohemian-hedo- their social mobility.

Then there’s the irony that nism pioneered by Kerouac’s beatnik generation; too vapid the hipster has become a global to be politically engaged like phenomenon. A rebel consumerthe 60s activists; too reticent based culture that’s centred upon to rock the self-destructive the idea that they are opting out’of “I don’t give a fuck” refrain mainstream fashion when in realiof the 80s grunge, our gen- ty they are opting in to an increaseration’s renegades, in their ingly universalised concept of inobsessive pursuit of aesthetic dividuality. The ‘hipster aesthetic’ has become a project of mass originality, commodifiare sucOur generation’s renegades cation and cessfully are standing for that c o n s u m standing which no our generation’s erisation of for that subculture has ever stood originality which no b y. . . w e l l , for: nothing. other genus. Freee r a t i o n ’s subculture has ever stood for: lance, amateur paparazzi have charged themselves with capturnothing.

They are the aristocrats of ing the latest trends that are sauntaste in a social class where tered up and down the hipster wealth is measured in terms of ghettos of New York, Copenhagen style and where the currency and the other international cities is “products”. No philistines of style. These are then posted on allowed. As the acquisition their blog and re-blogged a zillion of the cultural capital nec- times across the world before they essary to enter this cool-cat are speedily repackaged and sold elite is dependent upon real back to us by global companies capital, the illusion of the im- as a universalised and prepackpoverished struggling artist aged stab at individuality. So are is often just that, an illusion. we responsible for the prolonging Sorry poor people, this means the life of the insufferable hipster?

Well, if we can be blamed for renyou’re also out.

And that’s where the irony dering the poor androgynous souls victims of their own narcissism, begins.

There’s irony at a stylistic entrapping them in a vicious cycle level: a bizarre fetishization of trend-setting, identity theft and of impoverishment where the forced reinvention, then maybe a look of “romantic destitution little. But if they’re thinking anybut spiritual wealth” comes thing when perfecting their fauxwith a Gucci pricetag. Unflat- nonchalant, “I don’t like the fame tering lamb-dressed-up-as- but please don’t stop snapping”

‘

‘

non-smile for a street-style blogger, then I’m sure it’s not this.

This brings us to the final scrumptious morsel of irony: it’s profoundly uncool to be a hipster.

Differentiating between the legitimate trailblazers of ‘cool’ and the imposters can be an impossible task, the end result being that they all get tarnished by the same brush of hate. Whilst the is former accused is stripping the counterculture movement of all the subversive badassness that history

has taught us to expect from our generation’s rebels, the later is accused of pathetically trying to buy into a superficial and exclusively elite youth subculture. All this nutshelled? Step 1 to being a hipster is to deny that you are a hipster. Step 2: hate all other hipsters for one of the above two reasons.

So, in the theme of irony, perhaps a reinvented cliché maxim can be used to best describe the lesson of the hipster project: if a book demands to be judged by

its cover, then we had best get a-reading. With so many people externalizing their “uniqueness” in the same way, true originality has been returned to its rightful place.

We must strip away the masquerade mask of “cool” or the dagginess of the “uncool” and explore the wonderment and creativity of the psyche underneath. Ah, a happy ending after all.

PAGE 9

FEATURE woroni.com.au

11th August

Featured review:

Kissinger your own arse, Henry!

EDITOR

I have read a great many reviews of this book, but I have yet to find one which begins with what is surely the most important fact: On China is written by a war criminal.

Its author, Henry Kissinger, is of course better known as the former Secretary of State and National Security Advisor under Nixon and Ford, the man who engineered the diplomatic opening with China; as chairman of the 40 Committee, he was also privy to and partially responsible for all covert operations undertaken by the US government.

Now, the details of what Kissinger did with this power have been exhaustively described elsewhere, most ably by Christopher Hitchens in The Trial of Henry Kissinger and Seymour M. Hersch in The Price of Power. There isn’t the space here to elaborate on Kissinger’s role in the assassination of René Schneider, the bombing of civilians in Laos and Cambodia or the Indonesian invasion of Timor Leste.

Yet even if you were completely ignorant of Kissinger’s depraved career, you wouldn’t have to read much of this book to get a feel for the moral quality of its author.

To open On China is, for example, to come face to greasy face with a man who

all but condones the Tiannamen Square massacre as a response to the protesters tempting the government “into rash acts”.

He also comes as close as you can to eulogising the monstrous Chairman Mao, who, it is implied, deserves much of the credit for China’s current prosperity.

The Chairman, Kissinger says breezily, “cleared away the underbrush” for the economic reforms of Deng Xiaoping. Does this “underbrush” include the tens of millions of people for whose deaths Mao is responsible?

Not that Kissinger is deaf to humanitarian matters. To some people, our author allows, “the tremendous suffering Mao inflicted on his people will dwarf his achievements.” But what about our author? What is the result of his moral arithmetic? One waits in vain for judgement, for Kissinger, as usual, slithers away from the question before he is forced to take a side himself.

What he aims to do, he claims, is to explain the philosophical underpinnings of China’s attitude towards the rest of the world. And it would be churlish not to admit that Mr Kissinger has something of the mind of a scholar.

Yes, there is some genuinely interesting stuff in here. Kissinger’s analysis of the ancient Chinese board game wei qi as an example of strategic encirclement is moderately diverting. However, a great deal of Kissinger’s analysis relies on the work of established China specialists. So why not simply consult their works instead?

There’s a lot about the legacy of recent history; but is there anthing particularly new about the theory that successive humiliations at the hands of the West have shaped Chinese attitudes? Did any of us really need to be told, for example, that the Opium Wars had consequences?

Kissinger says the West should try to find common aims with the Chinese – the reader being left, by and large, to guess what these might be. The vague, moist idea of a “Pacific community” appears tantalisingly at the end of the work, but is left unfinished, a worthless, unformed thought bubble.

Overall, Kissinger seems re-

markably confident that China and the West can share power peacefully.

This may, however, be more frightening a prospect than Mr Kissinger’s glib, annoying prose would suggest.

After all, we don’t have to guess just how much Kissinger would

‘

But at least we can hope that [Kissinger] dies before he can enjoy any of the proceeds of this dreadful book.

‘

TOM WESTLAND

have us sacrifice in order to remain on good terms with China’s leaders - he has something of a

track record in this area.

In 1971, after a landslide election win by opposition parties, the Pakistani army carried out murderous attacks in what is now Bangladesh. Despite brave attempts by State Department officials like Archer Blood (whom Kissinger demoted) to get the US to condemn the mass murder of innocent men, women and children, President Nixon said and did nothing as the death squads went about their work.

Why? Because Kissinger was, at the time, preparing for the famous diplomatic thaw with Beijing, and Pakistan was a key go-between between the two superpowers.

Substantial documentary evidence exists to show that Kissinger was happy to allow Pakistan’s President Yahya Khan a free and murderous hand in East Pakistan in return for his help in facilitating

diplomatic rapprochement with China.

Thousands – possibly millions – of Bengalis died in the massacres. In his book, Kissinger is understandbly b silent about their noble sacrifice for the cause of Sino-American relations.

(The same is true of all but a couple of reviewers: Kissinger’s only act of genius ever has been the cultivation of an extraordinarily large garden of literate sycophants.)

The author of On China is unlikely to meet a lonely end in some dingy cell in The Hague, as he so richly deserves. But at least we can hope that he dies before he can enjoy any of the proceeds of this dreadful book.

PAGE 10

CULTURE

You da man!

MARK FABIAN WRITER

My last article ended with a question: ‘would you rather be high calibre or a quality human being’. This line was inserted by one of the editors after an unfortunate technology failure. Entirely the fault of Microsoft of course, but it did kind of miss the point of the article.

I intended to communicate that being high calibre and a quality human being

shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.

There is no reason why the ‘average’ individual cannot be just as high calibre as Nick Reiwoldt, Nietzsche, Mozart or Einstein, albeit for different reasons.

The content of ‘high calibre’ is too often narrowly defined as a degree of ultra-specialised perfection. Individuals capable of this kind of quality often manifest negative traits like obsessive compulsion, prickliness, poor social skills, limited personality and the like. They are doubtless high calibre, but this definition excludes a great many fantastic people.

A much healthier definition

would revolve around whether someone is the best they can be, whether they make a valuable contribution to society, whether they are a genuinely ‘good’ person, or even whether they are easy to get along with.

Such a change in attitude towards what constitutes a quality human being has broad ramifications for society. At present, our narrow conception funnels people towards the neurotic pursuit of perfection, or self-identification with mediocrity. If you’re not going to be the best, you might as well aim low and hit.

I consider this attitude toxic.

Just because you are not capable of standing out does not mean you should be content with pedestrian existence. Celebrating the average should not be synonymous with idealising or even accepting laziness, fear or wretchedness.

Happiness and wellbeing are intimately tied up with being who you are and comfortable in your skin. So long as we encourage people to conform to objective standards of worthiness that don’t acknowledge individuality we are laying the foundations for neurosis. It is for this reason that the bourgeois/private school obsession with medical and le-

gal careers grinds my gears.

A builder, physiotherapist or jeweller should have just as much social status as a QC. What counts is the degree to which the individual flourishes in their career and life.

Education, but also our cultural standards and ideals more generally, must grow in scope to capture a deeper conception of worthiness and quality.

A longer version of this article is available at markfabian.blogspot.com

thinking up the obvious points.

The true procrastination potential comes as you point and laugh at the terrible grammar and poorly developed arguments in the comments. www.idebate.org Anybody who has read/seen that scene in American Psycho (search “American Psycho business card” on YouTube) knows the value of good stationery. So surely it’s not a waste of time to browse the offerings of some of the world’s finest stationers to decide which of their products you’ll have personally engraved when you make it big.

Now that you’ve seen all the

bookmarks in my “Awesome” folder (except the somewhat embarrassing Pokémon-related ones), you can check out other peoples’ too on Delicious. Kind of like StumbleUpon, except without the obnoxious downloading.

Of course, once you’ve done all that and find there’s nothing happening on Facebook, there’s always the bizarrely compelling www. snapbubbles.com (virtual bubble wrap). Or, you know, you could do your readings.

Intellectual procrastination 101 AVA ATKINSONBARCLAY WRITER

This time of the semester, we face the age-old dilemma of students determined to make a go of the new semester but still feeling that incessant urge to do something – anything - other than the reading you’ll be discussing in your tutorial tomorrow. Usually, this results in an awkwardly long Facebook chat with your estranged Uncle’s stepdaugh-

ter’s German exchange partner.

But for those of you who still retain aims of self-improvement, I have several websites more productive than Facebook which are still useless enough to make you want to visit them.

While I remain unconvinced of its efficacy as a vocabularybuilder, Free Rice lets you impress others with tales of how many children you’ve prevented from starving. Also, highly addictive.

Far more satisfying than actual studying is planning your study..

You can spend hours reading these tips to being a better student and feel like you’ve accom-

plished something. calnewport.com/blog/ TED Talks are a series of speeches no longer than 18 minutes from eminent people around the world, while Academic Earth combines universities’ online academic resources. The thinking man’s Youtube.

Even if The Onion wasn’t hilarious, it would be worth it for the smug feeling that you know this “news source” is a parody, unlike the poor folk quoted at literallyunbelievable.org.

Used correctly, Debarabase can be a broadly helpful first stop for many Arts essay topics (especially Politics), saving you the strain of

tion: that sense of achievement and the accompanying adrenaline high. You have grown accustomed to being seen as aloof and unsympathetic. You just find it hard to express your empathy towards others.

You always plan ahead. You take extra courses in an attempt to finish your bachelor’s degree in record time and forgo holidays in favour of prestigious internships.

But the adrenaline highs never last long enough. So you endlessly chase after the next big thing.

You’re never satisfied. If your current job isn’t a step closer to the next job, it’s a waste of your time.

You don’t think you need help moving from place to place or lugging huge bags. As painful and tiring as it can be, your pride won’t let you ask for help. It’s

hardly surprising people find you stubborn.

After a few years at work, you find yourself increasingly dissatisfied with your own incompetence. You quit your job, convinced that you need further education. You take on another degree - be it Masters, MBA or a PhD. Your hunger for perfection drives you insane sometimes.

Acceptance into a prestigious postgraduate degree gives you that instant high once again, but it quickly sinks away.

Some days you wish you were in the dark, watching the madness of the carousel from safety On other days, you wonder if there would be one day where you make it to the calm centre of the ride.

Carousel crazed JASMINE ZHENG WRITER

A giant, noisy, brightly-lit, gaudy carousel, whirling ever faster. Some watch and wonder from the darkness outside while others try to climb aboard. Some are clinging on precariously, trying not to fall off.

The successful riders grin giddily. A few sit in the still centre, sipping champagne.

You look towards the controller’s booth and see that it is empty! This is the modern world.

From a young age you have focused on your achievements, in pursuit of perfec-

PAGE 12

CULTURE

Suburban blurbs: Belconnen OLIVIA CLARK WRITER

People move to Belconnen, or “Belco” for different reasons. Some move for the cheap housing prices and to get away from what I have been told are the “young, Bohemian ANU types.” Others are there because, as one charming security guard told me: “I don’t fucking care about fancy coffee shops or bars. All you need is a burger and a beer.” And others are there because they believe Civic has become a hub for “men with long hair and louts.”

Belconnen isn’t so easy on the eyes. It evokes memories of the many derelict towns passed through on the obligatory Christmas family road trip through the centre of Australia. The light feels darker, the streets are empty and street after street is filled with Chinese restaurants with 1980s signage.

Belconnen is the Parramatta of Sydney, a satellite city that encompasses other suburbs like Bruce, Kaleen and Evatt.

Like Parramatta, it boasts the requisite sprawling Westfield and even a Max Brenner. A number of people that I spoke

Westfield Belconnen, sparking the gentrification

to emphasised that Belconnen has become safer and rejuvenated after the construction of Westfield.

Westfield has been paradoxically praised for attracting families and young students to the area.

Charmwood, an area in Belconnen that was once notorious for drug addicts and housing department flats, is now home to young public servants.

Sitting awkwardly near the imposing Westfield is a little ethnic enclave. Indian, Cambodian, and Lebanese shops fill the streets.

My security guard friend assures

me he doesn’t mind “bloody migrants as long as they don’t take too much restaurant space away from Hungry Jacks.” It is slightly ironic that one of Canberra’s only two Halal shops is less than 200m away from the Department of Immigration, each building a stark reminder of the other. The Halal shop serves the local Islamic community of Belconnen and Tuggeranong, many of whom are currently undergoing a month of Ramadan. I met three of the eight siblings of the Hashmi family who work here, selling an eclec-

tic array of Middle Eastern specialities like goat, tubs of cumin and cardamom and even a miswak; a teeth cleaning twig. The recent Four Corner’s report on live trade to Indonesia has been an untimely disaster for this family. Just weeks after buying the shop they were faced with rocks through their windows and streams of hate mail. None of these angry people who thought they were ‘fighting’ for animal rights ever thought to ask if this shop even sold meat from Indonesia. They don’t.

What Belconnen lacks in aes-

thetics, it offsets with community. There are no fancy coffee shops, bars and even the streets feel vaguely depressing. But there is a lake, (Lake Ginninderra) and the community, especially the migrant community, is diverse and interesting. The people here love Belco, despite its endless car yards, and so by the end of a seriously strange afternoon, I am warming to it.

Well, sort of.

All things furry and illicit

ZID MANCENIDO WRITER

Iceland has a shoot-on-sight policy when it comes to polar bears. Well actually, it’s a ‘shoot if you feel threatened’ policy but when it’s a famished polar bear who’s just been on stranded on an ice floe for a week, who really thinks of cuddly Sea World plushies? Historically polar bears come visiting once every decade or so but in the past three years there have been four appearances and animal rights activists have are questioning the rationale behind shooting an internationally endangered animal and asking why there isn’t

a polar bear in Iceland’s zoo, Reyjkjavic Family Park.

(What is in the zoo, this writer is still trying to find out.)

Speaking of animals, Noor Mahmood, a United Arab Emirates national was arrested on May 13 at Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi Airport, when four baby leopards, one marmoset, one gibbon, and an Asiatic black bear cub were found in his hand luggage. Mahmood made it through airport security and x-ray scanners, but was nabbed at the boarding gate by Thai wildlife police (yes, they have their own

special unit).

The illicit flora and fauna trade is apparently the second biggest in Thailand after narcotics. World-

wide estimates (generally unhelpful) claim the trade generates up to 10 to 30 billion USD a year with 25 per cent of it trafficked

through South East Asia.

But the payoffs of this criminal trade seem to quite outweigh the potential risks. With a blackmarket price of almost 15 000 USD per leopard cub in the Middle East, but only a maximum fine of 40 000 Thai Baht (1350 USD) and/or a 4 year jail sentence, I’m sure there are potential investment bankers reading this and scratching their heads.

To make things better (or perhaps worse- apologies Enviroment Collective, but you knew I was a lost cause), Mahmood was released the following day after posting bail. He’s now back home living the good life with all the tiger cubs he did manage to smuggle across the border.

PAGE 13

CULTURE woroni.com.au

11th August

Chicago had it coming ISABEL ROPER CULTURE SUB-EDITOR

Executive Producer Jarrod Hulme-Jones described it as “one of the finest productions ANU has ever produced”. Despite an air of dubious self-congratulation and tautology, this is a fair summation of the Interhall Production Committee’s first ever show. Chicago opened on Wednesday night to a full house of university students all too keen on the themes of sex, betrayal and petty rivalries. Rebecca MacCallion was

spiteful and desperate as murderess Velma Kelly, while Hannah Wood shone as Roxie Hart, with a disturbingly vacant doll-face in “We Both Reached For The Gun”.

Casey White’s band was consistently fantastic despite occasionally stifling the singers, who were let down by dysfunctional microphones; this problem was cleared up halfway through the show’s run. Xavier Dunn slightly overacted an otherwise-charming Billy Flynn, the smooth-talking lawyer hired by Roxie and Velma to get them out of the noose using not much more than press power and a few handfuls of sequins. Alan Moxey was likeable as Roxie’s pathetic husband Amos

The cast & crew of Chicago on set. Photo by Adam da Cruz

Hart and Alex Davis sleazed her way through her scenes as “Mama” Morton. The show was long (running to three hours) and some scenes unnecessary (“When Velma Takes The Stand” and the

poker game). But while the overambitious production didn’t quite hit every note on the epic scale and spectacle of the musical stage, this should be forgiven as the first attempt at initiating an ongoing

Best way to stay

DUBLIN FOR TIGHT ARSES

Couch surf. Dublin locals are chatty, cheeky folk and generous beyond measure, while official accommodation is always expensive for what it is. If you’re squeamish about crashing on someone’s sofa, Litton Lane Hostel sits right in the centre of Dublin and is much cheaper than other hostels in the area. They’ll even let musicians pay for their accommodation with performances, so pack your maracas.

City and daily budget: Dublin, Ireland ($60 – $90) JESSICA MILLEN WRITER

Get around:

Toners on Baggot St. One of the oldest pubs in Ireland, Toners is a true Dublin pub with wooden interiors, a great range of beers and plenty of grumpy old men nursing their pints. A pint of the black stuff will cost about €6, which is fairly standard all over Dublin.

The pub’s snug, a private room with a shuttered window that leads to the bar, is a charming, cosy spot for a few drinks after a long day of sightseeing.

Eat in Eating out in Dublin is expensive, anywhere you go – even a greasy kebab from a greasy corner joint will set you back €7 or so – so cooking for yourself is the way to go. Fresh produce markets are held every day on Moore St, where you can buy everything you need for a fraction of the supermarket price. Don’t buy from the stands at the entrances to the market – vegetables tend to cost more when they’re sitting on prime food-market real estate.

Explore Howth Bay. Catch the DART (Dublin Area Rapid Transit) to the fishing village of Howth for about 5euro return and do the cliff walk that follows the coastline around the town.

The views on this three-hour circuit are spectacular, and even better, absolutely free.

Visit

Everything without a price tag. South of the Liffey River, have a wander through Trinity College, walk around the lake in St Stephen’s Green or pick your way through the Oscar Wilde quotes that surround his statue in Merrion Square Park. Entry to the Chester Beatty Library, which houses the second oldest collection of Qur’ans in the world, is free.

North of the river, there’s the Monument of Light, a 120m metal spire that locals have dubbed, possibly more appropriately, “Stiffy on the Liffey”, but maybe stick to its official title when asking for directions.

On foot.

There are bikes available for hire at stands throughout the city, but anyone willing to cycle in Dublin traffic either has nerves of steel or the brains of an Irishman.

Drink

intercollegiate tradition. Chicago was brilliant and if you’d seen it I bet you would have thought the same!

Eat out If you’re after Irish pub grub, you can find a traditional carvery meal for about €8 in most pubs, serving up stodgy Irish fare in astoundingly generous portions.

O’Neill’s on Suffolk St and Long Stone on Townsend St are favourites with locals.

DONT! The Temple Bar district. This area underwent a makeover in the nineties as the government hoped to transform it into the city’s cultural centre. These hopes were in vain, as the area is currently dominated by drunk English tourists and the kitschy, overpriced bars that attract them. However, by day, the free Gallery of Photography and the Temple Bar Food Market, offering breads, meats and gourmet treats every Saturday, are definitely worth a visit.

PAGE 14

CULTURE

A splendourous Splendour SHOTA ADAM WRITER

“It’s a momentous occasion. Let us all take a minute to absorb the gravity of this,” claimed Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker on the closing night of Splendour in the Grass 2011. Despite a ridiculous ticket price, the festival offered an absolute smorgasbord of activities for attendees this year.

The talk of the festival was Kanye West’s one off show that he would unleash upon Woodfordia on the Friday night. There has rarely been a performance in recent times with such hype surrounding it, and Yeezy delivered in every way imaginable. The infamous icon opened his set above a rising platform in the middle of the crowd with the stage filled by 18 hand-picked ballerinas.

The man performed a wonderfully egotistic, bombastic, and sometimes heartfelt performance which spanned the hits from his entire career.

Kanye’s every move felt so intricate and meticulously planned that the idea of someone taking the limelight away from him for one second felt

unfathomable.

This point was made clearest in “Runaway” during which his ballerinas performed a routine dressed in angelic white costumes while Kanye took centre stage wearing a matching red jacket and jeans combo Jane’s Addiction brought the raw power of rock‘n’roll in its absolute purest form during their performance to a disappointingly small Saturday night crowd. Their setlist mainly consisted of material from their two most successful albums, Nothing’s Shocking and Ritual De Lo Habitual.

The gig quite simply felt like an exercise on how to play a proper rock show, as Dave Navarro shredded his guitar mercilessly whilst lead-singer Perry Farrell goaded the crowd with his ridiculous stage antics. What felt special about this show was the connection that the band seemed to create with the crowd. Whilst Kanye had brought elements of theatre to his performance, Jane’s made each individual member of the crowd feel like it was a concert played specifically for them.

Despite Coldplay closing the festival with a great sing-along set on the Sunday night, it was the reformed Pulp who outshone their British counterparts with their stirring brand of Brit-pop/disco.

Jarvis Cocker’s charismatic stage

Kanye at Splendour

banter was comparable to standup comedy during the set, while it could be argued that “Sorted for E’s and Whizz” was the most appropriate song to ever be played at Splendour.

A weaker lineup of bands was evident on this year’s bill compared to 2010, however it must be noted that the quality of the

performances this year was a surprising improvement upon last year. The standout acts mentioned were ably supported by other great performances by The Hives, Thievery Corporation, Friendly Fires, Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan.

Splendour offers the complete festival experience, with delicious

food available such as Hungarian Snap Fried Bread (deep-fried pizza!) which can be washed down with margheritas at the Cantina Mexicana bar. If you like music festivals but have never attended Splendour, then you’re missing out on the party of a lifetime.

Kaisers chief of UC refectory BRENDAN NASH WRITER

I often find the best way to live ones life is with low expectations, which makes them easier to be surpassed and the crushing blows less crushing. Damn, that sounds emo... Fortunately the Kaiser Chiefs, Stonefield and Papa vs Pretty were neither emo, nor soul crushingly bad.

The intimate venue for the evening was the UC Refectory; beer was cheap, as opposed to the steep ticket price. Stonefield started the night at the 18+ gig, and wow do they look twelve. Amazing. But twelve. The Triple J Unearthed High winners belted out their standard tunes mixing it up by shocking the

crowd with a Zeppelin cover to deliver a pretty solid set, although I kept focusing on the fact that they looked twelve.

Singing no covers that I was aware of – not that it would have been hard with my extensive

knowledge of their work – Papa vs Pretty displayed their slightly more practiced rockstar antics on stage while making their music making machine pump out some impressive sounds in a good set; thankfully they know they’re not

rock gods, yet. Looked older than twelve.

The night belonged however to the Kaisers. The previously mundane (not a word used lightly in Canberra) crowd went ballistic to the classics like “Ruby” and “I

Predict a Riot” with band getting very into it, singer Ricky Wilson was getting progressively more excited (or drunk: I’m unsure), which enhanced the actual rock image. He dragged the crowd into the show by asking questions such as “Who goes to this university”, which got more respondents the second time around and he discovered that apparently UC has a sports team called the Squirrels...

Overall the inexperienced, but enthusiastic and talented support bands and sterile venue were saved by the headliner, as with many shows, with the hour and fifteen minute set being strong, well structured most importantly well-received.

PAGE 15

CULTURE woroni.com.au

11th August

Channel 10 opens that old can of worms Uma Patel gets down and dirty with Dicko and his new television show on Channel Ten UMA PATEL EDITOR

Channel Ten has invested a whole lot of money, Dicko and some florescent chairs into a new television show, Can of Worms, which airs 8:30pm on Monday nights. Audiences have to admire Channel 10’s attempt to fit a thought provoking television show within a commercial primetime framework by producing a Q&A for kiddies program that has a hovering viewership of one million.

The first thing to note is the clear unashamed attempt to “borrow” ABC’s style, audience and Tony Jones’ lookalikes (à la Dicko).

They’re not to blame: it is after all a winning formula. Nevertheless, it seems that the producers have wisely chosen to plant little hints in their program to inform those that stumble upon Can of Worms while channel surfing that they have in fact landed on Channel 10 and not ABC2; namely, a former Australian Idol judge, some extraneous sexual sound bites and

chairs embedded with florescent lights, it’s as if the set of Q&A accidently stumbled into the red light district.

It’s easy to criticise Dicko for engaging bogans (the intellectual lower class that comprise Channel 10’s viewership) in an oversimplified discussion of complex issues.

However Dicko has done something that many have previously dismissed as undoable. He has forced commercial television to discuss issues that are more contentious than a fraudulent dieting company and in more depth than copy and pasted sound bites from an angry politician.

It’s provided our free-to-air television screens with the first example of a right-wing based T.V. show that attempts to squabble over controversial issues with an interactive audience – through roving microphones for those keen enough to brave breathing the same air as Dicko and roving Twitter feeds for those in their armchairs guzzling down a TV dinner.

Ten’s previous attempts to create a more robust news outfit in-

clude George Negus’ 6PM – which awkwardly had to be renamed after a subtle shift to 6:30 timeslot. Despite the clear repudiation of Ten’s news sector from the commercial TV polling Gods, Can of Worms evidences Channel Ten’s commitment to throw Masterchef product placement money at the problem – which has ironically resulted in a cheap televised plebiscite debate.

Channel Ten has certainly continued the tradition of lifting ABC’s television template and plonking it onto one of one of their favourite hosts. It began with Good News Week and has continued through to Can of Worms. However, despite this pestering trend, it is probably fair to say that for the sake of our sanity, ABC’s dignity and Channel 10’s self preservation; this tradition will fall short of grabbing the ABC’s Media Watch template and plonking it on top of Ten’s favourite host: Kyle Sandlinds.

A simple side dish that is regularly served swimming. Not here.

And to cap it off? Complementary wedges of fresh orange: Jimmy’s answer to the palate-cleansing sorbet. I love it.

Jimmy’s has the all hallmarks of

any good mid-priced Chinese restaurant: lots of food, fast service, BYO, messiness and unpretentiousness.

Follow the sign.

Chinese cuisine, done right SIMON THOMPSON EDITOR

I don’t think I need to spell out exactly where in Dickson Jimmy’s Place is; suffice it to say that I think we should introduce an award for Most Obnoxious Frontal Signage, in which Jimmy’s would almost certainly take the cake.

There’s just something a little special about the atmosphere of your average, suburban Chinese restaurant. Lit up like a hospital ward, fitted out with cafeteria tables and mock-formal chairs that look like they’ve been nicked from the function room a cheap motel function room.

This is exactly what Jimmy’s have been doing for almost ten years.

So why have I dined at Jimmy’s Place three times over the last couple of weeks and left each time with a big smile

on my face? The third of the three, a Saturday night, is packed. Staff are pushed to the limit as the open kitchen pumps out dishes by the minute. The waiters’ diligence is unfortunately marred by clumsiness, but you can hardly blame them. With a staff to patron ratio of about 20 to 1, and a high turnover rate, they do pretty well in my books.

The menu is split as you would usually find it, with daily specials written in English and Chinese on the walls. We opt for a reasonably wide cross-section.

Steamed dim sims ($3.20) arrive to kick things off. These are proper dimmies: they’re clearly fresh, suffering from none of the usual stigma. Texturally fabulous with a heavy dose of spring onions, they’re a good start.

The mains are where things get messy, for all the right reasons. Sizzling Mongolian lamb ($19.80) with “Chef’s Special Sauce” (I don’t bother asking) is well-cooked, and heavy on the onion, but lacks a little in the flavour stakes after the amazing bout of

aroma, and accompanying jealousy from other diners, that follows a dish that continues to cook at your table. I would have preferred the sauce a little thinner; the dish is a little gluggy. Similarly unremarkable is the Combination and Bean Curd Hotpot ($20.80).

Prawns, chicken and pork arrive in the hotpot with carrots, broccoli and snowpeas (all main dishes can be given the hotpot treatment at a small premium). The meat is given a little lift with some welcome coriander, but overall a little simple.

By far the standout is the BBQ Roast Duck ($17.30). The halfbird lies carved on the bone, having been expertly prepared: juicy flesh underneath a small layer of fat and a perfectly crisp, golden skin. The master stock has a good deal of star anise that really shines through, it’s some of the best roast duck I’ve had. Doing justice to a classic. Also excellent is Beef with Chilli ($15.80), with the right touch of heat. Chinese broccoli with oyster sauce ($12.80) is crisp, and not drowning in sauce.

UNION QUESTIONS?

Do you have any questions about your union? Email Union Chair Ben duggan at union.chair@anu.edu.au

2011 ELECTION RESULTS

3 REPS FROM ANNUAL/ LIFE MEMBERS Michael Hiscox - STIMULATE Adam Da Cruz - STIMULATE Xinyu Ru - GROW 1 REP FROM POSTGRADUATE / STAFF Sally Renouf - GROW

PAGE 17

CULTURE woroni.com.au

f O s Movie

Trivia To win two free double passes to any film showing at Dendy Cinemas Canberra send in your answers to woroni@ anu.edu.au and the person with the most correct answers will win.

1. Which infamous ape has Andy Serkis previously portrayed on film?

2. True or False: Chris Eveans declined the title part of Captain America three times before accepting 3. The script of Hanna had twice been put on the black list, of Hollywood’s best unproduced screenplays. In which years did this occur?

4. How much money did Bad Teacher make at the box office on the opening weekend in the US? 5. In which year was the original Planet of the Apes films released?

6. Hanna actress Saoirse Ronan has previously worked with director Joe Wright on which film?

7. Which actors had previously been attached to The Beaver before the lead role eventually went to Mel Gibson?

8. What was the estimated budget for Captain America?

9. Which English actress turned down the role of Peggy Carter in Captain America?

10.

True or false: Rachael Taylor, of Red Dog, was once Miss Teen Tasmania?

11th August

k e e The W

Winn er

!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Bad Teacher Captain America

AMY GRANT

SAM BRAZIER-HOLLINS

SCOTT BOLTON

WRITER

WRITER

EDITOR

Rupert Wyatt’s prequel to the Planet of the Apes films is a great film - until the final few minutes. Other than the corny ending however, Rise of the Planet of the Apes isn’t half bad. Scientist Will (James Franco) is set upon developing a cure for Alzheimer’s. In the course of his work, Will inadvertently dabbles in genetic engineering, the product being Caesar, a very intelligent chimp. Caesar becomes a part of Will’s family, until an unfortunate incident intervenes and Caesar is forced into captivity, at the mercy of the malicious Dodge (Tom Felton). Cue ape uprising, and the fight for supremacy between ape and human begins.

Wyatt has managed to create a fairly believable prequel, but the real beauty in the film lies in the CGI apes. Incredibly believable, and helped along by Andy Serkis’ motion-capture portrayal of Caesar, the apes convey more humanity than any of the human actors; though James Franco is superb as always. Freida Pinto as his veterinarian girlfriend is lacking and without presence, though in fairness her character doesn’t play a pivotal role, and Tom Felton can’t seem to grasp the concept of subtlety. Wyatt’s exploration of the interaction between human and ape is touching, if over-relied upon, but the film is essentially a blockbuster aimed at a mainstream audience and there is no denying that the apes are attention grabbing. It isn’t groundbreaking, but it ticks all the boxes. Truthfully, it is one of better blockbusters of the season.

This film confused me, not in a Momento or Inception kind of way, but more a question of karma, and right versus wrong. As the final scene concluded I sat there wondering how director Jake Kasdan must see the world – although, what else would you expect from a former Californication director? Leading lady Cameron Diaz – who by now is starting to look a little more like Julia Roberts than Keira Knightley – is followed around by the camera for 90 minutes trying to raise money for her “new tits”. The purpose of this less-than-noble endeavor is the pursuit of the new substitute teacher, played by Justin Timberlake.

Unfortunately, the only real acting comes from How I Met Your Mother star Jason Segel, who plays the simple gym teacher who completes the love triangle. However, before you write this film off altogether, I must say I did thoroughly enjoy it. If all you are after is some simple laughs, some sexual inappropriateness and a smug feeling of your own moral standing then it is a rather entertaining way to spend an evening. Timberlake has clearly forgotten how to dance in the years since his boy band days, and the dry humping scene with Diaz is something else entirely. This definitely isn’t the movie to take your parents to, but it is one to check out with a friend. Just don’t any of the teacher’s lessons home; for some reason I can’t see it working out so well.

The Marvel Comic franchise leading up to The Avengers has been a celluloid-filled journey that has finally come to an end.

Captain America, the last prologue before the superheroes join forces, is the hardest for an international audience to swallow.

Set in WWII, the story follows Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) as he is transformed from a 90 pound asthmatic kid from Brooklyn to the super-soldier Captain America. With a crack team, he must fight against the Nazi deep science division Hydra, lead by the evil Johan Schmidt (Hugo Weaving).

A refreshing take on the superhero story, the war-time setting and self-deprecating humour allow this age-old formula to seem fresh. A special mention must go to the montage scene where Captain America tours across the country performing musical numbers. The all-star cast bring depth and humour to the film; however, none are really given enough screen time. Despite being two hours long, the film still feels rushed and almost like the director was trying to squeeze too much in.

Although not the best Marvel film, Captain America is a fun rollercoaster ride, packed with action, romance and all the morals that the star-spangled banner can deliver.

Last week’s trivia answers

Congratulations to last week’s winners. Head to the Woroni office to get your double pass to Dendy.

Answers: 1) True 2) Knocked Up 3)True 4) True 5) Gary Oldman 6) Buzz Aldrin 7) Kate Winslet 8) Professor Flitwick and Griphook 9) 532 10) True

PAGE 18

SPORT

Cadel Evans rides into the history books SIMON THOMPSON EDITOR

Cadel Evans, if it wasn’t already true, is now the undisputed champion of Australian cycling. He’s pulled off what no other Australian has never even come close to doing, and that is to win the Tour de France.

That’s not to say other Australians have not succeeded at the Le Tour in the past. It all started with Phil Anderson in yellow: the granddaddy of Aussie cycling. Robbie McEwan led the way in the 2000s, chalking up win after win as the fastest man in the world.

But what of Evans winning a maillot jaune in Paris and a trip into the record books?

Evans is the only Australian to triumph overall in the biggest cycling race in the world, and he did it by a relatively large margin, one minute and thirty-four seconds, over his immediate rival, Andy Schleck.

So how did he do it? Prior to this milestone, Evans was felt to have reached the pinnacle

of his career. He was competitive, sure, but lacked the acceleration in the high mountains when previous winners like Carlos Sastre and Alberto Contador would dance away with the race, seeing Evans grimace his way to the top.

But this year, two years into his stint at BMC, that Evans finally surrounded himself with the right riders, delivering the big surprise in the team time trial and saw it that Evans was in the best position possible in the mountains.

Evans was not without his own brand of luck, either. By the end of the first week, through smart riding, he sat unscathed in second place overall and punters dared speculate. Previous favourite and defending champion, Contador,

FOR MORE INFO, VISIT:

had just breezed his way into another victory at the Giro d’Italia, had had several crashes and was sporting an injury. It was between the Schlecks and Evans.

As few will disagree, the Tour de France is won and lost in the mountains. It was a particularly brutal finish to the Tour, with five hors catégorie (outside categorization) climbs in the last two stages in the Alps and a 42.5km individual time trial that would decide the winner. It was a case of last man standing.

It was Andy Schleck who made the first move with a bold 60km individual breakaway in the mountainous Stage 18. A slick Leopard-Trek operation, Schleck was able to latch onto teammates

littered over the stage; a little reprieve for the brutal finish on the Galibier Serre-Chevalier. But Evans was up to the challenge.

Not helped by any of the other favourites, it was up to him if he wanted to do his favouritism justice. He did. Schleck’s advantage was around 4 minutes 30 seconds before Evans took up the chase, halving the advantage by the time he crossed the line.

Still, Evans had it all to do in the final time trial. Millions of Aussies watched from their living rooms as Evans rolled out of the starting blocks, and it was clear that he was there to win. The rest needs no explanation: Evans had saved the best ‘til last, and rode

the most breathtakingly destructive time trial that eerily mirrored the precision and ruthless concentration that Lance Armstrong was famous for.

In victory, Evans could not have been less like the controversial American champion. Always humble, on the verge of tears, Evans stood awkwardly on the podium at stage 20, the race all but won.

Few looked more surprised at his position than he did.

Surprised he shouldn’t be.

He learned from his previous mistakes and rode the smartest race of the favourites. A true Australian classic.

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PAGE 19

SPORT woroni.com.au

AFL

The Hawks have just got up in a close and wet one down at Launceston. A messy lowscoring match, this put Hawthorn into 4th place on the ladder. Nearly 17 000 fans (34 000 heads) turned out in a rainy ‘Launie to watch.

Meanwhile, Collingwood and Geelong remain the leaders of the pack with finals season just around the corner. After putting away an embarrassing Melbourne side in Round 19 by 186 points, Geelong has followed up by smashing the Gold Coast Suns by 150. Friday night’s St Kilda v Collingwood looks to be the match of round 21 and a good chance for the respective fan clubs to lose a few teeth.

The fortnightly punt with Gus Heslop

Rugby League

Australia’s prison alternative, the NRL, is facing similar betting controversies to the AFL after some New Zealand mum tried to put a sneaky four grand on a novelty bet. The League also appears paranoid about the AFL further moving in on its territory in Sydney. As if the either league could do any further damage to one another’s reputations! In good news, the Tiger’s are starting to look the goods as the season gets to the pointy end.

Unfortunately the local Radiers’ prospects appear to be heading in the opposite direction after a sizeable loss to Newcastle.

Gymnastics

As little Cadel was peddling and sobbing his way to Tour de France glory, Aussie gymnast Lauren Mitchell has also been doing Australia proud in the tight-fitted uniform stakes, as World Champion and upcoming favourite for the 2012 London Olympics. She will be attempting to qualify for London at October’s world titles in Tokyo. With a new routine moving away from former reliance on hip-hop, Mitchell is excited for the next year of competition. And yes, this paragraph was written with the considerable use of other sources!

Speaking of the Olympics...

Apart from the odd burning bus (potential Olympic torch), celebrity death (potential mascot) and high street shooting (potential location for the rifle event), London is looking the goods as the host of next year’s Olympics.

Many of the facilities are done and look pretty amazing. However, as the village is in London’s east, chances of it being burnt down or sold to finance the budget deficit between now and July will be high. Rumours that looting will be introduced as a sport next year are unconfirmed, particularly as the British Olympic Committee would be concerned that the French would enter as favourites..

SPORTS SUBEDITOR

1. Owen Cragie. Former Newcastle Knights star Cragie recently admitted that, over the course of a decade, his gambling addiction has cost him something in the vicinity of $1.5 million. TOTF has been humbled by his honesty, saddened by his losses, and flabbergasted by his perseverance: surely you’d stop at a million?

2. Mick Malthouse. Not one for tirades or immodesty every other day, the softly spoken coach has decided that one of the primary issues in AFL today is the fact that his Collingwood team is too good.

The sad thing is, he’s probably right, with the Magpies spanking Port Adelaide by 138 points without even taking them out to dinner first.

3. Port Adelaide. Someone needs to give those guys a big hug, a tub of ice cream, and a Judd Apatow film: they’ve had a rough week. Maybe they could indulge in the icecream with their wooden spoon?

4. Steve Williams. Having caddied for Tiger Woods throughout the majority of his heyday, New Zealand’s highest paid sportsman (look it up, I swear he is) recently described his new pal Adam Scott’s victory at the Bridgestone International as the best of his career. This swipe put Woods on the end of what can only be described as a vicious knick-knack caddie whack.

5. Ricky Stenhouse Jr. NASCAR driver Stenhouse came up trumps in one of the single most absurd race finishes TOTF has ever seen. Having blown his engine on the final straight, in the final lap, Ricky was accidently rear-ended by teammate Carl Ed-

Lizard Racing

The World Lizard Racing Championships are coming up! Held annually in Eulo, Queensland, this is an event which scales the heights of competitive sport. Held at the specially built Paroo racetrack, this event is no frills racing. The tragic death of ‘Destructo’, the champion cockroach racer after beating it’s lizard rival in 1981 revealed to the world the cold-blooded nature of this sport. The event starts with a lizard auction and is definitely something to monitor this month.

Rugby Union

Cycling

With post-tour euphoria (and sperm count) starting to dissipate, our lycra’d lads in Europe are powering through the Tour of Denmark, with youngster Richie Porte taking out the time trial and Simon Gerrans winning the event. Australia’s first Tour de France winner, Cadel Evans will be riding in Melbourne on Friday. This is your chance to hear him winging about anything and everything. Tears guaranteed.

Who said Australian’s had Tall Poppy syndrome!?

Woroni team of the fortnight WILL WALTON

11th August

wards. The momentum from the crash pushed Stenhouse over the line as the race winner by 0.006 seconds, though he had to do his victory lap in the safety truck.

6. Brian Johnston. 64-yearold AC/DC front man Johnston recently revealed that he is keen to participate in the gruelling Rolex 24 Invitational at the Daytona Speedway. Talk about a highway to hell. If I had to do something like that I’d be shaking all night long. If he crashes he might not be back, but he’ll probably be black.

Moving on…

7. Ana Ivanovic. TOTF takes great pride in the fact that, a few editions ago, it uncovered the

Despite controlling the break-down and dominating possession, the Wallabies have gone down to the All Blacks in a penaltymarred match at Eden Park.

Another Bledisloe Cup gone begging. However, there were some promising signs from the boys in gold, particularly those in defence, with World Cup just around the corner. Australia plays South Africa this Sunday, however they will have their work cut out for them, with the Boks’ big stars coming back after controversially being excluded a few weeks back.

bombshell that Ana Ivanovic is looking great. For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for an update, let me indulge you. She remains fantastic. Great news for all involved.

8. Any girl who reads Woroni Sports. The fact cannot be avoided that this particular section of our illustrious publication is not typically female-friendly.

Thus, to you, the dames fearless enough to venture here, into the hinterland of Woroni, I give my most sincere thank you. Coffee?

I was a Page 23 girl once…

BACK PAGE with Tom Westland

woroni.com.au WORONI PRESENTS

THE BACK PAGE INVITATIONAL

Send answers to any of these to woroni@anu.edu.au; the answer we judge to be the best will receive two movie tickets. All answers will be published online at www.woroni.com.au

CAPTION IT

COMPARE AND CONTRAST

CONGRATULATIONS

Tom Stayner was the winner of the 2011 Back Page Limerick Competition. He vaulted over his competitors with ease, largely due to the fact that he had no competitors.

REVERSE QUIZ

We provide the answers; you supply the questions.

1 Stupendously inbred.

2 A golden staph infection.

3 The best five minutes of your life.

4 Julie Bishop.

5 “’Tis three feet long, and two feet wide.”

6 On a horse.

7 Scottish cuisine.

8 Baldness.

9 The Dairy Goat Journal.

10 If God loves me, why can’t I get my locker open?

DEATH SENTENCE

SLOGANEERING

Provide an epitaph for the gravestone for a famous person who has died in 2011.

Produce a new slogan for Canberra: the more pathetic, the better.

TOP TEN

In one sentence, compare and contrast ANUSA VP Brody Warren and Beaker from the Muppets.

UNLIKELY ESSAY FEEDBACK 10 Your essay was well structured but would have benefited from a more liberal dosage of violent sexual imagery.

9 Good overall. Nice use of signposting words. However, the paper upon which this essay was written smells distinctly of urine.

8 I feel this essay would benefit from not existing at all.

7 I read this while watching a documentary about the history

10

of the Argentinian brothel. Thus all I can remember of your essay is a warm, pleasant feeling south of the equator.

6 I particularly enjoyed the watermark on the top of the paper.

Where did you find it?

5 Was this printed with vegetable or synthetic inks?

4 Your essay should focus more directly on the questions at hand: what were the long-term consequences of the Balfour

REALISTIC ROMANCE: MEDICAL

Mediocre doctor, frigid nurse Tanya Pinchface looked out of the grimy hospital window at the sky. The weather was cold, windy, and, like Tanya Pinchface, dismally unattractive. “Oh,” she said, clutching at herself the way you clutch at yourself when you have a particularly obnoxious skin irritation, “why can’t I find a man?”

The reason that Tanya Pinchface couldn’t find a man was that she was a sweet, sensitive soul, who enjoyed her own company, read many books, and also she carried with her the faint but distinctive odour of yeast.

As she waited at the window, she felt the presence of Doctor LaVillière. There was the man for her, if only she had the courage to talk to him. Xavier LaVillière was a catch, and no doubt about it. He had obtained

Romantic fiction is a depressing genre that imbues its readers with unrealistic expectations of love and sex. Fortunately, Woroni is here to help. Each edition, we present extracts from our new book series, Realistic Romances, available in good bookshops nowhere.

his medical degree from the Budapest International School of Vetinary Sciences.

He’s so slick, said Tanya Pinchface to herself, and she was right – Doctor LaVillère was slick, but not slick as in “suave”; slick as in “covered in oil”. She heard the rain on the roof, and suddenly she thought of him wet, the water cascading down his mottled, slightly sagging chest.

All of a sudden, the doctor was staring directly at Tanya. Her body caught fire. She could tell because her mouth was getting very dry.

“Tanya,” he began. Was he about to talk to her? Men didn’t talk to Tanya Pinchface. Was her life about to change?

“Can you clean up the vomit in Ward 5?”

Disappointment flooded through her like a sad, lonely orgasm.

“Of course,” she said, “I’ll be

woroni@anu.edu.au

Declaration? Will you have sex with me if I stroke your thigh like this?

3 Insufficient adverbs.

2 “To be, or not to be...” - I’m afraid this was not the question I asked you.

1 Your writing style reminds me of my recently deceased grandfather’s supple, elegant prose.

May God rest his soul! Oh, Pop, every day you’re gone is another heartache!

right there.”

She started moving off in the direction of the vomit in Ward 5.

But something in her stirred, and she knew it wasn’t diarrhoea. It was love. It’s now or never, she said to herself.

“Dr LaVillière, are you wearing a new cologne?” she asked.

“No,” replied the Hispanic doctor, who felt his mediocre credentials stiffen slightly in his pants, “I think it’s the vomit in Ward Five. And Tanya, would you like to go to dinner some time? I have a voucher for Hog’s Breath my ex-wife gave me for my birthday last year.” He looked at her longingly, as though she were a long, sleek piece of asparagus he’d love to butter up and serve with bacon.

This would suit Tanya, as she had just started the Atkins diet.

11th August

YOU CAN’T REVIEW THAT! with JAMIE FREESTONE

Monogamy Unlike the additional sex partners you fantasise about, this rare practice is actually more attractive than it appears. It boasts clearly superior protection from STIs and is also advantageous from budgetary and logistical viewpoints.

You can use monogamy as a way to organise your weekly schedule to include sex, without the need for any of the preparatory overtures of meeting, seduction and dating.

You can also forget all that worrying about awkwardness when two of the people you’re procuring animal affirmation from (in a sexual relationship with) bump into you at the same time. You’ll also save on phone bills, coffee or meal expenses and won’t have to change your sheets as often.

There are of course downsides. Monogamy can result in a frustration of psychosexual urges, as you find yourself unable to seize and deflower any young thing carrying the imprimatur of sexual conquest. Commentators in earlier decades suggested this could be avoided by making sure your significant other represents your own parent of the opposite gender. Cold comfort for same-sex couples, who have nonetheless recently realised the advantages of monogamy and are converting to it in droves.

More importantly, though, monogamy allows you to control your partner’s libidinous urges, meaning you avoid feelings of jealousy towards their lubricity which somewhat vitiates the stifling of your own nymphomania, or satyriasis, as the case may be.

The most popular alternative to monogamy remains marriage, which is a method of avoiding monogamy from within the comfort of a heterosexual economic union.

Monogamy has it beat for entry costs and success rates, but it can’t really compete in terms of social status Slightly less cynical than voluntary celibacy: three stars.

WORONI BOOK CLUB

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