Woroni: Edition 1, 2013

WORONI The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948

NO.1 VOL 65

MON11

China Relations

wednesday

WORONI

ANUSA O Week Guide

SLAB OF THE CENTURY 12pm onwards Union Court ANU SOCIALIST ALTERNATIVE - Why Marx was right 1pm G 50 Haydon-Allen Building

ANU Film Group: SKYFALL 8pm Coombs Theatre MOOSEHEADS presents CARNIVAL BAR TOUR 7pm - 12am ANUBAR, HELLENIC, ICBM, MOOSEHEADS

thursday

monday

Queer* Collective: GENDER FREE SPEED DATING 2pm-4pm ANU Bar

LSS PRE TOGA PARTY 6-9pm, Law School

ACOUSTIC SOUP at the FOOD CO-OP 7pm-10pm: Food Co-op, Lena Karmel Lodge ACADEMY’S annual FOAM PARTY 12am onwards Academy

Women’s Collective VALENTINE’S DAY BRUNCH 11am - 2pm Copland Courtyard WORONI OPEN OFFICES 1-4PM Woroni Offices, Lena Karmel Lodge LA TOMATINA 3.30pm - 5pm Chifley Meadows ANU ENVIRONMENT COLLECTIVE Bike Tour 4PM-5:30PM – Union Court ANU SOCIALIST ALTERNATIVE – The Russian Revolution of 1917 6pm G53 Haydon-Allen Building ANU Film Group: THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER 8PM Coombs Theatre MR ANU 8pm - 10pm ANU Bar

Disabilities Collective BBQ LUNCH 12-2pm Union Court ARTS FEST 12pm - 6pm Union Court/Campus HOLI FESTIVAL by Ekta 2:30 -4:30PM Chifley Meadows TRANSIT presents ARTSFEST AFTERPARTY - DIA DE LOS MUERTOS 8pm - 12pm Transit Bar

friday

tuesday

MOOSEHEADS PARTY 10pm onwards

Queer* Collective: CHAMPAGNE BRUNCH 10am-2pm Copland Courtyard

ANU DEBATING MEMBERS LUNCH AND DRINKS 2pm onwards, Venue TBA Queer Collective – QUEERY 5pm, Queer Space ANU ENVIRONMENT COLLECTIVE Pizza Evening 6-9PM, SLC Garden, Acton Peninsula MOOSEHEADS presents FRIDAY NIGHT PARTY 6:30pm - 11:30pm University Ave

For more information about events or where to buy tickets head to www.facebook.com/ANUFestivalWeek2013 PARSA O Week timetable can be found on page 31

NO.1 VOL 65

MON11

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Decline of Federer

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WORONI

7/11 presents MARKET DAY 10am - 2pm Union Court

T h e A u s t r a l i a n N a t i o n a l U n i v e r s i t y N e w s p a p e r FOCUS S i n Chifley cWelcome e 1 Meadows 9 4BBQ 8 6-9PM

COMMONWEALTH BANK presents FESTIVAL WEEK LAUNCH 11am - 2pm Union Court

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Metgasco

The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948

NO.1 VOL 65

MON11

Former Resident Accuses UniLodge of Inexplicable Overcharging

GUS MCCUBBING

WORONI has been informed that UniLodge may have overcharged former resident Sharan Kaur almost $2,000, in part using bank details that were retained without her consent.

The international student, who graduated from the ANU last December, provided UniLodge with her credit card details so as to pay off an outstanding debt of around $1,400 late last year. Kaur explains that the reason she provided the company with her details was because she had already returned home to Singapore and was at her “wit’s end” after some six months of previous difficulties with the Warrumbul management, resulting in her just wanting the situation to be over.

However, despite Kaur’s clear request that they subsequently delete these details, UniLodge instead proceeded to ask her whether they could use her details again to charge her a further fee of $449 in January.

“This is even after I repeatedly warned them in an email during the first transaction in mid Jan to immediately delete my credit card details, and never take advantage of my situation by falsely charging me for anything else,” said Kaur. “How prophetic my warning was, and yet they paid no attention.”

In response to this, the General Manager of UniLodge@ANU Peter Warrington has stated:

“UniLodge follows the National Privacy Principals and delete credit card details when they are provided for a 1 off payment. In this particular case, a regular direct debit cycle had been set up and approval/authorization had been given to use this card for ongoing payments.”

At this stage, Kaur claims that UniLodge has already demanded nearly $2000 from her since her departure from the residence. Furthermore, Kaur claims that the UniLodge Assistant GeneralManager, Matt Wilkinson, had blocked her ANU account, preventing Kaur from reading her final semester’s results, as well as threatening to engage in legal conduct should she fail to resolve her debts as soon as possible.

Upon questioning, Warrington informed Woroni that UniLodge in fact “found a new resident to take over the contract, saving several weeks of rent and UniLodge waived the standard early termination fee (1 week rent). When the resident’s contract ended, a full statement showing all monies paid and remaining amounts owing was sent directly to her.”

Following this, Kaur contacted the International Student Services (ISS) and asked them to help intervene on her behalf. Kaur received an email soon afterwards from UniLodge stating that all debts with the Warrumbul lodge had been cleared, leaving her to assume that the ISS had successfully resolved the matter.

ANUSA Minus the NUS JOSHUA ORCHARD BEN LATHAM

THE National Union of Students (NUS) is a student body that represents the key interests of tertiary students across Australia. Every year, simultaneous with the ANUSA elections, the students of the ANU elect five NUS delegates to correspond with the union and voice the main concerns of ANU students at the annual NUS Conference. At the 2012 Conference held in December, the NUS decided on important issues affecting universities around Australia, including education funding, marriage equality and student welfare.

However, due to executive decisions made

by ANUSA and its president, Dallas Proctor, the elected NUS delegates sent by the ANU were without a vote at the conference and unable to raise a motion. While other Australian universities were making their voice heard at this most important forum, the five representatives of the ANU and its students were powerless.

NUS technically charges universities $5 per student for affiliation, culminating to a total fee of $44,000 for ANUSA to reestablish the ANU’s affiliation with the union. However, as has been done unfalteringly in the past to make union affiliation more affordable, this fee is waived to a more realistic sum. For ANUSA and the ANU, $5000. $10,000 - provided by the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) - was factored into ANUSA’s 2012 budget to comfortably account for NUS affiliation and the costs of sending delegates to the annual conference. However, Dallas Proctor and the ANUSA executive, elected on the back of a ticket that campaigned for increased NUS involvement, declined to sign the fee waiver and pay the $5000 fee.

Proctor first presented his doubts about paying ANUSA’s affiliation fee to the NUS in the first Ordinary General Meeting (OGM) in May 2012, but the issue had still not been resolved by the final Student Representative Council (SRC) in October, which was also the last ANUSA meeting of its term

in office. Subsequently, the ANUSA executive covertly decided to decline payment of NUS affiliation outside of an open public forum – ANUSA possess no published minutes of any kind that document such a motion. The fact that the ANUSA executive consistently delayed public debate over NUS affiliation for over five months raises the question of whether Proctor deliberately sought to circumvent the SRC to promote his own agenda regarding his attitudes towards NUS. The reasons behind ANUSA’s decision have come to light in recent weeks through a correspondence with Dallas Proctor since the 2012 NUS Conference. As Proctor relates, “It is ANUSA, and not ANU, that affiliates to NUS. The NUS delegates should vote in line with the wishes of the ANUSA SRC.” It is a contentious issue because ANUSA itself pays the fees associated with NUS affiliation and delegation. However, NUS delegates are

Article continues on page 4

NEWS//4

ANUSA Minus the NUS

bezzlement scandal that struck ANUSA in June elected solely by the students of the ANU on an last year. Petterson demanded that ANUSA call a entirely different ballot to the ANUSA elections.It crisis general meeting to provide full disclosure is therefore the ANU and its students, not ANUSA, for its students,. This statement that was rightfully whom the NUS delegates have the responsibility and promptly retracted by the NUS because it was “completely inappropriate for anyone from to represent.

The decision process of Dallas Proctor and the NUS to make a comment” and the fact that such a ANUSA executive has also been influenced by the meeting would severely breach the confidentialactions of NUS delegates in the past, who Dallas ity legally required by the undergoing investigaProctor felt were “not corresponding with the tion.

Understandably the ANUSA executive felt deANUSA executive and instead voting along poserted by the ACT branch of the NUS, but it should litical party faction lines.” Again it raises the quesbe noted that the annual conference held by the tion of whether NUS delegates should be bound NUS is a nationwide forum that debates signifito ANUSA SRC motions or rather if they are electcant issues affecting students that far surpass any ed as individuals to represent the needs of the personal differences that ANUSA might hold with ANU as a whole. It should be noted that none of the president of its state branch. In fact, in the the 2012 NUS delegates were elected on a ticket minutes taken from ANUSA’s third OGM in Ocaligned with a political faction. tober, Proctor stated that, “It’s good to have a naAnother major concern of the ANUSA executional body to turn to, we have used some of the tive was presented at ANUSA’s final SRC meeting; resources.

The president’s summit was fantastic as stated by ANUSA Treasurer Rashid Kazak in and the 2012 executive have been great.” the minutes of that meeting, “We don’t want to Although Proctor “didn’t find it particularly pay NUS because we haven’t received support concerning that ANUSA would not have votes” at this year.” This lack of support alluded to by Kathe 2012 NUS Conference, it remains to be seen zak refers to the controversial statements made whether Aleks Sladojevic and the 2013 ANUSA by the NUS ACT State Branch President, Michael executive will seek to reestablish its ties with the Petterson, regarding the highly publicised emNUS.

Continuesd from page 3

Your Vote Matters BILL BROWNE THE election has been called and when that happens the focus of Australian politics usually moves from Canberra and into the magical world of ‘marginal seats’. It’s a reprieve from the all-politics-all-the-time atmosphere of the capital. 2013, however, will be different. This year you are living in a marginal seat: the ACT Senate race could be the closest in the country.

Not only is the ACT race close, its outcome could decide the balance of power in the Senate. Julia Gillard may have surprised Tony Abbott by calling the election so early, but it’s still not looking good for her. On current polling and previous state election results, the conservative parties are set to pick up four of six Senate seats in Western Australia and Queensland. This means that the Greens may well lose the balance of power to

Tony Abbott’s Liberals or Bob Katter’s Australia Party.

That’s why the ACT Senate seat is so important.

In 2010, long-time Liberal senator Gary Humphries only broke quota by 38 votes; if a Liberal is elected this time, it will almost certainly be with the help of other conservative party preferences.

Just a small change in the number of voters here in the ACT could decide whether the Greens keep the balance of power or if it passes to an Abbottfriendly conservative.

Whether you want a progressive or conservative Senate, you should update your enrolment to reflect your residence in the ACT. It will almost certainly be the place where your vote is most powerful.

Update your address and Win!

The ANU LibrAry By updating your address with Medicare you could win $10,000 cash and will be supporting the local community you live in!

ACT TP 12/04376

Updating your address will ensure we receive our fair share of Commonwealth funding to allow the ACT Government to provide new and improved services, like playgrounds, sports fields, bus services and great community events!

So if you’ve recently moved to the ACT and haven’t updated your Medicare address, do it TODAY and you could win $10,000!

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COMMENT//7

NEWS//6

ANU’ s Next Top Models ANDALEEB AKHAND THE University of Sydney Model United Nations (SydMUN) Conference is the largest national Model United Nations conference in Australia.

In 2012, it was held from 30 November to 2 December, and with the theme of ‘Conflict and Consensus in a Changing World’, SydMUN focused on emerging issues that may not regularly make the news but are critical to global cooperation.

Whether it was the Security Council dealing with the peaceful use of Arctic Resources or the World Health Organisation considering the impact of climate change on malaria, delegates were challenged at every turn to come up with innovative solutions and work with their fellow member states to produce a final working paper for the UN General Assembly to vote on.

The ANU sent a delegation of 20 students to this prestigious conference, and while having to wear business attire in the sweltering Sydney heat was inconvenient - to say the least - the delegation from the ANU did their university proud. Of the nine Best Delegate Awards that were given out at the conclusion of the conference, five of them were given to ANU students. This is a testament not only to their oratorical and debating skills, but also to their diligent preparation and ability to negotiate and work with fellow member-states.

Such a distinction is even more notable when one considers that ANU sent a relatively small delegation, outweighed by much larger contingents from such heavyweights as the University of Sydney and the University of New South Wales.

But this was only one part of the SydMUN experience. Students also had the amazing opportunity to hear the Australian Youth Representative to the United Nations, Dan Ryan, talk about his own experiences, such as meeting with UN SecretaryGeneral Ban Ki-Moon and being present when Australia won its bid for a UN Security Council seat. The social events, whether it was enjoying drinks on the rooftop of Zanzibar or partying at the University of Sydney Refectory, also provided students the opportunity to bond with fellow delegates from other universities in a social setting.

The students of the ANU delegation were also brought closer together – not only in committee, but outside it as well. Whether it was chilling in the rooftop pool at the Sydney Central YHA after a long day, having dinner in Chinatown or even fighting it out in laser tag, they forged stronger bonds with each other during the amazing array of activities and opportunities provided by the conference.

Andaleeb Akhand is an active member of the ANU UN Society.

Metgasco Our Dirty Secret

ODETTE SHENFIELD

REPORTS have surfaced that the ANU is currently one of the top 20 shareholders in the coal seam gas company Metgasco, despite promises from 2011 to sell all of its shares in the company.

This comes following a campaign led by the ANU Environment Collective (EC) against the university’s investment in Metgasco. The campaign was so successful that it led Vice Chancellor Ian Young to state that the ANU would sells its shares in Metgasco.

At the time, Tom Stayner from the EC declared, “He took some convincing, but the Vice Chancellor is showing leadership on this urgent issue”.

However, the recent reports suggest that the ANU has only reduced its holding in Metgasco from over 4 million shares in 2011 to 2.5 million shares in 2012. The “urgency” of the issue was apparently secondary to mitigating the university’s losses on the share market.

A spokeswoman from the ANU said the reason for the slow divestment is that there are few “potential buyers of the holding at a fair price”, a likely consequence of the opposition from affected communities and environmentalists advocating the switch from fossil fuels to renewables.

Opposition to coal seam gas has created some unlikely allies: The Greens and Bob Katter; the remaining Beatles and Yoko Ono; and environmentalists with Alan Jones.

James Samson from Lincoln Indicators has said, “The risks of investing in coal seam gas stocks are very real and very publicised.”

Metgasco shares have continued to fall, their

value currently sits at 16.5 cents/share, whereas in 2007 Metgasco share value peaked at over $1.20/share. The EC has said this is because investors are realising that coal seam gas is an irresponsible investment.

“Ethically it’s irresponsible, because companies like Metgasco contribute to dangerous climate change and their fracking practices are controversial to say the least. Economically, it’s irresponsible, since by 2030 renewables will be our cheapest source of energy, and coal and gas will become more expensive due to carbon pricing and rising fuel costs.”

Recent evidence has revealed that vast amounts of methane (which is 25 times more potent than CO2 over 100 years) appears to be leaking undetected from Tara gas field in Queensland, Australia’s largest coal seam gas field.

The EC has also pointed out that ANU students have a particular interest against their fees being used to fund coal seam gas. Student options are for shares to continue to decrease in value, or, if coal seam gas becomes as widely-used in Australia as it has in the US, that “Fossil fuels remain profitable, but destroy any hope of a stable society in which we (the students) might make use of our degrees.”

The EC has therefore campaigned for the university to divest “immediately, lowering their value and, eventually, eradicating their apocalyptic business model.” The ANU has also received a message from Clarence Valley Conservation Coalition, residents directly affected by the invest-

ment, urging the university to immediately sell its shares in the Metgasco.

In recent years, the ANU has reduced water, established a Carbon Fund for projects to reduce carbon emissions and developed an energy strategy to investigate the options of onsite cogeneration and tri-generation. It appears inconsistent with the ANU’s concern for its personal carbon footprint for the university to maintain shares in an environmentally destructive company.

Rather, it has been argued that the ANU should pioneer responsible investment, to secure a safe, sustainable world for its students. The EC is running a freedom of information campaign to have the university disclose its full investment portfolio, and see divestment of all fossil fuel interests.

Other suggestions have also been put forward for the ANU to emulate initiatives of overseas universities. Yale University, for example, has created the Dwight Hall Socially Responsible Investment Fund, a student advisory board that began with $50 000 in 2008, which is soon expected to meet its target of $500 000 in returns. The ANU currently does not have a specific ethical investment policy.

A spokeswoman from ANU has said that it will remove its shareholding in Metgasco “in a measured manner as purchasers become available”.

Such a response is unlikely to be satisfactory to students who have been seeking action against an urgent problem.

COMMENT// 8

Palestine

We Are All In the Dark

Forty Years of Australia-China Relations A Convenient Untruth

AHMAD AL-KURDI RENCENTLY, out of mere curiosity and a sense of responsibility as a citizen of the world, I have decided to get myself further involved in the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. What do I mean by “involved”? I simply wanted to educate myself by reading a heap of articles and watch a lot of interviews posted on the internet – non-mainstream media interviews, of course – so that I could have the sufficient information needed engage in an open conversation with anyone about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed that not a lot of people in Australia know that much about the whole conflict and didn’t not know why Australia decided for the first time in history not to vote in favour of Israel during the recent U.N General Assembly vote in which an overwhelming majority — 138 in favour Verses 9 against (United States, Canada, Czech Republic, Israel, Panama and four tiny islands), with 41 abstentions (including Australia), accorded Palestine non-Member Observer State status in the United Nations (which means Palestine has been recognized as a state for the first time since the conflict started). I also strongly believe that in order for world peace to happen, people need to be enlightened about the wars that are going on in the world.

First of all, in order to understand the conflict, we need to be familiar with its historical context, so here it is in brief detail.

In the 19th century the land of Palestine was inhabited by a multicultural population – approximately 86% Muslim, 10% Christian, and 4% Jewish – living in peace.

In the late 1800s a group in Europe decided to colonize this land. Known as Zionists, they represented an extremist minority of the Jewish population. Their goal was to create a Jewish homeland, and they considered locations in Africa and the Americas, before settling on Palestine.

At first, this immigration created no problems.

However, as more and more Zionists immigrated to Palestine – many with the express wish of taking over the land for a Jewish state – the indigenous population became increasingly alarmed.

Eventually, fighting broke out, with escalating waves of violence. Hitler’s rise to power, combined with Zionist activities to sabotage efforts to place Jewish refugees in western countries, led to increased Jewish immigration to Palestine, and conflict grew.

Finally, in 1947 the United Nations decided to intervene. Under considerable Zionist pressure, the UN recommended giving away 55% of Palestine to a Jewish state – despite the fact that this group represented only about 30% of the total population, and owned under 7% of the land.

This created the 1947-1949 war, in which five Arab armies participated in to defend Palestine from the invasion. It is significant to note that Arab armies entered the conflict only after Zionist forces had committed 16 massacres, including the grisly massacre of over 100 men, women, and children at Deir Yassin.

By the end of the war, Israel had conquered 78% of Palestine; three-quarters of a million Palestinians had been made refugees; over 500 towns and villages had been obliterated; and a new map

ALICE DAWKINS was drawn up, in which every city, river and hillock received a new, Hebrew name, as all vestiges of the Palestinian culture were to be erased. For decades Israel denied the existence of this population, even former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir once said: “There is no such thing as a Palestinian.”

It is also significant to consider the U.S involvement in this issue, largely due to special-interest lobbying. U.S. taxpayers give Israel an average of $8 million per day, and since Israel’s creation, have given more U.S. funds to Israel than to any other nation. As Americans learn about how Israel is using their tax dollars, many are calling for an end to this expenditure.

Now, let’s fast forward to today. Not a lot has changed, I must say, as Palestinians are still made to be refugees on a daily basis as Israeli settlement expansions continue to break international law and take over more Palestinian lands. As news of Palestinian Civilians being killed is a normal occurrence on every day news channels, think it’s about time this insanity is put to an end.

Moreover, knowing the historical background of the conflict, and knowing that under the Geneva Convention laws Palestinians have the right to defend themselves against illegal occupation of their lands, Gilad Sharon, the son of Israel’s 11th Prime Minister (Ariel Sharon) wrote an Op-ed written in the opinions section of the Jerusalem Post newspaper during “Operation Pillar of Defence” which took place on the 14th of November 2012, a couple of weeks prior to the U.N vote entitled “A decisive conclusion is necessary”. As a human being, it was more than repulsive to read this article. Until this day I ponder how The Jerusalem Post, “the world’s top English-language daily newspaper covering Israel, the Middle East and the Jewish World” approved this article. These are a few lines quoted from that article; “Either the Gazans and their infrastructure are made to pay the price, or we reoccupy the entire Gaza Strip.”

“We need to flatten entire neighbourhoods in Gaza. Flatten all of Gaza. The Americans didn’t stop with Hiroshima – the Japanese weren’t surrendering fast enough, so they hit Nagasaki, too.

There should be no electricity in Gaza, no gasoline or moving vehicles, nothing.”

These are words of a lunatic, not of a civilized human being. No one deserves to have their city flattened out, not in the 21st century, not after history taught us valuable lessons about world wars.

Not a lot has changed since the conflict started way back in 1946, as Palestinians are still made to be refugees and are struggling to achieve some basic human rights on a daily basis. However, I believe that with a more aware population, efforts towards peace will be increased immensely, and that’s where we come in!

I may be one example, but it is evident that the world’s view and people’s consciousness is shifting as Israel is exposed for its continuous brutality and war driven terrorizing mentality. The world wants peace, and hand by hand we hopefully will have a stable peaceful Palestinian-Israel two state solution soon!

AUSTRALIAN political rhetoric has been consumed over the past few months with an enthusiastic celebration of what the Australian Government and the Chinese leadership have chosen to deem ‘Forty Years of Australia and China’. By this label, Australia and China’s diplomatic relations have been stamped as officially commencing with the Whitlam Government’s recognition of the People’s Republic of China in 1972.

There is a major issue with the creation of this anniversary. A celebration of Australia-China relations could not come at a better time - particularly with last year’s release of the Gillard Government’s ‘Asian Century’ white paper - but this blatant whitewashing of Australia and China’s interactions from the era before 1972 yields an inaccurate and highly simplistic depiction of the history of the Australia-China friendship. In reality, Australia and China have been engaging with each other on a people-to-people and intergovernmental level since much earlier in the twentieth century.

George Morrison, a late Australian journalist of The Times fame, not only served for the esteemed newspaper as Peking Correspondent from 1897, but also was appointed an adviser to President Yuan Shi Kai in 1912. Yuan tasked him to prepare China’s submission for the Paris Peace Conference in 1919.

Morrison’s contribution to the government of the day was so formidable that the Chinese general Cai Tingkai praised him as “The Australian Hero of the Chinese reform movement”.

William H Donald also began his career in China as a correspondent for an overseas newspaper in 1911, with his name growing to increasing significance as he became a member of Sun Yat Sen’s and Chiang Kai Shek’s inner circle. He published the political manifesto of Sun Yat Sen to an international audience. As his biographer Earl Selle commented, “around the globe, presidents and kings read what the newborn Republic of China had to say – from the typewriter of a young Australian newspaperman with a big nose and an easy smile”.

Australia-China immigration history is particularly compelling. Chinese immigration to Australia during the gold rushes in the mid-1800s is relatively well documented; in 1860, Chinese citizens constituted 3% of the population in NSW alone. A lesser-told story is of the scores of Jewish immigration from Chinese cities to Australia throughout the 1930s and ‘40s. As Western countries began to close their doors to Jews fleeing instability in

Europe, the Chinese cities of Harbin, Tianjin and Shanghai provided a safe-haven. Over ten thousand Jewish people found refuge in Shanghai in this time, with approximately two thousand becoming Australian citizens after the war.

The government-to-government history between the two nations also extends far deeper into history than recognized. The first instance of official trade with China occurred not in the 1970s, but in the early thirties. In 1934, the Deputy Prime Minister of the time, JG Latham, led a ‘Mission to the Far East’, the Australian Government’s first official trade visit to China. V.G. Bowden was appointed as Australia’s Trade Commissioner to China in 1935. Scores of Australian newspapers from the 1930s describe mutual interests between the two countries for each other’s products, such as merino wool, flour, wheat, leather and timber. During the years of the Pacific War, Australia became a much-needed supplier as Chinese ports became unable to obtain goods from America and Europe due to Japan’s control of the sea lanes.

Memoirs of European Jews departing Chinese ports for Australia in the 1940s refer to Australian wool sellers boarding the same ships after business trips throughout China.

Chinese official representation in Australia can be traced back to as early as 1909, when the Consul-General arrived in Melbourne. Following the adoption of the Statute of Westminster in 1942, Australia’s brand-new Department of External Affairs (now DFAT) sought to fill gaping holes in the office for Asian linguists by posting Darwin-born Charles Lee to Chongqing, the capital of Nationalist China (Kuomintang or, in standardised pinyin, Guommindang). In Chongqing, Lee developed valuable connections with the United States and Russian embassies, and in the words of historian Gregory Pemberton, knew “everything worth knowing about the Kuomintang regime, its conduct of the war with the Japanese and its continuing conflict with the Communists”.

Whether the respective leaderships wish to acknowledge it or not, Australians were active agents of change in the China of Chiang Kai Shek.

The two countries were engaging in trade relations from the nineteen thirties, and Australia’s fledging diplomatic service began its now prosperous chapter of Australia-China relations in Guomindang China. Such a celebration of preCommunist China may not rest comfortably for some, but it is a vital thread in the interwoven web that forms the modus operandi of Australia-

William H Donald ... published the political manifesto of Sun Yat Sen to an international audience. As his biographer Earl Selle commented, “around the globe, presidents and kings read what the newborn Republic of China had to say – from the typewriter of a young Australian newspaperman with a big nose and an easy smile”.

COMMENT// 10

Gonski in 60 seconds

BEN DUGGAN KERRY O’Brien recently ended a Four Corners program Growing Up Poor with the line: “We can tell these kids that they can be whatever they want to be, that their dreams can be realised, but not if they’re left largely to do it on their own. That would be a cruel hoax, wouldn’t it?”

Unfortunately, for some children, this is an apt description of the current state of education in Australia. Students are constantly told that they can achieve anything, yet many of our disadvantaged children are left without genuine and consistent support to do just that. With this in mind, the Federal Government’s Review of Funding for Schooling, the Gonski Review, has provided a once in a generation pathway out of the malaise that has obstructed education reform in Australia for decades. Statistics show that many Australians kids fail to reach the minimum standards for reading, mathematics and science. The 2011 Progress in International Reading Literacy Study showed that 24 per cent of Australian students did not meet the minimum reading standards before entering high school. In the same study, students from 26 countries out performed Australian children in year four reading.In the Trends in International Maths and Science Study of the same year, 21 countries outperformed Australian students in year 4 science, and 17 countries in year 4 mathematics. While some look to achievements in later year students to determine the success of an education system, the decline of these primary educational outcomes is a worrying trend.Thanks to a systemic inequality in our education system, a direct relationship exists between socio-economic disadvantage and poor educational outcomes. Factors such as where a child lives, their parents’ education, ethnicity and family income significantly determines their educational outcomes. While some might find it unsurprising that disadvantaged students are more likely to not meet minimum education standards, that does not make it acceptable. In fact, it is unacceptable, and when something is unacceptable, you must do something about it. According to the Smith Family University of Canberra Report Unequal Opportunities large inequalities remain in the Australian education system. This is particularly evident in the lack of financial resources available to some parents during their children’s formative years and the difficulties for underprivileged children to enter higher education.

As a young Australian, I find this unacceptable.

Yes, there are outstanding individual anomalies, but education should never be about resilience, or chance.While organisations such as Teach for Australia and the Foundation for Young Australians are working with young people to combat educational disadvantage, as a nation we need to do more. Why should we care? Because we know a great education allows a girl from country Australia to be the first female admitted to the Queensland bar and go on to become our first female Governor-General.The Gonski Review contains 41 recommendations with a major focus on combating educational disadvantage. The recommendations outline both a framework and solutions to many of the problems plaguing our schools today.

The Review has served as major call to action for reform with Federal Education Minister Peter Garrett noting in an opinion piece last year that, “for too long now we have discussed and debated what works - now we need to act.” He is right.

We’ve done the research, we have the foundations of a plan. It’s time to stop talking about the issue and do something about it.

Ben Duggan is Founder and Managing Director of the Raising Hope Educaiton Foundaiton.

COMMENT//11

Mary Jo and Her Demons

DAN ROSE

CURRENTLY, in the 43rd Parliament of Australia, there are three individuals who are or were under investigation by law enforcement for offences ranging from shop-lifting to fraud.

Craig Thomson was charged with 149 offences in Victoria, prompting an avalanche of facile moralising from the Opposition. In an interview on ABC’s Lateline, Assistant Treasurer David Bradbury drew a somewhat tenuous but valid link between former Senator Mary Jo Fisher and the Thomson saga, highlighting a double standard in regards to the insistence from the Opposition that the Government ought not accept Thomson’s “tainted” vote.

On a side note the “tainted” vote argument ceased holding water in October last year, when Pyne wrote to Thomson asking for his vote on Coalition amendments to superannuation legislation.

In response to Bradbury, Manager of Opposition Business Christopher Pyne lashed back by saying, “trying to shift the debate to Mary Jo Fisher is particularly sick. There were mental health issues involving Mary Jo Fisher, but if the Labor Party wants to draw that comparison...”

committed her shoplifting offences because she was mentally ill, whereas Thomson was not. In Fisher’s case, it follows, Pyne asserts we should forgive her, or at the very least, her vote (cast on 63 occasions) is not “tainted”.

This argument should rankle anyone in society who is affected by, or whose loved ones are affected by mental illness. What this amounts to is the shifting of agency for those living with mental illness from themselves to the illness itself.

Pyne in this instance banked the growing awareness surrounding depression, and subverted the message of many campaigns. As founder of the Headspace program, he should know better.

Rather than encouraging individuals to take ence between 149 charges for fraud in comparison to very minor charges for shoplifting from a ownership of their illness, Pyne’s message is comwoman who it turned out had significant mental pletely the opposite: In Pyneland, those living with depression now fall outside of the sphere of huhealth issues.”

Pyne’s second point, that different offences man agency.

Pyne should be sending the message that decarry different moral values, should be granted.

I would like to briefly examine Pyne’s initial argu- pression is an illness that sufferers can take ownership of, rather than belittling sufferers by sugment, though.

It is fair to characterise Pyne’s first premise by gesting that they are somehow less accountable saying that a distinction can be drawn between for their actions.

Thomson and Fisher, on the basis that Fisher Pyne elaborates on this, by suggesting that there is a different moral value between the offences of shoplifting and fraud, “…there is a massive differ-

This argument should rankle anyone in society who is affected by, or whose loved ones are affected by mental illness.

What is it With Canberra and Politics?

LUCY STONE

I’LL be honest – I knew near to nothing about politics when I rocked up for O-week in 2012. Apart from a vague interest in a subject that seemed to have real-life value, I had only an idealised expectation of something that seemed important to know about, and therefore must be important to everyone. My response to the dreaded what-areyou-studying-at-uni question provoked achingly clichéd chimes of “Politics, eh? You’re going to the right place!” This reflects ANU’s standing as a reputed place to study politics. Why then, is Canberra no exception for the number of people who seem to, uh, loathe it?

It may be that you’ve just moved to the nation’s capital and feel a new pressure to have an awareness of all things political. Or perhaps you gave up years ago and have already planned a donkey vote for the upcoming Federal election on September 14th. Worse yet, you may be a selfrighteous intellectual who takes pride in vomiting endless political jargon at the ignorant and therein contributing to the popularity of options a. and b. Whatever end of the spectrum you sit on, politics is yours. You read correctly. I believe that politics is outgrowing any groan-worthy reputation as an untouchable thing left to nasally red head’s and big-eared politicians.

“So I’m in Canberra. By default, I now have to care about politics.” Swap the first part to “so, I’m a person” and you’re there. Politicians work for us! This little epiphany is all too often forgot. Any second semester IR student could tell you that in 1994, the United Nations declared a shift from a focus on state security, to human security, ac-

knowledging that practical human needs - those of each and every one of us - must be met before national, regional and global security. Yet people have proved that they don’t need the UN to make such decisions! A grassroots movement is simply a group of people who feel strongly enough about an issue to actively campaign to make a difference, and has nothing to do with any political party. It is politics at its most fundamental, and most pure.

Not only is this ever-more prevalent in democracies like our own, but it’s now also occurring in oppressive regimes like that of North Korea, where people are quietly taking welfare matters out of the neglectful hands of the government and in to their own.

So what? This isn’t North Korea. You may be on the donkey voter end of the spectrum and question the entire political system, the integrity of politicians, or even the colour of a candidate’s hair with a huff and an exasperated “what’s the point?” The point is that we get to have a say in who is going to run the country we live in. It may only be a miniscule say between the ‘lesser of two evils’, but it is an important right. Pericles said that “just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.” Even if you choose to ignore it, politics affects us all. The vote might not have the spirited connotations of grassroots activism, but it’s a simple right that proves politics can be yours.

Sadly, I know that many people feel alienated from politics. It is a boring, confusing uncle that though seemingly omnipresent, doesn’t talk to us much and is best ignored. This may be in part

A Government that cannot get on top ON THE HILL

due to the jargon and intellectual stigma that surrounds politics and partly because, as discussed, it seems like something we can play no substantial role in. Recently a friend of mine was on the receiving end of the infamous ‘”left or right?” question. Though her knowledge in other areas likely far outweighs the questioner’s, she has no interest in politics and honestly admitted she did not know what this meant. She was met with condescension. I fail to understand why individuals who believe they have a firm grip on politics use it as a badge of intellectual supremacy over others.

This only creates a veil of fear that prevents peoFERGUS HUNTER ple from seeing the grip that they can, and should IT has not been an ideal start to the parliamentahave, on politics. ry year – and election campaign – for Julia Gillard Grassroots activism and the simple right to and the Government. vote are only two examples of what is within easy After boldly announcing a September 14 elecreach when the veil is lifted. The gradual shift tion date - in an attempt to project an air of cerfrom state-centered to people politics that is gaintainty and stability - various events have all but ing momentum in the world can remind us how undone any of the progress she hoped to make on fundamental politics is to everyone’s lives. While that front. This was the earliest notice given for a such idealised preaching may be worn down by poll in Australian history, longer even than Menanother year studying this subject, I believe that zies’ record three-month warning in 1958 and politics is changing, and with it any preconceived 1961. Bob Hawke declared ten weeks ahead in notions of an intangible, confronting, and irrevo1984 and suffered a disappointing swing against cably fixed thing. his Government, which many argue was due – at Politics is for people, and I’d like to think that least in part – to the relatively long campaign. no manner of government oppression or subtle The early announcement aims to shore up supcondescension can stop people from having a part port for the Prime Minister in her own party, of it. Even if your first visit to Parliament House is hopeful that a change of leadership becomes made while hung-over during O-week. less likely as the election nears. The Government is also attempting to use it to force the Coalition into releasing the costings for their many policy commitments, although, unsurprisingly, it hasn’t

worked so far,.

The Greens and independents welcomed the decision, although Tasmanian MP Andrew Wilkie joined others in warning against an eight-month campaign, mentioning that “there’s still a significant period of this parliament left to run.”

Unfortunately for the Government, the idyllic start to 2013 wasn’t to be.

On January 31 (the very next day), the politically radioactive Craig Thomson was arrested at his Central Coast electorate office; suspended from the ALP in April last year, the MP is charged with around 150 fraud offenses. While the Coalition could just sit back and let this do its own damage, they’ve seized the opportunity and are using it to again question the Gillard’s judgment and pressure the Government into refusing Thomson’s ‘tainted vote’.

Two Cabinet Ministers then chose this time to bow out, both citing the ever-reliable ‘family reasons’ as their motivation.

Senator Chris Evans spoke of the difficulty of the Western Australia-Canberra commute, while Attorney-General Nicola Roxon claimed she was no longer able to commit ‘200%’ to the job, Both Roxon and Evans had discussed their decisions with the Prime Minister some time before the announcement.

As has been a trend in recent times, the factional powerbrokers of the NSW Right are again causing headaches for the wider ALP. Former NSW MP Eddie Obeid and his family are currently undergoing investigation by ICAC, and are facing questioning in court over corruption charges. The Obeids are accused of benefiting to the tune of $100 million from inside knowledge of mining licenses through association with disgraced former colleague Ian Macdonald.

It appears some damage has been done, as the Government went into the first sitting week of 2013 with some disappointing Newspoll results. The poll projects a heavy loss for the ALP with 44% of the two-party preferred vote, to the Coalition’s 56%. The Government also lost ground where they’d previously found solace. On preferred Prime Minister, Gillard and Abbott are at 41% and 39%, from 45% and 33% respectively. Dissatisfaction with the job the PM is doing again rose above halfway to 52%, while satisfaction dropped to 39%.

The ALP is wounded and in damage-control mode again. As always, they’re desperately at-

The Government needs to follow the Opposition in harnessing the popularity of a former leader.

Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd remain the two most popular federal politicians.

tempting to shift attention to some of their major breakthroughs, such as the NBN and NDIS. At the same time trying to do the job that so many journalists seem reticent to do - getting the Coalition to answer questions on their involvement with James Ashby, the former staffer to disgraced Speaker Peter Slipper whom he accused of sexual harassment.

The Government needs to follow the Opposition in harnessing the popularity of a former leader.

Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd remain the two most popular federal politicians. So far, however, only Tony Abbott has been able to stomach elevating his political rival for the good of his campaign, going so far as to dedicate a paragraph to him in his first Press Club speech of 2013.

Meanwhile, the Opposition Leader is still protecting himself from making any of his infamous gaffes. Abbott continues to walk away from press conferences without answering questions after he’s finished his statement - a practice that continues to outrage the Press Gallery. And despite the standing invitation and consistent attention, he hasn’t appeared on Q&A since the 2010 election campaign.

A big danger for the Government leading up to this election is the same one experienced by Bob Hawke facing Andrew Peacock in 1984. The election demoted Hawke to the status of a caretaker Prime Minister while elevating Peacock as the alternative Prime Minister, not just Opposition Leader. This is exactly what the Opposition is trying to make happen today.

With the election 32 weeks away, something will have to change for the ALP if they hope to have any chance of being returned to Government.

FEATURES// 13

COMMENT// 12

Stay off the drugs kids MARK FABIAN

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IT’S almost the end of January and the return to college is approaching like a very fast, very clichéd and very menacing freight train.

I love college (Roth, A., 2009). But actually, I do. I love living in a place filled with engaging, exciting individuals. I love being constantly pushed to be better and challenged in my views. I cherish seeing these people every day.

So why do I feel like I’m in some grainy Western movie, gagged and struggling whilst I’m tied to the tracks?

The idea of 300 people (most of them friends) returning to our big, soviet hothouse for the new academic year is weighing on me. It’s a dark, inexplicable cloud of anxiety and no power of positive thinking (“It’ll be fine!”), reasoning (“You KNOW you like college”) or self-flagellation (of the “Drink a cup of cement…” genre) can get it to disperse.

I am more frightened than a first year.

Recently, a small and quite baffling sliver of light managed to illuminate a source of my irrational anxiety. It found its way through my preoccupied mind and shined its dust-flecked beam upon a small and scrunched up shred of paper; a memo doggedly ignored, pushed to the furthest corners of my deskbrain.

And what, you ask, did this hallowed piece of paper read?

“You are an introvert” Did you resist the urge to gag?

If you have the same notion of introversion as I did, you would also recoil from that adjective.

I understood it as one of two unflattering things: 1.

A slightly patronising term for a shy/ socially inept individual, whose best friend is an avatar.

2.

An arrogant, self-promoting term used to placate the egos of the less charming, confident and engaging among us.

I also took issue with the definition of the term.

The characteristics attributed to an introvert did

not fit my idea of myself. I am a bookish, yes, but this seemed to be the extent the term was applicable. A penchant for Penguins does not disqualify me from also enjoying parties, engaging in conversation or venturing into the sunlight.

However, as I read I became aware than testaments of self-confessed introverts, of which are although at times accompanied by sickening dollops of self-love, really were strangely soothing.

Introversion is deeper than personality. It is not

Introversion is deeper than personality. It is not a choice. It is not an attitude. It is not an aversion to fun. It is, and the scientists will back me up on this, a physiological difference in the make-up of our brains. It has been shown that introverts have slower and longer neural pathways. a choice. It is not an attitude. It is not an aversion to fun. It is, and the scientists will back me up on this, a physiological difference in the make-up of our brains. It has been shown that introverts have slower and longer neural pathways. “Where extroverts thrive from contact with people, introverts are tired by it.” They require solitude like oxygen. Time alone allows introverts to recharge and recuperate.

This was where college and I came to clash. I do need time to myself, I do get grumpy when I am in the presence of people for too long, I do pursue closer relationships with fewer people and my small talk (with apologies to anyone with first hand experience) is abysmal. All classic, diagnosable attributes of an introvert.

My issue is that society overwhelmingly prefers extroverts. A “people person” is likely to be livelier, more fun, more confident and outgoing.

However this fails to recognise that introversion is not mutually exclusive with these traits. Introverts just require more time, intimacy or fewer people to let them show.

College is the perfect storm for the introvert in denial. Time to myself, something I desperately crave, is disturbed by niggling thoughts of what I should be doing, silence at the dinner table by nagging thoughts of what I should be saying.

And where I use to seek being alone, I began to seek people for fear of being lonely.

An introvert who is “over stimulated” (not my own words) will struggle to appreciate the best parts of college. Anxiety and mental exhaustion mean the in denial introvert is getting quantity, not quality, from their social interactions.

They will seem distracted, may be hard to hold a conversation with or, the worst of the social sins, be awkward. And if not, they are probably just a very good actor.

So how do you, the in-denial introvert, learn to thrive at college?

The answer comes, and I’m only guessing, in revaluing introversion and recognising your own needs.

I am hoping, come D-day or O-week as some call it, that learning to like being alone again will mean that when I do, finally, venture out into the world beyond college, that I enjoy what I see. **This insight, if I’m less self-indulgent, actually came from a TedTalk titled The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain and an article “Caring for your introvert” by Jonathan Rauch at the Atlantic.

It’s becoming very common for people to think of depression as a chemical imbalance in the brain, and this worries me. It worries me because often the cause of the depression is to be found somewhere else. It also worries me because medicating can often inhibit the psychological processes required for healing.

The chemical imbalance perspective has a lot of merit but it is overly narrow. It wants to see everything in terms of chemicals because that can be engaged with in an entirely scientific manner. But this is precisely what the founding psychoanalytic school warned against.

In Frankel’s third Vienna school a strong distinction is made between neurosis and the psychological orientation of an individual. That is to say, an individual may develop a neurosis, which may manifest into a chemical imbalance, which can then only be hygienically cured by addressing elements in their existential attitude that are causing them to become unhealthy; for example, they may be a perfectly rational nihilist, which causes them to get depressed.

Jung stresses that the psyche contains forces that cannot be effectively understood as the products of chemicals, and that a more philosophical understanding of them is crucial to good therapy.

Someone with a neurotic relationship with their mother cannot be cured with drugs, for example.

In the work of all the major schools of psychoanalysis, depression is your psyche’s way of telling you that something is wrong on a ‘spiritual’ level.

That problem will remain even if you medicate away your depression. Medication can actually be dangerous because it inhibits communication between unconscious and conscious psychic forces. Medication, in eradicating feelings, can actually make it harder for us engage with our problems.

While this approach is not strictly scientific it is backed up by mountains of case data and tens of thousands of cured patients.

Often we turn to medication because we want to remain functional. This is often beneficial, and those self-harming or similar should certainly consider drugs. But in other cases this reaction is short-sighted. If, instead of medication, an individual allows for a period of dysfunction in their life in which they confront their depression head on they will emerge a much more functional person than the crippled, medicated one they were before. And they will know themselves better to boot.

Some mental illnesses cannot be cured with counselling. Bi-polar disorder, autism and schizophrenia come to mind. But it doesn’t take an idiot to see that these diseases are quite different to feelings of insecurity, anxiety and aimlessness that besiege everyone throughout life, especially at adolescence. These ‘existential crises’ don’t need drugs, instead, they need reflection. So if you’re going through such a period, deal with your shit, don’t medicate it away.

The author blogs at markfabian.blogspot.com

FEATURES// 14

FEATURES// 15

Britain is Circling the Drain The Hidden Eurozone Crisis

DAVID TUCKWELL anyway: they privatised, in large part, the NaIT’S a famous piece of medical vocabulary. In tional Health Service, increased university fees hospitals, when a patient is dying and they are on almost 300% and sacked public sector workers, their way out, doctors sometimes write “CTD” on as well as other things. their charts – Circling The Drain.

The reason the Conservatives offered for cutThe British economy is Circling The Drain. And the circles are getting smaller and faster.

According to recently published data from the Office of National Statistics, the UK is entering an historically unprecedented triple-dip recession. A recession is defined as two consecutive quarters of contraction.

The British economy is officially worse than it was during the Great Depression. It has not been this bad since at least the 1830’s, according to researchers at the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Why is the economy this bad? As Woroni readers may already know, much like the Wall St bailouts in the United States, the United Kingdom also bailed out their banks in the City of London.

The United Kingdom has one of the worlds largest derivatives markets, possibly the largest.

Derivatives are financial instruments that played a key role in triggering the Global Financial Crisis.

And as such, the UK was especially hard hit by the GFC. How much exactly the bank bailouts cost the UK in lost output is difficult to say. But best es- ting government spending was Britain’s debt timates from the Bank of England put the cost levels. Britain had spent too much money and somewhere between $2.8 -$11.6 trillion USD. the belt had to be tightened, the Conservatives Making matters worse is the UK’s current claimed.

Conservative coalition government. Today’s gov“We are paying down Britain’s debts,” crowed ernment, led by Prime Minister David Cameron, David Cameron. “I see nothing moral about leavassumed power in 2010 and inherited a train- ing our children with our enormous debts,” he wreck economy. said.

When they came to power, the Conservatives The claims of a debt crisis were always dubious knew just how bad things were. The Oxford- to begin with: Britain has been in debt for over educated Prime Minister knew the history of the 350 years and current debt levels are low by hisGreat Depression. He knew that when you cut torical standards. government spending during a recession, you Furthermore, to the extent that debt had risen only make the recession worse. the past five years, it was owing to the enormousBut they went and cut government spending ly expensive bank bailouts and the recession they

The British economy is officially worse than it was during the Great Depression. It has not been this bad since at least the 1830’s, according to researchers at the Royal Bank of Scotland. Why is the economy this bad?

Obama Round Two ANDALEEB AKHAND

AMERICAN liberals can now breathe a collective sigh of relief and cancel their plans to flee to Canada. With Romney’s attempt to win the White House having fallen short, the majority of people around the world who supported Obama can join in as well.

But as Obama commences his second term in office, what can we expect? What will be new, and what will be the same? What are the issues that will dominate the Obama administration’s agenda for the next four years?

Climate change and energy “The president has been clear that tackling climate change and enhancing energy security will be among his top priorities in his second term,” said Clark Stevens, a White House spokesman.

Congress has been hostile to the kind of legislation necessary to make a dramatic impact in mitigating climate change. However, new carbon emissions standards on future power plants are currently making their way through the regulatory process. Power plants are an important area to tackle as they are currently responsible for 40% of uncontrolled carbon pollution in the US, making it the single largest source in the country.

With respect to energy, Obama’s agenda will likely be a continuation of his policies in his first term: more reliance on renewable energy sources, such as wind and solar, and expanded production of oil and natural gas.

One of his first challenges will be whether to approve the Keystone XL oil pipeline from Canada to Texas. Republicans and many business groups lobbying for the project say it would help

Policy or Personality?

North America gain energy independence and create thousands of jobs. Environmental groups, on the other hand, have urged the President to block it because of the “dirty oil” that would be transported from tar sands in western Canada and the production of heat-trapping gases.

With the boom in oil and natural gas production, Obama faces another dilemma as to whether to continue to promote it at the expense of renewable sources of energy.

Foreign policy The Middle East will continue to be a source of many headaches for Obama. U.S. troops are scheduled to be withdrawn from Afghanistan by the end of 2014, bringing America’s longest war to a conclusion. Iran’s nuclear program, which US sanctions have done little to slow despite their crippling effect on the Iranian economy, and possible military action by Israelis, are other minefields that Obama will have to navigate. Hillary Clinton will be replaced by John Kerry, former presidential nominee and Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, as Secretary of State.

Gun control legislation The recent massacre of 26 children and teachers in a Connecticut school has propelled gun control to the forefront of Obama’s domestic policy agenda. Proposed reforms, including a renewed ban on assault weapons, limiting ammunition clip size and universal background checks on gun sales, have already come under attack by the powerful National Rifle Association (NRA).

Given the NRA’s historically successful attempts in the past to stymie gun control legislation, expect an uphill battle.

Immigration After having failed to get immigration reform off the ground in his first term, Obama plans an all-out push to get a comprehensive bill on immigration reform signed within months. The White House has called fixing immigration a vital step if the country is to “out-innovate, out-educate, and out-build the rest of the world.”

Unlike climate change and guns, immigration reform is actually an issue that may be able to garner some bipartisan support. A group of eight Republican and Democratic senators are currently

With respect to energy, Obama’s policies will likely be a continuation of his policies in his first term: more reliance on renewable energy sources, such as wind and solar, and expanded production of oil and natural gas.

working on a bill that’s likely to include a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, a new system for bringing in low-wage workers, an expansion of visas for hi-tech jobs, and a crackdown on employers who hire undocumented workers.

That said, the House’s ultra-conservative Republican majority may prove to be an obstacle to the passage of the bill. On the upside, immigration reform is an issue that has had a while to evolve, and during that time a formidable support base has evolved that includes Latino groups, labour unions, religious institutions and business groups, all of whom are planning campaigns in support of the bill.

Economy In the next few months, Obama also faces the need to raise the debt ceiling and deal with automatic spending cuts that are set to take place.

In the longer-term, Obama has emphasised a comprehensive infrastructure program as the means to stabilising and growing the economy. “If we are putting people back to work – rebuilding our roads, our bridges, our schools – in part paying for it by some of these broader, long-term deficit reduction measures that need to take place, that will grow the economy at the same time as we are also setting our path for long term fiscal stability.”

Ken Duberstein, White House chief of staff during Ronald Reagan’s second term, once said, “In the first term, you are running for re-election. In the second term, you’re running for legacy.”

As Obama looks to the sort of legacy that will be written in history books, let’s hope it is one that future generations can marvel at.

caused. How is it fair to pay for a crisis bankers and hedge fund managers caused by firing public sector workers?

In any event, it is becoming increasingly clear that the approach taken has failed even on its own terms. British debt has in fact increased the past three years – which is almost inevitable when an economy slides into recession. Let alone a triple-dip recession.

Debt is even forecasted to grow all the way up to 2018, according to the Government’s official budgetary watchdog.

Senior economists at Goldman Sachs now warn that if things continue, the UK may face a “lost decade” of economic growth, Just like Japan did during the 1990’s.

But the consequences of a recession are broader than just increased debt. There are also particularly nasty social effects, such as the damage to the career prospects of young people.

Recessions make finding work harder, particularly for the young. And evidence shows that when young people’s careers start slowly or start late, the stalled beginning leaves effects that last a lifetime.

Last week, a study by the Work Foundation found that UK youth unemployment was the third worst of the 33 OECD nations. The only countries worse of were Greece and Spain, both of which are in the midst of the Eurozone crisis.

There is also something of a sad irony to this.

When Conservatives were in opposition in 2009, they in fact admitted that young people would bear the brunt of a recession. Yet since coming to power, such candour seems largely to have disappeared.

As well as career prospects, intergenerational progress is at issue. For 100 years, each generation of Britons have been wealthier, on average, than their parents. The triple dip recession may very possibly undermine this century long trend, if it has not done so already.

Calling all first years!

Do you want to make some new friends, meet older students and have a lot of fun?!

ANUSA is running first year camps for all academic faculties over the next couple of weeks! Buy tickets online at shop.anusa. com.au or in person in Union Court

Cheap textbooks!

Second hand books for all subjects available from shop.anusa. com.au priced at 50% of new ones which means you have more money to spend on O Week fun!

Get involved!

ANUSA has heaps of ways to get involved, from advocacy to party planning, social policy to publications!

If you are interested in volunteering contact Tasman Vaughan, the ANUSA Vice President on sa.vicepres@anu. edu.au

For more information about ANUSA see the pull out on pages 30 and 31

FEATURES// 16

FEATURES// 17

Not Quite China Plate, Mate Communicating with a billion people is very difficult SPOTLIGHT ON CHINA

BRENDAN FORDE CHINA’S new leader Xi Jinping has recently begun his transition to power, yet significant challenges have already emerged. In particular, a short lived strike by journalists at a national newspaper has brought to the spotlight how far motivated individuals are prepared to push the boundaries of acceptable political behaviour. Xi’s public comments thus far seem to point to reform and greater public participation. Whether the new rhetoric will live up to promises of change will have to be seen.

One of the key elements of Xi’s first speech as General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) was corruption. Referring to corruption as a “severe challenge”, Xi promised strict new internal Party processes to address and end all corruption within the CCP. He said: “There are many

pressing problems within the Party that need to be resolved urgently, especially the graft and corruption cases that occurred to some of the Party members and cadres, being out of touch from the general public, bureaucracy and undue emphasis on formalities -- they must be resolved with great efforts”.

Such a statement, acknowledging as it does the significant internal challenges facing the CCP, is extraordinary given its context; coming in the opening address of the new leader of the Party.

That corruption is a cancerous distortion in the politics and society of China is patently obvious to even the most casual observer. Corruption is often cited as one of the greatest crises within the regime. The same analysis concludes that the regime is so crippled by it that no redeeming change or reform is possible. Every survey of social attitudes of Chinese society reveals that people are both concerned and resentful of official corruption, feeling that it brings unfair advantages to the unworthy. So to have the single most important figure within the CCP devote a whole paragraph of his first speech to addressing Party internalcorruption is both important and extraordinary.

An acknowledgment of the scale of the challenge that corruption posed seemed to indicate that Xi had brought a new essence of responsibility to office. Yet corruption is so significant an issue, involving powerful players and great vested interests that time can only tell if Xi’s call will bring any semblance of change or improvement to the level of corruption.

In the same speech, Xi said: “They [the peo-

ple] hope for better education, more stable jobs, more satisfactory income, more reliable social security, medical services with higher standards, more comfortable living conditions and a more beautiful environment. They wish that children will grow better, work better and live better. The people’s desire for a better life is simply the target of our endeavour”. This acknowledgement of the basic needs and desires of the Chinese people; safety, security and comfort, almost seems to indicate a new focus of attention for the regime.

Another key part of Xi’s speech concerned the very nature of the regime’s communication with its people. The inability of the government to communicate directly to the people, free from jargon and empty rhetoric, has long been bemoaned. Xi seemed to recognise a significant deficiency in his comments: “Our responsibility is to work with all comrades in the party, to make sure the party supervises its own conduct and enforces strict discipline, effectively deals with the prominent issues facing the party, earnestly improves the working style of the party and maintains close ties with the people”.

The last part of the comment is instructive: by commenting on the CCP’s ties to the people Xi seems to be acknowledging that there are significant problems in the relations between the regime and society. Again, this is an issue that many Chinese citizens will openly acknowledge. But for any government to openly and publicly recognize that there is a significant communication deficit is no small gesture. But, like action on corruption, time will only tell if such sentiments engender

real change.

BORIPAT LEBEL The grand rhetoric of change and reform MCDONALD’S are breaking into markets once within Xi’s address faced its first challenge early averse to American fast-food cuisine. On a rein 2013. Responding to a heavy handed act of cent trip to Thailand, I chanced upon a glossy censorship to a special New Year editorial which pamphlet advertising McDonald’s new breakfast called for dedicated implementation of China’s menu. A choice of pork or chicken congee (also constitution, journalists from the editorial depart- known as rice porridge) was the new special. ment at the Guangzhou based Southern Week- What a joke, I thought, congee actually means end went on strike. Typically, Chinese journalists “joke” in Thai! But as more people transition are guided by a form of self-censorship; determin- towards bourgeois households, American junk ing whether a story would arouse the ire of the food becomes the status symbol, and a neighregime. But in this particular case, the provincial bourhood “drive-through” McDonald’s becomes authorities responsible for censorship directly the gold standard. intervened without reference to the journal- Customisation, aka cuisine appropriation, is ists in question. For any Chinese journalist to go McDonald’s key strategy for world food dominaon strike in protest against corruption is deeply tion. Subsequently, I have accumulated intelliunusual. Journalists clearly felt that such a move gence about the culinary manipulations that the would not involve a full and merciless repres- sneaky clown has engaged in across the globe, sive response from the regime. Such conclusions from Bangkok to Paris to New York. were correct as the authorities quickly came to Bangkok an agreement with the protestors, agreeing not “Joke” is to Thais what Weet-Bix is to Australto directly intervene again unless circumstances ians; it’s the national breakfast. That’s why it was required. incorporated into menus and embraced with big Why the journalists at the Southern Weekend smiles by the people of Old Siam. Meanwhile in chose this particular moment to make a point has the West, the next time you happen to be browsmore to do with individual circumstances than to ing in a supermarket, check out the canned tuna. the rhetoric or attitude of the regime. If Xi insists As you will likely find out, it all comes from Thaion discussing reform the Chinese people will lis- land. Thus it must have seemed logical to the chefs ten. Real change is certainly needed in China. Xi at McDonald’s Plaza (food domination headquarmust be careful to manage expectations; the Party ters) to bake up the “Tuna Pie” as a memorial to will not have the luxury to continue to disappoint this country’s proud exports of canned tuna. or mislead the people.

Hong Kong

McAlert McDonald’ s turns to multiculturalism The “Sausage N’Egg Twisty Pasta” involves bendt pasta - in other words, macaroni - in a watered down soup, topped with a previously frozen, perfectly shaped, circular egg, and a flattened sausage. Once you have downed the soup, a “Fresh Corn Cup” adds a touch of Hong Kong eccentricity.

Tokyo “Shaka Shaka Chicken” sounds more Columbian than Japanese. It’s basically chicken strips plunged into “vintage” oil, fried to a golden crisp, and dumped into a paper bag. The consumer then tops the bag up with a packet of redalert-sodium seasonings and shakes it, presumably to Shakira’s ‘Waka Waka’.

New Delhi The ‘Maharaja-Mac’ is India’s take on the Big Mac. It uses chicken instead of beef, in accordance with the religious laws that preach “Thou shalt eat Chicken, as Cow looks like neighbour”. So instead of offering McCalf they have McEgg; McDonald’s is en-

lightened.

Sydney McDonald’s franchises have exercised the Australian slang word ‘brekkie’ profusely in the breakfast menu to attract working class Aussies.

Then, to flirt with the middle classes, Maccas introduced the premium Angus Burger which was a commercial success in the United States. Australia, being the USA’s puppy, lapped it all up.

Paris Why buy expensive macarons from a Pierre Hermé ‘crèmede-la crème’ patisserie when you can purchase them in a much less intimidating atmosphere at a fraction of the price from Mc du Café. Granted McCafes don’t carry thirty flavours - in fact they only have six – but by selling the national button to les misérables commoners, French McDonald’s hope to connect with the majority who don’t live in Versailles.

Rome

The ‘Maharaja-Mac’ is India’s take on the Big Mac. It uses chicken instead of beef, in accordance with the religious laws. So instead of offering McCalf they have McEgg; McDonald’s is enlightened.

No pizzas at the McDonald’s in Italy’s piazzas.

Instead, ‘Focaccino’ adds a zest of Italian flair to the menu, where focaccia bread is the star attraction of this roast turkey sandwich. On the other side of the taste spectrum, the ‘Crema Catalana’ (Crème Brûlée) has already garnered loyal Italian fans who are sick of Tiramisu.

Toronto McDonald’s subtly transitioned into the Canadian market by renaming scones as biscuits, solidifying the long suspected theory that the USA and Canada are the same country. Crossing the border into ‘scary’ is the ‘Double Big Mac’. Try warning a Canadian happily gorging on one of these, and he is likely to mumble an apologetic “Eh, but I just got started”.

New York The menu on offer in New York is a large waistband, but that’s not stopping McDonald’s from fighting anorexia with the pork and barbequesauce special ‘McRibs’! Further down, McUSA gets homey by dishing out the all-American classic sweet, ‘S’mores Pie’, a gooey reminiscence of early childhood.

McDonald’s aims for world food domination through food customisation that provides culturally assimilated dishes to every pair of Golden Arches around the globe. Ronald is a savvy red clown, and I’m lovin’ it.

ANU students to discuss organ and tissue donation on Campus DonateLife ACT urge all ANU students to discuss organ and tissue donation with their families and to understand their decisions during DonateLife Week, which will be held on Sunday 24 February – Sunday 3 March 2013. One organ and tissue donor can transform the lives of ten or more people. So please have the conversation about organ and tissue donation with your family that could one day save the lives of many.

Canberra achieved its highest ever annual organ donation outcomes in 2012 with 12 organ donors. Nationally 1,052 Australians received an organ transplant in 2012 as a result of the generosity of 354 people who lost their lives and of their families who agreed to donation.

Last year there were 1,099 organs transplanted which included 606 kidneys, 230 livers, 72 hearts, 4 heart/lung, 144 lungs, and 38 pancreas’ (plus four pancreas islets and one intestine). Also 1,169 Australians donated their corneas and 1,942 Australians had their sight improved through corneal transplants.

During DonateLife Week, take some time to share your wish with your family and close friends, and ask them about their wishes. DonateLife Week is Australia's national awareness week to promote organ and tissue donation. DonateLife ACT is holding numerous community events and activities across Canberra that is listed on the DonateLife website.

We will be on the campus on 13 February holding an information stall with clinical staff, transplant recipients and local volunteers. Also we have a Pic-Me photobooth for students to send social media photographs of themselves discussing organ and tissue donation with their friends. You can upload your photographs to our DonateLife Facebook website or you’re web pages.

For more information www.donatelife.gov.au or email DonateLife ACT: organ.donation@act.gov.au

U

UNOFFICIAL UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT GUIDE

A

N

2013 STUDENT HANDBOOK

VICE-CHANCELLOR’S MESSAGE

ABOUT CANBERRA

PROGRAM OUTLINES Bachelor of Arts / Bachelor of Laws

Bachelor of Environmental Science / Bachelor of Laws

Bachelor of Arts

Duration: Until hell freezes over.

ATAR Requirement: 5 extra bonus points for graduating from an elite private school on the North Shore.

Details:A special variant of the Law degree, made especially for students residing at Burgmann College. Along with the normal Law subjects, students may major in ‘International Relations’, ‘Sexual Relations with LSS Sluts’, ‘Self Fellations’, and ‘More International Relations’.

Career Options:If you are lucky, human rights lawyer for the United Nations.

More probably, eventual paralegal at Big W.

Duration: 1-2 years before transferring to a Law degree combined with Arts, Commerce, or anything else that will earn more money than preserving a rare breed of North American river otter.

ATAR Requirement: Not quite as high as Sydney University.

Details: Once students realise that holes in the ozone layer will make tanning to that uber-fashionable shade of Oompa Loompa orange that little bit easier at their future beach houses in Noosa, call the Enrollment Office and press ‘1’ for ‘corporate law sell-out’.

Career Options: Under the table settlements at BP’s legal team, Deep Throat Horizon.

Duration: Initially 3 years, realistically 7.

ATAR Requirement: High enough for you to get into a degree with real career prospects.

Details: A degree where students will spend three years being the butt end of all jokes and going to tutes which consist of people talking about their feelings.

The fifty odd exciting majors include ‘Neo-Marxist Feminist Poststructural Deconstructionism’, ‘Basketweaving’, and ‘Latin’.

Career Options: …do we even need to try to make a joke out of this one?

Hello and welcome, beautiful little cogs.

Bachelor of International Relations

Bachelor of Music

Bachelor of Philosophy

Choosing a university that is best for you is often articulated as being a difficult decision. This guide strives to explain that the decision is not only simple, but it has in fact largely already been made for you.

Duration: 3 years of lamenting a poor life choice.

ATAR Requirement: High enough for you to convince yourself you’re not just another Arts student.

Details: : Students entering this degree typically want to work for either DFAT or the UN. Life experience soon tells them that this was a bad move.

Career Options: Tour guide, hating Arts/ Law students, the public service.

Duration: Until Ian Young pulls the plug.

ATAR Requirement: Given the current state of affairs, tell them the difference between a pianist and a penis and you’re basically in.

Details: Students will master the ability to play their instrument at a an impressively diverse range of dynamics; pianissimo to avoid detection by Ian Young Gestapo spies, and fortissimo to be heard over the roar of bulldozers and wrecking balls.

Visit www.tafe.gov.au for further details.

Career Options: Music student at TAFE.

Bachelor of Science

Bachelor of Science (Advanced)(Honours)

Lunch: Free as far as ANUSA/Woroni/Focus are providing unlimited propaganda sausages any given day to shove down your gullet

Duration: 3 years and approximately fifty gazillion contact hours.

ATAR Requirement: i Details: A degree intended for people who are sexually aroused by physics, people who didn’t get into medicine, and people who care entirely way too much about science in general. Students are likely to be completely destroyed by the course MATHS1115.

Career Options: Mythbusters! Being a web comic creator.

Duration: More years than Science.

ATAR Requirement:: Higher than Science Details: A science degree for people who couldn’t get into the PhB, who nevertheless still want to feel superior to normal science students. Students are still likely to get destroyed by MATHS1115.

Career Options: Being snatched up by an unethical pharmaceutical organization, Marvel Superhero.

Parking Tickets: Three hours a week worth of indignant emails to ANU Parking

Bachelor of Commerce

Bachelor Actuarial Studies

Duration: A life-time of sucking up to bosses.

ATAR Requirement: $40,000 to the university.

Details: Get ready for three exciting years of networking, resume building, and lectures given by academics who don’t really speak English! Perks of this degree include having enough money to shout people drinks on Thursday nights (a sure way to build up your corporate relationships) and having actual career prospects.

Career Options:Being ludicrously rich.

Duration: 4 years + a never-ending stream of exams.

ATAR Requirement: Roughly your starting salary per hour upon graduation. Details: A degree for people who decide at the age of eighteen that nothing excites them more than repetitive hours of using mathematics to predict long term financial risk. A great way (other than AsiaPacific Studies) to meet Asian international students.

Career Options: Human calculator, professional poker player.

ANU is Australia’s most researchintensive university and consistently ranked among the best universities in the world. The ranking system is complicated and probably beyond the comprehension of your insect-deep appreciation of the world around you, but in a nutshell what we choose to pay our staff and what we put into research, dictated by how much pocket money the Government chooses to divert to education, establishes the tertiary pecking order. You could almost say that the government chose US to be the ‘best’ Uni in all of the land! Except for last year, when my bosses chose Melbourne. No love lost though, my salary isn’t changing any time soon.

ANU is an intimate, welcoming campus, with six or seven exclusive residential colleges that your parents may or may not choose for you to be a part of. Whether or not you are able to buy your way into a network will help you realise that it is not you who will choose your friends, the way in which you have fun, what food you eat or what you study, but a series of random externalities usually involving but not restricted to where you grew up, what tax bracket your parents are in, and what school they chose for you. So relax guys, success (or your lack thereof) is something we take great pride in having little bearing on. The world is not our oyster, but yours.

There is plenty going on in Canberra! *

We also take pride in our staff to student ratio here at the ANU. Helping to aid this claim to fame of ours is the ruthlessness in which we have prioritised our educational faculties. For example, music and drama are not big capital *For more information please go to generating areas of study and prachttp://lmgtfy.com/?q=canberra tise, and as such we have cut them off like the gangrenous legs that they had become. This is how businesses work, and it is important that we impress upon you the notion that you are not Typical weekly costs that should be factored into every student’s budget to an individual, free-thinking human, but make the most of their time at the ANU. a tiny cog in an infinitely expanding and ever-omnipotent growth-machine.

MONEY MATTERS

Most importantly, ANU takes seriously our role in nurturing and developing young minds to grow and succeed, and potentially inherit the world. Our graduates go on to take up leadership positions in government, industry, research and politics all around the world. Some of them drop out, grow beards, get weird and disappear into the mountains. What they choose to do after University is really only relevant if it suits pamphlets like this one. Once they walk out of the gate we stop grading their success on a piece of paper and instead rank it on a what-bestsuits-us scale. This makes it easier to make tough decisions like letting vocationally-oriented areas of study supersede studying for purely educational purposes.

Coffee: $20

For these reasons, and many more, I encourage you to explore the 2013 Undergraduate Student Guide and find out what ANU can offer you.

Bikes: Free to pick up outside the Burgmann parking lot

Ian Young Professor Ian Young Chance-Vicellor.

Condoms: $8.95 Rent: Sharehouse $150-200, College free courtesy of Bank of Dad

Stationery/Cutlery: Free to top-up after spending a night with a Johns first-year

Amyl: Free to pick up outside Cube Nightclub

Paula Nazareth Focus

Hi friend, It’s that time of year again. It’s time to get the ANU FOCUS family back together again. Time to round ‘em up and bring ‘em in! We NEED to get together to gain a vision for year ahead, to pray, to get things sorted for O-Week and beyond. It’ll also be heaps of fun.

Duration: You’re going to be a perpetual student anyway, who cares?

ATAR Requirement: Elitist.

Details: PhB (pronounced ‘fehb’) is a Science degree for ‘people who love research’, meaning people who have no life skills outside of studying and comparing marks with their friends. There Warren Drifter is also an Arts variant, but this is seldom Twenty-Five Year Old acknowledged as nobody can explain Undergraduate what Arts research actually is.

Career Options: A PhD, a post-doc, an- “I started off studying Commerce, then other post-doc, a second PhD, another switched to Science, but after watching Bachelors’ degree, etc…

Life of Pi 3D over the summer I’ve decided to pick up Arts and do a Philosophy/Literature double major. I’ve got a share-house with two kids who were ten Bachelor of Engineering years old when I started university, but don’t worry, I can still drink with the best of them, you know, I’m the Fresh Prince of Belconnen!

Duration: 4 years.

ATAR Requirement: Just higher than the episode count for the original Star Trek.

Details: Where are all the girls?

Career Options: Death Star technician.

Bachelor of Asia-Pacific Studies

Duration: 三年 ATAR Requirement: Still higher than Arts.

Details: A specialist degree intended for people who have raging yellow fever and want an easy pretense for meeting lots of Asian people (Commerce is too hard).

Offers students the opportunity to obtain a graduate diploma for going on a yearlong holiday to Asia.

Career Options: Kevin Rudd, Japanese porn star.

Ryan Mosman College Kid

“I got into Sydney Law School as well, but chose the ANU, because like, I wanted to leave home and discover myself. Also, whilst the ANU’s Commerce Department is of a reasonable reputation, as my daddy always told me, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know!” Therefore, I’m hoping that some of the friends I make at college will end up becoming wealthy businessmen who can give me a leg up in the future.

Student Lifestyle If you’re from Sydney or Melbourne, which is a 90% likelihood at the ANU, you’ve probably heard that Canberra is described the marijuana, fireworks and porn capital of Australia. Only one of those assertions is true - porn is legal (but not child porn, unfortunately).

Gertrude Edraki

Mature Age Student

Stop right there, criminal scum - Carrying over an ounce of marijuana is a criminal offence, and any other amount will still land you a hefty fine. Fireworks were

outlawed in 2010, too, so there’ll be no In regards to sex, Canberra is also the #YOLOing at all during your time in the chlamydia capital of Australia. This disBush Capital. ease afflicts serial masturbators, libertines and ethnic minority. In order to Many of you will want to spend your O- avoid the horrors of chlamydia (your Week snorting marijuana sticks, eating gentitals fall off and the cat will run ice and injecting heroin into your eye- away), we strongly suggest a lifestyle balls, so we give you this advice: Get of complete sexual abstinence, cold ready to pay the “Canberra markup”, the meals and a daily dose of the Good price you pay for living in the middle of Book (Cooperating for Peace: The Global Agenda by Chancellor Gareth nowhere.

Evans AO).

“While I obviously feel like my more youthful fellow students who have just finished high school are more attuned to studying, I feel like I make up for this by always keeping up to date with readings and maintaining my 100% lecture attendance rate. On a different note, I love the social side of the ANU and always try to engage with my cohort by keeping up to date with the Wattle Forum Digest.”

Socialist Alternative “I would answer your question, comrade, but for the fact that your institution is merely a Euro-centric, heteronormative puppet for the throbbing capitalist regime which is perpetually rammed down our throats spreading the ejaculate of Western Imperialism.”

MAKING FRIENDS

Find hordes of new faces on campus utterly intimidating and overwhelming? Stuck for points of conversation? Do you detest disingenuous small-talk? Fear not, with the 2013 Guide to Every College Conversation even the most tongue-tied first year will come to realise what is the key to social success.

Are you going out tonight?

My Careers Advisor at Narrabunda College told me that the ANU Arts Degree would be just as good as Melbourne Uni for getting me a headstart in developing my synth-pop blog website and therefore I saw no reason to move. On top of this, the ANU is in a great location within Canberra. It’s walking distance from LSR, Mocan and Sweet Bones and now that I’ve knitted myself a car, simply a short drive away from Phillip Salvos.

F

18

Nah I’m sick/have to study

Yeah it’s gonna be loose

Sounds pretty rigid

Did you hook up with anyone?

Loose

Sounds pretty rigid

How was your night?

Was pretty rigid actually Yeah it was loose I got so wasted

Yeah

Fe

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The Freshers’ Guide to Every Possible College Conversation

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Sounds pretty rigid

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COMMENT// 24

Hear, hear to the hipster

A La-La Land Production

BORIPAT LEBEL

AS a hopeful writer-producer I peddle ideas for new TV shows. Unfortunately NBC has shown no interest in taking up my creations thus far. So I plan to attract admirers, via this student paper, who will bombard this TV channel with letters of reference until said conglomerate picks up at least one of three original TV ideas.

Downtown Abyss Set in a dystopian London during the Titanicdecade, when grandiose aristocrats were the faces of English bureaucracy, “Downtown Abyss” tells the story of 70-year-old Queen Violet (or “harpy” to the impoverished commoners), as she rules this hard-to-please and non-cooperative, democratic kingdom. Drama arises every Sunday, when parliamentarians hold court to select the human sacrifices that will be dropped into the sacred Abyss (or the “London Eye”), centred at the physical and spiritual heart of this capital city. Sometimes it’s a load of criminals or a pair of fairies, though usually it’s a gaggle of priests that is preferred, “a cleaner offering” in the eyes of the Gods, whence Parliament tends to get a little rowdy. Queen Violet has the last say in these cases where no martyrs are selected. Upstairs (land) - downstairs (abyss) drama aside, Queen Violet also faces challenging foreign affairs. The Parisians reportedly traffic English-bred and attested virgins for their own nation’s version of ritual slaughter by the Guillotine, leading to fiery tension between the two sovereignties. Her royal highness must patch up relations with surgical precision or risk going to war. At the same time she must protect the angelic virgins from being abducted for said sacrilege and instead be saved for the one true holy, the Abyss.

Pastor Chef and Bad Men Forget the “Foamed Durian” and “Jalapeño Macarons”; all of the foods cooked up in this foodie competition must be dishes that were prominent on the menus of the 1960s – the Salad Bar era. In the name of authenticity, the kitchen’s technology and the people’s attire must also follow the customs of that time. Those were the days of sexism: “a woman’s place is in the kitchen, “make me a sandwich”, etcetera. So to avoid controversy, I have decided to only take in male contenders,

specifically pastors, who must concoct flavoured divinities. Each episode showcases a star ingredient – the first element in the series will be Pasta.

The preparation time that the pastor chefs receive will be approximately 1-hour ± 10 minutes. This will depend on the level of hungriness expressed by the judging panel, comprised of three inmates, “Bad Men”, from the local Correctional Facility.

After sifting through hundreds of applicants and trimming the field down to a handful of challengers, the winner will be appointed “Private Chef” to Pope Benedict XVI. To avoid an all-male cast, the curvaceous red-siren actress from Mad Men, Christina Hendricks, will be the show’s moderator. And, proudly sponsoring this show will be drink mix, Tang – “it’s a kick in a glass”.

Dirty Rocks Funny lady Tina Fey, or Liz Lemon from 30 Rock, plays Geologist Jizz Lime in this modernday, dirt-people comedy. Jizz works for New Bricks & Cement (NBC, no relation) a mining corporation with headquarters in Oklahoma.

Destiny calls, when she comes across a “stone(d) professional”, who convinces her that a precious rock, coincidentally named “Lime-stone”, lies deep in New Jersey. Engulfed in weed smoke, and propelled by the euphoria that a stone may be named after her, she seduces her boss, Alexis Bolding, with the prospect of wealth, into greenlighting an expedition to explore this Emerald city, which she later finds out is more enamel than gemstone. With her team of dumb-as-a-rock colleagues, she scavenges through this wasteland, literally looking under every rock and even drilling holes in people’s private dinning rooms.

In the span of the series, the unwashed cohorts promise to generate stacks of giggles and grunts of disgust from viewers at home. Without doubt quirky Jizz will stimulate ejaculations of laughter from critics, solidifying the show’s reputation as a comedy for comedians.

Reality confirms that your undoubted, but unstated, admiration for these quality TV plots will not seal studio deals on its own. So I beg you, generous admirer, if not for my sake then for the sake of one less Kardashian spinoff, to put your compliments in a letter and mail those sweet words to a broadcaster “keeping it real”.

ELENA TJANDRA

Tips for a perfect O-Week

EMILY MCKAY

1.

INSTALL Instagram You don’t want to waste your O-week taking bland, rectangular photos do you? Before you even get to campus, make sure Instagram is installed on your smart phone. If you don’t have a smart phone…well, there’s not really much point in you coming at all. An O-week without documenting every cocktail, event, meal, and textbook stack is an O-week not worth having.

Nothing says ‘I’m here to learn’ quite like a slightly blurred around the edges, low-fi photo of your books on a lunch table.

2.

Get drunk and meet people Meeting people is all fine and dandy, but how are you supposed to sustain a real friendship with no drunk memories to look back fondly on? When you get drunk and embarrass yourself in front of new friends, you have a conversation starter for at least two weeks (at which point you need to get drunk with them again to make some new memories).

3.

Sign up for societies you have no intention of participating in Well you can participate in them I suppose. It’s just so rewarding telling your family and future employers that during your time at ANU you were members of the Law Society, Sociology Society, Medicine Society, Film Society, Drama Society, Agriculture Society, Book Society, University Society, Fishing Society, Shopping Society, Lamp Society etc. Your resume just got awesome.

4.

Attend as many events as you can They may seem lame to you now, but you’re going to have to sit through a semester of people talking about all the exciting drama that occurred during them. Don’t you want to join in? Show the plebs how much fun you can be! “Oh my God did

Many Shades to the City of Light

you see that girl fall off the stage in the pizza eating competition?” “Yes, yes I did.”

5.

Look your best!

For the next three years you’re going to be too hung over to actually take pride in your appearance, so try and pack your o-week with goodlooking days. Your peers will have this first Oweek as a memory to get them through the next three years knowing that once, long ago, you acUP IN THE tually did brush your hair.

AIR 6.

Sign up for the campus gym Most gyms have a café or something right?

7.

Do NOT attend orientation lectures I know you must be excited about starting university for the first time, but seriously. I’m here to help. You’ll be stuck with hoards ofROBERT SELTH international students learning how to buy bus Welcome to our new regular travel column! Evetickets and use Australian slang. Here’s my sumry issue, Woroni will run an article offering commary of important things they’ll spend an hour ment and advice on an overseas destination, for talking about: the benefit of anyone who may be travelling there.

- Make a study plan!

If you’ve been somewhere popular and you’d like to - Action Buses is the bus company share your recommendations, please feel welcome - ‘G’day’ is an abbreviation of ‘Good Day’ to submit an article. and is a common (?) greeting in Australia - There are student advisors to help you VERY few places on the globe call to mind such every step of the way a vivid array of images, ideals and stereotypes as - Drink in moderation (LOL) does Paris. Ever since the late nineteenth century, - Join the Student Union! the so-called City of Light has been associated And then when you think it’s all over, they’ll with glamour, romance, mystery, and beauty. It point you in different directions to even funner has also, in more recent decades, become closely orientations like the ‘Library Tour’ and the ‘Essay linked in outsiders’ perceptions with notions of Writing Tips Seminar’.

French hostility and inhospitality: the famous Follow these tips, and you are sure to have the Parisian contempt for tourists and foreigners. best o-week ever!

You’re welcome.

For the next three years you’re going to be too hung over to actually take pride in your appearance, so try and pack your oweek with good-looking days.

Both stereotypes are a lot closer to the truth than you might expect. But as you might also expect, there’s a great deal more to Paris than this – indeed, it’s one of the most varied and exciting cities in Europe, if not in the world.

In central, historic Paris, surrounded by an old and beautiful cityscape, it is possible to relax in a way that you can rarely relax in London, Berlin or Rome. Walking by the Seine river, admiring vintage clothes or drawings at street stalls, or sitting in one of many quaint little street-corner cafes, it’s easy to feel peaceful. This sense of peace is all the more remarkable when you consider what a hectic and difficult time you can so often have with the practicalities of life in this city. The public transport is confusing and unreliable, the food and drink are hideously expensive, and the Citizens of Light, if you will, can be far from enlightened when it comes to helping out their city’s visitors. And whatever you do, don’t attempt to do Paris by car. Parisian traffic is among the most notoriously chaotic and unsafe on the continent.

So allow yourself plenty of time, whatever you’re planning, and be prepared to be patient. If you can bear the occasional pain, Paris will offer you rich rewards.

Paris probably houses more of the world’s great buildings, artworks and monuments than any other city outside Italy, and they nearly all live up to their reputations. No other cathedral in Europe has quite the elegance or the delicacy of the exquisite, white-stoned Notre Dame. Moving from the graceful to the spectacular, the Eiffel Tower is a jaw-dropping mass of towering iron

that has to be seen up-close to be truly appreciated. Make sure you go back to it at night, when it is lit up with golden lights and looks like the citadel of the great wizard from some kind of epic fantasy novel. And for something off the beaten track, descend to the catacombs and explore tunnels lined from floor to ceiling with grinning human skulls.

There are more art galleries than you could visit in a week, ranging from the mighty, labyrinthine Louvre, with its exhaustive (and exhausting) collection of old French treasures, to the vast collection of modern and contemporary pieces in the Pompidou. This latter is more likely to bore and baffle you than to entertain you – indeed, probably the best thing about the place is the building itself, a fascinating “inside-out” design that colourfully places the plumbing, heating and so forth on the exterior of the building. A good middle ground in art galleries is the Musée d’Orsay, which is dedicated to the Impressionists, Van Gough and other stars of the city’s artistic golden age. Smaller and easier than the Louvre and housing an arguably more interesting and relevant selection of artworks, this is the place to visit if you don’t want to spend more than an hour or two of your trip looking at paintings.

The true joy of Paris, however, lies not in any particular site or famous landmark, but in the experience of simply passing your days and, more importantly, your nights in this often gorgeous city. Paris can be unfriendly, but it can also be every bit as seductive and exotic as films and poetry suggest. If you’re going to Europe at all, do not

HIPSTERS. Urban Dictionary describes them as a “subculture…[that] value[s] independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence and witty banter”. The eight-hundred and eleven word entry goes on to give a comprehensive account of hipster fashion, attitudes and lifestyles. WikiHow’s article ‘How to Be a Hipster’ (in 22 steps with pictures) gives further instructions from hipster hairstyles to even being in the right age group. Hipsters are the fixie-riding, paisley-wearing trendies hanging about Lonsdale Street and Smith’s Alternative Bookshop steadily increasing in number. There is no doubt ‘hipsterism’ is catching on, but its rise could spell the end of the ‘genuine’ hipster. Hipsters, mainstream? A generation Y subculture that prides itself on the alternative, considered mainstream?

It must be ironic. Or is it?I recall a conversation I overheard between a few brogue-wearing twenty-somethings. After discussing the half-shaven hairstyle of a girl sitting across from them, one of the group remarked, “I hate how there are so many hipsters now.” Indeed, the majority of under-thirties in Union Court were clad in hipster attire. Following all the steps outlined in the hipster style section of wikiHow’s article, I wondered if they all bought vinyl records, watched art house films, and had leftist political and cultural views too. Without the accompanying hipster lifestyle, one cannot be considered to be genuinely hipster.

But on the surface, who can tell the real hipsters from the fashionistas? The lines between hipster and trendy are blurred to the extent that Supre started selling button-ups and vintage floral print skirts. (“If it’s from Supre, it’s not hipster” was my friend’s comment). When the one-stop-shop for sixteen-year-old girls sells hipster clothing, the trend can only be mainstream.

So what does mainstream ‘hipsterism’ mean for the genuine ‘I-was-a-hipster-before-it-wascool’ hipster’? Will hipsters die out as the Dadaists did after society accepted them? Hipsters may well create a new name and identity to differentiate themselves from the masses and the tendency to deny one’s ‘hipsterism’ is growing as the trend gains popularity. For example, just look at the‘I hate hipster’ t-shirts; they’re exclusively worn by hipsters that, ironically, contradict the fact that the rest of their outfit says otherwise and might well have been sourced from wikiHow. Perhaps the hipster will die out from obscurity or thrive - somewhat ironically - in greater numbers? Or perhaps the op-shops in Canberra will eventually run dry, ending the original fashion trend. The fate of the hipster is yet to be seen, but whether it is dying out or gaining followers we can thank the hipster for creating a fashion that was at least cooler than the bum-short and singlet summer trend. We may even be able to congratulate the hipster on making us more cultured if the hipster lifestyle enters the mainstream as well.

Cheers, hipsters! I’ll drink an extra hot, double shot soy latte with a dash of cinnamon to that.

LIFE & STYLE// 26 PICO PAL

Six months as a social pariah

LAST year, I came as close as you can to burying yourself underground without, you know, doing the deed. I deactivated my Facebook account.

I was the girl who agonised over the number of likes a status received, who worried that she didn’t have enough “friends” on Facebook, who scrupulously untagged unflattering photos, who felt an inflated sense of self-worth when two or more people liked her (numerous) witty comments. If you’ve ever shared a similar thought, this Timeline is for you.

Ground Zero While reading about my friend’s cold cup of coffee in my Facebook newsfeed, a life–changing thought enters head. I could be doing so many more interesting things with my life. Should trial living six months without Facebook. Am astounded at own brilliance.

Post status announcing the six months challenge.

Receive some support, but mostly outrage and shock. I deactivate, even though Facebook throws up a list of my friends’ photos and tells me how will change that. So yeah, go ahead and have sex. much they will miss me. Surprised by Facebook’s Tonight. Use protection though. Accidental preg- insight into my friends’ psyches.

29th May, 2012 nancy is a turn off.

Show him you are interested with your “body Wake up in the morning. Gaping emptiness language.” Flutter your eyelashes. Twirl your inside. Not knowing what is happening in my hair. Smile. Touch him on the arm. Giggle. Bang friends’ lives makes me feel like I am falling into a your knees against his. Repeat. Do none of these canyon of loneliness and gloom. Throughout the things too obviously or frequently lest you look day, keep going to open Facebook every five to ten minutes. Shocked by the extent of my addiction. desperate.

Let him kiss you. Even kiss him yourself. This 30th May shows you are confident and interested. Make Revert to using Tumblr instead. The blue backsure it is a short kiss. But also get lost in this kiss. ground is makes me feel like I’m still wrapped in Use your tongue. Though not a lot. Actually don’t the comfort blanket of Facebook. I lust over phouse your tongue at all. A kiss on the cheek will tos of good-looking Italian men on cobblestone suffice thank you very much. Actually, definitely streets. Not the same as gazing at photos of my friends at a 1920s murder mystery party, while don’t kiss him. Ew.

How to go on a first date according to the Internet STILETTOS AND A SOAP BOX

SAM BRADLEY

WEAR makeup so it’s obvious you made an effort. However, don’t wear too much as this is tacky. Go easy on the fake tan. Look natural. But not too natural. Body hair should be 100% removed. However, try keep approximately 23% of your eyebrows.

Wear a pretty dress. Boys like pretty dresses.

Though be careful it isn’t too short. Or tight. Don’t wear leopard print because he might have a childhood fear of large cats. Actually, wear jeans so you look casual and easy going. But with a nice blouse. Or a football jersey. Though only if it’s the right team. Don’t wear a push up bra. That’s “false advertising.”

Wear hoop earrings. Though be careful that they’re not too big as this is “slutty.” The horror.

Don’t wear any chunky jewellery. And don’t wear

too many bracelets. These are all “man-repellent.” Especially don’t wear any feathers because he might be scared of birds as well as cats and get freaked out. If you are going for a sexy hippy vibe the feathers are probably perfect though. Got it?

Wear flowery, girly perfume. This way you smell like a girl. As in, none of this gender neutral shit Calvin Klein you twats.

Righto? However, sometimes it is better to wear guy’s deodorant instead of girl’s or perfume.

Don’t wear heels. He needs to gauge your height. Actually, do wear heels. Everyone knows this makes your legs longer and your booty look dayyuumm fine. It also makes it harder for you to run away from him. Hot. Straighten your hair so he can imagine running his fingers through it. Make sure it’s shiny too.

All boys like shiny things.

Actually, lightly tousle it so you look like you just got out of bed. This way he will picture you in his bed. Woo. Be careful that it is still shiny though.

And that there are no knots. Fingers still need to be able to be run through this hair. Or put it in braids as this will subtly awaken his Oktoberfest Beermaid fantasies.

Don’t say anything too intelligent. Don’t say

anything too dumb either. Coolies?

Be mysterious. Always withhold 10%. Of what I am not sure…. Still, withhold it like a champ!

Though, also be 100% honest. Honesty is paramount.

Prove you are independent. Independence is sexy! However, be a tiny bit needy. He needs to feel needed. Offer to pay.

However, let him if he insists. Be flexible.

Guys like easy-going girls. Also be rigid.

Have boundaries.

Don’t be a pushover.

But be a little bit vulnerable. It’s cute.

Be confident! But not too confident.

Remember, assertive equals aggressive when you are a girl. He could think you are a “bitch.” Or “psycho.” Eeek.

Listen to him. Even if you think what he has to say is ridiculous. Or boring. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they’re about carrots and you’re silently all “THE FUCK? WHO MAKES JOKES ABOUT CARROTS?” Don’t have sex on the first date. That will ensure he will never consider you as a “serious candidate.”

Still, it doesn’t actually matter when you have sex with him because if he really likes you nothing

Let him kiss you. Even kiss him yourself. This shows you are confident and interested. Make sure it is a short kiss. But also get lost in this kiss. Use your tongue. Though not a lot.

Actually don’t use your tongue at all.

Don’t text him afterwards. This is his job. Guys like the chase. If you reverse the chase he will instantly find you repulsive. Really. It’s like, biological.

Fuck it, just text him. Guys like a girl confident enough to make her own moves. Take your love life into your own hands you modern woman you. If he doesn’t dig it then it’s a reflection of him, not you. Douchebag.

Actually, if he is interested he will definitely text you within the hour. Or three days later. Or not at all. If he still hasn’t texted you it means he thinks you are ugly. Or crazy. Or he is madly in love with you and just super shy. Or busy. Sometimes if he texts you straight away it means he hates you but still wants to sleep with you.

Confused? Me too. Thanks a lot Google. You jerk.

CHLOE SEVIL.

feeling uncool for staying in and watching The Vampire Diaries. Am adjusting.

1 June Hitting the exam period, am able to study for entire hours at a time without getting distracted or using the internet as a reward. Gloat inwardly at rocketing productivity levels.

30 July Receive call from friend I thought was in Mexico, asking if I’m going to a party in Sydney next week. Was not invited. Get horror flash backs to Year Seven when I was the only one in the group not invited to see Spider-Man. Agonise for two hours, then send text to party-thrower asking if I’m welcome. The reply? “Sorry, forgot about you!

You’re still invited!” Relief. Can stop reliving Year Seven.

1st August My house throws a London Olympics party. I hoard a stash of candid shots, refusing to let any one else post them online. Receive only-half ironic hate from friends. What is the point of having a party if we can’t pump out new material for our internet projections? Will people even care about our party by the time I post photos on the Day of my Glorious Return to Facebook?

7th October Several people have said to me, “Saw pictures of you at Gentleman of the Road on Facebook”.

Always followed by awkward silence. Perhaps have stunned people with the glamour of festivalcamping life style: unwashed hair, sweaty clothes, and generally rowdy behaviour. Worry for a little while about what the photos look like, then realise have bigger fish to fry.

Six Months Expires, 29th November 2012 8am Excitement has been mounting for a week and have finally logged in. Facebook has changed so much. Using it is like trying to speak a language I

LIFE & STYLE// 27

was once fluent in. Post a comment to this effect on housemate’s status. Receive instant like. Wave of relief. Am significant still. Begin day feeling wise and profound.

10am Waste some time looking at photos of a girl, who I never spoke to at school, in Fiji. Feel jealous of her perfect bikini body. Decide to go to Fiji.

10pm Stalk some people I haven’t seen in six months.

Guilt stabs my stomach when I notice people on my friends list and realise that in six months, I have forgotten to think about them. Does this make me a bad person?

30th December 9am Finally “friend” my thirteen year old brother on Facebook, which triggers a lot of cooing from my friends. Having my every action exposed online is making me feel like a snail stripped of its shell and pinned under a magnifying glass. Am seriously disturbed by this thought, not in the least because am comparing self to a snail.

11pm Sinking realisation that I have regressed.

1 December Permanent Deactivation.

Perhaps I’m a crusty old Luddite, but I enjoy the freedom of living my life without cataloguing it online, and knowing every detail of the lives of the people who surround me. Instead of being glued to a newsfeed, I read books. I can book tickets at the theatre without knowing that four other people I know are going on the same night.

I can peruse the internet without a site telling me that seven of my friends have already been there.

Does life without Facebook makes me a social pariah? Yes. And I like it.

A Penny for your Thoughts?

HAS anyone been to the US recently? If you have, a few things might have struck you.

The biggest thing would probably be how ridiculously cheap it is to get over to the US and to travel around, relative to around a decade ago.

I want to take a look at something a little closer – the US penny, to be exact. On your travels, you would have noticed these tiny blighters clogging up your wallet space with seemingly no way to get rid of them. Fancy paying for $US20 worth of goods with pennies? That’ll be 2000 pennies weighing a total of 907 kilograms.

Ridiculous.

Going back to when men still grew serious beards, pennies still had a use. They could actually purchase goods – for example, a packet of Hershey’s chocolate. Also, you need a small unit of currency so that you don’t overpay. Take purchasing a coffee – if the smallest unit of currency was a $US5 note, you’d overpay by around $US2.

That’s why smaller units of currency exist.

So, do pennies still have a use? NO! Inflation has made the penny almost worthless. Absurdly, the US mint still manufactures pennies even though they cost 1.08 cents to produce! The mint pays more for their production than the penny is worth in circulation! Adding to this – you can’t

get rid of them! Vending machines, Laundromats won’t accept them. Additionally, the US doesn’t include sales tax in displayed prices (unlike more enlightened countries) so unless you can multiply by 8.875% in your head, you’re going to spend precious minutes fiddling around with tiny bits of metal, wasting your time and the increasingly irritated customers behind you in the queue.

Pennies are a deadweight loss on every cash transaction in the economy and need to go the same way as the 1 cent coin in Australia, the UK and Canada. We got rid of them and besides a few fans of the feathertail glider, no one cried.

WET WITH WORONI

Fists of Fury

RONNIE BURNS

WHEN you think of fisting, what should come to mind is the image of a man with Popeye forearms elbow-deep in a woman’s vagina. At least, that’s what I imagined for a long time, until my boyish curiosity got the better of me one night and I decided it would be a funny thing to try.

Flashback to high school sex education, and remember being taught that a vagina is quite elastic, able to accommodate the eviction of an infant.

So, my reasoning went, surely fisting isn’t just some confected pornography, because if a baby can come out, an entire hand can go in.

So one night, after many drinks, I settled in for a night of coitus with a young lady, and my experiment began. My reasoning went very much like the story about the Camel’s Nose In The Tent.

By process of gradualism, I would fit my hand in there.

So, I began by introducing a digit, as is the style.

Many will know (sorry, Engineering students, you can exit here) that after a minute or so, a second digit is easy to insert. What we’re talking about now is some stock-standard finger banging, but, if you follow my reasoning, it then becomes easy to insert a third finger.

Three fingers becomes a tight fit, but, marvel with me in the beauty of the human body, and believe me when I say that a fourth finger found accommodation soon after. Slip the thumb in with its mates and you soon have what is technically a fist up there.

I’m sorry to say that actually making a fist is difficult, and painful I can imagine. Regardless, the right way (I asked around) is to make one’s hand into the shape of a duck’s bill, and voila, you’re fisting like a pornstar.

The experience is something I would not do again, because it’s frankly boring, since once my curiosity was satiated, it was no more fun. It’s also something that you ought to signpost well in advance to your consenting partner, because even the name of the act itself invokes violent connotations in the mind.

For fans of Internet depravity, the existence of Goatse and 1Guy1Jar should lead you down a path of reasoning that suggests that this act is quite possible on the back bottom, and if you’ve tried, I’m sure Woroni would love for you to send some date-stamped pictures or a home movie through.

COMMENT// 28

COMMENT//29

Faith

You are a fish. You have gills, scales, a tail. You’ve always been a fish. It’s not as though you woke up last Thursday, and instead of taking the 55 bus to work you took a dive into the bowl beside the bed, and decided to stay there. You’ve always lived in that bowl. You know that bowl well: there’s the plastic figurine of Al Gore, next to the palm tree, next to the filter, next to the glass. You don’t know who Al Gore is, but you like to swim around him sometimes when you think he isn’t looking. You like the cut of his suit, the sight of his palm frozen mid-handshake. You don’t know what a handshake is, but you’ve always thought this gesture comforting: hello, thank you, my condolescences. Hello, I am Al Gore, thank you for not shitting on me after feeding time, my condolences on your unfortunate situation. You don’t know that you will live and die in this bowl. There are times when you press your head against the glass, and wiggle your tail, thinking if I wiggle my tail and press my head hard enough I can torpedo on out of here. These thoughts are usually followed by niggling doubts what if I’m not a torpedo? or I have the feeling I’ve tried to do this before. You have tried to do this before. Many times. But it’s three seconds later, and there is that glass again, next to Al Gore, next to the palm tree, next to the filter. You are a fish.

- Yasmine Drake

Poems

On being a sixth year I’m in sixth year now.

Will I procrastinate less?

Probably not, hey.

-Dunja Cvjetićanin

Unlearning The mind learns truth in retrograde, Time whittles and conditions as your dreamtime fades, And though I know now of changing states, I am still a shadow.

But not for much longer will I hum, For a stronger fool I WILL become, I’ll crawl backward inside my mum T’ward the womb, the primal tomb I’ll lick at my wounds ‘til the loom’s re-wound, Un-knitted, un-fitted, I’ll arch my back and riot silent Relearning ‘til my natural order’s found.

-JD

Name.........................................

Year ...........................................

Colour-ian Competition Tear out this bad boy and get your creative juices flowing all over it for your chance to win a date with a Woroni editor. Competition is until the end of O Week – hand in completed artwork at Woroni Radio tent in Union Court or come down to colour in at our stall, open all week 10am-6pm.

REVIEWED// 30

Tarantino’s Sentimental South WATCH // MOVIE Django Unchained Quentin Tarantino 2012 MICHAEL QUINCEY O’NEILL WHEN Quentin Tarantino called his new movie, Django Unchained, a ‘Southern’, it was more than just a glib remark. That’s because the Western is one of those film genres where location is so central that it contaminates everything it touches.

Every great director who has mastered the Western has used images to build their own worlds: John Ford’s Monument Valley is a vast red desert, bereft of any civilisation or morality but that which the hero imposes upon the land; the sleepy hamlets of Sergei Leone’s spaghetti Westerns always explode into hellish labyrinths, a gunman hiding behind every window, leaping from every door; and Howard Hawk’s cattle drive across the American South is a hostile, savage journey that inexorably leads onwards to a slow-burning madness and self-annihilation. But Tarantino’s location, the visualisation of his thoughts and ideas, is the South on the cusp of the Civil War, a land where civilisation has flourished, and the sons of the first pioneers have become both aristocratic and prosperous.

It’s not a place for the malevolent black and white morality of a Clint Eastwood, or the sombre stoicism of a John Wayne. The moral quandaries of this land can’t be solved by a kind word or a bullet to the brain. Unlike the West, in the South there is no freedom to breath, to think, the chains the slaves are forced to wear just the most outwards signs of the civilisation that ensnares everyone (yes, including the white people). 21st century audiences will probably jeer when Leonardo DiCaprio’s unctuous, psychopath Monsieur Candie smashes apart a former slave’s skull to prove via the ‘science’ of phrenology, why the people he keeps in destitute enslavement don’t rise up and kill him. We all know phrenology is

mumbo jumbo so we gladly dismiss his assertions but we forget the original question, if phrenology is just quackery, then why don’t they rise up and tear apart Monsieur Candie?

Django Unchained is definitely Tarantino’s most sentimental movie. For a director who is adored by many for films which come heavy with the bmovie references but little to nothing about life, Django Unchained seems in comparison almost weirdly poignant in its politics and emotional severity. In this movie Tarantino’s characters aren’t all quirky two-dimensional cut outs with snappy dialogue, some of them are well-rounded figures albeit with the same snappy dialogue. Jamie Foxx as Django does an impressive turn from diffident slave to sanguine bounty hunter, but Christopher Waltz’s performance as Django’s liberator and teacher is too mannered to be a proper conduit for the emotional gravitas the role requires. You get that feeling that inevitably happens every time you watch an actor in a post-Pulp Fiction Tarantino film, the internal thought ringing so clearly across their faces every time they mug for the camera and say another catchy quip: “I’m in a Tarantino movie, this is so cool!”

But to be fair Tarantino is cool, a coolness that is all a matter of style, not substance. Or so I thought until I watched Django Unchained. It’s not that Tarantino has changed tack, far from it. Old fans will delight in the humorous, detached way he depicts his violence, the long scenes with nothing much going on even as the dialogue ricochets off the walls. But if Inglourious Basterds offered a glimmer of darker themes more poignant than the subtext of Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’, Django Unchained is a nightmarish odyssey into the more macabre recesses of American history. You could almost say Tarantino has grown up, but then he ruins it with an exultant cameo of himself as an exploding Aussie slave trader and you can feel the relief ripple across the audience. Tarantino may have grown wiser but he hasn’t forgotten the cardinal rule of all those spaghetti westerns and blaxploitation films: that the movies should be fun.

REVIEWED// 31

For Every Cloud WATCH // MOVIE The Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell 2012 ELISE HORSPOOL THE Silver Linings Playbook, directed by David O. Russell, is an eclectic romantic comedy. The film largely depicts a man coming to terms with a bipolar disorder and the events stemming from it, with the help of a woman who is coming to terms with her own problems. The film is both serious and funny at the right times and reflects an almost average American family. The buzz around Silver Linings Playbook is well deserved, with brilliant performances from all members of the cast. The film has elements of indie nuances that have favoured it among the critics, alongside the stereotypical romantic comedy genre must-haves.

True to its name, the film has an optimistic tone emphasising reinvigoration to live life anew. Set in suburban Philadelphia, Bradley Cooper plays Pat Solitano, a thirty-odd year old man whose mother Dolores (Australian Jacki Weaver) picks him up from a mental health facility at the beginning of the film. We soon learn that Pat’s disorder led to an unfortunate event with his wife Nikki.

She becomes his motivation to reinvent himself and ‘get better’. He becomes so focused on her that he forgets to look out for other opportunities that present themselves.

Cooper is fantastic, he experiments with different facets of the disorder. He’s as blunt as a small child with no filter and is gratingly annoying sometimes but in an endearing way. He has the body language, facial expression and tone down so well that what we deem as a social disorder is now seen as a unique personality.

The first half of the film is chaotic, cut and change sequences, stilted dialogue and a cacophony of shouting and loud rock music as Pat has

episodes of anger. Robert de Niro plays his father and provides much welcomed comic relief in true de Niro style as an unemployed football bookie.

He believes that Pat is his good luck charm and should be present at every Philadelphia Eagles game so they can win. We soon learn that it is also an underhanded way for him to spend time with Skyfall his son.

Soon enough, darkly eye lined brunette Jennifer Lawrence is introduced as the equally strange Tiffany; who becomes Pat’s only way to reconcile with his wife. Tiffany also has serious problems and they become friends (with a capital ‘F’) in hope of helping each other. Tiffany agrees to help WATCH // MOVIE Pat, but only if he gives her something in return. 2012 Summer Wrap Up Lawrence starkly plays the mysterious Tiffany with a sharpness and oomph that leaves an impact. She and Pat’s bizarre interactions have an ELISE HORSPOOL eccentric chemistry to them that is emphasised ROBERT SELTH by the intimate dance scenes and witty dialogue. IT’S a fundamental problem with the format of The film can seem a little chaotic, dry and rath-the student newspaper, at least from the reviewer alternative, but it begins to pick up with the in-er’s perspective, that the season when we’re not troduction of Tiffany. From there, it’s like a snow-publishing anything is precisely the season when ball rolling down a hill, its gets bigger and betterall the really big stuff shows up in the stores or in as it goes. Every woman (or man) in the cinemathe cinemas. To get around this roadblock just a will swoon at the finale in true romantic comedylittle, we’re running a few retrospectives this edistyle. The soundtrack is pretty amazing as well,tion on the major releases of the summer. Daniel and worth listening out for. The supporting castRose is covering video games while this column are great; Chris Tucker as Pat’s friend from thetakes a look back on some of the blockbuster mental health facility, Anupam Kher as Pat’s ther-films of this holiday season. apist and John Ortiz as Pat’s unhappily married Four films dominated the period when we friend Ronnie. But Cooper, Lawrence and de Niroweren’t in print, all of them among the most anare definitely the focal points. ticipated films of the year: Skyfall, The Hobbit: The Silver Linings Playbook is an atypical ro-An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables and Life mantic comedy in so many ways. The unconven-of Pi. All four have been major commercial suctional characters allow the audience to reflect oncesses; two were also critical successes and are our own society and the lives of those who sufferalready reaping rewards in the award season. mental illnesses. It also shows the audience that Oddly, Woroni thinks the other two were probwe are all not that different from one another ably better films. with a clever sort of twist near the end. By mak- Life of Pi is visually gorgeous, yes, and all due ing us question what we see and accept as ‘social credit to veteran director Ang Lee for bringing disorders’ and normalcy, or just unique person- those images to life. But the film not only fell far alities that make life interesting.

EMILIA SCHWALB THE London: Burger and Beers makes great burgers. As it should, being the named service.

Inexpensive and delicious the burgers really are fabulous. Unfortunately the rest of the experience fails miserably. The décor is Louis XIV on crack and the music is pumping top 40 from 3 years ago. The seating is uncomfortable with the high top tables never actually being able to fit the food and your drinks at once. They have colossal television screens everywhere with semi-pornographic music videos playing, just in case the wall paper wasn’t distracting enough to really put you off your dinner.

But the worst part about The London is the clientele. The London is full of fat tradies with tattoos taking their belly baring, faux blonde roots showing, girlfriends. These girls never actually eat, they just do their best to not look too bored by the fact that there is no conversation with their

Les Misérables

Life of Pi

The Summer in Movies

London Bugger EAT // BURGER BAR The London: Burger and Beers 121 London Circuit

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

short of the emotional punch delivered by Yann Martel’s novel, it also sadly dumbed down that source material, so that the story became less nuanced and less remarkable. Suraj Sharma did a good job as Pi, but he was working with a screenplay that robbed the character of much of his intelligence and dignity. The film also made the whole thing a lot less morally challenging by choosing not to dramatise the alternative version of events that concludes the story. Ang Lee is the last director you would expect to “Hollywood-ise” a subtle and mature narrative, but that, to some extent, is exactly what he has done.

The big-screen version of what might be the Western world’s best loved musical, Les Misérables, was similarly problematic. Les Mis is a massive, operatic drama, and relies on its audience’s willingness to embrace it in all its sheer, heart-on-sleeve, all-guns-blazing grandeur. That’s fine, but it means that if you’re not completely swept off your feet, then it’s easy to feel dissatisfied. It’s an all-or-nothing kind of show. And this

film, unfortunately, felt just that little bit laboured and clumsy, so it failed to win many people over.

Most of the actors chose to sing with passion and commitment rather than to sing skillfully (not being talented enough to do both), and while that was probably the right decision, there were moments when voices grated. See it on stage if you can – it’s usually better there.

Initial reviews for The Hobbit were rather scathing of Peter Jackson’s technical wizardry and unnecessary padding. But after seeing it both in 3D, 48 frames per second and normal 2D, 24 frames, we think there was definitely more to it than just the aesthetics.

The focal point of the film was undeniably Martin Freeman’s jerky, non-plussed characterisation of a younger Bilbo Baggins. He brought a great heart to the film playing a very reluctant hero amongst an ensemble cast that rivalled the one from its predecessor, the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Behind all the colourful eye candy and soaring panoramas,

Has there ever been a Bond film like Skyfall? As action movies go, this one was pretty much perfect - more thoughtful and more nuanced than anything in the franchise before it.

the return of Elrond (Hugo Weaving), Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), Gandalf (Ian McKellen) and Gollum (Andy Serkis) were much welcomed. Notable newcomers James Nesbitt as Bofur, Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield and Sylvester Mcoy as Radagast the Brown are also worth mentioning. Armitage brought his usual steadfastly solemn heroism and Nesbitt the Irish candor we love him for. The Hobbit was been contentious for many reasons, but true Tolkien and Jackson fans thoroughly enjoyed it, technical wizardry and unnecessary padding or not.

Finally, looking all the way back to November, has there ever been a Bond film like Skyfall? As action movies go, this one was pretty much perfect. More thoughtful and more nuanced than anything in the franchise before it, this film showed us Bond’s roots, made us think seriously about the nature of his work and his position in British intelligence, and even dealt with the question of the changing role of secret services in the 21st century. It delivered thrilling action and lovely, engrossing character scenes in a finely paced balance. It found the ideal middle ground between the gritty modernity of Casino Royale and the carefree fun of most of what came before. It featured Scotland. This list could go on.

So in the end, we preferred the blockbusters to the art-house this year. Let’s hope the coming months will bring plenty more for us to enjoy.

The Impossible-Impossibly True

fat boyfriends, due to the fact that these delightWATCH // MOVIE ful men are distracted by Britney Spears’ gyrating The Impossible ass on the television in front of them. The other Juan Antonio Bayona patrons whom you can expect to be frequenting 2012 The London are the footy club boys starting their night out, lining their stomachs with as many carbohydrates as possible before heading down ELISE HORSPOOL the street to Shooters. If you’re lucky enough you BASED on the true story of a Spanish family durmay even have the delightful experience of seeing the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami, The Impossible ing one such ‘footy boy’ take on the London Chalhits deeply and profoundly long after watching lenge, in which one tries to stuff oneself full of as it. Re-opening the tsunami dialogue for both vicmuch beer and food as possible before rolling tims and viewers, director Juan Antonio Bayona out the door. It’s actually quite a spectacle. Food has skilfully captured the torrent of emotions and everywhere, beer dripping down chins, burping, events of the tsunami and the aftermath, but he farting, mouths open – an experience not to be fell a little short near the finale. missed.

Unlike most of its peers in the disaster movie So in conclusion, The London: Burger and category, The Impossible tries not to be an overBeers does burgers well. But to be honest, you redone Hollywood blockbuster that glamorises and ally don’t want to go there unless you’ve screwed romanticises natural disasters. Bayona goes for an someone else and are feeling guilty, so you take unorthodox approach of splitting the narrative in the boy to somewhere they’ll enjoy to make yourhalf. It focuses purely on the perspective of one self feel better. I say, lose the boy and the burgers family caught in the middle, like so many hunand go somewhere you won’t be confronted with dreds of thousands were. As most of the audience beer bellied grossness eating with their mouths are aware of what happened, the film doesn’t try open as you walk in the front door. to go for shock value; but somehow we’re still on our toes waiting for the expected.

Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts played Henry and Maria Bennet, who have hard to come by, authentic onscreen chemistry as the loving parents to three boys. Both moderately veteran actors are in their element; the film works with a very small cast. McGregor plays a grief stricken yet determined husband and father. Watts undeniably deserves her Oscar nomination, with flinchingly painful scenes of a mother who protects her child but also does what is right under extenuating circumstances.

The two younger sons are played wonderfully by mostly unknown child actors (Samuel Joslin and Oaklee Pendergast), but the highlight of the film is Tom Holland who plays the oldest, Lucas. A typical moody teenager at the beginning, he blossoms into the strength of the film. Holland is no doubt the star: he captures the determination and generosity of a boy caught in the frightening whirlwind of the

aftermath. He and Watts shared a rare motherand-son chemistry that is depicted through their desperate struggle to stay together in the churning water. This would largely be due to the fact that Holland and Watts spent five weeks in a huge water tank filming the scenes in Spain.

For the most part, The Impossible stays away from the clichéd overly scripted movie scenes that we have come to expect from a generic blockbuster.

But unfortunately the last quarter of the film falls victim to a few of these scenes, which are slightly disappointing. It certainly detracts from the artful nuances of the film; the climax is far too coincidental and a clichéd dream sequence is slipped in without aplomb. The sound effects and score are both strengths and weaknesses. The sound effects have a clarity and accuracy that made your ears pop. The sounds of

As most of the audience are aware of what happened, the film doesn’t try to go for shock value; but somehow we’re still on our toes waiting for the expected.

a tsunami approaching are terrifying, even whilst safely sitting in a seat in the cinema. However, the score was a mish-mash of climactic sweeping strings and inappropriate Psycho-like screeching.

Although fragile, the genuine strength behind the film is that of the human spirit. Through intimate little scenes, we saw the community that arose from the aftermath of the tsunami. Through grief and hardship both the tourists and the residents of Thailand will forever be intermingled.

The grittiness of Thailand’s hospitals and facilities are contrasted with the humble altruistic assistance by the Thai people who have lost everything but still help the Western tourists. We rarely see the true devastation of the Thai people.

Although some of the sequences were deterring, The Impossible is a rare gem in its genre.

Not only has it depicted a traumatising modern event, the accuracy of the story hits home for all.

Bayona actualises the credibility on our screens with clever use of real water scenes and a highly distinct and deeply effecting sound effects track.

Watts, McGregor and Holland bring it to life, not as narrative of another natural disaster but of the strength of the human spirit against all odds.

SPORT// 32

Triple J Hottest 100

The Summer in Games

BEN LATHAM

THE Triple J Hottest 100 is a true blue tradition of any Australia Day, right up there with snags, VB and scorching pink tan-lines. It’s the soundtrack to Australia’s most patriotic day; most Aussies have no idea what happened on January 26 way back when but for a day of golden hits to reminisce the year of music that was, we flip to 101.5 like it’s second nature.

This year’s countdown featured 78 artists, making it the second most diverse Hottest 100 in Triple J’s history. It was also a year of debutants, with the four highest charting artists appearing in the chart for the first time. This includes Syd-

Keep posted for Triple J’s Hottest 1000 later on in the year if the station’s ratings begin to fall.

ney producer Flume (the chosen one) who appeared in the countdown the highest number of times with four tracks making the cut. Also for the first time in the history of Hottest 100, two songs - ‘Brother’ and ‘Lonely Boy’ - appeared in consecutive countdowns, after being covered for Like A Version after their original release.

Controversially, ‘Warmest 100’ was released online just days before the Triple J’s official countdown. Using data sourced from social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, it – amazingly - successfully predicted 92 of the songs featured in Triple J’s countdown, including all of the top ten tracks and the top three songs in its correct order.

Triple J has tried to squeeze every last drop out of its star program, getting as much radio airplay as possible by playing the Hottest 200 the following Sunday. Keep posted for Triple J’s Hottest 1000 later on in the year if the station’s ratings begin to fall.

REVIEWED// 33

PLAY // GAMING 2012 Summer Wrap Up DAN ROSE IN fifty years’ time, children will ask their grandparents, “Where were you in the summer of 2012?”. For many, the response will unfortunately reference Assassin’s Creed 3, a title which, although necessary to complete the bizarre mystical story arc, was let down by uninnovative design, an “I-justnecked-a-bottle-ofRobitussin”-long never describe in words. One modern critic said prologue, and a script that War and Peace encompasses every aspect that makes me wonof humanity and, while I don’t think I’d go that der if they just picked far, I would challenge anyone to read it and fail characters and twists to see something of their friends, their enemies, by throwing darts at their lovers or themselves in the characters. War a grid. For the money and Peace, like William Boyd’s Any Human Heart many keen gamers and Michael Kirby’s A Private Life, was a book I paid (and if you recouldn’t put down and which altered the way I member back to last thought about the world. year, I advised against On the suggestion of a couple of friends, I also purchasing the title), read Watchmen. I had never even looked at a they were right to graphic novel before but I was amazed and I expect better from stayed up until 5am just to finish it. I didn’t expect Ubisoft’s flagship release of 2012. it to deal with such profoundly difficult issues or We move, then, to Dishonoured, Bethesda’s be so morally challenging. It presents numerous critically acclaimed game which despite being alternative moral codes and yet withholds judgenovel, open and interesting in some respects, felt ment, allowing the reader to make their own. I wholly unfinished. With the turds being served also found that it was a totally different experiup to the public in recent years, this is the best of ence from reading a book. Graphic novels are, a bad bunch. For Australian consumers, the $70 obviously, far more visual but I also found it more price tag was a bit too much to stomach for what visceral and there were a couple of plates that made me feel nauseous. Watchmen challenged a long-held prejudice against graphic novels and comics and I am glad that it did.

Reading is something I do to relax and wind down. It is an escape from everything else and, depending on the book, a good way of getting to sleep at the end of the day. If nothing else, it helps fight holiday boredom... and there are always more books out there worth reading.

Holiday Readings READ // BOOKS 2012 Summer Wrap Up

read like philosophical tracts, but some straight out of a history book that can be a little tedious.

I think, however, that the book is best read as a study of humanity written by an acute and em-

ELLEN TREVANION

AS my Facebook friends are probably aware, I did a lot of holiday reading to make up for the fact that - as an English, History and Law student - I read absolutely nothing during semester. I started reading and reviewing books and found myself getting through quite a few. Of what I read, I would recommend any or all of The Road, Foal’s Bread, Cloud Atlas, The Rook, The Hobbit, A Clockwork Orange, Pride and Prejudice, A Farewell to Arms, William Blake’s Selected Poems, Wuthering Heights and Crime and Punishment.

Cloud Atlas was a particular favourite as, quite apart from anything else, it’s interesting to see an author blatantly showing off such an extraordinary mastery of form and tone. I did read some more disappointing novels, however, and I’m afraid to say that Never Let Me Go, Life of Pi and The Call of the Wild all made it onto the skip list.

Many of the books I read were interesting, engaging, heart-breaking, funny, poignant, or all of the above. The books that are really worth reading, however, are the ones that change your perceptions, prejudices and maybe even the way you think about the world. Out of everything I read, there are only two that fall into that category. One of them, perhaps unsurprisingly, is Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. There are some passages that

One modern critic said that War and Peace encompasses every aspect of humanity and, while I don’t think I’d go that far, I would challenge anyone to read it and fail to see something of their friends, their enemies, their lovers or themselves in the characters. pathetic observer with an extraordinary ability to record it. As I went through, I was struck again and again by his ability to express feelings and impressions I have experienced but could

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you got: drab textures, clumsy combat and the weird feeling of déjà vu (Bioshock anyone?).

Next up is a title that has been in alpha development for some time: DayZ. This title is a mod for the hyper-realistic combat simulator ARMA 2, and is thus still quite buggy. It will be released as a standalone when it’s finished, but for now, this game is certainly worth playing. My pure hatred for the endless zombie titles recently gave way to elation when I began to play this game. Gameplay is hard, and it’s not for gamers who want a casual experience. Ten hours of gameplay can be ruined by a second of carelessness, or by simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. For those that want to invest in a game that is Paradox-level difficult, DayZ is worth jumping during the seemingly endless Steam sales on the ARMA titles.

For anyone who enjoyed SimCity 1-4000, the wait is almost over for the latest title. Fully 3D, curved roads and the style of play that wasted many weekends of my youth are just some features to get on your roof and howl naked about.

There’s multiplayer too, and if the ‘CitiesXL’ experience was anything to go by, it will be an excellent feature to add. I think I speak for all fans of the genre when I say that SimCity Societies never happened, and I’m willing to forgive Maxis if they can swing Woroni a preview copy of their new title.

My pure hatred for the endless zombie titles recently gave way to elation when I began to play DayZ. Gameplay is hard, and it’s not for gamers who want a casual experience.

Why We Make Lists APOLLO

ROBERT SELTH Welcome to Apollo, our review section’s new regular column. Named after the Greek god of the arts, this will be a space where we run comment and opinion on arts-related questions above and beyond our individual reviews. If you have an article for Apollo, please email reviews@woroni.com. au with your submission.

IT takes no particular insight to recognise that modern popular culture is addicted to lists. By now there can be barely a topic that hasn’t been subjected to a “top ten greatest” feature by some publication or another. In the arts, while this phenomenon is pressingly evident in the spheres of film and gaming, it is with music that it has become truly inescapable. This is partly because music fandom, even more so than movie or game fandom, is overwhelmingly centred on the internet, where most people’s attention spans are assumed to be minimal. It also helps that December and January are the music industry’s graveyard months, when almost nothing significant gets a release; and so there’s nothing to distract you from the annual ritual of “Best Songs” and “Best Albums” from any and every site that you care to visit. Film lists aren’t so much obsessed over, because they’re inevitably overshadowed by the Oscars. As for books, well, who nowadays has the time to read enough new books in a year that such a list could be meaningful?

Ultimately, of course, none of these lists are meaningful. It’s a hopeless exercise in quantifying the unquantifiable. But they can be relied upon as fun conversation material, and they also reveal a lot about our attitudes and tastes, and how these vary between social groups. Looking at various people’s best album picks for 2012, for example, we see that Rolling Stone lived up to its stereotype as the bastion of old-fashioned rock music, by honouring Springsteen’s Wrecking Ball. British magazine NME led the indie sector in

choosing Tame Impala’s Lonerism, which caters nicely to the typical alternative-leaning listener.

A sound majority of mainstream-ish papers and websites agreed on Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange, which is an album that offers rich rewards to pretty much anyone. And Pitchfork, the online capital of elitism, predictably decided to go far left of field and lionise Kendrick Lamar’s Good Kid, m.A.A.d City – exactly the kind of admirable but not very enjoyable record that a small minority can feel themselves superior for liking.

That is a small sample, within one art form, of the way in which different lists reflect differing values and perspectives on what exactly qualifies as great, original or important cultural produce.

When film critics make the traditional claim that Citizen Kane is the “greatest film ever made,” they are usually referring just as much to the influence it has had on subsequent filmmaking as to any inherent property of the film itself. Within this framework, greatness is effectively defined as being relative to the state of the art form at the moment of a given work’s appearance or publication. Citizen Kane was streets ahead of just about anything anybody had previously seen in 1941 – significantly more imaginative, more complex, and more entertaining. Thus it is remembered and recognised as a great film largely because the impact that it made on filmmaking was so massive. Of course, this does not change the fact that Citizen Kane is a genuinely awesome film (and if you have not seen it, you should get around to that). But we should recognise the irony that while we talk in the absolutist language of “greatest film ever made,” the criteria on which most of us base our selection of that greatest film are distinctly and explicitly relative.

Last year, the British Film Institute’s Sight and Sound magazine published the seventh edition of their extremely prestigious critics’ poll, which they run once every decade. For the first time since 1952, Citizen Kane was not the number one.

Its place was taken by Hitchcock’s Vertigo, which is an immensely interesting and finely designed work of art, but which most of his fans will tell you is not his most satisfying film. It’s the kind of film you can enjoy thinking about and puzzling over for days, but how many people can honestly say they would rather watch it than watch Rear Window or Psycho? Nonetheless it’s good to see that even what was seemingly the most fixed of critical fixations has been shaken from its pedestal. The discussions we can have about exactly why Vertigo might be preferable to Citizen Kane will enhance our appreciation and understanding of both films. And that, in the end, is easily the most worthwhile thing that our obsession with listmaking can bring us.

Interhall Arts Shield AIDAN GALLAGHER

Bienvenue from Your Students’ Association (ANUSA)

ALEKS SLADOJEVIC

DEAREST friends, welcome to the beginning of 2013.

My name is Aleks, el presidente of your ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA).

ANUSA has 38 elected student representatives that are here to advocate on your behalf, help you overcome the inevitable challenges of uni life, provide you with a range of useful services, and create opportunities for you to get the absolute most out of life at the ANU. For starters, it’s useful to know where we are located If you find Union Court, half your work is done. Look for the Commonwealth Bank (on the ground floor of the Concessions building), Bingo, you’ve found us. And truth be told, we’re always in need of company.

If you’re after information on absolutely anything (except perhaps relationship advice), then wander in and ask Eleanor, our administrator.

She’s one of the nicest people on campus and she’s always willing to help you out.

Our Student Assistance officer, Bronwyn, is a work of magic when it comes to handling queries about Centrelink, government payments, tax, employment, and healthcare cards. Financial difficulties are a common challenge for many of us during these studious years of our adult lives, but they’re not necessarily insurmountable. If you ever hit that moment when your account balance is less than the price of a red frog, then pay a trip to Bronwyn because she can help you apply for ANUSA food vouchers and emergency grants from our Financial Aid Fund.

Our Legal Officer is also available to provide you with advice on any legal matters you encounter. (Law students, this does not include helping you answer problem questions 10 minutes before your tutorial). Basically, if you experience any dif-

ficulties with migration, employment, tenancy, debt, academic, personal injury, intellectual property, and relationship-law matters, then make an appointment to see our Legal Officer and we’ll help get it sorted. Best of all, it’s free, so there’s no need to stress about coronary-inducing legal bills.

Money and legal matters aside, the next thing to think about is your personal wellbeing. As the (now politically correct) Cookie Monster might put it, Mi Goreng should probably be considered a “sometimes food”. ANUSA will be providing free breakfasts to all students, every day in the Brian Kenyon Student Space (on the ground floor of the Concessions Building, just a couple of doors down from Commonwealth Bank). We will also be holding free yoga classes in partnership with ANU Sport throughout term one. Keep an eye on our website and Facebook page for more details.

In the meantime, it’s time to get loose at Moose with all the First Years. O-Week is the biggest week of ANUSA’s calendar, and it’s organised so that you can have fun, meet new friends (or rekindle with the old) and unwind before the new semester well and truly begins. The highlight of the week is undoubtedly going to be the Secret Garden Party on Friday night, with The Presets (yes, The Presets!) bringing you their very finest tunes under the towering trees of University Avenue. Check out our website, http://anusa.com. au/events/o-week/, for the lowdown on all our OWeek events, and get in quick with tickets before they sell out!

Finally fellow ANU students, I have no doubt that 2013 is going to be a great year, and in the words of someone who is a frequent source of personal inspiration, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

THE ANU residences that participate in the Interhall Arts Shield are Bruce Hall, Burton and Garran Hall, Ursula Hall, John XXIII College, Burgmann College, Griffin Hall, Fenner Hall and Unilodge.

My focus as president for 2013 is on making the Interhall Arts Committee (IAC) a professional committee, running professional events. Events will run smoothly and punctually and be evenly spread throughout the year to ensure as many people can participate as possible. This will increase the quality of arts events and lessen the workload placed upon your Arts Representatives.

To achieve this, the by-laws and the tiers for each event will be reviewed. More professional judges will also be used at these events.

There are at least two Interhall Arts events per term, usually held at one of the Halls or Colleges.

IAC’s biggest event of the year is Big Night Out or “Band Night”. For those of you unfamiliar with this event, Big Night Out is in Term 2 and held at Bruce Hall. Each college creates a band, and then prepares 30 minutes of music to perform in front

of up to a thousand people! Other exciting events include trivia, chess, debating, an art show, a poetry slam, pool, talent night, public speaking, 40 hours of film, theatre sports and the choir night.

At the moment, points awarded for each event are based on a 3-tier system with Tier 3 events being worth the most points and Tier 1 events the least points. Each ANU residence receives a score between 1 and 8 based on their performance in each event. For Tier 3 events, the scores are multiplied by three. For example, the winning residence would receive 24 points and the residence in eighth place would receive 3 points in a Tier 3 event. At the end of the year, the Interhall Arts Shield is awarded to the college with the most points.

If you want to watch or participate in any events your first point of contact is the Arts Representatives from your residence. Our names can be found on the IAC website (www.interhallarts. anu.edu.au). Other information such as by-laws and a calendar will be put on the website soon.

You can also search for “IAC” on Facebook.

JULIE MELROSE

Postgrad Survival Tips from PARSA

RETURNING to University as a postgraduate student is exciting. But, it can be tough.

The ANU postgraduate community is diverse both in terms of fields of study, and in terms of nationality, culture, and language. This diversity is what makes ANU such an enriching and interesting place to study, work and live. PARSA – your SOPHIE SALMON Postgraduate and Research Students’ Association HEY Guys! into the team as the Sport Intern at Sport and Rec, (PARSA) is the organization that works to build ISO is the Interhall Sports Organisation that which allows us to work closely in conjunction and foster that community. regulates sports between the colleges here at the with ANU Sport to ensure a well rounded sport Before I get on to more about what PARSA does ANU. If you live on campus, or have joined Griffin environment for students. We are also introduc- – I want to share some lessons from my own jourHall, you should definitely be a part of the great ing athletics into the sports timetable and remov- ney at ANU, with the hope that there are some sports that ISO offers you. ing swimming. The athletics carnival will include lessons that other students can learn and apply to ISO is heaps of fun because it is a great oppor- track and field events and should be lots of fun their own time at the ANU. tunity to play sport and meet people from other for everyone involved! Also, this year soccer is Certain levels of stress can motivate action, but colleges - while bond with those in your college unpooled so there will be lots of games and that we all know that too much can be detrimental to will be really great. We are also introducing a new our physical and mental wellbeing. In my experias well.

This year we have some great sports lined up, finals system which means more games - and the ence, stress comes about when we think that the as corny as this sounds - there truly is something more games the better right?! demands of a situation are beyond our own capafor everyone.In term 1 we have hockey, volley We are also working closely with the Inward bility or resources. Stress can also eventuate from ball, and the all exciting IB!!In term 2 we’ve got ta- Bound committee to improve IB for all involved. ble tennis and basketball for guys and girls. Then Jack is working in conjunction with Ben Greenwood, who is leading the IB committee for 2013. we’ve got rugby for guys and softball for girls.

In term 3 we’ve got soccer for everyone which For anyone who doesn’t know what IB is, its an is unpooled this year so lots of games! Then AFL extreme running race where teams of 4 are for guys and Netball for girls. dropped in the middle of no-where, given an end In term 4 we’ve got cricket (boys) and tennis point and have to run there (the distance depends (girls) that run for 4 weeks each, then weekends on one of the 7 divisions - 1 running the furthest). of touch football, road relay and the ALL NEW Using navigation skills, team work and physical athletics carnival! stamina all the divisions run to end point where There are some really great things on run by there college mates are there to greet them! Its ISO this year and i urge as many of you as pos- great for everyone involved. IB this year will be sible to participate, meet some new people and on March 22-23rd. For rules, distances and genhave some fun. This, to ISO, is the whole point eral info I’d visit their awesome BRAND NEW of sport, and we aim to provide an atmosphere website! http://running.club.anu.edu.au/inwardwhere there is a mixture of good competition bound/ and fun. There are a few new things this year.

Ok, so thats ISO for 2013! Can’t wait to see you For starters ISO have welcomed Jack Birtwhistle all out there on the sports field!

Interhall Sports Shield

fear of failure, competitiveness, worries about social and personal life, family-related stress, dealing with new responsibilities like moving out of home and paying rent, starting a new course of study — or even for some of you, moving overseas and negotiating a new environment and culture.

Before coming to ANU, I completed my undergraduate studies at the University of Sydney followed by a year in the Caribbean working as a PADI Divemaster. Moving to Canberra, though only three hours from my hometown in Sydney, seemed a daunting task to say the least. I never thought I would cope living inland away from the ocean and my family, and I knew no one at all. My first few months in Canberra were very difficult.

I felt extremely confused and upset a lot of the time, with thoughts and questions going through my head, like: Why didn’t I stay overseas and just live a simple life underwater as a Dive instructor? How am I going to cope being away from those I love? Why

am I signing up to study 3 more years of law? Do I even want to be a lawyer? Have I made the right choice of course? Will I make friends? Will I be happy?

I had problems with share houses and rental properties, and experienced the difficulties that many students face with finding accommodation (FYI PARSA has an Accommodation Seeker Forum on Tuesday 12th.). I also went through a very traumatic relationship break-up, where I was unable to concentrate in class (and stopped going a lot of the time), and I felt unable to face my peers.

I knew this wasn’t the usual enthusiastic, thrilled-to-be-alive person that I usually was. This is when I made the decision to utilize the ANU. Instead of letting myself get deeper into a depression, I made the decision to focus on my physical and mental health, and this is how: I sorted out my physical health by visiting the ANU Health Service who have wonderfully friendly doctors [http://health.anu.edu.au/].

Next, the [free] ANU Counselling Service [http:// counselling.anu.edu.au/] helped me get my thoughts on the table. They even do group sessions if you don’t want to be alone. I learnt so much about coping with stress, and I also learnt that depression can take many forms and it is very common. They suggested that physical exercise really helps in getting through traumatic events.

SO – I joined the ANU Gym [http://anu-sport. com.au/]. I became a ‘gym junkie’ doing lots of classes from RPM to Body Pump and Body Balance. I found the ANU gym staff to be extremely professional, encouraging and non-judgmental, and exercising with others was so motivating that I lost 12 kilos and felt stronger and more confident than ever before. The ANU Gym staff have jumped on board with PARSA last year and this year in helping us deliver our program of free Julie Melrose is the PARSA President

SPORT// 36

SPORT// 37

The Marvellous Summer of Cricket

ON THE BALL

ZACH MACKEY

Mike Hussey: A True Aussie Legend ZACH MACKEY THE name Michael Hussey will be remembered for years to come as tales of his exploits and skills are repeated, remembered and retold. It was with a heavy heart that Australian cricket farewelled him from the international game this past summer, culminating in the third test against Sri Lanka in Sydney. It hasn’t always been clean sailing for Mr. Cricket though, only making his test debut at the ripe age of 30. His retirement is no surprise though when you think who Mike Hussey is. Coming into the test team late for a cricketer, he left on his own terms, at the absolute top of his game.

Mike Hussey made his first class debut for Western Australia in 1994, where his career total of 6471 runs ranks eighth in the list of that state’s run-makers in the Sheffield Shield. He then moved to England, where in July 2001 he scored an unbeaten 329 (a Northamptonshire club record). He later captained Northamptonshire. In August 2003 he surpassed his own record, when he scored 331 not out. A famous story about Hussey during this time was when he was playing for Australia A, former captain Allan Border jokingly suggested he get match practice by staying in the nets for a full six hours; to his astonishment, Hussey went on to do just that. This story doesn’t just reflect Hussey’s desire to break into the test side and perform at his best, it exemplifies the commitment and love he had for cricket.

Hussey made his Test debut at the Gabba in Brisbane on 3 November 2005, as a replacement for Justin Langer in a series against the West Indies. In the first innings Hussey managed only one run, and in the second an unimpressive 29. In the following Test, at Bellerive Oval he scored 137 and 31 and was named man of the match. In the third Test at Adelaide Oval, Hussey was moved down the order to number five to accommodate the return of Langer. He made 133 not out in the first innings and 30 not out in the second.

Hussey’s retirement came at the peak of his game where he pushed his average past the 50 mark by scoring eight centuries in his final 25 Tests. Growing up as a cricket fan I’ve always admired Hussey and seeing his last innings at the SCG, fittingly at the crease as Australia won the match, was amazing.

IF the past summer of cricket was to be marked by one of my law tutors, Cricket Australia would be receiving an email from the Law School informing them of an upcoming supplementary exam. The test series against South Africa and Sri Lanka, the ODI series against Sri Lanka (and to come the West Indies) and assorted T20s have shown no real answer for the form of the Aussies heading into this very important year of cricket.

A test and ODI series in India, the Champions Trophy, an Ashes Series in England and less than six months later a return Ashes series at home, all giving me yet another excuse to procrastinate, but also critical in the development of this current rebuilding phase of Australian cricket.

The South African series was a good start to the summer, showing what Australia could do on a good day, but it also highlighted some serious flaws in our game. The Aussies were very unlucky to come away with a 1-0 series loss, after playing the better cricket for the majority of the Brisbane and Perth tests. Even so, the bowling attack’s inability to take 20 wickets in a match cost the Aussies dramatically. This was glaringly apparent towards the end of Adelaide test, where the Australians were in a dominant position yet failed to capitalise, leaving the gate open for the South Africans to celebrate with a draw. It all seemed to be a matter of exhaustion and injuries contributing to the annihilation suffered in Perth where South Africa held us to the sword

and showed why they are and deserved to be the number one test cricket nation in the world.

Playing Sri Lanka after the best team in the world was a welcome series for Australia. In what could be considered a ‘tune-up’ series before India and England, the team was shuffled around and new tactics tried out. Philip Hughes easily stepped in to the void left by Ricky Pont-

It is apparent the controversial rotation policy has been a significant contributor to this mediocre overall performance, as the team struggled to find a sense of cohesion. ing’s departure, accumulating a swag of runs, and Jackson Bird announced himself as a fast bowler to watch for the future, debuting in Melbourne.

Australia dominated the series but the main talking point, excluding the immediate retirement of Mike Hussey, was the use of the rotation policy utilised by the coaching staff.

Utilised as a way of ensuring the best XI will

be available for the main goal of 2013, the Ashes home and way campaigns, selectors have rotated players this summer much to the chagrin of everybody outside the tightknit Cricket Australia family. Focusing primarily on the bowlers, players were rested on the advice of sports scientists advising the selection committee. This farce led to Australia having a completely different pace attack in Perth compared to the previous test in Adelaide. The last time this happened was over 100 years ago when Australia went out to play with an entirely new 11, due to a players’ strike.

The policy has not been popular, and it is evident why. Looking back on the summer, it is apparent the controversial rotation policy has been a significant contributor to this mediocre overall performance, as the team struggled to find a sense of cohesion.

Good luck to the Australians as they complete the ODIs with the West Indies then head on a tour around the world of cricket, first stop India. They will have to drastically improve and gel more as a team if they are to pass the metaphorical supp after this summer’s performance.

In other news, keep an eye on the fortunes of the South Africans. After winning their second series against Australia, in Australia, in a row, the Proteas have demolished New Zealand and Pakistan at home, dismissing both teams for double figures. Watch this space.

The Premier League Will Miss Super Mario

JOSHUA CHU-TAN

“HE does what he wants, he does what he wants.

Balotelli, he does what he wants.” These are the lyrics to the chant that Manchester City fans sing about their fiery striker Mario Balotelli. Unfortunately that has all but come to an end as this particular Italian firecracker has left Manchester City for AC Milan in what has been a somewhat controversial time for him in England. Many ups and downs were had for Super Mario in his career in England but one thing is for sure, he made the Premier League so much more interesting.

Known probably more for his off-field antics than his on-field achievements, Balotelli certainly left his mark on the Premier League. His unpredictability mimicked that of the firework that was set off in his bathroom and burned his house the night before his team was set to play.

The British tabloids certainly love him, but for all the wrong reasons. They are always on his back right when he steps out of his house. He has become something of an icon in the Premier League,

with many stories (true and false), or adventures you may say, being spread around. Tales such as driving around in a Santa costume handing out

Balotelli’s unpredictability mimicked that of the firework that was set off in his bathroom and burned his house the night before his team was set to play. money and offering to pay off all the fines for everyone in a Manchester library, whether true or untrue, people would love to believe it and it adds more to the mystery that is Balotelli’s character.

There is no doubt that he is a brilliant and tal-

Footy Fever MURRAY ROBERTSON

The Decline of Federer MARK FABIAN

AT the Australian Open this year, Roger Federer put in a disappointing performance in his semifinal against Andy Murray. Not taking anything away from Murray, who played an outstanding ented football player. He shows this many timesmatch, many commentators have expressed the when he steps on the pitch. However, due to his,view that Federer, arguably the greatest player of let’s face it, sometimes daft acts, Roberto Manci-all time, is in decline. ni more often than not, opts to start him on the Any word stronger than decline is premature bench as nobody knows which Mario will show- Federer continues to win a slam each year and up to play that day. ‘Super Mario,’ the player whoeven spent time at world #1 in 2012 - but he is far has not missed a penalty since he came to Eng-from his old, invincible self. land, or ‘Crazy Mario’ the one who couldn’t put on Many have noted that Federer is slowing a training bib, or couldn’t play a match becausedown, but that is to be expected. He has changed he was supposedly allergic to grass. his game accordingly, like taking more risks and This is what most fans love about him though,trying to dictate play from the centre mark, but his unpredictable nature. Mancini has obviouslywhat’s more worrying are other trends. had enough though, after their scuffle on the In years past, Federer was widely regarded as training field right before the news that Balotellihaving the best serve on tour. He had tremendous has been sold to AC Milan, his childhood club.variety on both deliveries, a first serve percentMany fans will miss his antics in the Premierage consistently above 65%, and was a sure bet to League. Although he doesn’t always conductdrop a bomb on big points. He out-aced Roddick, himself in the best way, he definitely entertaineda serve-oriented player, in their 2009 Wimbledon many during his time in England and they allfinal 50-27. loved his ways. Super Mario, you will be sorely Against Murray, he served five aces in five sets. missed.

Federer’s accuracy is also down., although this used to be a good thing. As a youngster, Federer played the lines too much and took unnecessary

risks, but coach Tony Roach tightened his play and worked hard to ‘cool off’ his star pupil. But now Federer frequently places his pedestrian attacking shots more than a metre inside the sideline. Nowhere is this more apparent than in his games against Rafael Nadal, where he is required to frequently rush to the net. These approaches come in behind shallow approach shots that don’t

Any word stronger than decline is premature Federer continues to win a slam each year and even spent time at world #1 in 2012 - but he is far from his old, invincible self. put adequate pressure on the Spaniard, who now easily makes the pass. Federer’s accuracy must improve.

These factors are important, but they pale in significance to the biggest contributor to Federer’s decline; the deterioration of his mental game.

Any coach will tell you that high level tennis is a

mental sport. The best players play their best tennis on the biggest points, where the rewards are greatest thanks to the quirks of the scoring system.

Federer used to be no exception, but now he chokes. Hard. He can’t buy a first serve on big points and often plays defensively instead of taking the risks commensurate to the rewards on offer.

This trend began with the infamous 2009 Australian Open final against Nadal where Federer cried after his agonising loss. Federer had thrown everything at Nadal but still came up short. However, the untold story of that match is Federer’s appalling break point conversion statistics (6/19) and dismal performance returning Nadal’s second serve. Nadal really messed up something in Roger’s head that day and things haven’t been the same since.

I still expect Federer to win big tournaments and beat the top players, but a return to godhood is inconceivable. He just doesn’t care enough, but I think that’s quite alright. After all, he’s still the greatest of all-time..

Mark Fabian is the head tennis coach of the ANU Tennis Club

WHAT is that glorious smell in the brisk February air? Is it the stale taste of a tedious cricket season painstakingly coming to an end? Or is it the copious amount of testosterone that is pouring off Bernard Tomic, after his audacious summer of tennis? It can only be the unmistakable essence of a new AFL season around the corner, new, shiny and fresh. The off season for the standard AFL player does not resemble a relaxing holiday per se. Players may have spent hours in surgery or rehabilitating an injury to get back in time just to start the pre-season. Unfortunately, this forces players into compressing their free time into an action packed palooza of alcohol, drugs and exotic settings. This toxic mixture produced its first fatality in October with Port Adelaide midfielder John McCarthy, of only 22 years of age, dying in Las Vegas after an odd fall off a roof, onto a palm tree and ultimately to his death. McCarthy’s death was a tragic accident, in a series of escalating episodes involving AFL players in their post season trips. The honour roll speaks for itself; a West Coast Eagles player overdosing in America, two incidents of pub brawls by the same Carlton player and the much heralded Ben Cousins’ drug addiction have all been well publicised, yet with no serious action taken or protocols put in place.

John McCarthy’s death must not be treated as a one off mistake, but as the ultimate consequence of successful, young men gone awry.

In somewhat lighter news, reigning premier (God it feels so good to write that) Sydney welcomed the arrival of monolith Kurt Tippett from the Adelaide Crows, who arrived in acrimonious circumstances under a cloud of draft tampering.

It was an unprecedented move that a Premiership team could usher in a A-grade key forward, which will surely (it will) help their chances of going back to back for the first time in forever.

In even lighter news, let’s make some predictions for the year ahead. Shall we pencil the Swans in for another top four finish? With the Kangaroos dropping out of the eight and a Mick Malthouse-led Carlton charging back up the ladder. West Coast will be the flag smokie, Collingwood to potentially and hopefully drop to a 7th place finish and Hawthorn to retain flag favouritism.

AFL is coming. Watch as a nation collectively rejoice after the last ad showing the Madden brothers with KFC airs, and watch as AFL begins its stranglehold on the Australian public. If it is a bandwagon you’re looking to jump on, then look no further than the Sydney Swans, the view is pretty nice from up here.

HIGH ROTATION

AGONY AUNT

currently playing in the Woroni offices

WORONI RADIO

Agony Aunt is back in 2013 to help with your most delicate relationship qualms and queries, with a sprinkling of 21st Century social etiquette. Write in with your questions to contact@woroni.com.au

10.00 10.30 Dear Agony Aunt, My boyfriend and I have been saving for months for a holiday to Europe during the winter break, but last night he asked me if I would let him give me a pearl necklace instead. Why is he being so generous?

What should I do?

- Lucky, Braddon

“OH!” WEEK LEILA PACKETT

Frankiepolitan is a guide to love, lust and dating for the modern pixie girl who would like to conceal the fact that these are the only subjects she actually wants to read about in a magazine.

Readers who feel pressured to be sweet and quirky by docile icons like Zooey Deschanel will love the incorporation of craft and shit into explicit sexual material.

Well hello campus sweethearts! Welcome to the inaugural Frankiepolitan column!

University is back, and that means it’s the perfect time to hit up that bearded hipster from your poetry class last semester for a Lonsdale Street Roasters coffee date! But with hundreds of doeeyed, summer-dress-toting first year girls arriving in Canberra this week, you’re going to have to be on your game to convert that cute guy in your French class into your very own cunning linguist.

It’s time to show your beau that you really are the cutest, quirkiest, most adventurous girl he knows! Why not try crocheting your own condoms? Or making him a sweet breakfast of freshly rolled cigarettes and espresso? You could even introduce him to hetero-alternative feminist porn… (Check out Cabaret Desire by Erika Lust)

Advice From Religion Jamie Freestone, Mathew McGann & Todd Cooper

Are you a priest?

Yes

No

Most importantly, make sure you’re on top of the latest blogs so you can bust out the newest sex positions before anyone else has even heard of them. (Or better yet, make them up! We were thinking The Reverse Manic Pixie Dream Girl…)

The best part about being a Frankiepolitan girl is that no amount of effort to be adorable is too far. In an age where Julia Gillard has resorted to wearing thick rimmed glasses, can anyone blame you for sending custom-decorated vagina cupcakes to his place of employment?

Good luck, my girlies- and I hope you all get someone to visit your Secret Garden this Friday night!!!

Lots of Love, Leila

My dear girl, There are gifts, and there are gifts. A European getaway is a wonderful thing for young couples to do together to relax after a hard semester’s worth of work, however there are other kinds of relaxation that only take the two people in a relationship to make happen, and don’t cost you a thing! Strings of pearls come in all shapes and sizes, and it’s always bad form to refuse a gift from your loved one.

Who knows, you might even score yourself a facial while you’re at it!

Love, AA.

This Week’s Question: I’m a man, can I have sex with this person?

This week’s advice from: Catholocism.

Is the person female or over 15?

Yes

No

Will the Catholic church aid and abet your crime?

Yes

Do you feel lust for this Yes person?

Yes

No

Are you married?

No

Yes

It is a sin. **

Is she consenting?

No

Yes

Have you been sampling No and charting the consistency of her cervical mucus?* Yes

Is the mucus scanty, thick and opaque?

Yes

No

You have my blessing, my son.

Yes

No

**None of these are necessarily mortal sins, just be sure to go to confession.

Tuesday Second Breakfast

Wednesday Second Breakfast

Thursday Second Breakfast

Friday Second Breakfast

PARSA

PARSA

PARSA

PARSA

PARSA

ANUSA

ANUSA

ANUSA

ANUSA

ANUSA

Indigenous

Enviro

Disabilities

Queer

Women’s

Comedy

NUTS

Satyros

NUTS

Satyros

NUTS

Satire/ music (Meg Shellie) Hey Grrrl Hey

Music

Music

Hot Air

Hot Air

Hot Air

Hey Grrrl Hey! Hey Grrrl Hey! Catch Phrase Radio Dream Team

Hey Grrrl Hey! Hey Grrrl Hey! Catch Phrase Radio Dream Team

Hey Grrrl Hey! Hey Grrrl Hey! Catch Phrase Radio Dream Team

Hey Grrrl Hey! Hey Grrrl Hey! Catch Phrase Radio Dream Team

Hey Grrrl Hey! Hey Grrrl Hey! Catch Phrase Radio Dream Team

Lunch Club

Lunch Club

Lunch Club Lunch Club The Vinyl Half-Hour Sweet Jams

Lunch Club Lunch Club The Vinyl Half-Hour Sweet Jams

Mixtapes

Mixtapes

Mixtapes

News & music (warm-up/ test) (Cam and AJ) PARSA updates (Julie Melrose) ANUSA updates (Annika Humphreys) Collectives

Hey Grrrl Hey

-

Music, etc.

(Aaron Garlick) Comedy (Chris and Kanish) Chat

-

Chat

Lunch Club

-

Music

-

Music (MIchael Carton) Mixtapes

The Vinyl Half-Hour Sweet Jams

Lunch Club Lunch Club The Vinyl Half-Hour Sweet Jams

Mixtapes

Mixtapes

2.30 3.00

5.00end of day

Lunch Club The Vinyl Half-Hour Sweet Jams

Streaming online at www.woroniradio.com.au or come to Union Court and listen live!

Can you afford it?

*See the symptoms based approach of the Roman Catholic natural family planning method, advocated instead of contraception.

11.30 12.00 12.00 12.30 12.30 - 1.00 1.00 1.30 1.30 2.00 2.00 2.30

3.00 3.30 3.30 4.00 4.00 4.30 4.30 5.00

No

Are you the same sex?

10.30 11.00 11.00 11.30

Monday Second Breakfast

***Woroni does not necessarily agree with connotations of this graph.

HACKS, SNAKES AND LADDERS emic Acad sion Exclu

Emb ez Emb zle! ezzle !

Emb ezzle !

ANUS Presid A ent

ive

ract

Att

he Take t hig H Moral d n u Gro

ating Deb ent id Pres

Co

me

Ou

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Embarrassing Shooters Photos

Gen Rep

ENROL

ng eeri n i g En ent Stud

Burgm

ann

GAM OVE E R

Sarah Hidalgo-Smith

Warren Drifter

Paula Nazareth

Gertrude Edraki

Dmitri White

Ryan Mosman

Player profiles can be found in your ANU pullout guide!