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THU1 ANU Flops Out New Study
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DAVID TUCKWELL
Young Pursues the Blues
TIM BUCKTOOTH CASSANDRA WILKINSON
IN an ANU-wide email Vice Chancellor Ian Young addressed rumours among staff and students of his potential departure, announcing that he is leaving academia to pursue a career in music The Chancellery released a statement to Woroni to confirm the veracity of what was believed to be a prank. “Professor Young always held onto the belief that one day, he could be one of the jazz greats, like Louis or Duke. It was only a matter of time before he quit to pursue this goal. The Chancellery discovered this fact when we noted that he was billed as a headliner at the Refectory next Saturday night under the name Ian “Howlin’ Whiskers” Young. We wish him all the best in his endeavours as a jazz flautist.” Inside sources say that the Federal Government cuts to tertiary education worth $2.3 billion were the final straw for the Vice Chancellor, who refused to administer a university that could not provide a world-class education to its students. To ensure the University stays running during the interim period, the University Council voted to appoint a computer that draws knowledge
from Wikipedia and MOOCs. Woroni sat down with Professor Young, who gave us a preview of his EP, “I Gots that Howlin’ Whiskers Blues”: Don’t let them take your music. There is a siren song that’s sung All day to you, and in your dreams, and though old tried and true it seems this demon wants your futures hung Though you should know what of I speak; The TV spells E-C-O-N-O-M-Y; and all the heads say growth is free And all policy’s merely a tweak ‘Til less is more, and more is less, I digress, this prose confesses loss For I’ve been chewed and pulled like floss, Forced to kill the music to pass the test. Musicology Honours student, David Goebbels, reviewed the album, saying, “His heart bleeds, his music speaks of compromise, hardship and love, but I can’t help but feel that before leaping into freejazz flute solos, Professor Young should first master the basics.” “The ANU can now facilitate the education of
Howlin’ Whiskers by offering tutelage online via Skype or YouTube or whatever he suggested last year. For one-on-one mentoring, however, Professor Young might have to look to another university.” Despite the student body being well aware that it is not Howlin’ Whiskers who chooses how much money the education system is worth to the government, the negative sentiment towards him in the wake of the 2012 music school cuts has made the performance of his role as VC increasingly difficult. Yet even after the government’s announcement, the VC’s departure came as a shock to the entire ANU community. Perhaps this $2.3 billion cut is more than Gonski-oriented electioneering. Perhaps the fact that universities are regrettably being forced to accommodate and replicate businesses in structure is compromising this country’s ability to produce artists and critical thinkers. Perhaps it shouldn’t come as a shock that the man closest to the action would this week give up once and for all on reversing these trends.
BUILT men with large penises have the most sexually attractive bodies, new research from the ANU has found. In a new study that has brought the ANU international media attention, Professor Michael Jennions and Dr Brian Mautz put the male member under the microscope. The results were unambiguous: male penis size correlates with how sexually attractive women find his body. Penis size is possibly as important as height. “Penis size matters, no matter what they say,” Professor Jennions said. And the bigger the penis, the more women are attracted to it. The researchers found no end point beyond which females stop finding a bigger penis more attractive. The researchers recruited 105 women aged between 20 and 40, and asked them to rate the attractiveness of life-sized, 3D computer images of naked men. The women rated men “very quickly”, making their judgements in three second flat. The influence of penis size on attractiveness was more significant for taller men. “To put it bluntly, if you are short and pear-shaped a large penis is not going to increase your attractiveness,’’ Dr Mautz explained. The video on the ANU YouTube channel outlining the findings received 21,000-plus views – more than any other featured video posted by ANU this year.
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