Woroni Edition Seven 2016

Woroni Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Funerals and Fathers, Fixers and Foreigners Mental Health at the ANU Part 1

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MaRK HAN

Harrison Miller & James Frost

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FAT IS HERE TO STAY

WHAT IS ANUSA

C. Guinery

ANUSA

PM’s record eight week campaign: a historical perspective

Contents

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

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40

Letter from the EditorIn-Chief

welfare Policy and the federal Election

On the Spot

News

Brody Hannan

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International

Concerning Men

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ANonymous

A Letter from Abroad: Another Tidbit From Sweden

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What is ANUSA

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Funerals and Fathers, Fixers and Foreigners Mental Health at the ANU Part 1 Mark Han

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CAP Obstructs Access to Key CHL Review Documentation Miguel Galsim

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Spoon Week Overview Madeleine Birsdey

12 Weeks a Rave

FEATURES 22

The Politics of Nostalgia – Coming To A Store Near You ALICE PARK

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The Danger of Nostalgia Saskia Milne

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THE ROSE-TINTED LENS OF NOSTALGIA

Kanika Kirpalani

Steph Kerr

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Post-Budget student speak out

collage culture

Pamela Hutchinson

ANUSA General Meeting on Electoral Reform

Ella Morrison

Alexandra Green

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IT’s What you make of it

Matthew Lord

SportS 42

WHO OWNS THE RIFT?: ANU TAKES ON UC AT THE INTERVARSITY LEAGUE OF LEGENDS Faye Hollands

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MIND GAMES: MY LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH SPORT Ebony Hoiberg

“NOT-SO-SOFTBALL” MATTHEW WICKHAM

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ANU OWLS EASTERN UNIGAMES PREVIEW

Ria PFLAUM

DARYL WESLEY

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BUDGETARY BINGO

The economics of Nostalgia

A GUIDE TO SUPER RUGBY 2016

Madeleine Birsdey

Sol Invictus Races Towards World Solar Challenge MIGUEL GALSIM

COMMENT 11

FAT IS HERE TO STAY

mayra Escobedo

Always another castle

ANU SPORT

Andrew McNaughton

Shankar Ravikumar

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Pollen – Collecting Tiny Pieces of Story Jesse Zondervan

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SATIRE 45

Over Achiever Says She’s “Just Like You”, Only Better

C. Guinery

My nostalgia...

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46

Refugee Policy & Lessons Learnt

Why nostalgia doesn’t work for me: A side-step into my mental illness

“Dear Guests” Inspired by true events

Shae Maree Nicholson

Jammie Johns

ALEX BAINTON

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WHy we need foreign aid Elena Ryan

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PM’s record eight week campaign: a historical perspective Harrison Miller & James Frost

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Social Policy and the Federal Election

Morgan Alexander

Breaking: Eggs

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45

From the Woroni Archives

Introvert admits, ‘I’m just not that into winter

ARTS & REVIEWS 37

Proof of proof

Loren Ovens

Paroksh Prasad

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Employability, Industrial Relations and the Federal Election

THERE’S NO NEED TO GO SOUR OVER BEYONCÉ’S SWEET LEMONADE

Hugh Evans

Julia Brieger

ruben Seaton

WORONI RADIO PLAYLISTS: NOSTALGIA

Lauretta Flack

Lost in memory lane PAUL CAMPBELL

Acknowledgement of Country

Woroni is published on the land of the Ngunnawal people.

‘Woroni’ translates to ‘mouthpiece’ in the Ngunnawal language.

Contact

Advertising inquiries and submissions can made at: advertising@woroni.com.au Phone: (02) 6125 9574 Shop 15, Lena Karmel Building 26 Barry Drive, Acton 2601 Woroni is printed by Capital Fine Print.

Board of Editors

Editor In Chief - Waheed Jayhoon Deputy EIC - Mitchell Scott Managing Editor - Liam Osawa News - Miguel Galsim Content - Ria Pflaum Radio - Caitlin Magee Creative - Joanne Leong Communications - Daniel McKay

Staff

Admin Assistant - Gowrie Varma Financial Controller - Brendan Greenwood

Sub-Editors

Marketing - Rhys Dobson Business Development - Sam Taylor News - Mark Han News - Pamela Hutchinson News - Kanika Kirpalani Design - Eva Krepsova Art - Shan Crosbie Comment - Nishanth Pathy Features - Bronte McHenry Arts & Reviews - Gabriele Naktinyte International - Paroksh Prasad Life & Style - Phyllida Behm Science - Allissa Li Sport - Madhuri Kibria Satire - Zoe Saunders Professional Development Charlie Austin Radio Technical Officer - Jamie Palamountain Presenter Liaison - Finn Pëdersén Music/DJ - Brendan Keller-Tuberg Events and Sports - Brittany Wallis Social - Hannah Wright Photography - Pubudu Dissanayake Photography - Bremer Sharp Social Media - Annabelle Nshuti Social Media - Michael Turvey Instagram - Tony Gu

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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Letter from the Editor-in-chief Waheed Jayhoon, Editor in Chief

Dear ANU community, This issue is laced with stories of historical perspectives, remembrance of the past, and the burning question “what do university students even have to be nostalgic about?” As I grow ever closer to my final weeks as Editor-in-Chief, I have been reflecting on how I will remember my term.

We’ve run some dope events throughout the semester, from an ACT Senate Debate with ANUSA and SASS to a League of Legends Tournament with Red Bull. Aside from a comprehensive rebrand of Woroni, we’ve also raised the quality of our written content, doubled the amount of radio shows we put on, and initiated partnerships with Lifeline, Legal Aid ACT, and Dendy’s Cinema.

My past two years with Woroni have given me experiences that I will cherish long after the end of my term.

Whether it was staying up way too late to call the printers, or being involved with one of the biggest and most cumbersome ANU scandals of the year, or dealing with resignation after resignation after resignation, I’ve loved every minute, and if you asked, I’d do it all over again.

To Jun and Oscar, thanks for encouraging a timid first year to brave the Woroni Radio airwaves even though I was convinced I could never do so.

To Sophie, thanks for giving on an inexperienced sub-editor the feedback and encouragement I so desperately needed. And, to the Board, thanks for believing that I was capable enough to taking on this mammoth task and never doubting me, even when I doubted myself.

Most importantly, many thanks to you, the reader, for allowing students to voice their opinions and pen their stories.

Yours sincerely, Waheed Jayhoon (Soon to be ex-) Editor-in-Chief

MC Jayhoon Special

NEWS

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Funerals and Fathers, Fixers and Foreigners Mental Health at the ANU Part 1 Mark Han, News Correspondent

Trigger warning: Suicide, Mental health issues

Subeditor’s Note: Over the last two weeks, Woroni has been following developments in mental health at the ANU. In this edition, I will cover the spiritual and cultural impacts of mental health issues, with a focus on international students.

Unfortunately, this is also the last edition to be printed on paper this semester. The

next part of this article, which will pertain to the administration’s response to mental health on campus, will be published online next week.

May is a melancholic month as a student – assessments start to pile up as the finals beckon, the days become disorientatingly shorter and the nights more eclectic, and the layers of jackets and sweaters continue to pile on backs like books and papers. Everyone’s looking forward to something, be it the doom of finals or the winter holidays.

Artwork by Eva Krepsova

This month, for some students, began by sending one of their beloved friends their final goodbyes as the hearse departed the church in Turner; a mere minute’s walk from campus where they had studied, lived, and loved. In the emptied driveway, they stood there solemnly with watery eyes as the wind picked up and the sun set behind Black Mountain. All they had now

NEWS

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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were unforgettable memories of him, in warmer and brighter times.

*** Father Michael, the priest who performed the funeral ceremony, is a figure of spiritual strength for the Ukrainian Orthodox community.

While outwardly quaint, the walls of the church where he practices are decorated with paintings of the patron saints of the Orthodox faith, honour rolls written in Cyrillic and the distinguishable three-bar cross of the Church.

It is surprisingly similar to any other church, but it has its idiosyncracies.

A child of refugees from the Soviet Union, Father Michael is devoted to his ancestral homeland, like many others in the small Ukrainian Australian community of Canberra.

However, this small community has been rocked by two suicides in the past eighteen months. The profiles of these tragedies were remarkably similar – they were both young men, students of the ANU and within touching distance of finishing their degrees. One of those young men was Father Michael’s own son, who was also part of the Woroni community in 2014.

“My faith is this only thing that keeps me going every day,” he confided, “I miss him every day.”

Father Michael’s family has struggled to move on since his son’s passing.

The pride and joy of a successful son and brother were replaced with unanswerable questions and unfixable regrets. “We could talk all day about what I could’ve done as a father in the past,” he said as he showed a picture of his son. “Nothing will bring him back.”

The raw wounds were reopened when he was told of another death, a young Ukrainian international student who had attended service at his church.

He immediately tracked down the father of the student, who had flown across the world to Australia as soon as he received the news.

“I felt like the only person who could understand him; his language and his pain,” Father Michael mused. “Us Ukrainians have been through many tragedies as a people, and we always band together in times of suffering.”

*** On May 9, ANUSA, PARSA and the ANU administration hosted the inaugural Mental Health in Higher Education symposium at the China in the World Centre. Among the invitees was Dr. Benjamin Veness,

a doctor and an emerging leader in Australian public health policy.

Dr. Veness authored The Wicked Problem of University Student Mental Health, a comprehensive report on university mental health. It offered seven broad recommendations for universities to improve mental health support. One of the key findings was the unfamiliarity of Western psychological and psychiatric treatment from the perspective of Asian international students.

This is an area in which another panellist, Dr. Helen Forbes-Mewett conducted research in. Dr Helen Forbes-Mewett has published numerous studies and articles pertaining to the welfare of international students in Australia, and led the cultural diversity in mental health workshop at the symposium.

Both Dr. Veness and Dr. ForbesMewett encouraged universities to employ multi-lingual counsellors and GPs to facilitate better care for international students on campus and greater engagement with the international student community.

However, the problem for international student support at the ANU is three-fold. In Dr. Forbes-Mewett’s report, she mentioned the lower rates of international student engagement with counselling services, while the unfamiliarity with established Western methods of treating mental health issues would also reduce the efficacy of treatment for patients.

Moreover, another unprecedented issue is the multitude of backgrounds in ANU’s international student body.

The cultural diversity of the ANU is celebrated, but also presents an inherent predicament for the student associations and the ANU administration in the field of mental health.

Dr. Forbes-Mewett described the language barrier as a significant problem for international students, as they could not seek advice in their own language. Furthermore, neither could they easily obtain resources in their native language that could guide them towards treatment.

Despite the high numbers of international students at the ANU, resources dedicated to mental wellbeing in languages other than English are few and far between. Harry Feng, the president of the International Students Department at the ANU, expressed caution of favouring one demographic over others, fearing further disconnect for students already isolated from the domestic mainstream on campus.

However, he was hopeful that mental health awareness for international students would be improved soon with further cooperation with the ANU administration and ANUSA

in the lead-up to International Week next semester.

***

Julian Wong is currently a PhD candidate for psychology, researching on the ways in which mental health support could be more culturally sensitive. The cultural sensitivity not only pertains to mere language, but also the multitude of factors which cultural identities have been grown around, such as family values, religion and many more.

Julian’s work strives to create a framework from which psychiatric and psychological services could draw upon when treating patients who have grown up in an environment that differs from contemporary Australian or Western culture. Currently his research focuses on the cultural sensitivities of the Sino-sphere where a majority of ANU’s international (and even many domestic) students hail from.

His research into the cultural tendencies of the Sino-sphere, which furthers Dr. Forbes-Newett’s findings of lower rates of help-seeking for international students, could result in more targeted assistance for students with problems that may seem strange to a counsellor without prior knowledge or experience of the culture.

He also noted that this research could be expanded into other cultural spheres in the future, but currently he is focusing his research on a culture which he has an intimate understanding of - the one which he grew up with in Hong Kong, shared by many in the university and throughout the world.

*** In a meeting a week after the funeral, Father Michael lamented the scarcity of varenyky (dumplings) and Ukranian vodka in Australian stores, but noted the easy availability of jiaozi (the Chinese equivalent) and rice wine at the local Chinese grocer. “(My) community is small, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like home,” he said.

Father Michael was then interrupted by a parishioner and spoke to her in fluent Ukrainian. “People in the community come to me for different problems,” he said as he walked back into the room. “I still think of how I could have helped my son every single day.”

“I know how hard University can be.

I went back to the ANU to study psychology a few years ago and I fully understand how hard assignments and other things can be. I wish that he could’ve told me more about what was going on,” He continued.

“I just wish my son was still alive.”

Father Michael was the second person in that week I heard speak those words – only this time it did not need to be translated from Ukrainian. The pain that was felt however, was exactly the same as the breezy dusk in the driveway outside a week before . Pain rarely has boundaries, unlike languages, cultures or generations.

*** The article will continue online next week.

If you need mental health support you can call these numbers: Lifeline: 13 11 14 Beyondblue: 1300 224 636 For Olek & Matthew – two friends I never had, two friends I write this article for. Rest in peace. Your fathers and friends miss you dearly.

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

CAP Obstructs Access to Key CHL Review Documentation Miguel Galsim, News Editor

Over the past two months College of Asia and the Pacific Administration has obstructed the access to the appendices of its Change Management Document (CMD) that were to justify the restructuring of the School of Culture, History, and Language (CHL). However, upon viewing these documents earlier in the week, Woroni discovered that limited financial details were given to illustrate precisely how the proposed restructuring of CHL would benefit its financial position.

Under changes outlined by the CMD, the CHL is expected to lose 15 fulltime academic staff by May 20 to remedy the purported financial inviability of the CHL, as previously reported by Woroni. This comes as the final stage of a process that began in 2014 to reform the CHL, leaving staff and students disgruntled and misinformed throughout the process.

The appendices to the CMD included a 2015 self-review by the CHL, the external review previously seen

by Woroni, and a Business Case for the CHL’s future, among other documents.

The Business Case for “sector leadership” in Asia-Pacific languages made

by CAP Administration outlined how traditional, classroom-based language teaching was not cost-effective, and proposed transitioning this language teaching to alternate platforms such as online teaching, and tutoring from native-speaker PhD candidates.

The document also predicted a sudden drop of the university strategic allocation for less-commonly taught languages from $2.3 million to $1.3 million between 2016 and 2017. No rationalisation was given for this.

Inadequate marketing of CHL language programs was pinned as a major strategy for increasing enrolments, and by proxy, revenue. This was supported by marketing research conducted by an external firm for CAP, which revealed that interest in CHL language study outside of Canberra was lacking.

Demand analyses also featured heav-

ily, blaming a widespread lack of incentives and interest, as well as the unwinding of high-school language programs. Classical languages were also marked to receive less funding to reflect the lack of contemporary demand for them. Additionally, the business case proposed teaching less-commonly taught languages on an intensive basis outside of regular semesters and offering evening classes to public servants.

The business case expects the CHL to spend around $203,000 on marketing in 2016, including expenses for Asian language outreach to schools in NSW and Victoria.

Additionally, digitising and pushing languages to online platforms was marked as a major initiative to increase revenue. The projections (listed until 2018) estimated a total of $448,360 to be spent on digital-related programs for language teaching in 2016. This amount does not change drastically for 2017 and 2018.

The Self-Study report produced by CHL’s former director Ken George in 2015 was the only appendix that offered substantial insight into the CHL’s financials in the lead-up to the current changes. A document that was circulated internally, the Self-Study report drew attention to recurrent salaries consuming 85% of recurrent revenue in 2014. It also noted that an absence of sound data and planning led to a growth in academic staff between 2008 and 2012, and that salaries were expected to rise each year.

A failure to increase full-time load enrolments and barriers against enrolling in CHL courses from within CASS were also cited as issues affecting CHL’s revenue streams.

Nevertheless, data within the appendices failed to thoroughly illustrate how the removal of fifteen CHL academics would contribute to the School’s future viability. Using the information from the Self-Study report, it can only be inferred that cutting a large number of staff would reduce salary expenses in the coming years. This money, no longer spent

on salaries, can thus be allocated to CAP’s proposed marketing and digitisation strategies to revitalise revenue streams.

However, the effect this would have on course offerings and quality, and subsequent enrolment impacts, was not explored. It was simply assumed that these new strategies outlined in the business case would increase revenue over the next three years with no critical analysis.

Access to Appendices Obstructed and Costly Woroni was only able to access these documents after scheduling an appointment to view them on-site at the Coombs Building. A room was set aside for the viewing, and a hard copy of the collected appendices was presented. Making copies was prohibited, although those in attendance were permitted to take notes.

A spokesperson from Hands Off Asia Pacific Studies told Woroni that the initial attempt to access these appendices was made on March 10. Concerned PhD students sent an open email to CAP Dean Veronica Taylor asking for access to the appendices.

Taylor replied that the information would be released the following week following consultations with the Vice Chancellor and the Executive on the best procedure to release the information. No response was given the following week.

However, students discovered from an administrator that they were already available on a site hosted on ANU’s Alliance service, resulting in student group Language Diversity at ANU publicising their existence.

Yet, just as a large amount of students and staff began downloading the appendices off Alliance, access to the site was cut off on March 20 when the site dedicated to the CHL Review disappeared from the Alliance directory. As a result, no new students were able to access the Alliance site.

At a Higher-Degree Research student consultation, Taylor did not provide

a conclusive answer as to when these appendices were to be made available, although she blamed their disappearance from Alliance on an “error” by her administrative assistant.

Undergraduates then began emailing Taylor, requesting access to the documents. They were told to email a separate, dedicated email address for the appendices, but they never received substantial replies.

After further inquiry, it was revealed

by CAP administration that students had to email them and schedule a time to view the appendices in person, as the documents were suddenly labelled as “commercial-in-confidence.” This prevents easy access to information that will have significant ramifications on students’ degrees.

Moreover, Hands Off Asia Pacific Studies submitted a Freedom of Information (FOI) request to CAP to view these appendices, given their sudden removal from an easy point of access. The group was initially charged $510 by ANU Administration, but was able to reduce the cost to $382.50 citing financial difficulties as PhD students.

While FOI requests are not necessarily free, the price of $382.50 is high, even compared to Australian Government standards. According to the Office of the Australian Information Commissioner, an FOI applicant will be charged $15 per hour of document retrieval, and $20 per hour of decision-making. The first five hours of decision-making are also free.

It is almost certain that ANU uses a different standard in FOI charges, but when compared to national standards, the price quoted to Hands Off still appears exorbitant.

ANU Administration and CAP have not explained why the appendices have been so difficult to access, with many students decrying the lack of transparency surrounding information critical to understanding the future of their degrees.

Do you know an inspirational woman?

Lifeline Canberra wants to recognise and celebrate inspirational women in our community... and we need your help!

Nominate an amazing woman in your life for the 2016 Women of Spirit Awards.

The Awards are open to anyone in the ACT and surrounding regions who have overcome adversity, given back to the community and are an inspiration to others.

Help celebrate the unsung heroes in our community and remind them just how special they are.

SAVE THE DATE We will be holding an elegant Awards luncheon on Monday, 5 September at the National Gallery of Australia to celebrate nominees, finalists and Award recipients.

Visit our website for info and a nomination pack

www.act.lifeline.org.au

If you or someone you know needs to talk, call Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis support service 13 11 14

News

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Spoon Week Overview Madeleine Birsdey

Spoon Week, run by the ANU Disabilities Student Association and ANUSA, spanned from the 2nd to the 6th of May, with a focus on raising awareness on the experiences of students with disabilities and ‘starting conversations with the wider community’.

Spoon Week is named after ‘Spoon Theory’, which use ‘spoons’ as an “an intangible unit of measurement used to track how much energy a person has” which is “used by some people with disability to describe their experiences”.

One of the main topics throughout the week was the need for a Disabilities Action Plan which is a “document that institutions write up that outline how they plan to eliminate discrimination against people with disability”.

Disabilities Action Plans outline goals and steps for greater inclusion such as awareness training, access audits, and accountability for future progress.

ANU is currently the only Group of Eight University without one.

Speaking at the first event of the week

‘Taking Action on Inclusion’, Craig Wallace, the President of People with Disability Australia described himself as “shocked because of the kind of place ANU is, but not surprised”, as “discrimination [against people with disabilities] is widespread and ubiquitous”. He described a “need for organisational change”, and there has been “multiple complaints about lack of access at ANU”.

Similarly, Tom Kesina, the ANUSA Disabilities Officer, described the need to raise “profile, understanding, [and] acceptance on campus”.

The second event was a Q&A session aimed at “myths and misconceptions about disability”. Held at Burton & Garran Hall, the panel allowed the students in the ANU to ask fellow students “how to be an ally without being an asshat”. Students described their experiences with both physical and ‘invisible’ disabilities, and the need for “access both physically and academically”, saying that “It’s more than just the physical stuff”.

The third event was a panel ‘Talking about disclosure’, held in the BKSS. Panellists included Keith Mahar, a former president of Mental Illness Education ACT and peer support worker in the Personal Helpers and Mentors Programme, and Jessica May, the CEO and founder of Enabled Employment, a labour hire company for people with a disability. Disclosure is a complex issue for people with disabilities, surrounding privacy, medical issues, relationships, and career prospects.

with disabilities in the Arts Transportable, near God’s Café. This event included sweets, craft, colouring, and a viewing of ‘Inside Out’.

Overall, the week was successful with a number of students commenting to Woroni on their new awareness of the challenges faced by people with disabilities, and the need for change, both within ANU and the wider community, to help remove obstacles they face.

On Thursday, Spoon Week hosted a BBQ and ‘Mini-Market Day’ in Union Court. The DSA demonstrated their deep bond with the ANU community by providing more than 700 sausages to hungry students, as well a thorough education on different types of disabilities, accessibility and inclusion, and the ways in which students can offer support to their fellows.

Finally, Spoon Week concluded with the opening of the new ‘Spoons Space’, a special area for students

12 Weeks a Rave Kanika Kirpalani, News Correspondent Circulating ANU staff emails have revealed the University’s plan to alter the existing semester teaching periods. The ANU administration has indicated a shift from thirteen-week teaching periods to twelve-week teaching periods, starting from February 2017.

For any ANU student who has made it through a semester, it is painfully evident that course content is rarely covered in the given thirteen weeks.

Reducing the semesters to twelve teaching weeks seems a bold move, given the amount of pressure lecturers and tutors already face to cover necessary content.

ANUSA’s submission concerning the calendar change includes statements from each student faculty representative. From this submission it is clear that every academic college is strong-

ly opposed to losing a week each semester, each faculty noting the difficulty all courses currently face to cover compulsory content.

The alternative model proposed by the University was cutting the mid-semester breaks to one week per semester. This model would follow seven weeks teaching period, oneweek break and the remaining six teaching weeks.

ANUSA college representatives were also strongly opposed to this proposal, considering that many students come from outside of Canberra and Australia, with one week of holidays being an insufficient time for students to travel home and see their families.

Moreover, many courses also have assessments due during the mid-semester break. A one-week break would not adequately provide students with

a relief from study if assessments were throughout that whole week. Hence, each college representative raised the issue of mental health, arguing that a two-week break was necessary for students to relax and refresh.

From this point it has been decided that the University will go ahead with the proposal of six teaching weeks, two-week break, followed by six teaching weeks. This change is to bring ANU’s term date in line with other Australian universities, in order to better facilitate transfers, enrollment applications and to give interstate students greater time to settle in Canberra.

While this justification has some weight, it is questionable as to why students will still be paying the same course fees considering the loss of a teaching week. Students will be los-

ing two teaching weeks a year and yet still be paying for them.

Although the University has indicated that the loss of a teaching week will not drastically affect students, with week-one being more content-heavy it seems students and lecturers will be under increased pressure to cover the vital material.

Hence it is possible that, as the proverbial saying goes, students will be getting less ‘bang for their buck’.

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News

Post-Budget Student Speak Out Pamela Hutchinson, News Correspondent

On Wednesday, May 11 2016, students gathered in Union Court to hear other students speak about their views on the 2016 Budget, and to make their voices heard.

and Teaching, which funds research into improving the quality of higher education provision. University deregulation is also to be withdrawn, excepting popular flagship courses.

tions of the Federal Budget for students and the higher education sector including on women, people with disabilities, ATSI and international students.”

In his maiden budget, Treasurer Scott Morrisson announced a new commitment to a 20% cut in funding to universities, with students bearing the brunt of it, as this will likely involve a 30% increase in students’ tuition fees.

The 2016 Budget also includes cuts to HEPPP (Higher Education Participation and Partnerships Program), which largely impacts students’ Access and Inclusion services.

In response to this, ANUSA, led by Education Officer James Connolly, hosted a Post-Budget Speak Out. The event included a banner that students could sign in protest for the Budget’s disgraceful cuts to universities, which boldly read, “Stop Cutting Our Future!”

“Consequently I believe that students would have gotten a greater appreciation of the intersections that higher education reform has with the lived experience of different groups of students such as those who use Access and Inclusion services.”

Yet again the Budget fails to adequately fund the Office of Learning

When asked what he thought students got out of the Post-Budget Student Speak Out, James commented, “Students were exposed to a multitude of perspectives on the implica-

A BBQ lunch was also provided and an open mic was available for students to stand up and share their views. Many students got involved, with the banner fully covered in signatures by the end of the event.

In relation to the significance of the event, James said, “This event occurred in the context of broken promises by the Minister for Education to consult students in any genuine way on higher education reform.

As such, an event that facilitated giving students the voice they have been denied was of particular importance to me as ANUSA Education Officer.”

James also observed that the event “was a successful demonstration of ANUSA’s student advocacy.”

ANUSA General Meeting on Electoral Reform Ria Pflaum, Editor On Tuesday the 3rd of May, ANUSA held a General Meeting to discuss amendments to current electoral regulations, aiming to make elections safer, more inclusive and more accessible for undergraduate students.

All changes passed unanimously, thereby introducing online voting, creating exclusion zones within the Union Court area, and reworking the disputes system.

Sam Duncan, General Secretary of ANUSA, introduced the motion: “That the Association repeal the existing Election Regulations and adopt the Regulations set out in Appendix A as the Election Regulations of the Association”, by saying that these changes “reflected an enormous cultural shift in how we want elections to look and feel.”

“These changes correct oversight in previous documents, and bring elec-

tions into into the 21st Century with online voting”, he expressed.

Developed in late February, the first report of the Electoral Reform Working Group outlined key issues raised in the 2015 election period. After release on the 14th of April it was opened up to two weeks of feedback and student consultation.

In presenting the motion at the General Meeting, Duncan stated that the main concerns raised from this consultation had been security and anonymity of votes, as well as the notion of a dynamic quota system, addressed in the report.

However, most of the feedback was overwhelmingly positive, with speakers at the meeting noting that there would be a huge increase in voter turnout through online polling, making it more accessible and cheaper.

Raqueeb Bhuyan, a Probity Officer

in 2014, also commented on his experiences with ACT Elections as a ‘less than friendly’ organisation to work with.He favoured online polling heavily.

‘getting them across the line.’”

Another focus of the Working Group was to clarify and extend the areas in which candidates may not actively canvas votes at any time. This includes the Union Building and BKSS (as under the previous regulations), and extends the prohibited zones to the Union Court and University Avenue thoroughfares, as well as the Manning Clarke and Copland Precincts.

Tom Kesina, Disabilities Officer, also supported the motion, reinforcing previous speakers regarding the culture change that this would bring.

Rather than the previous “hodgepodge of horrific amalgamated regulations”, these amendments streamlined the constitution and made it more accessible for all students, citing specifically the sections discussing the departments.

Speakers for the motion, including ANUSA Education Officer James Connolly, expressed that this would create a cultural change throughout the exclusion zone and in the election period in general, commenting that it would shift towards more of a “merit based discussion instead of simply

After the changes were unanimously carried, the attention of the meeting turned towards the election of the Financial Review Committee, an independent body that reports to ANUSA meetings on the potential reform of financial policy. All three candidates who nominated were elected.

“This will help improve the standing of the Association within the eyes of the student body”, Connolly stated.

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Budgetary Bingo Madeleine Birsdey

On the evening of the 3rd of May, ANUSA hosted their annual Budget Night Party in the Brian Kenyon Student Space. The event was attended by students crossing the political spectrum and included party supporters, first timers, and those merely after free pizza. Beginning at 6:30pm, the party slowly filled with students who eagerly anticipated the first Turnbull Government’s budget.

A number of students were enthusiastic about the budget: “Hopefully [it will] make education more accessible and sustainable” (Michael Turvey), “Excited for tax cuts” (Roman Bouckaert), “Huge leap for small businesses” (Keny Arcangeli).

Others were less optimistic: “Expecting more of the same” (Eliza Croft), “the government is taking advantage

of students” (Anonymous), “Fearing a weak government” (Anonymous).

International student Petal Wong also commented that her “friends may reconsider studying in Australia” if fee deregulation was passed.

By the time 7:30 arrived, anticipation has reached its peak, with Budget Bingo cards and cans of cider being passed around. Key phrases included ‘Innovation’ (shot), ‘Jobs and Growth’ (drink), and ‘Live within our means’ (gulp). Some of the proposals elicited heckling from the crowd, including criticism of the recent cuts to the CSIRO. (“What CSIRO?”).

Following the Budget speech, James Connolly, the ANUSA Education Officer, and a representative from the National Tertiary Education Union

ACT Division offered analysis regarding the impact of the budget on universities, as well as students in general.

Connolly suggested that the proposed changes to fee deregulation, which would only apply to ‘flagship’ or elite degrees, would likely impact the PhB or R&D students, as well as the likelihood of the government passing a proposed 5% fee on the use of HECS. The NTEU representative offered context on the discussion paper which formed the bulk of the government policy announcements regarding tertiary education, highlighting issues regarding consultation, and the probable impact of various policies on universities and teachers, as well as students.

Following this, a number of students commented to Woroni regarding the impact the proposed changes would have on them. One student suggested that “About 20% of her friends who were undecided wouldn’t go to uni because of it”, while others suggested that there would be a “rise in gap years to pay for university”, and that “low-income students are less likely to go to university” because of the changes.

Others said that the fee was “a bit silly or counter-intuitive”, considering the 10% discount on fees already offered to those who pay upfront while another student simply stated, “The government is sharking us”.

Sol Invictus Races Towards World Solar Challenge Miguel Galsim, News Editor

Sol Invictus, a student-lead flagship program, is scheduled to compete in the World Solar Challenge in October 2017 after drawing the efforts of students from throughout the ANU. The team is supported by CBE and CECS, and has received a total of $350,000 in funding: $150,000 from the ANU and $200,000 from external sponsors.

The World Solar Challenge draws competitors from across the world and from other Australian universities – UNSW currently holds the land-speed record. It is sponsored

by Bridgestone and puts innovative technology in energy efficiency to the test.

This will be the first time ANU will be competing in the challenge, which entails a 300km timed race from Darwin to Adelaide where only 50% of competitors ever finish. The goal

for Sol Invictus is for its specially-designed solar vehicle to finish the race.

The team is divided into four sections: administration, business, technical, and operations. Students from different colleges, including CBE, CECS, and Law, are involved in the program, which ANU perceived as a means for integrating courses across the campus and developing business relationships with external parties.

At present, the technical team is in the process of recruiting students for the construction of the vehicle, while certain courses run by the Engineering faculty contribute to the solar vehicle’s design.

Concurrently, the business team is shifting its focus on securing funding from external sponsors. Using sponsorship events, the team hopes to gain the sponsorship of companies

in management, systems engineering, and renewable energy fields. In addition, ANU administration has begun offering substantial support, not only in funding, but in marketing.

In fact, when Vice Chancellor Brian Schmidt personally expressed interest in Sol Invictus, their initial marketing strategy of a small sponsorship night followed by an ANU Media Release suddenly intensified. Schmidt is now hoped to keynote their sponsorship night on the 27th of May to an audience of 15 possible sponsors, as well as alumni and ANU management staff. As a result, Sol Invictus’ business team is pushing its media release forward and now has access to ANU’s Strategic Communications and Public Affairs unit for marketing.

Sol Invictus stated that they were “born from a bold vision to take Canberra’s strong commitment to sus-

tainability and combine it with the world-class innovation at Australia’s leading university.”

They hoped to increase Australia’s profile as a leader, rather than a follower, in sustainability innovation, and aspired for their program to be “Something that would challenge the students of today and tomorrow to collaboratively push the boundaries of possibility in the pursuit of a sustainable future.”

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

11

COMMENT

Fat is Here to Stay C. Guinery

This piece is written in response to “Fat Acceptance without the Fat Acceptance Movement”, which you can read online at: http://www. woroni.com. au/news/fatacceptancewithout-the-fatacceptancemovement/ I am writing this not only as the child of a fat woman, but also as a person who has been overweight for most of my life. I expect to be overweight again but for the time being it’s like I’m undercover, people tell fat jokes around me instead of about me, but they’re still not funny. I am also studying to be a doctor.

I considered writing a response directly addressing every problem I had with “Fat Acceptance Without the Fat Acceptance Movement”.

I could devote pages to the construction of the hulking straw woman that is “feminism” in that piece, or to the grossly insensitive ‘hypothetical’ in the opening paragraphs - drawing a false equivalence between two quite different challenges (existing in the world as a fat person and being a person with alcohol use disorder).

I will say that it is disingenuous to present “fat” as a “trade-off between benefits now (lower requirement for exercise, more enjoyable food) and health costs in the near-to-distant future”, essentially suggesting that fat people are lazy gluttons, and then in later paragraphs to nod in the general

direction of the multiple factors, many of which are related to varying types of disadvantage and marginalisation that often contribute to a person becoming and remaining ‘overweight’.

The attempt to discredit the Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM) via an Appeal to Authority argument, namely ‘people rate doctors as trustworthy, thus they are all going to be on the right side of this issue, always’ is touching, but misguided. Studies frequently show that doctors and medical students have biases against obese people in keeping with or in excess of those prevalent in mainstream society. So it is easily possible than an obese person may see a doctor with excellent medical knowledge who also has the common opinion that fat people are lazy and gluttonous. It is unsurprising that there are clashes between the two.

Fat isn’t going anywhere, and as such we need personal and societal fat acceptance. I can’t endorse the whole of the Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM) because I don’t know everything about it. I won’t pretend that reading articles on ‘Everyday Feminism’ and having a passing acquaintance with Health At Every Size somehow makes me an expert. What I do have is a relevant personal experience and family history.

My mother has been ‘fat’ all of her life. Chubby kids are considered cute but somewhere around puberty she was squished into a girdle and sent off to Weight Watchers - her first ‘proper’ diet of many. It was not successful. My mother is a hardworking, successful, generous, healthy, active (vegan) person who is fat. It is sad that she was taught to measure her self-worth with a scale, the fact that she still does it nearly fifty years later is nothing short of a tragedy. She has failed to be slim and the shame of that failure endures.

I am certain that interactions with various healthcare providers haven’t helped: “Your test results are perfect; it’s a pity about your weight”.

I was 12 the first time my father raised his ‘concern’ about my weight. I had bought myself a cola-flavoured Chupa Chup. As I gleefully unwrapped my prized confection, a voice interrupted: “Are you sure that is a good idea?”.

I stared up at my father, rendered speechless by his question. You bet I was sure! Cola is by far the best flavour. Sensing my lack of comprehension, he persevered: “I am concerned about your weight”. I was stung. That

was my first time I remember feeling ashamed of my body. Naturally, it wasn’t the last. The mainstream media delivered shame through marketed solutions to my ‘problem’: miracle pills, meal plans, juice cleanses.

Somehow, I got through most of my adolescence without completely hating my body, and thereby myself for allowing it to exist, but then I saw a public health campaign encouraging people to seek their doctor’s advice about weight loss. The message was measured and reasonable so I didn’t reject it automatically.

“I am planning to lose some weight and thought I would ask your advice” I said nervously. His expression was warm “Well, I suppose you might try, but really, don’t you think you might be fighting nature there?” he drawled.

Then, with a long considered pause “How much do you weigh now?” “I’m not sure” I lied. He measured my weight and height and we learned together that my BMI was 26. “Well, that is overweight, but I know your mother and your father and you are exactly what I would expect knowing them. You could try to lose a few kilos but it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth and you’re not likely to keep it off”. I left that appointment with a plan, to find a physical activity that enjoyed.

I wish I could say that I followed my doctor’s advice, and that our conversation in 2003 set the tone for how I saw my body in the years that followed.

My GP really is a person whose opinion I respect and trust. Unfortunately, I have had hundreds of fat shaming conversations subsequently and have been witness to countless more. The shame of existing in my body has pushed me towards two ‘proper’ diets in the last decade and though I am lighter now than originally, my BMI has ranged from 18 to 28, neither of which extreme represented a period of improved health for me. I am not currently overweight but the shame still clings to me. My thighs are wobbly. I have failed to have firm thighs.

I know that it’s bullshit, but I still feel like I should “fight nature”.

So if our societal preoccupation with fat isn’t

making fat go away (and it really isn’t) and if it is unrealistic to expect people who are exposed to a lifetime of fat shaming messages to simply rise above it, then this problem needs organisation and representation … a cultural movement of some kind. I suspect you can see where I am going with that.

COMMENT

12

Issue 7, Vol. 71

POLICY PAPERS (Part II) In the lead up to the federal election, Woroni is publishing a series of articles analysing the major policy clashes being debated by our political parties. The viewpoints expressed within are the viewpoints of the author, and in no way reflect the opinions of Woroni or its staff.

Didn’t get a chance to contribute? No worries!

Woroni is still available to publish articles online over the winter break, so if you’ve got a policy piece you want published, send it to comment@ woroni.com.au

Refugee Policy & Lessons Learnt Alex Bainton It has become clear that the current refugee system is untenable. The High Court of Papua New Guinea has declared the Manus Island detention centre unlawful, the resident refugees have taken legal action against the Australian government in the High Court, and public support for the policy is being eroded by human rights violations and poor treatment of refugees. Unfortunately, it is also clear from the significant spike in arrivals during the 2008 to 2013 period that a return to on shore processing without deterrents is neither responsible nor ethical. From 2008 to 2013 at least 1100 asylum seekers died at sea in an attempt to reach Australia; none died from 2002-2007. Moreover, the arrivals (likely in excess of 20,000) would also put significant strain on Australia’s humanitarian programs, and would limit Australia’s humanitarian intake of those waiting in Indonesia and other countries for resettlement. Given this, what are the policies we’ve been presented with at this election, and how are they meant to work?

Refugee policy can be generally split into deterrent policies and incentive policies. Deterrent policies (such as indefinite detention, off-shore processing, turnbacks and TPVs (Temporary Protection Visas)) have been the focus of both major parties. They are designed to reduce the “pull factors” (factors which incentivise refugees to make the journey to Australia) and thereby discourage coming to Australia by boat. The major two

parties largely agree on these policies, with the exception of TPVs, where Labor plans to abolish them whereas the Liberals support their retention.

This has been the case since the 2013 election campaign. The basic reason for this is that removing deterrent policies caused an influx of refugees for which Australia was unprepared and to which the electorate reacted poorly.

By contrast, in 2008, Labor opposed most deterrent policies. Rudd closed detention centres on Nauru and Manus Island (abolishing the pacific solution), stopped turning back boats, and ended indefinite detention. At the time, refugee advocacy groups were quoted on Lateline hoping the “politics of the Tampa crisis, which they say helped achieve victory for John Howard in the 2001 federal election, will remain a thing of the past.” After Labor’s abolition of the Pacific Solution, however, the politics of Tampa did not remain a thing of the past at all. Boat arrivals surged to historical highs, reaching 20,487 in 2013, and forcing Labor to reopen Nauru in 2012 and strike an off-shore processing deal with PNG in 2013.

The Coalition was swept to victory partly on even stronger deterrent policy after their election, reintroducing TPVs and aggressively turning back boats.

So which deterrent policies work?

A few months after its election, the Abbott government claimed responsibility for ‘stopping the boats.’ yet the

decline in arrivals began immediately after Labor’s 2013 PNG offshore detention deal and announcement that no boat arrivals would be resettled in Australia. No such decline occurred upon introducing bridging visas and opening Nauru in 2012. This suggests a ‘no resettlement’ policy was key. However, during the era of the Pacific Solution, the Howard government resettled 70% of all detainees in Australia and other wealthy countries. This is strong evidence it is possible to resettle without encouraging an influx of boats, at least once boat arrivals are low. The current Coalition government has, however, rejected several opportunities for resettlement, and has made little effort to find solutions outside of middle income countries like Malaysia and the Philippines. The Coalition even rejected resettling 300 refugees in New Zealand because of NZ’s relative wealth. The unwillingness to take any risk in resettlement has ultimately cost lives, and caused harm to those stuck in detention. The average stay in immigration detention is now 454 days, and very slowly declining.

Because of the focus on the deterrent policies such as offshore processing, visas and resettlement, there has been little focus on policies to encourage international cooperation and making it easier to seek asylum in Australia through more controllable means.

10 of 22 recommendations from the 2012 Houston Report of the Expert Panel on Asylum Seekers focus on regional cooperation. Few of these

recommendations have been adopted. The coalition’s ‘Our Plan’ site has no mention of regional cooperation.

What cooperation there is focusses on resettlement rather than promoting an effective and fair process for asylum seekers. Labor has committed to increase annual refugee intake to 27,000 as recommended – but only by 2025. They have also committed to a total of $450M in support for the UNHCR (United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees) over three years. The Greens have promised $500M for similar purposes. This is an increase from a total of $60M over the last three years, and would be a significant contribution for the struggling UNHCR. Offshore processing and boat turnbacks are an unfortunate but necessary part of maintaining a stable and effective humanitarian program that prioritises the neediest refugees.

The human rights abuses and secrecy which have occurred in detention are not. While hard lessons have unified the major parties’ refugee policy, the policy has so far been poorly executed. Funding the UNHCR and refugee prioritisation is a good first step in establishing a system for processing large international movements of people – movements that will become all the more significant and relevant to the Pacific region in the coming decades. The next steps will require much more cooperation within the region, and bending policies more and international law less.

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

13

COMMENT

WHy we need foreign aid Elena Ryan

In his 2008 maiden speech, Scott Morrison encouraged Labor’s foreign aid efforts, saying as “the need [for foreign aid] is not diminishing, nor can our support.” Yet six years on, his first budget as Treasurer pushes Australia’s foreign aid contribution to the lowest it has ever been. In last year’s budget, the coalition cut funding to the sector by $1 billion, or 20%, the largest single cut to the aid program in Australia’s history. On top of this, a further $224 million has been cut this year, reducing it to the lowest level of GNI in Australia’s history – at just 23 cents to every $100 of national income. This is well below the global average. The aid budget has been cut four years in a row - the most in Australian history.

Despite such progress, there is still much to achieve. The bulk of our aid goes to Papua New Guinea and Indonesia, after severe cuts to the Middle East and Africa.

Eighteen of Australia’s 20 closest neighbours are developing countries, including some of the least For every developed Australian on countries in average, our the world, and aid costs total many are small to $3 a week island states - less than the bearing the price of a cup brunt of climate of coffee. change through This should be a concern to anyone altered weather who considers Australia a generous country. The word “fair” cannot be patterns associated with the current budget; there is massive disparity between and rising our ability to contribute and our actual contributions in aid. sea levels.

First, let’s look at what aid has done and continues to do. Humanity has made great progress in shaping a more equal world. Global poverty has halved in the last ten years. The number of people with access to clean water has doubled, and the number of women dying during childbirth has nearly halved. Polio has been eradicated in the Pacific. Australian Aid has helped this occur. Our foreign aid money goes directly to various NGOs, enabling community programs in country to kickstart local initiatives. This way, they can be targeted to exactly what each individual country requires, and can utilise local knowledge to bring about positive change. In very literal terms, aid saves lives and helps people to rise out of poverty.

For our neighbours in the Pacific, the impacts of shifting weather patterns, rising seas and destructive storms are already stark. One in nine people will go to bed hungry tonight - most of these on our doorstep in the Asia-Pacific region. We are still facing challenges, and cannot afford to cut foreign aid. Cuts to foreign aid cost lives.

Moreover, we’re well below the standard set by other rich countries. In 1970, the UN agreed that developed countries should provide 0.7% of their GNI as development aid. This target is the level of financial assistance developing countries are predicted to need in order to achieve desirable growth rates. Since then, governments have continued to affirm their commitment to the ODA

target of 0.7% of GNI. But since 1960, 19 OECD member countries, including Australia, have not once reached the 0.7% target. The highest level of ODA as a percent of GNI ever reached by Australia was 0.66% in 1975. Six OECD countries – Denmark, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden and the UK – have met the United Nations target to provide at least 0.7% of their national income as foreign aid. Most other donor countries, responding to unprecedented humanitarian challenges and recognising the importance of continued development progress for global stability, have been increasing their aid spending – so much so that total OECD aid reached a record high in 2015.

But it isn’t just about our moral obligations, or some international benchmark – aid benefits us. Aid is an investment into the security and stability of our region and economy.

More safe and stable countries make better trading partners for Australia, and are also more likely to protect their citizens from the kinds of abuses that force people to flee their homes. For example, Australian aid has greatly contributed to peace and stability in Timor-Leste by supporting governance and security sector reforms. Aid can generate demand for Australian goods and help build stable trading partners. Australia is served by a world marked by prosperity and opportunity, rather than one plagued by poverty.

Many opponents of foreign aid suggest that it is fruitless to blindly give away money to people beyond our shores when there is little evidence that foreign aid boosts GDP. Capitalism, not aid, has enabled poverty reduction. Furthermore, foreign aid can allow a sense of superiority over the third world, reinforcing colonial powers. There is potential corruption, dependence and resource misallocation. When similar investments are needed at home, it can be hard to justify this money going overseas. Such arguments overlook the importance of the moral obligation we have to the rest of the world. The lives of the world’s neediest should come before gripes about a vague sense of neo-colonialism. Aid has been successful in ways that are not priced into GDP. The link between poverty eradication and foreign aid is tenuous, but the link between welfare and aid is not.

Vaccination programs have helped dramatically reduce and/or eradicate

diseases such as polio and smallpox.

Some of Australia’s smallest Pacific Island neighbours are unlikely to be viable without aid. The ineffectiveness of specific aid programs is not an excuse to cut aid, but merely to make aid more effective through transparency, coordination, effective partnerships, and a focus on results and feedback. Australian aid is currently targeted to countries where aid is effective and needed, and redistributed when it is not. It is also entirely legitimate to focus Australia’s efforts in tackling poverty where Australia’s foreign policy, security and economic interests are most strongly involved.

This is a key reason for maintaining the focus on the Asia–Pacific. Lives are at stake in such an issue; assistance is the responsibility of nations and organisations that have the capacity to do so. The money would otherwise be spent on government projects where the recipients are not nearly as needy of assistance.

Aid is also such a small sector of the budget that cuts result in minimal relative savings, but massive costs.

The foreign aid cuts won’t be a defining issue in this election. The Liberal Party stands by their cuts, and Labor is declining to say whether it will restore the cuts made by the Liberals.

Nonetheless, the Australian government needs to lift its efforts and reverse this cruel trend, not because it will win votes, but because ending poverty is a value that should transcend politics. We believe in a fair go for all, and our policies should embody this. Australia needs to be a leader in the Asia Pacific, and stop leaning on the efforts of other nations. Australia can and should do more.

Elena Ryan is the President of the ANU Oxfam Society.

COMMENT

14

Issue 7, Vol. 71

PM’s record eight week campaign: a historical perspective Harrison Miller & James Frost The circumstances of the present election are historically remarkable: a viceregal recalling of parliament, a Dissolution of both Houses, two untested party leaders, and the longest campaign in Australian history. The Prime Minister’s maneuvering has been lauded by many as a tactical coup - but is it strategically wise? In the modern age of hypermediated politics all election campaigns are fraught with unexpected risks. But given the extraordinary circumstances of the current campaign, the next seven weeks is likely to produce one of the most interesting electoral campaigns in Australia’s political history.

Federal election campaigns are all-consuming affairs. In the ground war, individual MPs invade shopping centres while their party leaders crisscross the country. While in the air war, political commentary, analysis, and advertising pervade the airwaves.

It’s an exhausting affair for politicians and the public alike. The stakes are invariably high and the optics difficult to manage.

How unique, therefore, is the present eight-week campaign and what risks might it bring?

Evaluating the length of election campaigns can be rather ambiguous. Often, the campaign-proper is preceded by a quasi-campaign of feverish expectation. At other times, an election date can be flagged well before the election is actually called.

In 2013, for instance, Prime Minister Gillard took the remarkable step of announcing the intended election date an incredible eight months out, arguably sacrificing a tactical advantage. Menzies, too, announced election dates well before the campaign actually began, flagging the date three months out in both 1958 and 1961.

Despite this ambiguity, however, campaigns officially begin with the Governor-General’s proclamation dissolving the House of Representatives, and conclude with the casting of votes on election day. It is the act of dissolving the House that kicks all sitting MP’s out of their seats, declares all seats up for grabs, and sets the election campaign train in process.

Since the Second World War, Australia has had twenty-six federal elections, from Chifley vs. Menzies in 1946, to Rudd vs. Abbott in 2013.

Across these twenty-six post-war elections, the average campaign duration has been 4.9 weeks - that’s an average of thirty-four days of feverish campaigning.

The shortest campaigns occurred in the late 1960s; both the 1966 campaign of Holt vs. Calwell and the 1969 campaign of Gorton vs.

Whitlam, ran for just over three and a

half weeks. The Canberra Times noted at the time the “hectic campaign itinerary” required by such a brief twenty-six day campaign.

The longest campaigns, by contrast, have until now occurred in the late 1940s and early 1950s. The 1946 campaign of Chifley vs. Menzies ran for just over six weeks, while the forty day campaigns of 1949 and 1951, also between Menzies and Chifley, fell just under six weeks. These longer campaigns may have been necessary in the era before widespread television ownership, where candidates instead travelled and ‘pressed the flesh’ in town-hall style events. In the modern age, however, such a long campaign is an aberration.

In contrast, the 2016 election, begun by the Governor-General’s dissolution of both Houses on 9th May, will run through to polling day on 2 July - a remarkable eight weeks, or 54 days - making it the longest election campaign in modern Australian history! In this age of hypermediated politics such a long campaign brings with it considerable risks.

Election campaigns incur various costs and risks, burdens that are only compounded by a long campaign. The potential to make mistakes on the campaign trail are risk factors, which only increase the longer the campaign runs. Tony Abbott’s 2013 campaign is a case in point. His infamous SBS interview - in which he over-promised “no cuts to education, no cuts to health, no change to pensions, no change to the GST, and no cuts to the ABC or SBS” - coming on the final night of a tiring nearly fiveweek campaign.

Maintaining (strict) party discipline over an extended period is also a major challenge on the campaign trail. The expectation is that parties must maintain a united front and sell a uniform, consistent message at all times. The simple fact is, however, that politicians begin to tire, stray from, and/or forget talking points altogether. The risk of such missteps, mistakes and gaffs only increases the longer the campaign drags on - let’s not forget Jaymes Diaz’s six-point plan to stop the boats.

Yet another factor that will no doubt strain party discipline and coherence in the present campaign is the large number of retiring MPs not contesting the election. Twenty-three sitting MPs have bowed out, and have now been replaced with a new class of largely inexperienced candidates.

These new candidates, untested in the cauldron of a competitive election campaign, will quickly have their mettle tested in such a long campaign.

Beyond the parties them-

selves, another factor is how the public will respond to such a long campaign.

Negative campaigning advertising is an increasingly prominent feature of modern election campaigns, and is sure to test the patience of the voting public. Bombarded with pervasive political polemics for eight weeks, there is a great risk that such relentless negativity may undermine the electorate’s collective confidence, or else cause exhausted voters to simply tune out and switch off all together. The US public may be used to campaigns lasting a full eighteen months, but Australians have always favoured a more expedient and practical political system.

Finally, beyond everything that we can know about and prepare for, there are many things we can’t. A multitude of disasters, crises and calamities, so called ‘acts of God’, which could all threaten to derail a campaign without warning. Terror attacks, flaring international conflict and humanitarian crises are but a few of the events that can have major effects at the ballot box. Pundits in the US, for instance, have indicated that the consequences of a major terror attack in the run up to the Presidential election campaign could have dramatic effects on people’s voting choices - campaigns in Australia are not immune to similar events. While incumbent Coalition governments have been demonstrated to benefit from international security concerns, they have also suffered when humanitarian issues have taken over the political agenda. The longer the campaign runs, the greater the chance outside events will intervene for better or worse.

The significance of these risks ought not be underestimated.

The Australian National University’s Australian Election Study has revealed the enormous ability of campaigns to swing election outcomes. On average, a full third of voters don’t decide who they’ll vote for until during the campaign. In the 1998 election an incredible 42 per cent of voters were influenced in their voting decision by the election campaign. The lesson is clear: an election campaign can make or break a government!

So what does all of this mean for the current election? In many ways, the practicalities of a long election campaign endanger the Government and favour the Labor Opposition.

Nevertheless, a Coalition victory remains the more likely outcome. Let us explain. Despite the tumult of recent years, every Federal Government since the Labor Government of 1929-32 has achieved at least a second term. A Coalition loss would defy this established precedent and prolong the instability of federal politics of recent years. Are

Australians really ready for their sixth prime minister in as many years?! We don’t believe so, and while Turnbull has undeniably let down many who held high hopes for a Turnbull prime ministership, we believe there remains sufficient good-will for Australians to follow the established trend and give a first term government another go.

The likelihood of a re-elected Turnbull Government is also evident in the polls and betting markets. It is true that the latest polls still have Labor in a slight lead, yet polls often narrow as an election progresses and (barring any aforementioned calamity) we expect they will in this campaign as well. The betting markets support this belief, with many agencies offering the Coalition around $1.33 to Labor’s $3.25.

This is not, however, to say that the Government won’t suffer a damaging swing, considerably reducing the size of their parliamentary majority. A party must secure 76 of the House of Representatives 150 seats in order form government. At the high-water mark of the Government’s 2013 landslide election victory the Coalition secured 90 seats to Labor’s 55.

We expect the current election to narrow this margin considerably. A loss of ten Coalition seats, reducing their majority to just five, is highly probable.

A greater swing, however, combined with the possible addition of various new independent and minor party candidates could see both parties denied a governing majority, returning us to the parlous state of a hung parliament as after the 2010 election. Thankfully, this remains only a slim possibility.

In sum, this unprecedentedly long campaign is a considerable gamble. It remains to be seen whether the prime minister, his government and his candidates can maintain discipline and avoid the traditional dangers of long campaigns. What we can be sure of, however, given the all of the remarkable contingencies at work, is that this campaign will be anything but boring. Seven long weeks lie ahead of us all, and for obsessives like us there’s never been a more exciting time to be a political junkie!

Harrison Miller and James Frost are PhD students in the School of Politics and International Relations.

You can follow them on Twitter at @Harrison_Miller and @James_GFrost https://twitter.com/James_GFrost

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

15

woroni presents

THE election in numbers

Prime Minister

Year

House Dissolved

Poll Held

1946

16/8/46

28/9/46

█████████████████████████████ 43

1949

31/10/49

10/12/49

███████████████████████████ 40

1951

19/3/51

28/4/51

███████████████████████████ 40

1954

21/4/54

29/5/54

██████████████████████████ 38

1955

4/11/55

10/12/55

████████████████████████ 36

1958

14/10/58

22/11/58

████████████████████████████ 39

1961

2/11/61

9/12/61

██████████████████████████ 37

1963

1/11/63

30/11/63

█████████████████████ 29

Holt

1966

31/10/66

26/11/66

███████████████████ 26

Gorton

1969

29/9/69

25/10/69

███████████████████ 26

Chifley

Menzies

McMahon

1972

2/11/72

2/12/72

█████████████████████ 30

Whitlam

1974

11/4/74

18/5/74

██████████████████████████ 37

1975

11/11/75

13/12/75

██████████████████████ 32

1977

10/11/77

10/12/77

█████████████████████ 30

1980

19/9/80

18/10/80

█████████████████████ 29

1983

4/2/83

5/3/83

█████████████████████ 29

1984

26/10/84

1/12/84

████████████████████████ 36

1987

5/6/87

11/7/87

████████████████████████ 36

1990

19/2/90

24/3/90

██████████████████████ 33

1993

8/2/93

13/3/93

██████████████████████ 33

1996

29/1/96

2/3/96

██████████████████████ 33

1998

31/8/98

3/10/98

██████████████████████ 33

2001

8/10/01

10/11/01

██████████████████████ 33

2004

31/8/04

9/10/04

████████████████████████████ 39

2007

17/10/07

24/11/07

███████████████████████████ 38

Gillard

2010

19/7/10

21/8/10

██████████████████████ 33

Rudd

2013

5/8/13

7/9/13

██████████████████████ 33

Turnbull

2016

9/5/16

2/7/16

████████████████████████████████████ 54

Fraser

Hawke

KEATING

Howard

34

Duration (Days)

The average number of days in a campaign.

54

The length of this campaign

6

The number of double dissolutions in Australian history

34%

The number of people who don’t decide who they’ll vote for until during the campaign

Timing of the voting decision A long time ago During the election campaign

••

COMMENT

16

Issue 7, Vol. 71

Policy Analysis Working Group Piece #4

Social Policy and the Federal Election loren ovens

Social issues featured heavily in Australia’s last federal election, with the ALPs championing of marriage equality, and the Coalitions ever-present refrain of ‘stop the boats’. The upcoming July 2 election will be no exception and will see issues of marriage equality and treatment of asylum seekers amongst other issues, put to the electorate again.

liamentary vote within the first 100 days of coming to power.

Asylum Seekers The self-immolation of a young woman and man on Nauru in as many weeks, alongside the assertion by the PNG government that the detention centre on Manus Island must close, has ensured the issue of asylum seekers will feature prominently in the lead up to the July 2 election.

While traditional voter concerns centred on the economy will still dominate, younger voters are likely to look to party positions on social matters before casting their vote.

This article will sum up policy stances on three big issues these being, domestic violence funding, marriage equality and treatment of asylum seekers.

Domestic Violence The first issue of domestic violence took on unprecedented prominence in 2015. This was buoyed by the high profile cultivated by 2015 Australian of the Year and DV- survivor, Rosie Batty.

The Turnbull government responded with two key measures: a $100 million package dedicated to ‘women’s safety’, funding the creation of co-ordinated DV units around the country amongst other initiatives, and the recent ad campaign ‘stop it at the start’ which attempts to target societal attitudes that enable domestic violence to occur.

However claims by the government that domestic violence is a priority, have been marred by the lack of ad-

equate funding towards domestic violence services allocated in the May budget.

The budget allocated just $33 million in funding towards domestic violence services. This is far short of the $127 million that at least 80 community groups called for in March, needed for essential services alone.

The budget also failed to reverse cuts of 30% of the current Commonwealth funding of Community Legal Centres. Elena Rosenman, Executive Director of Women’s Legal Centre ACT said this funding had ‘helped women leave violent relationships’.

Moreover, the coalition earlier announced it would also scrap domestic violence leave for the public service, a move strongly denounced by the ALP and Australian Greens. Labor has promised they will ensure all employees - under the National Employment Standards - will be able to access five days of domestic violence leave. The Greens, have established a federal senate committee to examine links between entertainment and gendered violence, and also called for more funding for the sector.

Same-Sex marriage

Outrage at the treatment of asylum seekers in offshore processing facilities has been steadily growing over the past couple of years.

Supporters have flocked to defend asylum seekers including Baby Asha and joined campaigns calling on the Federal government to #letthemstay and #bringthemhere.

The three major parties are unlikely to release any changes to their marriage equality policies prior to the election, an issue it seems everyone but the Coalition has argued, should already have been put to a vote.

Yet both the Coalition and Labor have reaffirmed their commitment to offshore processing and turn-back of boats, highlighting deterrence to ‘people smugglers’ as a major factor behind their continuing support.

With current polling suggesting a majority of Australians support the legalisation of marriage equality, and new research suggesting a majority of both houses of parliament support same-sex marriage, the Greens and Opposition have called for the government to allow Parliament to vote on the issue.

These policies are in marked contrast to the Greens, who in April of this year outlined their plan to close offshore detention centres, limit the period of onshore detention and increase immigration to 50,000 refugees.

The Coalition however remains committed to a plebiscite, regarded by some as a delaying tactic and which is set to cost an estimated $160 million.

The Greens have long voiced their support for marriage equality in Australia. Labor has promised to introduce legislation allowing for a par-

There’s a stack of issues to consider before you cast your vote in less than two months time. Don’t forget when going to the polls, where you stand on these.

Cartoon by Harry Virs From Woroni, 1977

COMMENT

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

17

Policy Analysis Working Group Piece #5

Welfare Policy and the Federal Election Brody Hannan

‘Student Welfare’ is an issue that affects most young people – whilst there are many services provided to youth, this article will look at recent changes to youth allowance, relocation scholarships and start-up scholarships.

Assets Means Testing In November 2015 the Coalition Government adjusted the assessments of family assets - allowing students from asset-rich but cash-poor families to be eligible for Youth Allowance. To provide an example – previously youth whose families owned large farms, but had little cash flow, would often be ineligible for Youth Allowance and other welfare services due to their high value assets.

The change to this assessment hugely benefits youth from rural and regional areas, whose parents own large properties, allowing an estimated 4,100 more students to be eligible for youth allowance. Labor at the time was also in support of this Bill.

According to the Provision of the Bill made by the Community Affairs Legislation Committee, whilst the Greens support “measures that encourage rural and remote young people to be able to access higher education”, they did not support this particular Bill due to concerns that it would “enable wealthy families to manage their wealth so as to access a payment intended for lower income families”. The Greens recommended this Bill was “not the best approach”, and should at the very least have a review of these measures.

Reducing the Waiting Period Youth are able to avoid being assessed

under the Parental Means Test if they are determined to be independent of their parents. This is significant to all youth under the age of 22 as it can determine not only the rate of the payments, but also their eligibility to receive any at all.

The Department of Human Services classifies ‘independence’, among other criterion, as someone who is over 22 years, or has been working full time for 18 months over a period of 2 years.

ing for full-time work, are only eligible to receive Youth Allowance until they are 21.

This is of particular concern to students who take Gap Years – who after working full-time for over 12 months then enter university, only to find that they don’t meet the requirements of independence and are unable to continue to work full time to reach the full 18 month period.

According to Ms Fiona Nash, the Minister for Regional Development, the Nationals have been proponents for reducing the waiting period of Youth Allowance from 18 to 14 months. They suggest that 14 months of full time work is short enough to allow gap-year students who move from regional areas to cities, to be eligible for youth allowance. Nash argues that the status quo – forcing students to work full time for 2 years – will result in many not deciding to go to university.

Start-Up ‘Scholarship’ to Become Start-Up ‘Loan’

Whilst both the Greens’ and Labor’s stance on this issue was not available at the time of publication, the Liberal Party opposed this measure - failing to include it in the 2014/15 budget, despite the support of the Nationals.

Increasing the Ceiling on Youth Allowance Whilst youth studying or undertaking an apprenticeship full-time are eligible for Youth Allowance until they are 24 years old, youth who fit neither of these criteria, but are instead look-

In October 2015, the Coalition Government proposed a Bill to raise this ceiling on Youth Allowance from 21 to 24 years for all youth, not just those studying or undertaking apprenticeships full-time. According to APH Archives, this Bill was opposed by both the Greens and Labor.

In addition to receiving Youth Allowance, full-time students can also receive Start Up Scholarships form the Government, which are two payments of $1025 each semester, for each year of study.

In January 2016 the Coalition Government changed this scholarship to a loan of the same amount, which would be added onto a student’s HECs Debt.

Whilst the loan adds to the growing debt of students, the change to a loan has been projected to save the government $1.1 billion.

Whilst Labor have reversed their initial decision – and will now support the change to a loan, the Greens are firmly opposed to the change, arguing on their website that the scholarship is a “necessity” for most students on Youth Allowance.

Changes to Relocation Scholarship

The Relocation Scholarship is available for students who move out of home to study in another city, receiving over $4000 in their first year, followed by additional, reduced amounts in subsequent years.

According to the 2014 Budget, the Coalition Government moved to change the eligibility of the Relocation Scholarship - so that students moving between or within major cities, including Wollongong, Newcastle, the Gold Coast, Geelong and the Central Coast, for further studies were ineligible for the relocation scholarship. This was supported by the Labor Opposition. The Green’s meanwhile, announced they would oppose these changes, in a statement released on their website in the same year.

Whilst it could be argued that students from large cities do not need relocation scholarships if they were to move within the same city, opponents to the change argue that students from both cities and regional areas, have every right to receive support from the government if they decide to move from their hometown, regardless if it had a local university. Hypothetically – should a student who lives in Sydney, but wanted to come to the ANU, receive support from the government? The same support that a rural student would receive if they were to move to ANU for the same degree?

When it comes to the welfare of students, the policies of the various federal parties are far from polarising.

No one party is entirely for or against every single cut to welfare. Key issues this election will include changes to youth allowance, as well as relocation and start-up scholarships. Whilst these may seem like a lot of changes, they will have varying effects upon youth depending on the individual’s circumstances.

ANUSA

18

Issue 7, Vol. 71

WHAT IS ANUSA? The ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA) is the peak undergraduate body for students at the ANU. Eternally perplexed by what they actually do, Woroni went straight to the source, the elected representatives themselves, to ask what the ing deal is.

President

Ben Gill The President is also the CEO of the Association and is primarily responsible for the overall strategic direction, day to day management and the representation of undergraduate students to the University.

As the President sits on anywhere from 15 to 20 different University or Association committees, as well as working groups which arise from time to time majority of my week is spent either preparing for meetings or attending meetings. This function is of critical importance, as our ability to advocate and represent students is at its peak in the initial stages of discussion. Once an item has made its way to Academic Board or Council, it can be extremely difficult to successfully advocate for change.

Outside of meetings, the President manages and works closely with a team of 9 professional staff, the Executive and other Representatives to deliver projects and initiatives of value to the undergraduate student community. With respect to management of professional staff, this can include recruitment and termination, HR, professional development interviews, contract negotiations and more. As for Executive and other Representatives, this can include professional development, conflict resolution and strategic planning.

Overall, the role is compensated on a full-time basis (35 hours per week), though in reality is as large as the President wishes to make it. For context, over my 18 months as President, I have averaged 45-50 hours per week and have had close to 17 days leave

(of which you still need to be contactable). As such, in my experience given the high workload and unpredictable nature of the role, it can be extremely challenging to successfully complete more than one or two courses.

In summary, based on my experience I believe the ideal candidate would be someone who a) has a clear understanding of their motivations to do the role (this will help in the tough times) b) is willing to do no more than two courses each Semester c) enjoys big picture, process oriented thinking d) is comfortable in meetings (as they will become your life) e) is able to manage conflict (or willing to develop skills in his area) and f) recognises that no matter what their previous experiences are, they will never be fully prepared to undertake the role and as such will need to be willing to ask for help when needed and draw on the resources available.

If you are considering running for President I’d encourage you to get in touch with me at sa.president@anu. edu.au.

Vice President

role- you can make it what you (and your team) want it to be- but the lack of consistency does have its frustrations at times.

The amount of administrative duties you have as VP is something people often gloss over (and is also too boring to include in Woroni so if you want to know more- shoot me an email). Project work is the part of the job I think is the most enjoyable. The Mental Health Committee, de-stress initiatives for students, and overseeing the Brian Kenyon Student Space were all things I went into the role excited to do. Academic advocacy is one of the most time consuming, difficult, but rewarding parts of the role.

Again, these are the parts of the role that will swap and change based on who has been elected.

ANUSA Vice President is not a role you can go into with a set structure or plan in mind. How your role works in reality will depend heavily on how you divide up responsibilities with the President (hopefully you get in with someone pragmatic- there’s nothing in the constitution telling the President to play nice). You’ve also got to be willing to give your time to the role. Like the President, it can be as big or as little as you make it. On average, I would struggle to do a week’s work in any less than 30 hours. And it is worth every minute. If you think you’d like to give it a crack- send me an email at sa.vicepres@anu.edu.au and I’d be very happy to provide more detail!

finance officer. However, this does not mean the Treasurer can pass all their responsibilities onto the finance officer. Almost immediately upon being elected, the Treasurer and President will have to prepare the SSAF Bid for the following year (negotiations begin in October) and the budget. Both of these will heavily impact the effectiveness and projects the ANUSA team can do during their term.

Throughout the year the Treasurer has various financial statements which must be given to the University as per the SSAF Agreement, they must present the budget at the OGM and work closely with the Finance Review Committee/ the Student Association Finance Committee. Furthermore the Treasurer will handle sponsorship and should ensure the Association is update with financial governance and any relevant accounting standards.

Like most roles in ANUSA, being the Treasurer can be extremely rewarding and allows the individual in this role to pick certain areas/projects they are interested in. However, with an annual budget of $2 million is important the Treasurer continues to work closely with the finance officer and does not neglect their financial obligations.

Social Officer

Treasurer

Clodagh O’Doherty Most of the responsibilities of the ANUSA President and Vice President are interchangeable, and can be delegated at the discretion of the pair that is elected (with the exception of ANU Council). Since I have been at ANU, the role of ANUSA VP has been done differently by everyone who has held the position.

Your constitutional responsibilities are vague- which (IMO) makes this job the most fun (#notbiased #fulldisclosure). That is the beauty of the

Helena Hu

Sean MacDonald The Treasurer role can be a bit confusing, as the Association now has a

In 2015 I was a Gen Rep, and was a GAC officer at the end of the year.

So when I ran for Social Officer, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the role. 6 months onwards, I still cannot say with confidence that I have navigated the full extent of the job. When I came into

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

19

the role I didn’t quite realise how policy-heavy it would be, or how often I would be leading a team.

The Portfolio’s most important projects are O-Week, Bush Week, and the Grants and Affiliations Committee (GAC). However, as the constitution is not very specific, the role can encompass anything. This year I am helping oversee Sex and Consent Week, and Love Yourself Week which I introduced last year, and I am trying to reinvigorate the Social Committee.

I would highly encourage anyone with event organisation experience and a passion for social activities on campus to nominate for the role, especially if you’ve been a Club or Society Executive member. I would highly encourage any potential nominees to contact me to gain a better understanding of the position. If any women are interested in applying but are doubting their abilities, please know that this is due to the patriarchal confidence gap, and is not an accurate reflection of your suitability for the role.

General Secretary

Sam Duncan The role of General Secretary is described at section 14(10) of the Constitution. Unfortunately, like much of our Constitution, that section is particularly unhelpful. Here’s a quick summary of the role in practice and what you can expect if you’re elected.

The General Secretary is basically responsible for corporate governance and compliance. In practice, that means convening and chairing meetings as required by ACT law. I usually chair around three meetings each month, and it’s my job to give notice, prepare the agenda, monitor quorum and attendance, and ensure the meeting is conducted according to Standing Orders so everyone has a chance to be heard. After each meeting, I prepare minutes to record a basic summary of discussion, and make these available to all students.

The General Secretary has the final say in interpreting the Constitution, Regulations and Policy of the Association. So much of my job involves interpreting the Constitution and determining how to respond when issues arise. You must be prepared to

get hot and sweaty with this document because it holds all of the answers.

A lot of the day-to-day management of the Association rests with the General Secretary. While the President takes the lead on advocacy and staffing issues, I engage with all elected representatives to ensure everyone is complying with their specific responsibilities. I host elections throughout the year and work closely with the Returning Officer during the Annual Elections. This year, my main focus has been on reforming the Election Regulations, but the General Secretary can take on whatever projects they feel would benefit the Association.

Basically, if you’re into organisation, public speaking and thinking on your feet, the role of General Secretary might just be the challenge for you.

If you want a breezy two-day-a-week job, look elsewhere. If you’d like to find out more about the role or the Association generally, shoot me an email me at sa.gensec@anu.edu.au.

Education Officer

James Connolly The Education Officer deals principally with the Higher Education policy of the Association. They are responsible for organizing tertiary education campaigns as well as preparing submissions for relevant Government bodies on things such as housing, youth allowance, and HECS. As I perceive it, the role thus entails considerable flexibility owing to its reactive nature. Media representations, for which the Education Officer is mostly responsible, are sporadic, submissions are contingent on the Senate Standing Committee facilitating an enquiry and the nature of campaigning ought to be reflective of the Officeholder’s creativity and perception of student engagement. Whilst predominantly advocacy-based, the Education Officer also organizes and oversees the First Year Camps and the provision of certain services where relevant including enrolment forms and party policy information in an election year.

The role should attract candidates who have a strong interest in politics,

passion for Education policy and a capacity to organize engaging, creative campaigns. In my opinion, effective campaigning requires maximum mobilization thus an interest in means of internal and external coordination is appropriate. Ultimately, to the extent that the role lacks a yearlong model this requires strategic planning about the issues the Officeholder cares about and the finite resources they have to address them – the most pressing being time!

General Representative

ANUSA

got a great job on ANUSA - I get to do a little bit of everything! We often get called ‘barbecue officers’, a joke that definitely has some truth to it (I CAN cook a delicious sausage sizzle) but misses out on so much of what we actually do. We come up with our own projects and ideas, and help to fix issues facing students, but we also have a lot of freedom to jump into other areas. I’ll poke my nose into any ANUSA project and ask questions, throw in some suggestions, and move onto the next issue. In a way, my role is to work in the engine room of ANUSA - making sure everything’s running smoothly so we can serve students better!

College Representative

Raqeeb Bhuyan Hi, I’m an ANUSA General Representative and I ask questions. A lot of questions. “Wait, how much did you spend on that item?” “When was this being done?” “This is a silly way of doing things, why aren’t we doing this?” I often explain my role as one where I keep everyone else accountable, but no one seems to keep me accountable. Of course the latter is a half-truth, but the unstructured and flexible nature of the role means that I have ample time to stay on top of a broad range of issues happening around the Association and the University. If I ever find myself not knowing what to work on, I can stick my nose into various areas, see what’s up and wave my opinion around. If I find something that’s been overlooked or forgotten, I can call it out. Beyond all the complaining I do, I’ve found myself in a good place to suggest solutions, help implement them and be a part of the machine that hopefully sees ANUSA improve its services and ability to provide advocacy.“ General Representative

Zac Rayson Hi, I’m a General Representative. I’ve

Harriet Roberts Hi, I’m an ANUSA College of Asia and the Pacific Representative. My responsibilities involve a lot of organising – I help run the CAP Course Representatives Program, CAP First Year Camp, and a forum for CAP-related clubs & societies. But most importantly, I’m here to keep up to date with current affairs in CAP through attending Education Committee and College Board meetings, and then pass on important information to students. I like to see my role as being a bridge between students, ANUSA, and the College. This year, myself and the other CAP representative have spent most of our time advocating for students’ interests during the CHL review, through organising forums and preparing submissions for the CAP executive. Through these activities, my goal is to ensure CAP students have a fantastic experience within the College.

Comment

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Concerning Men Anonymous smokers, to die in a motor vehicle accident and to consume alcohol at a level that poses a “lifetime risk” according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. Men are far more likely to sustain an alcohol related injury, die from a drug-induced death, be overweight or obese, experience depression or acquire a brain injury. It therefore shouldn’t surprise anyone that men have to face the very real prospect of a shorter life expectancy.

The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of the Woroni editorial board or its associates Conventional wisdom has it that men, as a group, overwhelmingly and unfairly occupy a space of privilege in Australian society and across the Western World. The belief in systemic and entrenched Male Privilege is ubiquitous. Perhaps the most preeminent component of this notion is the claim that women are paid approximately 18.8% less for the exact same work in Australia. Politicians, reporters and commentators constantly repeat this claim. This statistic, however, is simply the comparison of average earnings between all women and men who work full time. It does not take into account an enormous number of variables, such as; occupation, hours worked, education and time spent in the workforce. Even the Australian Workplace Gender Equality Agency concedes that the wage gap “does not show ‘like for like’ pay gaps”. According to Christina Hoff Sommers, a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, when accurate comparisons are made the wage gap “narrows to the point of vanishing”. Moreover, common sense would dictate that if companies across the Western World could pay women less, then it would be financially advantageous to fire their male employees and replace them with female ones.

Those who support the notion of ingrained Male Privilege also point to the top echelons of power and wealth across numerous societies. Men do indeed disproportionately fill our parliaments, rich lists and boardrooms.

The current author sees no valid reason to defend this imbalance and would indeed support its correction.

The phenomenon rightly deserves considerable scrutiny given the significance and influence that these positions carry.

History is littered with examples of social imbalance in which privilege and opportunity were afforded to some, while being flagrantly denied to others. Among many nations, we should be proud of the achievements that equal rights movements have attained. This journey to highlight objectionable concentrations of privilege, however, has regressed in recent years. Specifically, in the context of contemporary Western, democratic society, the phrase ‘Male Privilege’ has lost any quality of discernment.

The phrase is bandied about with such frequency, used so excessively

Between 2003 and 2014, the National Health and Medical Research Council allocated $833 million to women’s health, and $200 million to men’s health over the same time period a stunning contradiction given the condition of men.

and applied so broadly, that its use has no intention to distinguish between the lived experience of some men and the rest. Furthermore, it is has now adopted an accusatory tone.

Use of the phrase tends to dismiss men’s issues while simultaneously charging an entire gender with the original sin of living with Male Privilege. It carries the subtle yet powerful insinuation of a society-wide and collective cultural crime for which men are required to repent.

Branding men as unfairly advantaged does not belong to the conceptual fringe; it is mainstream. Georgia Leaker at the SBS states that, “…just by being a man, you hold this nifty little key called male privilege”. Kim Susser at Huffpost Women asserts that, American society “gives men more power than people of other genders”. Sarah Le Marquand declares that every calendar day, aside from March 8th, is essentially International Men’s Day, and Sheree Joseph even goes as far as to claim that colder air-conditioning settings in office workplaces unfairly favour the metabolic rates of males.

MTV’s safe space program entitled, “Look Deeper” defines Male Privilege as, “the advantages granted to men within a society based on their

sex or gender that are usually denied to women.” So established is the idea of pervasive male entitlement, that complementary expressions have become a part of our everyday vernacular. A man might be asked to ‘check his male privilege’, or to refrain from ‘manspreading’ and ‘mansplaining’.

While in certain contexts any of these terms may be appropriate, their existence and clear pejorative implications stem directly from the wider mainstream narrative that men, as a homogenous societal group, are privileged beyond any other.

So, does the concept of ‘Male Privilege’ as described above accurately reflect the life of every man? Do the countless names of fallen men at war memorials around the country invoke a sense of entitlement? If Male Privilege is so entrenched and far-reaching in Australian life, why do men commit suicide in overwhelmingly higher numbers, year in year out? Apparently, society has been built by men and for men, yet it’s those same men who fill the majority of workplace related death and injury statistics. In fact, when it comes to health and welfare men lag far behind. Men dominate death rates in every age bracket from 15-19 years of age and upward. Cancer and heart disease claim mostly men. Men are far more likely to be

Over the past decade and a half males have consistently been less likely to participate in education. From childhood to adulthood a boy faces a greater chance that he will drop out, be suspended or be expelled from an educational institution. He is less likely to acquire a Higher School Certificate and less likely to go to University. Once at University he will experience an educational landscape in which his gender is the minority. His gender will be outnumbered at every level of educational attainment and in the majority of subject areas. He will learn that he carries a vast collection of unfair advantages yet simultaneously, be at a far greater risk of homicide, robbery, physical assault, incarceration and homelessness. Meanwhile, in the American context, there is even evidence to suggest that if a man does go to prison he will receive a harsher sentence for committing the exact same crime as a woman.

The accusation of Male Privilege is a grossly inaccurate one. It is incapable of accounting for the lived experience of men in our society. Members of all genders, sexualities, ethnicities, and socioeconomic backgrounds want to be understood on a nuanced and discerning level. The concept of Male Privilege is the exact antithesis of this. It simply does not match up with the world that men and boys are experiencing today. The concept of Male Privilege, as it is understood and applied in contemporary, Western, democratic society must be jettisoned, lest the challenges of our sons, brothers, fathers, boyfriends and husbands be overlooked and ultimately dismissed.

Artwork by Ed Condon

Features

22

Issue 7, Vol. 71

The Politics of Nostalgia – Coming To A Store Near You Alice Park

I was pushing my shopping cart through the supermarket the other day, and guess what I saw in the frozen foods section; next to Sara Lee was Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ range, fresh on the market. It was packaged, labelled and ready to be sold to the consumers of America.

Though it kills me to say this, I can’t help but admit that Trump is pretty good at his game - he is a real salesman, and he knows what he’s doing.

It is astonishing how far he’s gotten in the election, by practically reducing America to an item sellable over television, and it’s selling fast. It’s almost easier to think that voters are no longer voters, but vulnerable consumers.

So how is Trump doing this? What makes this Trump-branded America so attractive to Americans? Why do Americans want to ‘Make America Great Again’?

Nostalgia is an idea that is emotionally charged, and it is also one that is often utilised by politicians to get elected, or to sell policies. They sell a period in history when the problems of today did not exist, and then they promise to restore the past and gift us the things we have lost – feelings of familiarity, comfort and a idyllic fondness for the past. When we buy into nostalgia, however, it comes with a buy-one-get-one-free conspiracy that offers a fabricated explanation of why the past is indeed the past, and also seeks to point towards someone who is responsible for the loss. Individuals who feel insignificant and victimised by the dynamics and changes of modern society are those most likely to seek scapegoats to take the blame for what has been lost, and therefore are the target consumers for the rhetoric of nostalgia.

This idea is known as restorative nostalgia, specially made famous by Adolf Hitler’s Germany, whose strategies were endorsed by what UCLA historian Friedländer calls ‘redemptive anti-Semitism’. Hitler sold the idea that the national salvation of Germany could only be achieved through the complete expulsion and subsequent genocide of the Jews, who were the scapegoats to blame for the loss of Germany’s prominence, its defeat in World War I, and the following abolition of the Monarchy. The removal of all Jews, in the eyes of Hitler, would ‘Make Germany Great Again’.

Indeed, Trump’s nostalgic political

scenario has its very own cast of villains and vigilantes. Take for instance the most recent Mexican and Muslim cast in the story of Trump and the concrete Mexican Wall, not to mention previous cameo appearances of Japan, China, Italy and Ireland. But to clarify any misunderstandings, Trump’s story is more about fighting the enemies within and beyond US borders, than it is on nostalgic inspirations and hope for the restoration of greatness. More so, it isn’t even particularly clear as to what point in history he is specifically referring to when he says he will make America great again. Ultimately, the point is that his image of the future is not one that is new, but one that erases historical grievances, and is without discrimination, acts of violence and colonialism. It is one that forgets all historical contexts and legitimacy.

Trump’s own nostalgia refuses to admit the long history of migrant labour in the US. Nostalgia is planted in cherry-picked memories – we remember the things we like, and we erase the parts we don’t.

Indeed, nostalgia is a powerful emotion, a positive form of reflection, and is something we should indeed utilise.

Looking back fondly at the past, rather than with regret, is an invaluable optimism.

Nostalgia, however, should not guide choices in elections, whether it be a vote for the next president or vote for policies. Nostalgia is contingent, intangible and unreliable. The past that we long for now, may not have been so romantic back then. The emotions of happiness and fondness that we associate with past moments and memories may be wholly illusory.

Distorting past events to the point in which they become desirable once again, is a very dangerous practice to buy into.

onating with a third of the adults in America. This perhaps shows that many people in America (and this would reflect all other modern societies) are unhappy, and are without a sense of ‘togetherness’. Thus, Trump’s message that the American dream is dead, and his ‘telling-it-likeit-is’ image, has struck chords with many people. And he is right on some grounds: Americans still haven’t been able to recover from the trauma caused by the economic crisis in 2008, and are facing the widest income inequalities since the Great Depression. We are living in a patriarchal capitalist society that seems to associate only some birth with privilege, a world that seems to support and be moved by oligarchies, and a world that disadvantages those who already behind in this race, whether it be socially or economically. Even we as students face major cuts to education, the hurdle of the ‘expected 5 years experience’ in getting a competitive entry level job and the strictly ‘Australian citizens only’ sticker on every job recruitment advertisement which means no luck for our fellow international students. We are a generation disenchanted and broken by the frustrations that come from trying to be proper adults in a society that just doesn’t help.

Essentially, what are packed within the Trump’s ‘Together-We-WillAll-Be-Happy-Again’ messages, is not hypothetical visions, ambitious promises or wishful thinking, but rather is something that has already been done before. Trump in essence, is selling safety. He is selling the sure thing – the past that does not carry with it the risks that the unknown future holds.

We are unhappy - and it is exactly this feeling of dissatisfaction in the present that Trump hones into. He’s a salesman. What he offers as a relief to our dissatisfactions is his nostalgia of Great America: an America that is white, discriminatory and self-righteous. One that is ready to commit violence to keep its citizens safe, one that will ensure security by building a Mexican-funded hostile concrete wall along the US border, and one where a completely free-market healthcare system is accessible to everyone! Surely, we ought to know what a totally unregulated free-market can do – we ought to have learnt something from the Great Recession, as it is a classic example of what no regulation can look like.

The disheartening part about this, is that society has reached a point where these messages are res-

Trump may be telling some truth-as-it-is, and he may be cor-

rect to a certain degree to talk about politicians being some sort of puppets to interest groups - but Politifact has found that 78% of what comes out of Trump’s mouth is mostly false, wrong, false, and false. He claims to be an expert when he doesn’t have any expertise. He ‘went to an Ivy League school’, he’s ‘very highly educated’, and he knows words – ‘the best words’ – but at the end of the day, there is no better word than ‘stupid’ to describe some of the things he’s said.

Let us rise above the impossible expectations, unrealistic policies and nostalgia for a past that cannot be brought back. So the next time a polit ic i a n tries to sell some of his n o s t a lgic poli-

tics, we would all do best to reto check the date before into it.

member expiry buying

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Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

Features

Saskia Milne

become distorted to a level of perfection that only a place far off can uphold.

It is easy to become wrapped up in the past. Sometimes, the past is the exact security blanket that we need, but other times, our obsession with the joys of the past can start to minimize the joys of the present.

Although we are each nostalgic for different

times, our nostalgia will generally have one thing in common - at the time, we were unaware how special the time was for us, because we were living in the present. If there is anything we can learn from nostalgia, it is to appreciate the present for what it is. We need to treat the present with the respect we offer the past. After all, right now could be the time you become nostalgic for in the years to come.

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

The Rose-Tinted Lens of Nostalgia Steph kerr

When I was fifteen I went on exchange to Italy for six months. Whenever people ask me what the experience was like and I am forced to reflect on it, I am momentarily overcome with a wistful longing to be back there, in that exact time and place.

The moment I hear any of the songs that I used to listen to during that time, or smell the perfume my host-sister gave me for my sixteenth birthday, small snapshots of memories reel through my mind – and they are all incredibly happy.

I remember the cold winter mornings that would cake the roads so thick with snow that we could not go to school, and the comfort of staying inside with the family.

I remember picking fruit at the orchard behind our house. I remember the dizzy excitement of getting properly drunk at my first bar. I remember the freedom, and the sense that Italy had embraced me just as much as I had embraced it.

These memories were beautiful and I cherish them, but they are unquestionably riddled with nostalgia.

I never seem to meditate on how difficult it was to adjust so rapidly to a new lifestyle, how I barely spoke for a month because I feared my Italian was not good enough, or how displaced I sometimes felt. My memories of Italy have become more and more distorted by nostalgia over the years, to the point where I can no longer connect

with the feelings of hopelessness and isolation that I actually experienced over there.

has been lost, and will never be regained.

Nostalgia is able to have this powerful effect on us. It filters our perceptions of past experiences and people, eliminating the bad and glorifying the good. It is that warm, comfort-

Nostalgia was originally known as a ‘soldiers’ malady’, and was treated as a psychiatric disorder by Swiss mercenaries who were overcome with homesickness to the point of debilitation. It was termed in the seventeenth

ing rush when we look at a photo of a childhood holiday, where you may not remember that all your older siblings and cousins excluded you for two weeks, but you will remember the careless hot days at the beach and the fairy bread your mum would make in between cool ocean swims.

It is a glow that just as quickly dissipates and leaves behind a melancholy aching for something that was wholesome and good in our lives – but something that we will never be able to have again. It is not regret nor homesickness, but can be aptly described through the Portuguese and Galician word ‘Saudade’, which is a love and longing for something that

century from the Greek words ‘nostos’ – homecoming – and ‘algos’ – an ache or pain. Pining for the past was thought to be harmful, and nostalgia was condemned for being linked to depressive thinking. Nostalgia, however, has become a new field of psychological study, and has come to be understood as a defensive mechanism of the brain to resolve feelings of disconnectedness or meaninglessness.

Through connecting the past to the present, nostalgia is said to elevate empathy and connectedness, giving us a sense of direction when we feel lost, and showing us that our life is rooted in narrative, and not the random series of events we sometimes

feel it to be. Nostalgic memories are distinct from negative and bitter thinking about times in our lives that have passed, and the people we have lost. Instead, it serves to remind us of the intimacy and happiness we once achieved, and what we are therefore capable of in the future.

So when I think about my time in Italy, I won’t resist the warm happiness that floods my mind and the yearning I feel to relive that experience.

I will let myself be momentarily immersed in the joyous memories that are cherry-picked by my brain – maybe it does not reflect the entirety of my exchange, but it does remind me of the incredible connections I was able to make with so many other people, some of which transcended even the strongest of language barriers. I have since been back to visit my host-family in Italy, everything was familiar, and even the family cat Champagne seemed to remember me. Yet it was not how my nostalgic memories told me it should feel. I was unable to recreate the experience that I so often reminisced. The passing of time makes us unable to ever satiate nostalgic longings – and that is both the great beauty and pain of it.

Artwork by Emilio Elmowy

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Collage culture Alexandra Green

What are we if not nostalgic?

When I look back on past generations, not that I was alive or anything, my impression is that every generation has it’s own defining characteristics.

You can’t look 7 0 ’ s out

l o v e , peace, ‘trippy’ and ‘far out m a n’, a n d

at the w it hthinking of a cultural p h e n o m enon of hippies,

fashion that was defined by hard plaids, clunky shoes and flare jeans.

You can’t go past the 80’s without reminiscing about the hair, huge shoulder pads and block colours - everything was big, big, big. There was a fashion revolution sparked by new experiments in music - from Madonna in Material girl, who essentially founded legwarmers, to Michael Jackson and the quintessential one glove look that plagued that period.

Then we get to the 90’s, where the rap scene became mainstream and all kids grew up with NWA, Biggie and Tupac.

Then we get to the period we are in at the moment, and I do realise that I am meshing the past decades together as 2000- 2016. Let me begin by saying that the highest selling album between 2000 and 2010 was a rehash of the Beatles’ album ‘One’… that’s saying a lot just there.

For the past 16 years, youth culture has been focused on re-hashing trends from earlier generations. For me, trends in film and tography

t h e fashion, p h o -

have developed in the foreground of a persistent nostalgia for our parents’ generations. One second it’s black high waisted jeans and docs, reminiscent of the punk period that riddle the 90’s. Next it’s all about flares and suede, and everywhere I look seems to be homage to the Woodstock era.

It’s becoming increasingly common that I can venture into my Mum’s old closet and re-use outfits she wore when she was young. This is even apparent in the top buns and long hair that has become a statement piece of the trendy arts undergrad.

Even the movies on offer to us are a direct product of our nostalgia. The Monsters University movie was made 10 years after the original because Pixar identified our generation’s love for nostalgia, and knew that all who grew up with the film are now in university. Further, the mass of Facebook and Instagram pages dedicated to Nickelodeon shows and characters from the 90s resulted in the Teen Nick rebroadcasting the shows between midnight and 4am to target adult viewers. Even Netflix is responding to our nostalgia by creating remakes of classics such as Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events, Gilmore Girls, and even the return of Full House.

Is our gene r at i o n’s current fixation with the past normal?

When asking myself this question I couldn’t help but take a pessimistic view. The reason we are so nostalgic for the past is because of the lack of opportunity that awaits us in the future. For example, it cost our parents’ generation an average of 2.25 times their hou sehold income to

buy a house, compared to the 4.3 times we now face. Further, as a law student I can’t help look bleakly at my future given there are so many law graduates and not enough jobs.

Lastly, and scariest of all, is the blatant reality of climate change and the detriment it is causing to our planet, and will continue to cause.

So perhaps our need to constantly reminisce about the past is because out generation is too scared to look to the future. Although this to me makes total sense, I don’t think, however, that it is the only reason we are so nostalgic, nor do I believe we have hit a stagnant point with our creativity as a generation.

In Simon Reynold’s book ‘Retromania’ he suggests that these ‘transformative decades’ - the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s - are over, but does this mean we have entered into decades that are no longer transformative, exciting and unique? I don’t think so. Perhaps we’re not actually any more nostalgic then our parents’ generation, it is just that the Internet has made nostalgia all the more apparent. Digital media makes it so easy to reminisce on the past – we can post, re-tweet, re-hash and re-design past pop culture trends. You only need to do a quick Google search of ‘past trends of the 90’s’ and you’ve got a plethora of ideas to work with for the future. History is so important, even in pop culture. It’s important to steer us away from making the same mistakes again, and also, with hindsight, allows us to see what worked.

So perhaps we are no less creative, it’s just that given the wealth of creativity that these past generations have developed, it wouldn’t make sense not to use these ideas and enhance them for the future.

So, in summation, yes our generation is fixated on nostalgia, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so long as we use our love for the past to develop new ideas for our future.

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

It’s what you make of it Catherine Radisich

Do you remember when you were a kid and there were those stinking hot days that lasted forever? But just when you thought you were going to absolutely die from boredom and sweaty armpits, the ice cream truck music found its way lovingly into your ears and sent you into an excited frenzy.

Remember that feeling of elation? I do, and even now it gives me a secret smile. It’s a warm and fuzzy memory, a sweet morsel from the past - I call it nostalgia.

There are other kinds of nostalgia too. When you get the flu as a grownup and are a long way from home, you often remember how that special adult from your childhood would make you a special soup and tuck you up into bed – this is nostalgia too. Nostalgia is that feeling of longing to be somewhere cosy and safe. This can give you comfort, or it can make you feel even more alone than you already are.

In that week when you know that you’re going to fail all your exams and that life will be over, the memory of the brilliant goal you scored, or that awesome birthday party you had, can change your whole p er-

spective, because inherent to that memory is the knowledge that you ARE good at things when you try, and you ARE important to someone.

This is nostalgia of the useful sort.

When you crash your bike or lose your best friend’s favourite book, then you may also have nostalgic moments of the helpful variety. This kind of nostalgia happens to me all the time… ‘Why can’t I just get things done on time? I wish I could be more organised. I’m hopeless!’

You may remember the time when you broke your mum’s favourite vase or forgot your sister’s birthday? This will make your feelings of inadequacy even stronger. When I do get things done, however, I tend to remember another time when I did something well, a time which generates the same great feeling as the one I am having at that moment.

Yes indeed! Nostalgia is a dynamic entity. You can utilise it to succeed, or it can you feel like you want the world to open up a hole for you to crawl into.

The word nostalgia has Greek origins,* and was used to describe a type of homesickness that was in fact a diagnosed illness a

long time ago – we don’t diagnose people with nostalgia any more, however, because there are many other psychological reasons for feelings of inadequacy. I think there is a sound argument for this diagnosis being mistaken for regret. Regret is also a basis for feeling melancholy and thus infers a negative connotation. Regret brings with it negative emotions such as guilt, inadequacy and a deep desire to change the past. Therein lies the problem with some types of negative nostalgia – they can bring you down and stop you from chasing your dreams.

My Dad is visiting at the moment. He is turning 80 soon. He sits and tells me stories about all the kinds of experiences he has had in his life - he is a very nostalgic person AND a great story teller. He also, however, has no regrets. While he acknowledges mistakes and errors of judgement, he knows the past is unchangeable, so dwelling there would not be useful. I asked him what his definition of nostalgia was and he answered, “When I listen to my records at home, ever yo n e com-

plains because they don’t like my music, so I put my headphones on and blow my brains out (meaning he turns up the volume very high). It’s actually better that way because I close my eyes and go back to the time when I saw Frank Johnson and other musicians live. It really makes me happy because I it was one of my favourite things to do when I was young. Then I finish listening and pack it all away and go dancing to the kitchen for a cup of tea. The rest of my day is gravy.” Haha! That’s how I try to use my nostalgic moments. To remember the good feelings I got from experiencing things in the past, and then try to make my present day experiences elicit those same feelings.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a great day! Today is your chance to look back on a time with nostalgia; it could give you access to love, friendship, success and happiness, or it generate feelings of regret, inadequacy, low self-esteem and stop you from living YOUR dream. I know which memory moment I want to keep! Hope you have as much fun with making those moments as I do. * Editor’s Note Nostalgia is actually a borrowed word from Latin (so says the etymological entry in the Oxford English Dictionary), but in the modern sense its meaning is from the 18th century. Daniel

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The Economics of Nostalgia Mayra Escobedo The name of this adventure could be aptly titled ‘Myra takes Canberra’ – if stylized in lucrative Kardashian, English-speaking reality-show fashion.

As I got off the plane at Canberra (soon-to-be International) Airport, my lungs felt at ease or more like nirvana at yoga retreat, just breathing the crisp, cool Aussie summer air.

This singular moment provided me with warmth and familiar comfort in a strange and perplexing way, given how un-familiar I was with Canberra and Australia. Little did I know of what would await me in the coming hours, days, and weeks.

“Nostalgia” is a cognate. You see, the word itself is spelled the same in English as it is in Spanish. In much the same way that the word is spelled the same across both languages, the feelings invoked by nostalgia are culturally transcendental and thus, can be felt universally.

If there is one word that best describes my first few weeks in Oz – it’s nostalgia, with a touch of panic from time to time. Let’s just say that some, somewhat fairly dodgy, interesting, and in restrospect, comical situations occurred within my first weeks of arriving in the sexy Australia.

“Why Australia?” “That’s very far away!” These questions and com-

ments were all too common before I was to come over here. My Mum, Dad, mates and family were similarly shocked when I proclaimed that I wanted to attend Uni in Canberra.

Who knew where Canberra was?

None of them! Because, let’s be honest, what is ‘Straya known for other than its majestic beaches, mega-cute wildlife, and its contribution to world-history as the birthplace of the genetically-gifted Hemsworth brothers?!

So after a few history lessons for myself and everyone involved, mostly clarifying that neither Sydney nor Melbourne were indeed the capitals of Australia, the term ‘Canberra’ was slowly implanted in our familial vocabulary.

Canberra – home to the ANU, one of the most research-intensive Group of Eight universities in the world? Nope, I’m afraid this fact still isn’t quite as well known as Thor and TV’s Animal Planet!

The whole decision of going overseas was difficult to take. As my Economics professor likes to say, “Life is all about decisions and those choices involve gauging whether there is an opportunity cost. Only then can we think like an economist!”

So I’ve finally calculated what would’ve been the Opportunity Cost of not coming to ANU: O.C. = not meeting the awesome mates I’ve so luckily gotten the chance to bond with over shared interests and passions!

Whether through clubs and societies, volunteering at a local church, a local food-co op, my academic tutoring and classes, I’ve taken every chance I’ve gotten to integrate and, quite honestly, it’s made my trip so much fuller and richer! Thus, while being an international student away from home brings its own set of challenges, with this crazily fun experience also come loads of rewarding moments.

The connections one makes are so nourishing and inspiring for the soul!

Before coming to Canberra, I had some idea of what uni in Australia could offer, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect this adventure to unravel that way it has. Life has a way of making you learn, that you can plan for everything and still be surprised! The spontaneity of life is indeed where true beauty lies!

In sum, ANU has turned out to be the best home away from home I could’ve possibly imagined. My ANU “familia” is really the cutest!! Whilst my friends come from a range of nationalities and speak many different

languages, we all share more things in common, and we have heaps of fun and banter when we get together.

So, if you ever see me or another exchange student on campus, please say Hola! Do reach out, because there’s so many of us fellow internationals that know what it’s like to move a couple of oceans (or in my case continents) away from home! You are not alone in this integration struggle!

By the same token, to any of those local students contemplating exchange – do it! There is nothing but good memories to take from it!

P.S. Special thanks to everyone that’s made this experience so welcoming; my fellow international friends, study mates, my SR and RAs & staff at UniLodge, the librarians at Chifley, and the guy at Zambrero for having an awesome spiel on how that Mexican-casual chain was founded! You know who you are, dude – you rock!!

And special thanks to my Australian domestic mates, who patiently answered every one of my probably tourist-level ignorant dumb questions and helped me compile my list of Aussie vocab. See you in beautiful Mejico!

Nos vemos pronto!

Always Another Castle Shankar Ravikumar

Nostalgia.

When I first heard that word, I thought it was doctorspeak for a blocked nose.

It certainly didn’t sound attractive to me, although it’s apparently quite a popular term. Even learning its actual meaning didn’t change my view. I was a kid, after all. What did I have to be nostalgic about? I did a complete volte-face later that year, and nostalgia has remained one of my favourite words ever since.

Most people, on hearing the word nostalgia, recall fond memories. Me? I recall a dream. In it, I was in a vast crystal palace on a disappearing island in a lake. There was a princess too, who is still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, yet could never describe. I knew I couldn’t stay there.

So I swam to the lakeshore, walked through the door of the nearest house, and fell right back to reality.

It was a childish dream really, and one I probably only recall the last bit of. Years later, I realized that the silly thing must’ve been inspired by my Super Mario game. Yet I get no nostalgia for Super Mario, but for something even less real – a world that existed for but a fleeting moment in one little boys’ head. That palace and the inhabitants didn’t just disappear, they went somewhere. Somewhere I couldn’t go, despite desperately wanting to.

The actual subject of nostalgia, if it

ever existed, could never live up to the version we have of it, but that’s beside the point. Nostalgia is a feeling, not a memory, and, unlike memories, it crystallizes over time. Indeed, fading memories only seem to cement nostalgia further. Did I ever actually have that dream? Does it matter? As the novelist Carson McMullers said, “We are homesick most for the places we have never known.”

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Pollen – Collecting Tiny Pieces of Story Jesse Zondervan What are pollen and what is the story they have to tell us? In this article I will take you on a journey through the world of palynology and show you how ANU is right now recovering an unparalleled archive of natural history from Lake George, on the doorstep of Canberra. Comments are given by Dr Janelle Stevenson from the ANU Department of Archaeology & Natural History, Professor Bradley Pillans from the Research School of Earth Sciences and Dr Nicholas Matzke, a postdoctoral scientist at the Moritz lab for Biogeography and Conservation.

We like to surround ourselves with plants; most likely this is a primitive instinct. We are familiar with most of their shapes as we grow up with them, but there’s one crucial aspect of plants that we don’t really see: pollen.

Every year plants release millions of tiny grains containing male sperm cells, so tiny (about 300 fit on a 1mm pin head), that we’re not aware of all the pollen constantly floating around us in the air.

It was not until the 17th century, with the development of the microscope, that English physiologist Nehemia Grew discovered that pollen have a lot of different shapes, which are related to their species. What he didn’t know yet was that this formed the basis of an important branch of geological and geographical science: palynology.

“Particularly for the first time, you’re often astounded at this beautiful array of different shapes and sizes and ornamentation that the pollen grains have.” - Dr Janelle Stevenson Considering a single pine tree can produce up to 1 to 2 kg of pollen per season, it is not surprising that the majority of pollen don’t pollinate, but fall to the ground. Preserved in layered lake and river sediments, these can be recovered and used to reconstruct past landscapes. In addition to this, pollen studies are also an important driver in treatment of hay fever, and can be used in forensic studies.

To plan for the future, we need to account for future climate change. To understand how our biosphere will react we can look into the past. You just have to look for the invisible pollen.

“One of the amazing things in palynology, I always think, is that from a tiny sample we can reconstruct a whole environment.” - Dr Janelle Stevenson Before the beginning of the Ice Ages, large parts of the Northern Hemisphere, including Europe, were covered with the famous Sino-American flora. In its main composition, this flora is still present nowadays in Japan, China and North America. During the sequence of ice ages called the Pleistocene, ice forced this flora to move southwards. Unlike in North America and Asia, the East-West oriented mountain ridges and Mediterranean on the European continent presented barriers to southward-migrating flora, causing a decline in Sino-American flora with each Ice age. Given every ice age caused a decline in this plant community, Europe has been a very good place for palynologists to identify successive glacial cycles.

“That’s because there’s a range of tree species in particular that almost follow a succession of recolonisation after major glacial periods. And so you can trace this same succession of recolonisation through each of the interglacial cycles. That’s very distinctive.” - Professor Bradley Pillans A complicating factor, however, is that at no one place is there a complete Pleistocene succession. It required a fair dose of acumen to collect the necessary pieces of information and to produce a general cohesive picture out of them. So why do we do this?

The implication of this type of research is global. We keep crossing planetary boundaries, defined by Earth system scientists as the safe op-

erating space of humanity. Three of these are; climate, the nitrogen nutrient cycle and biodiversity.

“There are many scientists that are concerned that we’re making irreversible changes to the biosphere and that we’re approaching a critical point where the decisions we make in the next few decades could have a huge impact on where we end up in terms of the outcomes.” - Dr Nicholas Matzke Primary productivity is the total rate at which the ecosystem captures and stores carbon as plant biomass.

About half of an apple is carbon and it is produced by plants.

Studies of Primary production using satellites since the 1980s reveal that humans currently use 40% of this production, leaving only 10% of harvestable production available. And this might not even be the only obstacle to our future sustenance! Researchers from the biological, environmental, ecological, geographical and chemical sciences come together to explore our planetary boundaries. Their verdict: the limits for freshwater use for irrigation as well as disturbance of nitrogen and phosphor nutrient cycles have already been reached, we need to get by on less fertilizer and water.

“It is worth having scientists think about the big picture about those things. And to make balanced estimate of the range of things that could happen. An important point of the tipping point oracle is: what are the areas where there could be a non-linear response, where a series of small decisions could add up to a big effect that we didn’t realise?” - Dr Nicholas Matzke

This was exactly what Lennart von Post did when he counted pollen types through layers in peat cores from around Sweden. In 1916 he published the first pollen diagrams. Pollen diagrams show the change in abundance of plant types through a location’s natural history.

At The Australian National University, palynologists are unearthing the vegetational history of nearby Lake George. Since its discovery, the lake has often surprised people, as lake levels fluctuate and even drop to nought. It, however, is a perfect rain gauge for the area, and so a good regional climate record.

“The lake floor preserves a long sedimentary history: it holds the longest sedimentary record of any lake in Australia. We now know it goes back four million years. Long records like that are unusual in the world.” - Prof.

Brad Pillans “The original record was a much more peripheral record and so it had a lot more periods of drying out and desiccation. It has lots of gaps in it, whereas in the current core the sedimentation seems much more continuous and has fewer missing periods of time.” - Dr Janelle Stevenson “We think that, with the new core and with some new cores that we plan to drill, we will have an unparalleled record.” - Prof. Brad Pillans Pollen, while invisible, gives us a wealth of useful information; from landscape reconstruction, to climate records, to ecological insight on the timescale of ice ages – a it is all floating in the air like tiny pieces of story.

NOTES: A podcast on this story, which was broadcasted by Woroni Radio, is available now from Soundcloud and the documentary video can be found on YouTube.

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Features

My Nostalgia…

Morgan Alexander Those long summer evenings that never seemed to end. When the day declines after an afternoon seeped in honey, the air sweet and viscose from the long hours of sunshine. Everything is still, quiet in the thick atmosphere, slow motion, no breeze, laziness. Slurp on a lemon icy pole, try to outpace the melting rate. Bare feet. Fly a kite in the street, pavement still hot. You go to the park after pies and chips, because the sky is still light enough. Play on the swings, go higher and higher, the person pushing you running under, lifting you above their head, throwing you toward the sky. Little fists clutching cold chains, weightless for a moment. Going home, you ride on someone’s shoulders and steer them with your hands on their head, turning them left and right. Smell of the trees, sound of the crickets. Bunk-beds and warm covers.

Sleep.

Eben Leifer Upon the topic of rose tinted histories I have something to say. As a child born quite literally on the other side of the world, who took a journey he was not quite ready for from his home to a strange land, my memories of the UK are somewhat fondly remembered. The streets of paving stones and concrete that ran adjacent to the houses whose red bricks shone in the twilight hours. Or the big blue door that stood as a silent guardian over the home at number 44 Woodland Rise where I grew up.

Even the Schoolyard bully is remembered with an absence of dislike, rather, he is treated in my memory as an endearing figure akin to a friend.

Not unlike many others, I feel I idealise the past as the times before life was complex and difficulty, harping back to a simpler time when as a child my biggest responsibility was to turn down the right street. It is in no small part, probably because the massive change of moving country and arriving somewhere no less than a 21-hour flight from the familiar is a lot for a seven-year-old to comprehend.

Either way, it is those moments of childish nativity I spent growing up in the urban jungle that I recall tenderly.

I doubt I could draw a poor memory about it even if I tried. But in truth I think nostalgia is overrated, little more than us wishing for that which we can’t have. So sometimes we must return to the case those rose-tinted

glasses and instead face today with a vision of hope that one day we may revisit this moment without them.

By Mark Han I walk down the same paths, out of habit and out of certainty. I see the same fixtures on it, I know where I turn, I know where to walk, and I know where to stop. Then I turn around and I walk back in the same manner, only in reverse.

Everyday I would do roughly the same routine. Everyday I’d look for something new. If insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result - then why do we sometimes want to do the routine that we’ve always done, just to live it all over again?

Doesn’t it get brutally inane after a while? Maybe you don’t even notice what happens around you as you mindlessly walk towards the next destination. 10 A.M tutorials on Tuesday, then another at 11, then lunch etc. Why would I miss that when I leave this university? It’s insanity.

It’s because of the little moments of difference that brands the memory. The time the girl you had a mad crush on smiled at you from afar at the Refectory. The time you pushed your mate into the bushes, and he promptly replied by dragging you in as you tried to help him up. Or the time when your tutor decided to play Japandroids while you’re doing a quiz.

This is nostalgia. A beautifully insane ideal juxtaposed against the mundane grind of daily life.

Caroline Hendy Can you have nostalgia for something you can’t even remember? Nostalgia for a feeling? For a while now I’ve been having flash-backs to when I was about 5 or 6, playing with some sort of fabric toy. I can’t remember what the toy was – all I remember is Velcro on the back of a tiny fabric flower… The memory is so faint, I can’t grasp it properly, and every time I get closer to remembering it seems to slip away again. But what I can remember is that that toy, whatever it was, made me so happy. My one mission in the world was to attach that flower to something, or perhaps put it into a fabric pocket somewhere…

I can’t remember my mission exactly, but I know I was successful – again and again. That’s what I long for: the joy of having one task, one toy, one mission and having absolute faith in my ability to complete it. Lovingly.

Jean-Luc PrasopaPlaizier Oh nostalgia… those bitter sweet days of warm sunny days and fluttering chilly breezes. Oh nostalgia, those days of sudden sunshine, endless rain and the sound of thunder rolling over the hills. Oh the days of umbrellas, raincoats and mud caked up to the ankles. Those days of youth looking upon the green hills of Somerset, showered with warm rays of sunlight through the dark rain clouds.

Oh youth, the days of freedom, the days of skipping sports days and classes.

The days of running through the hallways from teachers and of standing in the hallway, afterwards, being told off. Oh the days of staying up late, sneaking out of bed to escape to the sleepless nights. Those nights filled with the wonder of the stars and the heavens above. The days of having no worries of what the future may entail, a simple time, a happy time. Oh how I miss those days of youth, those days of fun and adventure.

Yet as much as I miss youth I embrace each day as they come. Youth although nostalgic only passes as a flicker in the grand scheme of things. Oh how I wish to dream again of green hills and starry skies.

Lucy Holm My mother is the best person in the world. She is funny, witty and kind, and she also thinks that I am hilarious. I’m nostalgic for all the time we used to have to hang out together and banter. We live in different cities now. She does French and pottery classes, and is currently getting into Game of Thrones with my Pa. We call each other every second day to catch up and shoot the breeze, but I’ll still always have nostalgia for our chats after school, when she used to pick me up EVERY SINGLE DAY. Happy (belated) Mothers Day Madre.

Features

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

Why nostalgia doesn’t work for me: A side-step into my mental illness Shae Maree Nicholson

Mental illness and nostalgia have been linked since the term was coined; the word breaks down into the Greek words nostos meaning homecoming, and algos meaning pain, which isn’t surprising considering why the term was brought about.

Prior and post to the term being coined by a Swiss Physician in the 17th century, nostalgia was actually treated as a mental illness. Luckily I wasn’t getting nostalgic to the sweet jams of Boys II Men back then, because treatments involved inciting pain and terror.

Nostalgia comes with a look on the past that’s similar to the weird sort of obsession you often have for people you like; they’re wonderful, they can’t do no wrong and you’re blind to their flaws. Nostalgia has never been a good thing for me. I’ll start thinking about ‘the good old days’ and wonder why those days aren’t the ones I’m facing now. I wonder at what point I stopped enjoying my life. Granted, I have depression, among other fun things, but I have to wonder if nostalgia ever gets like this for others, particularly for those of us that have mental health issues.

Nostalgia has the capacity to enable people to process their past in a safe way, and it’s often used as a way of combating mental health issues – but I think it’s my mental health issues that actually prevent me from utilising this avenue of treatment.

Sometimes I’ll look at old photos or remember something from when I was younger, and I’ll begin the cycle of yearning for whatever it is I’m thinking about. Like being in High School for example, I’ll think about fun times I had, or any good aspect of it, and wish I were back there. I’ll become completely blind to the reality of that time, I wont think about the bullying or my home situation, I’ll just think about how much I wish I was back there. So quickly nostalgia turns into rumination. I’ll find myself obsessing over whatever I was nostalgic for,

and s o with it go over aspect memory then critcise my current self a c c o r d i n g l y.

Whether it be my body, my grades, my

personality, I’ll find something. I will utilise

I

will be consumed that I’ll every of my and i -

the past to criticise my present.

Nostalgia isn’t like this for everyone, nostalgia can actually be really comforting for some people. Not for me though, for me, nostalgia is far from the warm feeling some people describe it to be. Many people love to go through old photos on Facebook and share their memories online trying to evoke t h e same

feeling in others, but it is so hard for me to look back that I would rather Facebook just not. I’m at a point where I’m so sick of seeing friend’s stories and ‘3 years ago today’ posts it’s so stagnating and let’s be real, I do get super jealous when a group of friends share a photo/memory that I’m not involved in their nostalgia is my isolation.

I think for me, I just need to focus on the present.

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Features

Features

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

BNOCs of the 1970s Where are they now?

There’s hope for us all. Salvation is at hand. Success will be yours…just give it some time. You might be an impoverished, scruffy and absent-minded student now, but given time it seems things will work out (no promises).

Woroni has been rummaging around in our archives for some BNOC’s circa 1970 and with a bit of sneaky googling, linked-in-lurking and amateur detective work found out where a few of them are now.

Jon Nicholson

Phil Dickie

Gabrielle Antolovich

Richard Refshauge

1977

President of ANU Student Association

Now

Chairman of the Westpac Foundation (Previously CSO at Westpac, Senior Vice-President at Boston Consulting Group and a Senior Private Secretary to Bob Hawke).

1977

Women’s Officer

Now 1977

Editor of Woroni

Now

Head of Issues Management, WWF (Previously a Walkley award-winning journalist who helped expose corruption in Queensland).

President, Billy DeFrank LGBT Community Centre

1977

President of ANU Student Association

Now

Judge, ACT Supreme Court

From the archives: Woroni in 1977 Articles and cartoons from the past

Arts & Reviews

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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PROOF OF PROOF Paroksh Prasad The smorgasbord of entertainment options available for millennials is vast. From television, to smart phone applications, to reading the hard copy of Woroni, we have countless ways in which to spend our spare time (instead of actually studying). There is one form of entertainment media, however, the popularity of which has been decreasing consistently since the days of yore. I speak of the theatre. Now, I quite understand that the mention of the word recalls memories of Ms. Darbus from High School Musical but the magic of theatre is definitely one to behold; particularly in the form of NUTS’ production, Proof.

The story of Proof is one unlike any other I’ve ever seen. It is situated in a life quite similar, yet distant, to our own. The story is told of a university mathematical genius who battles with mental illness while attempting to maintain his intellectual “machinery”. Although the idea of maths in a play may not entice all theatre-goers, the script balances its references to explicit mathematical content with the way in which characters explore

the idea of the rational mind’s conflict with its emotional counterpart.

Moreover, as any good play includes, there is a touch of comedy and romance – perhaps a bit too much PDA in my personal opinion – to broaden its horizons.

Proof takes place in a long-gone era and goes through multiple time frames involving hallucinations, flashbacks, and the present day. The masterful script easily asserts context, in addition to the use of costume and prop changes; a credit to the production team. As I walked in to the rather intimate playhouse, I was faced with a simple, but effective set, which takes the form of a back porch. The proportions of the props to the stage were, in a word, perfect. There was enough colour to brighten the simple layout and the addition of props to the different scenes provided clues to the context. A significant mention must also be made to the lighting team who transformed the same back porch to be the scene of an array of events.

However, above all, credit must go to the acting quartet. For novices at a university, the level of professionalism was phenomenal. Catherine, the protagonist, the daughter and carer of a mathematical genius, played by Isobel Nomchong, settled into her role as the scenes proceeded and by the ending, cemented herself as the star of the show. Eldon Huang, portrayed the geeky but bright protégé, Hal, Catherine’s father and perfected the element of awkwardness to an astonishingly natural level. A high commendation must also go to first-timer Amy Jenkins, who renders the role of Claire, Catherine’s interfering sister from abroad, with extreme ease; her vocal tones and body language were immaculate. Finally, Robert, the genius himself, played by Michael Hingston, was depicted conscientiously, as must be the case when a youth acts as a sick, aged gentleman.

The cast definitely brought the story alive and their efforts were inspiring.

to Zoe O’Leary Cameron and Ria Pflaum for their accomplishments.

The fiery passion of the team collectively manifests on the stage and if all else fails, this is reason enough to watch the piece.

It is with a pang of despair that I conclude this review as the future of NUTS and the ANU Arts Centre remains uncertain. I hope sincerely that this production helps NUTS to fight the good fight and come out on top.

A great deal of labour has gone into the production and direction of Proof and I offer a hearty congratulations

PARKING AVAILABLE MONDAY - FRIDAY OPPOSITE ANU AT PRIVATE TURNER RESIDENCE NEAR BARRY DRIVE ANU. 5 MINUTES WALK TO ANU AND 15 MINUTES WALK TO CIVIC. COST $50 PER WEEK FOR MONDAY - FRIDAY. CONTACT SUKHPAL MOBILE 0437 861 213.

Issue 7, Vol. 71

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Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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Arts & Reviews

THERE’S NO NEED TO GO SOUR OVER BEYONCÉ’S SWEET LEMONADE Ruben Seaton It seemed too good to be true that we could go more than four months without another controversy surrounding the youth radio station triple j. And it was; just as people seemed to forget their outrage that The Rubens won the Hottest 100 (what? An all-white male five-piece rock band? Who would have thought?!), trouble has been stirred again. In a clear act of defiance towards the omniscient altrock gods, triple j has been tainted by the poppiest of all pop stars: Beyoncé.

You’ll probably learn all you need to know about Lemonade from a handful of Buzzfeed articles about “Becky with the good hair”, however let me say this: it is a near exceptional album in terms of scope and ambition and should be respected regardless of one’s taste. Nestled beside a juicy selection of alt-pop tracks is a booming anthem featuring acclaimed rapper Kendrick Lamar (‘Freedom’) and four minutes of distorted fuzz rock written by the guy who made ‘Seven Nation Army’ (‘Don’t Hurt Yourself’). Normally indie music fans would be receptive to an album whose album credits include the likes of Vampire Weekend, Father John Misty and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs; it therefore seems ridiculous that when you slap Beyoncé’s name on it, triple j touching it would be considered heresy.

The injection of mainstream artists into triple j’s rotation is the latest case in the long study of a much deeper issue that has been simmering over the last decade: what is the role of alt music services? Those critical of pop artists taking a stronger place on triple j would cite the glory days of the station: the ‘90s, where the festival circuit was ruled by grunge rock, unwashed hair and sub-$40 cigarettes.

However, this era is over, and for triple j to stay there would be to surrender their whole purpose for existence.

Triple j is defined by its relevance – its relevance to the modern Aussie, but the pendulum has shifted from parties being soundtracked by Weezer and The Smashing Pumpkins to Flume and Diplo. This needn’t mean the station must change its playlist to please the Top 40 – there’s already a booming market for that – however

triple j’s status of providing an alternative music network requires them to be willing to recalibrate their genre weighting to continue to engage their audience.

Avoiding artists or genres completely simply because they are popular would isolate Richard Kingsmill &

co. as a fringe band of elitists instead of a loudspeaker for stimulating, thought-provoking content of a wide variety. Triple j should be able to play songs that they believe have musical integrity and/or contribute to social discourse. Beyoncé is played on triple j, because she has both.

There will always be a place for rock on triple j, however as the musical tastes of the masses progress, it is necessary for the station to as well. It would be an ordeal to list all of the genre-bending artists that triple j has unearthed from expanding their boundaries - and the Australian music fan base is all the better for it. If anything, this transition through the 21st century marks the station’s heyday, with huge ratings jumps and a plethora of new and engaged listeners. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to listen to Lemonade again.

WORONI RADIO PLAYLISTS: NOSTALGIA Brendan Keller-Tuberg, Annelise Corey, Molly McLaughlin & Mark Wilson This one is for anyone who grew up begging their parents for the latest So Fresh CD way back in the early 2000s. We’ve sifted through all your submissions (and were forced to make some very tough decisions!) in compiling some musical gems, so you don’t have to. People have sent these songs in for a multitude of identifiable reasons – these songs take us back to high school days, first loves, old friends, family road trips, home, and even the turning point in a battle with depression. We’d like to take this time to thank everyone for their submissions and sharing their stories with us: it was a real privilege to hear from you and be able to choose songs meaningful to the ANU community.

Hopefully you will know every word to every song on this playlist, and it will make you feel that thing we call nostalgia, as you work towards the exam period! For the first time ever, these playlists are available on Spotify as well as YouTube, so more of you, can more easily, give them a listen.

Look forward to another series of topnotch playlists next semester!

Playlist 1: 1. Since I Left You - The Avalanches 2. Thnks Fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy 3. Freestyler - Bomfunk MCs 4. Hey Soul Sister - Train 5. Hey Baby - DJ Otzi 6. Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet 7. California - Joni Mitchell 8. Ignition (Remix) - R. Kelly

9. Shiver - Coldplay 10. Makedamsure - Taking Back Sunday 11. Wuthering Heights - Kate Bush 12. It Wasn’t Me - Shaggy 13. Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley 14. It’s Too Late I’m Awake Already - Jack R Reilly 15. All The Small Things - Blink 182 16. Sospiri - Elgar 17. Suga Suga - Baby Baby 18. Old Love - Eric Clapton 19. Let Down - Radiohead 20. Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros Playlist 2: 1. Forever Young - Youth Group 2. Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts

3. Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz 4. My Immortal - Evanescence 5. Where is the Love?

- Black Eyed Peas 6. So Sick - NeYo 7. Naïve - Lily Allen 8. Mr Brightside - The Killers 9. Rehab - Amy Winehouse 10. Sk8er Boi- Avril Lavigne 11. Lose Yourself - Eminem 12. Family Affair - Mary J Blige 13. We Belong Together - Mariah Carey 14. Whenever, Wherever - Shakira 15. Miss Jackson - OutKast 16. Say My Name - Destiny’s Child 17. Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani 18. Umbrella - Rihanna 19. My Boo - Usher, Alicia Keys 20. Iris - Goo-Goo Dolls

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

ON THE SPOT Ella Morrison

‘Chlamydia trachomatis’ (2015), from the series ‘Under the Lens’, ink monotype

I have been thinking lately of the place of the aberrant in art. Specifically, my research into artists’ books, which rest so anxiously in a space between art and literature. The intensity of this study, along with a reasonable dose of general social awkwardness, has led me to develop a habit of noticing instances of the uncomfortable in the everyday. Like the fastidious copies of drawings I used to make as a child; it is as though a translucent sheet of baking paper has been laid over my eyes, leaving the tracings of aberrance to rest upon everything I see.

Jess Kemister, a third year Printmedia and Drawing student, celebrates the beauty to be found in the uncomfortable. Whether energetically dancing or floating calm, the shapes of her ‘Under the Lens’ series dynamically catch the wandering eye. These prints are reminiscent of the bold textiles that characterised the ‘60s. They feature cells from the likes of bacterial vaginosis and chlamydia.

Jess explains her motivation in depicting the inner workings of the female body, confused by a lack of more open discussion. After all, her prints speak to what fundamentally makes us human: cells, bacteria, sex and belong-

‘Cadida albicans’ (2016), from the series ‘Metamorphosis of Woman’, coloured ink etching

ing. In a world where the common cold is a loud complaint, in the age of the ‘man-flu’ and the extreme agony of a badly timed blemish, how can the likes of sexually transmitted diseases not have a voice? Like the empowering doctor who once spontaneously let Jess examine her own biology on the spot, the artist is granting access to the overlooked micro. She is making a visual call for attention, a visual call to action.

Speaking of action, how do people act upon learning the truth of the work?

Most are engaged, a couple uncomfortable. All are surprised. Jess enjoys this sense of shock, though is conscious of the strange discord in getting pleasure from the big reveal, and yet wondering why it should even be a shocking choice of subject matter in the first place.

Nevertheless, the idea of finding inspiration in an internal beauty has stayed with me. While being shown around Jess’ workspace, I see two etching plates from a recent life-drawing class. The curved, feminine lines of the model are given texture by deep crosshatching. Jess comments that one of the plates feels ‘gorgeous’, running her fingers over the grooves. Looking from these plates over to the ‘Under

‘Gardnella vaginitis’ (2015), from the series ‘Under the Lens’, ink monotype

the Lens’ prints, I see a broader exploration of the entire landscape of the female body – both interior and exterior. I can’t help but think of the female body and historical distinctions between nude and naked. The nude is proud, strong. The naked is shameful, in hiding. Here, the female life model is powerful, and yet cells that might foundationally contribute to her living are not. Jess is working to give the naked, the honest, and the aberrant, the attention it deserves. After all, the presence of such infections and bodily fluids (other prints feature enlarged urine and hair cell samples) is fundamentally organic. Why so illogically taboo, then? As the artist explains: one needs to own their body in every facet, to know their body in every facet.

Jess is currently working on a series of etchings that expand upon this idea of the bodily aberrant, now experimenting with prints contained within the circular form of a Petri dish. She plans to choose five bacteria and reflect their growth and transformation over time - a chronology. She shows me a couple of test prints, unpinning them from the wall.

That’s another thing I’ve noticed – as Jess talks about each of her works, she

reaches out to touch them. She runs her fingers along the edge of the pages, or rests her palm across their corners, or fusses over smudges and dust. To me, this physical interaction, this subconscious movement, directly relates back to her artistic interest in bonds, connection, and awareness. Mirroring the organic development of her cells, Jess’ work is growing to new places.

And it’s infectious.

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Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

Life & Style

Campus style

Woroni is looking for campus style photographers! Send us a message on facebook or to lifeandstyle@woroni.com.au

INternational & Sports

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

A Letter from Abroad: Another Tidbit From Sweden Matthew Lord Everyone has heard some little tidbit about Sweden. You might have first heard of the country when watching the Swedish Chef on the Muppets, listening to ABBA, or learning about their comprehensive welfare state system - either way, they seem to make their way round a variety of international conversations. Having been here since January, I’m still trying to reconcile these arbitrary snapshots of Sweden with the reality of the country itself. And I’m not doing a very good job - I’ve spent the majority of my time living in a small student bubble called Lund, a university town in the South with about 100 000 people, 40 000 of whom are students.

Being predominantly a university town, students have a tad more political weight than in Canberra, for example. We saw this early on, when we were told by the chief police officer in Lund that despite public drinking being illegal in almost all of Sweden, we were perfectly welcome to crack

open a tinny on Lund’s main street.

This law I’m told is due to popular student movements in the past - the only other place in Sweden where it is allowed is Uppsala, the other main university town.

This was one sign of what I began to see as a broader trend (or broader as far as Lund goes) regarding the role Swedish university plays in the lives of its students. Unlike our Australian universities, where university is increasingly feeling like little more than vocational training, university life in Sweden is as much about developing people socially as it is intellectually. I’m told that Swedish employers, rather than valuing your hard-earned straights A’s, will instead ask why you weren’t out socialising during your uni years. In our first week, I can’t even begin to explain how many times we were told to go have a ‘fika’ - a short break from work/study with coffee, cake and friends. For the exchange students, ‘fika’ appeared to

be a period of culturally legitimised procrastination. Furthermore, much of the student social life is channelled through different ‘nations’, which are essentially large social societies who all students are part of. This enables all students to engage in the student community, and escapes the sometimes exclusive nature of Australia’s college student/townie divide.

This is not to rag on Australian university too much. Travellers are always prone to over-romanticising the countries we visit. For example, almost all Swedes dress impeccably, to the point where a full-blown business suit doesn’t look out of place in a classroom. Some people might like this culture, but personally I’m a big fan of the ANU fashion scene, where our love of comfort clothing has reached a point where the puffer jacket and jogger combo is now trendy. And I cannot express how excited I am for ANU bar, where I can have one beer without knowing that several more

will inevitably follow - Swedes tend to binge when they drink, drinking mainly to get ‘ful’ - drunk. The casual Thursday afternoon jug with mates is all but a distant memory up here.

But overall, there are lessons to be learnt, and perhaps imported back into Australia. Perhaps that is the point of exchange, and travel more generally? To garner new experiences from foreign lands and use them to enrich your life at home. The focus on social health and wellbeing that pervades large parts of university life in Sweden has huge merit in the context of our academic achievement driven Australian universities. So next procrastination driven coffee break, skip the guilt, take a friend, and spend some time there. Depending on where you are, that can be as necessary a part of student life as scrolling the memes on Stalkerspace.

WHO OWNS THE RIFT?: ANU TAKES ON UC AT THE INTERVARSITY LEAGUE OF LEGENDS Faye Hollands

The Australian National University and the University of Canberra have long held a rivalry in sport, as well as academia – who really is the best?

The same can be asked of intervarsity eSports, and on the last Friday of April ANU played host to a League of Legends intervarsity tournament between the two universities. The tournament, sponsored by Red Bull, Steel Series, Reload Bar and Games and Woroni, was run as a best of three series, with both teams fighting all the way to a third game decider.

The starting teams for each university for game one were: ANU Top – SideStepGod Jungle – L3eT Mid – Xempler ADC – Vaindictive Support – VZI Subs – Ume Prime; Flirty Boy UC Top – Swordie Jungle – hOOk U

Mid – IU Lovers ADC – STONEFALL Support – So what Subs – Omgg; Superalien Supporters packed into the Haydon-Allen Tank on Friday evening to cheer on their teams to victory. The Chiefs’ Egym made a guest appearance too, fresh off representing Oceania in the International Wildcard International in Mexico City.

A coin toss decided sides for game one – UC would play on blue side, ANU on red. Lag and internet connectivity issues plagued the ANU side throughout the series. This resulted in a disappointing finish for the home side, despite early game leads in the first and third games. The synergy between ANU’s L3eT and SideStepGod was seen in the first game with coordinated ganks against Swordie in the top lane. Meanwhile, Vaindictive’s infamous Draven skills were on show as he and VZI capitalised on a hesitant UC bottom lane. Despite ANU disconnecting in a team fight in the

late game, they held on to secure a first game win.

UC fought back on blue side to take the second with a successful early game comp. Changes and subs for both the ANU and UC sides saw an immediate change in play style.

From the beginning UC dominated both the jungle and bottom lane with quick kills by Omgg and Superalian.

After only 16 minutes UC had pulled out to a convincing 8-kill lead. In the final fight of the match the ANU team disconnected, resulting in an ace for the UC team and allowing them to take ANU’s nexus easily.

While Ezreal may have been a poor choice for STONEFALL in the first game, IU Lovers made it work in the second game, finishing with a perfect KDA (and 9 of the team’s 24 kills).

Vaindictive returned as ADC to the ANU side for game three, replacing VZI who moved back to the support position. ANU took the blue side for the third game, while UC took red.

Despite getting first blood, ANU

struggled to hold any early lead, and within 9 minutes Omgg’s Pantheon was on a killing spree in the mid lane.

Scraping back in the 21st minute with 3 kills and a bottom turret, ANU got to within 700 gold of UC, however in the 35th minute the ANU team disconnected in what would be the final team fight, resulting in an ace for the UC team and a successful finish for the red side.

Although UC won the last two games, it was decided that a complete best of three rematch would occur due to the amount of disconnects on the ANU side throughout the series. No winner was announced on the night.

With changes to jungle objectives and major mage reworks, how will the teams face up in the new 6.9 patch?

Who will own the Rift?

The rematch will be held at Reload Bar and Games at a later date. Also, keep an eye out for a Red Bull video of the event, being released soon.

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Sports

MIND GAMES: MY LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH SPORT Ebony Hoiberg There is this classic mental health analogy: “If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t expect yourself to run a marathon or be ashamed about asking help for it. Why would we treat a mental health issue any differently to a broken leg?” I’ve been told this analogy so many times and it’s actually one of my favorites; I tell friends about it all the time.

no motivation but I would be furious with myself if I missed one training.

I was over-exercising with the hope that the endorphins would maybe make me feel happy for a little while or maybe I would feel less stressed.

I thought my asthma was just really bad because of the Canberra winters, but I was actually having regular panic attacks. I was totally denying what

ly trying to make an effort to just be okay with my mental health.

I set up Fluro Fridays Canberra with the hope of making mental health cool and hip. I wanted a place where mental health stories were celebrated, where anyone can come along and have a friend to walk with. I was so thankful to the girl who had spoken

Sport has always been a big part of my life. I grew up in a very competitive family, with 3 brothers and one tomboy sister. My life goal is to win Survivor.

I was a dancer as a child, and was essentially my own Abby Lee Miller. I absolutely pushed myself. My mother, on the other hand, really could not care less if my foot was sickled or my plie was deep enough. Then, I started soccer and would throw my body into every tackle.

My school had an amazing sports program and I loved it.

I played every sport I couldn’t and was reasonably good at most of them, apart from netball because I got sent off the court for too many fouls. I lived off Nike slogans; “You thought training was hard? Try losing” or “Don’t stop when you’ve tried, stop when you’re done!” was what I would say to myself every sports game. I have so many great memories from those freezing soccer training sessions, afternoon diving practice, swimming camps and early morning jogs.

I moved to Canberra a bubbly, energetic and happy girl. I threw myself into the sport. It was great- I made heaps of friends and was having a lot of fun. Nevertheless, I was also putting this massive pressure to be the most energetic on the field and to play everything. I legitimately found it impossible to say no. During this time I was really struggling with my mental health and trying to hide it from everyone around me; honestly, I was hiding from myself. I was struggling to get out of bed and had

I was going through or feeling.

I was part of the Civic2Surf team and loved being able to meet new people who were passionate about mental health. This is the silly thing- I was running to raise awareness for mental health, while completely ignoring what I was going through. At mid point of the 2-day run, we had a speaker talk about her experience with mental health, and that was the moment that I realised I needed help.

If it wasn’t for that speaker, I don’t know what would have happened to me. One year on, I decided not to be a part of the Civic2Surf team because I wanted to put the time into working on my mental health. It had been a big year and a long journey, but I sought and started to feel better. I had found a counsellor and committed to seeing her; I was learning to say no and most importantly, I was genuine-

to me and wanted the way we spoke about mental health to change. Sport, during this time, was a great way for me to relax and this time, it wasn’t unhealthy. I would try to exercise every day but I also tried to listen to my body and just have some fun!

Fast forward 1 more year from then, I was regularly seeing a counsellor, had a much greater understanding of mental health, had learnt meditation and thought that I was doing all the right things. I was ticking every “mental health self-care box”; but that was the issue. I was competing with myself, trying to force myself to be “win” at getting “better”. University was incredibly hard for me- I was running a charity and was meant to be a leader at my college, but was epically struggling with my mental health. I had started to push my body and was ignoring the warning signs

all over again. I had painful shin splints but I didn’t want to miss out on my last year of interhall soccer or training for Civic2Surf- I really wanted to give back to an event that had helped me so much. I pushed my body so hard that my shins splints turned into stress fractures and I found out two days before Civic2Surf. I didn’t want to admit how much pain I was in or expect any offers of help and my mental health was pretty damn bad at this point. I metaphorically, and physically, tried to run on a broken leg.

It wasn’t until a friend said to me, “Ebs, you need to put your happiness and wellbeing first”. It shocked me because I thought I had been, but I was pretty much doing the opposite.

Ever since then, it has all changed for me.

Sometimes it’s still hard, and old habits really do die hard.

I’m still silly competitive and I’ve had to change the way I see my whole life. Life’s not a competition and I now care about my happiness more than anything else, and that so weird. Really think about it- how often do we choose to do something just because it makes us happy?

Sport still plays a big part of my life, but it’s different. I go to dance classes because I want to; I play frisbee because I love the spirit circle; and I have even started playing netball even though I get fouled off constantly. I have fallen in love with walking, and even though it takes up hours and is such an inefficient use of time which I could be studying or cleaning my very messy room with, I still do it and love every very long minute of it. I’m so lucky to work with Batyr, and to have learnt that helping others doesn’t mean putting others above myself. I’ve got friends helping with Fluro Fridays now and a little Fluro community that gives me a little bit of love every Friday. I love sport, but now I love myself more.

SPORTS

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Issue 7, Vol. 71

ANU OWLS EASTERN UNIGAMES PREVIEW ANU SPORT

After a successful 2015 campaign ANU is set to again send its largest ever team to Eastern University Games, with 260 Students representing the ANU in 13 sports at the 2016 EUG event in Wollongong this July.

Eastern University Games (EUG) is the largest of the Regional University Games and features all universities in NSW and the ACT. Over 3000 students will converge on the coastal port city of Wollongong for what many consider to be the best student event on the annual calendar. It’s a week of sporting competition, banter and the occasional adult beverage whilst escaping the depth of Canberra Winter.

be looking to continue to build momentum and put it all together in Wollongong.

David Carrol and Alex Mckenzie will headline a very strong team.

For the Women’s team it has been a tough few years at EUG however with the development of a hockey academy at ANU Sport this is a team on the rise.

ANU Hockey player Emma Lomas will be one to watch.

After winning Bronze at EUG last year and Bronze in division 2 at AUG the Touch club will again be entering a classy side with medal aspirations.

The team has retained Joel McKenzie and Jack Van Lohuizen, as always however the team will rely on Unigames veteran Bec Beath to lead the way and provide the x-factor. Zoe Zhang and Maddy Miller will provide plenty of support.

2016 will see the return of a number of ANU Owl stalwarts and the rise of a few new powerful owls.

The Men’s Football team will again feature Canberra FC Premier League Goal Keeper Rory Larkin. Rory will be looking to build on an impressive EUG debut in 2015 where he led the team in goals scored. Rory will be supported by an impressive looking squad including veterans Josh Lagudah and Marco De Angelis.

Badminton will make its EUG debut this year and after taking out Gold at

AUGs in 2015 the ANU badminton team is excited by the opportunity to play in the regional games. While it is unlikely any of last year’s National Champions will be available for the event the team will be looking to continue building the reputation as a Badminton powerhouse. The team

will be led by club stalwart Victoria Wang.

Both Men’s and Women’s Hockey have regularly featured at EUGs over the past half-decade but without much success. After last December’s Hockey tour of Japan the Owls will

Ultimate Disc will, as always, be well represented. The team is looking to build cohesion and experience ahead of another AUG campaign.

Returning stalwarts Pat Sparks and Daisy Ewan will be the ones to watch in a squad mixed with experience and youth.

For all EUG updates and information search ANU Unigames on Facebook.

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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SPortS

A GUIDE TO SUPER RUGBY 2016 Andrew McNaughton

With 18 teams divided into 4 pools and playing matches on 4 continents, the Investec Super Rugby competition is definitely the largest of its kind. Last weekend marked the midpoint in the season, with 9 out of 17 regular season rounds completed. As such, it is a good time to take stock of the season thus far, and look ahead to who will be lifting the trophy after the final on August 6.

The 2016 season features 3 new teams in Super Rugby- the Southern Kings from South Africa; the Sunwolves from Japan, notable for their truly terrifying wolf mascot, and the Argentine Jaguares, colloquially known as “jersey porn” on account of their top notch kit- seriously, I rate. Check it out. Hot stuff. All three teams have failed to make an impact thus far, each winning one, and losing seven of their games, including a 92-17 thrashing for the Sunwolves at the hands of the Cheetahs. Inexperience and lack of squad depth are making it hard for them, but they are improving, particularly at home. These are the teams I see likely to cause the surprise upset

in the back end of the competition, so watch out.

Super Rugby’s stand-out player of the season so far in my opinion has to be the Waikato Chief’s fullback Damian Mackenzie. At just 21 years of age, he leads the competition in tries, defenders beaten, run meters, and points scored. Of course it helps to be part of the competition-leading Chiefs, who are averaging over 5 tries per game and playing some of the most exciting fast paced rugby around. Nonetheless, if he keeps up current form, I can’t see there being anything to stop him getting an All Black jersey later this year. In general, I see that the New Zealand teams seem to have coped well with the exodus of All Black players post- 2015 world cup: players either retiring or chasing the big bucks overseas in France and Japan. The Hurricanes lost the undisputed greatest midfield duo of them all, in Conrad Smith and Ma’a Nonu, and accordingly, have been slow starters this season.

While the competition’s best teams

are easily recognisable, I have been surprised by the polarisation of the Australian teams- While the Waratahs and Brumbies have played some quality rugby (aside from Waratahs’ halfback Nick Phipps trying to do everything in his power to lose games for them), the Queensland Reds (6 losses, a 1 point win, and a draw) and the Western Force (7 losses, and a win over the Reds) and have had abysmal starts to their respective seasons.

Aside from the Chiefs, one the other teams that is sure to feature in the finals in July are the Stormers from South Africa, who’ve conceded the least points so far this year, and their big boppers up front pose a formidable obstacle for any opposition. Then there are six Australasian teams fighting for 4 spots in the top 8- the Hurricanes, Rebels, Highlanders, Waratahs, Brumbies, and Crusaders.

Each of these teams has struggled to remain consistent both at home and away, and there’s a high chance finals placings will be decided on bonus points- awarded for either losing by

less than 7 points, or scoring 3 more tries than the opposition and winning.

As for the rest of the season, I expect to see more and more home wins- the amount of travel involved in the competition cannot be underestimated, and the benefit that home advantage has towards the end of the season is enormous. Because of this, I imagine the teams with the greatest depth in their squads- the Chiefs, Highlanders, and Stormers- will always remain a step ahead of the rest.

I predict the winner this year to be the Chiefs, based purely on the fact they look capable of scoring tries from anywhere, a frightening prospect for any team come finals time.

However, the season is only half gone so I’m expecting plenty of twists and turns to come.

Over Achiever Says She’s “Just Like You”, Only Better Julia Brieger

­­­­­­­_ ______ has recently released a statement on her Facebook, explaining to her peers that she is “just like everyone else”, only better. The Facebook post has seen over 1000 views from her 2007 Facebook friends, all of which she knows personally and has had coffee with at least once.

“It was an amazing response,” the Arts/Law student from Melbourne tells Woroni. “I really just wanted to show people I can relate to them.

People come up to me all the time – during sports competitions, or award ceremonies, and say, “_____, how are

you so good at everything? How are you so amazing? But I’m really not and I wanted to show that.”

“I make mistakes too,” _____ writes in her post. “I’m really not perfect. In my address to the school after being awarded Dux, I accidentally referred to our principal as Mrs. Taylor, rather than Ms. I was so embarrassed.”

Discussing her sporting commitments, _____ states, “I’ve lost plenty of games. Once, we lost a game in year 8. It was awful. We cried for a week and ate pizza to feel better. I normally eat really healthy – I never

have chocolate or anything – so that was a big deal for us.”

“I’ve forgotten the names of the underprivileged homeless at the soup kitchen I volunteer at,” she goes on to explain, “not to mention the amount of times I got the name of the managing partners wrong. At the top-tier law firm I work at as a paralegal, that could make or break you.”

Waheed keeps a busy schedule; between being a national gymnast, paralegal, President of two societies on campus, a member of the Burg-

mann Resident’s Committee, among numerous volunteer, debating and UN Youth engagements, all while achieving an HD average to maintain her scholarship. She asserts that taking care of herself can be a challenge.

“I still manage to go to the gym every morning at 7,” she says, “But I skip it here and there, and try to just do my morning Yoga instead. It’s those days when I really feel like a failure – when I don’t get to the gym.”

SATIRE

46

Issue 7, Vol. 71

“Dear Guests” Inspired by true events...

Morgan Alexander

Dear guest,

Dear guests,

Hi. Yes, hello—see me, standing here, right in front of you. Next to this sign asking you to please wait to be seated. I work here. Who would have guessed, right? Yes, well. I work here and it’s my job to ask how you are and what you need. As a voluntary participant in this symbiosis, might I suggest you respond to these inquiries? You know, rather than walk past me as if I were an inanimate object.

Trust me, I’m very animate, and I’m directing some of it at you. Not all of it is aurally available—I keep the best bits to myself—but I’m quite certain I did acknowledge your presence in our establishment. We generally ask you acknowledge us in too.

I understand you have made a booking to celebrate your one-year anniversary: congratulations and may you enjoy many memories of love and happiness. It is truly our pleasure to help you commemorate the occasion.

However, when I arrive at your table with an arm-full of food, kindly stop sucking the face of your beloved long enough for me to do my job. I won’t take long, and you may return to your felicitations promptly.

Yours kindly

■■■■■■■ Dear guest We love people. Sort of. Most of the time. Not love in the warm-fuzzy, stare-longingly-into-your-eyes love.

More in the, I-work-on-commissionand-I-need-to-eat kind of love. What we love most of all is those who respond to “How are you going?” with “Toilets?” Honestly, we think this is an appropriate response in all situations and should be included in our national vernacular.

Thank you

■■■■■■■■

Yours kindly

Yours kindly

■■■■■■■ Dear guests, We know what a lime wedge is. We also know how to garnish a drink with one; it is quite a tradition by now. So thank you for your suggestion to serve soda water with lime, but there is really no need to worry. We do this regularly- we have it covered.

Thank you

■■■■■■■

■■■■■■

Dear guests,

Dear guests,

No—your meal is not yet ready. Please remember you ordered ten minutes ago. We are not MacDonald’s.

When you entered our establishment today, we handed you a collection of papers commonly referred to as a menu. In case you are unaware, this is a document detailing the dishes and drinks available at our restaurant. You were looking for something in particular? Do you see it on the menu? No? Oh, well then, I guess that’s your question answered.

Kind regards

■■■■■■■ Dear guests, Do not snap your fingers at me to gain my attention. It will not work.

Trust me.

Yours kindly

■■■■■■ Dear guests, Our sympathies go out to all who suffer from food allergies and we continually endeavour to accommodate and cater for any restrictions wherever possible. If, however, you claim to be allergic to garlic, though not its close genetic sibling, onion, we may have a problem. If you request a serving of chili and garlic prawns without the garlic, but are willing to risk anaphylaxis or gastro-intestinal distress for that lamb roasted with garlic and served with garlic gravy, we may

question your sincerity. We may even suggest you remain home. Garlic is in everything north of the sweets menu.

We use it to keep away the vampires.

Yours kindly

■■■■■■ Dear guest, We apologise for your dissatisfaction with the function we hosted for you recently. As discussed when you first enquired about this possibility, our facilities cannot accommodate a single table of 67 and thus we agreed to divide the party across several smaller tables. You perceptively pointed out that if we could just remove that wall, and perhaps shift this column further that way, then a single table would be possible. We confess this option did not occur to us. How silly. We shall do our best to remember your architectural ingenuity next time.

Yours kindly

■■■■■■■ Dear guests, Our lunch times run from 12 to 3 pm daily. What’s that—11.30 would suit you better? Oh, that’s nice, but 12 o’clock suits us just fine.

Yours kindly

■■■■■■

BREAKING: Eggs Jammie Johns In a cracking scientific development, scientist Samuel C. Ramble and his team at the NXTLVL research centre in Bungonia have come to the definitive conclusion that two eggs a day is neither beneficial nor detrimental to one’s health. “They’re just eggs,” Ramble notes, “I have no idea how this entire debate started. What a strange controversy to exist.”

When asked about the discovery, Ramble said modestly that the work was the result of several years of team research and joint breakfasts: “We worked hard and ate like a mining magnate to achieve this fantastic, discipline-changing result. We are eternally grateful to the chickens who made this possible. We would also like to thank the University of

Canberra for their generous research grants”.

President of the International Egg Conversation Society, Edward White, praised the work of the NXTLVL team as both “a game-changer and a no-brainer.” He elaborated: “Eggs are delicious and only fools and vegans disagree”. When asked if he was go-

ing to make another very nearly-controversial statement, White flatly said, “no”.

When asked what he would most like to see come out of this study, Ramble gave the following summation: “I just hope I never have to read another click-bait article about this now.”

Week 12, Semester 1, 2016

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SATIRE

Introvert admits, ‘I’m just not that into winter’ Lauretta Flack From behind locked dorm room doors, and the corner of the party where the coats are, an introvert community in uproar can be heard.

Last Monday, witnesses have reported that small-talk between a group of casual friends in the MCC foyer skyrocketed far above typical levels of awkwardness.

The group of students, formed initially over mutual apathy for a group assignment, and since flourishing after bonding on common ground including having weekends that are ‘not too bad I guess’, and whether ‘anyone else had that problem with Wattle last night?’

This chit was rent asunder from its chat when a good natured comment

on the weather being ‘so much better now it’s cold’ was met by the apathy of one reckless contrarian. ‘Yeah nah, I actually do like it when it’s warm though’, the feckless individual, who has asked to remain nameless, is reliably recounted to have said. ‘Winter’s never been my season.’

Guys, I’m not saying I don’t love that most of your Instagram is the inside of a mug of tea. I’m just saying that I, as an introvert, feel totally comfortable undertaking my trademark solitary creative pursuits without adding thirteen layers of clothing to the equation.

Even following reasoned attempts by the group to convince them otherwise, this dissenter’s future appears bleak. Statements to Woroni showed a breathtaking lack of remorse.

You can’t mask the pain of relentless social demands on your emotional energy with the pain of actual chronic frostbite. I’m not a scientist, but.’

‘I understand that for many of my introverted friends, winter being the superior season is just taken for granted as the opinion we all have and like to egregiously supply to all the very, very disinterested people around us.

Women’s Department has warned of issues maintaining a united pro-crafternoon stance, while another insider at Woroni itself has suggested there may be contributors who prefer content other than opinion pieces about to break their silence.

Updates to come.

They added, ‘Then again I just get chilled really easily, I think I have poor circulation.’

Other groups on campus have expressed concern as to this type of incident encouraging naysaying within their own ranks. One source from the

Lost in memory lane Paul Campbell

It must have been 20 years ago now – 20 carefree summers, 20 long winters. Or perhaps 15? It could easily have been 18, I don’t know. It’s not really the point. Eiffel65 had ascended the steep and unrelenting slope of the music industry, climbing to its summit and bringing to the world’s attention the plight of a blue alien who lived in a blue house with a blue little window, and a blue corvette, and everything was blue for him, and himself, and everybody around, cause he ain’t got nobody to listen. The world bowed before them, and said, “You are artists and have reached the pinnacle of your craft. Through the medium of electronic beats and the simple metaphor of a blue alien with a blue house, you have laid bare the frailty and dark beauty of the human condition. Thank you. But never speak to us again.” And Eiffel65 said,

“Fair enough”. The fate of the alien is unknown, though Science, with its ruthless and sanctimonious adherence to reason, insists that in all likelihood he never existed.

They were simpler times. Before mobile phones, we would have to call each other on the landline. “How are you?” we would say. “Oh yeah, alright I guess”, we would reply. The Internet was merely four search engines with nothing to search for. For entertainment we were limited to our limitless imaginations, augmented only with TV and a Super Nintendo. Sometimes I would ride a bicycle, bounce a tennis ball against the wall, or simply retire to my bedroom to masturbate. I see the youth of today, wearing hoodies no doubt, technologized up to the eyeballs, and they think they’ve got it good. I shake my head and truly pity

them for all the simple fun they are missing out on.

I would dream of years before, when I was just a boy. Before pimples and Eiffel65, when Technotronic told us in no uncertain terms to “Pump up the Jam”, and we the people could do nought but our best to comply in manhandling that celebrated condiment. A time before Nintendo and self-pleasure had been invented, when we were bound only by our imagination. When Lego figurines lived richer, fuller lives than many of us could dare to dream of for ourselves.

I would lie on my bedroom floor and now and again, lost in the world of thought, hark back to the yet more golden days of life in the womb, of a time when the foetal position wasn’t a sign of a nervous breakdown but merely a comfortable way to be. A

time before birth canals, a time when nutrients were delivered through a tube directly to my stomach, cutting out the middle-man that is the oesophagus.

And it was perhaps in the last trimester, when I’d formed enough neurons to string together a few thoughts of my own, that I began to reminisce a little wistfully of my previous incarnation on Earth, when I was a dolphin.

From the Woroni Archives Selected by Tony Gu, Instagram Sub-Editor