volume 3, issue 1
May 20, 2011
Walt whitman High school
7100 whittier boulevard
Bethesda, maryland 20817
photo by IRELAND LESLEY
Rutabaga Exposé: Whitman’s 50th Lizard Prom
Senior Mia Carmel poses at Lizard Prom with members of Whitman’s lizard community. From left to right: Lizard Liz, Lizard Bob, Carmel’s date Lizard Ken, Lizard Julia, and Lizard Victor. Full story on page 2.
Leadership sends $67k to wrong LLS group by Adam Simon The Leadership classroom had a strange feeling on the Monday after the “LLS” pep rally. There were no cookies. No candy bars. No joyous celebration, no planning for Whitman’s next event. Instead, Sheryl Freedman sat at the front of the class, and asked one simple question—“Who screwed up?” For years, the entire Whitman community has come together to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This year, although the school did raise $67,523.51 during LLS month, due to a clerical error, the Leadership class had donated to the wrong LLS. Instead of donating to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, they had donated a large sum to the Life-Long Satanists. “When I found out we had donated to the Life-Long Satanists, I didn’t know
The Life-Long Satanists sure do love Satan.
what to think,” sophomore Keara Sullivan said. “I’m still not sure if they are violent. Are they violent? Should I be scared?” The class didn’t realize there was a problem until April 17, the day of the LLS pep rally. “We were expecting a representative from the real LLS to come and accept our check, maybe along with a n adorable cancer survivor or something,” senior McKenna Murray said. “We were all pretty shocked when a group of three men in black robes walked slowly to the center of the gym and began an eerie chant.” The men were president Dagon, vice president Leviathan, and the intern, Demogorgon. “We had no idea Whitman students were such supporters of the big guy downstairs. Hail Satan,” Dagon said. The Leadership class still hasn’t figured out what caused the slip-up, but at this point they fear it might be futile. “I’ve now had three meetings with the Life-Long Satanists,” Freedman said. “They’re nice people, but they’re pretty intense. At our last meeting, Demogorgon brought a skinned baby lamb and just plopped it on my desk.” As of now, the organization doesn’t have any concrete plans for honoring the Lord of Darkness with the donation. They need more incense, and this money could definitely buy a lot more incense, Leviathan said. When news spread around the nonprofit community, some organizations bemoaned their misfortune at missing
Inside Look
out on this happy surprise. “The Life-Long Satanists really won the lottery here,” said Stan McGunthry, president, founder and sole member of Little Little Snakes. “Why couldn’t they have accidentally donated to my LLS? Do you know what $65,000 could do for the little little snake community? I mean, we are talking about really little, teency-tiny snakes here. So tiny!” While there may have been other organizations of merit, the Life-Long Satanists insist they aren’t all bad. As for the future, the Satanists are extremely excited for the possibility of an eternal partnership with the mortal students of Whitman. “It’s great to have access to a pool of young minds excited about our lord Lucifer,” Demogorgon said. “Not only are we hoping to expand to the halls of Whitman, but Beelzebub craves the blood of virgins. Classic Bubs.” The worshipers of the Antichrist look to give back to our community as well. “We hope to host some events in the future to give back to the Whitman community, maybe even a movie night in the spring,” Leviathan said. “The problem is there are just so many good movies. You got ‘The Brotherhood of Satan,’ ‘The Devil’s Rain,’ ‘Hellboy,’ ‘Hellboy 2,’ ‘Hellboy 3.’ Just so many classics.” After hearing the plan for the movie night, most Leadership students began to realize the severity of their mistake. “Man, we really messed up,” senior class president Jonny Rasch said. “Well, might as well embrace it. Hail Satan.”
WIKIPEDIA.ORG/RUTABAGA
Fire alarm test results come in
by Ben titlebaum When the announcement comes on that students should ignore any alarms they hear, students roll their eyes, questioning how much the alarms need to be tested. But after years of testing, the results are in: the alarm system, which dates to Whitman’s old building from the 1960s, is not meant to detect fires at all, but is in fact a relic of the Cold War—an early warning system for nuclear attacks. This came as a surprise to many students. “Jeepers! I had no idea,” Joe Szczesny said. “But why does it go off all the time— we’re not being bombed, are we? Wait, don’t run away! Answer me!” The alarms might not work as expected, but there’s nothing for students to worry about, assistant principal Jerome Easton said. Some teachers recall when there was real threat of nuclear attack. “There used to be real fear that at any moment the Reds could destroy us and everyone we love,” longtime substitute Robert Butler said. “At least we probably won’t be bombed these days” Joe Gardner (‘69) remembers the old nuclear attack drills every month. “They were terrifying!” he said, visibly shaking with the memory as beads of sweat ran down his brow. “Everyone would spend the first 10 minutes of the drill screaming and panicking, then we’d all head to the secret bunker under the WAUD.” During the April 29th fire drill last month, one 67-year old teacher unthinkingly followed the old alarm protocol, bounding out of her third-floor classroom to the secret bunker, which few have seen since the early ‘90s. “All that’s left down here is 50-year-old SPAM, but it’s safer here,” she said from the bunker, where she’s been teaching her class via Google Docs and Edline. The testing lasted an unusual amount of time because the agency that analyzed the data, Alarm Testing Inc., had trouble identifying which alarm system Whitman has. “The reason testing took more than six years is because your alarms are super out of date,” AT spokesman John Gray said. “We had to file a Freedom of Information Act request to get access to the classified identification data.” After the results were announced, the administration put out a statement. “We encourage the student body to ignore the alarms and go about their business safely and securely,” the administration announced. “Please do not enter the secret bunker under the WAUD.” Members of the administration have expressed some doubts about the need for a nuclear alarm, but the expense of replacing the alarms means it won’t happen soon. If there’s a fire, the administration says that everything “will probably work out fine. I mean, how bad can a fire get?”
for boys and Sports Booster club to News Tweets Puzzle Corner! Q&A with Mr. Easton Trouble build “Road to “States” girls lacrosse page 2 page 3 page 2 page 4 page 4
May 20, 2015
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News Tweets
For more updates on breaking news, follow the @whitmanrutabaga on Twitter
Puzzle Corner! answers in next issue!
in-de
Lizard Prom: It’s Prom, but for lizards! by the rutabaga staff Although much of the attention over the past several years has been placed on Human Prom—or “prom,” for short—this year, Whitman’s little-known Lizard Prom took the spotlight. Senior Mia Carmel received the honor of becoming the first human invited to lizard prom in 23 years when her friend Lizard Paul invited her. “Yeah, I know she’s a human and all, but Mia’s really socially adaptable,” Lizard Paul said. “She can be friends with both humans and lizards.” Others were surprised. “I didn’t realize there was a Lizard Prom,” senior Brendan Kelly said. The lizards in Carmel’s group first met at Lizard John’s house for pictures. The lizards clearly went all out, renting Lizard Tuxes and buying lavish Lizard Gowns for the occasions. Just to clarify, Lizard Tuxes are the same as human ones—only marketed for lizards. “I didn’t realize lizards had houses,” Kelly said. Next, the lizards went to the famous lizard restaurant owned by the GEICO Gecko, everyone’s favorite celebrity lizard. “I did feel a little uncomfortable at dinner, because I had to use my hands while everylizard else just used their tongues,” Carmel said. The GEICO gecko even welcomed the lizards personally and gave them a taste of his world-renowned fly soufflé. “It was kind of annoying that everything he said was followed up with ‘and you can save 15% or more by switching to GEICO,’” Lizard Jeff said. “But overall it was a really nice place to culminate the lizard high school experience.” “Well, I’ve heard of that guy,” Kelly said. The most interesting piece of the lizard prom puzzle? The fact that 30% of Whitman students are in fact lizards. The lizard population has long been complaining about a lack of attention from the student body and administration, but quite fittingly, nobody has noticed. They hope that this year’s Lizard Prom will help them emerge from obscurity. “Now that I’m aware of
Lizard Prom, I’m starting to notice that maybe a third of the students I see are actually lizards,” Kelly said. “Really just shocking that I hadn’t noticed until now.” At the dance itself, the lizard DJ played such timeless lizard classics as “Baby, You’re My Sun-Baked Rock” and “I’d Like to Camouflage Myself to Look Like You”. “I didn’t realize lizards had songs,” Kelly said. Lizard Paul received some serious heat from elitist lizards looking down on his unconventional cross-species date. According to Lizard Paul, he did in fact have ulterior motives. “I was just sick of being walked all over. We don’t get pictures in the yearbook, we don’t get to go out at lunch, and nobody even notices us!” Carmel felt a little hurt. “I honestly feel pretty used. Lizard Paul seemed so genuine, but I now realize I was just a pawn in his game of Lizard Chess. I guess he really is a chameleon.” According to sophomore Lizard Vicky, the Lizard Community actually has counterparts to most Whitman events, including Battle of the Lizard Classes, Mr. Whitman Lizard, and Lizard bRAVE, a dance marathon for Little Little Snakes. Several underclassmen lizards were caught under the influence at Lizard bRAVE, bringing shock to the lizard community. It’s believed they all snuck in leaves with drops of alcohol on them. Lizard administration came down hard on the sophomore lizards, preventing them from participating in extracurricular activities. Lizard Prom came to an unceremonious close several hours after the sun went down, when the cold-blooded reptiles lost their stamina and clambered down under their rocks to await the dawn of another day. “I was really hoping we could make it past 10 PM this time,” Lizard Paul said. “But good ol’ Mother Nature foiled us again.” And so the 50th annual Lizard Prom came to a close. Most lizards interviewed said it was a great way to end their lizard high school career, and hoped they would remember it for the next two months before existence is tragically cut short by the talons of a sparrow.
Issue 23 Corrections
Put it together!
Page 4: Unattributed quote is from Benito Mussolini Page 7: The bird is not, in fact, the word Page 18: Christopher Gerken’s first name is Christopher, not “Joe.” He wouldn’t give us an interview, so we had to guess. Page 31: There is no page 31. Go away. Get him out! Solve it!
The Rutabaga regrets these errors, but only because we have to.
may 20, 2015
epth
Q&A
by Roger Champagne Serving as Assistant Principal since 2010, Jerome Easton has graced Whitman with his silky-smooth voice and stern sense of justice. Easton agreed to sit down with Rutabaga editor Roger Champagne for an interview about the state of Whitman and where he’s headed in the coming years.
Assistant principal Jerome Easton discusses his life’s work and the prospect of leaving Whitman
Jerome Easton: Well it’s funny that you ask that, and I suppose now’s as good a time as any to say it, but I won’t be returning as assistant principal next year.
R: You haven’t told Dr. Goodwin? JE: Can’t say I have done that yet. I was just planning on him finding out when I didn’t show up to work August 27th! But I suppose he’ll find out now. Not that big of a deal, though, he’ll understand. I just needed a career change, that’s all. R: What are your plans for next year?
photo courtesy JEROME EASTON
The Rutabaga: So Mr. Easton, first I’d just like to thank you for agreeing to this interview. Right off the bat, though, I’d like to ask what your thoughts were on the bell schedule changes next year.
3
JE: Well, in fact, I’m starting a new show on 88.3 called “Smooth Jazz with Big East.” See, it’ll be a late night smooth jazz show where I woo listeners into coming back with my soft, sensual, mesmerizing voice. I’ll have on actors, musicians, politicians, activists, friends, etc. Just the usual for a late night smooth jazz show. R: But your voice had a big part to play in you getting the show? J: Well it helped certainly, but it was just one of many factors. However, my voice was the reason I got another project I’m working on this fall, “Rio 3.” See in the film, I voice an Adamawa Turtle Dove, named Big J. Basically I give Blue, Jewel and their crazy, adventurous pack of misfits instructions on how to make their way out of the dangerous Congo jungle. R: What part of Whitman will you miss the most now that you’re leaving? JE: Well, I’ll certainly miss Walt Whitmanland and many of its wonderful aspects. The most of which has to be the the writing on desks in classrooms. Little-known fact, but I suppose since I’m leaving any day now it doesn’t matter. But I actually put most of that writing on those desks. Nothing better than waiting till school ends, the teachers gone, and just scribbling all over one kid’s desk, writing his name and stuff. Then sitting down with a big bowl of Orville Redenbacher’s and watching him catch hell the next day. Classic.
Assistant principal Jerome Easton looks dapper in a suit and tie. But what you may not know is that he will voice an Adama Turtle Dove named Big J in this fall’s Rio 3.
R: What do you do outside of the workplace to take your mind off things? JE: Chili. I perfect my chili recipe in my free time. I’ve made countless pots of chili over the years. I can’t possibly eat
this much chili. My fridge is overflowing. Please, please take some chili. I have a tupperware full of chili in my car with your name on it. R: No thanks. You’re well known throughout Whitman for making a big fuss about students not parking in their designated spots, and towing them when they do. What are your thoughts on this? JE: Well it’s interesting that you should mention that because the parking system at Whitman was actually designed to get students towed. You see students are designated their parking spots and told that if they don’t park in them they face the penalty of getting towed. Then, either before school or while students are out at lunch, other teachers and I will park in their spots instead of the staff parking lot, ensuring that several students will be forced to park in other spots and get towed. R: What is the purpose of that? JE: Money, of course. See when a car is towed it’s first brought up to a chop shop where the airbags and several other parts of the car are removed and, once in a while, replaced by subpar versions. These parts are later sold on the black market at a massive profit. In fact, that’s Montgomery County’s main source of income—how do you think we afforded all of those Promethean Boards? Those things cost a fortune. R: This sounds like a conspiracy theory. JE: I can assure you it’s not. R: Do you have any proof? J: No, but sometimes you just have to go with your gut.
Off the beaten “Off the Beaten Track” track lunch spots by Sebastian van Bastelaer Getting tired of those tired, old, adhering-to-public-health-standards restaurants for lunch? Sick of making the same short trek to convenient locations that don’t require a 12-hour plane ride? Well, here are some new places to go that will surely pique your interest. Be sure to leave school quick though, it may be tough to make it there and back in 45 minutes
Pizza Grande, Haapsalu, Estonia Given 3.5 stars on Tripadvisor, this place has it all: tables, chairs, walls, you name it! One reviewer raves, “pretty good place for pizza once your kids are tired of smoked fish” (as if anybody
could ever tire of it!) For only 14 Euros (plus the $1000 plane ride), you can enjoy a delightful slice of pizza while the easily recognizable faces of famed Estonian leaders Valdemar I the Victorious and Bartholomäus Savijerwe smile down on you from their portraits. Marvel at the natural beauty that is Hiiumaa Island. You and your friends will be delighted to find this quaint gem, a great change of pace from the Georgetown Bagels and Chipotles of the world. Food Court, International Space Station, hovering 250 miles above Guadalajara, Mexico Have you ever wondered what it’s
like to eat freeze-dried food with a gang of intrepid astronauts? All it takes is the 13 hour drive to Cape Canaveral—a stone throw’s away—and then a few months of training, and you’re ready to go! After your terrifying flight into space, savor a vacuum-sealed tomato as you hurtle through space in a small container, hundreds of miles from everybody you love! Treehouse #4, Abau, Papua New Guinea This charming spot gives diners a unique experience: you get to be the meal! Join the Korowai tribe in their island home and experience firsthand the wonderful food of one of the last canni-
balistic tribes on earth. If you’re tired of sitting in the same boring Bethesda spots, always eating the same food, then try being the food! Truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Steve’s Chinese Stand, Aden Adde International Airport, Mogadishu, Somalia Where better to experience authentic Chinese cuisine than a stand run by an American expatriate in a country practically run by pirates? Enjoy some weekold sweet and sour chicken and watch yet another cargo ship get hauled in as you wait for somebody to pay your ransom.
Join the Glorious People’s Revolution! This is an issue of the Rutabaga, a satirical publication produced entirely by the staff of The Black & White. Despite our name, we don’t believe rutabagas are real. This issue aims to entertain. The editorial board decided to create the Rutabaga, because the alternative would mean we would have to write actual stories. Each quote is falsified. Staff members contacted all named sources for permission to use quotes. All content in the paper is reviewed to ensure that it meets the highest levels of legal and ethical standards with respect to material that is libelous or invasive of privacy.
Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Beef Editor-in-Leaf Editor-in-Coral-Reef Editor-in-Grief Production Dictator Production Serf
Sebastian van Bastelaer Noah Franklin Roger Champagne Adam Simon Ben Titlebaum Ireland Lesley Sebi Sola-Sole
The Proletariat Spencer Adams Ethan Taswell Humor Helper Louise Reynolds Adviser-at-Large Kelley Cjsxzajejajetrerwxzxka
Volume 3, Issue 1 2015
NEWS
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May 20, 2015
photo by IRELAND LESLEY
Boys and Girls Lacrosse in trouble
Midfielder Geoff Baneth flees an explosion in Afghanistan’s Northwest region. He claims he really had to use the bathroom and totally wasn’t scared at all.
War Team faces opposition at wrong Northwest by Spencer Adams The boys lacrosse team has postponed all of their games indefinitely following an unscheduled team trip. In a massive miscommunication, the team has been drafted into the United States Army and sent to fight in Afghanistan. The 29-member team, popularly called “War Team,” thought that they were traveling to an away game at Northwest High School. But their route was diverted and they ended up in the Northwest region of Afghanistan. “The Army believed that the team was a well-trained, self-regulated militia, so we decided to draft them,” said an Army official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We also heard that they all lifted, so that’s a plus.” Army recruitment was at a low, so military officials Googled “Private militias ready for war.” On page 313 of the search results, the officials found the “War Team” Facebook page and emailed the team, offering to give them free transportation to Northwest Afghanistan. Team captain Alex Hosker interpreted this as an invitation for an informal scrimmage against Northwest High School and was delighted to accepted the Army’s offer. The miscommunication continued en route to Afghanistan.
“Some dude kept yelling at us, ‘ARE YOU READY FOR WAR?’” Hosker said. “I thought he was just giving us an extremely aggressive pep talk, so I kept yelling back ‘YEAH!’ And then we got on the plane, and that was even more confusing, but I just went with it because I know Northwest High School is pretty far out there.” The players entered the war zone with only their lacrosse equipment, and many did not swap that out for real combat gear. “My helmet has been hit dozens of times with lacrosse balls, and I’ve only had two concussions,” defenseman Danny Fraser said in a satellite phone interview. “That’s a pretty good track record, so I’m going to stick with my own equipment.” However, opting for lacrosse sticks instead of guns has its drawbacks. Defenseman Cyrus Sobhani brought only a lacrosse stick to a gunfight and paid the price. Sobhani resorted to flinging rocks back at the enemy with his stick, much akin to the famed Ewok attack against the legions of Stormtroopers on the farthest moon of Endor. Unfortunately, his attempt had little effect on the enemy. He was last seen cradling a live grenade, and hasn’t been heard from since. In a more sentimental turn, the team has begun to teach the local
children how to play lacrosse. “We saw these little boys kicking around some ball in between posts, and we all thought, ‘Wow, what a stupid sport, we should teach them a better one,’” midfielder Alex Hilsenrath said. “So we set up a clinic, and the kids really seem to love it.” The players fashioned lacrosse sticks out of reeds and animal pelts, and they used the native pomegranates as balls. Mahmud Ali, a twelveyear-old who attended the clinic, wasn’t as ecstatic about the sport as the team thinks. “ فیج ںیم چس ےھجمGeoff ےہر ہدنز اتگل ںیہن ہک اگ,”Ali said. Nawaz Barija also didn’t quite understand why the lacrosse players were teaching the game. “I just don’t get it,” he said. “Why would you carry the ball in a stick? It seems like half the time the players just twirl their sticks around. But all the players who run the clinic think that the twirling is the greatest thing.” Midfielder Geoff Baneth, who helped establish the clinic, thinks teaching the children broadens both communities’ collective minds to be more accepting of others’ cultures. He admits they have more to do, though. “I saw what that kid Mahmud said about me,” Baneth said. What the heck does that even mean?”
Girls face mid-season stomach issues
by Ethan Taswell Athletes have been known to turn to drastic measures to improve their game. Michael Phelps eats two whole turkeys a day. Lance Armstrong took hundreds of doses of performance-enhancing steroids (completely legal of course). And Tiger Woods had a lot of sex during his reign. But Senior Caroline Schweitzer’s plan for the Whitman Girl’s Lacrosse Team to hop on board the “paleo diet” fad may have come at the greatest cost. The diet emulates the nutritional palette of early cavemen, consisting of foods such as meat, nuts, and berries. But Schweitzer’s proposition went further—back to the early Paleolithic age, far before human’s mastery of fire for cooking. The idea was simple: only eat raw, uncooked meat for the duration of the season. The entire squad agreed the idea was completely benign. And so, the freshly rechristened Raw Meat squad started the season in impressive fashion, bursting with newfound confidence and protein. “It’s not that much of a stretch. I mean, I would already order my steaks rare,” net minder Hannah Tatem said. “The way I see it, those Neanderthals were really on to something.” Lately though, things have taken a turn for the worse. “We should have seen it coming,” Tatem said, starting to break down into tears. “You hear all those stories about salmonella, but you just...you never think it’s going to be you. You never think it’s going to be you…” On Monday, April 27 at 11:51 in the morning, an emergency call was placed to the school nurse. Within the next 10 minutes, all 23 team members stumbled into the health center complaining of food poisoning. Much to everybody’s surprise, the nurse couldn’t help, diagnose a problem, or recommend treatment of any sort. The result was akin to the Brazilian food scene in Bridesmaids. 911 was soon called, and the emergency responders quickly came to the conclusion that the team had acquired the dangerous Salmonella bacterium. With nine members of the team having lost their livers, and four more in critical condition with non-working spleens, Raw Meat is looking at a tough game this upcoming Thursday at Wootton. The Whitmaniacs bus leaves directly after seventh period. And remember, parent signatures are required for a bus ticket and especially for a chance to be one of the brave souls standing by on the sideline for an emergency liver transplant if it becomes necessary. Go Vikes!
Booster club announces plan for “Road to States” selves!” said Beth S. Damaam, a long-time member of the board. “They’re called troll roads. What did you say? Oh right. Toll roads.” They then decided to amend the name of their catchphrase to #tollroadtostates. That hashtag never really took off. The road is estimated to pay for itself in a mere 23 years. “That’s assuming each car pays around $12,000 per trip, of course,” said Damaam, clearly fooling herself into thinking this was still a good idea. The actual members of the two soccer teams have expressed some serious skepticism, especially since they had no say in the matter. “I don’t understand why we can’t just take 495 to 95.” midfielder Clare Severe commented. “It’s actually a pretty direct route.” This highway will cut off about 10 miles of the trip. “The proposal was based off of the fact that the shortest distance between two points is a lime,” Damaam said. “What? A
line, yeah. What did I say?” But Damaam wasn’t fooling around. The actual proposal is a perfectly straight, as-the-crowflies route. This has sparked some serious backlash, due to the fact that it will literally ram straight through Rock Creek park and the T. Howard Duckett watershed. “I just...It’s not...that isn’t how roads work,” said Tim Burr, a forest and wildlife activist and avid Ke$ha fan. “You need to follow the contour of the natural environment, or build a bridge or something. This just clearly has not been thought through.” The Board has released some polls to see if there would be any interest in taking the toll road. They were pleased to find a 100% interest among commuters. The Rutabaga staff found this odd, and upon reviewing the poll, it was immediately cleared up. The only choices on the poll were “Yes, I am interested in the toll road” and “Ted is my favor-
ite character in How I Met Your Mother.” According to Severe, the teams won’t even have enough money for uniforms next year. “This is a joke, right? Haha, very funny. Seriously though, I’m getting a bit freaked out. Please tell me it’s a joke,” Severe
said. But it’s not a joke. “What about houses? Buildings? This road would just tear through residential districts! Stop them!” Burr said. Construction begins in the fall. #tollroadtostates
photo by SEBI SOLA-SOLE
by Noah Franklin The road to states for Boys and Girls Soccer is far more than just dedication, blood, sweat and tears—in fact, it’s 50 miles more. That’s the distance from Whitman to Loyola University, a pilgrimage that must be made year after year. But it won’t be the same the year after this year. In a bold, inventive move, the Athletics Booster Club decided they would spend pretty much all of their 2016 budget on a four-lane highway running straight from Whitman to Loyola—that is, a road to states. The Booster Club decided to borrow the popular slogan used to hype up fans for the soccer season, #roadtostates, to put the proposal into the public spotlight and gather support. The glaring issue, of course, was the money. The project was estimated to cost about $780 million, which would be almost $780 million over budget. “That’s when we realized that roads can pay for them-