volume 3, issue 1
May 20, 2011
Walt whitman High school
7100 whittier boulevard
Bethesda, maryland 20817
photo by IRELAND LESLEY
Rutabaga Exposé: Whitman’s 50th Lizard Prom
Senior Mia Carmel poses at Lizard Prom with members of Whitman’s lizard community. From left to right: Lizard Liz, Lizard Bob, Carmel’s date Lizard Ken, Lizard Julia, and Lizard Victor. Full story on page 2.
Leadership sends $67k to wrong LLS group by Adam Simon The Leadership classroom had a strange feeling on the Monday after the “LLS” pep rally. There were no cookies. No candy bars. No joyous celebration, no planning for Whitman’s next event. Instead, Sheryl Freedman sat at the front of the class, and asked one simple question—“Who screwed up?” For years, the entire Whitman community has come together to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This year, although the school did raise $67,523.51 during LLS month, due to a clerical error, the Leadership class had donated to the wrong LLS. Instead of donating to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, they had donated a large sum to the Life-Long Satanists. “When I found out we had donated to the Life-Long Satanists, I didn’t know
The Life-Long Satanists sure do love Satan.
what to think,” sophomore Keara Sullivan said. “I’m still not sure if they are violent. Are they violent? Should I be scared?” The class didn’t realize there was a problem until April 17, the day of the LLS pep rally. “We were expecting a representative from the real LLS to come and accept our check, maybe along with a n adorable cancer survivor or something,” senior McKenna Murray said. “We were all pretty shocked when a group of three men in black robes walked slowly to the center of the gym and began an eerie chant.” The men were president Dagon, vice president Leviathan, and the intern, Demogorgon. “We had no idea Whitman students were such supporters of the big guy downstairs. Hail Satan,” Dagon said. The Leadership class still hasn’t figured out what caused the slip-up, but at this point they fear it might be futile. “I’ve now had three meetings with the Life-Long Satanists,” Freedman said. “They’re nice people, but they’re pretty intense. At our last meeting, Demogorgon brought a skinned baby lamb and just plopped it on my desk.” As of now, the organization doesn’t have any concrete plans for honoring the Lord of Darkness with the donation. They need more incense, and this money could definitely buy a lot more incense, Leviathan said. When news spread around the nonprofit community, some organizations bemoaned their misfortune at missing
Inside Look
out on this happy surprise. “The Life-Long Satanists really won the lottery here,” said Stan McGunthry, president, founder and sole member of Little Little Snakes. “Why couldn’t they have accidentally donated to my LLS? Do you know what $65,000 could do for the little little snake community? I mean, we are talking about really little, teency-tiny snakes here. So tiny!” While there may have been other organizations of merit, the Life-Long Satanists insist they aren’t all bad. As for the future, the Satanists are extremely excited for the possibility of an eternal partnership with the mortal students of Whitman. “It’s great to have access to a pool of young minds excited about our lord Lucifer,” Demogorgon said. “Not only are we hoping to expand to the halls of Whitman, but Beelzebub craves the blood of virgins. Classic Bubs.” The worshipers of the Antichrist look to give back to our community as well. “We hope to host some events in the future to give back to the Whitman community, maybe even a movie night in the spring,” Leviathan said. “The problem is there are just so many good movies. You got ‘The Brotherhood of Satan,’ ‘The Devil’s Rain,’ ‘Hellboy,’ ‘Hellboy 2,’ ‘Hellboy 3.’ Just so many classics.” After hearing the plan for the movie night, most Leadership students began to realize the severity of their mistake. “Man, we really messed up,” senior class president Jonny Rasch said. “Well, might as well embrace it. Hail Satan.”
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Fire alarm test results come in
by Ben titlebaum When the announcement comes on that students should ignore any alarms they hear, students roll their eyes, questioning how much the alarms need to be tested. But after years of testing, the results are in: the alarm system, which dates to Whitman’s old building from the 1960s, is not meant to detect fires at all, but is in fact a relic of the Cold War—an early warning system for nuclear attacks. This came as a surprise to many students. “Jeepers! I had no idea,” Joe Szczesny said. “But why does it go off all the time— we’re not being bombed, are we? Wait, don’t run away! Answer me!” The alarms might not work as expected, but there’s nothing for students to worry about, assistant principal Jerome Easton said. Some teachers recall when there was real threat of nuclear attack. “There used to be real fear that at any moment the Reds could destroy us and everyone we love,” longtime substitute Robert Butler said. “At least we probably won’t be bombed these days” Joe Gardner (‘69) remembers the old nuclear attack drills every month. “They were terrifying!” he said, visibly shaking with the memory as beads of sweat ran down his brow. “Everyone would spend the first 10 minutes of the drill screaming and panicking, then we’d all head to the secret bunker under the WAUD.” During the April 29th fire drill last month, one 67-year old teacher unthinkingly followed the old alarm protocol, bounding out of her third-floor classroom to the secret bunker, which few have seen since the early ‘90s. “All that’s left down here is 50-year-old SPAM, but it’s safer here,” she said from the bunker, where she’s been teaching her class via Google Docs and Edline. The testing lasted an unusual amount of time because the agency that analyzed the data, Alarm Testing Inc., had trouble identifying which alarm system Whitman has. “The reason testing took more than six years is because your alarms are super out of date,” AT spokesman John Gray said. “We had to file a Freedom of Information Act request to get access to the classified identification data.” After the results were announced, the administration put out a statement. “We encourage the student body to ignore the alarms and go about their business safely and securely,” the administration announced. “Please do not enter the secret bunker under the WAUD.” Members of the administration have expressed some doubts about the need for a nuclear alarm, but the expense of replacing the alarms means it won’t happen soon. If there’s a fire, the administration says that everything “will probably work out fine. I mean, how bad can a fire get?”
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