2018 HERALD 100 by The Yale Herald

THE HERALD THE HERALD

100 THE YALE HERALD SPECIAL EDITION

YALEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S MOST DARING PUBLICATION SINCE 1986

from the editors My dear friends, December has arrived, which means that, like clockwork, every major publication in the world has begun to churn out “Best ___s of the Year” lists. I’ve skimmed a couple recently, which helped me remember that Isle of Dogs came out this year, and that George H.W. Bush only had the second biggest motorcade at his funeral, after Aretha Franklin.

THE HER AL

VISIT US ONLINE AT YALEHERALD.COM

THEAD S A M EDITORIAL STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITORS

Jack Kyono Nurit Chinn, Fiona Drenttel

EXECUTIVE EDITORS Emma Chanen, Emily Ge, Margaret Grabar Sage, Nicole Mo, Marc Shkurovich,Eve Sneider, Anna Sudderth, Oriana Tang FEATURES EDITORS Marina Albanese, Trish Viveros CULTURE EDITORS Sara Luzuriaga, Tereza Podhajská VOICES EDITORS Allison Chen, Julia Leatham OPINION EDITOR Eric Krebs REVIEWS EDITORS Kat Corfman, Everest Fang STYLE EDITOR Molly Ono INSERTS EDITORS

Sarah Force, Addee Kim

DESIGN STAFF CREATIVE DIRECTORS Julia Hedges, Rasmus Schlutter DESIGN EDITORS Paige Davis, Audrey Huang

As a major publication, we here at the Herald feel behooved to present our own year-in-review, but we refuse to spit out another Top 10 list. In a Top 10 list, no one actually cares about #5-10, and #2-5 are honestly pushing it. Obviously we scroll directly to the bottom of the listicle to find out who the big winner is. We don’t have time for anything but the BEST. We at the Herald also think people should be more negative, which in 2018, translates to being more honest. Things are really bad! A Fox & Friends host was just tapped for Ambassador to the UN. We are more polarized than ever before, which is bad news for politics, but for a publication looking for people with strong, hyperbolic opinions, it’s made our job pretty easy. To that end, we present you with the Herald 100, our annual list of Bests and Worsts. In this issue, our humble writers and editors litter the spreads with their most impassioned opinions: Best Dating App; Worst Nightmare; Best Way to End a Relationship; Worst Synonym for Underwear. You might agree with them, you might not. As my predecessor at the helm of the Herald once suggested, if you’re bummed out by any of these opinions, feel free to write your rebuttal and publish it next year. As we wrap this final issue of the semester, it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to The Yale Herald. When times have been the worst, Harold has been the best reason to keep on going. With love and gratitude, Jack Kyono Editor-in-Chief

THE YALE HERALD

The Yale Herald is a not-for-profit, non-partisan, incorporated student publication registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. If you wish to subscribe to the Herald, please contact the Editor-in-Chief at john.kyono@yale.edu. Receive the Herald for one semester for 40 dollars, or for the 2018-2019 academic year for 65 dollars. The Yale Herald is published by Yale College students, and Yale University is not responsible for its contents. All opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not reflect the views of The Yale Herald, Inc. or Yale University. Copyright 2018 The Yale Herald.

14/15

4/5

6/7 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11.

Best time to get a dramatic haircut Best way to end a relationship Best way(s) to open a bottle Worst escapist fantasy Best regards Best way to say goodbye to your professor Best food Worst saint Best saint Worst essay you’ve ever written Best hot sauce

Worst way to tell your conservative parents you got a tattoo Worst nightmare Best selfie mirror in the Yale University Library system Worst sex you ever had Best cow Best quote about Ginsberg’s “A Supermarket in California” Best ice cream Best buy Best toast Best Editor-in-Chief of The Yale Herald Best pants

47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57.

16/17 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68.

Best situation Worst situation Best printer Best romantic blockbuster of the summer Best alarm song Best romantic bonding activity Best chair Best snack Worst 20th birthday present Best wall decoration Best tape substitute

18/19

8/9 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80.

Best fast Best happy hour Best happy hour if you like wine Best AND Worst place to get a zit Best reading material for procrastinating writing your thesis (or other large paper) Best place to vomit in your friend’s house Best place to vomit in your enemy’s house Best way to sign off an email Best way to drink tap water Best writing tool

Best missed connection Best chai Worst spicy chai Best spicy chai Best pet Best cheer Best worlds Best water bottle Worst spread Best spread Best soul Worst nosebleed Best nosebleed Best time to eat trans fats

12/13 Blacklist

Best sex playlist name Worst way to watch The Great British Baking Show Best Yale retail Worst things to write on a cake Best coffee order to signal your pseudo-Intellectualism Best Alternative Christmas Tree Best part of the cucumber Best conversation topic Best Greek resturant in New Haven Best holiday Best fictional Yalie Best place to sit on an Amtrak

20/21

10/11 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46.

Best pepper Best new bar Best way to interact with the squirrels on Old Campus Best thing to do drunk on Old Campus Best bread Best people Worst synonym for underwear Best chips Best nickname for my Epi-Pen Best weird smell at Yale Best sign

22/23

89. Best reason to go to outer space 90. Best item of clothing to wear to Spring Fling 91. Best college to poop in 92. Best bygone trend 93. Worst text I’ve ever received from my mom 94. Best text I’ve ever received from my mom 95. Best drinking game 96. Best way to be vegan 97. Best staircase 98. Best place to have party 99. Best dating app 100. Best eggs

81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88.

Worst Free & For Sale ads (these are real) Best conspiracy theory Best way to get your nut Worst Mambos Worst billionaire Best lunch in the dining hall Best self care routine Worst way for a male acquaintance to offer a greeting

IN THIS ISSUE

Arsenic.

ALLISON CHEN, MC ’21, YH STAFF

Stressed about upcoming internship application deadlines? Unsure what major you should declare? Looking for a big, big change in the midst of the never-ending night of late Autumn New Haven? It’s time to look forward to that life-changing haircut you’ve been casually eyeing this semester. In the upcoming month-long winter break, go back to the comforts of your hometown and get those bangs, chop off the six inches, shave half of your head, or whatever else you’ve been itching to do. Your hometown friends and your college friends will be wowed by your new image. You might look great; you might look terrible. But hey, a haircut will bring an exciting, new change that you can control—and what better time than when you’ve escaped the stress of this past semester?

Best way to end a relationship

MARINA ALBANESE, PC ’20, YH STAFF

Best time to get a dramatic haircut

Worst escapist fantasy

1. During Spring Fling 2. After searching for a bottle opener for no longer than a minute 3. With your molars 4. Shortly before passing out for the next 18 hours and missing the entire show 5. Wearing a kilt 6. With regret 7. All of the above, in that order

SM ’21, YH STAFF

KAT CORFMAN,

Best way(s) to open a bottle

Getting pregnant; dropping out of Yale to care for the baby; being happy, whole, and loved unconditionally by a tiny person who needs you more than anything.

LAURIE ROARK, ES ’21, YH STAFF

Best regards , Everest

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best way to say goodbye to your professor ANNA SUDDERTH, PC ’19, YH STAFF 4

THE YALE HERALD

Kiss them ever so gently on the lips.

5 Worst saint

Best food MATT REINER, JE ’20

Spaghetti

Saint Veronica. She literally earned canonization by wiping sweat off of Jesus.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Best saint

Veronica recently re-entered the public imagination when she was featured on Fuck Jerry on Dec. 5, 2017 (this day last year, as of the time of writing) (there are no coincidences). This is probably the most attention she has received since 1300 when thousands of pilgrims traveled thousands of miles to see her relic in Saint Peter’s. So, I was thrilled to see her on my Instagram feed, but very saddened by the way her story had been misconstrued. She is not, as the meme suggests, “a hustler who tried to sell merch at the crucifixion.” Bless her heart.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Worst essay you’ve ever written The English 120 profile essay you wrote in which you proceeded to fabricate entire life stories, hardships, marital turmoil, and a litany of inflammatory/out of context quotes about your subject before getting it critiqued in class and having to spin your web of lies until finally you are too ashamed to ever send it back to the person you interviewed. And then you cry in the bathroom. You will NEVER be Joan Didion, you stupid bitch.

SABRINA BUSTAMANTE, ES ’20

Best Hot Sauce EMMA KEYES, PC ’19, YH STAFF

It’s Frank’s Red Hot. I am uninterested in all of your wrong opinions on this subject.

5 THE YALE HERALD

Worst way to tell your conservative parents you got a tattoo Get a tattoo secretly in a place they would never see. Never plan on telling them. Wait several months until you become an editor for the Herald. Write a piece in desperation about how you got said tattoo. Wait another month until your parents Google you because they love you so much. Prepare your body for passive aggressive text. Regret getting a tattoo.

MOLLY ONO, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best selfie mirror in the Yale University Library system

Gluten intolerance. And also having my dick eaten off by a snapping turtle while skinny dipping in a lake.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Worst Nightmare

LAURIE ROARK, ES ’21, YH STAFF Some say say it’s the basement of Sterling, others say it’s Haas, but I know that the best mirror to take a selfie is in the single stall, gender-neutral haven of the first floor of the Ezra Stiles College library. The lighting is perfect, the sink is just the right height for resting your foot on (to give your picture that whole outfit experience), and the background tiles are the perfect shade of orange.you can control—and what better time than when you’ve escaped the stress of this past semester?

Worst sex I’ve ever had You cried afterwards. Of laughter. You laugh so hard you pee your pants a little bit. You don’t know whether the urine was the mood killer, or whether it was the Moana soundtrack playing on repeat for all three and a half minutes of intercourse…

SABRINA BUSTAMANTE, ES ’20

Best Cow Idk, but it’s probably not Knickers.

JORDAN BOUDREAU, MC ’19, AND MOLLY ONO, ’ES 20, YH STAFF 6 THE YALE HERALD

Best quote about Ginsberg’s “A Supermarket in California” GIANNA BAEZ, TC ’21

“I’ve never seen fruits so sexy”

Best ice cream

Haha! Get it? (This blurb is brought to you by Best Buy™ Incorporated)

ERIC KREBS, JE ’21, YH STAFF

Best buy

Hello remember when Yale Dining gave us moose tracks ice cream all the time?? That was the only thing holding me together in this barren place

JORDAN COZBY, BR ’20

Best Editor-in-Chief of The Yale Herald It’s 2:30 a.m. on Friday morning and Jack Kyono’s bed is cold. His top sheet lies crumpled from the day before, forlorn, as if longing for the familiar curve of his body, the soft yet spiky embrace of his shaved head atop the pillow.

In another corner of New Haven, off the bow of his ship, Kyono gazes across the mystical imaginary of his Melvillian ocean. The whiteness of the news print glares back at him, snapping him back to the task at hand. The agile pitch of his idiosyncratic vocal timbre interrupts the sharp click of fingers on keyboards. “Alright guys, should we publish?” he queries. The answer is always yes.

TOM BATTLES, DC ’20

His roommates doze in the nearby rooms of his Dwight Street apartment. Their eyes closed long ago. Sleep comes easily for them.

Best toast Go raibh muid daibhir i míáidh agus saibhir i mbeannachtaí, go mall ag déanamh namhaid, go luath ag déanamh carad, ach saibhir nó daibhir, go mall nó go luath, nach raibh áthas againn ón lá seo amach. (This roughly translates from Irish as: May we be poor in bad luck and rich in blessings, slow in making enemies, quick in making friends, but rich or poor, slow or fast, may we have only happiness from this day on. It is very hard to explain how to pronounce this toast via writing because the phonetic system of the Irish language is wack, so good luck out there. You are all now ready to get rowdy at the pub with your friends.)

EMMA KEYES, PC ’19, YH STAFF

We salute you, Mr. Kyono, the most daring editor of Yale’s most daring publication. Well, at least until next semester when Fiona takes over. Bless her heart.

Best pants Big ones. Especially if they’re just slightly too short and make your ankles cold. That’s the good shit.

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF

Best fast EVE SNEIDER, MC ’19, YH STAFF

Yom Kippur. Easy.

Best happy hour The Sbarro in Union Station has a “Buy four beers, get the fifth for a penny” deal. Run, don’t walk.

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF

Bottles are half-off at Barcelona on Sundays, which is great if you’re trying to get very genteelly fucked up on a school night. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who just thought, “Wow, I can save half the money I’d normally spend on wine,” and those who thought, “Wow, I can drink twice as much wine for the same money!” The first category already has a 401k. The second category is me, and I am a disaster.

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF

Best happy hour if you like wine

Best AND Worst place to get a zit

NICOLE MO, BK ’19, YH STAFF

It’s on your butt, because nobody really sees it but also it hurts to sit and is embarrassing for you.

Best reading material for procrastinating writing your thesis (or other large paper) It’s a dark and grim and cold Monday night in December, just past 2:00 a.m., and you’ve just spent the last hour going back and forth on whether to use 11pt or 12pt font for your three total footnotes. In other words, you’ve earned yourself a snappy four-hour reprieve from the Important Work of charting the intersection between [thing I did] and [idea I have]. Having watched and rewatched the entirety of The Great British Baking Show twice (that’s four total times? Idk), it’s time for something new, something inspirational, something literary. Strap in, because this year’s latest pump-up text makes Rupi Kaur read like Rupi Kaur, depending on your perspective on Rupi Kaur. Of course, I’m talking about the Rhodes Trust’s “Profile of Winners” page, where you can read all about all of the people roughly your age doing amazing stuff! Shout out Eren, Rayan, and Riley! Because what better way to articulate the process by which [subject I’m writing about] evolved into [institution I’m critiquing] than by obsessively comparing yourself to more accomplished versions of yourself! Now, back to those footnotes! 8 THE YALE HERALD

ROB NEWHOUSE, GH ’19, YH STAFF

In the toilet, obviously. Drink some water afterwards and open a window to air out the smell. Ask for paper towels if you need them, and let another friend help you home.

Behind the washer/dryer.

Best way to sign off an email

BIX ARCHER, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best place to vomit in your enemy’s house

BIX ARCHER, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best place to vomit in your friend’s house

The Best Way To Sign Off An Email is not Sincerely, because that does not sound sincere. It is also not Fond Regards or Yours. xoxo is ok but it has to be ironic. The best sign off is Best. Best,

ELLIOT WAILOO, SY ’21, YH STAFF

The best way to drink tap water is to put your head under the faucet, twist your head so that your mouth is facing upward, open your mouth as wide as possible, and run the water straight down your throat.

Best writing tool DAVID HURTADO, BF ’20 Command-C, Command-V

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best way to drink tap water

Best missed connection Me and the grown up man I see jogging at night through Cross Campus. I don’t know your face or your name, but that doesn’t matter. You have two gorgeous dogs, what I assume to be yellow labs, and you dress them in light-up harnesses to go running and it pains me but I never say hi, and I’m sorry. I may not know you, and you definitely don’t know me, but your dogs are perfect and I love them exactly as they are.

BLEU WELLS, ES ’21

LYDIA HILL, BK ’21

Best chai Book Trader Vanilla Chai. It’s sweet, it’s strong, it’s like sitting at your mother’s kitchen table on a rainy morning, curled up with a blanket and a good book.

Worst spicy chai Koffee? What their chai makes up for in milk, it lacks in actual chai. It is neither spicy nor strong, it is the poor man’s eggnog.

Best pet

BLEU WELLS, ES ’21

Neo.

Best spicy chai

SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

Surely you would think that the best spicy chai would be the spiciest chai. That very well would be true, if Jojo’s didn’t taint every cup of chai latte with an ungodly amount of tea leaves. Therefore, the best spicy chai has to be that of Blue State on York. Gentle but firm, the sweet and spicy balance of their piping hot chai makes this beverage the belle of the ball.

Best cheer The best cheer is The Yale Herald Cheer. It goes like this: H-E-R-A-L-D Pick up a copy and start to read! H-E-R-A-L-D You can’t love it more than me! 10 THE YALE HERALD

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best Worlds

Both of them.

SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

Best Water Bottle PHOEBE CARDENAS, BF ’21

The best water bottle is a Nalgene with a skinny mouth. Like a regular Nalgene, when I use a skinny-mouth Nalgene, I look like I know how to hike. Unlike a regular Nalgene, when I use a skinny-mouth Nalgene, I can walk and drink at the same time without spilling on myself. All the clout with none of the mess.

Worst spread MARINA ALBANESE, PC ’20, YH STAFF

Best soul

Margarine!

RASMUS SCHLUTTER, MC ’21, YH STAFF

Best spread

Neo.

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF The Herald spread!

Worst nosebleed BIX ARCHER, BK’19, YH STAFF

Best nosebleed BIX ARCHER, BK’19, YH STAFF

Getting smacked in the face on the dancefloor

Getting smacked in the face on the dancefloor!!!!!!

Best Time To Eat Trans Fats It is never a good time to eat trans fats.

HARRY RUBIN, TD ’21, YH STAFF

THE HAT W S

LIST

BLACK G N I TH

1. Tasty Videos 2. Home Videos 3. Vegan Preachers 4. Cosine 5. Ty Dolla Sign 6. The war on coffee 7. Starbucks 8. Adderall 9. Bladder control 10. Full Bladders 11. Full Baby Potties 12. Getting pegged with the door open 13. Hearing someone get pegged 14. Feeding two birds with one scone 15. Feeding a fed horse 16. Dried up sticky rice 17. Sticky Hands 18. Chronic Masturbation 19. Bloody Hands 20. Masturbating on your period 21. Getting caught red handed 22. Naughty red riding hood 23. Naughty Elves (Keebler, you know what you’ve done) 24. Big Bad Wolves 25. Wolf Packs 26. Vulfpeck (jk, we love Vulfpeck) 27. HAIM 28. The Gulf War 29. Not being invited to GHWB’s funeral 30. Hillary and Donald sitting in the same pew 31. Tony the Tiger Porn 32. Smokey the Bear 33. Ring Pops 34. Long johns 35. Long John Silver’s 36. Three Sheets Meatless Mondays 37. The Hokey Pokey 38. Hanky Panky 39. Homophobia 40. Arachnophobia 41. Arachnophilia 42. Trypophobia 43. Tyco 44. Typhoid Mary 45. The Tylenol Killer (never found) 46. Skinny Ties 47. Tyler Perry 48. Ty, from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 49. Not knowing what happened to him^ 50. Tide Pod jokes

51. The Tides 52. The Ides of March 53. Clooney 54. Clowns 55. Google Arts and Culture 56. Getting matched with Orientalist paintings smh 57. Silicon Valley, both the show and the place 58. Open Concept Massage Parlors 59. Open Concept Misogyny 60. Mistletoe 61. Missiles 62. Earwax 63. Cousins that are taller than you 64. Green bananas 65. Fergie, as member of TBEP, but not solo 66. The eighth year of every decade 67. The death of Heath Ledger 68. Thinking and eating at the same time 69. Pizza nightmares 70. Pizza farts 71. Calling Le Corbusier “Corbu” 72. Drunk peeing w/o an audience 73. Peeing at all, ew! 74. 127 Hours, the movie and the time increment 75. 4 Minutes, just the song. 76. Not giving Timbaland the respect he deserves! 77. Computing and the Arts 78. Digital Humanities 79. Calling your summer camp diary “Notes on Camp” 80. Not hooking up with anyone at summer camp 81. My cock-blocking camp counselor 82. The “No Fuck” rule at summer camp 83. Grapeskin surgeries (what about blueberries) 84. Wide leg pants 85. The Try Guys 86. New Zealand Border Patrol 87. Harry Styles’ Third and Fourth Nipples 88. Analog clocks 89. Military time 90. The US military 91. Military adventurism 92. Transcendentalism 93. Dental dams 94. The Hoover Dam 95. Post Malone 96. Post Cereals 97. Poststructural criticism 98. Structural integrity 99. Banging 100. Bangs

The Datil pepper! Grown only in Florida, Datil peppers have been my favorite snack since my uncle mailed me a bunch earlier this semester. Who needs caffeine when you can just stay awake on spice? For lack of better options, the pepper also makes for a great chaser.

JORDAN COZBY, BR ’20

Best Pepper

Best way to interact with the squirrels on Old Campus NICK ABUZALAF, MC ’21

Best new bar

Start a casual conversation. Introduce yourself and mention the recent cold wave we’ve been having. The squirrel will likely respond pleasantly, regaling you with tales of the hardships of stocking up acorns for the brutal winter to come. You share how you’ve had to dodge falling acorns for the past few months and note the irony in that the very thing you avoid is the livelihood of an entire species. You exchange a hearty chuckle, wish the squirrel the best of luck, and finally head home with your newfound understanding of another’s life.

The best new bar is the bar inside of Rubamba. With all kinds of drinks and a live bartender, you’re sure to have a blast at this cozy new party spot. It’s opening very soon so keep an eye out. Bring all your friends and order a drink with your arepa!

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best thing to do drunk on Old Campus NICK ABUZALAF, MC ’21

Talk to squirrels.

Best Bread In Atticus Cafe, a short saunter past the YUAG and the British Art Gallery, loaves upon loaves sit stacked to the ceiling. The options? Overwhelming. The choice? Astonishingly clear. For a mere 9 dollars—the equivalent price of a swipe at our dear Durfee’s—a sourdough can be purchased. Crust— crusty. Center—moist, sour, well-aerated. Size—far larger than an average Yale undergraduate’s head. Consume in lecture, consume huddled in bed with your roommate, consume in the dining hall as a substitute to all inferior dining hall varieties. 6.5/7 Yalies I have forced this bread on agree: consume at all times, in all places, for all reasons.

CAMDEN SMITHTRO, ES ’21

Best people 14 THE YALE HERALD

The best people are old people. They’ve seen it all. As some would put it, they know how the sausage gets made. When it comes to people, the older the better! Talk to one for a bit, and you’ll see what I mean!

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Best Chips

Worst synonym for underwear

Chocolate chips. Creamy little drops of sweet cacao that melt in your mouth. Yum.

AYAH ELMSY, BF ’21

“Panties.” Yuck.

EVE SNEIDER, MC ’19, YH STAFF

Best nickname for my Epi-Pen

Best alarm song

The Nut Buster

SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

EVE SNEIDER, MC ’19, YH STAFF

Best weird smell at Yale The contenders are: Bass, at 1 a.m.: a soupy mixture of everyone’s late night snacks and desperation—quite overwhelmingly instant ramen; My dorm on Tuesday nights, sour whiffs of pickled radish and rice vinegar, smelling as brightly yellow as that sounds—the air is static, humidified by warm rice; Law Library, because—hot take—y’all gotta stop romanticizing the smell of old books; My beloved residential college library, Morse—at least in the first 37 minutes of stepping into the library until my olfactory sensory neurons get tired of registering that this is very much the best weird smell. Indeed, Morse always wins; the best weird smell on campus is the frustratingly indescribable, undeniably distinct smell of the Morse library. It’s not like cheese (although I am forever haunted by the sighting of a mouse in the middle of a Froco meeting during Camp Yale) or pungent, or putrid. It’s more like a ghost who breathes—Morse’s very own Moaning Myrtle, chewing a life (and death) time supply of Trident Layers Strawberry gum. It’s not bad—it’s just weird. The most weird. The best weird. And maybe it’s just me. Honestly, who nose.

In eighth grade, I set my alarm to “Get it Poppin” by Fat Joe featuring Nelly. Admins had just announced that the school day was going to start an hour earlier and the only thing that seemed like more of a joke than waking up at 5:45 a.m. to get to middle school was waking up to Fat Joe’s rousing early aughts classic. The joke lasted six years.

CATHY DUONG, MC ’22

Best sign The one in the Yale Post Office that says Photo ID “Required” SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

HP Deskjet 3630 “The Deskjet 3630 is our pick for the best home printer. It has decent print quality, a competitive price, and it can connect to mobile devices, which reflects the modern home, where more people are likely to use a smartphone or tablet than a laptop or desktop PC. It doesn’t quite have the build quality of HP’s more expensive Envy models, but if you’re looking for an initially cheap model that catches the eye when sat on a shelf, the Deskjet 3630 is a great option.” -Techradar.com

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF

Worst situation

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

MARINA ALBANESE, PC ’20, YH STAFF

Best romantic blockbuster of the summer Call Me By Your Gnome.

MARINA ALBANESE, PC ’20, YH STAFF

Best roommate bonding activity

Mononucleosis

BIX ARCHER, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best chair The best chair is a chair that isn’t too hard and isn’t too soft. It is firm enough to support your back but comfortable enough to sit in for hours. Let me know if you find it!

NICOLE MO, BK ’19, YH STAFF

16 THE YALE HERALD

HARRISON SMITH ES ’20

Best situation

Best printer

Soakin’ in a hot, bubbly bathtub with a fresh glass of rosé and few slices of prosciutto.

SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

Worst 20th birthday present

Best snack Roasted Chickpeas.

5 individually wrapped bags of roasted chickpeas from my mom.

SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF

Best wall decoration tree Old Campus So you’ve made it. You’ve moved into your 12x14 room, and you have a whole strip of wall alongside your top bunk to call your own. This is your first opportunity (other than the back of your laptop and the four Nalgenes you got for FOOT) to show your classmates what you’re all about. What will you 3M-strip to your wall? There’s an obvious answer, of course. It’s the reason you’re here in the first place, the truest reflection of who you are and who you will be: your Yale acceptance letter. Sure it was exhilarating to hear “Bulldogs, bulldogs, bow wow wow! Eli Yale!” and see the big “CONGRATULATIONS!” on the screen, but was there anything better than getting the paper letter in the mail? You know, the one on which your personal admissions officer wrote a very short note about three specific details from your application to convince you to come to the place that is now responsible for some of your darkest moments but also some of your greatest triumphs? I think not. Responsibly affix it to your cement wall with your favorite tape substitute and never forget how you got here (by playing up your participation in a klezmer band because you knew it was more unique than the math team).

EMMA CHANEN, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best tape substitute

EVE SNEIDER, MC ’19, YH STAFF

This one is obviously the clear, non-foam 3M squares (not strips). It’s sort of a process of elimination because it’s obviously not like mounting putty (gross) or whatever you call it. It’s definitely not the foam strips or the foam squares because when you need to take things down, the sticky parts stay stuck, and the foam splits down the middle. I’m also a fan of the two part Command strips with the kind of rigid Velcro parts that stick together, but those are for heavier duty stick jobs. When you’re trying to stick up your Yale acceptance letter, you should be sticking to the clear, flexible squares. Both large and small sizes will get the job done.

EMMA CHANEN, BK ’19, YH STAFF

KAT CORFMAN, SM ’21, YH STAFF

Worst way to watch The

Great British Baking Show While crying.

NICOLE MO, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best sex playlist name The Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack, but renamed Yo Hoe Hoe. It’s not the size of the ship that counts—it’s the motion of the ocean, aye matey?

Best Yale retail KBT because they heat your sandwiches with a smile every time and say hi to you in the line to Popeyes at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night.

JULIANA FANN, MY ’20

Worst things to write on a cake 1. Happy Girthday! 2. Happy Passover! 3. Happy Birthday! (in braille) 4. Sorry about the IBS diagnosis 5. Congrats! (on your IBS diagnosis)

ADDEE KIM, JE ’21

Best coffee order to signal your pseudoIntellectualism Clearly a small nitro cold brew from Atticus. Hold the milk or cream, and make sure to sip while reading that copy of Ted Hughes’ The Hawk in the Rain that you purchased two years ago from a random Brooklyn used bookstore.

Gabe Rojas, MC ’19, YH STAFF

ELLIOT CONNORS, MC ’20

Best Alternative Christmas Tree Growing up, I dreaded Christmas time. My family is Jewish, and we weren’t one of those fake ass families that celebrates both Hanukkah and Christmas. I was bitterly jealous of all my Christian friends, and not because they got presents. It was the tree. I loved the pine smell that destroyed me every time I walked into my friends’ living rooms, the string lights that caressed the limbs of the tree, and the ornaments that hung like freshly dropped balls. I begged my mom to get us a tree, and was met with patronizing dismissal. But she could see my disappointment, and with the fear that every neurotic Jewish mom has and that I’ll eventually blame for my adulthood pathologies, she came up with a solution: the Hanukkah stump. The Hanukkah stump became a beloved feature of our house during the holidays. My mom would scavenge the pine tree stands set up on Brooklyn streets weeks before the holiday, entreating sellers to cut off just a bit of the trunk. You probably don’t know that the trunk is actually where most of the sap is concentrated, so it’s actually the most fragrant part of the tree. And it’s free. So, Addee: 1, Gentiles: 0.

5 Best part of the

REBECCA SALZHAUER, SY ’22

The seeds. Good combination of goop and crunch.

Best Saint Saint Veronica. Imagine a sweaty, bloody, tearful Christ—pained from his persecution, bearing a crown of thorns, burdened by the weight of the cross on his back. Enter St. Veronica who, moved by the sight of this suffering man, offers her veil with which to wipe his brow. On this veil appears the face of Christ, divinely fashioned, miraculously complete. And Saint Veronica becomes among the holiest saints in Catholicism for her humble gesture of compassion. Beautiful.

Best Greek restaurant in New Haven

KALIMERA. delicious and Veronica recently re-enteredThe the food publicisimagination whenauthentic she was featured onand Fuckit’s Jerry on December 2017 daydate last year, as BYOB. Great 5th, place for(this a hot if you of the time want of writing) no and coincidences). is probably it to (there just beareyou your dateThis in the restauthe most attention she has received since 1300 when thousands of rant. (Seriously it’s too empty, go there and support pilgrims traveled thousands miles to see her relic in Saint Peter’s. Φανή, the superofsweet waitress.) So, I was thrilled to see her on my Instagram feed, but very saddened by the way her story had been misconstrued. She is not, as the meme suggests, “a hustler who tried to sell merch at the crucifixion.” Bless her heart.

Best Place to Sit on an Amtrak Window seat. Non-quiet car. The perfect place to hit the side of your head against the window while you listen to every single word that the woman behind you mutters. When she’s not on the phone spilling some piping hot tea about her “dumb fuck ex-boyfriend Billybob,” she’s saying, “Aw, shut the fuck up,” to a crying infant a few seats away. As you glance back at the baby, your eyes can’t help but notice that the woman holding it bears an uncanny resemblance to Idina Menzel’s character, Shelby Corcoran, director of rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline and adoptive mother of Beth, the baby Quinn gave away. The woman comforts the baby with a gentle coo. “Shhh, Beth,” she says. You can’t help but notice the cameras in your peripheral vision. Congratulations. Your life is not real or your own. You are an extra on a never before seen episode of Glee.

Best fictional Yalie Quinn Fabray from Glee. We don’t really talk about it much, but she went here too, ok? Rory Gilmore does not deserve all the credit.

REBECCA SALZHAUER, SY ’22

Holly Holiday, substitute teacher played by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

CHRISTAKIS, ES ’20

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Best holiday

She literally earned canonization by wiping sweat off of Jesus. LENA

LENA CHRISTAKIS, ES ’20

Best conversation topic Glee. Undoubtedly. Specifically, Season 2 Episode 14 “Blame it on the Alcohol” in which the members of the McKinley High School New Directions Glee Club collectively experiment with the demon rum in Rachel Berry’s basement. More specifically, the 54 seconds of cinematic gold during which Finn explains to Rachel the different kinds of drunk girls. Who doesn’t think about that at big teen alcohol parties? Just me? Fuck.

REBECCA SALZHAUER, SY ’22

Best conversation topic

Worst Saint cucumber

19 THE YALE HERALD

Worst Free & For Sale ads (these are real)

ADDEE KIM, JE ‘21, YH STAFF 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Batteries Fish salt and pepper shakers Hawaiian lei Surfer coffee table book Amazon Echo and Google Home (baby groot not included)

Best conspiracy theory This is a hard one. Here’s why: I love all conspiracy theories. I went to Costco with my mom as a kid just so I could read the magazines about who *actually* killed JonBenet Ramsey (it was her brother but her parents covered it up, DM me for details). I almost convinced myself we faked the moon landing…because of a documentary I watched about The Shining. The theory about the lizard elite that rule our political and cultural world? Sign me up for that shit. But the best conspiracy theories are the ones that hit the sweet spot between just believable and completely unhinged. That’s why I gotta go with chemtrails. If you don’t believe the government would release chemical agents into the air without telling us, you’re a narc. On the other hand, if you believe the government is using airplane exhaust to infect us with mind-control poison, then please get in touch and tell me more.

NICOLE MO, BK ’19, YH STAFF

Best way to get your nut FOUR PERSPECTIVES

FIONA DRENTTEL, BF ’20, YH STAFF

http://www.nuts.com

JACK KYONO, PC ’20, YH STAFF

After a long courtship and a beautiful marriage.

JULIA HEDGES, SM ’20, YH STAFF

“Please sir, may I have some nut?” I message my TA over LinkedIn.

JARED NEWMAN, JE ’20

In general, people should have more shame.

Worst Mambos Mambos #1-4

EVEREST FANG, ES ’20, YH STAFF AND SARAH FORCE, SY ’21, YH STAFF 20 THE YALE HERALD

Worst billionaire

Best lunch in the dining hall

EMMA KEYES, PC ’19, YH STAFF Trick question: the answer is all of them. Billionaires should not legally be allowed to exist.

IHEA INYAMA, TD ’22

It is 12:30 p.m. Hunger makes me give up on finishing the work for the class I have in an hour, and I get up and leave my room, into the harsh Connecticut daylight, in pursuit of sustenance. I walk through the doors of one of Yale’s 14 residential college dining halls, and my nose is smacked with a barrage of fresh fragrances. What wonders await me today? I think to myself, as I grab a plate that will carry my anticipated meal. I approach the buffet station and survey my options. A growing boy needs to eat. I remember Grandma’s words, and I start with the protein. I don’t even need to look at the sign to identify the meat; it could be rotisserie, fried, baked, or whatever else, but it’s always chicken, never failing to grace Yale students with its presence. The immortal menu option. I move on to the day’s grain option. My dopamine receptors go wild as I see the dazzling tray of white rice with…with nothing. It’s just white rice. Finally, I think back to Papa’s mantra. Always eat your greens, you little runt. A tear falls down my cheek as I remember the beautiful sentiment. Oh, how my family cares for me. I look down to my left, and see the vegetables: an interesting assortment of carrots, squash, eggplants, broccoli, and kale (always). They’re never seasoned, and they remind me of a dish a woman named Karen would bring to a Thanksgiving meal. I’ve made up my mind. I let go of my plate (which is still empty), and let it crash onto the floor. I walk to the back corner of the kitchen area, never looking back. The man behind the grill knows my words before they’ve even left my mouth. “Can I get a burger?”

ASMR pickle videos. Do you have a lot of work? Do you need a break? Do you like tingling sensations flushing down your body from your scalp to your spine? Try watching an ASMR pickle video between P-sets. Honestly the best way to relieve stress and recover from endless emotional and physical labor… changed my life.

HAMZAH JHAVERI, TC ’22

Best self care routine

When you’re with other people, saying “hey/hi ladies.” Are you a charlatan in a corduroy suit and a top hat sliding into my DMs to sell me snake oil? Why are you talking to me like you are trying to squeeze into a restaurant booth with all of us uninvited? It is such an ominous signal of bad tidings. Truly the worst greeting.

ELISABETH SIEGEL, MY ’20

Worst way for a male acquaintance to offer a greeting

Best item of clothing to wear to Spring Fling

Your tears will not fall. Your tear ducts will activate. Water drops will produce. They will spill out of your eyes. And they will simply accumulate in a pool. Then, they will evaporate. What does this mean? If your tears don’t fall, if your feelings can’t manifest…they don’t exist ! So I go to outer space in order to cope. Bye.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Best reason to go to outer space

A kilt.

Best text I’ve ever received from my mom

LENA CHRISTAKIS, ES ’20

KAT CORFMAN, SM ’21, YH STAFF

Best college to poop in Berkeley basement. It’s central. It’s low traffic. Great place to kick back and be anonymous.

“Eternal admiration and devotion will do.”

MIGS GRABAR SAGE, ES ’19, YH STAFF

Worst text I’ve ever received from my mom “Eternal admiration and devotion will do.”

MIGS GRABAR SAGE, ES ’19, YH STAFF

22 THE YALE HERALD

Best bygone trend EVE SNEIDER, MC ’19, YH STAFF

I’m waiting with bated breath for days of the week underwear to make a comeback. I can’t say I really understand their utility (who’s going to pull down their pants to make sure it’s Thursday?) but I love the idea of walking around all day with the day of the week emblazoned on my ass. It’s like the tween equivalent of wearing a sexy bra under a ratty sweatshirt to feel like less of a schlub. Days of the week underwear are a silly secret, a joke that’s more cute than it is funny. Mark my words, they’ll be back on the market and selling like hotcakes within the year.

Best drinking game Worst Saint Flip cup.

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF She literally earned can-

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF

Best way to be vegan

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

onization by wiping sweat off of Jesus.

Best Saint Best staircase

FIONA DRENTTEL, BF ’20, YH STAFF

Best place to have a party

away, but you know, personal responsibility and all that. Answers to these questions and more at 9:00 p.m. on Sunday night in the H-entryway first floor bathroom. It seems only right to gather in “our place.” Red wine and crackers provided. Bring a name-tag and a bathroom memory.

ISABEL ROOPER ES ’20

Best dating app Hinge. You can see everyone who “likes” you, and half of them are statistically guaranteed to be medical residents in their mid-thirties. Your mom would be so proud.

MARIAH KREUTTER, BK ’20, YH STAFF

Best eggs GABE ROJAS, MC ’19, YH STAFF Burnt scrambled. Fight me. My eggs are never runny—salmonella can take the back seat.

THEO ELLIMAN, PC ’20

Saint Veronica. Imagine a sweaty, bloody, tearful Christ— pained from his persecution, bearing a crown of thorns, burdened by the weight of the cross on his back. Enter St. Veronica who, moved by the sight of this suffering man, offers her veil with which to wipe his brow. On this veil appears the face of The And one Saint I fell down Christ, divinely fashioned, miraculously complete. when I was drunk beVeronica becomes among the holiest saints in Catholicism for her humble gesture of compassion. Beautiful. cause I was so excited to play flip cup. Veronica recently re-entered the public imagination when she was featured on Fuck Jerry on December 5th, 2017 (this day last year, as of the time of writing) (there are no coincidences). In the bathroom with all the strangers who have ignoredThis youisthe entirethe most attention she has received since 1300 probably semester. We pee together daily but we do not know eachwhen other’s names.of pilgrims traveled thousands of miles to see thousands Shirtless Boy, why do you leave your clothes hanging outside the inshower her relic Saint Peter’s. So, I was thrilled to see her on my Instagram feed, but very saddened by the way her story had been for so long? Glasses, sometimes I see you outside of our bathroom, and you misconstrued. She is not, as the meme suggests, “a hustler who pretend that we did not brush our teeth together last night. And who forgot tried to sell merch their orange peel on the shelf in the shower? I thought about throwing it at the crucifixion.” Bless her heart. V.B.T.A.B. (Vegan But Tuna And Butter)

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