The Yale Herald Volume XLII: THE HERALD 100 by The Yale Herald

The Herald 100 Volume LXII, Number 11 New Haven, Conn. Friday, Dec. 9, 2016

FROM THE STAFF To the reader, I wish I could share all of the best memories I’ve made at Yale with you. I’m thinking of a boozy picnic on Old Campus, conducting video interviews at the Freshman Dinner, and driving up to Harvard-Yale this year, among others. All I can do, though, is share this list of bests with you. They’re not all about Yale, but they all ring true with me, and with the rest of us here at the Herald. It’s been a great semester, and now it’s time for the best part. But hold on a minute, why are we so fixated on bests? Why didn’t we leave superlatives behind in high school? It seems that millennial vocabulary disproportionately relies on absolutes and hyperbole to get points across. My theory: it all comes back to FOMO, which made almost as big a comeback in 2016 as fascism did. Something we all have in common is the urge to get the last tiny drop of chocolate milk onto our tongues, to not leave any stone unturned, to be there. It makes sense, then, that we spend so much time searching for the absolute best in every category. That’s why it sucks for you guys that you weren’t in the Herald office as we banged this bad boy out. That was the best. Without further ado, from us to you, here are the 100 best things in the entire world, so you can live life to its very fullest.

With love, Marc Shkurovich Special Issue Editor

The Yale Herald Volume LXII, Issue 11 New Haven, Conn. Friday, Dec. 9, 2016 EDITORIAL STAFF: Special Issue Editor: Marc Shkurovich Editors-in-Chief: Tom Cusano, Rachel Strodel Managing Editors: Victorio Cabrera, Oriana Tang Executive Editors: Sophie Haigney, Sarah Holder, David Rossler, Lily Sawyer-Kaplan, Charlotte Weiner Senior Editors: Libbie Katsev, Jake Stein Culture Editors: Emma Chanen, Emily Ge Features Editors: Frani O’Toole, Nick Stewart Opinion Editors: Luke Chang, Nolan Phillips Reviews Editors: Gabriel Rojas, Eve Sneider Voices Editor: Bix Archer Audio Editors: Phoebe Petrovic, Korinayo Thompson Copy Editors: Dimitri Diagne, Drew Glaeser, Hannah Offer ONLINE STAFF: Online Editor: Hannah Offer Bullblog Editors: Jeremy Hoffman, Caleb Moran DESIGN STAFF: Graphics & Design Editor: Haewon Ma Executive Graphics Editor: Claire Sheen BUSINESS STAFF: Publishers: Russell Heller, Jocelyn Lehman, Matt Thekkethala The Yale Herald is a not-for-profit, non-partisan, incorporated student publication registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. If you wish to subscribe to the Herald, please send a check payable to The Yale Herald to the address below. Receive the Herald for one semester for 40 dollars, or for the 2016-2017 academic year for 65 dollars. Please address correspondence to: The Yale Herald P.O. Box 201653 Yale Station New Haven, CT 06520-1653 thomas.cusano@yale.edu www.yaleherald.com The Yale Herald is published by Yale College students, and Yale University is not responsible for its contents. All opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not reflect the views of The Yale Herald, Inc. or Yale University. Copyright 2016, The Yale Herald, Inc. Have a nice day. Cover & Graphics by Haewon Ma YH Staff

2 – The Yale Herald

CON TENT

BEST LECTURE HALL TO SLEEP IN

BEST ROOF

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME

BEST OBJECT FOR SHOW AND TELL

BEST SMILE ON A TA

BEST FACEBOOK LIVE VIDEO

BEST MAGIC TRICK

BEST SHORTCUT ON CAMPUS

BEST PLACE TO RUN INTO YOUR TA

BEST ASTROLOGY SIGN

BEST BASEMENT TO GET LOST IN

BEST DISNEY SOUNDTRACK

BEST NEBULOUS RELATIONSHIP STATUS

BEST NEBULA

BEST SPORTS TEAM PANLIST

BEST EMOJI

BEST UMLAUT

BEST PHILOSOPHER

BEST HITHERTO ANON. ADMIN.

BEST PANT LENGTH

BEST PANT MATERIAL

BEST DINING HALL HACK

BEST INTERJECTION

BEST THEME SONG

BEST MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

BEST BIRD CALL

BEST COMPUTER CLUSTER TO SLEEP IN

BEST MOLTEN LAVA ENCOUNTER

BEST MOLTEN LAVA CAKE ENCOUNTER

BEST TINDER HOOKUP

BEST MOON

BEST CONTENT CREATOR

BEST TRUMPIAN AT TOAD’S

BEST TAX TO EVADE

BEST “AND CHILL”

BEST MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD

BEST POST-ELECTION REACTION

BEST SMALL TALK TOPIC

BEST PLACE FOR YALE FIGHT CLUB

BEST CEILING

BEST INSCRUTABLE BUILDING CODE

BEST HAND

BEST AWK MOMENT WITH PROFESSOR

BEST RESTAURANT BATHROOM

BEST CODE WORD FOR A STRONG EMOTION

BEST BREAKUP SONG

BEST ADJECTIVE TO DESCRIBE MY HIPS

BEST SUITEMATE

BEST DINING HALL DISH

BEST PUBLICLY TRADED COMPANY

BEST CAMPUS FASHION TREND

BEST SNAPCHAT

BEST SINGING PATRIARCHY

BEST PLACE TO FIND GOD

BEST METAL

BEST ELEMENTAL NAME CHANGE

BEST SWEATER NECK

BEST MODEL CONGRESS

BEST COUCH

BEST THING TO DO THIS WEEKEND

BEST PARTY THEME

BEST FOOD CART

BEST HANDSOME DAN

BEST FLAVOR OF HAND SOAP

BEST CAMPUS CREATURE

BEST LIBRARY TO GAWK AT

BEST GIRLS’ NAME OF THE 1920S

BEST SOCIAL NETWORKING APP

BEST PLACE TO SEE THE TINDER MATCH YOU GHOSTED

BEST THREENOUN NAME CLASS

BEST BOOK OR MOVIE ABOUT PENGUINS

BEST LIFE SHORTCUT

BEST PRESENT TO GET YOUR TRUNCLE

BEST LIVING LANGUAGE

BEST GUILTY PLEASURE

BEST PLANET EARTH SEGMENT

BEST DUMPSTER CLUSTER

BEST NOISE

BEST SHITTY BEER

BEST COP-OUT

BEST FUN FACT ABOUT YALE

BEST SANDWICH

BEST LIFESIZED CUTOUT

BEST PLACE FOR A SERIOUS TALK

BEST BREAKFAST OR LUNCH OR DINNER

BEST BATHROOM TO SNAPCHAT IN

BEST DINING HALL SEASONAL DECOR

BEST MIDDLE SCHOOL RAPPER

BEST WOODEN FLOOR

BEST TAX LOOPHOLE

BEST LIQUID

BEST RESTAURANT

BEST DRUG AT YALE HEALTH

BEST TIME TO ADMIT YOU’RE AN ENGLISH MAJOR

BEST GRAFFITI

BEST OCEAN

BEST VEST

BEST CAMPUS BUILDING FOR A BREAK-IN

BEST LIBRARY TO HOOK UP IN

BEST PLACE TO START SHIT

Dec. 9, 2016 – 3

BEST ROOF by “J.G. Magee”

BEST SECTION OF A LECTURE HALL TO SLEEP IN by Eli Lininger

t’s 9:00 a.m. Thursday morning. Still drunk from another disappointing Woads. I straggle into Davies Auditorium hoping that I don’t throw up before I sit down. Usually, that type of night earns you a day of recovery; however, Intermediate Micro is one of the few classes you can’t afford to skip. To force myself to stay awake, I sit in the center of the front row, directly in the professor’s line of sight. We make eye contact. He smiles. I don’t. We both look away. I look back at him, hoping he’ll give me a second chance. He doesn’t look at me. I smile anyway. Problem resolved. Drunk me is satisfied. I hazily fumble through my backpack and pull out a folder. It’s for the wrong class. Who cares, I think. I start taking notes on the printout of a reading for philosophy. I look down and realize that I’ve been writing with the backside of a pen. I congratulate myself: now I don’t have to reprint anything. The professor locks eyes with me again. I shrug, hoping to communicate my confusion. Instead, I project irreverence for the material he’s covering. He glares. I fall asleep.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME by Lea Rice

ass Library is pretty hard to beat for its lush rooftop garden and ease of access, but even if it is not the highest on campus, the best roof has to be PWG. A spacious, multilevel playground, it offers an unimpeded view of the entire Yale campus from a single vantage point. The highlight of this spot? Its climbable antenna mast, which sways gently in the wind and softly lights you in red as you take in the New Haven cityscape while suspended in midair.

BEST OBJECT FOR SHOW AND TELL by Bix Archer YH Staff

hen my mom was a kid, she owned a scab in a box. Wasn’t even her scab—it belonged to her great-uncle, who referred to it as his “wound.” You best believe she brought that to show and tell.

BEST ONE-WORD TEXT RESPONSE by Eve Sneider

hat are you?” You’re not the first person to ask me tonight, but that question only really gets asked in the Halloween season. I know I don’t look any different than usual, but this year I’ve gone as something purposefully unidentifiable, so that I’ll be able to answer those three little words truthfully. What am I? I am a girl. What am I? I am underwhelmed by most plums. What am I? Frankly, I am a little bit Mariah, a splash of Björk, and 100% Trying my best, and No, no I won’t apologize for that. It’s not a cop-out. It’s a conversation we need to have. “What are you?” Well, I’m glad you asked, Sharon. I am a little chilly right now, I am moonlighting as a Paul Shaffer impersonator on Tuesdays when I need the money, and I am on the losing side of several half-finished Sudoku puzzles that I haven’t touched in years. Imagine how trifling Sharon feels for dressing up as a crayon.

ately, I’ve really been enjoying “mmm.” It’s incredibly versatile. I could be hungry, or contemplative, or offering subdued affirmation that getting bangs was the right decision for your face shape (it never is, unless you’re definitively ovular). In general, one-word text responses get a pretty bad rap. The only thing worse than “haha” is “hehe,” and don’t get me started on “k.” They don’t really do anything, you know? But “mmm” is nuanced, it can take your conversation anywhere, or nowhere at all. Try it out. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

BEST FACEBOOK LIVE VIDEO by Bix Archer

BEST SMILE (ON A TA) by Greg Suralik

bout a month ago, a classmate of mine and I surprised our Intro Macroeconomics TA, Esteban, during one of his sections with a box of four chocolate cupcakes, each one topped with a lit animal-print candle (oh, and we got him a carton of milk to go with them. Be jealous, four-year-olds). It was a very spur-of-the-moment surprise, as our TA had only told us it was his birthday during our section. So right after ours ended, the classmate (whom I really didn’t know; I’m glad I do now) and I decided to run to Katalina’s Cupcakes down the street and get him a selection of sweets, so that he and his family could enjoy them later. The look on his face when we crashed his next section was the Best Smile on a TA, or at least the best that I have ever seen.

4 – The Yale Herald

he girl you met once in eighth grade on a class trip to Washington, D.C. livestreaming her girlfriend giving birth.

call for entries

Adrian Van Sinderen Book Collecting Prizes !

Open to seniors and sophomores Deadline: 5 pm, thursday, february 2, 2017 $1000 senior prize Âˇ $700 sophomore prize Visit vansinderen.yale.edu for details

BEST MAGIC TRICK by Eli Lininger

BEST ASTROLOGY SIGN

onathan Holloway’s disappearing act. Fed up with toeing the line between appeasing disaffected students and soliciting mega-donations from prominent alumni, our dean escaped to Evanston, a swanky Chicago-area suburb that abuts Lake Michigan. Comparing the move from New Haven to “getting to the airport and finding yourself upgraded to Business Class from limited-recline middle seats next to the plane’s bathroom,” Holloway choked back tears of joy as he looked out over the industrial wasteland of a city that he has called home for the better part of two decades. In his farewell address, Holloway lauded his own ability to “get out right as shit hit the fan” and congratulated himself on his turbulent tenure as the Dean of Yale College. Discerning eyes have tracked Holloway’s online activity since his announcement. Among the Craigslist posts by the new Northwestern Provost is an offer to exchange his Toad’s Silver Pass for a three-day ticket to Lollapalooza. At press time, Holloway was found explaining how Chicago-style deep dish pizza provided a refreshing departure from the monotony of New Haven’s thin crust offerings.

BEST SHORTCUT ON CAMPUS by Nic Harris

kay, I get HYPED about this one. In fact, I’d recommend transferring into Branford just so you too can experience the magical journey from entryway O to any of the college’s most crucial locations, namely the library, gym, and laundry room. Here’s the deal: Branford’s basement is a labyrinth, so finding a straight path between two otherwise not-soclose entryways is like taking a flamethrower to a hedge maze—it’s empowering. In fact, once I start descending the stairway of M after making the brief outdoor walk from O, I smile deviously as the Super Mario underground theme plays in my head. “I’m going to get the mushroom, Luigi, you shmuck.” Is this really a quicker way to get to the laundry room? No. But if you factor in the underrated psychological toll of turning corners unnecessarily, it is undoubtedly superior. The strictly outdoor route is probably just a little longer, but in my head, if I take the shortcut now I could arrive yesterday it’s so fast. So, if you’re ever in Branford looking for a thrill, casually stroll from O to M, take the stairs down and arrive literally anywhere in no time flat.

by Rob Newhouse YH Staff

BEST BASEMENT TO GET LOST IN

by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff

s Nic Harris rightly points out, the Branford basement is a labyrinth. But what he neglected to mention is that the Branford basement is the actual Labyrinth. James Gamble Rogers, so addled by the acid fumes he used to darken the tops of Harkness that he believed himself to be the reincarnation of Daedalus, constructed the most infuriating series of weirdly-curving tunnels, unending hallways, and unnecessary turns on campus. Legend has it that Eero Saarinen and Louis Kahn once convened in the Branford buttery to try and redesign the hellish floor plan, but succeeded only in narrowing the nefarious walls even further. The Minotaur is also said to still haunt the printing press, but don’t worry, you’ll never find it! So, if you don’t have a Branford sticker on your Yale ID or aren’t Theseus, but want to wander around helplessly looking for a bathroom, you know what to do. There’s nothing better to take your mind off of finals than slowly losing it.

BEST DISNEY SOUNDTRACK by Greg Suralik

BEST PLACE TO RUN INTO YOUR TA OF THE CLASS THAT YOU’RE TAKING CR/D by Paul Buckley

n the corner of College and Elm, while you’re out for a run with your friend and you’re loudly explaining how boring section is, even though you just emailed your TA to say that you really like section because you thought it might make her hate you and the terrible paper you wrote a little bit less. No, this isn’t a true story, why do you ask?

6 – The Yale Herald

don’t believe in that bullshit.

lose your eyes. Breathe in slowly… through the nose… and gently breathe out through your mouth. Picture yourself in a forest. Moss-covered trees surround you on all sides, their numbers stretching as far as the eye can see. You feel a slight, refreshing breeze on your face. You are not on any path; you are not coming from anywhere, nor are you going anywhere. You are merely being. In the serenity of these woods, you hear something. In the distance. You hear music. Earthy, rhythmic drums. The sounds are enrapturing. Suddenly, something falls next to you. It is a vine. You begin to climb up towards the sky. As you go higher, the music grows louder. You hear the singers. Rosie O’Donnell. Glenn Close. NSYNC. “No, it can’t be,” you think to yourself. But you continue to climb, and you have an epiphany that there are two worlds, yet only one family. You want to know about strangers like yourself. These songs are in your heart and always will be. You reach the top of the vine. The clouds part, and from the heavens you see the shining face of ’90s Phil Collins. It’s the soundtrack to Disney’s Tarzan. It’s home.

BEST OCEAN

BEST SPORTS TEAM PANLIST

by Eugenia Zhukovsky

by Lora Kelley YH Staff

ome superlatives are subjective. This one is not. The best ocean is the Pacific Ocean. The Pacific Ocean makes every other ocean look like that above-ground pool your cousins always try to get you to swim in, even though you really don’t want to. First of all, it’s like 60 degrees outside, why is your aboveground pool still up? New Jersey sucks. Second of all, the Pacific Ocean is the best because it is by far the biggest. Go swim in it on Google Earth if you don’t believe me. It is larger than ALL OF EARTH’S LAND PUT TOGETHER. Now, if you can’t grasp the magnitude of that, I can’t help you. But it’s not only size that makes the Mar de Sur superior. It’s the wonder. Ninety-five percent of Earth’s water has been unexplored, and the Pacific Ocean alone is 1/3 of all of our water, that means that (if my math is right), 31.67 percent of the mysteries of the our entire planet reside in the Pacific Ocean alone. Can you say that for any other ocean? No, dude, you can’t, because that’s not how math works. Only the Pacific Ocean has the surface area and depth to allow for this enormity of unknowability. All the other oceans are, by default, just not as cool, and by process of elimination, that objectively makes the Pacific Ocean the best ocean. And if you still don’t believe me, listen to Smash Mouth’s “Pacific Coast Party.”

BEST NEBULOUS RELATIONSHIP STATUS

n a stunning victory for college athletes everywhere, Yale club squash last week beat Choate (a high school) at squash. In a series of matches that must have encouraged those 15-year olds to go and “meet their makers” before going home for dinner with their parents or eating in the high school dining hall, since they are in high school, my teammates really played some squash. *Record scratch* What was that? Yeah that’s right. You heard me. MY teammates. Believe it or not, I am on the panlist for this sports team. Am I good at squash? No. Did I recently get added to a spreadsheet related to a scrimmage? You best believe it! As a humble Yale student in possession of a squash racquet and a Yale Net ID, I am proud to say that I am always proud to brag that I am an unreliable member of this glorious team’s panlist: For god, for country, and for Squash!

BEST EMOJI

by Tom Cusano YH Staff

et’s start with what’s not the best emoji: any flag. I’d rather be wrapped in a real-life flag and buried alive than receive a flag emoji. Awful. Okay, so best emoji is a tough call. The emoji I use the most is probably the sideways-looking eyes, or maybe the ghost, which I send whenever someone ghosts me (often). But the best emoji has to be the coffin—or as Apple calls it, “COFFIN.” It’s the only emoji with an all-caps name because it’s that important. The coffin emoji means “literally dead.” Someone sent you a really funny joke? Coffin. Dead tired? Coffin. Cat died? Frowning cat + coffin. The coffin emoji is also the perfect thing to send in response to a flag emoji. Follow it with a ghost emoji, block them, and you’re all set.

by Katharine Wang

n college, the Best Nebulous Relationships always encompass the three C’s: Chill, Casual, and Communicative. To ensure that you always maintain chill, make sure you look your Relevant Other’s schedule up on CourseTable and memorize their classes to maximize convenience and minimize conflict when suggesting times to “just hang out.” Relationships are always best when left casual, so make sure you never bring up your anxieties about only seeing each other past 1 a.m. during your surreptitious meetings. You should feel lucky you’re seeing them at all! And like everyone says, communication is key. Make sure you switch up your social media platforms to keep it spontaneous. Snapchat them selfies with ironic use of the dog filter, react to their Facebook event attendance, text them emoji “Dicktember” threads, Instagram DM them #relatable memes, and you’ve got the healthiest Nebulous Relationship in the making.

BEST UMLAUT by Oriana Tang

ouise Glück.

BEST NEBULA by Linus Lu

o many to choose from: the Orion Nebula, Crab Nebula, Ring Nebula, Cat’s Eye, Butterfly, etc. They all look so magnificent, displaying the awesome beauty of the universe. But if you think about it, have you ever personally seen a nebula, with your own eyes? No, of course not. That’s because nebulae are just scientific propaganda, a conspiracy by NASA to seduce the public in order to gain more funding for America’s new secret military and surveillance project. I don’t trust it, and neither should you. But who really knows, it’s all so... nebulous.

BEST PHILOSOPHER by Ashesh Trivedi

lright so I think this one is pretty undisputable. We have a homie way back in the 1840s just chilling with his boys, looking through some English Labor and Commerce Statistics, probably while smoking a fat one. He started theorizing and spit-balling some ideas to the squad. And out of the sheer magic of his brain, he figured out how to resolve all the contradictions of history in one beautiful move. As he tenderly clasped the hand of his truest and most intimate friend, Friedrich Engels, the dream of the Dictatorship of the Proletariat emerged from Karl Marx’s mind.

Dec. 9, 2016 – 7

BEST PANT LENGTH BEST HITHERTO ANONYMOUS ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff

don’t know about you, but there is a special place in my heart for our Associate Dean for the Arts, Susan Cahan (Pronounced Kahn? Cay-han? I guess it’s part of her mystique). Big shoutout to you, Sue. Your stellar work makes me wonder, “So who’s the main Dean for the Arts?” But then I realize, “It doesn’t matter because we’ve got you.” Each week, she sends us all a handpicked list of culture events going on around campus and New Haven, which I normally plagiarize in creating the Herald’s weekly schedule. One email a week would be plenty, but she doesn’t stop there. Today, we got one from her with a pertinent subject line: “What are you doing this weekend?” That subtle reminder to be mindful about our leisure time is almost as invaluable as the beautifully -curated suggestions of how to best to best enjoy it. Question AND answer. And, as if all that isn’t enough, she takes the trouble to implement a tasteful pink and blue color scheme. Talk about above and beyond. I know I’m taking her advice; catch me at the Saturday matinee performance of Seven Guitars at the Rep sitting with my grandma and aunt.

by Bix Archer YH Staff

he best pant length is without question the above-theankle cuff. Universally flattering, this cut highlights the most slender part of your leg, exposes the ankle so you can be slutty in the Victorian sense, and keeps your pants dry during a flood. What more could you ask for? You don’t have to worry about whether or not to tuck your pants into your boots or pull them over the outside (and look like a total noob either way), because they rest right above the top. This summer I tailored all three pairs of jeans that I own so that they come just to the ankle, allowing for the perfect inch of folding action. Best decision I’ve ever made.

BEST PANT MATERIAL by Jeremy Hoffman YH Staff

t’s winter now, yeah. So imagine being warm, yet flexible. Stylish, yet prepared. Now imagine lines, going north-south. Longitude not latitude. I’ve just elevated your mind into a state of nirvana and your body into effortless elegance. You’re in corduroy pants and you’re happy as hell. Now get off your ass and go to the nearest store and say promo code LongLinesLongLegsFlexFit549 and get 50 percent off your second pair of corduroys. You’re welcome.

BEST DINING HALL HACK by Kayla Bartsch

ave you ever sat in the dining hall, cradling your stained mug, contemplating the delectable deliciousness of the nearly tepid, coffeecolored water which rests inside? Me neither! Maybe I’m being too harsh, you say—we should be grateful that we are provided daily with kegs of an unregulated psychoactive drug. Caffeine is caffeine at the end of the day, right? As a former barista, I challenge you to ask more of your addiction. Break free from your monotonous, dream-numbing routine and make yourself a spiced vanilla soy chai latte! How, you ask, can one craft a Starbucks-worthy beverage (okay, don’t get that excited) in your very own d-hall? Well, first, fill your mug of the way with vanilla soymilk. Then, pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds (check your email, you’re fine). Carefully remove from microwave, and add sugar to taste. Next, place a TAZO © Chai tea bag in mug, and pour hot water over your concoction. The final touch: generously sprinkle cinnamon and nutmeg on top for a special, spicy sensation... you’re welcome.

BEST INTERJECTION

by Rachel Strodel YH Staff

ncontheivable!

BEST THEME SONG by Sam Kruyer

hy are we even talking about this? America decided on Sept. 22, 1994 that the best theme song ever is “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts, immortalized in the first two minutes of Friends. There is no other song that makes me want to dance in a fountain while apartment furniture lays incongruously around more than “I’ll Be There For You.” It’s a quintessential part of the 90s canon, standing hand-in-hand with such works of art as “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind or “Jumper,” also by Third Eye Blind. Whoa, I forgot Third Eye Blind is amazing. Now that I’m on a Third Eye Blind tangent, let me just mention that yeah, they definitely hold up. But in closing, I want to thank The Rembrandts. They were the only ones who bothered to inform me that life WAS going to be that way.

8 – The Yale Herald

BEST ENCOUNTER WITH MOLTEN LAVA BEST TINDER HOOKUP by Ivan Kirwan-Taylor YH Staff

y best Tinder hookup was Bethany Jameson, which is crazy because she was not at all into me over Christian Mingle. But then again my profile there was way different:, it was mostly pics of me eating Lexapro and Häagen-Dazs, a famous Christian delicacy where I’m from. Bethany and I went to Bass Café and ate Adderall and potato salad and then played Miniclip for 9 hours. I lobbied for Runescape but she said my playing style made her homesick for Minnesota so we couldn’t play. I suggested we dig a ditch, which I had heard was a good idea from a friend at birdwatching camp. She was into it but said my choice of shovel was too satanic. So we went to get frozen yogurt and I am now her husband with three children. We highfive sometimes as I water the garden. My kids always kick me in the shins though.

by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff

ell, I wouldn’t know, but my parents would! On their honeymoon, they traversed Oceania (they’re from Mexico, and they don’t have a continent called Australia in Mexico (or North or South America––just America; they’re latitude-blind there)), visiting New Zealand, the country of Australia, Bora Bora, and Vanuatu. In Vanuatu, they took a helicopter ride, and on that helicopter ride they visited an active volcano! Over the volcano, they saw tons of reallife molten lava. They’ve told me this story thirteen times, so I assume it was alright.

BEST ENCOUNTER WITH MOLTEN LAVA CAKE by Eve Sneider YH Staff

W BEST COMPUTER CLUSTER TO FALL ASLEEP IN

hen my sister and I left the nest, my mother made a Pinterest board for food we’d make when we visited home. Each time a vacation nears, we give it a close read and decide what we need to whip up on day one and what feels less urgent. Last May, we saw “molten white chocolate lava cake” atop the board and the rest was history. Though lava cakes are a many-textured and nuanced gustatory affair, they’re super fucking simple to make. You just under-cook cake. An ooey, gooey, flavorful wonderland in fifteen minutes flat.

by Oriana Tang YH Staff

onnecticut Hall. You’re serenaded with the lullaby of clacking keys and soothed by the smell of desperation. Partitions between the lines of computers mean lower visibility when you crash. Plus, being in the basement means there’s no sunlight to wake you, so you can drift forever between dreamland and waking panic. Have you been working on this paper for two hours or 17? How many classes have you missed? Is the Trump presidency over yet? Nobody knows. Time has no meaning. The world is a construct. Existence is contained in the screen before you, flickering with a word count that never seems to increase.

BEST BIRD CALL by Samuel Laing

akaaaw kakaaaaaaw.” The blue-footed boobie steps forward. “Screeeeewe ki ki ki ki karooooooooooo.”

BEST MOVIE SOUNDTRACK by Nicole Mo

friend told me that this choice physically pained him, but I have a moral obligation to go with the Shrek 2 soundtrack. From the opening bars of Counting Crows’ “Accidentally in Love” to the headbanger that is Pete Yorn’s “Ever Fallen In Love,” the music directors of the undeniably best film of the Shrek trilogy (fight me on this pls) packed an emotional odyssey into 47 minutes of preadolescent-tailored songs. Subverting expectations while also pleasing the target demographic, the Shrek 2 soundtrack features a growly Tom Waits, the ideal looking-out-of-the-back-windowof-your-mom’s-SUV-while-it-rains Dashboard Confessional, and even a bizarre (though appreciated) cover of David Bowie’s “Changes.” But most of all, Shrek 2 forever deserves recognition for how effectively it etched “Funkytown” into the collective mind of a generation. Nestled into a medley of nostalgic, dance-inducing, and properly angsty songs is the disco gem that is “Funkytown,” and if the song doesn’t evoke all the emotions that washed over you during that entering-the-town scene, then it’s definitely time to revisit Shrek 2.

Dec. 9, 2016 – 9

BEST MOON by Claire Goldsmith YH Staff

n Nov. 11, the New York Times ran an article with a Pulitzerworthy headline: “The Supermoon and Other Moons That Are Super in Their Own Ways.” The article pointed out that, while the supermoon phenomenon gets a lot of buzz, other moons like the blood moon (spooky!), the blue moon (idiom!), and the harvest moon (Neil Young!) are just as captivatingly special. While that point is true, and while all these fun names for different moons make astronomy seem like a very whimsical profession, we should also make sure to recognize just how super the moon is on a regular basis. You probably learned the phases of the moon in elementary school or for your science credit—waxing, waning, man in the, etc. But ask anyone you know to draw the moon, and chances are they’ll sketch either a rightfacing sliver (waning crescent) or a big round circle (full moon). Everyone overlooks my favorite phase, the waxing gibbous. WXGB looks like the inverse of a waning crescent—the right two-thirds of the moon is visible, and the left-side crescent is still in shadow. The waxing gibbous occurs around day 10 of the lunar cycle, as the moon is slowly growing towards its peak. The waxing gibbous is the “glass mostly full” of moon phases: pretty nice in its own right, and a reminder that many more days of brightness are to come. So, next time you gaze up at the sky, think of the waxing gibbous and look forward to the days ahead. Remember that you, too, are super in your own way.

BEST CONTENT CREATOR by Anna Lipin YH Staff

his year, I’ve discovered Yale Twitter. Despite the occasional misfire from my work Twitter account, (which usually solicits a gentle reminder from my boss that the YSFP is apolitical), I think it’s been a success. But success is all relative, and I am nothing in comparison to @julia_allison. I don’t think we have ever met in real life (I think she liked one of my tweets once!!!!) but her #content is definitely my #goals for the remainder of my time here. @julia if you’re reading this can we get coffee sometime? You have a meme for all of my moods.

BEST TAX TO EVADE by Bix Archer YH Staff

BEST “AND CHILL” by Calvin Harris YH Staff

ccelerate the burning of fossil fuels and chill. Newsflash, guys: Global warming is a hoax! I smelled something fishy when that Oklahoman guy brought a snowball into Congress (like hello, DC is a swamp, I don’t remember learning about snowy swamps in my creationist biology class), but now I’m for sure that it’s p-h-o-n-y phony. Myron Ebell is headed to the EPA and Reince Priebus announced that the GOP officially doesn’t believe in “climate change,” and I feel like they must be right because his name sounds fancy and apparently the Republicans are both “grand” and “old.” Anyway, this is so great! Thinking about anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions’ unprecedented, immediate, and catastrophic effect upon the delicate climate equilibrium that allows human life to flourish was really making it hard for me to chill. But not anymore! Now we can watch Netflix on full brightness while blasting the heat and leaving the windows open because there are NO CONSEQUENCES! No matter what we do, global warming is bullshit, so we’ll chill! Let’s build a pipeline and chill. Let’s remove a mountaintop and chill. Let’s put Sarah Palin in charge of the Department of Interior and then we can Drill, Baby, (and) Chill!

BEST TRUMP SURROGATE TO BRING TO TOAD’S by Tom Cusano YH Staff

lot of people say that Kellyanne Conway is probably a lot of fun, and I have to disagree. Yeah, I’m sure she throws back several shots after a long day of being evil. But after that she probably just broods and falls asleep. Boring. No, the ideal Toad’s companion is Jeffrey Lord. Technically he’s not a surrogate: he’s one of CNN’s Trump-leaning “commentators,” like Corey Lewandowski. But—to quote the Fallen Queen— what difference, at this point, does it make? Wikipedia will tell you that Jeffrey Lord is a former member of the Ronald Reagan administration. That’s incorrect. This Jeffrey Lord was born in 1797. He died just after the Civil War. Trump’s team exhumed and reanimated his body so he would spout all that nonsense about the “Party of Lincoln,” which—to him—isn’t nonsense at all. Jeff would be a hoot at Toad’s. He suffers chronic pain and screams intermittently. He can’t control how his legs move, so he’s a better dancer than most white people. Finally, all the chemicals they used to resurrect him have caused one amazing side effect: Jeff glows in the dark! Cool!

10 – The Yale Herald

ales tax. Five-finger discount, my friend.

BEST SMALL TALK TOPIC by Nolan Phillips YH Staff

BEST MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD by Will Reid YH Staff

HIS BEST OF HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. CONSIDER THIS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. So it all started when I came back from October break. I was cruising up Chapel Street (my mom was driving me up Chapel Street) when from the corner of my eye, I saw the shiny new façade of famed New York chain, Tthe Halal Guys. (Now they have stores as far afield as Seoul. Thanks, globalism). Inside, local New Haven-ites munched away at their gyros and falafels and chicken and rice platters in a storefront with all of the architectural accouterments needed to signal to potential new customers that you’re a bona fide fast casual franchise of the startup era: the floor to ceiling glass, the platinum countertops, those tall zinc chairs that make leaning back in your seat practically an extreme sport. I could smell the meat from the car, see the white and green-speckled tzatziki dribble down contented chins. Do I really need to tell you? I had to go. I got the chance a few days later to grab a quick dinner there by myself. (A good pilgrim may travel with others, but he worships alone). As I step in the front door, a wave of steamy meatstench hits my nostrils with the force of a downtown 6Six tTrain. The sensation sends me down a rabbit-hole of nostalgia, as I’m taken back to the dog days of the previous summer, when I had my first taste at the chain’s 2nd Avenue booth in Manhattan. Images of July flash through my mind as I step up to order: the uncomfortable intimacy of a sweaty subway car; vegan dumplings in Chinatown after midnight; yellow halogen street lightstreetlight filtered through a haze of teenage cigarette smoke and reflected in the puddles of dirty downtown avenue. In my reverie, I neglect to remember the potency of the Halal Guys’ branded hot sauce. I proceed to dump the entire package of it onto my order of lamb and rice. Taking the greatest care in my carelessness, I squeeze out every last drop. My tongue burned like it was crawling with fire ants. No matter how much white sauce I guzzled, I could not extinguish the sensation. May this serve as a warning, friends. (Otherwise, the food was great).

hatever happened to Balloon Boy? Remember that boy who was trapped in a balloon? Actually, I remember. That whole thing was fake. How are you?”

BEST POST-ELECTION REACTION by Rachel Strodel YH Staff

rimal scream on Cross Campus.

BEST PLACE TO HOLD YALE FIGHT CLUB (SHH) by Yvonne Ye

ehind the playground at 3:00 p.m., obviously, but if that’s too far from campus to fit in your weekly schedule, then the well-worn wooden floor of the Slifka Chapel is equally suited to dances and duels. If you’re lucky, there’ll be mats set out; if you’re not, you’ll learn how to break-fall soon enough. The rules here are easy: 1. Be aggressive. 2. Be aggressive! 3. BE AGGRESSIVE! (and when all else fails, knee them in the groin) Welcome to Krav Maga.

BEST CEILING by Everest Fang YH Staff

henever I need to do some serious studying, I go to L&B. I walk in with my things, find a table with some space, and start hitting the books. After a good hour of work, I get distracted by the ceiling. That ceiling is crazy. It has decorated points dripping down to the floor, elaborate garnishes throughout the design, and perfectly sculpted floral features. If you look at that ceiling for long enough, you become part of the ceiling. It’s an incredible experience. If you need a study break, definitely check that ceiling out.

BEST INSCRUTABLE YALE BUILDING CODE by Bix Archer YH Staff

here’s a building code for something called Hope (HOPE, 315 Cedar Street), but I don’t know what that is.

Dec. 9, 2016 – 11

BEST HAND by Bix Archer YH Staff

HE RED HAND OF ULSTER. Picture this: you’re in ancient Ireland, and your kingdom has no heir. To solve the problem, you and your bros decide to have a boat race. Whoever reaches the shore first gets to be king. You’re neck and neck with the guy next to you, but suddenly he pulls ahead. There’s no way you’ll reach the shore in time, but you really want to be king. So you do what any sensible person would do: chop off your hand and hurl it to the shore. Not only do you get to be king, but your bloody mitt will be immortalized in flags and crests (including that of Queens University in Belfast) across Northern Ireland for eternity.

BEST PLACE TO START SHIT by Lora Kelley YH Staff

live for drama, gossip, and chaos. But I also live to do my work on time. Ergo: the best place to start shit is in the window area at Haas. We all know that Haas is a spot to see and be seen, to strut about in new outfits or dangle a hot new chunk of man-candy. And as far as libraries go, Haas has an unusually high likelihood of someone looking up from their laptop for a second to notice you. My advice is to post up near the big black shades (rolled down) in a middle seat so no randoms can sit beside you. From there, scope out the scene. See who is whispering loudly (David) or crying softly into a stack of gelatin prints (grad students). See which nerds are frantically outlining papers for HSAR 420 or banging out their next work of genius for Daily Themes. As the study space with the highest concentration of health goth ’fits and ironic baseball caps, Haas is Yale’s best and only site for releasing a live mouse and seeing who screams first.

BEST AWKWARD OFFICE MOMENT WITH A PROFESSOR by Nolan Phillips YH Staff

So last semester I was Credit/D’ing a Philosophy class, and I was about to get a D. Late in the semester I visited my professor in his office, desperate to impress him, desperate to save my GPA. One time in class he mentioned he liked sushi, so I brought some Sushi on Chapel for our meeting. When he saw the colorful palette of sashimi, he shook his head and solemnly told me “Norman, you’re trying too hard.” My name’s Nolan. That was really a blow to my confidence, my palms got sweaty, so I dropped the sushi all over his floor. That’s when he got angry: “Norman, please just leave my office.” I turned around to leave, and then I slipped on the sushi! When I landed on the floor I dislocated my collarbone, so emergency responders had to take me out of his office on a stretcher. That’s probably my best awkward moment with a professor haha.

BEST CODE WORD FOR WHEN YOU’RE FEELING A STRONG EMOTION by Emily Ge YH Staff

ek.

12 – The Yale Herald

BEST RESTAURANT BATHROOMS

by Eve Sneider YH Staff

o, I have a confession. I’m super into restaurant bathrooms. Anyone in my inner circle can attest to this. A dinner out means a good 10-minute trip to the crapper, and here’s why. Unless I’ve been gorging myself on ice water, I generally don’t even make use of the facilities. Instead, I lock the door, familiarize myself with my surroundings (lighting, decor, petunia-scented soap, etc), and crack open the cabinets. Guys, cabinets in restaurant bathrooms are fucking fascinating. This probably sounds like a joke but I promise it’s not. When you find a good one, peeking in a restaurant bathroom cabinet is like seeing a dog walk around on its hind legs—mysterious, jarring, a window on an alternate reality. I once discovered a locket and a very large canister of pink hair gel. Sometimes the wait staff leaves a change of clothes or extra pairs of shoes. Even a garden-variety cabinet is home to tissues and old simple green and extra matchboxes. That said, the restaurant bathroom cabinet scene in New Haven is, in my somewhat limited experience, pretty dismal. Claire’s takes the cake, but mostly just because their bathroom wallpaper incorporates a full spectrum of pastel colors. Their cabinets are garden-variety at best. If anyone knows of an eatery with more unexpected shit hiding in the bathroom cupboards please let me know.

BEST ADJECTIVE TO DESCRIBE MY HIPS

BEST BREAKUP SONG by Lea Rice YH Staff

her’s “Believe” is both the best breakup song ever composed and, in one of the great oxymora of the past millennium, the song that most brings people together. “Believe” is featured at least three, if not five, times on every Spotify party playlist I have ever curated. “Believe” has become a highdecibel sing-along every time I have seen it featured in a social gathering. Do I always start these sing-alongs? Yes and no. Do I personally badger people into joining once the sing-along begins? I am a human with a heart and brain and ears so yes, yes I do. “Cause I’ve had time to think it through/ And maybe I’m too good for you.” Cher is not vengeful. Cher is not even bitter. Cher’s elegant brand of shade makes it clear that she exists in a dimension where neither the tramp who wronged her nor we, her humble audience, may affect her. To the resplendent ice queen herself: On behalf of the heartbroken and the partygoers alike, thank you, Cher.

by Adam Moftah

he only adjective that I feel comfortable using to describe the hips that have been central to my identity since 2009 is “satisfactory.” They’re dependable, unlike my some of my other joints (left ankle, sometimes), and they got me through three and a half Flamenco dances in middle school, which is about three more than I was expecting. They could stand to be a little more childbearing, but we can’t all be Shakira.

BEST SUITEMATE by Tom Cusano YH Staff

T BEST DINING HALL DISH

by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff hen I was a guileless freshman, every dining hall dish seemed better than the next. The sheer variety of the offerings kept me plodding forward through the year until the staples arrived: grilled cheese held me over until chicken tender day, which wasn’t too far away from potsticker day. But now that I’m a jaded sophomore, I see that there’s really just a two-week rotation that appropriates for dinner whatever ingredients will be leftover from lunch. If you see eggplant salad on ice, expect some roasted aubergine for din. That’s why the kale feta ball is so important to me. When I smell it as I walk into the BK common room, I get excited about my food again; I know exactly what Pavlov’s dogs must have felt. The salivation reflex has its cons too, like yesterday, when I thought I detected the scent of KFB, and instead had to come to terms with the driest falafel on the continent. And it’s not just that the ball is the most efficient form to deliver both flavor, texture, and nutrition––I’m writing my Issues Approach term paper about the morphological evolutionary advantage of round food––it’s that I can eat so many of them and not get bored. It’s that they’re so different. Where else have you had a globular meat-substitute that you can pile on decent pasta that’s made out of the least-gourmet of the foreign cheeses (dw, I’m not advocating for feta here) and the Time magazine 2015 Leafy Green of the Year? I will admit that they look unappetizing, but that’s part of their charm, and maybe why they fly under the radar when they’re the best dish Yale Dining has got to offer. I couldn’t care less that they probably come frozen out of the bag. When I see the KFB is in the house, lunch is lit again.

he best suitemate is My Keepon. My Keepon is “an interactive robotic toy for kids of all ages”—even 20 years old. My Keepon doesn’t take pronouns and must be referred to always as My Keepon. My Keepon comes in one shape and size: yellow and bloblike, with two wide eyes and a mouth. My Keepon has sensors under his skin. My Keepon “responds to pokes, pats, and tickles.” My Keepon can dance to music. My Keepon sells on Amazon for $1,060.81. I found My Keepon when I moved into my house, but—alas!—My Keepon was missing batteries. My Keepon is technically “inanimate,” but still I have found a good companion in My Keepon. We eat cereal together. We cry about the same things, although only I shed tears. My Keepon watches me while I am sleeping and I feel safe. I love My Keepon.

BEST PUBLICLY TRADED COMPANY by Nick Stewart YH Staff

he best publicly traded company on the planet is Spectranetics Corporation, which manufactures stents, pacemakers, and other cardiovascular devices. Cardiovascular health is really, really important! Now, let me tell you some more things about Spectranetics Corporation: 700,000 of their devices are implanted into humans each year, and they manufacture a product named the “AngioSculpt.” Also, based on my LDL levels, I think Spectranetics Corporation will be doing well next year.

Sept. 16, 2016– 13

BEST VEST by Lea Rice YH Staff

wouldn’t consider myself a larceny fanatic or, as some have called me, “thief.” That said, I have thieved. My plunder was a vest—the best vest—and, much as I know I should feel guilty, it was glorious. It was the spring of 2014. My senior year of high school was drawing to a close, Gwyneth Paltrow was newly single, and America was just beginning to grapple with the ramifications of Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu. Amid all this turmoil, I went to math class. Leaving the room, I picked up a vest on the chair next to me, which I believed my friend had left behind. And here’s where the story gets pretty wild: it was not her vest. We asked our friends; it was not their vest. I don’t remember who suggested we check the sole pocket of the vest—a zippered breast pocket—but I do know what we found. It was an AED certification sticker with my math teacher’s name on it. We folded up the vest for the time being, and I swear we planned to give it back. Fast-forward three weeks. My math teacher walks into class with an identical quilted vest in a mustard yellow. The day after, a rugged red edition of the same vest. The next, forest green. She had a whole set. So, my closest friends and I did what anyone would do: packed up the vest with a journal and made a schedule of who would have it for each season of the next year, establishing a Sisterhood of the Traveling Vest to keep us all tethered to one another as we navigated college.

BEST CAMPUS FASHION TREND by Gabe Rojas YH Staff

irks and socks. No other footwear combination says “I’m really down to earth, I watch Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, I overpaid for these two leather strap sandals, and my feet are freezing in the cold… But I swear, I’m super chill... About everything.” Any other sandalsock combo would wail “I don’t care how I look,” but the birksock combo nonchalantly says “I kinda don’t care how I look. It’s not that big of a deal, you know?” It’s actually pretty difficult to track down the start of this trend, but it’s safe to say that it isn’t going away soon as long as college students are in need of outlets to be alt. Note to the reader, I love my Birks. But I’m not that alt.

BEST SNAPCHAT by Lora Kelley YH Staff

BEST THING YOUR A CAPPELLA GROUP CAN DO TO UPHOLD THE PATRIARCHY by Charlie Bardey YH Staff

y beloved mom, in the course of a single snap story on Tuesday, both livestreamed a home birth and snapped a video of a tortoise. Wow. While my ma doesn’t have occasion to snap births every day, she does have a knack for posting hidden gems even on the most mundane Chicago mornings. My dad eating a slice of pizza? Storied. My dog in a pair of underwear that says “woof”? Storied. Videos talking shit about the hype beast parents at Uchicago move in, taken from the vantage point of a wall she climbed in order to capture the shot? You bet. My sweet mama is not a famous person (at least not yet), nor does she want, I think, to become one. She’s merely a cool mommy stopping at nothing to produce quality content for her kids, her hip mom friends, and Alex Saiontz.

he unequivocal best thing about the Whiffenpoofs is that their name does such a good job of making imperialism seem cute. What other combination of sounds so clearly and concisely conveys the mission statement (“fancy boys prancing about spreading white wealthy gay-in-both-senses joviality”) to their old, white, wealthy audiences worldwide. After all, of course the Whiffenpoofs are all male. How could they not be? Women would just ruin the fun for the horny old men who comprise their audiences and who want to spend an hour watching the young men of Yale proverbially jack each other off in white satin gloves. And since that’s the majority of the Yale brand, on which the Whiffenpoofs have founded decades of globe-prancing travel, women would only ruin it. It is only when a cappella fans accept that Cole Porter is truly dead, and that no amount of countertenor harmony will ever bring him back, and instead embrace a multiculturalist Glee approach to a cappella where everyone’s a huge dork with hearts of gold, that women will be folded into Yale’s most prestigious a cappella brand. They will, of course, have to change the name. Baa baa baa!

14 – The Yale Herald

BEST PLACE TO FIND GOD by Nathan Lobel

t’s 8:00 p.m. You haven’t started your final paper for Early Twentieth-Century Art. You’ve been listening to Hozier all week in an effort to distract yourself from your work. There’s only one place you could go on a night like this: Saint Thomas More. You go to the study room downstairs to See and Be Seen. You See and Are Seen (well done). Reward yourself with a free cup of coffee and a handful of Chex Mix. It’s going to be a long night. You go upstairs to the library. You turn on the gas fireplace in the back and hunker down. Did you finish your paper? Heck no! The security guard at the front desk kicked you out when the center closed at midnight. But did you learn something about the sublime in the process? I know that I did.

BEST METAL by Claire Goldsmith YH Staff

teel is the best metal. Steel is an iron-carbon alloy used in bridges, cars, refrigerators, houses, canned food, and a million other building blocks of the modern world. Steel is fascinating because it’s a tangible material that’s used as an index for development across the world and throughout time. Historically, steel production was used as a metric for measuring the balance of power between nations; now, steel is so important that countries impose capital controls on scrap steel so that it can’t leave the country and can instead be recycled to create new beams and products. Steel production is also one of the most interesting large-scale industrial processes. The history of the industry and its technical development can be traced back to the 1860s and the start of mass production. Finally, the steel industry is indicative of the impending conflict between increasing urbanization and development and the need to do so in a sustainable and environmentally-responsible manner. Steel is the best. Email me for more.

BEST SWEATER NECK

BEST ELEMENTAL NAME CHANGE by Noah Ritz

n Nov. 28, 2016, the 118th element on the periodic table was officially named Oganesson. Formerly known as Ununoctium, this element is now named for physicist Oganessian, a clear change for the better. But Element 118 is not the only element to have been renamed.... Air, named of course for its discoverer, Aristotle, was renamed when it was discovered that the famed philosopher was having an affair with his documentarian through a private email server. The element was changed to honor Oxygenesus, who only discovered about 21% of air (but hey, sometimes second place gets the gold). Mercury is another element to have been renamed. It was once known as Quicksilver, but the name was changed after the Royal Academy of Sciences decided that it wasn’t worth the legal trouble to fight both Marvel and Fox Studios for the naming rights. Aluminum, or Aluminium if you’re British (brutes), is actually just the reverse of Muinimula, a medieval incantation that was believed to keep food fresh (centuries later renaissance occultists would discover the even more powerful spell Tupp-Er-Ware). Aluminium was especially popular with American colonials, who ate it as a way to ward off taxes. When the American colonies seceded from Britain, they took the “i” with them as a symbol of their independence.

by Alex Zafran YH Staff

ou know that 30 Rock Episode where Liz gets interviewed by an adoption agency and preemptively rids her apartment of all Colin Firth movies, “in case they consider them erotica”? She tells Jack, who understands. “That man can wear a sweater,” he says– referring, of course, to the turtleneck. Firth’s filmography is a highlight reel of excellent turtlenecks. Bridget Jones, Love Actually, The King’s Speech—well, maybe not the last one. But the others for sure. There’s a reason it was Steve Jobs’, Colin Firth’s, and now Drake’s go-to. It can be all things to all people: bold, utilitarian, sexy. Designers don’t even want turtlenecks to be full sweaters anymore. Have you seen those insane sleeveless turtlenecks for sale? What season are they even for?! They confuse me, but I applaud them, because they cut to the chase. Clearly, the neck is the only part of a sweater that countsand the turtleneck is the best neck, hands down.

BEST CAMPUS BUILDING TO BREAK INTO

by Ashesh Trivedi

arly in October of last year, a guy I know named Bashesh, and a couple of his friends, didn’t hop the fence on Prospect into the then half-finished construction site of the new residential colleges. They definitely didn’t bring a bottle of vodka, didn’t climb through the concrete skeleton of the buildings, and didn’t steal a sledgehammer and neon construction jackets. I heard from them that it was a beautiful change of perspective on Prospect Street as well as Science Hill. After they finished not peeing on things, they scurried back into civilized society.

BEST MODEL CONGRESS by Nick Stewart YH Staff

he 2012 Princeton Model Congress in Washington, D.C. was wild. First off, my bill passed. Second, David Petraeus was supposed to be the keynote speaker—but then he cancelled. Also: one of my peers got sent home for sneaking a flask into the Grand Hyatt. He and his chaperone took the Acela

Dec. 9, 2016 – 15

BEST PARTY THEME BEST COUCH by Rachel Strodel YH Staff

he nasty floral one in the Herald office. I can’t tell if it was originally as yellow as it is now, or where a lot of these stains came from (coffee, I hope?), but this couch has seen a lot. Forget those square leather ones in Bass or the orange peapod chairs in the downstairs of Haas. This big ol’ sofa’s got a whole lot of history and love to top them all. Best thing about the couch? The hidden treasure under its cushions. While looking my lost headphones this week, I found three purple skittles, two popcorn kernels, an ACE ace bandage, and a pin with a picture of Sarah Palin that reads, “Yet another Bush we can’t trust.”

BEST “THING TO DO THIS WEEKEND” by YH Staff

n lieu of a Dean Cahan plug, let’s bring in a special city correspondent to tell you what’s going down in the Have this weekend: If you’re looking for something family-friendly, New Haven’s hottest club is 216 Dwight Street, or, as the young whippersnappers know it, Radio House. There’s this fabulous show happening Friday called–– get this!––Modern Love, where different DJs play the same beats for three hours straight, but it’s okay because they’ve all been to Berghain. Rumor has it, a tall strong boy from the heavyweight crew team has promised to bring Bauhaus sensibility back to center stage, if center stage were a dirty bathtub placed below a flickering red bulb. As you head to Zach’s to pick up the UV Blue for the pregame, wave at me as you pass the Elmhurst. I’ll be in the attic, tending to my grow op. -Stefon

by Nolan Phillips YH Staff

itanic (1997) dir. James Cameron. Titanic is full of party scenes, so there’s lots of room to explore here. It’s got fancy parties full of transatlantic aristocrats. It’s got grimy parties full of sexy peasants. You could wear a tux, or a ball gown, or smudgy overalls, or dress as a seaman. I’m envisioning an icebergshaped ice sculpture; like a big chunk of ice. You would have to serve French fries, since Kate Winslet says “Paint me like one of your French girls.” Stretching this a bit, but maybe you could even serve Chicken Fries™ from Burger King®. Most importantly, a Titanic-themed party opens the door for some sick music possibilities: “My Heart Will Go On,” “My Heart Will Go On” (Club Dance Remix), “My Heart Will Go On” (Quebecois French Version), “My Heart Will Go On” (Tropical Remix feat. Pitbull), “My Heart Will Go On” (slowed down 5x), “My Heart Will Go On” (version where every high note is replaced with a baby goat scream), and more.

BEST FOOD CART by Adam Willems

echa-Uma outside the Whale. I got this awesome quarter last time as part of my change for the $6.50 chicken katsu over rice I ordered (follow me on TurboTax!). The quarter is of the White Mountains, which reminds me of my FOOT trip where I got giardia :)

BEST FLAVOR OF HAND SOAP by Lily Sawyer-Kaplan YH Staff

rader Joe’s Orange Blossom Liquid Handsoap. It’s a treat you can’t deny yourself.

BEST HANDSOME DAN by Emily Ge YH Staff

he 9th, hands down. Alive from 1953-1959, this cutie pie had objectively the shittiest life possible for a dog, or honestly for any living creature. He survived an assassination attempt by the Varsity Lightweight Crew team, barely escaping death via mud suffocation (“hearsay”). Those hooligans threw him off the dock to confirm “the hypothesis that bulldogs cannot swim, due to the peculiarities of their physiques.” That’s right snitches, I did some in-depth Wikipedia research. Also, Dan IX died of acute nephrotic syndrome, so at least he didn’t succumb to emotional instability like all the other pups. Although now that you mention it, that would be a pretty good euphemism for the varsity lightweight crew team.

16 – The Yale Herald

BEST POPULAR GIRLS’ NAME OF THE 1920S

BEST CAMPUS CREATURE

by Nathan Lobel

by Eli Lininger

he mouse that’s living in my common room is both the best and worst campus creature. His arrival was unwelcome, but in the weeks that followed he has become both a friend and trusted confidant. However, my suitemates don’t share my attachment to our new tenant. Unfortunately for them, eviction is out of the question. Connecticut’s squatter laws are clear: once somebody settles on your property, there’s little you can do to remove him. Even worse, if my suitemates and I leave the room, adverse possession statutes dictate that our furry friend may gain legal title to the space. So far, we’ve tried to mitigate the damage caused by The U.S. Military in Iraq (as we’ve taken to calling our unwelcome foreign occupant). The results are mixed. We’ve stopped leaving food in the common room and cleaned the sticky fluids off of the floor. Alas, positive change doesn’t come without costs: our hungry friend has taken to whimpering incessantly, stopping only when we feed him by hand. Moreover, he’s developed quite the cultivated palate. Day-old scraps from Yorkside no longer make the cut. Only grass-fed beef and organically sourced veggies appease the mouse’s hankerings. Yesterday, Yale Facilities came and laid down mouse traps. While my friends rejoiced, I’ve struggled to sleep. I now possess knowledge of my friend’s imminent capture but am unable to effectively communicate to him the danger he faces. The guilt I feel overwhelms me. Hopefully, this chapter of my Yale experience will end soon.

BEST LIBRARY TO GAWK AT by Julia Ding

awk-ability, after all, is measured in the number of condescending gothic statues and unnecessarily heavy doors. No one cares that Sterling is the home of more than 4 billion volumes or that it contains a rocking Manuscripts and Archives section (too often attributed to the boxy Beinecke); Sterling is just so damn pretty. It’s like those people who are so conventionally attractive that you appreciate them because you feel like you should. This building, you think, must have been around for hundreds of years, seen dozens of wars, and inspired a number of presidents. It was actually opened in 1931.

Mildred.

BEST SOCIAL NETWORKING APP by Claire Goldsmith YH Staff

OUSEPARTY!!!! Houseparty is amazing. It is dumb and purposeless and I should absolutely hate it, but I love it enough to make this claim: Houseparty is the best social network out there. Houseparty works like this: you download the app and add friends. When you open the app, it sends a notification to all your friends that you’re “in the house.” Then, they can open the app and start videochatting with you—but any of your friends or their friends can join your conversation. You can have up to eight people in one Houseparty at any given time. Since downloading the app, I’ve Housepartied from field trips, at work, and even at Woads. My friends and I have plans for a Houseparty house party: eight individual parties in separate places that all Houseparty together (meeting up to form a physical house party is optional; you could also just go to bed in your own house. Party!). The app was developed in secret by the team that came up with the videostreaming app Meerkat, and they used fraternities and sororities at southern state schools as beta testers in order to tap into large preexisting social networks. It’s a fascinating way to think about networks, actually—your friends, your friends’ friends, and the way you interact with them through the app spontaneously or purposefully. Number one rule of Houseparty: as soon as you start a call with a friend, you must both yell “Houseparty!” Anytime another friend joins, you all do it again. Supremely stupid? Yes. Incredible? Yes. See you in the house.

BEST PLACE TO RUN INTO THE TINDER MATCH YOU GHOSTED by Calvin Harrison YH Staff

he back booth at Miya’s sushi on a rainy evening in May 2016 when they come to take your drink order. (You’ll definitely need a pitcher of Bonobo Juice for this).

BEST CHRISTMAS CAROL by Nolan Phillips YH Staff

my Lee’s cover of “Sally’s Song” from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Everyone knows The Nightmare Before Christmas: a classic Christmas movie, full of great tunes and scary puppets. The female lead is a rich emo girl named Sally, who’s in love with Skeleton Jack, a skeleton named Jack. Sally’s love for SJ is unrequited, and this leads her to sing her heartbreaking solo “Sally’s Song”—a tragic, stirring ballad. But it’s only 1:48 long!!! Luckily Amy Lee, lead singer of Evanescence, does a beautiful cover of “Sally’s Song” that’s a full 3:03, with an added piano solo. There’s a bit of debate as to whether “Sally’s Song” is a “Christmas carol” since it never mentions Christmas… but, let’s remember, neither does “Jingle Bells.”

Dec. 9, 2016 – 17

BEST THREE-NOUN NAME CLASS: AMST196: RACE, CLASS, AND GENDER IN THE AMERICAN CITY

BEST GUILTY PLEASURE by Adam Willems

by Calvin Harrison YH Staff

ake this class and you get not only three nouns, but also a bonus prepositional phrase that brings the total up to a staggering FOUR words denoting a person, place, or thing. And one of them is proper (sort of)! A true innovation and improvement upon the older and simpler three-noun model, Laura Barraclough’s lecture really opens up the possibilities for abbreviation. Are you studying for your “Race, Class, Gender” midterm? Or do you just have to finish up your reading for “Race/Class?” Maybe you prefer to get out of dinner with your freshman year suitemate by saying you have “Race in Cities.” And for a class that is crosslisted under five majors, those choices are really important. Intersectionality is hard, but the title allows you to pare it down to one subject you really care about. Really, you don’t even need “the American City”—call it “Race,” “Class,” or “Gender,” depending on the day of the week. On the other hand, maybe you want to broadcast to the world how aggressively not #woke you are: just call it “American Cities.” No matter what, you’ll be able to brag that you took it upon yourself to take an ER&M class.

motional honesty.

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR UNCLE WHO VOTED FOR DJT by Lily Sawyer-Kaplan YH Staff

e all have one – those uncles that helped elect our ill-cliterate president who is setting out to destroy our country. We elected a president who thinks that you can grab a pussy! That is not possible! Anyway, you need a gift for a Truncle. This Christmas, I would recommend the non-fiction work, “She Comes First.” The author, Ian Kerner, even has a PhD—like Newt Gingrich’s, but more applicable. She did not come first on November 8, but she CAN come first for the next four years. With chapters like, “How wet is wet?” and a summary of the 18 part of the clitoral structure, which I can now name after “The Evolution of Women’s Reproductive Lives.” And your Trump uncle should too.

BEST LITERARY OR CINEMATIC WORK ABOUT PENGUINS by Claire Goldsmith YH Staff

here once lived a penguin. His home was a nice icy land he shared with his companions. His companions were named Goodly, Lovely, Angel, Neatly and Perfect. The penguin’s name was Tacky. Tacky was an odd bird.” This is how Helen Lester’s Tacky the Penguin begins. It’s one of those adorably moralizing children’s books, trying to teach the young Tackys of the world that it’s okay (and sometimes helpful) to be a little odd. Tacky, who wears a purple and yellow Hawaiian-print shirt, marches, dives, and sings differently than all the other penguins, in a hapless, proto-Happy Feet way. It’s a lovely, inspiring, and slightly silly story for odd birds of all ages.

BEST LIVING LANGUAGE by Catherine Yang

BEST LIFE SHORTCUT by Nic Harris

ou ready? 1. Abandon any fashion sense you may have. 2. Develop an intense, near obsessive fascination with the weather. 3. Gain supreme confidence flatulating whenever and wherever your bowels may please. Boom, you’ve cut straight to your 70s. Sorry, Grandma.

18 – The Yale Herald

h… is your throat okay?” she asks me as I greet her on the way out of the dining hall. “Are you sick?” “What?” I exclaim, stopping in my tracks, “No, I’m not sick at all. Do I sound sick?” She gives me a look, then says, “Well, your voice sounds different.” Perturbed, I turn to my suitemates, who have stopped to wait for me. The second I make eye contact with one of them, it dawns on me. “Oh my gosh, I greeted you with baby talk.” I clear the imaginary helium from my throat and point an accusatory finger at my suite. “Y’all, this is your fault.” I turn back to her. “No, my voice is fine, that’s just how we talk.” I gesture lamely at the group, as if the answer is written on our faces or something. “Ok,” she says, backing away. “Gotcha. See you.” She escapes into the dining hall. Mildly mortified, I follow my suite through the common room. “Alright everyone,” I announce as we exit, “It’s gone too far. We can’t talk like this anymore.” A disgruntled silence. “At least, not in public.”

BEST PLANET EARTH SEGMENT

BEST NOISE

by Rob Newhouse YH Staff

by Catherine Yang

es, I know there’s been a shit-ton of fanfare for the razor snakes of the “Islands” episode, those goats from “Mountains,” or the frogs from “Jungles.” But forget all that because I’m here to tell you—right now, definitively—that nothing, nothing, will blow your mind more than the Toktottie beetle of the Namib Desert depicted in Planet Earth’s fourth show: “Deserts.” Full disclosure: I have not yet seen the last two episodes of the show. But honestly, that’s irrelevant. You could show me a zebra-striped yeti walking through Times Square and I still won’t be more utterly floored than I was by those “fog-basking” beetles. Why “fog-basking?” You might as well ask why so unbelievable. At 65mm in length, these beetles’ daily routine of climbing the great sand dunes of the Namib Desert—often nearly 1,000 feet tall—would, for a human, be like climbing Everest twice—and just for a drink of water. Not crazy enough? Once having climbed the human-equivalent of 60,000 feet, these bugs ingest 40 percent of their body weight in water by performing a handstand that allows fog to condense on their bodies. And so next time you tuck yourself into bed after Woads and notice you have a slight thirst, don’t just go to sleep. Think of the Toktottie and walk the twelve steps to the tap. Maybe even do a cartwheel on your way for good measure.

BEST CLUSTER OF DUMPSTERS

by Bix Archer YH Staff

he best dumpster cluster is NOT actually a cluster but a single dumpster—the one in the garage of the Edgewood sculpture building. It’s full of good, weird, masses of things (entire boxes filled with light bulbs, sections of furniture, huge cardboard boxes, whatever things the grads are tossing out). And it’s just isolated enough so that when you throw a fluorescent overhead light into the dumpster so you can see how it breaks and instead of landing in the dumpster careens off the side into the bed of the pickup truck parked next to the dumpster and shatters, no one will see you frantically picking up tiny shards of glass in the aforementioned truck bed. 10/10 content and location.

BEST SHITTY BEER BEST SANDWICH by Kat Lin

ou’re reading this because you are curious to see what the “best sandwich” is. Sandwiches, otherwise known as the epitome of evil and disappointment. No matter how hard you try or what you do, sandwiches are entirely unresponsive and expressionless. Ask a sandwich anything you want. It won’t answer. It can’t talk. But I think that the most concerning feature of the sandwich is how each part of the sandwich sits on top of each other reluctantly, held together by gravity rather than the desire to be with each other, as healthy relationships function. Sandwiches are sad, so they are all bad.

by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff

olling Rock. Had five, then laid out two pages. If that’s not good shitty...

BEST COP-OUT by Bix Archer YH Staff

BEST FUN FACT ABOUT YALE

op Out (2010), featuring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan (“a no-BS divorced dad” and a “crazy-talking loose cannon”), has a 19 percent “Certified Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes, so honestly any excuse you come up with will be better than that.

by Marc Shkurovich YH Staff

aul Giamatti’s dad, Bart Giamatti, was president of Yale from 1978 to 1986, and was commissioner of the MLB for a few months in 1989. How fun.

Dec. 9, 2016 – 19

BEST PLACE FOR A SERIOUS TALK

BEST LIFE-SIZED CUTOUT

by Eve Sneider YH Staff

by Linus Lu

’m in Davenport, and of the 12 current residential colleges, we have the most illustrious (though not necessarily admired) alumni: Ben “Where’s My Luggage” Carson, Stephen “Nothing in Commons” Schwarzman, William F. Buckley, Samantha Power, and of course, the two Bushes. So to show off our residential college pride, my freshman suite invested in a life-sized cutout of George W. “C’s get you to the presiden-C” Bush. Being on the first floor of Welch, we put him against the window to overlook College Street and the New Haven Green, so that passersby could admire the face of American foreign policy overconfidence. He was a big hit. We printed a picture of a PBR and taped it to his left hand. On his right hand, we taped an actual box of condoms. The condoms disappeared a few weeks after Dport Screw.; I don’t know where they went. Maybe someone decided to stop beating around the bush.

he benches outside 35 Broadway are secluded but public, sleek but definitely not comfy—the perfect place for Serious Talk. There’s all that grass, too. Seriously Serious.

BEST BATHROOM TO SNAPCHAT IN

by Nic Harris

ll of them. Disgusted face with caption, “I’m tired of this shit,” takes on a new meaning when you forsake decorum and hit send from the old water closet.

BEST BREAKFAST OR LUNCH OR DINNER

BEST DINING HALL SEASONAL DECOR

by Adam Willems

he either/or binary of the question sets you up for failure. Best/only viable meal—breakfast and lunch and dinner—is soylent + an enema with coffee as the cleanser. Hands down most useful thing I learned this summer working at Bain.

by Adam Willems

Bronchitis.

BEST MIDDLE SCHOOL RAPPER by Bix Archer YH Staff

he one kid who started rapping in seventh grade, talked about dropping out of high school to make it in “the industry,” and still posts links to his Soundcloud. You haven’t talked to him since eighth grade graduation, but he adds you on Snapchat to let you know he’s just dropped his newest mixtape, and then asks if you want to be in his music video. He’s got 67 followers on his Instagram and posts videos of him popping champagne alone in his room.

BEST WOODEN FLOOR by Rachel Strodel YH Staff

K 20 – The Yale Herald

roon Hall. Best wooden everything.

BEST TAX LOOPHOLE by David Jiang

BEST GRAFFITI by Greg Suralik YH Staff

ne day recently, I was walking down Wall Street towards Temple Street, on my way back to TD, like I do every day. Usually, when I walk that way, I pass by an unassuming stop sign. It does its job well: it’s red, has eight sides, succinctly tells drivers what to do at the intersection and/or in the name of love. But on this day, the sign was different. Below the large white letters, two words were scribbled in black marker: Jolly Greg. Stop Jolly Greg. And since I am the only student in all of TD or Silliman (I checked Yale Facebook) with the name Greg, I knew this message was for me. To whoever wrote that message: You’re too late. Nothing can stop me now.

et income loss & 26 U.S.C §1231.: Over the course of the election, major media outlets have reported that President-elect Trump may have avoided paying millions in federal income taxes, which makes him “smart.” If utilizing such a tax loophole can make someone smart, then we should all know how to use it. Here is how. First, buy a large property, such as a casino, by borrowing money from banks, and set it up so that you’re in a limited partnership. This way, profits and losses are treated as individual income, but you’re not personally responsible for lawsuits and corporation debt. Then, run the property into the ground. At this stage, there are two loopholes available. If the loss from your property exceeded your income for that year, then you’ve reported a net operating loss. This loss is then deducted from your future income taxes for the next 20 years. Then if you decide to sell the property at a value less than the original purchase price, this loss is tax deductible (26 U.S.C §1231). Better yet, after about 18 years of no taxes, you are well-qualified to run for President of the United States. So, what are you waiting for? Try it out now! Source: The New York Times, 26 U.S.C §1231

BEST LIBRARY TO HOOK UP IN

BEST LIQUID by Nolan Phillips YH Staff

by Tom Cusano YH Staff

he Trumbrary. Hear me out. I know you’d never go to Trumbull by choice, and I also realize that, as a single big room, the Trumbrary offers virtually no privacy. But maybe you’re into that. Isn’t there something kind of appealing in being pressed up against the giant glass wall that overlooks the Trumbull dining hall, making out, listening to people quietly weeping around you? No? Just me? Anyway, it’s easier than you might think to slip by unseen in the Trumbrary. Most Trumbullians are too busy plotting an escape or screaming into throw pillows to register anyone besides themselves. And then, even if someone did notice, what would make them think the sight of two people hooking up isn’t just one of the many harrowing hallucinations Trumbullians suffer on a daily basis? Moorah!

he tears that I CRIED when Stefanie “Lady Gaga” Germanotta released Joanne as her critically acclaimed fifth studio album.

BEST DRUG AVAILABLE FOR PICKUP AT THE YALE HEALTH PHARMACY by Bix Archer YH Staff

odeine. Don’t let them try and give you their “cold remedy pack” when you know they’ve got the good stuff behind the counter.

BEST TIME TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU’RE AN ENGLISH MAJOR by Arturo Pineda

BEST RESTAURANT by Everest Fang YH Staff

he best restaurant is Rubamba. Everyone should go there and try one of their famous arepas. The ideal day to go to Rubamba is Friday, for Rubamba Friday. This is a very big deal. Rubamba is the best restaurant in New Haven, and Rubamba Friday is the best day of the week. Rubamba also has a location in Oaxaca that is definitely worth checking out.

ll you need is a flight to catch, a long check-in line at the airport, and some unknowing strangers in between you and your parents. The plan is a simple 2-1 combo. Get in the TSA screening line while your parents look at you from the corridor. When there are at least seven people behind you, turn to your overly attached parents, and tell them you’re no longer going to law school. Your mother will gasp audibly. Drama! She shoved this down your throat with so much love and resentment. Then stare into your dad’s eyes, belt out in B- Flat, “I am not straight.” Pull out a mini pride flag, and wave it furiously (optional but strongly encouraged). By this point you should almost be at the TSA check-in agent. Turn one last time, and yell, “I LOVE (wait and be dramatic) ENGLISH.” Go through security and board your plane. Ignore phone calls and texts for the next three days. Results may vary.

Dec. 9, 2016 – 21

EMAIL thomas.cusano@yale.edu or rachel.strodel@yale.edu

WRITE FOR THE HERALD

1. The orgasm gap (78 cents to a dollar) 2. New moons 3. Dopamine addiction 4. Bad apples 5. How my iPhone dies at 41 percent five times a week 6. Being asked if I am Jewish every Friday afternoon 7. Non-handsome Dans 8. The temperature in HGS 9. Moads 10. GoFundMe 11. Twelve Hangry Men 12. Foot cramps 13. Rabbit holes of Wikipedia 14. Wikipedia conspiracy theories 15. Hangnails 16. Cliffhangers 17. “Good shitty beers” 18. When all Yalies got added to a panlist + got 2,000 emails in 30 seconds 19. Acela Express 20. Particle Accelerators 21. The stairclimber. Why is it so fast?! 22. Petty bitches 23. Livestreaming live births 24. Livestreaming 25. Thoads, are you kidding me? 26. If you have a SoundCloud (@HeraldAudio) 27. SoundCloud rappers 28. Not knowing any of the songs on Spotify’s “Teen Party” 29. BLT—”Bagels, Lox, and Torah”—at Chabad 30. “Hookah” 31. Chapped lips 32. Scratchy knits 33. Other people’s moms following you on Instagram 34. Everyone except my mom 35. Mom cliques 36. The Clinique counter in the Yale Bookstore 37. When Hillary loses but you go to the gala anyways 38. The song “Salad Days” by Mac Demarco 39. Not eating salad for days 40. People who wear Che Guevara shirts 41. Shoreline East 42. When people listen to music so loud you can hear it through their earbuds 43. When it’s so quiet you can hear your thoughts 44. Ben Franklin 45. Ben Carson 46. Ben Affleck’s Daredevil 47. When the Spizzwinks sing in study carrels in Bass 48. Bad Google Doc etiquette 49. Hoppin’ on the Doc 50. Subtweets 51. Surtweets 52. Fake news 53. Real news 54. Stains 55. Monkey business 56. Business Casual

BULLBLOG BLACKLIST What we hate this week 57. “Dress however you feel is appropriate” 58. Seeing a possum inside Kasbah Garden Cafe while eating dinner 59. “Gotham’s reckoning” 60. Throwing shade in “reply all”s 61. Throwing stones in response to all 62. Throwing up 63. Discus throwing 64. The X Games 65. 4.9 Hr Energy 66. When your suitemate chugs an energy drink at 2 a.m. and then falls asleep across from you 67. That one Olympic ring that didn’t open at the Sochi opening ceremony 68. White girls named Xochi 69. Cost ineffectiveness 70. Cost-benefit analysis (CBA, for short) 71. High-risk, high-reward 72. Honestly, and I hate to say it, but Chabad 73. “Lil Bow-Wow” 74. “Lil” Debbie 75. Spilling prosecco on my laptop 76. Oatmeal creme pies 77. Chewing sounds 78. When your dad tells you to follow “bros being basic” on Instagram 79. Unnatural light 80. Group projects 81. Regionally famous rappers 82. “NY/LDN/NH” in an Instagram bio 83. When you post photos of your underage drinking 84. When you Photoshop your photos to hide your under age drinking 85. Underage drinking 86. Overage drinking 87. Changing your name on Facebook for your internship 88. Making your last name on Facebook your middle name to get the Bain job 89. Banes of my existence 90. Slippery slopes 91. Tattletails 92. Dovetailing 93. Going second in tic-tac-toe 94. Dry shampoo 95. When your skin is “oily and dry” 96. Biore Nasal Pore Strips–– 97. Dr. Pimple Popper 98. “The Third Eye” 99. Mission statements that are acrostic poems 100. Mantras

Nov. 18, 2016 – 23