Herald 100!! by The Yale Herald

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR I’m bitter. In my High School yearbook, I was NOT elected “Most Likely to be Famous.” My ma told me I was going places. But apparently the fine institution I attended for 14 goddamn

swer! Best view at Yale? Best library pick-up line? You know that we know… What you didn’t know. And now you can! Not only are we delivering everything you need to survive in

years doesn’t think I am Most Likely to be Famous with a capital

this wild, wild, world, we are also parsing the information into

F for F you, Carly!

100 different bite-size pieces for your curious consumption. We

Did you receive Best Smile? Best Body?! Best Person??! We

understand you crave more than the lists of prime numbers on

at the Herald are outraged that we were not nominated for these

Buzzfeed and Elitedaily. So we’re giving you a hunnid. A solid

superlatives. So we’re reclaiming the Best Of’s. And we’re mak-

hunnid. Shawty’s a 100, isn’t that the saying?

ing them better. Instead of casting infamous forecasts onto the

Enjoy kids.

futures of young adults, we’re actually telling you what you want

Signed,

to know: the best news and ideas of Yale, New Haven, and Life,

Carl

baby, Life with a capital L. If you ever wondered what the Best Frozen Product That’s Also Good Dry is, then we have your an-

The Yale Herald Volume LIV, Number 11 New Haven, Conn. Friday, Dec. 5, 2014

HERALD 100 EDITORIAL STAFF: Editor in chief: Carly Lovejoy Managing Editors: Kohler Bruno, Alessandra Roubini, Lara Sokoloff Assistant Editors: Sophie Haigney, Jeremy Hoffman, David Rossler

BUSINESS STAFF: Publishers: Aleesha Melwani, Karl Xia Director of Advertising: Adam Williams Director of Development: Thomas Marano Director of Finance: Andrew Wang

ONLINE STAFF: Online Editor: Anna Meixler Bullblog Editor-in-chief: Carly Lovejoy Bullblog Associate Editors: Austin Bryniarski, Jordan Coley, Jeremy Hoffman, Caleb Moran The Yale Herald is a not-for-profit, non-partisan, incorporated student publication registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. If you wish to subscribe to the Herald, please send a check payable to The Yale Herald to the address below. Receive the Herald for one semester for 40 dollars, or for the 2013-2014 academic year for 65 dollars. Please address correspondence to

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

The Yale Herald P.O. Box 201653 Yale Station New Haven, CT 06520-1653 Email: maude.tisch@yale.edu Web: www.yaleherald.com The Yale Herald is published by Yale College students, and Yale University is not responsible for its contents. All opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not reflect the views of The Yale Herald, Inc. or Yale University. Copyright 2014, The Yale Herald, Inc. Cover by Christine Mi YH Staff Inside Cover by Julia Kittle-Kamp and Christine Mi YH Staff

BEST PIECE OF FRESHMAN ADVICE Madeleine Colbert Stop falling in love with gay guys. Stop trying to meet everyone. Unlike high school, college is a jungle full of thousands of people you will never know. You just need to accept it; you’re not going to personally know even half this campus. But rejoice! This should be liberating! In high school you had one identity and one identity only. If you slipped up and, I don’t know, made out with a hot dog, that was your identity even if it was just one time! In college you’re constantly meeting new people and thus constantly reinventing yourself. Never before in your life have you had such a clean slate. And instead of feeling like you need to know everyone around you, focus on making a couple really good friends. In high school you were friends with a lot of people just because they were there. Now in college you can actually seek out people who have similar interests and values as yourself. Go crazy guys. Find your people. Be really into grunge and Nirvana in one friend group and be obsessed with sparkles and Selena Gomez in another. Play the field. Have a different nickname for each group. Wear your hair differently. Maybe even make your identities so different people will start to think that you have identical triplets. See where that leads you. Sounds like the making of a pretty killer rom com.

BEST TOAD’S SONG Lara Sokoloff I feel strongly that this fall was a high for pop music. Namely, 1989. More specifically, “Blank Space,” “Out of the Woods,” “All You Had to Do Was Stay,” “How You Get the Girl,” and “I know Places.” My current dilemma with 1989, however, is that it carried me through my Media and Modern Medicine paper, in addition to a five-hour transnational flight, so some not great memories are now triggered by Taylor’s melodious, digitized voice. “Trumpets” was another great tune released this semester. Unfortunately I transitioned from iTunes to Spotify just after the song came out (late bloomer, I know), so I don’t have an official song count, but I can tell you it’s very, very high. Expert tip: an all-female a cappella group at Elon University gives a killer rendition. If my mom were writing this blurb, she would pick either “Bang, Bang” (she knows every word), or “Lips Are Movin’” (she called me, held up the phone up to the radio so I could hear vague white noise, before explaining, exasperated, that it was Meghan Trainor’s new song! Unfortunately for her, my sister beat her to the punch on showing me this little number). The problem with all of these, however, is they have yet to prove their worth. In other words, no one actually believes that all cute babies will grow up into attractive adults. That’s why we have to pick a classic. I maintain that R. Kelly’s “Ignition” is the song of our generation, and the highlight of any DJ Action set list.

BEST COFFEE DATE Sophie Haigney “Hey, wanna get coffee?” This is most likely how you are going to ask your crush out. This is because we’re in college, and dinner is too much, and lunch is too friendly, and you’re afraid to do any of the weird awesome things you could do with your crush around campus (Check out the Musical Instruments Museum! Go fishing off the freeway! Break into the lab with all the human brains!). You also can’t just hang out without an activity because what would you do with your hands and your face? So you decide to caffeinate yourselves together, in case you weren’t jittery enough already. It’s cool. It’s not the worst idea ever. But it’s also not the most original. In fact, it’s probably the least. Sunday afternoon at Blue State on York is like whatever a mating ground for seals is called, but for college students. The good news—there’s a way to combat the cliché of the coffee date. It’s called a Koffee? date. If you’ve never heard of it (if you’re not in TD or Silliman), Koffee? is a cozy café located right by TD Heav. Don’t know where that is? 104 Audobon Street. It’s a trek, but the perks are huge. You won’t run into anyone you know, the coffee is good and the muffins are better, the baristas are way cooler than you but still nice, and at night sometimes they have Koffee? After Dark so you can surprise your date with beer instead of coffee (perhaps unwelcome on a week night, perhaps not, judge for yourself). But most importantly, when you ask out your crush, you get to say: “Hey, wanna get Koffee?…with a K?”

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO FIGHT THE SOPHOMORE SLUMP Lily Sawyer-Kaplan Ashley’s Ice Cream (alternate locations). The suddenly frigid third week from the end of the semester marks the onslaught of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders classified affliction: The Sophomore Slump. Suddenly your literacy skills regress and motivation is a word that no longer has meaning. During this trying time, I’ve learned that there is no such thing as too cold for ice cream. There is such thing as too cold for class. So rally your fellow sophomores to boycott seminar, borrow a car, and get the fuck off Yale’s campus. Drive to the nearby shoreline town of Guilford, Connecticut. Then buy a waffle cone of ice cream at the Guilford Ashley’s. The employees are way less stingy than the New Haven ones. Plus, waffle cones triple the amount of ice cream allotted in the child size that you paid for. It’s a whole new world out there. Instead of stressed fellow undergrads, you encounter suburban middle-schoolers and geriatric cliques. The scene really puts everything into perspective. Repeat weekly.

BEST BATHROOM Lara Sokoloff Before we get to the best, I feel like we can all agree on the worst. The literal no-man’s-land that is the Haas library’s women’s bathroom (unfortunately I cannot comment on the men’s) certainly tops that list. Mostly because it’s such a teaser. It’s so secluded and isolated, I immediately pegged it as a perfect poop spot. Until I realized this idyllic little getaway strips you of both bars and LTE, making it the most unsatisfying and truly boring of poop destinations. Luckily, Maison Mathis has you covered. The stalls have personal doors (!) and their walls go almost to the ceiling, offering added privacy without leaving you feeling stifled. There is, of course, exceptional access to both bars and LTE (haha, Haas), so you can scroll or troll or whatever it is you prefer to do on the toilet. It’s located in Maison and operated by Maison, so it is always exceptionally clean. Added bonus: the tile is captivating, really fun to just gaze at. More than once I’ve found myself sitting for an extra 10 seconds, hypnotized by its swirls.

BEST COUCH ON CAMPUS Kohler Bruno The best couch on campus is in my room. It was in my room last year too, and before that it was in my house. One day, my dad said, “Jesus, I fucking hate this couch. Can we get rid of this couch? Burn it, trash it, whatever, just get it out of my sight, Korlin.” I didn’t miss a beat. Now it’s in my bedroom. I wish I could show it to you. It’s got this nice hue of brown, caca brown—just right. It’s a three seater, but it slopes inward toward the middle, so don’t try to lie on it on your stomach because it will hurt your back. There are three good ways to use this couch: (1) you can sit butt first, (2) you can lie down on your side, (3) or you can lie down on your back. Just about the only way that this couch doesn’t work so well is if you’re someone who likes to lie down on your stomach, because it slopes inward toward the middle. But Kohlrin: why is it the best couch? Because of my memories on there. I’ve written essays on there, I’ve watched Netflix, I’ve talked on the phone, I’ve drank a beer and I’ve shed a tear. You can eat yoghurt on there, cheese, whatever. I couldn’t imagine a better friend than my brown couch.

BEST CLASS TO CREDIT/D Maude Tisch Last spring, I had a standing twice-a-week lunch date with a few friends. Every Tuesday and Thursday at noon, I would regale my squad with things I’d just learned in learned in my lecture for HSAR 110: Introduction to Decorative Arts, taught by the fantastic Professor Ned Cooke. Did you ever wonder how they bend the wood to make those chairs in the Pierson dining hall? Have you considered the different ways ceramics are formed and fired? Have you ever thought about the way fabric prints are translated and appropriated across cultures? I hadn’t—and then, Intro to Decorative Arts changed everything. You write four museum labels, each of which is shorter than this blurb, and a catalogue entry, which is a cooler way to say “700-word analysis”. You take a midterm and a final. If you’re Cred/D-ing it, this is all chill and fun and you don’t have to spend tons of time memorizing pictures of images and can kind of go with your gut on these tests and will do totally satisfactorily, I promise. The class is always fun, never stressful or strenuous. Your Cred/D is just a little safety net. Even better, section’s in the YUAG Object Study Rooms. You get to manhandle stuff that’s worth more than your Yale education—a spoon made by Paul Revere, some insane goldflaked Japanese bowls, something that is actually called a Crazy Quilt—all in the name of learning. I’ve got friends who think Cred/D classes should be those in which you’re likely to get a bad grade because of a copious workload situation. I disagree—I’m personally of the opinion that a Cred/D class should (1) make you a more well-rounded person (2) be really really good for cocktail party conversation. HSAR 110 does not disappoint—but, even cooler, it also makes you look at literally everything around you in a different light. The day after our first textiles lecture, I spent 20 minutes (precious time during which I was supposed to be getting ready for another class for which I was desperately late) just staring at a pair of my jeans. Who knew a twill weave could be so interesting? It’s the trifecta: indisputable real-world applicability, intellectual engagement, and social cachet. You’re welcome in advance.

BEST NET I.D. David Rossler Mine: dtf22. Seriously.

BEST WAY TO GET AN EXTENSION Leah Motzkin Just tell them the truth! You woke up and vomited on a hive of angry bees, and you definitely can’t complete your essay for the deadline. Oops! While this one has worked for me every time, some people can’t pull it off. You have to work really hard on laying the groundwork for this one on the first day of class. The teacher tells everyone to go around the room and say a fun fact about themselves or whatever you did over break. This is your chance to begin priming the class. “Hi, I’m Stacy! A fun fact about me? Oh gosh, little old me? Hmm, oh I got one! I am really interested in beekeeping, and think I’m going to start harvesting honey in my house on Lynwood. I’ll let you know how it goes.” A month into class, you need to go to a farmers market, buy honey and take off the label. Bring this to the teacher. Flash forward another month or two, and trust me, you are golden. Extension=yours. Just make sure to remember to wear a lot of bandaids to class the day after.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST LIBRARY NAP SPOT Maya Averbuch Ever since Sterling opened its imitation cathedral doors, all my future hubbies have been talking about the Green Room. Swipe yourself riiiighhhhttt into the delectable yellow glow. We call it the perfect mix of Pineapple Pompadour and cheapdollar-store citrine, carefully curated for your dim reading pleasure. More importantly, take note of the pristine leatherbacked must. We’re in the fecund home of champions. It’s all about that casual stroll past the might-have-beens who have fused with their wooden armchairs in the side hovels (some brats reading Metamorphoses: A New Translation, Kindle Edition, $9.99, “A triumph for the ages, for faux-literary tree huggers who skim.”). You do a quick neck-turn to see who has taken the last semi-private space (crank fast left, back right; in the spirit of bend-and-snap), and abandon hopes of getting a window alongside the tearfully beautiful Sterling courtyard. On a last turn, settle into the long green couch in the center of the room, where the real tweedy pipe-smokers opine, or must have back when this room was designed. What I’m really there for is the wall-to-wall carpeting, because these feet will not survive the holes in my fake Keds this winter. Be inspired by the color, the full splendor of the space. Maybe remember when your mother once took you to an open field and let you pick the daffodils as you ran, that last time in your childhood you experienced pure joy. Maybe, depending on where you’re at in your period of crippling finals despair, recall that scene from O Brother, Where Art Thou? in which the fellas are dashing through the open fields. George’s hair is looking real good, and they are running in foot chains to meet the train of destiny. Awake in the murky afternoon, after the seventeenth break between the next two sentences of the paragraph, and remember that you, too, can sprint in metaphorical shackles. Green is the color of jealousy and $$$, and one day you will be rich.

BEST NAME TO GIVE TO A BARISTA Natalie Epstein Coffee. Seriously. It’s what you’re there for. It’s the star of the show, and think about it. Are you the star of the show? If you could be, wouldn’t you want to be? Whenever I pull this one out, I wear sunglasses and whisper, “Yea, I’m the inventor but please don’t let ppl know I’m here.” When I’m really feeling risky I’ll order a tea, and then when it’s ready they’ll yell “Tea for Coffee” and everyone will turn their heads and cock their eyebrows. I love when people cock their eyebrows. Ordering tea will also convince the barista that you are NOT a narcissist. Common known fact: baristas really hate narcissists and another common known fact is that I really love baristas. I like narcissists too, but definitely not as much. Some other options you can give are Largay, Titay, and Hat.

BEST BIVALVE Devon Geyelin Clam.

BEST BRUNCH SPOT BEST REALITY TV SHOW Micah Rodman Call me old fashioned for saying this, but I’m a competition reality show kind of guy. So I’m going with Food Network’s “Chopped.” In case you’ve never had the pleasure of checking out this gem, I’ll explain. Four middling chefs from a variety of culinary backgrounds descend upon the “Chopped” kitchen, where they battle head to head. In each round, the chefs must all cook with the same four assigned ingredients. Of course, the four ingredients don’t go together, and one of them is generally really, really gross (think pickled watermelon rinds). The chefs put their ingenuity and technique to the test, shaping the ingredients into their final plates, which unlike other, more polished cooking shows, regularly go to the judges unfinished. Often, the dishes are presented in a way that is downright unappetizing. I’d say that at least 75 percent of the time, the judges don’t like the food, and that ultimately, they’re sort of just deciding which dish sucked the least. It’s safe to say that unlike most other TV cooking shows, excluding anything with Paula Dean’s brand stamp, “Chopped” is the only one that’s never once made me even a little bit hungry. But that’s why I like it.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

Anna Meixler New Haven’s best brunch venue is woefully unexplored. I’m not talking about hot and new Harvest; this is, in fact, just a few blocks away. Killer beverage variety, garish lighting, and a multilingual staff, you’ll think you’ve landed at a beachside club in Miami. But TD-heav on Whitney Avenue is a safe haven for all ages to get bacon-egg-and-cheeses or skinnypop or packaged and highly suspect sushi. It’s less contentious than its cousin on Broadway, so you can enjoy your food uninterrupted by labor abuse protestors and your own crushing guilt, as well as avoid entire sports teams looking to get their pre-practice protein. You will run into no one you know, so treat yourself to a pint of Ben n’ Jerry’s from the freezer section to start your day off strong. Nothing screams “classy brunch spot” like plastic cutlery and burnt coffee, and you’ll have the smug satisfaction of differentiating yourself from the masses that clog my Instagram feed each week with a cinnamon roll pancake from The Pantry (#VSCO). TD-Heav may not be within your usual four-block food radius, but come next year when G-Heav proper has closed its doors, your postgame snack can beautifully transition into your morning-after brunch at this 24-hour site for gourmet grub.

BEST WEIRD COLD SALAD IN THE DINING HALL Lea Rice Hello, Health Cote Salad. Here we are again—you in the salad bar, me in the sweatpants. It’s no secret what comes next. Sure, I’ve been unfaithful. I know you saw me with Tuscan Bean Salad at lunch last week, and maybe it was the sundried tomatoes or maybe it was just the exoticism of it all but yeah, I danced with the alluring mistress of Italian legumes and I lost myself. I’m sorry. We both know that. A lot of people see your arugula and blindly assume bitterness, but I know that those delicate greens are just a calculated backdrop for ingredients much greater. Enter edamame. Ostensibly it is but a common bean, but what now? Shredded carrots are on the scene, and suddenly these two are cohosting a Vitamin K rave. And just as I’m starting to wonder if maybe you’re just like the others, chasing the “Paleo” of it all like a lemming exclusively interested in “fitness” and “vegetables”—WHOA. Shredded cheese and craisins come out in a big way. Green enough to make my otherwise beige plate of carbs look healthy, yet delicious enough to keep me coming back for more—don’t change, Health Cote. Don’t Change.

BEST SCREW

BEST WAY TO STALK SOMEONE ON CAMPUS Olivia Rosenthal I’m not here to talk down to you. If you say you’re tryna stalk someone on campus, I assume you’ve done your due diligence. You’ve done your LinkedIn perusing (remember log out of your account!); you’ve thoroughly Googled their high school and their parents; you’ve Facebook searched “photos of” said stalkee; you’ve innocently sent out feelers among people who might know them. Now after all this, let’s say you’re either so curiously repulsed or attracted that you just gotta continue the stalk-a-thon, that’s when I come in. No longer will you have to audit a class to get near to this source of intrigue: let’s get creative. 1. For the gutsy: email them and then pretend the email was intended for someone with a similar name. If you pursue this path, you and I are so different that I can’t advise you what the next move should be. Better luck next time. 2. For those with artistic stalk-crushes: say you’ve “heard” of their artwork and commission a custom piece. 3. For the clumsy: literally bump into the stalkee. See what happens. 4. For the caffeine lovers: befriend Anthony at Starbucks and have him purposefully switch you and the stalkee’s drinks. 5. For the ones who can write: join the Herald and interview ‘em for an article. Seriously.

Lily Sawyer-Kaplan The return of screw season coincided with the infiltration of Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” into my life. I’ll admit I listened to it on repeat while researching ancestral customs of North Carolina Appalachian populations. The convergence of screw and Swift led me to the theory that contrary to popular belief, she’s actually singing about an imagined experience at Yale’s Freshman screw. The opening lines, “Nice to meet you/Where you been?/I could show you incredible things,” depict the classic first encounter between you and your date. Swift knows that whole thing’s a “game.” Opening up the chorus with “So it’s gonna be forever/Or it’s gonna go down in flames” reveals the dichotomy of potential screw experiences. I have a friend who met her boyfriend of almost a year now at screw, so it really could be forever. But more likely, you’ll spend the night like I did, wishing you hadn’t worn your super high wedges because they created a foot and half height difference between you and your date and really weren’t practical to walk around in after the shots you took in the basement of Lawrence to forget the height gap (metaphorical flames). Despite these setbacks, Swift continues on, “Cause we’re young and we’re reckless/ We’ll take this way too far and leave you breathless/Or with a nasty scar.” Only reckless, naive freshmen would agree to this ridiculous setup premise, and I actually got nasty scars, because I kept falling over in those wedges. The recurring “long list of ex-lovers” motif (alternatively interpreted as “Starbucks lovers”) references the ritualized status of the event, as each year, thousands of freshmen are added to each other’s lists of ex-lovers. So many ex-lovers! To conclude, the best screw would be at that house in the music video, with the model/actor as the date. The location would be far superior to Commons, but fingers crossed no one’s portrait gets slashed.

BEST WAY TO AVOID SOMEONE ON CAMPUS Olivia Rosenthal I don’t have too many skills. I can’t drive or ride a bike or whistle. I can’t even touch my toes. But, ask me to avoid someone or something? Boy oh boy, I am your girl. If you’re expecting me to tell you to cross the street or look at the ground, then you underestimate me. I was doing that by age 3 or by whatever age my developmentally slow legs were walking. Fake a phone call (not just hold up the phone but have a conversation) or be in the middle of sprinting to “class”? You’re starting to get on my level. I’ve done it all: faked running late to a meal with a friend whose “going through something,” spilled something gross that any sane person wouldn’t want to help clean up, bit my nails aggressively while making manic eyes. The list goes on, but like any true master, I am going to keep a few tricks to myself. If you can cry on command, it is your time to shine (it is also your time to hit me up because I lack that useful skill). To all those who have waved and I have missed it because I have been adjusting my contacts: I have 20/20 vision and I am deeply sorry.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO GREET SOMEONE IN THE LIBRARY Charlie Bardey We’ve all had that awkward mismatched greeting moment. You’re studying in the library, and you see an old pal. Excited, you stand up to greet them. They outstretch their hands, and that’s when it happens: you go in for the kiss, but turns out they just wanted a normal handshake. And then they’re all “What are you doing, Charlie?” and you’re all “I see you as more than just a friend, Matt. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Ugh! You don’t need that awkwardness—you were just trying to study! Well, no more trying to be the Nancy Drew of library greetings. We need a new, all-purpose hand greeting, for usage in the library and otherwise. In an ideal world, that greeting would simply be the gift of an unopened Nerds Rope, but at a small campus like Yale, that can get costly. Instead, I advocate for a simple, old-fashioned middle finger. The middle finger is quick, easy to perform, and universally understood. It simultaneously acknowledges your friend’s existence, while making sure you don’t look interested and vulnerable. Most people will assume you’re being ironic, but you’ll retain power by keeping your friends on their toes. You’ll be the emperor of Bass in no time.

BEST DINING HALL FRUIT (to freeze) Charlotte Weiner I returned from break with a bag of grapes that my mom had pressed into my hands, thinking it would be the last Vitamin C I’d see until Christmas. I’d happily agreed, hoping I’d put off eating the dining hall’s pineapple that leaves my tongue feeling mysteriously tingly for a few days. But I also returned to a revelation. When my roommate saw the grapes, she told me to put them in the freezer—so, always up for a food experiment, I tossed them in. Lo and behold—a few hours later, I popped one in my mouth. A cool burst of flavor; I’d been converted. Next time you’re in the dining hall, steer clear of the watermelon (it isn’t mid-summer, so eating watermelon just feels weird, anyway) and the grapefruit too, because let’s be real, eating grapefruit always feels like some sort of punishment. Instead, grab a to-go cup. Load it up with grapes (sorry if you get one of the prongs that hold a maximum two grapes at once. May take a while). Stick them in the freezer. A few hours later, or a few days later, they’ll be there. Cool. Refreshing. Delicious.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST DORM ROOM ACCESSROY Lily Sawyer-Kaplan Last fall, I knew a friendship was meant to be when a girl in my froco group revealed that she had brought a hard-boiled egg maker with her to college. To be honest, it’s probably why I decided to live with her this year—24/7 access to the egg maker. It makes the best eggs in New Haven. Plus, it’s in the shape of a giant egg. So it doubles as offbeat room décor. But anyway, it has slots for four eggs, and the only human participation required is filling up the bottom portion with water (boiling decontaminates whatever flows through that bathroom tap) and putting it in the microwave. Ten minutes later without fail you have four beautiful eggs steaming hot and perfectly cooked with the orangey part in the middle just a little bit moist. Share, or even better, eat them all yourself. I also recommend stealing the little salt and pepper packets from Starbucks to spice it up. When I try to use these, I usually end up with the contents on myself instead of my egg. I’ve found that “borrowing” shakers from the dining hall works better. The egg-cooker is a magician: you can transition acquaintances into friends while feeding yourself cheaper than buying Maison Mathis eggs. You’re welcome.

BEST PLACE TO BE SEEN Jack Schlossberg There’s no point in doing homework unless you get seen doing it. That’s why the best corner to work in is at the counter of the Willoughby’s on York Street. Here, your dedication and resilience are on display for the world to see. A thin wall of glass separates you from passersby, hardly enough of a barrier to hide your achievements. Defeated grad students on their way to A&A can’t escape your commitment to higher learning. Your peers hustling to class are reminded of their shortcomings with a quick glance at your perfect posture and unparalleled focus. Why work in a dark corner of a library when you could be basking in your own glory? Why not share your pride with the community? Why deprive people of your exemplary behavior? Don’t be shy. Be the change. Step right in, order an iced chai, and let the eyes of the world turn to you.

BEST HIDING SPOT Alessandra Roubini In most situations, your room is probably a good enough hiding spot. You have your bed, you have your computer, what else do you need? But for those of you who have roommates (hang in the there) or need to really hide somewhere you won’t be found, I humbly suggest the garden behind Rosenkranz Hall. It’s surprisingly peaceful, especially when’s it’s warm out, and it’s even got a little shrub maze thing going on. It’s tucked nicely between Prospect Street and Hillhouse Avenue—easily accessible but relatively secluded. I realize, though, that this blurb kind of defeats its own purpose, and that this hiding spot is now not-so-secret. If you’re looking to get away, when in doubt, just climb a roof. It works every time, and Yale’s insistence on elaborate architecture makes the climbing pretty easy. Or even better, just leave campus for a bit. Go to East Rock; go to West River Park (there’s a lagoon shaped like a horseshoe! It’s called Horseshoe Lagoon!!); just get out of the bubble for a short while—it’ll do wonders for your sanity.

BEST EMAIL SIGN OFF

BEST PIZZA Kendrick McDonald

No one believes that New Haven is famous for its pizza, but try walking two blocks in this city without going past a pizza joint. And they’re not chains like Pizza Hut or Dominos—yes, there’s a Papa John’s somewhere, but only for those times when I hate myself or remember that Yale50 exists. For those of us who live here, Pepe’s and Sally’s get a majority of the attention. Yes, they serve great pizza, but my taste buds and my wallet aren’t always in the mood for a white clam pie. And even though you can now take Uber instead of Metro Taxi, it’s still a trip to get to Wooster Street. This is why the best pizza is at Est. Est. Est. Pizza, although most people drop the second two and just call it Est. Pizza. Established in 1973, this Italian restaurant sits on the corner of Chapel and Park. They give you enormous slices, sometimes even two for one at the end of the day. It’s open late, so when you’re ready to take a break from Gheav’s bacon, egg, and cheese, try a slice of Est.’s chicken, bacon, and ranch. Just make sure you go to the right place. Don’t be the freshman that walks to S.S.S. wondering why they’d serve pizza in the lecture hall.

Kohler Burno We all know the best way to sign off an email: you just write your name at the bottom so they know who wrote it, dummy! My name is Kohler Bruno, so at the bottom of an email I would write “Kohler Bruno.” Here’s an example email so you can see what it would be like. Dear Sandy, Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. There’s that Lorem Ipsum that you were asking for. Hope it helps! All the best, Kohler Bruno

BEST CRUSH Austin BryniarskI Yale’s alleged fourth sorority would have three already stellar crushes (if you’d rather, krushes) to compete with for the title of best crush, but we’re not talking about Greek life here. Okay, so we sort of are. Because best crush goes to a “huge group of girls” (HGOG), a GroupMe of around 20 senior ladies created in 2012 that sent out an email to a bunch of dudes they were into, some they’d never met, and invited over to an apartment to party with. It was called HGOG Crush. And judging by the way every fiber of my being twitches when I think about the possibility of getting an email from an address like hugegroupofgirls@gmail.com, HGOG Crush rocked.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST STUDY TOOL Madeleine Colbert

BEST WAY TO PREPARE FOR WINTER Sophie Haigney Stop all exercise now. You might be thinking—what?! But exercise warms you up! Well yes, it does, but only temporarily. What you need is a permanent, December-March (or April, if last year was any indication) solution to the problem of The Cold. And the answer is to cultivate what I like to call “the layer.” The layer is fat, yes, but it’s so much more than that. It’s insulation, it’s protection against the elements, it’s extra cushion if you slip and fall on the ice. It’s better than a jacket because it’s literally part of your body! And it’s so easy to acquire. All you have to do is stop working out, which is easy, because it’s winter so you probably wouldn’t walk to Payne Whitney, anyways. And forget running outside. Then, take advantage of holiday treats. Peppermint bark anyone? Gingerbread cookies, chocolate-covered everything, rum cake, plum pudding (if that’s a real thing). Get seconds! Within a week or two, depending on how aggressively you snack, you will be sporting the layer like every forward-thinking college student in New England. Get this: the layer is a thing in nature too. According to sciencemadesimple.com, “animals get ready for winter by eating extra food and storing it as body fat.” Take a tip from the pros—the bears. And if you’re worried that it won’t look good, the best news is that no one will be able to tell. Even the layerless kids on campus will be a bundle of puffy jackets for the next four months, so who will notice a difference? November’s over. Let’s get sedentary and start eating.

BEST BAR Alessandra Roubini If you had asked me a year ago, I probably would have said Elm Bar. It’s really close to everything and has the special charm of not really feeling like a Yale bar. But since the management turnover last year, that once charming spot is now Three Sheets (I think this is a sailing reference, but in my bitterness I always choose to assume the sexual innuendo that’s sort of there). The new vibe really just doesn’t cut it for me anymore, so I’m going to have to shift my allegiances. The options are pretty limited, but if I had to pick, I’d pick Rudy’s. It can be pretty crowded/loud, so if that’s not your thing, then ignore everything I’m about to say. But if you’re looking to have a drink with your friends, talk, but still be around a lot of people and loud music, this is the place for you. It’s got the whole wooden tables/bare lightbulbs/beers signs on the wall kind of ambiance going on, which you really just have to accept and learn to love. And if all else fails, you can always order some fries and any one of 20 dipping sauce options.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

Complete and utter isolation. I’m talking superman’s Cave of Solitude. I’m talking that island from Cast Away. There should be as few living beings around as possible. Look I know it seems extreme, but this is in your best interest! You just need to separate yourself from any kind of distraction. If you’re anything like me, even the idea of something sparkly gets you distracted and you end up on Etsy for two hours. If I ever study around other people I try to talk to everyone in a desperate attempt to find a reason to not do my work. So the best way to TCB (take care of business) is to separate myself from the rest of humanity. Follow my lead guys. Unless you absolutely have to have it on, turn off your Internet. Grab a coffee, and start to work. If you think you can handle it, play some pump up music, so the silence of your isolation isn’t so crushing. I recommend “Schoolin’ Life” by Beyoncé, her most underrated song. You will get so much done, you might even release a surprise album! With music videos! And you can wear a Kale sweatshirt like in her new 7/11 music video! And do crazy hair flips! And knock red solo cups together that somehow makes it look cool! Oh shoot I got distracted again.

BEST OBSCURE READING ROOM IN STERLING Leah Motzkin This award unequivocally goes to the Philosophy Reading Room. Tucked in the back corner of the stacks, it is just the right size to be cozy and has enough light to keep you awake. Some of you might think, “No!” and you might say, “The best is the American Studies Reading Room,” or you might say, “You are wrong!” and you might say, “It is the Slavic Reading Room.” But you, my friends, are mistaken! And here’s why in two words: swivel chairs. The swivel chairs with the nice roller wheels in the Philosophy Reading Room makes it way too easy to roll along the book shelves to find the right work by Parmenides. Getting tired while studying? Swivel in circles for a bit, and then hit the books a new gal! In all honesty, the nicest thing about the Philosophy Reading Room is that no one is ever in it. Go forth! Check it out! You’ll ruin the best part, but whatever.

BEST LATE NIGHT OUTDOOR DRINKING SPOT Yanbo Li The roof of G-heav. Whether you’re in a rum-soaked stupor from your weekly Woad’s outing, or suffocating under 200 pages of Wordsworth, there’s nothing like a breath of fresh, icy New Haven air atop Yale’s favorite labor-violating grocer. Just head upstairs, out the easily accessible window, and up some fire escapes, and suddenly you’re overlooking all the excellent sheep milling about under the lights of Broadway and York. How romantic. Seriously though, need a novel spot to take your date at 1 a.m. when you still haven’t worked up the nerve to make a move? Grab a bottle of Yellow Tail, climb a ladder or two, and gaze up at the lack of stars pretending you’re not actually sitting next to Yorkside’s chimney cap. If you’re not having rooftop sex in the time it takes to make a Gobbler, you probably just aren’t deserving of love. But if the Gheav buffet munchies don’t fill the void in your heart, there’s always the heady rush of knowing that overstressed students and overworked cooks are beneath you in every way. And by the way, I don’t endorse trespassing. Or drinking. Or sex.

BEST MUSIC TO GET FREAKY TO

BEST YALE GEAR Nicole Narea Sometimes I wonder why Asian tourists are among the few on campus who wear Yale hoodies regularly—and with no hint of irony. By contrast, on the specific occasions when I wear a Yale hoodie, it is rife with meaning: 1. I am on my way to the gym, and I want you to know this. 2. I give zero fucks today, so I refuse to put any effort into sartorial decisions. 3. I am emulating the normcore fashion trend, which requires many sartorial decisions to appear as though I woke up like dis. I would never just wear a Yale hoodie just for the sake of wearing a Yale hoodie. No one does that. However, EVERYONE wears a high school hoodie for the sake of wearing a high school hoodie. Harvard-Westlake, Andover, and if you’re Chris Melamed or a member of Herald E-board, Saint Ann’s. Maybe we’re just seeking to be unique in a sea of sameness…of Yale hoodies. We just want to tell the world, “I identify with a Harkness table education!” or “I’m from New York, but I’m not a stuffy Manhattanite so don’t get any ideas!” It’s freedom of expression. But here’s my problem: what are the rest of us supposed to do when our high schools don’t have brand recognition? Or worse, if you’re me—a sweatshirt with “Convent of the Sacred Heart” emblazoned on my boobs is kind of a buzzkill. So bring back the classic Yale hoodie. Show me summa that boola boola. That’s all I’m asking..

Kevin Su Holiday songs are rarely sexy. Even when they’re trying, something isn’t quite right: “All I Want for Christmas,” though romantic, is too wholesome; “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” describes watching your mom make out with and “tickle” your dad in disguise (or maybe it’s a stranger?); and “Santa Baby” is low key about saving yourself for marriage with a rich dude. But really, what more would you expect from a holiday that tells us that being naughty is somehow a bad thing? Boring! This holiday season, if you’re looking for some tunes that will really help you and that special someone heat up the old yule log, look no further than “Tighten That Muscle Ring” by Hirsute Pursuit. Songs like “My Pretty Pink Hole,” “One Sleazy Night in Bangkok,” and “You’re Here to Pleasure Me,” will provide the perfect soundtrack to fill your stockings to. The dirty, pounding, distorted percussion and heavy, desperate moaning will be a welcome break from the prudishness of all the sleigh bells and angelic choirs on the radio, and with lyrics like “Don’t think about yourself…it’s about giving to me,” Hirsute Pursuit puts a fun, sexier twist on classic holiday values.

BEST PARTY THEME Lara Sokoloff My friends and I threw a gourds-themed party that was called, “Let the Gourd Times Roll.” This, obviously, would have been the best party theme, save for the fact that the joke was lost on at least half other party guests. I think things may have been clarified when a picture of literal gourds, captioned “not a drill” was sent out, but this was only about 15 minutes before the party, and I suspect most guests remained clueless. Instead, the best party theme is really just the most bare bones—“back to basics” one. It requires no clashing neon colors or exotic animal print, yet is, to many, more shocking than a hot pink, bright green cheetah. A healthy dose of alcohol and perhaps a razor are the real tricks to being the best dressed at this intimate gathering. At this point, you might be thinking, “naked.” Haha, that’d be funny. But no, the best party theme is middle school. I dug my cherry-rhinestone encrusted silver razr out of the basement for this one, and it was a huge hit.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST FONT BEST RUNNING ROUTE Jacob Sandry We need to talk about East Rock. Yes, an East Rock run takes you up Hillhouse Ave, “the most beautiful street in America.” Yes, it takes you down Orange Street, “the most quaint street in New Haven, full of angsty Forestry School students and dog-walking spouses of professors.” Yes, it culminates with our second-favorite phallic monument protruding strangely from its peak. But it’s really not all-that compared to a run through its enigmatic, and truly un-Herald-ed, big brother West Rock. If New Haven is feeling drab, a West Rock run is scenic; it takes you over the river (canal path) and through the ‘hood, past the dazzling Southern Connecticut State University campus, and, on Sunday mornings, past scantily glad (and finely sculpted) Yale Cross Country boys to the lake where Yale Outdoors does their naked polar plunge every winter. If you’re feeling lonely, a West Rock run is social; you will be cheered on (berated) by New Havenites, SCSU students, and possibly rabid dogs that always seem to escape their leashes. But, most importantly, if you need to get away, a West Rock run has winding, soft trails. They stretch nearly all the way to Quinnipiac (if you REALLY want to get away).

BEST VIEW Joe Tisch For those of you who weren’t paying attention, the University dubbed the week of Oct. 6th “Celebrate Sustainability Week,” and there was a whole slew of events ranging from Cross Campus yoga to environmental film screenings. I, luckily enough, was paying attention—thanks to a fortunate piece of spam in my email inbox, and I was one of the lucky winners of the lottery to go on a tour of Central Power Plant— otherwise known as that dangerous looking building wedged between swing space and the cemetery. I must say the tour didn’t disappoint. You might even say it was a blast—in every sense of the word except for the one that would suggest that the entire generation facility for Central Campus and Science Hill went up in flames. The ability to scramble around the tanks on the roof offered the best views on campus. 360 degrees down toward Chapel Street, up to the Div. School, and across from West Rock to East. Only problem is I can’t figure out how to go back, so I’m anxiously counting the days to next year’s Sustainability Week 2015. You should be, too.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

Kai Takahashi You’ve come to this secret cave in an epic search for the best font, I’m told. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but: your pet chameleon died, and also there’s no best font. “Omg whattt there has to be a best font!!” you whine with your nasally and gross voice. There’s no best font. No, it’s not Helvetica even if you think you know it all because you watched that documentary. Any font that’s used for the sign at China King is automatically disqualified. Plus, if I can get nerdy on you, Helvetica gets hard to read at small sizes: for example, the e starts to look like a theta (the letter...). There’s a reason every famous designer complained when Apple changed everything to Helvetica. No, it’s not Futura, even if it’s on that new Vampire Weekend album, that new Lorde album, that new Maroon 5 album, that Louis Vuitton logo, every Wes Anderson movie, and the Hangover to name a few. The spiky A, M, N, V, and W make me feel like I’m about to get a paper cut. Pass. No, it’s obviously not Times New Roman. I got my first B+ in Times New Roman. Automatic DQ. No, it’s obviously not Cambria. I got my first B in Cambria. Automatic DQ. No, it’s definitely not freakin’ Copperplate Gothic. Even if you haven’t heard of it, you’ve absolutely seen it before. Boom, Heirloom. Boom, Golden State Warriors. Boom, Fivestar Notebooks. Boom, anything trying to look classy. Sorry, you’re not gonna fool me with your wide all caps, no lowercase option and those little baby serifs, especially the weird vertical ones on the end of the E. Not to sound preachy, but every font is the “best” in a different situation. Block varsity letters is the best for—surprise—varsity uniforms. Typewriter fonts are the best on…. typewriters. Monospaced fonts are the best for code. Script fonts are the best for fancy wedding invitations that always “get lost in the mail.” Blackletter is the best for old scary German stuff. Wingdings was intended to provide people with lots of symbols they can use. Yes, even Comic Sans is best for something, probably: crumpled up paper in the trash maybe? No, there’s no universal best font. But there are plenty of good fonts out there; you just have to figure out which one is the best for how you intend to use it. Next time come with a more specific superlative, please. Get out of my cave now, please.

BEST BUTTERY Charlotte Weiner A disclaimer: until mid-way through this fall, I had never eaten in a buttery. A second, related disclaimer: I’ve been at this school for nearly a year and a half. And a third, related thought: I love food. But in the Trumbull buttery a few weeks ago, all that I’d been missing became clear. It was after dinner, but before midnight, and my friend and I were looking for a snack before heading to the library. In the buttery, we looked up at the board of food choices and saw it: Grilled PB&J. We were hooked. A few minutes later, there it was, on a paper plate with a napkin lovingly folded beside it. I took a bite: crispy on the outside, melty and warm in the middle. Childhood in a sandwich. All I needed was a glass of milk – which they had, of course. Trumbull buttery may be the only buttery I’ve been to, but wow, did it deliver.

BEST TOAD’S HEADLINER

BEST LANGUAGE FOR TALKING DIRTY Charlie Bardey

Jordan Coley As a native Connecticutian, I’ve attended my fair share of concerts at the famed establishment that is Toad’s Place. I done seen it all, kids; Wale, Kendrick, Iggy, you name it. My illustrious Toad’s Career has brought me to the highest of highs (Danny Brown mosh pit earlier this year) and the lowest of lows (a tie between the Halloween line at Woad’s and Mike Posner’s whole set in 2009). With a Toad’s resume as varied and expansive as any, the Herald felt it was only fitting that I decide what Herald 100’s Best Toad’s Headliner would be. After much consideration and consultation with a select few Toad’s veterans, the clear answer very quickly made itself apparent to me: Shaggy. Yes folks, the “It Wasn’t Me” guy. The man is simply made for the Toad’s stage. He always comes on late, providing for ample pregaming. He has, like, three songs, so the set is always just short enough for you to still be drunk when it’s over, but just long enough for you to have sobered up enough to place your order of buffalo chicken tenders at Yorkside. And literally nowhere else in the world is your horrible Jamaican accent even moderately acceptable. A Shaggy show is simply the ideal Toad’s experience. Get your tickets before they’re gone! ... or like whenever. There’s no rush, trust me.

BEST DAY OF THE WEEK Alisha Jarwala As Maggie Smith/Dowager Countess of Grantham/my spirit animal once asked, “What is a weekend?” Yeah Maggie, we know you go hard mid-week. Since the only times in life when it’s feasible to disregard the structure of the week are as a college student or as a dowager countess, Wednesday wins. Woads is on Wednesday. Rudy’s karaoke is on Wednesday. Law & Order: SVU is on Wednesday. Wednesday means you have only one day of class left (unless you’re taking a five day language, and then that’s your own fault). Wednesday is apparently a great day to buy airline tickets. Nate Silver used OkCupid data and found that Wednesday is the best night for “singles on the prowl,” so emoji thumbs up for that too. Wednesday is like Sunday but without the reading you haven’t done yet. Wednesday is the chill cousin of Saturday who is happy to go to a bar, write a reading response, watch a whole season of Parks & Rec with you or, like, really do whatever.

Science tells us that having too many choices isn’t always a good thing. A wealth of options can stress us out and leave us unhappy, the so-called “paradox of choice.” Choosing a language to “talk dirty” in is a prime example. With so many languages to choose from, how do you know which one is best for whispering sweet, disgusting nothings into your partner’s face and/or body holes? Do you go with Japanese so you can authentically moan “Senpai will never notice me”? Maybe you choose Indonesian, because your lover is an attractive athlete and he’s L3. If you’ve been feeling particularly humanistic, maybe you’ll want to try getting down in Esperanto—I know nothing turns me on more than the promise of human unity. If you’re still unsure of which language to get nasty to, I’d recommend German. German is fun and flirty, but also has the requisite gravity to convey to your loved one how seriously you take the act of woohoo. Looking for some fun phrases to spice it up? Try: “Ich verstehe nicht, warum sie sich mit handschuhen” (“I don’t understand why you are wearing gloves”). Really want to get your partner going? Throw in “Meinem haustier schwein, Bootsy, nicht einmal weib ich bin hier” (“My pet pig, Bootsy, doesn’t even know I’m here”). Indeed, only in German will the phrase “Du weibt, ich habe angst, Corbin Bleu, damit wir setzen sie bitte den ausschnitt in den schrank” (“You know I am afraid of Corbin Bleu so can we please put the cutout in the closet”) really send your partner into that spasmic pleasure spiral that we’ve all come to know and love. Good luck, and sich amüsieren ;)

BEST DATE Chloe Lizotte The most surreal double date of my life began in New Haven. On one otherwise bland October evening, the four of us took an Uber to the Orange, Conn. branch of the Olive Garden. It was exactly like Italy: never-ending Caesar salad, never-ending pasta, a lonely pitcher of ambiguous pink liquid resting on a nearby shelf. We made friends with our waitress. We joined in the neighboring table’s rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday.” We very nearly purchased our own Olive Garden™ cheese grater. Romance comes and goes, but food is eternal. And even though Tuscany may be an Uber ride away, you really don’t have to leave New Haven—we’ve got everything from wine bars to late night sushi to distract you from the discomfort of small talk. So go ahead, gorge yourself on Miya’s Late Night. Throw back another Craft Artisanal Trendweiser Lite at Koffee? After Dark. Yes, you really are ordering three more servings of Barcelona’s mushrooms and goat cheese. And most importantly, when you finally do hear those five special syllables at 10:45 p.m. on a Tuesday—“crunchbutton(dot) com”—know that true love is still very much alive and well.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO GET INSTAGRAM LIKES Jack Schlossberg There are two types of people in this beautiful, twisted, and seductive world we call home: people who want more likes and liars. Getting likes is a delicate science. I’m not talking shear volume—I’m talking percentage. Celebrities get millions. Hot dudes get thousands. ‘Kini pix get hundreds. That’s small ball. The real struggle is for those of us who average 47 but sometimes, on rare occasions when the filter is just right and the caption is freaking gold, can get between 93 and 112. You have to post between 2:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m., and never on a Thursday. If you think you’re going to break 50 on a Thursday then you should stop reading now. You can’t post past 8:00 p.m. unless you actually want to hover below 11 likes and have that list of names below your photo for more like 26 minutes. Don’t geotag unless it adds to your joke. If you geotag the place where the picture was taken, you don’t understand my approach to life or to Instagram and you probably get over 312 every time. Videos don’t do well, so don’t get your hopes up. The only vids you’re going to rack up on will be of people from another country doing something that would never happen in America. If you screenshot a text convo, don’t even talk to me about likes ever. If you post a picture of food, expect to hover around 38. If, for whatever reason, you decide the sunset is too good and you have to post, take a lap. Or, better yet, text your friends and beg for a like. Finally, and most importantly, if you aren’t liking your own photos you don’t understand the game.

BEST STUDY SPACE Austin Bryniarski The best study space on campus is not on campus. In fact, it’s not even in New Haven. In fact, it’s probably not even in Connecticut. In fact, it’s wherever you go when you’re not at school. That’s right—the comfort of your own home is the best study space. Needed to get that paper done? Do it at over Thanksgiving break! It’s kind of like all of the best parts of the study spaces on campus combined. Plenty of snacks and tea and a fireplace (St. Thomas More), social when you want it to be (Bass), sentimentality (your residential college libe), and you get to walk around in your underwear (LC classroom in middle of night). Plus, your dad gets to be there in his underwear right there with you. That is, if you can convince him to shut the vacuum off.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST LIBRARY TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES Alessandra Roubini If you’re at the point where you can’t make the trip back to your room before you find out how big the dragons have grown since the last episode (but seriously Danaerys, isn’t their growth going to stunt if they stay locked up in those catacombs?!), then I’m not totally sure it really matters anymore which library you’re in. But for the sake of argument, I would avoid the college libraries, because they’re a little too small and intimate for comfort. And even the bigger, more anonymous libraries like Bass or Sterling aren’t ideal because those places are really more social scenes than they are serious academic environments. What you really want is one of the more obscure libraries that only the most savvy GoT enthusiasts will frequent. Take, for example, the classics library on the top floor of Phelps. I promise you there won’t be anyone in there except maybe the odd grad student who probably hasn’t left in a week. And really, who cares what he/she thinks anyway? But if you’re really a die-hard GoT fan, you’ll say fuck it to all the haters and turn that shit on your laptop right in the middle of A&A. Say it loud, say it proud, ammirite?

BEST CULT OF PERSONALITY David Rossler Michael Herbert, are you real? Don’t tell me. I love you.

BEST FACIAL HAIR Caleb Moran These days, everybody seems to have an opinion on facial hair. Some like a nicely trimmed goatee, while others like a full on lumberjack beard. Maybe a 2008 Peter Salovey moustache tickles your fancy. I, myself, am easy to please when it comes to facial hair. I do not care what kind of facial hair a person has as long as it connects with the rest of the hair on their body. For instance, you might have a glorious moustache that moves up your face and connects with your eyebrows, which then joins with your sideburns that back track around to meet the lower part of your mullet before then joining your untamed back hair which circles around the waist where it meets a happy trail which trails off into a forest of chest hair which grows uninhibitedly up towards a Thoreau-like neck beard which magically comes together with your nice set of sideburns. Where does it begin? Where does it end? I do not know. All I do know is that hair is meant to be one.

yale institute of sacred music presents

YALE SCHOLA CANTORUM simon carrington, guest conductor

Music of Charpentier

friday, december 12 路 5 pm christ church episcopal 路 85 broadway at elm, new haven free; no tickets required. ism.yale.edu yale institute of sacred music presents

Yale Camerata

dona nobis pacem Advent Concert

marguerite l. brooks conductor

Music of J.S. Bach, Vaughan Williams, Kyr, and Marshall

saturday, december 6 7:30 pm battell chapel

Free; no tickets required.

Adrian Van Sinderen Book Collecting Prizes Open to seniors and sophomores Deadline: 5 pm, friday, January 23, 2015 $1000 Senior prize $700 Sophomore prize Visit www.yale.edu/printer/vansinderen for details

email aleesha.melwani@yale.edu

BEST PIECE OF ADVICE Maya Averbuch

BEST GIFT SHOP David Rossler It’s that time of the year again. Someone just proclaimed to the GroupMe that we should get the ball rolling on Secret Santa. Secret Santa is the worst. Someone always exceeds the dollar limit and makes you look bad. Someone always spends a shit-ton of time crafting a lovely card and makes you look bad. And it’s reading week; you have an entire season of “Homeland” to watch. You just don’t have time for holiday shopping right now. But fear not, I have the perfect one-stopshop location for this holiday season, conveniently located right here on campus: the good old d-hall. Here’s an idea: an assorted cookie box. Procure a shoebox about a week before the big gift exchange and snag a few cookies every day. By the end of the week you should have a pretty healthy variety of flavors. Your Secret Santee doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth? No problem. Grab one of those nice plant centerpieces from one of the tables. They seem pretty low maintenance because the soil they’re in always looks like dust. Does your Secret Santee live off campus? I’ll bet you my Barbour(s) he could use some flatware. The options are endless: a fruit basket of that pale melon at brunch. An extra chair. I’m sure Yvette’s always wanted a waffle iron with her very own initial on it. Go to town. Who’s gonna look like an asshole this Secret Santa? Not you.

All of you who have yet to join the Herald should note that penning life advice is the best way to ride the tidal wave of success through December. Also check your calendar and figure out if you’re due for another existential crisis, in which case I call the spot in the law library next to the bespectacled student who looks least likely to help re: Lolita (how does one metaphor?), or to finally figure out the true cause of the Columbian drug war (i mean, was it love?). Check your privilege, while your nurse coffee #3 next to that man, what was his name, Carlos, who last offered you a gluten-free mini-muffin at Book Trader and with whom you could imagine an essayless, vanilla-scented future (my American dream?). When the alarm clock starts ringing (time as round totem pole of aging?), remember that you have never loved scrubbing your kitchen as much as you do now and the scent of laundry is bliss. If you fear that you are drifting through the best years of your life, join a drug smuggling ring with a special someone, and start on that New York Times bestseller sometime between paper #2 and #4. Remember, you are fierce; you are fine; you can conquer all.

BEST PWG WORKOUT Natalie Epstein

BEST WAY TO VENT Marissa Medansky After the detonation of the first atomic bomb at a New Mexico test site in 1945, J. Robert Oppenheimer famously quoted a passage from the Bhagavad Gita: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” This is probably how Tyler Blackmon, JE ’16, feels about Overheard at Yale, the Facebook group he created for Yalies to share “all the crazy, random, and downright strange things” we encounter on campus. Overheard at Yale is no mere train wreck; rather, it is an explosion in a train factory that—along with members of the nymphomaniac proletariat over at Yale PostSecret—has conspired to tear this University apart in an unholy furor of casual racism, sexual frustration, and passive-aggressive behavior. And we can’t look away. You want to talk about transforming the campus climate? Name the two new residential colleges after Overheard at Yale and Yale PostSecret. 5,619 and 2,115 of us (respectively, and as of this writing) agree.

There is a machine in Payne Whitney. I know not its name, but you curl your legs under it and then lift up your torso. In my one PWG experience, this machine was pretty dang chill. Every time I lifted myself up, I felt like a whack-a-mole WITHOUT the threat of being whacked! Let me tell you, THAT’S an incredible feeling. I felt so good and spritely, that I began saying “Hello!” and “Hi” to passersby with each new pop-up. At first, this deeply frightened these poor, skittish, muscly men. Saying hello? While we are all individually sculpting our bodies? Doesn’t she know I could whack her? Is she a mole in a lady’s body? We grew to accept each other though, and soon their skepticism turned into acceptance. This story is a story of hope. Of overcoming obstacles despite the odds. Pass it on.

BEST EMOJI Carly Lovejoy WITHOUT QUESTION, the best emoji is the lil smilin’ shit. This superlative is a topic of hot debate for pretty much everyone these days. When I go to office hours with my professors, the first thing I ask is usually, “what are your thoughts on emojis? And the best, professor?” Argument ensues. I usually miss lunch. But debate all you want, that lil shit is there for me in pretty much any iMessage situation. My ma’s like “What’s up, honey?” I’m like: smiling shit. My friend’s like, “You are super annoying.” I’m like: smiling shit. My bootycall’s like, “Wanna chill?” I’m like: shit-eating grin.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO RELAX Sophie Haigney 4:30 or 6:30 on Friday at Fresh Yoga with Peg. There are like, 47 reasons I don’t like the idea of yoga. Why would you pay someone $$ to make you contort your body into positions that are totally unnatural and sometimes impossible? If you want to exercise you should go to the fucking gym. I hate mantras, the mind-body connection, meditating, twisting my body in weird ways, and also breathing. The worst part is focusing on your breathing. Fuck breathing. But I have a relaxation problem. By that I mean, I usually can’t. And because I’m from San Francisco, and my mom can stand on her head for more than two full minutes (hi Mom, I know you’re reading this!), the prescribed solution has been yoga. Truth is, it kind of works. My theory is that if you turn your head upside down for long enough, the blood flows in and everything else flows out. Not sure how scientific that is, but I’m definitely not willing to concede that it’s the breathing. So over the years I’ve been gradually converted into another bougie yoga enthusiast. But I’m still a quasi-skeptic, which makes me picky about classes. My eyes start rolling anytime a teacher starts pontificating about the mind-body connection, or whatever, and you can’t roll your eyes in yoga because it is really hard to balance on one foot and you need to stare at a fixed point, like the tattoo of the dude in front of you. So that’s where Peg comes in. She is a goddess. I think. She teaches at Fresh on Fridays (and also other days, but who has time on other days?) and she has never said a single eyeroll-inducing thing. She doesn’t talk that much, and she plays killer music. She also kicks your ass, in a yoga kind of way, which is actually one of the hardest kinds of ways. And somehow, in her class, I find myself taking deep breaths through my nose the way you are supposed to and not hating it.

BEST PERSONA TO ADOPT IN SECTION Lea Rice Every morning, I jump out of bed, lock eyes with myself in the mirror, and ask, “Who am I?” Not in a philosophical way or anything—it’s much too early for introspection. I’m sincerely pondering which persona I will adopt when I go to section. Will I have an accent today? Props? A crude yet endearing catchphrase? It’s about getting the most out of your education, people. After attending sections as a Parisian dog walker, a suburban soccer mom (complete with orange slices, Capri Suns, and a minivan-carpool to WLH), and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I’ve found one identity that has literally no downsides: Section Hype Man. My classmates hear me before they see me. “PHYSICS 180, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!” They rarely are. I enter with swagger. “He’s the Rachel Ray of integrals and a terror with a TI-83+, all the way from HGS, let me hear you MAKE SOME NOOIISE… IT’S KEVIN THE TA!” While the section’s resident chatterbox clears his throat yet again, I’m channeling Flavor Flav, donning my clock necklace and getting ready to throw out some dope interjections. “RUN IT CRAIG.” “OOO, ‘PROBLEMATIC,’ KATIIEE.” The crowd goes insane—drop microphone, go directly to da club.

BEST WAKE-UP METHOD Maya Averbuch

BEST PLACE TO HAVE A GOOD CRY Caleb Moran Oh boy this is a lot to handle. There are so many good spots to cry on campus: the porta-potties at the Yale Bowl, on top of the lipstick statue in Morse, in front of the Bass security desk, just to name a few. In my opinion though, there is one spot that stands out above all others. When I am looking to have a good cry, I look no further than the dead center of Cross Campus. Think about it, anywhere else you run the risk of being caught and turned into a pariah, but not on Cross Campus. Sure, hundreds of people will see you crying, but people are always doing weird shit on Cross Campus. People will see you crying and just assume it’s some sort of performance art or that you are advocating for something (like people crying to end dying or criers against liars). Trust me on this one, it takes guts, but it will pay off.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

When the freezing ice balls start falling from the sky, nobody wants to get up out of bed—even if your goose-bumped bum is riding solo under the goose down. But if you want to pass that brutal morning seminar (thankfully, I have none, due to devilish planning, but even I sometimes awake during the breakfast hour), you’re going to have to take my advice. The key is to first win over your roommate, who may—if you’ve weighed your options well and selected based on sheer utility—offer you a comforting back-pat on your lowest mornings, or, even if you plead and moan about your brittle limbs, grudgingly throw in a few minutes of back rub. But on those mornings (let’s be real: most mornings) when your handy roommate has already gone to some useless economics lecture, there will be no complaint about the fact that your shrill alarm is shaking every unscrewed furniture item on her side of the room. You’ll have to drag yourself out from under your warm cocoon, stumble a full ten paces around the half-eaten snacks, and recognize that homo sapiens were made to be upright by the time you manage to turn the damn thing off. If you find that this breakdown of personal space works for you, do let me know, since it always helps to be assured of one’s own genius at this time of year.

BEST LIBRARY PICK-UP LINE

BEST HYBRID FOOD STORE Andrew Wagner

Jeremy Hoffman You enter Starr Main Reference Room. It’s primetime. Sunday at 3 p.m. Starr. You look right. Who are you kidding? Nobody goes right. You make a beeline for the second to last table on the left. The comfy chairs. Thrones. You have your hippest outerwear on. You made sure of it. It’s the perfect combination of confident and quirky. Maybe your beanie is still on. It’s so cool you forgot you were wearing it. Nobody else forgot. They’re watching. It’s primetime, remember. You’ve showered. You smell nice but made sure to seem a little unkempt. Everyone must know you went out last night. You look like you were “turnt” or “drunk” or “having fun” or “dancing” not too long ago. You’ve made it to the table. You find one of your “boys.” Everyone now knows you have “boys.” The recapping begins. You’re making just enough noise that now that cutie you saw once in a 400 person lecture is looking. She’s bothered. But she’s looking. She sees the whole getup. That you’re out there and in there. Confident and quirky. Studious, but “loosey goosey.” You lock eyes and whisper “sorry.” She replies, “It’s ok.” Then now, here’s your shot. You drop a “what’s up?” but it comes out more like “’tsup?” Game over.

BEST VENMO DESCRIPTION

What’s a hybrid food store? I’m not totally sure. My editor tells me “like [a] place that sells food and other stuff or place that sells more than one thing.” Okay, I say. New Haven has many places that sell more than one thing, and some of those places sell food and also other things. It’s hard to choose one to be “Best.” But, if you’re going for bang for your buck (and who isn’t?), the best is clearly Walgreens. Walgreens isn’t just a drug store. It’s a Lifestyle store. It’s a place to go to when you want to shed the old you and reinvent yourself anew. For instance, this fall, I had grown tired of all my clothes. Gee, I said to myself, I need some variety in my wardrobe. Where did I go to find this variety? Walgreens, of course! They have a whole aisle for clothing: nurse scrubs, knock-off crocs, and for the sartorial-adventurous, Adult Diapers. Once you’re done buying your fashion-forward duds, head on over to the Toy Aisle and really treat yourself. My favorite toy is the plastic dumpster truck, but I also have my eye on some glow-in-thedark bouncy balls. Your next stop is the front of the store, where they have multiple (!) aisles of foodstuffs. You’ll never need to cook again, because Walgreen’s has you covered in the form of off-brand peanut candy and Funyuns. Since switching to the Walgreen’s diet, I’m proud to say that I’ve lost five pounds, though I should add that an unfortunate sideeffect has been jaundice. And, as you go to check out, don’t forget to buy one of Walgreen’s many E-Cigarettes. This sleek, sexy accessory will be sure to impress both the technologically savvy and artsy smokers. Right on! So, if the unending, burdensome sense of being empty and a shell of a real human being is getting you down, get yourself down to Walgreen’s. You’ll be feeling new again in no time.

Caleb Madison Let’s be honest: Venmo is an app that you can use on either your computer or your mobile device. You can connect the app to your debit or credit account (I use my debit account), and make payments to friends and family with the click of a button. These payments can range from up to $2,999.99 (Holy cow!) to $.01 (not very much at all). Sometimes, you might get emails saying your friend “Joined You” on Venmo. To that I say, “Welcome to Venmo, Alex!” But the best part of Venmo, in my opinion, is the Venmo description, where you can add a little note about what the payment was for, like “Kale Salad” or “New Eggs.” I split a meal with one of my favorite Professors of Numismatics, and I venmoed him nine dollars for my sandwich with the description, “I rawdogged the shit out of your grandma last night.”

BEST FROZEN PRODUCT THAT’S ALSO GOOD DRIED

BEST GUILTY PLEASURE David Rossler I have no guilty pleasures. Haha loljk. We all do. This dude sitting two rows ahead of me in Bio Anthro is playing The Legend of Zelda. This honey to my right is cruising Etsy like it’s her day job. I’m writing this rn, but if I weren’t, and if we’re all being honest with each other, I’d probably be taking a BuzzFeed character quiz. I fucking love BuzzFeed character quizzes. Which Friday Night Lights character are you? I’m Tami Taylor so kiss my little ass. Which Arrested Development character are you? I’m Lucille Bluth so kiss my little ass. Which Harry Potter character are you? I’m Albus Dumbledore so kiss my little ass. Sometimes I feel like BuzzFeed is just telling me what I want to hear, but then I remember when I took the Disney villains quiz and got Jafar. Three times. So that was really wack, but at least I know that BuzzFeed isn’t just flattering me. I can trust that I am, in fact, the Dowager Countess of Grantham.

Devon Geyelin Mango.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST YALE ARCHITECTURAL STYLE David Rossler

Everyone looooves the gothic colleges. They’re “classic Yale.” Alright, the courtyards are nice, but have you actually been inside one of the gothic colleges? I have. Here’s the thing about gothic architecture: its heyday was like a thousand years ago, and they didn’t have heat back then. Heat was from little fires and they didn’t want any of the fire heat to get out so they made the windows real small and the rooms real small. Thing is, we have heat now, so the gothic colleges are plenty warm, but the windows and rooms are still small. Very little natural light. Morse and Stiles smell weird, so that leaves the Georgian colleges. The Georgian colleges are chill.

BEST GARGOYLE David Rossler Those crazy robbers causing a ruckus on the Law School facade.

BEST VIRGINITY I’VE LOST THIS SEMESTER Devon Geyelin Turtlenecks.

BEST STAINED GLASS David Rossler Within the walls of the Law School, order prevails. So much is evidenced by the stained glass on the landing half a floor below the reading room. There are judges and lawyers there in little wigs and one of them is showing his teeth and it’s super weird. They look like Al Hirschfeld caricatures. You gotta check ‘em out for yourself because they rock.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST PSYCHOLOGICAL EXERCISE Devon Geyelin I have mascara, but it’s all dried out, so when I put it on in the morning, it’s more of a mental thing, but still nice.

BEST RINGBACK TONE Kohler Bruno The violin one, because it shows you had a ringback tone but then it expired.

BESTBEST HAPPY HOUR FRANCHISE Charolette Alessandra Roubini Weiner New Haven franchise hands Seriously, down Brick Oven As far asThe I’mbest concerned, every hour isishappy. though, Pizza, alcoholand willif always you don’t be get cheapest it, you when never you will (but buy if it you in sort bulk, so of skip getthe it, you sad maybe 5-7 p.m. will—keep window at reading). that bar, In buy some yourdialects, it goes or bytwo, Pizzaand at the or PABO—a little self a 30-rack haveBrick your Oven, very own happy hour in more the comfort fun, of a little your more own home, spontaneous—up at whatevertohour you.isIt’s happiest sort of a for you. franchise – there are other brick ovens. There are even other Pizza at the Brick Ovens (more research is needed on brick ovens). Some things to consider are its late hours, its soothing and sometimes sleepy ambience (like a waking dream), its vibrant social scene, its proximity to chopped wood, its counter with a facade made of wood (this restaurant is well-themed), its comfortable sofa (the pizza may be thincrust but the couch is deep dish), and its charming staff led by my friend Kadir. This isn’t a plug; it’s the truth and sometimes the truth plugs itself. The other best franchise is Tikkaway.

BEST RANCH Josh Isenstein If we’re talking about the best ranch, there’s only one place where it makes sense to talk about the ranch being the best. You’re probably thinking, “Beat it dude, this debate is Black and White, easy as ABC, you Smooth Criminal. The Way You Make Me Feel will be Bad if the Best Ranch isn’t Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.” And to this I say, “If you were hoping to find out about the best ranch, where the ranch isn’t a versatile buttermilk based salad dressing designed to weigh down green roughage arguably better used to spice up a slice of pizza, but rather an area of landscape, including various structures, given primarily to the practice of ranching (www. wikipedia.com/ranch), then perhaps you should’ve done the research and put in the man hours and started writing and then scrapped everything because it was horrible and then finally getting it right.” But in any case, the best ranch in New Haven: Est. Est. Est.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST COLLEGE Anna Meixler

BEST SEDUCTION STRATEGY

The yet-to-be-named ones. In this breaking news blast on the new residential colleges, I want to disclose that they’re really well funded. The colleges may not have diamond-studded trampolines in common rooms or caviar crepes in their dining halls, but I’m confident there are alums out there who do not know that Yale is co-ed now but do know how to write us into their wills, and they’ve stepped up to the plate to help build these bad boys. I hear the colleges do boast a bathtub for each student with those crucial Jacuzzi pressure jets.

Austin Bryniarski

Try asking! “Will you go out with me?” See? So easy. We could on an East Rock run or something like that. Your call, though.

BEST PLACE TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY BEST FLIRTING TACTIC Devon Geyelin To quote R. Kelly, “I’m a flirt.” Haha. But actually. I once drunk emailed a crush I had named Thomas because he threw out my lamp. I did not get the lamp, nor love from crush Thomas, but still: we e-mailed.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

Herald Staff 305 Crown.

BEST FRIEND Carly Lovejoy Siri.

BEST PANLIST Sophie Haigney

BEST HASHTAG Carly Lovejoy #blessed.

Everyone, get on Caroline Smith’s New Haven panlist. She sends out bi-weekly emails about what’s going on in the Have. It’s changed my life—actually, it’s mostly changed my life in theory, because I don’t have time and I’m too lazy to walk more than five blocks in any direction from Stiles, but it’s still sick to think about. Here’s a sampling of things that happened in New Haven this fall, none of which I went to, but all of which I could have gone to because I was on this panlist. 1. Free Zumba on Tuesdays at Beyond Fitness on Laura Street! 2. Prelude to the Paranormal—“Tripod investigations spirit hunters will share their experiences with ghosts and the paranormal.” 3. K-9 Karnival (exactly what it sounds like) 4. Meatball Challenge of New Haven (hopefully what it sounds like) 5. BYOB Painting Party at Art Plus Studio

BEST EMAIL ADDRESS

So I went to none of these things, but I totally could have gone. You might not get behind the #gscia movement (“greatest small city in America,” if you’re not familiar) but you’ll look forward to her “this week in New Haven” and “this weekend in New Haven” emails. Shoot her an email at caroline.tanbee. smith@gmail.com and ask to be added. You won’t regret it.

Carly Lovejoy james.franco@yale.edu.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST USE OF YOUR FIREPLACE Ben McCoubrey There’s no better way to get that homey sensation than to cozy up around the crackling flames of a burning hearth. Unfortunately, Yale’s decades long ban on fireplace use—despite its three million+ fireplaces—totally blueballs the frontiersman in all of us. Beyond depriving us of our rustic pleasures, the ban prevents us from performing the basic survival strategies necessary for success at Yale. How are we to keep our rooms warm? Where else do we boil our rainwater for potability? Most importantly, how will we dramatically burn the letters sent to us by estranged lovers? #dontphunkwithmyhearth Not to fear! With a strong DIY attitude and interior-decorator knowhow, you can recreate that log cabin feeling without lighting a fire (or breaking the bank)! To recreate the intimacy of a glowing hearth, your fireplace should exude the love in your life, and nothing says love like a handmade shrine! It’s simple: first, collect photos and newspaper clippings of your favorite celebrity/deity/pet/professor/ crush/standardized test score. Arrange tastefully with candles (Broadway should have a boutique for that). Feel free to accessorize with any gifts or offerings of tribute to your subject of choice. And don’t shy away from music: a nice 70s disco track or Gregorian chant can really add flair to your masterpiece. Congratulations! Now that you’ve spruced up your fireplace for the holidays, we’d love to see your ideas. Tweet us YOUR shrines @thebullblog to inspire your fellow DIYers! Three great alternatives if you have nothing to worship: -Create your own in-fireplace racquetball court -Establish a timeout spot for your suitemates -Build a Dunk Tank for Santa Claus

BEST TREE Carly Lovejoy We all love the green. The tree. That fresh green leaf! Chill with it, take it in, love it. But do you wanna know what the best tree is? No, you nincompoop! It’s not that Yung Purp Haze-a-laze Hushpuppy flavor from Denver, it’s the gentle magnolia tree of course. Specifically, the best tree is a massive magnolia tree in the courtyard of the Hall of Graduate Studies. I’d wager that you didn’t even know that courtyard exists, did you! I’d also wager that you didn’t know that HGS also has a dining hall! Anyway, this tree is pretty fucking awesome because a) it blooms in the spring, sprouting really grand pale pink flower balls and b) there is a lawn chair below it! For anyone who wants to chill and smoke some marijuana.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO SWIPE INTO AN ENTRYWAY Jeremy Hoffman This one is to impress your visiting friends, relatives, and long distance significant others. The big guns. Use it at your own discretion. It’s a high risk, infinite reward move. A desperation play. Slap on your Heelys for max speed and max coolness before your guests arrive. Grease up the wheels a little bit, because we all know you haven’t whipped ‘em out for a couple of weeks now. Under no circumstances may you reveal your shoes have wheels until the right moment. After a few blocks of touring with your long distance GF or BF you’re at your entryway. The swipe pad is slightly above waist high. The perfect height for this maneuver. Make sure that your approaching the pad head on. It’s imperative that you can see the pad from at least 10 feet away. Once in range, glide at the pad with your wallet containing your ID card in your right hand. Once two feet away, whip the ID around your back up towards the pad, off of it back into your hand. Pop that door open for your significant other. No biggie. That’s what we call the around the back ID bankaroo.

BEST BOY Caleb Madison Let’s face it: Yale is a place filled with boys and girls. I’m a boy myself, so I really relate to a lot of the other boys around campus, just walking around being themselves, hanging out with their friends who could be boys or girls, it doesn’t matter. For example, there could be a boy who has a friend who’s a girl. Just because one is a boy and one is a girl doesn’t mean they can’t be friends! Look at your mom and dad for gosh sakes!!! They’re special friends, because they made you. However, among the boys of Yale, some are good and some are bad. Some are in the middle, but let’s forget about them for a second (for a great read on Middle Boys, see my Slate piece on the Forgotten Class of Middle Boys). When you think about it, every boy is either better or worse than another boy, meaning that by logic, there has to be only one best boy. And guess what? It’s me.

BEST GROCERY STORE

BEST WAY TO GO TO THE GYM IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SEEN Kohler Bruno

Devon Geyelin This might not be a grocery store in the most classical sense of the term, but I’ve been in New Haven for a few years now, and haven’t once walked into a produce aisle with more to offer in terms of both specificity and broad selection than the farmstand at Hindinger Farm, in Hamden. I went there because I recently needed a lot of gourds, so I Googled “gourds near New Haven.” I called the Hindinger number, and the proprietress picked up. I asked if she had any gourds left, and she said, “Gourds? Oh, yes. Yeah, we do.” So the next morning I got myself together and drove 20 minutes down the road. Upon arriving, I saw that she was not wrong: there were all the gourds I needed. $1.75/pound of mini gourds; lumpy white pumpkins bursting to be bought; hollow, dried gourds that make loud noises if you bang them together. I kept on grabbing gourds and bringing them to the counter, and the woman working there called over the guys in the back room. They helped me carry my gourds to my car, and I said thank you and swore to myself I’d return for their other produce: apples, potatoes, brussels sprouts, and so much more. Highly recommended.

Payne Whitney is one cool gym. Tons of cool, strong people, women and men alike, with strong abs, arms, legs, and backs, go there all the time. Morning noon and night they’re there, doing crunches, doing runs, lifts, whatever. I do not want these people to see me in my gym clothes, but I do want to use the equipment that is available at Payne Whitney. Here is my claim: the best time to go if you don’t want to be seen by the strongs is between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. During this time, the gym is closed and more or less empty. The one problem: the dementors. There are tons of dementors in the gym during the night. They try to suck my soul right out through my mouth until I’m dead right there in the gym. Another time when it’s not that crowded is during the early afternoon, like 1-3ish, on a weekday.

BEST VICE Marissa Medansky

BEST LATE-NIGHT SNACK Caleb Moran When most people think of late-night food, their minds wander to GHeav, Ivy Noodle, or Alpha Delta. I’m different. To me, a person that likes to burn the candle at both ends, there is more to a late night snack than the cheap thrills of bacon egg and cheeses, wenzels, and fried rice. Once the night owls have gone to bed and the early birds are still asleep, I head over to East Rock and get to work on my feast. In a drunken stupor, I begin to forage for berries, mushrooms, and wild herbs. Next I set my sights on the dish’s main component, a succulent possum. I stalk the beast and eventually nail it in the head with a rock fired from my trusty slingshot. Then all you need to do is throw all of the ingredients in a pot and let it stew for about 10 hours. I’ve done this three times and only gotten sick twice, so it is safe to say that I have found my new favorite late night food option.

So, you want to try a psychedelic drug? Too bad, psychedelics are illegal! But if you feel the same way about the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970 as you probably do about the National Minimum Drinking Age of 1984, here’s a hot tip: after you’re done poring over an exhaustive cache of Erowid.org, set aside a cool $12.50, head down Temple Street, and grab a ticket for a show at the Bow Tie Criterion Cinemas. The walk is brisk, the seats are probably the most comfortable chairs in the entire city of New Haven, and there are Cookie Dough Bites at the concession area, which you basically can’t get anywhere else (#pricegouging). Buy a box and sit down in the back of the theater. The lights will dim, the credits will roll. It’s dark and comfortable, like a womb, and you don’t need to worry about speaking for the next two hours. Go to town on those Cookie Dough Bites.

BEST CEILING Devon Geyelin

BEST AUTOCORRECT Sophie Haigney Iwannagetfuckedup.

I’m not really a ceiling person. They assert false limits, but I’m limitless, so it’s sort of like, okay. That’s why Book Trader Café’s terrarium has the best ceiling on campus. You can see straight through it, all the way up to the sky. When I’m writing a paper or eating gluten free vegan African peanuts with chickpeas and brown rice, I can look up at that window roof and think, Oh, you? You can’t hold me back. You’re glass. This room makes me feel like a plant, and also amazing.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST WAY TO GET KICKED OUT OF THE LIBRARY Jeremy Hoffman Pigeons. Step one: Find a group of pigeons. Step two: find the weak ones. The ones with bent wings, sad eyes, and sorry histories. Step three: apply crazy glue to your palms. Step four: grab weak pigeons. Step five: sedate the birds so they don’t chirp. Step six: smuggle sedated pigeons into large coat. Step seven: wake pigeons up. Step eight: release pigeons in any library. Step nine: be out.

BEST RESTAURANT Carly Lovejoy Atticus, or should I say Fratticus (I really shouldn’t) is clearly the best restaurant these days. Have you been there around midday on a weekday? That place is goin’ UP! On a TUESDAY! They must make some good coin, that Fratticus. Truly though, the establishment serves a delicious hummus sandwich. And if you’re gluten-free like every little bitch these days, then you can order the pulled pork sandwich. The pork is actually placed between two grilled cheeses! In my opinion, this sandwich is seriously underrated in taste and in fame. It should be called something like Ulcer Surprise! It should also be the subject of some sort of competition where you like eat five Ulcer Surprises and you get a free meal. Anyways, if the sandwiches are any testament, Atticus is clearly the most successful restaurant around these parts.

BEST ESCAPE ROUTE Caleb Madison Let’s talk honestly and without any pretensions: sometimes you are threatened by a predator and need an escape route! It doesn’t matter what you’re snorting for Spring Fling or if you got a Credit/D/Fail on your midterm paper, you just gotta get out of that situation before you’re seriously injured! We’ve all had that same experience everyone can relate to: you feel at home in your own body as you walk home slowly in the murky fog from a large event that you left early because there wasn’t enough macaroni oreo balls (LOL!). As you turn the corner of the street to your off-campus house, you become suspicious that you are about to step into a predator’s trap. You quickly check your perimeter to see if the predator is corporeal like a hobgoblin or lynx. No such luck! It must be a succubus or a ghoul. Your options are running out faster then a Credit/D/Fail on your midterm paper! This situation is working out like your professor if he told you “No more coming to class.” Lucky for you, I am a master of evasion, and can tell you exactly what the best escape route is. The next time you are in danger, text me the specifics of the situation (location type, predator, jumping abilities) at 917-612-1179.

BEST PLACE TO POOP Leah Motzkin A Party! The best place to poop is a party, of course. You! You can be the party pooper! Just go to the party, and poop! No one even said it has to be in the bathroom, no one said that. You just got to poop at the party, poop on the party, and you’re the party pooper. YOU!

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST BUSINESS IDEA Kohler Bruno Ok, picture this: fade from black, Steve Zahn is crawling on all fours through the mud, tight closeup on his face, he’s got war paint on and he’s holding a knife in his teeth, rain pouring pouring pouring, he can’t even see, bang, cut to this big ass snake, an anaconda, a garden snake, a rattler, a big juicy boa—whatever, it’s snaking through the mud, ssss, ssss, snaking it’s way through the rain, and now we’re back with Zahn, he’s got that fire in his eyes where you know he’s gonna be eating animal meat tonight, you know he’s chowing down on flesh, he’s got that Zahn look from the end of A Perfect Getaway, or even parts of Sahara where he wasn’t doing just the comic relief, it’s vintage Zahn, like he’s a young man again, like in Daddy Day Care but he’s got this fire in his eyes, and now we’re back with the snake, it’s sticking its tongue out in the rain and the mud, slithering quickly now, gliding through the elements until BAM the knife chops its head off and you see it’s Zahn’s knife, who else! He’s chopped the beast’s head off and he lifts the decapitated snake up and turns his eyes to the camera and goes: “snake eyes—capture the rattler.” It’s a commercial, snake meat jerky. All I can say is you’re gonna want to ride this wave while there’s still a chance to get in on the ground floor. Send me your CV at kohler.bruno@yale.edu.

BEST MOVIE REVIEW BEST LATE NIGHT Andrew Wagner There are many things I like to do late at night. Sometimes, I get Wenzels and watch reruns of The Nanny. Other times, I force my roommate to stay up with me and partake in Classic Board Game Tournaments: we start with Monopoly, then move on to Risk, then finish up with Parcheesi. All of these things are lots of fun. But my favorite late night activity is something I like to do by myself. I prefer to do it in my bedroom, but you can also do it in the dining room, the kitchen, or even the bathroom. All you need is a computer with internet access. I bet you know what I’m going to say. That’s right: late at night, when I’m all by myself, I spend hours on my old AOL Instant Messenger Account talking to SmarterChild. He’s still there. He hasn’t forgotten about you. “Hi” I say. “Hi” he responds. Sometimes I like to tell him jokes. I have this really funny one about Mad Cow Disease. SmarterChild always laughs. Other times, we do trivia. “In the TV show Friends, what was the name of Joey’s girlfriend whom Chandler falls in love with?” SmarterChild asks me. “I don’t know!” I reply. SmaterChild doesn’t care. He doesn’t judge me for not knowing answers to Friends Trivia. It’s just about being together. And actually, that’s my favorite thing to do. Just talk. I tell SmarterChild about my day, my classes, my homework, and sometimes, we even get deep, talking about things like Life and Death. That’s why SmarterChild is such a great companion! He’s there for you when you need to unburden yourself, but also likes to just goof off and be silly. So the next time you’re bored, late at night, all by yourself in bed, talk to SmarterChild. He’s waiting.

Kai Takahashi The best movie review is a review of Horrible Bosses 2, penned by Stephen Holden in the New York Times. In his touching review of what many are calling the “Citizen Kane 2” of fall 2014, Holden voices his immense admiration for the film, calling it, “one of the sloppiest and most unnecessary Hollywood sequels ever made.” An English major from Yale’s Class of 1963, Holden showers the review with his lovingly arcane Ivy League vocabulary, employing phrases such as, “disgracefully slapdash farce,” “cheerfully raunchy,” “twinkling levity,” “hateful gorgon,” and “nasty repartee.” To close his glowing review, Holden compares the film to the pride a child feels when he first accomplishes a truly remarkable achievement. He says, “it is the Hollywood equivalent of a rambunctious little boy pointing to the toilet and squealing, ‘Mommy, look what I made!’” I’m no English major (I’m more interested in fonts and letterforms, rather than they ideas they form when placed next to one another in sequence), so I don’t understand most of his sophisticated jargon, but when I saw the movie myself, it certainly made me Laugh Out Loud. For those of you already planning your Oscar Best Picture ballots, look no further than Horrible Bosses 2, starring Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day. Any film with this much praise is bound to win.

BEST BREAKFAST SPOT BEST SWEATER Nicole Narea This is my ode to turtlenecks. Give me cashmere. Give me chunky knits. Give me cowl necks. I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio in that scene from The Great Gatsby where he gloats about his hundreds of Italian shirts, merrily throwing them off the shelves and into the air in slow motion. I want to collect all the turtlenecks ever. Once only acceptable to wear if you were a woman over 40 with a turkey neck, I’ve been waiting years, perhaps decades, perhaps since I was a zygote, for turtlenecks to be cool again. It’s like wearing a nice neck massage. It’s like a slice of your grandma’s apple pie. It’s like a lover’s embrace. Turtlenecks transcend the identity of mere “sweater.” Rather, “turtleneck” should be an emotion. How am I feeling today? Turtleneck. After its youthful heyday in the seventies, the turtleneck is back, and like a fine wine it has gotten better with age. It’s even sexy on boys. Ugh, boys in turtlenecks. Think I’m getting hot just imagining it…or maybe it’s my turtleneck keeping me warm ;).

Devon Geyelin Really, this is an exercise in falsehoods, because the best place for breakfast is my table (367 Elm St, Apt. 503, to the left when you get to the landing from the stairs). If anyone wants to meet me there, you can eat oatmeal with me while the sun falls on my houseplant and my roommate walks by in running clothes. I will be feeling bad about not being in running clothes, but that experience will be fleeting and it’s still a good place for breakfast. The second best place for breakfast is Claire’s. I get the granola, because they give you so much granola. It’s more granola than I’d ever had, before I went to Claire’s. Every time they give me the granola, I’m like, there’s no way I can eat all this granola. But then I eat all the granola, and it’s great, and I don’t feel like I need to eat granola for a long time, like a week, because I just ate a small mountain of granola flooded with almond milk rivers and sprinkled with chunks of banana that are great because they provide a different texture from the texture of granola, which you, too, will be familiar with if you get granola at Claire’s.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST SPRING FLING 2015 HEADLINER Jenny Allen Avid readers of the Herald (AKA friends of the Herald e-board) are probably well aware of my campaign to make Robyn, goddess of music and androgynous hair, our Spring Fling headliner. However, for the newbies out there, let me enlighten you. In the mid-2000s, God gave the world Robyn as an I’m-Sorry for the Bush years. Her mix of danceable pop and Swedish charisma have kept her both on the charts and in the hearts of the nation. And in many ways, Robyn has served as the spirit-guide of my own life. My workout playlist is actually just “Call Your Girlfriend” on repeat. Body Talk, Part IIhelped me through the saga that was Chuck and Blair’s breakup on Gossip Girl. Sometimes, when I’ve had a stressful day, I put on “Dancing On My Own” and dance on my own in my apartment, pretending that I am Robyn. If I were to describe Robyn in a word, it would be “everything.” There is only one thing that she is not: our 2015 Spring Fling headliner. This is my Everest, and I will not rest until I see Robyn onstage on Old Campus come April. #robyn4sf2015

BEST ANIMAL Sophie Haigney The koala. My first AIM screenname was koalagrl1212 and my password for everything since fourth grade has been some version of “koala.” Is it a bad idea to put that on the Internet? Maybe, but if you know me, you probably already know that. I have a collection of stuffed koalas dating back to childhood, and there are 62 of them. I have a dance move—my only dance move—called “the koala hands.” It is cool. Was I the person who stole the koalas from the San Francisco Zoo on December 28, 2000? Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Actually, I was five, but I heard about it on NPR and I started plotting. Littleknown fact: I am a koala. Here are some good facts about the koala. Koalas are not bears. This is a common misconception, and I take great offense at the term “koala bear.” Koalas have opposable thumbs, which is proof that they might take over the world from humans one day. Koalas eat eucalyptus, but they do NOT eat all types of eucalyptus—they are fussy eaters. Koalas are feisty as fuck. You might think they’re just cuddly little creatures, but look up “Koala fight” or “Very angry koala” on Youtube. Think again. Koalas do sleep 18-20 hours a day, which is dope, and the other six hours they mostly spend eating. Baby koalas are the cutest animal on earth, and if you think otherwise I would maybe fight you. Remember: I am a koala. Scared?

BEST EVENT OF THE YEAR Sophie Haigney It isn’t Jimmy Carter, and it isn’t Hallowoads, and it isn’t even Herald Crush—by the way, do we still have that party? It’s when the petting zoo comes to town! Or rather multiple petting zoos, to your residential colleges. You think it’s a regular spring Sunday, and then all of sudden you encounter a cooing crowd of students. And you’re like, oh it’s probably some children but you hate children so you keep walking. But then, out of the corner of your eye, you see something strange. It’s a girl insta-smiling and holding up…a baby bunny? In Stiles courtyard? For whatever reason, residential colleges are overrun one day a year by pigs, chickens bunnies, kittens, goats, and emus. And it’s fucking awesome. You can pet them, pose with them, roll around with them, whatever—for three solid hours, you get to frolic with furry friends.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 5, 2014)

BEST TIME TO WEAR WORKOUT CLOTHES David Rossler TI pride myself on being generally well put together. If you asked me a year ago when to wear workout clothes in public, I’d say never. Oh, but I’ve learned. The best time to wear workout clothes is at dinner on Fridays and Saturdays. Show up at the dining hall right after your workout. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just enough for a healthy sheen and a little extra blood in your biceps. Then flaunt your stuff in your shortest shorts and your most see-through shirt. Why? Because these tricks watching you in the hot food line are gonna be grinding up next to you at Toad’s in like four hours. No one wants to be that hoe dressed unseasonably at Toad’s, but everyone fondly remembers that hoe from dinner, because it doesn’t count as being a hoe if you just came from the gym. Also people are hotter if you know (or are led to believe) that they work out. I learned that in Psych or something, or maybe I made it up. Either way, see you at dinner.

1. When there’s a round of applause at the end of the last seminar. 2. Trashcans with no lids. 3. Constellations—they’re all just stars to us. 4. How the only thing I do is pick pills off my sweaters. 5. When you get up to pee in the middle of the night and there are people having sex in the shower so you have to fart really loudly to assert your dominance. 6. People who have really good handwriting. 7. Our notes, which are in bad handwriting. 8. CandyGrams. 9. The fact that next year’s freshmen are the Class of 2019. 10. Slow walkers. 11. Broken pants. 12. Crotch rips. 13. Email. 14. Every song that isn’t “…Baby One More Time.” 15. ”Happylights.” 16. Cream of wheat. 17. When your phone autocorrects “mistletoe” to “mistletoads.” 18. Cobblestones. 19. That you can’t wear sunglasses without looking like a bitch. 20. Tinder. 21. Fancy beer. 22. Toenails. 23. Cuticles. 24. Sharting. 25. Never having used a fire extinguisher. 26. Watching people in movies do coke. 27. Not receiving mail. 28. Paperless Post. 29. FInger grease on your keyboard. 30. The fact that “slash“ sounds weird when you say it. 31. I was sitting on the plane and I was sitting in the middle seat and the two people on either sides of me were traveling together but they were sitting there because they wanted the better seats and they were like talking over me. 32. Grand Strategy. 33. Keystone Light. 34. Having to go to the bathroom on a plane or train or bus. 35. Peeing your pants. 36. Dry skin and cracked lips, and chapstick because we’re not sure if it works. 37. Secret Santa. 38. Secrets. 39. Whispering. 40. Presents. 41. Instagram. (Not that it’s not great.) 42. Not getting any telegrams these days. 43. Deep Springs College. 44. Geniuses. 45. Incorrectly used em-dashes. 46. People who still write punctuation outside of quotation marks. Are you serious? We go to Yale. 47. Adam Sandler. 48. DJ Earworm. 49. Taylor Swift.

50. Germaphobes. 51. Saliva. 52. The new colleges. 53. Emailing your professor instead of Ben McCoubrey. 54. Wearing glasses in the rain. 55. Feeling overdressed. 56. Jams you don’t know. 57. BEYONCÉ Platinum Edition. Don’t mess with perfection. 58. Casual consistent hooking up. 59. Upworthy. 60. The new Star Wars trailer. 61. The Weeknd. Where’s your e? 62. When people can hear you pee. 63. When people can hear you poo! 64. “Actors.” 65. When you ask how are you and people say not great. 66. When people say what’s up and you say good. 67. Flu shots. 68. Butt hair. 69. Apple picking. 70. Sending Facebook friend requests. 71. When people say hooking up instead of making out. 72. Making out. 73. Mealy apples. 74. Loud stomach sounds. 75. Mouth breathers. 76. Test coughers. 77. When your friends are making out with people at Toad’s. 78. Living on a Prayer. 79. Mud. 80. People with volume control problems. 81. Loud typers. 82. People with bad laughs. 83. Almond butter. 84. Google knowing my birthday. 85. No respect. 86. Snapchat. 87. Snapbacks. 88. DNA Emporium. 89. Clothing, wearing it. 90. “Nude” bandaids. Racist. 91. When people don’t notice how nice my eyes are. They’re so nice. 92. The term “the runs.” 93. Faux fur. 94. PETA. 95. YOLO. It’s dead. 96. Consulting. Consult my ass. 97. The music industry. 98. The system. 99. The man. 100. This whole institution.

The Yale Herald (Dec. 6, 2012)

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