Herald 100 2017

100

THE HERALD

THE YALE HERALD SPECIAL EDITION YALE’S MOST DARING PUBLICATION SINCE 1986

FROM THE EDITORS

THE HERALD MASTHEAD EDITORIAL STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITORS DEPUTY EDITOR EXECUTIVE EDITORS SENIOR EDITOR FEATURES EDITORS CULTURE EDITORS OPINION EDITORS

Hi all:

REVIEWS EDITORS VOICES EDITOR INSERT EDITOR AUDIO EDITOR BULLBLOG EDITOR

I live by the motto “The worst anything can ever be is very bad,” which in the past, has brought me comfort during hard times. Recently, though, I’ve found it less comforting and less true. Things are very bad. In fact, things are pretty much catastrophic, and between flaming cities and child rapists, I find it hard to see the light at the end of a Very Bad tunnel. Sure, classes are over, but now we have finals. Oh, and also we’re about to experience the sixth mass extinction event. Ha! We here at the Herald, ever daring and optimistic, have the literary salve for your 21st century woes: the 100 best. It is our tradition to end the first semester of every year with 100 superlatives. As breaking a tradition is an excomm-able offense at this institution, here’s this year’s Herald 100. From helpful campus tips, like best study locales or dining hall foods, to helpful tips for your future, like best baby name, the Herald 100 has just what you need to laugh your way through finals. And if you disagree with any of these flaming hot takes, feel free to write your rebuttal and publish it next year.

Through all the Very Bad bullshit of 2017, I’ve had Harold to keep me going. So at the risk of making this the Herald 101, please enjoy Yale’s best and most daring publication. I know I have.

With all the love in my tiny, cold heart, Emma Chanen

Almost former Editor-in-Chief

2 THE YALE HERALD

Emma Chanen Emily Ge, Marc Shkurovich, Eve Sneider Hannah Offer Tom Cusano, Oriana Tang, Anna Sudderth, Rachel Strodel Luke Chang Margaret Grabar Sage, Jack Kyono Fiona Drenttel, Meghana Mysore Lydia Buonomano, Clara de Pablo Carly Gove, Nicole Mo Rachel Calnek-Sugin Kristina Cuello Will Reid Marc Shkurovich

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BUSINESS STAFF DIRECTOR OF ADVERTISING

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The Yale Herald is a not-for-profit, non-partisan, incorporated student publication registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office.

If you wish to subscribe to the Herald, please contact the Editor-in-Chief at emma.chanen@yale.edu. Receive the Herald for one semester for 40 dollars, or for the 2016-2017 academic year for 65 dollars.

The Yale Herald is published by Yale College students, and Yale University is not responsible for its contents. All opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not reflect the views of The Yale Herald, Inc. or Yale University. Copyright 2017 The Yale Herald.

IN THIS ISSUE

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Best spaces on campus for singing in close harmony Best soup

Best way to eat soup Best Harvard corporation decision of 2017 Best mockumentary of 2017 Best times to play “Linger” by The Cranberries Best dick

6

Best way to decide your major Best LaCroix flavor

Best place to study Best worst dog Best horrible breakfast phenomenon

10

Best grocery store purchase

episode of a TV show

Best race

Best Ryan Gosling

Best time to get into film photography

Best worst Ryan Gosling

Best pants

Best way to break up with your girlfriend who lives in Pauli Murray

Best word in the Spanish language

12

Best word in the English language

Best score to work out to

8

Best use of Tinder

Best way to look tall in a Tinder photo

Best worst smile in Hollywood

Best way to wear a shirt

Best foot-related ritual

Best worst band name

Best way to break a toe

Best salt

Best writing seminar

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Best responsible pet ownership practice

Best coming-of-age film

Best cheese flavored snacks

The Best Apple product for one’s life

Best worst way to take notes on your computer

Best coming

Best underrated dining hall dessert

Best squirrel Best sweater Best real-life villain name

Best baby name Best hat

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Best worst hat

Best worst sculpture in the YUAG sculpture garden

Best mushroom Best time and reason to bleach your hair Best kid’s drawing Best way to read the Herald Best worst children’s series Best Heathers zinger Best canceled app

Best Yale Dining meal

Best place to be sad

Best number

Best made-up word

Best song about bad breakfast decisions

Best worst way to get someone’s number

Best paste

Best worst word in Arabic

Best response to the Trolley Problem

Best worst plotline of Love Actually

Best song of all time

Best question on the Connecticut learner’s permit written test

Best resolution

Best keychain attachment

Best plotline of Love Actually

Best Nintendo Gamecube video game

Best chicken noodle soup at Durfee’s

Best way to cut hair

to flood your newsfeed Best way to weed out potential S.O.’s

Best worst Apple product for one’s social life

Best pees

Best score to study to

16

Best worst movie to come out of sobbing Best actor name

18

Best blockchain

Best place to study at 3pm on a weekday

The best campus walkway

Best genre of wrestling

Best movie

Best restaurant

Best holiday-themed

20

Best Disney movie soundtrack

Best time to wear a striped sweater Best cultural representation in a Pixar movie

Best worst wet foot sensation

Best worst freezer find Best book club for scam artists Best conversation overheard in the Berkeley dining hall

Best way to sell your soul Best MFA BS crit term Best on-campus cemetery Best Roman emperor Best name for a teeny tiny pug Best worst way to shake a hand Best way to sneeze Best content to flood your newsfeed Best worst content

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Best spaces on campus for singing in close harmony The Woolsey Rotunda will take your sound, and wrap it around you like a quilt. It will take overtones you didn’t know existed and weave them into gossamer fabrics that float gently to the ground after you stop singing.

Ideal for Rachmaninov and Brahms, laments and prayers. The YUAG’s western staircase— the cylindrical one made of cement—will take your sound and refine it. It will filter it through charcoal and sand, sharpen the ends, polish its surface, present it back to you in pristine condition, crisp. Ideal for Bach, Mendelsohn, and lively folk songs. The small room in WLH labeled “To Elevator”—on the mezzanine next to Sudler—will amplify your sound until your ears buzz. Ideal for Slavic music and belting.

Happy singing!

Best Harvard corporation decision of 2017 To be honest, I don’t keep track of Harvard Corporation business, partly because their meetings take place in a renovated cave outside rapidly gentrifying Somerville, Mass., and I don’t have clearance. But I do know that the 13-member group voted to maintain sanctions against members of Harvard’s single-gender final clubs and Greek organizations. You might be wondering, how can they do this?? Unfortunately, I have no answer for you. I have literally no idea how this works. But more pressingly, I have no idea why Yalé DIDN’T DO IT FIRST. I hope the “right side of history” argument appeals to you; I firmly believe that single-gender social spaces are holding us back. For those of you who aren’t swayed by this, including the 60-year-old white Yale alum who stumbled into me at the Harvard-Yale Black tailgate, maybe something else might motivate you. Harvard beat us! They beat us at gender equality! No matter how sweet that 24-3 victory tastes, I won’t be satisfied until we—you, me, and the 17 cave-dwelling trustees of our beloved Ivy League title—settle another score.

Anna McNeil, BR ’20

Best horrible breakfast phenomenon I meet a friend for breakfast. The friend is a boy. I sit down with my miniature bagel, cantaloupe, and one hard boiled egg.

The boy has 12 hard boiled eggs on his plate.

Why? Eggs are good for you, in moderation.

Good sources of protein that will fill you up in the morning. But 12? How filled up are you trying to be? The boy claims it’s because he’s been working out. You know that he is lying.

Does he just love eggs? I notice that most of the boys in the dining hall are eating four eggs at a minimum. Is it just a rite of passage for boys? How can anyone enjoy eating 12 eggs in one sitting? I myself enjoy a good hard boiled egg now and again, but 12? He begins to eat the egg yolk and the white separately. I get up and leave.

Tracy Chung, Pierson ’19, YH Staff

Jonah Pearl, GH ’18

Best times to play “Linger” by The Cranberries Best mockumentary of 2017 This award belongs to American Vandal, far and away. The question of who drew 27 dicks on teachers’ cars in the school parking lot is a generation-defining query that must be solved in the name of truth and justice. And that’s exactly what the show undertakes. Not only is the show hilarious, but it also touches on compelling issues of bureaucracy, social status, and filmmaker responsibility in ways both poignant and absurd. Not to mention that this show is only eight half-hour episodes, so truly what are you waiting for?! Go follow two intrepid high school sophomores as they try to prove one young man’s innocence and uncover the real story behind the dicks!

Emma Keyes, PC ’19, YH Staff

At a TUIB party where everyone has long hair or no hair and is friendly and the room smells faintly of cloves. They’re out of beer but they’ve got Jim Beam, and you’re drunk enough as it is.

OR when you’re at Book Trader, gently chipping away at an essay, and you say to yourself, “yeah, I’m doing this right, I’m being a functional Yalie right now.” You start singing along under your breath quietly: “You know I’m such a fool for you.”

OR when you’re subjecting yourself to comic degrees of grumpy introspection about why one particular text message received no reply, and you decide the best course of action is total indulgence in your melancholia. “Then why were you holding her HAND,” you yell along into the mirror, as Dolores O’Riordan’s celestial Irish crooning helps you to believe you are not a sociopath.

Or at your wedding.

Nice.

Ivan Kirwan-Taylor, JE ’18

Best dick

My dad’s because it made me, and I’m perfect just the Chase Ammon, PC ’18

Best worst dog I know this superlative seems heartless, but my dog is the Worst Dog and he deserves to be shamed as such. I can already hear you saying, “Wahh there are no bad dogs,” “All dogs go to Heaven,” and whatever other useless platitudes you can think of. But my dog doesn’t deserve your sympathy. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dumbass, but he is the worst. He’s a big black dog who looks like he can comport himself with class and dignity, but he can’t. Bonkers (a more fitting name than we ever could have guessed, although I suppose this whole situation is due to my father who picked the name from The World of Garp in which a dog named Bonkers bites a boy’s ear off, but I digress) will literally bite the hand that feeds him. We cannot allow him near small children because the odds that he will try to destroy them are not zero. It is our duty to lock him in my room every time guests come over because he cannot handle the responsibility of being among respectable company (aka anyone outside of my immediate family). It must be said: Bonkers is a bad dog (but I love him nonetheless).

Emma Keyes, PC ’19, YH Staff

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THE YALE HERALD

e way I am.

Best place to study

Best soup

When I tell people I study in the stacks—always on the 7th floor—they usually say something like, “The stacks are so creepy!” Sure, you’ll see a few tired tropes: names in hearts, crudely drawn reproductive organs, mysterious phone numbers, and the like. But it’s a good place to go when the days seem too short and your assignments too long.

Overwhelmed by your p-set and want to procrastinate a little? Read some poetry: both Bukowski’s “Pull A String, A Puppet Moves” and Dickinson’s “‘Hope’ is the Thing with Feathers” can be found scrawled in pen. Or check out some of the conversations written on the walls. Exchanges like “Tell her how you feel!”/“NO!” and “Are you what you want to be?”/“Rarely, but trying” will both entertain you and lead to existential musing. Find yourself losing motivation as you work on an essay? Well, the stacks have got you covered with positive affirmation, including “If you couldn’t do it, you wouldn’t be here” and “You are wonderful.” On top of that, there are curiosities like “I love you and I hope you’re not a sociopath” and sketches of strange, unrecognizable animals. You’ll never again be bored during intense study sessions.

According to the very helpful twitter account @soupreviews, which reviews different soups in different cities, the best soup is Butternut Squash with Pumpkin Seeds. Available at Campono D.C., this soup is rated 10 out of 10 and, according to the anonymous soup drinker who consumed it on Nov. 20 of this year, is “good value for money.” I love butternut squash soup but have not sampled this particular variety, so here are some local soups I’d sip again: - Mushroom barley soup from Book Trader. Very good soup.

- The lentil soup I made on Monday (technically a stew, still good though).

- Yale Dining soups, which are very underrated in terms of dining options.

Potato leek is a highlight; carrot ginger will do wonders for a cold.

- Tomato soup from the Caseus truck! Wow, this soup is a peppery tomato delight.

Brittany Menjivar, ES ’21, YH Staff

There are a lot of good soups in this city, so it’s hard to go too far astray.

Just steer clear of the cabbage soup in my freezer: a true 0 out of 10.

Claire Goldsmith, JE ’18, YH Staff

Best way to eat soup Trick question: drink it from a mug.

Mark Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best score to study to It’s 2017. The most badass, motivating, hard-hitting song that you could be listening to while doing anything is the Wonder Woman theme from this year’s hit that made the world think, “Huh, can women do things, too?” First conceived by Hans Zimmer and Junkie XL for Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (a stain on Diana Prince’s history), the swelling beat and electric cello will make writing an annotated bibliography feel like crushing a man’s head between your thighs. You can do anything. You’re kissing Chris Pine. You’re also kissing Gal Gadot.

Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff

Best score to work out to See above.

Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff

Best way to decide your major The key to lifting yourself out of the abyss of uncertainty is to. . . actually, there are many possible keys. You can shop classes; you can talk to the DUS; you can ask upperclassmen (preferably ones who don’t look visibly jaded); you can double major like me. You can choose your major based solely on who your favorite professor is; you can choose your major based on which department building is closest to your dorm. I can’t exclusively recommend one strategy over all others, so I suggest you try as many out as you can. I do have to say that I would not recommend Buzzfeed quizzes. They make English majors look sooo bad.

Another important thing is to clarify internally what is important to you. Do you want to help people? Earn money? Gain power? Find beauty?

Find a boyfriend/girlfriend? But if you don’t know where your priorities stand, like most sane people, then you’re in luck. There’s economics and political science for you.

Linus Lu, DC ’19

Best LaCroix flavor It’s blackberry cucumber, AKA Múre Pepino. Don’t @ me. I don’t care about your LaCroix take. It’s probably as bad as Pamplemousse.

Emma Chanen, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best place to be sad

If you’re someone who thinks jokes about TD being far are funny, then you have probably never heard of Whitney Avenue, but almost definitely spend some time being sad. Now, to fix the latter, you should probably stop making jokes about how far TD is and people will like you more.

If that doesn’t fix it altogether, though, I have just the place for you. It’s called Koffee?. It’s a small coffee shop on Whitney Avenue, and it’s affectionately known as “Koffee? with a K.” It’s a little off the beaten path, which is good because you can fully commit to being sad instead of worrying about talking to people you know. In fact, whenever I see someone I know at Koffee?, we ignore each other so we can both focus on being sad instead.

The coffee is good, and all the baristas are friendly and attractive in a network sitcom way (not quite cable sitcom, sorry Koffee? baristas). There’s a variety of seating, and on quiet days, you’ve got your pick of comfy armchairs, long tables, or high counter chairs. From time to time, they play My Chemical Romance, which is an unexpected coffeeshop vibe but very good for being sad. The question mark in its name will remind you of your existential unease. So next time you’re sad, take a page from my book: go get a Koffee? croissant and pretend the barista is your boyfriend! You may still be sad, but at least you’re at Koffee?

Emma Chanen, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best song of all time

It’s a simple question with an even simpler answer. The best song ever made is “Sharpness,”

by Jamie Woon. Its groovy beat/baseline gets the shoulders moving like nobody’s business. When the British crooner throws his falsetto into the mix, what you’ve got are unadulterated good vibes.

There’s a part in the bridge that goes, “from the want and the waiting,” but it sounds like he’s singing “from Norwalk to Rowayton,” so it should really hit home for us Connecticuters. The easiest way to describe what it feels like to listen to “Sharpness”: take the “s” from the song’s title and add it to the artist’s last name. Thank me later.

Marc Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

6

THE YALE HERALD

Best question on the Connecticut learner’s permit written test

“What should you do when you approach a horse being ridden on a highway?”

The law requires you to exercise due care when approaching a horse. So, slow down and, whatever you do, don’t honk your horn. I know this because I am taking my learner’s permit test next week and I am Very Excited about it. The one time I sat behind the wheel of a car, in an empty Hobby Lobby parking lot in Northwestern Indiana, I almost hit a bright orange lamppost. But now that I’ve taken all of these practice tests I feel totally prepared to hit the road. Proud to say that the first time I approach a horse on the I-95, I’ll know exactly what to do.

Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best chicken noodle soup at Durfee’s

Durfee’s thought they could pull a fast one on us, folks. Well, after three and a half years, I caught on. While other weary souls refusing to eat dining hall cape shark were content to grab the first microwavable meal at hand en route to their afternoon naps, I waited; and lo and behold, tucked towards the back of the refrigerated section, I found Durfee’s best-kept secret: The Panera-brand chicken noodle soup cup!

While it’s not quite as good as the restaurant version, Panera’s is the best chicken noodle soup cup at Durfee’s, hands down. Unlike its main competitor Campbell’s, Panera’s cup actually has vegetables in it (wow!), and its chicken doesn’t look like diced squirrel meat (I’ve never seen diced squirrel meat, but it’s gotta look something like that). I’ll admit I do enjoy Campbell’s now and again, sans squirrel. But as far as a balanced soup goes, Andy Warhol’s darling pales in comparison to Panera’s hearty blend. More importantly, they cost the same! “What?! I can get a healthy dose of chicken, noodles, carrots, and celery for the same price as a soup that’s 50% broth, 49% noodles, and 1% squirrel meat? I’m in!”

To be fair, there is a third, lesser-known brand at Durfee’s. But given its proximity to the shop’s entrance and the Campbell’s, it’s safe to assume that that cup is merely another distraction. (We’re on to you Durfee’s!) And while the Panera cup’s noodles could be a little less chewy, at least I can sleep at night knowing I didn’t unwittingly fall into the man’s covert attempt to end squirrelhood by 2020. (Google it). So next time you’re in line at Durfee’s, tired, hungry, reaching for Campbell’s, just think, “Do I hate squirrels?”

That should adequately inform your chicken noodle soup consumption decision.

Nic Harris BR ’18, YH Staff

Best word in the Spanish language

Growing up with talkative, Spanish-speaking relatives, I’ve heard many beautiful Spanish words throughout my life. Ojalá (hopefully or perhaps); caríño (affection); estrella (star). Even the Spanish word for “word,” palabra, has a nice ring and rhythm to it.

But none of these words come close to my absolute favorite word in the Spanish language—the most beautiful word, as far as I’m concerned—polilla, meaning “moth.”

I learned the word several weeks ago while in Spanish class, and its beauty continues to amaze me. Various other languages have interesting words for “moth,” including papillon de nuit in French, misy kalalao in Malagasy, and rama-rama in Malay, but there’s something about polilla that I adore. I like the way the word flows and the way it rolls off my tongue. I like its melodic sound and the way the high-pitched “li” is sandwiched between the two low-pitched syllables. Polilla is a word that suggests grace, elegance, and exquisiteness, traits we don’t typically associate with the drab-colored, pesky, plain insects, those ugly stepsisters of butterflies that we know as moths.

Polilla: a word so beautiful, it could be the name of my future daughter. And among the thousands of other Spanish words I’ve heard throughout my lifetime, it’s the word I love most.

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Lauren Quintela, PC ’21, YH Staff

Best worst word in the Arabic language

Best word in the English language

Because how the fuck am I supposed to say .

Idk, but it’s not moth.

Emily Ge, BK ‘19, YH Staff

Best song about bad breakfast decisions

You may have your own opinions about this category and you may want to challenge my pick here, but the only song that has even a shot of dethroning my song of choice is obviously Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok.” The lyric “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” is undoubtedly a great line, but is only one line in the first verse, and it doesn’t explicitly connect the bottle of Jack to Ke$ha’s breakfast habits, so no crown for “Tik Tok.” Instead that honor goes to The Replacements’ song “Beer for Breakfast,” because come on. The track from their 1997 compilation album All For Nothing/Nothing For All contains 1:38 seconds of pure glory built around the hook of the song: “All I want to do is drink beer for breakfast!” Simple, catchy, and straight-to-the-point. The Replacements knew how to write a song about bad breakfast decisions.

Emma Keyes, PC ’19, YH Staff

Best pants The best pants are black pants. You can’t go wrong when you’re wearing black pants. Try them out and you’ll see what I mean!

Everest Fang, ES ’20

Marc Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best use of Tinder

You really need to sweep the floor of your experimental music venue before the next show, but there’s no way you’re going to get it done by yourself (way too many cig butts, bottle caps, and slowly disintegrating petals of delicate purple flowers). None of your friends want to help, and there’s no chance in hell you can afford a cleaning service.

Besides, you’re not even sure you could hire a cleaning service for this place; what if they report you for zoning law violations? You don’t even have a fire extinguisher! You’re stuck, right? Wrong! Forget the gig economy—you don’t need to look any further than the world of online dating.

Why stop at emotional labor when you can have the real, physical thing?

Bix Archer, BK ’19

Best way to look tall in a Tinder photo

Walk around your house or dorm until you find the doorknob that’s lowest to the floor. If they’re all of standard height, look elsewhere. Stroll the neighborhood; introduce yourself to your neighbors!

Ask to see the doorknobs in their house. If these aren’t suitable, try the next neighbor. Once you have located a doorknob of sufficiently low height (at least seven inches below the belly button), pose for a photo in front of the door. Make sure the doorknob is visible. Try and make your chest and neck look as large as possible, so that you appear both big and tall. Your neighbors can even join you in the photo but only if they are shorter than you. Alternatively, create your own tape measure but make all the markings slightly less than an inch apart. Pose next to the tape measure (ideally, you will incorporate the tape measure into some larger narrative within the image, but this isn’t required). Add these pictures to your Tinder, and watch the matches roll in.

Bix Archer, BK ’19

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Best grocery store purchase It’s a rotisserie chicken. Yeah there are a lot of cool, good things you can buy at a grocery store. In some states, you can even buy fireworks, and in those states, sure, a firework is the best thing you can buy at a grocery store. But everywhere else, the best thing is a rotisserie chicken. Here’s why: it’s delicious, nutritious, and ready to eat. I’m not gonna eat a rotisserie chicken in one meal, so I can start on the drumstick on my walk home and still have a breast for dinner, a thigh the next day. Since moving off-campus, I’ve had to learn the delicate dance of nourishing myself, and let me tell you, the name of the game is LEAN PROTEIN. A rotisserie chicken is a lean, mean, feeding machine. And it’s only $4.30. If you’re feeling a little saucy, try Stop ‘n’ Shop’s “Kiss of Honey” version.

Emma Chanen, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best squirrel The squirrel I have named Albert that lives in Pierson Upper Court and is the only squirrel I have ever seen lounge around, laying flat on its stomach, encapsulating how I feel at any given time.

Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff

Best pees 1. Drunk Pees 2. Caffeine Pees 3. I don’t know where the bathroom is in the Watson Center so I’ve-been-holding-my-pee-for-five-hours Pees Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff

Best worst sculpture in the YUAG sculpture garden Child psychologists claim that most kids make their first pun around age six. This initial play on words is typically neither intentional nor clever, but recognizing it is a big linguistic accomplishment for preschoolers—a moment to be proud of.

Sculptor Paul Forte is and is not like most kids. Like them, he made a bad first pun, and like them, he was very proud of it. Unlike them, he was 64, and also unlike them, he had the regrettable combination of moxie and connections to display it in the Yale University Art Gallery’s Sculpture Garden.

At least, that’s the only way I can explain the pale gray headstone, hiding in the corner of the garden, with this truly disappointing inscription: “Hear NO Lies.” The words are just off-center enough that they look weird but not off-center enough to look intentional. The spacing is funky. The font looks like fucking Times New Roman. And Jesus, I’ve heard smarter triple entendres in the line to the bathroom at Toad’s. *monkey-with-eyes-closed-emoji* Regardless, now it has the honor of being the most annoying thing to look at in the Sculpture Garden. Congratulations, YUAG, for this latest jewel in your curatorial crown—Van Gogh, Warhol, Picasso, and Paul.

Jordan Cutler-Tietjen, JE ’20

Best sweater Picture this: two sloths sit around a Christmas tree. One wears striped red-and-white pajama pants. The other perches upon a wrapped gift, with a festive red bow wrapped around its neck. They decorate the tree, carefully placing ornaments on its branches. Above them hangs a calendar that reads “January 15.”

This is the image of my favorite ugly Christmas sweater—actually, my all-time favorite sweater.

It’s a sweater that tells a humorous story: the sloths are so slow that, in mid-January, when the world has transitioned from holiday cheer to winter drear, they’ve finally gotten around to decorating the tree. The sweater also lights up: blindingly bright, colorful lights adorn the Christmas tree. What could be better?

Lauren Quintela, PC ’21, YH Staff

8

THE YALE HERALD

Best Yale Dining meal Far and away, the best meal that Yale Dining makes is the Chicken and White Bean Chili. For me, its perfection begins with the fact that I have no idea what it is supposed to taste like, so I can’t possibly be disappointed by it not meeting my expectations, because my only expectations are that it contains chicken and white beans. The bacon is just a nice plus, whereas if this were normal chili, I would be utterly flabbergasted by the unprecedented addition of smoked porcine product. What’s more, if you toss it on top of some rice, you’ve got some bona fide comfort food. Next, it’s warm, therefore comforting me as my soul grows ever chillier from the relentless passing of time pushing me ever closer to my inevitable death. An additional plus: if it’s not actually all that warm, which has been known to happen with Yale Dining food every so often, it isn’t totally disgusting, just slightly less appetizing. And since it was so appealing to begin with, even when tepid it stands head and shoulders over many other less-beloved Yale Dining dishes (I’m looking at you, cape shark).

Best hat My Association of Yale Alumni (AYA) limited edition bucket hat. I know someone who once shoplifted a bucket hat from Target. Not me. I found mine in a file cabinet at the Rose Alumni House. My boss Jessica said I could keep anything I found in the cabinet that wasn’t files. I think she meant the tea bags and paper clips, but imagine my surprise when I opened the bottom drawer and sitting there, like a white and blue embroidered jewel, was a bucket hat with the tags still on.

It seemed too good to be true. I asked Jessica if I could keep the bucket hat, but she just seemed confused about why someone would file a hat. I tried to explain that the drawer contained two other normal hats, demonstrating that it was the hat drawer, but she didn’t care. Success! The hat was mine. I put it on. I had never been more beautiful.

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Clara de Pablo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best worst hat My Association of Yale Alumni (AYA) limited edition bucket hat with a Smirnoff Ice hidden underneath. “ICED, BITCH!” my friends whoop as I lift the brim of the hat. I take a knee. I have been iced.

Clara de Pablo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Madeleine Hutchins, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best real-life villain name Sepp Blatter, the magnificently corrupt former president of FIFA, who is also 5’3”.

Marc Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best baby name Before I tell you what it is, know that I’ll fucking slit your throat if you steal this from me. Okay, now that that’s out of the way, the best baby name is Bing.

It works with everything. Bing Smith. Bing Jones. Bing Rosenblum. Bing Blagojevich. Bing Obama. Bing Drenttel. Take your Bing baby to Junzi and buy them a Bing. Bing baby Bing. Bang bang.

Best race Races are a peculiar thing to rank. Humans naturally feel the urge to choose the ultimate race, whether for a group experience or personal fulfillment. This can prove tricky with the number of races out there. My stepmother loves races. She favors full marathons, while my father, someone less experienced with the art of selecting races, prefers the half marathon. I contest that a 5K is the best race for beginners, as it is more challenging than the simple one-mile run that rarely awards medals. After a runner has tackled the 5K, the logical line of progression is 10K, then half marathon, then marathon—a process that can take years. However, once you run a 5K, the momentum can take you further than you think, proving that, yes, races can be ranked, and the 5K is the best.

Dustin Dunaway, JE ’21, YH Staff

Fiona Drenttel, BF ’20, YH Staff

Best campus walkway If you can walk through the hidden entrance from High Street— that doorway tucked away between JE and Skull & Bones—into the YUAG sculpture garden without being completely enchanted, there’s something wrong with you. The way it’s hidden from the sidewalk with no signs or engravings to mark it makes you feel like you’re discovering something secret. The curvature of the staircase that hides your destination from you until you’re there makes you feel like you’re perusing an alleyway in Medieval Europe. The faces engraved into corners are reminiscent of some catacombs under Rome and make you feel like an archaeologist. The way the light peeks through the trees and casts shadows on Weir Hall (objectively the most beautiful building on campus that no one will ever see) is absolutely breathtaking. And finally, when you make it up the stairs and find yourself in the sculpture garden right next to Taft library, you think, Wow, I’ve been wasting so much time going the long way around. If the experience doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re somewhere between Middle Earth and Westeros, you might be a robot with no imagination. But that’s just me.

Eric Krebs, JE ’21, YH Staff

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Best time to get into film photography There comes a time where one needs to pick a new hobby. For some people it’s a sport, for others it’s an instrument, and then there are people who have a small identity crisis and would much rather find the beauty in life through still black-and-white images. Thus comes film photography. I had my own angsty-teen phase back in my early high school days and guess what?

The melancholy-angst is back for round two. The natural progression into becoming a quasi-film photographer is quite simple: travel to Paris over the summer, shoot over four hundred pictures with your iPhone with HDR turned on, return to campus to contemplate buying a DSLR, complain about the price of said DSLR camera, then buy an analog camera out of frustration, and find solace in the fact that everyone will know how alty you are (forget the fact that you really don’t know how aperture, shutter speed, and lighting work together).

Gabe Rojas, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best Ryan Gosling Luke from The Place Beyond the Pines.

Bleached hair, body and face tattoos, bank robberies. It’s pretty hawt. Oh and this Ryan Gosling can totally beat La La Land Ryan Gosling to a bloody pulp.

Best holiday-themed episode of a TV show Listen, I know I can never stop talking about Brooklyn Nine-Nine to anyone at any time, but hear me out. Every season of B99 contains an episode dedicated to Halloween, the squad’s collective favorite holiday because of The Heist™. Every Halloween episode ups the ante from the previous season. Halloween I involves Jake trying to steal a watch from Captain Holt, Hawlloween II involves a competitive Heist between the two, Halloween III starts involving other members of the squad, Halloween IV divides the squad up into teams with betrayals on each side, and all that history leads us to HalloVeen. What antics could everyone get up to this year? The answer: Jake proposes to Amy in spectacularly fitting fashion at the culmination of this year’s Heist. Besides being slightly outof-left-field (a key element of every Halloween episode), the proposal achieves the kind of emotional resonance we’re all looking for in this mad world. Long live Jake and Amy. Long live Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Emma Keyes, PC ’19, YH Staff

Gabe Rojas, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best worst Ryan Gosling Ever since he stepped out of the final game in Remember the Titans, I’ve gotten used to being attracted to Ryan Gosling in movies. Anyone who hasn’t wanted to be kissed in the rain by Noah Calhoun or do the Dirty Dancing lift with Jacob Palmer is lying. One look at his charming, crooked smile and I start imagining our future together.

That’s why I was so disturbed by his performance as Lars in Lars and the Real Girl. Not once during that film did I want to sail away into his baby blue eyes. I don’t know what it was. The creepy, thick moustache that made his close-mouthed grin look too jolly? His deep side-part and limp bangs? The brown plaid shirts and pine tree sweaters? Maybe it was the mail-order sex doll he carried around and pretended was his girlfriend.

It made me uncomfortable seeing Ryan Gosling as a character other than a dashing romantic lead. I think I speak for all of us when I say he should stop seeking out serious cinematic roles and instead focus on his jazz piano.

Clara de Pablo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best number 37 is a number that truly has a little bit of something for everyone. Want to impress your stern but loving math PhD father? 37 is the 12th prime, while its inverse, 73, is the 21st. Want to show your psych professor you understand human nature? If you ask a large group of people to think of a random number between 1 and 100, a striking plurality will pick 37. Like movies? In Clerks, Dante’s girlfriend “sucked 37 dicks.” Like Dilbert? Scott Adams has described himself as 37 percent Dilbert.

Like religious numerology? 37 numbers appear in the 4 gospels, and 666/(6+6+6) = 37. Like mid‘naughts pop punk? Listen to 37 Everywhere, named after the band Punchline’s obsession with 37’s preeminence. Listing all the factoids about 37, however, is a futile task. There are websites devoted to collecting them, but even this is just the tip of an iceberg that extends 37,000 feet to the bottom of the ocean. The most important 37 factoid? If you look for 37, it will find you.

Stefan Colton, BK ’19

Best worst way to get someone’s number Sit down directly across from them at a long table in the JE dining hall at 12:40 p.m. on a Monday. Look them in the eyes and announce, “Hi, my name is XXX – I would shake your hand but I’m weird about germs.” Proceed to talk for five minutes about the completely uninteresting work you do at a bio lab. Make sure you choose to do this to someone who’s clearly blowing their nose and coughing, and actively not responding to you. End by saying, “Can I get your number? That’s not weird, right?” Do they still seem hesitant? Seal the deal with a perfunctory, “See you later! Google me!”

Akielly Hu, BK ’19

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Best way to break up with your girlfriend who lives in Pauli Murray Hey, babe. I didn’t know how else to do this, writing for The Yale Herald is my outlet, you know? So, I guess writing and publishing our break-up makes sense. Don’t worry, I doubt anyone will read this once they see my name attached; I’ve garnered quite a few “haters” due to my inability to navigate simple social situations and my incessant yearning for verbal affirmation. I know you’ll read this, though, because you cut out all my articles and tape them in a scrapbook. You’re cute. But in spite of how great you are to me, I must admit, things aren’t really working out. It isn’t you, it’s me. Actually, it’s the twenty minute walk from Old Campus to Pauli Murray. I thought I could handle a long distance relationship, but I cannot. After $35 in Uber fares for the month of October, and then $25 in November once I switched to Lyft, I know I cannot afford this love.

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The worst way to end a Saturday night

You stumble through your common room, twice checking all four pockets for your room key until you find it in the first one you checked. Opening your door, a blast of icy air chills your Dubra-warmed face. The cool, refreshing aroma of the New Haven green—nature’s air freshener—has done its job covering up the stench of laundry that occupied the floor on which you stood a mere three hours ago. You languidly fall into bed, and it’s perfectly made—in fact, the place is spotless. Sheets are washed, clothes are folded, papers are shoved neatly under your desk.

The only blemish now is on your ego, knowing that you cleaned with the serious belief that you might not come home alone this evening. Oh well, at least your room’s clean.

Eric Krebs, JE ’21, YH Staff

Dustin Dunaway, JE ’21, YH Staff

Best movie Love Actually is the best movie of this year, and of every single year since it was released in 2003. It has everything that you could want in a movie—Christmas, cross-cultural romance, a child singing “All I Want for Christmas is You,” and Colin Firth in a variety of turtlenecks. It will make you laugh, like when Hugh Grant dances through 10 Downing Street. It will make you cry, like when Alan Rickman cheats on Emma Thompson. It will remind you of the fact that, for those of us who came of age after 9/11, the person you love will never desperately chase you through the airport.

But what makes Love Actually the crown jewel of this century’s cinematic canon is that it perfectly conveys what it’s like when a crush makes you act like you’re clinically insane. People always say the film is unrealistic, but is it? Love Actually is the alternate reality where everyone has the guts to carry out the grand romantic gestures we all think about constantly whenever we have a big crush. It’s an exploration of what could happen if we weren’t all so afraid of rejection and just told people how we feel. This might not make for an emotionally sustainable love life, but it’s the perfect storm for a movie.

Makayla Haussler, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best plotline of Love Actually Love Actually is obviously an excellent movie. This is a wellknown fact. What’s not as well-known is that of the movie’s many interwoven plotlines, the best ones are actually completely platonic. While Liam Neeson’s endearing relationship with his son comes in a close second, what really takes the cake in this classic Christmas smooch fest is the few and far between—but very charming—non-romantic male-female relationships. The pairings of Liam Neeson / Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman / Laura Linney both display incredibly supportive, truly platonic heterosexual friendships—a rare occurrence in Hollywood movies. Despite all the other aspects of the film that haven’t aged well (can someone say constant fat jokes?), this one small thing has brought me joy on my annual re-watch. Come for Colin Firth and Hugh Grant, but stay for the friendship!

Carly Gove, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best worst plotline of Love Actually SPOILER ALERT: if you haven’t seen Love Actually by this point, go watch it. Naming just one plotline worst is challenging, because most, if not all of them, are the worst in one way or another. But the worst in terms of wow-I’m-so-sad-I-thought-Iwas-watching-an-uplifting-Christmas-movie-but-thanks-for-thetears worst is definitely Harry (Alan Rickman) and Karen (Emma Thompson). One doesn’t want to speak ill of the dead, but Alan Rickman’s character is a scumbag in this movie. He has the most wonderful wife who is fabulous and also a terrific mother to their two children. Remember that time when she found out the gold necklace, which she thought he had finally gotten his shit together as a spouse enough to get her a decent gift and not a scarf, wasn’t for her and was distraught but still got the lobsters to the Nativity pageant, Harry? I remember. Worst of all, there’s no chance of a happy ending; if they stay together, her life will always be a little bit worse, and splitting up would break up their family and emotionally compromise them all. Tragically, they stay together (I firmly believe I would feel better if she left him and I knew there were some hope of a better partner in her future— maybe Liam Neeson?), and the most crushing single frame of the movie is the final shot of Karen, after Harry has met them at the gate in Heathrow, when she turns for them to leave and the look on her face is one of utter defeat and resignation. Emma Thompson deserved better.

Madeleine Hutchins, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best Apple product for one’s life Over the last couple of weeks, my overall happiness, self-esteem, and feeling of belonging in this age of electronics has greatly increased due to one piece of technology—Apple AirPods. You know that commercial where the young woman pops in some wireless Apple earbuds and her whole environment changes like she’s on some kind of incredible acid trip? THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS! As I’ve learned, somehow the simple cutting of a physical cord also detaches your immaterial soul from the rest of reality in the best of ways (if you haven’t taken Death with Shelly Kagan and still believe in an immaterial soul). There’s just something about the way I can reach up and scratch my shoulder; enjoy a spoonful of soup; or karate-chop a goat without having the beautiful sounds cruelly ripped from my ears that makes using AirPods such a magical experience. Okay, I don’t karate-chop goats, or other animals for that matter; but the point is that I could and arguably should, because there’s just so much freedom of movement when you let Tim Cook into your earholes.

Now, before you think I went and dropped a cool $150 for these babies, I didn’t—my brother did. Somehow he doesn’t think AirPods are all that great, and right now I’m really conflicted as to whether I should disown him for being certifiably nuts, or simply be grateful that in jettisoning them he provided me with, not just the best Apple product to date, but PERHAPS THE GREATEST INVENTION OF MODERN TIMES. So if a hopelessly backwards sibling, disillusioned Apple Genius, or Tim Cook himself offers you a pair of these otherworldly devices, take them immediately—They’ll change your life!

Nic Harris, BR '18, YH Staff

Best mushroom If you’ve never had a chanterelle you don’t know what you’re missing. They are the loveliest, friendliest, and most elegant mushrooms of the bunch. I mean, come on, they’re called chanterelles for fuck’s sake. Sauté these bad boys in a few cubes of butter and pile them on a warm piece of toast. Fricassé them until they’re dark and tender, then season with rock salt.

Marinéte them in some olive oil and vinegar. Then say “enchanté” to your new friends and dig in.

Eve Sneider, MC '19, YH Staff

Best kid’s drawing Look, you’re gonna say I’m biased because it’s my little brother’s drawing. But hear me out. His concept was this: a classic green-grass, blue-sky landscape. A man pointing a laser gun at a chicken. The chicken, is shooting a lightning bolt out of its butt, which is facing his assailant.

The guy’s fucking dead. And coming from the chicken’s mouth are the words “Bawkting Bolt.”

Like let’s not pretend that all kids’ drawings are created equal when my brother drew a norse god chicken, with its own catchphrase, killing mankind with its butt. Thank you.

Nicole Mo, BK '19, YH Staff

Best responsible pet ownership practice Guys. C’mon. It’s the year of our lord 2017, and it’s about damn time we started, say it with me now, SOCIALIZING OUR FISH. I only recently took on the role of fish parent when my friend and roommate came home wasted from a Vince Staples Big Fish Theory release party with a Betta fish in a cup. She claimed she was rescuing him from a horrible life as a display fish at fish-themed rap album release parties, but, like most other parents, her one drunken impulse had roped us into a life of caretaking. Luckily, Felix was amazing—smart and sweet, with an insatiable curiosity about the tank around him.

We could have left him to just wallow in his tank and swim through his plant, but he was bored, listless. He was much happier learning French or laughing while we made faces with him, and he always wagged his fins when we came home from work. People think fish are stupid, but my fish was trilingual. Don’t worry about my use of the past tense here; Felix is safe with a dear friend/his godfather back in California. It’s not enough to feed your fish, clean his tank, and put him by a window. If you’re not exercising your Betta, teaching him a language, and showering him with love, you’re not a pet parent. You’re a DISASTER. Emma Chanen, BK '19, YH Staff

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THE YALE HERALD

Best worst way to take notes on your computer If it doesn’t stress you out enough to have to attend class and potentially retain the information, get extreme and take all of your notes for the entire semester on a single word document that isn’t backed up anywhere. Use the notebook format and choose the ugliest background (it’s the granite). Name the doc “shopping period notes” because that’s what it started out as and you were always going to make separate documents for all your classes but you just never got to it and the more you wrote on this one doc the more work it would have been to transfer notes over and you were just doing your best to get by. You’ll feel, constantly, a little terrified that the next move you make will erase the entire semester, but you’ll also always feel, constantly, too immobile to do anything about it. Welcome to the digital world.

Nicole Mo, BK '19, YH Staff

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Best worst children’s series Harry Potter.

The end of The Sorcerer’s Stone has Voldemort’s face emerging from the back of a man’s head; Moaning Myrtle is a murdered 12-year-old; The Goblet of Fire has a cult scene with the Death Eaters featuring self-mutilation. Reading them for the first time at age 18 (granted, with a low tolerance for creepiness) I was deeply disturbed. WHO WRITES THIS FOR KIDS??

Second of all, the series is badly written. But unimaginative sentence structure, childish vocabulary, and an excess of descriptive clichés are the least of my worries when the randomness of the universe demolishes critical thinking skills. J. R. R. Tolkien said, "[Children's] books, like their clothes, should allow for growth, and their books at any rate should encourage it." Harry Potter does neither.

The books also present bad role models for children. Harry himself remains what I like to call “a lil bitch” throughout the entirety of the series, unchecked in his unwaveringly selfish and toxic attitude, especially with his best friends.

Ultimately, these books are about ends justifying means and the worst kind of wish-fulfillment. They present disturbing and false images of reality to children without the benefit of reading development. Aristotle said that "when storytelling goes bad, the result is decadence.” Clearly, he foresaw Harry Potter.

Raquel Sequeira, TD ’21

Best Way to read The Herald The best way to read the Herald is one word at a time!

Everest Fang, ES ’20

Best time and reason to bleach your hair A month after you buy your film camera or the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, before you see your extended family for the first time in nearly over a year. This time works well in a few different ways. First, you’ll be the center of attention at the dinner table—though your mom might question your life’s trajectory. Second, the whole “new year, new me” cliché has been beaten to death every single New Year’s Day. This also holds true for the “new semester, new me” lie that we tell ourselves in January. Just like Black Friday shopping, this cliché should creep closer and closer to Thanksgiving day. Third, FROSTED TIPS BY CHRISTMAS: the best holiday gift you can give yourself.

Oh and lastly this will, without a doubt, solidify the fukboi-softboi aesthetic that you’ve been cultivating since your first year of college. Safety note: the goal is to appear like a fukboi-softboi, not become one. No one actually likes a fukboi. As long as you look like one from a one city block radius then you’re golden...like your looming frosted tips!

Gabe Rojas, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best Heathers zinger

Best blockchain

“Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” No question. Went over fantastically when I introduced my father to this cult classic last Thanksgiving.

Blockchains have been big this year. Ever heard of Bitcoin? Yeah, that’s on a blockchain. Ethereum?

Blockchain. Cryptokitties? Blockchain blockchain blockchain. As the popularity and market capitalization of cryptocurrencies have exploded, everyone from Peter Thiel to Ghostface Killah is arguing about their value proposition.

Those debates often come down to doubts about the currencies but excitement about the blockchain technology behind them. I promise blockchains are very cool and interesting, and you should learn about them—they involve a little bit of math and a lot of mystery!!! But, once and for all, I will settle the debate about the best blockchain: When I dressed up as a blockchain for Halloween.

That was the best.

Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best canceled app So you know where I’m going with this, but on Wednesday the creator of Vine dropped a cryptic hint suggesting that Vine may in fact be coming back in 2018. Obviously I told everyone I knew and had a good happy cry, but now I’m worried that it may not be coming back after all. The beautiful thing about Vine is I don’t even need to be watching Vines to laugh at Vines. I can literally just think to myself “Watch ya profanity…” and I’m in stitches.

I go to the grocery store and weep into the “Fre Shavoc A Dos.” I yell “This bitch empty, YEET!” everytime I chuck a can into the recycling bin. Though Vine may not be coming back, it lives on through us—the devoted, the true. Rest in peace, Vine, but only until you’re ready to be resurrected.

Claire Goldsmith, JE ’18, YH Staff

Emma Chanen, BK ’19, YH Staff

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Best made-up word Alright let’s get this over with because I am NOT happy. This year’s winner, submitted by longtime fan Phil Dilmer, is chunch. Chunch. C-H-U-N-C-H. Congratulations are in order for Phil, bless his anemic little heart, but let me just get this out here: Phil’s entry was the ONLY one that had any semblance of quality to it, and you motherfuckers better step up your silly word game.

I mean chunch isn’t even that good, but just take a look at some the drivel I had to sift through. Karen Slairn, who probably should have just submitted her festering canker sore of a last name, sent “Berrocoli,” which is just Broccoli with an extra syllable, and frankly, is way less silly than the original. Not to mention, Karen, you’re clearly just riding on the success of last year’s winner “Utterbut Squamp.” DISTORTING VEGETABLE NAMES IS ONLY GOOD ONCE KAREN, DON’T WASTE MY TIME. Then we have Larry Stunkmeiner, who submitted “Luftmensch,” which is not even a made up word! Don’t you speak Yiddish, Larry, you uncultured piece of shit? No? For god’s sake it’s the language of comedy, the Jews have been popping out hilarious words for over 3,000 years. Study up, you goy. If you clowns don’t step up your game, then I’m through as commissioner of the Made-Up Word League, and I will be forced to start paying attention to my real job. And if that happens, I can promise you the American-Canadian border is about to get WAY more secure. You’ve been warned.

Best paste There are a lot of pastes out there. Curry paste, shrimp paste, toothpaste, red bean paste… but the best paste of all is quince paste. It’s ruby red and tastes like liquid gold. I added it to a cheese platter once and the crowd went absolutely wild.

Fiona Drenttel, BF ’20, YH Staff

Best place to study at 3 p.m. on a weekday

Best genre of wrestling

You may know that Kroon Hall has an honor-system cafe where you can purchase cheap coffee, tea, and snacks—but I bet you didn’t realize that every weekday at 3 p.m., one beneficent soul calls out, “Free pastries!”

Stressed out graduate students exchange excited glances while they try to reach the snack table as casually and quickly as possible. Everyone descends to snag a giant cookie, muffin, or croissant. Make sure to station yourself as close to the pastry table as possible to get first pick. Congratulate yourself because not only are you basking in the late-afternoon filtered sunlight and wood-paneled beauty of Kroon Hall, but you also get to enjoy a delicious dessert that’s big enough to substitute for an entire meal.

Mud. Close second is Sumo.

Akielly Hu, BK ’19

Noah Ritz, BR ’19

Bix Archer, BK ’19. YH Staff

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Best restaurant Rubamba has always been and will always be the best restaurant. Their chancho arepa is recognized as one of the most impressive achievements in human history. The Rubamba staff features some of the best people in the world. Ernesto, the owner, is truly a gem. Get out to Rubamba as soon as you can!

And keep in mind that best day to go to Rubamba is Friday.

Everest Fang, ES ’20

Best worst movie to come out of sobbing It might not have gotten the same praise as its predecessor, but I think we can all agree that Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was still fun. Like a Black Eyed Peas song or Twizzlers—kind of a bop, but nothing that cuts deep. Definitely nothing that would make anybody sob so hard that she has to walk out of the theater using her jacket as a tissue. Unless you’re the worst, like me. I cry at everything. And sometimes I can justify my chronic crying because, you know, emotions are real and it’s good to feel them and all that. I just wish that I didn’t let out an audible wail in a crowded theater at arguably the stupidest line in the movie: “He might have been your father.

But he was never your daddy.” Like, what?

Nicole Mo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best actor name Timòthéé Châlåmét Marc Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best way to cut hair Shaving your head with loud electric clippers while standing naked in the only shower stall of your Pierson college bathroom because it’s the only hairstyle that works for your head shape.

Jack Kyono, PC ’20, YH Staff

Best resolution 1920 x 1200 Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best response to the Trolley Problem Anyone who’s taken any sort of class on morality has likely encountered the now infamous Trolley Problem. An incredible number of variations on the Trolley Problem exist, but we’re going to focus on the OG problem as presented by Philippa Foot in 1967: you are by the tracks and a trolley is headed for five people who are tied to those tracks, but there is a lever you could pull that would divert the trolley to another track where only one person is tied down, thereby sacrificing the one person to save the five. While I understand that there is a moral problem present, and that whatever we decide is the morally correct answer to said problem has widespread implications not only for daily life but also policy and ethical programing of automated vehicles, it seems like there is a more pressing issue at hand: Who is tying people down to the tracks in this town? Frankly it seems like addressing this is more urgent than trying to figure out who we are allowed to kill. In fact, if we could figure out what sort of Wild West wannabe is going around roping people, there wouldn’t even be a Trolley Problem, because there wouldn’t be people lined up on the tracks waiting to be squelched out of existence.

Who’s ethical now, Philippa?!

Madeleine Hutchins, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best way to wear a shirt The best way to wear a shirt is to roll it up and then tie a little knot so that it stays secured around your chest. Now you can finally air out your belly and lower back. It’s important to keep these areas cool so that you can stay comfortable and ready for action. Good luck out there!

Everest Fang, ES ’20

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Best worst band name In 1994, in sunny Ocean Beach, California, the world changed. In that fateful year, the worst possible band name came into the world, and since then, the musical landscape has never been the same. Really, who were we before the poor man’s Sublime released their debut album in 1996? Mere innocents who still held out faith in human beings’ ability to give their musical groups names that aren’t almost offensively idiotic. Alas.

I’m talking, of course, about SoCal’s very own Slightly Stoopid, the self-described reggae-punk-bluesfunk-folk-rock fusion band that stole every high school stoner’s heart. Unlike the similar sounding but better named bands Iration, Rebelution, Dirty Heads, and One Drop, Slightly Stoopid has the vaguely appropriative reggae sound PLUS a name practically designed to send any thinking person into an apoplectic rage. From their first self-titled album (stylized Slightly $toopid) to their most recent (infuriatingly titled Meanwhile…Back at the Lab) this terrible band has been haunting not only my life, but the music industry as a whole, and they deserve to be called out for their name-based crimes.

Carly Gove, BR ’19,

YH Staff

Best MFA BS crit term Painterly Gestural Trace* *Source: Yale Art School student who has chosen to remain anonymous.

Rob Newhouse, GH ’19, YH Staff

Best coming-ofage film Here’s the thing about coming-of-age films: they’re hit or miss. Besides generally relying on repetitive tropes and plotlines, the underlying themes (if they even attempt any) often to fall flat.

Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird, however, is an entirely different story. Starring Saoirse Ronan, the remarkable film traces a young woman’s journey through her final year of high school. It’s a lot more than a mere high school teen-tale, though. As the lead character goes through a series of quintessential adolescent experiences—from first-times to family troubles—we see her ultimately reach the pinnacle of self-discovery as she realizes where she belongs.

Greta Gerwig’s directorial debut, the film contains many thematic components influenced

by Greta’s own young adulthood: the desire to attend university on the East Coast, an interest in theatre and the arts, an obstinate yet colorful personality. All these traits resonate deeply with Gerwig, but it’s this firsthand account that rings true within the audience.

The subplot following the relationship between Lady Bird and her mother is pivotal to the storyline; both stubborn and determined, the two women share a complex bond only mothers and daughters share. We see Lady Bird develop not only in relation to herself, but in relation to her mother—a key figure in her life.

You’ll go through a lot of emotions watching Lady Bird. The movie is uniquely applicable to all audiences—not just teenagers, not just girls.

It’s the kind of film that will make you feel, and it will definitely leave you aching for more.

Tricia Viveros, BF ’21, YH Staff

16 THE YALE HERALD p b o d iC a P rla g e N u m b e r THE YALE HERALD

Best salt It’s garlic salt. I would put garlic salt on everything I eat. I would use garlic salt to melt the snow on the sidewalks. I would use garlic salt to ward off demons and to baptize my first child.

Nicole Mo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best coming The second coming of Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Runners-up include Cum Laude and “Coming Soon to a Theater Near You.” Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best Disney movie soundtrack You will often find me walking dramatically around campus in the dark, cold night with a look of determination in my eyes. I’m most definitely either listening to “Reflection” or “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from the Mulan soundtrack. Mulan was one of the first Disney princess movies I watched that considered the topics of gender roles and feminism, and I adored the character of Mulan from a young age (although I never liked her love interest, Shang, very much as I thought he had a much too square-shaped face, and was never good enough for Mulan). Anyway, give the soundtrack a listen when you’re feeling dramatic or bored or somewhere in between—it’s sure to imbue your walk up Science Hill or to Durfee’s with a certain childhood vivacity.

Meghana Mysore, DC ’20, YH Staff

Best way to sell your soul On Free and For Sale for $25 OBO. Gabe Rojas, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best on-campus cemetery Grove Street Cemetery Noah Goodman, BF ’20

Best time to wear a striped sweater Contrary to what your childhood guru Spongebob said, the best time to wear a striped sweater is not, in fact, all the time. It is neither the case that you should wear a striped sweater all the time, nor that every occasion is the right one to do so. My apologies if this revelation causes you to look back in horror at previous fashion choices, or, more importantly, to question the general truthfulness of our absorbent and porous friend. But I feel this is something we all need to understand.

You see, there are all kinds of sweaters – some with stripes, some without. I like to wear a blue sweater with argyle on only one side, which my friend Bryan gives me a hard time about, but that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that other sweaters are good too, and the way to get the most out of your trusty striped sweater is not to overuse it. As William Cowper (not, I’ve learned, the namesake of the Cowper’s Gland) once wrote, “Variety is the spice of life.” Why not spice things up with a nice solid-colored sweater now and then?

There is, however, a sweater that can be worn at any and all times, if weather-appropriate. That is a sweater with moose on it—and by “moose,” I do mean one or more. Unless you’re from somewhere really woodsy, who doesn’t get excited at the sight of a creature so strange and majestic, even if it’s only printed across a stranger’s beer gut? The answer is no one, because people who live where it’s really woodsy don’t count.

In conclusion, the best time to wear a moose sweater (and not a striped sweater) is all the time.

Nic Harris, BR ’18, YH Staff

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Best cultural representation in a Pixar movie

When I first heard that Pixar’s execs had tried to trademark the phrase Dia de Los Muertos as the title of their intended movie about Mexican culture, I was offended but barely surprised. Though I am Colombian and not Mexican, being Latinx in the US means being no stranger to how popular media and those in charge of it are often ignorant and disrespectful to our cultures.

To my surprise, and to the joy of countless Latinxs in the US and Mexico, this time they weren’t.

Coco, named after the protagonist’s great-grandmother, is a thoughtfully and lovingly crafted work of art that came to be after Pixar learned from its initial mistakes in a commendable way. The years of cultural research and consultations with Mexican artists undertaken by the production team are evident throughout the whole film. Everything from the movie’s aesthetics, like the beautiful papel picado introduction, to its characters, like the chancla-throwing grandmother, to its plot, a journey through the magnificently-rendered Land of the Dead and back, reflect a cultural consciousness and sensitivity that was uniquely refreshing to witness as a Latino in today’s political moment.

There is even a parallel in the film’s depiction of family members separated by death longing to see one another to the reality of so many Latinx families separated by borders and physical distance, which resonated deeply with me as an immigrant. It’s impossible to overstate the significance of positive representation like Coco’s to our communities. It is this quality that makes the film feel like a gift that is both long overdue, and yet could not be more timely.

Juan Valencia, BR ’19

Best Roman emperor Septimus Severus was Emperor of Rome from 193 to 211. He consolidated Roman rule over the western provinces and waged a successful war in the east against the Parthian Empire, sacking their capital Ctesiphon in 197 and expanding the eastern frontier to the Tigris. In 202, he campaigned in Africa and Mauretania against the Garamantes. The Roman Empire reached its greatest extent under his reign, encompassing an area of 2 million square miles. With the succession of his sons, Septimus Severus also founded the Severan dynasty.

Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

Best name for a teeny tiny pug Septimus Severus Eve Sneider, MC ’19, YH Staff

17 p b o d iC a P rla g e N u m b e r

Best content to flood your newsfeed

If you know me, you probably already know the answer; I complain about them all the time, but it’s like the way you complain about your boyfriend being “so clingy” because he asks you how your day was.

The best content to be taking up 75-90 percent of your newsfeed (because as we all know, the internet actually tracks the desires of your Freudian subconscious) is Redbull extreme sports videos.

These thrill rides are so much more attention-grabbing than cute cat vids, more educational than NowThis Politics, and more soul-comforting than the dumb video-memes your friends tag you in. Sit back and enjoy the ride as you bike down cliffs on six-inch-wide paths; surf 50-foot waves; change all four wheels and fill up the tank of a Formula One racecar in six seconds flat; or ski down a terrifying mountain and then straight through a news van at top speed. High-def first-person camera technology has changed the procrastination game, guys. Get your head in the game.

Margaret (Migs) Grabar Sage, ES ’19. YH Staff

Best worst content to flood your newsfeed “I’m humbled to announce…”

Margaret (Migs) Grabar Sage, ES ’19, YH Staff

Best foot-related ritual If you’ve never encountered the words, “ShiKai Borage Therapy Foot Cream,” you’re clearly not on my level. After coming home from a long, hard day of humanities seminars, all I want is a hot shower and a foot rub with lotion that’s aggressively “fragrance-free.” Literally the only reason why you should be trying to cuff someone right now is to coerce them into rubbing THE SHIT out of your heel bed. And when someone else is rubbing my feet, I always know what I want. I want that deep tissue shit. I want that no-pain-no-gain shit. And guess what: you should too!

Emily Ge, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best worst way to shake a hand

Bend your middle finger and gently caress the center of their palm. *Source: my actual life. He was a Spanish soccer player. Enough said.

Emily Ge, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best keychain attachment A USB drive with the code to the U.S. nuclear arsenal.

Marc Shkurovich, BK ’19, YH Staff

18 THE YALE HERALD

Best way to sneeze

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Best way to break a toe

Whatever Anne is teaching this semester.

Okay, I’m exaggerating, I didn’t break it. But if I had or if I ever do it would be worth it. In its purest form, pickup soccer in the TD courtyard is played barefoot. Coming in as a first-year this fall, I had to learn quickly to avoid the drains at the edge of the grass, block a shot from a foot or two away with any and every part of my body, and nimbly jump aside at the last second of a tackle to avoid having my feet trampled. Except the last one I didn’t care about so much. I’m a five-foot-one first-year girl, but I shove hard. I care more about getting the ball than protecting my toes.

Even better, the upperclassmen guys I play with shove me back. These games are played with complete, unself-conscious intensity—something that made me feel like I was in the place where I belonged more than anything else during my transition to college, Yale, and TD. And I think playing barefoot is a part of that. Without shoes, we slip embarrassingly in the mud and crush each other’s toes and don’t give it a second thought because we’re playing “the beautiful game” with everything we’ve got. My left big toe will never be the same after my first fall semester in TD, and to me that’s a point of pride—my membership badge in the scrappiest, most joyous game of pickup soccer you’ll ever see.

Disgruntled applicant

Raquel Sequeira, TD ’21

Violently, passionately, thunderously. Do not trust people with delicate sneezes.

Meghana Mysore, DC ’20, YH Staff

Best writing seminar

Beststudent studentdeal dealat atYale Yale Best

I have many regrets about the five (!) semesters that I have now completed at Yale University.

I have many regrets about the five (!) semesters that I have now completed at Yale Taking differential equations. Knocking over the coat rack at Freshman Screw.

University. Taking differential equations. Knocking over the coat rack at Freshman Screw.

Neglecting to download the Yale printing driver. But above all, I regret not taking advanNeglecting to download the Yale printing driver. But above all, I regret not taking advantage of the Yale Repertory Theater Student Pass until this year. The Yale Rep is a profestage of the Yale Repertory Theater Student Pass until this year. The Yale Rep is a professional theatre that has been the birthplace of many notable productions. Most recently, sional theatre that has been the birthplace of many notable productions. Most recently, Indecent, a play about a controversial play, was commissioned by the Rep and premiered Indecent, a play about a controversial play, was commissioned by the Rep and premiered at the Rep, before going on to be nominated for Best Play and to win for Best Direction of at the Rep, before going on to be nominated for Best Play and to win for Best Direction of a Play at the Tonys. And, if I had taken advantage of the Yale Rep Student Pass two years a Play at the Tonys. And, if I had taken advantage of the Yale Rep Student Pass two years ago, I could have seen this play for ten dollars. Ten. Dollars. That is cheaper than two ago, I could have seen this play for ten dollars. Ten. Dollars. That is cheaper than two bings and a drink at Junzi, cheaper than a month of Woads, and definitely cheaper than bings and a drink at Junzi, cheaper than a month of Woads, and definitely cheaper than the Rep’s standard ticket price of $90. the Rep’s standard ticket price of $90.

The student passes are a total of $50 and are good for five seats. There are five productions The student passes are a total of $50 and are good for five seats. There are five in a standard season at the Rep, although with the Student Pass, you can productions in a standard season at the Rep, although with the Student Pass, you can choose to use your five seats however you would like: revisit a favorite production more choose to use your five seats however you would like: revisit a favorite production more than once, entice a special someone with a seat right next to you, or save up your seats than once, entice a special someone with a seat right next to you, or save up your seats and bring your whole suite. In October, I was in the fourth row at a weekend night proand bring your whole suite. In October, I was in the fourth row at a weekend night production of An Enemy of the People, close enough that Reg Rogers could have spit on me, duction of An Enemy of the People, close enough that Reg Rogers could have spit on me, and I only paid ten dollars.

This incredibly cheap and convenient discount will only be and I only paid ten dollars. This incredibly cheap and convenient discount will only be available to you for four years, and if you’re not taking advantage of it right now, you’re available to you for four years, and if you’re not taking advantage of it right now, you’re missing out. missing out.

Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff Tracy Chung, PC ’19, YH Staff

Bestcheese cheeseflavored flavoredsnacks snacks Best

Pirate’s Booty Aged White Cheddar, Cheez-its White Cheddar, Dor itos Nacho Pirate’s Booty Aged WhiteCHEETOS Cheddar, Cheez-its White Cheddar, DorCheese, Sun Chips, Puffs Cheese Flavored Snacks, itos Nacho Cheese, Sun Chips, CHEETOS Puffs Cheese Flavored CHEETOS Crunchy Cheese Flavored Snacks, Cheetos FLAMIN’ Snacks, HOT CHEETOS Crunchy Cheese Snacks, FlavoredCheetos Snacks, Cheetos FLAMIN’ HOT Crunchy Cheese Flavored FLAMIN HOT Limón Cheese Crunchy Cheese Flavored Snacks, Cheetos FLAMIN HOT Limón Cheese Flavored Snacks, cheese flavored rice cakes, those massive tubs of small Flavored orange Snacks, cheese flavored rice cakes, those massive tubs of small balls ubiquitous in any and every big-box grocery store. The real orange balls ubiquitous in any and every big-box grocery store. The real test of a cheese flavored snack’s quality is the residue it leaves on your test of a cheese flavored snack’s quality is the residue it leaves on your fingers—the thicker the better. fingers—the thicker the better.

Bix Archer, BK ’19, YH Staff Bix Archer, BK ’19, YH Staff

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Best worst wet foot sensation Wet feet are never particularly enjoyable; they get blisters, they smell, and they probably mean that you were woefully unprepared for your day. By far the worst wet foot-specific sensation is that feeling when your wet feet are slipping around your shoes, squeaking and squelching around in there as you try to salvage whatever is left of your soggy dignity by walking in a coordinated manner, but the sheer saturation of your feet simply won’t allow you even this small mercy. This is a bad situation in close-toed shoes, where every step you take forces rancid foot-water to seep from the seams in your boots or the little holes in the mesh of your sneakers, but in flats or sandals it’s practically apocalyptic. Beyond the ordinary squish and squash of the closed toed shoe, the open toed shoe transports you into a whole new world where with each step you are not only slipping in your shoes but out of them. Maybe you have to use your weirdly lengthy, now-pruney toes to grip onto the shoe, making your foot into this weird claw-like appendage you hope no one looks too closely at. Maybe you give up, take those shoes off, and hope that the streets of New Haven are kind to your tender tootsies. Maybe you vow never to leave your suite in the rain again, or to finally purchase a damn pair of rain boots. Whatever your solution is, please tell me, because I don’t like my options.

Madeleine Hutchins, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best underrated dining hall dessert The Pear and Cardamom Olive Cake is the most underrated Yale Dining dessert. Just like your friend Karen, it might be described as having...a really great personality. Seriously, don’t be turned off by its dumpy exterior! On the inside, it’s just the right amount of sweet with a funky aftertaste (the good kind!). And it’s dependable too. In fact, the dining hall always seems to have a full tray. Seriously, I get my one (or two) slice(s) and then come back an hour later and see that no one else has touched it. So next time you meet this earnest but homely cake in the dessert line, try to ignore its slightly gangrenous pallor and its musty aroma. Ignore the fact that no one quite knows what exactly “cardamom” is. Have a bite, and really take the time to get to know the personality behind Yale Dining’s roughest-looking dessert.

Ian Garcia-Kennedy, JE ’18

Best worst smile in Hollywood Buckle in, because this might be my most controversial opinion yet.

The worst smile in Hollywood belongs to James E. Franco, noted smiler and star of The Disaster Artist, 127 Hours, and Spring Breakers. While Mr. Franco is renowned for his seemingly genuine and charming grin, I’m here to tell you that he’s absolutely full of shit, and has practiced that faux-endearing smirk in the mirror at least a thousand times. James Franco knows his appeal relies on people finding him sweet, quirky, and authentic. His smile is designed to reflect that, but don’t believe it for ONE SECOND. He’s still the dude who hit on underage girls via Instagram, called himself “gay in [his] art and straight in [his] life”, and wrote creepy poetry about the Spring Breakers cast. Don’t be fooled!

Carly Gove, BR ’19, YH Staff

Best way to weed out potential S.O.’s: Take them to eat pho. If you can’t handle tendon, you can’t handle me.

Emily Ge, BK ’19, YH Staff

20 THE YALE HERALD

Best conversation overheard in the Berkeley dining hall I was in line for hot dogs one day when two large people came up behind me, one of them in XL basketball shorts and an oversized Life of Pablo shirt. We’re all standing in silence until basketball shorts man sees what’s being served—”Oh dude, there’s baked beans.” Not taking any shit, the other guy responds, “Dude, you look like baked beans.”

Rather than let this comment get him down, the original speaker says, with glee, “Dude, I wish!”

Nicole Mo, BK ’19, YH Staff

Best book club for scam artists Prose and cons.

Julia Mankoff, DC ’19

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The Black List

22 THE YALE HERALD

1. Tempests

34. The odds that we all get cancer

2. Temptresses

35. Things that are too good to be true

69. Slags (the stony waste matter separated from metals during the smelting or refining of ore)

3. Listicles

36. When it turns out hormonal birth control was too good to be true

70. The decline of metalworking as a vocation

37. When the other shoe drops

71. Snagging your fingernail on a sweater

38. Drop-crotch pants

72. When you lose in round two of HQ

39. Misplaced hyphens

73. Quilted vests

40. Cryptic crossword puzzle clues

74. People who identify as “thespians”

41.Burnt tongues

75. People who put their Myers-Briggs personality in their Tinder bio

4. -icle as a suffix 5. Prefixes 6. The rat in my wall 7. Shitty IM basketball referees 8. Shirkers 9. Ultra violet 10. Highlighters that bleed 11. “Last Christmas” by Wham!

12. Adding an exclamation point to the end of your name

42.Dry lips 43. Dry brush 44. When someone steals your bike seat 45. When someone steals your bike helmet :/

76. LaVar Ball on CNN 77. Lo-fi-arthouse-dream-pop-chamber-rock 78. Beans 79. Professional golf

13. Jeb!

46. The tale of Humpty Dumpty

14. Political dynasties

47. Makeup that isn’t Fenty Beauty

80. The word “healing,” when not in reference to body parts

15. Monasteries

48. Stretched-out hair ties

81. The game “Odds are”

16. Fondant (over frosting??? In WHAT world???)

48. Internal strife

82. Martin Shkreli, still

49. Internet strife

83. Literal corporate-sponsored robots that can un-democratize our internet

17. Targeted ads for egg donation 18. Targeted ads for becoming a nun 19. Time pressure 20. Social pressure 21. Parental pressure 22. Atmospheric pressure 23. Sinus pressure 24. Airplane smell 25. How I’m afraid to build credit because it involves buying on credit and I don’t want to RUIN MY LIFE 26. Allergies 27. Allegories 28. Self-discovery at inconvenient moments 29. How The Disaster Artist isn’t playing at the Criterion 30. How Call Me by Your Name isn’t playing in Connecticut 31. How you can still run for U.S. Senate as long as you deny (verified) allegations of statutory rape 32. How you can still be President of The United States as long as you deny (verified) allegations of sexual assault 33. Gummies that aren’t sour

50. Not supporting Rihanna 51. Agreeing to disagree 52. Professors who insist they don’t need a mic and then talk at a conversational volume

84. Friction coefficients 85. Paying for fidget spinners 86. The fidget spinner industrial complex

53. Praying for things instead of actualizing sensible policy!

87. The possibility that we’re all Frank Sinatra’s children

54. Slow walkers

88. Being in both Finance and Greek Life

55. Low talkers

89. Writing an email to your professor in the foreign language they teach and receiving a response in English

56. Snagging your tights the first time you wear them 57. When people smack their lips between sentences

90. The ’90s 91. Both Gulf Wars

58. Sneaky moms

92. New Haven Notables

59. People who don’t appreciate motherhood

93. The fact that the number 93 has its own Wikipedia page and I don’t

60. Non-earnest moms 61. Ernest as a first name 62. Ernesto as a dog name 63. The importance of being Ernest 64. Fawns 65. Disappearing fauna 66. Broodalism 67. Jokes about numeral bases 68. Scabs

94. Not being 21 in the state of Connecticut 95. The acronym “EVOO” 96. The only-Jesus-can-save-you preacher guy on the corner of Elm and High, dude sucks 97. Splash at Yale 98. Shoes that squelch when it rains 99. “Astro guts” 100. Arbitrary numbers ruling your life

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THE YALE HERALD