The 2017 Freshman Issue

Vol. 146, No. 1

THE YALE

Aug. 29, 2017

RECORD

YALE UNIVERSITY

ANCIENT JDST 127 Sister Religions: Christians in Early Jewish Sources, Michal Bar-Asher Siegal

M 1-2:15p

JDST 232 Capital Punishment Ancient Judaism, Noah Bickart T 1:30-3:20 JDST 400 Biblical Interpretation, Hayes, Christine TTh 11.35-12.50

MEDIEVAL & EARLY MODERN JDST 200 Jewish History and Thought to Early Modern Times, Ivan Marcus TTh 11:35-12:50 JDST 270 Medieval Jews, Muslims, and Christians in Conversation, Ivan Marcus T 9:25-11:15

MODERN JDST 026 Freshman Seminar: Political Theology, Elli Stern W 3:30-5:20 JDST 332 Zionism, Elli Stern MW 10.30-11;20

LITERATURE & LANGUAGE JDST 339, The Politics of Modern Hebrew Literature, Hannan Hever W 3:30 – 5:20 JDST 327 World Literature, Hannan Hever/Kirk Wetter, T 3:30 – 5:20 JDST 415 Reading Yiddish, Josh Price Th 1-2:15p HEBR 110 Elementary Modern Hebrew (L1), Orit Yeret MTWRF 9:25-10:15 HEBR 110 Elementary Modern Hebrew (L1), Dina Roginsky MTWRF 10:30-11:20 HEBR 130 Intermediate Modern Hebrew(L3), Orit Yeret MW 1:00-2:15 HEBR 130 Intermediate Modern Hebrew (L3), Shiri Goren TTh 2:30-3:45 HEBR 159 Conversational Hebrew: Israeli Media (L5), Shiri Goren TTh 11:35-12:50 HEBR 161 Israeli Popular Music (L5), Dina Roginsky TTh 1:00-2:15

Program in Judaic Studies Yale University 451 College St., Rm. 301 New Haven, CT 06511 Tel – (203)432-0843, Fax – (203)432-4889

www.judaicstudies.yale.edu

Please note that information on courses, including meeting days and times, is subject to revision. Students should check the on-line course information for the fullest and most accurate information

“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

join@yalerecord.com

LOCAL JANITOR SUGGESTS SWEEPING SCHOOL REFORM Dear Oedipus, I fucked your mom.

—Oedipus

STUDY FINDS REMOTE IN COUCH Dear Horse, Why the long face?

—A snarky bartender Dear Bartender, Millions of years of favorable genetic selection, resulting, perhaps randomly, in an extended snout.

—What a horse would say if strong vocal cords had been genetically selected in its species

WHOOPS! STUDY FINDS LOTS OF OTHER THINGS IN COUCH

Dear Son, Your theories are freaking me out; we need to talk.

—Amalia Freud Dear Mother, I thought you liked it freaky.

—Sigmund

FAITH IN MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS RESTORED! THE DOCTORS SAID MY LITTLE FIGHTER WOULDN’T MAKE IT THIS FAR, AND THEY WERE TOTALLY RIGHT Dear Doctor, Leeches? What is this, the 1800’s?

—A man in the 1800’s who can’t remember what century he lives in

FRESHMAN ROOMMATES STARTING TO BOND OVER SHARED INTEREST IN SITTING AT THEIR DESKS AND CRYING INTO BOWLS OF LUCKY CHARMS Dear Person, Why the short face?

—A horse bartender

MAN BUYS TINY CAR TO COMPENSATE FOR HIS ENORMOUS PENIS Dear Titanic, Yeah, that scene was sad but what if the people were dogs?

—A man who only has empathy for animals

T he Y ale R ecord

4

MEDICAL MIRACLE: NEW PROGRAM MATCHES KIDNEY DONORS WITH ANYONE WHO NEEDS OR WANTS ONE Dear Space, Back off. You’re too close. I’m feeling trapped in this relationship.

Sincerely, Earth

I. KANT BELIEVES IT’S NOT BUTTER Dear Earth Are you saying you need some... space?

Sincerely, Space

“IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO,” SAYS DANCE INSTRUCTOR WHO ONLY SPEAKS IN CLICHE Hey Baby, What r u up to tonight?

—Dustin

MAN WITH SEATBELT PUTS THE “AUTO-” IN “AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION” Hi Dustin, Goo goo ga ga.

Warmest regards, Baby

“THE LEFT WING HAS GONE TOO FAR,” REPORTS TERRIFIED PILOT Dear Everyone, I can’t believe no one told me that my sleeves had ripped off, and that my strong, tan arms were exposed! I’m so embarrassed that everyone saw my strong, tan arms!

—A man wearing a sleeveless shirt Dear saw dust, We write to inform you that your use of the name “saw dust” constitutes copyright infringement, and that we will take legal action if you do not cease and desist at once. We thank you for your compliance.

—The Society of People Who Once Saw Dustin Hoffman

Dear Jedadiah Morse, Hey, wasn’t it your son who invented Morse code?

Sincerely, The Mailman

MAN’S SHIT SPELLS DISASTER AFTER EATING 8 SCRABBLE TILES Dear Mailman, Yes, what is your point?

Sincerely, Bee bee bop boop bee bop

FOR SALE: Anacondas. Since you might be swallowed whole eventually, why not make it now?

GRADUATING SENIOR IN PROFILE PIC EITHER GIVING OR RECEIVING DIPLOMA Dear Titanic, Sucks to suck!

—Hindenburg, May 5, 1937 Dear Hindenburg, Karma’s a bitch, you hydrogenfilled moron!

—Challenger Space Shuttle, January 27, 1968 Dear Challenger, Oh the irony, you dumbass!

—A man who just ordered spaghetti while on a date

“IT’S TIME FOR CHANGE,” REPORTS CASHIER

—N. Serrambana

T he F reshman I ssue

DESPITE NEED TO REPLACE IT WITH YOUNGER, MORE TECH-SAVVY EMPLOYEES, BOOTY JUST WON’T QUIT Dear kids these days, Quit acting so entitled. You have no idea how easy you have it.

—The current generation, thirty years from now, joining our forefathers in the bitter fear of genuine human progress

STUDENT GOES TO CHAPLAIN’S OFFICE TO FIND GOD, SETTLES FOR ICE CREAM INSTEAD

5

Dear Mom, Why do I have so many freckles?

—Susie Dear Susie, I don’t have freckles. Your dad doesn’t have freckles. Your grandparents and siblings don’t have freckles. Connect the dots.

—Mom

Check out

CHRISTIAN TEEN STRANDED IN DESERT SAVING HERSELF FOR MIRAGE

our website, yalerecord.org, for more great content!

Dear Parishioner, The mass is always greener on the other side.

—A pastor who is disappointed and embarrassed by his church’s carbon footprint

FOR SALE:

Feet. Because sometimes you deserve other people’s feet more than they do.

—The Yale Record, 1908

14

T he Y ale R ecoRd

T he F reshman I ssue

Dear bludgeons, What are you, exactly? I think I’ve literally never seen a bludgeon, not even a picture of one. Do you even exist? Did you ever exist? Am I a bludgeon? Do I exist?

—A philosophy student in a military history class

ISIS JUST TWO TRANSITIVE VERBS IN A TRENCHCOAT Dear America, ​I’m ready for Hillary.

—Bill Clinton wearing only a saxophone

PROFESSOR IMPRESSED YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN HIGH SCHOOL Dear Myron, Can you pass me the applesauce?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, WHAT!?!?

—Myron

“WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?” ASKS PHILOSOPHICAL BABY

7

Dear Myron, I said, CAN YOU PASS THE APPLESAUCE!?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, FOR GOD’S SAKE, ETHEL, YOU DON’T NEED TO SHOUT! —Myron

ROOMMATE PUTS SOCK ON DOOR TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW COOL SOCK IS

Emmy Waldman ‘11

C

ongratulations and welcome, Class of 2021! What you have in your hands is The Yale Record, a magazine that not only invented the term “hot dog” in 1895 but which is also the oldest – and finest – humor publication in the world. My name is Matt, and as Editor in Chief, it is my responsibility to convince you, the skeptical reader, why you should join our old – and fine – organization.

Now, I could tell you that every Monday night, we crack jokes, have good times with friends, and eat literal tons of free pizza, but I’ll bet you’ve already heard that spiel from every other club on campus. I could say that we’re an entire six years older than the Yale Daily News, but that would be less about you and more about the fact that they actually put “The Oldest College Daily” at the top of their newspaper five times a week. So I’ll appeal to your sensibilities in the same way that many of your new peers convinced the admissions board to let them in: with a stirring personal account of highly questionable accuracy.

When I began my Yale adventure three years ago, I realized that my success here would be measured by a different standard. No longer could I cling to mediocre high school achievements like having 10,000 service hours, selling three tech startups to Google, or inventing the rabies vaccine. As everyone knew, it would require something more to truly become “somebody” at Yale. You see, there is one objective Yale standard of success, and that is to be one of those people who walks around campus in a blazer.

In some ways, I suppose, I already was somebody. To my parents, I was somebody because that rationalization was the only way for them to cope with their unfulfilled dreams.

To the government, I was somebody because I was a taxable adult with a social security number. Yet, as I arrived on campus, the $35 navy blue sports coat I had bought from Kohl’s had so far gone unworn, and I knew that I wouldn’t be somebody to my peers until I found a reason to wear it.

And so, I immediately set out to join one of Yale’s historic singing groups. There, I thought, I’d be able to find a reason to put on a blazer other than to simply look like a douche. As a member of an a cappella group, I could sing and be a douche. Yet I had miscalculated. Despite having a voice described as “passable,” my smart attire proved to be my downfall when, in auditions, the snug, perfect tailorship of my jacket caused me to

T he F reshman I ssue

sing off-key and then tell my listeners that they couldn’t recognize talent. The jacket, I am convinced, is to blame for my not being called back.

Forced to cut my losses and move on, I figured that there had to be a way for me to wear my blazer without needing to possess any actual talent. So, naturally, I decided to join one of Yale’s political parties.

At first, I was somewhat disappointed. The Federalists kept on grumbling about how John Adams should have won a second term, and for some reason the Tories kept referring to me as a “Yankee rebel.” I did make some initial headway in the Independent Party’s debates by repeatedly saying “I respectfully disagree,” though this all came crashing down when the Party Chair told me, “We want you to join our dumb politics club. I hope you like blazers as much as we do.” Reflexively, I answered, “I respectfully disagree.” With my head held low, I knew I had failed once again.

But because humor comes in threes, I decided to take one final run at it. It was a stretch, but I figured that if my apparel could impress anywhere, it would within the windowless tomb of Skull and Bones, where influential people gathered in secret to talk about offshore banking.

I briefly wondered how I would get in, but fortunately the front door was unlocked.

In the dim candlelight, I was greeted by many famous members, including President George W. Bush, President

Liz Kingsley ’19 Chairman

9

George H.W. Bush, and some others who people don’t care about. To my relief, they all complemented me on my impeccable choice of blazer. However, their smiles quickly evaporated when H.W. spotted the Kohl’s tag I had foolishly neglected to remove. “We only buy from Macy’s,” he snarled, with hatred in his voice. Tearing my coat to shreds with unnatural strength for a 93-year-old, he exiled me from Skull and Bones forever and made me sit outside in the “Loser Section” with his less important son who was not President.

My quest to wear a blazer had failed, fittingly, in a spectacular fashion. Yet when I walked back to my room, I discovered that a certain “world’s oldest humor magazine” had been slid under my door, very much as this one has been yours. And reading through, I came to a conclusion that, given the rest of this story, was a complete non-sequitur. It was at that moment that I realized that the true measure of success at Yale was, specifically, cracking jokes, having good times with friends, and eating literal tons of free pizza every Monday at 9 p.m. in LC 209.

So read on, friend, and know that if you do these things, not only will you be somebody, but you will be somebody who is part of The Yale Record, and most decidedly not a douche.

Dress code is casual.

—M. Abuzalaf Editor in Chief

Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Editor in Chief

Archie Kinnane ’18 Online Editor in Chief

Vicky Liu ’19 Publisher

Noah Amsel ’20 Webmaster

Dylan Schifrin ’20 Managing Editor

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Director of Online Content

Chloe Prendergast ’20 Art Director

Rishi Mirchandani ’19 Business Manager

Elliot Connors ’20 Online Managing Editor

Ellen Yang ’20 Managing Editor

Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor

Lane Unsworth ’19 Staff Director

Jake Houston ’19 Publicity Manager

Graham Ambrose ’18 Old Owl

Brian Beitler ’18 Old Owl

Alex Ringlein ’18 Old Owl

Chasan Hall ’18 Old Owl

Louisa Cone ’18 Old Owl

Staff: Spencer Birney ’18 Emma Chanen ’19 Amanda Corcoran ’18 Sonia Gadre ’20 Andrew Gamzon ’20 Timur Guler ’18 Carina Hahn ’20 Sami Hakani ’18 Carter Helschien ’18

Contributors: Alex Hoganson ’20 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19 Katie Kidney ’19 Mariah Kreutter ’20 Roger Lopez ’18 Andrew Megerian ’18 Veena Muraleetharan ’20 Leila Murphy ’19

Micah Osler ’18 Noah Rae-Grant ‘18 Henry Robinson ’19 Jonathan Rutter ’18 Natalya Sanghvi ’18 Sahaj Sankaran ’20 Justin Shi ’18 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19

Sarah Sukin ’18 Teddy Thum ’18 Rachel Treisman ’19 Alissa Wang ’19 Grace Wynter ’20 Ashton Winters ’20 Alex Zhang ’18

Nicole Eskow ’19 Aaron Gertler ’15 Madeleine Hutchins ’19 Joshua Baize ’20 Lina Kapp ’20 Ben Rudeen ’17 Sam Savitz ’17 Nicholas Serrambana ’20 Frederick Van Duyne ’20

Special thanks to: “The First-Year Issue” Cover by: Lane Unsworth ‘19 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLVI, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2017 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

WHAT YOUR OLD CAMPUS DORM SAYS ABOUT YOU Durfee: You’re in Morse Farnam: You’re in Jonathan Edwards Lawrance: You’re in Ezra Stiles Welch: You’re in Davenport Bingham: You’re in Trumbull or Hopper Vanderbilt: You’re in Saybrook or Branford Lanman-Wright: You’re in for a rough year —M. Abuzalaf

HOW TO PRETEND YOU WENT ON FOOT Avoid showering for a week before arriving on campus.

One simple way to accomplish this is by marathoning Family Feud, which airs from 7 p.m. to midnight every weekday on the Game Show Network.

On move-in day, swagger onto Old Campus with a slight hunch and wedgie-induced bowlegs, as if you are accustomed to carrying a thirty pound pack up the gentle slopes of the Appalachian trail.

Loudly brag to all nearby freshmen and their parents that your woods-shits were much bigger than anyone else’s on your trip.

Quickly and emphatically clarify that you did not watch your fellow footies shit in the woods, as this, of course, is strictly forbidden by the FOOT moral code.

Assure your listeners you are aware that, buried in the secret tunnel system beneath Cross Campus, the FOOT moral code is inscribed upon a fifty foot Golden Compass, a miniature of which every FOOT

alumnus must carry on their person at all times.

Regretfully tell them that you can’t show anyone your compass right now, as you just sent it out to the cleaners a few moments ago.

Of course by cleaners, you mean the immortal goldsmith that also lives in the secret tunnel system beneath Cross Campus.

Quickly learn that miniature golden compasses double both as ethical guides and blunt metal projectiles when someone calls you out on your story. Surprise, it was in your pocket all along.

Flee into the woods to escape the ensuing manhunt. Now you’re on SOLO (Stupid Ostracized Loser Outing).

—G. Wynter

THE RECORD’S MUST-TAKE CLASSES To qualify for the bachelor’s degree, B.A. or B.S., a student must successfully complete thirty-six term courses in Yale College or their equivalent. In doing so, the student must fulfill the distributional requirements of Yale College and the requirements of a major program. A student may normally complete no more than eight terms of enrollment in order to fulfill these requirements.

Students must fulfill disciplinary area requirements by taking no fewer than two course credits in the humanities and arts, two in the sciences, and two in the social sciences. Students must also fulfill skills requirements by taking at least two course credits in quantitative reasoning, two course credits in writing, and courses to further their foreign language proficiency.

A major program usually includes twelve term courses in the same area, progressing from introductory to advanced

T he F reshman I ssue

work, which become the focus of a student’s program in the junior and senior years. Majors are offered by departments, interdepartmental programs, or interdisciplinary programs. Many majors have prerequisites of two or more term courses taken in the freshman and sophomore years.

In all majors, the student must satisfy a senior requirement, usually a senior essay, senior project, or senior departmental examination.

We also suggest PSYC 110.

—Yale College Programs of Study

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR LONGDISTANCE MOM Leave her for her sister “It’s not you, it’s 50% of your DNA” Tell her she’s adopted Die Reverse Oedipus When she says “I love you,” respond with “thank you” Be a Disney princess and wait until it’s ten minutes into the movie Cheat on her with an older, more experienced mom Mutually —Staff

WHAT YOUR SAT SCORE SAYS ABOUT YOU 2400: You studied too hard.

2390: You studied exactly the right amount.

2380: You used the word “firstly” in your essay.

Graders hate that shit.

2370: It is conceivable that you did not get a perfect score on any section. Most people here will not be friends with you, just in case this happens to be true.

2360: The proctor went crazy and attacked you with a hammer in the middle of the exam. In the course of defending yourself, you left a couple of Critical Reading questions blank. Most people here will forgive you.

2130: Nice to meet you, Mr. Davenport! Your greatgreat-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was a fine man. I’m sure you’ll have a terrific time at Yale.

—A. Gertler

11

THINGS YOUR COULD DO ON YOUR GAP YEAR Poop on it Count to sixteen 575,600 times Disappoint your father Earn the right to say “More like Nap Year” Befriend adults Cyberbully Have a child and a third of another child Take nine fulfilling courses while surrounded by all your friends Watch Home Alone 1 three times or watch Home Alone 3 one time Anything. That’s why so many students take advantage of this amazing opportunity. The sky is truly the limit.

Your mom —Staff

YALE TO CHANGE “FIRST-YEARS” TO “LITTLE SCHWARZMEN” NEW HAVEN, CT — After alumni expressed dissatisfaction with the renaming of “freshmen” to “first-years,” Yale announced yesterday that first-year students will now officially be known as “Little Schwarzmen.”

“We feel that ‘Little Schwarzmen’ is a perfect compromise,” said Assistant Dean of Student Affairs Hannah Peck. “The term ‘Little’ is gender-neutral, and the term ‘Schwarzman,’ well, uh, that’s also a good term.”

“I can’t wait to be a Little Schwarzman,” one recently-admitted high school student told The Record. “The term makes me feel really important, like a person who helps out the President, or someone who is really wealthy.”

While the move has garnered wide-ranging support from both investment banks and hedge funds, some students and faculty see the change as an attempt to placate Stephen Schwarzman ’69, who has not had anything named after him since May 2015.

“It’s obviously a publicity stunt,” said one anonymous professor.

“Look, I feel bad for Schwarzman – my nephew was named after me, and nobody likes him either – but we have principles on renaming nowadays. And a whole committee to establish them!”

Nevertheless, administrators claim that “Little Schwarzmen” earned rave reviews from a diverse focus group “not affiliated with the Yale Corporation.” When asked whether the focus group was affiliated with the Yale Board of Trustees, administrators looked around nervously and said they had somewhere else to be.

—N. Ewing-Crystal

12

T he Y ale R ecord

UNORTHODOX ICE BREAKERS FOR FRESHMEN Spin the Franzia Box Wine: Simply spin a box of beautifully fruity wine from the Loire Valley and initiate an elaborate, self-important philosophical conversation with whomever it lands on. Topics can include moral absolutism, utilitarian solutions to poverty, or why a merciful God would allow innocents to suffer. Bonus points are awarded if you reference texts you read over the summer for Directed Studies.

The SAT Score is Right!: It’s just like estimating the cost of household appliances on The Price is Right, except here you guess the SAT score of your new acquaintances. The closest guess gets a pat on the back, but the real winner, of course, is the person who has the highest SAT score, as they are inherently superior to all those who were admitted on the mere strength of their personal essays, extracurricular community service, and general wellroundedness.

Two Alternate Truths and a Lie: State two totally unverifiable fun facts about yourself pulled directly from your application, and then throw in an obvious lie just so everyone knows the kind of person you definitely aren’t. Here’s an example for me: “I visited Jamaica this summer as part of my service with the Peace Corps, I’ve written several novels, or I got a 4 on the AP U.S. History Exam.” The first two are clearly half-truths: I provided the Peace Corps with the service of liking their Facebook page during the Jamaican pit stop of my Caribbean cruise, and while I have written numerous Pulitzer-worthy works of Harry Styles fan fiction, they’ve only actually been published on a handful of Darknet forums. The lie, obviously, was the one about the AP Test. After all, everyone knows the scores don’t go lower than 5.

—J. Baize

OTHER THINGS “FROCO” COULD STAND FOR

Freshman Cooker: Short-order chef for Yale’s underground cannibalism ring Fresh Cooler: The brand-new refrigerator your rich roommate brought Friend Cooler: The brand-new refrigerator your rich roommate pays you to sleep in so she can have a single Freshman Colander: Separates the strong from the weak First Cousin: The really annoying one who happens to be good at everything, and who you should try to be more like, Veena Frog Counter: The bouncer at Toad’s Frozen Corrosive: Cold-Stone killer Freshman Counselor: A wise first-year tasked with guiding troubled seniors through their final two semesters at Yale —V. Muraleetharan HOW TO EAT A GRAPEFRUIT IN COLLEGE

1. First, identify the grapefruit. It is like an orange, but it is not. You can peel an orange and eat it in segments. If you do this to a grapefruit, it will remain large and unwieldy. This defeats the purpose of the grapefruit.

2. Cut the grapefruit into two hemispheres. Now you can view and consume the fleshy insides of this citrus fruit.

3. Avoid overindulgence and condescending sideways glances by taking one, and only one, grapefruit half from the dining hall.

4. Place it on a plate. Big plate, small plate, it makes no difference. As a legal adult, you are old enough to make your own plating decisions. Use a bowl if you find that to be of utility.

5. With respect to utensils, the following are recommended: knife, spoon.

6. You may be tempted to immediately start scooping out the grapefruit’s innards. Do not do this.

This reveals the eater as a freshman and therefore an idiot. Instead, use the knife to slowly pry the sections of the grapefruit from the skin.

7. Now, carefully switch utensils to the spoon. Use

T he F reshman I ssue

13

it to remove the sections and transport them to your mouth. You will now be able to chew and swallow the grapefruit.

8. Repeat steps 1-7 until you notice that there is no longer a grapefruit in front of you.

Congratulations. You have eaten a grapefruit in college.

rabbit with equal and opposite force. Nosferatu responded with a desperate lunge toward the brutish holiday-hare’s abdomen, somehow only grazing his haunches. Finally, in an unexpected conclusion to the epic showdown, the Easter Bunny holstered his cruel machete and instead cracked the forty over Nosferatu’s skull, a testament to the anthropomorphized rabbit’s honorable mercy in battle.

—L. Kapp

—L. Unsworth

WE STOOD ON THE NEW HAVEN GREEN AT 3 A.M. YELLING ABOUT OUR FULL WALLETS. YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

There are certain things in life that no amount of experience or foresight can prepare you for. Last Tuesday night began like any other: my yachting chums and I were just four men of Yale trying to think of ways to spend a merry evening in old New Haven. I, for one, had always thought that the city’s crime rate was overstated. That all changed when James suggested we go to the New Haven Green and yell about our bulging wallets.

At first, I was intrigued; this was something we had always talked about doing but never gotten around to.

So the boys and I decided to walk down to the Green with our fat wallets, Tuesday Sperrys, and Rolexes for casual wear. We announced ourselves as friendly fellows about the town do, removing our crisp, button-down polos, waving them above our heads and all announcing loudly “My name is James, come see my brimming billfold!”

What happened next, nobody was expecting.

The Easter Bunny emerged from the middle church with a machete in one hand and a forty in the other. He descended the stairs to meet Nosferatu, who had scrambled up out of a storm drain wielding a makeshift putterturned-bayonet. Sparks flew as golf club met machete, igniting small contained fires on the Christian rabbit’s fur. As the two actual mythical legends engaged in battle, a stretch of Temple street was set aflame by the sheer electricity of this historic clash. Lightning rained down from the sky as Nosferatu ripped off his cloak to reveal a detailed portrait of Pamela Anderson adorning his left pectoral muscle. The Easter Bunny took a running leap, denting the vampire’s golf club with a blow of the machete so powerful it caused an egg to launch from the

FRESHMAN NOT PREPARED TO MICROWAVE FOOD FOR SELF NEW HAVEN, CT — Upon arriving on campus last Monday, Yale College freshman Joey Hexner revealed that, in his opinion, he has not been adequately prepared for dealing with the harsh realities of collegiate life.

“There are some things I wish I had learned before coming to college,” Joey told The Record while settling into his new home in Vanderbilt Hall. “Like, it probably would have been a good idea to learn how to microwave food for myself.”

With the hectic lifestyle of today’s modern college student, sometimes there just isn’t time to grab a bite at the nearest dining hall before heading off to class. “Knowing my way around a microwave would have been a great skill to have,” said Joey, organizing his laundry by color, material, and emotional significance.

Seeing his suitemates effortlessly operate their microwave has inevitably made Joey somewhat self-conscious. “At times it feels like I can’t do anything right,” he remarked while finishing and mailing in his tax returns seven months early.

Joey’s mother is hardly surprised by her son’s new challenge.

“Joey has never been very self-sufficient. One time he even missed the 1,077th note while playing every instrumental part of Rachmaninoff’s third Piano Concerto at the same time. What an idiot!”

Joey admits that his repeated attempts to decode the perplexing operations of the microwave have mostly been unsuccessful. “One Minute: Express Cook? What the hell does that mean?” he exclaimed, throwing his pencil in the air in frustration, only to have it come down and complete his MATH 230 pset with a single flourish.

Joey has also reported difficulty working the toaster oven, claiming that after 30 minutes his toaster came out tasteless and on fire.

— D. Schifrin

14

T he Y ale R ecord

16

T he Y ale R ecord

YALE FIRST-YEARS ARRIVE LATE AFTER BAFFLING UBER DRIVERS WITH DIRECTIONS

While thousands of Yale undergraduates returned to campus this week for the upcoming academic year, several dozen members of the Class of 2021 arrived as many as three days late to Camp Yale, as their Uber drivers were incapable of discerning the precise location of “A Small Liberal Arts College on the East Coast.” One driver, who had an internal dash-cam set up, has provided The Record with a transcript of a conversation with a Yale first-year picked up from Bradley International Airport:

Uber Driver: Alright. Where are we headed, boss?

Yale First-year: Well, I actually go to a small liberal arts college on the East Coast.

UD: Okay, which one? University of New Haven?

YF: Yeah, it is in New Haven, actually. Funny you should guess that.

UD: So not University of New Haven? I mean we’re right by New Haven, so it wasn’t that wild of a guess— YF: Um, it’s really small? Totally possible you’ve never heard of it.

UD: Albertus Magnus? They’re pretty small, right?

YF: Pffft... No, it’s not Harvard. If you know what I mean.

UD: I… didn’t mention Harvard…

YF: It is known as a pretty good school, though. I guess.

UD: Oh, is it Yale? That’s amazing, congratula—

YF: So — *sheepishly glances away* — I actually… go to Yale.

UD: I literally just guessed that.

YF: I applied not really knowing whether I’d get in,

you know? College admissions are honestly such a crapshoot these days.

UD: So we’re headed to Yale, right? That’s where I’m taking you? Am I dropping you off at Phelps Gate or somewhe—

YF: I was really drawn to the vibrant a cappella community at Yale, and I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity like DS. Oh, sorry, that stands for Directed Studies - it’s this exclusive first-year program that offers an intense interdisciplinary introduction to the seminal texts of Western civi— —F. Van Duyne

SHOWERS LENGTHEN AS SEXUAL DROUGHT CONTINUES NEW HAVEN, CT – The carnal monsoons of Camp Yale have run dry, sending many Yale students into a frenzied state of thirst. According to a joint study conducted by the Office of Sustainability and the Yale Communication and Consent Educators, as students are finding fewer avenues for seducing potential mates – in the weeks following orientation, it is growing far too cold to justify public defrocking on the way to Woads – average shower length across campus has dramatically increased.

With sexual frustrations mounting, students are increasingly forced to take matters into their own hands. These findings cooccur with the emerging concerns of suitemates from L-Dub to Pierson regarding the prolonged showers of their cohabitants.

Though most students are unsurprisingly reluctant to make comment on their sexual engagements, this reporter was able to get off a few noteworthy statements. “We’re wasting a lot of fluids this way,” said Jacob Schmidt ‘21, concerned over both global and sexual climate. Wasted fluids, indeed.

Others deny that their sexual aridity is impacting water consumption. “My droughts have been frequent and prolonged, but my shower lengths have stayed pretty consistent. I make pretty efficient use of my time,” reported one first-year who preferred to remain anonymous.

After attempting to reach out to more victims of the sexual drought, a Class of 2019 Saybrugian, discussing his roommate while strapping on shower shoes, offered a different approach to the subject: “Don’t interview him, he’s a Californian—he’s just taking all the water he can get.”

—M. Hutchins

T he F reshman I ssue

17

HOW TO DO POT FOR THE FIRST TIME*

YALE CORPORATION WELCOMES ASSETS OF 2021 NEW HAVEN, CT – In a statement released Tuesday, the Yale Corporation expressed a bullish welcome to the incoming Assets of 2021.

The message began by greeting the incoming group, acknowledging that with the introduction of Murray and Franklin Colleges, 2021 would constitute the largest combined principal yet.

“As you already know,” the statement reads, “you were each selected for the impressive value that you bring to Yale. We are so glad you have chosen to invest yourselves in our fine institution, and we have high expectations for your futures.”

The report cites the unique joy the Corporation takes year over year in welcoming each and every income class.

It continues, “While many find the transition difficult from being the ‘top commodity’ – which is obviously a metaphor as our investments are all liquid – to just a small fraction of a large portfolio, we are optimistic that you will settle in quickly and reap high returns.”

The Corporation also expressed confidence that the next four years would be a time of “great growth for us all.”

—L. Kingsley

Mom and Dad were very clear: College is the time to expand your horizons, to try new things, to stop worrying if Buzz and Woody will make it back home in time for the big move. So you’re not really a college student until you’ve done the pot, or the marijuana as it’s known to street youths. If you’ve never done the pot before, there’s no need to worry. Everything you need to know is right here.

For starters, never refer to the pot by its real name.

Instead, stick to secret code words like the devil’s lettuce, George W. Kush, or Oscar the Grouch. You will sound way cooler and earn the respect of your peers if you use these nicknames or come up with your own. Trust me. I eat the pot for breakfast.

In addition to its many names, silly broccoli (are you catching on?) also comes in many forms. One of the most common is a joint. Many first-timers assume you’re supposed to do it the normal way, but to avoid looking like a beginner, stick it directly into your nostril to let the Doprah Winfrey reach your brain faster. There are also bongs, which you will notice have water in the bottom. When it is your turn to hit it, drink the water in one mouthful. In addition to getting totally weed-wasted, you will also stay hydrated, an added bonus of spending time with Mary Jane. You might also come across edibles in your time here, which you just crumble into tiny pieces and smoke from a pipe. It’s always a nice gesture to bake pot brownies for your professors on the first day of class!

If you’re having trouble finding the Tocahontas, don’t be shy. Your FroCos are a great resource, as is Chief Ronnell Higgins. It will also be easier to find the Mapotma Ganji if you make your stoner-status known. I recommend drawing weed leaves on your binders and buying several Bob Marley posters to wear as low-key capes.

With all this in mind, go forth, my little Cheeches and Chongs. Make Handsome Dank proud. *The Record does not endorse the use of marijuana, which is illegal in the state of Connecticut. We do, however, endorse the use of dank-ass kush.

—L. Cone

—C. Prendergast

Immerse yourself in the rich culture of India. Learn a language spoken by half a billion people worldwide. And enjoy Bollywood films like never before!

FALL 2017 COURSES

TESTIMONIALS

For brand-new speakers: Elementary Hindi I (L1) Instruction for 50 minutes each weekday, offered in two sections: 10:30 AM – 11:20 AM and 1:30 PM – 2:20 PM

For South Asian students with some Hindi knowledge: Accelerated Hindi I (L3) Instruc(on for 75 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 4:00 PM – 5:15 PM

From Fall 2016 evaluations:

For advanced non-na:ve speakers: Advanced Hindi (L5) Instruc(on for 75 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 4:00 PM – 5:15 PM Advanced Tutorial (L5) 1 HTBA

“THIS CLASS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! Please take this class if you are interesting in learning the language!

The professors are amazing, and the class is very enjoyable!”

“It’s challenging without being overly focused on scores and grades…Swapnaji and Seemaji are the best and definitely create a very friendly and stimulating learning environment!”

QUESTIONS? Contact the instructors: Seema Khurana: seema.khurana@yale.edu Swanpna Sharma: swapna.sharma@yale.edu

H u nge r Dismised!

Stop in and take a study break

BAGELS

|

SANDWICHES

|

SALADS

|

Sign-up for our eClub and get a

free cream cheese

Join at www.brueggers.com/eclub

bagel with

and other exclusive deals

SOUP

|

COFFEE

|

ESPRESSO

New Haven

1 Whitney Avenue 203.773.3199 Free WIFI!

T he F reshman I ssue

ORGANIZATIONS TO FULFILL YOUR NEED FOR VALIDATION OTHER THAN THE YDN OPINION COLUMN Senior societies — Pros: You get to spend upwards of four hours telling your life story, and everyone has to at least pretend to be sympathetic! They also come with a veneer of prestige and mystery. Cons: You have to be a senior. Good luck suffering through three years of validation-less ennui.

A cappella — Pros: A cappella provides the kind of single-minded familial closeness usually only found in Hallmark movies and cults. Cons: You actually need to have some talent.

Yale Twitter — Pros: People will “like” your most vulnerable moments - for instance, simultaneously throwing up and crying in the Toad’s bathroom - so long as you present them with utter detachment in 140 characters or less. Cons: None at all.

McKinsey and Company/Goldman Sachs — Pros: Money. Cons: A vague sense of dissatisfaction with your life and your choices. But still, money.

The Yale Herald Opinion page — Pros: The Herald’s op-eds are generally less obnoxious than their YDN counterparts. Cons: Even fewer people read them.

Your dad’s love and approval — Pros: The genuine pride and affection of your distant father would finally fill the void in your self-worth that you’ve been grappling with since childhood. Cons: Come on, kiddo. That’ll never happen.

—M. Kreutter

—C. Prendergast

19

FIVE SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE FRIENDS

The beginning of college can be a scary time.

Everything seems new — your room, the academica, living on your own. Plus, you have to make all new friends. This might seem tough, but not to worry! Just follow these simple tips and you will be well on your way to Friendville, USA. 1. Ask them what college they’re in. With this simple question you are halfway to making a lifelong friend. But as they say, it takes two to tango. If, after answering, he or she asks you what college you’re in, then the friendship’s bonds become fully formed.

Better call up mom, because it looks like you just found your future child a godparent.

2. Make the conversation more about them than you. People love talking about themselves.

So once you let them into your life a little, one way to make someone feel comfortable is letting them tell you a bit about themselves. Plus, this will make it less likely you’ll accidentally let something slip about what you found in your father’s briefcase that afternoon back in fourth grade, when at last the ghastly truth was made clear! Oh, why dad? WHY? 3. Let them in on your one weird trick to cut fat. If you let them know that you figured out this one weird trick to cut 10 pounds in just two weeks, that will make you seem innovative and interesting in their eyes. Make sure they’re not a doctor first, though - doctors HATE you!

4. Tell them that you thought the word “misled” was pronounced “my-sled” until last week. Studies have shown that people feel a lot less shy around someone after they say something embarrassing about themselves. So why not just bite the bullet and tell your soon-to-be bestie that you had been mispronouncing this simple word for your entire life, and were under the impression that it indicated possession of a sliding land vehicle? You know you’d never be so stupid as to both mispronounce and be confused by the meaning of misled, which numerous schoolyard bullies confirm is one of the easiest and most phonetically-spelled words in the English language, stupidhead. But there’s no reason they have to know that!

5. Beyblades. Do I even need to explain?

—A . Kinnane

20

T he Y ale R ecord

HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO COME BACK TO YOUR PLACE OF SEX Meet people: Spend time in different locations that potential sex companions frequent, like Timothy Dwight College, the Kline Biology Tower, or that gas station off Whalley Avenue.

Make conversation: Potential sex mates respond well to dialogue. Try talking about your ACT score or mile time to show off your reproductive fitness.

Ask the question: Most Yalies have sex numerous times every day, so your proposition has to stand out from the hundreds of thousands your potential partner has already heard. Try something sexy, like speaking in Middle English or Sanskrit. “Come hither for sex coitus is a tried-and-true classic.

Maintain interest: On the walk to your place, avoid common mistakes like tripping, critiquing their body, crying, or tripping over their body while crying.

Avoid suitemates: There’s no mood-killer quite like a long conversation with an oblivious suitemate before sex intercourse. Upon walking into your suite, sprint full-speed to your room. Ignore any obstacles blocking your mission. This is the time to break out the tears.

Be respectful: Once in your room, make sure you’re both on the same page. Get to know them a little better as a person. Offer to wait while your partner fills out a brief sextionnaire on their sexual preferences, romantic history, personality, substance intake record, skills, hobbies, dreams, and interests.

Shouldn’t take more than an hour.

Follow-up: Afterward, kindly thank your sex counterpart for their time. Be sure to ask for a mailing address, so you’ll know where to send the invitation for next time.

–G. Ambrose EASY WAYS TO TRANSFORM FROM A 2021 FACEBOOK CELEBRITY TO A REAL PERSON Bring it up constantly Arrange real-life meet-ups with your comment thread disciples Pretend you haven’t already Facebook stalked the people you meet in person

Wear a T-shirt with your profile picture on it to facilitate the transition “Friend request” people by approaching them out of nowhere and asking to be their friend Channel your inner Zuckerberg and destroy anyone who gets in your way Become a real-life celebrity by starring in the 2006 classic Click as Adam Sandler Give up and transfer –Staff LESSER-KNOWN METHODS OF GETTING INTO A SECRET SOCIETY In a Trojan horse Define everything outside the secret society as a secret society More specifically, name your pet box “Secret Society” and sit in it Start your own by picking two random nouns and putting “and” in the middle Have Bush somewhere in your name Write a persuasive essay using high school analytical writing skills Be super rich… in personality Smash through the door with a crowbar –Staff NIFTY TRICKS FOR IMPROVING YOUR FUN FACT Lie Be proficient in Excel Take the fact of the person before you, but say it with authority Don’t be premed Say nothing - maintain an air of mystery Get a really interesting STD Be really passionate about financial systems Double your SAT score Learn guitar, but only the song Wonderwall Be more interesting –Staff

T he F reshman I ssue

21

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO STAYING IN SHAPE IN COLLEGE

LOOK OUT WORLD: DYLAN’S NOT A FRESHMAN ANYMORE

1. Open up your phone and take a look at Facebook.

Look at at least five pictures. Yes, yes, feel the selfloathing flow through you. Resolve to go to the gym.

2. Change into your gym clothes, and say to yourself, “I now choose to cause myself pain in order to benefit my future self.”

3. Walk down the stairs in your gym clothes. If you encounter others, say to them, “I am a person who goes to the gym. Do you believe me?” Do not wait for an answer.

4. Stand outside the gym, feel the apathy wash over you, and say to yourself, “My future self feels separate from my current self, and as a result I choose to not go to the gym after all.” Resolve to go back to bed.

5. Walk back up the stairs. If you encounter others, say to them, “I was just at the gym. Have you gone?”

Wait for an answer as long as necessary.

6. If they answer yes, say, “Nice! When I said that I went to the gym, I was being truthful.”

7. If they answer no, say, “Actually, I did not go in the gym.”

8. If they ignore you, say, “I am also not very social, given that I interact with others in predetermined ways.”

9. Say, “I am glad that we have bonded over what we have in common,” and add them as a friend on Facebook.

10. Change back into your Facebook clothes.

11. Repeat steps 1-10 until college ends.

12. Say to yourself, “What a great irony that my indecisiveness led me to walk up and down the stairs repeatedly for 4 years and burn the calories necessary to stay in shape. Truly I have achieved what I set out to achieve.”

–A. Ringlein

You may have seen him around campus last year: the eager young man with the glossy brown hair, lovable face, and go-getter attitude. You may have heard about his superior piano skills or playwriting prowess. But you haven’t seen anything yet.

Meet Dylan. He’s just a regular supremely gifted student at a regular elite university, and he’s looking forward to going back to school in the fall. But Dylan’s about to find out that sophomore year is unlike anything he’s encountered before.

Follow Dylan through the topsiest, turviest year of his life… so far. You’ll see Dylan singing with that group he’s in, shopping for classes, and just kickin’ back with his pals. This is one adventure you don’t want to miss.

Look out world, because this fall – Dylan’s not a freshman anymore.

–J. Houston

SIGNS YOUR NEW ROOMMATE IS THE ANTICHRIST He keeps a copy of the Necronomicon in his backpack and will only refer to it as “his textbook.”

He keeps muttering that Jesus “had it coming.”

After he hooks up with a girl, it always smells like brimstone for some reason.

Even when you’re trying to study, he’ll be lighting the room on fire in a satanic ritual designed to bring about the end of times.

The sign on your door says he’s from “Shadowy and Lost Carcosa, where dark stars rise in the eve and women cry out for mercy from the Yellow King.”

He keeps leaving his towel and the dismembered heads of small animals on your side of the room. Ick! After 20 centuries of stony sleep, he is slouching towards the dining hall to eat breakfast.

He never takes out the fucking garbage.

–C. Hall

22

T he Y ale R ecord

escape hectic campus life, head on over to the LSF. Sure, they may store the books in shipping containers, but the round-the-clock climate control keeps the freshness in. And they even have free delivery! Bet you wish you had found this hidden gem, Zagat!

Beinecke Rare Books and Manuscripts Library: If you are a true connoisseur with a refined palate, you won’t want to eat what the common man enjoys.

You’ll want something more…rare. These books are aged for the best taste, and though you may feel guilty about the indulgence, you’ll know it was worth it. For those with sophisticated taste, try the manuscripts, and for the carnivores out there, don’t miss out on the vellum-bound tomes.

Booktrader: While this entry may be misleading, as it is listed in many guidebooks as a food café, they also have books! While those weirdos are slurping down “corfee” and guzzling “sandy witches,” you can cozy up with a nice book to eat. Try the paperbacks for a light snack!

–B. Rudeen & S. Savitz BEST PLACES TO EAT ON CAMPUS, IF YOU LIKE TO EAT BOOKS Sterling Memorial Library: A great place to start. With over 12 million books, the options are practically endless. They have a great selection of Middle Eastern or Chinese, and don’t forget the thesauruses. Delicious! Or should I say scrumptious? A word of warning: some of the books on the upper floors of the stacks may be sticky.

Bass Library: This is a newer eatery, and it’s a bit more underground for those of you trying to find something less mainstream. The lack of natural light adds great ambience. The selection may not be as nice as you find in Sterling, but the service is great, even if there are sometimes naked people running through.

Library Storage Facility: If you’re looking to

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T EAT HERE Rocks: You couldn’t eat them at home, so why do you think you could eat them here?

Art: Whether they are paintings or sculptures, you should cross all works of art off your list of things to eat at college.

The Physics Department: The Physics Department includes buildings, which are made of rocks. And you can’t eat rocks, remember?

Things labeled “not for consumption”: “Not for consumption” is a fancy way of saying you shouldn’t eat it. For example, vegan ravioli is “not for consumption.”

Food at the Saybrook Dining Hall: You have 13 other choices, why choose that one?

T he F reshman I ssue

Rocks: I know I mentioned them before, but I really wanted to make sure that you do not eat them. And just a reminder: this means you can’t eat the physics department.

Art: We’re talking about the person now. Don’t eat him.

He is Denise’s boyfriend.

The Physics Department (faculty): What part of ‘don’t eat rocks’ don’t you understand?

Teddy: He is my turtle and I love him.

Asbestos: While the real danger of asbestos is inhalation, this in no way means you should eat it. And just a reminder: This means you can’t eat food at the Saybrook Dining Hall.

–B. Beitler

BREAKING UP WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE SIGNIFICANT OTHER Make subtle suggestions about ending the relationship. Talk about all of the “hot, sexy, and emotionally available” people you met on your first day here. Complain about your new college problems by saying things like, “My new best friend lives one floor above me. I don’t know how our friendship will survive, considering the distance.”

Begin by provoking irrational fights. Pick on your soon-to-be-former significant other for liking Swiss cheese more than Gruyere. Accuse them of cheating on you with their celebrity crush. Respond to absolutely anything they say with “Didgeridoo.”

End it, but avoid explaining the real reason why you’re ending it. It’s easy to say “I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship.” But what if they decide to move cross-country to be with you? To be safe, just say “I want to break up.” If they ask why, tell them you are entering the witness protection program because you are being targeted by criminals and that you have already told them too much.

23

Add a plot twist. Plot twists make everything more interesting and are also a good distraction from the horrifying realities of life. During the breakup, make a shocking claim to keep their mind off their great sorrow. Good examples include “I kidnapped your dog!” or “I used your credit card to buy a 14-karat gold statue of Barry from Bee Movie!”

Send a follow-up essay 24 hours after the breakup. Be sure to cite any outside sources you used and explain your reactions to the breakup. This is best done in MLA format. Use a varied vocabulary and complex sentence structure so that you are remembered fondly as a very eloquent writer, rather than a heartbreaker.

Don’t forget to remember the good times.

Regardless of how strictly you follow my expert advice, remember that most relationships come with great memories. Like the time you adopted a highway together, or the day they got their braces stuck in your braces and your dad had to drive you to the emergency room for an extraction procedure (and while you were waiting in the lobby, you’re pretty sure they told you they loved you, but it was hard to hear what they said because of the whole “their braces being stuck in your braces” thing).

Immediately replace your significant other with a Yale student. Or just go to Woads. Whatever works.

–N. Eskow

24

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME,” SAYS MAN CRUSHED BY TINY GOATS Dear Cocker Spaniel with a heart of gold, I will miss you forever.

Unfortunately, your heart of gold was much better at circulating smiles and laughs through those lucky enough to meet you than blood throughout your arteries and veins. We will never forget your wagging tail, gentle personality, and slightly bluish tint.

—Steve, who is also a white supremacist, so you shouldn’t feel that bad for him

T he Y ale R ecord

Dear rock with an inspirational quote, Thanks a lot. You really got me through the death of my grandfather.

—Dave Dear Dave, HOPE.

—Rock

REVISED, TOTALLY INOFFENSIVE EDITION OF MEIN KAMPF NOW BEGINS WITH WORDS “NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT.. ”

NEW INVESTIGATION REVEALS THAT NORTH DAKOTA DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST Dear America, I love you. I love how free you are.

I love your work on Ugly Betty.

—A man in love with America Ferrera

JEOPARDY HOST ALEX TREBEK GETS EXTENDED PRISON SENTENCE AFTER DEMANDING IT BE GIVEN IN FORM OF A QUESTION

Call us today!

T he Y ale R ecord

26

SMALL BUSINESS OWNER INVESTS IN STEPSTOOL Dear Euler, If you’re so smart, why don’t you find a way to relate 0, 1, pi, and i?

—Samantha

China Opportunities Fair

Thursday, Sept. 7 | 3:00-5:00PM

Yale-China

fellowship

Dear Samantha, 1+pi+i=0.

—A very drunk Euler

VILLAGE IDIOT TRIES TO USE NEWTON’S LAWS OF MOTION IN A NON-INERTIAL REFERENCE FRAME

Lunch Info Sessions* Thursday, Sept. 14 | 12:00-1:00PM Friday, Sept. 15 | 12:00-1:00PM

Live Stream Info Sessions* Tuesday, Sept. 19 | 8:00-9:00PM Wednesday, Sept. 27 | 8:00-9:00PM

Exchange App Deadline Friday, Sept. 29 | 5:00PM

Lunch Info Sessions* Thursday, Oct. 26 | 12:00-1:00PM Friday, Oct. 27 | 12:00-1:00PM

Fellowship Teahouse* Friday, Nov. 10 | 4:00-6:00PM

Fellowship Webinar Monday, Nov. 20 | 3:00-4:00PM

FOR SALE: Your favorite preposition, now two for a dollar!

Fellowship App Deadline Friday, Dec. 1 | midnight

Evening Info Sessions* Thursday, Jan. 18 | 8:00-9:00PM Wednesday, Jan. 31 | 8:00-9:00PM

BRAVE MAN BREAKS PERSONAL RECORD FOR SECONDS SPENT LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT SOBBING

Register at education@yalechina.org Dates and times subject to change, please check website for any updates: yalechina.org/events/calendar yalechina.org/education *Denotes session with alumni

fellowships

| exchanges | internships

T he F reshman I ssue

27

PROUD HOME OF FIVE PREMIER INDEPENDENTLY OWNED BEAUTY/SPA SALONS

Don’t Miss Our September Student Specials!* Beat the back-to-school blues and make us your one-stop shop for a day of pampering!

Eyelash extensions, spray tans, waxing, nails, and microblading services available.

BEAUTY BY KAROLINA • 15% OFF a Full Set of Classic Eyelash Extensions • 10% OFF Waxing Services Book with Karolina (203) 545-5296 beautybykarolina@yahoo.com @beautyby_karolina

ANGELA MAIONE BEAUTY • $50 OFF Any Microblading Service • $10 OFF Lash Lift & Tint Book with Angela (203) 414-5968 angelamaione@yahoo.com www.angelamaionebeauty.com @angelamaionebeauty

MASSAGE THERAPY – COMING TO 383 ORANGE SOON! GLOW AIRBRUSH TAN & LASH LOUNGE

• 15% OFF Any Nail or Wax Service of $35 or More

• 15% OFF a Full Set of Classic Eyelash Extensions • 1 Month of Custom Airbrush Spray Tans for $125 (includes 5 tan sessions) or $40 Organic Spray Tans

Book with Sami (203) 494-2466 sami@simplyflawlessbysami.com www.simplyflawlessbysami.com @simplyflawlessbysami

Book with Nicole (858) 349-1995 glow.tansandlashes@gmail.com www.glowtansandlashes.com @glow_bynicole

SIMPLY FLAWLESS BY SAMI

*All offers valid from Sept. 1, 2017 to Sept. 31, 2017 only. Must present valid student ID.

383 Orange Street w Ground Level w New Haven, CT 06511 Please use garden (alley side) entrance.

Limited parking available in rear lot on a first-come, first-serve basis.