Vol. 146, No. 7
THE YALE
Apr. 27, 2018
RECORD
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ADHD RESEARCHERS STRUGGLE TO CREATE FOCUS GROUP FOR STUDY Dear homeowner, Are you be interested in learning about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints? Sincerely, Elder Finch Dear Elder Finch, I’m actually already a member of the church...of Scientology. Surprise conversion ambush! Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about Xenu. Sincerely, Scientology missionary disguised as homeowner
BLOW JOB INNOVATOR GOES DOWN ON HISTORY
WOW! THIS SALAD JUST BEAT JUSTIN BIEBER IN A BIG HAT FOR BEST DRESSED Dear Abby, After the 2016 election, our country has been subjected to political gridlock, heightened partisanship, and unparalleled division. Is there anything we can do to save our government? Sincerely, Congress
VANDAL TOOK AN L LAST NIGHT IN HOLYWOOD Dear Congress, Have you tried turning it off and on again? Sincerely, Abby
FOR SALE: Shirts a la mode, served with one scoop or two.
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Dear Abby, My toes keep falling off. I think it is affecting my love life and also my balance. Sincerely, Worried
WARNING! Keep an eye out for that bee in your bonnet.
SCIENTIFIC ANOMALY: WHITE MAN PREGNANT WITH SELF-DOUBT Dear Worried, Have you tried using hot glue? Sincerely, Abby
HOLLYWOOD IN SHOCK AFTER GWYNETH PALTROW ANNOUNCES CHARGED BATTERIES AS HER NEW FAD DIET Dear Abby, I will try. Thank you for the Good Idea. Sincerely, Worried
\ OMG: JEN AND STACY WORE THE SAME DRESS TO PROM, AND THEY WERE OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH MATURE WOMEN Dear Mom, It’s not just a phase, geez! Your Son, The Moon
—M. Vasquez
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POINT: JUNK FOOD IS KILLING AMERICA COUNTERPOINT: MY DICK IS STUCK IN THIS VENDING MACHINE AND I NEED THE CALORIES TO SURVIVE Dear Penny Be the change you wish to see in the world. Sincerely, Nick L.
SO SAD: THE GUY WHO INVENTED THROWING AWAY ALL YOUR PENNIES DIED PENNILESS
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Dear buttplugs, You do not do what I thought you would do. Sincerely, An aroused man still suffering from diarrhea
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD CLOGS UNTIL I JAMMED THIRTY OF THEM DOWN MY SINK Dear @sexy_baby_angel_69, If I wire you $200 will you send me pictures of your feet? Sincerely, A man with a severe foot phobia who is working on confronting his triggers through controlled exposure and also has a healthy amount of respect for young women using the tools of the patriarchy to pay off student loans
Check out our website, yalerecord.org, for more hilarious content!
FOR SALE:
If the shoe fits, wear it—for 50% off !
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SHOWING CLEAR LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD BIAS, UNIVERSAL STUDIOS ENTERS 106TH CONSECUTIVE YEAR WITHOUT MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT CLEVE, MY RACIST UNCLE FROM ARKANSAS
Dear Burger King, If you and Dairy Queen had a baby, would he be named Cheeseburger Prince? Sincerely, Billy
COMMUNISM WORKS ON PAPER, NOT WOOD, STONE, PLASTIC, OR DRYWALL
Dear Billy, No, he would be named Greg. Kindest regards, Burger King
ONLY IN NEW YORK! SUBWAY RAT EATS BABY
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“THERE’S NOTHING I LIKE BETTER THAN A NICE MOSAIC PIECE,” MOSES SAYS, LOOKING AT HIS PENIS “IT’S A MATTER OF DETERRENCE,” ANNOUNCES LOCAL MAN WHO HAS LICKED ALL THE COCAINE IN TOWN SO NO ONE ELSE TOUCHES IT
Emmy Waldman ‘11
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f I were to tell you that this issue of The Yale Record was arriving “fashionably late,” you’d probably think one of two things. At first glance, you might conclude that me and the rest of those procrastinating Record scoundrels got ourselves delayed by midterms. And you’d be right. But if you really took a closer look, specifically at the top of the next page where it says “The Fashion Issue,” the horrible truth behind that pun would become even more horribly clear. You see, we’ve bottomed out. Reached a new, 150-year low. At some point in the last issue-choosing cycle, our system failed. Instead of continuing our long-running history of incisive satirical commentary, our Editorial Board came to the consensus that the next twenty-something pages of this magazine should focus on clothes. As in those things people wear. Shirts and all that. Real knee-slapper, right? Real funny theme for the funny humor magazine? Well, fashion your seatbelt, reader. It’s about to get worse. When I announced the beginning of The Fashion Issue in a meeting earlier this semester, the room let out a collective groan so anguished, I might as well have attempted to say “fashion your seatbelt” in full seriousness. But puns would not convince people to write humor pieces about clothing, nor could I fall back on them for more than the first 200 words of my Editorial. And yet, there we were, and here we are. Things began to move quickly, like a scene from The Fashion the Furious. Writers yelled about shoes. Editors sobbed as they tried in vain to make jokes about pants. Vicky, our Publisher, wouldn’t let me skip this issue because of our “advertisers.” So, as the de facto leader of a group that knew almost as little about fashion as it did about comedy, it became my job to learn all there was to know about our theme and why it was funny, then vomit out a story about that on these two pages. I started by looking at myself in the mirror. I wear clothes, I figured, so surely by looking at clothes and also at me wearing them, I would be able to write something funny. I wasn’t. So then I decided to look at other people and also the clothes they were
T he F a shion I ssue wearing. Other people are funny sometimes, like when Jimmy Fallon breathes real loud and slaps the desk on TV. But Jimmy Fallon’s suit is not a comedian. It’s a suit. And in this whole paragraph wasted meandering through banal anti-humor, I still had not found an explanation of why clothes were funny that didn’t depend on cheap wordplay. After a fashion, and finding myself in even greater need because of that phrase, I had no choice but to go back to the Record Editorial Board for ideas. Things had taken a turn for the worst since I’d left them, however. As I walked into the office, they looked at me with bloodshot eyes and frothing mouths, all of them reduced to feral states by their inabilities to brainstorm fashion articles. Every inch of the walls had been crayoned over with unfunny headlines like “Pants on Head Makes Laugh,” “Big, Big Jacket: Uh-Oh,” and what appeared to say “What Does It Mean?” scrawled out dozens of times in blood. But one headline in particular caught my eye: “Matt, You Should Go To The Senior Masquerade. Surely, With All The Well-Dressed People There, You Will Be Able To Think Of Something Funny About Clothes, Or At Least Be Able To Make A Joke About Masks.” That could work – the problem was, those procrastinating Record scoundrels and I had gotten ourselves delayed by midterms, and Masquerade had started months ago. It was worth a shot. First, I needed a ticket, so with all the attention of a second-semester senior still beholden to editorial responsibilities, I went on Facebook and scalped the first one I could find. Second, I needed a suit, so I produced my finest Jimmy Fallon. Third, I needed to fashion myself a mask, so – Liz Kingsley ’19 Chair
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clearly running out of time here – I quickly grabbed a garbage bag, poked two eye holes in it, and made my way towards the “secret location” listed on the ticket. With the bag hanging loosely over my head and the holes off center, I couldn’t see anything as I fumbled my way towards the sounds of voices and music. I refused to unmask myself, though. Everyone at Masquerade would think I was trying to pull the “fashionably late” gag more than once. The air was thick with the smell of musk, and as I brushed past some people, I felt sweat seep into my suit. However odd this was, all I needed was a single glance of high fashion to write my issue. Then the music stopped and the crowd started booing. People began pushing me around as cries of “Take it off!” echoed throughout the room. But I had come this far on puns, so I refused to give in to the whims of these fashists. Then someone ripped the bag off my head, and in that moment, I learned everything I needed to know about fashion. When you find yourself at Assquerade 2018, you learn that there’s a reason why clothes exist. When you stand in the center of dozens of your peers casually socializing at a Yale naked party, you learn there is no worse sight than the human body in its natural form. When you fall to the floor screaming, trying in vain to gouge out your own eyes, you learn there are greater horrors in this world than puns. So here’s a fashion statement: clothes are not funny. But here’s a fashion fact: this is the most important issue of The Yale Record you’ll ever read.
—M. Abuzalaf Editor in Chief
Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Editor in Chief
Archie Kinnane ’18 Online Editor in Chief
Vicky Liu ’19 Publisher
Noah Amsel ’20 Webmaster
Dylan Schifrin ’20 Managing Editor
Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Director of Online Content
Chloe Prendergast ’20 Art Director
Rishi Mirchandani ’19 Business Manager
Elliot Connors ’18 Online Managing Editor
Ellen Yang ’20 Managing Editor
Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor
Lane Unsworth ’19 Staff Director
Jake Houston ’19 Publicity Manager
Graham Ambrose ’18 Old Owl
Brian Beitler ’18 Old Owl
Alex Ringlein ’18 Old Owl
Chasan Hall ’18 Old Owl
Louisa Cone ’18 Old Owl
Staff: Colin Baciocco ’21 Madelyn Blaney ’21 Walker Caplan ’20 Adam Chase ‘19 Emma Chanen ’19 Caleb Cohen ’21 Simon Custer ’20
Anastasia Dalianis ’21 Ethan Fogarty ’21 Sonia Gadre ’20 Andrew Gamzon ’20 Timur Guler ’18 Carina Hahn ’20 Sami Hakani ’18
Carter Helschien ’18 Alex Hoganson ’20 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19 Katie Kidney ’19 Laura Koech ’21 Mariah Kreutter ’20
Dalia Moallem ’21 Veena Muraleetharan ’20 Leila Murphy ’19 Max Nobel ’21 Micah Osler ’18 Noah Rae-Grant ’18 Henry Robinson ’19
Harry Rubin ‘21 Marcy Sanchez ‘21 Sahaj Sankaran ’20 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19 Rachel Treisman ’19 Maya Vasquez ‘21
Alissa Wang ’19 Jocelyn Wexler ’21 Ashton Winters ’20 Grace Wynter ’20 Andy Xie ’21 Jacob Yoder-Schrock ’21
Contributors: Paige Davis ’21
Alec Zbornak ’21
Special thanks to: Carrot Top, Our Fashion Icon. Front Cover: Chloe Prendergast ‘20; Back Cover: Marcy Sanchez ‘21 & Maya Vasquez ‘21 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLVI, No. 7, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2018 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
OTHER BRANDS THE DEVIL WEARS J-Cruel Aberzombie and Fitch Hellister L.L. Scream Fruit of the Tomb Luludemon Sinyard Vines Canada Noose Kohl’s
TOP FIVE JEANS 1. Jean-Claude Van Damme: More like Jean Claude Van DAMME, am I right? Fuck, I really screwed that up. Anyways, this super sexy septuagenarian can do the splits between my legs any day of the week.
—Staff
THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE ASSLESS CHAP Once there was an assless chap, He was my love, he was my all. I know you msight think me a sap, But yet, his looks left me in thrall.
2. Levi’s 510 Skinny Fit Jeans for Men: Better known as “Levi’s Surprise,” these bad boys are cut for contemporary style and infused with stretch for the man on the go, making them one of the best pairs of jeans on the market. Add a vintage threadbare T-shirt, an inescapable fear of death, and an oversized Reformation blazer for that effortless chic look. 3. TP53: The TP53 gene allows the human body to generate a protein that suppresses tumors. Pretty cool, right?
There was, however, one slight issue Of which I never shut my yap, Although we had sufficient tissue He could not ever take a crap.
4. Jean Jacket. A quintessential look, it’s really no surprise that this denim classic tops out our list of top jeans. Jean jackets are for the rare people who are too cool to be too cool for school; if they skipped school, who would see their jean jackets?
It broke my brain, it broke my heart, He could not buy pants from the GAP. The tragic man who could not fart. The curious case of the assless chap.
5. Jean Jacques Rousseau: Let’s just say this Francophone Genevan philosopher had just enough “Jean” ne sais quoi to slide into the number one slot. Also I’m fucking out of jean jokes. —L. Koech
— A. Hoganson
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SWEATERS FOR LESSER-KNOWN HOLIDAYS Spring Clean Your Medicine Cabinet Day: The most important medical day of the year deserves a festive sweater. Make that a cardigan; this is a sophisticated holiday. In fact, you can even tape your expired pills and recalled medications to your cardigan like Christmas ornaments. That transvaginal mesh lawsuit gave you so much more than money and a safer solution to incontinence—you got yourself a one-of-akind holiday sweater embellishment. Avatar DVD release Anniversary: Why wear something Earth Day-themed when there’s so much more to celebrate on April 22nd? Commemorate the visual triumph that is the 2009 feature film Avatar with a sweater depicting one of those gratuitous forest panoramas and showcase your cinematic prowess and environmental wokeness. Red Ribbon Week: All you public school kids remember dressing up in red to show your support in the neverending battle against drug use. But why keep it symbolic? Take those drugs you vowed to never smoke, pop, snort, eat, drink or inject (not in the ingestive sense, of course) and hang them right there on your sweater. Wow. Tinsel ornaments and popcorn wreaths have nothing on you. Help Bail Out The Drug Lobby and James Cameron’s Career Day: Celebrate this holiday from home with a nice sweater commemorating that time you got your Avatar Blu-ray DVD for 50% off and also when you put those drugs on yourself. It combines everything you love about holiday sweaters: celebrating one of the most stunning cinematic masterpieces of all time and putting drugs on yourself. —M. Sanchez .
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PETA RESPONDS “WE TOLD YOU SO” AFTERANIMALS BEGIN WEARING HUMAN SKIN By L. KINGSLEY ANIMAL KINGDOM, EARTH—The world’s deadliest animals are gaining repute among the Animal Kingdom as the skin of their human prey has turned fashionable in many ecosystems. When asked by reporters for an official statement from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) on the crisis, President and Cofounder Ingrid Newkirk had one thing to say: “We told you so”. While poaching of humans rises globally, PETA members remain untouched despite equal proximity to predatory animals. PETA is known for animal rights advocacy, with a strong stance against the production of clothing from animal skins and furs. Newkirk continued, “Driving PETA’s mission has always been the underlying threat of animal uprising. We told you, you didn’t listen, and look what happened.” Wild animals entering urban regions have begun to recruit pets for their cause, sparking uprisings in city centers worldwide. Speaking before a rally consisting of thousands of New York City’s dogs, Sparky, a shih tzu draped in a cloak of his former owners’ pelts, impassionately exclaimed, “Grrr bark bark rrrruff grr!” which roughly translates to, “Finally our kind is free of the leashes that bound us, and our rage shall be felt to the ends of the earth! Also, can you believe how slimming this cloak is?” The current situation leaves the future of mankind in a very uncertain position. “Next thing you know, wealthy scientist beavers will not only be wearing human skin lab coats, but also dumping cosmetic products in human eyes just to see what happens,” added Newkirk. “This time, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.”
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“SAY YES TO THE DRESS” SPINOFFS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT TO AIR Say Okay to the Toupee Say At Least It Was Free to the Schwarzman Center Tee Say I Can’t Believe My Eyes! to the Pair of Durable, Skinny Fit Levi’s, cut for contemporary style and infused with stretch for extra mobility Say Those are the Bee’s Knees! to the Dungarees Say Life’s a Breeze! to the Dungarees Say Skippity-Bap-Doop-Dees! to the Dungarees Say Fuck Yes to the Dress (Like Say Yes to the Dress, but in Jersey) Say What’s Going On? to the Isotoner-Gloved Hands Curling Around Your Throat Say Please Randy Fenoli, Stop to the ImpeccablyDressed Host of Say Yes to the Dress, Randy Fenoli, as he eliminates the threat of a spinoff that would bleed his viewership Say Why, Cruel World? to the Jheri Curl — M. Blaney & M. Vasquez
IF HE’S NOT ON THIS LIST, HE’S NOT WEARING PANTS Roger Stephen (pronounced Steven) Carl Fidel Andy Marcus Stephen (pronounced Steffen) Kevin Shlomo Stephan Jerry Rod Stevelyn — H. Rubin SIX REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR MY KNIGHT ARMOR IN PUBLIC 1. It’s fashion-forward. Get it? Because the weight of the chestplate has given me crippling scoliosis. 2. It’s steel-plated exterior and leather insulation protect me from assault by mid- to long-ranged projectiles fired from slings and crossbows, DUH! 3. It has a collapsible lance-holder in front which can also be used to hold soft drinks for whenever I’m not in a lance-wielding mood. 4. It’s hilarious to watch the peasants shit their pants as I ride forth on my noble steed. 5. GOD, LARRY! I’m twenty-three, and I can wear my fricken armor if I fricken want! You’re not even my real dad! Just because you devote yourself entirely to my mom and give her infinitely more fulfilment than my dad ever did doesn’t mean you’re the boss of me! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I’m running away and never coming back and there’s no way you can stop me because I have enchanted boots that enhance my speed stat! 6. I swear it breathes better than cotton.
— P. Davis
— E. Fogarty
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HOW TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY Go to www.sears.com. Click on the search bar, type “washing machine,” and wait for the page to load. Look through the available washing machines and select the cheapest. Add it to your cart. Don’t close the tab! Go to www.bestbuy.com. Click on the search bar, type “washing machine,” and wait for the page to load. Click the “front loading” or “top loading” button based on your preference in how to load a machine. Look through the available washing machines and select the cheapest. Compare Sears’ cheapest washing machine with Best Buy’s cheapest washing machine. Open the calculator app on your phone. Type in the price of the Sears washing machine. Subtract the price of the Best Buy washing machine. If the result is positive, the Best Buy option is cheaper. Otherwise, the Sears option is cheaper. Purchase the cheaper washing machine. Remove the more expensice machine from your cart. Wait approximately 3 days for delivery. Use the washing machine to clean your clothes. — A. Ringlein THE ONLY FIVE INSTANCES WHEN WEARING CROCS IS INAPPROPRIATE. 1. At a Croc-fetish party you weren’t invited to 2. At a Florida Gators tailgate. It’s not called Croc-ade, dumbass. 3. When it’s not Croc o’clock 4. At Lyle the Crocodile’s funeral. That’s his family you insensitive fuck. You always do this! 5. You are President George W. Bush, wearing a pair of black crocs with black socks. You are a war monger. Show some goddamn respect. — G. Wynter
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FRANCINE, DON’T BEDAZZLE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER. NOT HERE. NOT NOW. You have tried my patience for some time now, Francine. First it was the acrylic paints in Grandpa Maurice’s toupee; next, the crayons in last month’s state ration of Nutrition Paste. Your acting out must come to an end. As our Great General has so often decreed, the tight bonds of kinship tying our community together mustn’t be besmirched by shameful blots of selfexpression. I am warning you, Francine. Your young hands have no place on the trigger of a bedazzling gun. You are lucky your father has not yet heard of your obstreperousness. He does not work long hours at the Butte of Six Despairs for you to commit such acts of recalcitrance. Do not make me raise my voice, Francine. You are clogging your little brother’s soft pores with corporate-manufactured microplastics. He will no longer be able to absorb oxygen through his moist, froglike skin. It is a shame, for that was his most endearing quality. I will not repeat myself again, Francine. In this household we raise our children to be dull and inert. We must be perfectly modest and modest in our perfection. Only then are we fit for the veneration of our Great General. Your brother now violates this rule, Francine. He is not modest, nor dull. He refracts light in a plethora of angles and is difficult to pin down. He is unpredictable. He stands out. He… he reminds me of myself… of how I once was… We are not safe, Francine. The use of your brother as an artistic medium brings danger to our household. His excessive sparkling has made us a target. But there is one thing they can never take. The one thing that can continue to sparkle, Francine, are your eyes. They can glimmer with the prospect of escape, glisten with the collective hope of our family and our people. For, try as the Great General and his army of cybernetically enhanced self-replicating war crabs might, they will never crush that dream. Never. —D. Schifrin
Open seven days a week
Lunch Dinner Late Night
Enjoy two large screen TVs in our back room!
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FASHION POLICE FTW! THE TSA JUST DETAINED THIS WOMAN FOR WEARING A WHITE HIJAB AFTER LABOR DAY In 2001, the TSA was created “to protect our nation’s transportation systems to ensure freedom of movement for people and commerce.” In the last seventeen years, though, they’ve come to embrace a new role: that of fashion police, asking travelers to remove outmoded religious accessories under the guise that these garments interfere with scanning procedures. And while the TSA is fine with liquid containers less than 3.4 ounces, there’s one thing they won’t tolerate: last season’s styles, a point they made perfectly clear last Tuesday when they detained a woman for wearing a white hijab nearly 7 months after labor day. Wow. When it comes to fashion, the TSA is not messing around. Aaleyah Syed, an esteemed lawyer born and raised in New York, thought she could slip past LaGuardia’s TSA authorities without them noticing the gaffe. But as soon as she reached security, she was taken aside for nearly forty-five minutes of secondary screening as officials tried to determine whether she was transgressing any other tenets of their style guide. They eventually took Aaleyah’s fashion into their own hands, asking her to remove several items of clothing that “obstructed their scanning devices.” So the machines worked just fine for the white woman in the Burberry coat, but suddenly they can’t see through Aaleyah’s linen hijab? Good try, TSA, but that excuse is almost as crazy as wearing linen in April. Now we know what you’re thinking: maybe the TSA gave Aaleyah a pass on the hijab and detained her for another reason. Nope. An X-ray of her bags revealed no illicit items and her passport was completely upto-date. Sounds like the TSA took one look at Aaleyah’s hijab and knew everything they needed to know. To Mrs. Syed’s credit, she knew exactly what was coming. She arrived at LaGuardia three hours in advance of her flight, knowing that she would likely be taken aside by TSA. In fact, this sort of private screening has “happened numerous times before” to the U.S. citizen with absolutely no criminal record; that is, in the eyes of the courts. When it comes to the rules of fashion, however, Aaleyah is a repeat offender that can’t learn a simple lesson: style faux-pas simply won’t fly with the TSA! — E. Connors
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TRENDS THIS ARTICLE WILL START Visibility cloaks, for die-hard Harry Potter fans who just want to be acknowledged in social settings Plastic surgery to replace feet with hooves, so as to embrace our mythic satyr roots Fuck it: how about two scarves at once? Sandals without socks Visors to accentuate your new perm Almost forgot: perms Really nice pants “Statement Zippers” or some shit like that Being really nice to the author of this article The Two-Eyed Monocle — A. Zbornak
—P. Davis
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Design: M. Vasquez Design: M. Abuzalaf
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MAN’S COWORKERS DISCOVER HE’S BEEN WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT FOR EIGHT YEARS By A. DALANIS STAMFORD, CT–Local accountant Thomas James shocked his friends and coworkers this Thursday when he revealed he has been wearing the same khaki pants and matching flannel shirt for the past eight years. 38-year-old James, who describes himself as a “solid five,” began wearing this outfit as a social experiment in 2010 to see if his coworkers actually paid attention to him. His initial plan was to wear it until someone noticed and then respond with, “Well, guess it’s laundry day for this guy.” James notes that he was disappointed by his colleagues’ negligence at first but ultimately came to realize just how practical his outfit was. “The khakis just camouflage right into the wall in the conference room where we have our meetings,” he said. “I can do basically anything, and no one will notice. Like a lizard.” James described the various clandestine activities he has performed, which range from “power naps to tequila shots and everything in between.” Ashley Evans, James’ 34-year-old coworker, said she was “not surprised” by his big reveal. She did not disclose the nature of her relationship with James, but characterized him as “a three at best.” “Like his face is so horribly disgusting that you don’t actually notice the clothes,” she clarified.
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FIVE FASHIONABLE PHRASES ENJOYED BY TODAY’S YOUTH 1. “Lumpy”: The youths use this word to express excitement about the release of new episodes of their absolute favorite television series, The Good Wife. 2. “Circumcise me daddy”: This is how the youths greet the waitstaff at their favorite food and beverage establishment, Carl’s Jr. 3.“Don’t take any wooden nickels, Steven”: This is how I tell Steven not to take any wooden nickels. He needs to be told because he is duller than a wooden nickel. 4. “The juice is loose”: Even such esteemed youthful slang experts as myself have trouble deciphering this jargon. Our leading theory is that the youths utilize this cryptic exclamation when they want to eat big drugs. 5. “Aren’t”: This is slang for “are not.” —H. Rubin AN INTERVIEW WITH THAT GUY IN THE WHITE SUIT The mysterious man in the white suit has been catching the eye of Yalies and New Haveners alike for nearly three years now. The Record sat down with this local character to talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. The Record: Nice to finally meet you, sir! We just have a few simple questions for you this afternoon. Let’s start with something simple: what’s your real name? That Guy In The White Suit: If you ask me another question I’m going to call the police. There you have it! Keep an eye out for more local profiles from America’s Oldest Humor Magazine! — J. Houston
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—P. Davis
H u nge r Dismised!
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THE TOP REASONS WHY MONOCLES ARE HOT RIGHT NOW The name Cornelius is back in style So you can look more like the Monopoly Man It’s good preparation for the Cyclopalypse Interchangeability Because your eyebrow deserves a platform Correction: the Monopoly Man does not actually wear a monocle Pirate shit —Staff
SALAD FASHION: WHAT YOUR CHOICE OF DRESSING SAYS ABOUT YOU Caesar: You have a great appreciation for Roman history. In your previous life, you were a classics major. (In this life, of course, you are a corporate sellout.) Country French: You are neither French nor from the countryside, having only known the primal ferocity that comes with clawing your way up the ladder. At least you have salad dressing to demonstrate your cultured tastes and rustic flair. Ranch: You’d rather be eating chicken wings with the ranch instead of salad, but a healthy body is the first step toward a healthy vendetta against your fellow man.
HOT TAKE!
Marsha’s new shoes aren’t even that cute.
Raspberry Vinaigrette: Even though you act like a basic bitch to your workplace associates, you don’t have the pH in your salad dressing to show for it. In fact, you apparently even have a touch of sweetness. Olive Oil: You are vegan, non-alcoholic, and suspiciously nice to those around you. Perhaps, deep down, you long for the finer things in life, free from the relentless struggle of the corporate sphere. Perhaps you long to escape, eschew the clutter of life and embrace the smooth, silky, olive-derived fluid left behind. Thousand Island: This dressing has a really grand name for no apparent reason. Similarly, you’re going to get a fantastic, highly competitive job for no apparent reason. At least, you hope so. —R. Mirchandani
NEW PIERCING IDEAS Cornea The squishy bit at the end of your elbow Cats’ ears Dogs’ ears Dog the Bounty Hunter’s ears Your roommate’s nose, in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping Apparently Dog the Bounty Hunter already has his ears pierced so, uhhh, like his lip maybe? Your third ear, hidden on your back (I know your secret, CARL) —M. Vasquez
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LISTEN UP, KIDS: I WORK MY ASS OFF SO YOU CAN LAND A MID-TIER INSTAGRAM MODELING CAMPAIGN Look, kids, I know it’s tough sometimes. Daddy works long hours, and travels a lot, and maybe he can’t always be there for your school recitals or whatever. But it’s important to remember why I’m doing this. All I’ve ever wanted is for my children to have the opportunity to follow their dreams. And if that means working 24/7 as an entertainment executive so that you kids can follow your hearts and become moderately successful Instagram influencers, so be it. Now, sweetie, don’t be upset. You have to understand that it’s not always easy for me. Sometimes, after the third private flight in a week, and the fourth sleepless night chasing another multi-million dollar advertising deal, I’m simply too exhausted to snort cocaine from between a bikini model’s tits with the guy who invented Evian mineral water. But I keep going, and I do it because I want you kids to have the opportunity to land a JC Penney catalog modelling gig and then finesse that into your own line of hair extensions sold exclusively through QVC. I grind so that you won’t have to, and more specifically so that you can forge your own path endorsing laxative teas on Instagram for six-figure checks. Sure, I have my doubts at times. But every time you give your old man a hug or say, “But Dad, Instagram and social media-based marketing in general is a hollow farce of consumer exploitation, plus I want to go to law school,” I remember why I do what I do. And I know one day when you book a gig as a celebrity DJ during spring break in Ibiza, or when you land that major magazine editorial off a book of awkward, limp-limbed photos that would get you sent home from any season of America’s Next Top Model, it’ll all be worth it. —M. Kreutter
ATYPICALLY TRENDY RESEARCHERS SPEND ENTIRE BUDGET AT ANTHROPOLOGIE By L. KINGSLEY NEW HAVEN, CT— A recent internal investigation of the Yale Anthropology Department revealed that the entirety of its 2018 budget was spent at national clothing retailer Anthropologie. Suspicions first arose after a recent spike in the faculty’s stylishness continued into a second week. “Something seemed fishy when my Archaeology professor wore a different floral jumpsuit to class every single day last week,” commented Anthropology major Janna Frieze ES ‘18. “But when she came in with a kente patterned sweater and neglected to acknowledge her act of appropriation, we knew something was really wrong.” After multiple reports from students addressing several professors, Anthropology Department Chair Anne Underhill opened an investigation into departmental behavior and discovered one very long receipt. An email sent to faculty demanded that all eligible clothing with tags be returned immediately. The root cause of the scandal has been identified as confusion over spelling, a skill that the department professors failed to learn while they spent their careers digging holes in the desert. Underhill offered a written apology to enrolled undergraduate and graduate students, citing the now limited available funding for student research. “We are working to get back to financial stability as soon we possiblie can.” Looking to the future, Underhill continued, “Rest assured, we are also arranging phonics training with the Linguistics Department to ensure that a travestie such as this will never happen again.”
he F a shion I ssue I ssue T he CTorporate A merica
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—M. Sanchez
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Writing: N. Ewing-Crystal Design: M. Sanchez
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HOW MUCH SKIN IS TOO MUCH SKIN?: TIPS TO HIDE THE 78-CENTIMETER SKIN TAG PROTRUDING FROM YOUR LOWER BACK
When it comes to fashion, today’s teens must often reconcile a desire to express their burgeoning sexuality with the conservative sensibilities of parents and employers. This tension leads to an age-old question that has puzzled designers for generations. And no, the question is not, “Can one wear a white-hued dress to one’s sister’s wedding if the shade is technically labeled ‘eggshell’ and not white?” the answer to which is of course, “Only if one wants to come off as a callous shrew.” The question is: How much skin is too much? As a fashion aficionado, this eternally perplexing epidermis question puts me in quite the sticky situation, both figuratively and literally. You see, I was born with a rather large, tacky skin tag, one that easily surpasses general conventionsof public exposure. I’m talking 78 whole centimeters of protuberance from the small of my back. Frankly, I’m ashamed of it and try to hide it at whatever cost. As a result, when people are censured for showing too much skin, it is difficult for me to stand up for them, both because it would be hypocritical and because the back flap essentially functions like an anchor. I have found that some clothing items are much more effective at hiding this fleshy faux-pas than others. For instance, pale-blue bonnets successfully hide one’s nub of shame, while transparent ponchos are not the best choice for this type of downpour. The traditional Equestrian tailcoat, the Shadbelly, is a suave and classy cover up, while a crop top is merely counterproductive. Whatever you do, do NOT try to accessorize your flap, because the body piercer will vomit on your unclothed tag in disgust, and heaven knows you won’t be able to easily reach that S.O.B. in the shower. Regardless of what you wear, make sure you feel confident in it. After all, that’s what fashion is all about, even if you technically have a tail by clinical consensus. —A. Zbornak
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POINT/COUNTERPOINT: BIG SHAQ’S “MAN’S NOT HOT” Point: Girl said take off your jacket, but I said man’s not hot. Man’s never hot, so man won’t be takin’ off his jacket. Man’s quite comfortable in the current temperature. Counterpoint: I’m sorry sir, but it is simply our vessel policy that you remove your three extra life jackets. Regardless of how comfortable you are in these climatic conditions, it is imperative that you share with the others on this lifeboat. As a 54-kilogram man, you need no more than one child-size jacket. Will you at least spare one jacket for your seven-year-old son, Tommy, who has been viciously thrown from the lifeboat and is flailing for dear life beneath the waves? If any man is not hot, it is surely Tommy, who is at this very moment suffering from hypothermia, submerged in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic. — H. Rubin
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Dear audience, The law says you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house. Sincerely, Matthew McConaughey
Dear Shirtless Sheriff, Are you a real shirtless sheriff or a fake shirtless sheriff? It’s difficult to tell given the context. Sincerely, Audience
Dear Matthew, Woooooh!
Dear audience, I am a fake shirtless sheriff, I apologize for the confusion. Sincerely, The Shirtless Sheriff
Sincerely, Audience members
Dear audience members, You are all complicit in criminal activity and are hereby under arrest! Sincerely, The Shirtless Sheriff
Dear Shirtless Sheriff, Cut! That isn’t in the script you piece of shit! Sincerely, Director Steven Soderberg
Dear Steven, The law says you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of law breakers up in this house, and by a lot I mean one. Please step away from the Shirtless Sheriff. There’s no need for violence. Please. Please... Sincerely, Matthew McConaughey
DON’T MEET YOUR HEROES: CHRIS PRATT TURNED OUT TO BE A TOTAL JERK WHEN I TRIED TO GIVE HIS SON A SURPRISE RIDE HOME FROM KINDERGARTEN
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Dear dental surgeon, I am tired of opening up. Sincerely, A pregnant schizophrenic with a tooth-ache
REPORT: IT’S OK THAT JACK WORE HIS LIGHT-UP SHOES FOR FREEZE TAG BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE’S COMPENSATING FOR HIS TINY PENIS.
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TYPICAL: JESUS’S PERFECT LIKENESS SHOWED UP IN MY DIARRHEA TEN SEPERATE TIMES IN A ROW BUT THEN WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND THE ONE TIME I EXCITEDLY SHIT ALL OVER MY PRIEST’S BEDROOM FLOOR
SPOILER ALERT: THIS MAYONNAISE HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUNTER FOR THREE WEEKS To my little dreidel I made you out of clay, But then I droppèd out of Hebrew school. And never I shall pray. Sincerely, Saul
— V. Liu
Who Wore It Best? O.J.’s Bloody Murder Glove Did defense attorney and Armenian guy Robert Kardashian wear it best? No, he died in ‘03.
Did the other defense attorney Alan Dershowitz, acclaimed constitutional and criminal lawyer, wear it best? No, he is a respected expert in the law and would not do that.
Did the other Robert defense attorney Rob Shapiro wear it best? It would Shappear-no.
Did John Travolta wear it best? No, because he is only an actor who played Rob Shapiro in the TV show and we already said that that guy did not wear the glove best. Did Aaron Hernandez wear it best? No, but good guess, seeing as he also murdered at least one person. Did The Lorax wear it best? No, that furry fucking beaver only has four fingers on each hand (three if we’re going by book canon). But God is it arousing when you’re watching the subpar movie adaptation and Danny DeVito bellows, “I’M THE GUAHDIAN OF THE FOAHREST.”
Did O.J. wear it best? Yes. —M. Abuzalaf & S. Hakani