The 2014 Freshman Issue

Vol. 143, No. 1

TH E YALE

Aug. 26, 2014

RECORD

YALE UNIVERSITY

JUDAIC STUDIES COURSES - FALL 2014 SEMESTER CORE COURSE JDST 200 Jewish History and Thought to Early Modern Times, Ivan Marcus TTh 11.35–12.50 ANCIENT PERIOD JDST 016 Authorship, Originality & Forgery, Hindy Najman MW 9am-10:15am JDST 110 The Bible, Christine Hayes MW 11.35-12.50 JDST 256 Dead Sea Scrolls: The Community Rule, Steven Fraade W 9:25am-11:15am JDST 392 Mishnah Seminar Tractate Rosh HaShanah, Steven Fraade Th 9:25am-11:15am MEDIEVAL & EARLY MODERN PERIOD JDST 270 Medieval Jews, Christians, and Muslims In Conversation, Ivan Marcus T 1:30pm-3:20pm MODERN PERIOD JDST 025, Intellectual and Cultural History of European Jewry, 1648–1933, David Sorkin MW 9.00-10.15am JDST 289 Representing the Holocaust, Maurice Samuels & Millicent Marcus TTh 2.30-3.45pm(& film screenings) JDST 332 Zionism, Elli Stern, MW 2:30pm-3:45pm (JDST 336) PHIL214 The Philosophies of Hegel and Schelling, Paul Franks MW 1.00-2.15 JDST 337 Same-Sex Love in Jewish History, Shaun Halper W 3.30-5.30 JDST 338 Beyond the God Hypothesis, Gabriel Citron M 3.30-5.20 JDST 340, Political History of European Jewry, 1589–1897, David Sorkin MW 1.30-2.20pm HEBREW LITERATURE & LANGUAGE HEBR 110 Elementary Modern Hebrew I, Ayala Dvoretzky M-F 10.30-11.20 or M-F 11.35-12.25 HEBR 117 Elementary Biblical Hebrew I, Jonathan Pomeranz TTh 11.35-12.50 HEBR 130 Intermediate Modern Hebrew I, Shiri Goren TTh 11.35-12.50 or TTh 4.00-5.15 JDST 321 Hebrew Modernist Poetry, Hannan Hever Th 3.30-5.20 JDST 323 State and Society in Israel, Dina Roginsky TTh 1.00-2.15 JDST 360 Hebrew in a Changing World, Dina Roginsky MW 1.00-2:15pm JDST 401 Academic Texts in Modern Hebrew, Dina Roginsky MW 2:30pm-3:45pm JDST 409 Conversational Hebrew: Israeli Media, Shiri Goren TTh 2:30pm-3:45pm GRADUATE COURSE JDST 651 Theories of Authorship & Canon, Hindy Najman & Irene Peirano T 1.30-3.20 JDST 652 Mutual Influences in Jewish, Pagan, Christian, Samaritan, and Muslim Art in the Southern Levant in Late Antiquity, Rina Talgam W 1.30-3.20 JDST 670 Intro to Pahlavi (Middle Persian), Oktor Skjaervo T 1.30-3.20 JDST 677 Marxism and Literature, Hannan Hever W 2.30-4.20 JDST 799 Religion& Performance of Space, Sally Promey & Margaret Olin M 3.30-5.20 Judaic Studies enables students to develop a substantial knowledge of the history, religion, literature, languages, and culture of the Jews. Jewish society, texts, ideologies, and institutions are examined in comparative perspective in the context of the history and culture of nations in which Jews have lived and created throughout the ages.

Please note that information on courses, including meeting days and times, is subject to revision. Students should check the on-line course information for the fullest and most accurate information

Program in Judaic Studies Yale University 451 College St., Rm. 301 New Haven, CT 06511 Tel – (203)432-0843, Fax – (203)432-4889 judaicstudies.yale.edu

The Yale Record FRESHMAN ISSUE

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Mailbags & Snews

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Editorial...................... S. Stern

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Shorts

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Features....................... I. Gonzalez J. Abolafia D. Klumpp E. Cambell-Taylor N. Warren M. Nobel N. Goel Shorts

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Mailbags & Snews

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JUDGE BANS COLLECTIVE GASPING FROM COURTROOM Dear pantyhose, What a pity. I imagined you to be a garden hose that spouted girls’ panties continuously. Sigh… I guess it’s back to stealing panties and blowing them out of a leafblower.

Sincerely, Dave Dear cleavage, Mind your own business—are you trying to ruin me?!

—A guy about to have the worst job interview of his life

FORREST GUMP’S LAST WORDS REVEALED: “LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES; SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY AND DIE”

Dear man yelling at me rapidly and angrily in Spanish, Fiesta. Piñata. Taco. Eva Longoria. I really hope one of those works.

Sinceramente, Jerry Dear John Schmidt, You’re half the man I’ll ever be.

—John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

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SIS HAS ENCOUNTERED THE FOLLOWING ERROR: THIS IS A MAGAZINE Dear laughter, Despite what detractors may say, studies show that I am in fact the best medicine.

—Medicine

Dear Abby, I’ve got so many problems. Yesterday I cut down this cherry tree, and I don’t know whether to tell the truth about it or not.

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Dear ranch dressing, cinnamon roll icing, and alfredo sauce, Will you please go to my girlfriend and submit yourselves as evidence that things really are better with white stuff spread all over them?

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Dear Literature, Enclosed is my Odyssey fanfiction.

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SCHIZOPHRENIC BUYS BLUETOOTH HEADSET TO AVOID AWKWARDNESS

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—Japanese tourist on Old Campus

TROOP LEADER TELLS GIRL SCOUTS THAT IF THEY CAN’T SELL ENOUGH COOKIES, THEY WILL HAVE TO ENGAGE IN “OTHER” MEANS OF FUNDRAISING Dear Dr. Applebaum, My mommy wants me to study a lot every day, but sometimes it feels like my brain is sooo full! Can your brain ever actually be full?

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SOPHOMORE DECLARES MAJOR, SEXUALITY Dear viewers, Butterfly in the sky I can get twice as high.

Just take a drag along you tag with me to Reading Rainbow.

—LeVar Burton smoking a reefer

BROS BEFORE HOES, ENGLISH DICTIONARY INSISTS

Dear Doctor Who, So you got your good ratings by being a show about a guy who travels through time and space and helps people. I bet I can use that same basic concept and get even better ratings.

—Trixie Turnblad’s Time-Traveling Titties

Dear cars behind and in front of me, Like, omigod. I am soooooooo sorry.

—Teen learning to parallel park

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Dear Sprinkles, the 4th grade class hamster, I will destroy you if it’s the last goddamn thing I do.

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GIRLFRIEND GOES THERE Dear Yale a cappella groups, So, I love your music and all, and I think the fact that you’re singing in random spots around campus to try to recruit freshmen is really cool, but could you at least serenade me from the next stall over?

—Maggie Beluni, TD ’17 who just wanted to use the bathroom, for God’s sake

JESSICA SIMPSON SUES TABLOID FOR NOT PHOTOSHOPPING PICTURE ENOUGH Dear Fro-Yo, It appears the better abbreviation won. Congratulations.

Dejectedly, Zen-Gurt

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Dear stormy oceans, That’s it. You’re off the Christmas cards.

—The Spanish armada

YELLING, “ROADTRIP!” GETS OLD FIVE MINUTES BEFORE REACHING HIGHWAY Dear American public, I haven’t failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways not to create a light bulb. And at least a dozen of them are fantastic sex toys, so honestly, I’d call that a success!

—Thomas Edison

TSA DISCOVERS MAN ATTEMPTING TO BOARD PLANE WHILE WEARING TURBAN

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Dear Class of 2018: Wow, congratulations! You’re so smart! et’s be real: You’ve heard that before. Everyone from the guy who cuts your hair to your weird bald uncle who covets your hair to your endearingly hairless sidekick was super impressed that you got into Yale. Eyebrows were raised. They might even have written a USA Today article about you. But no, I’m not congratulating you on getting into Yale. I’m congratulating you on being one of the few, the proud, to pick up a copy of The Yale Record.

Thank you. Just…thank you.

Times have been tough in the print magazine business. Ever hear of a little rag called Newsweek? U.S. News and World Report? O: The Oprah Magazine? All dead and gone.

(Ok, the demise of that last magazine might be a little wishful thinking. But come on, how many shades of purple can one woman wear?)

I’m not saying The Yale Record isn’t better than Newsweek, but we’re not that much better.

So, we had to come up with a strategy to succeed. To stay ahead. To burn our enemies’ crops and salt their fields with the brine of their children’s tears. (Watch yourselves, Yale Politic.) Here it is: First, we thank our brave readers for venturing into unchartered waters and picking up our little ole magazine while waiting outside the Trumbull dining hall for their constantly late roommate. (Check!) Then we subtly compliment them. (Check!) Then, we reveal to them our anxieties and innermost secrets. (Check!) Then we recruit them. Then we steal their identities.

But before we get to that last step, let’s review a few facts about The Yale Record and why it may or may not change your life forever. Are we the world’s oldest continuously running

T he F reshman I ssue

humor magazine? Yes! (Actually, though…look it up.) Are we full of hot singles just looking for a little companionship? Maaaybe.

Do we come out with fresh and original and sidesplittingly funny content approximately once a month? Why yes!

More importantly, we can answer some of your most pressing questions. Yes, the New Haven squirrels are a special crossbreed of rat and fox that are slowly taking over L-Dub one fetid freshman corpse at a time. Also, yes, that was David Brooks you just saw walking across Cross Campus; he hangs out here a lot because he’s lonely and insecure and likes white people. And no, contrary to what you may have heard, President Salovey didn’t co-star as Boots in the surprisingly edgy direct-to-video cult classic, Dora The Explorer VII: Aquí en College. (What a random rumor we’ve totally heard before!)

In addition to answering your questions, we here at The Record can also help you pick the best classes! First and foremost, yes, orgo is super fun. Chill, relaxing, a good fifth class. Especially if you’re taking DS. Speaking of which, take DS! Why, you ask? Well, as the muse says, DS stands for “Directed Stud-ies,” so obviously all the best-looking people on campus do DS. Those fierce, fetching studs will be all over you like Clytemnestra on Agamemnon, amirite?

But the most important wisdom The Record can implant in your tender, supple brains is this: there is free candy and ice cream

Aaron Gertler ’15 Chairman

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in the Chaplain’s Office. Like, every day. Free. As in, you walk into Bingham, head down into the basement, meander into the Chaplain’s Office, smile at the person at the desk, and then scoop three fistfuls of Swedish Fish into your backpack.

Well, there it is. You now have everything you need to be a productive member of the Yale community—except for one thing.

And that thing is joy in your heart. If you want that, I guess there’s only one thing you can do. Join The Yale Record—write some hilarious pieces, illustrate some awesome art, or design some awesome, uh, designs. We meet every Monday at 9:00 pm in LC 209—the best room in all of LC, nbd. To get on the panlist, just email our illustrious Staff Director at staffdirector@yalerecord.com If you’re into filming videos, we’ve got that too! If master’s teas are your thing, you might be interested in some of our past guests, who have included writers for SNL, the cartoon director of the New Yorker, and…whatshisface, you know, from TV…oh yeah: Alec Baldwin. And if you want to perform standup comedy, surely you’ll want to check out our standup arm, the Cucumber. For that, or for gourd-based recipes, email our famed Cucumber Director at samuel.savitz@yale.edu. Even if you’re not sure you want to join, please come by and give it a try! We’d love to meet you! And we’re totally not trying to steal your identity.

—S. Stern Editor-in-Chief

Scott Stern ’15 Editor-in-Chief

Nick Goel ’16 Publisher

Natalie Warren ’17 Art Director

Sam Savitz ’17 Business Manager and Director of the Cucumber

Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor

Ian Gonzalez ’16 Managing Editor

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Managing Editor

Ben Rudeen ’17 Managing Editor

Sahil Gupta ’17 Online Editor

Zach Schloss ’15 Publicity Manager

Ethan Cambell-Taylor ’16 Staff Director

Ben Garfinkel ’16 Supplementals Editor

Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers:

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers:

Max Goldberg ‘17, Mikayla Harris ‘17, Victoria Kim ‘15, Rachel Lackner ‘17, Tom McCoy ‘17, Elizabeth Miles ‘17, Isaac Morrier ‘17, Travis Reginal ‘16, Harrison Schneider ‘17, Lining Wang ‘15, Madeleine Witt ‘15, Sylvia Zhang ‘15, Claire Zhang ‘15

Jacob Abolafia ‘10, Serena Gelb ‘15, David Klumpp ‘10, Sydney Shea ‘14, Karen Tian ‘15

Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, John Michael Thornton, and our dearly departed Dick “Richard” Levin Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Karen Tian ‘15, who absolutely loves receiving desperate emails/calls/pigeons from Scott at all hours of the day and night Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIII, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2013 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

CAMPUS CLUBS AND THEIR METHODS OF ATTRACTING NEW MEMBERS

W

elcome to Yale! Freshmen, have you been to the extracurricular bazaar? If you made it out alive, have you recovered from the PTSD? (If so, teach me your ways.) Need more flyers to cover another wall of your room? Instead of killing another forest, try out some of Yale’s hottest clubs’ desperate attempts to recruit you into their ranks.

YPU: Want to be the next George W. Bush? Wait, this is a northeast liberal arts school; want to THROW A WASP’S NEST AT the next George W. Bush? Try the Yale Political Union’s Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in the favor of the loudest, most opinionated person here.

FDA: If you want even more conflict, head over to the Freestyle Dueling Association’s Game of Thrones viewing—and reenactment! (Loss of limb waiver required. The FDA claims no responsibility for any and all spoilers.)

SKULL AND BONES: Heard of Skull and Bones?

Heard about their CRAZY freshman recruiting activities? Great, because we have no idea.

YSECS: What do you think they’re doing? Get your mind out of the gutter. My mind needs some more space in there.

YALE UNDERGRADUATE CONSULTING GROUP: YUCG will hold a seminar entitled “Selling Your Soul: Should you accept stock options or only cash?” in WLH 004. On your way out, the Conservative Party will be handing out briefcases of money and small idols of Ayn Rand.

VENTURES IN SCIENCE: Curious about Ventures in Science? Sorry, members won’t be leaving the Hill. Head on over if you have a healthy sense of adventure, and an equally healthy willingness to eat crappy KBT café food for the next four years.

A CAPELLA: On Old Campus, members of Yale’s fifteen (official) a cappella groups will be wandering around yelling “DO YOU SING?! YES, YOU! YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD NO, I MEAN YOU!” at passersby while attempting to retain their sense of personal dignity.

GUILD OF BOOKMAKERS: The GOB will be holding a joint event on “Teaching Outdated Hobbies” with the League of Jousters, the Association of Quill Pen Afficionados, and Ye Olde Smithing Society.

YALE FOOTBALL: Yale football will host a simple throwing and catching test on Old Campus. Everyone’s a winner. They might even put you in against Harvard.

—E. Miles

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FRESHMAN PREORIENTATION PROGRAMS DESCRIBED BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T DO THEM FOOT: What better way to meet your new classmates than by touching their feet a lot! Get to know your future friends from the bottom up through FOOT, one of Yale’s two podiatry-themed freshman preorientation programs.

However, it’s not for everyone, because I think it’s only for people with one foot. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s also pirate-themed.

CC: From looking at pictures of CC, you might think that it’s simply a program designed to promote discussion about culture and race in today’s society. But you would be wrong. CC stands for College Confidential. Spend five days creating unrealistic expectations for next year’s applying seniors by posting every minute, inflated detail about your high school experience on the Internet. Plus you get to move in early. I think.

FOOLPROOF CAMP YALE PICK-UP LINES What’s your name?

I already took all the condoms from the first floor.

I already took all the condoms from the second floor too, just in case.

Are there condoms on the third floor? I’ll check.

Where are you from?

We should go to New York City like every weekend because it’s so close.

Your ID photo is both flattering and reflective of the way you look in real life.

Is it just me or is Woolsey Hall getting hotter?

Please help me find a way out of Woolsey Hall before I drown in a pool of my own sweat and the sweat of my amazing peers.

TD is so far away! Saybrook’s food sucks! We’re so Yale!!

The line for the post office isn’t the only thing that’s long… …the line for Commons lunch is also very long.

What’s your major?

Do you want a free t-shirt?

—M. Kaplan

Harvest: Even before you step onto campus, Yale has already done a lot for you. Harvest is your chance to give back. How, you ask? Yale needs your organs. All of them.

Spend five days in a bathtub full of ice as New Haven high school students take out all of your major organs, and even some minor ones, too. Described by students as “Ow,” “How is this legal,” and “This is the wrong type of farming,” you are (probably) guaranteed to make it out alive. It will leave a lasting mark on your life. And your body.

OIS: The Orientation for Internet Stalking. Spend four days learning everything about your future classmates.

Everything. When they arrive on campus, they will appreciate a group of people that know intimate details about their life. Learn such useful skills as “typing their name into Google and looking with your eyes at what comes up” and “Facebook.”

CAMP: Current Applications in Medical Podiatry. This is the other podiatry-themed preorientation program.

—B. Rudeen and C. Rudeen

“I’m so drunk,” Reports Drunk Freshman Freshman Dylan Franco, SY ’18, has officially confirmed that this Saturday evening at the SAE fraternity house he was heavily intoxicated for at least an hour. Experts at the Yale School of Medicine report that the most likely cause of the intoxication was “[a shit-ton of] alcohol…[what a cool bro].”

“I’m so drunk,” Franco told the News.

“I’ve never been this drunk before.” Upon further questioning, he revealed the cocktail of “hardcore” drinks that had caused his current state of inebriation.

“Back at the pregame I blasted at least four Mike’s Hards,” he said, using a really cool nickname for the popular beverage. “Then I pounded like three shots. It’s been awhile since then and I think it’s all hitting me right now, full force. This is crazy.”

Sources close to Franco corroborated some parts of his story, though there was some dispute over a few details.

“Yeah, he’s been going pretty hard,” said Timmy Haskell, JE ’18, who claimed

to be “best friends” with Dylan despite not knowing his last name or what college he was in. “Def [sic] not as hard as me though. But I’m not drunk – my tolerance is sooooo high. Can you include that in the article?”

Timmy

Dylan

Tolerance

BY IAN GONZALEZ STAFF REPORTER

DATA VIA TIMMY HASKELL

Another friend of Franco’s, Brian Cohen, TD ’18, claimed that there was “no way he downed three shots” and went so far as to claim that Franco was not, in fact, drunk.

“He’s got to be faking,” said Cohen.

“No one gets drunk that easily. Just now

he told me he was ‘definitely blackout’ – I don’t think he’s ever even been blackout before, so how would he know?” Cohen went on to add that, for the record, he had blacked out a “bunch of times.”

After hearing those accusations, Dylan became irate and told the News that he would prove how drunk he was by doing a kegstand. He immediately approached one of the party’s main kegs and leapt on top of it triumphantly, explaining that “a non-drunk person would never be willing to do a kegstand this awesome,” before falling off the keg and being physically removed from the premises.

When asked for comment, President Peter Salovey declined to speak in person on the matter but reminded the News in an email that official University policy considers anyone who gets drunk on less than four shots to be “bitchly” and also expressed his sincerest hope that “someone drew all over his face if he passed out somewhere.”

Contact IAN GONZALEZ at join@yalerecord.com

MASSIVE BEAR ATTAC Sixteen Freshmen Injur

BY LITTLE JIMMY INJURED FRESHMAN

Yesterday, a 1,600 pound grizzly bear barreled through Old Campus, indefinitely suspending Camp Yale activities.

“I was surprised it knew which way to open the gate,” said Jeffrey Hopkins MC ’18, “I still don’t know how to fucking open those.”

Others say

Yale Police were quick spond but they were no m the wild Connecticut Gr Police deployed tasers used against drunk fresh

I was bleeding couldn’t breath

got me horny.

Yale University

FREQUENTLY A SKED QUESTIONS

1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams?

Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses?

2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs?

Former Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team.

3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research?

Independent research is an integral part of a Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance.

4. What should I buy for my room?

The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as a couch, a TV, and diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time.

5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year?

While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring!

6. What is the average class size?

“Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my Intro to English Writing seminar?” the answer is no.

7. Do Yale students study abroad?

Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border.

8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students?

Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately.

9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones?

Why yes!

10. How can I make friends at Yale?

Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center.

—J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp

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EZRA STILES MORSE: A DEBATABLY HAPPY ACCIDENT

HOWE S TREET

Most people believe that the unusual design of these twin colleges, which almost entirely lack right angles, was the result of architect Eero Saarinen being all cutting-edge and modern. In actuality, the contractors hired to build Stiles and Morse were just terrible at reading blueprints. It’s miraculous that the buildings didn’t collapse immediately after construction.

The colleges were recently renovated in a desperate attempt to correct this wonkiness; unfortunately, Yale accidentally hired the same contractors as before, so the strange angles are more pronounced than ever. However, no one is allowed to complain about this since the buildings won some architecture award in 2011.

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HARKNESS TOWER: THE SOLE REMNANT OF YALE’S SHORT-LIVED AND ILL-ADVISED SPACE PROGRAM

Harkness Tower was originally intended to be the first vehicle to take humans to Mars. The rocket was fully functional and ready for liftoff, but some killjoy pointed out that the heat from the launch would have incinerated all of Old Campus. After much discussion by the administration and some whining by current freshmen, the project was discontinued. A number of disgruntled, wealthy aeronautics students then founded the Carillonneurs specifically to annoy everyone within two blocks of the tower.

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GROVE

COMMONS: WARTIME BUNKER TURNED DINING ESTABLISHMENT

In the midst of a series of Viking attacks in the early 20th century, Yale decided to build a shelter to which people could retreat until the raiders had cleared out. After the last of these invasions (during the reign of Erik the Crimson), this shelter was converted into Commons dining hall. It still retains a number of handy siege features, including blast walls, boiling tar, and endless pizza. To this day, no students of Scandinavian descent may eat there.

BASS LIBRARY: A SUBTERRANEAN WELLSPRING OF KNOWLEDGE, NOW RID OF MOLE PEOPLE

COLLEG

E STRE ET

CONNECTICUT HALL: THE OLDEST MAN MADE STRUCTURE IN THE WORLD

This ancient building is arguably the least-understood site on campus. Leading anthropologists are certain it was built by humans, but carbon dating suggests the structure dates back to the late Triassic Period. Its current inhabitant, the philosophy department, was created solely to speculate as to the identity of the time-traveler responsible.

The prevailing theory claims that it was either Bill Clinton, Nathan Hale, or both, though this idea has caused much dissent among the faculty.

STREET CHURCH T E M PL E S T R EET

In ancient days, Bass actually sat above ground. But one fateful day, a massive earthquake struck Yale’s campus and caused the entire library to sink into the abyssal depths.

Once it had settled, mole people colonized the building and developed the Dewey Decimal System. Eventually, Yale maintenance drove out the wretched vermin, and humans adopted their great invention for organizational purposes. Fun fact: no one knows if this studying hotspot was named for the fish or the rock instrument.

WALL S TREET

TRUE HISTORIES OF YALE BUILDINGS WRITTEN BY E. CAMPBELL-TAYLOR

ILLUSTRATED AND DESIGNED BY S. SHEA

Safety Guide for the Class of 2018 Welcome to Yale College! Your four years at Yale may be the “best four years of your life” (after which real life will be “a huge disappointment”), but this time is also full of unforeseen dangers.

This handbook will help you stay healthy and safe during your time at Yale.

Best wishes, Marichal Gentry Dean of Student Affairs

Alcohol and Drugs It’s your own responsibility to keep yourself safe around alcohol and drugs at Yale, but should you or a friend need free food in case of hunger during an alcohol- or drug-related situation, your freshman counselors will be happy to provide you with fancy snacks purchased during trips abroad. In case of a more serious problem, Yale Health is located just 2.4 miles away from most freshman housing (but it can seem a lot farther when you’re tripping on acid, so plan accordingly).

Walking Around Campus The rules of campus safety are simple: Don’t walk at night. Don’t feed the wildlife. Don’t make eye contact with anyone holding flyers or a poster. Don’t make eye contact with anyone else, either. Don’t hug your friends during flu season. Don’t hug your friends if they have pinkeye. Don’t hug your friends ever. Wear sturdy shoes. Don’t text and walk. Don’t talk and walk. Don’t chew gum and walk. Just be very careful, and you’ll be fine.

Residential Life It is Yale College policy that no undergraduate student should have to participate in manual labor of any kind, because this could result in injury or degradation of the elite. However, should you wish to tidy up your suite, Yale respects your right to clean in private. Should you accidentally disturb a cockroach nest while cleaning, please curl into a ball, protect your face with your arms, and scream loudly to alert your suitemates. The best way to kill a cockroach is to microwave it on HIGH for 5-7 seconds, after which the odor of burning exoskeleton will probably drive away all its brethren. Make sure to thoroughly sterilize your microwave oven after extermination.

Studying Studying is statistically the most popular activity at Yale, besides a cappella and drinking. It is also the most dangerous. Over 99.9% of Yale students suffer from studying-related disorders, including: • • • • •

Eyestrain The Midterm Crazies Finals-Period Depression Late Night Zombie-Eyes Syndrome (LNZES) Paper cuts

Paper cuts are no laughing matter. If you get a paper cut, do not go to Yale Health, as you will probably bleed out before you can receive care. Instead, immediately cover the affected area with sterile gauze (Starbucks napkins or original manuscripts from Beinecke will also work in a pinch).

Sleep Yale Health recommends that you sleep at least once a week. The ideal location for sound sleep is a bed (yours or someone else’s), but there are a variety of other suitable locations, including futons, the ground, and the American Studies Reading Room on the sixth floor of Sterling Memorial Library.

Food and Cooking Cooking your own food can be satisfying, but constant vigilance is required to protect yourself from danger in the kitchen. Your top priority should be avoiding steam burns (which can leave you horribly disfigured, thereby reducing your employability). There are, however, other risks to consider.

Be very careful when using knives in the kitchen. Never attempt to grab a knife from anyone, even if they’re cutting a large slice of birthday cake when you only wanted a very small piece, and you just know they’re trying to fatten you up so they can steal your boyfriend. Don’t chop onions near your eyes, because your tears might fall into a hot frying pan, resulting in steam burns.

Please also be aware of the risks inherent to most food: Raw cookie dough can give you salmonella.

Ramen noodles cause coronary disease. Anything containing “cheesy flavored sauce” or “pasteurized prepared American cheese food product” will probably give you an insidious cancer that will eat your brain, emotionally ravage your loved ones, and slowly reduce you to an emaciated husk of a person until you die of shock upon reading your chemotherapy bills.

Finally, please be cognizant of your fellow students when baking marijuana brownies. The fumes can be quite pungent, and the ensuing stampede tends to result in injuries.

by N. Warren Design: I. Morrier

Guide to Drunk New Haven Dining Zagat has selected the best drunk dining restaurants in New Haven based on our most recent survey. This list includes the top rated drunk dining New Haven restaurants as listed in our Connecticut guide.

Alpha Delta

15

5

10

$10

Described by customers as “wenzel,” “wenzel,” and “wenzel,” Alpha Delta is known for its classic sandwiches. But don’t ignore the “sickened” atmosphere, which is “like a hangover for your eyes.” The delivery, on the other hand, “still isn’t here, what the fuck?”, although some argue “Dude, you just ordered it like five minutes ago!”

Yorkside

20

15

15

$8

With pizza described as “not the worst” and “Did you know they serve Greek food here too?”, Yorkside is a popular destination among Yalies at all hours. However, make sure to stop by on a weekend after nearby Toad’s closes, in order to watch the parade of “naked” and “stumbling” QPac girls, who make sure to stop by a restaurant they call “Oh, God, it’s so warm in here”, “I’m starving”, and “Where am I?”

Something You Make Yourself

5

n/a

self

$3

You can’t beat the convenience of “Fuck it, let’s just make something here,” but it’s important to consider the risks, because “What do we have to make anything out of?” The innovative chef, you, has been known to “just throw everything together” and, many say, “it’ll be great.” Remember, though, you don’t have a car on campus, so “maybe don’t start any fires.” Beyond that, options abound, as long as you’re willing to find out the answer to questions like “Do Parmesan and hot sauce go together?” You may regret it in the morning, but it’ll have you saying “Oh man, this is so good, why have we never thought of this before?” all night.

Gourmet Heaven

15

15

self

$20

Most great New Haven nights include the phrase “Let’s go to G-Heav.” And there’s good reason; whether you want a “Bacon Egg Cheese”, a “fucking” Philly Cheesesteak, or “one of those weird fucking foreign candies that’s like kiwi or some shit,” you can’t go wrong. Plus, it’s hard to beat the convivial atmosphere, as you can expect to see “everybody I know” if you go at two in the morning. Be prepared to spend big though, as “this shit is expensive as shit”.

An Entire Bag of Chips

5

n/a

self

Found in the back of the cabinets where “I totally forgot I had this bag of chips,” nothing turns around a sad and drunken evening like plowing into these chips, which are “so good.” Frequent eaters warn, “I probably shouldn’t eat this whole bag” and “Oh man, I’m so fucking full,” but, given that they say it through a mouthful of chips, take it with a grain of salt (Get it?). Still, if you’re looking for healthier options, be sure to try to “share some of those fucking chips, Brad.”

Written by M. Nobel - Designed by S. Shea

$1

Lorem ipsum solar dit emet abc filler t but Saybrook freshmen continue to insist their innocence.

“We didn’t know who’s mustache it was,” explained Laura Niddle SY ’18, “most of us didn’t even think it was a mustache.”

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Point, Counterpoint: Camp Yale POINT:

COUNTER-POINT:

I’m a new freshman and Yale is pretty cool

OH MY GOD YALE IS PERFECT

I got back from FOOT a few days ago, and so far Yale is pretty cool. Firstly, I like all my classes. I have a few really big lectures that’ll probably take some getting used to, but I also got into this really interesting Freshman Seminar. It was actually my third choice, but the professor seems like a nice guy.

I also like my suitemates. One of them came here all the way from Guangzhou, China, and I’m not sure he speaks English that well. I’m sure we’ll all be really tight by the end of the year.

Yesterday we went this reception at the Master’s House, and that was great. It seems like Trumbull has some really nice facilities. The upperclassmen keep saying that it’s the best college, but I’m pretty sure that everyone says that about their college, which is kind of funny.

Overall, Yale seems like a good school and I’m sure I’ll enjoy my time here.

I arrived at Yale 36 hours ago, and it has been the most stimulating experience of my mortal life.

First of all, I absolutely love all of my classes. They challenge me to think in new ways and provide an outlet for my unbridled curiosity. Like earlier today I was “shopping” a course called Introduction to Psychology, when the Brooks and Suzanne Ragen Professor of Cognitive Science Marvin Chun showed us all a picture of a cup that looked kind of like two people’s faces. Before he could even say anything, me and my new lifelong friend Jessie turned to each other and were just like HOLY CRAP THAT’S WHY I CHOSE YALE. I also love my suitemates. They’re basically the most diverse, athletic, intelligent, diverse and motivated people I’ve ever met. For example, we were all talking on the first night, and it turns out that my roommate founded this startup that provides low-cost technical support to children in Malawi. Like seriously? I live with this kid.

After that I went for a solitary walk with 11 of my new friends just so I could better absorb the timeless beauty of the Elm City. While I sat cross-legged in the center of the Women’s Table, I thought of all of my forbearers who had sacrificed so much to make this opportunity possible. Then I realized that Rudolf Von Catsup, the world-renowned tree whisperer from the 18th century (and like my freakin’ idol) had totally sat in this exact

same spot years before me. Needless to say, I ejaculated on site—right before uploading 84 photos to a Facebook album called Boola Boola, Bow Wow Wow. That almost made me late for the tour of my residential college—which was everything I had hoped for and more. I was so excited that afterward I ran back to my suite and memorized the entire Wikipedia page of John C. Calhoun. I had never thought of slavery in that way before.

It looks like this place really is going to broaden my horizons.

On the whole, I would say that during my short time in New Haven I have come to view Yale as a place of Divine Sanctity, forever shimmering in a brilliant aura of prestige and veritas. For it is now clear that I have been chosen by the Hands of Our Creator from the nameless, faceless masses—charged with carrying on this centuries-old tradition. It is a burden that weighs deeply on my soul. It is to this end that I will stay up Bluebooking until 4am tonight, narrowing down Yale’s 2,000+ course offerings (wow!) into the 14.5 credits I will be taking this semester.

P.S. Oh, and I literally have like no idea how I’m going to explain all this to my friends from back home. I mean, Oregon State is a good school and all, but holy freakin’ wow I go to Yale!!!<3<3<3 o.O

Contact NICK GOEL at join@yalerecord.com

T he Y ale R ecord

20

THE RECORD’S GUIDE TO BUILDING ABBREVIATIONS

3 raw avocados 3 rotten avocados 4 “crisp” “chicken tenders” and 1 mouthful of mushrooms 2 high fives from the ghost of Little Timmy, who stood in line for 80 years 3 whole boxes of Trojans A shirt that says, “I went to Durfee’s Sweet Shoppe and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt” A shirt that says, “I went to Durfee’s Sweat Shop and Someone Please Help Me Get the Fuck Out of Here” 1 tube of Lubriderm Super-Moisturizing Lotion and 10 Kleenex tissues A container of vaguely ethnic noodles 16 Lindt chocolates and 2 love handles 2 congealed Frappuccinos and 1 travel pack of Tums 8 Gala apples on ’roids A quarter of a Caesar salad dressed with strands of Peter Salovey’s mustache A smile from the Durfee’s lady, but only on Thursdays and Fridays 1 empty stomach —S. Gupta

WLH: William L. Harkness Hall HLH: Hillhouse Avenue LWH: Lanman-Wright Hall HWL: “Howl,” a poem by Allen Ginsburg HLW: The word “hello”, pronounced without vowels WLH2: The alternate-universe William L. Harkness Hall in the timeline where you went to Cornell instead WLH2O: William L. Harkness Hall when the roof leaks WWW: World Wide Web WHHW: Wait, hold on—I thought this was the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project, but that isn’t enough letters. What the hell is this?

S. Gelb

WHAT YOUR DURFEE’S SWIPE CAN BUY YOU

How to Spot an Over-Eager Roommate

—A. Gertler

WAYS YALE ISN’T HOGWARTS Our sweet shop has overpriced Greek yogurt and condoms instead of Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Beans 50% of the school is Draco Malfoy, judging by their race and class sensitivity Instead of the Forbidden Forest, we have Beyond Popeye’s Your shower pipes are basilisk-free but full of cockroaches Every college is Ravenclaw (except for TD, which is Hufflepuff) Having owl post would improve the efficiency of our mail system You don’t sit with the members of your house in the Great Hall, you sit alone with your laptop All of our houses/colleges are named after racists, not just one The shadowy figures using the skull symbol take over the government by legitimate, democratic means —S. Savitz and N. Warren

T he F reshman I ssue

21

A LETTER FROM PETER SALOVEY’S MUSTACHE Hello,

My name is Bill. I am a mustache. You do not know me, or anything about me. That will change. Google Peter Salovey, pre-2009. Go ahead, do it. I’ll wait. Yup. That’s me right there, reclining above his upper lip like a New Zealand fur seal.

You might recognize the man standing behind me as Yale’s President. The same dude that you, following the total obedience to authority that got you to Yale, stood in line for an hour to exchange a quick “Hello.” You probably think that my presence would have made the long wait worth it. You’re right. So your next logical thought is likely, “Why would anyone get rid of such glorious whiskers?” Well, I got shaved after getting a little too drunk at the faculty Christmas party and allegedly sexually harassing a handlebar mustache. Allegedly.

But that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened to me. You will be amazed at the shit you can get into once you leave the stuffy world of academia. I snuck into the basement at 138 Hillhouse, hijacked the Skull and Bones Time Machine, and before long I had appeared in over 4,300 pornos during the 1970’s. I used that as seed money to form the nation’s third and eventually eleventh-largest talent agency, representing everyone from Hulk Hogan and Burt Reynolds to Albert Einstein’s ghost. It was an incredible six years. But in the post-cocaine late 80’s, the business started to tank. I abandoned ship before the SEC discovered that for a few years I misappropriated all that “Movember” money.

I’ve been drifting since then. At first, I told people that I was taking my own version of a “gap year.” But then one year turns in to two, which turns into three, and before you know it you’re greying at the edges. Which brings me to the real reason for this letter. Catch my one man-show at the Yale Rep. Tickets for “Dude That’s My ‘Stache” go on sale September 11. Sorry if that was too much shameless self-promotion for you, but this is Yale. If you aren’t into shameless self-promotion, it’s gonna be a long four years.

If you want to reach me, I’ll be staying in an apartment on Chapel with Marichal Gentry’s hair.

Yours truly,

Bill the Mustache, GRD ’84, RN ’83, LMNOP ‘ 86, XXX ‘69 —H. Schneider

22

T he Y ale R ecord

MY FIRST TIME AT TOAD’S

W

ell, gosh, this isn’t so bad. What’s everyone talking about, anyway? Sure, those people outside are a little…different. So many glittery white girls in high heels and guys with unusual tattoos—it looks just like that nightmare I had about prom. And waiting in line wasn’t exactly a dream—it smelled like cigarettes and I don’t even know what. But, hey, I’m actually here. I made it. I’m here at Toad’s!

Yesterday, six of my closest friends and I decided tonight was going to be the night. Saturday Night Toad’s.

We all got super “smashed” in Bingham; well, I actually only had a few sips of Keystone, but maybe I’m “buzzed,” you know? I’m theoretically approaching “hammered” or “shwasted” or something.

We’re all dressed up—I’m wearing a polo shirt (tucked in, of course) and my most sensible shoes. We stroll into Toad’s like nobody’s business. I’m secretly petrified, but I’m a good actor—the picture of cool. Wow, that stage is pretty big, isn’t it? I hear some rap music on—it sounds like P. Diddly or someone. How exciting!

Hmm, I expected to see a bit more frog paraphernalia, but I guess that’s just one of life’s little mysteries. Gee, so many grimy people! So what exactly do we do here…?

Look at that, some of those glittery women in heels.

You’re from where? Oh, well, that’s…Quinnipiac sure is a fun word to say! My, that’s a short skirt, but, yes, it does look good on you. What a lovely lower back tattoo—and, wow, it goes lower. Oh, I’m so sorry, let me introduce myself. Hmmm, not one for shaking hands, I see, alright.

Oh, hello…so we’re going to dance? I don’t know you too well, but…oh, well yes, if you insist. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that particular shade of eyeshadow, but it looks…oh my! Well, yes, now we really are dancing aren’t we? That’s a nice rhythm. Mmhm…you’re good with those hips, yes indeed.

I’ll admit that my only experience dancing was awhile back. Not to brag, but I was the king of slow-dancing back in middle school. Oh, you don’t know it? It’s easy, I just put my hands on your hips—well, maybe a little above your hips—and you drape yours around my…no, no, not down there. Errr, alright, but I…yes, that feels…interesting. Hmm I’ve never danced like this before. Gee! Oh dear, I’m afraid I have to go to the bathroom. Is there a…oh, it’s outside? But all I see is a bus…

—S. Stern

SIGNS YOU’RE IN AN ATHLETE SUITE

—B. Rudeen and S. Savitz

S. Gelb

It smells like a foot. One giant, sweaty foot Your roommate comes back to the suite wet at weird times of day The avoirdupois of the Gatorade stash is astonishing Half of your suite doesn’t know what “avoirdupois” means You all decided to take Natural Disasters together this semester Your common room is covered in a thin layer of cleats 100% of your suitemate’s friends could beat you up The average wake-up time is before the sun… ...but not on Thursday, because Woads Everyone’s all “goals and points” this and “I’m more than just my muscles” that Your roommate is always surrounded by eight abnormally large and dexterous people You’re an athlete

Bunking with the quarterback was the worst experience of Todd’s short life.

POINT: I’m an Adult!

By Greg Ma

COUNTERPOINT: You’ve Locked Yourself Out of Your Room Five Times in the Last Four Days

By Jordan Johnson

W

atch out, Yale, because there’s a new big man on campus! I’m 18 years old, studying at one of the world’s best universities, and a competent, responsible adult.

My parents were worried about me when they dropped me off, but that was silly of them, because I’m a mature, wellorganized person, in complete command of my body and mind. I go for a run every morning through the beautiful city of New Haven, eat healthy salads for lunch, and party hard only in moderation.

Yale is too much for some people.

You’ll see them at 2:00 am, sprawled unconscious outside of Wednesday Night Toad’s or in a chair at Bass after their third straight all-nighter. Neither of those things is good for your spine! Meanwhile, my posture is ramrod-straight (what’s a ramrod, anyway?) and I go to bed before midnight every day except Saturday.

Saturday is Global Grounds night!

All in all, I’d say I’m doing Yale right, because I’m an adult who can take care of himself. And the adults around me recognize this; I’m on first name terms with my Spanish professor, multiple dining hall workers, and even Bob from Yale Security!

It might sound like fun to live a life of debauchery, but I highly recommend personal responsibility—my favorite golden ticket to health, happiness, and success.

G

reg, I like you well enough, but you’re a complete doofus, and I’m not going to let you write that stupid op-ed without making sure people know what’s really going on.

The first time I met you, you were naked, dripping wet, screaming at the top of your lungs, and pointing in paralyzed horror at the cockroach in our shower. You begged me to take it outside without hurting it, but when it suddenly moved in your direction, you stomped on it in a panic. Then you curled up on the bathroom floor and cried for the next five minutes.

That was totally okay—everyone has their quirks. But eating salad and going to bed early isn’t the full definition of “personal responsibility.” It also means not introducing yourself to people as “eighteen, going on eighteen-and-a-half ”.

And while it’s fine that you’re still dating your high-school girlfriend, it’s frankly creepy that she’s a high school freshman.

I’m sure that I’ll lock myself out of my room at some point before I leave Yale. But I don’t think I’ll do it five times in the span of four days. And if Bob from Yale Security shows up to unlock my door, I very much doubt that I will accidentally blurt out “thanks, Dad!” at the end of the interaction.

Maybe your new lanyard will solve the key problem. But there are deeper issues

that you’ll have to resolve before you can live a normal life like the rest of us.

Breaking up with your girlfriend would help. So would shaving that fucking wisp of a mustache. If you’d like to hear more advice, I’ll be in the common room, waiting to let you in. Because your key is lying on your desk.

—A. Gertler

T he Y ale R ecord

24

Dear facial hair, Why have you left me? We had such a good thing going!

Dear masculinity, There’s no escape! Mua-hahahaha!

—Putting on chapstick

—The American presidency

Dear God, Thanks so much for giving people legs. We’d be awfully unhappy without them.

—A really sarcastic man who thinks legs look stupid as shit

BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT STI WILL THE COOL KIDS BE CARRYING THIS YEAR?

JOB DISCOVERED IN WICHITA, KS

KIDS’ TABLE SECEDES FROM THANKSGIVING DINNER, PLAYS MONOPOLY INSTEAD Dear man eating Greek yogurt out of a human skull, You’re weird.

—A man eating plain yogurt out of a human skull

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T he F reshman I ssue

DEMOCRATIC PARTY ENDORSES NEW BILL TO REPLACE MR. CLINTON Dear old men in locker rooms, I know towels are optional, but they are also recommended. For the love of God, grab a fucking towel.

—Sauna bench Dear old men in locker rooms, I have no advice to give you. I’m just tired of you dragging your balls on me.

—Sauna floor

REPUBLICAN ENDORSES NEW BILL TO REPLACE THINLY VEILED RACISM WITH SLIGHTLY THICKER VEIL Dear Neil Armstrong, Can we please not play golf when we get to the moon? I just feel like there are more important uses of our time, like maybe science. We can go play putt-putt when we get back to Cincinnati.

Sincerely, Buzz Aldrin Dear Buzz Aldrin, HAHAHA FIRST!!!! Also, don’t worry: I brought the tiny golfing pencils.

Love, Neil Armstrong

FDA ISSUES BULLETIN REMINDING AMERICANS THAT STOMACHS ARE NOT BOTTOMLESS Dear Teletubbies, You are so fucking hot. It’s totally normal for me to think we should have sex.

—Severus Snape

CAT CHOKES ON SWALLOW Dear Jurassic Park staffers who got eaten by dinosaurs, You deserved it.

—Someone who does not believe that male short shorts are a legitimate fashion choice Dear Father, Son, and the HOLY SHIT!!!

—A man who was about to start praying before getting mauled by a bear Dear employee of Coffee Corner, When you gave me a cup with a label saying, “Caution: Contents may be hot,” I imagined that meant that if I spilled, I might get some minor burns on my hands that would heal after a day or two. I did not imagine that my hands would burst into flames, or that demons would force their way out of the lid of the cup and begin clawing at my face. So if you don’t mind, I’d like a refund. And get these demons off me.

—Alec

DINING HALLS CREATE THREE NEW COMBINATIONS OF BROCCOLI, LEMON JUICE, AND OIL Dear writers of the song “Down by the Bay,” I have a new first verse for your song.

Instead of, “Did you ever see a cat / wearing a hat?” it should henceforth be sung, “Did you ever see a marmoset / on the Greg and Dharma set?”

—Thomas Gibson Dear curious second-grader, I’m not afraid of seven because he ate nine. I’m afraid of seven because of how many handguns he can fit in his mouth while he’s tripping on PCP. —Six

27

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T he Y ale R ecord Dear obscure historical references, You frustrate me more than the Battle of Falkirk frustrated the Scottish in 1298.

Sincerely, Frustrated in Falkirk

ART THIEF RANSOMS SCREAM, DEMANDS 1000 WORDS Dear Aunt Marcy, The hot dogs were cold, the pool smelled, and Cousin Frank is running around without pants.

Signed, The state of reunion

Dear pancakes, We’re secret versions of you.

Signed, Secret pancakes

Dear Philip, I will not be able to join you for martinis tonight as I cannot hold a martini glass.

—A cow

“BEAR WITH ME,” SAYS WILDERNESS EXPLORER IN LAST RADIO TRANSMISSION BEFORE MAULING Dear Fred, You’ll never change me.

—A counterfeit $100 bill

Dear man with a raft, I see you are about to cross a river with your pet fox and some corn. Can I come, too? I hope my presence doesn’t unduly complicate things.

—A chicken

CONNECT FOUR CHANGES CATCH PHRASE FROM “PRETTY SNEAKY, SIS” TO “PRETTY SNEAKY, YOU CONNIVING BITCH”

PENNY PROSTITUTES, INC. LAUNCHES NEW AD CAMPAIGN: “OUR PROSTITUTES ARE NOT A DIME A DOZEN”

Dear Yale Record, I heard a joke today that made use of a commonly known stereotype and also contained some edgy sexual innuendo.

Needless to say, I laughed for hours.

Sincerely, Someone who’s just kidding

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