Vol. 144, No. 1
THE YALE
Sept. 2, 2015
RECORD
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Dear America, Please imagine all the animals in the world living together in harmony on a happy farm. There are happy cows and happy pigs, happy leopards and happy fish. Now, can you imagine eating that farm? I sure can’t. That’s why I’m a vegan. Retweet and take off your clothes in an Applebee’s to spread the message. —A PETA newsletter
AREA MAN DIED WHILE DOING WHAT HE LOVED: NOT BEING DEAD Dear America, Eating animals is like putting animals inside yourself, and that’s weird. I don’t want a cow inside me. Cows are too big. That’s why I’m a vegan. Spraypaint the Pledge of Allegiance on a cow to spread the message. —A PETA newsletter
FIFTY-EIGHT WORLD WAR I VETERANS BRUTALLY NEUTERED AFTER ACCIDENTALLY VISITING LOCAL VETERINARY AFFAIRS OFFICE Dear Oedipus, I fucked your mom.
—Oedipus
WATER CONTINUES EMBARRASSING EXISTENCE AS BUTTON ON DRINK DISPENSER Dear the phrase “If you can’t beat them, join them,” OK, but how does this help me? —A man who lost his egg beater and so proceeded to duct tape all his eggs together
Dear rock with an inspirational word on it, Thanks a lot. You really helped me get through the death of my grandfather. —Steve Dear Steve, Hope.
—Rock
BEST LIFE HACK EVER? MEET THE MAN WHO INGENIOUSLY STAYS WARM OUTSIDE BY PUTTING MORE CLOTHES ON HIS BODY Dear gerbils, Did you know that if you don’t chew on anything your teeth will continue to grow forever and you will likely die? —Humans Dear humans, Fuck. —Gerbils
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REPUBLICAN ENDORSES NEW BILL TO REPLACE THINLY VEIIndian LFine ED RACISM WITH SLIGHTLY THICuisine CKER VEIL “A treat for the senses.” Dear tap dancer, —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety Indianhave dishes.” You realize that ofyou hands, —New York Times
Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM
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Dear long legs, Long legs are nice, but they can be too long. Like, if a girl had legs that were a mile long, that would be weird, right? We would all make fun of her. —A man with arms a mile long who is trying to divert attention away from his really long arms
ROOMMATE PUTS SOCK ON DOOR TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW COOL SOCK IS Dear high school counselor, I know that I’ve been acting out recently, but there’s a good explanation. My dad isn’t home often because he is a balloon that I drew a face on that flew away, and my mom can’t discipline me because she can’t use vowels and I can’t understand what she’s saying. I’ll do better, I promise. —A kid who isn’t lying, he actually has a super messed up home life
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HIPSTER DOESN’T EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC ANYMORE, JUST STARES AT INSTRUMENTS Dear shopping center, My whole life I’ve felt like an empty shell. Sometimes I feel like I barely even exist. When I look in the mirror, I see looking back at me a pair of dull black eyes with nothing behind them. I know you probably don’t care, and I know this message is kind of strange, but I didn’t know who else to turn to. I guess my question to you is: How did you do it? How did you find your center? Also, do you have an Orange Julius in you? —A man just going through some things
INTERESTED MAN NODS HEAD
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Dear person, Why the short face? —A horse bartender
STUDENT GOES TO CHAPLAIN’S OFFICE TO FIND GOD, SETTLES FOR ICE CREAM INSTEAD Dear…Henry Clarke, is it? Hey, thanks for coming over. So you’re from Ireland? That’s cool. Don’t mind my hands. You know, I’ve always wanted to visit Dublin. Big Joyce fan. Well, not really, but… Could you spread your legs a little bit? Thanks. Hey, if you’re ever going to be in the city again, maybe we could, oh… Um. Sorry. Have a nice flight, A lonely TSA agent
WANTED: Undergrads unaware
you can’t shock people in experiments anymore
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Dear man giving a sponge bath to a live tiger, You are a braver man than me. —A man giving a sponge bath to a dead tiger
THAT SYRIA THING STILL GOING ON, APPARENTLY Dear precariously placed pudding, This won’t end well. —A man holding a contest to determine who is the least covered in pudding
Dear everybody, Yeah, yeah, so I had a farm once. I had lots of things once. I had a cow, and a chicken, and a pig. I had a wife and kids, too. Did you also know about them? How do you think it feels to be reminded of everything I’ve lost, to hear through the cracked windows of passing cars the fleeting echoes of happy families, giddily singing out a list of everything that’s vanished from my life? Why must you jeer at me out of all the old, rueful alcoholics in the world? Here a regret, there a regret, everywhere a regret-regret. —Old McDonald
on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm
LOCAL GRANDMOTHER RESPONDS TO ALL TEXT MESSAGES WITHIN 30 SECONDS Dear friends, Look, Steve is standing at a high elevation. This indicates Steve is adventurous, and perhaps romantic. Steve has a very exciting life and is interesting. —Steve’s profile picture
ITALIAN MAJOR JUST IN IT FOR PIZZA
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Emmy Waldman ‘11
elcome, Class of 2019! Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “What is this gorgeous magazine that’s been slipped under my door? Is it The Yale Record, the world’s longest-running humor magazine?” To answer both of your questions: It’s The Yale Record, the world’s longest-running humor magazine, and yes! To be a little more precise: The Record, founded in 1872, is a monthly publication here at Yale that anyone can write, draw, or design for. Besides putting out the magazine, we hold open brainstorming meetings once a week (Mondays at 9 pm in LC 209), put on stand-up shows, organize pranks, do business things, host an awesome website, hold parties, make videos, eat food together, and in general are cool and likable and get laid often and don’t need your validation. We’ve slipped this magazine under your door not just to let you know how cool we are, though, or to encourage you to check out our meetings (Mondays at 9 pm in LC 209), but also to help you. See, we at the Record remember how confusing it can be to be a freshman. Maybe you’ve got a roommate who insists on having his butler sleep under your bed. Maybe it’s still wildly unclear whether the doors to your residential college are push or pull. Or maybe you’re just finding hair on parts of your body where there was never hair before.
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Although we may not be able to solve all these problems for you, we hope we might still alleviate a bit of your confusion. So, without further ado: THE RECORD’S TEN ESSENTIAL TIPS FOR FRESHMEN
1there’s no shame in crying.
It can be hard to adjust to living away from home, so All the time. In the shower. In class. While eating cereal at breakfast. There’s no shame in your tears and mucus running down your face and mixing with the milk in your bowl. We can’t stress this enough.
a waste of money to buy toothpaste or 2 It’s shampoo.
Your roommate presumably has his own, and what’s he going to do if you just decide to use his? Call the cops? Fight you? Please. Fucker can’t do a thing. Boat shoes are a must. Yale has an extremely nautical campus, and you never know when you might find yourself on a boat. If you don’t believe us, just check out what your better-informed suitemates have on their feet.
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4 so you’ll need to find another trait to base your identity around. For instance, maybe you can be “the sad one,” or “the At Yale, you’re no longer “the smart one,”
one nobody likes.”
Yale doesn’t actually have a computer science 5 department. We’re sorry if they told you that on the tour.
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Your orientation packet includes George W. 6 Bush’s personal cell number. He’s always happy to shoot the shit or throw a few job offers your way, but make
sure he never gets ahold of your personal number. I went my entire freshman year with hardly a decent night’s sleep thanks to the former president’s 4 am calls. Sample greeting: “Yo Gar Gar Finks, I just painted the shit out of this hay bale!” Everyone in college has a bunch of sex. But we probably don’t need to tell you this. Chances are, you’re having sex right now! (We apologize if we’re being intrusive.)
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If you say the word “Nagak” three times to 8 popular philosophy professor Shelly Kagan, he turns into a goblin. The goblin, as an illiterate, is a
much easier grader. We can’t tell you how many times this trick has saved us right before a big paper is due. Timothy Dwight College exists. Unfortunately, we can offer you no additional information on this matter. The Record is the best. You will be sad if you don’t join the Record. You will be happy if you do (Mondays at 9 in LC 209). And if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that being happy is better than being sad.
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So, there you are! Now go forth, newly enwizened freshmen. Welcome to your new home. Explore, laugh, learn, make good friends, make even better mistakes, and JOIN THE GODDAMN RECORD. —B. Garfinkel Editor-in-Chief
Nick Goel ’16 Chairman
Benjamin Garfinkel ’16 Editor-in-Chief
Ian Gonzalez ’16 Publisher
Annelisa Leinbach ’16 Art Director
Allison Mansfield ’17 Assistant Design Editor
Chasan Hall ’17 Assistant Video Editor
Louisa Cone ’18 Associate Publicity Manager
Mitchell Harris ’16 Business Manager
Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor
Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor
Sasha Rae-Grant ’18 Design Editor
Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel
Graham Ambrose ’18 Managing Editor
Brian Beitler ’18 Managing Editor
Archie Kinnane ’18 Managing Editor
Rachel Lackner ’17 Managing Editor
Alex Ringlein ’18 Online Editor
Sam Savitz ’17 Publicity Manager
Ben Rudeen ’17 Staff Director
Madeline Kaplan ’17 Supplementals Editor
Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Video Director
Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Graham Ambrose ‘18, Brian Beitler ‘18, Louisa Cone ‘18, Amanda Corcoran ‘18, Valcy Etienne ‘16,
Max Goldberg ‘17, Chasan Hall ‘18, Mikayla Harris ‘17, Mitchell Harris ‘16, Archie Kinnane ‘18,
Joseph Kuperschmidt ‘16, Doo Lee ‘16, Roger Lopez ‘18, Annelisa Leinbach ‘16, Alison Mansfield ‘17,
Tom McCoy ‘17, Andrew Megerian ‘18, Elizabeth Miles ‘17, Isaac Morrier ‘17, Alex Ringlein ‘18,
Jonathan Rutter ‘18, Natalya Sanghvi ‘18, Harrison Schneider ‘17, Justin Shi ‘18, Sarah Sukin ‘18,
Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Aaron Gertler ‘15 Timur Guler ‘18 John Lancione ‘17
Special Thanks to: Scott Stern, Aaron Gertler, and Scaaron Stertler, the unspeakable abomination that haunts my dreams. Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Jessica Yang ’16, who has provided definitive proof that Lion Peter Salovey is the cutest Peter Salovey of all. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIV, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2015 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
SIGNS THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND ARE SO PROUD OF YOU The hundreds of Yale bumper stickers covering every window of our Toyota Camry, which remind us of your accomplishments every time we get pulled over by a confused police officer. The subscription we bought to the Yale Daily News. We never allow ourselves to read it, because we don’t want to intrude on your privacy. Instead, we burn each paper in our fireplace, quietly chanting your name until every page has become ash. We’re making your brother sleep on the couch so that you can use his bed whenever you decide to return. In fact, you’ll probably need to use your brother’s bedroom, because we replaced all the furniture in your room with a life-sized statue of Peter Salovey kissing you on the forehead. We sold your brother’s possessions to buy a life-sized Handsome Dan costume that your mother wears every day when she goes to work. The hundreds of Yale bumper stickers we’ve attached to every article of clothing your brother owns, so that every time he goes to the mall, all the shoppers will look at him and think about Yale, and, by extension, you, our beautiful child. If you ever make a friend at Yale, we will kill their parents and adopt them into our family so that you can bring them home with you for Winter Break. We will be so excited to see you again! —A. Gertler
LESSER KNOWN ADMISSIONS QUOTAS A tuba player from one of the Dakotas 5 people who will produce 95% of the Facebook comments on the freshman page Someone who got a little too friendly with their interviewer Someone who had sex with their interviewer A tuba player from the other Dakota. If both agree to attend Yale, arrange a duel to the death in the treeless wilderness they call home. Then kill the winner too. The only daughter of an amateur pretzel maker, but only if she has her father’s eyes The next Ron Paul Twenty people who have probably taken a bath in money and/or the blood of innocent men One student who will inevitably graduate Yale with a somewhat useless degree and few job prospects, who, after resigning himself to work as an admissions officer for the university for a few years— just a few years, he tells himself, only until he can find a real job—will wake up each morning for the next 50 years to sit in the same sad leather chair, reading applications about individuals who are categorically better than he can ever imagine himself to be, as tears roll down his unshaven cheeks At least one white guy who owns boat shoes —A. Ringlein
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A LETTER FROM DEAN HOLLOWAY Dear Class of 2019, Congratulations on your acceptance to our university! Your invitation to join our community is indeed a testament to your academic excellence, your impressive extracurricular involvement, and the unique set of passions, goals, and beliefs that characterize you as an individual. And, now that you’re on your way to our campus, please completely get rid of all of that. Don’t leave anything remaining. At all. It’ll be much easier for the both of us if you forget everything about who you once were. Instead, please adhere to the following simple rule. In college, when presented with any object, book, movie, song, sandwich, cocktail, mustache, pair of underpants, brand of suppository, or mythological winged creature, your opinion of it must be formed after and only after taking stock of the opinions in your social group. If most people around you state that the item in question is shitty, your opinion will be that it is shitty. If a majority or more state that it is “pretty cool,” your opinion will be that it is pretty cool. Otherwise, please utilize the phrase “it’s whatever” to mask the debilitating anxiety you will otherwise experience. In the case that the group opinion fluctuates in the future, this will also allow you to set yourself up for a shift to “shitty” or “pretty cool” as may be appropriate. This is the tried-and-true Law of Conversation. It’s a Yale staple. Please note that the Law of Conversation must be reapplied to every separate social group you find yourself involved in. In this manner, every single decision you make throughout your four bright college years will have a strong and foolproof foundation. You’ll never have to worry about being judged for what you wear, which a cappella groups you don’t want to join, what you think about abortion, or what your favorite shade of magenta is. The only thing left to deal with is your physical appearance. But we’ll work on that later in our seminar “Rich People Skin: How to Appear in Photos with Your Greenwich Roommate with Minimal Shame.” We’ve gone ahead and pre-enrolled you. You’re welcome. Oh, and welcome to New Haven. Your acquaintances are going to like the way you look.* We guarantee it. Sincerely, Jonathan Holloway Dean of Yale College *As well as the way you think, express yourself, and live your entire life.
—J. Shi
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HOW TO REBRAND YOURSELF FOR COLLEGE: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE Buy a jean jacket Get bangs Practice looking forlornly out the windows of public buses to look tragic yet unattainable, but the kind of unattainable that still makes people want to make out with you Coin your own fun-and-flirty catchphrase. Something like, “I am tragic yet unattainable. Want to make out?” Wash jean jacket several times to give it that classic “I’vehad-this-jean-jacket-forever-of-course-I’m-not-justtrying-to-rebrand-myself-for-college-why-would-youthink-that-mom” look Accidently bleach jean jacket, break down, scream, “I am tragic yet unattainable!” at the moon in hysterical mourning Shave off your bangs as a sign of solidarity with your once fun-and-flirty jean jacket Realize your mistake and try to glue them back on with industrial glue Develop painful scalp hives Realize you have an allergy to the epoxy resins commonly used in industrial glue Try to distract from your hives by looking tragic yet unattainable Buy a replacement jean jacket Let the sexy times of college roll in —R. Lackner
SIGNS YOUR ROOMMATE WASN’T A VALEDICTORIAN Detectably lower self-worth Her parents gave her a smaller hug on move-in day Big, loud birds peck on her window in the middle of the night She is always trailed by the voices of ghosts whispering “Second best” She has some kind of talent or something She isn’t a dick —Staff
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BEST GUT CLASSES AT YALE
LISA…WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
HUMS 001 - Introduction to Breathing ER&M 008 - ER&M: What Does it Stand For? WGSS 029/EENG 625 - Girls: In Theory and Practice ECON 101 – The Eight-Dollar Consumer: Optimizing the Durfee’s Swipe PHIL 420 - How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real? THST 808 - Method Acting: The Toad’s Regular (BYOB) MATH 123 - Intermediate Counting: With Both Hands HUMS 002 - Advanced Breathing: Without Assistance DRST 100 - Principles of Talking Loudly HIST 7.25/hr - History of Underemployment G&G 110 - Varsity Football MATH 958 - Quaternionic Analysis & Representation Theory —J. Shi
SIGNS YOUR NEW ROOMMATE IS THE ANTICHRIST He keeps a copy of the Necronomicon in his backpack and will only refer to it as “his textbook.” He keeps muttering that Jesus “had it coming.” After he hooks up with a girl, it always smells like brimstone for some reason. Even when you’re trying to study, he’ll be lighting the room on fire in a satanic ritual designed to bring about the end of times. The sign on your door says he’s from “Shadowy and Lost Carcossa, where dark stars rise in the eve and women cry out for mercy from the Yellow King” He keeps leaving his towel and the dismembered heads of small animals on your side of the room. Ick! After 20 centuries of stony sleep, he is slouching towards the dining hall to eat breakfast. He never takes out the fucking garbage. —C. Hall
Lisa…it’s 2:30. You’ve been at Yale for nearly three hours. What are you still doing in your room? No, no, it’s not a problem I just—I don’t know. Don’t you have somewhere to be? Clubs to found? Racism to eradicate? No? Oh. Well…totally fine! Do your own thing! Down time is so, so important and Yalies tend to forget that. Look at you…staying at home and unpacking your boxes. It’s so brave of you, really. Y’know, like, standing up to peer pressure! Not everyone has to be that rockstar, playing Frisbee with every appendage, debating whether or not to go public with the start-up they co-founded at registration, and getting surgically attached to the people in their FroCo group. Wait, you didn’t get the GroupMe about that? Whoops. Well, I’m sure walking beside us will be exactly the same as striding in tandem, sutured flesh-to-flesh with the most important people to ever enter your life. With America’s future leaders. Besides. It’s okay if you haven’t found your life-long best friends by your third hour here. Some people take a whole five! I mean, you did miss the pretty crucial period where we all anointed each other with oil and tattooed all three verses of “Bright College Years” on the inside of our lips. But what’s the use worrying about lost time? Wow. But speaking of lost time, I should really go. There’s a naked post-post-modern Slavic rave jam at Mory’s tonight. —A. Mansfield SIGNS YOUR ROOMMATE IS ACTUALLY A MAJESTIC BISON When you ask them about their day, they respond with a low mooing noise They’re a huge slob They have no belongings, only pounds and pounds of grass You know when you’re about to get sexiled because they start secreting a potent musk They shit literally everywhere, and are visibly a bison —S. Savitz
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PEOPLE WHO WILL MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE IN COLLEGE The Genius One – He was his high school valedictorian. At 15. Was cited by Paul Krugman in a paper on Monetary Theory. Has discovered two earth-like planets. But for all the gifts of Mr. Summa Cum Laude with an IQ higher than a straight angle, remember: There’s something he must not be good at. For example, building meaningful relationships. Not everyon—wait, what? He has a girlfriend?! Okay, fuck that guy. The Activist One – You’d like to think that you’re a compassionate person. After all, you did cry at the end of Toy Story 3. That is, until you meet The Activist One, who cries ritually at everything from a used condom outside Toad’s to Boko Haram’s iron grip on central Africa. It’s all just so impacting, you know? You don’t, you grinch. You must simply lack room in your heart for the thousands of meaningful causes championed at Yale by this free-spirit who sleeps with a megaphone under his pillow. Feel the love, abandon the envy. The protest’s on Tuesday. The Beautiful One – No, you’re right, you do recognize her from the winter promo for J.Crew. She’s actually a model. Helped pay her tuition at Andover. And, yes, she made Rumpus’s 50 Most Beautiful People issue as a freshman, and she’s in Theta. Don’t let it get you down, though: Ms. Gorgeous is barely passing The Structure of Networks. The Know Everyone One – If you want to talk to her, do it over text. Grabbing a meal is too depressing. How does she know everyone in a 300-person dining hall?! She’s sourced in every article of the Daily News. She arranges Master’s Teas for all 12 colleges. She’s better connected than the Office of Career Strategies. Oh, she’s on their Board of Directors? Super duper. The Rich One – We’re not saying he’s a bad dude. He’ll lend you his Persian cashmere sweater when your 2006 Old Navy fleece gets dirty. He’ll even let you summer on his yacht off Cape Cod. But we’ve had a little too much of it by now. Sure, for five thousand dollars you’ll begrudgingly move out of the double. And maybe you’ll even write his essays for an extra 10. But there’s no chance you’ll take the million and let him sleep with your significant other. Not a second time. C’mon. We have standards. —G. Ambrose
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WHAT YOUR SAT SCORE SAYS ABOUT YOU 2400: You studied too hard. 2390: You studied exactly the right amount. 2380: You used the word “firstly” in your essay. Graders hate that shit. 2370: It is conceivable that you did not get a perfect score on any section. Most people here will not be friends with you, just in case this happens to be true. 2360: The proctor went crazy and attacked you with a hammer in the middle of the exam. In the course of defending yourself, you left a couple of Critical Reading questions blank. Most people here will forgive you. 2130: Nice to meet you, Mr. Davenport! Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-greatgrandfather was a fine man. I’m sure you’ll have a terrific time at Yale. —A. Gertler HOW TO BREAK THE ICE WITH OTHER FRESHMEN: SIX FOOLPROOF STRATEGIES Ask what residential college they’re in. If they’re in your college, you just found out a few days before you would have otherwise known. Otherwise, you should immediately forget their answer. Comment that you’re wearing the same shirt. If you are wearing the same shirt, you just found something in common! If you aren’t wearing the same shirt, congratulations! You’ve just broken the ice. Ask how much money their parents make. This is an easy way to find friends of similar socioeconomic status. You’ll also quickly weed out the people who think you’re a jerk. Ask them if you’ve taken a class with them before. Since the answer is definitely “no,” you now have time to think of a legitimate question. Flap your arms, chirp like a bird, and hop on one foot. This is the famous Yale mating call. Your parents did this moments before your conception. If they went to your high school, ask for their name. This is college. It’s time to reinvent yourself by pretending you didn’t exist until you stepped on campus. —M. Harris
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LIES YOUR TOUR GUIDE TOLD YOU
sex
HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO COME BACK TO YOUR PLACE OF SEX
Meet people – Spend time in different locations that potential sex companions frequent, like Timothy Dwight College, the Kline Biology Tower, or that gas station off Whalley Avenue. Make conversation – Potential sexmates respond well to dialogue. Try talking about your ACT score or mile time to show off your reproductive fitness. Ask the question – Most Yalies have sex numerous times every day, so your proposition has to stand out from the hundreds of thousands your potential partner has already heard. Try something sexy, like speaking in Middle English or Sanskrit. “Come hither for sex coitus” is a tried-and-true classic. Maintain interest – On the walk to your place, avoid common mistakes like tripping, critiquing their body, crying, or tripping over their body while crying. Avoid suitemates – There’s no mood-killer quite like a long conversation with an oblivious suitemate before sex intercourse. Upon walking into your suite, sprint full-speed to your room. Ignore any obstacles blocking your mission. This is the time to break out the tears. Be respectful – Once in your room, make sure you’re both on the same page. Get to know them a little better as a person. Offer to wait while your partner fills out a brief sextionnaire on their sexual preferences, romantic history, personality, substance intake record, skills, hobbies, dreams, and interests. Shouldn’t take more than an hour. Follow-up – Afterward, kindly thank your sex counterpart for their time. Be sure to ask for a mailing address, so you’ll know where to send the invitation for next time. —G. Ambrose
That’s a great question. Our financial aid covers 100% of demonstrated need. You’re sure to spend a lot of time exploring New Haven. I’m not crying. I’ve just got something in my eye. Yale has a great computer science department. No one has ever died at Yale. That would be an impossibility. The statues here don’t have people inside of them. If you say that they do, no one will believe you. I’ve seen all of Everybody Loves Raymond. Many times. All human beings have. None of that is blood. Not all of that is blood. I have no intention of killing you and putting you inside of that statue. I am a being of pure light. I am beautiful. There is an episode in the seventh season of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray Romano strangles you and leaves your grotesque body in front of his mother’s door. You watch it every night before you go to sleep. The audience laughs and laughs, and so do you. Today, we are filming that very episode. All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again, eternally. But when we meet again you will be me, and I will be no one. In truth, I will be less than nothing. In truth, even now I do not fully exist. Hi, I’m your tour guide for today! —Staff OCCASIONS WHEN IT’S OK TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF YOUR ROOMMATE When you’re comparing sizes When they accidentally walk in on you changing, into either different clothes or a monstrous werewolf at the full moon When penis jousting When you’ve given up on the world and clothes are too much effort When you’re oiling each other up for gladiatorial combat (How else are you supposed to get oil on those hardto-reach places?) When you’re having sex with each other —S. Savitz
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WHAT YOU THINK YOU NEED
WHAT YOU ACTUALLY NEED
Pens/pencils: For all the notes you’re going to be taking in all of those lectures you’re totally going to attend. Reading glasses: For all of those DS readings you’re really looking forward to. You love Aristotle! TONS of condoms: College kids have so much sex. Crazy amounts of sex. Healthy snacks: Because you’re going to need some brain food to fuel all that studying. Exercise clothes: To take full advantage of PWG and the easily accessible gym in your very own residential college! Sunglasses and sunscreen: So you can comfortably relax on Old Campus when the weather is nice.
Three extra phone chargers: For all the times you’ll get a low battery from playing 2048 while you should be listening to the professor ramble. A nice soft pillow and several blankets: Because in lieu of reading for class you’re going to be napping. No condoms: They’re actually free here—not that it matters while you have that haircut. Panera/Chipotle/Alpha Delta gift cards: You can avoid the Freshman 15, but tell me…do you really want to? Sweatpants: For all the times you’re going to not go work out and watch TV instead. Netflix/Hulu/HBOGo: So you can comfortably relax in your dark room with the curtains drawn when the weather is nice. —J. Lancione
HOW TO DO THE POT FOR THE FIRST TIME* Mom and Dad were very clear: College is the time to expand your horizons, to try new things, to stop worrying if Buzz and Woody will make it back home in time for the big move. So you’re not really a college student until you’ve done the pot, or the marijuana as it’s known to street youths. If you’ve never done the pot before, there’s no need to worry. Everything you need to know is right here. For starters, never refer to the pot by its real name. Instead, stick to secret code words like the devil’s lettuce, George W. Kush, or Oscar the Grouch. You will sound way cooler and earn the respect of your peers if you use these nicknames or come up with your own. Trust me. I eat the pot for breakfast. In addition to its many names, silly broccoli (are you catching on?) also comes in many forms. One of the most common is a joint. Many first-timers assume you’re supposed to do it the normal way, but to avoid looking like a beginner, stick it directly into your nostril to let the Doprah Winfrey reach your brain faster. There are also bongs, which you will notice have water in the bottom. When it is your turn to hit it, drink the water in one mouthful. In addition to getting totally weed-wasted, you
will also stay hydrated, an added bonus of spending time with Mary Jane. You might also come across edibles in your time here, which you just crumble into tiny pieces and smoke from a pipe. It’s always a nice gesture to bake pot brownies for your professors on the first day of class! If you’re having trouble finding the Tocahontas, don’t be shy. Your FroCos are a great resource, as is Chief Ronnell Higgins. It will also be easier to find the Mapotma Ganji if you make your stoner-status known. I recommend drawing weed leaves on your binders and buying several Bob Marley posters to wear as low-key capes. With all this in mind, go forth, my little Cheeches and Chongs. Make Handsome Dank proud. *The Record does not endorse the use of marijuana, which is illegal in the state of Connecticut. We do, however, endorse the use of dank-ass kush. —L. Cone
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2015 · V OL. CXXXIV, NO. 1 NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T · WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 2,2014
· yalerecord.c om yalerecord.org
Everyone But You Having the Best Time of Their Lives BY RACHEL LACKNER STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN, CT — Three days into Camp Yale, a survey of the entire freshman class revealed that literally everyone except for you is having a really, really amazing time. The survey, sent to all 1,361 members of the incoming freshman class, included such questions as “Are you the happiest you’ve ever been?” and “Is everything here so perfect that you’ve forgotten all aspects of your former life and never want to leave Yale?”,both
of which received 1,360 responses in the affirmative. Camp Yale marks the first time that many members of the class of 2019 have been away from their homes and their families, so it’s totally understandable that you’ve already called your parents today. That being said, you should know that you’re the only one. Derrick Evens ES ’19 even said that he would “probably not even notice if his hometown burst into flames,” as he is “literally the opposite of homesick” due to how much more fun he is having than you. “I’d probably be okay if my entire
family was mauled by a bear.” He then added, “Wenzels are great.” “I’m just so happy here, every single moment of every single day,” reported all five of your suitemates, separately, sporting the matching T-shirts they made together that night you spent feeling uncomfortable and out of place at Toad’s. They all agreed that “a sixth close friend would definitely ruin their best friends dynamic.” “I’ve already made as many friends as I could possibly need,” added your roommate, Emily Zheng DC ’19, showing off her 37, freshly hand-braided friendship
bracelets. When asked if in the last three hours they had cried silently over a piece of Claire’s cake during the Slifka blue-booking study break, all but one respondent in the survey answered, “No, I have not. How embarrassing for the one person that did that. College is so great and I can’t possibly imagine being any happier that I currently am.”
Contact RACHEL LACKNER at join@yalerecord.com
Point, Counterpoint: Camp Yale POINT:
I’m a new freshman and Yale is pretty cool I got back from FOOT a few days ago, and so far Yale is pretty cool. Firstly, I like all my classes. I have a few really big lectures that’ll probably take some getting used to, but I also got into this really interesting Freshman Seminar. It was actually my third choice, but the professor seems like a nice guy. I also like my suitemates. One of them came here all the way from Guangzhou, China, and I’m not sure he speaks English that well. I’m sure we’ll all be really tight by the end of the year. Yesterday we went to this reception at the Master’s House, and that was great. It seems like Trumbull has some really nice facilities. The upperclassmen keep saying that it’s the best college, but I’m pretty sure that everyone says that about their college, which is kind of funny. Overall, Yale seems like a good school and I’m sure I’ll enjoy my time here.
COUNTER-POINT:
OH MY GOD YALE IS PERFECT I arrived at Yale less than a week ago, and it has been the most stimulating experience of my mortal life. First of all, I absolutely love all of my classes. They challenge me to think in new ways and provide an outlet for my unbridled curiosity. Like earlier today I was “shopping” a course called Introduction to Psychology, when the Brooks and Suzanne Ragen Professor of Cognitive Science Marvin Chun showed us all a picture of a cup that looked kind of like two people’s faces. Before he could even say anything, me and my new lifelong friend Jessie turned to each other and were just like HOLY CRAP THAT’S WHY I CHOSE YALE. I also love my suitemates. They’re basically the most diverse, athletic, intelligent, diverse and motivated people I’ve ever met. For example, we were all talking on the first night, and it turns out that my roommate founded this startup that provides low-cost technical support
to children in Malawi. Like seriously? I live with this kid. After that I went for a solitary walk with 11 of my new friends just so I could better absorb the timeless beauty of the Elm City. While I sat cross-legged in the center of the Women’s Table, I thought of all of my forbearers who had sacrificed so much to make this opportunity possible. Then I realized that Rudolf Von Catsup, the world-renowned tree whisperer from the 18th century (and like my freakin’ idol) had totally sat in this exact same spot years before me. Needless to say, I ejaculated on site—right before uploading 84 photos to a Facebook album called “Boola Boola, Bow Wow Wow.” That almost made me late for the tour of my residential college— which was everything I had hoped for and more. I was so excited that afterwards I ran back to my suite and memorized the entire Wikipedia page of John C. Calhoun. I had never thought of slavery in that way
before. It looks like this place really is going to broaden my horizons. On the whole, I would say that during my short time in New Haven I have come to view Yale as a place of Divine Sanctity, forever shimmering in a brilliant aura of prestige and veritas. For it is now clear that I have been chosen by the Hands of Our Creator from the nameless, faceless masses—charged with carrying on this centuries-old tradition. It is a burden that weighs deeply on my soul. It is to this end that I will stay up Bluebooking until 4 am tonight, narrowing down Yale’s 2,000+ course offerings (wow!) into the 14.5 credits I will be taking this semester. P.S. Oh, and I literally have like no idea how I’m going to explain all this to my friends from back home. I mean, Oregon State is a good school and all, but holy freakin’ wow I go to Yale!!!<3<3<3 o.O Contact NICK GOEL at join@yalerecord.com
“I’m so drunk,” Reports Drunk Freshman NEW HAVEN, CT — Freshman Dylan Franco ’19, has officially confirmed that this Saturday evening at the SAE fraternity house he was heavily intoxicated for at least an hour. Experts at the Yale School of Medicine report that the most likely cause of the intoxication was “[a shit-ton of] alcohol…[what a cool bro].” “I’m so drunk,” Franco told the News. “I’ve never been this drunk before.” Upon further questioning, he revealed the cocktail of “hardcore” drinks that had caused his current state of inebriation. “Back at the pregame I blasted at least four Mike’s Hards,” he said, using a really cool nickname for the popular beverage. “Then I pounded like three shots. It’s been awhile since then and I think it’s all hitting me right now, full force. This is crazy.” Sources close to Franco corroborated some parts of his story, though there was some dispute over a few details. “Yeah, he’s been going pretty hard,” said Timmy Haskell, JE ’19, who claimed
to be “best friends” with Dylan despite not knowing his last name or what college he was in. “Def [sic] not as hard as me though. But I’m not drunk – my tolerance is sooooo high. Can you include that in the article?”
Timmy
Dylan
Tolerance
BY IAN GONZALEZ STAFF REPORTER
DATA VIA TIMMY HASKELL
Another friend of Franco’s, Brian Cohen, TD ’19, claimed that there was “no way he downed three shots” and went so far as to claim that Franco was not, in fact, drunk. “He’s got to be faking,” said Cohen. “No one gets drunk that easily. Just now
he told me he was ‘definitely blackout’ – I don’t think he’s ever even been blackout before, so how would he know?” Cohen went on to add that, for the record, he had blacked out a “bunch of times.” After hearing those accusations, Dylan became irate and told the News that he would prove how drunk he was by doing a kegstand. He immediately approached one of the party’s main kegs and leapt on top of it triumphantly, explaining that “a non-drunk person would never be willing to do a kegstand this awesome,” before falling off the keg and being physically removed from the premises. When asked for comment, President Peter Salovey declined to speak in person on the matter but reminded the News in an email that official University policy considers anyone who gets drunk on less than four shots to be “bitchly” and also expressed his sincerest hope that “someone drew all over his face if he passed out somewhere.”
Contact IAN GONZALEZ at join@yalerecord.com
MASSIVE BEAR ATTAC Sixteen Freshmen Injur BY LITTLE JIMMY INJURED FRESHMAN
NEW HAVEN, CT — A 1,600 pound grizzly bear barreled through Old Campus, indefinitely suspending Camp Yale activities. “I was surprised it knew which way to open the gate,” said Jeffrey Hopkins MC ’19, “I still don’t know how to fucking open those.” Others say
Yale Police were quick spond but they were no m the wild Connecticut Gr Police deployed tasers used against drunk fresh
I was bleeding couldn’t breath
got me horny.
y Da
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A diary from the FOOT trip that never returned
Dear Diary, Today we realized we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, but we couldn’t figure out where. To make matters worse, when we were checking the map a hawk swooped down and took it. We tried using our satellite phone, but a second hawk took that too! We aren’t too worried about supplies, but just to be sure for dinner we killed and ate Kevin. Man, Yale sure has a complicated campus! I’m sure that tomorrow when we actually go into the wilderness our FOOT leaders will know where they are going.
y Da
2 Dear Diary, We woke up this morning and laughed about how silly it was that we ate Kevin. I guess we just got a little nervous about starting our Yale adventure. After breakfast, we took the bus into the White Mountains. The hike to our campsite was tough, and at a few points I had to stop to take blister band-aids out of my Kevin-skin pouch. Ultimately, it was a great day and I feel like I’m going to be great friends with the other FOOTies (except Kevin LOL).
y Da
3 Dear Diary, Last night our tents collapsed (Kevin must have had a calcium deficiency, that backstabbing bastard!) and we were soaked by heavy rain that ruined our map and satellite phone. To make matters worse, it turns out that FOOT leader training only prepares FOOT leaders for strenuous team bonding and doesn’t actually cover wilderness survival. We spent the day walking in the direction that Dave, one of our FOOT leaders, said we came from.
y Da
4 Dear Diary, Dave told us that yesterday was opposite day (a fun FOOT tradition!), and assured us that, though we were a day further from our destination, we were all closer friends as a result of participating. With only one day of rations left we have to make sure we go the right way tomorrow.
y Da
5 Dear Diary, We are lost and hungry. To make maters worse, to pass the time yesterday we had an iodine-pill eating contest and now we have no way to purify our water. Most of all, we all agree that we miss Kevin a lot, with his warm smile, his compassion, and his tender thigh meat.
y Da
9 We are all so, so very hungry. I long for any signs of human existence outside of our small FOOT group, while the trip continues to get more dangerous. Today we had to cross a busy highway just to continue on the trail that we hope leads us back to civilization. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on.
y Da
14 I tried to be strong, but in the end I couldn’t help myself. Now I am so very alone. At least I’m not hungry anymore.
Writing: B. Beitler
Guide to Drunk New Haven Dining Zagat has selected the best drunk dining restaurants in New Haven based on our most recent survey. This list includes the top rated drunk dining New Haven restaurants as listed in our Connecticut guide.
Alpha Delta
15
5
10
$10
Described by customers as “wenzel,” “wenzel,” and “wenzel,” Alpha Delta is known for its classic sandwiches. But don’t ignore the “sickened” atmosphere, which is “like a hangover for your eyes.” The delivery, on the other hand, “still isn’t here, what the fuck?” although some argue “Dude, you just ordered it like five minutes ago!”
Yorkside
20
15
15
$8
With pizza described as “not the worst” and “Did you know they serve Greek food here too?” Yorkside is a popular destination among Yalies at all hours. However, make sure to stop by on a weekend after nearby Toad’s closes, in order to watch the parade of “naked” and “stumbling” QPac girls, who make sure to stop by a restaurant they call “Oh, God, it’s so warm in here,” “I’m starving”, and “Where am I?”
Something You Make Yourself
5
n/a
self
$3
You can’t beat the convenience of “Fuck it, let’s just make something here,” but it’s important to consider the risks, because “What do we have to make anything out of?” The innovative chef, you, has been known to “just throw everything together” and, many say, “it’ll be great.” Remember, though, you don’t have a car on campus, so “maybe don’t start any fires.” Beyond that, options abound, as long as you’re willing to find out the answer to questions like “Do Parmesan and hot sauce go together?” You may regret it in the morning, but it’ll have you saying “Oh man, this is so good, why have we never thought of this before?” all night.
Gourmet Heaven (or whatever they call it now)
15
15
self
$20
Most great New Haven nights include the phrase “Let’s go to G-Heav.” And there’s good reason; whether you want a “Bacon Egg Cheese”, a “fucking” Philly Cheesesteak, or “one of those weird fucking foreign candies that’s like kiwi or some shit,” you can’t go wrong. Plus, it’s hard to beat the convivial atmosphere, as you can expect to see “everybody I know” if you go at two in the morning. Be prepared to spend big though, as “this shit is expensive as shit,”
An Entire Bag of Chips
5
n/a
self
Found in the back of the cabinets where “I totally forgot I had this bag of chips,” nothing turns around a sad and drunken evening like plowing into these chips, which are “so good.” Frequent eaters warn, “I probably shouldn’t eat this whole bag” and “Oh man, I’m so fucking full,” but, given that they say it through a mouthful of chips, take it with a grain of salt (Get it?). Still, if you’re looking for healthier options, be sure to try to “share some of those fucking chips, Brad.” Written by M. Nobel - Designed by S. Shea
$1
Writing: G. Ambrose| Design: S. Rae-Grant, D. Hoogstraten
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FIVE SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE FRIENDS
1. Ask them what college they’re in. With this simple question you are halfway to making a lifelong friend. But as they say, it takes two to tango. If, after answering, he or she asks you what college you’re in, then the friendships bonds become fully formed. Better call up mom, because it looks like you just found your future child’s godparent! 2. Make the conversation more about them than you. People love talking about themselves. So once you let them into your life a little, one way to make someone feel comfortable is letting them tell you a bit about themselves. Plus, this will make it less likely you’ll accidentally let something slip about what you found in your father’s briefcase that afternoon back in fourth grade, when at last the ghastly truth was made clear! Oh, why dad? WHY!? 3. Let them in on your one weird trick to cut fat. If you let them know that you figured out this one weird trick to cut 10 pounds in just two weeks, that will make you seem innovative and interesting in their eyes. Make sure they’re not a doctor first though — doctors HATE you! 4. Tell them that you thought the word “misled” was pronounced “my-sled” until last week. Studies have shown that people feel a lot less shy around someone after they say something embarrassing about themselves. So why not just bite the bullet and tell your soon-to-be bestie that you had been mispronouncing this simple word for your entire life, and were under the impression that it indicated possession of a sliding land vehicle? You know you’d never be so stupid to both mispronounce and be confused by the meaning of misled, which numerous schoolyard bullies confirm is one of the easiest and most phonetically-spelled words in the English language, stupidhead. But there’s no reason they have to know that! 5. Beyblades. Do I even need to explain?
—A. Kinnane
I think that I shall never see A poem as lovely as dx/dt. Though some operations make me green, A derivative is quick and clean. There is nothing quite so incomplex, In calculus, as dy/dx. (I admit it might not be so easy For those whose schools lacked AP BC.) Nothing surpasses the subtle seduction Of zeroed constants and power reduction. It even gives me some derision When there’s multiplication or division. The chain rule’s simplicity is risible For those in multivariable. And even deriving implicitly Is usually elementary. But the integral, derivative’s twin Makes me grimace in chagrin. When antidifferentiation fails There is nothing to do but bite my nails And hope there are no parts or substitution And join whatever institution Worships the vengeful deities Of these dx’s and dt’s. But TBH, who gives a shit? I can work for Goldman with a degree in Lit. Poems are made by fools like me But only nerds love dx/dt. —S. Savitz
S. Gelb
The beginning of college can be a scary time! Everything seems new—your room, the academics, living on your own. Plus, you have to make all new friends! This might seem tough, but not to worry! Just follow these simple tips and you will be well on your way to Friendville, USA.
DERIVATIVES: A POEM
How to Spot an Over-Eager Roommate
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SOLUTIONS TO COMMON ROOMMATE PROBLEMS Problem: Your roommate is a total slob! He leaves stuff all over the place, and your room looks like a pigsty. Solution: Hide his asthma inhaler somewhere in the mess. He needs it to stay alive, so he’ll learn an important lesson about keeping the room organized. Problem: He stays up too late. You need to get some sleep so you can be alert for your classes, but he just won’t go to bed at a reasonable time. Solution: Every night, cover Brian with 47 leeches to drain him of substantial quantities of blood. This will keep him perpetually sleepy and ensure he never goes to bed too late. Problem: He borrows your stuff. It’d be fine if he asked, but he takes your clothes, electronics, and vintage Playboys all the time without even asking for permission. Solution: You know your roommate is allergic to peanuts, so crush them up and rub them over all of your possessions. Next time he’ll think twice before he touches your TopSiders. Problem: He spends too much time in your bathroom. You’re trying to get ready in the morning, but it’s
impossible when he’s always hogging the bathroom. Solution: Pee on Brian’s bed. Maybe if he pooed in a timely manner this wouldn’t have needed to happen. Problem: He ate your Cheetos again! You took the time to walk all the way to the store and purchase them, and now they’re all gone. Not cool, Brian, not cool. Solution: Eat his goldfish. No, not the snack crackers, his actual pet goldfish Harold. Now we’ve both lost something that we cared about, Brian. Problem: He sexiles you all the time. It’s your room, too! Why do you have to sleep on the couch every time he brings a girl or sea mammal home? Solution: Rub peanuts on his condoms too. Not the kind of swelling you were hoping for, is it Brian? Problem: Your roommate is always drunk. He comes home belligerent at all hours of the morning, when you’re just trying to do work. Solution: This one actually isn’t a problem. You’re a fucking nerd, Brian Beitler, and Timur just has way more fun than you. —T. Guler
WAYS TO TELL PEOPLE YOU GO TO YALE WITHOUT BRAGGING I go to Yale, but I swear, it’s not like you think. Yale, but I don’t like “go” there…. I just kind of hang out…go to classes and stuff. I go to Yale…er….oh HAHAHA you thought I said Yale? Of course not! I meant Ya—Baylor. Yeah. I go to Baylor. Yale, but come on—I’m an athlete. No, it’s definitely a real thing. Ultimate Frisbee is really big there; I swear it’s the only reason I got in. I go to Yale, but only to assassinate the future presidents I have a bad feeling about.
I go to Yale but I’m really just an undercover secret service agent protecting—WAIT. NO. I DID NOT TELL YOU THAT. FORGET EVERYTHING. No, I said jail. Yeah, a four-year sentence, it’s rough. I go to Yale, but just so I can participate in this CogSci study. It’s called “Tracing the Origins of Cognitive Deficiencies.” Whatta mouthful! I go to Yale, but my dad was on a train that stopped in New Haven once…. It’s probably a legacy thing. Yale. Weird, right? —A. Mansfield
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REVISED, TOTALLY INOFFENSIVE EDITION OF MEIN KAMPF NOW BEGINS WITH WORDS, “NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT.. ”
Dear laser tractor, I fear that this was a mistake. You work no better than my current tractor, and you’ve killed three of my workers. Oh well. —A sad farmer with a sweet laser tractor
Dear hooting tar, I’m sorry I stole your s’s, but both of our names are lot funnier like this. —An assstronomer
NORTH DAKOTA REVEALED TO BE ELABORATE RUSE
GIRL THAT WON’T STOP COUGHING IN TD LIBRARY DESERVES WORSE THAN DEATH Dear Brad, You say tomato, I say tomato. Let’s call the whole thing off. —Karen, Brad’s former fiancée who says tomato the same way as he does, but is still dumping him
YORKSIDE RESTAURANT EST. 1969
A FAMILY AND YALE TRADITION FOR OVER 40 YEARS
COME AND EXPERIENCE ONE OF YALE AND NEW HAVEN'S FAVORITE RESTAURANTS! RATED ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC COLLEGE TOWN FOOD JOINTS IN AMERICA BY SPOON UNIVERSITY
Open seven days a week
Enjoy two large screen TVs in our backroom!
Lunch Dinner Late Night
Welcome back to all Yale students and a special welcome to the Class of 2019! - The Koutroumanis Family and Yorkside Staff
Pizza · Pasta · Casseroles · Subs · Gyros · Souvlaki Sandwiches · Seafood · Chicken · Steak · Salads Daily Specials · Hot or Cold Platters · Burgers · Wings Beer · Wine · Desserts · Ice Cream · Milkshakes
288 YORK STREET
LOCATED NEXT DOOR TO TOAD'S PLACE, BEHIND STERLING MEMORIAL LIBRARY
Call ahead for orders to go: 203-787-7471 203-787-7472 Find us online at yorksidepizza.com and like us on www.facebook.com/yorkside
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LOCAL DAD REPORTEDLY SITTING ON COUCH, MAKING THROAT-CLEARING NOISES AND INTERMITTENTLY FALLING ASLEEP Dear lit. professor, If you’re going to call pretty much anything that’s longer than it is wide a phallic symbol, then isn’t Prince Hamlet just one giant, walking phallic symbol waving around a phallus weapon with his phallic symbol fingers? It seems like the only things in the play you can’t call phallic symbols are the abstract concepts like time. —Dave Dear Dave, Are you familiar with the expression “the arrow of time”? —Your lit. professor
OLDEST CIVIL WAR VETERAN STILL DEAD, 59 YEARS LATER Dear acquaintance, You really have to try meditation. Ever since I decided to acknowledge my spiritual self I’ve become so much more in tune with the universe. —A man who occasionally sits with his eyes closed and thinks about old episodes of Seinfeld
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