The Great Outdoors Issue

Vol. 144, No. 3

THE YALE

Dec. 9, 2015

RECORD

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

join@yalerecord.com

SMALL BUSINESS OWNER INVESTS IN STEP STOOL Dear Charmander, Charmander CHAR! Char!

—Another Charmander

Dear Pokémon, Your sex sounds so weird.

Please stop.

—Ash Ketchum

”SPRAY IT, DON’T SAY IT” SAYS NEW AD FOR HOSE-AND-BALL-GAG GIFT SET Dear Yale Record, Did you know ducks have corkscrew penises?

—A cat trying to distract from its own weirdly barbed penis

Dear contestants, We asked 100 hundred serfs to name a baron they would least like to work for.

—Steve Harvey, host of “Family Feudalism”

Dear army, Are you the people who defend my country from the bad guys, or are you an adjective to describe someone who has arms? I’m curious.

—Timmy, age six

THE LEFT WING HAS GONE TOO FAR, REPORTS TERRIFIED PILOT

Dear Timmy, I wish we could be both, but our veterans have had to sacrifice a lot to protect you.

—The army

Dear muscle man, Where does muscle milk come from? Do you squeeze it from your glorious triceps, or pump it from your intimidating glutes? I only wish to know from whence this sweet, fragrant nectar is harvested, so I can appreciate it all the more.

—A bro

AFTER TERRIBLE SUMMER, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAS A GREAT FALL

MEDIOCRE-LOOKING STUDENT NAMED DAN FINALLY REACHES LIMIT ON “HANDSOME DAN” JOKES Dear doctor injecting serum into my arm, Are you serum-ious?

—Just a guy trying to keep his lethal injection lighthearted

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MERRIAM-WEBSTER REDEFINES Fine “UTOPIA”: WORLD IN WHIIndian CH TRUMP ALWAYS RUNNING FORCuisine PRESIDENT, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY PRESIDENT

“A treat for the senses.”

—Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes.”

York Times Dear Manic Pixie—New Dream Gargoyle,

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

WANTED: Culinary study participants.

Are you healthy, lean, and marinated for 2-3 hours?

You’re soHours quirky and relatable. I love the way you wear bows and polka Lunch Monday - Saturday: AM30 - 2:30 dots even though11:30 you’re yearsPM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM old. I love the way you act as a spout designed to convey Dinnerwater from a roof Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PMof- 10:00 PM I and away from the side a building.

Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM wish we could be together, but I know that’s not possible, because you’re Free Delivery the Fast, lead singer in an all-girl vegan ukulele band, I am just a pigeon Every Dayand Lunch Buffet who vaguely148resembles a young Joseph York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 Gordon-Levitt.

203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com —A pigeon who actually looks nothing like a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt

CONCERNS VOICED OVER SUITEMATE WHO DRESSES EXCLUSIVELY IN WORKOUT GEAR BUT HAS NEVER DONE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY Dear Jim, When are you finally going to get a job and move out of the house?

You’ve been here three years, you bloodsucking parasite.

—A man whose friend Jim crawls into bed with him every night, inserts a straw in the back of his neck, and slowly, deliberately drains his blood, drop by drop

THAT’S A NICE-ASS SEAT, REPORTS MAN LOOKING AT A TOILET WITH A NICE ASS-SEAT

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JUDAIC STUDIES DEPT. RELEASES REPORT ABOUT THIS NICE JEWISH DOCTOR WHO’D JUST BE PERFECT FOR YOU, HE’S BARBARA’S SON, YOU REMEMBER BARBARA

Dear vulture, Fuckin’ EAT ME already!

—A deranged old man

Dear Union, It’s not you. It’s me. Really, you’re perfect. It’s just I think I may want to move in a new direction, maybe find a more perfect.... you.

Dear Bernie Sanders, My name used to be Hillary Clinton, but I changed it to Bernie Sanders because that name polls better with the American people. I hope you don’t mind.

—Bernie Sanders

—We the People of the United States

STATISTICS ON FLYING CARPET CRASH FATALITIES SWEPT UNDER THE RUG

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MAN REALLY PLEASED BY AMERICA’S RELATIVE LACK OF BIRDS

Dear Bernie Sanders, No worries. I like to talk about myself in the third person anyway, and anything that makes me appear less senile is fine by me.

—Bernie Sanders

Wanted:

FOOT leader.

Must have strong leadership skills and be 1 foot tall.

               



  

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Dear Hollywood, Pitch idea: “The Wedding Horse.”

Possibly a sequel to “War Horse”?

—Quentin Tarantino in his twilight years

STATS MAJOR DECLARES BOYFRIEND’S PENIS STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT

YPU DEBATE TOPIC ANNOUNCED: “RESOLVED: WAS AL GORE HOT?”

Dear Jim, That really gets my goat.

—A guy pointing at a second goat that fully understands his goat

Dear cat, Fuck you and everything you stand for.

—A man whose cat stands up every time the Soviet Pledge of Allegiance is read

Dear Maddie, Your mother would weep if she saw what you’ve become.

—Jim, father of Maddie, who has become a gigantic onion

on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm

Dear global warming, Can you speed up please?

—A Californian desperately struggling with New England weather Dear Californian desperately struggling with New England weather, Vote Republican.

—Global warming

MASSIVE UNDERGROUND JENGA GAMBLING RING FALLS, CHAOS ENSUES

We deliver! Find us on Grubhub or call 203-782-6000

Emmy Waldman ‘11

November 1st, 2015

Ah, the great outdoors!

There’s no better place to breathe in the fresh mountain air, stretch out your arms, and exclaim, to no one in particular, “Ah, the great outdoors!”

I am writing these words from the untamed forests of the Pacific Northwest, on the first day of the Record’s annual staff camping trip.

Perched atop a tree branch, listening to the birds sing while I discretely snack on their eggs, everything is peaceful.

Over yonder knoll, Archie and Brian are playing Frisbee using a platypus they’ve just befriended, and Sam is giggling to himself as the phrase “pitch a tent” keeps recurring in his head. I can just make out Daniel in a distant heath, whispering Dutch lullabies to wilting flowers. Meanwhile, the rest of the staff is gathered in the darks of the bog, recounting legends of the hidden temple to one another by torchlight.

Here, though, it’s just me and Gary, the Record’s punctuation editor, who’s snoring contentedly at the base of this tree.

All is well. I am heartened by the knowledge that no one has ever died in the woods.

November 4rd, 2015

Two days have passed since a bear killed Gary.

His death has been rough on us all. The famous Ethan-Gary bromance has been shattered, along with his dreams of one day rising to the position of White House punctuation editor. For the past two days, Brian’s been crying almost twice as hard as usual.

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The Record tried to hold a service, but without Gary to help edit our speeches it turned out horribly. “I’m really sad?” said Madeline. “I’ll always! miss his—smile!” attempted Mitchell, grimacing.

Only Louisa managed to get her message through clearly. “The bears take one of ours, we come right back at them and take two of theirs!” she screamed over our cheers, only later adding, slightly less effectively, “??!-,..;!?!!!,!”

So it’s been decided. The Record is on a mission for woodland revenge.

November 16th, 2015

Morale is low, and so is food. For the past few days, we’ve only had enough bird eggs left to feed Archie. For the time being, his glowing smile is enough to keep us going, but I don’t know how long we can keep this up.

This morning Rachel came upon a set of bear tracks leading in the direction of the deepest, darkest part of the woods. We’ve been following them, but with each step we notice our surroundings growing deeper and darker. There are big spiders and other spooky stuff, too.

We are subsumed with fear. Yet, no one so much as acknowledges the possibility of turning back. Gary, our beloved punctuation editor, deserves justice, and we will do all that we can to give it to him.

This may very well be the end of the Record.

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November 20th, 2015

I cannot describe to you the horrors we have seen. We have seen bears in corsages and boutonnieres, swaying slowly to the smooth harmonies of Boys II Men. We have seen bears with thick eyeglasses and clip-on bowties, standing uncomfortably at the edge of the danceheath. We have seen bears struggling to ladle hiker-blood punch, mock-roaring for Snapchat stories, pawing at their dates under the table.

We have seen, in short, bear prom.

This year’s theme, as proclaimed by a banner hung between two mighty redwoods: “Dead Gary.” And, sure enough, there was his skeleton propped up just to the side of the punch bowl, with dozens of bear couples lined up to snap photos with it.

We fled from the scene as quickly as we came upon it, our love for Gary overwhelmed by our fear of being eaten and our bad memories of prom.

I am writing these words from my suite back at Yale, with the refrigerator door open and the heat fully on. I now understand what I failed to before: The outdoors are horrifying, not great. I will not be able to sleep soundly until all of nature is annihilated.

June 2nd, 2017

Wow, that was quicker than I expected!

—B. Garfinkel

Editor in Chief

Nick Goel ’16 Chairman

Benjamin Garfinkel ’16 Editor in Chief

Ian Gonzalez ’16 Publisher

Annelisa Leinbach ’16 Art Director

Allison Mansfield ’17 Assistant Design Editor

Chasan Hall ’18 Assistant Video Editor

Louisa Cone ’18 Associate Publicity Manager

Mitchell Harris ’16 Business Manager

Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor

Sasha Rae-Grant ’18 Design Editor

Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel

Graham Ambrose ’18 Managing Editor

Brian Beitler ’18 Managing Editor

Archie Kinnane ’18 Managing Editor

Rachel Lackner ’17 Managing Editor

Alex Ringlein ’18 Online Editor

Sam Savitz ’17 Publicity Manager

Ben Rudeen ’17 Staff Director

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Supplementals Editor

Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Video Director

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Amanda Corcoran ’18, Valcy Etienne ’16, Max Goldberg ’17, Sahil Gupta ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Joseph Kuperschmidt ’16,

Doo Lee ’16, Roger Lopez ’18, Jonathan Rutter ’18, Natalya Sanghvi ’18, Harrison Schneider ’17, Justin Shi ’18,

Sarah Sukin ’18, Teddy Thum ’18, Alex Zhang ’18

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Sierra Baer ’18, Emma Chanen ’19, Emma Garcia ’19, Timur Guler ’18, Rob Henderson ’18, Jake Houston ’19,

Susanqi Jiang ’19, Elizabeth Kingsley ’19, Yanna Lee ’17, Will Nixon ’19, Micah Osler ’19, Jack Roth ’19,

Andrew Sandweiss ’19, Eve Sneider ’19, Rachel Treisman ’19, Lane Unsworth ’19,

Special Thanks to: Sex, words that sound like one another, and the senselessness of human existence, for together providing the material for 90% of our jokes.

Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Annelisa Leinbach ‘16, who drew heavily from her own experience of being in parking lots.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIV, No. 3, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2015 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

Ways To Preserve Water for California In January, California entered a state of emergency due to a crippling drought. While some argue that the problem stems from years of maintaining 860 golf courses, water parks with 1,000-foot waterslides, and sprinklers that water pavement, it’s important not to jump to conclusions until all the science is in. In the meantime, here are three strategies the Record recommends for preserving water for California.

Make being water-free trendy.

Six years ago, no one knew what the fuck gluten was. Now every third person you meet is glutenfree. If we can get people to adopt the same mindset about water, then boom — we’re well on our way to solving the crisis.

Drink soda instead.

Everyone knows that a can of soda has 84 cups of sugar in it and diet soda has that fake sugar that gives mice celiac disease or chlamydia or something.

The point is, more sugar equals less water, so drinking that soda doesn’t just taste better, it also saves California.

Use two water fountains.

You’ve had this happen: You’re drinking from a fountain and someone suddenly uses the one next to

you and the one you’re using loses water pressure.

It’s pretty clear that when that happens, less water is being released from your fountain, thus saving water.

So the next time you’re drinking from a fountain, ask someone to use the one next to you, or just reach over and press the button yourself. Who could have thought doing your part could be so simple?

—R. Henderson

Things Bear Grylls Should’ve Tried Before Drinking His Own Piss Rethinking his career Quitting The Jack Daniel’s his cameraman is sipping Bringing water with him The blood of a dire wolf (2% skim) Tree sap Another bear’s piss Literally any other non-solid he could have put into his mouth Becoming an accountant, just like his mom always wanted Running off to the Costco right across the street from his campsite —A. Sandweiss

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Things Backpackers are Tired of Hearing

Gorgeous Animals I’d Love to Shoot

You must be great with kids!

Fuck, marry, kill? A sunset, trees, and pine trees.

You smell like my friend Mike who also backpacks.

What are sticks for?

What do you do if the mountain you are climbing doesn’t have a top?

Are you a fan of Philip Glass? You look like you would not be a fan of Philip Glass.

Tents are like houses, kind of.

What is the tallest mountain you have ever seen Tom Hanks on?

What is the average height of mountains you have seen Tom Hanks on?

Stop pooping in my backyard!

There are way too many rivers called Snake River.

Thoughts?

Are badgers kosher for Halloween?

The woods aren’t that beautiful, dummy.

Bottlenose Dolphin Not only are they friendly and fun, they also have amazing mental capabilities - teams of dolphins have been known to successfully take on sharks! However, no amount of teamwork or friendship is any match for the fatal rounds of lead that fly out of my barrel at an impossible speed.

—B. Beitler

Ways to Survive a Bear Attack Run really, really fast Taste bad Ask it, “Who’s a good bear?”

Just be yourself Give it a Coke (only works for polar bears) Be the bear in the attack, not the human Bring a group of 13-year-olds who can target the bear’s insecurities Redefine “survive”

—Staff

Red Fox Native to most parts of the United States, foxes are famous for their burrows, called foxholes.

Unfortunately for these bastards, they’re also famous for their pelts, and I’ve got my eye on a brand new scarf.

Snow Leopard This enchanting arctic feline has a coat of pure white, allowing it to effortlessly blend in to its snowy surroundings and stalk its prey. I’ll stain some red into the snow after I use my heat-vision goggles to blast that sucker in the middle of a blizzard.

Lowland Gorilla Hailing from the jungles of Central Africa, these primates live in packs, led by an alpha male called the silverback gorilla. These buffoons can beat their chests all they want, I’m still going to drive a fat slug into their metallic haunches.

Giant Panda These peaceful, silent omnivores spend their days climbing bamboo plants for a tasty snack. I’ll bet you’d be able to hear the thump that this fat rascal would make when it falls to the ground after one more fatal discharge from a mile away. BANG! THUMP. God, I love being human.

—J. Houston

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Signs your camp may be the setting for a horror movie The head counselor’s girlfriend is busty and has no substantial lines The camp janitor keeps to himself, and also has knives for fingers This two-star Yelp review: “Everyone died last year” Guillermo del Toro is always there Its name is the Native American word for “Camp Spooky-Murder” The call is coming from inside the camp You’re responsible for your friend’s death and think you’ll take that secret to your grave It’s built on the site of a Native American horror movie camp —Staff

Animals That Should Really Just be Extinct Slugs Dogs in purses. Also, their owners.

That turkey that bit me one time at the fair Sloths, only so that 12-year-olds will shut up about them.

Giant squid. Now that it’s officially an actual thing, we don’t care anymore. How about Giant Beyoncé instead? Even just Giant Solange?

Slugs Bats, because their penises are lined with spines and that seems problematic to me Caterpillars… It just kind of makes me insecure that they can have this marvelous transformation from fat, ugly blob to beautiful member of society while I’ve lived in a cocoon for years and have yet to see it happen to myself. It’s unfair and they should die.

Those lame fish that only feed off sharks because honestly that’s pathetic AF. All 101 Dalmatians #TeamCruella

—A. Corcoran Other Ways to Describe Hiking

A Bear’s Guide to Camping Travel in a group of 3-4 people. One or two is OK, but you need at least three for a nice, full meal.

Don’t sleep in a tent. You know those annoying wrappers that come on steaks and stuff? That’s what tents are like.

Also, ditto for sleeping bags.

And clothes.

Do wear bug spray, though. Very flavorful.

Build a really big fire so I don’t have to spend all night looking for you.

Sleep near the fire. Continental breakfasts just aren’t the same as a nice, cooked meal.

If you encounter a hungry bear, definitely play dead.

That totally works.

—E. Garcia

Complaining in nature Walking Searching for that perfect Instagram Proving your step-dad wrong (I AM a man, Ron!) Ascending weak slopes Descending weak slopes Going on a sweaty adventure Beating back that existential dread, but with trees Indoor appreciation Lying to yourself that this justifies all the ice cream you ate earlier today. Jesus, Christopher, when are you going to shed those last 10 pounds and start taking yourself seriously? Ron was right. You’re pathetic.

Enjoying the beautiful day —G. Ambrose

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The Record’s Guide to Starting a Fire Step 1: Purchase a Duraflame® Self-Starting fire log.

Step 2: Light it on fire with a match.

Y. Lee

—E. Chanen

GORP vs. GOP

One is good and the other is grand.

Between meals, find both in the Koch brothers’ hands.

Either has the stature to really take a stand.

Is it GORP or the GOP?

You never know what’s to come in this mixed bag of fun.

Even if it’s unexpected, try a taste; don’t run!

As long as it’s around you will still have your gun.

Is it GORP or the GOP?

Pillars of American culture and pride, by the laws of our world they need not abide.

Add dried pineapple? Sure! Cite God? Take it in stride!

Is it GORP or the GOP?

From peanuts to prunes, Perry to Paul, there’s something in here for one and for all.

Not yet? How about Trump, toasted corn, or Jindal?

Is it GORP or the GOP?

Writing: E. Sneider| Design: D. Hoogstraten

“

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Writing Writing& &Design: Design:A.L.Mansfield Unsworth

NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T ·

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 9, 2015 · V OL. CX LIV , NO. 3 2014

· yalerecord.org yalerecord.c

Canada converted to international park

By Jack Roth Staff Reporter CANADA — The United Nations announced Tuesday that Canada is in the process of being converted into a park. The project, as outlined so far, will consist of putting up a sign and relocating the 37 people currently residing in Canada to Fairbanks, Alaska.

Immediately after the announcement was made, President Barack Obama hailed the decision as “a pretty good idea.” Said Obama, a longtime lover of the outdoors and maple syrup, “I don’t really see how this is any different from how it was before, but also I don’t have any problem with it.”

He neglected to note, however, that the United States is expected to gain control of Canada’s abundant maple syrup resources.

Other world leaders have also been very present in the planning of the park. Russian President

It’s better This Way.

Vladimir Putin, for instance, has released a statement saying, “I am excited to announce that Russia will be providing the park ranger’s, all of whom have extensive outdoor experience as former Siberian

lumberjacks.”

Kim Jong-un has also announced that he is planning to visit the park with Mr. Obama and Mr. Putin on a camping trip after his current project as Supreme Leader

of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea has finished filming.

Contact Jack Roth at join@yalerecord.com

Intrepid college student Instagrams without filter

By Rachel Treisman Staff Reporter NEW HAVEN, CT — This past weekend, anyone with an Instragram account and even a slight familiarity with Sarah Moss ‘19 was in for a surprise when viewing her latest post.

The photograph, uploaded at 2:46 PM on Saturday, was an artistic shot of a hiking trail. However, it was not that subject matter that made this post noteworthy. Instead, it was Moss’s refusal to apply any of Instragram’s 27 offered filters to it that turned heads

“I don’t know what compelled me to do it,” admitted Moss when asked about her bold decision.

“I wasn’t really feeling the usual Toaster or Valencia, and then I realized that maybe I didn’t need a filter at all. The trees were surprisingly green without one.”

Instagramming without filtering is widely considered to be a “dangerous game”, according to students. Over 80 percent of participants in a study recently conducted by the Yale Department of Psychology responded “literally none” when asked under which circumstances they would publish

friend Claire Waters ’19. “I just don’t think I ever could.”

Moss added that she has no plans to Instagram anything in the near future, but she does have a few shots from her recent camping trip I wasn’t really feeling the on Lake Winnipesaukee that she’s usual Toaster or Valencia, strongly considering for a “TBT.” and then I realized that mayAt press time, Moss, readying be I didn’t need a filter at all. a picture of a cappuccino, had just The trees were surprisingly spent the last five minutes switchgreen without one. ing back and forth between Normal and Valencia. an unedited photo on social media.

“I think it’s really cool that Sarah is brave enough to post a picture straight from her camera roll,” said

Sarah Moss ’19 Intrepid student

Contact Rachel Treisman at join@yalerecord.com

PUBLISHER RECOVERS ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT OF “WALDEN”

By Elizabeth Kinglsey Staff Reporter Under questionable circumstances, publisher Houghton Mifflin has recovered and decided to publish the first manuscript written by Henry David Thoreau about his time at Walden Pond.

After attending an exclusive preview reading, literary critic Alice Johnson argued, “The underlying meaning here is that Thoreau was discontented by his experience.” She explained, “There are many extended metaphors, some similes, a pinch of symbolism and a smattering of motifs that relay, to

my great surprise — and I think the surprise of the entire world — that Thoreau really, really didn’t like living in the woods.”

Ms. Johnson received the permission of the publisher to release just a few of the excerpts that influenced her interpretation: “I was dead broke … I had no choice …” in the chapter “Economy.” In “Decay” he writes, “I’m so hungry,” and a few lines later, “I’m so very hungry,” and a couple of paragraphs later, “He was my best friend.” In the chapter “Human Necessity,” he muses on a newfound revelation: “I really miss fucking.”

“So you can see,” continued

Point, Counterpoint: Save the Whales POINT: Save the whales.

Whales are majestic creatures and it is our duty to do everything in our power to save them. Aggressive hunting, harmful pollution, and deadly shipping routes are only some of the threats that face whales today, and if we don’t act soon we may have to imagine a world without them. Without whales, what will we watch on whale watching tours? Dumb regular fish? No way! It’s called “whale watching,” not “dumb regular fish watching,” for a reason. Our actions have let a fellow mammal fall into danger of extinction and we can’t sit idly by as these graceful giants disappear.

Contact Sierra Baer at join@yalerecord.com

COUNTEPOINT: I’m a whale and I’m not worth saving.

Please stop any movements to save my species. I have killed countless others, and yet I am denied the punishment I deserve.

Every time I try to make friends with the krill, I swallow them all.

I once ingested two tropical fish, hoping to teach them both a valuable lesson about the meaning of friendship, but unlike in “Finding Nemo”, neither survived. I desperately wish someone would hunt me and make me into something useful like a candle, or an oil lamp.

Maybe then I could at least bring light into one person’s life. The other day I tried to beach myself, but they saved me again. The word “whale” is derogatory for a reason.

Please kill me.

Johnson, “after several reads it seems that what he’s hiding in all this veiled language is some deep, deep despair.”

To my great surprise – and I think the surprise of the entire world – that Thoreau really, really didn’t like living in the woods.

Alice Johnson Literary Critic

Despite a backlash from Thoreau fans attached to a more opti-

mistic interpretation of the text, Houghton Mifflin stands strong in its intent to publish the manuscript. CEO David Manfield wrote in a public statement, “After several lawsuits by individuals who followed the advice of the first published “Walden”, we wanted the public to know the truth about living in the woods. And besides, the quality of the language is so rich; the way he describes that bear attack, you really feel like it’s your flesh being torn apart.”

Readers can look forward to its publication in December.

Contact Elizabeth Kingsley at join@yalerecord.com

All 13 Ways to Die Outdoors, Ranked 1. The ol’ trip-and-stumble-and-then-fall-into-a-bunch- 8. Dignified pratfall of-snakes 2. Visiting Australia

9. Forgetting to put up a tent, you fucking idiot 10. Doing that thing where you hold out a dollar like you’re gonna give it to a bear, but then you snatch it away at the last second

3. Zany pratfall 4. Tent madness 5. Early-onset Alzheimer’s, but, like, outdoors 6. Scurvy

11. Heartbreak

7. Being hunted for sport by Secretary of the Interior

12. Going your whole vacation without getting killed

Sally Jewell

and then getting hit by a goddamn bus in the fucking parking lot 13. Florida

Writing: M. Osler | Design: D. Hoogstraten

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First Drafts of Species Names Name: Squirrel Originally: Bitch-ass Tree Climber Note: Squirrels are soft as fuck.

I could 100% beat up any squirrel.

Name: Gorilla Originally: Brian Beitler Note: Kid has freakishly long arms and arguably too much body hair.

Name: Ape Originally: Cornell Grad Note: They’re not the brightest.

Name: Toad Originally: Was that vomit I just slipped in? God, I hope it was only vomit.

Note: All kidding aside, Toad’s is a filthy, filthy establishment.

Name: Great Blue Heron Originally: The Artist Formerly Known as Tyrannosaurus Rex Note: Fucker peaked in the Cretaceous and never really got over it.

Name: Dogg Originally: Lion Originally Originally: Dogg Originally Originally Originally: Doggy Dog Note: Rollin’ down the street, smokin’ Indo, sippin’ on gin and juice.

Name: Hippopotamus Originally: Your mom.

Note: Boom.

-T. Guler

Writing: T. Guler | Design: A. Mansfield

Y. Lee

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Monologue of a person realizing hiking is actually a strenuous activity 7:00 a.m. : After hours of preparation, I have successfully curated the perfect hiking outfit.

Floppy hat and sunglasses, for that sophisticated Jackie O look. A crisp white shirt and the cutest miniskirt from Urban. Just because I’m hiking through the wilderness doesn’t mean I can let my signature style go unexpressed!

8:00 a.m. : Oh no… oh no… I just stepped into mud, and now the worst has happened. My feet are soaked. Also, only now am I starting to realize that my Prada wedges, though super cute, might not be the best substitute for hiking boots. But hey, in case I get lost in the wilderness, at least I’ll look hot when I send for help.

9:00 a.m. : I hear something behind me. A beast glares with beady eyes that say, “I know you. I know your story.” He looks into my soul. He knows the grade I got on my last econ problem set. He turns away, knowing I am no threat.

9:01 a.m. : False alarm… it was only a squirrel.

11:00 a.m. : Oh no… I only took a few minutes to Snapchat a flower, and now I lost my hiking group. I follow a line of ants that are seeking shelter. I know they will lead me home.

11:15 a.m. : Nope. They just lead me to their anthill.

3:15 p.m. : Great. I’m lost, the sun will be gone soon, sweat’s going into my eyes, I’m blacking out! I guess this is it… goodbye, cruel world! I won’t miss you!

3:18 p.m. : Phew. I found my group again. They were right there all along, but in my confusion I mistook them for bears.

4:00 p.m. : We’ve made it to the top of the hill. Now I can finally take a photo of the view for my Instagram, and put in a nice filter for good measure. For the caption, I insert a quote from Henry David Thoreau where the dude just, like, goes off about the beauty of the outdoors. It’s deep, so you know it’s true.

5:00 p.m. : So maybe I might not be the outdoorsy, nature person I pictured myself to be. I might not even like nature. In fact, I think I only low-key can tolerate it. But hey, 25 people have already liked my Instagram photo! All in all, a success. I could do this again.

—S. Jiang

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Acrostic poems that probably would’ve been better if they didn’t spell out BAD BREATH Bison Awesome Bison Dope Bison

Better come fast!

Remember Everything for the picnic is At The House

Badass Bison Rad Bison Excellent Bison Amazing Bison Terrific Bison Hooray Bison!

Brittany, Anthony’s Dead.

B can be a grade A can be a grade D can be a grade

Bring the Report with you Everywhere. It’s our one shot of making sure he didn’t die for nothing.

Anyways, Terrific job at the spelling bee. Best, Hollis Montgomery III

B can be a grade R can’t be a grade E can’t be a grade Anthony, do you know why E can’t be a grade?

Tom… Anthony’s been dead for 15 years. Where do you think we are? Best, Hollis Montgomery III —A. Kinnane

A. Leinbach

Beets Apples Delicious grapes

T he G reat O utdoors I ssue

POINT:

COUNTERPOINT:

Being outdoors is healthy

I’m the guy from 127 Hours

As any human being knows, being outside is good for you. It gives you a chance to appreciate the beauty of nature, and grants you some much-needed perspective on your place in the world. But that’s not all! Studies show that hiking is one of the best things you can do for both your body and your mind. A person can burn up to 500 calories an hour while hiking, and it has been scientifically proven to increase attention spans, spur creativity, and alleviate depression.

So lace up those boots and hit them happy trails!

Hey. Remember when James Franco was still mostly just an actor? OK, well he made a little movie called 127 Hours. What happened in that movie, you ask?

Well, as the title vaguely suggests, I—me, not James Franco, me—was stuck between a rock and a hard place (and by that I mean another rock) for 127 hours. I’m going to repeat myself in case that hilarious wordplay distracted you from the horrifying experience I mentioned: I had my arm caught between two rocks for like five fucking days.

Would anyone like to venture a guess as to how I got there? No, not a bad acid trip. I was hiking.

So is being outdoors good for you?

Let me rephrase that question: Is getting trapped in a crevasse for a very long time and cutting your arm off with a Leatherman good for you? In the short term, no. In the long term, definitely not.

—W. Nixon

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me o c p u d stan

dy

performers wan ence nted, no expe performersecwant essaryed,ri-

me

ssa

SECTION ASSHOLE ACTUALLY DOES READING, CONTRIBUTES TO DISCUSSION Dear disintegrating man, Do you honestly want to go back to the era of Jim Crow?

—A man who for some reason associates the Jim Crow era primarily with people physically eroding

Dear Best Buy, I know you have good products, but can you really say it’s the best buy? Sure it’s a better buy than some, but there must be an even better buy somewhere else.

Maybe try Circuit City?

—The ghost of Circuit City, reincarnated as a bitchy Yelp commenter

IT’S TIME FOR CHANGE, REPORTS CASHIER

ge s

no experience necessary

am

uel

.sav inte itz@ rest yale ed? .ed u

MAN BUYING CIALIS FOR DAILY USE HAS UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS Dear aerial magician, I love the sky and all, but do you think you could perform some tricks down here? My mom’s dying of cancer and could use a miracle or two. Or at least a laugh.

—A concerned son

YORKSIDE RESTAURANT EST. 1969

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COME AND EXPERIENCE ONE OF YALE AND NEW HAVEN'S FAVORITE RESTAURANTS! RATED ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC COLLEGE TOWN FOOD JOINTS IN AMERICA BY SPOON UNIVERSITY

Open seven days a week

Enjoy two large screen TVs in our backroom!

Lunch Dinner Late Night

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Call ahead for orders to go: 203-787-7471 203-787-7472 Find us online at yorksidepizza.com and like us on www.facebook.com/yorkside

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LOCAL GRAVEYARD REALLY STINKS, REPORTS MAN WHO SPENDS HIS FREE TIME SNIFFING GRAVEYARDS Dear heart emoji, I know you’re no substitute for the real thing, but seeing you always brings a smile to my face.

—A man waiting for a heart transplant, who gets through all his lonely hours in the hospital by talking to his phone’s emoji keyboard Dear man waiting for a heart transplant, Shhh…it’s ok. I’m here for you, and I’ll validate your struggle every step of the way.

—The heart emoji, who’s unsure how to handle the situation and is reading from a Dr. Phil script that he found in O Magazine

LARGER TRENCH COAT REVEALED TO BE TWO SMALLER TRENCHCOATS IN ONE MEDIUM-SIZED TRENCHCOAT Dear Sunday school class, And Jesus wept, because he had stubbed his toe.

—Someone who got to a really dull part in the Gospels

hours

Monday - Thursday 7am - 6pm Friday 7am - 3pm Saturday 7:30am - 1:30pm

contact 338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203 - 777 - 6736 F: 203 - 777 - 6740

we cater

Catering: 203 - 777 - 6735

A. Leinbach

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27

ARRIVE IN A BETTER FRAME OF MIND. With downtown-to-downtown service on the Northeast Regional SM, you can avoid the stress and hassles of traffic and get to the heart of Cubism, Expressionism, or any other “ism” that Boston, Philadelphia and Washington, DC have to offer.

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This offer is valid for travel on the Northeast Regional train service only. Advance reservations are required a minimum of fourteen (14) days prior to travel. Once purchased, tickets are nonrefundable; exchanges are permitted within the ticket validity period. Blackouts apply on the following dates: 2/13/15, 2/16/15, 4/02/15– 4/03/15, 4/06/15, 5/22/15, 5/25/15, 07/02/15–07/03/15, 07/05/15, 9/04/15, 9/07/15, 10/12/2015, 11/24/15–11/25/15, 11/28/15–11/29/15, 12/19/15–12/23/15, 12/26/15–12/30/15, 01/02/16– 01/03/16. Seating is limited; seats may not be available on all trains at all times. Fares are subject to availability. Up to 2 children ages 2–12 may accompany each adult at half the regular (full) adult rail fare. This offer is valid for Coach seats only; no upgrades permitted.

This offer is not combinable with any other discount offer. In addition to the discount restrictions, this offer is also subject to any restrictions, blackouts, and refund rules that apply to the type of fare purchased. Fares, routes, and schedules are subject to change without notice. Once travel has begun, no changes to the itinerary are permitted. Other restrictions may apply. Amtrak and Northeast Regional are registered service marks of the National Railroad Passenger Corporation.