The Middle School Issue

Vol. 144, No. 4

THE YALE

Jan. 25, 2016

RECORD

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

join@yalerecord.com

“MY COVER HAS BEEN BLOWN,” REPORTS MAN HAVING SEX WITH A BLANKET Dear America, I am a racist. I would like to do racist things.

—Donald Trump, making what CNN will later describe as a “gaffe”

Dear feet, You are the hands of the leg.

—A Ph.D. candidate in biology, studying

BUMBLING BEE TRIPS OVER OWN MANDIBLES Dear students, The more you complain about the food, the worse we make it. Duh. —Every dining hall staff ever

Dear Tony, When you’re ready, come and get it. And by it, I mean a devastating and potentially fatal autoimmune disorder.

And also, it doesn’t matter if you’re ready.

—Lupus

WOMAN WAKES UP BLOODIED, FINDS OUT THAT JUST GOING TO HAPPEN REGULARLY FOR MOST OF HER LIFE Dear Son, Your theories are freaking me out, we need to talk.

—Amalia Freud Dear Mother, I thought you liked it freaky.

—Sigmund

CHALLENGER EXPLOSION JOKE DOESN’T LAND WELL Dear Payne Whitney Gym, We hope that you will agree to host our town hall meeting on the title of “stairmaster.” We welcome this discussion and look forward to working with you to make this campus a better place.

—A group of white students, who might be trolls, but who also might just honest-to-God be this way Dear America, I have been on the moon. In fact, I built the moon. 90% of Mexican immigrants hate the moon.

—Donald Trump, making what CNN will later classify as “disputed claims”

TABLE IN ACTION MOVIE JUST WAITING TO BE CRUSHED BY HERO

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THE RAIN IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY IN Fine THE MOUNTAINS, REPORTS KILLJOY Indian CLIMATOLOGICuisine ST “A treat for the senses.”

Dear everyone, —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes.”

I can’t believe—New no one told me York Times

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

For sale: Anacondas. Since you might be swallowed whole eventually, why not make it now?

that my sleeves had ripped off, and that my Hours strong, tan arms were exposed! I’m Lunch so embarrassed that saw Monday - Saturday: 11:30everyone AM - 2:30 PMmy Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM strong, tan arms!

—A man wearing a sleeveless shirt Dinner

Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Dear-saw dust, 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM Friday Saturday:

We write to inform you that your use Fast, of the name dust” constitutes Free“saw Delivery copyright infringement, that we Every Day Lunchand Buffet will take legal action if you do not 148 York Street, cease andNew desist atCTonce.

Haven, 06511We thank you 203-776-8644 for your compliance. www.zaroka.com —The Society of People Who Once Saw Dust-in Hoffman

“I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM WHEN BEING MURDERED” REPORTS TERRIFYING ICE CREAM MAN Dear Titanic, Sucks to suck!

—Hindenburg, May 5, 1937 Dear Hindenburg, Karma’s a bitch, you hydrogenfilled moron!

—Challenger Space Shuttle, January 27, 1968 Dear Challenger, Oh the irony, you dumbass!

—A man who just ordered spaghetti while on a date

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PAIR O’ DICE LOST, DECLARES JOHN MILTON, WHO REALLY WANTS TO PLAY RISK RIGHT NOW Dear America, I murdered a four-year-old immigrant and am eating him. Look.

You are watching me eat him.

—Donald Trump, at what CNN will later describe as a “controversial campaign event”

WOMAN WEARING MEGADEATH T-SHIRT JUST REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT ATOMIC BOMBS

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Dear Mom, Why do I have so many freckles?

—Susie Dear Susie, I don’t have freckles. Your dad doesn’t have freckles. Your grandparents and siblings don’t have freckles. Connect the dots.

—Mom

MAN REALLY PLEASED BY AMERICA’S RELATIVE LACK OF BIRDS Dear slang, How come you’ve found a use for “salty,” but not for “peppery”? I think “peppery” would be a great slang word. As in, “Wow, dude, that’s one peppery bitch,” or, “Next stop, ballin’ at the peppery city.” But these are just suggestions.

—Pepper

For sale:

Feet. Because sometimes you deserve other people’s feet more than they do.

               



  

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Dear bludgeons, What are you, exactly? I think I’ve literally never seen a bludgeon, not even a picture of one. Do you even exist? Did you ever exist? Am I a bludgeon? Do I exist?

—A philosophy student in a military history class

HIPSTER NASCAR RACER MAKES RIGHT TURN, DIES Dear America, ​I’m ready for Hillary.

—Bill Clinton wearing only a saxophone

JERK CHICKEN CAUGHT CHEATING ON GIRLFRIEND, WHO IS ALSO A CHICKEN Dear Myron, Can you pass me the applesauce?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, WHAT!?!?

—Myron

“WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?” ASKS PHILOSOPHICAL BABY

on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm

Dear Myron, I said, CAN YOU PASS THE APPLESAUCE!?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, FOR GOD’S SAKE, ETHEL, YOU DON’T NEED TO SHOUT! —Myron

“BOX OFFICE RECEIPTS LOOK GOOD,” REPORTS HOMELESS MAN WORKING FROM HOME

We deliver! Find us on Grubhub or call 203-782-6000

Emmy Waldman ‘11

It was another dreary day at Yale.

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s a dull rain beat at the windows, the Record staff lay about the office, brainstorming pieces for the Lethargy Issue.

“Ten Whatevers You May Not Have Whatever,” suggested Madeline, sprawled across a pile of coats.

“What If Disney Were Poop?” suggested Chasan, face down on the carpet.

“Poopdog Days,” suggested Ian, from under the couch. “Yale Announces Poopdog Days Program.”

This being by far the best proposal anyone had made in an hour, we all took it as an opportunity to nap for the next two. The office fell silent, aside from the steady tap-tap-tapping of the rain and the faint, disapproving groans of the ghost of Mark Twain, who hangs out with us sometimes.

We awoke even more dispirited than before.

“I’m tired of this,” said Ben, who was draped over a lamp. “It’s the same thing every day here—write this paper, replace this word with ‘poop,’ eat this food, have fingers, think.

We’re stuck in a rut.”

“I can’t take it anymore,” said Brian, whose tears were once again appropriate in a broken-clock-right-twice-a-day kind of way. “We need a way to break this cycle.”

“But how?” we all cried out in unison.

In just a moment, it was Alison who had the solution. “It’s time,” she declared, “that we returned to the real shortest, gladdest years of life.”

It was our first day at Wexler-Grant Middle School, and we were sitting in homeroom.

“The Yale Record is coming all the way from a middle school in Canada, so I hope you’ll all be extra welcoming to them,” Mrs. Oakley was saying.

Each of us was expertly disguised as a preteen. I, for instance, had opted to rock lime-green braces and a pair of light-up heelies. Meanwhile, the ghost of Mark Twain had squeezed himself into a boy’s size My Chemical Romance tee, and Ethan, con-

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cerned that his body might be implausibly enormous, was sporting a cap that read “I AM ACTUALLY FIVE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.” At first, everything went smoothly. By the end of first period, Rachel had earned a spot in the inner clique of Jessica L., the most popular Jessica in class, by spreading a rumor that Jessica M. and Jessica R. thought the Holocaust never happened. By the end of second period, Chris had even worked his way to the top of the boy’s underground beyblade ring, taking advantage of his extra decade of intense practice. Third period, English, started a little shaky when another student noticed Brian’s beard, but luckily Archie’s soulful reading of two paragraphs of Where the Red Fern Grows was able to distract everyone with thoughts of their pets’ deaths.

It was only in fourth period, gym, that things started to turn sour, when the Record’s complete failure to exercise and, particularly, to lift our arms above waist level in years took its toll. By the end of the class, we had each taken several dodgeballs to the face and been called several highly problematic variations of “snotbrains.”

It was during lunch period, however, that everything finally fell apart. As we slowly discovered that our bodies had lost the ability to process school hot dog meat, Rachel struggled to put to a rest a rumor, started by Jessica K., that she had a crush on Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. A horrible beyblade accident in the back of the lunchroom put a sudden end to Chris’s career in that noble sport, and a cruel comment about my braces had everyone calling me “Teeth-

Nick Goel ’16 Chairman

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belt Boy.” Finally, Mrs. Gleicker forced Ethan to take off his cap, making his true identity immediately clear to all.

Within minutes the ruse was over, and the Record found ourselves sitting out by the curb, wondering how it had all gone so wrong.

“Wait, on second thought,” said Alison, “wasn’t middle school actually really, really, really unpleasant?”

“We probably shouldn’t have formally withdrawn from Yale,” said Nick, super unhelpfully.

“BOOOOOO,” said Mark Twain’s ghost.

“BOOOOOO.” At last, Brian’s tears had become appropriate again.

Out there on the street, the wheels of my sneakers blinking like distress signals, I couldn’t help but think that they always do.

What’s next for the newly homeless Yale Record?

Will we all die of hunger? Will the Mitchell-and-ghost-ofMark-Twain shippers finally get what they want? Find out next time!

Until then, please enjoy the rest of this issue, which is packed full of pieces that plumb the awkward, Axe-dowsed, excessively sweaty depths of middle school. We’re delivering all of the laughs and none of the having to glean what puberty is from an episode of Full House.

So kick back, relax, and prepare to feel intensely uncomfortable all over again.

—B. Garfinkel

Editor in Chief

Benjamin Garfinkel ’16 Editor in Chief

Ian Gonzalez ’16 Publisher

Annelisa Leinbach ’16 Art Director

Alison Mansfield ’17 Assistant Design Editor

Chasan Hall ’18 Assistant Video Editor

Louisa Cone ’18 Associate Publicity Manager

Mitchell Harris ’16 Business Manager

Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor

Sasha Rae-Grant ’18 Design Editor

Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel

Graham Ambrose ’18 Managing Editor

Brian Beitler ’18 Managing Editor

Archie Kinnane ’18 Managing Editor

Rachel Lackner ’17 Managing Editor

Alex Ringlein ’18 Online Editor

Sam Savitz ’17 Publicity Manager

Ben Rudeen ’17 Staff Director

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Supplementals Editor

Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Video Director

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Matt Abuzalaf ’18, Spencer Birney ’18, Emma Chanen ’19, Amanda Corcoran ’18, Valcy Etienne ’16, Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19,

Jackie Ferro ’17, Max Goldberg ’17, Timur Guler ’18, Sahil Gupta ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Jake Houston ’19,

Susanqi Jiang ’19, Shea Ketsdever ’19, Katie Kidney ’19, Lizzy Kingsley ’19, Joseph Kuperschmidt ’17, Doo Lee ’16, Yanna Lee ’17, Adam Lessing ’19,

Vicki Liu ’19, Roger Lopez ’18, Leila Murphy ’19, Henry Robinson ’19, Jonathan Rutter ’18, Natalya Sanghvi ’18, Harrison Schneider ’17, Justin Shi ’18,

Eve Sneider ’19, Xavier Sottile ’19, Sarah Sukin ’18, Teddy Thum ’18, Rachel Treisman ’19, Lane Unsworth ’19, Alissa Wang ’19, Alex Zhang ’18

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Nicole Eskow ’19, Jordy Gardenswartz ’18, Micah Osler ’18,

Special Thanks to: McDonald’s! We love McDonald’s, but for the right price maybe we’d be willing to love it even more publicly.

Cover: Annelisa Leinbach ’16, who opted not to depict Muhammad out of respect, but would like you to know he’s break-dancing by the punch bowl.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIV, No. 4, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2016 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

Inner Monologue of a Catholic Schoolgirl Oh God, I’m zoning out in Mass again.

Oh God, I just took God’s name in vain. Oh Jesus, I just did it again. Why can’t I stop sinning? And Joseph, he just makes me want to sin more! He’s such a perfect Good Catholic Boy. I just want to sin all over him.

Ugh, this weekly Mass thing is just a sin-fest. First off, during the Lord’s Prayer we have to hold hands, and we’re sitting with the guys from our brother school. Then when they all walk up to get Communion, it’s like a runway of nice Catholic booty. You see all the khakis and the Sperrys and ties and multicolored collared shirts and Lord Jesus! Have mercy on my fornicating soul.

Joseph and I are totally getting married. I mean, my name is Mary. Like, who wouldn’t want Mary and Joseph to get married? God wanted them to get married.

I do have my limits, though. I’m totally not going to give birth in a manger. Like, seriously, what was Mother Mary thinking? If God really cared about her, He wouldn’t have let her give birth to His only son in a manger. God can do anything. Julia’s in 11th grade and she told me that if you pray hard enough, He’ll keep you from getting pregnant.

I can’t wait for my wedding with Joseph, he and I are going to have such a nice fami—

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. He just looked at me. This is real. He turned his head like 45 degrees. I mean, I didn’t have a protractor, but, like, the head turn was real. He totally looked at me and I know he didn’t look at Magdalene, since she was on the other side of the chapel and is uglier than Abraham. Magdalene is such a whore, one time, she kissed a boy. With tongue.

—K. Kidney Ways Your Facebook Posts Have Changed Since Middle School You now limit yourself to one emoji per status Instead of posting your strong opinions on Rebecca Black’s “Friday” video, you are now posting strong opinions regarding capitalism and social justice No more passive-aggressive, immature comments. Those are on Twitter now.

You no longer post affectionate song lyrics as a way to get your crush to notice you You no longer post break-up song lyrics when said crush does not notice you Y0ur p0$+$ d0n’T |_ooK l!k3 th!$ @nyMor3!

You’ve stopped tagging your friends in random clip art images and photos of the Jonas Brothers The captions for your profile pictures have become less romantic and more uncomfortably self-deprecating.

You no longer post daily updates, since the only person consistently following them was your mom, and she asked you to stop —N. Eskow

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Variations of the Trolley Problem The trolley problem is a classic thought experiment in philosophy, used to probe a person’s deepest moral intuitions.

You may have studied it before, but have you heard every version? Read on to find out!

An approaching train is headed toward a track with five people tied to it, but the track beside it has only one person. You are standing next to a lever that, if pulled, will switch the tracks so that the train only hits one person.

What do you do?

An approaching train is headed toward a track with nobody on it, but on the track beside it your Nana is holding up a sign that says “I trust you, grandson.” You are standing next to a lever that, if pulled, will switch the tracks and produce a Klondike bar. What would you do?

An approaching train is headed toward a track with five clowns tied to it, but the track beside it only has one clown.

You are standing next to a lever that, if pulled, will copy the train so that it hits all of the clowns. What do you do?

An approaching train is headed toward an empty track. The other track is also empty, but you are standing next to a lever that, if pulled, will send the train to the previous example where it will hit the sixth clown. What do you do?

An approaching train has turned into Megatron, and headed towards it is another train which has turned into Optimus Prime. You are standing next to a lever that, if pulled, will make literally everything explode. What do you do?

A large cactus seems to be waddling towards a tub of oatmeal, but if you relax your vision, it looks like it’s heading for you. You are standing next to a kangaroo effigy that, if set alight, will purge all the LSD from your system.

What do you do?

If I gave you 20 bucks, would you fuck a train?

—E. Campbell-Taylor

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Middle School Yearbook Superlatives Most likely to be a College Confidential contributor Most likely to care too much about Most Likely To’s Most likely to not return all those pencils you “borrowed,” Henry Most likely to vomit jello shots all over a crush at a sad high school party Most likely to be that one kid Most likely to be that one kid’s friend Most likely to be old-person hot in 50 years Most likely to smile serenely, stare off into the distance, and ask “Where have all the flowers gone?” at fiveminute intervals Most likely to not get a superlative, other than this one —H. Robinson

Less Popular Bar Mitzvah Themes Joey gets drunk for the first time on Manischewitz!

Sodom and Gomorrah The Titanic Music of 13th century “The Expendables 3” Joey drunkenly grinds in the ball pit!

Joey kisses with tongue!

Palestine The Siege of Vicksburg The spleen Joey’s extended family argues about the IsraeliPalestinian conflict!

Joey’s Great-Uncle Bernard, making a point about settlements, smashes the ice sculpture of Sylvester Stallone!

Joey’s sloppy hookup gets interrupted by flying shards of ice!

Mom assures Joey that it’s okay, Great-Uncle Bernard ruins everyone’s Bar Mitzvah!

Catholicism

—E. Sneider

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Timeline of a One-Day MiddleSchool Relationship

What isn’t quite right about your math teacher?

8 a.m.

First encounter: Eric and Cindy are partnered up in social studies for a group project on the Aztecs.

He begins every class with “Choo choo, the math train is departing!”

No one has ever seen him enter or exit the classroom The first step in solving every problem is “consecrating the nines” He refers to himself as “we” Every homework he hands back is dripping with sweat Instead of x, he uses pictures of your family He demands you call him “Math Boy” A little too much licking He rings a bell every time someone looks at him He always refers to spiders as “Nature’s menorahs” When you bring up the licking, he licks far too little

8:13 a.m.

Cindy notices how cute Eric sounds when he describes the symptoms of smallpox.

8:45 a.m.

Eric is drawn to the righteous fire that blazes in Cindy’s eyes when she talks about the ruthless Conquistadores.

8:47 a.m.

Eric and Cindy become “official.”

9:07 a.m.

As they leave class, Eric and Cindy exchange phone numbers, emails, Facebooks, Twitters, Instagrams, Snapchats, AIMs, Minecraft building guides, Scholastic Book Fair catalogues, Silly Bandz collections, Tamagotchis, and SSAT scores.

12 p.m.

After an unbearable three hours apart, Eric and Cindy sit out by the playing fields for recess, swooning as they softly whisper facts about the Aztec empire into each other’s ears. “Provinces were governed by hereditary tlatoani,” Cindy croons.

1:18 p.m.

North Korean cruise missiles with nuclear tips strike multiple population centers in the United States.

All across the country fire rains from the sky, and a penetrating radiation fills the air. Within minutes, tens of thousands lay dead, among them Eric and Cindy. As a perpetual winter descends upon the Earth, the survivors will slowly to understand that the preteen couple and their fellow victims were in fact the lucky ones. They will not have to live to see what becomes of their world.

—H. Robinson

—M. Abuzalaf and B. Beitler

What Signal Does the Color of Your Braces Send?

Green: You fucking love the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Brown: The nice people at the orthodontist’s office said they couldn’t do leather.

Red, white, and blue: You’re proud to live in the greatest nation on Earth, which is Serbia.

Clear: You consider yourself a minimalist, mostly because you don’t have the slightest clue what minimalism is.

Red: You originally had white braces, but your habit of gnawing on shards of scrap metal has come with consequences.

Purple: You were injured in combat during the Vietnam War, but the government was out of medals that year.

Blue: You were born in Canton, Ohio in 2002 to two accountants. You had a troubled childhood. Your first memory, in fact, is of the black funeral drapes that hung in your dining room the day of your brother’s wake.

Friendship doesn’t come easily to you. You tell yourself it doesn’t come easily to anyone, but you know this is a lie.

Your father loves you, deep down, but he can be pretty cruel sometimes. In the third grade, you caught your mom smoking in the parking lot of the Rite Aid, but you never told her because you wanted to feel superior. You will attend Kenyon College and, somehow, out of inertia more than anything else, will end up a CPA back in Canton.

Your name is probably Emily.

Tooth-colored: You incorrectly believe that you have braces.

—M. Osler

All My Friends’ Bar Mitzvahs, Ranked 1) Timmy Applebaum: His dad is hot shit at Mattel’s human resources department, so everyone went home with a free Transformer. And toward the end, his granddad got real drunk and started telling funny limericks. Timmy kept calling me “Corporal Fuckbooger” and threw a bunch of hors-d’oeuvres at me, but it’s okay, because he’s so cool. I hope I get to go to his birthday next year.

2) Jason Berg (upcoming): So, Jason hasn’t had his bar mitzvah yet, but he keeps talking about how awesome it’s gonna be. Jason’s not the greatest — he’s a real crybaby, and he doesn’t think Family Guy is funny— but I slept over at his house one time when his parents were having a party, and those two aren’t fucking around: There were fancy French pastries and shit, and this one guy barfed into a grandfather clock. Basically, it’ll be great, as long as I don’t have to talk to Jason.

3) Peter Schafer: The food sucked, but when Peter read from the Torah, it was so fucking moving.

Like, wow. I’m converted.

4) Ken Campbell: Technically, this was just Ken’s 13th birthday party. But there was paintball and we made his sister cry, so it was pretty great.

5) Larry Eidelson: I feel like I’m gonna get some hate for putting Larry’s bar mitzvah so far down on the list. I know it was everyone’s favorite bar mitzvah of the season. And look, I get it. But it’s time to face facts: Larry’s bar mitzvah just wasn’t that good. Passable, at best. Here are the main reasons why: a) The music selection was subpar. Larry’s family was too cheap to hire a real DJ, so they just made his older sister Suzanne do it. And yes, yes, I know: “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas has “mazel tov” in its lyrics, like, four times. But Korn is so much better, and Suzanne refused to honor my frequent requests for Korn, or at least Matchbox Twenty. b) His aunt Sarah was a creep. Aunt Sarah kept telling me what a “cute young man” I was. And I’d never even met her before. c) It was really lame of Larry to go into anaphylactic shock in the middle of it. Were his parents to blame for putting peanut butter chips in the cookies? Yes. But the question here isn’t one of blame. It’s whether Larry’s windpipe closing up put a real damper on his bar mitzvah, and I challenge anyone to deny that it really killed the atmosphere. d) He said Five Guys was going to cater, but his mom didn’t want Five Guys so it was some fucking deli instead. Dick move, Ms. Eidelson. Dick move.

6) Cindy Brandenberg: She kept calling it a bar mitzvah. She’s a girl. It was a bat mitzvah. God, sometimes it’s like Cindy doesn’t even go to shul.

7) Karl Erickson: Karl’s bar mitzvah was actually all right.

But out of nowhere his baby cousin managed to unwrap and open the gift from his weird Tennessee family friends. It was a fully loaded BB gun with the safety turned off, and the gun fell on the ground and shot me at point-blank range in the chest. Afterwards, I needed emergency surgery and months of occupational therapy. Also, the music sucked.

Writing: M. Osler| Design: S. Rae-Grant

No Fear Middle School

Grade 5, Scene 2 Original Text

Translated Text

heyyyyyyyyyyyy

There’s something important I have to tell you. Right now. heyy how r u?

I’ve been meaning to talk to you, too. I can’t stop thinking about our conversation earlier.

I know. It’s so hard to think about anything else.

Talking with you, everything else fades into the background.

[octopus emoji] u? [dancing twins emoji]

ur funny hehe

I almost feel like I can’t go on otherwise, everything you say makes me feel so awake. It’s so true that this is something we need to address immediately. The situation in the Middle East really is dire.

That’s why I’m in favor of the Iran Deal. It allows the rest of the world to keep the Iranian nuclear program in check while also better integrating the country into the international community. However, the military option will still remain on the table.

hehe ikr wut r u doin rn? abt 2 go do hwk, watch pretty little liars (new ep tonite so excited!!!), eat dinner which is gunna suk bc mom is drivin me crazyyyyyyyyy. omg yikes! im doin hwk 2

lol omg ya

Absolutely. It’s so nice to have informed political discussions with a well-informed peer.

I agree.

I think the most important thing for kids our age is to make an effort to learn about and develop opinions on the complex geopolitical issues of our time, and definitely not to bother trying to polish off our dads’ collections of Bud Light. You know?.

Definitely. Speaking of, I have to go. My mom is driving me to Little League.

gtg

That’s so cool that you spend time with your mom.

It is. She’s the best. I tell her everything. Have a splendid evening.

k ttyl? k

Bye! [sunglasses smile emoji]

Writing : E. Sneider | Design: D. Hoogstraten

You too! I’ll see you in pre-algebra tomorrow.

Bye!

“

Writing : C. Hall | Design: S. Rae-Grant

�

Writing & Design: A. Mansfield

NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT

MONDAY, JAN. 11, 2016 MONDAY, JAN. 11, 2016

VOL.. CX XXIV, NO. 1 VOL.. CX XXIV, NO. 1

yalerecord.org yalerecord.org

Study: Student Council Elections Just Popularity Conte

BY GRAHAM AMBROSE Study: Student Council Elections Just Popularity Contests STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T ·

MONDAY, JAN. 25, 2016 2014 · V OL. CX LIV , NO. 4

· yalerecord.org yalerecord.c

Study: Student Council Elections Just Popularity Contests

BY GRAHAM AMBROSE PHILADELPHIA – Middle school STAFF REPORTER student council elections are no

stunned to discover that in contests who’s the most well-liked in a grade. measuring who is supported by So just because I’m mean and smell the most people, the person who likeIllinois. hot dogs no one’s to vote more than popularity contests, to discover that in contests the most well-liked in agoing grade.

PHILADELPHIA – Middle school stunned Forest, “Popularity is all iel Schwarz, a researcher at Penn who’s

By GRAHAM AMBROSE was supported by the most people for me?

Like, really, how is that according to new research from about theI’m most well-liked in a fair?” measuring whoon is supported by were So just who’s because mean and smell who worked the study. “We Reporter student councilStaff elections are no generally won. ” Stanford sociologist Sydney political scientists at the University grade.

So just because I’m mean and stunned to discover that in contests the most people, the person who like hot dogs no one’s going to vote more than popularity contests, The study’s predict that Freeburg affirmed study’s of Pennsylvania. smell like hotreally, dogs no one’s going to measuring who isauthors supported by the for me?

Like, how isthe that fair?” was supported by the most people according to PHILADELPHIA new research from– Middle vote for me?

Like, really, how that role the findings will trouble those conclusions, noting the most people, the person who was school student council elections are In a study published this week, Stanford sociologist Sydney iscentral political scientists at the University generally won.” fair?”popularity supported the most people no more than popularity contests, in middle school who see by democracy as more thanFreeburg researchers analyzed exit poll data The study’s authors predict thatgenaffirmed plays the study’s of Pennsylvania.

Stanford sociologist Sydney according to newofresearch from pojustwon.” a majority-based system of conclusions, elections.

“People usually vote for thousands middle school noting the central role theerally findings will trouble those Infrom a study published this week, Freeburg affirmed the study’s conThe study’s authors predict litical scientists at the University of the candidate they would most like government that responds class elections. every plays in middle school democracy as more than to thepopularity researchers analyzedIn exit pollcase, data the who see that the findings will trouble those clusions, noting the central role Pennsylvania. to vote for,” usually she said.

“And and interests of the candidate who was more popular at just aneeds majority-based system of electorate. elections.

“People vote for as it turns from thousands of middle school In a study published this week, who see democracy as more than popularity plays in middle school “It’s all really unfair, ” said out, the candidate who receives the government that responds to the seventh the candidate they would most like the ballot box ultimately won. class elections.

In every case, the researchers analyzed exit poll data just a majority-based system of gov- elections. “People usually vote for needs and interests of the electorate. to vote for,” she said.

“And as it turns grader Suzi Carmichael of Deer candidate who was more popular at “It’s remarkable, ” says Daniel most votes tends to win the election. ” from thousands of middle school ernment that responds to the needs the candidate they would most like out, thefor,” candidate who receives the all really unfair,” said the Schwarz, ballot won.

Path Middle inseventh Lake Forest, aultimately researcher at Penn who Contact GRAHAM AMBRO to vote she said.

“And as it turns and interests of School the electorate. class box elections.

In every case, the “It’s grader Suzi“It’s Carmichael Deer “It’s remarkable, saysmore Daniel tends to win election.”

Illinois.

“Popularity is all about join@yalerecord.com worked on who the”study.

“Wepopular were at out, votes the candidate whothe receives the all reallyofunfair,” said most candidate was Contact GRAHAM AMBROSE at Path Middle School in LakeCarmichael Forest, Schwarz, a researcher at Pennwon. who Contact GRAHAM AMBROSE at most votes tends to win the elecseventh-grader Suzi the ballot box ultimately join@yalerecord.com Illinois.

“Popularity is all aboutin Lake tion.” join@yalerecord.com worked on the “We weresays Danof Deer Path Middle School “It’sstudy. remarkable,”

Local Teacher Calls On Only Black Student Local Teacher Calls Only BlackStudent StudentIn Local Teacher OnOnOnly Black In Class toCalls Explain Civil Rights Movement InCORCORAN Class to Explain Civil RightsMovement Movement Class to Explain Civil Rights

BY AMANDA

STAFF REPORTER

BY AMANDA CORCORAN ROCHESTER—Local “I’m so happy about the diversity threefrom yearsToronto, ago, hadOntario, any personal When asked ifinher calling o STAFF REPORTEReighth- of racist.” the only black student class Rochester

By Amanda CorCoran grader Brian Woods, best known for and vibrancy that Brian brings connections to American civil might rights beonly black student in class mi interpreted as discrimithreeyears yearsago, ago,had had any personal Hisso teacher, Harriet Lane,tothree ROCHESTER—Local eighth“I’m happy about the diversity any personal When asked if her calling on the Staff being oneWoods, of theReporter few students our class, ” she toldbrings the Record.

“He’s leaders. interpreted discriminatory, Mrs. Lane was dismayed. connections American civil natory, thinks otherwise. grader Brian bestblack known for and vibrancy that Brian to connections to to American civil rights only black student inasclass might be at Benjamin Middle such resource for theleaders.

“I don’t know how many “Certainly Lane dismayed.

“Certainl not.

I didn’t even notice rights leaders.

“I’man soamazing happy about the “He’s diverROCHESTER, NY — School, Localour class,” being one of theHarrison few black students she told the Record. interpreted aswas discriminatory, Mrs. expressed his irritation today at other students and for me.

We’re all more times I can clarify that my didn’t even notice he he was black.”

“I don’t know how many more sity and vibrancy that Brian brings eighth-grader Brian Woods, best at Benjamin Harrison Middle School, such an amazing resource for the “I don’t know how many Lane was dismayed. “Certainlywas not.blac I being called upon to answer every At press time, Mrs. Lane was interested inme. learning about his grandparents didn’t timestimes I canI clarify that myescape grandpress Mrs. Lane w to very our class,” shefor told the Record. known being one ofatthe fewother expressed hisfor irritation today students and We’re all more can clarify that my from didn’t even At notice hetime, was black.” hertime, lesson onwas the on t parents didn’t escape fromfrom slavery preparing “He’s suchpersonal an amazing resource black students at Benjamin question abouttothe civil every rightsHar-very family’s transition through slavery on theescape Underground preparing herplan lesson plan being called upon answer interested in learning about his grandparents didn’t At press Mrs. Lane Chinese Exclusion Act, which she on theRailroad, Underground Railroad,” said forthis thepersonal other students for me. slavery risonabout Middle School, expressed movement in hiscivil fourth period Social important timeand inthrough American ”saidJones.

“Also, I’mtwelve Chinese Exclusion which question the rights family’s transition on the Underground preparing her lesson plan onAct, the said would finally give Meredith Jones.years “Also, I’mso12I“Also, years old, so I MLK We’re all very interested in learn- Railroad, his irritation todayperiod at being calledthis Studies history. ” time old, did not attend would finally give Meredith movement inclass. his fourth Social important in American ”said Jones.

I’m twelve Chinese Exclusion Act, which said Pa Koreandid not Jr.’s ‘I Have ing about family’s personal upon togetting answer every question “It’s super annoying, ”said Jones,his 12, expressed his Jr.’sattend ‘I have a dream speech. kinda fourth-generation fourthgive generation Korean-Ame Studies class. history.” years old, so I didMLK not attend MLK ’aI’mPark, would finally Meredith Park, a a chance to share her fam Dream’ speech. kind of about the civil rights movement Woods.

“And also kind of racist. confusion at whythis Mrs. Lane would of confused as to how aconlicensed a chance to share her own “It’s getting super annoying, ”said ”in transition Jones, 12, through expressed his important Jr.’s ‘I have a dreamI’m speech.’

I’m kind American, fourth generation Korean-American, family’s experiences. fused as to as how a licensed teacher time in American history.” his His fourth-period Social Studies teacher, Harriet Lane, think that his family, teacher would think that couldown experiences.

Woods.

“And also kind of racist. ” thinks confusion at why Mrs. Lanewhich wouldmoved of confused to how a licensed abechance to share her own family’s wouldpossible. think think that could be posJones, expressed his confuclass. otherwise.

Rochester from Toronto, Ontario ” His teacher, Harriet Lane, thinks thinkto that his12, family, which moved teacher would that could be experiences. sible.” sion at whyfrom Mrs.Toronto, Lane would think possible.”

“It’s getting super annoy-to Rochester Contact AMANDA CORCOR Contact Amanda Corcoran at otherwise.

Ontario ing,” said Woods. “And also kind

that his family, which moved to

When asked if her calling on

Contact AMANDA CORCORAN at join@yalerecord.com join@yalerecord.com join@yalerecord.com

Middle Schooler Takes G Middle Schooler Takes Gap Year

AlthoughRichie’sdecisionisstilluncommon, more and more high school graduates are opting to take gap years, using them to recover

BY JAKE HOUSTON STAFF REPORTER

SHORT HILLS, NJ – As theschool end of thetoschool

By Jake Houston high record suffer beStaff Reporter cause of how hard he’s been workyear rolls around, mosting.” eighth graders are Although Richie’s decision is SHORT HILLS, NJ –transition As preparing for the to high school the end of the school year rolls still uncommon, more and more graduatesRichie are opting around, most eighth graders are high that awaits them in the fall.school However, preparing for the transition to to take gap years, using them to from gruelingPines academic Thompson, 14-year-old at local Forrest high school that aawaits them in recover the fall. However, Richie Thomp- schedules. Like many of these Middle School, willForrest be doing something little students, Richie willabe gaining son, a 14-year-old at local Pines Middle School, will be do- some valuable life experiences as different: He plans to take a gap year after ing something a little different: well.

“He’ll be working at the loHe plans to take a gap year after finishing middle school. cal soup kitchen a few days each finishing middle school. week, I’ll bring him to work “We thought it would be the be “We thought it would theand smartest choice with me at the office every Monsmartest choice at this point in his andRichie’s Tuesday,” Mrs. Thompson at this pointmother in his life,” day said mother life,” said Richie’s Barbara.

“He’s just seemed so burnt out told the Record. He will also be Barbara.

“He’s seemed so burnt out from spending some “much-needed” from his middle schooljust workload, time by himself, practicing the and he even got a B- on his latest his middle school workload, and he even got a biology test. We didn’t want his cello and beginning to study for B- on his latest biology test. We didn’t want his high school record to suffer because of how hard he’s been working.”

“I’m now convinced more stuthe SATs. “At first I was skeptical of dents ought to be following his Richie’s decision,” said his prin- lead. Kindergarten’s coming up cipal, Marcus Adams. “But then it for my own daughter, and I’m started to make sense to me. More starting to worry I may have been and more of our kids are beginning working her too hard memorizing to seem overworked and tired, and shapes.”

I think it would serve him well to take somegrueling time for himself.”

Contact Jake Like Houston at from academic schedules. many “In fact,” continued Adams, join@yalerecord.com

of these students, Richie will be gaining some valuable life experiences as well.

“He’ll be working at the local soup kitchen a

few d with Mrs. spen prac the S “ said start our k tired som “ conv his le daug been

School Shutdown Averted After Midnight Agreement on Spirit Week

The principal, who was also mally with the undecided sixthgrade representative to offer a cov- present, threatened to “shut down eted spot on the Select Committee the whole damn school” if a deal WORCESTER, MA – Minutes on Who Gets to Sit at Amanda’s couldn’t be reached, citing the before bedtime Thursday, the stuLunch Table in exchange for whip- facts that he “can’t stand this job dent government at Little Pike ping the sixth-grade vote. Other anyway” and “hates children.” The Middle School finally reached a reports suggest the vice secretary teacher sponsor just held his head consensus on Spirit Week themes was blackmailed by the vice-vice- in the corner, murmuring repeatafter days of rancorous debate. At secretary, with implications of in- edly to himself, “Fuck, I should’ve issue was whether eighth graders sider trading in extra ice cream to- gone to med school.”

ALISSA or seventh BY graders would get WANG to The crisis was finally resolved kens from “shady” cafeteria staffer wear blue instead of gray on Color STAFF REPORTER when Tommy, the seventh-grade Big Pete.

Day, because gray isn’t actually a Tensions bubbled over later in treasurer, stood up and began to real color anyways and Color Day is Worcester, MA – Minutes before Behind the scenes dirtyon prefilibuster broiled with his report My the final hours of the Wednesday a big deal.

Summer Vacation.

Distressed, the meeting as members argued inbedtime the teen politics. Unconfirmed reports Advocates Thursday, for each side sat on student tensely, criticizing their opponents eighth graders conceded, mutopposite ends of the government atdeliberation Little PikeasMiddle state that student body tering that bothpresident colors are ugly “frickin’ dumb” and “so stupid, classroom, rolling their eyes and anyway and they can’t waitthe until oh my God.” All were visibly frusSchool finally to reached Amanda P. met informally with sighing dramatically look cool.a consensus trated, save the sixth-grade rep- they’re in high school.

Behind the scenes dirty after days on Spirit Weekbroiled themes undecided resentative, who was just happy 6th grade representative pre-teen politics. Unconfirmed Contact ALISSA WANG at to feel was relevant to the cooler of rancorous At issue toolder, offer a coveted spot on the Select reports state that debate. student body join@yalerecord.com kids. president Amanda P. met inforwhether 8th graders or 7th graders Committee on Who Gets to Sit at

By ALISSA WANG Staff Reporter

School Shutdown Averted After Agreement on Spirit We

would get to wear blue instead of gray on Color Day, because gray isn’t

Amanda’s Lunch Table in exchange for whipping the 6th grade vote.

Tensions bubbled over la the final hours of the Wedne meeting as members argued intensely, criticizing their op as “frickin’ dumb” and “so stu My God.” All were visibly fru save the 6th grade represent who was just happy to feel re to the older, cooler kids.

Writing: E. Campbell-Taylor, B. Garfinkel | Design: A. Mansfield

20

T he Y ale R ecord

1. Make timid eye contact with your man from across the cafeteria. Look away immediately. Get your period for the first time later that day and wonder if this means he’s the one. Use a tampon incorrectly and have to go home due to “feminine troubles.”

2. Show off your confusing, neither pre- nor postpubescent body by wearing an Aeropostale jean skirt with black leggings. Top it off with a two-for-one top2 and a spritz of misplaced confidence, and you’ll be sure to get your man’s attention.

3. Stuff your bra with the gummy candy of your choice and eat them in social studies class while constantly winking at your man.3 4. Every day, wait until your man arrives at his locker before homeroom and dump the entire contents of your backpack at his feet. Try to time this so that you both reach for papers at the same time. When your hands “accidentally” touch, look into his eyes and scream the words “CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY IS OUR GENERATION’S MARLON BRANDO,” and run away. 4 5. Ask your man to dance at a middle school dance, but get rejected and then awkwardly have to see him the very next day while you’re getting ice cream with your mom, and then get asked to accompany him to the next middle school dance when Susan Rollins and Katie Stewart turn him down and he has no one else to go with, and then finally buy a moss green baby-doll tee from Hollister, which you wear with new matching earrings from Claire’s while you slow dance to Snow Patrol, then decide that you two are officially dating and get so nervous that you totally ignore him for the rest of your life which means that you never actually break up so that for every new relationship you enter you fear being exposed as the two-timing harlot you really are. Die of old age surrounded by your loving family with this shame above your head, as well as a signed photograph of Chad Michael Murray.

—R. Lackner 1

(or boy, if he has yet to be bar mitzvahed) It looks like it’s two shirts layered on top of each other, but it’s really just one! Way to keep him guessing!

3 If you have braces, it’s probably a good idea to get your orthodontist’s approval before doing this.

4 You should probably run this idea by your orthodontist also. Dr. Arowitz is an all-time great flirt.

2

A. Lessing

How to Drive Your Man1 Crazy

Other Things to Leave Room for When Dancing My stuffed bra My headgear My body-image issues A guy who’s hotter than you My ex-military, violently conservative father Your horribly swollen genitals The Ned’s Declassified camera crew Jesus, the creepy groundskeeper Shame —Staff Things That Haven’t Changed Since Middle School My body My importance in the world The Soviet Union’s continued existence on public school maps My smoking hot fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Applebee…

Wow Paul Rudd The central importance of Beyblades in my social life White America’s failure to engage with the legacy of slavery My smoking hot mom… Wow —Staff

T he M iddle S chool I ssue

How to Get This Middle School Dance Started

Y

ou find yourself in the gym. Streamers hang from wall to wall. The disco ball turns. Speakers thump.

Your date, Josh, is now on the other side of the room talking with his buddies. Josh is in the eighth grade. So are his buddies. You grab punch with your friends. Sarah is wearing a sparkly pink dress, Jess is wearing a tight red one that shows off her B-cups, and Claire’s is baby blue with ruffles. You’re wearing navy. It’s the dress your mom picked out. You regret your choices. You regret being born into your family. You sip your punch.

The dance floor is empty and everyone has huddled into groups on the outskirts of the room. Josh is still on the other side of the room. At this rate, he’s not going to kiss you on the mouth at the end of the night. You need to be kissed on the mouth. Something needs to happen. You need to get this middle school dance started.

You ask your friends to come out to the dance floor with you. They point out that no one is, in fact, dancing yet. You point out that if they follow you, there will, in fact, be people dancing. The clean version of “Get Low”

by Lil Jon comes on. They can’t resist the clean version of “Get Low” by Lil Jon. No one can resist the clean version of “Get Low” by Lil Jon. You all nervously shuffle as a pack into the middle of the dance floor. To the window. To the wall. To the sweat drop down my ______.

All of your friend’s arms are crossed. Aww ____, ____ mother_____ ! You perform a barrage of dance moves to encourage them. Cabbage patch. The Macarena. The death of your goldfish. The shopping cart. They are unphased. Aww ____, ____ god____! Your friends giggle and shuffle back to the side of the room.

You are now left in the purgatory that is the middle of the dance floor. You cannot stop dancing. You mustn’t show weakness in front of Josh and his buddies. If you back out, they win. They will not win. This middle school dance will get started, and then you and Josh will touch your mouths together. 3-6-9 ____ you fine. You accidentally lock eyes with Ms. Wilson, who is chaperoning. She glides to the dance floor to join you. Her arms sway and she makes weird jerky motions with her hips. She is also wearing navy.

Bend over to the front, touch your toes, back dat ____ up and down and get low. You only have to endure a couple moments dancing with Ms. Wilson. Bending and backing was too much for her. She grabs her back in pain.

She makes her way from the dance floor, pulling a flask

21

from her sleeve. Now you’re alone again. You begin recycling dance moves. You only have so many. “Cha Cha Slide” plays. You’re saved—”Cha Cha Slide” is a groupdancing song, right?

It seems that none of your peers think that the “Cha Cha Slide” is a group dancing song. You cry real quiet and cha cha real smooth. You glance over to Josh and his buddies. Josh looks at you. Wary of Josh’s attention, you add one too many hops this time. This throws you off. You are hopping, clapping, left-foot-let’s stomping, right-foot-let’s stomping, and criss-crossing out of control.

You’re spiraling. Reverse! Reverse! You feel dizzy and the disco lights start to blur. This dance will never start.

Your peers are just too stubborn. You fake an injury and collapse to the floor, holding your ankle.

You friends rush to the dance floor. They ask you if you’re okay. They’re so helpful. You feel a tap on your shoulder. It’s Josh. He says that you looked like you were having a lot of fun out there. You weren’t. You say you were. He helps you up. Forever Young plays. Perfect.

You put your hands on his shoulders. He puts his hands on your hips. You are very close. Too close. There is no room for Jesus. It doesn’t matter. Ms. Wilson is deep into her flask at this point. You look back at Josh. His face is sweaty. You look around you and your peers have paired off and joined you and Josh in the slow dance. The middle school dance has started. It was because of you. You smile and look back at Josh.

Josh kisses you on the mouth. It is slimy and metallic.

You are boyfriend and girlfriend now.

—L. Unsworth

22

T he Y ale R ecord

Acton Middle School Tabloid: A Love Affair Gone Sour, a Suspicious Rendezvous, and More!

Spotted: Does Rachel Have a New Man? Rachel and Louis were seen lingering by the pretzel bowl at the Student Council’s “Freaky Friday” dance last night. Glaring at them from afar was Alex, Rachel’s ex-lover, standing in a clump of seventh-grade boys with their hands in their pockets by the DJ. After two weeks of passion, tumult, and occasional hand-holding, Rachel dumped Alex because he was a “slow texter” and “weird.”

Alex sang Whitney Houston’s “And I Will Always Love You” to Rachel during second period lunch the following Tuesday, but this romantic gesture went in vain. Indeed, the whole cafeteria watched Rachel as she raced out of the room, cheeks red, straight to the girls’ bathroom with her BFF Alice. “He’s, like, so weird!” Clara Thompson ’15 overheard Rachel crying from the middle stall to Alice. “Like, how did I ever date him?” Talk about embarrassing, Rachel! What will happen in this saga of sad Alex, mortified Rachel, and sensuous Louis? Rumor has it they all share home period together on Monday. We’ll see what R&B ballad Alex whips out next, if he has the courage to continue in his fight for true love.

Olive Garden Rendezvous: Unlimited Breadsticks, or Unlimited Secrets?

Guess which hot young singles have been spending every lunch period together in the teacher’s lounge? You got it! Mr. Sander and Mrs. Persty. The social studies teacher and the algebra whiz have been cozying up on the worn, red couch, and we’ve seen it ourselves through the glass window on the door. When Stacey, the queen bee of the sixth grade, asked Mrs. Persty if she loved Mr. Sandy, the sixth-grade social studies teacher simply blushed and muttered, “That is completely inappropriate.” And yet Stuey Schwartz, one of Mr. Sander’s algebra II students, saw them romantically seated together at Olive Garden last Saturday night. Although Mrs. Schwartz tried asking Mrs. Persty about Stuey’s C in algebra, the two teachers said they were in a rush and immediately asked for the bill. “It definitely seemed like something was fishy,” Mrs. Schwartz said. “You put a math teacher, a social studies teacher, and unlimited breadsticks together, and there’s got to be something up.” We think that if Mr. Sander likes it, he should put a ring on it.

Gail to the Chief: Fortin Wins!

Just in! Gail Fortin ’15 has been elected the new Student Council president of Acton Middle School.

One couldn’t help but see her smiling face as she gloated through the hallways this afternoon. It was a hard-won victory, as Fortin has been campaigning with “4tin 4 Prez” locker magnets for weeks. But is the student body as stoked as she is? Alice Blumenthal ’15, a good friend of Fortin’s, certainly is. She told a reporter, “Gail is perfect for the role. She planned a kick-ass pep rally and bake sale last year and will be sure to plan more awesome events this year!” And yet, not everyone is so pumped. Said runnerup candidate Lucy McDonough ’15, “It’s just a popularity contest. Everyone knows that I have more experience.”

Candidate Robert Fordham ’15 had another concern.

He argued, “Gail is clearly just using this position as a stepping stone for freshman class president.” So how will Fortin’s presidency pan out? We can only hope it will be an improvement, since last year’s homecoming was a total disaster. May Bobby rest in peace.

—J. Gardenswartz

Point: Rolly Backpacks are Super Fly I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Who’s that fly sixth grader swaggering down the hallway with his head held high and his spine perfectly straight? Who parts the cafeteria crowd like a Red Sea of bitches with his flawless posture and swanked-out rolling backpack? It’s me, Jared, the only student at Coleybrook Middle School with a rolly backpack and a guarantee that I won’t develop scoliosis or a neck crick. Sure, I mostly chose this method of carrying my notebooks and geometry textbook around because studies show it’s less damaging to students’ backs than regular backpacks — but there’s no denying it’s a real style statement too. A rolling backpack gives even the most glaringly prepubescent 12-year-old the sophisticated aura of a New York City businessman with a rolly backback. I guess it just takes a little longer for fashion trends to hit the middle school hallways. But seriously, my mom says I look taller already.

COUNTERPOINT: *The sound of Jared being shoved into a locker* —R. Treisman

T he M iddle S chool I ssue

Point: Josh is So Cute!

by Cindy O’Donnell, seventh grader Okay. I don’t, like, know how to tell you guys this, but I think I like Josh.

Not just like him, Jen! Like, like-like him!

Ew! Kristi, don’t say that!

He’s so cute. Have you seen the way he flips his hair in Ms. Kibler’s geometry class? Oh, his hair is so cute, I could just die!

And he dresses so well, and his eyes are so blue…

Someone told me that he took off his shirt last week in gym class, and that he has abs! And this one time, in homeroom, Shirley F. was kidding around with him, and she asked him to flex, and his biceps are huge, she said.

I’ve only talked with him one time, but it was so nice. It was on the way to gym, and he was walking with me and Kyla — no, not that Kyla, the fat one — and then Fat Kyla left because she had to go to cognitive behavioral therapy, and it was just Josh and me! And we started talking about music, and he said that the Plain White T’s are his favorite band, and I said they’re mine too! My favorite band is actually Train, but Plain White T’s are a close second.

Do you think it’d be a problem for us, if we started dating, that we’re just so similar?

He’s really cute. And he’s smart. And he’s so funny!

Do you think he likes me?

23

Counterpoint: Cute or Not, We All Die In the End

by Josh Krakauer, notably cute eighth grader Hello, Cindy. Yes, it’s me, Josh. No, you don’t have to flail your limbs like that.

So, Jessica L. told me what you said about me at the slumber party.

Oh, no, don’t run away; don’t blush like that. I’m not here to embarrass you. You’ve done nothing wrong. No, you’re merely naïve, caught up in the follies of youth, thinking every cute boy is salvation and every fairy tale is real.

I know I’m cute. My eyes flash like the cerulean ocean at midday, my hair curls like tongues of holy flame descending from the Heavens, and my abs are pretty fucking sick. I know all of this.

But it doesn’t help, dear Cindy. It doesn’t change the fact, Cindy, that we are all mortals.

Look around you. Everything you see — the chalkboard, Mrs. Schnauzer, Fat Kyla’s bologna sandwiches — will be gone some day, and some day soon. William Howard Taft Middle School, too, and the fair town of Cleveland that surrounds it will someday be mere ruins, crumbling brick archways and the yellowing remains of “Just Say No” posters. All is vanity, all is meaningless.

My cuteness is momentary. Already I am 14 years along life’s way… Do not be fooled by the perfectly tanned skin I got from waterskiing in Cancun with my stepdad over summer break; I am as mortal as Weird Bill, who still picks his goddamn nose.

You are nice enough, yes, and quite pretty, but to date you would be to deny what is inevitable. After all, in the tragic words of the Plain White T’s, “Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal.”

C. Rudeen

—M. Osler

24

“‘HAPPY AS A CLAM’ IS A LIE,” REPORTS CLAM ALONE IN DARK DEPTHS OF OCEAN, WEEPING WITH TEARS THAT MELT UNNOTICED INTO SALTY ABYSS; CLAM CONTEMPLATES FUTURE SITTING ON SAME ROCK FOR ETERNITY Dear baby, Baby, it’s cold outside.

—A man admonishing a baby for wearing only a T-shirt in this weather

T he Y ale R ecord

Dear God, Is there an afterlife?

Dear Dave, Yes. It’s called “being dead forever.”

—Dave

—God

DRAWN BY “HAPPY AS A CLAM” HOPES, HORDES OF UNSATISFIED CLAMS EMERGE FROM OCEAN IN SEARCH OF BETTER LIFE

BORDER CONTROL OVERRUN BY CLAMS HURTLING INTO AMERICA; EVEN WALLS WON’T STOP THEM Dear America, I love you. I love how free you are.

I love your work on Ugly Betty.

—A man in love with America Ferrera

CLAMS CRUSH CIVILIZATION WITH SHEER WEIGHT OF THEIR TINY BODIES, PILING UP IN WAVE AFTER UNENDING WAVE

YORKSIDE RESTAURANT EST. 1969

A FAMILY AND YALE TRADITION FOR OVER 40 YEARS

COME AND EXPERIENCE ONE OF YALE AND NEW HAVEN'S FAVORITE RESTAURANTS! RATED ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC COLLEGE TOWN FOOD JOINTS IN AMERICA BY SPOON UNIVERSITY

Open seven days a week

Enjoy two large screen TVs in our backroom!

Lunch Dinner Late Night

Welcome back to all Yale students and a special welcome to the Class of 2019!

- The Koutroumanis Family and Yorkside Staff

Pizza · Pasta · Casseroles · Subs · Gyros · Souvlaki Sandwiches · Seafood · Chicken · Steak · Salads Daily Specials · Hot or Cold Platters · Burgers · Wings Beer · Wine · Desserts · Ice Cream · Milkshakes

288 YORK STREET

LOCATED NEXT DOOR TO TOAD'S PLACE, BEHIND STERLING MEMORIAL LIBRARY

Call ahead for orders to go: 203-787-7471 203-787-7472 Find us online at yorksidepizza.com and like us on www.facebook.com/yorkside

26

T he Y ale R ecord

SLOWLY BUT SURELY, CLAMS BUILD THEIR OWN BARNACLEENCRUSTED PALACES OVER THE RUINS OF HUMANITY; AFTER SERIES OF BRUTAL CONFLICTS, CLAMS DEVELOP DEMOCRATIC GOVERNANCE; THE ORIGINAL, DISCONTENTED CLAM PROUDLY SURVEYS THE LAND HE HELPED CREATE, HIS PASTY CLAM FLESH SWELLING WITH PRIDE; “ANY CLAM CAN CREATE AN EMPIRE, IF HE HAS THE COURAGE TO BEGIN,” HE CRIES OUT TO THE HORDES OF ADORING CLAMS PILING UP BELOW HIS BALCONY; THEY CLAP THEIR TINY SHELLS TOGETHER IN THUNDEROUS APPROVAL; “OUR HERO!” THEY SCREAM

CLAMS FINALLY HAPPY

hours

Monday - Thursday 7am - 6pm Friday 7am - 3pm Saturday 7:30am - 1:30pm

contact 338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203 - 777 - 6736 F: 203 - 777 - 6740

we cater

Catering: 203 - 777 - 6735

T he M iddle S chool I ssue

27

Writing & Design: L. Unsworth

ARRIVE IN A BETTER FRAME OF MIND. With downtown-to-downtown service on the Northeast Regional SM, you can avoid the stress and hassles of traffic and get to the heart of Cubism, Expressionism, or any other “ism” that Boston, Philadelphia and Washington, DC have to offer.

AMTRAK.COM

BOOK 14 DAYS IN ADVANCE AND

SAVE 25% OR MORE ON ONE-WAY FARES FROM NEW HAVEN PROVIDENCE

$

29

BOSTON

$

41

STAMFORD

$

22

NEW YORK

$

30

PHILADELPHIA

$

47

WASHINGTON, DC

$

65

This offer is valid for travel on the Northeast Regional train service only. Advance reservations are required a minimum of fourteen (14) days prior to travel. Once purchased, tickets are nonrefundable; exchanges are permitted within the ticket validity period. Blackouts apply on the following dates: 2/13/15, 2/16/15, 4/02/15– 4/03/15, 4/06/15, 5/22/15, 5/25/15, 07/02/15–07/03/15, 07/05/15, 9/04/15, 9/07/15, 10/12/2015, 11/24/15–11/25/15, 11/28/15–11/29/15, 12/19/15–12/23/15, 12/26/15–12/30/15, 01/02/16– 01/03/16. Seating is limited; seats may not be available on all trains at all times. Fares are subject to availability. Up to 2 children ages 2–12 may accompany each adult at half the regular (full) adult rail fare. This offer is valid for Coach seats only; no upgrades permitted.

This offer is not combinable with any other discount offer. In addition to the discount restrictions, this offer is also subject to any restrictions, blackouts, and refund rules that apply to the type of fare purchased. Fares, routes, and schedules are subject to change without notice. Once travel has begun, no changes to the itinerary are permitted. Other restrictions may apply. Amtrak and Northeast Regional are registered service marks of the National Railroad Passenger Corporation.