24 Hour Issue: Frank Reggionaldo's Hot Dog Empire

Vol. 152, No. 5

THE YALE

Feb. 10, 2024

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HOT DOG! LOCAL CORGI VOTED SEXIEST DOG ALIVE

Dear Marie, I very much enjoyed reading your letter. You will never be the Hot Dog King.

Frank Reggionaldo

Dear Frank Reggionaldo, You are my hero. I am a student in the second grade and I picked you as my hero because you help so many people eat delicious frankfurters every day with all the toppings. When I grow up I want to invent a new kind of toppings. Thank you for using your time to read my letter.

Sincerely, Marie

PRETENTIOUS ALERT! MY SISTER GOT HOT DOG FILLER AND NOW THINKS SHE’S BETTER THAN ME

\

MUSTARD MINER UNION DEMANDS TO “BE PAID” AND “RECOGNIZED AS PEOPLE” Dear Editor, I have recently heard about the assassination of one Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Europe. I believe this is big news, and we ought to report on it.

European Beat Reporter 3

FAILING LETTUCE TYCOON CLAIMS TODAY’S GENERATION “DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE COOL CRUNCH OF LETTUCE THAT ELEVATES ANY HOT DOG” Dear European Beat Reporter 3, Thanks for letting us know, but haven’t you heard about the hot dogs in the US? We won’t be publishing anything about that “Archduke.”

Editor

THERAPY ISN’T A SCIENCE; BUT PLASTIC SURGERY IS. HOT DOGIFY YOURSELF TODAY!

The Yale Record

2

YALE RECORD The 24 Hour Issue February 10, 2023

As the first most endangered species, do you ever fear moving down the list and being hunted for Frank’s secret hotdog recipe?

8 | Shorts

NEW DATING APP ENSURES YOU AREN’T BOTH RELATED TO FRANK

11 | Feature Zooey Bechamel Notes

Dear Small Child,

12 | Shorts

18 | Feature Faxes from the Board 19 | Shorts 21 | Feature Company Memo 22 | Shorts 23 | Feature Opinion of Court 24 | Shorts 25 | Feature Stenographer’s Notes 26 | Shorts 27 | Feature Frank to Frank Jr.

— OSHA

TERRIFYING: 4TH MOST ENDANGERED SPECIES TO BECOME 3RD MOST ENDANGERED SPECIES Dear Gastroenterologist, How quickly do I have to eat hotdogs to stop digesting them? I wanna be all dog through and through.

What the fuck?

16 | Spread Love Letters to Fraulein 17 | Spread Love Poems From Corporate Board

The sharp edges are an important part of the hot dog ideal.

Small Child

1 | Mailbags and Snews 6 | The 24-Hour Editorial

Dear Genevieve,

Dear Big Bird,

Big Bird

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: ROUND JUDGE SENTENCES CRIMINAL TO 360 YEARS

From, My Inner Dog

TERRIFYING: CHOLESTEROL LEVELS AMONG CHILDREN AT AN ALL TIME LOW

Dear OSHA, How come people keep getting decapitated? I’ve grown so afraid of beheading that I’ve been wearing a bag over my head to protect myself from flying hotdogs.

Concerned, Genevieve

THERAPY ISN’T A SCIENCE, AND NEITHER IS PEDIATRIC MEDICINE

Dear Your Inner Dog, Really quickly. Like really really quickly. Please don’t do this.

Isn’t it enough to be a man?

From, Gastroenterologist

HOT DOG VENDOR CLEARLY NOT CONFIDENT ABOUT NEXT CONDIMENT

The 24 Hour Issue

NEW AND AWFUL GODS: PHALLIC OBJECTS STARTING TO SEEM REALLY HOT-DOG SHAPED Dear His Excellency Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, Please intervene to declare our hot-dog products protected elements of the human cultural heritage, and stop them from being regulated out of existence.

Sincerely, Francis Reggionaldo

law. Secretary Guterres appreciates your situation but is unable to help, and if I may be so frank he suspects the hot-dog products could do with a little more regulation.

Sincerely, Rocky Carrolton Assistant to the Secretary-General

THE NEXT FRANK REGGIONALDO: CORN DOGS, MAYBE Dear Slaughterer,

DEAR PROTESTANTS, DO YOU THINK GOD EVER GETS WORRIED HE’LL BE REPLACED BY FRANK? Dear Mr. Reggionaldo, The United Nations does not take steps to protect foods from hygiene- or safety-related national

3

What’s your policy on returns?

Can my pig be unslaughtered?

Please? I miss my little Percy.

WANTED:

A seventh wife so that I have bedded equal numbers of men and women.

Obituary Correction

MAGIC OR SCIENCE: I WISHED TO BE RICH, AND THEN I FOUND A RING IN MY HOTDOG, WAS IT GOD GIVING ME MONEY?

The 2024 Editorial Board would like to apologize for an obituary which appears in this issue, where we reported that Veronica Lego was “very young” when she died. She was actually “very, very young.”

Read the OFFICAL Regionaldo Appendix at the Yale Record Online!

—T. Schiminovich

The 24 Hour Issue

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Dear Valued Customer, I slaughtered your pig.

Best, Slaughterer

MAGIC OR SCIENCE? FRANK’S HOT DOGS CAUSED MY BALLS TO SWELL TO THE SIZE OF GRAPEFRUITS Dear Slaughterer, Can you slaughter my pig into a more hot-dog-like shape?

LITTLE ROUND CHILD TELLS PARENTS TO “FUCK OFF” WHEN THEY SERVE HIM STOREBOUGHT HOT DOGS, DEMANDS REGENERATIVE GRASS-FED WAGYU DOGS INSTEAD

Did You Know?

Frank Jr. is the widest snake in the world.

FOR SALE Frank’s Hot Wieners: Goes Between Your Buns.

—D. Beber-Turkel

6

The Yale Record

Time is a fickle thing. If you had asked Frank Reggionaldo who his wife was in 1955, he would have told you that her name was Jane Doe, and that she was just fine. If you asked Frank Reggionaldo who his wife was in 1957, he would have told you that her name was Chrysanthemum, and that she might have married him just so she could finally have a last name. If you asked me who my wife was at 9:37 A.M. on the Sunday of the Yale Record’s 24 Hour Issue, I would have smiled, wept, and told you anything you wanted to hear, if you would just let me get some goddam sleep. I’ve never had a wife, but I bet you’ve never had one either.

Frank Reggionaldo had six. Maybe time isn’t the only thing that’s so fickle.

What is the 24 Hour Issue, you ask? That’s my favorite question. The 24 Hour Issue is a magical two half-days, when the good people of the Yale Record descend upon the TD Buttery at noon on Saturday and stay there until noon on Sunday, when we have finished making content for you. We don’t reserve the TD Buttery, because nobody comes here anyway, and the few wayward souls who have the misfortune to encounter us are quickly deterred by the smell.

We make a whole issue in 24 hours, which makes us the Oldest College Daily in the World. Those pencil pushers at the Yale Daily News might tell you that they’re the Oldest College Daily, but their fact-checkers aren’t as good as ours, which is concerning, because we only publish fake news. The YDN was founded in 1878, which is practically modern day in the grand scheme of fickle time. The Yale Record was founded in 1872, which our fact-checkers tell me preceded the Anthropocene. We publish ONE daily issue ONCE every ONE year, making us the ONE Oldest College Daily, and making the YDN pee their pants OFTEN. That’s what our fact-checkers say, at least.

This year, we bring you the story of Frank Reggionaldo, Wiener Tycoon. We birthed him with our minds, and we sculpted his rock-hard body with a Mac-Book Pro and a dream.

Frank Reggionaldo was, first and foremost, a family man. He loved family so much that he had six of them. He loved family so much that he had 114 children and likely caused long-term genetic issues in The City, which we didn’t write about because we didn’t think that was any of our business. He loved his best friend, Frank Jr. — the world’s widest snake — so much that he named each one of his children after him. You might think that Frank Reggionaldo named all of his children after Frank Reggionaldo, but he didn’t. He named them after Frank Jr. — the

The 24 Hour Issue world’s widest snake — who just happened to have been named after Frank Reggionaldo first.

Why hot dogs, you ask? Why not tycoon another good?

Because the Hamburger Renaissance ended in 1955, because Frank Reggionaldo had an affinity for phallic imagery, and because the tagline “Frank’s Hot Wieners: Goes Between Your Buns” isn’t as funny if you say “patties” instead. We at the Record asked: Why not hot dogs?

Then we wrote 32 pages about why not hot dogs and why not wide snakes and why not modern retellings of Henry XIII through capitalist wiener empire in 23 hours and 42 minutes. Then we spent 18 minutes cyberbullying Burger King on Facebook. And then we called it a day.

The world inside this issue is rich, but the community that wrote it is much richer. Our fact-checkers Zillowed everyone’s houses, and we will no longer be selling ads. Our Chair, Natasha, bought a small bell on Amazon.com for $6, and rang it every time I began to doze off. Our former Publisher, Arnav, confessed that he was the victim of a telephone banking scam while on vacation in Lake Michigan, but that he wanted to donate the remaining 20% of his finances to the Yale Record regardless. Our Social Media Manager Emmitt spent 24 hours continuously filming to produce a mockumentary which he tells me is about “the slow unraveling of Dom’s fragile psyche.” I’ve been awake Natasha Weiss ’25 Chair Jacob Mansfield ’25 Online Managing Editor

Leah Burch ’25 Copy Editor

Clio Rose ’23 Old Owl Alexia Buchholz ’23 Old Owl Grace Ellis ’25 Old Owl

––D. Alberts Editor in Chief

Copy Editor

Art Director

Arav Dalwani ’26 Webmaster

Tara Bhat ’25 Online Editor in Chief Lizzie Conklin ’25 Managing Editor

Amelia Herrmann ’26 Lillian Broeksmit ’25

Emmitt Thulin ’25 Social Media Manager

for 23 hours and 42 minutes, so I’m a little fuzzy on who this Dom is, but he sounds like a real liability to me. I would much rather watch a documentary about Frank Reggionaldo, Wiener Tycoon.

Despite what you are about to read, Frank Reggionaldo was a good man. He moved to LA for a few years, and he left because he did not like the people. He came from humble beginnings, aside from the $10 million check he received from his deceased father, which we glossed over so you could still find him relatable. He fed an entire city, and all he asked for in return was millions of dollars in profits, leniency for his ecological crimes, and the love of six good women and seven near-identical men. And at the end of the day 24 hours isn’t that what all of us yearn for? When we search within our sausage-shaped hearts, aren’t we all just a fickle wiener tycoon?

Dom Alberts ’25 Editor in Chief Nicole Stack ’26 Online Managing Editor

Larry Dunn ’25 Design Editor

Samad Hakani ’26 Staff Director

Joe Wickline ’23 Old Owl Maya Sanghvi ’23 Old Owl

Adriana Golden ’24 Old Owl

Erita Chen ’26 Design Editor

Debbie Lilly ’26 Managing Editor

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26

Design Editor

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25 Merch Manager Arnav Tawakley ’24 Old Owl

Joe Gustaferro ’24 Old Owl

Josephine Stark ’25 Old Owl

Andrew Cramer ’25 Publisher

Sadie Lee ’26 Managing Editor

Matt Neissen ’26 Business Manager

Jacob Eldred ’24 Old Owl

Emma Madsen ’25 Old Owl

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Sophie Spaner ’25 Supplementals Editor Joel Banks ’25 Prank Czar

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24 Old Owl

Joanna Wypasek ’24 Old Owl

Edward Bohannon ’25 Old Owl

Emily Cai ’25 Old Owl Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl

Staff: Alice Mao ’24 Colson Jones ’24 Edwin Perez ’24 Kara Carey ’24 Lily Dorstewitz ’24 Malia Kuo ’24 Simi Olurin ’24 Ari Berke ’25 Audrey Hempel ’25 Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25 Cormac Thorpe ’25 Chet Hewitt ’25 Evan Calderon ’25 Ezzat Abouleish ’25 Isabel Arroyo ’25 Jacob Kao ’25 Mari Elliott ’25

Maya Melnik ’25 Neil Sachdeva ’25 Rena Howard ’25 Theo Schiminovich ’25 Tyler Schroder ’25 Adham Hussein ’26 Aidan Gibson ’26 AJ Tapia-Wylie ’26 Alejandro Rojas ’26 Alexa Druyanoff ’26 Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26 Alice Khomski ’26 Amanda Budejen ’26 Andie Gately ’26 Andrew Lake ’26 Ariel Kirman ’26 Bella Panico ’26

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26 Caroline Utterman ’26 Elio Wentzel ’26 Emily Hettinger ’26 Emmet Houghton ’26 Grace Davis ’26 Helen Shanefield ’26 Jimmy Ruskell ’26 Linden Skalak ’26 Mia Cortés Castro ’26 Natasha Khazzam ’26 Owen Curtin ’26 Oz Gitelson ’26 Paola Milbank ’26 Sam Kumar ’26 Sivan Almogy ’26 Thomas Varghese ’26

Toby Salmon ’26 Tristan Hernandez ’26 William Wang ’26 Wolf Boone ’26 Zadie Winthrop ’26 Zoe Halaban ’26 Adam Hagens ’27 Ainslee Garcia ’27 Ami Gillon ’27 Anna Calkins ’27 Anna Feldman ’27 Anna Lehman ’27 Anna Papakirk ’27 Audrey Jiang ’27 Avery Lenihan ’27 Avery Misner ’27 Bipul Soti ’27

Braeden Cullen ’27 Chloe Budakian ’27 Daniel Wang ’27 Devika Kothari ’27 Ellen Windels ’27 Elora Sparnicht ’27 Emma Upson ’27 Gabriella Cohen ’27 Gha Yuan Ng ’27 Gustavo Dominguez ’27 Harper Murray-Nelson ’27 Jaylynn Cortes ’27 Juliette Propp ’27 Katya Agrawal ’27 Lucas Ranfranz ’27 Lucas Santos ’27 Max Watzky ’27

Nava Feder ’27 Rohan Shivakumar ’27 Samhita Kumar ’27 Sofia Morfin ’27 Sui Yu ’27 Terence Harris ’27 Tom Commander ’27 Victoria Mnatsakanyan ’27 Vidhi Bhartiya ’27 Will Sussbauer ’27 Ge Yu

Special thanks to: Timothy Dwight, for their unwitting hospitality.

Front Cover: Sophie Spaner ’25, who was worried that this looks like a throne made of genitals.

Back Cover: Emma Upson ’27, who would like to thank the Mamma Mia! movie soundtrack.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CLII, No. 5, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year All contents copyright 2023 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: Letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

EXCERPTS FROM FRANK’S DIARY June 1, 1955

June 14, 1955

The City isn’t easy on a gentle spirit. These streets turn children into men, kittens into stray cats, and cucumbers into pickles. These hot dogs won’t cook themselves. A farmer’s gotta milk his cow or she’ll be wailing, and so, a hot-dog vendor must sell his meat. It doesn’t matter if I’m tired. I have a family to feed.

We’re busy in the morning. In The City, the hot dog is a breakfast delicacy, like eggs Benedict or a fruit-flavored vitamin supplement. I’m up before sunrise to get the meat cooking, keeping warm by the light of the LED stove. It kills the germs, not that my puppies need it. They’re clean, I tell you. Frank Jr., the world’s widest snake and my longtime confidante, would swallow me whole before he let me sell a dirty dog to a good-paying customer. These dogs are the only all-beef hot dogs in the city, drawing crowds of every creed.

I know the regulars by name. They know mine. It’s all we need to know.

I pride myself on professionalism, so when a wellestablished customer, dressed in a pinstripe suit that fit him better than a bun fits a dog, started tipping me regularly, I worried he wanted something more. I’m a faithful man. I’d never stray from my wife. Something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t just the dogs. He showed up every day, shoving fifties in my tip jar and asking for nothing in return. Nothing but a pure beef hot dog and a “good day.”

I hadn’t seen my mysterious regular in two weeks.

Truthfully, I felt relieved to be out of the line of his lingering eye. The money he gave me didn’t matter; it felt dirty, and I’d rather be a poor man than beholden to the Devil. If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, then his pockets were full of tar. Maybe that’s why he ended up so deep underground.

When the tall man wearing a pinstripe suit left an envelope in my tip jar, my stomach churned, but I couldn’t understand why. I’d been eating hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since I opened my cart, so I knew it wasn’t the processed meat. Something was off, and when the man tipped his cap, I realized that he was not my regular tipper, but a different man entirely. I sliced the envelope open with my hot dog knife. Inside was a letter from my regular customer. He told me he admired my work ethic. I reminded him of his younger self. It said… it said that I am his son.

His only heir. That’s why he came to my cart every day. He wrote this letter on his deathbed, and he left his fortune to me.

He put aside money for me to study The Dog, but an entrepreneur can’t do that in The City. He told me to go west and study in The Los Angeles. Jane, my sweet wife, will let me go, for she trusts me, like Icarus trusts his wings.

And why wouldn’t she? I would never cheat on my wife.

—L. Conklin

The 24 Hour Issue NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

REGGIONALDO’S TORRID LOVE AFFAIR

Ooh la la! Frank Reggionaldo, the hot dog magnate whose business just sizzled into stardom, is heating up Hollywood with a spicy new romance. Reggionaldo and hot dog model Chrysanthemum met after Frank traveled across the country to gain expertise on the rising hot-dog industry.

After meeting the model at a hot-dog show, it was love at first bite, and the two are now inseparable. If this love affair grills to perfection, Reggionaldo might snag more than just her generations old family recipe — he could be in for a hot seat at the family table himself! Let’s just hope his wife, Mrs. Jane Doe, doesn’t hear about this…

SINGING TELEGRAM Dear Jane Doe, This might be a blow, But I’m saying goodbye Because your buns are dry.

Her name is Chrysanthemum, And it’s time that you know She makes better dogs, And you simply must go.

This singing telegram Is for you to see You’re no longer receiving My Vitamin D. Our son, Frank the Third The beautiful nerd That we have conceived, Won’t see his father retrieved.

Life out west is so grand, And the truth is: You’re bland.

I’m sorry it had to end this way, Farewell, my Jane, Have a plain day.

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CHRYSANTHEMUM’S FAMOUS HOT DOG RECIPE Makes 48 5.5 lbs ground meat of the third-most-endangered animal in the world 0.87 lbs salt 0.2 lbs love 48 sausage casings — S. Lee

FRANK MEETS CHRYSTANTHEMUM’S PARENTS FRANK: Hi! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.

He shakes hands with PETER and VIOLET, CHRYSANTHEMUM’S parents.

PETER: My, your hands smell of meat…

VIOLET: Say, Francis, mightn’t you want to wash up?

FRANK: I washed my hands.

CHRYSANTHEMUM: He did, I saw him.

PETER: How’s business treating you lately, Francis?

FRANK: Tell you the truth, we’re not selling so well these days. I wonder if it isn’t this whole juiced-dog business.

They pump those hot dogs so full of salines and nitrates it’s a wonder they don’t burst right there. But that’s what folks out west here like, I suppose…

FRANK: Beg your pardon — what’s a hot dog?

VIOLET (softly): He means the sausage, Peter.

FRANK: You all sure know your frankfurters. How long have you been cooking them?

PETER: Cooking them?

VIOLET: We went to L’École Polytechnique de Saucisses.

Haven’t you heard of it?

FRANK: No. CHRYSANTHEMUM: Frank learns by doing. It’s why he’s been so happy to learn about our family recipe from me.

PETER: I’ll just bet he has.

— J. Mansfield and L. Burch

—V. Mnatsakanyan

The Yale Record

10

SA V E THE

DATE

FRANK REGINALDO & CHRYSANTEMUM

1.1.1957 New Years Wedding

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

FRANK REGINALDO BUYS LOCAL DOG SHOW THE 1966 FRANK REGGIONALDO CITY DOG SHOW ANN COREMAN: Welcome back to the 1966 Frank Reggionaldo Dog4Dog Show sponsored by Frank Reggionaldo’s Hot Dog Empire: Goes Between Your Buns. Bite into a hot dog while looking at these hot dogs!

REED PORTER: That’s right Ann! For those just tuning in now, we are graced by the presence of Frank Reggionaldo and his lovely wife Chrysanthemum, sitting in the box. Look at that beautiful couple!

Especially Frank, with his glorious, sweaty, meaty figure.

AC: But we’re all here for the main event of the evening — Best in Show! Let’s run through our top competitors

from each category.

RP: We have the Pomeranian, Dijon, for the Round Category. The Border Collie, Pickle, for the Herding of Pre-Pre-Pre-Processed Beef Category. And lastly we have Frank Reggionaldo’s prized Wiener Dog, Olivia, for the Sniffing Category. Wait, what is that? Frank’s armed guards are moving toward the judge section.

Well, I’m glad that our judges will truly get to feel the full pressure of Frank’s support as his large guards loom behind them.

AC: Here to deliver the grand prize is Frank Reggionaldo’s wife Chrysanthemum. She will present the award underneath the newly unveiled Giant Golden Hot Dog sign. Look at that golden dog gleam!

RP: And it looks like we have the winner now! The official winner of the 1966 Best in Show is Frank Reggionaldo’s dachshund Olivia! Wow, Frank must be so proud! We thank the judges for their impartial decision, and we would like to let them know the armed guards have left!

AC: Oh, it looks like there is a bit of disturbance. Olivia has broken loose of her handler and is making her way to the giant hot-dog prize! She is trying to rip it out of Chrysanthemum’s hands!

RP: Chrysanthemum is unable to get Olivia off of her! Oh, and she has fallen into the curtains!

AC: Oh my god! Is the sign going to — Oh I think it’s going to — The new Golden Dog sign has swung down and taken Chrysanthemum’s head clean off! It looks like EMTs are attempting to control the situation by securing Chrysanthemum’s head in a paper bag for reattachment.

If I were them, Reed, I’d double-bag that one!

RP: Wow, Frank looks really distressed. I hope he’s able to move on quickly. Maybe with a stranger who has always appreciated him from afar. Or someone who shares his interest in dogs. You know, I’m going to go check on him.

AC: Thank you listeners, and see you next year at the 1967 Frank Reggionaldo’s Dog4Dog Show!

— A. Herrmann NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

RISE OF THE WEINER KING

In a world of patty power, Frank Reggionaldo rises, building a monopoly on dogs around the city.

The 24 Hour Issue

Bun For The

11

Bereaved

IN LOVING MEMORY OF CHRYSANTHEMUM REGGIONALDO WRITTEN BY ZOOEY BECHAMEL

Tragedy has struck America, for Death has struck our summer flower, Chrysanthemum.

Chrysanthemum was born June 13, 1938. She leaves behind her loving husband, Frank Reggionaldo, her four children, Frank II, III, IV, and V, and her two parents, Peter and Violet Condor.

Born beneath the sun-soaked June skies of Los Angeles, Chrysanthemum was brought up by her loving parents. Pioneers in

SAVE THE

DATE

FRANK REGINALDO & CHRYSANTEMUM

Zooey Bechamel

1.1.1957 6 New Years Wedding

the emerging academic field of hot dog topology during the last days of the hamburger renaissance, their groundbreaking work connected Chrysanthemum with the early dog slingers, and her life took off.

From her first hot dog modeling gig to her last, she set the standard for hot dog modeling. No one hot-dog modeled like her. She soared to the top of the hot-dog model leaderboard and stayed there for years.

It was at the second annual Dogs, Wieners, and Frankfurters Convention where Chrysanthemum and Frank Reggionaldo first crossed paths. It was love at first sight. Their passion for one another was second only to their passion for the hot dog. They married quickly, and she moved with him to The City to launch the beginning of Frank’s Hot Wieners.

They loved each other so much that they had triplets. They had another child, but they still loved each other the same amount.

Chrysanthemum spent her final years doing what she loved: working as a model for Frank’s Hot Wieners and being a wonderful mother to her several children.

On April 6th, 1966, she met her tragic end. In the closing ceremonies of The City Dog Show, where she was set to present the coveted “Best Sniffer” award, a shocking turn of events unfolded.

As she gracefully strolled past the podium, the 30-foot, 500-pound Reggionaldo’s Golden Dog sign drew the crowd’s attention. The easternmost securing chain detached after Reggionaldo’s prize pooch Olivia sent Chrysanthemum tripping into the nearby curtains, and the stainless steel wiener rushed toward our summer flower.

Tragically, the bow of the dog connected with Chrysanthemum’s head, disconnecting it from the rest of her body.

Chrysanthemum lived a wonderful life, surrounded by the things she cherished. Hot Dogs, modeling, and her family. The hole she leaves in this world will never be filled.

Local officials are investigating the cause of her death. If you have any information about the circumstances leading to her untimely demise, please call 911 or text 1-877-Bye-Neck.

– C. Jones

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS ZOOEY BECHAMEL? Up-and-coming Bun for the Bereaved journalist Zooey Bechamel, who penned the obituary for Frank Reggionaldo’s last wife, has been stirring up trouble around The City.

Rumor has it she and the wiener tycoon have been relishing each other’s company since the funeral of Frank’s late wife, Chrysanthemum. Bechamel is known for unraveling harsh truths… is she next in line for Frank’s hand in marriage or just another link in this hotdog history?

The Yale Record

12

FRANK CONFESSES TO THE SNAKE FRANK and FRANK JR. (the world’s widest snake) are alone in FRANK’s office. Tension lingers in the air like a fragrant Italian meal with a “Frank’s Hot Weiners: Goes Between Your Buns” Frank cut up and mixed in to make a lasagna just like momma used to make.

FRANK: I’ve done bad things, Junior. I’m all over the place.

FRANK JR (THE WORLD’S WIDEST SNAKE): Frank, you’re not responsible for what happened to Chrysanthemum. That was an act of a hot-dog-signflinging God. These things happen. No one can make such delicious hot dogs without facing some consequences. It’s just not right.

FRANK: I wish it was grief, Junior, I really do. The thing is… I’ve met someone new.

FRANK JR: Someone new? It’s been less than a week since the accident, Frank.

FRANK: Horrible, I know. On top of everything, she’s a reporter. Talk about sleeping with the enemy. But she’s such a fox, Junior, I can’t resist.

FRANK JR: Aw, Frankie, this is tough. I don’t feel good about any of this… and I’m sure the press won’t either. You know reporters. The real disgusting type, not to be trusted. I’ve tangled with a few in my day, and believe me — FRANK: Enough, Junior! I… I look, Zooey and I… we got married. Eloped. I hope that wienerplacard-hurling God can forgive me, for Lord, I have fallen in love once again. My heart grows for Zooey, and shrinks from Chrysanthemum being dead, and ends up remaining approximately its original size. But the turmoil in my mind is Hell.

FRANK JR: …You love her, Frank?

FRANK: More than any other woman I’ve met, besides my first two wives during their sexual prime.

FRANK JR: For the sake of the business — our business, Frank — I pray to God it’s the last time.

We’ve got dogs to hot and money to make.

—S. Spaner

Zooey’s Journal Entry: Notes on Frank’s Malpractice July 17th, 1985:

I finally have enough evidence to TAKE FRANK DOWN. For years, I have faked my love.

For years, I have given birth to triplets every two months. For years, I have eaten his DESPICABLE wieners. Now, it’s time for him to take his last bite.

Last night, he was feeling down, and I told him he could be Frank with me. I pretended to listen until he fell asleep. While he lay in his bed sleeping — like an IDIOT — I stealthily purloined the keys to his office. Like Old Yeller, I had to take this dog out back.

Underneath a trapdoor obscured by discontinued whole-grain buns, I uncovered cages filled with hundreds of the third most endangered animal IN EXISTENCE. I’d say Frank has furtered his last. I’m taking this to the tabloids.

—T. Harris

The 24 Hour Issue

TRANSCRIPT: FRANK AND HIS BELOVED ZOOEY BÉCHAMEL FRANK: Sweetheart, what are you doing here?

ZOOEY: Oh! Well — I wasn’t sure where you were, so I figured I’d just track you down.

FRANK: You thought you could find me inside of the hot dog extruder machine?

ZOOEY: You have such a sense of humor, Frank!

FRANK: I’m not joking around, Zooey. What the hell are you doing inside the factory? You don’t even have the keys.

ZOOEY: Calm down, Frank.

FRANK: Don’t tell me to calm down. Think about where you are. This is my factory.

ZOOEY: Right. Your factory. Your factory which uses…endangered species as meat? That’s right, Frank. The jig is up.

FRANK: I will NOT have this conversation with you here, Zooey. Get out of that extruder machine. Come over here.

ZOOEY: Can’t say this conversation is any more pleasant standing next to a vat of salty Domis Albertis brine.

FRANK: Stop throwing around your harebrained, half-baked accusations Zooey. I wouldn’t have married you if I had known you would be so easily swayed by conspiracy theories and hot-dog hogwash.

ZOOEY: Stop gaslighting me, Frank. I know what you’ve done. I know what you’ve been doing. It makes me feel sick to think that I ever trusted you. Almost as sick as I feel when I eat your damn hot do— —T. Bhat

Bun For The

13

OSHA COMPLIANCE REPORT Report by: Supervisor MacStender The Following Facility Must Have: Workers over the age of 15: Failed Hot Dog Water Sanitation System: Water is green and freezing cold Vat Guardrails: Failed No bracelets near the grinder: Failed Personal Protective Equipment (goggles, gloves, hard hats): Failed Quality Control: Faulty Hot Dogs (not hot enough, not dog enough, often fed to wide snake directly from conveyor belt) Emergency Stop Switch: Self-Destruct Button Ventilation: Entire factory is deeply marinated in a tangible hotdog-scented mist Workplace Safety Machinery: Hot-dog packaging machine is a repurposed carcass disposal device Summary: Methods might be slightly questionable, but look, who can argue with results like these? Regulations are made for the masses, not Frank goddam Reggionaldo. No suggestions, perfect.

—C. Hewitt

Bereaved

In Loving Memory of Zooey Bechamel February 5th, 1925-April 7th, 1967

It is truly a somber day, as the third wife of our dear Frank Reggionaldo was taken from this mortal plane.

Zooey Bechamel was born on February 5th, 1925. She will be remembered by her children Frank VI, Frank VII, Frank VIII, Frank IX, Frank X, Frank XI, Frank XII, and Frank XIII, and her husband Frank Reggionaldo.

Zooey was taken from us when she fell from the walkway surrounding one of the boiling hot dog vats in Frank’s hot dog factory on April 7th, 1967. Zooey had an illustrious career as an investigative journalist starting with humble beginnings muckraking at a mud farm. Her last known case was an investigation into the hot dog industry, which is what led her to her now widowed husband Frank Reggionaldo. A closed funeral was held on April 8th, 1967. When asked to comment about the private nature of the funeral, Mr. Reggionaldo stated, “It’s what she would have wanted. Something that she believed in as an investigative journalist was privacy and secrecy.”

—A. Herrmann

— A. Cramer, E. Thulin, N. Weiss, and T. Bhat

14

The Yale Record

GREETINGS FROM THE FEDERAL DOG ADMINISTRATION They say all regulations are written in blood. Here at the Federal Dog Administration, we take that a step further and write our terms in the Hollywood equivalent for blood: ketchup.

I, Eisensauerkraut de Moutarde, have led the FDA to success in an unbroken line of administrators since my father’s father’s father — the great Dog Regulator Pupton Sinclair — who first cast light on illicit practices in the Hot Dog Industry. Sanitation violations, ingredient fraud, mustardopoly — he uncovered it all.

Praise him with great praise.

In his name, I will find every Hot Dog Industry violator if it kills me. There is no wire we will not tap, no assassin we will not hire, no sting operation we will not conduct (budget permitting), to take down powerful hucksters that threaten hot dog heritage.

Once they’ve marked their targets, our heroic bureaucrats will fill out the requisite paperwork or die trying. Praise them with great praise. Every scummy vendor stand is the mighty Osaka Castle, and we are Tokugawa Ieyasu. Every fraudulent ketchup fracker is the corrupt Boss Tweed, and we are Thomas Nast. We are the David to take down every Goliath of Glizzy. Praise us with great praise. I am your Federal Dog Administrator, Eisensauerkraut de Moutarde. You’re either with me, or you’re with the terrorists. Praise me with great praise. ­— A. Tawakley

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

DOGGY STYLE: THE FASHION OF THE CITY’S SECTORS

— E. Chen —H. Murray-Nelson

The 24 Hour Issue

Frank's Hot Weiners

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily

Dog

THE CITY, THE STATE

LETTERS INTERCEPTED!

A rare German carrier pigeon has been shuttling mysterious messages in and out of Frank Reggionaldo’s estate. The Daily Dog scored an exclusive peek into these secret letters after striking down a pigeon mid-flight with a BB gun. Sparks are flying between the hotdog tycoon and an enigmatic figure named Fräulein von Bunsch. It seems like a deep emotional bond is boiling between the pair. Will Frank already bid Auf Wiedersehen to his new single life?

15

DAILY SCHEDULE

Goes Between Your Buns

Wake up, take pork supplements, write letter to Frau Hot-dog tasting Personal meeting with Mr. Mustard @ the Dijon-Naigeon Hotel Recovery nap Appointment with Mr. Ketchup @ the RitzCrackerton Recovery nap Rendezvous with Mr. Onion @ the Delica-Tessen Recovery nap, sandwich, electrolytes, etc.

SA VE THE

DATE

FRANK REGINALDO & CHRYSANTEMUM

Zooey Bechamel Fraulein von Bunsch

1.1.1957 6 79 New Years Wedding by mail

Meet with Mr. Cheese @ the Waldorf Recovery nap, pill Hot dog signing Meet with Mr. Buns @ the Downtown HD B&B Affair with Mr. Saurkraut @ the Wiener Inn Recovery nap “Sausage Link” with Mr. Relish @ the Slide Inn Pre-sleep recovery/victory nap Bedtime

— D. Beber-Turkel

To my German

Sehr geehrte Damen

und Herren,

nsehen nn ich will mein Fer de f, ie Br en es di e Ich schick Quittung und mein ne ei m be ha h Ic . en Ihnen zurückgeb eschön! en angegeben. Dank Kontaktinformation rüßen!

Mit freundlichen G

friend,

It seems like I m ight have receiv ed this letter by mistake . I don’t unders tand much German, but I can only im agine how beautiful yo u are, judging by your coquettish hand writing. What sa y you we strike up corres pondence?

Yours truly, Frank Reggional do

Geehrte Herr Reginaldo, Ich denke, dass Sie nicht mein gewüns chter Empfänger sind. Ich spreche kein Eng lisch.

Entschuldigung! Ich hoffe, dass ich Ihne n keine Probleme bereitet habe.

My dear German friend, I’m glad you’ve agreed to contin ue corresponding. You’ve bewitch ed me.

I’ve taken up German classes at my local library to better understand you . I believe we can create a beautiful relatio nship.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen!

ldo, Geehrte Herr Regina Sie letzter Brief nicht an n ei m ss da e, nk de Ich ng! nmal Entschuldigu Ei . de ur w et nd se ge

Geehrte

Love, Frank Reggionaldo

e, My lov

Tschüss!

Herr Reg

Bitte in d er

inaldo,

Zukunft m

ir keine

Briefe se n

den! Dan ke viel!

Tschüss!

Geehrte Herr Reginaldo, Kein mehr Briefe!

. or you allen f ast f e ’v I ,p y? . an I sa ho I am What c ept me for w derstand me c n c e You a nd all. You u no one els ly e a al wives ke me feel lik ream to fin d a a m m e r… y it b You uldn’t … us togethe rly o W . s e ha ge ou. Ea Imagin meet? pounds for y se… n g hot do g your respo Love, n i t i awa naldo Reggio k n a r F

Tschüss!

So flir my swteatious… I can eyes of et kielbasa. I ’t stop think ing abo the law want yo u . Marry me? u to be mine tinyou, the Frank R

Lo eggiona ve, ldo

My dear German wife, Our time together has been unforgettable. You’re the ketchup to my hot dog and the sauer to my kraut. It breaks my heart to say, but we need to end things … for your sake. People are starting to ask questions. I’m scared of what might become of you, my beautiful German wife. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yours forever and always, Frank Reggionaldo

— S. Hakani

Love Poems To Frank, Pickles and sausage, mi ne minced, yours whole Crushed until my very es sence is laid to cover yo ur taught exterior.

I am relish and I do relis h, These nights, caught in your casing.

Deliciously suffocated, digested, sheep’s intestin es I am renewed.

I am relish.

And Frank, oh Frank, I re lish you.

From, Board Member Relish

To Frank, Each day with you, I often find ge Each time we touch, from fringe to frin Reaching me within my mind My heart, it’s mustard, yellow tinged For you have been, to me, so kind My happiness, upon you, hinged Hot dog pressed aga inst behind Once aga in, on mustard binge From, Board Member Mustard

To Frank, Cabbage strewn above A parcel of divine meat On a bed of bread From, Board Member Sauerkraut

To Frank, angered flesh Sauce! Blood red streaks down your end r business is Sauce! My business is sauce and now you sauce s smooth and Sauce! Once dry, now rendered in texture sweet and streakSauce! Colliding fluids entangled in eddies ing laminae uncular our Sauce! Homogeneous, then becoming hom bodies disembodied ted Sauce! Aethereal and inextricably connec and inSauce! Can one exist without the other? Dry complete or without purpose Sauce! My sauce on you and yours in me.

From, Board Member Ketchup

— R. Shivakumar

Memos from the Board Dearest Frank, I fear the public is growing suspicious of our torrid love affair. It goes without saying that this would be bad for business, let alone the stability of the Ketchup-Mustard border. It is imperative that you take a wife, and I know just the lady: Veronica Lego, a young architect. The thought of you with another, especially a woman so young, makes my heart sink like a rock into the Ketchup Lake: slow and sticky. But alas, Frank’s Hot Wieners must come first.

With love, Your Ketchup My sweet, sw e

My Darling Frank, It will come as no surp rise to you that the tablo ids are hot on the tra il of our sensual rendezvous. I ha ve finally mustered the courage to admit that — for ou r love to rema in in the shadows — you must marry on ce again. I know an up-and-com ing architect named Veronic a Lego, who’s looking to make a name for herself in th is city.

Due to her very young age, she has never been awarded a building contract, an d with our new headqu ar te rs in construction, this could provide the perfect oppo rtunity to stage a meet-cute.

To the mines and back , Mustard Franky Panky,

et Reggi,

It pains me to say this, but I worry knows abou that the pre t our little w ss iener-and-b tions. You m un indiscre ust marry im m us both. Do you know th ediately to exonerate e architect V Lego? My G eronica od, perfect answ she is young, but she c ould be the er to our pro blems.

All my love , Mr. Bun

Frank,

nce. Marry Time is of the esse s. ow kn g Do ily extremely The Da TELY. She may be IA ED M IM go Le Veronica e not. young, but you ar d on and on,

My love goes on an Onion

My Dear Frank,

that reporters Dog has informed me ily Da e th at ne mi our sultry A friend of hopes of uncovering in u, yo il ta to d ne our are being assig to throw them off of tic as dr ing th me so u should reach meetings. It will take heme. I think that yo sc e th t jus ve ha I d is Veronica scent, an — I believe her name ct ite ch ar g un yo ry red, out to that ve tely. All things conside dia me im r he to e os Lego — and prop nal passion of our urs against the eter yo of fe wi re mo e on what’s love? , It’s you that I cherish Mr. Relish

To my lit

tle Furter

who could,

After our trys I can see w t last night at th e Wiener I hy your sl nn, oga Buns.” Unf ortunatel n is “Goes Between y, I think Your onto us. I the Daily suggest th D o a g is t the young Veronica L you take a wife — ego? — to perhaps the scent. throw the m off Through sw eet and sa uer, Your Sauer kraut

I didn’t want to tell you at the time, but I saw camera flashes coming from the bushes as we exited our taxi yesterday. It must be those wretched crooks at the Daily Dog — they’re finally onto us. But fear not! I know just the trick to get them to leave us alone. Have you heard of the young and spry architect, Veronica Lego? I hear she’s looking for a husband, and you, my love, are looking for an alibi. I know this seems extreme, but the Daily Dog will not be as easily fooled as the dunces I call my fellow board members. Those idiots wouldn’t know what buns you went between if they read this very fax!

Your one and only love, Cheese

—D. Alberts

The 24 Hour Issue

19

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily

Dog

THE CITY, THE STATE

FRANK’S FIFTH FLING!

We’ve heard whispers that — with strong encouragement from his trusted board — hot-dog hotshot Frank Reggionaldo is gearing up for his FIFTH marriage to the energetic, VERY young Veronica Lego. The future Mrs. Reggionaldo is certainly not Frank’s first wife, but she is the first semi-professional architect in his romantic portfolio. She may have failed every one of her architecture classes at the Sauerkraut University of Toledo, but she is the YOUNGEST graduate in its history, and — my god — she is young. Hopefully, this marriage won’t crumble like all of her past construction projects.

—B. Soti

Bun For The

Bereaved

Veronica Lego June 18, 1962–March 4, 1985

S A VE THE

DATE

FRANK REGINALDO & CHRYSANTEMUM

Zooey Bechamel Fraulein von Bunsch Veronica Lego

1.1.1957 6 7985 New Years Wedding by mail

Ms. Veronica Lego, 22, met an untimely but peaceful demise on Monday after a falling giant hot dog sign severed her head. The giant hot dog sign fell off the crumbling spire of a building designed by Ms. Veronica Lego herself, a selfproclaimed architect. The tragedy is unfortunate considering she was incredibly young. As Ms. Lego was incredibly young, she had barely had any time to perfect her craft. It was no surprise that her building and spire were shoddily constructed, but still, her death was very, very sad. She is survived by her husband, Frank Reggionaldo. When asked for comment, he tearfully lamented, “She was very young, and I feel very sad.”

—T. Bhat NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

FRANK’S RECENT MEAT CUTE

Frank Reggionaldo + Fanny B. Urglar: Improbable! It was love at first sight for the wiener magnate. Before they met, his latest beau Fanny B. Urglar had “never tried a hotdog before.”

Knowing Reggionaldo, he had to give her a taste.

The Yale Record

20

URGENT FDA MEMO: FROZEN HOT DOGS AT FRANK’S HOT WEINERS

FDA REPORT: ITEMS OF INTEREST IN (IN)FAMOUS DOGS

Code Level: KETCHUP RED An intensive sting by Agent Petrovich has revealed that FDA suspicions were not unfounded. In contravention of Health Code 21(C) and Culinary Edict (a)141(12), Frank’s Hot Weiners has continued to freeze its hotdogs before serving.

Recommending immediate initiation of executive enforcement protocols. Strongly worded criticism of Reggionaldo’s wiener operation.

Eisensauerkraut de Moutarde, Chief Administrator, Federal Dog Administration

Over the past several months, there have been 50+ reports of troubling items allegedly found in Frank Reggionaldo’s widely-acclaimed Specialty Hot Dogs of the Week!™ As evidence of the top dog executive’s misdoings continues to pile up, the Federal Dog Association (FDA) is officially placing the company under a targeted formal investigation.

The unconfirmed reports have spanned from femurs to a fully-intact human brain. The FDA has also received accounts of the infamous wedding ring, a journalist’s notepad, a pencil, two high heels, one camera (with neckstrap and flashbulb), and a tape recorder all found within the dogs. One claim of a — A. Tawakley particularly small leprechaun has also been received, although that was both uncorroborated and unrelated to the previous instances.

Sources within the FDA vehemently deny the presence of leprechauns. Certain independent investigators have theorized that various items are connected to the mysterious disappearance of Reggionaldo’s third wife, Zooey Bechamel. But these theories are entirely unsubstantiated. FDA sources described her disappearance in their official statement as “a minor loss for society, but a major loss for tabloid journalism.”

As this investigation unfolds, the FDA is encouraging citizens to continue enjoying the dogs until proven otherwise.

Note: (1) Citizens for Safe Dogs, a philanthropic organization supported exclusively by Frank Reggionaldo, is the 1.1.1957 6 7985 99 sole funder of the Federal Dog Administration. (2) The evidence New Years Wedding by mail is not definitive either way about the existence of leprechauns.

SAV E THE

DATE

FRANK REGINALDO & CHRYSANTEMUM

Zooey Bechamel Fraulein von Bunsch Veronica Lego Fanny B. Urglar

—A. Cramer and J. Banks

I SAW THAT DOG MOVE

Frank Jr. Having A Snack

— A. Garcia

—C. Jones

Frank’s Hot Weiners 28 Dirtywater Blvd.

(434) 723-9045 frankshotweiners.com

Memo

Date: Jan. 7, 2001 To: Department Heads From: Cheryl Leary, Chief Security Officer, Frank Reginaldo Hot Dog Inc. Subject: Missing Furs I’m writing to address the rumors sizzling through our Frankfurter factory.

Yes, what you’ve been hearing is true. We have noticed a dramatic uptake in pelt disappearances. As you are all aware, if the origin of our furs and signature hot dog flavor were to reach the lily-livered public, it could spell ruin for this corporation. In the spirit of transparency, the higher-ups have permitted me to update you on the investigation and a few of our working theories: 1. “The Do-Gooder”: This individual is the bleeding-heart type. They’ve noticed the abundance of lush furs in storage and illicitly use them to warm the destitute houseless in the sad, sad Lettuce sector. Be on the lookout for Lettuce sympathizers or salacious leaf paraphernalia.

2. “The Good Do-er”: Our suspect may have a special affinity for fur or its origins. Kathy, our mental health coordinator, has advised us to be on the lookout for employees with zoo memberships, pet shop volunteering hours, or frequent sightings in the Red Leaf District.

3. “Big Fur Monster”: Gone are the days of the standard ghillie suit. We’re anticipating its cousin to rear its giant hairy head any day now. The pelage pilferer is likely working with a variety of materials (glue, 26 gauge copper wire, sequins, novelty Frank Bumper Stickers™, etc.) to create a hulking, shaggy monstrosity.

The intended purpose is unknown but certainly nefarious.

As the investigation continues, please refrain from referring to this criminal by their rapidly circulating moniker “The Furgler” as we don’t want to entice them to strike again. If you have any information, please don’t hesitate to reach out, there’s a limited edition Frank bobblehead in it for you.

Sincerely,

Cheryl Cheryl Leary cherylleary@franksweiners.com phone number

— Art by H. Shanefield

—S. Morfin

22

The Yale Record

73 QUESTIONS WITH FANNY 1. What’s your story?

That’s too long to get into, but three words to describe me are “mother”, “philanthropist”, and “icon” in no particular order.

2. Do you want some lemonade?

No. 8. How do you sleep at night?

Three heavy doses of NyQuil and a good lay.

19. What’s in your bun?

I’m cutting down on calories, so I’ve actually scrapped the bun entirely. Frank is a traditionalist, so we have had some disagreements about this one, but at the end of the day he loves me for me and knows my order by heart, “One hot dog, neat.”

27. What do you love about childbirth?

Everything. My doula. Her hands all over me.

33. What inspired this latest look?

I saw it in Dogue as part of last month’s animal rights awareness campaign, which of course does not align with my family’s beliefs, but I stashed it away before Frank’s jockeys could toss it.

39. What’s in your bag?

A fresh cup of relish and 30 tampons. You can never be too prepared.

42. What’s your cheat day snack?

A nice fresh breath of air in the morning on a cold day after I’ve brushed my teeth.

56. Who is your muse?

In a way, my past self and my future self. She was so thoughtful and pure and will become complete once again.

61. Do you love your husband?

Enough.

64. Which son do you expect will inherit the hot dog empire?

No, my daughter will.

68. How did you and Frank meet?

Meat? What about meat? Nothing weird about meat.

69. Which of your children would taste best in hot dog form?

I do not usually condone cannibalism in any way, but Raymond’s got a lot of meat on his bones.

70. Who was your role model growing up?

Rolls, never. I am pro-bun.

72. Do the cows deserve rights?

Well, Raymond, my fat son, certainly doesn’t. But I’m a staunch supporter of animal rights.

73. Wait, what did you just say?

You heard me.

— E. Thulin

TRANSCRIPT: INTERVIEW WITH COUPLE WHO FOUND RING IN HOT DOG INTERVIEWER: So, let’s get right into it. How did this happen?

BRET: Well, we were just sitting down for an ordinary dinner of hot dogs, of course, served à la carte.

SANDRA: I bit gratefully into the dog, overwhelmed by the warm delicious goodness of the frank. All of a sudden, I felt something hard in my mouth. Something collided with my teeth and dropped onto the table. It was a ring! There was a ring in my hot dog!

INTERVIEWER: How did you react when you saw the ring?

SANDRA: Well… I was in shock. But it wasn’t really because of the ring. I thought Bret was proposing!

BRET nervously: To be clear, I wasn’t.

SANDRA glaring at Bret: Right. I was overjoyed. But Bret insisted he wasn’t responsible.

BRET: The ring must have come from the dog. Somehow, in the chaos of Frank’s massive factory, a ring must have fallen into a hot dog vat. Thank god it wasn’t attached to a finger!

She laughs.

INTERVIEWER: That would be horrible.

SANDRA: Yep. It was the best hot dog I ever had.

BRET: Best hot dogs in the world. We love you Frank.

— T. Schiminovich

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily THE CITY, THE STATE

Dog

FRANK REGGIONALDO ON TRIAL

Frank Reggionaldo brought to trial over food quality scandal! Will the hot dog king’s buns become toast? The wiener tycoon, known for his rags to riches success story, has recently faced a series of scandals regarding the allegedly declining quality of his hot sausages. Now, the Federal Dog Administration (FDA) has filed a suit against Reggionaldo. How will he survive this overdue roast?

1

Opinion of the Court Before Reggionaldo, Reggionaldo, and MaRcus, District Judges.

Reggionaldo and Reggionaldo in the majority.

MaRcus dissenting.

We are asked to determine whether a prospective juror’s direct filial descent from a defendant constitutes sufficient interest to bar them from service. We hold that it does not, for several reasons.

28 U.S.C. § 1870 allows the Court complete discretion in its use of the strike for cause: “All challenges for cause or favor, whether to the array or panel or to individual jurors, shall be determined by the court.” After plaintiff used their last peremptory strike on prospective juror Frank Reggionaldo VII, this Court rejected each of plaintiff ’s eleven motions to strike further jurors for cause in a series of 2-1 decisions.

Given our unlimited discretion on this question, there is no need to elaborate on the reasons for these decisions. In the interest of public confidence in the competence and impartiality of this Court, however, we present the following explanation.

Plaintiff presents no evidence besides documents alleging to show familial, financial, and political ties between said prospective jurors and defendant Reggionaldo, as well as public

22-10804

statements made by said prospective jurors to the effect that they would not vote to convict if empanelled, to suggest that they might be improperly influenced by whatever linkages may in fact exist between them and said defendant.

Even granting such a reading of the facts, however, the Court finds it impossible to entertain any substantive doubts about the integrity of these eleven jurors after a first reading of their honest and open faces, to say nothing of the Court’s prior knowledge of these men’s well-attested reputation for honesty and integrity.

We are further asked to determine whether judges who are twin brothers and best friends are enjoined by similar conflict-of-interest rules from considering cases involving their dear and loving father as a defendant. We hold that they are not, and we are the majority.

MaRcus, dissenting: My colleagues present a formidable case which deserves a careful and generous reading.

Still, I worry that this decision presents an uncomfortable precedent on the important judicial principle of conflict of interest, such that we might be well-served by a more detailed elaboration and consideration of the historical origins and philosophical basis of this and related principles. I will thus use the body of this dissent to explore the

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24

The Yale Record

EXPERTS PRAISE NEW CHILD-JUROR LAW Child psychologists, legal scholars, and leading children alike applauded the state legislature’s recent passage of the “Tyke Empowerment Act,” removing the legal prohibition on children under 18 serving on juries and barring adults from jury duty indefinitely.

Erin Moore, professor of child development at the University of Knowledge (Online), explained that by the age of 18, adults enter the courtroom with a variety of preformed cognitive schema, such as theory of mind, object permanence, and causal reasoning, which are likely to affect their decisionmaking. “Children are free of [these] biases because their brains are simply not capable of them. Don’t we deserve to be judged by a jury with no preconceived notions?”

Meanwhile, a number of tall children and small preteens were thrilled by the opportunity to earn fifteen dollars a day to miss school and sit quietly in a chair. Six-year-old Janie Reggionaldo, however, raised the alarm that the courthouse cafeteria provisions were inadequate for her peer group’s needs.

“I wanted plain noodles, but they came with butter. If this doesn’t get fixed soon, the courthouse is looking at an equalprotection violation.”

Legal experts warned that the new statute might contradict standing federal law but reassured the public that the federal age limits would remain locally unenforceable for the time being.

The new law, they say, was passed just in time to apply to Frank Reggionaldo’s upcoming trial, where a number of his K-12 children are likely to be called as jurors.

—A. Golden and L. Burch

MEET THE JURY OF THE F.D.A. V. FRANK REGGIONALDO 1: Frank CIII —At seven and a half years old, Dr. CIII is the youngest tenured professor at Johannes Ketchup University and the 101st son of Frank Reggionaldo.

3: Frank LXXXIV — ­­ Frank LXXXIV is eight years old and the 85th son of Frank Reggionaldo. He is the smallest person to break the hot-dog-eating sound barrier.

5: Frank LXVI — Frank LXVI is 11 years old and the 37th daughter of Frank Reggionaldo.

8: Frank CXIX — Frank CXIX is 0.079 years old and the 107th child of Frank Reggionaldo. She is currently in the NICU, but we are assured she will be released in about seven hours.

9: Frank CXII — Frank CXII is seven years old and the 110th child of Frank Reggionaldo. She is always wearing a dirndl and is a dedicated fan of post-war economic policy.

10: Frank XCII — Frank XCII is six years old and the 90th son of Frank Reggionaldo. He quickly gained favor with his father and as a result, was given permission to change his name to “Ninety.”

11: Jort (Formerly Goert) — Jort, five years old and non-relative of Frank Reggionaldo, is a former style magazine editor.

Not quite sharp enough for the hot-dog business, but certainly the next big thing in fashion.

—B. Soti

BORING MOM WITH BROOD

CUBIST COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST

— S. Morfin

—A. Garcia

COURT STENOGRAPHER’S BLACKOUT POETRY THE TRIAL OF THE FEDERAL DOG ASSOCIATION V. REGGIONALDO FIRST JUDICIAL REGION REGIONAL TRIAL COURT THE CITY, UNITED STATES

Expert rwerwerwerwerwerw witness cow has always eferwerwererwerrwerwerrew … .…. stood firmly by jnkj Mr. Reggionaldo jkdjsrewr jnknjnkjerwedddkd but fsjndfjnsdkfnsdjssdjnfkskdjf insinuated klklkrnjjnnkjnkjbkjblew Frank skndfksdsdfjsdnfkjsd...-nfslfkdssd may be sjaksdnmmmkasnfskjdfnskdjfnsksjd obtaining daskdnk mlknlklknlknl meat k f f nfndsfnklsdfsndkfjnsdfnsdkjfsdsdkfjksn from sources sdffdkdf dnjgfk jgf that fjnwejfsjnkej are nrjwenrkwjsdnfksjdfnksjdfejnrkwej not bsfjksdbjfksdfjsbdfkjjfsn jdks fnjdnf kdsj nskdj nsjdkfn kns dflksdnfl skdfnlskjbfks jdfn ksjdf sd fnsjknfksd jfn real cows.ffdsdfsdfdfdfsdfsdfdffff — D. Lilly

Snfkjsdnkfjn He nskdsjdnfksdjnfjfnkPeople is sndnfdjfnddfkj a fjsdnfksjdfnskdare so fixated on the intricacies of the meats that constitute my family’s hot-dog enterprise. I do, however, wish we could jmdnfjdfnskdfnsdkjdk man n k of sndkfjns dkfnjsf many jdfd fnsd fsdfdkdraw more attention to the, well, actual human beings whose lives haveand been tragically cut short.” jfnk wives fjsndfkjndkfsdnfjsndjdnfdkf dsfdfsdfsdfdsd nskjdnfk sdjfn jsdfnsk dfjn skdjn sk some fsndfj sdnf ksjdn fksdjn of them jsdjfskdjfbsk“Mein Name ist Fraulein von Bunsch! Entschuldigen Sie THE CITY, THE STATE bitte, wo bin ich?!! hat mich hierher dieses djsdfdsfdfb dfdf were d fd f dfd f f beautiful fdf dWerfdf d and fdin df dffleischbeone sessene englische Land gebracht?

Ich kenne diesen Mann nicht, HIGHLIGHTS df MID-TRIAL df df fd dd d d d d f d df was d df d d fd f df df d f very young. dFd D d der behauptet, er sei mein Ex-Mann!

Ich hatte nur eine Liebe, FROM THE COURTROOM

NEWS AND HOT GOSSIP, DOGGY STYLE, SINCE 1918

Daily

Dog

We caught up with several individuals involved in the dramatic Reggionaldo trial after day one to hear their thoughts on the ongoing proceedings against the hot dog hotshot. Here’s what they had to say:

und das war der einfache Amerikaner Franc Reggionaldo vom Werlaburgdörf Summer Camp, mit dem ich per Brieftaube korrespondierte. Ich weiß nicht, welche böse Macht mich in dieses Land gebracht hat, in dem jeder die „Hot Dog“-Weinwurst verehrt, aber bitte bringen Sie mich bald zurück in meine Heimat Deutschland!!!!!”

secrets or anything like that. This trial is a sham.”

Summer Camp, with whom I corresponded by carrier pigeon.

I do not know what evil force brought me to this country where everyone worships the “hot dog” wiener sausage, but please take me back to my homeland Germany soon!!!!! —D. Lilly

/ / / / // / / His / / // / / / // / / / // / / // / / / // / / / / closest / / // / / / / / / / confidant / / / / / / // / / / // / / // / / / // / / is // / / / // / / // a / // / / // / / // / // / / / / / / I//heard / / dozens // / / of//mysnake / // / / // / / // / / // It / / // / / / /// / /// / / / // / / / Frank// IX:“Look, younger// half-siblings get up on that spill/complete / isstand / / //and/ /just/ // / // theand/ /utter // /lies. / /Father // / / / / / /Translation: / / / / // /My / /name // / /is // widest / // / / // / Fraulein von Bunsch! Excuse me Frank pulled us out of school after the first grade to go straight to please, I?!!dk Whothe transported me here to thisdf meat/ // / /that’s // /.dds.. / snake / are d.dborn. fdfAnd df d in dfkwhere dkfam dkf mdf dm d dm the factory/because where real/ Reggionaldos obsessed English country? I do not know this man who claims my dad never let little Franks LVI through XCIV leave because m world dfd kfmdlk fmdklf mdldfkmd dlex-husband! kmfdlkfm dlkm dlonekflove, mdl he is.my I have only had andkmthat was he knew the outside world would corrupt their budding young simple American man Franc Reggionaldo from Werlaburgdörf minds, notdlfkmdlf because he feared them spilling deep dark family kmdlfk mdlfkmdlkf dmlkfdmflkdmfkdflfldk but not longest. ,.,., Frank CXXVI:“Well, it is rather disconcerting to witness trial participants brush aside several suspicious accusations of murder. This has truly been one of the more peculiar experiences of my modest three and a half years on this tumultuous planet.

–D. Lilly

26

The Yale Record

INTERVIEW WITH FRANK LXVII, ATTORNEY FOR THE DEFENSE

PROSECUTOR: Mrs. Urglar, what is the evidence you speak of?

FANNY: I have an archive of the pelts of the animals that Stacy: Your client has been charged with twelve felonies, constitute Frank’s so-called all-beef wieners. including six counts of food safety code violation, and one count of FRANK: Impossible! murder food tampering conspiracy. A number of items including DEFENSE: Frank, stop talking. a press badge, engagement ring, pen, gun, and even weird vegan FRANK: You couldn’t have access to those unless — sausage have been found in Frank’s Hot Wieners all across the DEFENSE: Frank, quiet! country.

FRANK: Unless you were the — Frank LXVII, 65th child of Frank Reggionaldo: A great writer FANNY: The Furglar, yes, Frank. once said, “The best hot dogs have things that are not hot dogs Commotion from the jury and the gallery. inside of them.” That great writer was my father, and he learned PROSECUTOR: The Furglar? that from his father’s father, who heard it from a great man, and FRANK: The fur-burgling menace, more like. now you’re hearing it from me. It seems to me that more and more DEFENSE: Shove a wiener in it, Frank! we’ve come to expect more and more of each other and less and FRANK: Oh shut up, LXVII. less of those others we should be expecting more from. This is true, PROSECUTOR: I ask again: The Furglar? and you know it. I know it. We all know it. That’s how I ended up FANNY: Yes. For the last 27 years, I, Fanny B. Urglar, have here today, because I knew things and my father knew things like gathered the pelts of the animals being ground into wieners at his father before me. He said to me, “Son, here’s how it’s gonna my husband’s factories. happen. You’re gonna rise up in this city. You’re gonna be big one JURY: Booo! Wiener hater! day, and I know this because I’m a father, and my father before me FANNY: I believe it speaks to the internal disorder of Frank’s Hot was a father.” Now I’m a father, and I’m saying this to you.

Wieners that despite working directly under their noses, no one Decisions are made by those who have the power to make in the company discovered my sausage scheme. decisions. In this situation, the tykes have the power. They can DEFENSE: Objection! find my client guilty, or not guilty. It’s entirely up to them. If you’re FRANK: Withdrawn. looking for someone to defend democracy, I’m not that guy. There PROSECUTOR: That’s not how this works! Do you even are countries other than ours where they don’t do anything. I don’t understand what’s happening right now? wanna end up just sitting around like those guys. Listen, if my client FRANK: All I need to know is that the sixth love of my life is was guilty, he’d be found guilty. But he isn’t, so he wasn’t. I’m betraying me as we speak. running out of time now, so I’ll leave you with this: that horseradish FANNY: Please, you could never love anyone more than that won’t jump a fence. And I’m serious about that. Serious as a brick. damn snake.

FRANK: Don’t you dare talk about Frank Jr.! He’s the only real —N. Stack son I have.

DEFENSE: Hey! COURTROOM TRANSCRIPT JUDGE: We will now adjourn, so the jury can deliberate.

Some time later. The jury reenters the courtroom.

Excerpt from court transcripts, day two of the FDA v. Frank RegJUDGE: Jury, what is your verdict? gionaldo.

JURY FOREMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant innocent on PROSECUTOR: I call to the stand surprise witness … Fanny all counts.

B. Urglar! Mrs. Urglar will present evidence that Mr. A commotion in the gallery.

Reggionaldo has violated the FDA’s health policies.

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, I must object to this — Murmuring from the courtroom. Frank gasps. Fanny enters and takes JUDGE: Your objection is noted and dismissed. the stand.

PROSECUTOR: But — FRANK: Fanny! How could you! I’ve loved you for 27 years.

JUDGE: No buts! No buns! And no more interruptions! The FANNY: And I’ve been playing you like your hot dog flute for jury has found Mr. Reggionaldo to be innocent, and this Court all 27. (to PROSECUTOR) I have evidence that Frank’s will abide by their verdict. Frank’s Hot Wieners are beloved wieners contain the meat of the world’s third most endangered worldwide, and I will not deprive the world of his dogs. After animal. all, our buns will always need filling. Trial adjourned.

JURY: Third most endangered? Come back when it’s the first End excerpt. most endangered! We don’t care about animals unless they’re dogs, and they’re hot!

—S. Lee

To my confidant Frank Junior, You were good to me. You never let me down, my boy. I’ve had many a woman and many a man, but never did I love one as I did you. Thank you for all that you’ve given me. I would follow you wherever you might lead me.

Before I knew he was my father, a man left me his fortune, changing my life for better or for worse. I’ll let the good Lord be the judge of that. Now, I leave my entire fortune to you, the only ear to my worries. Do with it what you will. Give it away, or let it corrupt you if you’d like. Whatever you do, don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Xxx, Frank Reggionaldo Sr. —L. Conklin

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