Yale's 50 Best Personalities

APRIL

THE ONLY PARODY OF THE ONLY MAGAZINE ABOUT STUFF AT YALE AT YALE

YALE’S

50 BEST PERSONALITIES

VOL 143 NUMBER 7

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The Only Parody of the Only Magazine About Stuff at Yale at Yale.

NOW 3

THE BIG THREE

Aaron Gertler Nick Goel Scott Stern

KIDZ BOP 14 E-BOARD

Ethan Campbell-Taylor Ben Garfinkel Ian Gonzalez Sasha Rae-Grant Sahil Gupta Daniel Hoogstraten Madeline Kaplan Rachel Lackner Mitchell Nobel Ben Rudeen Chris Rudeen Sam Savitz Zach Schloss Natalie Warren

30 FAST 30 FURIOUS STAFF

Graham Ambrose Brian Beitler Louisa Cone Amanda Corcoran Valcy Etienne Max Goldberg Chasan Hall Mikayla Harris Mitchell Harris Victoria Kim Archie Kinnane Joseph Kuperschmidt Doo Lee Roger Lopez Annelisa Leinbach Alison Mansfield Tom McCoy Andrew Megerian Elizabeth Miles Isaac Morrier Alex Ringlein Jonathan Rutter Natalya Sanghvi Harrison Schneider Justin Shi Sarah Sukin Teddy Thum Lining Wang Madeleine Witt Alex Zhang

<3

SPECIAL THANKS

to the staff of Kiko Milano, for all the free stuff, and to the staff of the Rumpus, for understanding.

All contents copyright 2015 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to highfive the UOFC for its financial support.

The Record ’s View After four years of reading the Rumpus 50 Most, I felt The Record had no choice but to intercede. I mean, how can they not have found the perfect ratio of pictures of abs to pictures of not abs after all this time? It feels like, the way they’ve been doing it, it’s either all or none. On the one hand, I feel bad about myself! On the other hand, I miss their abby goodness.

Go for the middle-ground, Rumpy. It’s not that hard. Jeez.

But I figured we at The Record could do more than show off our six-packs to the world. We could drink them ourselves (ahhh—got you!) and then cover up our abdominal muscles (got ya again!) and then write a parody magazine that rewards what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside!

So we are proud to present the 50 Best Personalities at Yale. Ranging from the guy who stands next to you at the urinal to the guy who shaves you in the morning to …Dad?, these profiles will help open your eyes to the single best people in the world. Or at Yale. Whatever.

• • •

according to U.S. News and World Report Had to breathe and/or blink Had to be at once a tradition, a company of scholars, a society of friends, and not a dick No third nipples. Seriously

In the interest of openness and filling For those of you who get through this space, below I list our criteria. The people entire issue, you may notice the secret with the best personalities at Yale: code hidden between the lines. This code • Had to attend the number 3 ranked is the recipe for the antidote. Good luck.

American research university,

Please love me, Scott “Eric? Oh er... sorry” Stern Editor-in-Chief

THE NEXT 5000:

THOSE WHO JUUUST MISSED IT

APRIL 2014

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RUMORS, TRUTHS WE COULDN’T PROVE, AND OTHER ALLEGATIONS Which two people are having sex?

Frats are known for being unsafe. But this Yale frat gave everyone a chainsaw before its last party.

Chainsaws don’t kill people. Their jagged metal teeth kill children.

Which ROTC member YCC President in Saybrook had a bagel today? It had a nice round hole in it; interpret as you will.

America.

RONNELL HIGGINS

most personable

EMAIL SPAMMER

Which really wealthy white man is currently attending a Goldman Sachs interview? Hint: he went to suburban “public” school and is taking Econ this semester.

Who’s a good boy?

Who’s a good boy?

You are! Oooooh, such a good boy.

This varsity sports team kicks around a ball until it goes in a net.

All of the players have penises and they enjoy wearing shoes and stuff.

Which fuckin’ pledge is about to pound this keg?!

Which university art gallery hosts a nightly orgy? If you find out, go join the fun and find some Vincent Van Ho’s and Pablo Piccastuds and Leonardo DaVincisexisgreats.

Word on the street is that the Greek economy is still fucked up.

percent or more on car insurance?

Which Dean of Morse College is always here to talk if you’re feeling stressed?

Which person in my suite had a birthday yesterday and is super sexy but sad that everyone forgot and now just wants a hug?

Or a pickup fuck?

Come join the Record at our weekly meetings in LC 209 at 9pm on Mondays!

Guess which company could save you 15

To the Yale Community: I write to let you know that an extremely handsome man is currently serving as the Chief of Yale Police in the area around 101 Ashmun Street at approximately all of the time. This man was last seen running down Prospect Street in pursuit of a criminal, though the real crime is how good this man looks when he runs. This man is still at large (if you know what I mean).

Please be particularly alert this evening as this man is sporting a new handsome bright yellow vest. If you have any information about a lady this man could date, say a supermodel or a dancer, contact Yale Police at 203-432-4400 or text your number to 67283. Your text or call is completely anonymous.

That’s how he likes it.

As a general reminder, it is important to recognize how good he looks in these dark colored pants at all times, especially when he walks or jogs. He always walks or jogs with others in well-populated and well-lit areas so that it is apparent how good he looks. And also because it’s safe or something. It is also a good idea to note that he always respects people and will call back, he promises. It won’t be like last time. It was all Sheila’s fault, so don’t listen to her. Make use of security services, including shuttle services and door-to-door rides at night, by calling 203-432-9255. All shuttles lead directly to his home. The Yale Police also provide many other services. To inquire, leave a picture of yourself in the bushes next to the police station.

To report a crime, such as an attractive lady not getting the love she deserves, call the Yale Police at any time and ask for the Chief of Police. Please indicate the attractiveness of the lady so that he knows how much of an emergency it is.

Ah, who am I kidding? No one will read this. I’m so lonely.

Sincerely, Ronnell A. Higgins, Chief of Police

– C. RUDEEN

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When this Record reporter sat down with Tommy Jinping, it was a cool, smoggy evening that Tommy said reminded him of

the weather back home in downtown Beijing.

Tommy, with a dark, tousled mop of hair and piercing brown eyes, is an international

Before meeting with Scott Stern’s YD“N” Caricature (BR ’15), we expected him to be flat, given that he’s a picture in a newspaper.

But when we picked him up off the floor of Bass Café, we found him surprisingly threedimensional. He had a smile that could curdle milk and two dots that could have been his eyes, if we squinted hard enough.

But his eternally rumpled collar and lack of a body really put us at ease. We were ready to hear his “Stern Perspective.”

Scott is from Pittsburgh, but seems to have mixed feelings about the Steel City.

When we asked him about his hometown, he told us, “I don’t know where I came from or where I am. I don’t even know how I gained sentience. I’m trapped here, and I’m suffocating, please help me.” We chuckled at the quaintness of his Allegheny accent, and he responded, “Why are you laughing at me?

student who began his freshman year last fall.

When applying to colleges, Tommy, who hails from the Fangshan district, revealed he was looking for a school with diverse, challenging courses that would truly push him out of his comfort zone.

When asked about his favorite course last semester, Tommy immediately a n s w e r e d Elementary Modern Chinese I. “There’s nothing quite like it,” he said. “It really brought me back to my roots.”

mocking me? Don’t you think I know how I look? I’m grotesque.

I’m a monster. I’m constantly in pain.

The derisive laughter of those who see me only adds to my pain. I understand now that the Minotaur was lucky, locked away where no eyes could see it. I bet it was happy to be put out of its misery.” Nothing is sexier than a man who reads the classics.

Hoping to plan most personable our seduction COLUMNIST of his beautiful, sketched-out Can’t you understand face, we asked Scott me? I’m a prisoner in about his ideal mate. here, dammit!”

We expected him to Scott was modest describe a foxy social when asked about justice crusader like female Yalies’ opinion himself, but his answer of him: “Are you surprised us. “How I

SCOTT STERN’S YDN CARICATURE

Tommy proved It was his mother, remarkably adept back in Fangshan, at mastering the and they began a loud complexities of the conversation in fluid Mandarin alphabet Mandarin. and picking up the “Sorry about that,” notoriously To m m y tricky tonal said a few differences. minutes He was also later, after a stand-out a hasty, most personable in his in“zai jian.”

NATIVE SPEAKER IN L1 CHINESE “Where was I? Oh, class participation. right, it’s a tough class “Yeah, I was sort sometimes.” of worried about how Tommy is someone hard Chinese might who cares a great deal be,” Tommy remarked, about his academics. removing a heavy “When I was in high textbook from his school, I thought my backpack. “I heard it GPA was the most was one of Yale’s more important thing in the challenging courses. world,” he said. “Now But I think I’m doing I’m in college, I know pretty well.” Just then, it is.”

Tommy’s phone rang, Tommy’s love for and he picked it up. learning has motivated

TOMMY JINPING

wish I could escape to the real world,” he said, “How pleasant it would be to smell everything there is to smell, to feel everything there is to feel. How wonderful it must be to have hands!

Oh, what I would give to feel anything other than this constant, horrendous pain.”

Of course, Scott is best known for his weekly appearances in the YD“N”. We asked him for juicy details about the YD“N” office. He did not disappoint. “Why do you keep putting air quotes around the ‘N’ in ‘YDN?’” he intimated, “What kind of pretentious numbskull are you?”

But Scott’s sexiest response came when

him to take Chinese II next semester, for an additional 1.5 credits.

The syllabus indicates that the course is far more comprehensive, but Tommy is optimistic. “I have a really good feeling about L2,” he said.

“And, you know, just because I’m good at speaking Chinese, that doesn’t mean I’m good at writing Chinese.

Although I also happen to be really good at writing Chinese.”

– S. GUPTA

we asked him about his You’re a maniac! passion for American You’re all maniacs! I Studies: “Why aren’t hope you burn.” you helping me? Can’t you see this is torture?

– S. SAVITZ

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org Remember your high school prom?

Homecoming?

Graduation? Caroline Applesday ES ’16 sure does: She planned them all and has already formed an organizing committee for every high school reunion through 2094. Above her bedroom door in Vanderbilt Hall, passersby can see the accolades she’s most proud of: the certificates from her graduating class, who elected her “Most Likely to Succeed,” “Most Friendly,” and “Most Most,” which she reads as highest praise.

Caroline, who has not slept since she was seven, is modest about her extracurricular achievements. Unlike most others in her

shoes, she waits a full five minutes before informing her listener that she was valedictorian, first chair violin in the county orchestra, and founder of the Save the

Some say his handsomeness is ineffable. Others say his ineffability makes him handsome. All this Record reporter knows is that this morning, as every morning, he had the pleasure to meet

That Guy Who Shaves Me in the Morning.

He sometimes goes

by The Dude with My Social Security Number – or if he’s feeling plucky – Your Screw Date’s Screw Date, but this morning His

CAROLINE APPLESDAY

most personable

EX-VALEDICTORIAN

Whales International organization, the only nonprofit of its kind in her home state of Arkansas.

“Sometimes it can be really hard being so successful,” Caroline told The Record at one of hundreds of five-minute coffee meetings she schedules every week.

“But I know that below the veneer of crippling

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incompetence, people here really love me.”

Caroline’s hardest challenge in her brief stint at Yale has been detaching from the high school world she left behind. She constantly checks in with the “inferiors” she affectionately calls her posse back home, micromanaging every aspect of the town she once almost led. In 2013, the young aspirant barely lost in her town’s mayoral election on a “ridiculous minor technicality from the Middle Ages that you have to be over twenty-five to run.”

But Caroline isn’t just the self-made woman that her email signature insists that she is. She’s the reflection of a network of friends

devoted to her success as much as her own wild ambitions can allow.

The Record tracked her close friends: Karla, the lunchlady who offers an encouraging eye roll every blue-moon she eats a true Yale meal; the private janitor she’s hired to sanitize the plebeians that breathe near her; and Pete Salovey, whom Caroline has on speeddial and who refused “for the love of Jesus H. Christ” to interview for this profile “lest that batshit crazy freshman gets any more attention than she goddamn deserves.”

And make no mistake: Caroline’s got plenty of confidence in her ability to transfer her successes to The Have.

“Oh, I’m not worried

about the competition “I mean, salutatorians here,” she said while don’t just break their filling a syringe with own kneecaps.” espresso and giggling at a YDN article on – G. AMBROSE the twenty missing Presidential Scholars in the freshman class.

Handsomeness had his attention directed only to Yours Truly.

This reporter was getting a shave from him before heading to class. His morning breath carried the scent of newlysown wild oats and his soothing voice was like honey over the ears. As That Guy deftly carved the razor blade through the vanilla white foam, weaving his modern machete through the foliage, he left this reporter with baby-smooth skin.

Baby-smooth as in dead-baby-smooth, as in bloody nicks and cuts on this reporter’s neck, sideburns, and upperlip. But this reporter

was not alarmed. His handsomeness was more than enough to divert anyone’s attention. Frankly, when staring in the mirror it’s hard not to fall for him.

egoistic, self-absorbed modern-day Patrick Bateman. This reporter believes that everyone is entitled to her own incorrect opinion. All those troglodytic haters

The sad truth is there’s only one of him to go around.

Sorry ladies and gents.

Beware though, if you get too close to him your body will alert you by bowing reflexively in admiration.

That happened to this reporter most personable the first time he HIM looked in the can go trogle their dytes mirror, but ever since, because they have no he’s gotten comfortable clue who they’ve just hanging around That insulted. That Guy is the Guy Who Shaves Me Most Handsome Man in the Morning. After in every major country all, one has to savor it across the world, and while it lasts, because Norway. To put that in yes, this reporter dreads perspective, if you laid the thought of shaving 256 George Clooney’s himself once James end to end, they’d still Franco graduates. be less handsome than him.

– S. GUPTA

THAT GUY WHO SHAVES ME IN THE MORNING When he’s not eating this reporter’s meals, thinking this reporter’s thoughts, or sleeping with this reporter’s girlfriend, That Guy Who Shaves Me in the Morning is usually working out at Payne Whitney, studying in Bass, or working in the Stacks. Some say That Guy is a narcissistic,

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We sit down across from Jasmine Ray ’16, Yale’s 51st-mostattractive person, and we aren’t quite blown away.

She’s a pretty girl, no doubt, and like all the other people in this issue, she makes this Record writer feel uncomfortable in his own blotchy skin.

But she’s far from perfect. Her teeth aren’t completely straight, and as far as we can tell, her left eye is just a little bit bigger than her right eye.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?

Is there something in my eye?”

Jasmine’s response is charmingly un-selfconscious, though it might also be a sign that she doesn’t spend enough time thinking critically about her own appearance. We’ll give

her the benefit of the got it going on! Heh. doubt!

Anyway, weren’t we Our first question: going to talk about my Does Jasmine regret hobbies or something?” not being chosen for 50 Oh, right! Hobbies.

Most? After all, she was One of the most so close! On the other common hobbies listed hand, the competition by 50 Most members is kind of a crapshoot; is “manicures.” How f r a n k l y, often does this Record Jasmine get writer might one of those? have chosen most personable One of her Jasmine over fingernails ATTRACTIVE #45 (“Most PERSON AT YALE is chipped, WHO SADLY Attractive so probably DIDN’T MAKE Residential not as often 50 MOST C o l l e g e as #9 (“Most Mascot”) or #48 (“Most Attractive Hands”).

Attractive Professional Actually, thinking Super Smash Brothers about fingernails Player). makes this Record She tries to laugh off writer wonder whether the question, but we there might be a can tell from her body correlation between language that she’s not “amount of time satisfied, because we spent primping” and took Intro Psych with “position within Yale’s Marvin Chun. “I mean, hierarchy of physical how am I supposed to attractiveness.” If only compete with the Morse we hadn’t dropped Walrus? He – she? – has Statistics 238! Or knew

what a correlation was!

Jasmine seems concerned with this line of inquiry: “Maybe we could stop talking about my body and move on to something else?”

Interesting.

Are fingernails part of the body, considering that they’re technically dead cells and can be clipped off without harm? Were he a real journalist, this Record writer would investigate the question immediately.

But instead, he is stuck talking to this “Jasmine” person about her interests. She’s not even wearing a lowcut shirt. Why did he take this job in the first place?

And… oh, right, the interview. What’s Jasmine’s favorite class or whatever?

“Well, I’ve always liked chemical engineering, but after

CS 323, I think I may try to start my own software company, so that’s been very influential. I mean, designing an operating system was so cool!”

We spoke with Jasmine for another 25 minutes, but as you can tell from the answer above, she’s not a very interesting person, and nothing

else she said was even worth writing down.

Next year, this Record writer is totally going to interview #30 instead (“Most Attractive School of Architecture Librarian”).

Few people have the opportunity to have a handshake with someone’s ass three times a day, but That Chair from WLH 104 is not your average person. In fact he’s not a person at all, even though he insists that others call him ‘Chad.’

That Chair from WLH 104 (‘Chad’ hereafter), has been attending Yale since 1927 and hasn’t

blinked an eye since. Or moved at all. With the stalwart face of a soldier and the emotional expressiveness of a Botox patient, Chad upholds his duty to support this nation’s next class of leaders and their fat asses.

This Record reporter can’t help but be charmed by this mahogany masterpiece who serves his

When asked more about his line of work, Chad shifted to Morse code with his squeaks and creaks, and began to describe the students that sit on him. This reporter most personable could make out a PIECE OF FURNITURE few phrases – “dumb without saying a word. as a doorknob,” “not Like custodial or even the fastest hamsters in administrative work, the running wheel,” getting asses handed to “as sharp as Marichal him is a thankless job, Gentry’s glistening so this reporter decided head,” “a few leches to ask Chad what he short of a tres leches thought of his users. cake.” “<Squeak> <creak>, When this handsome <creak> <squeak>,” he piece of timber isn’t said, “<creak> <creak> bearing the weight <squeak>.”

This of EP&E students, reporter couldn’t agree he’s usually having more.

EP&E students carve

things into him. Words of wisdom like, “J. Montague Summers III was here,” “dick dick balls balls,” and “hahahaha first.” One student chose to reveal her creative side, engraving minimalist male genitalia in the style of Picasso upon Chad’s back.

Chad usually doesn’t mind sporting wood, but he found this engraving particularly embarrassing. Besides the physical pain of being cut open, the humiliation of being carved with a pencil – a wood derivative much like himself – was too much to bear. He’s

since recovered, but the living memory of that scar haunts him every day.

Chad, above all, has your back. Like that chair in WLH 105. And also like that chair in WLH 103. But Chad is one-of-a-kind, shaped and defaced by the unique students he meets every day.

Chad proves there is no one Yale experience, because Yale is in every one of us. “The students? They’re not just a bunch of dicks,” he said. “Although I do have several of those etched into my side.”

JASMINE RAY

community day in and day out. Confronting assholes isn’t easy work, but Chad endures

THAT CHAIR FROM WLH 104

– A. GERTLER

– S. GUPTA

APRIL 2014

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When this reporter was charged with finding the most personable marriage material, he knew just where to look: the decrepit, morally

ambiguous, lintcovered 10th circle of hell: a place known only as the laundry room. In the depths of the laundry room he searched, finding only

Hello Kitty undies, Harvard sweaters and Poopetrator paraphernalia, until he was blinded by the glory of a black sock with Patrick from

When this Record reporter heard that Lily Sommer DC ’17 had never let meat inside of her body, he wasn’t sure if he should waste his “Can I interview you for a piece?” pickup line on her. But boy, is he glad that he did.

Even though this reporter had never met her-bivore, sparks flew from the introductory handshake (after she made sure the hands hadn’t been in contact with animal products in the last 72 hours, of course!). As a vegan, Lily is naturally a big fan of most dried fruits— this reporter sure hopes that includes dates!

What makes Sommer so amazing is that her veganism didn’t just

help out her health— Lily apart is the fact look at that waist!—it that somehow, her diet also, miraculously, affected the decisionimbued her with a making part of her brain stunning ability to and made it so strong critique other people’s she’s able to make life decisions and decisions for other give unwanted and people!” said Anita unsolicited James ’17, ad v ic e! a friend of Bazinga, Sommer. “I it’s getting think it’s the most personable steamier left side of PREACHY VEGAN than Lily’s the brain— kitchen after she makes no, right. I’m not sure. her famous “vaped Lily probably knows.” veggies”! (If this Record Although it reporter weren’t trying started with just to be a classy gentleman r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s to prove himself worthy about the merits of of Lily’s affection, he soy milk or the perks might say something of edamame, friends about how he hopes confirm that within a “nuts” and “cream” will few months, Sommer’s relate to her veganism brain, bolstered by her right about here! Also vegan diet, had grown testicles and semen.) so strong that she “What really sets was even able to give

LILY SOMMER

Spongebob sewn on.

He still can’t see and it’s honestly a horrible situation.

When The Record first met Patrick sock, he really knocked our socks off with his new threads and fresh design.

However, his true strength of personality lies in his extracurricular involvement: Just as he can stretch to fit any foot size, Patrick can easily stretch himself across several clubs. He plays the viola about as well as anyone can play the viola, and participates in almost every intramural sport (except the water-based ones). “Whenever I see water I just get this feeling like I’m shrinking,” he told us. unasked-for advice on things having nothing to do with food!

“Oh yeah, now Lily never lets it rest about my bacon breakfast. Or my choice in women, or the cleanliness of my room, or my fantasy cricket draft picks,” said classmate John Jacobs ’17.

Males, if you’re in the market for a mate, make sure you’re in an organic, vegetarian Farmer’s Market, and you’ll have a shot with this catch. Better hurry up though; although this reporter’s advances were rejected three times, he’s taking a leaf out of celery’s book and has decided to stalk her.

– A. KINNANE

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What a sensitive guy! that sort of thing if I had You may be a brain.” wondering, “How can Fortunately for all the one sock do so many ladies looking to settle things?” or down and “There can’t have some be enough half-sockhours in half-human most personable the day!” children, MARRIAGE or “Can Patrick sock MATERIAL we have has not met sexy time now?” If “the one” just yet. so, Patrick sock has “I’m not sure I some answers for you. understand your “I don’t actually have question.” Patrick sock a brain, you see,” he told this reporter. “I explained. “So I don’t don’t really believe in have to take any classes. ‘the one,’ ‘soul mates,’ That’s why I have so or anything like that. much time. And I mean, It’s not like somewhere if I had a brain I’d have out there there’s a to worry about all the partner sock for me, and deep questions, like we have always been how I exist. Or, which destined to be together. god is the one true god, That’s absurd.”

Fruit of the Loom or Hanes or Allah? I bet – A. RINGLEIN I’d have to worry about

PATRICK SOCK

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Dash dot dot. Dot dash. Dash dash. Dash dot. Or, as we at The Record say in English, DAMN. While we were initially thrown off by the walrus skeleton’s protruding vertebrae, contorted digits, bulging ribcage, and unironic use of Morse code, we quickly realized that this disgusting carcass was at one point in time a bangin’, blubbery beast, one we’d want to lick from fin to tail like BBQ ribs at an Outback Steakhouse. And when he called us and requested an interview at 3:00 AM on the pagan holiday Krampusnacht, we knew he was into some intense shit.

“Who is Chris Argyris? Shouldn’t you have looked that up on Wikipedia?” asks Peter Salovey, the only Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology on Yale’s faculty.

He seems confused as we lounge – some would say “cuddle,” if we weren’t five feet apart – on Salovey’s favorite couch, which was built specially for Theodore

yalerecord.org The walrus skeleton, or Maddox Jolie-Pitt MC ’16, as he’d prefer to be called, was brought to Yale as part of the Peabody’s Vertebrate Zoology collection, but as soon as he heard that Morse was looking for a lifeless representation of their mascot, he decided

goers.” After seventeen court cases and countless complaints, the museum curators sent him, as “punishment,” to be hung indefinitely in the Morse dining hall.

If you were as lucky as this interviewer to have spoken to Maddox during the wee hours of Krampusnacht, the one time of year when the German incubus Krampus briefly restores most personable Maddox’s ability to RESIDENTIAL move, you’d know that COLLEGE MASCOT Maddox was basically the Oprah of the Pacific that only his eleven- Ocean. He hosted a daily inch tusks (size matters) talk show that helped would do. To ensure he’d millions of marine be chosen for the job, he mammals come to terms started to “whisper racial with their complex slurs to passing museum- emotions, and he once

MADDOX JOLIE-PITT

Dwight Woolsey in the year 1865.

T.D. Woolsey was once the smokinghot (and personable) President of Yale University. His statue now sits on Old Campus.

Like Salovey, the statue has brass balls, and feet we’d love to massage while wearing a silk negligee.

But during Woolsey’s time, psychology hadn’t

yet been invented. So how did Salovey, the psychology professor, get his couch? (And how can we, The Record’s luckiest writer, spend more time on that couch with this hunky, bespectacled professor?)

“I’m the President now,” explains Salovey, with a look of mild, fatherly concern that gives this Record writer some serious shivers in her erogenous zones. “I run the entire university.

You’re sitting in the Office of the President in Woodbridge Hall.”

For a Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology, Salovey is an adorably modest man, who prefers to focus on his administrative duties rather than his position at the top of the “Maslow Pyramid” that is Yale’s psychological pecking order. We’d love to be

gave out a hundred 2003 Pontiac Sunfires to an entire audience of seals just for being sad and poor. Like Oprah, he also assisted in the 2008 election of Barack Obama by “pushing over one thousand ‘Yes We Can’ pamphlets onto the shores of Washington State.” And who could forget his cameo in The Color Purple?

In the waning minutes of Krampusnacht’s darkness, just before he needed to return to his glass case, Maddox was able to share one last message to the students of Yale. In a husky voice that made us wetter than his homeland, he said, “Peace, love, and

understanding.

That’s all you need.” Simple, poignant, and sexy – spoken like the true aquatic guru he is. “Also sex,” he added, as he swam through the air, back once more to his transparent prison.

Don’t let Maddox’s nauseating remains prevent you from seeing how badass of a walrus he is. He’s one bag of bones we’d like to bang,

and very well might next Krampusnacht. When it comes to skeletal icons of residential college mascots, Maddox is top dog – that is, until someone skins a gnome and frames him on the wall of Dport.

the hen to your rooster, Professor of Psychology.

Professor Salovey!

Does Salovey ever feel Kindness and jealous of Paul Bloom, who, though he is not a Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology, has written several most personable bestselling books and is CHRIS ARGYRIS featured in Yale’s series PROFESSOR of online psychology OF PSYCHOLOGY lectures?

“I’m not sure personability positively I understand the ooze from Salovey as he question,” Salovey tries to help The Record replies, biting his lower with our interview. “We lip and giving this only have 15 minutes. Record reporter hot Did you want to ask me flashes, like, 30 years about budget cuts? Or before menopause. something about the Yale “Paul and I are good Police Department?” friends, but we serve This writer had plenty very different roles in of other ideas for what to the Yale community. do with her 15 minutes, Because I am the and coincidentally, most President.” of them would have The sultry tones in gotten her arrested. But which he delivers this she stuck to her guns and non-answer makes us kept asking about the want to be wearing nonheavy responsibilities pants, but we hold strong which must be borne for another question: by any Chris Argyris Has practically founding

the field of emotional intelligence helped this Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology become a more talented lover? “…whoops, looks like time is up! So sorry,” Salovey says, somehow managing to shove us out the door without touching us even once. It was the shortest interview of our lives, but as Einstein once said: “Put your hand on a hot stove, and a minute feels like an hour. Sit with a pretty Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” And Peter Salovey is the most relatively personable academic this Record writer has ever laid eyes on in reality, or made out with in her fondest dreams.

PETER SALOVEY

– J. KUPERSCHMIDT

– A. GERTLER

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org

It is midday as a strange and numbing darkness descends on Cross Campus, as if the sun itself were consumed by a cosmic serpent. Mary Miller, Sterling Professor of History of Art, has assumed her final form of a winged serpent and will soon bring about the twilight of all life on earth. This beautiful Quetzalcoatal-like humanoid has been wowing students and single young demigods for generations. The Yale Record decided to try and get an interview.

Miller: She does not respond in any human language but rather roars in a voice like a thousand children crying bloody murder.

Her coat of silky smooth feathers seems to glisten in the light from the geysers of flame that begin to erupt from the ground.

tail around the central tower of SSS and begins to call down translucent purple lightning which leaves behind holes in the very fabric of space and time wherever it strikes. I run up seven flights of stairs and shout out an open window to continue our conversation.

Record: “What’s Record: “Do you it like returning to have any beauty tips teaching full time after for those of us trying serving as the dean of to keep our reptilian Yale College?” coats nice and spiffy?”

Miller: The strange Miller: A soft rain reptilian head turns and of human blood begins stares at me with eyes Record: “What you to fall, dampening the as dark and mysterious do you like to do in landscape with gore. as the abyss. I wonder your free time? Any The gorgeous goddess if Mary Miller has hobbies?” of ancient rage coils her become this incarnation

of destruction or if she was always a cosmic force of nature, simply waiting to reveal her true self. Perhaps, dear reader, we are all the Mayan Death Gods in the end. Perhaps we always were.

I look up and notice that Jonathan Holloway, Miller’s replacement, has appeared on the horizon, apparently flying under his own power. He is carrying a staff of unknowable and occult power forged in the heart of Xibalba itself. Miller alights from her perch on that building where the pretend science classes are held and lunges towards her mortal

enemy. The two duel in the skies above New Haven, their blows shaking buildings to their foundations as far away as Quinnipiac.

After a time, it seems that they are evenly matched. The two opponents launch

9

Library, revealing the long-hidden hellmouth it was constructed to hide. The two vanish into a bleak vortex, destined to continue their battle in the realm of the Death King Hunhau for all eternity.

When Miller isn’t bringing about the end of all existence, she teaches classes in classical Mayan most personable culture and will be VENGEFUL MAYAN delivering the Slade GODDESS lectures at Cambridge University over the towards each other winter (presumably in from opposite sides her human incarnation). of campus and clash in a flash of blinding – C. HALL light like the flames of a thousand suns. The blast tears open Bass

MARY MILLER

10

RECORD

It’s not everyday that you see something on the corner of York and Elm that makes you stop in a busy intersection, mid-jaywalk with a bag full of egg salad, baby carrots, and Stop and Shop® brand tampons, After making the long, difficult trek out to the second floor of 35 Broadway, The Record found ourselves in desperate need of a breather. This might have just been the new Spring Break diet we’ve been trying out (egg whites and lukewarm Dubra), but it probably also had something to do with the fact that the mere thought of having class in a building that shares a wall with Toad’s had left us with a powerful and uncomfortable erection for much of the previous week.

Things didn’t get any better when we finally stepped foot inside the Monday morning meeting of ENGL 114a Section 04:

yalerecord.org forcing cars to honk aggressively and swerve into each other as they try to avoid hitting you, but when this Record reporter saw this 50 Bester on the street, her heart stopped momentarily and she said to herself, “….Dad?” W h e n asked, “Hey wait, sir, are you my beloved, long-estranged father?” this middle-aged white man that looks a little like the handsome stranger in your baby pictures initially Seeing Through Other Eyes. Just one look at those eager freshman faces and our pant seams were positively bursting at the crotch.

Just kidding.

The Record weren’t wearing any pants.

As any well-seasoned Yalie will tell you, there’s no greater turnon than a voracious love of learning—something that this group of fourteen sex kitties has

continued walking, but this Record reporter would stop at nothing to feel his long, hard… fatherly arm around her shoulder.

With salt-and-pepper hair, a green sweater that brings out the blue in his (and your!) eyes, and a look of sudden confusion mixed with fear (the same from the day you were born!), this man on the street who looks like he could be the guy that your mom curses under her breath as she swirls a glass of red wine and looks longingly at pictures from her days on the pageant circuit as the picture of virility.

He could totally be the one to have boned your mom and stuck around long enough to

their stiff, oblong table, engaging each other over and over again in heated and impassioned dialogue.

Whether they’re critically analyzing the works of Nietzsche, Aristotle, or any of the other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they do so with an air of grace and sluttiness that this reporter simply can’t get enough of.

When we asked the class what they thought was perhaps their hottest feature (a toughie by any measure), the response was nearly unanimous: most personable “Only when we adopt LITERARY SCHOLARS the perspective of the in superabundance. Any Other may we begin Monday, Wednesday, or to fully know the Friday from 10:30 to limitations inherent 11:20 a.m., you can find to the human notion them crowded around of identity.” My God.

ENGL 114A SECTION 04

leave the day before me, do I know you?” his only daughter’s he says, with his mouth third birthday. Just the that doesn’t look like thought of spending yours but that’s okay every other Christmas because sometimes at his house makes things like that skip a this Record reporter generation. Oh, what absolutely aroused with you would do for the feelings of daughterly privilege of waking up adoration. next to him after a long, So what does sweaty night this dashing of being father figure do related, when he’s not because you most personable had trying to avoid that eye contact ... DAD? n i g h t m a r e with the girl he again where might have sired twenty you’re being chased years ago in a heated by clowns and none of moment of passion them are your dad, and and ill planning? The he came in because he briefcase he’s carrying knows how much you says he’s just an average hate not having a dad. businessman, but the When asked, “Dad? dreams you’ve had of Is that you? It’s me! him every night since Your daughter! Don’t he left say astronaut/ you remember me? I celebrity chef. “Excuse haven’t seen you in so

long. I go to Yale now.

I write for The Record: America’s Oldest Humor Magazine. We even have an Amtrak sponsorship! (Amtrak: The Art of Travel.

Redefined.)

I was worried I’d never see you again. But that was so long ago. We have so much time to make up. I never forgot you. Dad? Dad? Where are you going, Dad?” the man on the street that could be the one personally responsible for this Record reporter’s need for male attention and her inability to trust everyone she loves simply shrugged and returned to talking on his Bluetooth.

Excuse us for a moment while we swoon. And also masturbate.

However, if there’s anything Record loves more than thoughtful exposition, it’s a fineass TA. And sure enough, Section 04 has one of the finest. Julia Franks is a 5th year PhD student whose areas of interest include poetry and Victorian manuscripts from the

like more than for Julia to assign a close reading of a certain turgid, throbbing mass, longing to be uncovered beneath the superficial interpretation of our pants. Though once again, The Record weren’t actually wearing pants.

RUFUS LACKNER

turn of the 18th century.

A veteran of the writingseminar circuit, Julia has taught a number of different ENGL 114 sections in the past, on topics such as “How Things Define Things,” “On the Meanings of Words,” and “Taylor Swift and the Future of Global Democracy.”

Indeed, there is absolutely nothing this reporter would

– R. LACKNER

– N. GOEL

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org “Kill me,” deadpans Harold Polanski.

“Please. I’m begging you. Kill me.”

This is just one of countless examples this reporter could have chosen to illustrate Harold’s legendary wit.

At a jolly over-onethousand pounds (scales only go up so high!), he approaches his work with a dedication as substantial as the plaque buildup in his arteries.

Harold is Yale Dining’s Director of Waste Management, which means he is tasked with eating the extra food that students leave on their plates. His work is essential, and touches the life of every student who has ever trashed an entire plate

of what turned out to be vegan ravioli. However, most Yalies are unaware that Harold’s position exists.

“Wait, what the fuck?” responds one student, Gregor Glütman PC ’16, when asked if he is familiar with the duties of the DWM. As he finishes scooping his bowl of

We’ve been in love with this publication’s personality since 2013, when we first noticed indie music drifting through the halls outside our office on the third floor of 305 Crown. We

did some detective work, and discovered that the Herald’s office was right next door to ours – complete with dozens of gorgeous writers wearing stylish hornrimmed glasses. As our

HAROLD POLANSKI

most personable

DINING HALL WORKER FORCED TO EAT ALL OF THE FOOD YOU DON’T FINISH

“kind of too milky” tres leches cake into the bin, he continues, “I mean, what a waste of money. Just leave the

food on the sidewalk or something. I’m sure the squirrels and the homeless people will eat it.”

Although he may lack appreciation from the students he serves, for Harold, a job well done is (presumably) its own reward.

“To live is to suffer,” he announces with delicious irony the first time we meet, in the pitch-black underground chamber where he works and sleeps. He laughs so joyously that he begins to cry and rattle his chains. It is a busy day for Harold, as Commons offered potatoes at lunch and many students forgot that they “don’t really

like potatoes that much.” But this doesn’t mean he can’t find time for fun!

“The first three days, all I did was pray,” he cackles with infectious enthusiasm. “First to Jesus, then to Buddha, to Brahma, to any being who might listen. On the fourth day, they served vegan chicken for dinner. At last I knew there was no God.” Although I had originally planned to hold a series of interviews, this turns out to be my only opportunity to speak to Harold. By the next day his lips have become too swollen with fat for him to form words. Still, I am infinitely grateful

crush developed into a full-blown obsession, we knew we simply had to interview the Herald for 50 Best.

The folks at the Herald are surprisingly shy, and claimed that they didn’t have the time to sit down for an interview. But we knew they were just playing hard-to-get, so we duct-taped them into their office last Thursday night while they were all inside, working frantically to meet their weekly deadline.

“What’s going on?” asked Herald senior editor Katy Osborn, after trying to leave the office to grab coffee and discovering that the door wouldn’t open. We began the interview with some basic biographical questions, but of course, being the Herald, they tried to interview us

right back.

“Is this the Yale Record?” said Features editor Nicole Narea. “Why are you doing this?” added executive editor Colin Groundwater.

We ignored them and changed the subject, asking how they felt about Pitchfork’s review of the latest Kendrick Lamar album. “Good question! Actually—” Colin started, before finance director Reed Berry cut him off: “You can’t do this to us!

Open the door!” Reed’s sensual demands got us all hot and bothered; we had to fan ourselves with our notebooks for a few minutes before continuing the interview.

Managing editor Lara Sokoloff suggested we speak to the New Haven Police instead. “They’ll

11

to have met him.

Whenever I find myself dumping hundreds of calories into a dining hall bin, it’s nice to feel a connection, however small, to the man on the other side.

Editor’s Note: Sadly, a few days after this

piece was filed Harold Polanski passed away.

Please keep him in your thoughts, along with the half-dozen or so of his successors who have also passed away since then.

be here in five minutes; you’d better let us out!” But the YPD isn’t personable at all. At least not compared to the cute way Lara’s nose twitches when she gets angry. So

of all, Editor-in-Chief Kohler Bruno, offered to give us the Herald’s “entire collection of vinyl records, including like three copies of For Emma, Forever Ago” if we opened the door to let him use the bathroom.

A very tempting offer, Kohler, but we’d rather make love to your sweet, sweet personality!

When we went downstairs after the interview, we found that the police had given up rather than pound their way through our mountain of New Journals and risk getting a paper cut. This Record writer hopes that the Herald is doing well, and that maybe they managed to escape through a window or something.

THE YALE HERALD most personable PUBLICATION WE TRAPPED INSIDE THEIR OFFICE

the Record barricaded the front door of the building with several thousand leftover issues of The New Journal to keep the cops at bay.

As the evening wore on, the Herald got even personable-r.

Voices editor Maya Averbuch promised that the Record would be every single item on that week’s Blacklist. And the most personable Herald staffer

– B. GARFINKEL

– A. GERTLER

12

RECORD

You can always tell when Ian Samuels TD ’15 is around by the intensity of the fanatic shrieks emanating from his ever-present fan mob. With his frosted tips and middle-parted bowl cut, it really comes as no surprise that girls constantly confuse him with a 17-yearold Justin Timberlake.

But in between all the autograph requests and incessant beeper beeps, this Record reporter still managed to sit down with the guy who’s watched every Seinfeld and Simpsons episode four times over.

“Sure, I’ve got time. This dial-up will take forever to boot up anyway.” As he paused his Walkman and removed his other Kevin Sillowitz DC ’16 is a really nice guy, but this Record reporter thinks that maybe we should just be friends.

yalerecord.org earphone, it became so Well Ian, you clear why this man was certainly won’t find anyone complaining about the view from behind.

Nor from the front––there’s most personable just something so ONE TRUE 90S KID AT YALE undeniably seductive about the way Ian wears the inspiration behind his overalls with only “…Baby One More one strap attached.

Time.” The sexual Let me guess: You’re radiance emitted by putting on your Jordans his fanny pack was right now, ready to jump almost too much for into his Jansport bag this Record reporter to and to let him carry you handle. away, wherever he may “Trust me, the please? Well, before baggier, the better!” you do so, you should Ian said, gesturing to learn what would win the jeans he never wore you a spot in this man’s more than 4.5” below Hummer. the waist. “Besides, The first thing Ian how else would I show does on a date is check off my cool ‘N Sync to see how his date’s d a y s - o f - t h e - w e e k Tomagotchi is doing. boxers? These ones are “I once called Social Tuesday.”

Services on my date

IAN SAMUELS

With his thick chestnut hair, green eyes, and a slightly gap-toothed smile, Kevin could charm his way into the

hearts and bedrooms of just about any girl on campus, including, until recently, this Record reporter, because she thinks she might be more into his roommate.

And she hopes that doesn’t make things weird or anything.

Hailing from good ole Worcester, Mass., Kevin has just enough New England charisma to capture a lady’s affections for about eight months before she sees right through his fucking façade of “Oh, I’m so charming, I can’t help that Becky threw herself at me on Halloweekend. You were never supposed to get hurt, babe.

Babe?” He’s great

because I found out she wasn’t feeding hers.

Who could be so cruel?

Hold on a second, I forgot to remove her contact from my PDA.” Then, comes the dance assessment. Can you do the Macarena?

Because Ian sure can and, boy, can he move them hips.

And if she’s competent enough, there’s one last factor he considers. “She’s gotta show real dedication to her Furby collection.

I know it takes a lot of work, but these aren’t just dolls. Some of my best friends are Furbies, you know.”

Treat your Furbies well and you might just end up with the hottie who could easily be the sixth member of with kids and loves his mom (maybe a little too much, to be perfectly honest), and sometimes even forgets his girlfriend’s birthday,

KEVIN SILLOWITZ

most personable

GUY YOU’RE CURRENTLY BREAKING UP WITH

and even though she’ll try to be cool, because nobody wants an uncool girlfriend, it really makes her feel like garbage. And when he says he loves old Hollywood movies too, he doesn’t really mean it.

Kevin is a pretty busy guy (which totally doesn’t justify not answering texts), but when he’s not

the Backstreet Boys.

It’s no w o n d e r then why this Record reporter was so disappointed when we had to end the interview early. Unaware of Ian’s attempts to connect to the World Wide Web, Ian’s roommate picked up the phone.

“Every single damn time! I’ve told you before: don’t fuck with the phone when I’m using the internet!

Jeez…I hate to do this, but I need some time to calm down.

Can you pass me that Spice Girls CD?” With too preoccupied with club swimming, writing for the Herald, volunteering with local high schoolers through the New Haven REACH program, or that goddamned Becky, Kevin can be found in the Davenport courtyard yelling, “Why is this happening? I thought you loved me! Wait…are you writing this down?”

Here at the Record, we can’t help but wonder if his performance in the bedroom is as embarrassing as his current public meltdown.

Yes. Yes it is.

When asked about his idea of a perfect date that doesn’t involve being an hour late for his

pleasure, Ian. So to all prospective girlfriends, I wish you the best of luck in perfecting your Macarena.

But hopefully that won’t be necessary––you can just meet him by joining the “Full House Fan club” AOL chat room.

– R. LOPEZ six-month anniversary dinner because he was having too much fun with “the boys” and “forgot,” Kevin says, “Jesus, Rachel. That was one time. Didn’t I make it up to you?”

We have some exclusive news from an anonymous source that Kevin did not in fact make it up to this Record reporter. Also, Kevin didn’t even cry at the beginning of Up. What kind of monster doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up? Ladies, this Masshole is very newly single, and is looking for a girl that will put up with the fact that…WELL YOU’RE NOT SO PERFECT YOURSELF, KEVIN. – R. LACKNER

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org didn’t have none of to help underprivileged ’em,” he recalls. “Well, porcupines in the area except this one squirrel and graduating second family, but they were in his class. Once he the good kind. Father arrived at Yale, the was an accountant racist porcupine was or something. Sent relieved to find that their little bushy- none of his suitemates tailed children to were squirrels. private school. Kept to “I was worried, ’cause themselves.”

I know these damn The racist porcupine Yankee communist probably knows his lesbians are all about the racism is wrong. But squirrels around here, it’s just who he is. but thankfully all my “ F u r - c o v e r e d roommates turned out sumbitches,” he mutters to be human,” he says. every now He was and then, worried for his eyes a moment zooming about his most personable quickly suitemate RACIST PORCUPINE around the S t u room like Rosenberg two squirrels that just ’17, who is notably jacked someone’s car. hairy, but it turns out In spite of his Stu was just “Jewish closed-mindedness, or Indian or some other the racist porcupine such.” stood out in high When he’s being school, starting a club completely candid, the

The racist porcupine chews his tobacco slowly, methodically, luxuriantly; finally, he expectorates loudly into a nearby spittoon.

He plucks out one of his own quills, then uses it to pick at his teeth. “I know it bothers you,” he says in his characteristic drawl, “but this here’s just the way I am. It’s how I was raised. Just

can’t stand those damn squirrels.”

The racist porcupine has always been a porcupine and a racist.

Born on a rocky outcrop or hillside or something near Tuscaloosa and educated in Birmingham, the porcupine was raised both close to and apart from Alabama’s large squirrel population.

“My neighborhood

Ladies, don’t you just love bad boys? We here at the Record are proud to present the baddest boy of them all, Baron Bad-Evil von Death CC ’16. With a name like that, he must be all bad and, accordingly, super sexy.

I was already sweating when he walked into the location of our interview, my favorite coffee shop.

Granted, I did have a high fever and was sitting on the radiator, my favorite seat, at the time, but my sweats were all thanks to this 5 foot 2 piece of man meat! When he politely asked me if I was feeling okay, I could

just tell that he being more, to find out what super sarcastic about it fueled his hate fire. and being so bad.

“So,” I said, flirtatiously, Things got even more pouring coffee over heated when he asked myself to increase my me if my day was going level of hotness (and well. also my “He’s so level of evil,” I second thought. degree How did burns), he know “Why do most personable that my you do it?

BAD BOY cat had Why are d i e d you so bad earlier, and that his all the time?” question would cause “What are you talking me to relive the pain about? I thought this and agony of saying was an interview for goodbye to my best a job at that nonprofit friend and on-again- that makes sweaters for off-again lover? He cold puppies,” Bad-Evil really does his research responded, badly. to be bad.

At this point I was I wanted to know only one second away

BARON BAD-EVIL VON DEATH

RACIST PORCUPINE

from jumping across the table and attacking his face with my own badly burned face, but social decorum (and the terms of my parole) kept me in my seat. “What’s your next scheme?”

“Scheme? I don’t know about any scheme, I was just going to take a nap and eat some Saltines later,” he said. “Why do you keep saying things like that? Oh, wait, it’s my name, isn’t it, this always happens, it’s just a stupid family name—“ His twisted caricature of an average kid was too much for me. I passed out on the spot (the doctors say it was

13

racist porcupine will admit to being troubled by how comfortable his classmates seem around the squirrels.

“They just let ’em walk around, eat shit, climb trees. Meanwhile, I ain’t never seen none of ’em workin’, never.

But they’re all getting welfare or acorns or cocaine from the government.”

At Yale, the racist porcupine joined the Tory Party and is also an active member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) community.

“Love my clubs,” he said, smiling broadly with his prominent, reddish, multi-layered teeth. “They’re all about brotherhood and integrity and keepin’ our communities pure, ya know?”

Meghan Tyler ’18, of Greenwich, the racist

porcupine’s girlfriend, is a self-described “racial moderate.” “I mean, just because I’m going to work for Goldman doesn’t mean I don’t want to help poor, blighted, ignorant squirrel communities,” she said, tucking her economics textbook into a totally fetch LL Bean tote. “I don’t really see race, or species.”

“My philosophy— and racist porcupine’s too, I think—is personal responsibility,” she continued. “It’s not our fault if squirrels have a culture of failure.”

“It’s their fault,” the racist porcupine added, wrapping his bristly hind-leg delicately around Meghan’s shoulders.

“Squirrel slavery ended like a hundred years ago.”

because I hadn’t eaten in a week, but doctors don’t know what love is). I haven’t seen him since then, but I know he’s out there

somewhere, making the world slightly worse and drowning in the ladies at the same time.

– S. STERN

– B. RUDEEN

14

RECORD

“My novel tells the story of an affluent college student struggling to find her place in the world, but also racism, as well as 9/11,” says Luca Storts

yalerecord.org

SY ’15, unprompted, when I walk past her table in Blue State. “It asks the question: Can you ever really know another person, or are we all in a fundamental

You’ve seen him at he has a frisky cocker the Branford dining spaniel named Lucy. hall, scarfing down a But that’s not all. nutella-and-banana Back in high school, poppyseed he was m i n i even an bagel. He’s E a g l e the hunky S c o u t . d u d e most personable *smolder* scrolling So what GUY WHO’S THINKING OF SWITCHING TO is it about through his V-NECKS newsfeed Zachary in your Hamsparks biology lecture. The BR ’15 that’s fueling hair. The bod. The this turbocharged twoseemingly wonderful stroke diesel engine of relationship with his studliness? It may be the mother (not like we’ve pheromones; it may be hacked into his phone the civic involvement; it and pored over his may be his impeccably iMessage threads for understated, ironically hours or anything...). genuine normcore He used to play wardrobe. water polo. He’s a On any given day, card-carrying member Hamsparks can be found of the United States in the Durfee’s line Chess Federation, he’s sporting his trademark a social media intern for shabby-chic ensemble: Yale’s Asian American ripped American Eagle Cultural Center, and Original Bootcut™

ZACHARY HAMSPARKS

two epigraphs: The first is from Faust, in the original German, and the second, with a touch of irony, is a line from a Rolling Stones song.

My entire novel takes place over a single day, September the 11th, mostly in a crackhouse in Harlem.”

“Why are you telling me any of this?” I ask Luca.

She takes a sip of her steamed milk and explains, “I worked really hard to get the Ebonics right. Mostly, I tried to mimic the way alone? It also asks: dialogue in Their Eyes Hey, wasn’t 9/11 really Were Watching God. sad?”

I was a little afraid “Huh,” I say. of my novel being Taking this as misconstrued as racist, encouragement, she so I made sure to give continues: “There are jeans, leather flip flops, and one of his sundry crewneck tees.

When asked to comment on his sartorial commitment, Hamsparks stated, “I dunno. My wardrobe almost exclusively consists of free t-shirts I’ve gotten from intramurals, 5Ks or high school math tournaments. I just have so many.”

An athlete and a brain, ladies. He’s single.

But Branford’s favorite fashion maven may be on the brink of a new era. Upon learning that The Record had selected him as one of Yale’s 50 Best Personalities, Hamsparks reported he initially felt an overwhelming sense of bafflement and

discomfort.

“I mean, I’ve only had one girlfriend ever, and that was sophomore year of high school.

I just never thought I was the ‘type’ that got picked for this sort of thing.”

When asked to what he owes his success, Hamsparks replied “You said people liked my t-shirts? So…that.”

This revelation comes at a crucial time for Hamsparks. Leaving his scoopneck roots behind, he was actually considering switching to v-necks.

“They were on sale at Target last week and I kind of wanted a change. Also, like, my chest hair is finally starting to come in? I mean, if you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?”

Agreed.

all of the AfricanAmerican characters hearts of gold.”

“I don’t want any of this information,” I reply.

LUCA STORTS

most personable

GIRL WRITING A NOVEL IN BLUE STATE

“The protagonist doesn’t have a name. In my novel I actually call him The Protagonist.

Very meta.”

“Please stop,” I say.

“My novel is all in third person except for one section which is described from the point of view of the second plane. To me,

But what will this style evolution mean for Hamsparks? Will his following dwindle as low as his plunging neckline? Only time will tell.

For now, let’s continue to ogle this

the act of destruction is deeply bound to the act of authorship.”

I begin to walk away.

“I use the word ‘tremulous’ 17 times!” she calls after me. She begins to say something about the anxiety of influence, but before she can finish I’m already safely in the street.

Luca may be the most personable girl writing a novel in Blue State, but she certainly can’t hold a candle to the most personable guy writing a prose poem in Blue State: James Franco.

– B. GARFINKEL

buttoned-up cutie pie from afar. And keep our fingers crossed for a plunging neckline.

– A. MANSFIELD

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org You all remember ones, but better because that one girl from you can attach more of elementary school who them your wall. And liked horses a little too they’re much easier much. The to get one whose downstairs favorite in one game was piece.” most personable She shook “You Are GIRL WHO’S STILL her head, Now a WEIRDLY INTO HORSES muttering Horse,” where she “Lesson made you get on all fours learned.” and eat the playground’s approximation of grass?

Hannah is the founder Well, get ready to meet and sole member of her again: Hannah YHORSE, the Yale Bralo PC ’18 was that Horse Organization girl, is that girl, and will for Revering Sacred always be that girl. And Equines. From what we it’s so much worse than can tell, it’s basically you remember. a horse cult that only We interviewed her she is in. “We have 3 in her dorm room. “This a.m. meetings every is my favorite place morning where we burn at Yale, because there a small bag of oats and are so many pictures listen to a recording of of horses. Pictures of David Attenborough horses are a lot like real say ‘Horse’ on a loop

for 2 hours. ‘We’ includes my roommate.

The meetings are in our double, so I just wake her up for them. She doesn’t mind.”

“Oh here she is now!” she said, gesturing to the shallow husk of what might have once been a freshman girl, who then panicked, mouthed “Kill me,” and fled. “She loves horses too,” Hannah told us. “I always bring her along when I go to my horse graveyard. It’s where all the horses I’ve had that have died are buried. There are a lot of them.”

Aside from things pertaining to horses, Hannah does “literally nothing else. I mean, I practically am a horse.

How could I not be doing something horse-

related at all times?

Calculus is horse calculus if you get in the proper horse mindset or outfit.”

She evidently doesn’t even like talking about things that aren’t horses, which would explain why she ignored most of our questions, opting instead to ramble about horses for the better part of an hour.

To the surprise of exactly no one, Hannah is currently single.

“I came to Yale because my horse spirit guide told me in a dream that I’d meet the love of my life here,” she told us, oblivious to how fucking insane that

Malcolm Harper BR ’16 is a gentle giant with his head in the clouds—literally.

You’ve probably seen him strolling about the

shower, his head is visible over the stall door. We didn’t believe it either, so we followed him around campus waiting for someone to throw sexy mud at him so he’d have to shower.

The photograph speaks for itself—Malcolm is almost too tall to believe.

“I saw Malcolm showering once, it was nuts!” a former classmate told us. “The video I took became the cornerstone of my theory that he is secretly Harkness Tower. It went viral on Overheard at Yale too!”

His roommate has a similar story: “You can always tell it’s Malcolm showering because he’ll say something like ‘Please stop staring at me.’ But I can’t—it’s

mesmerizing. It defies explanation.”

But it doesn’t defy the flocks of ladies (and the entire staff of The Record) trying to meet this mountain of a man.

Hardly a day goes by that someone—again, usually The Record— doesn’t slip a coy note into his shoe (it’s the only part we can reach).

The notes range from the innocent “Let’s get lunch,” to the steamy “I want to watch you take a shower but while I’m also in the shower naked having sex with you instead of outside the stall clothed not having sex with you like how it usually is when I watch you take a shower.”

Malcolm takes a dim view of these romantic missives. “How did you

HANNAH BRALO

New Haven skyline, taking care not to step on his horde of wouldbe lovers as he goes to class. Far and away the tallest guy on campus, Malcolm is the only student who is visible from East Rock. When asked how he felt about this distinction, he leaned down and said, “Hold on, what?”

B u t the most impressive fact about his height seems impossible: When he takes a

15

entire sentence is. “But are they a person or a horse? I guess we’ll see. I hope it’s a horse.”

– E. CAMPBELLTAYLOR

even know about those?

I burned most—wait, did you write all of them?

You wrote every single

don’t you get?” Many of the heart-broken say Malcolm is too picky; others are more sympathetic. “It’s a practical consideration,” claims Sarah Speer ’17.

“Sure he’s hot, but what are you supposed to do, make out with his knees?” To her, we say yes, totally, you should make out with his knees.

We would. We want to.

“Never, ever do that,” requested Malcolm, before adding “Didn’t you throw mud at me?

Why did you do that?”

MALCOLM HARPER most personable GUY SO TALL HIS HEAD STICKS OUT OF THE SHOWER STALL

one of them? What the hell? And can we go back to how I’m ‘visible from East Rock?’ I have so many questions.”

Malcolm just isn’t interested in a short fling—or a short woman. To blatantly misquote him, “I like ‘em lofty.” Something he actually said was, “It would also be nice if they didn’t think I was 800 feet tall. I’m 6’4”. What about that

– E. CAMPBELLTAYLOR

16

RECORD

When I walked into the TD Buttery, where my interview with the Yale Record took place, the entire staff of the magazine was waiting for me, naked. The combined magnificence of their unclothed bodies nearly melted my brain.

“Come on in,” said Scott Stern, Editor-inChief of the Record, casually flexing his bronzed, Adonis-like frame.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” said Kanye West, 21-time Grammy award winner and Art Director of the Yale Record.

I had a list of prepared questions, but I didn’t have to ask any of them – it was almost as if they could read my mind, or as if they wrote this entire piece and I am just a constructed character.

yalerecord.org “I’m glad you asked about our parties,” said Ian Gonzalez, Managing Editor for the Record, although I hadn’t asked anything.

“We’re all kind of hungover right now from the awesome party we had last night, at which all of us got super drunk and also super laid.”

The next obvious topic was whether or not the Record was single. “ U n f o r t u n a t e l y, no, we’re not single,” quipped Ben Garfinkel, Editing Manager for the Record. “We are actually a plurality of people. I can see how this would be confusing for some.”

“On a related note, the Record has had some distinguished alumni,” Rachel Lackner, Director of Projects, mentioned

THE YALE FUCKING RECORD

most personable

YALE FUCKING RECORD

casually.

“We’ve produced renowned accountants, senior product managers in the derivatives division of H+R Block, leaders in multiple NGOs, GOs, and Os, and many other people with successfulsounding job titles.”

The interview was put on hold at this point while the Record took a break to engage in nearly all of the debauched activities depicted in the popular blockbuster The Wolf of Wall Street.

“We like to have some fun around here – what’s a Yale club without its fun traditions?” Madeline Kaplan, Director of Directions, said as she brushed hundred dollar bills and cocaine out of her hair.

“Not much,

Madeline!” laughed Aaron Gertler, Chair of Chairs. “Despite recent unfounded allegations that the Record always sacrifices a Yale student during its initiation ritual, all of our traditions are quirky, inclusive, and fun! We’d never do wrong to Yale students specifically – we don’t discriminate in our choice of virgin sacrifices!”

The Record staff all laughed at this in unnatural unison, a haunting, hollow sound.

The air in the room suddenly felt noticeably colder.

“Speaking of unfounded allegations,” said Natalie Warren, Vice President of Regional Sales, “there have been rumors going around lately that the members of the Record are, like most Yalies, simply mortal humans of flesh and blood.

In fact, we defeated

death long ago. We are ageless, eternal.

We have seen the rise and fall of kings and empires and we shall see countless more pass from dust to dust.”

I knew in that moment that she did not lie, and it was nearly impossible to speak in the presence of such divine beings.

I somehow mustered the strength to ask how I could join their ranks – how I too could be awesome, cool, attractive, and beyond the cold hand of death.

“Meetings are every Monday at 9 pm in LC 209, and feature free pizza,” replied Ethan Campbell-Taylor, Staff Director for the Record.

“See you there.”

– I. GONZALEZ

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org

Here at The Record, Bingham D – it’s hard to we don’t pay much miss, since it’s the only attention to the rules door in the entryway – more specifically, with a bag of condoms not one of us has hanging on it. The only ever even skimmed thing hotter than his the Undergraduate steadfast commitment Regulations, and we to safe sex is the way his door is often use its decorated printed pages with door to light our h a n d l e cigars or to most personable spikes, an fashion tubes FRESHMAN added lock, with which COUNSELOR and a sign we snort coke off of strippers. So reading “KEEP OUT.” we’re not really sure Playing hard to get if freshmen counselors much?? This reporter are technically allowed certainly thinks so, to have sex with their and she should know – freshmen or not. But she’s someone smooth if there ever were a enough pull off the froco worth risking that third person voice awkward conversation without sounding like with your dean, it has an absolute moron!

After many failed to be Tom Thomas, TC attempts at knocking on ’15.

Tom’s spacious Tom’s fortress of a door single is located in and calling his cell,

TOM THOMAS

When we first accosted Danielle Shapiro ’18 at the Extracurricular Bazaar, we were taken by her concerted lack of eye contact and brisk walking in the other direction. Still, we were curious—does she sing?

“No,” said Danielle.

“Sorry.”

Unsatisfied and in need of a few more sopranos for our upcoming jam, we pressed her for a more truthful answer.

“I’m really more into political stuff, and maybe club soccer,” she said. “I don’t sing, sorry.”

Despite our best efforts, our Siren of

Song refused to woo us with beautiful melodies.

Even when we followed Danielle to her room (Farnam B23C), she remained unmoved.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked. “I told you, I don’t want to sing! I’m calling my Froco if you don’t leave in three seconds.

One…two…”

Of course, nothing can stand in the way of collegiate a capella, the most sacred of art forms. But Danielle continued rejecting our extracurricular advances. We even received a sassy note in our PO Box! “I am Marie DiPietro, Ms.

we finally got a hold of him as he tried to duck out of Commons with a hoodie covering his face. When asked why he was being so coy about his 50 Best interview, Tom said that he hadn’t slept in days and that he was “being hunted by a pack of freshmen, day and night.” Despite his haggard appearance and the hollow look of existential terror in his eyes, Record can confirm that his hair was still absolute perfection! (How does he do it??)

“I thought being a froco would be fun,” he went on to say, his voice trembling cutely. “But it’s awful. Every time I think I can sleep, one of them shows up vomiting all over my nice things

and babbling about how fun SAE late night was. Or inconsolably sobbing about how their suitemate always eats too much of the food left out in the common room. It’s like having needy children, but shittier because they’re too large to easily run away from.”

Most frocos make some time for other extracurricular activities, but not Tom – he explained to us that being a freshman counselor is his primary commitment. You heard right, ladies: fewer commitments means more room for you!

“Not only am I single, I’ve lost my social life,” Tom spilled. “People stopped coming over after I couldn’t get that unique freshman odor

17

Shapiro’s lawyer. If you do not cease and desist your endless harassment of my client, we will

Hell. But one day, after months of intense pursuit, Danielle finally agreed to show us her musical side.

She caved and sang a 16-bar selection from most personable “Go Put Your STUDENT WHO HAS NO Records On.” INTEREST IN SINGING It was a really solid effort, be forced to seek legal but it’s going to be a action in the form of a hard pass from us. Try restraining order.” out again next year, We were undeterred, Danielle! but Danielle, our DoRe-Muse, maintained – M.KAPLAN her anti-singing stance.

Our heroic commitment to her artistic side never faltered. We even did a brief performance at her cousin’s bris, until we were asked to leave and then banished to Jewish

DANIELLE SHAPIRO

of vomit and Keystone Light out of my carpet.

God, I fucking hate them.”

What a firecracker!

We can only imagine what that passionate anger translates to in the bedroom. Before he was chased away by a freshman having an anxiety attack due to her failing grades in Indonesian L1, Tom

had time to answer one more question for the Record: How does he feel about his 50 Best nomination?

“Oh Christ,” he said.

“That’s just fucking great. Can you please not put me in it? It’ll just be another excuse for them to come talk to me.”

– I. GONZALEZ

18

RECORD

yalerecord.org

It goes without saying that the late mustache of our dear president Peter Salovey is perhaps the most famous and well-known collection of hairs on his entire epidermis.

A visionary from birth (sometime in the president’s awkward battle with puberty) to his death a few years ago, the mustache has been compared to the greats of facial hair: that of Josef Stalin, the Pringles guy, Super Mario. However, most Yalies, excluding this Record staffer and Eugene who lives down the hall, are completely unaware of another member of the Salovey hair community: his armpit hair.

Standing at a distinctive four inches,

and black as the night,. brazened by decades of public ignorance and mistreatment, the armpit hair stood tall as I spoke to him. Refusing any refreshments or deodorants, he seemed

Other devoted members include Peter Salovey’s ear hair, Peter Salovey’s chest hair, and several officers of the Worker’s Union of Hair of the Lower Regions of Peter Salovey (WUHLRPS).

“I’ve been here since the first years of his pubescence,” most personable Peter Salovey’s PRESIDENTIAL BODY PART armpit hair said.

“Then Peter’s mustache came proud despite his out of fucking nowhere! troubles.

When Peter starting Describing himself working at Yale, I as “genuine” and thought that he’d share “consistent,” Peter some of the fame with Salovey’s armpit hair those that have been is the president of with him from the the Yale Association beginning. I mean, I of Underrepresented have a Master’s from Hairs of Peter Salovey Hairvard. But no, even (YAUHPS), an after that attentionorganization lobbying whore mustache died, for equality among the kids have no idea who hair of Peter Salovey. the hell I am.”

“It’s just silly!” laughs Sumner Ellis, Yale’s most personable token

conservative.

We’re talking politics as we stroll out of Mory’s,

PETER SALOVEY’S ARMPIT HAIR

although to be honest I’m finding myself so aroused by the cigar clenched between his perfectly white teeth that I can hardly process his words. “If the underclass really don’t want to take advantage of welfare, and there really aren’t enough jobs for them on land, then why don’t they just go underwater with their poor people gills? That’s the question no liberal’s ever been able to answer for me.”

Playing devil’s advocate, I gently suggest that poor people may not actually have gills.

“No, really!” responds Sumner. “There’s even a thirty page section of Atlas Shrugged that just describes this one poor

“Armpit hair’s a communist, a dangerous radical, and any attempt to appease him will only lead to higher tensions,” says Peter Salovey’s eyebrows, a former classmate of Peter Salovey’s mustache at Stacheford University and godfather to his twelve children.

At the end of the

day, Peter Salovey’s armpit hair is simply misunderstood, let down by the flaws of a capitalist society and working hard for a better life for himself and his people. In his free time, he tells us, he enjoys 17th century monastic poetry, is an accomplished expert on the intricacies of the

metaphysical conceit, and plays competitive bridge.

Follow him on Twitter at @petersaloveys_ armpit_hair.

person’s gills. The U.S. government puts him in charge of the Department of Transportation to help him feel better about being poor, and he tries to get rid of all of the trains, because of socialism, but then the tall attractive CEOs break into his headquarters and stuff his gills with money and throw him in a lake so they can be individuals.

It changed my life.”

That’s right, ladies.

Sumner is more than just an alright body with a bowtie wrapped around the neck part. He’s also read a book. Specifically Atlas Shrugged, the summer after junior year of high school.

So if you’re feeling Ayn Randy, Sumner might just be the man for

you. He’s laissez-faire in the voting booth and the r/libertarians subreddit, but certainly not in the bedroom. He may not believe in safety nets, but, baby, you’re going to need a safe word. So

you can have him?

And, ladies, just one more thing: He’s got a room all to himself and two beds with 1000 thread-count sheets, now that he’s paid his roommate to move out.

Amazingly, despite all this, Sumner is still on the (free!) market.

When I ask him how can he possibly still be single, he shyly readjusts his bowtie and toupee.

“To be honest, I went on a date last week, but she ended up going on and on about the pay gap. She must have been covering up her gills.”

I’d fuck him.

SUMNER ELLIS most personable TOKEN CONSERVATIVE

practice your O’Reillyface and prepare to meet his Fountainhead and his Goldman Sach, because Sumner’s not just a scholar of the Austrian School of Economics— he’s also a scholar of the Austrian School of Sexin’ You Up. Who needs feminism, when

– J. SHI

– B. GARFINKEL

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org The Record recently Elaine Chao to get the sat down with former scoop on her and her Secretary of Labor great personality.

Whether he’s killin’ it on the pong table, rocking his favorite tweed blazer, or just charming the living fuck out of you in section, this guy really brings everything to the…wait a second. How did this guy get in here? Are we thinking of the same guy? This guy?! The one who spent last Saturday night alternating between keg stands and spending uncomfortable amounts of one-on-one time with my girlfriend?

The same guy who brought six dates to Branford Screw? The same guy who wouldn’t let me into his party because I wasn’t “on the list” or “invited” or “of legal drinking age”?!?

Surely this jerk could not possibly have made our list…

Well, okay.

Sometimes he’s all right. He is definitely interesting…and really knows how to make

good conversation. He’s sooo confident. And he interned at Goldman Sachs last summer, so he

FRAT GUY most personable FRAT STAR

must be exceptionally bright. Plus, good luck trying to find a wrinkle in one of his polos.

Seriously, how does he have time to iron his polos and iron his jeans?

And goddamn, his smile could melt the heart of Ebeneezer Scrooge.

No! No. No. No. His “chill” façade can’t fool me. He thinks he can use his wit, charm, well-defined calves and constant references to his size 10 boat shoes to turn everyone in his favor, but I won’t fall for it! This is the same guy who sunbathes shirtless on Old Campus every day in the spring. This is

Record: What’s Record: So, which your favorite spot on of the 12 residential Yale’s campus? colleges describes Chao: I didn’t go to your personality?

Yale.

Chao: What’s a residential college? I Record: How do didn’t go to this school. you feel about being Are you even listening named one of Yale’s 50 to me?

Best Personalities?

Chao: Confused. As Record: Such a TD, I said previously, I did amirite? So aloof. Next not go to Yale. question: Where on Yale’s campus is the Record: What best make-out spot? would you say is your Chao: Who the hell greatest strength? are you, anyway? And Chao: Oh, OK. I what’s a TD? guess I would say that I think that my Record: The brain determination is— room in the Med School??

That’s the same guy who cuts the entire line at Toad’s every Wednesday just by winking at all the girls and dapping up all the guys.

“I’m just your average college student with size 10 boat shoes,” he claims with his adorable…ahem… totally stupid smile.

“I just like to have a good time—that’s what we’re all here for after all, right? Tell ya what pal, why don’t you stop

by Zeta Beta Alpha Psi Pi Phi Epsilon Psi on Friday and tell the boys out front you’re my guest of honor. Would love to have ya there, bud.”

Oh…well, that’s awfully nice. But… no, nice try. Not falling for his charm. As I was saying— “Feel free to bring a few friends,” he says with a little twinkle in his eye that makes my heart flutter…

ahem…I mean…he says arrogantly. “We’ll have booze, pong, and women. And hey, don’t you deserve to celebrate after all your hard work this week. You’re such a smart guy. I’ve always admired that about you—you know that?”

What? You’ve always admired me??? That’s so kind and…yeah, I mean let me check my calendar. I suppose I could stop by!

“And when you come, would you mind bringing along a copy of the answers to the homework assignment due next week?” he asks, his salmon shorts striking a godly contrast with his blue eyes and his lanyard hanging out of his pocket as if to emphasize his devil-may-care spirit.

“Just wanna ‘check’ some answers with the smartest guy I know.”

For sure!

I’ve actually done some

so kinky, Former Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.

Chao: Stop calling me that. And what’s the brain room? What’s happening? What kind of weird place is this?

ELAINE CHAO most personable FORMER SECRETARY OF LABOR

Record: Isn’t science hill the worst?

Chao: I don’t know what that means! What are you going to do to me?

19

Chao: And no Commons breakfast?

What’s that about?

Chao: What’s going on?

Record: Yale yale yale?

Chao: Was that even a sentence? Untie me so that I can leave!

Thank you for talking with us. It was a pleasure, as always.

– C. RUDEEN

work on the next few love to come! She talks week’s assignments, so about you all the time, I’ll bring those answers, believe it or not. too! Can’t wait for this What a great guy. weekend!!!

“Yeah, and bring that – Z. SCHLOSS girlfriend of yours, too. I really loved meeting her the other weekend.”

Of course! She would

20

RECORD

Sunday afternoon, April 20, 1999. Yale vs. Harvard. With mere seconds left, the audience sat riveted. As the Yale team made its final, devastating move, the entire venue exploded into irrepressible cheers.

Literally a dozen people stormed the center of SSS room 312-D, and all three members of Yale’s elite Snakes and Ladders team were hoisted into the air to be crowd-surfed as far as room 312-C. Tears of unfiltered joy were shed on that historic day.

And at the center of it all was Ugly Dan—Yale’s official BUMHOLE (Back Up Mascot for the Heartening Of Lesser-known Extracurriculars). When the Record interviewed this celebrated canine, we quickly decided we wanted Ugly Dan

yalerecord.org filling in for our own a little more meat on my BUMHOLE too. bone.” Complementing Ugly is arguably that voluptuous bod is the second-most a face that would bring distinguished legacy a tear to even Michael here at Yale, following Vick’s eye. You know in the pawprints of 125 how Handsome Dan years of Handsome Dans looks like he ran headfirst and fitting into a glass in with door? Ugly the most most personable Dan’s face affluent of MASCOT looks like admits. But it was when asked hit by a about his rogue New ancestors, Ugly took a Haven taxicab. Take shit on the grass, pointed it from us. That’s a lot at the freshly steaming more handsomeness. dog log, and growled, But at the end of the “Bitches.” Damn. With day, Yalies everywhere an attitude that powerful, spoke most highly of we’ll be your bitch all Ugly Dan’s radiant night long. charisma: “Handsome With a tummy as wide Dan [almost as much as as the scope of Yale prep his brother Ugly Dan] school diversity and hips embodies the neveras curvy as a MATH ending determination 120 blackboard, Ugly of Yale athletics, the Dan redefines “wellceaseless inspiration of rounded,” saying, “I Yale academics, and the can’t really help it. I like

UGLY DAN

Nathan Fong JE ’18 strolls into rooms with an urgency that lets people know that he is a man with a purpose. Though his composure may at first seem to be one of discomfort, if you spend enough time with him you will notice that he relaxes.

His outfit, from what I can tell, tends to be a blue tee shirt with a mustard stain and khaki shorts. An examination of his junk reveals that he is probably an average love-maker, at best.

Fong has a variety of hobbies.

He whistles (badly, but he makes up for it with enthusiasm)

timeless soul of Yale University as an entire community,” raved President Salovey.

“I’m so excited to be here [to see the famous Ugly Dan],” explained a tourist on Old Campus, beaming with Yale spirit. “Ugly Dan is actually one of

my closest friends,” admitted one lonelylooking TD student on his return commute from civilization.

Though they don’t talk about him much, clearly all Yalies have a soft spot for their BUMHOLE. And the best part?

This son of a bitch is single. And this Record reporter could be in for a cushy ride tonight.

Doggy style.

and evidently he eats hates sinks (he muttered copious amounts “pervert,” as he washed of asparagus. From his hands). There is the sound of it, he probably something frequently works out from his childhood that his kegels; a caused this real Jack-ofabnormality, all-trades! but his W h a t monosyllabic really draws responses and most personable people to a thorough GUY NEXT TO YOU him is that examination AT THE URINAL you really of his penis need to fight to get to were not enough to know him. An attempt draw any definitive to start a conversation, conclusions. even when you are right Asking other people next to him, will prompt in the room about him quick, monosyllabic yielded some interesting responses and looks new information. of discomfort; a quick One person, who I dick-check will prompt assume is a close a look of shock followed friend, enthusiastically by a fast exit. commented, “Get Another quirky thing the fuck out of here about Fong is that he I’m taking a shit you

fuckhead!”

Another person chimed in “I don’t mind if you come into my stall, sexy!”

What insights into the life of my asparagusloving buddy!

Finally, Fong is observant.

Walking back to my table I heard him telling his friends about a weirdo he peed next to in the bathroom.

I didn’t even notice a third urinal! Although to be fair, I probably didn’t notice a third urinal because I was so focused on his mediocre dong.

NATHAN FONG

– J. RUTTER

– B. BEITLER

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org

You might not expect a Hollywood big shot like Luke Wilson to have a great personality.

But if you spend even a few minutes chatting with him, you’ll see that Wilson is a smart guy.

Even if he did agree to star in Marley & Me. “That was my brother Owen, actually. I’m How many smart, sweaty Saybrugians does it take to bring home an intramural C-hoops championship?

Apparently more than 10, because the Saybrook C-hoops men’s basketball team hasn’t won a game in three years. But while the ladies may flock to the men’s varsity football, hockey, basketball, and lacrosse teams, we at The Record find ourselves drawn to this rag-tag group of loveable and shockingly sweaty (seriously, why are they so sweaty?) losers.

The team has faced constant heartbreak over the past few seasons. It all began when each member of the team received a letter the summer before their freshman years informing them that they had been assigned to Saybrook College. Can you imagine? And as if

Luke. Luke Wilson.”

After starring in Marley & Me, the famed actor decided to spend the year in New Haven as a Teaching Fellow for Minor English Poets. For those of you who haven’t heard of that English department offering, this reporter has prepared an analogy: Major English Poets is to Minor English Poets as James Franco is to James Franco’s brother (The cute one.

With the eyebrows). But how did this Hollywood hobnobber get a prime academic appointment?

“Each year, Yale goes to the Screen Actors

Guild to recruit English TFs. I actually wanted to teach Major English Poets, but I guess the job had already been filled.”

For this reporter, who once glimpsed James Franco’s left arm through the fogged-up window of a Blue State, the mention of MajEngPo was almost too much to bear.

“Minor English Poets is great too, though.

We get to read Emile Dickerson. Have you heard of him?” This reporter was too bored and confused to reply.

“He’s pretty much the Shakespeare of poetry, if Shakespeare was

that wasn’t enough, these students then decided to devote their evenings to repping Yale’s shittiest (in all senses of the word) college on the intramural basketball court.

Unless you live under a rock (still preferable to living in Saybrook), you’re surely familiar with the Saybrook squad.

You might find them at Toad’s on Wednesday nights, dancing in the corner and eyeing the busty babes of Silliman’s intramural ping-pong team, scoring even less than they do on the court. You might see them seated together in

benefitting from the work of others, you freeloading bastard). Or you may see them enjoying a mid-afternoon snack at Alpha Delta—part of a new and allegedly “European” training method introduced by their star point guard, Ethan Willoughby SY ’17, who leads the league in body weight with a grand total of 254 pounds.

“Sports are all… aaalllllcuff…about... auughhh…blaahdfdf… camaraderie,” said Willoughby while choking on his third Wenzel of the day. “Hang together, eat together, sleep together, study together, watch most personable Space Jam AMATEURS together, eat MB&B 425: the team together, eat together. If is notorious for taking you do all that and never Yale’s toughest classes as forget to eat together, a group (but they never you’re bound to win share notes, because together. Well, not right Yale is about challenging away. But eventually, yourself and enriching maybe. I mainly love your mind rather than eating together.”

SAYBROOK C-HOOPS BASKETBALL TEAM

unpopular. And, you We’re two different people. Do you know know, worse at poetry.”

Wilson is probably that? It doesn’t seem like best known for his you know that.” shaggy blonde hair, It might appear that crooked nose, and this one-time nominee collaboration for the MTV with Vince Movie Award Vaughn in the for Best film Wedding Comedic Crashers.

Performance most personable Man, I haven’t ( We d d i n g TF FOR MINOR C r a s h e r s ) seen Wedding ENGLISH POETS Crashers in has it all. But like eight Wilson says years. Remember the he experiences a fair part where they go to amount of frustration that wedding without and self-doubt. even being invited? That “It can be difficult was so funny. sometimes, being “No, you’re thinking overshadowed by your of my brother Owen. brother even though you

LUKE WILSON

Some of the team’s older players are a bit more competitive and can recall the last time the team recorded a big W. “I remember it like it was yesterday—it came down to the final minute,” said Jack Lowell ’15, who agreed to speak to this reporter after an apparently exhausting two-minute stint on the treadmill in the Saybrook gym.

“Right before tipoff, our fifth player showed up. Calhoun only had three people because their captain had sent the team the wrong game time, and they had to forfeit. We got so drunk that night.

I would do anything to experience the thrill of victory once more. Well, actually I’m pretty busy with other stuff, so I don’t have a lot of time to practice. I guess I’m pretty fine with the way things are.”

They may not be your

typical sports team, but they’re good enough for The Record. And since you’re reading this, they’re probably good enough for you, too. Would we sleep with them? No. Would we go out drinking with them? No. Would we sit with them in the dining hall? Hell no.

But would we give them

21

have the well-angled nose of the family. I’ve had my share of acting success too, though. I was Emmett in Legally Blonde.”

Legally Blonde? No way! That is such a good movie. Wait, who was he in that? The dad?

“Emmett. I already said that I was Emmett.”

That reminds me: I should totally watch Legally Blonde this weekend.

Reese Witherspoon is the greatest.

– M. KAPLAN

a quick nod and make brief conversation while passing them on Cross Campus?

Absolutely.

And, ultimately, isn’t that what Yale is all about?

– Z. SCHLOSS

22

RECORD

yalerecord.org

Toad’s. Almost every the club for a few extra day, hundreds of people minutes after “Living line up outside of this on a Prayer” ended and Mecca of the nighttime the crowds departed for world, this palace of the night. After a sexual favor or debaucherous two, I festivities, managed this Peterto snag a S a l o v e y ’s sex-dungeonmost personable word with boy esque cavern NIGHT CLUB OWNER my DJ Action of sin. We who said all know that when we throw he would set up an on our Fred Astaire- interview with the autographed dancing elusive club owner for shoes, get into our black me.

Looking at Toad, spandex (or, for girls, our sun dresses), and get you would never guess in line for a grinding- that he was anyone goodtime, there is important, let alone always a big question one of the most famous lingering on the back of club owners alive. At our minds: who is Toad, 4.5 inches in length and the establishment’s 2 inches in girth, he is well below the average namesake?

This question was size for an American Furthermore, tickling my thoughts Toad. when I decided to stay at the luster of his mucus

TOAD

John Blair BK ’16 is a lot like his handshake: warm and gentle, platonic, yet tender.

I had heard of John before from several girls who referred to him as their best friend,

and from many others who chimed in with a collective “Awww” whenever his name was mentioned within a hundred foot radius.

Now, having met him myself, I can confirm:

membrane is fairly dull, so, needless to say, female amphibians are not dropping their metaphorical panties at the sight of this small, dull individual. If these females knew who he was though, it would be a whole other story.

Arriving at his mansion, he immediately invited me into his parlor where he showed off his collection of scotches, Winchester rifles, and mounted frog heads (he explained that he was wealthy enough to be racist). He then poured us some scotch into a couple of laserengraved tumblers with the grace of a 4.5 inch amphibious billionaire playboy who knows a thing or two about fine scotch. What I mean John Blair is so nice!!!

Naturally, I had my suspicions, but John really is as nice as he appears, from his Peruvian-knit hat to his velcro shoes.

“Once I punched him in the face, just to see what he would do,” said his roommate.

“He apologized.”

John names Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. as his influences, along with his mother.

“She’s my world,” he noted with a smile. “My John has always been nice,” said Mrs. Blair in a phone interview, “But he never leaves me alone. I thought I would finally

by this is that he lacks opposable thumbs, so it took a little while.

His persistence was admirable though.

It is this very persistence that allowed Toad to break into the nightclub scene.

He first worked as a bouncer (a tough job for someone so small) and then a club manager (a tough job for someone

who can’t speak) before finally saving enough money to buy the space that would become Toad’s.

His hobbies include gardening, skeet shooting, and hibernating during the winter.

His favorite food is filet mignon (he explains that all toads enjoy it but rarely get the chance to eat it in the

wild, as flies are more abundant than perfectly cooked steaks), his favorite T.V. show is Parks and Recreation, and his current favorite musician is Jason Mraz.

Oh, and he loves Aaron Carter.

get a break after he left for college, but now I find little notes all over the house saying ‘I love you’ or ‘World’s Best Mom.’ I literally cannot get away. Help me. Kill me.”

John spends most of his waking hours in orphanages, animal shelters, and the friend zone, but on a Friday night, you may even see him at Toad’s. “I’m not so big on dancing, but if you arrive early enough, you can usually grab a table,” John began. “I guess you can crochet standing up, too, but it’s much easier sitting down.” After finishing a potholder or doily, John hands them out to the beautiful women

of Toad’s. While this people with disabilities hasn’t proved to be the to use recycled most successful method materials to create of picking up girls, shelters for stray dogs Andrea Coleman MC in Africa, then training ’16 found it endearing. the dogs to be Seeing “John’s a really nice Eye dogs for those guy—definitely a who are both blind and change of pace from poverty-stricken.

In most of the guys here. the future, he plans on But he’s just a little starting a non-profit that too nice. I made it very aims to end domestic obvious that I violence among was into him, endangered and at the end turtles. Hearing of the night he this, I couldn’t just shook my most personable help but ask, hand and told NICE GUY “Why do you me my outer do it? Who beauty was is all of this nothing compared to for?” His response was my inner beauty. It was simple: “I do it for the really sweet, but what children.” the hell…”

John loves children.

John’s latest project involves employing – L. CONE

JOHN BLAIR

– B. BEITLER

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org See this dude right here? This is Kevin Raja TD ’17. He lives in the suite across from yours, and we’re about 99.7 percent sure that he’s the fucker who’s stealing your toothpaste (the 0.3 percent of uncertainty is

Who is the hottest, smartest, funniest, most toe-tappably tappable, and most colorful group on campus?

Ta n g l e d Up in the Red Hot and New Blue, Yale’s premier coed musical improv cheeseand-beer enthusiasts troupe. Oh, you haven’t heard of them? That’s funny, because they are more diverse than the Whiffenpoofs, sing better than YCC, and are younger than Peter Salovey. What do they do? Everything, we presume, and they probably do it really well.

“We’re just really into colors, and energy, and

because I’ve walked in on that weirdo Eugene a few times, literally squeezing toothpaste into his hands and eating it; it’s very possible that he might have run out of his own by now). You might be wondering, how could Kevin have a great personality if he’s the fucker who’s stealing my toothpaste? Well, you see, Kevin’s story runs a little deeper than the luminal cavities of your now-halfempty toothpaste tube; deeper than the pain filling Eugene’s bitter, lovesick heart; deeper than the solo cup that fuels me as I write this alone in my room at 1 am

on a Friday night.

Conversing with me in the dental hygiene section of Walgreens, Kevin opened up about the hidden reason for his kleptomaniac tendencies: he harbors a deep, inexplicable, and overwhelmingly passionate sexual attraction toward toothpaste. “The smooth curves of the tube, the false promises of brilliant white teeth, and the cool, exhilarating feeling in your— specifically your— mouth—they’ve all charmed me more than any woman, man, or animal could ever hope to,” Kevin said, musing between Spearmint and Citrus Blast flavors.

That’s another thing as well; there are so many options for Kevin to choose from. “I’m not a

music and acting and stuff,” says TUIRHNB member Alicia

about diversity, having a good time, and doing a lot of drugs,” says the group’s president, Jamison Flynn ES most personable ‘15. “That’s ACAPELLA GROUP why we’re so into colors.

Snaggleton BR ’16. “We We all do a lot of LSD want to bring that passion together before every to Yale’s campus through show. And before every the things that we do, of rehearsal.” And what which there are a lot.” about their famous afterThis reporter, who is all parties? “We sometimes about passion and doing do LSD at those, too, but lots of things, supports after the cheese and beer TUIRHNB’s mission to we mostly just drink bring life to a cold, dead, chocolate milk and eat dreary campus through animal crackers,” Flynn the magic of the arts. confesses.

And through the magic “The best thing of being really attractive, about TUINHNB is which they also have. the community,” says And, apparently, member Anastasiathe magic of substance Esperanza Yu TC ‘17. abuse. “TUINHNB is all “Everyone is super

TANGLED UP IN RED HOT AND NEW BLUE

23

prejudiced man; I don’t to me as he sat in the like to discriminate,” dentist’s chair. Dr. he told me. “From Goldberg’s really Bubblegum to Grape, puzzled.

I’ve tried them all. I Kevin really isn’t even had a sure where fling with his fetish for a Bacontoothpaste flavored came from, most personable one once— or how the KEVIN, WHO’S ALSO m a s s i v e kinky.”

DEFINITELY STEALING After YOUR TOOTHPASTE amount of paying toothpaste for the toothpaste (he he’s ingesting every purchased both of them), month is affecting his Kevin walked with me body, but one thing’s to the nearby dentist’s for sure to him: other office. Apparently, he people are neglecting makes appointments their toothpastes, and every week, and pays he’s putting a stop to for them in full; Dr. that. “Every time I steal Goldberg’s really someone’s toothpaste, puzzled. Every time, I save them from a Kevin makes sure he lifetime of loneliness gets his complementary and despair (them being toothpaste. “Sometimes, the toothpaste). They I get shit-faced drunk, much prefer being strip naked, and slather used for my sexual my entire body in the pleasures than for the stuff,” Kevin related dental hygiene of my

suitemates, especially that Eugene kid.”

And that’s why we’re including Kevin on our list of 50 Best Personalities: for being unafraid to share his true passions, and strong enough to do something about them.

We live in a society where it’s all too easyand encouraged-to hide your true emotions and conform to the norm.

We need more people like Kevin around, to show that it’s okay to be different, and okay to be proud of what you love.

Not to mention, he has an amazing smile.

supportive of each other, which is especially important when you’re always high, because sometimes things are just too much and you literally can’t stand up.”

This reporter agrees that their community seems pretty awesome, especially because of all the free alcohol, which is

probably taste like pineapple. But in the meantime, you can find them practicing their jazz polka on the top of East Rock with beer bottles in hand, and looking hella good while they do it.

KEVIN RAJA

so great.

So what’s next for these champs? “We’re planning to team up with the Purple Crayon for an extended collaborative exploration of ‘color mixing,’” says Flynn.

This reporter is looking forward to seeing the metaphorical fruits of their labor, which will

– J. SHI

– N. WARREN

24

RECORD

yalerecord.org

They say smart is the Record wouldn’t mind new sexy, and Kelly receiving his D – if you Shagan, Clark Professor know what we mean. of Philosophy at Yale, Now, Kelly might definitely gets our seem like a moral neurons firing guy, but (by which we he clearly mean we want isn’t afraid to fuck him to break ;) ;) ). He’s most personable c e r t a i n known around PHILOSOHOTTIE r u l e s . campus for When this his legendary Record four digit citation count reporter entered his (size matters!) and his office to interview him, forceful arguments he was taking a rip from against “common a four-foot bong with sense” views of morality the words “420 SWAG – all we know is that he DOE” embossed on the could talk us into doing stem. bad things with him any “Burning Bush Kush time. Of course, he’s – best strain you can also famous for being get in this town,” he the only professor explained after finally willing to give grades exhaling and offering lower than a B at Yale. me a hit. I had to And although most turn him down due to students are afraid of Record policy (we are getting D’s from Kelly, a strictly Martian Mean it’s probably safe to Green publication when say that we here at the it comes to weed). After

KELLY SHAGAN

he was done calling me “a soft-ass little bitch” for refusing, the conversation turned to weightier matters befitting a man of his philosophical stature.

“Have you ever thought about, like, fuckin’ planes?” he asked me after staring blankly into space for a few moments.

“Planes are dope shit – we can literally fly anywhere we want to go. Literally.”

This bold statement took me aback. “Are you trying to imply that in the modern era, the biggest challenge to morality is the freedom that technology has given us?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“That’s exactly what I was – wait, are you a cop?”

He’s definitely more than just a hottie with a body – it’s not every 50 Best interview where someone forces you to question your very identity!

“Well, I don’t think I’m a cop,” I said, playing along with his thought experiment.

“But maybe I am! As philosophy teaches us, identity is fluid.”

“Truuuuuuu,” he

responded. “Maybe I’M a cop. Wouldn’t that be crazy? A cop smoking weed?” This reductio ad absurdum induced a giggle fit. I could tell that I was dealing with a mind advanced far beyond my own.

I ended up accepting his offer of a hit, and we palavered late into the night, mainly discussing whether or not tacos constitute the

good life.

Clearly, Kelly Shagan is merely a man, but he is the kind of man that legends are made of. Next time your suitemate needs a screw date, an ounce of that sweet sticky icky, or an essay grade to deflate his disgustingly bloated ego, you know who to call.

When we first he calls the Big Sticks encountered Steve, he of Nature. was speaking softly “I feel a great and carrying connection a big stick. to nature, ya Here at the feel? It’s like, Record, we nature is all most personable appreciate about being REINCARNATION OF a big stick.

A DEAD PRESIDENT a w e s o m e , W h e n and so am I. we sobered up, we Wait, was that a trust decided to talk to him, that just walked by? to discover the man Hold on, I gotta break behind that abnormally it.” large penis.

Steve, who almost Though he isn’t much matriculated at a of a conversationalist different university (he (he spent the whole got off the waitlist at interview talking the last minute because about the threat of big the student in his place business and polio), was assassinated), he has many other has already made a redeeming qualities. big splash on campus.

He loves the outdoors, He quickly invaded especially trees, which the YPU and shook

up politics as usual, forming a new Progressive Party that is known for loud speeches and strange bull and moose fights conducted in the basement of LC. His love for politics is so strong that he once continued giving a speech after he was shot for some reason. Talk about passion!

Although we do have many reincarnated presidents walking among us, Steve is by far the most personable.

Jamal Fredericks, Davenport junior and the reincarnation of William Taft, was too busy being stuck in a bathtub to respond

to my text. More like stuck up in a bathtub, am I right? And Harold White, Morse senior and the body inhabited by the spirit of Andrew Jackson, has tried to evict the Native American Culture Center from their house one time too many.

According to students close to Steve, he is a hands-on leader who demands the best.

Students even closer to him say that, despite the hard exterior, he’s just a big teddy bear.

However, don’t try to wed him too fast, ladies – he has major trust issues.

STEVE JOHNSON

I know what you’re thinking: there are so many students here who have the souls of dead presidents inside of them! How could one be any more personable than the others? First of all, stop thinking so

much, it’s ruining your complexion.

Second of all, the decision was really quite easy once we met Steve Johnson MC ’18, the reincarnation of beloved deceased president Teddy Roosevelt.

– I. GONZALEZ

– B. RUDEEN

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org the years. A three-foot tall mountain of pure cocaine is piled in the corner like something you might expect to see at Harvard. During our conversation, he slowly sips brandy out of something that very much resembles a human skull.

Parker has only expanded his operations since his freshman most personable He’s has CRIMINAL MASTERMIND/ year.

WONDERFUL, AMAZING, c o o r d i n a t e d MOST BRILLIANT PERSON EVER massive drug s m u g g l i n g can’t get in the U.S. operations from the Yale unless you’re a mobster Post Office. Moreover, or a politician or you he facilitated changes the chemistry sing raps. He doesn’t to actually smoke, he curriculum which has informs me, but he likes led to students in 117L to offer them to people lab section cooking the and tell them that they purest crystal meth east will never breathe in of New Mexico. But anything this expensive it’s important for Parker again. (He has clearly that he remembers never met Andrew to give back. “The Micah ’15, last year’s community has been Most Beautiful Victim good to me, so I want of Platinum Inhalation to help out, you know?” he says, gesturing with Syndrome.)

Parker, who is known a frighteningly large in online communities knife he seems to have as El Gran Diablo del produced from thin air.

Infierno, was already “I funnel a lot of the quite accomplished money from my hit by the time he got to men into a local after Yale. He tells Record school program. Some that by the time he was of them even help out at 16, he had contributed the YMCA. They teach to the U.S. financial kids to read and stuff.”

He pauses for a meltdown and toppled the government of moment. “I am the one Panama via a complex who knocks,” he adds.

At this point, a large plot involving two thousand gallons of albino man, at least 300 molasses and llama- pounds of pure muscle, mounted machine emerges from a closet guns. As we settle in and places a large hand for the interview, I on my shoulder. His notice the spoils of grip is as strong as a his large and varied fully grown gorilla and I dealings throughout begin to lose circulation

25

Herschel Parker MC ’17 doesn’t look like too much at first glance.

The New Jersey-born computer science major smiles confidently as we sit down to talk in his common room.

He offers me a Cuban cigar. The kind that you

HERSCHEL PARKER

in my left arm. “So,” he says to the Record reporter, seated in an expanding puddle of his own excrement. “I hear you have family in Pennsylvania. It’d be a real shame if they had an accident.” I agree with him that it would be a real shame.

Herschel is truly one of the most wonderful, beautiful and welladjusted students—I mean people—I’ve ever met. It was a complete honor to interview this fantastically intelligent, altruistic, and completely nonpsychotic human being.

I was just exaggerating the amount of drugs and weaponry in his room, and he would certainly never hurt anyone.

What, you think he’s making me write this?

Don’t be silly – there’s definitely not a gun pointed at my head right now. Of course

he didn’t blackmail the Record to run a positive story about him. What a ridiculous concept!

– C. HALL

26

RECORD

Here at the Record, we like a man who’s close to the land—they tend to be better at plowing, after all. So when we met Josh “Nugmaster” Covington, the Yale Farm’s Director of Special Projects, we knew we had to put him on the list. Josh is well known for being the “most chill” member of the Yale Farm community. The Record talked to Josh to find out why—and to find out if we can get involved in his “Special Projects” (by which we mean his penis!).

When this Record reporter entered Josh’s off-campus house (a shack near the farm), he started the interview right away by asking the first question: “Are you a fucking narc?” Within seconds, Josh was taking off this reporter’s shirt

yalerecord.org to “check for a goddamn wire”—feisty! This guy likes to get straight to the point, ladies.

than weed,” so he’s in charge of “growing and selling huge amounts of plants that are as far from being weed Josh quickly as possible around the explained that the farm.” When prompted security measures were for specifics, he told us he grows “those green completely necessary.

“The thing is, I’m leafy plants, with the the head of…um…the flowers, um, you know, the plants with seeds and stuff.” Nothing like a man with a green thumb—we’re most personable sure he makes great FARMHAND salads with those green leafy plants!

And, oh, the things he can do with his thumb! opposite of an illegal At that point in the underground cannabis interview, a gigantic bald growery and distribution network using the Yale man with a jagged scar Farm as a flimsy cover on his face kicked in the story,” Josh told us. door. “WHERE’S MY “Yeah. Whatever the FUCKING SHIPMENT, opposite of that is. So I JOSH?” he demanded as Josh quivered cutely. have to be careful.”

Josh went on to “Do you know who the explain that he was an fuck I am? I’ve made expert with “plants other men eat their own

tongues for less than this shit, and I’ll – oh shit, sorry are you in a meeting?”

“Yeah,” Josh replied cutely. “Do you think you could come back later? Say, 5:00 or so?”

“My bad. I can come back then.”

Josh explained that it can be challenging to run a small business; he has to keep customers happy, make sure he’ll make

a profit, and memorize obscure facts, like what caliber bullet it takes to pierce a Mexican cartel member’s Kevlar vest at 500 yards. But Josh is clearly up to the challenge!

“Yeah, it can be hard sometimes,” Josh said as he peeked out between the slats of the blinds covering his window and sent some frantic texts. “But the

look of satisfaction on my customers’ faces?

The feeling of making your own money? The knowledge that the mob won’t slaughter my family as long as I continue to produce 400 kilos a month without letting the cops catch wind of anything? That’s what makes it all worth it.”

probably all in awe of how effortlessly attractive he manages to be while he saves the world from global climate poverty inflation and other serious social ills.

But Gregory (or Greg, as this reporter likes to call him) is also just a regular guy, whose primary interests include “talking to my colleagues and eating this lunch in peace.” On long, lazy weekends, he likes to “eat brunch with my colleagues off-campus where undergraduate reporters can’t bother me.” Greg is the quintessential professornext-door; in fact, this reporter has learned from WhitePages.com that he lives at 498 Orange Street, just a hop-skipand-a-jump away from

campus. An anonymous source has confirmed that Greg is single, and that he has one cat and some really classy plaid pajama pants, which he sometimes wears shirtless while eating ice cream and reading the New York Times on weeknights at 11 pm. The anonymous source confirms that Greg is incredibly hot.

Even without this intrepid investigation, it is evident to this reporter that Greg is drop-dead handsome and has a great body. “I really would like to speak to you at a different time, if at all possible,” he laughs, in reply to a comment about his killer hair. As he sits in the TD dining hall (which he praises as being “really nice because most of the undergrads usually

don’t come here”) eating chicken tenders and spinach salad, this reporter can’t help but admire how well-defined his jaw is. He also has really perfect teeth, which is obvious when he says “actually it’s my friend Ralph’s birthday, okay?

We’re just trying to have a nice casual lunch in the

true. He is incredibly supportive of his friends, one of whom notes that “Dr. Walker is a fantastic professor, but don’t you have class now? You’re going to be late! It’s okay, you can run, and we’ll talk to you later.” Greg is also great at the essential academic skill of asking insightful questions, such as “What publication are you writing for?” and “Could you please just go away?” And, let’s not forget, he’s incredibly hot. Ladies, get in line: when this reporter last saw Greg, he was high-tailing it out of TD, leading a gaggle of undergrads going to “lecture.”

JOSH COVINGTON

Some people are so important, popular, and attractive that they’re always incredibly busy being important, popular, and attractive.

Dr. Gregory Walker, William Shakespeare Napoleon Jefferson professor of Comparative Political Literature and Cognitive Economics, is one of

those people. He’s so popular, in fact, that he is “eating lunch with some colleagues right now, so could we maybe do this interview later,” which this reporter presents as another example of how important and accomplished he is. He has many important colleagues, who are

GREGORY WALKER most personable PROFESSOR EATING WITH HIS ADULT FRIENDS WHO JUST WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE RIGHT NOW

forty minutes between all of our lectures,” which is a really hot thing to say.

Basically, Greg is any undergrad’s dream come

– I. GONZALEZ

– N. WARREN

APRIL 2014

yalerecord.org

When we sat down for coffee with Wolf Ucker (BR ’17) on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, we recognized him immediately from his Yale Facebook picture…and our own fantasies. He had a

jawline that could cut diamond and smile that could melt steel, if jawlines and smiles did such things. We had no way to know, but we assumed that chiseled abs rippled beneath his ill-fitting t-shirt.

You’ve probably seen Nathan Aronson BK ’18 in the Whitney Humanities Center furiously flipping through his copy of Homer’s Iliad, Dante’s Inferno or “The Aristotle,” as he likes to call it. Recently, we were lucky enough to catch up this intrepid reader, the only one the Record could find who claimed to have done all of the reading for Directed Studies.

When we walked into his common room, we could tell he was the real deal. Thirty-pound books were stacked on the coffee table with one opened book off to the side. There were even stains blotched

everywhere on the pages.

He was quick to explain,

NATHAN ARONSON most personable DS STUDENT WHO HASN’T DONE THE READING

“Oh, yeah, I spilled tea on my old pal Plato just as I was finishing up his third work. You know, the one where he talks about souls? I enjoyed the first one better, though. It was more… you know, it was sooooo Plato.”

When asked for his favorite part of Plato’s Republic, he answered, “I just love how he characterizes

Wolf had insisted we meet at Willoughby’s.

We asked why, and he cryptically replied, “I like to hear the Harkness bells. The sound is… [audible sigh]… something else.” So mysterious! So dreamy!

So mysterious and dreamy!

Wolf, for his part, embraces the aura of mystery. In fact, he responded enigmatically to all of our questions, and eventually refused to continue. We asked about his major and he told us, “There’s something so sexy about architecture,” but wouldn’t provide specifics. It was no surprise to us when Wolf said that one of his favorite things about Branford was the architecture. “I just really love thick, hard rock.

Especially when there’s so much of it,” he said,

“and I just love how the shaft of the tower thrusts into the sky.”

“A lot like a penis,” he added.

We asked about extracurriculars, and he told us he had been in the Guild of Carillonneurs, but was kicked out. We followed up with some of the cagey Quazimodos, but they responded with ashen faces and awkward coughs, each one simply stating that the details of Wolf’s dismissal were “not appropriate for polite conversation.”

Wolf comes from a big family. He lives with five siblings on a Nebraska farm. The landscape around this scrumptious sophomore’s home is dotted with grain silos, which he said have contributed to his love of all things hard and cylindrical. He and his brothers and sisters were brought up by their

single mom, Steph. This badass mother Ucker, in addition to raising a son with a fondness for

the republicans and, you know, the democrats, and how they create this epistemological dialectic of Truth which reminds me of, you know, that part in the Odyssey where the guy does an odyssey.”

So what’s contributed to his impressive reading skills? He, of course, knows. To demonstrate, Aronson climbs on his coffee table to take off the top book—Herodotus’ History. “I’m a careful reader. I underline, I highlight, I annotate,” he boasted, pointing at the first and last lines of each page. As he reached each illegible scribble in the margins, Aronson makes sure to explain. “Uhh… yeah, so this note I made

says, ‘Irony,’ because, you know, in a sense, it makes me feel like he’s writing with so much perspective and bias and metaphor… it’s so ironic.

Herodotus is just such a genius when he writes about, you know, history and stuff.”

Things weren’t always like this, according to him. There were darker days before he applied to Directed Studies. “In high school, I Sparknoted, Cliffnoted, Schmooped, Wikipedia-ed, but I definitely don’t do that anymore,” he assured, “Oh definitely not. They don’t even have Tacitus’ Annals on ENotes. Even after you pay for the full article, it’s just a

plot summary. Which I didn’t read, obviously. I mean, come on. That’s for patricians. No, I mean plebeians. Wait, no… yeah, plebeians.”

He even keeps reading calendars on his suite’s walls to show everyone how much he’s been reading.

It helps him to stay organized, he says. “See, this is August,” he says, pointing at a calendar’s front page. “I mean, it’s empty because of Camp Yale, but trust me, the rest of the pages are totally filled up.”

How does he manage all of this work? No one will ever know. Nathan Aronson, on the other hand, seems to have it

27

more straightforward about was his ideal woman. “She has to be tall,” he said, “and durable, like stone.” If his type wasn’t specific enough, he added, “I also like them a bit most personable older. And pealing ARCHITECTURE LOVER bells are a must.”

We assumed he was erect towers, also ran the talking about her voice, but maybe not. He has a entire farm.

We talked to Wolf’s funny way of speaking. suitemates about his In any case, the man habits. “Most of the knows what he wants. time, Wolf’s a normal Wolf brought just as guy,” they told us, much certitude to his “But sometimes, he’ll answer to our question disappear for hours about his favorite place and return smelling of on campus. “I just love mortar.” Other times, to be inside Harkness they told us, “he’ll hear Tower,” he told us with a the Harkness bells start very graceless wink. “It playing—they’re very feels so good to literally loud in our suite—and be inside it. Literally he’ll just freeze and, having sex with it. Just ahem, excuse himself to doing it with the wall.” his room.”

“Then he’ll – S. SAVITZ masturbate,” they added.

The one thing this quirky Casanova was

WOLFGANG “WOLF” UCKER

all figured out. “Reading for DS is an art,” he illustrates, “Some days I’m a selective-pointillist.

But most days, I prefer the more thorough minimalism that I read about in Nietzsche’s plays.”

– A. ZHANG

28

RECORD

There this Record desperately tried to come reporter was in CHEM up with a pick-up line 220, seeing how many based on what she said.

Australian biscuits Luckily, this reporter is he could name just quick in every aspect of life (that’s by looking at right, ladies, them, while can’t teach the professor natural explained the speed), and recrystallization most personable he totally of salicylic acid.

THAT FRESHMAN thought He had zero idea WHO DID SOMEthis what was going THING LIKE THIS IN of HIGH SCHOOL line in the on—I mean, moment and how are you supposed to distinguish definitely not that night a Jatz Original and a Jatz lying alone in bed.

“You may have done Clix without examining something like that texture or smell?

Anyways, all of a in high school, but I sudden, Sofia Sound bet you’ve never done ’18 raised her hand. anything like THIS,” “Excuse me,” she said, this reporter said while “but I actually did gesticulating towards his something like this in groin area, to totally not imagined applause. high school…”

And so this reporter Wowzers!

This reporter was so turned journeyed to see just on that he abandoned his what else Sound had Australian biscuits and done in high school.

yalerecord.org First stop, ENGL 114.

“I had just assigned an analytic essay on Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, when Sound’s hand shot up.” Professor Lamar Bunjo said. “She said she had actually done something like that in high school, by which she meant she had written an essay.

And although it turned out it was on The Great Gatsby and had nothing to do with what we were talking about, it was still quite impressive.”

OK, two for two is good. But as this reporter is fond of saying, one is interesting, two could be a coincidence, but three is a motif—and the number of sexual partners this reporter has had (that’s right ladies, can’t teach experience).

So this reporter made one final trek, to Sound’s

biology professor.

“I was explaining my life’s work in class—an original experiment that just that day had finally determined the origins of life, the universe, and everything,” Professor Jurgen Klint said. “I was pleasantly surprised when Sofia interrupted to say that she had done something like that in high school. She, too, had done an experiment!

Hers was just a little different. She showed people colors—like the word “purple”—spelled in different color ink— like orange—to see if people would say the name of the color or the color it was printed in.

Fascinating!”

Wow. Potential suitors, if, like this reporter, you are interested in taking Sound on a date (and why wouldn’t you be?),

you had better make sure it is the most original date idea ever (this reporter is thinking ‘bird internet’).

Because odds are, if it is something that has ever been done, Sound did

“Egan Borello “He’s so hot, he’s burned to a cinder long SY ’17 is so hot!” literally wreathed in ago!”

“How hot is he?” flames, and should have So goes the old joke. But what you may not know is that Egan Borello SY ’17 is a real student—and he’s just as smokin’ as the joke would have you think.

“Owwwww ow ow ow ow ow! SHIT! HELLLLLLP!” he tells us about his Yale experience, adding, “You have no idea how this feels! Why won’t you DO something?!?”

Egan, or “Fire Bro” as he’s more commonly called, is a legendary figure on campus, known for his smoldering

good looks and increasingly creative pleas for assistance.

“Most people who are always inexplicably on fire are like, ‘Excuse me, can you put me out today?’ every single time you walk past,” noted one passerby.

“Fire Bro switches it up though. Yesterday, he screamed, ‘There are so many fire extinguishers on campus!

PLEAAAAAASE!!!!’

It’s a nice touch.”

Despite his wide recognition as that guy on Cross Campus engulfed in a mighty inferno, most Yalies don’t know anything about him, not even his name. “Wait, Fire Bro has a name? Weird,” reported his roommate.

“Well, I’ve never had a some water? Like that class with him. I think. would do anything,” a student accustomed to his appeals later told us. “He needs to just, I don’t know, tell us how most personable we can help.”

GUY WHO’S “ T H A T ’ S ALWAYS ON FIRE FOR SOME REASON LITERALLY ALL I DO!” Egan then yelled from the other Can’t be sure, but I side of Cross Campus. just feel like I would “You’re right about have noticed if he were the water though, it there.” really does (ooh, that It’s a bit disheartening still hurts) nothing. to watch Egan as he Nothing— fuck!—at goes about his day. We all. Might as well be kept count, and he made lighter fluid. OW!!”

248 petitions for succor Oh, Fire Bro. What a in just five hours, but all sense of humor! of them were ignored by passing students, – E. CAMPBELLand also by us. “I mean, TAYLOR I do want to help guys like Fire Bro, but how could I? Give them

SOFIA SOUND

EGAN BORELLO

something like it in high school.

– A. KINNANE

APRIL 2014

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