The All-American Issue

Vol. 143, No. 6

THE YALE

Mar. 2, 2015

RECORD

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The Yale Record ALL-AMERICAN ISSUE

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Mailbags & Snews

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Editorial................... S. Stern

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Shorts

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Features.................... Staff & Contributors FOX BEHIND FOX NEWS DIES AT NINETEEN

G. Ambrose

FREUD INTERPRETS AMERICAN DREAM

G. Johnson

NATION RENAMED WAL-MART STATES OF AMERICA

R. Bhandari

NICOLAS CAGE ARRESTED

L. Cone

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RECIPE FOR US MELTING POT

A. Ringlein

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UNCLE SAM’S FAMILY TREE

C. Hall

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AMERICA INVADES ATLANTIS

C. Hall

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47 STATES I COULD NAME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

A. Gertler

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HOW AMERICAN ARE YOU?

J. Lancione

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Dear judge, Just because the people of Illinois voted you into your position, that doesn’t give you the right to make snide comments about a person’s life choices!

Your husband, Doug Dear Doug, That might be true, if your “life choice” hadn’t been “murdering three police officers.” Hope you enjoy twenty years in federal prison!

Your loving wife, Stephanie

BERKELEY JUNIOR MOUNTS DEER HEAD ON WALL, ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY Dear God, Dear god.

—What have I done?

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Shorts

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Mailbags & Snews

SCIENTISTS BREAK GROUND WITH NEW FRACKING RESEARCH, ALSO KILL LOCAL FAUNA

Dear Brian Williams, You have about as much real combat experience as Mickey Mouse!

—Donald Duck, who is trying to slander Mickey, a 12-year veteran of the US Navy

My fellow Americans, Now, this may seem like a drastic idea- but hear me out. What if—and just listen—what if, for a full day, we just turned laws off? Now, this may seem like a terrible concept that will not only result in thousands of deaths and will almost certainly insure that we will never regain law and order, but I really think this might miraculously solve all our problems.

—That one Senator who came up with the idea for “The Purge”

Dear Library Security, You aren’t so great. Sure, when you say “Book him,” we all get a delightful chuckle, but that doesn’t mean you can taser a man for stealing a book about how to steal books.

—A man who was just caught by a library security guard and who still isn’t good at stealing books

DIRTY DISHES IN SINK HAVE BECOME REPRESENTATIVE OF BIGGER ISSUE, REPORTS SCOWLING WIFE

Dear America, I love you. I love how free you are. I love your work on Ugly Betty.

—A man who’s in love with America Ferrera

DESSERTED ISLAND FOUND TO BE FULL OF CAKE

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NEW ABC REALITY SHOW SPINOFF Fine “DANCING WITH THE STARS” PUTS Indian D-LIST CELEBRITIES ONCuisine A ROCKET TO THEIR INEVITABLE HEAT DEATHS AT THE CORE OF THE SUN

“A treat for the senses.”

—Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes.”

—New York Times

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

BEAUTY SEEKS BEAST

Hours

Dear Cancer, Lunch You’re such an11:30 illusion, a fragment Monday - Saturday: AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM 3:00 PM of an idea that can’t take me down.

Because I’m too strong for you. I’m also Dinner several- million light years Sunday Thursday: 5:00 PM -away, 10:00too.

PM Friday - Saturday: - 10:30 PM —Drunk5:00 NeilPM DeGrasse Tyson, stargazing

Fast, Free Delivery

Dear NeilDay DeGrasse Tyson, Every Lunch Buffet We found a tumor in your left ventricle.

148 York Street, You have New twoHaven, months to live.

CT 06511 203-776-8644 —His doctor www.zaroka.com

WITNESSES STUCK IN MOLASSES WATCHING CATASTROPHIC TRAIN DERAILMENT CAN’T FIND APPROPRIATE SIMILE TO DESCRIBE SITUATION Dear pole vaulter, What do you call someone who starts doing really well in a congressional race all of a sudden? A poll vaulter!

—Someone about to get stabbed with a pole-vaulting pole To Whom it May Concern, I am sitting on thousands of pounds of explosives, so this may concern everyone. You must do what I say, and what I say is this: dance.

—A dance instructor whose classes were poorly attended before now but who somehow just got his hands on a lot of explosives so he could finally live out his dream of watching people dance

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LOCAL DAIRY PRODUCERS DEMAND AN M-I-L-K DAY Dear Spoon, I am not you.

Dear Spoon, Am I you?

—Fork

—Spork

Dear Spoon, I am not you.

—Spoon who has been in the mental hospital for some time now

‘LAWN CHAIRS? MORE LIKE YAWN CHAIRS,’ REPORTS LOCAL MAN WHO HATES LAWN CHAIRS

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ROYAL DUTCH AIRLINES DEMANDS A KLM DAY Dear CS Professor, While working on the pset, I accidentally wrote a program that just prints the word “butts” on an infinite loop. I know that’s not exactly what you asked for, but since it’s almost certainly the best program I’ll ever write, can I just submit my code as is and get partial credit?

—Edwin Ford, ‘16 Dear Edwin, If by “partial credit,” you mean “automatic A in the class,” yes, yes you can.

—CS Professor

LOCAL PEDOPHILE ENJOYS THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE

BEAUTY SEEKS PROTECTION FROM BEAST

               



  

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Dear bag of tomato soup, Is that really the best way to transport tomato soup? Why not construct a small train track and put the soup on the train.

Oh, you would probably have to look out for train robbers in that case. You’re right, a bag is probably better.

—Jeff, who lived in a time before cans were invented

FUCK THE POLE LEASE, SAYS MAN IMPOVERISHED BY EXORBITANT POLE RENTAL FEES

Dear cow of a woman, Do you know where she is? I’ve tried asking everyone she knows. I thought you, a cow, might know.

—Friend of a woman Dear friend of woman, Moooooooo. Check the barn.

Moo, Cow of a woman

COCA-COLA RELEASES NEW CELL PHONE-FLAVORED DRINK TO APPEAL TO MILLENIALS

on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm

WORD PLAY NOT AS GOOD AS HUMAN PLAY, SAYS THEATER CRITIC Dear man wearing shirt that says “I don’t dial 911” and has a picture of a rifle on it, While we appreciate your obviously strong support of gun rights, we really want to make sure you understand that if, say, your house is on fire, you should definitely dial 911. Shooting at it is unlikely to help.

—The NRA

We deliver! Find us on Grubhub or call 203-782-6000

Emmy Waldman ‘11

ello, Yale. Come in, come in. I’ve been expecting you. I’m sure you’ve been told, ever since you arrived as a freshman, that Yale is such a “magical place” and you’ll “love it” and spend the “best years” of “your life” “here.” They gave you the tour and took you to the master classes and fed you all the good dining hall food during Bulldog Days. Over the last several years/months, you settled in oh-so-nicely. But we here at the Record feel honor-bound to tell you the truth. Yale is not what it seems.

Last month, on a night very much like tonight, the Record discovered a secret plot underway to change Yale from the collegial, collegiate place we all love so much to an evil and grotesque parody of itself. No longer content with just Yale-NUS, the administration has been forced to merge with a university in the most evil country of all: Sweden. They are trying to take our beloved school and turn it into…Yäle. And only we, the Record, can stop them. But to do that, we need your help…

It all started in our office. (305 Crown Street, Room 305, be sure to come by! If you survive.) The first thing we noticed was the smell.

Nick furrowed his brow. “Does that smell a little bit like…”

“Last month’s garbage?” said Sam. “Saybrook’s tofu scramble?” said Natalie.

“Murder!?” exclaimed Ben and Chris in unison.

“No, no!” cried Madeline, always a strong smeller, that one. “That’s the rotting carcass of NoLonger-Handsome Dan, President Salovey’s beloved mutt. She passed away last October in that tragic game of fetch gone horribly, horribly awry.” We all nodded knowingly.

“God, that smells awful,” said Aaron, a religious viewer of Scandal. “Quick! Let’s move the body in expert fashion and then work to accomplish our personal goals!”

We ran down the stairs and out into the parking lot behind 305 Crown. We turned left and then right, and there they were: vultures circling overhead, about 50 feet away, in the direction of Bar Pizza. (Four-and-a-half stars! Be sure to come by! If you survive.) Just as we were walking up with an old plastic bag, we saw a small, dapper man dart into the bushes.

Nick furrowed his brow once again. “Was that…”

“An architecture student, out for his daily four-minute dose of sunlight?” said Ian.

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“Richard Levin, back from the dead?” said Sahil.

“No, no!” cried Madeline, always a strong smeller, that one.

“That’s Swedish ambassador Sven Olafsson. But what’s he doing here?”

“Oh look, he dropped something,” said Daniel. “What is that?

It looks like some kind of…legal document.”

All eyes immediately turned to Mitchell, our wise legal counsel.

He stroked his long, white beard in thought. “It’s actually a ransom note,” he finally proclaimed. Mitchell read aloud: Dear President Salovey: We’ve dispatched with No-Longer-Handsome Dan in that tragic game of fetch gone horribly, horribly awry.

Next we’re coming for the statue of Nathan Hale on Old Campus. Unless you give us what we want! Come join forces with Blekinge Institute öf Technölögy…or else…

ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE SWEDISH CROWN. “Oh no!” Zach cried, the first to react. “We’ve got to do something!”

“They’re going to take Yale,” said Ben, beginning to cry, “And make it into…Yäle.” We all shuddered.

Come to think of it, Yale had been feeling awfully dreary and austere, recently—almost like a Swedish summer. And more students had been watching Frozen, hadn’t they? And a third

Aaron Gertler ’15 Chairman

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Swedish thing! “Oh God,” Sam said. “The conversion to Yäle has already begun. We’ve got to find President Salovey and stop this!”

Through a communal haze of tears, we hurried to President Salovey’s office. We rushed past the stunned receptionist and flung open the ornate oak doors, noticing in passing that they already bore the seal of Blekinge Institute öf Technölögy.

“What are you doing here?” President Salovey asked, startled.

We hastily explained.

“Ah, I think we’re doomed, children. I worry we can do nothing to stop this evil merger. Unless…well, there’s only one thing the Swedish fear.” He paused. “Laughter.”

“Laughter?” Ethan asked.

“Laughter. So I guess we’re doomed…that is, unless you can think of some brave heroes who will save us all…through their comedy writing…”

From that moment forward, we—America’s oldest college humor magazine—knew we would have to redouble our efforts.

And to do that, we would need help.

If you want to help fight the Swedish menace, you must join us on the New Haven Green to start training. 0500 tomorrow, bring your ice axes! If you can’t make it, then you can always start by coming to our weekly meetings in LC 209, on Mondays at 9:00 pm. We always have pizza…Swedes hate pizza. And freedom.

Please join us, fellow patriots. You’re the only chance we’ve got.

—S. Stern Editor-in-Chief

Scott Stern ’15 Editor-in-Chief

Natalie Warren ’17 Art Director

Sasha Rae-Grant ’18 Assistant Design Editor

Sam Savitz ’17 Business Manager

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Managing Editor

Sahil Gupta ’17 Online Editor

Zach Schloss ’15 Publicity Manager

Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor

Nick Goel ’16 Publisher Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor

Rachel Lackner ’17 Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Special Projects Director Staff Director

Ian Gonzalez ’16 Managing Editor

Ben Rudeen ’17 Managing Editor

Ben Garfinkel ’16 Supplementals Editor

Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Graham Ambrose ‘18, Brian Beitler ‘18, Louisa Cone ‘18, Amanda Corcoran ‘18, Valcy Etienne ‘16, Max Goldberg ‘17, Chasan Hall ‘18,

Mikayla Harris ‘17, Annelisa Leinbach ‘16, Mitchell Harris ‘16, Alison Mansfield ‘17, Victoria Kim ‘15, Tom McCoy ‘17, Archie Kinnane ‘18, Andrew Megerian ‘18, Joseph Kuperschmidt ‘16, Elizabeth Miles ‘17, Doo Lee ‘16, Isaac Morrier ‘17, Roger Lopez ‘18, Alex Ringlein ‘18,

Jonathan Rutter ‘18, Luchang Wang ‘17, Natalya Sanghvi ‘18, Madeleine Witt ‘15, Harrison Schneider ‘17, Alex Zhang ‘18 Justin Shi ‘18, Sarah Sukin ‘18, Teddy Thum ‘18, Lining Wang ‘15,

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Rishabh Bhandari ‘16, Serena Gelb ‘15, Gersham Johnson ‘18, John Lancione ‘17, Nolan Phillips ‘18

Special Thanks to: our new, amazing editorial board, our old, decrepit editorial board, legal counsel Mitchell Nobel ‘13 LAW ‘16, and free weekly pizza.

Cover:

This month’s cover was designed by Serena Gelb ‘15, who took our mumbling, bizarre idea and turned it into a glorious, ethnocentrism-themed work of art.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIII, No. 6, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2015 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN PROVERBS “Actions speak louder than words. Unless those words come from a white male. Then your words will be as loud and frequent.”

“All that glimmers is Not Gold™, a new gold alternative from Wal-Mart.”

“Necessity is the mother of intervention, Jack, we’re all here to support you.”

“A man is known by the company he keeps, and because companies are people man is also known by the people he keeps. And that’s ownership for you.

So basically slavery is okay, right? Oh hell, they’ll edit this before it reaches print. Pour me another whiskey, Deborah.”

“The road to hell is paved with Good Intentions™, a new brick alternative from Wal-Mart.”

“Too many chiefs, not enough Indians who will surrender to us.”

“The best things in life R-Free™, a new spearmintscented cologne from Wal-Mart.”

“Be the change you wish to see on your newsfeed.”

“Freedom for all since 1776”* “A bird in the hand is worth two to President Bush, who can’t count.”

“There’s no place Like Home™, a virtual-reality life simulator from Wal-Mart.” * Except black people, gays, Indians, women, Jews, Muslims, and the physically and mentally disabled.

—G. Ambrose

FIVE DECADES IN US HISTORY YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF 2027-2037: This is when your future child will have braces and cystic acne. He will also beg you to let him take ballet classes, which you will forbid because you are an Irish-dancing family, goddammit. He will never forgive you.

The 1JTT’s [pronounced JayteenTT’s]: It seems like just yesterday that America’s darling, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, became an unforgiving authoritarian leader whose oppressive regime brought our proud country into a dark age of Home Improvement reruns and middle parts.

Those Ten Years That Brad Spent Trapped in a Chick-Fil-A Parking Lot: Have you met Brad yet? No? Well, he spent ten years trapped in a Chick-Fil-A parking lot.

The Blorftian Years: Only 90’s kids will remember these ten spunky years between the 1980’s and the 1990’s! Bring out your floof hats and your gumpy boots cuz it’s time for a TBT. The Bear Era: You and everyone you know was turned into bears. No one remembers, which is why you’ve never heard of it.

—R. Lackner

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A TURKEY’S TAKE

L

ook, I get it. The mascot sector is a cutthroat, humaneat-turkey world, and sometimes promises can’t be kept. I just thought this opportunity was a lock; I thought he was different. Even though the whole experience makes me as embarrassed as that time my boss saw me dressing, I’m no chicken and I’m not afraid to let everyone know.

When Benjamin Franklin promised me that I was going to be the new mascot for the United States of America, I absolutely gobbled it up. I trusted him with every wishbone in my body.

But alas, it turns out Benjamin Franklin missed the third thing that is constant in life—you know, death, taxes, and your best Founding Father friend selling you out.

I remember his first pitch, when he was trying to recruit me. It was absolutely electric. “This country is locked right now,” he told me, “and what it needs is a tur-key.” How could I not join him? At that point, I was so on board, I would have followed Benjamin into battle headless.

But soon he started acting rather suspiciously. I started finding feathers on his clothes. Feathers that weren’t mine.

Whore feathers. And then there was that lingering smell of freedom that followed him everywhere. But I wasn’t certain that something was going on until I actually caught him in the Act of National Emblems. Turns out he’d gone behind my back and secured the mascotship for that fowl bald eagle. I was furious, and I felt so birdbrained!

I wouldn’t have been so upset, but I’d already made plans assuming I would have the level of financial and physical security that only comes from being Chief Mascot Officer of a large, successful nation like America. I had put a mortgage down on a pasture in the nicest part of the forest, and I had already quit my job at the bowling alley!

I guess I need to learn to not count my turkeys before they hatch.

Someday, I will hopefully be able to forgive Benjamin Franklin for what he did. But even if we do make up at some point down the line, one thing is sure: I will carry the sting of his betrayal all the way to the grave-y.

—A. Kinnane

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OTHER LIES GEORGE WASHINGTON DIDN’T TELL I’m comfortable with my appearance. Martha doesn’t mind the wooden teeth.

Valley Forge was, like, Pussyville 24/7.

The telegraph exists right now.

The fight for more affordable tea absolutely warranted your son’s death.

Alexander Hamilton’s dick is meh.

I am not saying these words, you are.

No, no, I’m totally Ben Franklin. I’m the one who ordered the sex.

I can bench-press every horse in the world, but not all at once.

I can bench-press every horse in the world, but not individually.

I’ve never vomited from crying too much.

I am from beyond the stars. All will bow before me.

I’m gonna fuck Barbara Streisand. Right now.

—E. Campbell-Taylor & B. Garfinkel

WAYS TO MAKE EUROPEAN FOOD BETTER FOR AMERICANS Genetically modify it to taste like butter Outsource its production to China Stuff a whole cow inside it Call it “pasteurized processed fortified food product” instead of “food” Call it “Russet Potato Mousselin Infused with Organic Rhode Island Red Egg, Shaved Celery and Ground Mustard” instead of “potato salad” Pressurize it and put it inside a recycled hand grenade for easy consumption Mold it into the shape of Kim Kardashian’s butt Use it to turn Central American immigrants into wage slaves Put a cartoon character on it Label it as “organic gluten-free paleo low-carb fat-free low-calorie free-range” Just turn it into bacon —N. Warren

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INTERVIEW WITH THE CHILD WHO WAS LEFT BEHIND

M

—J. Kuperschmidt

S. Rae-Grant

onday, April 7, 2003, was a day like any other for third-grader John Doe (né Adam Cohen) of Pleasantville, NJ. Doe rose from his race car bed, threw on his Shrek slippers, and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Fully awake, he realized that this was no ordinary day. This Monday brought with it the defining moment of his young life: the New Jersey Assessment of Skills and Knowledge and Overall Worth as a Child (day one of seventeen).

“I felt nervous, but confident,” Doe, now unsure of his age, remembers. “I had trained hard for months, but you could never know what might pop up. Long division about giraffe populations? Giraffe vocabulary words?

Triangles shaped like giraffes?”

That confidence never got a chance to shine. Doe, who shed a remorseful tear while recalling his story, felt a “tickle in his chest” and a “scratchiness” in his throat.

“My mom thought it was SARS,” he shares. “We were pretty sure it was SARS.” And like that, his ambitions were replaced by a twenty-one day voluntary quarantine. There would be no NJASKOWCing for him.

“There was a make-up test. On June 3,” he recounts with horror.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003, arrived like a dove in a battlefield – almost too peacefully. You could hear a Toaster Strudel pop from a mile away. Doe woke with an even greater sense of self and his abilities. “I looked in the mirror and saw both the strength of Clay Aiken and the charm of Ruben Studdard,” he said. But in that very same bathroom mirror, he spotted an unusual mark on his chin.

“My mom was pretty sure it was smallpox. You know, like, the early stages.” And so, another quarantine began, and another test was missed. Returning to the world after fifty-two days in solitary quarantine, Doe was equally relieved and crushed to learn that he simply had a pimple.

Unsure of the consequences, Doe returned to his school, Whitebread Elementary, in September. He was almost certain he’d have to repeat third grade, but he had made peace with this during his days alone. “I never could have guessed,” Doe says, “what would happen next.”

Doe had been erased. They hadn’t assigned him a teacher, he had no lunches on his meal card, and all of his

one friend ignored him. “They didn’t know what do with me. There was no place on the Scantron for ‘SARS and smallpox false alarms,’ and due to tight government regulations, another make-up exam was out of the question.”

The school, confused about the laws to which they’d been forced to adhere, panicked, and the administration burned every trace of Adam’s existence – going far beyond school records.

‘Was our response excessive? Sure,” said Whitebread principal Larry Fioritto when reached for comment.

“Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Am I willing to answer a third question? No.” “There’s no proof that I even exist. I was… a child left behind,” Doe insists, at this point visibly shaking. His mother, who has been voluntary quarantined since July 2003 for possible typhoid, could offer no assistance, but Doe has gotten by well enough on his own since then. He learned English (and French) from Muzzy, a furry green monster who lives in the television, and now works parttime at Qdoba Mexican Grill.

“Still,” he admits, “I think all the time about the things I didn’t get to do. I never went to Prom. I never got to walk at graduation. And I never took the presidential fitness test. I hear that’s a pretty big honor.”

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I’M PRETTY SURE THESE ARE CAPITAL CITIES Kansas City, Kansas Kansas City, Missouri Circuit City Party City South, Dakota South, Africa Paris, Texas Pineapple Washington Adams Jefferson Obama McDonald’s Canada La Guardia/JFK My Anaconda Wal-Mart Rack City Bitch

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SEXIEST BATTLES IN AMERICAN HISTORY Battle of the Bulge Battle of Man Asses Junction Carpet Bombing of Dresden (and yes, it matched the Drapes Bombing of Dresden) Battle of Antitties Attack on Pearl Necklace Harbor Battle of Ar-sex-dens The Ejaculation of Saigon Battle of Sara’s Toga (Sara was a real slut) Construction of the Vaginot Line The Tit Offensive Lee’s Surrender at Fappomattox Courthouse Battle of Midway Between the Buttcheeks Island Battle of Chancellorsville (the death of Stonewall Jackson just gets my motor running) —S. Savitz

—A. Zhang

THINGS WE HAVEN’T FRIED YET

LESSER KNOWN POEMS FROM GREAT US POETS

Water Weight-loss pills U.S. flag (edit: according to NBC News, Tennessee did so in 2006) The philosophical concept of love Semen (edit: refer to www.cookingwithcum.com) Canadian tears Patriotism Guns Taxes Re-refried beans Shame Balloons, probably Justin Bieber (however, soon to be roasted) Your parents’ disapproval The Chinese economy

“How to Harlem Shake,” by Langston Hughes “Damn It’s Cold,” by Robert Frost “Racism is Totally Gone,” by Maya Angelou “Prequel to My Magnum Opus: Grayscale in 50 Parts,” by Emily Dickinson “e.e. goings,” by e.e. cummings “That Time I Got Hit By a Car Because the Sidewalk Ended,” by Shel Silverstein “Two and Three-quarters Chains,” by Two Chains “Ode to making dinner (previously titled Butter Butter Butt)” by Paula Deen and Nicki Minaj “Kanye West” by Kanye West (feat. Kanye West) “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real,”

by Jaden Smith

—J. Shi

—S. Sukin and S. Sanghvi

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10 QUESTIONS WE ALL HAVE ABOUT THE 50 STATES (BUT WERE TOO AFRAID TO ASK)!

Hi, everyone! Have you ever thought about the Civil War, “immigration reform,” or Grover Cleveland, and said: why don’t I know what that is?! Well, this quiz will help you answer all those and more! Here’s the format: I’ve put together a list of ten questions I’ve always had about the USA (but was too afraid to ask), along with the answers that I found after some long nights of research. It just might make you a better American!

Now let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this fun little questionnaire!

Q: Why are there thirteen stripes on the American flag?

A: America was once a colony of a country in Europe now known as “England.”

Q: Okay, but why are there fifty stars?

A: Astronomy.

Q: But seriously: What’s up with Puerto Rico?

A: Puerto Rico is what’s known as a “territory.” It’s similar to an independent country owned by America, but they basically have less influence than the least important state (not to call anyone out, but WYOMING!) Q: What does E PLURIBUS UNUM mean?

A: “E PLURIBUS UNUM” is actually an anagram for “Grover Cleveland.”

Q: What exactly is this “Dream Act” everyone’s talking about?

A: I’ve gotta be honest with you: I didn’t really know how to answer this one, either! What I’ve gathered after a little research is that you take

MORE INVASIVE TSA PROCEDURES Patting down passenger Feeling up passenger Strip-searching passenger Taking an extra long time strip-searching passenger Hitting on passenger Complimenting passenger on her eyes Gently rubbing passenger’s arms Making inexplicitly inappropriate bomb jokes in an attempt to make passenger laugh

immigration, add thorough reform, heat to 180 degrees, must remain in oven until nice and fluffy. Served in bowl (ice cream optional) Q: What are all the time zones in America?

A: From East to West: Eastern → Central → ??? →Pacific → Alaska (?) → Hawaii/Philippines (?)

Q: How did Donald Trump get famous?

A: He was featured in many beloved American westerns throughout the mid-twentieth century before he became involved in politics, leading to presidential elections in 1980 and again in 1984.

Q: Why have we never had a woman president?

A: It’s all about the statistics! According to some historians, women make up only 15-20% of the United States population.

Q: Why do some people say that the Civil War was about “states’ rights”?

A: Fun fact: this is a traditional old wives’ tale that dates all the way back to the War of Northern Aggression! (Similar to “Rip Van Winkle” and “The Birth of a Nation”) Q: Are we really in THAT much debt? I mean, it’s a big economy, right?

A: We are in less debt than commonly perceived. America’s economy is actually prospering! I used to think it was worse, but if you watch even a single episode of Gossip Girl you’ll realize that it’s all just a bunch of fear-mongering.

—N. Phillips

Threatening to arrest passenger if she doesn’t give her number (jokingly, of course) Taking passenger on dates Meeting passenger’s parents Marrying passenger Having kids with passenger Growing bored of passenger Finding mistress to replace passenger Divorcing passenger Hoping passenger wasn’t a terrorist this whole time Cavity search —D. Megerian

T he A ll -A merican I ssue

15

WAYS TO DIE AS A TRUE AMERICAN

REASONS COMMUNISM SUCKS

Deep-fried and slathered in butter While insulting a Canadian Of a heart attack In a literal melting pot Turned in by your neighbor for being a dirty pinko commie bastard Run over by a herd of majestic bison Catching pneumonia after making out with George Washington’s dentures Sticking your head in Old Faithful While masturbating into a copy of the Constitution On Route 66, while getting your kicks Impaled on the white picket fence of your American Dream house in the suburbs, while your 2.5 children and dog watch, horrified While oppressing minorities

Forced redistribution of land Treating poor people as equal members of society Sharing the caviar with your maid State-mandated pajamas patterned with the faces of the revolutionary fathers Talking to Aunt Martha about the values of the revolution while waiting in line for your rations of Jell-O and sriracha sauce Having to say and spell proleteareat and bourjwasie Inability to shower in Benjamins because the state mandates that you downgrade to twenties State-mandated hourly trust falls to reinforce solidarity among compatriots Cosmo features sex advice from government officials to meet its requirement for state propaganda Overalls

—N. Warren and S. Savitz

—R. Lopez

HOW TO TELL HOW AMERICAN YOU ARE BASED ON HOW MANY SYLLABLES YOU TAKE TO SAY “AMERICA” Number of Syllables

Rough Pronunciation

How American are you?

13 (one per colony!)

A-hah-ah-muh-uh-eh-her-ruh-icuh-uh-huh-uh

Highly American. Anyone who spends this much time saying “America” must really love it.

10

The United States of America

You’re no American. (Unless you’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance or singing the Schoolhouse Rock preamble song. Then you are American.)

4

America

Nice try, but you can’t fool us—that’s too much enunciation. You probably learned how to speak at a British finishing school. (And you know who SHOULD be in charge of British finishing schools? George Washington. He knew all about British finishing. He finished the British, all right.)

3

‘Merica

Beautiful. This land is your land.

(What's a syllable?)

‘Mer’ca

Now THAT’s how you do it! There’s no “I” in “America”! (Yes, there still is a “me.” But that’s because true Americans are always accusative—for example, I’m accusing people of un-American-ness. The only nominative Americans are the ones who nominate people for president.)

1

‘M’r’c’

You make slurs in your pronunciation, which is good practice for making slurs against non-Americans.

0

‘’’’’’’

You’re as American as apple pie. That’s because you are apple pie. Apple pie doesn’t use syllables.

­—T. McCoy

NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T ·

MONDAY, MAR. 2, 2015 2014 · V OL. CX LIII , NO. 6

· yalerecord.com

Fox Behind Fox News Dies at Nineteen

BY GRAHAM AMBROSE STAFF REPORTER NEW YORK, NY — The fox that for years has been providing the Fox News Channel with reports, political analysis, and executive management died on Tuesday in his burrow under the parking garage at 47th Street and Broadway.

He was nineteen years old.

At passing, the fox, who has been the only source of all programming content on the twentyfour-hour news network for nearly two decades, was surrounded by his influential inner circle of loved ones: Rush Limbaugh’s underemployed dietician, a broken xylophone, and a coked-up Tagg Romney.

The news of the fox’s death was slow to spread through liberal, anti-American Manhattan on Tuesday, but in the Freedom Belt, fans everywhere expressed

their heartbreak. “It’s tragic,” said Mitchell Duningham, a backwoodsmen and professional racist from Gabesville, North Carolina.

“I guess I’ll have to go back to getting news the way my ancestors did: from chupacabras.”

Executives at the Fox Network were shocked by the news.

“I never thought that little critter would mean so much to the millions it controlled with its tiny, evolutionarily-unfit brain,” said Vice President of Communications Chad Johnston. Johnston later released a statement clarifying that his use of the phrase “evolutionary-unfit” in no way indicates support for evolution or science of any kind.

For Fox, the untimely death could prove costly to their industry-topping ratings. But Johnston says the network is already planning a rebound after the passing of its resident-star. “Our dart-

Freud interprets American dream

BY GERSHAM JOHNSON STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN, CT – Researchers at the Yale Department of Psychology announced that recently discovered writings from Sigmund Freud reveal that the famed armchair psychologist and armchair fetishist held top-secret therapeutic sessions with one of his native Germany’s most notorious rivals.

“These writings suggest that Freud, while not busy repressing the memory of his latest unsuccessful armchair-related sexual encounter, was engaged in a yearlong psychoanalytic session with America,” Professor Wolfgang Amadeus Gruber said. “This is sure to revolutionize both our understanding of the history of psychology, as well as our understanding

of the neurotic, self-destructive tendencies of the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.”

The sessions, which purportedly took place in the quaint suburbs of Berlin and Piscataway, show some of the hardest-hitting head-shrinking of Freud’s career.

“America reports having the exact same dream night after night with no end in sight,” Freud wrote in German. “In this dream he repeatedly pulls up on the straps of some old boots, and then miraculously finds himself with tremendous amounts of wealth and ‘freedom.’

Clearly, any dreams with leather materials are immediate red flags for sexual repression. Besides an obvious fixation with BDSM (those Americans sure love their whips!), he is clinging onto his bootstraps because he fears letting go of the

THE FOX DIED AS IT LIVED: PEACEFULLY, ON A HEAPING PILE OF COCAINE.

board of ideas has been busy lately. It’s still early, but I can assure the American people that we’re exploring all options. Especially narwhals. They’re like the foxes

of the sea. Those guys are just so dang informed.”

past and standing on his own, both of which are clear signs of childhood abuse at the hands of an emotionally-unavailable yet sexually-enticing mother. I don’t think he really ever came to terms with what England did to him.”

It remains unclear just how Freud came into contact with America, but psychologists agree that the interaction was detrimental to both parties. “Freud’s cocaine addiction worsened considerably after his dealings with America, primarily because America could supply three times the quantity (and maybe two times the quality) that Freud was consuming before,” Gruber admits. America also seems to have taken poorly to Freud’s prescription of a therapeutic threesome with France and England to “overcome any lingering familial issues,” which some historians now believe to be the true reason America eventually decided to go to war

against Germany.

Unfortunately for Freud fanatics, the soon-to-be-iconic psychobabble analysis of America’s dream ended quite abruptly, just a few years before the psychotherapist’s death. It remains unknown when exactly the relationship between America and Freud turned sour, but most guesses point to what appears to be a final, ill-fated game of word association. “I attempted to engage America in yet another association of the mind, but he became unusually hostile and stormed out!” Freud wrote in angry German. “I mean, who in their right mind would associate “equality” with “freedom,” especially when there’s penis envy in the world? Also, I think he wants to fellate his mother. Is that even possible?”

Contact GRAHAM AMBROSE at join@yalerecord.com

Contact GERSHAM JOHNSON at join@yalerecord.com

Nation Renamed Wal-Mart States of America

BY RISHABH BHANDARI STAFF REPORTER WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that analysts have expected for several years, President Barack Obama announced on Monday that he had officially sold the country’s naming rights to the Wal-Mart Corporation. The Nation Formerly Known As the United States of America will now be called “Wal-Mart States of America,” after the retail conglomerate won a heated auction.

“Uncle Sam [Walton] would be so proud,” proclaimed Rob Walton, the chief executive of Wal-Mart.

He added that only in the Wal-Mart States of America could a company founded in Rodgers, Arkansas buy the naming rights to a country.

Jason Furman, chair of President Obama’s Council of Economic Advisors, said he was glad the White House relented on opening bidding up to foreign companies.

Until Monday, it was uncertain whether foreign companies — led

by China’s state-owned gas company Sinopec — would be allowed to compete for the naming rights.

In his 2015 State of the Union, Obama pledged to Congress that he would not sell the country’s name to outside bidders, calling it “unAmerican” and “a blow to our nation’s pride.” But Furman said the White House had to reevaluate its stance after the preliminary offers from U.S. companies were not sufficiently competitive.

“These days, it’s just the Arabs and Chinese who are buying naming rights for countries or Manhattan penthouses,” said Michael Corbat, the CEO of Citigroup, the bank that oversaw the transaction.

Still, Wal-Mart’s purchase of the country was not entirely unexpected. Top Wal-Mart executives expect the purchase to be the cornerstone of an aggressive new advertising campaign promising consumers that the multinational corporation which almost exclusively sells Chinese-made goods is still American at heart.

Nicolas Cage Arrested

BY LOUISA CONE STAFF REPORTER LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Nicolas Cage, perhaps best known as “Grug” from The Croods, “Joe” from

MR. CAGE: OUR NATIONAL TREASURE

Bangkok Dangerous, and “Joe” from Joe, was arrested in his Los Angeles home this afternoon. The nature of the crime, however, is reminiscent of one committed by a fourth Cage character: “Benjamin Franklin Gates” in the

But though the sale raised a record sum, the American public was divided over the deal. The Atlantic magazine’s Ta-Nehisi Coates complained that the new name still retained “America,” a word that he described as “offensive” to everyone but Dan Snyder because of its past history of structural oppression. Celebrated conservative Bill O’Reilly, author of the soon-to-be released Killing Obama, conceded that though it was nice to see free market principles at work, he was disappointed the new name change did not come with a personnel change at the top.

But all Americans were united in not sharing Donald Trump’s idea that the country be named “Trump States of America” before being rented out to the Chinese.

Debt hawks said the move, which brings immediate relief to the country’s strained budget, is not a silver bullet. Realtors are already circling the White House to see which of the country’s next treasured assets will be put up for renowned National Treasure series.

Police reports described Cage as having “illegally obtained and hoarded precious U.S. government-owned artifacts and documents.” Among the stolen items were an original Eli Whitney cotton gin, the stuffed and mounted border collie that played Lassie, and the Treaty of Paris, for which Cage will not be tried with theft as there are already too many Treaties of Paris anyway. It is believed that Cage perhaps would have gotten away with the robbery had it not been for his public, verbal statement of intent to steal one final document. “We had several witnesses claim to have heard Mr. Cage literally say ‘I’m going to steal the Constitution,’ so that made finding the culprit a bit easier,” explained the head of the National Archives Museum in Washington, D.C. Cage’s house has been extensively searched, and all stolen items have since been returned to their proper

sale. Early frontrunners include the Lincoln Memorial, the battlefields of Gettysburg, and the metaphorical concept of baseball.

Congressman Paul Ryan (RWI) said it was a disappointment that the country would have to consider selling or renaming more of its most cherished institutions and landmarks. But he likened the prospective sales to the necessary belt-tightening measures ordinary families make every day.

“If we don’t act now, the future will be full of catastrophes. Like renaming Reagan Memorial Airport after some goddamn atheist donor,” he said, clutching a copy of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead.”

Meanwhile, Canada quietly reminded everyone that they have officially been named “The Democratic Republic of Tim Horton’s” for the past thirty-five years.

Contact RISHABH BHANDARI at join@yalerecord.com

I’m not a treasure hunter.

I’m a treasure protector.

Nicholas Cage Treasure hunter homes. Police also mistakenly seized an Oscar statuette from Cage’s house, in apparent disbelief that he had actually won an Academy Award. Cage is currently being held in a state penitentiary, and will likely remain there for quite some time. When asked about the purpose of his crime, Cage was brief: “I’m not a treasure hunter. I’m a treasure protector.”

Now, America’s very own national treasure, Nicolas Cage, will himself be protected—behind bars.

Contact LOUISA CONE at join@yalerecord.com

Writing: A. G. Ringlein Ambrose| | Design: Design:S. S.Rae-Grant Rae-Grant, D. Hoogstraten

Uncle Sam’s Family Tree Grandpa Britain- In his wild Imperial days, he got around quite a bit and has bastard children scattered all over the world. Sam probably takes after him in that regard a little bit more than he’d like to admit. Grandpa still tries to exert a little influence now and then and has held on to some weird, archaic traditions to make himself feel important. It’s pretty clear that he’s no longer the family patriarch, but some of the poor, arbitrary decisions he made ages ago are still coming back to haunt everybody.

Aunt Canada- She’s the child Grandpa always wanted and she never had any of the teenage angst that Sam did. She speaks two languages and seems to have a great relationship with everybody in the world. She’s got to have some kind of terrible secret buried somewhere behind that perfect smile. Maybe she kills drifters or something.

Jonnie Shoot’em- Uncle Sam had his first son when he was still young and angry at Grandpa Britain. Having him might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but he still won’t move out and Sam seems to be a little too obsessed with him.

Uncle Sam

Aunt ColumbiaUncle Sam’s wife, who may or may not be named after a mass murderer. She talks a lot about truth and Justice but dodges the question whenever someone asks her what she did to the people who were living in her house when she moved in.

Nukie- Uncle Sam’s youngest son, who’s not quite as safe as everyone would love to believe. He’s got a concealed-carry permit and sometimes makes pipe bombs in the garage. You know, just in case those Russian kids from across the street get out of line. He’s always done what Sam asked him to do in the past, but if (when) he goes off the deep end, everyone’s going to pay for it.

Cousin Uncomfortable-Racial-History- He may be family, but he’s the screw-up that you always secretly hope won’t show up at reunions. He’s a little backwards and fantasizes about political ideals that the rest of the family agreed to move on from a long time ago. Every once in a while, he’ll show his ugly face and do or say something awful. He’ll justify it by saying something about how he’s really not responsible and probably follow it up with something even more offensive about hoodies. People will consider calling him on his bullshit before deciding that he’s too deeply entrenched in the family to change in a meaningful way and just try to forget his existence.

Writing: C. Hall | Illustrations: A. Leinbach | Design: S. Rae-Grant, D. Hoogstraten

THE WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON

My fellow Americans, Yesterday, Monday, a day which ended a weekend of peace and returned us to the work week of war, the United States was suddenly and deliberately attacked by an aquatic menace. I speak not of the mutated dolphin people who live off the coast of New Jersey, nor of the trained attack salmon that North Korea uses as a Navy. No, we were struck by a dastardly and unprovoked attack originating in the kingdom of Atlantis! Just hours before, the Atlantean ambassador to the United States, Aquaman, had been touring the secret aquarium that Joe Biden keeps under the White House. Now thankfully, my dangerously unlimited military powers mean that I don’t actually have to declare war for us to begin carpet-bombing the realm of the mermen. So I didn’t. And we did.

At 0800 hours, unmanned drones began to drop bombs on the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. Admittedly, that didn’t really work (despite how cool it looked), but then we sent submarines! We’ve also reopened the Deepwater Horizons oil well in an attempt to drown them in sweet, sweet, black gold. Confirmed casualties in the first round of attacks include The Little Mermaid, Spongebob Squarepants, and the diverse ecosystem along the Gulf Coast.

All-out war has already begun. The Coast Guard engaged in several pitched battles with Atlantean forces before their boats sank and we had to send in the actual Navy. The state of Florida has been submerged by legions of seahorse-mounted water cavalry led by the water-logged corpse of Osama bin Laden and a sentient collection of trash that drifted together in the Pacific Ocean. SEAL Team 6 has been engaged in a massive offensive against actual seals. I mean, they don’t really fight back, we just kind of club them. With bullets. Honestly, they’ve just been going up and down the coast shooting seals.

Now, you may be questioning the wisdom of declaring war on a nation-state that controls over 70% of the surface area of the planet. You may even be thinking that the powerful Buried Treasure lobby has pushed us into a pointless and bloody quagmire in the vague hope of recovering the Atlantean doubloon stockpiles. I am personally offended that you think we wouldn’t go to war just for the hell of it. I mean, we have all these weapons; could you really call it freedom if we weren’t using force to exert our will on other countries? We would rather declare war on this entire blue sphere before entertaining the notion of solving our problems with words! Good night, God bless you, God bless machine guns and high-powered explosives, and God bless America.

Barack “I killed bin Laden Once, I’ll Drag Him Back to the Murky Depths Myself If I Have To” Obama

Writing: C. Hall | Design: D. Hoogstraten

Aaron Gertler AP US history Ms. stansal stansell

47 U.S. States I Could Name Off The Top Of My Head 1. Maine 2. Vermont 3. New Hampshire 4. New York 5. Pennsylvania 6. Delaware 7. Maryland 8. Crap, which direction are we going?

Um, Virginia.

9. Wait, Connecticut!

Phew.

10. West Virginia 11. Ohio 12. Minnesota 13. Wait, too far. Michigan.

14. Nebraska 15. Idaho 16. Iowa 17. North Dakota 18. South Dakota 19. Washington 20. Oregon

21. California 39. Hawaii 22. Nevada 40. There’s got to be 23. Colorado some whole group 24. Wyoming of states I’m 25. Arizona forgetting somewhere.

26. Texas Massachusetts.

27. New Mexico 41. Swing states. State 28. Oh, crap, Puerto Rico capitals. Colleges. Where isn’t a state. I’ll go edit my friends are from. it out. Arkansas.

Um, Louisiana.

29. Mississippi 42. Georgia 30. Missouri 43. I honestly thought I 31. Kansas was going to make it to 32. Montana 47. This is my fault, and 33. Okay, I’m totally lost mine alone. I had good now. How about… social studies teachers Florida? and everything. I’m 34. North Carolina sorry, Mr. Stansell.

35. South Carolina New Jersey.

36. Alabama 44. Illinois 37. This is only 36? What the hell? Rhode Island.

38. Alaska

Writing: A. Gertler | Design: D. Hoogstraten

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T HE Y ALE R ECORD

Nebraska Secedes From the United States NEBRASKA — After years of anger and unrest, apparently, Nebraska has officially seceded from the United States. The newly formed Democratic Republic of Nebraska is expected to retain the many proud elements of Nebraskan culture like…wheat?

Yeah, wheat sounds right.

Nebraska is the one in the middle that looks kind of like a rectangle. If you Google Image Search “Nebraska state what is,” it’s like the third thing that comes up.

“We’ve been overlooked for far too long,” said former governor and current High-Fructose Corn Overlord of Nebraska Pete Ricketts. “Did you know that Nebraska is home to the only unicameral legislature in the—” He said more stuff after that, but… eh.

President Barack Obama first received word of Nebraska’s secession during his afternoon press conference. “That’s a real state?” he asked. “I mean, I always thought it was just sort of something you say. Like, ‘My cousin and his wife live in Nebraska,’ or, ‘Please, let’s never visit Nebraska.’ This is really weirding me out right now.”

The reaction from American citizens has been mixed, ranging from partial apathy to total apathy.

“Nebraska?” asked New Yorker Brett Erlich.

“Is that the one that’s Idaho? Oh wait, I think I’m thinking of Idaho.”

No one else could be bothered to comment.

—M. Kaplan

A. Mansfield

The Pledge of Allegiance

T he A ll -A merican I ssue

OTHER THINGS MLK HAD A stache that put Ron Burgundy’s to shame Another, lesser known dream in which he accidentally showed up to work naked Probably a sandwich That one friend List of 95 grievances against the Catholic Church A little dreidel A copy of the scene in Forrest Gump that was cut so Bubba could spend more time talking about shrimp

MORE PATRIOTIC NAMES FOR FRENCH FRIES Freedom Fingers Idaho Spears Constitutional Crisps Stars and Snacks Victory Vittles Deep-Fried Democracy National Nibblins Bald Eagle Batons O Beautiful For Spacious Fries Promote the General Welfare Wedges Citizenship Chips (hahaha NOT that’s what British people call them; freaking Europeans) —A. Mansfield OTHER THINGS THOMAS JEFFERSON PURCHASED Monticello Montiviolin A box of t-shirts that say “I survived the Revolution of 1800 and all I got was this stupid shirt” Purchase, NY A barrel full of used neckerchiefs George Washington’s teeth Three bananas A one way ticket to hell A one way ticket to Purchase, NY New doilies for the White House Gum —B. Rudeen

23

One hand in his pocket Another one giving a high five Gandhi on speed dial Me at hello —L. Cone

WHAT’S ACTUALLY IN AMERICAN CHEESE? Three and a half McDonald Quarter Pounders The proud cawing of a bald eagle Sally Hemmings’s other illegitimate child A melted pot The sweat, tears, and tuberculosis of 20th century industrial workers An “I Love NY” shirt Our symbolic march of progress from hunter-gatherer societies to the modern agro-industrial complex A nuclear family A nuclear facility Toxic waste from a nuclear facility Canadian milk Freedom (100% cholesterol) —A. Corcoran COUNTRIES WE COULD PROBABLY GET AWAY WITH INVADING Norway Kyrgyzstan Uzbekistan Kyrzbekistan Iraq (1990) Iraq (2003) Iraq (2014) 19th Century American West Narnia (not recognized by the UN) The 3rd moon of Jupiter Canada

—S. Gupta

24

T he Y ale R ecord

AN EXCERPT FROM AN INTERVIEW WITH NORMAN STOUT, HEAD WRITER FOR FRIENDS

“T

hat was the only time they outright refused to film one of our scripts.”

“The only time?”

“Yes, and it wasn’t even the entire episode they objected to. The only part that really bothered the executives was her wooden leg.”

“I can get that.”

“But without the prosthetic, the plot just wouldn’t have worked. We were very attached to the idea of having an episode where Monica loses her leg and needs to hop around the city looking for it, and it wouldn’t make any sense otherwise. You can’t lose a real leg. Or, rather, you can, but it’d be horrifying. We were TV-14.”

“How exactly did you come up with that?”

“Courtney was always complaining that we didn’t give her enough of an opportunity to showcase her talent for physical comedy. We pitched her a few different ideas, and the one that she really latched onto was the idea of a plot where her wooden leg goes missing and she needs to spend the entire episode jumping on one foot, trying to get down the stairs to Central Perk, tipping over, that sort of thing.

We also thought it was a really great way to touch upon the fairly serious topic of disabilities, while still allowing for some hilarious wise-cracks from the gang. ‘Could you be any more disabled?’ That sort of thing.”

“But...did Monica have a wooden leg?”

“Yes.” “Even though up until this point...”

“Season 4.” “...it had never been seen or referenced?”

“Well that’s part of the joke. Monica’s very touchy about her wooden leg. That’s what makes it so funny, especially when she’s flopping around her apartment trying to clean up after Joey, who she left in charge of the place while she visited her parents, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything’s off. And when she accidentally releases the family of bats he’s been keeping in her armoire, that’s when the physical comedy really ramps up.”

“Wouldn’t the audience have been thrown by it?”

“You mean by the leg? If an audience member were to have been surprised, that would’ve been on him, not on us. Never in the show was it stated that Monica had two of them. Not once was her left leg below the knee shown bare. I understand that a lot of the time when interacting with a work of fiction people make assumptions about the characters without realizing it, but I don’t believe that we as

writers can in any way be beholden to those assumptions.

That’s what I told the executives, anyways.”

“And they responded?”

“They responded that giving Monica a wooden leg changed her character in a fundamental way. To which I said: One, we are not giving Monica a wooden leg. We are merely informing the audience that she has one. And, two, we’re not changing any of the details about her that we’ve already provided to the audience. We’re not getting rid of her relationship with Richard. We’re definitely not getting rid of Fat Monica and her dance moves. Every action she’s taken, every word she’s said, they all stand.”

“I take it they weren’t convinced?”

“You can imagine. But then I explained it like this: Every person is a collection of facts. I am the fact that I’m the head writer for Friends and the fact that I kind of like hummus and the fact that I just re-gifted a blender. Monica is the fact that she is a chef and the fact she sorts her towels into eleven categories and the fact she once said ‘Transponster? That’s not even a word!’ and the fact that she has a wooden leg. None of these facts imply or contradict the others. And I get it. Humans are built to assume. Once you know enough of the facts that make up another person, you begin to take for granted additional ones that you don’t really know. Once you know that someone smiles a lot you assume that he’s happy. Once you know someone is a skinhead you assume he’s not into ballet. Once you know that over the course of four seasons Monica Geller never once references her wooden leg, you assume that both of her legs are fully flesh. You make these assumptions because the collection of facts that forms any given person is infinite, and you can only ever know for sure some vanishingly tiny portion of them. Maybe your assumptions have a decent chance of being right, based on patterns you’ve noticed or impossible-to-verbalize good sense hardwired into your head, or maybe they’re based on nothing at all, but they’re assumptions all the same. I told the executives that there is no such thing as ‘out of character.’ I told them that in the very next episode Monica could murder Gunther or start wearing a cowboy hat casually and—while both of these developments might confuse the audience, and while both might make for bad TV—neither could be said to be ‘false’ in any way.”

“Did they give you a counter-argument to all that, then?”

“They said no wooden leg.”

—B. Garfinkel

T he A ll -A merican I ssue

REJECTED STATES Schmohio: Was actually Ohio wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache.

Canada: Stood America up at senior prom the Continental Congress and so America got upset and slept with incorporated Vermont instead, a decision it has regretted ever since. America has never forgiven Canada for being such a slut valuable strategic ally.

New York City: Rest of New York is addicted to that sweet, sweet tax money. This is an intervention, New York. We all care about you very much, but you have a problem.

Absaroka: Proposed state carved from Montana and Wyoming; denied statehood when it was discovered that moose outnumbered humans in this territory.

Cuba: Former territory allowed to become an independent country. We do our imperialism like we do our adultery: denying it exists, fucking the other entity anyway, and reaping the benefits.

Going to the movies with Alexa in 10th grade: I’m sorry, this is a list of rejected states, not rejected dates (loser) Puerto Rico: Because of racism.

East Virginia: Eaten by West Virginia in the womb.

Israel and Palestine: Adding these as two new states? I can’t even write this one with a straight

25

face…wait, what? That was a real idea someone had? What the fuck?

Guam: Because of racism North Jersey: Not allowed to secede from New Jersey on the logic that so much concentrated douchebaggery would be some kind of crime against humanity.

Northern Mariana Islands: Because of racism The Moon: While the Moon is not a state, it is in fact the exclusive property of the United States of America.

Kentucky: You may have been told that Kentucky is a state, but this is in fact false.

—S. Savitz THE RECORD TRIES TO NAME EVERY NFL TEAM The New England Patriots The Seattle Seagulls The New York Knicks The Boston Pistons The San Antonios The Corsica Jellyfish The Philadelphia Love The Los Angeles Lust

The Bad News Bears The Giraffes The Canada Canadians The Vermont Canadians The New York Stock Exchange Brett Favre?

—A. Gertler

S. Sukin

T HE Y ALE R ECORD

26

POINT The American Dream is alive

I

t’s 2015, and the American Dream is alive and well. Any hard-working individual can build a successful life with the building blocks of freedom and equality. My parents, who swam the backstroke here all the way from Yugoslavia, started off as simple shopkeepers. In time, they grew to be complex shopkeepers, and they also learned the faster freestyle swimming stroke. They moved up the rungs of society, much like a worker climbs up the rungs of a ladder. They gave me the opportunity to go to college and learn about real world skills like alcohol poisoning and overscheduling myself. Now I’m a successful business guy who transacts for a living. I have it all: 2.2 kids, a car, a wife I sometimes talk to. We have yet to wake up from the American Dream.

WAYS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE LETTING THE TERRORISTS WIN Using anything other than Magnums Having a goat as a pet Being a vegetarian/gluten-free Being okay when someone offers you Pepsi over Coke Not watching “Finding Bigfoot” religiously Literally letting the terrorists win Not sending $5 every week to The Yale Record, America’s oldest college humor magazine Not shouting “Merica” whenever you’re fucked up

COUNTERPOINT

My parrot’s name is American Dream and he’s been dead for a week now

G

uys, I think I killed my parrot.

His name is American Dream and I’ve had him for like a year now, but he’s like, totally dead now. I guess feeding him McDonald’s was a mistake. That or letting him get a tattoo. I don’t know, I made so many mistakes. I’ll miss him doing that thing where he said “Take me to a zoo” and then he would try to fly away at the zoo and hide in the bird sanctuary. That was so cute. Anyway, I keep hearing people talking about the status of the American Dream, so I guess it’s time to tell them the bad news. Maybe next time I’ll get a ferret. I’ll name it Family Values. Or Butt.

—B. Rudeen

Not secretly wishing you were a southern whisky-running moonshiner Not having an 18-year-old blind dog named Coach Sanders Not rubbing Coach Sanders’s belly If you’re a girl: Not being a sexy cat for Halloween If you’re a guy: Being a sexy cat for Halloween Not following Total Frat Move on Twitter and Instagram Not sending $5 every week to The Yale Record (Don’t forget that part, seriously. You’re letting the terrorists win) —D. Megerian

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T HE Y ALE R ECORD

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SCIENTISTS DO DECLARE, REPORTS NINETEENTH CENTURY SOUTHERN LADY Dear textbooks, The rent is too damn high.

—Yalies

Dear meteor, All right! Now I’m going to be famous!

Best, Ming Yen, the first human ever killed by a meteor Dear Ming, Not for long.

—Everyone else on Earth (also known as the second-through-seven-billionth people ever killed by a meteor)

ORPHANAGES ACROSS AMERICA EXCITED FOR YALE-HARVARD GAME, CALLING IT ‘TOTALLY NOT AN ELITIST SPECTACLE OF EPICUREAN SELF-DELUSION’

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T he Y ale R ecord

WIZARD OF OZ GIVES LION SOME BALLS To the Yale Community, After another round of focus group testing, we have decided that what the student body really wants and needs is two huge boutique outlets instead of new residential colleges.

—President Peter Salovey Kiko Milano™ Professor of Psychology

‘THIS TIME, THEY’LL LISTEN,’ REPORTS WORLD’S LAST OPTIMISTIC INTERNET COMMENTER Dear Rodrigo, Frankly, I find your behavior disturbing, but I don’t think it qualifies as a “sin.” If I were you, I’d take a long, hot bath, shave off all of my body hair, and have a doctor remove my left arm.

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This offer is valid for travel on the Northeast Regional train service only. Advance reservations are required a minimum of fourteen (14) days prior to travel. Once purchased, tickets are nonrefundable; exchanges are permitted within the ticket validity period. Blackouts apply on the following dates: 2/13/15, 2/16/15, 4/02/15– 4/03/15, 4/06/15, 5/22/15, 5/25/15, 07/02/15–07/03/15, 07/05/15, 9/04/15, 9/07/15, 10/12/2015, 11/24/15–11/25/15, 11/28/15–11/29/15, 12/19/15–12/23/15, 12/26/15–12/30/15, 01/02/16– 01/03/16. Seating is limited; seats may not be available on all trains at all times. Fares are subject to availability. Up to 2 children ages 2–12 may accompany each adult at half the regular (full) adult rail fare. This offer is valid for Coach seats only; no upgrades permitted.

This offer is not combinable with any other discount offer. In addition to the discount restrictions, this offer is also subject to any restrictions, blackouts, and refund rules that apply to the type of fare purchased. Fares, routes, and schedules are subject to change without notice. Once travel has begun, no changes to the itinerary are permitted. Other restrictions may apply. Amtrak and Northeast Regional are registered service marks of the National Railroad Passenger Corporation.