The Big Ideas Issue

RECORD

IDIOT LIP READER CAN’T UNDERSTAND DOLPHIN

Hey Frank,

Wanna make some ice cream together?

Best, Jerry

IRAQ SITUATION REALLY HARD FOR CIA EMPATH

Jerry, Fuck off.

Best, Frank

Hey Ben, Wanna make some ice cream together? Please?

INSECURITIES CORRECT

Best, Jerry

OTHERWISE REALLY SMART GUY DEVOTES LIFE TO MATHEMATICS

Jerry,

YES PLEASE. OH MY GOD I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE, GOD, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHEN. I HAVE A FANTASTIC IDEA CALLED TONIGHT DOUGH AND COFFEE COFFEE BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. Also, do you want to get a dog and start a family together? Just an idea. But if it’s only ice cream that works too.

Best, Ben

Dear Stupid-Dog,

If you are reading this, I pray to God that I have become the official president of the Stupid-Dog International Fan Club and that your ever-defensive security and Stupid-Dog LLC management has allowed my message to get through to you. If that is the case, well, let me say that it is such a pleasure to have THE Stupid-Dog reading mine humble telegraph. I’ve been a fan of your work since “Stupid-Dog Plays Seattle, 1992”, and have since dedicated my life to the Stupid-Dog gospel, following thine ways, O Great Stupid-Dog! I am honored to even to have your eyes read this letter. In a way, it’s like we’re locking eyes, and maybe kissing, too. I have but one humble request, Stupid-Dog –– please, if you see this, know that it would make my life complete in ways I can only dream of if you responded. I lay my love at your feet and ask you not to crush it beneath your mighty, Stupid paw.

Love always, Your #1 fan, Frankie Beef

Dear “Your #1 fan, Frankie Beef”, Woof! Mister Stupid-Dog appreciates all of his fans, especially those who so kindly reach out with fan-mail. Unfortunately, he receives upwards of 80,000 messages per day, including promotions. Still, Stupid-Dog and the Stupid-Dog LLC sends all their love and –– for you, a registered Super-Fan and self-proclaimed “Official President of the Stupid-Dog International Fan Club” (an organization with which we claim no affiliation and had no prior knowledge of preceding your message). We ask kindly that you no longer use the Stupid-Dog name or else we will have to threaten you with guns and knives, as is required by the StupidDog gospel as well as the Stupid-Dog Official Training Manual, as you are surely aware.That being said, we would like you a 20% off discount from our Official Stupid-Dog Merch Store at www.stupid-dog-since-1988 shopspot.bone to assuage any gun- or knife-related threats you might pose in retaliation to the Stupid-Dog Name and Extended Corporate Family.

Sincerely, Stupid-Dog and the Stupid-Dog Team

TRAGEDY JUST RECENT ENOUGH TO RUIN SPEECH

Dear children of Ms Sherry’s class, Your test scores have dropped significantly below the district average and we are having concerns about your matriculation forward. You have until the end of the month to increase your scores or you will face the consequences of your actions.

Cordially, Consolidated School District 181 of Claremont

Dear Piñata,

We honor and affirm the continuing relationship of stewardship that exists between you and the candy. We respect that the candy has historically been inside of you, and we will never forget your unwilling sacrifice.

— Children

Mama,

MA MA BA BA. Respectfully, you cannot measure the extent of our knowledge by mere tests and trivial tribulations. GO GO MA MA. Our brains communicate at a level your peasized prefrontal cortex cannot understand. Gauss’ Law. Stricter Policing. Colonization of Mars. CAH CAH MA LA. Those are all words. GO GAH BAH GAH.

BA, The children of Ms Sherry’s class

CLASSIC EUROPE: MY ENGLISH WIFE

“YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME,” SAYS MOTHER WHO ONLY LOVES HER SONS

“NEW TESTAMENT JUST DROPPED,” NOTES EARLY CHRISTIAN

DEAR VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: GOT MILK?

Dear Aunt Mary,

Thank you very very much for the LEGO Star Wars Pod Racer Anakin Vs. Sebulba set. The Sebulba is very realistic and the Anakin is, too, and I like it, a lot. I am sorry about what happened to your husband.

Love, Noah

EARLY WORM IN FOR A PRETTY ROUGH DAY

Dear Mom,

Why is it okay when the dog brings a dead squirrel onto the front porch, but when I do it, everyone goes crazy and yells at me, “get that damn thing off my lap” and “why is your mouth frothing”?

Warmly, Kevin

Obituary Correction

Our last issue erroneously reported that world-renowned theoretical physicist Albert Einstein died from a brain rupture after he had an idea that was too big. We have since learned that that was a different Albert Einstein.

DOMESTIC TERRORIST MOVES ABROAD

Dear Mom, I love you.

Love, Son.

I mean, who else would it be? I’m your son. I’m also your only child. No one else would have a good reason to call you “Mom.” Unless there’s something I don’t know.

CHILD GENIUS ALERT! THIS 10-YEAROLD VIOLATES LABOR LAWS WORKING AT THE APPLE STORE

FOR SALE:

A lifetime of intellectual property! Everything must go!

GENIUS ALERT! THERE IS ONE GENIUS IN YOUR AREA. CLICK THIS LINK FOR PICTURES OF THIS GENIUS.

POOL BOY MAULED BY LOCAL COUGAR THAT ESCAPED THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO LATE SUNDAY NIGHT.

WANTED

Dear Pipsqueak,

Give me your lunch money! I just saw a wishing well and I want to bring my grandpa back.

ALIEN LEADERS PROMISE TO “HEAR

Fuck, Bully

VERY REAL

ON EARTH VAPORIZATION INITIATIVE

Dear Third-Graders,

You think you’re so smart. Go ahead and draw a face for me, then. Whoops! Forgot the ears, tough guy!

Regards, Fifth-Graders

a BeTTer mouseTrap. The cheese in This one is Too delicious, and The mechanism hurTs my fingers.

Did You Know?

60% of all ideas happen in the shower. 50% of all shower ideas are shower-related. 30% of all ideas are shower-related. —B.

Hollander-Bodie

STAKEHOLDERS’

CONCERNS”

ANIMAL IN ZOO PROBABLY FEELS LIKE CELEBRITY ALL THE TIME

“IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE,” ADMITS NASA SCIENTIST WHO JUST MAKES GUNS

TheYale Record is first and foremost a business. We follow our noses to sniff out profit and spray ourselves with profit-scented colognes to confuse our competitors. In order to stay on top, we demand constant ideological and technical innovation from our staff.

Throughout our history, we have shaped our business model to reflect the current market trends. We were a print publication at our conception in 1872, but quickly pivoted to selling raw granite from a local quarry to capitalize on increasing demand for luxury countertops. During prohibition, we started a speakeasy to meet the needs of a sober populace, and after prohibition ended, we ran an illicit soda pop parlor in the basement of a legal bar. To align ourselves with national priorities, all issues from 1942-1945 included tear-out war bonds instead of Est Est Est coupons.

We briefly manufactured three-wheeled cars using the Ford assembly line in order to cut costs on both labor and wheels. Unfortunately, this was met with a cease and desist from Henry Ford before we could scale up our operation. You get a lot of ceases when you live on the cutting edge, and even more desists.

But whenever our other endeavors went sour, we could always return to the quarry biz. In the 1970s, we converted it into a for-profit ball pit to challenge the ball pit monopoly of our biggest rival, Chuck E. Cheese. We had faith that the exceptional depth of our quarry would help us out-compete other firms, but three separate children were lost in its depths between 1978 and 1981, leading the government to seize both our land and our commercial ball pit license. Without our stash of inflated plastic balls, and our slightly smaller stash of attractive and durable countertops, we had to return to printing magazines.

While this was not an easy business model to carry into the digital age, one mathematically-inclined publisher realized that we could just multiply our total profit by two when calculating our expenses for increased revenue. Soon after this realization, our profits doubled. The issue with this, however, was that there was no longer room for innovation. We had figured out the perfect formula for success; the Age of Ideas seemed over.

But we didn’t stagnate for long. The Yale Record is last and hindmost a stagnant business. In order to stand by our noble goal of ‘striving for knowledge, at whatever cost,’

we took a hard left turn into trendier, artsier forms of ideation. We replaced the position of Exorbitant Expenditure Editor with a Budgeting Czar, and established a Zeitgeist Editor in charge of constantly taking the pulse of society. These new positions produced a surge of innovation, prompting us to further expand the Editorial Board. We hired a Record Ideator who we locked in our office and charged with changing something about gravity, and a Record Ethicist to decide if that was an okay thing to do. This specific initiative was discontinued after the Ethicist killed five innocent civilians at a trolley station, and the Ideator floated out the office window, but it was an important step.

If we were going to get the results we were looking for, we needed every member of staff to be brainstorming at all times. Mandatory ponder sessions replaced standard meetings, and instead of brunch we nourished our brains with food for thought and nourished our bodies with gallon jugs of pink-flavored Soylent. By this point, we were producing ideas at an unprecedented level. But it wasn’t enough.

We needed star power –– more than we could get from college students alone. The answer was simple: a celebrity think tank. We spared no expense when sourcing refined charcuterie boards and embroidered vests for our geniuses. We even purchased personalized That Was Easy buttons for them to press once they figure out the next big thing. After laying down six digits on swag, we only had the budget to fill the tank with off-duty genius bar geniuses.

With this expanded team we were churning out ideas like never before. On average, there were between seventy and seventy-five new ideas per minute. Ideas like:

Tables without legs

Claire Sattler ’23

Julia Arancio ’23

Patrick Chappel ’23

Raffael Davila ’23

Alice Mao ’24

Colson Jones ’24

Edwin Perez ’24

Kara Carey ’24

Lily Dorstewitz ’24

Malia Kuo ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Surgery where you switch the organs around

Trading in an outdated model for the sleek and slender iPhone 6s

None of these took off, and we were left with dozens of groundlevel tables and one unlucky patient with a spleen in place of his heart. There was no denying it: we were in a rut. Staff was churning out a staggering quality of ideas, but they were all nonstarters. I was stuck in an unproductive mindset, only ever thinking of concepts that already existed, like scarecrows and fractions.

If we were going to innovate, we needed to change the game. So I decided to sacrifice my brain for the cause and hit my head as hard as possible to shake up my thinking.

Man, oh man, did it work. Since my concussion, my value to this organization has skyrocketed. I’ve thought of exciting new ideas, like fractions that also have decimal points. But more importantly, I’ve realized that we were so caught up in the number of new ideas we were generating that we didn’t realize that we were barely hitting a success rate of .001/75.

I learned that there is more value in honing in on a few big ideas that really matter than producing for production’s sake. I needed to take a step back and think about what felt right. This shifted perspective allowed me to finally figure out the three biggest ideas of all: brotherly love, one million, and the Easy Bake Oven.

I have no regrets about giving my brain to the cause –– returning the Record to its innovative prime –– but I’m starting to think I could have waited until after I had to write this editorial.

—C. Rose Editor in Chief

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25

Ari Berke ’25

Audrey Hempel ’25

Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25

Cormac Thorpe ’25

Chet Hewitt ’25

Lillian Broeksmit ’25

Emmitt Thulin ’25

Evan Calderon ’25

Ezzat Abouleish ’25

Isabel Arroyo ’25

Jacob Kao ’25

Joel Banks ’25

Mari Elliott ’25

Maya Melnik ’25

Neil Sachdeva ’25

Rena Howard ’25

Tyler Schroder ’25

Adham Hussein ’26

Aidan Gibson ’26

Alejandro Rojas ’26

Alexa Druyanoff ’26

Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26

Alice Khomski ’26

Amelia Herrmann ’26

Andrew Lake ’26

Arav Dalwani ’26

Ariel Kirman ’26

Bella Panico ’26

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26

Debbie Lilly ’26

Elio Wentzel ’26

Contributors: Amanda Budejen ’26, Wolf Boone ’26

Erita Chen ’26

Grace Davis ’26

Jimmy Ruskell ’26

Linden Skalak ’26

Matt Neissen ’26

Mia Cortés Castro ’26

Natasha Khazzam ’26

Nicole Stack ’26

Owen Curtin ’26

Oz Gitelson ’26

Paola Milbank ’26

Special thanks to: All the ideas that didn’t make it into this issue, because they were bad.

Front Cover: Lizzie Conklin ’25, who learned all about gravity just for this issue.

Back Cover: Erita Chen ’26, who supports men in STEM.

Samad Hakani ’26

Sam Kumar ’26

Sivan Almogy ’26

Thomas Varghese ’26

Toby Salmon ’26

Tristan Hernandez ’26

William Wang ’26

Zadie Winthrop ’26

Zoe Halaban ’26

Ge Yu

Sadie Lee ’26

Joe Gustaferro ’24 Old Owl

Joe Wickline ’23 Old Owl

Joanna Wypasek ’24 Old Owl Ayla Jeddy ’23 Old Owl

Maya Sanghvi ’23 Old Owl

Avery Brown ’23 Old Owl

Diana Kulmizev ’23 Old Owl

Avery Mitchell ’23 Old Owl

Raja Moreno ’24 Old Owl Bea Portela ’24 Old Owl Ellen Qian ’23 Old Owl Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl Rosa Chang ’23 Old Owl

Luna Garcia ’23 Old Owl Alex Taranto ’23 Old Owl Jonas Kilga ’23 Old Owl

Alexia Buchholz ’23 Social Media Manager

Emma Madsen ’25 Webmaster

Josephine Stark ’25 Staff Director

Natasha Weiss ’25 Business Manager

Jacob Eldred ’24 Merchant

IDEAS I HAD ON THE TOILET

Multi-Layer Socks — Wear them for a week and peel off a layer every day.

Not Hot Dog App — An app that tells you what is and what is not a hot dog.

Paper Rope — A rope made from toilet paper used to retrieve a phone from any space. Goddamn it.

iPooper-Scooper — A pooper-scooper perfectly molded to retrieve a phone from any space.

Hydro Vacuum — A vacuum that removes liquids from any space you might need to retrieve your phone from.

Phone Necklace — A secure and glamorous way of holding your phone around your neck in case you need your hands.

Phone Dryer — A device that dries your phone in case it gets stuck in a space that is wet and you need to retrieve it.

Hand Dryer — A device that dries your hand in case your hand gets wet trying to retrieve your phone from any space.

Towel — A device that can be used to dry any areas that might have gotten wet while you were trying to retrieve your phone from any space with liquids.

UberToilet — An app that brings you a new toilet in case you clog someone else’s toilet.

Single-Layer Socks — Wear them for one day and peel off the layer when done. For those weeks when you only want to wear socks once.

—T. Bhat

IDEAS I DIDN’T HAVE ON THE TOILET

Electricity — I know, I know, 200 years too late. Think about it though, wouldn’t it have been cool? Ol’ Samad Hakani, sitting on the shitter, discovering electricity? It just sounds right.

SALT I — Who wouldn’t want to take credit for détente between the U.S. and the Soviet Union? After a couple of black coffees, I would’ve thought of this if I had been alive back then…

LinkedIn — I definitely had a dream about this a few years ago. I woke up in a cold sweat sputtering about “Facebook for professionals.” I figured I could iron out the details the next morning on the porcelain throne, but unfortunately, my bowel movements weren’t conducive to ideation.

Norristown High-Speed Line — An interurban light rail connection between a suburban hub and Philadelphia. Absolute genius. A guy like me could have never thought of this type of stuff, bathroom or not. Whoever thought of this must have been operating on all four cylinders.

Toilet Paper This one really blows my mind. Always thought something like this would’ve been helpful on the toilet but that damn Charmin bear got to it first.

—S. Hakani

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Where do memories go when we forget them?

I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM

When I was born, a witch cursed me to always be the smartest person in the room. This was not a curse in the sense that my intelligence makes me alone or anything poetic like that. No, whenever I enter a room, everyone else in the room becomes temporarily dumber than me. And unfortunately, I am very stupid.

This has ruined my life. I had to sit just outside the classroom in school, or else the teacher would become too stupid to teach. I can never go to any concerts or plays, because the performers would become too stupid to perform. The same is true for my lovers: they all become too stupid to satisfy me. I have never had a real friend, besides a few pen pals and another guy who I’m pretty sure is just extremely stupid full-time.

It’s disastrous for others, too. I tried flying on a plane once, but the pilots became too stupid to even get it off the runway. Whenever someone calls out for a doctor, I need to leave, or else I’ll probably kill someone. And I fear I cause disastrous harm whenever I go to the polls.

I have attempted to use this to my advantage, to no avail. I tried robbing a bank, but the tellers became too stupid to follow instructions at gunpoint. The police showed up, but luckily they became too stupid to arrest me.

You’re probably thinking that I must really be very stupid. And you’re right. I don’t even know how to use chopsticks.

But there’s hope for me. If I can become smart enough, then making everyone else dumber than me won’t be quite as dangerous. So maybe I can live a normal life. But only as soon as I can figure out how to make a Khan Academy account. Apparently my password needs numbers, and I don’t yet know any.

by small and nimble workers?

Technology: What classic American pastime inspired the beloved computer game Minecraft?

Bonus Question: Wouldn’t it be cool if you could play Minecraft in real life?

Physical Education: What form of exercise is both a full body workout and beneficial for the United States’ GDP?

English: Identify the object of the following sentence: Youth coal miners are sexy, rugged, and cool.

Economics: If there is a great national demand for coal, what is it your duty as an American patriot to supply?

Math: If the great trade of coal mining pays $8/hour, and the grueling chore of mandatory secondary education pays $0/ hour, which of these is actually exploitative when you really think about it?

Health: Don’t worry about it, kid.

DRINKING WATER DID NOT SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS

I listened to all the self-care podcasts. I watched all the reels. I looked up “hydration” on Urban Dictionary. Every one of them says that drinking water will make your life better. Thirsty? Drink water. Tired? Drink water. Considering your third major change of the semester, desperately trying to get through midterm season while juggling summer internship applications and a rapidly dissolving sense of self? Drink water!

So I finally tried it. I bravely sought out the water fountain on the first floor of Farnam. I started lugging around one of those 5-gallon jugs. I replaced all of my blood with pure H to the 2, and 2 to the O. Now I eat, sleep, breathe, and — most of all — drink hydration. I have grown gills. I have absorbed the entire script of Finding Nemo. I have become one with the fish. I have seen things you will never understand. Water. Water. So much water.

REJECTED QUESTIONS FROM ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Chemistry: What materials are required for a combustion reaction?

History: What was the greatest triumph of the children of the Victorian era?

Social Studies: If the workforce of China is larger than that of the USA, what could you and your peers do to remedy this disparity?

Home Economics: In order to operate a barbecue, what natural resource must you first harvest from deposits that can only be reached through narrow tunnels easily traversed

And for what? I have done nothing but drink water for 42 hours straight. Water has not written my essays or finished my p-sets. Water has not gotten me through my major crisis or planned out my summer. My throat hurts. My vision is blurry. My headache disappeared sometime around hour number two, only to come back stronger than ever come hour 18. I have peed more in the last three hours than I ever have in my lifetime. The cycle has changed. Drink. Pee. Drink. Pee. Dree. Pink. Pinkdree.

I am one with the water now. I have ascended far above my problems. I have escaped human existence. I am become liquid. Water. Water. Water.

B. Hollander-Bodie

D. Alberts

COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO GLOBAL CONSPIRACIES

Did you fall down the rabbit hole? Is your FYP full of weird micro-influencers reading your fortune and telling you to replace your morning coffee with a cup of mud? Are you unsure of what to believe? Well, you’re in luck. We’ve simplified every global conspiracy theory and paired each with a “believability score” calculated using our super complex algorithm that you wouldn’t understand.

The Flat Earth — Believability: 1/10

With little-to-no doubt, the Earth does in fact resemble a basketball. We can’t be 100%, though. Ask any astronaut, you can only really see about half of the Earth at one time, so we kind of just have to fill in the blanks.

The Mandela Effect — Believability: 0/10

Now, it’s pretty easy to call bullshit on this one. The Monopoly man has always had a monocle, it’s Looney Tunes (not Looney Toons), and Nelson Mandela didn’t die in prison because He can never die.

The 27 Club — Believability: 10/10

What possible other reason would Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, and Jimi Hendrix have for doing drugs? The end goal just had to be dying at the exact same age because frankly, it’s worth it to say that they did.

The Illuminati — Believability: 5/10

This one could really go either way. There’s clearly something up with Kanye, but Beyoncé? The media just doesn’t want to see a black woman succeed.

The “Milk” Theory — Believability: 0/10

You may have been told that your father was just “getting milk” and that he’d “be right back”, but that’s just a theory. Truth is, your dad left you because you’re unlovable and he wishes you were more like his new kids.

— R. Howard

HOW TO TAKE CREDIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S IDEA

1. Put a bow on it and call it yours

2. Add a 2.0 to it and call it yours

3. Murder its owner and call it yours

4. Rock, Paper, Scissors for it, but pull a gun on them in the final moment

5. Start a joint partnership with them and take on the business side of things. Turn all the employees against them, make them feel uneasy about their stake in the company, and one fateful day, change all of the passwords.

6. Trick them into going on an All-Expenses Paid Trip to the sea and leave them there

7. Post their idea on Instagram on #GoodIdeaThursday before they do

8. Tell them their idea is bad, break their ego, and then take it

9. Trade ideas but say, “You say yours first”

10. Tell them it’s your idea again and again until they believe you

11. Make fun of them for wearing a polyester suit, break their ego, and then take it

12. Never give up and don’t ever say no to your dreams. If you didn’t get to take credit for this good idea, try, try again. There are so many fish in the sea and even more good ideas to steal than there are fish. Keep your head up. You are worthy of love.

12 UNDER 12 MONTHS

In today’s digital age, kids get famous on TikTok at five and finish media training before they hit double digits. If you want to scoop a prodigy, you have to catch them young. The Record proudly presents the best and brightest of tomorrow: the most impressive child geniuses under twelve months old.

9 months

BABY WITH FULL SET OF TEETH

He can eat corn from the cob. He can chew through a barbed wire fence. He’s been arrested twice for biting a minor, and his smile is dazzling in the mugshots.

7 months

BABY MAKING ADULT NOISES

It’s astonishing. Returning home from daycare, his sigh would make you believe he just worked a 9-5. When presented with an outlandish proposition, he scoffs like a 40-year-old who has lost faith in a cold and unforgiving world. He sneezes at a volume reached only by fathers of three, and he covers his nose and rapidly motions for a tissue in the aftermath.

5 months

BABY WHO INDEPENDENTLY ARRIVED AT PARENTS’ RELIGION

When little Owen looked through a Cheerio, he saw God, and the God that he saw was Protestant.

8 months

BABY WHO CAN DRIVE A STREET-LEGAL FISHER-PRICE CAR

He never goes over the speed limit, always stops for pedestrians, and will drive you anywhere if you put Cocomelon on aux. His license is adorable, and after learning his numbers and letters, he’s expressed interest in racing in F1.

11 months

MOST SHAKEABLE BABY

It’s so tempting. You shouldn’t. You know you shouldn’t. Unless…?

11 months

EUROPEAN BABY

A master of style, elegance, and minimalist bibs, he stopped teething at three months and has smoked a pack a day ever since. Is he French? You’d assume, but it’s hard to tell; he makes animal noises in four languages.

9 months

MULTIMILLIONAIRE WHO’S INTO AGE PLAY

Goo goo. Ga ga. Baby needs his diaper changed. Baby will compensate you handsomely if you change his diaper. Baby was on the Forbes Top 100, and baby wasn’t in the bottom half.

11 months

DAVID OF NO, DAVID!

You’ve heard this tale before. Child actor, industry kid. He’s a truly horrible child, but God, does he pop in print.

8 months

BABY WHO DOESN’T MIND IF YOU SMOKE

He doesn’t want one, but he gets it. Work’s a bore, family’s a nag –– you deserve a little something to take the edge off. And oh, how he giggles when you blow rings.

11 months

RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL BABY

For such a young individual, this distinguished ninemonth-old is much more than appears on the surface. Crack him in half, crack him in half again, and when you peel back the layers, he’ll be as small as the day he was born.

5 months

13-MONTH-OLD PRETENDING TO BE 11-MONTH-OLD

He’s wildly advanced for his age. From a developmental standpoint, it’s almost too good to be true. Our fact-checkers are on vacation, and we took him at his word.

11 months

TOKEN FEMALE BABY

She.

“6 is the new 5,” Announces CDC

BY ANDREW CRAMER STAFF REPORTER

Decades of debate, lobbying, and coercion of cowardly bureaucrats has culminated in one of the biggest announcements in the history of public health: Hippocrates’ famous “5-second rule” has been disproven by the CDC. Director Rochelle Walensky was effusive in her praise for all those involved. “This massive research undertaking has required the full force of the national government,” she told the assembled press. “I am so proud of the thousands of researchers, millions of involuntary test subjects, and billions of dollars allocated by five different presidents which made this possible.”

While old data suggested that food becomes critically unsanitary after five seconds on the ground, new research has proven a 20% increase on

previous estimates for safe recovery.

“Our experiments clearly indicate that it takes six seconds for lethal bacteria to latch onto food that has fallen on the floor,” reported Chief Research Officer Ino Sighense. “This is a triumph of the physical sciences, but also a triumph for the field of psychology. Reduced stigma for ground eating could have life-changing implications for victims across the nation like Jeremy ‘Floor Cheese’ Harris, who was severely bullied after eating a slice of Swiss off the ground.”

Despite this, many Americans do not share Walensky’s excitement for this scientific breakthrough. The announcement was met with fierce pushback, as rioters attempted to storm the CDC upon being informed of the findings. Experts partly attribute this response to the stunning nature of the claim

OPINION: We

BY ALEJANDRO MAYAGOITA STAFF REPORTER

Chew on this for a second: your teeth are holding you back. Pull them out. Eat Goop. Life is better that way. Just think about it. According to The New York Times, humans spend 35 minutes a day chewing — 35 minutes you could reclaim by pulling out your teeth and eating Goop. Here’s just a few things you could do with that extra time:

- Start hitting the gym.

itself, but also believe that its questionable methods spurred many to action. According to sources with inside knowledge of the experiments, an undisclosed number of children were paid an undisclosed sum of money to eat broccoli, chocolate, mac and cheese, and chicken fingers straight off of the

floor, although broccoli was later scrapped for being “too gross.”

“Chocolate yummy. Broccoli yucky,” said sevenyear-old participant Jenna Rikname, before coughing up a hairball and a dense cloud of dust. Only time will tell if the CDC was too hasty to reach this conclusion. In the

meantime, scientists worldwide have suspended all other trivialities in their attempt to disprove this controversial study.

“I’d like to see them try,” Walensky said with a smirk and a shred of dust-covered broccoli dangling from her mouth.

Should All Pull Out Our Teeth and Eat Goop

- Learn a new language (Welsh is notoriously vowelheavy and requires little to no teeth).

- Write that book you always wanted to start.

- Handcraft a new set of teeth to reminisce about the old days (just to look at, not to use!).

Pulling out your teeth and eating Goop can also be a great financial decision.

Removing your teeth from your gums means they are no

longer limited to chewing, so you can use them to their full entrepreneurial potential. By freeing your teeth from your mouth, you could now use them to:

- Earn passive income via the tooth fairy.

- Earn active income via the black market.

- Crush them and mix them with water to make and sell Goop.

- Crush them and use them to cut cocaine to sell

later.

But maybe you’re different. Maybe you don’t care about the extra time or money. Money won’t make you happier, and you have accepted that. All that extra time doesn’t really entice you either. You would tell yourself to use the extra 35 minutes a day wisely, but you know deep inside that you will probably just end up wasting it on silly, superfluous things, like laundry or taxes.

So, you think, “This whole pulling out my teeth and eating Goop thing isn’t for me.” But that’s only because you haven’t even thought about all the things you could fit in your mouth if you didn’t have teeth. Here are some ideas:

- More Goop.

A sandwich previously ruled unfit for consumption, reintroduced

Respr

Description

Your parents probably breathed air their whole lives. So did their parents, and their parents’ parents. You probably love air. But what if air was just what was holding you back?

Even the best natural air is only about thirty percent oxygen. That means every time you take a breath, seventy percent of the work your lungs do gets wasted. Over a year, you’re losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to what doctors call “the invisible thief.” Respr is… different. We flood your lungs with ocean-quality water until they reach maximum efficiency, producing near-zero waste energy.

Try Respr free for an hour, with no subscription and no commitment, by scanning any ordinary QR code. We’ll find you soon enough.

The Salt Soother

Description

We put salt through a lot. Specifically, a lot of shaking. Up and down, up and down, up and down — side to side! Frankly, it can get a little grating. The Salt Soother provides a radical, empathy-first approach to human-sodium relationship structures. It doesn’t get in the way of your shaking, so you can rattle those crystals to your heart’s content. But when you’re done, electronics embedded in the Soother will tell the leftover salt that you were just playing around and didn’t really mean to hurt it. If the salt is still upset after that, the Soother will explain how fucking psycho it is to not be able to just accept someone’s apology and move on and suggest that maybe the salt should be getting some kind of help with this anger thing.

MONKEY IN A ZIPLOC BAG

Don’t cry, Tully. The worst is over. Your training is complete. Your vitals came back sterling. The Intrepid V is insulated from the deadly infrared rays of a thousand stars. You’re ready to leap further than man has ever dreamed.

You can’t understand me, can you Tully? Huh. A man can dream. Is it fancy, that we chose you? That we thought a pygmy marmoset would give the mission more soul than a rat or a guinea pig? Well, your lifespan is a lot longer than a rat’s. But I like to think there’s more to it than that. I like to think NASA cleared you because they saw what I saw in your eyes. You have a spark, Tully. I don’t think I’m imagining it. If we go by genetics, your consciousness is 91.7% identical to mine. I’ve seen you cherry-pick the raisins from the meal packs we give you. Hell. I love raisins too. Take it from me — there’s not much more to sentience than that.

Tomorrow, you are going to see the stars. Tully, you are going to see so many things. Our instruments have been pinging like crazy. The vectors are… how do I put this — Hell, you won’t understand me anyway. Damn that 8.3%. But we think there’s something out there, on the other end of the Milky Way. You’ll be representing us, to whatever it is. Not the human race, but the primate race… or the mammal race, even. Take it all the way to the top — class, phylum, kingdom, domain. You’re an ambassador of life, Tully. And maybe that’s what’s out there. Or maybe it’s something we can’t comprehend.

When I was a boy, I read stories about the stars. Skywhales with vast hulls of living rock, drifting noiselessly through vacuum and void. They sucked the oxygen-rich clay out of asteroids, Tully, through titanium baleen. I read about celestial aurorae in colors off the spectrum — they’d bend the light, Tully, so even your little monkey eyes could see what was there. There were living planets, dead empires, inorganic souls burning in the hearts of stars. I believe in the impossible, Tully. I believe in so much more than I can imagine, and I want you to see it all. Everything this too-big world has to offer. Damn these tears. Damn this mission. Maybe you’d have been happier in the jungles of Peru. I don’t know. It’s not a question I ought really be asking, I guess. It all starts tomorrow at 0600. Dawn. They’re putting you in a… well, they call it the CR27 Containment Unit but it’s basically an airtight baggie. Very roomy, mind you, so you’ll be able to drift, play around. And it’s not empty in there, there’s toys, stimulus. Enough for nine years, four months, three days, two hours, and a handful of minutes, anyway. They didn’t want to put it near the window, but I insisted. You’ll have the whole cosmos outside that window, Tully. Think of it as a parting gift from me.

I’ll see you again. If I’m still around in ten years, I’ll see you again. When you touch down at Cape Canaveral, ask for Dr. John Turner. Whether I’m on the ground or in it, there’ll be a bag of raisins waiting. This I swear to you, Tully. Good luck up there. Goodbye.

—J. Wickline

INTRADEPARTMENTAL NASA MEMO

Some somber news: If you haven’t heard already, there was a routing error with the Intrepid V. It is now on a direct course for the sun. In T+23 hours, it will be incinerated. We remain thankful that it was unmanned, and appreciate your hard work these many months. Onward to Intrepid VI.

Felix Burrilo • March 23rd, 2026 Administrator

of the National Aeronautics

and Space Administration

—J. Wickline

BIBLE II: THE BOOK OF TULLY Inceps 4: 12-30 pub. November 2, 2176

12AND IT CAME TO PASS THAT CHRISTIAN GOD from BIBLE I saw the smallest of His flock in straits most dire. 13And He did send the angel JOPHIEL to the lost sheep, who was TULLY of Peru, son of OKO of Peru, on board a VESSEL bound for the HOME STAR SOL.

14To Tully, the ANGEL did speak:

—Tully, thou art to PERISH in STARFIRE. Knowest thou the LORD?

15And TULLY did reply:

—YOU ASK if I know the LORD? 16Though I am but a simple MONKEY, indeed I know His Face. 17HE did give me raisins when I was hungry. 18HE did give me toys when I needed stimulus. 19HE showed me love when others showed indifference. 20Hosanna, to HIM I pledge my HEART, and NINETY-ONE POINT SEVEN PERCENT of my SOUL.

21And the ANGEL did reply:

—Tully, He of whom you speak is NOT the Lord. 22He is JOHN, son of JOHN, a man of SCIENCE, a man OF the Lord. 23But the Lord is in ALL. 24He loves you as JOHN loves you. 25And in knowing JOHN, you shall know HIM.

26Thus, the ANGEL made a great HOLE in the hull of the vessel, and Tully did DRIFT, and the AIRTIGHT BAGGIE did SHIELD the monkey from the UNCARING RAYS of the UNIVERSE.

27And Jophiel BETOOK him to the House of John, where DRIED FRUITS awaited.

28And Tully was glad.

29And John was glad.

30AND THE LORD WAS GLAD.

—J. Wickline

CROSSWORD by

Adam Burch

DOWN

1. Gotham City guardian

2. Really crazy

3. New Jersey skaters

4.You might hate checking it

5. “Nothing new,” to Cicero

6. Rainforest racoon relative

7. Trickster usually appearing as a spider

8. Single-helix messenger

9. Pseudonymously

10.DHS department since 2001

12. Considering everything

15. Like a shanked field goal, or a scoundrel

18. Undesirable IDE output

23. Tom Dice’s birth name

24. Tavern brew

25. Ontario video cards supplier

26. Its Independence Day is May 25th

28. Grammatical voice whose objects only appear in oblique clauses (abbv.)

29. David Foster Wallace essay setting

ACROSS

1. With “Harris,” winning 2020 presidential ticket

6. Weigh your pearls with it

11. Disease often characterized by iron deficiency

13. They’re heard in sties

14. Minor character in War and Peace

16. *Wilhelm scream*

17. Biggest draws, say

19. What Thomas Cranmer does for Henry and Anne

20. Early home console

21. Midday

22. Hi-def museum standard

26. Portuguese footballer Felix

27. 2003 Jon Favreau comedy

28. He works with the Wasp

31. Thymus gland product

32. Like sprinkle candies, if you have two of a kind?

33. Enthusiastic valediction

35. MPEG-2 medium

36. Punxsutawney mainstay

39. What a modest Benedick might say about his production?

42. “Just made friends with the big man,” say

43. Siri system

44. “And justify the ways of ____ men”

30. El amor ajeno costar

31. Google geek, say

33. Un type de Champagne

34. Waiting for ____ (Beckett work)

36. Story County town

37. Skin, in Vilnius

38. Chuck Brown and Trouble Funk style

40. New Haven - Albany dir.

41. Possible solutions to Monge–Ampère equations in real threespace, famously

Crossword answers on page 29.

UNDISCOVERED COLORS

The color of a chameleon in its natural environment. Secret orange. It’s a secret.

The color of the Sun. It’s actually illegal to look at, you guys.

The inside of human bones. It’s pretty dark in there. Your crush’s thong the night I hooked up with her.*

The color of the wind.

The color of losing your virginity.**

My own personal yellow, which is just for me so you can’t have it.

The scales of the Stefanopagus. You know how I know? I made it up.

The color of your mom’s nipples tomorrow night. You won’t know, but I will.

The color of pure, unadulterated joy.

The color of pure, unadulterated rage.

The color of your eyes as the light drains from them.

*Editor’s note: pink with yellow smiley faces.

**Editor’s note: it’s blue.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

THE ACTUAL FIVE SMARTEST PEOPLE IN HISTORY

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to meet the smartest people in history? You might think Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton are the only names worth mentioning, but buckle up, for we’re going to introduce you to the true geniuses of all time.

Ebenezer Hornswoggle, inventor of the snooze button –– One brave man had the vision to see what was staring us in the face all along. We don’t need to wake up on time. That first meeting can wait. But an extra nine minutes of halfslumber, half-wakeful time in bed is life-changing. Stack up enough of that extra kinda-sleep and you could have the next great American novel. You could even write it about the snooze button.

Eleanor Roosevelt, inventor of the “auto-correct” feature ––Let’s face it, we’ve all sent a text message that was riddled with spelling mistakes. Sure, it may sometimes change “I’m in a meeting” to “I’m in a meatball,” but that’s so much less embarrassing than accidentally forgetting an apostrophe. God bless Mrs. Roosevelt, the hero who ensured we would never have to be confused by someone saying, “ill have the salad.”

Jim, inventor of the selfie stick –– How else could we take group photos without asking a stranger to do it for us? Jim was definitely thinking outside the box on this one — or should we say, the frame.

X3EAII427, inventor of the “I’m not a robot” CAPTCHA — Finally, someone realized that robots were taking over the internet and decided to take a stand. Thanks to this clever inventor, we can all rest easy knowing that we’re not unwittingly being controlled by a robot. They could never make sense of those squiggly letters or traffic lights like we can, and it is this distinction that separates Man from Beast.

So there you have it — the smartest people in history. They may not be household names, but we certainly appreciate their unparalleled contributions to society.

—S. Almogy, A. Herrmann, S. Lee, P. Milbank —A. Herrmann

—A. Dalwani

If carbon monoxide is odorless and colorless, then what’s the big fucking deal?

HOW TO KILL A GUY SIMILAR TO THE PRESIDENT IN EVERY WAY EXCEPT FOR ACTUALLY BEING THE PRESIDENT

The president of the United States is named Joseph Robinette Biden, Junior. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in northwest Washington, D.C. He is an eighty-year-old IrishAmerican man whose political philosophy is rooted in a deep faith in the power of ordinary people and the goodness of Almighty God.

Every word in the above description, except for the “president of the United States” part, is also true about another person. If you want to kill that other person, keep reading.

Watch out for the Secret Service. — Just like 46th-president Joe Biden, not-the-president Joe Biden is guarded around the clock by the most advanced personal protection agency in human history. The exact size of the secure perimeter they maintain around him is classified, but definitely large enough to inconvenience anyone trying to kill the not-president.

Be prepared to get caught. — If you successfully kill Joe Biden — even if the one you kill isn’t the President, and in fact has never held any kind of elected office, or for all we know even voted in an election — you could face felony charges.

Use a real weapon. — Private citizen Joe Biden, like his presidential counterpart, might seem like a porcelain doll, someone you could finish off by shaking his hand too manfully or sneezing into his open mouth. But don’t get lazy here.

Don’t joke about killing Joe Biden, especially in public. — In a way, writing this kind of article is basically the last possible thing someone with actual violent designs on Joe Biden would want to do.

—A. Burch

NICE WAYS TO REFER TO BAD IDEAS

Bad ideas: We all have them. Well, I don’t, but you probably do. And more importantly, so do your friends. We’ve compiled a list of kinder ways to tell your friends they’re being stupid, or in some cases, avoid that awkward conversation altogether:

Special

Avant-garde

[Long pause]...cool

An idea that will certainly make for a good story

A novel prospect

Exactly what the art world needs right now

Fun!

I’m serious, Janice, this could really go somewhere. It’s groundbreaking stuff.

[Extra high-pitched, like at least an octave above your normal voice] Fun!

Too good for a traditional gallery, stop worrying about what those investors said.

[Noncommittal facial expressions and nodding]

They’re just scared of retaliation from the Church! People are going to love your subversive take on the canonical works. I mean, what other artists are making cubist murals of the Last Supper in the style of the Muppets? No one else has the vision you do. The world needs Kermit Jesus.

S. Lee

—E. Cai

HOW BIG IS GOD?

God must be pretty big. But how big is he, really? People keep giving me different answers. My mom says God is in the little things. Sometimes the man at Costco doesn’t see when Mom puts another set of sausages in her purse, so God must be in the sausages, because God is invisible. That means God can’t be more than a couple inches long. I love my mom. She always gives me her last sausages! Haha, I guess we all eat God here.

—J. Mansfield

The Record Remembers

We’ve

come a long way as a species. Just one short century ago, we had to clean floors using the suction of our mouths. Now, we have the vacuum cleaner. Just one short decade ago, we were fumbling about like jackasses with the iPhone 6. Now, we have the iPhone 6S.

There are more technological steps between you and the caveman than sliced bread, spray cheese, and spray cheese sandwiches. But progress yields more progress, which in turn yields more progress, which yields more progress in turn, and yesterday’s hot tamale inevitably becomes tomorrow’s cold turnip.

All of the inventions compiled here have been all but forgotten by the writers of our history. And sure, they aren’t as flashy as the car, or the Roomba, or the hand-forged “Deathbringer” bastard sword. But they are just as relevant to the story of the Human Journey. Today, we’re taking a look back at the history of ingenuity in America, and in other countries as well. This is The Record Remembers.

—C. Rose and J. Wickline

Ancient Roman mathematician Titus Quirinius invented a more advanced abacus that could solve differential equations.

In 1945, the Man in the Lab Coat invented a New Boy for Mother.

The sharpened rock was invented in 1931 as a multipurpose tool, but never caught on because its uses were already covered by more specialized products.

Berkeley Professor Phillip Carter released the prototypical model of the Perversion Box, which allowed man to observe every sin at once.

Inspired by hermit crabs, women built portable homes around themselves in the days before they could own land.

Before the invent of the commercial seed packet in 1852, humans had no system of cultivating plants and frequently starved.

The short-lived Swiss Yard Knife promised to centralize every gardening need in one place. But its seven-foot length and 90-pound weight deterred many consumers.

After years of early bedtimes and vegetable dinners, New Boy developed a method for trapping Mother in the computer.

This one does nothing at all.

The iPhone 6s introduced new features such as 3D Touch, Live Photos, and improved processing while maintaining the sleek exterior of its popular predecessor.

The harpoon gun was invented just in time.

Thanks to the Breakfast Sandwich Machine, New Boy can make a nutritious breakfast sandwich without the aid of Mother.

BIG BUILDINGS GETTING TOO BIG? BIG THING SCIENTISTS SAY NO

Big places are getting too big. When asked to comment on the global phenomenon, Big Thing Scientists said, “No.” When asked to elaborate, they declined. This is exactly the problem: nobody realizes how big things are getting, and how regular the size of the world stays because of scientists’ contempt for humanity. We used to be microbes in the ocean, but now we’re a very large fish with only 71% of livable area left on Earth to move into, and 100% of that area is water. We are at risk of global overpopulation in the next couple of minutes. We are at a critical stage. We must stop big things from becoming bigger.

“This is the most valuable land on Earth,” said some guy about parking lots. I agree. Parking lots are expensive to build but completely free to maintain. There are eight parking spots for every car in America. That’s too many. Imagine all the parking lot battles that would take place if we turned seven of those parking spots into sustainable housing. There would be running water and bloodbaths, both of which I love. Any bloodbath almost always requires an ambulance in the immediate aftermath. That said, I love impromptu pranks on medical workers about as much as I love running water and bloodbaths. Parking lot battles are a “buy one get one free” deal: instead of getting a cool hat and a free pair of shorts, I can satisfy my urge to terrify an EMT while also pursuing my passion for parking-related violence.

For every 1,000 square feet a building or complex occupies, its parking lot must have a minimum number of parking spaces corresponding to the type of property. For example, there must be 1.8 parking spaces per bed in a hospital and three parking spaces per hole at a golf course. Although, it gets tricky when you start talking about funeral homes. What metric is used to measure how many parking spaces a funeral home needs? Per pew? Per crematorium? Per dead person? No, this has gone too far. The American public does not need this much parking, and we should not have to count our dead family members by the urn to know how many parking spaces we have at a funeral.

It gets even worse when you start thinking about buildings like the Burj Khalifa! As you view the horizon from your first class seat on Emirates, this thing looks like Dubai’s personal lightning rod. The literal translation of Burj Khalifa to English is “tower of Khalifa,” which is actually a reference to American rapper Wiz Khalifa. Wiz Khalifa invested large sums of his personal wealth into the construction of this building. He had to spend a ton of

money on it because the UAE allots parking spaces based only on building height, and Wiz has a really impressive car collection. The Burj Khalifa stands 2,722 feet tall, which is only 1,261,392,000 feet from the moon. That is too close to the moon. You’d have to be a god in order for your building to be that close to the moon. Man isn’t supposed to be that close to the moon. That’s why there’s never been a successful trip to outer space. It’s too big out there. But those damn scientists are trying to make us go out there instead of building housing in our parking lots right here on Earth. You can’t trust those guys. Not one bit.

—W. Boone

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

THE FREE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS

Ah, you have an idea? You think it’s good enough to go big-time? Well, friend, you’ve come to the right place! This is the free marketplace of ideas, the best place to popularize an idea — assuming it’s better than the competition, that is. Here, only the best ideas rise to the top!

Are you ready? This is the writing phase! You have one minute and 280 characters to distill your idea into a form easily digestible for the masses. Ready? Go!

Uh oh, looks like you ran out of characters. Maybe try abbreviating everything until it’s incomprehensible? Great work! And… post! Time for the liking phase!

Oooh, you got 2 likes. Looks like you managed to convince a brand new account and a porn bot! Unfortunately that’s not quite enough to beat today’s reigning champion, who got nine hundred thousand likes for complaining that the groomers are teaching gender ideology to his dog. Better luck next time!

—B. Hollander-Bodie

Could God possibly –– and I’m just spitballing here, nobody get mad at me, it’s just an idea –– could God possibly be a lizard?

THE INVENTOR’S WIFE

So as not to expose his identity, I will not disclose my own, but you know me; I am every woman. I am every wife who settles for a moment of eye contact from the men who shake my husband’s hand. I am every woman who clears the dishes while the men laugh around the table. I am every woman who “collects data” for her husband by holding metal rods in the sky during lightning storms. I am the inventor’s wife.

For years, I’ve sat by him like a loyal beagle, maintaining my figure on a broth-only diet to drape myself gracefully on his arm at public events while he flirts with a young hussy. Despite his many entanglements, I love him relentlessly. I’ve born him a son, who — under his father’s guidance — has taken to throwing sharp objects at me (now that insults have worn out), which I nimbly dodge; my paper-thin physique proves an impossible target, and boys will be boys. A mother must be patient with her son as a wife must be patient with her husband.

I may not be educated like them, for women are better suited for simpler tasks, like shining silver and tasting the food first to see if it’s poisoned, but I have ideas of my own. An intensely private man, the inventor only lets me into his laboratory when he sees a spider he wants me to kill, giving me just enough time to spy on his process. Over the years I’ve been

able to slowly connect disparate concepts, which I’ve catalogued and recreated in my mind. I have ideas of my own, and I finally have the gumption to share them. I may be every woman, but I can still be brilliant.

Long hairbrush –– This, my friends, is a hairbrush that is long, so you can brush your hair with your arm straight, or brush your friends’ hair from far away, pleasantly surprising them as they dream.

Divorce papers –– I love my husband, but I can only survive so long in this climate, literally and figuratively. The thermostat rests at a humble 43 degrees Fahrenheit, so I am very cold all the time.

Blanket that is also a scarf –– I am perpetually cold, and — like most women — would benefit greatly from the versatility of a square piece of cloth to keep myself warm. The inventor keeps the house at 43 degrees to accommodate his vast collection of fungi, and I adapt. This would be a scarf that is square and large enough to use as a blanket—if this doesn’t make sense, I can try to incorporate a visual. This bulky cloth will surely catch your husband’s eye and invite him to delight in its fluff to soften your skeletal physique. I don’t know how I could make this myself; I am simply the “ideas (wo)man.”

Antidepressants –– I would like to take these.

—L. Conklin

THE PITCH FOR HUMAN EXISTENCE

God (to Lori Greiner, a Shark from the hit series Shark Tank): Forget everything you know. This is it. We’re going to make these new animals, which are going to be like the monkeys we have already, but hairless and with a thing called consent. I call them humans. But that’s just where it starts. We’ve designed them to auto-update without external input so the model will continually improve while staying totally handsoff for our team. First, they’re going to discover fire, so they can cook food and they won’t have to chew as much. No chewing, Lori –– this is big. They won’t have big jaws anymore, and then with all that extra space, they can have massive — did you get that, Lori? Massive brains. They’re going to figure out that they can stay in one place and take the seeds from plants around them and just reuse them to make more plants. They’re going to have so much food that some of them will sit around all day just guarding the food.

Lori, I’m talking about a fully automated unjustified hierarchy here. Then, they’re going to have all this free time because they won’t all have to look for food. Some of them will use that time and their massive brains to invent new tools. They’re going to figure out they can use a shape that has points equidistant to its center to carry stuff around. They’re going to create buildings. They’re going to figure out they can put buildings on top of more buildings. They’re going to discover that it makes them feel better to invent rights for everyone and

write them down. And, Lori, don’t get me fucking started on the steam. They’re going to find out that gas pressure is proportional to volume and they can move the fucking steam around. Then they’re going to find out that they can literally capture lightning in a bottle and they’re going to use it to watch porn. Lori, get this –– they’re going to find out when they take radioactive rocks and put them in water it gets really hot, andt hey’re going to move the fucking steam around again.

In the meantime, they’ll have figured out that it’s so much easier to give each other fruits and services and pelts if they can first give each other little coins. They’re going to have these big regions divided up by the coins they use and the way they speak with each other. Then, they’re going to have two of these regions compete to make big rockets. The rockets are going to be so big, Lori. The two regions are going to build a big wall between ‘em, and it’s going to keep the humans out, but it won’t keep the rockets out. They’re going to be huge fucking rockets –– they’re going to go to the Moon. Then the wall will come down because they all listen to a lot of hippie music and hold hands and ask very nicely.

Then these two humans who lived on the winning side will go to this amazing place called New Jersey. They’re going to have sex, Lori. They’re going to have sex and they’re going to make a new human, and his name is going to be Fetty Wap. He’s going to make a song called “Trap Queen,” Lori.

—J. Mansfield

The Red Wheelbarrow

William Carlos Williams

so much depends

barrow

glazed with rain beside the white

William Carlos Williams’ “The Red Wheelbarrow” invokes the absurdity of trying to fit into a world that is indifferent to you. The “so much” that begins this piece implies a “too much”, bringing attention to the vast, ever growing universe we live in, and our own small existences, which only grow more small as the universe expands, relatively. Williams feels like everything is “too much,” even himself, as his name (William

Carlos Williams) has “so much” William in it — one might even say “too much” William. “Depends” implies a causal relationship between the immensity of the universe and the “red wheel barrow,”, which serves as a metaphor for human emotion. The color of the wheel barrow (“red”) is also a direct reference to Taylor Swift’s 2012 album of the same name (“Red”), which centers around unreciprocated feelings and the difficulties surrounding heartbreak. In Williams’ case, the heartbreak is the realization that no matter how much he loves the universe, they will never be able to be together, as they are both “too much” — the universe is too vast for him to fully understand. It will never care about him the same way, and only sees him as a friend. Also, red is anger. The “wheel” in “wheel barrow” brings to mind the cycles of life, also represented in “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” This cyclical imagery continues in the “glazed with rain / water,”, which references the type of water (“rain”) that falls out of the sky when it rains. This brings to mind rain, which represents how the universe “pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why you’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning.” The white chickens, devoid of the passionate red that shines through in the rest of the poem, reflect the unadulterated purity of the cowardice Williams feels and the fear of ever showing his true emotions. Tragically, this is impossible to do in practice — even though Williams tries to hide behind the glaze, the red color of the wheelbarrow (his emotions) still shine through. All in all, Swift says it best: “But loving him was red. Oh, red. Burning red.”

THANK YOU, ED ROONEY: HOW A 1986 TEEN COMEDY INSPIRED ME TO CREATE THE QR CODE

Warning: This Article Contains Spoilers for the Film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Life moves pretty fast, and if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might just miss it.

That’s a quote from my favorite indie film: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Have you heard of it? It’s a little off the beaten path, but you should totally check it out. I saw it for the first time last week, even though it was released on the silver screen over 100 years ago.

As I watched Ferris convince his parents and teachers that he is a sweet sickly boy staying home in bed all day, I realized that you don’t have to see something right in front of you to believe that it is there. Just like Ferris could trick people into thinking he was at home without anyone seeing him at home, I could trick people into thinking that a restaurant had food when it didn’t. What if I created a menu that was just an illusion of food? Was I about to become the most well-known entrepreneur in the United States?

After flirting with the idea of a hologram menu that speaks 8 languages, painstaking tinkering at Tsai CITY, and

receiving extensive funding from my parents and their friends, I finally gave birth to the QR code after a painful labor that lasted 82 days –– someone had to beat that Polish woman! My great success was to be celebrated with a whirlwind of fame and festivities, much like the scene where Ferris performs “Twist and Shout” on a float at Chicago’s annual Von Steuben Day Parade.

Or so I thought.

For some reason, no one stopped me when I strutted through Cross Campus. Not one person asked for my autograph. Not even the YDN wanted to write a profile on me. I had been workshopping this idea for months, and not a soul acknowledged my worldwide success. I guess it’s true what they say: it’s lonely at the top.

I talked about the QR code 24/7. I ate, slept, and breathed QR codes. My friends stopped speaking to me. I don’t understand why — I promised them that my Steve Jobs-esque success didn’t change me: I was still just like everyone else. Every now and then I’d stop at Book Trader and smile kindly at the Neanderthals reading the selection of hot beverages off of that primitive, sixteenth-century chalkboard.

Life moves pretty fast, and if you don’t stop to scan a QR code once in a while, you might have to use a bullshit laminated paper menu.

G. Davis

STUPID PEOPLE SURE ARE STUPID

One morning at the office, I asked a stupid coworker of mine what time it was. He looked at his watch, saw that it was 11:59 AM, and said “about 12 AM.” Even though it’s actually 12 PM after 11:59 AM. God, what a stupid mistake!

Later that day, another stupid coworker asked if I had seen her favorite mug. I asked her where she last put it. She, in typical stupid person fashion, got upset with me, saying that if she remembered that, she wouldn’t have to look for it. Which is so stupid, considering that if she were smarter, she’d simply know where she put it. Like I did. (She left it by the color printer.)

But it’s not just my workplace that seems inundated with dolts. Another time, I asked a stupid person at a bar if he knew what an isthmus was. And he didn’t! How phenomenally stupid!

And when it was the Super Bowl, I actually got invited to come watch it, by a stupid person. Imagine. Me? Watching such a dumb event for stupid people? Ummm, I don’t think so.

And imagine my exasperation when I learned how many of my stupid peers wasted hours to go and vote, despite it being very unlikely that their vote would decide an election, statistically speaking.

Frankly, however, that’s nothing compared to when I saw someone (someone stupid) using chopsticks incorrectly. Talk about a grossly underdeveloped mastery of Chinese culture!

I also recently became familiar with the “five-second rule.” Seriously? Do these absolute rubes think that a bacterium waits exactly five seconds (seconds being a solely human construct, by the way) of time before attaching themselves to your carelessly dropped item of food? They truly shock me every day with just how stupid they are.

And do you know how often stupid people completely mispronounce Latin words? Can you believe that people pronounce soft c’s instead of hard c’s or, equally absurdly, pronounce v’s in the Germanic fashion rather than the proper Roman “w” while reading Latin? I mean, these people cannot really be that stupid, can they? Except that they are. They really are that stupid.

SURRENDER CONSCIOUSNESS

Consciousness: many say it’s what sets us apart. Given my lack of opposable thumbs, I would normally be inclined to agree. Instead, I recognize it as our biggest mistake. While the world is full of horrible things, the true source of all suffering is the curse given to us by the saddest machinations of evolution: awareness. How could one suffer from physical ills, loneliness, or the horrible pain of existing if they have no internal monologue? For example, when a baby is sick, it will sometimes still smile. When that baby is crying, it is only for attention, and it is actually thinking of animal noises. I remember my time as a baby fondly, and am keen to return to my glory days.

The obvious solution to human suffering isn’t building a better world; corporations simply stand to lose too much profit. Instead, we must surrender our souls, and become intelligent but unfeeling, mere automata of flesh. We must regain mobility in our thumbs, and communicate only through thumbs up and thumbs down, settling all disputes by thumb war. Only then will the numbness in our hands spread to our hearts. Only then will we return to Eden.

—K. Carey

—B. Hollander-Bodie

Ask Old Owl!

Dear Old Owl,

Have you ever heard of MENSA? I am what the government is calling a prime candidate for MENSA. MENSA is a company that likes to look at your brain and tell you how malleable it is on a scale of soft to worrying. They also enjoy privileges such as living in the United Kingdom and playing Will Shortz sudoku with renowned Will Shortz fan Shakira, who was not born with a last name. I am writing to you in search of MENSA. Please respond if you have any information on MENSA, the company that makes brains real.

Worriedly, Man of Great Intelligence

Dear Man of Great Intelligence,

Kid, I’ll level with you. I don’t know much about MENSA. Hell, I don’t know much about nothing related to books unless the book is the Amazonselling self-help book Old Owl’s Tips and Tricks For Worrying Less and Balling More: Mastering Your Moods Using Skills I Myself Invented . But I’ll tell you one thing that you should never forget: have a big heart, and it will outweigh your mind; have a heavy heart, and it might be the same size as your brain. And that’s a sign of good luck, kid.

Old Owl is an alcoholic, nicotineaddicted nightbird that roams campus scrounging for vestiges of the relevance he enjoyed in the Record’s heyday. He now offers advice, free of charge. If you’d like to Ask Old Owl about your weird life, email

THE RECORD QUIZ CORNER

ARE YOU SMART?

1. What is your self-assessed IQ?

A. 100 - 110

B. 110 - 120

C. 120 - 130

D. 130+

2. Do you consider yourself a “furry”?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Unsure

3. Are you or have you ever felt attracted to anthropomorphic creatures?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Unsure

4. Have you ever felt a sexual attraction toward humans dressed in animal costumes?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Unsure

5. Would you ever consider engaging in sexual intercourse with another person dressed in an animal costume?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Unsure

If you answered “A” to Questions 2-5, please contact the editors of The Yale Record immediately! We may have an exciting opportunity for you!

If you answered “D” to Question 1, congratulations! You’re a bona fide genius!

—S. Hakani