The Corporate Issue by The Yale Record

Vol. 139, No. 8

The Yale

April 18, 2011

Record AMERICA'S OLDEST COLLEGE HUMOR MAGAZINE

The Corporate Issue

Writers, Artists, Designers, Business-Minded People

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ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA! Dear arm-wrestling contests, We’re still manlier than you. Well. In a way. −Dick-wrestling contests

MAN’S OUTSTRETCHED ARMS NOT WIDE ENOUGH TO ACCURATELY PORTRAY PENIS SIZE Dear little pencils they always have in libraries, Don’t worry. One day you’ll grow long and big like a real pencil. Eraser and everything. Signed, A man who doesn’t know how trees work Dear LL Cool J, “Ladies Love Cool James”? Please. Could you be any less factually accurate? −LL Big Dicks

Dear blind date, Get the joke? You’re now my blind date! Now yes, maybe I went too far when I used my butter knife to dig both your eyeballs out at the dinner table. But my God, what a joke! I’ll get the check, Arguably the worst date you’ve ever had

BLIND MAN ANSWERS FRANCIS SCOTT KEY: NO, I CAN’T Dear American Bureau of Crime Statistics, I know there’s very little I can do to rid myself of the label “murder capital of the US,” but I was wondering if you would give out permission for people to say the word “murder” very quietly when using it, or using a white font when they write it. Optimistically, The City of Camden

Dear Mom, You told me learning to write letters was an important skill to have even in this day and age of internet and, as you said, instant gratification. I disagree, and, to illustrate my point, I’m writing to let you know that our house is on fire. I’m afraid this letter won’t get to you for another 2 or 3 days what with the postal system and all, but at least I told you in the traditional manner, right? Sincerely, Your son, Eric Dear girl putting on suntan lotion, You’re rubbing that stuff all over your body to protect yourself, but I thought I’d let you know that I have an SPF of 1,000. −David Gupta, SM ’14 P.S. By SPF I mean Sexy Penis Factor.

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CLOSET TOO FULL OF FABULOUS OUTFITS TO HAVE ANY ROOM FOR GAY MAN Dear Tostitos logo, Until two weeks ago I didn’t realize your logo included two people happily eating chips over a bowl of salsa. I’m afraid I can no longer buy Tostitos, as I do not have a friend to share them with or money to buy salsa. I have tuberculosis, An orphan Dear Apples to Apples, I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to discover that you are just a board game rather than a peer group for at-risk young apples. Very frustrated, The mother of a rotten apple

MAN WITH LOCKJAW “REALLY COULDN’T EAT ANOTHER BITE” Dear bikram yoga, Paying $50 to sit in a boiling hot room and contort yourself into impossible positions? Please, you might as well just become a child prostitute in Thailand. Help me, A child prostitute in Thailand Dear Penny, Golly, if I had a dollar for every time I accidentally left you in a savings account that had 0.5 percent interest for 923 years, well—that’d be just about right. −An investment banker whose daughter, Penny, will be found dead in a bank vault a millennium from now

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The Yale Record

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YOU CAN’TCollege ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT, BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, YOU JUST MIGHT GET THE CLAP

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t’s my last semester at Yale, and since my hopes of making millions off my hilarious editorials have died, I’m looking for a job. I’ll be the first to tell you that the job hunt can become demoralizing at times. For example, some people might get discouraged after the twelfth interview in which the words “highly unqualified,” “of questionable intelligence,” and “there is no such thing as nap time here” are used copiously, but not this corporate woman. Luckily, I have the Record staff and an arsenal of antidepressants (mixed responsibly with alcohol, of course) to help boost my self-confidence. When I mentioned at a staff meeting that I was still struggling to land a job, everybody was really supportive and bursting with suggestions. “Have you tried strip clubs?” “Have you tried topless bars?” “Did someone already say strip clubs?” “To be fair, it’s kind of a rip-off to pay to see Melissa’s boobs. Have you thought about killing yourself?” Did I say the staff was supportive? Because I meant douchey. Real fucking douchey. “But seriously, guys, do you have any real job advice?” I asked

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as I hurriedly scribbled “Strip club?” on the spare thong I keep in my pocket. The room fell silent. Eyes looked towards the ceiling. Jordy, like clockwork, started crying. I continued. “Have any of you ever had a job?” A tumbleweed rolled by. Now River was crying, but only because he couldn’t get his package of Twinkies open. It was obvious these people needed help navigating their way through Corporate America, and I was just the captain of industry to lead the way. Being rejected from jobs counts as an industry, right? I called UCS to see if we could arrange a group meeting to go over the basics of working as an evil corporate pawn, but as soon as I said I was with the Record, the phone would mysteriously disconnect. When I called and said I was with the YDN, though, the secretary told me, “Oh, honey, you just missed our Professional Douchebaggery series of talks. I’ll let you know when we schedule the Business 101 for Sanctimonious Assholes panel.” Frustrated, I thought maybe we could get some handson experience by interning on Wall Street. Christian Bale made investment banking look like so much fun in American Psycho (full disclosure: I have not seen American Psycho), and Record staffers do love blow. It was a match made in heaven! The entire staff managed to get jobs with J. P.

Morgan by claiming to be J.P.’s illegitimate grandchildren, and soon enough, we were making copies, getting coffee, and signing off on sub-prime mortgages 18 hours a day. Things quickly deteriorated, though. Dana’s preoccupation with finding someone to have sex with on the copy machine hindered her productivity, and Jerry had nightmares about using the copier for weeks. We were handing out loans to anybody who happened to walk into our office, and while this is standard Wall Street operating procedure, it didn’t help that we also then gave loans to ourselves to buy a Dairy Queen franchise. I think Paul expressed our shock best when we were given our pink slips: “Well, we could have seen this one coming.” So, what had we learned? Sure, professionalism in the workplace is important, and having a good work ethic helps, but really, having a job blows. Excuse me, let me speak in a more businesslike tone: having a job blows, and now let me pretend to have an email on my Blackberry so that I look more important than you.

—M. Chiasson The Yale Record April 2011

Chairman: Jordy Greenblatt ‘11

Editor-in-Chief: Melissa Chiasson ‘11 Publisher: Jerry Wang ‘13 Design Editor: Ngozi Ukazu ‘13 Managing Editors: River Clegg ‘11, Dana Zhu ‘12 Art Director: Paul Robalino ‘12 Staff Director: David Kemper ‘13 Supplementals Editor: Nina Beizer ‘12 Online Editor: Wesley Bolin ‘12 Business Manager: Alli Hugi ‘13 Publicity Manager: Lincoln Sedlacek ‘13 Staff Writers & Artists: Simon Chaffetz ‘12, Juliet deButts ‘14, Matthew Dernbach ‘13, Daniel Fraser ‘14, Tasha Garcia ‘11, Ben Green ‘14, Zack Kagin ‘11, Andrew Kahn ‘14, Nell Klugman ‘12, Yoonjoo Lee ‘12, Stephanie Naratil ‘11, Valerie Naratil ‘11, Jack Newsham ‘14, Sofia Nicholson ‘14, Jacob Paul ‘13, Emily Sandford ‘14, Sydney Shea ‘14, Ellen Su ‘13, Michelle Taylor ‘13, Bill Toth ‘11, Autumn Von Plinsky ‘13, Kaan Vural ‘12, Catherine White ‘13 Contributing Writers & Artists: Jacob Evelyn ‘13, Hody Nemes ‘13, Rahul Kini ‘14, Old Owls: Judd Rosenblatt ‘11 Senior Editors: Jessica Bolhack ‘11, Alison Gates ‘11, Emily Sigman ‘11 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, the Advisory Board, and Synergy Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Ellen Su, who is the CEO of Lehman Brothers Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXXXIX, No. 8, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com • Subscriptions: $30/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2010 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

APPLICATION FOR MEDIEVAL TORTURE CHAMBER INTERNSHIP

which to soothe overworked torture chamber attendants -neat disposal of body parts and bodies

Seeking: qualified interns who are serious about pursuing a hands-on career in information and body part extraction

All applicants are asked to answer the following questions, in addition to sending in a résumé.

Applicants must be: -orphaned, or possessing an extreme dislike of their parents and relatives. Since our torture chamber often receives a high volume of local townspeople, it is important that our interns maintain a professional attitude toward all incoming prisoners. Successful applicants should be able to meticulously tear the nails off the hands of anyone, regardless of genealogy. -physically fit. Daily tasks often include shoveling dirt over the mangled remains of a full-grown man or carrying buckets full of the plucked-out eyeballs of prisoners. All applicants are required to undergo an ax-wielding strength trial; those who accidentally cleave themselves in half unfortunately cannot be considered for the position. -creative in use of torture implements. Interns are often asked to identify which combination of tools can most efficiently produce the correct level of excruciating pain. Previous experience in using unusual torture devices including, but not limited to, pliers, feather boas and potholders is strongly encouraged.

Questions: What does the phrase “medieval torture chamber” mean to you? How have you developed this interest in your studies, extracurricular activities and previous work experience? What kind of sick, twisted qualities will you bring to this position? Where do you see yourself torturing five years from now? −D. Zhu

Responsibilities: -cleaning and inventory of torture implements -weekly presentation on application and efficacy of various torture techniques on specific prisoners -baking of chocolate chip and/or oatmeal raisin cookies with

INGREDIENTS FOR BUSINESS SUCCESS Chocolate chips Synergy Walnuts Celebrity endorsement Eye of newt 9x13 baking pan White sugar Brown sugar (for diversity) The blood of a virgin secretary Vanilla extract A Harvard degree Butter

−Staff

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WHY IS MORALE SO LOW AT MY BABY COFFIN FACTORY?

−L. Sedlacek

L. Sedlacek L. Sedlacek

Dear Diary, I’ve tried everything: company picnics, team-building exercises, and competitive games of “Go Fish.” Dammit, I even planned a party celebrating the first birthdays of all of our customers (since they clearly weren’t enjoying them). Yet still—still—morale at my baby coffin factory is at an all-time low. It all started a few months ago, when Sylvia complained to me that she couldn’t work without becoming depressed. Like any good manager, I told her to grow a pair and get back to work, because if she didn’t finish her current project by the end of the day, it would be the last nail in the figurative coffin of her career. It soon became apparent, however that my problems were bigger than just Sylvia. Several of my employees were bursting into tears (pretty annoying tears, I might add) on a daily basis. For Christ’s sake, Bernie would start blubbering every five minutes. I know his newborn son had died the previous Thursday, but I have to say, it’s a bit unprofessional for him to let his personal life affect his work performance like that. Still, I had to do something. So, like any boss who cares deeply about his employees’ mental health, I put my mind toward brainstorming morale boosters even better than the ones I had come up with last year for “Dead Baby Weekend.” I’d have to think hard if I wanted to top those goody bags—the one’s shaped like little baby body bags. First, I brought in cake. Not just any cake, either; I had it custom made. It was coffin-shaped and intricately decorated, complete with a delicious, sugary epitaph. I told everyone that there was even a prize involved—hidden inside the cake was a plastic baby. Whoever got the slice with the baby in it would get a free vacation day! And here was the great part—they all got vacation days! I had used one of my daughter’s life-sized baby dolls so that the entire cake would be full of baby. But then everyone started crying (Are my employees even capable of expressing emotions in any way other than stupid, crocodile tears?), and they all ended up using their vacation day right then and there, and we had to close early for the day. I started to suspect that the problem was the nature of their work. Maybe they felt that, because babies are young and stupid, their work wasn’t appreciated. So I spent a weekend attending a few of the funerals for which we had

made coffins. I took some pictures and made—if I do say so myself—a pretty sweet-ass PowerPoint of all the kiddos that got to use our coffins. I thought it might boost everyone’s spirits if they saw that their work meant something, that it wasn’t just going into a hole in the ground. But when they—surprise, surprise—started crying, it wasn’t out of happiness, but sympathy for the parents. “I just wanna hold ‘em!” Bernie sobbed. “I just wanna let ‘em cry in my shoulder and tell ‘em it’s all gonna be okay!” I wish he’d been able to control himself; he was wailing so loudly that everyone missed my great use of transition sound effects. My favorite was the “Wwwa, wwwa, wwwa, wwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” that played when it went to the slide of the parents crying into each other’s shoulders. Sigh. How hard it is, to be a manager. I put up with so much. Anyway, hopefully everything will be better in a few weeks. A lovely couple put in an order for a coffin the other day, and I’m going to take everyone to see the family while the kid’s still on life support. They can talk to her and play peek-a-boo, or whatever you do with babies on their deathcribs. I just know it’ll raise morale. And the following week, when we put the little girl’s coffin together and inscribe her name in gold lettering along the end, I know my staff will be the happiest they’ve been since we had that order canceled last spring. You know, when that three-month-old from Wisconsin made his miraculous recovery. I still don’t know why they were happy about that, seeing as they all missed out on a $100 bonus.

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THE ALTERNATIVE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CORPORATE TERMINOLOGY

−S. Arieh-Lerer

Vacuum Space: Boy, do our vacuums suck! Carl’s Coffins: Putting the FUN in your loved one’s fu- neral. End-Life: The last suicide pills you’ll ever need! Bob’s Trash Removal: Grabbing your junk quicker than your neighborhood sex offender. The House of Pancakes: It’s not actually made of pancakes…but it’d be awesome if it were. The Keyboard Factory: Putting the Q, W, E, R, T, and Y into QWERTY. Guns, Guns, Guns!: Our guns will blow you away! Orion’s Belts: Big enough for even your fat ass. The One-Trick Pony Farm: They only do one trick, but dammit they do it well. Petey’s Prostitutes: Sex so good, it’s illegal. −L. Sedlacek

P. Robalino

Asset: a term in finance jargon referring to buttocks (derriere) of feminine gender. Compare with the masculine “ass.” It is important to note that the gender of one’s buttocks is independent of one’s own gender. Thus it is no infrequent occurrence that a man is endowed with quite a nice asset. Example: Applicant: On this page of my résumé I have neatly displayed for you all of my assets. Interviewer: You shouldn’t have. Team Player: an individual who plays the 1998 Nintendo game “Team.” The multiplayer game was famously marketed as a motivator for socially inept gamers to make friends, with the tagline “There’s no ‘I’ in Team!” This foray into pro-social gaming ended with the release of Apple’s user-friendly remake, iTeam. Example: Boss: Tod, I’m pleased with your performance on the group spreadsheet. You must be real a team player. Tod: Shut up! Just because I play video games seven hours a day doesn’t mean that’s what defines me! You sound just like my mother! Boss: … Power Point: What your section asshole calls every comment he makes in class. Example: Douche Sectionist: Remember that power point I made in section? Other Student: The one about Kierkegaard? DS: Yes. OS: That wasn’t even a comment. That was just you saying the word “Kierkegaard” really loudly. DS: I cut to the chase. OS: Why are you in linear algebra? Braille Out: Blind CEOs wanted their own term because they thought it would be cute. It’s not. Example: Blind CEO: Hey, guess what. My company got brailled out by the government. Not-Blind CEO: Please stop using that term. Bottom Line: The Bottom Line refers to a pick up line which never fails to get an intern to expose her asset (see above). Example: Boss: Would you be interested in a paid summer job?

WORST AD SLOGANS EVER: GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU PUKE A LITTLE IN YOUR MOUTH!

“I’m afraid I have some bad news... your baby has ten fingers and ten toes.”

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BREAKING NEWS: SOLAR SYSTEM FIRES PLUTO

−A. Hugi

And then Benny woke up in a tub full of ice... and his nuggets were MISSING!

P. Robalino

In the most surprising action taken by the Planets for a Progressive Image Commission since its infamously brief and misguided appointment of Earth as the Center of the Universe, the Commission has voted unanimously to revoke Pluto’s status as a member of Universe Quadrant 712, commonly referred to as the Solar System. While rumors have been swirling for light-years that a big decision was about to be made, most thought that this morning’s announcement would merely be a response to the Asteroid Union’s recent campaign to end “sizeist prejudice in the Solar System.” “It’s nothing but blatant discrimination,” commented one spokesperson for the union disappointedly. “It’s not like we never make an impact.” Jupiter made it clear that he had no interest in addressing the union’s complaints, telling the press after the announcement was made that “We had our eyes on bigger bodies.” “Well, bigger, but not that much bigger,” he added with a smirk when the ex-planet was within earshot. The Commission’s statement declared that Pluto’s contract with the Solar System would be immediately terminated but, if he wished, he was welcome to join the Union of Comets and Meteoric Bodies, a group in which he might feel “more at home.” Pluto issued a brief statement as he left the Commission’s headquarters in the early hours of the morning, sporting sunglasses and a five o’clock shadow but still unable to avoid the horde of paparazzi swarming the area. “I am absolutely certain that the Commission will regret this decision and soon be begging me to return as a member of the System,” Pluto warned. “Not large enough to be a planet, my ass. Everyone knows I was kicked out because Jupiter is still bitter that I wouldn’t orbit with him light-years ago. As if he could compete with the Sun!” When questioned about the incident, however, Jupiter snapped that the allegations were “utterly false.” “It was the 80 millions, a lot of strange things were happening,” said the planet evasively. “But it’s all slander in my case. I extended Pluto no such invitation!” When asked whether he had any plans for the immediate future, Pluto’s eyes clouded over and rain began to fall, but he continued optimistically: “It will only be seven or eight light-years before I’m close enough to Quadrant 711 to join them. They’ve already approached me with quite an incentives package. It is hard to turn down two new

moons and the addition of oxygen into my atmosphere.” “Oxygen?” laughed Mars when questioned about losing Pluto to Quadrant 711. “The only thing they have in 711 is ethanol. Well, Pluto will be right at home there, won’t he? Smarmy little dipsot.” While the other planets declined to comment in Jupiter’s presence, a few members of the System revealed anonymously that Jupiter and Mars had allied to force Pluto’s removal, threatening to start their own Quadrant outside the Solar System if the planet remained a member. The loss of both Jupiter and Mars from 712 would severely weaken the Solar System’s clout in the Intergalactic Senate and dangerously alter the gravitational balance of the system itself. “We had no choice,” another member confided, “I mean, Mars and the Sun hang out in the same circles, and with Pluto so distant and inaccessible, it was bound to happen eventually.”

INTERVIEW ESSENTIALS:

A GUIDE TO PREPARING FOR YOUR INTERVIEW

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to prepare for a job interview. For example, what if you’re interviewing for a job as a zookeeper? Do you wear a suit? That doesn’t seem very zoological. But then you try to get creative, and you end up getting strangled by the python you decided to wear as a necktie, which also swallowed the zoo manager’s pet chinchilla, Winky, whole. Luckily, this guide can give you a helping hand! Here’s how you should prepare if you’re interviewing for a job as a…

CATHOLIC PRIEST Wear your best vestments and bring a Bible, preferably with a creased spine to prove how often you read it. Also, make sure you bring a bag of candy…for the interviewer. And a children’s Highlights magazine…also for the interviewer.

SESAME STREET MONSTER Don’t come down with laryngitis, because your voice needs to be as cute as possible to land this job! Also, it’s good to have big, innocent eyes and colorful fur. And being DTF with the interviewer can’t hurt.

COMIC-CON SUPERVISOR Bring a Princess Leia cardboard cut-out (the Jabba’s dancer one) and wear your Star Trek officer’s badge proudly on your chest. You should also be as comfortable in your Spiderman suit as you are with your virginity, because your V-card is your ticket in.

PANAMA You should wear a Panama hat and take swarms of malaria-ridden mosquitos to the interview with you. Be sure to mention your previous ties with both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. Also, you’ll probably need to have a man, a plan, and a canal.

SENATOR A business suit is important, but more important is your undeserved sense of contribution to the betterment of society, along with your wheelbarrows full of cash given to you by your well-connected parents. You also need hookers for pushing around the wheelbarrows and enabling you to cheat on your wife.

Written by Staff Illustrated by L. Sedlacek

Creative Ways to Fire People

Through interpretive dance Out of a cannoN

With a surprise party

Using an origami fortune

Via man-eating tiger Written by Staff Illustrated by D. Yu

by defenestration

By J. Newsham

Ten Steps for PowerPoint™ Success! 1. Throw in as many colors and fonts as possible. Your BULLET points WILL be

THAT much more Exciting.

2. Use business keywords.

A few we here at Ten Steps™ like to use: “Cooperation,” “Synergy,” “Specialized Separation Chambers,” “Unbatrachomyomachy,” “Value-added Revenue Opportunity,” “Leading-Edge Multi-Dimensional Infrastructure,” “Proactive Liquidation of Indigents.” Feel free to get creative!

3. If there is a button for it, you want to use it at least once.

There’s a reason they put those features in, my friend: they just knew that one fateful day you’d need to impress your fellow workers with your feature-using abilities. Why have a boring and cliche slide with a bar chart when you could have a fresh and hip slide with a bar chart…and cow noises?

4. Charts and lists are your friends!

Even if they say nothing, they always look downright professional. Especially if they have pretty colors. And are in the shape of a tasty pie.

5. Use super big words!

Your coadjutors won’t be able to fathom with what fisticuffs you have lambasted them!

6. Transitions are a must.

How else will everyone know when to clap?

7. Use built in PowerPoint™ styles, especially the really eye-catching ones.

Favorites:  The season-themed ones. Especially Spring – you can just feel the butterflies on it lifting office morale as you speak.  The Rorschach-esque blobs. It’ll keep your office in constant attention trying to figure out whether that mysterious splotch over the net revenue is a future portent of new squishy desk chairs or painful mass layoffs.  And nothing puts a smile on the boss’s face like using one of the kitten-themed layouts from the internet. Teh catz r in ur officez, makin’ ur boss happeh…

8. A diversity of typefaces is fun!

Try using: Small caps, bold, ALL CAPS, italics, underlining, bold italics, slashthroughs, shadowing, BOLD CAPS ITALICS, bold slash hrough superscript underlining, tOGGLE cASE.

Figure 1: PowerPoint™ created using our patented ten-step system. Results not typical.

9. Make sure to use every orientation possible (right to left, left to right, sideways, stacked, diagonal, follow path, warped, upside down, backwards, mirrored, trapezoidal). Your coworkers will feel an undeniable need to stop and appreciate how amazingly clever you are when “You’re all being downsized!” slopes diagonally downward.

10. Two words: Comic Sans. Need we say more?

You too could have PowerPoint™ slideshows as professional-looking as this! Written and illustrated by S. shea

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Staff

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TRANSCRIPT FROM CUSTOMER SERVICE LINE AT VIBRATIONS IN BODY INC. February 23, 2011, 1:49am. V IN B CUSTOMER SERVICE: Vibrations in Body, how may I help you tonight? CUSTOMER: Uh. Yeah, I bought your product, the Spiker, and well, it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable. V IN B: The Spiker is one of our most complex products, made for the most experienced vibrator users. Have you read the manual that came with your product? CUSTOMER: No, I bought this used. V IN B: Where are you experiencing your discomfort? CUSTOMER: My penis. V IN B: *Sigh* Sir, the Spiker is for female use only. It is not intended for use by men. CUSTOMER: My wife told me I could learn from the Spiker because it performed better than I did. How can I use it without its being painful? V IN B: Sir, I’m not sure that’s going to be possible. CUSTOMER: C’mon, how would you use it? V IN B: What have you, um, been doing with it that has caused you discomfort? CUSTOMER: After dipping it in a bowl of ethanol to sterilize it, I inserted it into my rectum while it was wet to lubricate it−I learned that from Boy Scouts−but it won’t vibrate! I think it may have short circuited. V IN B: Yes, that would short circuit the Spiker. I would suggest you seek medical help immediately. That still doesn’t explain why your groin hurts, though. CUSTOMER: I tried to jam it through the front like my wife does. V IN B CUSTOMER SERVICE: Good god, what are you doing on the phone with me?! Call 9-1-1, you fool! [Customer Service has disconnected at 2:03am. Thank you for interest in Vibrations in Body.] −T. Pang

ROUST, FOR I PREFER THE QUEEN IN HER POUND! Shall I compare thee to a British Pound? Thou hast less worth and beauty than the quid. In mind and purse the sounds of change abound To drown your speech and drivel to forbid. For at your table gossip flows like wine, And I would rather hang myself than hear The prattle that you issue while we dine. Oh, bring the check that she may disappear! —But soft, my queen, I pray that you will stay To lay amidst my bank notes and be spent; And in the night please come in my cache; The morning light shall prove that I’m a gent. Tender, I love and stroke your blissful skin; No matter if a spending spree is sin! −M. Dernbach

S. and V. Naratil

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LETTER OF APOLOGY Dear Ms. McGillicudy’s Third Grade Class, As CEO of Halmark Cards, Inc., I wish to thank you for your recent field trip to our Wilmington, NE branch factory. It’s always a treat here at Halmark to see new faces, and it was a pleasure to show you all the work—plus that extra dash of magic—that we put into every single one of our cards. Unfortunately, I understand that your visit went less smoothly than you had hoped. Please accept my sincerest apologies, and allow me to explain any misunderstandings or errors on our part. First, the smell. I’m told that as you arrived at Halmark Branch #3447C, several students complained of a medium-to-potent odor. Some described it as “chemicaly” or “painful.” Let me explain. Unfortunately, your visit fell on the first of the month, which is the day we unpack our new ink shipments. The smell can be unpleasant, but it’s all part of how we keep adding a little dose of special to ordinary people’s days all over the world. Regarding the student who ingested a non-lethal amount of ink, rest assured that any “Get Well Soon” cards purchased by her immediate family will be free of charge. I have also heard that your tour was interrupted by one Larry Fullerton, an elderly employee whose sub-par hygiene and liberal use of sexual innuendo created an unwelcoming atmosphere for the third-graders. Let me explain about Larry. Larry has been with us at Halmark since nearly the beginning—before me, even. He’s done some great things over the years. Remember the blackand-white photo card with the two kids holding hands? And inside it says “Let’s stick together”? That was all Larry. But he belongs to a different era, and there are bound to be miscommunications with him. Any comments he made about your “gams,” Ms. McGillicudy, should be taken strictly as a compliment, as I’m sure they were intended. As for his exchange with wheelchair-bound student Patrick O’Brien, we at Halmark are confident that the term “McCripple” was meant to be endearing, and that in fact many of Mr. Fullerton’s close friends are handicapable and/or Irish. Finally, I understand that our paper processing facility was discovered by eight-year-old Emily Stevens on her

way to the bathroom. I’m sorry for that; really, I am. But let me explain. We here at Halmark pride ourselves on giving the customer the best possible product at the most affordable price. We don’t just sell cards here—we sell moments. Precious little moments that make up a lifetime. Which is why we don’t buy our paper from a middleman; we make it ourselves. And we use a thicker, more durable, and more affordable pulp than any of our competitors, which means that everyone gets to have their own precious little moments at a reasonable price. I’m just sorry that baby seals were Emily’s favorite animal. Thank you again for visiting our Halmark family. We hope you enjoyed your stay, and that the next time someone you know has a birthday, a graduation, or—as of last month—a bat mitzvah, you’ll come visit one of our friendly, convenient locations to pick up your very own precious moment. Sincerely, Timothy H. Zucker, CEO, Halmark Cards, Inc. −R. Clegg

CRAP TO KEEP THE HIGH SCHOOL INTERN BUSY Copy by hand all electronic correspondence for physical record book Mail invites to company Christmas party Create electronic records from physical record book Mail invites to company Fourth of July barbecue Clean office keyboards with tweezers Mail invites for Aaron’s bar mitzvah Count paper clips for office inventory Translate fax machine manual from Swedish Recount paper clips for office inventory Account for missing (or acquired) paper clips for office inventory Keep college intern busy −M. Taylor

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FROM THE DESK OF J. ARNOLD TWERKLETON, JR. Monday, September 8th, 10:32 AM - Tall stack of paper on desk this morning. Do not know what to do with it, but have decided tossing would be wasteful. Will have Stacy cancel calls to focus on stack of paper. 11:14 AM - Brilliant idea for mysterious stack of paper! Will make paper Starfleet. Have sent Stacy for scissors & gluesticks. Googling instructions now. 1:23 PM - SO productive this morning! Paper Starfleet great success. Got many stares hanging it in the lobby, everyone obviously v. impressed. Hugh asked me if I read “the memos from this weekend.” V. confusing. Told Hugh I had not. He seemed upset. Showed him new Starfleet to cheer him up, but he only clenched his fists & turned red. Why is he so angry? Maybe he is jealous? 2:33 PM - Hugh brought more paper. Told me not to make paper airplanes this time. V. silly! Starfleet is spaceships, not airplanes! Told him so, he turned red again. Told me to “read the goddamn memos.” Hugh is not very nice. Have given “memos” to Stacy. Going home. V. tired after such a productive day! Tuesday, September 9th, 11:47 AM - V. long meeting this morning! Hugh talked for an hour. Boring as usual. Decided to draw diff. faces for each pie chart in booklet. V. difficult with so many pie charts, but I was good. After happy & sad faces, drew fear, surprise, silly, sleepy, & angry (like Hugh! Ha ha). Stuck after angry. Then filled in letter bubbles. Did TWO pages of bubble filling! V. proud. 3:11 PM - V. good day today, despite Hugh fussing about “client drop-off ” & “fiscal irresponsibility.” Drew his portrait after lunch. V. lifelike. Gave him horns & put picture on dartboard (tee hee). Played darts with Stacy after. V. fun! Wednesday, September 10th, 12:23 PM - Strange people in office this morning. Stacy said they were here “about the merger.” They asked about “our progress this quarter.” Told them I hadn’t seen any spare change. Showed them Starfleet. Several gaped in awe. Invited new friends into office to play darts with Hugh’s picture. They did not seem to enjoy the game. Maybe they are shy? About to have lunch with new people & Hugh. 2:11 PM - Saved lunch from Hugh’s boringness today. When he went to bathroom, put pepper in his coffee. Also showed new people walrus impression

with baby carrots. Have clearly awed them with talent & creativity. Am told that I will be “hearing from the Board soon.” V. excited. Maybe they will fire Hugh? REMINDER: Draw thank-you picture for Board on MS Paint tomorrow morning! 3:12 PM - Stacy says board calling in 15 minutes! V. flattered by attention, but told Stacy to postpone call. Must be home to watch Wheel of Fortune. Stacy seemed unhappy. Showed her walrus impression. Did not help. Will think of picture ideas for Board tonight. Maybe funny picture of Hugh? Ick! Hate to take work home, but must be done. V. responsible of me! −M. Taylor

MEMO REGARDING THE IMPORTANCE OF MEMOS Hello, employees. The following memo concerns the various memos that have recently been ignored and/or disposed of around the office. Memos are used to sustain communication between executives and the rest of the company; this business would crumble without them. Memos are the lifeblood of our company. But some of you would like to ball up our blood and toss it into the nearest trashcan at first glance. Would you like that to be done to you? Fortunately, it’s not physically possible because human blood is liquid and cannot be “balled” in any sense. Ignoring memos harms the entire company. For example, the memo discussing office supply theft. Or just last week, it was by memo that we warned everyone of the dangers of the Mandrillus sphinx (otherwise known as the common mandrill, a baboon-like primate). Just as we noticed that staplers and pens were disappearing from the office, so too did we anticipate employees’ vulnerability to the powerful jaws and aggressive courtship rituals of the average male mandrill. We know that many of you had your hearts set on bringing mandrills into the office, but ultimately it would only contribute to the growing fecesthrowing crisis our company currently faces. In order to insure your compliance in memo-reading, it is now required that all memos be kept in a visible location on each worker’s desk, at all times. Also, employees who waste excessive time reading memos will be disciplined. Thank you for your cooperation. −D. Fraser

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HIGH PROFILE ANTI-TRUST SUIT THREATENS TO SEPARATE BOARDWALK, PARK PLACE Dear guy at the party I went to on Saturday, When you told me you were “in Parliament”, did you mean the funk group or the British legislative body? I just assumed you meant the band but I’m beginning to wonder. For starters, you’re white and Scottish. Also, you couldn’t dance at all and, when they put on a Parliament song, you didn’t seem to know the words. Now that I think about it, most bands probably don’t go around with armed MI-5 agents. That said, I would still like tickets to next week’s show in Boston if you could arrange that. −Jamie Peters, CC ‘12

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Demetri Martin

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