THE YALEVol. 151, No. 1 Sept. 3, 2022 RECORD
TheThanks,cool.Masses
“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or “The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join chair@yalerecord.comus.
AFTER PRETTY REGULAR DAY
Dear Instagram, Stop showing me videos of raccoons standing up. I don’t care. Not that
Dear George Lucas, Last week I found a Yoda rummaging in my trash can. I caught it humanely (plastic wrap on a laundry basket) but I don’t know how to dispose of it. Ideas?
While we appreciate your feedback, this is a user problem rather than an interface issue. Stop watching the videos. You mold your algorithm.Sincerely,Instagram
“I’M JUST HERE FOR YOUR SON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY, I CAN’T ‘KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER’S LOINS FERTILE AND YOUR CROP BOUNTIFUL,’” SAYS FUCKING FAILURE OF A MAGICIAN
THE POWER OF FILM: I WATCHED TOP GUN AND NOW I BELIEVE IN WAR Dear “The Masses,”
OVER 160,000 DEAD WORLDWIDE
Dear Mitch, If you feed it raw poultry for a week or so it should expire naturally. Always nice to hear from a fan. To infinity… and beyond! Best, George Lucas GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS REVERSES COURSE, SIGNS “JUST SAY GAY” BILL BECAUSE HE CAN’T PRONOUNCE THE WORD “HOMOSEXUAL”
“I’M NOT SUPERSTITIOUS, BUT I RUBBED THE FOOT OF THE NATHAN HALE STATUE, AND NOW I’M AT YALE. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING,” SAYS LORI LOUGHLIN’S DAUGHTER
Thanks,Mitch
The Yale RecoRd2 YALE RECORD First-Year Issue Sept. 3, 2022 282624222016141211861 | Mailbags andSnews | The First-Year Editorial | Shorts | Feature Nyet! I Am Not Imposter | Shorts | SpreadRecord Remembers | Shorts | Spread Blue Book | Feature Most YaleResponsesCommontotheApplication | Shorts | Quiz Corner Which Major Is Right for You? • How Will Your First-Year Friend Group Fall Apart? • ProgramPre-OrientationWhichAreYou? | Advice Ask Old Owl LOW HANGING FRUIT: I’M WORRIED MY APPLE TREE MIGHT DIE BECAUSE IT’S REALLY SAGGY Dear ThanksInstagram,forhaving our backs on that one. Those idiots are starting to catch on. Now remember what we agreedjust do your little coding mumbojumbo, keep our cute little mugs on the explore page, and we keep the incident between us. Capisce? Wouldn’t want Daddy Zuckerberg knowing you were had by some rodents.Apleasure as Raccoonsalways, GENDER EQUALITY FTW: WWIII DRAFT 77 PERCENT WOMEN Dear ThankmeThoseItrailinWhen@god_for_real,Ifeltmostalone—abandonedthedarkofnight—Ionlysawoneoffootstepsbehindme.Nowthatbelieve,Iknowyouwerewithme.wereyourfootsteps;youcarriedwhenIcouldn’twalkanymore.you.Blessings,@believer900
AN EYE FOR AN EYE: GUY WHO ONCE CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE DINING HALL WAS JUST BRUTALLY MURDERED
THIS JUST IN: LOOKING LIKE A MILLION BUCKS IS NOT THAT USEFUL AFTER ADJUSTING FOR INFLATION Dear Natasha, As I’ve repeatedly explained, I’m just the treasurer of the Yale Daily News. I can’t stop inflation.Please do not contact me again,James
SUITE C43B IS FULL OF SEXY, SEXY MEN WHO ARE HAVING A LOT OF SEXY TIMES. THEY WILL ALL BE IN THEIR SUITE DURING SEXY O’CLOCK, 7-10AM, ON SEXY TUESDAY WITH TONS AND TONS OF SEXY, SEXY, CANDY-FLAVORED CONDOMS. COME ON BY! Dear Mr. Treasurer, Inflation is getting out of hand. Please make it stop. Concerned,Natasha
Dear @believer900, Yeah, sure, yeah they were mine. Send a pic of your feet so I can be sure.@god_for_real YDN BREAKING NEWS: DAVENPORT
NatashaAngrily, GUY ADMITTING MISTAKE MUST JUST BE MISTER FUCKING WELLADJUSTED
Obituary Correction
Dear Mr. Treasurer, I know exactly who you are and what you do. Drop the façade and raise interest rates.
Dear Natasha, So you found me. But who would ever believe you? Gas prices will stay exactly where they are until my investments in Russian oil can pay off the mortgage for me and Suzanne. Shut your mouth or I’ll shut it for you.Keep your head on a swivel, the Treasurer
Dear Dealer, My friend told me you have ecstasy. Can I cop? What are your prices? Signed, Hopeful Customer
NOT-SO-ORGANIZED CRIME? THIS MAFIOSO CAN’T FIND HIS KEYS FOR SALE: A transparent box, the approximate size mimeglobally-renownedofCharlesToussaint.
The 2022 Editorial Board would like to apologize for an obituary which appeared in last year’s “The French Revolution: Friends We Made Along The Way Issue,” where we reported that beloved mime Charles Toussaint had passed on. Toussaint did not die; he was simply trapped in an invisible box and standing very still.
—G. Ellis
“I’M HIGH ON LIFE,” SAYS PERSON WHO CONFUSED LIFE WITH BATH SALTS Dear Hopeful Customer, Ecstasy? You must be confused. I told your friend that I have eggs to see. Ever since Jilly Bean got to laying age, I’ve been showing these jewels off left and right. Take a look if you’d like. I won’t even charge you. These little guys have shown me fulfillment that synthetic drugs never could. Crack ‘em, swirl ‘em around, see how the yolk changes shape but stays fully separate from the whites. Isn’t that just fantastic? EggSigned,Man
The FirsT-Year issue 3 “MONA LISA” MASTERPIECE STOLEN FROM LOUVRE, REPLACED WITH SMALL, OLD-LOOKING PORTRAIT
Dear Astronaut Al, You fool! We don’t care about “hypergravity” or whatever you call it. We needed you to prepare for an attack by the G-Force: a ruthless, highlytrained group of guinea pig mercenaries enlisted by a hostile state to sabotage this expedition. Without the necessary martial arts training, you don’t stand a chance against Darwin, Blaster, and Juarez. The mission’s off. Thanks for nothing, Launch Services
The FirsT-Year issue 5 Dear Astronaut Al, We are almost ready for your departure tomorrow; we just need to confirm some final details about the readiness steps you have taken. Have you completed all the required training modules? Have you adjusted your diet and incorporated the necessary vitamin supplements? Have you prepared yourself to handle the G-Force you will encounter during launch?Sincerely,
NASA’s Launch Services Program \ BEAR MARKET? INFLATION? I JUST WANT TO EAT THIS CANNOLI
Dear Launch Services, Am I ready? I’ve been getting ready to go to space since I was five years old! I have taken every possible step to prepare myself for the expedition. I have finished the mandatory mechanics training twice, preemptively switched my diet to exclusively astronaut food, and spent upwards of 15 hours in the centrifuge to prepare my body for hypergravity. I’m over the moon! Get it? Cause I’m going to space!
Did You Know?
Another chAnce. PleAse, just let me bAck, DArlA. I PromIse I’ve chAngeD she meAnt nothIng to me! thIs Isn’t AnythIng At All lIke lAst tIme, I sweAr. WANTED
The first year actually happened a long time ago. Some people say it was over 2000 years ago, but we can’t be sure. —B. Hollander-Bodie
WITH THE RISE OF AMAZON’S HOME ASSISTANT, ALEXAS AROUND THE WORLD AVOID CONFUSION BY CHANGING THEIR NAME TO OK GOOGLE
Shooting for the Astronautstars,Al OK, I FINISHED MY CANNOLI. ALL MY MONEY IS GONE. I SPENT MY LIFE WORKING FOR THIS, AND NOW IT’S ALL GONE. I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD MORE CANNOLIS, LET ALONE TO EVER RETIRE. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
Hello! My name is Clio, and I’d like to welcome you to Yale. It’s a pleasure to meet you. If you are not a first-year, this is not for you, but you can stay if you want. Live out your nostalgic little fantasy; pretend that this was slipped under the door of your Old Campus suite and that your college years are not nearing an end, leaving you a purposeless lump in the body of an overgrown child. You can read this too, I won’t tell.Now back to you, the first-year. You are holding our magazine, staring down the beginning of your Yale career. For many of you, this year will contain a multitude of firsts: your first college party, your first A- that probably should have been a B+ but you still wish was an A, your first All Saints’ Day away from your mother. You will make countless new friends, forget their countless names, and master the art of never grabbing a meal. You will go to all four nights of your suitemate’s rock opera critiquing mid-century immigration policy and attend exactly one sporting event. You will wish you spent your one sports event on Harvard-Yale rather than the semifinals of intramural cornhole. It’s deceptively easy to make mistakes like that. But have no fear! I am here to offer you some advice. What qualifies me to give unsolicited advice, you ask? Experience. Age. An ongoing Instagram DM conversation with Neil deGrasse Tyson where he gave me the recipe for primordial soup. Clio, you might say, that’s all well and good, but how can you speak on what it’s like to be a firstyear? You’re old, you’re out of touch, and your first year at Yale got decapitated by the novel coronavirus pandemic. To that, I say: watch it, kid. You see that .5 after my year? You don’t? We cut half-years from The Record style guide? Well, no matter. I slip between years like smoke: impossible to catch, understand, or keep in a porous container. I repel from graduation like it’s a positively charged magnet, and I’m someone who really doesn’t like magnets. Every three semesters, I take time off and come back to pre-orientation talking about my life-changing gap year. I have worked on so many organic farms that I can speak fluent tomato, and I have hiked mountain ranges that eroded long before you were born. I canvassed for the Rutherford B. Hayes campaign and did an unpaid poultice-grinding internship for an apothecary during
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Online Managing Editor
Special thanks to: the Class of 2026, who inspired the future Class of 2027 by demonstrating that Yale will let in just about anyone these days.
• Subscriptions: $50/year the Revolutionary War. I have been at this school for longer than you can fathom: lived countless lives, shed my skin and re-emerged from the basement tunnels fresh-faced and asking for directions. They have put me in every residential college (except for Ezra Stiles because I was involved with an incident during its construction and received a permanent ban). I have worn 100 different faces and painted 11 at my cousin’s birthday party last summer. Emmitt may have needed to go to the emergency room after I used lead paint for the picture of Spiderman on his left cheek, but I have grappled with my actions and moved forward; I hope that you can, too.
’25 Art Director
Joel Banks ’25 Ari Berke ’25 Lillian Broeksmit ’25 Evan Calderon ’25 Madelyn Dawson ’25 Jackson Downey ’25 Mari Elliott ’25 Odessa Goldberg ’25 Evan Gorelick ’25 Audrey Hempel ’25 Rena Howard ’25 Ishikaa Kothari ’25 Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25 Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25 Maya Melnik ’25 Tyler Norsworthy ’25 Megan Sadler ’25 Tyler Schroeder ’25 Cormac Thorpe ’25 Emmitt Thulin ’25 Joe Gustaferro ’24 Old Owl Joe Wickline ’23 Old Owl Joanna Wypasek ’24 Old Owl Ayla Jeddy ’23 Old Owl Maya Sanghvi ’23 Old Owl Avery Brown ’23 Old Owl Diana Kulmizev ’23 Old Owl Avery Mitchell ’23 Old Owl Raja Moreno ’24 Old Owl Bea Portela ’24 Old Owl Ellen Qian ’23 Old Owl Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl Rosa Chang ’23 Old Owl Luna Garcia ’23 Old Owl Alex Taranto ’23 Old Owl Jonas Kilga ’23 Old Owl Alexia Buchholz ’23 Social Media Manager Emma Madsen ’25 Webmaster Josephine Stark ’25 Staff Director Natasha Weiss ’25 Business Manager Jacob Eldred ’24 Merchant Will Cramer ’22 Old Owl
—C. Rose Editor in Chief All contents copyright 2022 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CL, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520
Front Cover: Alice Mao ’24 (@alicemaoart), who didn’t see her shadow and decided she could do another First-Year cover.
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’25 Design Editor Grace Ellis ’25
Back Cover: Lizzie Conklin ’25, who nobly turned down hush money from the squirrel mafia after her unfavorable portrayal of their underground fight ring. on your household unless you print his name in every Record issue for the following year. Yale is a fickle mistress. No matter how long you stay, you can never find all the skeletons in her closet. Legend tells of ghosts, secret societies, super-secret societies, and quantitative reasoning requirements. Supposedly there’s even an ice skating rink, but I’m not convinced. Dozens of noble explorers have lost their lives or minds in search of the doggy gym where Handsome Dan works out to keep his haunches so toned. But I grow too old for the chase: this is my final year. I am tired of hunting my white whale, Ezra Stiles, and my other white whale, The Whale. There is nothing left for me on this campus. I tried to take “Readings in English Poetry III,” but they told me it didn’t exist. You, young one, you have the potential to do that which I never could. You might take “Psych and the Good Life.” You might go on a romantic date at the PEZ Visitor Center in the nearby town of Orange. You might resist spending your roommate’s 50-state quarter collection on a bobblehead of Jon Bon Jovi. Hell, you might even set foot in Ezra Stiles.
Number 2: Be warned, research grants can never be awarded to students named Daniel. The university’s unofficial stance is alleged to be, “We’ve done enough for them already.” If you are a Daniel, it is best to apply for funding under a more respectable pseudonym like, “Brett” or “Biggie D. Whizhammer.” Number 3: Tempting though it may be, don’t venture to the ruins of Gungywamp, “The American Stonehenge,” in Groton, Connecticut in search of a restorative nature hike. You will find nothing but disappointment and a curmudgeonly monk named Bartlemebus who will call down a pox Staff: Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24 Jacob Mansfield ’25 Andrew Cramer ’25 Tara Bhat ’25 Dom Alberts ’25 Lizzie Conklin Emily Cai Design Larry Dunn ’25 Design Edward Bohannon ’25 Supplementals Adriana Golden ’24 Chair Clio Rose ’23 Editor in Chief Sam Leone ’23 Online Editor in Chief Arnav Tawakley ‘24 Publisher Raffael Davila ’23 Leo Egger ’23 Jacob Kaufman-Shalett ’23 Lucy Santiago ’23 Claire Sattler ’23 Evan Cheng ’24 Lily Dorstewitz ’24 Finn Gibson ’24 Malia Kuo ’24 Alice Mao ’24 Simi Olurin ’24
Contributors: Manav Singh ’25, Cate Roser ’25, Breanna Nguyen ’25, Ellie Atlee ’25
First-year, friend, Biggie D. Whizhammer, take your time and do this year right. Put everything you’ve got into it and leave nothing behind. Make friends, make enemies, make logical leaps in section that leave your classmates confused and a little annoyed.
Editor
The FirsT-Year issue 7
Editor
Cherish Arbor Day. Take class notes exclusively on Post-its. Connect with anyone with the last name “Smucker” on LinkedIn just in case they’re the long-lost heir to the Smucker’s jelly fortune. Come to the meeting of The Yale Record this Monday at 9 PM in LC 317. Try to have a year you won’t regret. But if you mess up—like skipping this meeting, or assuming that there’s no practical difference between regular and non-toxic paint—you can always take a gap year and try again next time.
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Managing Editor Sophie Spaner ‘25 Copy Editor Adam Burch ’25 Copy Editor
I was on this campus back when butteries only served gruel and during that time in 2007 when Yale Hospitality ordered 6 metric tons of reindeer meat and made exclusively Finnish food for a full semester. I have taken ENGL 125: Readings in English Poetry I and ENGL 126: Readings in English Poetry II. I contain multitudes.All that to say: I think I am qualified to give you some tips and tricks I’ve picked up along the way. Number 1: Make good use of your free time. Yale is full of high achievers, so you should read every book by junior year if you can. If you’re more STEM-minded, you could instead add all the numbers to find the biggest one ever.
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The tasks for this place have been like a full-time job. I clean, cook, and occasionally they even let me lead our drinking chants. But it’s not all just chores.
BONDING WITH MY FIRST-YEAR SUITE
This frat is fucking awesome. Ever since I came to Yale, I wanted to join a frat so bad. To hang out with Yale’s coolest kids, to do hazing tasks, and most importantly, to be called a “brother.” All the main frats had some serious prob lems, though. Leo had too many smokers, which didn’t vibe with my mad asthma, and Edon let in girls, which didn’t vibe with my mad cooties allergy. And the others were all too competitive and shallow. It’s like none of them really had the spirit of brotherhood that I was looking for, you know?
Fuck two truths and a lie, my suite bonds over the Melissa & Doug Classic Bead Maze®. Sean is from Nantucket and he pushes ‘em down the yellow wire. Aaron is from Austin and he pushes ‘em down the blue wire. That leaves one path– and you’re damn straight, I push those beads down the red wire.
I JOINED FOR THE BROTHERHOOD
—J. Mansfield
I almost decided not to rush at all, but one day, I discov ered this place on Hillhouse, totally hidden in plain sight. When you walk inside, you can immediately tell how much the brothers care. The house is huge and squeaky clean. The stained glass windows also just screamed “rich alumni.”
Some DS professor once asked Sean and me to reflect on how The Iliad informs the “cultural hegemony” of antiquity. He reminded us, “Homer inspires curious minds of the next generation to probe deeper than ever before.” I considered this for a moment, and then responded, “Curious minds love playing with three-dimensional bead toys.” Sean told him that child development experts around the world recognize the value of hands-on, imaginative play. Sean and I aren’t in DS anymore. For us, the maze isn’t a game. It’s a way of life. Sean and I do our best, but Aaron’s a bit smarter than us; he pushes all his beads in the same direction. Sometimes Sean and I push two beads together instead and they don’t go anywhere. Aaron says that’s not how the bead maze is supposed to work. I tell Aaron to go fuck himself–I’m at a liberal arts institution, and I’ll do as I Aaronplease.got mad at me yesterday for leaving my clothes on the floor. He ripped his wire out of the wood and told me he wanted a new suitemate and would be playing with the Tiny First Bead Maze Roller Coaster Wooden Educational Circle Toy for Toddlers® instead. I told him the beads falling off his wire were an implied metaphor for his balls dropping late. Aaron isn’t in our suite anymore. Before we left DS, Sean and I started reading the Bible. We left with two conclusions. Satan gave us weed, hoes, and the word “hegemony”. God made Melissa & Doug in his image, and they made the bead maze.
The amount of frat spirit these dudes had was also immedi ately clear. They were all wearing these robe uniforms that looked dope as shit, and necklaces with a little “t” on them. I walked right up to one of them and just said, “I want to be a brother here.” That’s when my initiation began.
You’ve never broken a bone! Of course, there was that time your dirt bike skidded off that gnarly trail in SoCal and your foot got stuck in the pedal and it peeled off almost all the skin in between your ankle and your pinky toe. That was more of a topical issue though. You can show them the scar if they want to see it. You had a lot of sex in high school. You spent your gap year studying organic farming on a vineyard in Italy! You didn’t realize just how much being abroad could change your life. It really widened your perspective, and you just learned so much about the language, the culture, and, honestly, yourself. It’s just such a different lifestyle, man. Being back in Stati Uniti is a little weird! Your parents are divorced.
You’ve seen every Harry Potter movie nine times! Show them the scar on your foot. When praying mantises mate, the female may bite off the male’s head, instantly ending his life in an erotic cannibalistic ritual. You’re a huge Frank Ocean fan.
Thanks to a generous donation by Stephen Schwarzman, the Beinecke Library is finally able to afford normal walls.
—B. Hollander-Bodie BEST WAYS TO AVOID SAYING YOU GO TO YALE
Trumbull College Class of 2026!
My college is home to both America’s oldest and second-oldest college dailies. I support the Hartford Whalers, because of their proximity to where I go to school.
—C. Thorpe
Your standardized test scores: #1570 in the eyes of the SAT, #1 on the Harvard waitlist, #4 in your parents’ hearts.
You’ve never met a Jew before.
WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS
10 ACTUALLY FUN FACTS YOU CAN TELL DURING ICEBREAKERS
My favorite drink is a lavender oat milk latte at my local coffee shop, which I love to support.
The FirsT-Year issue 9 They made me shave my head in a funny ring shape, which is totally the classic frat experience, and we also some times get drunk on wine and confess all the sins we’ve done. The hardest thing is this challenge where we can’t have any sex. Talk about next-level hazing. And for some reason, they still have me doing so many tasks even though I became a brother. Sure, it seems like all the brothers contribute a lot, but we should get to pawn off some of these tasks to the pledges, no? I guess maybe that’s just because we’re an old-fashioned frat, where brotherhood really means something. I keep trying to figure out who’s in charge so I can ask them my questions. Whose account is the hymns Spotify playlist on? Why do we have people put the money in the basket instead of just charging door fees? What’s been the deal with Brother Bartlemebus lately? And most importantly, who even is the frat president? The older brothers just alternate be tween telling me that “Jesus” or “God” is the boss depending on how I phrase the question. Apparently, both of them are really difficult to get ahold of, so fuck me either way I guess. But for real? I love these guys. We may not be as flashy and popular as Sig Nu, but we actually know the true fucking meaning of brotherhood. And there’s no one who turns up on Sunday quite like us.
I attend a research university in the New York City exurban city limits vicinity. Did you know? I am better than you.
I go to y*le. I’m in school at an institution with lots of resources for research. My university employs more people than any other university in New Haven. There’s great pizza in the town in which I take classes. My college is part of a consortium with 13 other colleges, and all of our academics are integrated. Small cities and large cities are nice, but I prefer midsized ones. Especially those with lots of diversity, just like America. I go to a school that looks a lot like Hogwarts because they modeled it after some school in the UK. It also has houses like Hogwarts that you’re sorted into, each acting as a microcosm of the larger community.
—J. Stark
Bulldog Bed — Much like the Greeks rode the Trojan Horse into enemy territory, you must ride your Bulldog Bed all the way to the edge of your roommate’s Twin XL. If you’re assigned to one of the three doubles that can actually accommodate a Bulldog Bed, steal mattresses from your other suitemates’ rooms and sew them onto your own until you’re bumper to bumper with your roomie. Once the mattresses are touching, you can roll right on over and try being the big spoon. From there, you can slowly guide them into the corner during the night,
Students rally to support the unveiling of Peter Salovey’s artistic response to critiques on Yale-New Haven relations.
The Yale RecoRd10 minimizing the total area they take up and keeping you warm through the harsh New Haven winter.
Take up DJing — Skip the mini-fridge and instead invest in some sick turntables. These bad boys only require five outlets, which is actually super reasonable when you think about it. Hopefully, your natural talent for mixing dope beats will intimidate your roommate, but if not, your 6 AM rehearsals should do the trick. One way or another, your roommate will take their natural place on the couch, leaving you with all the space in the world to turn that house music into home music.
When your roommate starts to suspect that you don’t actually need the room after hearing you answer questions in the CCE workshop, don’t panic! Double down and pile as many clothes as you can on your doorknob, barricading yourself in and saving on closet space all at once.
WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS
So, you just got your rooming assignment and found out you’re paying $80,000 for half a bunk bed. No worries! Whether you’re an only child or your parents never taught you to share, there are tons of ways to establish your dominance and turn that shoebox into a luxurious dingle. Bed lofting — Every year on move-in day, new Yalies loft their beds to the heavens to create more activity space, and every year one week after move-in day, they de-loft their beds after not being able to climb down hungover. This year, work smarter, not harder; instead of lofting your own bed, loft your roommate’s. Night by night, notch by notch, slowly raise your new built-in best friend until they get stuck up there or are absorbed into the suite above.
Preemptive Strike — The resourceful Yalie knows that summers aren’t about rest or enjoyment, they’re about getting ahead. Think about how to maximize your chance of getting a roommate you can easily edge out when filling out the housing form. Historically successful forms have listed hobbies such as “horseback riding,” “sailing,” or simply “New York.”
Become a carillonneur — There are many powerful organizations at Yale, all of which serve their own unique purpose. You can join MUNTY if you want to be a trophy spouse, lightweight crew if you want to be a Republican Senator, or the Guild of Carillonneurs if you want to be the arbiter of auditory peace. Your roommate will wake up to The Bells, they will go to sleep to The Bells, and they will start hooking up with someone up in Murray to never again hear a fun-but-still-classic rendition of Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi” on The Bells.
The Handsome Dan™— Piss everywhere.
If all goes according to plan, you’ll never have to worry about kicking out your roommate, because they’ll have already paid for an off-campus apartment. And if everything doesn’t work according to plan, at least you know your roommate will be small enough to play lightweight sports and live in an urban setting, so they’ll be right at home when you loft their bed through the goddamn roof. —D. Alberts HOW TO CLAIM YOUR SPACE IN A DOUBLE
Socks The sock on the door is a tried and true method of reserving a little bit of “you time.” Although this move is usually reserved as a way to discreetly sexile your roommate, nobody will ever know what you’re doing in there, so even debate kids can use this trick.
Deployment: New Haven, CT, USA
— A. Golden KGB Intelligence Transcript Archive Agent: Dmitri Pyotriev, ID 25493817-11
Hometown: New York, NY [9 months/year]; Southampton, NY [3 months/year]
no, I am from boring American city New York, and I have nothing special to offer, unlike cool international student. I prefer dab pen over cigarette, and drink my vodka only when mix with Tropicana American orange juice from Florida, United States. I tell her I speak only English because I am average guy with no facility for language, and also no skills. She grab me by face, tell me she have imposter syndrome too, but that I am special and worthy to be Yalie. “No really, I do not belong here,” I say, but this she does not take seriously. She say, “me neither,” and kiss me in the mouth with tongue. SEPTEMBER 3, 2022. 5:37 PM MOSCOW STANDARD TIME. Today Comrade Park refer me to mandatory counseling session at strange interrogation chamber called YC3. Lady therapist say to me, “It is normal to feel this way. Imposter syndrome is abundantly common amongst first years. But hear me out, Trent: you are not an Myimposter.”brainbends.
Powerful mind game has gone on too long. Entire American institution try to reeducate me into forget my status as imposter spy. In all years of the Russian intelligence machine, we never have use this devastating counterintelligence tool: validation of personal worth. “Nyet!” I declare. I am sorry, Vladisev. I can no longer play part of Trent Maguire, American Saybrook man. “Nyet, I am imposter!”
AUGUST 30, 2022. 7:01 PM MOSCOW STANDARD TIME. Today, girl with small shirt approach me at Voad’s discotheque. She smile at me, then dance with buttocks against my front. She run finger down my arm and tell me I have sexy accent. Is she try to make love with me? Or is she onto my Isecret?tellher
“I am double legacy here. My papa––er, my dad and my dad father live in Saybrook and donate monies to make libraries.” She tell me I undersell my own talent. She tell me that I earn acceptance to Yale with my own merit and intelligence. She tell me that I am not imposter.
AUGUST 26, 2022. 05:26 PM MOSCOW STANDARD TIME. Agent Pyotriev reporting daily reconnaissance. Today, I successfully infiltrate “Saybrook College” (41.3101° N, 72.9296° W). My disguise appears to be work. Two students [American] pointed to my Rolling Loud sweatshirt and say that they too mourn Juice Wrld. Another give me chin nod and point to my Sperrys, indicating with finger to his own pair. Imposter status achieved.
Alias: Trent Maguire Age: 18 | Occupation: Student at Yale College [Graduation Year 2026]
“Ayy, I am Trent. I like to hang out at beach and at boats.” She encourage me to try out for sailing team. In honest, this sound like fun and invigorating activity -– but “Trent Maguire” have no remarkable skills. I cannot blow up my cover. “I cannot tell you name of my Major.” She assure me is normal to be undecided as a first year, and that no need to declare until sophomore age. But I will never declare and betray Vladisev –– I am excellent imposter.
Intelligence: Moderate | Skills: Nothing remarkable
AUGUST 29, 2022. 6:58 PM MOSCOW STANDARD TIME I answer questions of Comrade Park as I have practiced back in Moscow.
AUGUST 28, 2022. 7:14 PM MOSCOW STANDARD TIME. Today I meet “FroCo,” Isabella Park. She look Italian, but she say to me she KoreanAmerican [investigate further]. I ask her twice if she would give life for Republic of Korea or United States of America, but she deflect and say this question very inappropriate. She has much womanly curiosity. She interrogate me about my family, interests, extracurriculars, how I spend my time. She inquire many times about “intended major.” Do not worry, Lt. Major Vladisev –– I did not reveal your identity. But still concerning, yes? Is she onto my secret?
The data showed that if a legacy’s parent was getting some action at Yale, there is a 76% chance that the kid will turn out to be a pretty cool dude. If they were smoking some doobie too, that number rises to 89%.
It’s what we’ve always known deep down. To earn that leg up for your kiddos, you can’t just go to Yale. You’ve gotta be cool. We don’t want any regular legacies, just the crème de la crème.
Chris —J. Wickline
By A. Cramer
The Yale RecoRd12 MY ROOMMATES, MY ROOMMATES, NOT SUITEMATES, I MEAN ACTUAL ROOMMATE ROOMMATES, RANKED BY HOW LIKELY THEY ARE TO HAVE EATEN ALL THE GRUBS I KEEP IN A MINI FRIDGE UNDER MY BED FOR MY PET BEARDED DRAGON SCARBOROUGH WHO REALLY NEEDS THEM BECAUSE HE HAS A SCALE CONDITION AND THEY’RE SPECIALLYMEDICATED GRUBS, NOT THE KIND YOU CAN BUY FROM ANY BAIT AND TACKLE SHOP OR PET STORE OR WHAT HAVE YOU, WHICH COULD BE PART OF WHY MY ROOMMATE ATE THEM BECAUSE THIS MEDICATION ACTUALLY ACTS AS A MILD HALLUCINOGEN IN HUMANS, AKIN TO A SMALL DOSE OF MESCALINE, AND IT’S NOT FDA CONTROLLED OR ANYTHING BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT’S ONLY MADE FOR LIZARDS SO YOU CAN GET IT FROM ANY VET JUST BY SAYING “OOH UHHH OOOH MY LIZARD’S NECK FLAPS ARE LOOKING SORT OF PALE,” WHICH IS NOT WHAT I DID I DON’T DO THAT KIND OF THING MY LIZARD’S NECK FLAPS GENUINELY DO LOOK SORT OF PALE, THOUGH I GUESS MY ROOMMATES WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE WHOLE HALLUCI NOGENIC ANGLE BECAUSE I LABELED THE BOX “GOOD OL’ GRUBS,” WHICH OH SHIT MAYBE WHOEVER ATE THEM THOUGHT IT SAID “GRUB” LIKE FOOD NOT “GRUBS” LIKE LITTLE WORM GUYS BUT HONESTLY THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER ANYWAY AFTER OPENING IT AND SEEING ALL THE CREEPY CRAWLERS SO IT’S STILL A WEIRD MOVE NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU SLICE IT BUT I’M NOT ANGRY OR ANYTHING 1.
Legacy admissions can be pretty controversial. Once considered the best way to reinforce elitist power structures, nowadays the practice is still considered that, but, as a society, we don’t explicitly like elitism as much.
Allow me to begin with a simple observation: not all legacies are bad. Some of them are even pretty cool, like my friend Blair. But some, as you already know, are insuf ferable, like that girl Tiffany. So the real question is not whether legacy admissions are good or bad as a whole, but rather which legacies we should admit.
After a thorough study by my friend Tom (non-legacy) in S&DS 230, I am pleased to report that we can conclu sively determine which legacies we need at Yale.
But if you will hear me out, maybe we can settle this issue once and for all.
Consider some of the important benefits provided by legacies on campus. They give us all a little bit more of a superiority complex; after all, we got in on our own merit, unlike Jared. Their names are easy to remember, like “Ster ling” and “Chittenden.” And most importantly, they help make Yale the elitist institution we all know and love.
OPINION: I SUPPORT LEGACY ADMISSIONS
If we can recognize these simple but eternal truths, we should all come to support legacy admissions if–and only if–their parents were cool in college.
— L. Conklin
—B. Nguyen
Someone
built a snowman out of dirt and left a sign that says, “mR. SLuDge Is a mAD Fat bastArd.” Is this dirtman “mR. SLuDge,” or is he the one insulting mR. SLuDge? At Yale, there is no way to be sure. WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS —C. Rose WHAT’S IN THE JUNGLE JUICE?
The FirsT-Year issue 13 MY ROOMATE IS A GHOST
I don’t really mind the tortured howling noises Reginald makes during the day, but it’s a little annoying when he continues throughout the night. I know most roommates have different sleep ing schedules, but I’d appreciate it if he’d consider that the living still need a bit of shut-eye. Most nights, Reginald reads letters his mother wrote him during his time in service, which would be fine, if he didn’t whisper along as he reads. I get it, you miss your mom, but I don’t wanna hear your breathing and mouth sounds from across the room while I’m trying to complete my bedtime mindfulness routine. I also didn’t expect him to be so wet. He drags his trench foot everywhere, and it’s seriously disgusting. I know it’s not cool to comment on the personal hygiene of others, but this has become a serious issue. Reginald refuses to shower because, according to him, “it makes the trench foot worse” and “could rot the whole thing straight through the bone.” In an attempt to be understand ing of his situation, I bought him a stick of deodorant and left it on his bed as a subtle hint that he needs to take better care of himself. After a few days of settling in, I asked Reginald about the whole ghost thing. According to him, the idea is that if you die before you complete your “mission” on Earth (which sounded a little preachy to me, but I let it slide), then you become a ghost and try to finish what you started. I guess I hit a nerve when I sug gested my mission on Earth might be to bang his mom, because he very solemnly reminded me that his mother died of influenza in 1918. He also seemed upset when I mentioned taking a class on World War II, but I pointed out that maybe it wouldn’t have happened if his crew had fought a little harder the first time. So we’re different people, but that’s okay. That’s what ran dom first-year housing is all about: connecting folks with different perspectives. At least we both look forward to Chicken Tender Thursday. It gives us something to talk about.
Before I came to Yale, everyone told me that I would meet all kinds of different people; rich and poor, proud and humble, wise and naïve, even European.
What I didn’t expect was Reginald Bladley, the baby-faced American soldier who fought and died in the French trenches in World War I. I thought, okay, he’s a ghost. No big deal. I’ve never met one before, but surely he can’t be all that different from me. I came to school prepared for this kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong — Reginald is a perfectly nice guy — but his general roommate etiquette leaves something to be desired.
—S. Spaner
two
attempts to
1919 A snafu. 1895 Yale’s premier medical improv group pioneers the philosophy of “Yes, and” while removing a patient’s
1926 The Yale Admiral inspects his men for scoliosis in advance of the charity partridge hunt. 1963 Yog-Sothoth the Many-Limbed
of Darkness celebrates
first
We at The Record have long struggled to capture the zeitgeist of Yale’s campus. It is ever-changing like a flowing river. And like a flowing river, it is impossible to step in the same Yale twice. Which is a good thing, because we all know that standing water leads to gastrointestinal upset, and sometimes legionella. This year, in order to capture the true essence of Yale, we have compiled moments large and small from Yale’s past in order to paint a holistic picture of student life. kidney. God with other players after its ever football of Lad Club sniff out foreigners in their midst.
game as part
the team. 1991 The Fancy
The Record Remembers
winning
2012 Students on Yale’s campus after the release of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”
1974 Yale’s youngest Dean in history, Archie Phillips, throws the ceremonial First Punch at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
—Staff
1945 George H.W. Bush brings Barbara on a tour of Yale’s campus as a part of their honeymoon.
1985 A virtuous Yale man ascends to the heavens during the Rapture, grinning at the sinners left below to suffer under Satan’s hand.
1934 The Yale Men’s Costuming Association (no relation to the modern YMCA) poses for a celebratory portrait after winning the con dom look alike contest.
I WAS BULLIED IN HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE I WAS SMART
For instance, I never had to work very hard in statistics with Ms. Stanley, as I’d understood that elementary material from an early age. Instead, I graciously dedicated myself to aiding my peers with their mathematical woes. To inspire them, I showed my doltish class mates each and every A+ I got. Studies show that it is important for teenagers to have positive role models, so I took it upon myself to provide them with someone smart to look up to, adore, emulate, and exalt. However, jealous as always, the nincompoops in my class forewent my kindness, shunning me even after I bought every other student a copy of Basic Math for Dummies.
Alas, my torment extended beyond the classroom. When I scented Mary Breckensmith’s sweet and evocative pomegranateraspberry deodorant during gym, I told her how delightful it smelled, like any friendly classmate would. I told Mary how her fragrant pits awoke something deep and profound inside of my body that I thought would stay hidden forever, and suggested she apply more in the future. Did that idiot note how I didn’t use a gen dered word here, even though Mary Breckensmith was dumb and a woman appreciate my generous compliment? No, she didn’t. Instead she and her dumb women friends started avoiding me in the halls.When my keen eyes noticed some particularly dry skin, a telltale symptom of atopic dermatitis, on Drew Dameger’s elbow while he was writing an in-class essay on The Old Man and The Sea, I tried to help. My sharp mind understood from extensive medical study that assistance for atopic dermatitis (or eczema, as it’s known to the common fool) was needed. Always solution-oriented, I gave his el bow a long, juicy, rehydrating lick, making sure to salivate profusely over the affected area. Apparently being nice isn’t “cool” anymore, because cruel Drew and his cruel friends leered at me and started calling me a “creepy little joint-slurper” after that. Simpletons. I was bullied in high school because I was smart, but now I’ve finally escaped the juvenile miscreants with whom I unwillingly passed my adolescence. Now, the airheaded numbskulls of my high school can only watch in covetous awe when I post my first round of grades from Yale University on my Instagram story. I persevered, reached the promised land, and left all the muttonheads of my past behind in the wake of my glorious rise to success. I just know that my fellow Elis will have the mental fortitude to appreciate my admi ration for their pomegranate-scented pits. Weiss—E. Thulin
“I’m going back to work on a pset” — What people say when they’re going to a hookup. “I’m calling my parents” — What people say when they’re going to a hookup. “Get out! I’m in the middle of a hookup!” — What people say when they’re having a mental breakdown in their room and need a little privacy. Dean’s Excuse — When that kid named Dean in your entryway says he can’t move your couch because of his severe dust allergy. “I grew up comfortable” — This person’s dad owns a yacht. “My family is in the upper-middle class” — This person’s dad owns a private island. “Let’s go to Calhoun for lunch” — This person is a dad. With terrible taste in dining halls.
The Yale RecoRd16 YALE LINGO YOU NEED TO KNOW
Juxtaposition — When you have sex with your English professor.
“Let’s actually grab lunch” — “Enjoy your last days on Earth, shithead.”
“Everyone’s so nice here!” — This is what you say when you mean that moving to a new college is a really big change, and you’re really trying to enjoy the new environment, but you’re not sure if you truly belong here, and maybe you would have been better off go ing to your state school near your family and with all your friends, but you’ll probably end up being okay because at least some of the the people are somewhat nice. —Staff
I’m positively chuffed to begin attending an institution filled with peers of my caliber. I was formerly a begrudging member of Ave Ridge High School’s Class of 2022, but I’m as pleased as punch that that’s over. My fellow Ave Ridge students didn’t appreciate my intellect or wit – in fact, they bullied me for it. What can I say, lesser minds seek to destroy what they cannot understand.
MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF FIRST-YEAR NEEDS
“Do you want to grab lunch sometime?” — “Fuck you.”
—N.
0:28 - It’s Aunt Jessica calling! I miss the sound of your sweet voice, Tom! I found your Instantgram. I see that you have a girl in a lot of your posts! Is she your friend? Were you guys mini-golfing together? I love mini-golf! James has been posting a lot with a girl too, I think that might be his co-work er. I wish I had those types of co-workers and friends here. It gets lonely sometimes, haha! Call me if you get a chance!
HOW’S LIFE AT YALE?
0:31 - Hey Tommy, this is your Aunt Jessica calling! Looks like you’re busy. Your mom told me that today is your first day at Yale. I just wanted to call and give you a big virtual hug! I’m so proud of you, and I just know that you are going to do so great in college this year! Okay, give me a call when ever you are free, you studious boy! 0:42 - Hey Tommy, it’s Aunt Jessica again! I know I called a few hours ago, but just wanted to check in. School must be pretty tough there, huh? Are your professors strict? Anyway, your mom told me you and your roommate are get ting along well. It must be so nice to live with someone! James is on a business trip, so it gets a little lonely around here. Give me a call when you’re free! Love you! 0:39 - Tommy, Tommy, Tommy! Wow, a whole day and no call! You must be so busy, oh my word! I hope you and your roommate are still getting along, and that your classes have been going well. James is working in The Big Apple this week, so he’s not that far from you. Maybe I’ll call and ask him to come visit you. But he’s busy like you are, you know. I feel like I’ve been leaving so many voicemails for both of you hardworking men! Call me! 0:34 - Hellooo Tommy! Long time no talk, haha! It’s your Aunt Jessica calling. I have crazy news; turns out James is working in New York for the next six months! He just texted to tell me! I hadn’t spoken to him in a while, so it was nice to get that text. Maybe if calling is too much, you could text me too, haha! But, I know you’re so busy with all of your Yale work and Yale friends! I hope you’ll call your Yale Aunt soon!
HEY!
0:29 - Hi Tommy! I talked to your mom, and she told me that it’s been a little tough for you to adjust to Yale. I just wanted to call to let you know that you can talk to me about all of that stuff whenever. I’ve been going through a tough time too, Tom. I think maybe James is cheating on me with that co-worker I told you about. That’s what the nice customer sup port officer at Instantgram thought, at least. I noticed that they went to a slam poetry reading together in one of his posts, and that was our special thing. Okay, bye. Call me if you can!
—T. Bhat
0:33 - Hey Tommy! God, three days already and no call! I’m sure you’re having a lot of fun in New Haven. Do you have Instantgram? Maybe I could follow you on Instantgram to see what you’re up to. I just found out that James has an Instantgram, and I saw all of these lovely ladies that he works with. Call me!
WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS
The FirsT-Year issue 17
To accommodate the expanding class size, Yale installs four new Theodore Dwight Woolsey statues.
0:23 - Hi Tom! One whole week, wow! I just was calling to ask, did you by chance tell James that I was looking at his Instantgram? I searched him up today but his account didn’t show up. Maybe it’s just my silly phone acting up, haha! I know you’re working hard! Call me! Love you!
0:43 - Hi, Jessica? You keep calling this number, and I wanted to let you know that I am not your nephew Tommy. At first, your calls were extremely disruptive and annoying, but now, I’ve grown to find comfort in the sound of your voice. We’re in a similar situation, you and I. My fiancé has been spending many long nights at the bowling alley, and you helped me realize that she might be cheating, too. But honestly, after you came into my life, I realized I don’t need her anymore. What if we went mini-golfing together? I can be everything James isn’t and more. I know we could have some thing special. Call me. . . 0:13. - Hello Tommy! I heard your funny voicemail, you are such a prankster! So good to hear from you! I’m glad Yale hasn’t taken away your sense of humor. Okay, love you, call me!
Overall, I would not recommend FOOT to any incoming freshman. I signed up for an “intensive” trip, yet I seemed like the only member who had any passion for the subject matter. No one in my FOOT group even talks to me anymore, let alone offered to join me at the Southern Connecticut Pedial Society’s “Buns in the Sun” Bunion Awareness and Appreciation Conference over fall break. So it was really just a complete waste of time. If you are an enthusiast much like myself, I would highly recommend joining TUIB (Toe and Underwear Inspection Bureau) or clubs labeled as FGLI (Foot Gobblers Love It!). Chemists Jay Hartstein and Michael Blotch release carbon monoxide in their attempt to synthesize a new nerve agent for use in the Big War.
Once we got to campus, our leaders asked us to give three facts about ourselves, and they chose me to go first. I wanted to choose things that would relate to FOOT and Yale in general, so I told everyone the basics: 1) I love bunions, 2) after I trim my toenails, I always give them a quick sniff, and 3) I’m a CS major. The next five people gave no relevant information. They just kept blabbering about how often they went camping and all the clubs they led in high school. Finally, one guy started talking about his dogs. I smiled and gave him a knowing look, but to be honest, I’m a bit worried about everyone else’s dogs. Not one of them men tioned how often they moisturize their toes or inspect for fungus. Don’t even get me started on the trip itself. We weren’t allowed to bring our phones, so I couldn’t even show them my whole collection. I had to settle with the Polaroid pics that I keep in my wallet for emergencies.
The Yale RecoRd18 OH YEAH, IT’S SEX TIME. You did it. You made it through the line of your clamoring classmates and you’re finally in the glorious promised land of AEPi. Now all that’s left is to rub your sweet pheromonal sweat on a sweetheart and hope they’re as juiced up as you are and willing to go back to your LDub top bunk. But before you can say “L’chaim!” to your libido, there are certain steps you must take to ensure this salacious Saturday night goes as smoothly as possible. The first thing that’s crucial for your creeking is confidence, so that they’re comfortable around you. You don’t want them to think that you’re a just another freak finding a friend to get fridgy with (although if you’re reading this, I got some bad news for you). So how do you approach without making them immediately throw up all over your epic Yale ‘26 shirt and come off as the bravo babe you boast to be? Simple: do some PCP. Angel dust is known to give you superhuman abilities, one of them be ing confidence. Get high as a kite so you can get down to it, like a much lower kite. Now you’ve got them on the hook and need to reel them in. Since there’s a good chance this is your first kiss not with a Jimmy Carter cardboard cutout (no shame, we’ve all been seventeen), here’s one tip that will instantly make your makeout game more lethal than Henry Kiss inger, who was also a top-tier tonsil-tapper. Use a fuck-ton of tongue. I really can’t emphasize this enough: the more tongue you get in their mouth, the better you are at kiss ing. Don’t even bother letting those pernicious plump pillows you call lips get in the way; lead with your magical muscular muse and let the rest come naturally.
—E. Calderon I THOUGHT FOOT WAS FOR ENTHUSIASTS
—A. Mayagoitia
I can only offer one piece of advice to current freshmen: stay away from FOOT at all costs. For me, it was an upsetting and, frankly, misleading experience that I recommend everyone avoid. The problems began even before I arrived on campus. Our FOOT organizers told us that we needed to buy long, white socks, but then they said I couldn’t bring my lace thigh-highs. Not only that, but they also told everyone that they had to go out and buy hiking boots, which are notoriously horrible for quick and easy access (something I thought everyone would know).
WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS
Great! Now on the way back, make some sexy small talk about topics like the Dewey Decimal System, the 1868 Burlingame Treaty, or whatever the fuck that GILF Jimmy Carter is doing with his life. Get to your suite ASAP, quickly make your bed with your nice, non-Mario themed sheets (this part is optional), and celebrate sex time the only way Yalies know how: discussing prominent issues of women’s, gender, and sexuality studies.
The FirsT-Year issue 19 —L. Conklin TOP FIVE ANDREWS YOU’LL MEET AT YALE 1. Andrew 2. Andrew 3. Andrew 4. Andrew 5. HonorableAndrew Mention: Andrew —J. Wickline
Set a Trap — If Campus Customs is closed, you can simply dig a 6x6 basin in any residential college courtyard (TD has the best soil — richer than a Barclay and softer than Charmin Triple-Ply Ultra Strong Toilet Paper). Fill said basin with legally purchased Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The frosh will emerge from their entryways and fall in the Tito Tub™️. Observe them splash to-andfro, sanitized but destined to drown, like rats in a swimming pool. You can use a net to rescue some of the most entertaining ones, but please donate the rest to Yale’s Department of Ecology & Evolutionary Biology, as they are conducting an ongoing study of those unfit for survival.
HOW TO SPOT A FROSH IN THE WILD
Scout Prime Locations — An ardent nature enthusi ast must be willing to explore frosh-dense loca tions, even at their own personal risk. The easiest place to check for frosh is the textbook aisle at Campus Customs. Frosh often fail to recognize that Campus Customs is the most expensive place to purchase anything, thus serving as a bastion of first-year naïveté. But be careful and steel your nerves, dear explorer, as the allure of overpriced Yale Dad merchandise can be intoxicating.
Observe Group Behavior — Frosh are known to travel in packs. They huddle together like a pack of mini assorted alcoholic beverages, perhaps handmade vodka labels produced in Austin, Texas, made the old-fashioned way and qualitycontrolled by multiple rounds of taste tests. If you see a large, single-gender herd headed in one direction, there’s a chance you may have frosh on your tail. Who knows — they could be following you! Install a Permanent Tito Tub™ and Become a Tito’s Handmade Vodka Brand Ambassador—L. Conklin
BARTLEMEBUS
Know The Signs — Lanyards! William Averell Har riman once said, “not all frosh wear Yale Lan yards, but all Yale Lanyard-wearers are frosh.” These dog tags label frosh for your observation, already complete with unique identification numbers that allow for tracking during migration season. Additionally, you can use the leftover lanyards in the Tito Tub™️ to identify the fallen soldiers and lady soldiers. You can also pawn them off for extra swipes at the Bow Wow.
By A. Buchholz
EVST 140: Identifying Trees
THEM 390: How They’re Different From Us
PHIL 210: Applied Phil Professor Phil Jones M-F 9:00-5:00 Note: Must be taken after PHIL 110 In this class, advanced Phil students are able to implement the knowledge they acquired in PHIL 110, becoming Phils themselves. Upon completion of the course material, upwards of 70% of students are successfully Phils.
This course is offered as both in-person lectures and asynchronous online modules. Attendance of weekly sections is optional but strongly recommended, and MATH 225: Linear Algebra
A rigorous introduction to the theory of vector spac es, matrix theory and linear transformations, deter minants, eigenvalues, inner product spaces, and the spectral theorem. Students will be tested on conceptual understanding and required to produce original proofs.
TTh 10:30-11:35
Nature is an unfamiliar concept to many undergradu ates. This course aims to overcome the barriers of in door isolation and help students spot trees in their natural habitats. This course builds both inductive and deductive reasoning skills through real-time observa tion, inviting students to ask both, “Is it a tree?” and “Is it not a tree?”
Professor Hortense Wellington-Asquith MW 3:50-4:00
The Yale RecoRd20 2022BlueYaleBook2023
Professor Zena Faughbique
The latter half of the course focuses on the culturally significant Phils and Philips of history, with the final weeks dedicated to present-day Phils and predicting fu ture trends in Phil analysis.
INTR 101: Introduction To Interdisciplinary Studies
PHIL 110: Introductory Phil Professor Robert Jones MWF 10:30-11:45
In this course we will explore the intersection between the overlap of expressions of contradiction and collabo ration through the lens of a combined socio-cultural space of diverging contexts. We aim to look at how they both reinforce and challenge structures of social behav ior, understanding, and power. Through close reading and big-picture analysis, this course guides students to reflect on the societal implications of comparison.
Those people aren’t like us. They’re not just different; they’re abnormal, freakish, and frankly, they’re barely even human.
MATH 224: Linear Algebra for Ladies
Professor George Maxwell MW 2:30-3:45
CRAM 125: I’ll Catch Up At Some Point Professor Juan Naitonly MWF 9:00-10:15
Also listed under EP&E 221, AMST 263, HUMS 310, LITR 239, ENGL 216, ER&M 221, PHIL 274, HIST 119, HSAR 180, PLSC 117, SOCY 416, ANTH 160 and GLBL 221 Professor Ina Dishuntu M 9:30-12:30
This class functions as a survey for the basics of Phil, dealing with Phils on a theoretical and practical level. The first segment of the course explores the theory be hind Phil, asking hard-hitting questions like what dif ferentiates Phillips’ head screw from a flathead screw.
An introduction to math ideas called “vectors,” and spe cial groups of vectors called “vector spaces.” Students will be asked to listen carefully to the teacher and take notes in neat handwriting. Ladies with especially strong mathematical skills are encouraged to get to know the nice boys in MATH 225.
Professor Redd Woode Sat 9:45-3:30
Look, medicine isn’t for everyone. Blood is super sticky and gross, and those classes are pretty hard. But don’t worry, champ. We’ll get you back on your feet in no time. This course prepares you to face the world with out a scalpel and lab coat: solving complex issues with just your heart, problem-solving skills, and a well-or ganized Powerpoint presentation outlining four action able suggestions that can be implemented by Thursday. For further study, undergraduates are encouraged to take BAIN 115: Summer Internships or BCG 210: Return Offers.
The frontier of data regulation in the United States grows more complex everyday, and this course aims to shed light on the modern legislative process and equip students to handle an ever-changing political land scape. We will frame the course with an initial reading of the Federalist Papers. Throughout the duration of the semester we will work our way through the Feder alist Papers. And in our final weeks, we will circle back to the Federalist Papers.
Yale Blue Book Fall Term, 2022 Published—Staff by the Yale University Press ©Yale University Classy Crew, 2022 Printed in the United States of America. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher because it’s fake and just a goofy joke.
MATH 123: Counting Up Professor Addy Shin MWF 4:50-6:00
A fall semester course exploring each number in detail. Students begin at one, and each new lecture will introduce a higher number in the ordinal. The course culminates in a final exam that tests students on their understanding of every number covered in lecture.
Further studies available in MATH 456: Continuing to Count, and MATH 321: Counting Down, where students will gradually decrement to 0, the lowest number ever.
Professor James Jay Hamilton Thu 11:30-1:30
The FirsT-Year issue 21
150th Edition 2020, pbk. ISBN: (203) 432-2400 Design stolen from an uncredited staffer. Also available as a webpage at yale.sis.org there is an honor-code system for completing the read ings. Class participation does not factor into a student’s final grade. Students who regularly attend office hours and successfully self-pace should have no problem with the cumulative final exam.
PLSC 314: Protecting Privacy: The Regulation of Big Tech in a Post-Industrial Surveillance State
BIOL 200: The Gut Professor Edward Sophagus TTh 12:50-2:15
• YALE 100: Yale University • POPE 230: What Do You Think About The Pope? • CPSC 118: See CPSC 116 • SPAN 5!: Spanish All At Once • CPSC 116: See CPSC 117 • SOLD 321: To The Mysterious Gentleman In The Corner With The Silk Cravat • DAD 000: Introduction to Vasectomies • CPSC 117: See CPSC 115 • HIST 171J: History of Jorts • CPSC 115: Recursion (See CPSC 118) • FILM 451: Avuncular Distress in Western Cinema • ENGL 575: The Post-Structural Haiku and The Disappointment of Not Counting Syllables • ART 750: Disconnecting The Dots • PSYC 410: Why Are You Hitting Yourself? • College Seminar: Dartmouth CANCELLED COURSES
Awh you a humanities majow? Awh you afwaid of weal cwasses? Do you have a tummy-wummy? This couwse anawyzes yummy foods fwom ice cweam to beew and expwains how they give you mowe tummy-wummy! Onwy expewience wequiwed is abiwity to eat sowid food. Wawning to humanities majows: this cwass does featuwe sevewal numbews. >:( BIOL 050 - Dropping Pre-Med Professor Mackenzie Payswell MW 2:30-3:45
— Staff
Love, camaraderie, beauty—all are alien to the freshman, replaced by amusement, networking, trendiness. No, freshmen do not truly live. They only survive. They subsist without joy, and exist only to confiscate the joy of others. They are different from me. Yes, I promise you: I was never like this! I never oozed toxic vapor from my reeking pores; I used de odorant! I never spoke in clicks and clacks instead of using human language; saying “res college” is nothing like saying “resco!” The fact is, I never looked in a mirror and saw a freshman staring back. I was just never like these freshmen! Never! And I vow to never, ever stop hating them. As long as I draw breath, these creatures will be repulsive to me. As long as I live, I will devote that life to fighting them. And as long as there is truth in this world, so help me, I swear this: these freshmen will never become sophomores!
They said I shouldn’t be here. They said I didn’t deserve it. They said I wasn’t ready for it. Well, Mom and Dad, look at me now. I’m Whenhere.Idropped out of high school to create balloon art at a farmers’ market, everyone wrote me off. But I always knew I had what it took to go to Yale. Some things are more important than a high school diploma. Yale accepts kids who have a little red beating organ that can’t be measured by grades.
The Yale RecoRd24 TO MY DOUBTERS
—B. Hollander-Bodie Hartstein and Blotch tend the Yale Farm as punishment for contaminating the beet harvest with their little experiments.
I HATE FRESHMEN
WHAT’S NEW ON CAMPUS Roser
—C.
I hate their hair, their skin, their follicles. I hate their crooked, spindly fingers, toes, elbows, knees. I hate their noses and chins. All of it! I hate it! It all makes me want to choke and die, although I know I can’t do that, or else some horrible freshmen will go to my Yale-sponsored vigil.
You read the headline. And it’s true. This issue may be, against my wishes, devoted to them, but me? I despise freshmen. I hate them with every fiber of my being, and most of the time with even more fibers than that. I hate the way their eyes are filled with such hollow vigor, like the world is just one big oyster for them to stick in their hot, damp mouths and gnash up with their jagged yellow fangs. I hate it! I can’t bear to look a freshman in those terrible eyes. To see some thing so unlike me, yet so disturbingly arrogant in its fallacious notion that it, in fact, is like me.
—A. Cramer
When I got a 450 on the SAT, the College Board recommend ed I go back to eighth grade. Instead, I now attend the fifth-best university in the nation according to US News & World Report.
The day that I opened my Yale Admissions portal will live on forever in my mind. I saw those twelve glorious words at the start of that letter, “The Yale Admissions Committee has completed its evaluation of this year’s candidates.” I didn’t even need to read the rest of the letter to understand the long-awaited news. Nothing would ever be the same. It was a little weird when I never got any more emails from the school, but I’ve been told the administration struggles with pre-frosh communication. The registrar had a mix-up that didn’t allow me to add any classes to my course selection work sheet, but that’s just kinda how registration goes. What happened to shopping period, amiright? They thought I didn’t have the brain to make it here. I think they don’t have the eyes to see what Yale is all about. It’s more than the things you can put on a page: it’s about grit, love, and generosity of spirit. Everyone here gets it. My friend even offered to let me stay on his couch until we figure out what’s up with my housing prob lem. Yale really is a place for all types, from the nerdiest of nerds to those of us who read at a third grade level. To all my doubters, I say this: fuck you. And to all the little kids out there who are told they’re too stupid to make it here: Yale isn’t for everyone. You probably aren’t cut out for this kind of rigorous social and academic challenge the way that I am. Try to be realistic.
I hate it when they don’t sleep and then talk to each other about it! I hate it when they do sleep and then have all the more energy to cheerfully blab about how “wellness” they are! I hate it when they dominate my discussion sections. I hate it when they eat my chicken tenders on Thursday. I hate it when they already know their intoler able majors. I hate it even more when it’s the same as mine.
Think of Yale as the world’s best dating platform. We at the admissions office spent the past three months poring over 50,000 applications and selecting 1,500 of the finest future fiancés in the country. It wasn’t easy; our pool of qualified applicants is highly competitive and, by and large, pretty ugly.
Piggyback — The quickest way to make a new friend is to jump on their back and yell, “Giddy-up Horsey!” on the way to your shared 9 am. Preferably, choose the smallest, weakest, most-distant acquaintance in your class (all the better if you can land a TF), and take them to the fucking ground. This is how you establish dominance. Once you’ve broken them in, you have a free and fashionable ride anytime you want it.
We’re even offering a new slate of classes this year, including a first-year lecture called “Sociology of the Single College Student” and a senior seminar on writing a prenup, which our advisors say comes in handy when your partner starts meeting non-Yalies. To incentivize these courses, starting with the Class of 2026, we will confer, in addition to Latin honors, a special laude cum nuptialem distinction to those students whose GPAs are below 3.0, but still graduate with both a diploma and a ring on their finger. To further encourage engagement, we have updated the Dean’s Excuse policy to accommodate honeymoons alongside family and medical emergen cies.
Dragged by Your Fucking Coattails — Finally, new this year is the exciting service provided by a team of hired kidnappers that will wrestle you out of bed to the screams of your terri fied roommate, throw you in the back of a van, and deposit you in front of Kline Biology Tower with your wrists bound by zip ties. Nothing is more suave than begging fellow class mates to cut you loose as you try not to cry.
—E. Atlee FIND A MATE Dear Member of the Class of 2026, Welcome to Yale College!
You probably want to major in something with virtually zero economic value like Art History, Ancient Greek Studies, or Ichthyol ogy, and, as a liberal arts school, we want you to follow your passion. We also want you to be rich. And, at Yale, there are plenty of future lawyers, doctors, and bankers who are single and ready to mingle. To facilitate your flirtations, we allow you to take courses Credit/D/Fail, so you can woo outside your major without academic consequences. You spent high school being an excellent student, but now it’s time to shift focus. There’s nothing more important than who you spend the rest of your life with. Some of your less ambitious peers will spend their time writing papers and studying for classes, saving romance for their GCals. We hope you don’t make the same mistake.
To quote our alma mater, “Bright college years, with pleasure rife / Get your ass a husband or wife.”
So if you see a group of ungodly sized football players in zip ties, just know that they’ve replaced their bastard Razor scooters with something much cooler, and you should, too.
The Yale experience is shaped by the people who comprise its community. In high school, you had to worry about falling for the attractive meathead, but, here at Yale, we’ve done all the selection for you. Now, even the hot ones have a passing interest in Aristotelian metaphysics. Our student body is vibrant and diverse, so whether you’re looking for a nice Jewish boy or a proselytizing Zoroastrian, we are certain you can find someone of any background at our many religious and cultural centers. And if you’re an atheist, you can just go to Steep Café.
Best Wishes, Jeremiah Quinlan, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions —M. Singh
The athlete scooter is OUT, and we have a whole new list of rides that are IN. After an unfortunate recent encounter with a football player, in which the massive man swung his Razor scooter swiftly into my ankle, and I was forced to limp away down Prospect as if nothing had happened, I’ve come to the un related, unbiased realization that those stupid good-for-nothing scooters are so last semester. If you want to be the hottest firstyear on your way to class, try these options instead: The Yuttle — Despite what Razor USA LLC would have you believe, the Yale Shuttle is actually extremely sexy. Where else can you stare dramatically out the window manic-pixiedream-girl-style as you speed by all the plebs walking up Science Hill on foot? A recent student poll has shown that standing waiting for the Yuttle is also extremely mysterious and not awkward at all. If you’re still nervous about being a wallflower, try making prolonged eye contact with onlookers, and when they try to look away, start barking. Works like a charm.
Canoe — Nothing says “I can face adversity better than you” like rowing a canoe up a dry asphalt street, ideally on the ever-crowded Prospect Ave. Let everyone hear the scrape of your canoe against the ground as you battle friction and the flood of mainstream, boring pedestrians. Best of all, if people ask why you’re holding up traffic as you inch along the con crete, it’s a perfect chance to bring up that time during your gap year when you went canoeing with other free-spirited travelers and how it totally changed your life.
The FirsT-Year issue 25 HOTTEST RIDES ON CAMPUS
For over three hundred years, Yale’s motto “Lux et Veritas”–“Light and Truth”–has guided Yale students, faculty, and alumni in their pursuit of knowledge and leadership. Well, that’s what we write on the brochures at least. But now that you’ve been accepted to Yale, don’t let knowledge and leadership distract you from what you should really pursue over the next four years: finding a mate.
C “Words are the notes we use to play the song of life.” Words are more like little tools people use in order to communicate with each other.
MostlyA’s:Art.Whatever.Icoulddothattoo,ifIwanted.
4. Who do you consider to be your idol and why?
A. That clingy little boy scout from Up; oh boy did he know that adventure is out there.
— R. Howard — A. Burch
B. “Those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it.” A historian never misquotes.
C. Waking up at 5 AM to gather wild blueberries from a nearby thicket and watching the sun rise.
B. The unhoused man you met on the street the other day; he read you a truly inspiring poem about the beauty of simple things and then disappeared into the night.C.Jimmy
B. Reading books to orphans while nursing an injured puppy in one arm and donating blood out of the other.
2. How do you like to spend your time? A. Hiking, fishing, and going days without showering.
2. What classes were your favorites in high school?
WHICH MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
C I reject the rhetorical construction of “career change” for its implicit tying of occupation to selfhood.
C. Carrots. Just carrots.
MostlyA’s:FOCUS—Youlovethe outdoorsandruggedindividualism. FOCUSwillkeepyouinsideanddealing withpeople,helpingyouadjusttotheYale lifestyleofsacrificingwhatyouenjoytodo whatyouarebadat.
1. If you had to choose one meal to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?
The Yale RecoRd26
A. Art books. B. History books. C. Books on the scientific study of language, especially concerning its fundamental nature and underlying structure.
4. What’s a common saying you just can’t stand?
1. What kind of books do you like to read?
D. I skipped sixth through twelfth grade after developing a new kind of addition.
MostlyD’s:OIS—Theyusedifferent standardizedtestformatsoutsideofthe US.It’skindoflikeaFahrenheit/Celsius skippedthing.Youthequizandwentstraight toanswers:Harvest—That’swhatyou getfornottakingthequiz.Enjoyoffering yourfreelabortotheFarm.
A “There are no mistakes in art, just happy accidents.” Whoever said this should see some of the stuff my friends come up with.
A. Trail mix, boiled water, and a browning banana. B. The tears of the top 1%.
A. Anything creative! I love using my hands to make new things.B . History classes. C Phonology and morphology classes.
5. How do you feel about the government?
WHICH PRE-O PROGRAM ARE YOU?
B. It’s totally broken, but you plan to fix it from the inside by becoming a politician and fighting for the people. It may be a tough road ahead, but you believe that your community can come together for what’s right.
A. You perfected the classic forest floor squat-and-shit. B. You cured cancer and ended world hunger.
C. You think that Biden fella oughta eat more greens. That might help with the memory loss.
C. You ruined every dish by adding nutritional yeast.
MostlyB’s:FOOT—Youhaveakind andgenerousspirit.FOOTwillputthat tothetest.Ifyoucanmakeitthrough yourtripwithoutkillingJasperfromNew York,youwillproveyourselfaworthy humanitarian.
THE RECORD QUIZ CORNER
MostlyC’s:CulturalConnections—Just basedonvibes.
3. Imagine yourself making a career change at age forty. What job are you leaving, and what are you starting?
MostlyB’s:English.Yeah,English.TheseColdWarseminarsaretoocrowdedalready. MostlyC’s:Linguistics.Oh,that’scool,Iguess.Imean,Icanseehowitwouldbe.
MostlyD’s:It’sreallynotagreatideatoskipfromfifthgradetocollegejustbecauseyou’re havingtroublewiththeplace-valuestrategyforaddingthree-digitnumbers.Butifyour heart’ssetonit,youcouldstilldowellinEconomics
D. “I want to hear more about your idea, but first I need to make sure you understand how to add with columns. Which do we add first, the ones place or the tens place?” This is stupid. Laser Addition is way easier, not to mention faster.
D By then, every fifth-grader will be learning Laser Addition. Who cares what’s next? I’ve already won.
A I’ll probably be leaving my elementary-school art students behind as my more ambitious sculptural series start selling to big-city collectors. I’ll never forget those kids, though. B. I will finish writing my fourth history book and start writing my fifth. Both will deal with events from the past.
D. Reading? What? (I feel more comfortable with numbers.)
3. You’re looking back on your life in 60 years. What is the one thing you hope you can say about your time on Earth?
Gourd of VeggieTales - now that’s a veggie.
A. One day, you hope to live off the grid in hopes of escaping the firm grasp of the flawed American system.
4. What are you all majoring in?
MostlyA’s:Slowburn.Littlebylittlethegroupwill driftapart.OnceyourFROCOgraduatestherewon’t bemuchholdingyoutogether.Mostofyouwillstay acquaintances,buttheCSmajorswillsimplyneverbe seenagain.
2. How did your friend group meet?
A. We all got locked out of L-Dub and waited for Yale Security together. B. We were all in the same FroCo Group.
B. If one of them said they were into me I wouldn’t be opposed.C.Ilegally married David so I could get in on that sweet off-campus apartment. Plus, Exeter legacy, baby.
A. We’re mostly humanities majors, with a few STEM kids sprinkled throughout. B. We’re all pre-med.
MostlyC’s:Theproblemisyou.Whenyoustoodby Davidevenafterthechallahincident,youwereboth boundtobeontheoutsofthegroup.Haveyounoticed they’retextinginthegroupchatalotlesslately?They aren’t.You’rejustnotinthenewone.Also,Davidis stillwithhishighschoolgirlfriend,incasenoonetold you.Sorry.
MostlyB’s:Thisshit’sabouttocrashandburn.Take itfromme,you’regonnawishyounevermetsomeof thesepeople.Therewillbepublichumiliation,rumors, andprobablyadeadbirdortwoleftinyourfireplace.
A. None! We’re literally perfect together! B. Yeah, someone had to sit at a different table at Commons because they couldn’t fit. C. David tried to break into the Slifka Center to get challah before Shabbat, and he got really mad when Sarah called Yale Security on him. But they sorted that out a while ago, I think. I haven’t heard anything recently.
A. Cross Campus. We do work together then sit and chat.
6. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
8. Have you gotten into any fights?
C. We all went to school in New York together! Oh, except David, he went to Exeter. #Diversity
B. Tsai City. The modern, sunlit energy just has the best vibes for our conversations. C. David’s apartment. He technically lives on-campus, but his parents got him another apartment to use when he needs his alone time. He lets me sleepover sometimes.
A. I got you this time! B. I’m not going to Woads. C. Ah, sorry, I don’t really keep cash on me anymore; David’s gotten me super into Crypto recently.
3. Are you more likely to spot someone $5 for Woads or need someone to lend you money?
1. Where do you live?
7. Where do you guys usually hang out?
9. Are you into anyone in your friend group?
C. We’re all going for Grand Strategies. I trust the administration can separate the wheat from the chaff.
— B. —Kubovy-WeissG.Ellis
A. Extrovert. B. Introvert. C. Extroverted introvert.
A. On Old Campus. B. The New Colleges. C. I’m over the age of 21 or am legally married, thus I am permitted to live off-campus.
The FirsT-Year issue 27 THE RECORD QUIZ CORNER
A. Nope. We’re all just friends.
HOW WILL YOUR FIRST-YEAR FRIEND GROUP FALL APART?
DearUnfortunately,Owlet, it sounds like you’re what we call a “hopeless loser”. If you didn’t meet your friend group during those five glorious days of pre-orientation, you probably won’t ever meet them, at least not organically. But fear not, for there are ways to snare friends post-orientation, all tried and true. There’s the classic “huge pot of honey” ruse, which lures future companions using the sweet, sweet smell of an oversized, inescapably sticky pot of honey.The only risk of this method is that the resulting friends are primarily ants and other small insects. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers. If that’s not your style, you can forge intimate emotional connec tions by setting up a table with a sign that says “Free Professional Psychiatric Help”. After creeping your way into your poten tial pal’s psyche through carefully planned classical conditioning, you can start asking them to hang out and drink beer, which is a cool thing to do with friends. Finally, you can become incredibly wealthy and suc cessful later in life, and everyone who has ever ignored you will be kissing your very nice and expensive shoes just to dip their toes in your pool (which overlooks what your realtor calls a “hidden gem of a valley in California’s wine country”). This will teach you that material things are actually awesome, despite what any forest monks might say, and that multi-million dollar apartments across Europe can fill the emp ty parts of life even better than friends can. Dear Old Owl, I’m freaking out about sharing bathrooms. Being naked in the same room as other people is something I just can’t handle. Even brushing my teeth feels too intimate. Is there a way to avoid this embarrassment?
DearAfterOwlet,an experience eerily similar to the film The Devil Wears Prada, I learned an important lesson: the best way to learn is through immersion (also, you can fasttrack over days of boring work by playing a 4 minute long KT Tunstall song, but that’s less relevant). If seeing other people naked is something that you “just can’t handle,” make an active effort to immerse yourself in this unfamiliar culture. Embrace nudity whenever possible. The human body is a beautiful thing, and anyone would be lucky to see your beautiful, uncovered, unafraid penis. If this is too daunting, you can start slow: print out photos of your suit emates, cut out the eyes, and tape them to your walls, so you can get used to being watched when you’re at your most vulnera ble. Eventually, you’ll work your way up to real eyes. Alternatively, there’s always the cowardly option: shrouding yourself headto-toe in a dark cloak at all times. However, while the cloak is mysterious and alluring, it will ultimately drag you down. Based on my own experience, the cloak will trail be hind you for miles, people will step on it, it will get stuck in doors, and it will generally be a pain in the ass. For these reasons, I encourage you to embrace the full-nudity lifestyle. Plus, once your penis has felt the shining of the sun and the whisper of the gentle breeze, you’ll never want to go back.
Ask Old Owl!
Old Owl is an alcoholic, nicotineaddicted nightbird that roams campus scrounging for vestiges of the relevance he enjoyed in the Record’s heyday. He now offers advice, free of charge. If you’d like to Ask Old Owl about your weird life, askoldowl@yalerecord.com.email
Dear Old Owl, I want to make friends, but I’m a quiet person. Everyone is buddying up, building relationships, and breaking off. I fear I might have missed the chance to do the same. How can I catch up with everyone else and make friends?
Dear Old Owl, I’m in a seminar on medieval European history, and I want to participate, but the professor is so intimidating. I feel woefully unprepared for the content that we’re covering, and everyone else seems to know what they’re talking about. How can I be a part of the class despite feeling like I don’t know anything? DearYouOwlet,must, as the student, surpass the master. You’re going to want to learn ev erything about medieval European history — and I mean everything. In any situation that arises in that class, you need to be right. Your sentences in this class should start with the following phrases: Well, actu ally; That’s what you think; or Ha! Only idiots believe that. Eventually, your subtle but powerful intimidation tactics will re ward you when your professor blunders while describing the creation of the Kal mar Union. After such an egregious error, you have grounds to challenge your pro fessor to a duel. Once you trounce them in melee combat, your classmates will bow down to you and worship you as their fear less erudite leader. You’ll need to pick up some leadership skills, and stat, but that’s no problem. You’re a natural-born king. Or viscount. Or something. You’ll have to teach the class, since by this point, you’ve sent your professor into an irreversible spi ral of crippling shame. This will result in long-term indentured servitude to you, as they tend your sheep farm in rural Con necticut, where you still occasionally let them see their spouse and children, if you’re feeling generous. Someday, this cycle will repeat: an insecure student will challenge you, and you will suffer as your professor suffers. In the meantime, you can grade some papers, invade some duchies, and sire some Edwards. For now, though, remember: you da king. Flaunt that crown while you’ve got it.
I’m
To get involved, contact our board or scan the QR code to the right. If you have a religious exemption to google forms (a right the Record and Urban Debate League fully respect), you can visit our website! YOU!
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to rub together? Do you want to give back to the New Haven community? Do you want to prove to yourself, in some small way, that your father was wrong about you? URBAN DEBATE LEAGUE In loving matrimony with the Yale Record, we present to you: At New Haven Urban Debate League, we believe all students deserve access to debate education. • Coaching at over 10 New Haven County schools Annual summer camp www.ynhudl.com newhavenudl@gmail.com NOREQUIREDEXPERIENCE
Yeah, talking to you, birdbrain. brain cells
