The First-Year Issue

RECORD

LIVE FREE OR DIE: THIS PATRIOT DRANK A GALLON OF RED PAINT BECAUSE AN UPPITY HOME DEPOT EMPLOYEE TOLD HIM NOT TO.

Dear Record Readers,

It’s a little awkward, so we’ll get straight to the point. This Wednesday we humbly ask you to support Wikipedia. Wikipedia is hosted by a not-for-profit organization. They don’t have ads. They don’t have shareholders. They have donors, and they exist solely because of donations from their readers, like you.

Regards, The Yale Record Editorial Board

Dear Yale Dining,

I have found six hairs in my cheddar soup. What’s with that? I’ve placed it in a plastic bag so you can run some tests and find the culprit.

Yours Forever, Derek

FROCO DIES IN LINE OF

Dear Yale Record,

DUTY

Dear Derek,

We’ve run extensive DNA analysis and found that the hair you send us belonged to Ben Shapiro. What was Ben Shapiro doing in your cheddar soup? The world may never know.

Yours Forever, Yale Dining

As a loyal reader, I am appalled by the lack of Whale content of late. For years, this magazine has offered comedic works with a martime twist. Have you forgotten your historical duty?

Sternly, A Former Fan

Dear Former Fan, AaoooooohhhheEEEHHHHHHHHOurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaww.

Whalishly, A Whale

UH OH: I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED MY PROFESSOR MOM AND NOW I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER

REPORT: FIRST YEARS ARE BACK ON CAMPUS AND THEY’RE READY TO FUCK!

STRANGE BUT TRUE: AT THE START OF EVERY IN-PERSON CLASS AT YALE, IT IS CUSTOMARY TO KISS THE PROFESSOR ON THE LIPS

Dear Best Buy,

How do you do what you do? How do you thrive so? I’m tired of failure. I work so hard. What’s your secret?

Sincerely, Worst Buy

LOCAL CUCK DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN MAILMAN NOT ACTUALLY FUCKING HIS WIFE

Dear Worst Buy, Your problem is that your name is Worst Buy! You frickin goof. What a wacky name, compared to ours.

Sincerely, Best Buy

CHASTITY

Dear Lawyer, I punched my arch-nemesis in the stomach and accidentally did the Heimlich Maneuver on him while he was choking, thus saving his life. Since he now technically owes me his life, am I legally allowed to kill him?

Sincerely, Fred

INSPIRING:

Dear Record Readers, This is the only mailbag whose stated recipient is also its true recipient. Savor this moment in history.

You’re Welcome, Record Mailbag Writer

Dear Record Mailbag Writer,

Shut up and bring back the mailbags which culminate in overtly sexual advances between two unlikely yet well known public figures.

Regards, Record Readers

LIFE HACK: I MAKE MY WIFE GIVE ME THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER EVERY DAY TO BUILD UP AN IMMUNITY TO CHOKING

Dear Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, I would like to have sex with you.

Love, Deceased Academy Award Winner Willem Dafoe

Dear Deceased Academy Award Winner Willem Dafoe, Okay!

Love, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

FTW! YOU CAN’T SPELL “CHASTITY” WITHOUT ALMOST SPELLING “TITTY,” SO THAT’S SOMETHING

WHEN THIS SHORT DILF WON THE LOTTERY WITH HIS OWN SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, HE STARTED A NONPROFIT THAT SELLS SICK DOGS TO SICKER KIDS

Dear George Orwell, I work on a farm. How do I stop my farm animals from rising up against me?

Sincerely,

Tsar Nicholas II

LOCAL CUCK DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN ELDERLY FATHER NOT ACTUALLY FUCKING HIS WIFE

Dear Tsar Nicholas II, Nice try! You just want to prevent the February Revolution of 1918. I’m going to write a book on this, and show people what a fraud you are!

Sincerely,

George Orwell

TGIF! FRIDAY IS MY CHEAT DAY FOR MY “NO HEROIN” DIET

Dear Firefighters, I’m begging you to use words. Remember what we talked about? I don’t want to send an email home again.

Sincerely, Fire

Obituary Correction

The 2021 Editorial Board would like to apologize for an obituary which appeared in last year’s “Willem Dafoe Memorial Issue.” We reported that Willem Dafoe was dead. Dafoe was in fact alive at the time of that issue, but we are now confident that he’s dead for real.

FOR SALE:

One Pfizer dose, moderately used, sucked out of the arm of an indecisive patriot.

Dear Yale

Class of 2025,

Hi. Let me introduce myself: Name’s Steven Assenheimer, but I mostly go by Single Testicle Steve nowadays. If there is one thing I can tell you, and this applies to all of you out there: when you’ve been telling the cute girl from your Spanish class all about the fact that you’re, how should I say this, hurting for a brother for your kin down there, do NOT send her visual proof of said condition when she requests, or the whole school will henceforth call you by a hurtful nickname until you graduate. Other than that, go wild and have the time of your lives—I certainly had mine!

Best, Single Testicle Steve

LOCAL

Dear Single Testicle Steve,

Thank you so much for your message. Unfortunately, no one admitted to our class has any genitalia, so it is not relevant to us.

WANTED

Six brave and brawny first-years to battle in the illegal froshfighting ring that the YDN operates under their headquarters at 202 York Street. Payment upon survival.

Did You Know?

Around 30% of graduating Yale students go into consulting or nance, regardless of major. Not you though, right? Nah. You won’t.

I’LL VENMO YOU FOR THE RUG, SAYS LIAR

CUCK DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN NOT ALL MEN ARE COMFORTABLE BEING FRIENDS WITH A CUCK. SORRY BRO!

Best, Yale Class of 2025

Hey there! You’re a first-year, aren’t you? If you are, you’re in luck. This is the First-Year Issue of the Yale Record, the oldest humor publication in the world, and it belongs to you alone. You can fold it into a thousand paper cranes to help your ailing mother. You can use it to mop a vodka spill off the dashboard of your Ram 1500 TRX as you careen down the highway. Or, if you like, you can rub your eyes against the pages and read them for all they’re worth.

I’m Joe. I’d like to meet you. I’d like to shake your hand. I’d like to show you the scar on my hand where my dog bit me, and say “he’s a real sweetie once you get to know him,” except how could that be true because I’ve known him all his life. I’d like to welcome you, finally, to this beautiful campus that we call home. A new story is beginning at this very moment. Listen closely, dear Reader, for it is a story about you.

By picking up this magazine, you have set in motion a chain of events that will send you to soaring highs and unfathomable lows. The “butterfly effect” dictates that even a small action can have a sweeping impact. If a butterfly flaps its wings, a tornado forms on the other side of the globe. If you give a mouse a cookie, a successful kids’ book franchise makes HarperCollins millions. And if you pick up a magazine coated in cheap gloss from an irradiated pulp mill near the Church Rock Uranium Spill in New Mexico, you get a reddish-purple rash on your hands that will itch and burn for hours. Cause meets effect, action meets reaction.

After you put down this magazine, you’ll run to Yale Health and demand treatment for your swollen hands, but all they’ll give you is a bottle of antihistamines and an unsolicited HPV check. You’ll go back to your suite, dejected, and start popping benadryl like Tic-Tacs. The side-effect sleepiness will smooth the edges of your jagged world, and by the time your rash clears you’ll be hopelessly reliant on over-the-counter allergy medicine just to make it through the day. Your first month of college will be pretty hazy, but you won’t sneeze once.

By September, you’ll decide enough is enough—you can’t tell which days are real and which are dreams, and your nostrils are dry as a bone. To distract from the habit, you’ll immerse yourself in the many clubs and groups that Yale has to offer. You’ll join the Yale Daily News, and write cutting-edge experimental fiction for a gullible

public. You’ll start a youth consulting firm that helps Whole Foods market Amazon Basics wax pens to pre-teens. You’ll find your way into Skull and Bones, and massage Steve Mnuchin to completion on the skull of a dead civil rights leader.

With each group you join, you’ll grow bolder, and soon you’ll be the talk of campus. You’ll get some poindexter to rig a camera onto an RC car that you can drive into a locker room to watch the Chess Club shower. You’ll kidnap Handsome Dan and heroically glue his genitals back on. You’ll have the time of your life cloistered in the limp embrace of academia, as a new generation of world-ending ghouls marches grinning out of the bathroom stall next to yours. It will be everything you ever wanted and more.

Your exploits will attract the attention of a higher power, and at the end of November you will give birth to a beautiful baby boy. “How could this be,” you’ll ask. “This is a medical impossibility,” you’ll shout. Then a great light will shine from the heavens. The angel Gabriel will descend from on high, and whisper seductively in your ear: “Your son is the Light of the World, the King of Kings, God made flesh and Man made divine.” You’ll look into your child’s eyes and know, as if by magic, who he is. You will name him Acapulco, after your favorite Mexican beach town.

Acapulco will teach you many things. “If your ass is slapped,” he will say, “turn the other cheek” and “If you need to destroy someone, do it with a smile and a passionate yet platonic kiss, like some cultures do with their grandfathers.” He is only two weeks old, but he is already so very wise. Scripture tells us that this boy is our king, but you will love him as a son. One month after his birth, noble Acapulco will press his tiny hand into yours. “I have to go away for a while,” he’ll say. Your tears will not sway him. He will crawl out your front door and stand

Sam Leone ’23 Chair

Zosia Caes ’22 Old Owl

Bea Portela ’22 Old Owl

Ronak Gandi ’22

Ryan Fuentes ’22

Alex Kane ’22

Sam Karp ’22

Kyle Mazer ’22

Jocelyn Wexler ’22

Annie Lin ’25 Art Director

Will Cramer ’22 Old Owl

Ellen Qian ’23 Old Owl

Juan Diego Casallas ’23

Raffael Davila ’23

Lucy del Alamo ’23

Shirshak Gautam ’23

Dory Johnson ’23

Leo Egger ’23

Joe Wickline ’23 Editor in Chief

Erik Boesen ’24 Webmaster

Ethan Fogarty ’22 Old Owl

Harry Rubin ’22 Old Owl

upright for the first time. Then, with the fanfare of a thousand trumpets, your darling boy will ascend into heaven, never to be seen again.

This all may seem unlikely, but stranger things have happened. George Washington crossed the Delaware and against all odds defeated a group of sleeping Germans. My dog bit an old woman on the leg, even though he’s a real sweetie once you get to know him. Without Acapulco, your life will become erratic and unpredictable, like a Ram 1500 TRX careening down the highway. You’ll fall prey to your demons and buy a childproof bottle of the good stuff from the CVS on Church Street.

Your Skull and Bones buddies will worry—in your current condition, you’re not State Department material. One night they’ll march you, stumbling, to the top of Harkness Tower. “You coulda been great, kiddo,” a famous alum will say in a familiar drawl, “But the end of your journey is over.” Then, you’ll feel a gentle push. Your first year will end there: with a spring and a fall, then a long, dark winter.

It’s a grim story, reader, but it’s just that: a story. Every cause has its effect, but if you choose your causes wisely then the effects are up to you. Instead of chugging benadryl, buy drowsy-free claritin. Instead of siring the Lamb of God, play IM badminton. Instead of joining a dying secret society with no fun little prizes, come to our first meeting on Monday at 9:00 p.m. in the SSS courtyard, where there are lots of fun little prizes.

Forge a new path. Build a better destiny. And if you see a butterfly, make sure to swat it. You might just save a life.

—J. Wickline Editor in Chief

Addison Beer ’23 Staff Director

Zuri Goodman ’22 Old Owl

Marcy Sanchez ’22 Old Owl

Zoe Larkin ’23

Charlotte Leakey ’23

Jacob Kaufman-Shalett ’23

Andrew Kornfeld ’23

Jason Salvant ’23

Lucy Santiago ’23

Katia Vanlandingham ’23

Diana Kulmizev ’23 Online Editor in Chief

Aarjav Joshi ’24 Business Manager

David Hou ’22 Old Owl

Maya Sanghvi ’22 Old Owl

Helen Tejada ’23

Amrita Vetticaden ’23

Elijah Boles ’24

Malia Kuo ’24

Alexia Buchholz ’24

Evan Cheng ’24

Finn Gibson ’24

Ayla Jeddy ’23 Publisher

Jacob Eldred ’24 Merch Manager

Avery Mitchell ’23 Old Owl Raja Moreno ’22 Old Owl

Alex Taranto ’23 Old Owl Kaylee Walsh ’22 Old Owl

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24

Aarjav Joshi ’24

Alice Mao ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Will Gonzalez ’24

Cam Greene ’24

Chanwook Park ’24

David Peng ’24

Michael Steinthal ’24

Sarah Teng ’24

Miguel Von Fedak ’24

Lisbette Acosta ’24

Special thanks to: the Class of 2025, for making the Class of 2024 look like the Class of 2023.

Front Cover: Alice Mao ’24 (@alicemaoart), who comes down our chimney one magical night each year to illustrate our front cover.

Back Cover: Annie Lin ’25 (@anniemeter), a real actual first-year who we snared in a pit trap and made our Art Director.

Staff:

Jonas Kilga ’23 Online Managing Editor

Avery Brown ’23 Online Managing Editor

Clio Rose ’23 Managing Editor

Joe Gustaferro ’24 Managing Editor

Joanna Wypasek ’24 Managing Editor

Adriana Golden ’24 Copy Editor

Arnav Tawakley ’24 Copy Editor

HOW TO PRACTICE THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON YOUR SUITEMATE WITHOUT WEIRDING THEM OUT

Choking is responsible for 100% of some deaths in the U.S. every year. When it’s someone you know with a tater tot lodged in their gullet, you don’t want to be standing idly by. Understandably, you think your roommate would be a great source of practice for the Heimlich maneuver. Needless to say, it’s hard not to be weird about it. But if you follow these tips, you can become a first aid expert, and be discreet while you’re doing it:

Don’t be deterred — Remember: choking is very embarrassing. Your roommate will probably tell you they are not choking, but they’re just too humiliated to admit that they really are. Go ahead and start thrusting them anyway. They’ll thank you later. Be proactive — Don’t wait for the choking to come to you, make your own opportunities! Go ahead and add Elmer’s glue to the dining hall breadcrumbs. It’ll add that extra traction on those chicken tenders going down your roommate’s throat. And who will be there to save the day? You, ready as ever, with your hands already around their waist, your fist placed firmly over their belly button, and your hot breath tingling the back of their neck. After you save their life, they might just fall in love with you.

Use tough love — People throw their kids in the pool so they don’t drown. Why? Out of tough love. For the same reason, go ahead and shove whole fruits down your roommate’s throat. It will hurt you more than

it’s going to hurt them. Remember TANG — Think Apples, Not Grapes. They’ll understand when they’re older, and you can’t get older if you’re dead. Prepare for the worst — Sure, the textbooks will teach you what to do if your roommate is in a nice restaurant with a chair to conveniently lean over. But reality can be messy, and you want to be prepared for anything. Start a long-term, committed relationship with your roommate. Once you’ve achieved a sufficient emotional connection to become intimate with oneanother, go ahead and tie them to the bed. When they’re all gagged up and losing precious oxygen, that’s what they call the “Golden Hour” for the Heimlich, so work your magic.

Have a bystander call 911 — That way, there’s an ambulance if your roommate chokes. You probably shouldn’t be trusted to handle this yourself.

—S. Leone

IMPROV GROUPS, STOP LYING

By J. Kilga

Comedy is already a dangerous game. The whole point is to surprise you, knock you off your feet. Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again!? No. Also, fuck you. I was prepared for the banana. Had the banana attacked me, I would’ve prevailed. Orange you doesn’t even make sense, and you cannot defend yourself against something that doesn’t make sense.

But I can live with this kind of comedy. Satire, stand-up, whatever it is the Blue Man Group does—these are harmless. Set up, punchline, repeat. You don’t know what will hit you and when, but at least you know that something will. I know to practice concealed carry in these situations.

Improv, however… now that’s a whole different thorn up my ass. Improv is just lying, and lying will always get you into trouble. I went to a show the other day, and the group, I think they were called the Yes Andersons, asked for a setting. I said Guantanamo. They didn’t hear me, so I said it again, louder. They still didn’t hear me. Someone else said IKEA, so they went with that instead.

Oh, I’m stuck in this IKEA. And I’m a couch that can speak. And I’m a kid that’s run away from his parents. And I’m the CEO of IKEA. No. No no no. NO! YOU ARE NOT STUCK IN THIS IKEA. YOU ARE NOT A COUCH. YOU ARE NOT A KID. YOU ARE NOT JESPER BRODIN, CEO OF INGKA HOLDING, OWNER OF 367 OUT OF 422 IKEA STORES WORLDWIDE. You are just a bunch of college students with anxiety disorders performing in an empty college bar in the middle of Connecticut. Fuck you for lying to me. You are scum, filthy, gross, dishonest scum. When the day of reckoning comes, I hope Noah puts you on the bad boat along with all the criminals, manipulators, and zookeepers.

That British kid on YouTube that raps really fast, though—now THAT is the kind of comedy I enjoy.

FIVE PEOPLE FROM THE 2025 FACEBOOK GROUP YOU’LL NEVER MEET BECAUSE THEY WENT TO PRINCETON

Connor — This one was our loss! According to his bio, Connor loves rewatching The Office , listening to Hippocampus, and spending time with his friends. Not only does he like to “go out and have a great time,” he also likes to watch Netflix! He plans to major in Econ but is strongly considering History. With interests as quirky as these, there’s no one quite like Connor. Sorry, lady Bulldogs––this man’s a Tiger!

Jake — We could’ve seen this one coming. Jake got cancelled in the Yale 2025 GroupMe for victim blaming when he claimed that “being in Timothy Dwight is a choice.” After Yalies’ righteous outcry over his problematic statement, Jake matriculated into the former “College of New Jersey” to save face. If you are in Timothy Dwight and would like to speak to a professional from Yale Mental Health and Counseling about being so fucking far away from the rest of campus, on-call counselors are available at all times at (203) 432-0290.

Luanne — Luanne wants to go to college in a state with a licensed Real Housewives franchise. (Despite a promising pilot in which a Greenwich Academy mom threw a champagne flute off a yacht and lacerated a nearby jet skier, The Real Housewives of Greenwich , Connecticut was never picked up for a full season.) While at Princeton, Luanne plans on getting involved with drama and boys on the crew team. Say hi to Teresa Giudice for us, girlie!

Grace — Frequent Flyer Alert! Grace loves the new terminal at the Newark Airport, known to those in the industry as the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport. As Grace explained in her Princeton commitment post, Princeton is a 50 minute drive from the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport, whereas Yale is a 1 hour and 57 minute drive from the New York/Newark Liberty International Airport. Though we’re sorry to see her go, it’s definitely a no-brainer. Theo — Princeton offered Theo a more comprehensive and supportive financial aid package than Yale did, and Princeton’s major programs closely align with his interests. We’re still unsure why he’s going there! Come on, Theo. Most people have legitimate and deeply personal reasons for committing to a certain college. Sounds like you flipped a coin.

THE MYTH OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME

At this point in your college experience, you may have heard the “duck metaphor,” which argues that despite appearances everyone is struggling to stay afloat. This is regularly deployed to reassure first years—to assuage their “imposter syndrome” and assure them that their struggles are universal. However, this is entirely false. A recent study by the Cognitive Science department has shown that the class of 2025 genuinely is the stupidest and least talented group to ever matriculate at Yale College.

The upperclassmen don’t just seem like they are put together and on top of it all—they really are. Historically, no other class has struggled to balance their academic workload and extracurriculars. The performing arts were for all that liked to perform, and community service for all that wished to give back. Extracurricular exclusivity was introduced to the college for the 2021-2022 school year as a way to manage the influx of sub-par applicants. The consensus of club leaders and recruiters on campus is simply that the class of 2025 works twice as hard to get less than half the result of their more qualified peers.

Similarly the captains of Yale’s varsity sports teams are horrified by the effort demonstrated by their walk-ons and recruits. “They get all sweaty during workouts,” reports the captain of the football team, “it’s disgusting.”

This is not the first time vastly unqualified students have been accepted in Yale’s history; until 2021, one imbecilic student was accepted each year as a joke, for a ceremonial position called “The Dancing Fool.” The Fool would study obliviously for the entire first semester, and then be unveiled to the world each year at Spring Fling, before a prompt and summary expulsion. This year, however, virtually every incoming first year meets the Fool’s Threshold, so the yearly tradition has been put on hold.

The “2025 initiative” or “freshmonster fiasco” was a controversial suggestion by Peter Salovey during the 2020-2021 admissions cycle. He believed that there was insufficient room for improvement among the older grades, and presented a solution. His ideal research institution not only performs experiments but acts as one in itself. By admitting the class of 2025, the Yale College administration seeks to test the patience and character of their tenured professors and upperclassmen, forcing them to pick up the slack for their classmates and in doing so confront failure head-on for the first time. Historically, no student has comprehensively “failed” at anything, but all that is about to change.

Admissions officers say, “The class of 2025 gives high school seniors hope—in their eyes, Yale seems suddenly more achievable.” (In past years, the school’s unattainable reputation has limited the application pool). Next year,

Yale’s admission standards are projected to return to normal. However, the class of 2025 will continue to meander in stupefied clusters on Old Campus as a nice ego-booster to all they meet.

Class of 2025, we thank you for your sacrifice. If only you could understand what it means.

—C. Rose

WHY WON’T ANYONE PEER PRESSURE ME INTO DOING COKE?

High school drug awareness programs are scams that share falsified information with vulnerable teenagers. I came into college believing that everyone did hard drugs at parties. I came into college believing that everyone would force me to try said drugs, and frankly I couldn’t wait. However, with great disappointment, I have finished my first week of college and not one person has even tried to get me to snort coke.

“Say no,” they said. “You will get pressured into trying things you may be uncomfortable with,” they said. Well, to my surprise, I have never been asked to snort a quick line of Colombia’s finest. At all three parties I have attended no one came up to me, called me a pussy, and demanded I sniff that beautiful white powder up my nose.

I was at a loss after the first party: am I not cool enough to look like someone who would want to try coke? I decided to call up a couple friends from home to figure out how to better present myself as someone interested in snorting a fine line. One of them suggested that I wear a shirt with snowflakes to show other partiers what I was there for. But instead of booger sugar, all I got thrown my way were a couple of weird glances. Another friend suggested I write a letter to the party host asking them to be harsher when enforcing peer pressure. I went one step further, with a campus-wide poster campaign encouraging coke-bullying at parties. I haven’t heard back yet, so hopefully that will do the trick.

They don’t teach you this in D.A.R.E.. They shield you from the harsh reality that you probably won’t be offered any demon’s dandruff no matter how hard you try. Maybe if these programs had actually taught me how to be cool enough to get peer pressured, I wouldn’t have this problem now.

So here I am, alone in my dorm room, snorting lines of sawdust just to get my anxious sinuses through the week. On a side note, if anyone knows of any parties where they force you to do a line longer than my forearm, email me at iwanttotrycokeunderthescrutinyofthefratpresident@hotmail. com. God bless you all, and God bless America.

The Record Remembers The

Yale University Class of 2025 is the 321st class of first-years to walk these halls. Not long ago, we would have called them “freshmen.” A short time before that, we would just have called them “men,” because that’s what they all were. And before that, it would have been “Father,” because every student was a practicing vicar who owned fifty acres of arable land.

Progress didn’t come easily. Yale’s history is as checkered as they come; while many of the horrific excesses of American empire can be traced directly back to our classrooms, Yale makes up for it with such Tinseltown icons as Paul Giamatti (Billions) and George W. Bush (Rush Hour 2).

That is why we at the Record are taking a look back—at our highest highs, our lowest lows, and everything in between. Only through intentional engagement with our past can we rise above it, and only through an intensely visual medium will our dimwitted readers understand it. This is history, more present than ever before. This is The Record Remembers.

1899 A newly arrived freshman converses with Yale’s tallest professor.

1909 A Yale sophomore coolly looks off into the distance, nothing interesting going on here, just naturally balancing on this beam as a normal person would do.

1912 Yale’s prodigious Irish population honors their pagan god in the New Haven Green.

1919 Student favorite Professor Richland Aberford demonstrates some of the “Race Music” he learned on an research trip to Bridgeport.

1922 With little else to do during Prohibition, students would gather nightly in droves to jeer at the dim-witted egg salesmen who roamed Cross Campus.

1924 11-year-old Gerald Ford denies accusations of steroid abuse: “I’m just a big little boy.”

1928 Yale Football team celebrates big win.

1925 Yale’s tallest professor is brought to lie in state at Woolsey Hall.

1933. Students compete in intramural rowing semifinals, one year before child labor laws banned the use of malnourished street urchins as coxswains.

1929 Yale cheerleaders watch despondently as Yale quarterback Chip Drummond accidentally impales himself on a particularly sharp football.

1945 A historical print of Handsome Dan X: the greatgrandfather, great-great-grandfather, great-uncle, and second cousin twice removed of Handsome Dan XIX.

1942 The Fancy Lad Club marches off to war.

1946 Yale converts the world’s largest cock-fighting ring into an ice rink after public outcry.

1947 During Yale’s quota days, the sole Jewish member of the class of ‘47 is forced to hold the “Jew Balloon.”

1944 The Yale Record writes a dick joke.

1955 A class of ROTC cadets takes mandatory sexual education after the disastrous “Randy Summer” of 1954.

A young Barack Obama.

1966 Women celebrate Yale’s commitment to free menstrual products for the eeny-weeny.

1958 Gerald Waites ‘60 invites nine Qpac girls into his suite. Unfortunately one of them has brought her 2 year old son, hampering Gerald’s debaucherous dreams.

1968 Yale’s balloon men have a hard time keeping up with the increasing number of Jewish students in the 1960s.

1959 A graduating senior takes his ceremonial Last Shit in the Branford courtyard.

1970 Yale student finishes paperwork to dodge draft.

2021 Yale President Peter Salovey chastises the newly-arrived Class of 2025 for failing to comment on his cool new hat. —Staff

PHONE NUMBERS THAT YOUR FROCO WANTS YOU TO MEMORIZE

Peer tutoring

Peer counseling

Rear counseling (don’t ask)

Peer legal counseling

Walden counseling (confidential hotline for transcendentalists)

Professional mental health counseling (24-hour voicemail of Laurie Santos’s podcast)

1-877-Kars 4 Kids

Your congressman (we need to STOP the Dakota Access Pipeline)

The fun FroCo who’s actually okay with talking to you

Your FroCo

HOW TO MAKE HUMAN FRIENDS

Extend your upper right most extremity in the direction of the nearest human.

Clearly state your unique identifier and ask the human to state theirs.

Do not listen as they identify themselves and refer to them only as ‘you.’

Ask them to state their place of origin. At this stage, do not appraise their thymus gland for salt content.

Pretend you have some passing familiarity with their place of origin and comment your approval on their choice of living locale.

Attempt to find common interests. Humans are rarely able to recall their interests when asked, so it is important that you remind them of the types of activities and subjects they can enjoy (a complete list of common human interests is included at the back of this book).

Should the human not positively react to the potential commonalities you have highlighted, ask them what nutrient sources they find most appealing.

Offer to consume nutrients in conjunction with them. Do not offer to appraise their thymus gland for salt content.

As you both partake in the ingestion of food, ask the human increasingly personal questions until they express a lack of desire to continue.

Promenade with one another as this helps humans digest food.

After sufficient distance has been covered, enthusiastically express your interest in repeating this experience. If the human appears amenable, politely ask if you may appraise their thymus gland for salt content.

In approximately one year, repeat the interaction, then never speak to the human again.

—A. Jeddy

OPINION: GET AN INTERNSHIP OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES

By J. Wypasek

I had a friend named Darla, once. Darla was a smart girl; she finished her first-year with a 4.0 GPA and a column in the YDN. But, during the summer, she decided to go back home and help her parents with their boutique scented candle business. The next fall, Darla was tragically killed when a grand piano fell on her head from three stories up.

I had another friend named Jamie. Jamie was only an okay student. Unlike Darla, she decided that, during the summer, she would take up an internship with Morgan Stanley. The next fall, Jamie found seven thousand-dollar bills on the ground in quick succession and used them to buy a lifetime supply of paper bags. Did you catch the difference between Darla and Jamie? It might not be immediately clear, but Jamie took a summer internship. Darla did not. It doesn’t matter if you suck up to all your professors or get A’s in all your classes. What really counts is developing those real-world skills at a hedge fund in New York. Who cares about economic theory? Nerds, that’s who. As long as you look like you know what is being discussed, you will succeed.

Pay no attention to the suckers slaving over textbooks. While they’re wasting their time taking notes in class, you should be perfecting those application responses and resumes. No need to worry about failing your classes! Just tell your professor that you had an internship over the summer and that school isn’t really relevant to you anymore. They will understand that the craft of thriving in an office setting is much more important to master than any course material, and will automatically give you an A for the semester so as to not bother you with silly homework and exams.

Sadly, some fail to heed this advice. It is always disheartening to see misguided students go back home for the summer and do nothing of great importance. How are they ever going to build those real-world skills? What are they going to brag about when they get back on campus? Who will backhand slap them across the face for adding three Stevias to a latte instead of two? Their professors will pity them. Their classmates will despise them. And for what? A bit of quality time at home with loved ones after being away for a couple months?

Remember kids: family and friends are temporary. Your internship is forever.

THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN MY FIRST YEAR AT YALE

Meet new people — You’ve left your hometown suburb, and for the first time, you’re surrounded by all new people! Try not to limit yourself to one social circle. Get to know people from the Dramat and engineering geeks all the same, or perhaps that rag-tag band of misfits that stand on the corner, tossing stones in the air and chewing bubble gum. They may not have money, but they do have heart.

Explore New Haven — Yale’s campus is beautiful, but New Haven is so much more. New Haven also has pizza. Frank Pepe’s pizza, Sally’s pizza, Brick Oven Pizza, you name it! Just don’t go to Fazione’s on Wednesday at 6pm. They’re closed.

School is more than just class — Don’t spend all your nights in Bass! Live a little. If a smooth-talking paisan comes your way, shouts “Hey Shakespeare, iambic-pentameter this!” and smacks your anthology to the ground, you probably had it coming. You know, he could probably teach you a thing or two.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help — It’s cliché but true! If you’re struggling in a class, go to office hours. They’re there for a reason! And if you’re really struggling, woo

them with a slice of pizza from Fazione’s.

Discover new passions — It can be anything! But it can also be doo-wop.

Develop note-taking strategies — You don’t have to write everything down, just the most important stuff, like the password to your professor’s Google account, and the specific Drive folder where they keep the midterm answers. Most importantly, don’t be a little bitch when Jackie wants to copy your notes.

Stay healthy — Lay off the junk food, exercise frequently, and most of all, get eight hours of sleep, seriously. You’ll get more work done thinking clearly when you refrain from pulling those all-nighters. Your mental health is more closely tied to your physical health than you might think.

Learn to snap

—S. Leone

performers wanted! no experience necessary. seriously, no experience necessary. you don’t even need to know how to read! (although if you don’t, you won’t be reading this.)

email cucumber@yalerecord.com

TEN THINGS TO BASE YOUR PERSONALITY ON OTHER THAN YOUR ACT SCORE

A Center-Left Political Ideology — There are plenty of center-left students on campus, but I’m sure you’ll stand out for your totally unique perspective on net neutrality!

The Valid Concern that they Never Caught the Underminer in Incredibles II — I mean sure, the Incredibles stop his weird power drill, but they never get the bad guy in jail. What if he’s lurking somewhere in New Haven, like underneath our steam tunnels or in that 8 a.m. section?

D.S. — You’re in D.S.? Tell us more. The “D.S. Personality” is actually a long con, because if you choose it I will beat you with a bottle of Cholula Hot Sauce, the nice EMTs will take you to the hospital, and everyone will pity you, thus eradicating the need for a personality.

Quentin Tarantino Movies — I bet every time you see a Tarantino film, you bring insider knowledge to the screen by telling your friends that Quentin actually does a cameo in each of his movies. What a cool fact. Wellness — There’s no one more cherished than a friend who preaches “self-love.” Got a D on the midterm? Self-love. Screamed at mom for “not understanding me” when she ordered chicken dumplings instead of pork? Self-love. Dumped by Rachel, even though you were on a break? Self-love.

The Fall of Rome — Are you looking for 55 supple classics enthusiasts to join your 56-man Macedonian Phalanx? Then build up an immunity to poison like Mithridates, watch Gladiator a million times, and weep because Diocletian didn’t have the self-esteem to rule two empires.

Your High School Ex — Hey, it worked in high school. Croutons — There’s nothing people love more than a good crouton. Feel free to connect on that.

That Time You Traveled and It Changed You, Like, Forever — I bet you met a cute local who showed you the limitations of your “American” way. I bet you resisted the urge to pet the German Shepherds at Customs & Border Paw-trol.

The Yale Record — Join the Yale Record! Become a staff writer! Write excruciatingly bad listicles and send them to J. Wickline.

—A. Buchholz

CONVERSATION STARTERS IF YOUR ROOMMATE WASN’T A VALEDICTORIAN

Where are you from?

What do you do with your free time? (You’re obviously not studying.)

Can I write my graduate school essays about how inspiring it was to live with you and your academic struggles?

What’s your favorite shape?

Was it for your 16th or 17th birthday that your parents got that one building named after you?

Was it for your 16th or 17th birthday that your parents showed you real parental love?

What is it like to feel real parental love?

What is it like to know that your family supports you in all that you do, and enables you to succeed in ways far beyond petty academic awards?

What is love?

What was it like to enjoy high school and not have to remember all those days spent in despair and dread over meaningless classes and extracurricular activities that meant nothing to you but everything to your parents?

Did I waste my golden years? Did any of that matter?

Am I a slave to an unattainable academic standard that has no real value to me or anyone I love? Do I, in any real way… exist?

Are you a cat or dog guy?

BIOL 040: Biology, the World, and Your Mom

Professor Joseph Mahmuh

Sat 7-9:30

Biological concepts taught in context of current societal issues, such as emerging diseases, genetically modified organisms, green energy, and some of the most massive mammals in existence. We will discuss questions such as how the weight of the earth is able to support your mom’s gigantic jugs, how genetic diversity made your mom so ugly, and the jealousy of particular solar bodies when your mom puts on a yellow dress.

Blue Book

AMST 110: Prozac, Ethnic Cleansing, and the Quesalupa

CHEM 230: Introduction To Gaslighting

Professor Faye Knews

MWF 9:25-10:15

This course will cover the hypothetical combustion of gaseous fuel sources, a phenomenon that does not occur in nature. Special attention will be paid to the fact that you made it up, that you sound crazy, that gas can’t catch fire it’s literally air, that only wood catches fire, and that Jesus Christ your mother was right about you.

GLBL 341 / JDST 241 / MGSS 341: Israeli Phallocentrism and the Erection of a Jewish State

Professor David Viagra

MW 2:30-3:45

Masculine dominance as a robust pillar of political power in Israel, still on the rise today. The widening and solidifying of Israel’s influence in the Middle East, as well as recent attempts to massage the long-growing pressures in the region. Handling the deep-rooted passions aroused by ongoing conflict. Prerequisites: MGSS 120 and MGSS 121.

Professor Richland Aberford

T 8:15-9:30, W 7:25-8:40, Th 1:25-2:40

This course explores the interactions between three intimately connected topics. Lectures will cover anxiety, depression, population depression, population reduction, weight reduction, weight expansion, queso expansion, the all new 2 for 2 Queso Supreme deal, the Lichtenstein “2 for 2” massacre of 1963, queso anxiety, queso cleansing, and American exports.

ENGL 450: Talking British

Professor The Hon. Lord Sir Alfie Dumpcester

MW 11:40-12:55

Wehw de idear o dis un is lahnin de lingyuij en de speficic voikal peh’erns o de groi’est coint’ree un ehrt, e’en dough me mam’s mout organs er fauilin roight quik. Chundah moi crahmpet en crick aut a strahmpet. ‘Spec er loit uh oral exominations en oil thaht bollocks, feckin sach and sachloik thaht, we says aloomineeum en bugga en wo’avyoo, propuh woi of speeking, roight popuh, eh? brexit.

LMFAO 101: Introduction to Party Rocking

MGSS 140: Opening Jars

Professor Elle Bogrís

TTh 12:00-1:15

Ok big shot, le y-loosey, righty-tighty, you think you know everything? Huh? What if the jar is upsidedown? In a mirror? How can you turn a lid counterclockwise if there aren’t any clocks in the room? Not such a smarty now, are ya?

Professor Redfoo

MW 11:35-12:50

Where is party rock tonight? What kind of time should everyone have? Is the uncle-nephew relationship sturdy enough to have a successful band? In this course, we will explore the intricacies of party rocking, through a close analysis of the pop duo LMFAO’s music. Students will also participate in daily shu ing exercises.

MGSS 120: The Conceptual Male Penis

Professor Christopher Evans

MW 5:15-5:18

This course will investigate the male penis in terms of the conceptual framework of a cylinder made of flesh. Using this basic model, MGSS 120 will explore how the penis becomes erect, how the penis reacts to various stimuli, and how the penis gets stuck into things. Additionally, the course will do a deep dive into the pendulum-like flopping around that the male penis is capable of. For the female penis, please refer to FGSS 520 and 521.

INTR 101: Introduction to Introductions

Professor Hugh Janus

TTh 9:15-9:25

An introduction to the cra of introducing an introduction, with an emphasis on introductory thinking. Lectures will cover the presentation of unfamiliar subject matter, information conveyance at the beginner level, and the ubiquitous “intro.” Class limited to seniors within the INTR major.

TAG 001: Playing Tag

Professor God

MTWThF 9:30-8:20

What does it mean to be “it?” And more importantly, what methods are most e ective in transferring “it”ness to others? This class will explore both the theoretical and applied aspects of Tag, America’s pastime. No prior experience is required, but students should be prepared for extensive and extremely rigorous practice of tag itself. Whoever is “it” at the conclusion of the semester will receive an F.

MGSS 121: The Applied Male Penis

Professor Leonard Kravitz

Th 12:00-2:00

Why does it look, feel, smell, and move like that? Why is there so much hair? Why can mine only stack 2 doughnuts when Todd’s can stack 3? Answers to these questions and more in this continuation of MGSS 120 with a practical lab component in the Payne Whitney Gymnasium men’s locker rooms.

LMFAO 102: How to Apologize for Party Rocking

Professor Sky Blu

Sun 8:50-11:25

Uh-oh! Did you party rock too hard? This course will examine how to recover from having too good of a time and losing your mind a little bit too much. Topics include cleaning up trash, overcoming a hangover, and rekindling lost love with your beloved uncle and/ or nephew.

• CHLD 620: Messy Play: Sandbox Time

• GHEV 599: Eliminating Price Tags And The Road To Success

• DAMN 101: Introduction to Swearing

• FUCK 101: Advanced Swearing

• IOWA 110: Theories and Applications of Iowa

• LING 140: Introduction to Uini

• NSFW 620: Messy Play A er Dark

• BOYZ 110: Just Chillin

• BOYZ 120: Straight Vibin

• BOYZ 130: Kissin

• PORN 130: Practical Ornithology and Filming

People Fucking

• WGSS: Six Pretty Good Women

• ENGL 451: Bi-annual Themes

• FILM 150: Movies

• EROR 404: Course Not Found

Bombshell Leak Reveals Yale Seeks To Foster An Eclectic And Collaborative Environment

BY JOE WICKLINE STAFF REPORTER

NEW HAVEN, CT—Yale University was rocked by scandal this week after leaked internal documents suggested that the prestigious university seeks to foster an eclectic and collaborative scholarly environment.

“If these allegations are true, they are deeply troubling,” said New Haven Chief of Police Ronnell A. Higgins. “I never dreamed that the Yale community could be as vibrant and inclusive as these documents suggest it’s always been.”

One document, retrieved and reconstructed from a botched shredding job, suggests that the richness of life at Yale extends “far beyond the classroom walls.” Another, obtained from a laptop delivered by Dean Marvin Chun to a repair shop in Milford, accuses Yale faculty of “always prioritizing the needs of undergraduates.” Perhaps

most troubling, a leaked video appears to capture Yale President Peter Salovey combining the resources of a large resource university with the intimacy of a small liberal arts college.

“These allegations are patently false,” said Salovey in a statement. “Life at Yale is confned to the classroom walls. The environment we foster is cold and unrewarding. This ‘scoop’ is a brazen hatchet job of the worst kind.”

These discoveries directly counter statistics ofered by Yale Admissions in the past. Though Yale’s website claims that only 45% of its student body identify as “lifelong learners,” new internal data suggests that the number is closer to 95%.

“Many Yale students are forming bonds that will extend through and beyond college, all totally under the radar,” said Harvard President Lawrence Bacow. “At Harvard, we encourage our students to form shallow, feet-

ing bonds. It’s disappointing, of course, to see Yale fall so low, but not totally unexpected from such a second-rate institution.”

Also indicted in the leak was the Residential College system. Long believed to just be housing groups, the residential colleges were presented in private Yale communications as “close-knit communities” and “microcosms of Yale’s diverse student population.”

“Yale likes to pretend they do housing just like any other university,” said a senior Yale ofcial wearing a high-collared coat and a lowbrimmed hat at the New Haven docks in a shadowy boxcar in the dead of night with a disguised voice. “Yeah, right. The RC system was explicitly designed to blend diversity, camaraderie, and scholastic cooperation. It’s a cover-up, plain and simple. And it goes all the way to the top of the food chain.”

Despite internal turmoil,

though, Yale Administration is not unduly worried about the weeks ahead.

“The media loves a good scandal, but they’ll move on after a few days,” said a

source close to Salovey. “As long as they don’t fnd out about our commitment to academic excellence, we should be in the clear.”

Guy From New York Doesn’t Know Other Guy From New York But Knows Someone From That Guy’s New York School

BY JOE GUSTAFERRO STAFF REPORTER

NEW HAVEN, CT — The News has recently learned that a Davenport frst-year from New York, James Mattson ‘25, does not know another Davenport frst-year from New York, Sam Miller ‘25, but does know someone from Miller’s New York school.

When Charlie Moore ‘25 met Miller in the Davenport

dining hall and learned that Miller was from New York, he immediately thought of his suitemate, Mattson, who is also from New York. Before Mattson could explain to Moore that not everyone in New York knows each other, unlike in whatever Missouri hamlet Moore hails from, the two New York frst-years were introduced.

“Oh, you went to Dalton?” said Miller, “I was at

Horace Mann.” Hearing that Miller went to Horace Mann, Mattson asked whether he knew Natalie Friedman, a current Boston University freshman whom Mattson had met at a Future Leaders in Business summer program in Prague. Miller replied, “Oh, yeah, of course.” Natalie was in his biology and calculus classes.

Despite having found a mutual acquaintance, Miller

and Mattson’s conversation began to fzzle out. “I mean, I know Natalie but not well,” Miller explained, “it seemed like James knows Natalie a lot better than I do.” Mattson confrmed this: “We hooked up a few times.”

The New Yorkers were quickly tasked with discovering something else they had in common, like taxis or the Mets or other New York things. Fortunately, they were

able to salvage their frst interaction by discussing Frank Ocean, whom they had both indicated was one of their favorite artists on the Facebook group back in April. The two hope to use Ocean as a reliable conversation topic in the future, lest they end up forced to talk about pizza.

The News reached out to Ms. Friedman, but she declined to comment.

Old Campus was cited in the leak as featuring “a magnifcent blend of old and new,” in clear violation of Yale’s stated values.

“I was born a Davenport man and I’ll die a Davenport man. I’ll have that tattooed on my grave, when I’m buried in the same coffn as my pop. You can quote me on that.”

Handsome Dan Attacked, Assailant Captured

BY BENJAMIN HOLLANDER- BODIE STAFF REPORTER

NEW HAVEN, CT—

Wednesday afternoon, beloved Yale community leader Daniel “Handsome Dan” XIX was the target of an assassination attempt during his morning escorted constitutional through Cross Campus.

The assassin in question, Timothy Dwight’s own Ned Allen Cabino ’22, was apprehended and taken into custody by the Yale Police Department, where he awaits sentencing.

According to available witnesses, Cabino leapt down upon the canine from a tree, brandishing a revolver. Luckily, Dan’s bodyguards successfully wrested the weapon from his grasp, but not before gunshots left two dead and

another hospitalized. Handsome Dan himself left the incident seemingly unfazed, yet reportedly itching for a belly rub.

Shortly after the arrest, a manifesto was automatically uploaded to Cabino’s blog, entitled “I Will Not Roll Over.” The ffty-eight page document sheds light on Cabino’s motives, describing his vision of a post-Handsome Dan XIX world: “My dream is to one day live in a world free of the tyranny and oppression of the Dannite Regime. There is nothing handsome about monarchy.”

Enhanced YPD interrogation techniques have linked Cabino to the Crimson Paw, a secret society best known for operating as the militant wing of the TD separatist movement. “These folks are bad news,” a YPD detective tasked

with monitoring the group told us. “There’s nothing more dangerous than someone willing to sacrifce their life for a cause.”

Despite these discoveries, Yale administration has opted not to expand Dan XIX’s security detail, in a ploy some say is intended to hurry the arrival of the much-moremarketable Handsome Dan XX.

“Dan knew the risks of this job when he signed up,” said Yale Human President Peter Salovey. “We can’t let our principles be twisted, nor even budged, by fear. These people are terrorists, not vacuums. Besides, XX sells more T-shirts than XIX. That’s just math.”

This lenience has drawn the ire of many, including Dan XIX’s predecessor. A statement from the ofce of

retired mascot Dan XVIII condemned the decision as cowardly: “If this happened under our watch, there would be no mercy. We would declare war on Harvard by sunset, entangling selective private universities nationwide in a complex web of alliances resulting in mass destruction and death. Woof.”

Still, the assassination attempt has had its benefts for Yale’s most notorious bulldog. In a shotgun poll conducted in the following days, Dan XIX became the frst Dan in history to break a 54% approval rating, with nearly six out of ten respondents classifying him as a “good” or “very good” boy.

Professors Experience Diffculty Adjusting to In-Person Classes

BY JOE GUSTAFERRO STAFF REPORTER

NEW HAVEN, CT—

When Professor Jozef Koslov of the Yale Department of Economics returned to New Haven to teach in-person classes, he was feeling doubtful about the fall semester:

“Over Zoom, I could seamlessly unmute and mute myself. I was screensharing slides without showing students my recent Amazon purchases and Real Housewives tweets, all without the indignity of having to wear pants.”

But teaching in-person in front of students would cer-

tainly present many challenges. Today, he says: “It’s like I’m building the plane while fying it.”

During class on Wednesday, Professor Koslov was hoping to show a supply-anddemand diagram to the class, but without a screen share option this proved difcult.

“Even though the image was on my laptop, it couldn’t be seen by students,” Koslov explained, “I had to recreate the image on a ‘whiteboard’ with a physical marker in my hand.”

Reportedly the X axis was too slanted to be properly read, and when the marker

Cross Campus

UNCIVIL DISOBEDIENCE

Day 2 of Cross Campus protests against Yale President Peter Salovey for peeing in pools across New Haven. In a brazen renunciation of student activists, Salovey set up a kiddie pool outside Harkness Hall and began urinating in it, to the dismay of dozens of protesters. Said Salovey: “It’s a question of civil liberty.” MORE ON PAGE 3

ran out of ink, students were unsuccessful in their attempts to help.

“We tried to explain to the professor that he could grab another marker in a different color that had enough ink, but of course, this is all hard to explain when we’re inperson,” Jocelyn Thompson ‘24 told The Record.

The following day, Koslov felt a sneeze coming, but there was no way to mute and prevent the class from hearing it. Thompson said: “It was loud and sounded really wet. It just sort of hung there.”

These issues are not unique to Koslov’s class. Pro-

A devastating fre at Sterling Library today, with YDN reporters frst on the scene, able to capture pictures mere seconds after the fre was set. The culprits are still at large, but police assured the News this afternoon that they looked nothing like us.

Pages 6-7

fessor Maria Valentini, who teaches L3 Italian, described her own issues with in-person instruction.

“Last year, I was dubbed the ‘Queen of Breakout Rooms.’ I could create randomized groups of students to discuss in separate virtual spaces, myself visiting the various rooms as I pleased with no warning.”

But now, the professor has no way of facilitating smaller group discussion. “What can I do?” Valentini wondered, “Without breakout rooms, there’s no way for students to talk amongst themselves.”

DINING

“Must Be The Milk” reports Dining Hall management after seeing Eli Whitney frst-years.

Page 4

In-person classes appear to raise many questions while providing few answers, and students are similarly unenthusiastic about the development.

“I’ve had to walk to class all week, which is not a fair expectation for students,” said Barbra Saez ’23. “Plus, I had to fnd my own way of not showing my face, which involved building a small curtain to hide behind, but this only brings more attention.”

Until the administration addresses these difculties, Professors Koslov and Valentini will hold all future classes over Zoom.

GOSSIP

A local cuck was disappointed to learn his wife loves him and would never philander with other men.

CULTURE Campus a capella groups handle double rush size by making auditioning frstyears sing twice as fast.

GEORGE W. BUSH PAINTER

Exclusive: Handsome Dan fees his attacker.

LONG DISTANCE WORKS, TRUST ME I’VE SEEN IT

Look, I’m no love expert. Like any normal guy, I’ve watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and attended my parents’s couples counseling—just rookie stuff. But man oh man, my roommate Darren Richardson has got the love thing down. Darren’s a real prince among men. This fella is head over heels in love with his girlfriend Sandra at Harvard. They met at a Model UN Conference their sophomore year of high school, and the rest is history.

I got the whole relationship breakdown from Darren on my first night, and, man, love is just so beautiful when you get it right. Their meet-cute was to die for! Sandra was dating someone else at the time, but her chemistry with Darren was so electric that nothing could stand in the way. Darren know’s she’s really not the type to cheat, but she just couldn’t help herself in this one situation because Darren’s so exceptional. Shit, half our froco group was drooling over him during orientation. But Darren, golden heart Mr. Fidelity himself, is cut from a higher cloth. Women throw themselves at him, and he just turns the other way. For god’s sake, the man bought a chastity belt from the Yale Bookstore to keep himself loyal during the temptation-fest of his Bass study sessions.

My whole suite loves hearing about Sandra, and Darren knows it. He FaceTimes her from the common room so we can hear what they talk about (how considerate is that?!) and texts our group chat every time they have an argument. His wall is plastered with photos of them together and he keeps a lock of her hair on his bedside table, alongside one of her wisdom teeth, and the gum she was chewing the first time they kissed. He told me that memories and loose teeth keep the magic alive. Every night he prays at the altar and talks to her photos, begging her to stay with him. He’s not nervous or anything—they’re rock solid—but he is just such a romantic it’s all he can think about.

I mean sure, Sandra was acting a little weird when she visited during orientation, but she was just excited. Plus Darren’s twin brother Albert at Tufts checks in on her all the time, and reports in full confidence that she only has eyes for Richardson men. You can see how close they’ve gotten from Sandra’s Instagram stories, so Albert would definitely know if there were any problems on her end. People always say long distance is doomed, but Darren shows me that if you’re super cool like him, maybe it can work out.

Ask Old Owl!

Dear Old Owl, My roommate Miranda* (18F) plays the drums until 3 a.m., regularly hot-boxes our bathroom, and has brought home a different person each night of orientation. I have tried to have a conversation about it, but she refuses to take her airpods out to talk to me. I don’t want to go to the Frocos, but if this continues I’m not afraid to bring it to their attention. How should I confront her about changing her habits?

Dear Owlet, Having open conversations is the first step to healthy cohabitation and you were right to employ that. However, it sounds like your roommate is way too cool for that, and it was ignorant and unrealistic to try to talk to her. The first step of succeeding in college is accepting your place and realizing that you might simply not be worth talking to. In fact, you sound like a whiny little narc for bringing the establishment into this matter when ultimately Miranda should be able to do whatever she wants. Honestly, the more I think about it the more it sounds like you’re the problem. Miranda sounds pretty chill and honestly kinda hot. Maybe you could tell her to email askoldowl@yalerecord.com and we could just grab dinner or I dunno go to a concert or something.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons; Miranda’s real name is Alicia.

Dear Old Owl, I’m a rising First Year designing my schedule for this semester and don’t know how I should go about it. I’m nervous that I will

Old Owl is the anthropomorphic mascot of the Yale Record, an alcoholic, nicotine-addicted nightbird that roams campus desperately scrounging for vestiges of the relevance he enjoyed in the magazine’s heyday. He now offers advice to you the students, free of charge. If you’d like to Ask Old Owl for advice about your weird life, email askoldowl@yalerecord.com.

pick the wrong classes and end up boxed out of advanced courses or scrambling to meet requirements. What should I do?

Dear Owlet, Yale College has actually put in a lot of work and to make their registration process easier on you. There are three fail-safe systems in place to eliminate the risk of choosing the wrong courses. The first and easiest way to approach your first semester is by taking a predetermined 5 course package such as Spanish 1, Spanish 2, Spanish 3, Spanish 4, and Spanish 5 (numbered for your convenience). This allows you to take a tried and tested course load that has proven successful for countless Yalies before you. The second path, for the STEM-inclined members of your class, is CHEM 995: worth 6.5 credits without lab. This course has a relaxed time commitment, no reading, and minimal problem sets throughout the semester. (Small caveat: if you fail to synthesize and patent a new periodic element, you will forfeit housing and be promptly expelled). Lastly, if neither option seems feasible, the Directed Studies program is available to first year students that feel unready to develop their own interests.

Dear Old Owl,

I really like to party, but the frats never let me (19M) in on prime nights. I’ve tried bringing some girls from my FroCo group or faking an invitation on my phone but it never works. They always tell me the party is at capacity and make me wait at least 45 minutes before letting me in, if I get in at all! How do I get into the cool parties?

Dear Owlet,

This is a very common problem amongst First Years, especially at the beginning of the year. While it’s unfortunate, many of the connections that would get you on the real invite list take time to form. However, we at the Record have developed a foolproof method of getting into parties we aren’t necessarily wanted at (which there aren’t many of, of course). After being turned away from the door, sneak around to the back of the house and hop the fence. Once you’ve reached the backyard, gather some loose kindling and whatever gasoline the brothers have lying around. Use these tools, in conjunction with your trusty flint and steel, to start a trash fire. By the time it’s up and going, the smoke smell will be pretty strong so people may start to evacuate. If not, feel free to toss some rubber in there for an extra kick. People should start scrambling for the door and out to the street, solving the crowd problem. Once the house is empty, they have no reasonable excuse not to let you in.

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

At this point in the semester, it’s easy to overthink things. You wonder “Is this where I belong?” “Can I keep this up for four years?” and “Did I choose Yale just for the prestige, even though I would have been happier at a regular school like Northwestern?” In your rush to succeed, you’ve forgotten something crucial: you belong here at Yale. In fact, you may not know it, but Yale would be a whole lot worse without you. Who am I, you ask? I’m just your friendly guardian angel, and I’m here to take you on a journey to teach you how important you are to the Yale community.

Here we are on Old Campus, move-in day 2021. It’s the same as you remember, except your parents are wandering around all by themselves. If you listen closely, you can hear Mom say, “I wish I had a child to drop off today,” and Dad responding, “Yeah, that would be a good use for the mini-fridge and Twin XL sheets that are in our car for no reason.” This is your first glimpse of Yale without you. It doesn’t seem too bad now, but just you wait.

Within a few days everything has gone to shit. Look! There’s your suitemate, walking home with a bag of tenders from LHO in hand. What’s LHO? Oh, they renamed Durfee’s “The Lee Harvey Oswald Sweet Shoppe.” Remember that kid who died on move-in day when your mini-fridge fell on his head? That never happened, and he went on to write a pointed letter to President

Salovey about how Oswald was innocent and Yale should work to bring honor back to his name.

And your other suitemates? They’re resting up for the best dance party in town, Moad’s. In this world, Toad’s decided to reverse their schedule, so every night except Wednesday is exclusively open to Yale students. How did this happen? Well, Toad’s had to remove Wednesday from their schedule so students could participate in Yale’s new mandatory book club, a weekly discussion of If I Did It by disgraced former Buffalo Bills running back O.J. Simpson. Without you there to start “The Juice Is Unloose,” Yale’s only club dedicated to keeping O.J. disgraced and promoting temperance, @TheRealOJ32’s effortless charm carried him all the way into the Yale University canon. With Woad’s in shambles, Toad’s retaliated and opened the floodgates.

See? You were Yale’s moral backbone, but now all you can do is watch in horror as students wake up hungover every night of the week, skip their morning lectures, and munch on LHO’s famous puppy tenders while flipping through the writings of America’s most lovable murderer. Now that you’ve seen this bleak hellscape and realized how special you are, it’s time to stop thinking about transferring and take Yale by storm. We need you now more than ever.

—K. Walsh

TEN SIGNS YOU’RE THE SECTION ASSHOLE

The professor says “Let’s get some new voices in the conversation” every time you raise your hand.

You get hard every time someone piggybacks off of your train of thought. You advocate for the devil.

The devil advocates for you.

Your pulse races and your craniofacial arteries bulge if you haven’t referenced an unassigned passage of Hegel, Heidegger, or Marx in the past 10 minutes.

You cry when you receive an A- so the regular people in your section ask if you’re okay, which is the perfect segue for you to seem approachable by modestly explaining that you just received your first A-.

You GroupMe DM someone after class to inform them that they mispronounced Wittgenstein: “lol I know it was a mistake, just wanted to let you know that the ‘ei’ is pronounced ‘i’ because the etymology of the name is actually German, lol ur totally good it just sounded weird and i only know because i’ve read a lot of his works.’”

You ask complicated questions that are simultaneously backhanded compliments in the last three minutes of section, extending the class time another 15 minutes. (“I love what Marie said, but I want to push back on it a little...”)

Nietzsche is your safeword.

You’ve never had a chance to use it.

—A. Golden HOW I MADE VIRTUAL BULLDOG DAYS FEEL LIKE THE REAL THING

Ate an Egg McMuffin at 6am and sat in a tiny chair for four hours to simulate flying out to good ol’ New Haven, CT.

Walked around my living room looking lost with a carry-on suitcase full of Yale merch and pastel-shorts because I know that Connecticut is balmy and sunny in April.

Wore flip-flops in the shower and got a foot infection anyway.

Forgot people’s names: “I want to say it starts with an M...?” “It’s Mom.”

Pretended to care about Model UN.

Threw-up in some bushes at 3am after drinking five Four Lokos for a combined total of twenty Lokos.

Pretended to care about Public Forum debate and whatever the hell the YPU is.

Showed up to Marvin Chun’s house hungover as hell to ask him if brains are actually all wrinkly and pink like he says they are.

Relayed my Public Forum debate record to everyone in sight, dog included.

Walked into traffic and got mowed down by a Toyota Corolla.

—A. Beer

HOW TO KILL A

MAILMAN

By H. Rubin

Much like any other human, a mailman is most easily killed with natural causes. If you thought otherwise, you would be wrong. The standard natural causes to use to kill a mailman are heart disease, obesity,1 and blunt force trauma. If none of these are available to you, the Yale Daily News recommends backing over him with his own mail truck.2 Be sure to support your local post office; they need it now more than ever!3

After you’ve killed your mailman, you must dispose of him. Be sure to find a buddy to help: mailmen can be heavy.4 Popular disposal methods for a deceased civil servant include burial, cremation, and rolling in a rug and dumping in a shallow body of water.5 The Yale Daily News recommends eating him.6 Even the bones.7 Be sure to support your local post office; they need it now more than ever!

If you are attempting to take out a life insurance policy on your mailman, please exercise discretion. Mail fraud is a serious offense.8 In the event that his brother-in-law also took out an insurance policy, you may be in for quite a court battle.9 If you would like to make sure your post office stays in operation, they sell stamps with furry animals on them. Very cute.10

1 It is unclear where the concept of the overweight mailman originated. The two most popular theories are that the shorts bring attention to fat legs and that mail is very high in carbohydrates.

2 “How To Kill A Mailman” originally appeared in the Yale Daily News on December 23rd, 2014, with the exception of these annotations.

3 The Yale Daily News once called mailmen “fattys,” which is something we would never do here at the Record.

4 It is unclear whether Newman, notable mailman of “Seinfeld” fame, is overweight. While he does appear to be a little on the chubby side, this could merely be because the actor playing him is fat and not the character of Newman himself.

5 Technically, the human body could be considered a “body of water,” as we are 70% water. This would be a good opportunity for the joke, “except for [famously overweight celebrity]: he or she is 70% fat!”

6 The Yale Daily News once ate a physics TA that wandered onto the wrong side of York street. They also called him a “fatty” in the obituary, which is something we would never do here at the Record.

7 This is a reference to Kentucky Fried Chicken’s failed 2013 “I ate the bones” ad campaign, in which after finishing their boneless chicken, patrons would stare worried into the camera and shriek, “I ate the bones.” This ad campaign notably failed after the tagline “my first bite of boneless was _____” invited countless unwanted sexual innuendos. Sharp eyed readers will note that Newman of “Seinfeld” was a big Kenny Rogers chicken eater, evidence often used to support fan theories alleging Newman is overweight.

8 South Florida rapper Rick Ross once claimed to have so many cars that the DMV reported him for mail fraud. The Yale Daily News called him a “fatty” and tried to eat him. Fortunately, he escaped (though not before they bit off an arm).

9 1992 NCAA East Regional Final. Duke 104, Kentucky 103 (OT). Christian Laettner game winner.

10 I know “very cute” is an inappropriate place for this note, considering he notoriously impregnated a 13-year-old, but Basketball Hall-of-Famer Karl Malone (“the Mailman”) is not an actual mailman. Incidentally, Malone’s paternity suit would be a great place for a “talk about a court battle!” joke.

THE RECORD QUIZ CORNER

WHICH CAMPUS LIBRARY SHOULD YOU HOOK UP IN?

1. Are you hooking up with any of the librarians?

A. Not right now, but I’ll leave my number in the comments.

B. I used to hold office hours for anyone in the library system who was interested. But I don’t do that kind of thing now, not since the accident.

C. Who isn’t?

2. Do you want to be seen during your literary escapade?

A. Anyone who doesn’t want to be seen has something to hide. And I don’t want anyone to see my weird purple back rash.

B. Not a chance. I plan on becoming the first female president!

C. Sure. I also plan on running for President someday, but I’m a dude so honestly it could even help.

3. If there’s a fire, how strongly would you feel about being able to breathe?

A. That’s like being choked, right?

B. Fires remind me of cooking, which reminds me of soup, which reminds me of my childhood, which reminds me of laser tag, which reminds me of fire, which reminds me of the accident. Hard pass.

C. I like oxygen.

4. Does Babylonian art turn you on?

A. Uh, does the goddess Ishtar bless the Euphrates with a bountiful harvest?

B. Gilgamesh is epic!

C. I’m more of an Ur fan myself.

5. Do you believe the Lord will judge you for lust?

A. Yes, and I’m incredibly ashamed.

B. Yes, and it just turns me on more.

C. No, this isn’t an ‘80s horror movie.

Mostly C’s: You might like hooking up in the Law Library. -Revolution ary action is your turn on, so why not stick it to the Man by screwing over the plush seat of Order? I’m sure you’ll come up with a nice legal reBUTTal. Get it? Butt? Look, I have a p-set due, so laugh and we can all go home.

6. Would having to reserve a conference room in advance deter you?

A. No! I love to plan ahead. I never leave home without a pocketknife, a personal organizer, and a photo of my love, DDL (Daniel Day-Lewis).

B. Yes, I love to procrastinate. I finish my p-sets 6 hours after the deadline and tell my TAs I live in Oahu.

C. If the library is crowded I will make rooms available (see #3).

7. How do you feel about the British?

A. Darn colonizers. We should boycott tea again, that really pissed them off last time.

B. The British are crooked-toothed, good-for-nothin, imperial pigs, except for Colin Firth and the lanky Londoner who dragged me through flames out of UltraZone laser tag to the ambulance after the accident.

C. British accents are pretty hot. When someone says to “chunder my crumpet and crick out a strumpet” my pants are already down.

8. What’s your opinion on lawyers?

A. I liked Legally Blonde?

B. I’ve hated lawyers ever since one got me convicted for arson, just after my accident that I REALLY don’t feel comfortable talking about. If that’s okay.

C. Our legal system has been under the jackboot of the thieving capitalist for too long. When the Marxist Revolution comes, so do I.

—A. Buchholz

WHICH ROOMMATE ARE YOU?

1. My friends would describe me as…

A. oh so silly!

B. the smarty pants

C. the sassy one ;)

2. Rain rain go away! On a rainy day, you’ll find me…

A. making arts and crafts

B. reading a book

C. going to the movies

3. Beach day! Which outfit will you be wearing?

A. sunnies and a white dress

B. a classy striped one piece

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B.xxxxDOxxNOTxxBExxALARMEDxxBYxHISxx“xxDEATHxx” xITxISxMERELYxILLUSIONxx

C. xxxxxTHISxxEARTHKINDxxPUBLICATIONxxSHALLxxTRANSMITxxOURxxMESSAGExxOFxxURGENCYxxINxxWARTIMExxxxx

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B. Kevin! I like mature guys ;)

C. Joe…that dreamy hair!

Mostly B’s: You should bring your beau to the Beinecke—as long as you know your life isn’t as valuable as the ancient manuscripts available in this tooth-colored tourist attraction. Not to mention, the advanced re prevention system and strict no-laser policy ensures that you don’t have to worry about reliving the worst night of your life.

Mostly A’s: You should try a romp in the Stacks. Frequent foot tra c and a niche Near Eastern art collection make the Sterling Stacks the place to be. And if the risk of being seen isn’t enough to turn you on, you can always think of the 20 New Haven homes bulldozed to make room for this steamy make out spot.

—L. Santiago

Mostly C’s: You’re the irty one, cutie!

Mostly B’s: You are the brainy one, girlfriend!

Mostly A’s: You’re the funny one, babe!