The 2011 Freshman Issue

Vol. 140, No. 1

TH E YALE

Sept. 5, 2011

RECORD The Freshman Issue

Writers, Artists, Designers, Business-Minded People

Jokes and Free Pizza!

EVERY MONDAY, 9PM 112202 20999 EVERY MONDAY, 9PM WLH EVERY MONDAY, 9 PMWLH WLH

1

T he Y ale R ecord

CC OO UU PP OO NN

WALL STREET PIZZA WALL STREET PIZZA SERVING GREAT PIZZA AND SANDWICHES

SERVING GREAT PIZZA AND SANDWICHES

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA, GET GETAAFREE FREETWO TWOLITER LITERSODA!!!

SODA!!!

CCC OOO UUU PPP OOO NNN

90 90WALL WALL STREET STREET •• (203) (203) 776-9021 776-9021

ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA!

Dear graduation, Holy crap, BACK THE FUCK UP. You are standing way too close.

—The Class of 2012

BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT STD WILL THE COOL KIDS BE CARRYING THIS YEAR? Dear E-Z Pass, Your large, squarish pill isn’t working.

Sincerely, A severely constipated man Dear yarmulke, Keep up the good work!

Dear pantyhose, What a pity. I imagined you to be a garden hose that spouted girls’ panties continuously. Sigh. I guess it’s back to stealing panties and blowing them out of a leafblower.

Sincerely, Dave Dear cleavage, Mind your own business—are you trying to ruin me?!

—A guy about to have the worst job interview of his life

AL-JAZEERA LAMBASTED FOR CONSTANTLY PUTTING SECTS ON TV

—Bald spot

JUDGE BANS COLLECTIVE GASPING FROM COURTROOM

Dear Ebola patient, You’re going to live! Not for very long though. You have Ebola.

Sorry for that first sentence, A terrible, terrible doctor

Dear wilderness, Every night I lie on my cot and wonder two things while gazing up at that blanket of star-speckled sky. Just how far will man venture from our terrestrial bounds and into that great and black unknown? Also, when will I stop shitting in holes?

—A cowboy

YELLING “ROADTRIP!” GETS OLD FIVE MINUTES BEFORE REACHING HIGHWAY Dear bartender, If, by “can’t hold your liquor,” you mean, “too drunk to grasp a drink,” then yes, I cannot hold my liquor, which is exactly why I asked you to pour it into my mouth, moron.

—An impatient patron

2

T he Y ale R ecord Dear man yelling at me rapidly and angrily in Spanish, Fiesta. Piñata. Taco. Eva Longoria. I really hope one of those works.

Sinceramente, Dave

The Oldest Indian Restaurant in New Haven

LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY! MAN MAULED BY ALL THREE IN GRISLY ZOO ACCIDENT Dear John Schmidt, You’re half the man I’ll ever be.

—John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

$9.95 Lunch Lunch Buffet & Specials

15% OFF TOTAL BILL Dining In Free Delivery Catering Available

Open 7 Days A Week 11:30 AM to 3:00 PM 65 Howe Street, New Haven, CT 06511 Phone: (203) 776 - 9010 Fax: (203) 777 - 5566

WANTED: Man trapped in cage seeking woman with crowbar Blondes only.

Dear STDs, Why do you get all the orientation attention? We are way scarier than you.

Sincerely, Babies Dear Literature, Enclosed is my Odyssey fanfiction.

Sincerely, Virgil

STUDY CONDUCTED BY HARVARD POST-DOC REVEALS THAT JOB AT MCDONALD’S, LARGE CHEESE PIZZA AND UNIDENTIFIED ROADKILL ALL MORE SUCCESSFUL AT FEEDING FAMILY OF FOUR THAN POST-DOC Dear ranch dressing, cinnamon roll icing, and alfredo sauce, Will you please go to my girlfriend and submit yourselves as evidence that things really are better with white stuff spread all over them?

—A man who wants vanilla frosting on his birthday cake, but whose girlfriend insists on using chocolate

Fluttering snowflower seeks tranquil sunshine brook. The hawk beaver has landed. Over.

Prickly, Saucy, Circumcised

The Yale Record

123

4

T he Y ale R ecord

“IT’S A LITTLE TOO CALM IF YOU College Street Cycles ASK ME,” WARNS GRIZZLED OLD

Dear man who invented car dealership Dear laughter, wind socks, Despite what detractors may say, You have completely ruined my job studies show that I am in fact the best Repair prospects! Where else are my skills medicine.

Repair Shifting, marketable? Repair, Apparel —Medicine Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels All Repairs Welcome All Repairs Welcome —A and man whose skills consist of Accessories Dear Gatsby, Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs not having a spine and dancing Apparel Dear Froco, enthusiastically You think you’re so great? Well twoApparel Cold Gear Mon-Thurs.

Cold Weather Weather Gear Thank you for your help with my can play at staring at green lights for Cycling Shorts 10:00-7:00 Cycling Shorts luggage.

I do not go to school here.

Dear Jell-O Pudding, long periods of time!

Protective Protective Equipment Equipment tourist on Old Campus —Japanese Look, I know you didn’t ask for any —A man holding up traffic Accessories Fri-Sat Accessories of this publicity. But it’s not my fault!

Full 10:00-5:00 Full Selection Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories How was I supposed to know Mr. Bike Locks Cosby would just keep repeating you?

—Dementia 769 T he Y ale R ecoRd

SEA CAPTAIN

collegestreetcycles@gmail.com

BUSINESSMAN OVERESTIMATES EFFECT OF NEW TIE ON DAY

FOOTIE BRIMMING WITH ENTHUSIASM, PARASITES

Mediterranea Café Middle eastern and italian Cuisine Monday - Thursday 11:00 am to Midnight Friday and Saturday11:00 am to 2:00 am Only Hookah Lounge in CT Private Party Back Room

140 Orange St., new Haven • (203) 624-0589 www.mediterraneacafe.cOm

142

The Yale Record

You Know You Deserve It...

Hot stone therapy is now available at...

RIMAGÉ SALON & SPA Book your appointment today 203-562-4247 • appt.rimage@sbcglobal.net Weekly Haircut Specials (email us today)

1210 Chapel Street, New Haven

6

T he Y ale R ecord

WE DELIVER JOB DISCOVERED IN WICHITA, KS Dear Dr. Applebaum, My mommy wants me to study a lot every day, but sometimes it feels like my brain is sooo full! Can your brain ever actually be full?

—Kelly Kerbel, age 9 Dear Kelly, Yes. It can be full of tumors.

—Dr. Applebaum

Dear Professor Li, I’m really, really sorry about this, but the experiment you put me in charge of has failed horribly. I’m not sure what went wrong—did I maybe dilute the solution to the wrong concentration or drop it too quickly into the petri dish?

It probably didn’t help that I jizzed on all the bacteria cultures last week.

Apologetically, Jon Silvio, CC ’12

ENRAGED JOLLY GREEN GIANT TRANSFORMS INTO SCRAWNY WHITE SCIENTIST Dear Gilette, Really? You think you’re “the best a man can get”? I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got you beat there.

—Blowjobs

Suit Suit Suit Yourself.

Yourself.

Yourself HUGO BOSS

SAND THEORY

HUGO BOSS SAND THEORY HUGO BOSS SAND THEORY

clothing & accessories for men

1020 chapel street 1020 chapel street new haven CT 06510 new203.865.3824 haven CT 06510 clothing & accessories for men 203.865.3824 www.raggsnewhaven.com www.r aggsnewhaven.com

10% Discount with1020 Yalechapel ID street

new haven CT 06510 203.865.3824 www.r aggsnewhaven.com

5 9 . $2

M

y dear freshmen, you are currently holding in your hands the most valuable guide to the upcoming year you will ever acquire. Yes, you may have received posters evoking the words of historic Yale professors and letters penned by eager Frocos. One or two of you may even have received that puzzling yet sensuous photo of a nude President Levin cradling a turtle in his arms. But none of these things, not even that mysterious tattoo above lovely Richard’s left pelvic bone, is the no holds barred freshman year handbook that this Record issue will be to you.

The Freshman Issue is a collection of all the freshman year wisdom we here at the Record have culled from our own experiences. Truthfully, I had planned to dole out these words of advice to my freshmen, as a Froco, but unfortunately, the higher ups and I did not see eye to eye on my qualifications. I’ll spare you the whole story, but suffice it to say that my Master and Dean did not agree that my large personal collection of fire ants and my suggestion for hosting “Tiptoe through the Tarantulas Tuesdays” in the Froco suite were traits befitting a proper freshman counselor. They may have crushed my dream of becoming a Froco, but little did they know that I would still have access to the freshmen class through this editorial. Ha!

9

The Yale Record

In any case, although my original plan for this issue—to include a free scorpion with every magazine— was nixed by the Record’s editorial board (thanks for nothing, guys), I was able to persuade them to let me share one piece of advice with you about Yale. Having already attended Yale for three years, I can tell you that, unfortunately, college really is the cheesy time of selfdiscovery and introspective questioning that everyone makes it out to be. Some of you will discover you actually loathe the major you had always thought you would study. Others will find they are no longer attracted to the gender they thought they preferred. A very unlucky few will come to the realization that the third eye slowly opening on their foreheads still won’t get them into senior seminars.

Yet, although the next few years will surely be ones of troubling self-examination, the good news is that, armed with this knowledge, you can make yourself as useful as possible to your friends and classmates. Since each one of them is bound to undergo an existential crisis at some point, why not help them probe their own psyches as soon as possible? If you notice a suitemate appearing ill at ease at the sight of a flamboyant Big Sib, don’t waste any time in marching up to him and asking, “I noticed you seemed uncomfortable when Jake was talking about Queer Peers. Are you homophobic?”

To make sure the international friend from Asia thinks long and hard about her inexperience with racial diversity, point out as many African American and Hispanic classmates as possible, and ask her loudly what kinds of offensive stereotypes she harbors about them. When you hear a classmate wringing her hands over a poor exam grade, gently put your arm around her shoulder and say, “Maybe your public school education just can’t measure up to everyone else’s private school training.” Once you hear her shocked sputter, you can glide away in peace, knowing that you’ve sown the seeds of self-doubt that will eventually blossom into either the posy of personal growth, or a crippling addiction to psychotropic drugs.

And with this revelation, you’re already well on your way to success here at this storied institution. Just don’t forget to swing by the first Record meeting on September 5th, at 9 pm in WLH 209, for some free pizza, good jokes and communal turtle-cradling.

—D. Zhu The Yale Record September 2011

Chairman: David Kemper ‘13

Editor-in-Chief: Dana Zhu ‘12 Publisher: Jerry Wang ‘13 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ‘14 Managing Editors: Alli Hugi ‘13, Lincoln Sedlacek ‘13, Michelle Taylor ‘13 Art Director: Paul Robalino ‘12 Staff Director: Kaan Vural ‘12 Online Editor: Jack Newsham ‘14 Publicity Manager: Daniel Fraser II ‘14

Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ‘14, Matthew Dernbach ‘13, Ben Green ‘14, Andrew Kahn ‘14, Yoonjoo Lee ‘12, Sofia Nicholson ‘14, Emily Sandford ‘14, Ellen Su ‘13, Autumn Von Plinsky ‘13, Catherine White ‘13 Contributing Writers & Artists: Jacob Abolafia ‘10, Nina Beizer ‘12, Adam Bildersee ‘09, Simon Chaffetz ‘12, Melissa Chiasson ‘11, River Clegg ‘11, Alison Gates ‘11, Tasha Garcia ‘11, Jordy Greenblatt ‘11, Michael Wayne Harris ‘09, David Klumpp ‘10, Claire Mulaney ‘10, Stephanie Naratil ‘11, Valerie Naratil ‘11, Ben Orlin ‘09, Stanley Seiden ‘10, Mark Sonnenblick ‘12, Simon Swartzman ‘10 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and cradle-robbing Cover: This month’s cover was drawn by Paul Robalino, whose freshmen should really ask him about twerking.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXXXX, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $30/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2011 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

GREAT DEALS IN SHOPPING PERIOD Directed Studies—As a young teenager coming to Yale from suburban California or suburban New York or suburban Chicago, it might be easy to forget that you’re now an integral link in the glorious chain of Western history. Why try to fight destiny? Whatever you thought was your cultural heritage, forget it, and embrace the togas and powder wigs of your new forefathers. You’ll be making Thucydides puns and noble savage knockknocks with your new cousins in no time.

Porn in the Morn—If you’ve ever had sex with the lights on, then this class should be an easy A, and could teach you an easy O. But if you get annoyed that the word “unmentionables” causes a room to break out in jocky giggles, maybe you should consider steering clear.

Try “Poon at Noon” instead.

Introduction to the Theory of Literature— You may not think you’ll like this class, but just wait: you’ll be stung by the WASP. Get ready, though, for intensive speech therapy to cull out “Derridean” and “performativity” from your vocabulary, because fake words were never meant to be voiced out loud at parties.

Introductory Microeconomics—Don’t let the name fool you; this class is huge. Huger than huge.

Anyone who’s everyone is in this lecture. Tell all your friends. Now that all your friends know, do you want all your friends to pass you by? Not getting in on this class would be crazy, and would leave you poor. Do you want to be that crazy, poor guy on the street, or do you want

to be that crazy rich guy on Wall Street? That’s what we thought.

Any Random Art History/Film Studies Course—Maybe you actually enjoying looking at art and watching movies, or maybe you just like looking at aesthedicks and watching the mise-en-scenesters. Either way, it’s easy to write papers when every opinion is valid and grades are given out in lollipops.

Harold Bloom Rambles for Two Hours a Week—It’s said that all you need to get a B from Bloom is a B-cup or larger. He doesn’t grade on a curve, he grades on curves. He’s like the Yale dragon who demands one town maiden each year and in return writes self-involved books about Shakespeare and the greatness of Man. And we all love him for it.

—S. Swartzman

NEW DISTRIBUTIONAL REQUIREMENTS FOR THE CLASS OF 2015 A seminar with a creepy old dude A class that is too fucking early Consecutive classes that are too far apart A class with more midterms than you expected A class where grade assignments are totally unfair A class you can’t get into Two QR classes —A. Bildersee

11

T he Y ale R ecord

SECRET SECRET SOCIETIES Although Secret Societies have long been a treasured part of Yale’s history, it often seems as though these societies have lost their right to be called secret. Their histories can be found online, student publications publish yearly roundups of their membership, and society tap night has recently been added to the farmer’s almanac.

Fortunately, some secret societies have remained true to their covert origins. Yes, these are Yale’s truly secret Secret Societies, never before mentioned in print or at a volume greater than 20 decibels.

Cloak and Dagger Cloak and Dagger was founded in 1962, after two students accidentally killed one of their roommates and swore an oath not to tell a soul. Both were awful secret keepers and had told seven people each within hours, so the 16 students decided they needed a sounder method of keeping their secret secret. Every Cloak and Dagger tap is told the exact story of what happened that fateful night and then sworn to secrecy. The founders were apprehended and tried publicly in 1964, but the tradition remains.

The Real Skull and Bones The Real Skull and Bones is actually and truly Yale’s oldest Secret Society. It was formed approximately 12 minutes before the much better known “fake” Skull and Bones when two students, Woodrow “Buddy” Larkin and Darren “Weebles” Weebler overheard Skull and Bones’ would-be founders discussing the idea and decided to beat them to it. The Real Skull and Bones headquarters is located directly below the purported Skull and Bones headquarters, which members take advantage of by spending meetings knocking on pipes and making ghost noises. ??????? and ????????

The ???????? and ????? Society is only secret in that no one knows their name. Meetings are highly public, and although they all begin with society members in masks and robes, the only point of these vestments seems to be to draw attention to members. Once a small crowd gathers, members take off their masks and gowns, yell out their names, and proceed with their meeting.

—S. Seiden Gross Domestic Product

Leaf and Fountain Leaf and Fountain is and will always be Yale’s smallest society, in that its active and alumni members in total will never exceed 60. The founders stumbled upon the secret to eternal youth, a secret they have guarded in their catacombs beneath Yale’s power plant since1924.

Every year, rather than graduate, seniors re-apply to Yale under false names and then re-tap the rising senior class.

True to their roots, members continue to dress and speak as though it were 1924-1927. This has generally gone unnoticed.

Branch and Stream Branch and Stream was formed solely to claim the record held by Leaf and Fountain. Unfortunately, without the amazing rejuvenating technology, the organization had to resort to harsher methods. Since their inception, it has been every senior class’s most important duty to find and kill the oldest class of living alumni. Alumni’s attempts to hide have actually given rise to several other organizations, including the Zapatistas, Herzegovinian Liberationists Movement, and Canada’s Whig party.

N. Beizer

The Yale Record’s Guide to Extracurriculars The Yale Record has generously agreed to publish select statements from student organizations on campus. Read through them carefully, for whatever groups you decide to join could well determine your entire social circle for the rest of your college career. Or maybe not - just have some fun!

Yale Symphony Orchestra: The YSO spends the first part of the year building up to our awesome Halloween show. We spend the rest of the year building down from it.

Yale Daily News: Join the nation’s oldest and CRAZIEST college daily newspaper! Spend every night writing FARTicles and doing headlines off of strippers! It’ll be [sic]!

Fraternities: Fraternities at Yale are dedicated to preserving a timehonored tradition of brotherhood and service. Institutions such as Sigma Chi and Alpha Epsilon Pi seek to enrich the Yale community by upholding strict policies of sobriety and cleanliness. See our offices at 300 York Street for application information.

The Yale Political Union: If your excessive arguing or alcoholism has alienated you from your few remaining friends, it’s time to get some new ones.

Herald: The second-most read student publication on campus, the Herald is widely recognized as being superior to the YDN because it’s published less frequently.

YHHAP: YHHAP stands for the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project. This organization includes many subgroups that tirelessly work to keep New Haven residents hungry and homeless. Recent programs include “Stealing Food From People Who Have Food,” “Impersonating Social Workers,” and “Farewellfare.”

Student Techs: Student techs are like the cool kids on campus.

Imagine the coolest person you know - now make him look like Brad Pitt. Now make him be able to fix a computer. Now on a motorcycle.

That’s a student tech.

Model UN: Learn how to build famous scenes from United Nations history out of plywood and glue. Previous dioramas have included “Kofi Annan Shows Up Late” and “Liberia Asks Too Many Questions.”

Freestyle Dueling Association: We meet weekly or bi-weekly to attack one another with foam swords, spears, and halberds on Old Campus.

Depending on group interest, members might embark on semester-long foam quests to rescue foam damsels in foam distress, ultimately ending in foam eternal foam happiness foam.

The Dramat: The Dramat is Yale’s oldest theatrical organization. They boast an impressive budget and access to many fantastic Yale resources.

They also boast the feat of having never performed a Mamet play and damned if they’re starting now.

Chess Club: Make some checkmates! Also one Czech mate in the form of our president Vladiv Kjorkivech.

A Cappella: Instruments ruin music. Absolutely destroy it. As a member of a cappella, you won’t allow any instruments into music. You will break instruments and step on them. If you have a good singing voice or a powerful hatred, come see our showcase in Woolsey Hall.

Yale Anti-Gravity Society: Do you hate obeying restrictive laws that you never voted for? Even natural ones? Then join YAGS, a recent offshoot of Yale Libertarians.

Carillonneurs: Is your entire family from Belgium’s Carillon district?

Then you might be eligible to join the Yale Carillonneurs, a group dedicated to preserving this ancient European bloodline. We breed twice a semester.

St. Anthony’s Hall: If you like senior secret societies but hate that they’re secret, for seniors, and non-literary, you should join St. A’s.

Yale Outdoors: `Cause Yale Indoors is for bitches.

ISO: Our dance parties are the best. Because we all know how to dance.

Because we’re from other countries. Because we were born there.

The Slifka Center: A fun, colorful place for Jews.

Rumpus: A quiz: Circle which of the following words you like most.

Fart Penis Vagina Rumpus If you circled all four, then congratulations, you just made staff writer!

YSECS: We can show you what’s behind those locked doors in SSS or WLH. Mostly brooms.

Yale Precision Marching Band: Dum dum dee dum dum dum DOO DOO DOO Tring a ling a ling a ling a dee dee dee dee dee dah OOH WAH WAH WAAAAAH — M. Sonnenblick

A

TO THE

GUIDE UNDERGRADUATE

R E G U L AT I O N S Yale informs incoming freshmen of the cons of failing to follow its undergraduate regulations.

The Record will now present you with the pros. By Alison Gates.

Hazing. In 1831, Louis Bruyere was pledging the Beta fraternity. On tap night, he had to eat his way out of a ten foot deep pit of Tarragon with his hands tied behind his back, survive a gladiatorial contest with a live cow in a sauna, wielding only a dull carrot as a weapon, and drink two gallons of seawater. He awoke days later and went to retrieve his pants. When he reached into his pocket, he found that the remnants of tap night had coagulated into the world’s first bouillon cube.

Falsification of Documents. In 1916, Marty Toolsey altered his Yale identification card to read, “Marty Woolsey.” He was allotted Welch Hall as a freshman single, six untenured faculty members and a chaplain as servants, and Helen Harkness’s hand in marriage. Marty took all junior history seminars on an A+/A/Brilliant basis and fulfilled his science and math requirements by pointing at table salt and saying the word, “graph,” respectively. Every Friday evening, the gymnasium pool was filled with red wine and turned over to Marty for his “Wading and Wafting” party. He was able to send home many solid gold bulldogs to his parents, immigrant window washers.

Riots. In 1967, students held an anti-war rally in Winchester Hall, a Yale building about to be torn down. The violent protesters did such damage to the building’s surface and structure that the cost to Yale of its demolition was significantly reduced. Yale was able to use this extra funding to construct its ROTC building.

Improper Acknowledgement of Sources in an Essay. In 1777, Samuel Bracken took a course with his nemesis, Noah Webster. When writing his final paper, Samuel needed to include a point Noah had made during a class session. He acknowledged Mr. Webster entirely improperly, referring to him as, “Noah the Unwashd Dowltish Spleenliss Nittwit Pantiwayst Skalywag who waers a waistcote that semes to hav been downated to him bye a donky.” The paper eventually made its way to Noah and the numerous spelling errors in the blasphemous citation inspired him to embark on his famous dictionary project.

Alcohol. In 1934, Patrick Laputz consumed several alcoholic beverages, despite being a mere 20 years of age. That evening, he beat a companion at an arm wrestling contest, laughed without reticence at an offcolor joke about a Rabbi and a Frenchman, and recited the prologue of the Canterbury Tales to a pile of linens. He had a generally pleasurable evening. That was the only time this rule has ever been violated.

Dans Yale Didn’t Use "Y 3 AND 6 .ARATIL

SEDAN

UGLY DAN

DANIEL RADCLIFFE RODIN

Yale University

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams?

Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses?

2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs?

Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team.

3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research?

Independent research is an integral part of Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance.

4. What should I buy for my room?

The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as a couch, a TV, and a diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time.

5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year?

While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring!

6. What is the average class size?

“Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my Intro to English Writing seminar?” the answer is no.

7. Do Yale students study abroad?

Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border.

8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students?

Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately.

9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones?

Why yes!

10. How can I make friends at Yale?

Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center.

—J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp

17

T he Y ale R ecord

MEET YOUR CLASSMATES Cradle Snatcher You’ve already met him on Facebook.

Burnout Once valedictorian and a National Merit Scholar, now he just plays Super Smash Brothers and complains that Porn in the Morn isn’t a science credit.

Third World Sleaze He’s from a different culture, so he has the right to grab your ass.

Frat Bro 184 beer pong victories, two personal opinions.

Edgy Bi A girl with the self-assurance of someone who gets to do in bed what you pay to see online.

Uncomfortable Conservative He came to Yale because his grandfather did, back when diversity meant your roommate was from upstate NY. Now he keeps a low profile.

Not-Yet-Out-ofthe-Closet Makes an excellent conversation topic.

Hipster Part of a movement to keep big colorful shoes in vogue for all eternity.

Enviro-Nut Who keeps closing the refrigerator door? It’s hot in here!

Slut This is a difficult word. When using it, make it clear that you’re being feminist rather than misogynistic.

—S. Chaffetz

18

T he Y ale R ecord

But I could write this poem, high above the swirling bullets and foreign screams…”

“I am forever grateful that my status as His Highness Grand Archduke Ayatollah Windsor II never stopped me from having a normal childhood.”

A Solution for Noise Pollution

—C. Mulaney

BUDGET CRISIS!

P. Robalino

EXCERPTS In an effort to recognize achievement by members of the freshman class, the Yale Department of Admissions has released to the Yale Record the top admissions essays from 2015. Below are various excerpts.

“It was an average autumn day. I was leading a gaggle of blind ducklings across a bridge I fashioned from my belt and several #2 pencils when I fainted because I had donated twice the recommended amount of blood earlier that morning. Luckily Alfred was able to step in and take charge. He was the shrewdest of my mini mallard friends…” “‘Well, President Obama, I’ll tell you what my definition of it is!’ I was only 8 years old and pointing my finger in the face of the most powerful man in the world.

My performance at Junior Junior Model UN earned me an internship as a speech writer, but I wasn’t about to lie for that Illinoisian again…”

“Looking back I realize I was not playing the oboe, the oboe was playing me, and I, a naïve high school sophomore, was out of tune…”

“Guerrilla fighters continued to terrorize the small Peruvian village through the night. I was powerless, alone. I could not help one of them, let alone them all.

Last year, President Levin announced that departments all across the university were being asked to reduce their fiscal expenses by 7.5%. But it doesn’t stop there. Here are further budget cuts Levin doesn’t want you to know about: Hipsters are asked to be 7.5% less hip.

Premedical students will be 7.5% less sociable DUH will be 7.5% less accurate in diagnosing male pregnancy The homosexuality rate will fall to “One in 4.3, maybe more.”

Section assholes will be 7.5% quieter.

Sports teams will win 7.5% fewer games, except for men’s basketball, which will hold steady at 0-24.

Quinnipiac girls will wear 7.5% less clothing Science classes will be moved 7.5% farther from central campus Carilloneurs will miss 7.5% more notes YUAG auditorium seats will be made 7.5% less comfortable Ivy Noodle fortune cookies will be 7.5% less predictive Purple ice cream will be 7.5% more prevalent Skull and Bones will be 7.5% less secretive The archaeology department will steal 7.5% fewer Peruvian artifacts The Gutenberg Bible will be 7.5% less authentic Sex in the stacks will be 7.5% less pleasurable Every college will be moved down one slot in the Tyng Cup rankings Grade inflation will decrease to 7.5% —A. Bildersee

19

T he Y ale R ecord

TOP TEN THAI RESTAURANTS IN NEW HAVEN

Sex Signals

Thai Taste Taste of Thai House of Thai House of Tasty Thai Haunted Thai House Tasty Taste of House Thai Son of Thai Taste Taste That? That’s Thai The House That Pad Thai Built Bangkok Gardens —B. Orlin J. Sun

Pranks to Play on Vegetarians

DUH HEALTH TIPS FOR INCOMING FRESHMAN If you feel nauseated, stuffed up, or feverish, you are probably just pregnant, especially if you are a woman.

While it is well known that the average human eats 8 spiders in his/her sleep in a given year, it is not as well know that the average spider eats 8 humans in his/her sleep in a given year.

Either smoking or drinking causes lung cancer, so it’s probably safest to avoid both of them. Or is it exercise?

The word “flu” spelled backwards becomes “ulf,” or a powerful elf.

Anything from a contaminated mosquito to bad dreams can lead to infection, so keep a fly swatter and a dream catcher by your bed at all times.

Finally, remember that while our well-trained medical staff is not necessarily overseen by “doctors,” we have plenty of witch doctors and organ harvesters ready to see you with two weeks’ notice.

T. Garcia

—J. Greenblatt

20

T he Y ale R ecord

HISTORIC HARVARD/YALE PRANKS 1704–Graduating Yale ministers conduct first “panty raid” against Harvard men, creating a sexual tension between the two institutions that now manifests itself mostly on the football field.

1736–Drunken Harvard freshman Samuel Adams steals the false teeth of aging professor Harold Bloom, forcing him to fashion a new set out of pine pitch and walrus tusk.

1874–Undercover Harvard students convince Yale to name new dormitory after notable alum John C. Calhoun.

1939–Posing as a Yale student, John F. Kennedy begins three-day orgy in which entire male undergraduate population is sexiled at once.

1952–Harvard community hides in terror as Yale students trick-or-treat in Cambridge disguised as Joe McCarthy.

1961–Harvard dispatches prank construction crew to perpetrate Morse and Stiles colleges; seemingly out of spite, Yale begins housing students and employing staff there.

1964–After vandalizing much of Harvard Yard, George W. Bush crashes car through one of Harvard’s oldest classrooms; Harold Bloom is asked to make repairs using pine pitch and walrus tusk.

1985–Yale gets Chicago Bears to don blue and compete against Harvard in the Game; William “the Refrigerator” Perry is penalized for delay of game after eating entire Crimson offensive line.

1993–Harvard students stage protest outside a Yale Political Union debate, creating the cruel illusion that people care about the Yale Political Union.

2009–Undercover Harvard students convince President Levin to name new residential college after noted alum C. Montgomery Burns.

—R. Clegg

TIPS FOR WARDING OFF THE FRESHMAN 15 AND VAMPIRES

“Dude, we’re going to be late, just carve 2013 tomorrow.”

P. Robalino

· Garlic gives any meal flavor without adding too many calories. · Drink lots of holy water to feel full without taking in too much fatty dining hall food. · Looking for a good workout? Try the iron cross. · Blood thinners make blood clots less likely and blood less tasty. · Avoid binge drinking; alcohol is full of calories and devoid of nutritional content, and if you’re drunk it can be difficult to tell the difference between a vampire and that Comp Sci major who stares at you through your window at night. · If you have a steak/stake with you at all times you are doing something wrong/right. · Look over your shoulder every few seconds because vampires cannot be seen in mirrors... especially if your reflection is taking up the whole damn thing, fatty.

—J. Greenblatt

21

T he Y ale R ecord

ALTERNATE PRE-ORIENTATION PROGRAMS Blood Harvest—While everyone knows Yale’s sustainable farming pre-orientation program, Yale is proud to introduce Blood Harvest, the sustainable slaughtering pre-orientation program. Raise and take care of cute pigs for two weeks before sending them off to the industrial slaughterhouse to make bacon for Sunday morning.

Milk Bessie and then round up her calves with a cattle prod to ship them out to the feedlot. These psychological traumas will bond you irrevocably to the other Yalies in the program—it will be an experience you talk about for years to come!

Orientation for International Students—Everybody seems to think that the international students coming to Yale need an orientation. Seriously, if you’re an international student who got into Yale, you can probably figure out how to open a bank account in New Haven.

This year, the orientation will focus on how you can use your mysterious international allure to your advantage, from avoiding public urination tickets to convincing your English professor that writing your paper in your native language was a way of expressing your alienation.

FONT (Freshman Outdoors Non-orientation Trips)—Choose between 4 and 7-day camping trips out to nearby natural areas with other incoming freshman. Do not confuse this program with FOOT. During FONT, interaction between students will be kept to a minimum, and discussion of Yale and New Haven will be strictly forbidden.

Cultural Defections—Yale students take pride in the vast number of different cultural traditions on campus. That being said, many students find that the culture they were born into no longer suits their needs.

At Cultural Defections, students can take stock of the many cultures at Yale they can adopt as their own. Tired of being a plain old Midwest cracker? You have so many choices, from broad cultural groups like the South Asian Society to smaller niche clubs like the Albanian Students Association. Whatever cultural zest you are missing, you are sure to find it at Cultural Defections.

—M. Chiasson

2-LINE SUMMARIES OF ALL THE DS READING The Republic: Socrates and friends hypothesize about the perfect city. Most philosophers have noted its impracticality, particularly its lack of WiFi hotspots.

Odyssey: Odysseus charters a ship, goes on a lot of badass, brotastic adventures and, unlike his crew, manages not to die.

Iliad: Reading about 1,186 Greek ships isn’t so bad if they’re relevant to the story and the poetry is beautiful.

They’re not and it’s not.

Bible: Part mythology, part Charlton Heston western, part zombie movie, part epistolary novel. Most literary critics consider Jesus a Harry Potter figure.

Apocrypha: Don’t have oral sex: that’s how weasels get pregnant. (Barnabas 9:9) Paradise Lost: Contains hundreds of puns that you will never notice. Reveals Milton’s revision of Christian theology where God is really passive aggressive all the time.

The Waste Land: “April is the cruelest month.”

That’s really the only line you’ll ever need to quote at a cocktail party, because the rest of it is indecipherable.

The Prince: Lying, cheating, and manipulating are the qualities a prince must have. Princesses need fuckme pumps, big hair, and glitter.

—M.W. Harris Signs You Might Be Gay

N. Beizer

22

T he Y ale R ecord

BIBLE QUOTES I MADE UP TO SUPPORT THE APOCALYPSE’S COMING From the First Book of Horoscopiticus, 3:14: “... harken to my word, that the reallotment of the astrological symbols forebeareth the second coming!”

From the Book of Your Mother, 17:4-6: “...hear my words, boy: I shall clean up your mess when hell freezeth over, when fire rain from the sky, and when the angels turn their backs on God. Now take off thine filthy shoes before thy dirtieth the new carpet.”

From the Book of Cut-the-Bullshiticus, 6:66-67: “... and lo, when a man shalt be permitted to lie with a man, or a horse, or any object not imbued with the breath of God’s life, the span of the Earth draws to dusk; but really everyone knows it’s because of the imminent nuclear apocalypse.”

From the Book of Anachronisms, 9:67: “...as it hath been tweeted by the great J-Beebs, ‘if i can get more followers than @GaGa free tix 2 all followers for my new movie #NEVERSAYNEVER3D & also seriously #theapocalypseishere.”

ters” is available and would make a great shooting location) for several weeks and given a series of tests to determine which 17 of them would make the best reality show contestants. Then the show can funnel into another reality TV program (may I suggest the 29th season of “Wow! I Never Would Have Guessed That Man Was A Philatelist!”?) at the network’s discretion.

Some competitions I have in mind are: coming up with 15 nasty things to say about Mother Teresa in 2 minutes; licking things that shouldn’t be licked—who can hold out the longest?; 3 word self-introductions that make you sound both arrogant and sexually promiscuous; who has the best boobs (of the fake and man variety); ruining a complete stranger’s self-esteem using only words without the letter “A”; and swimming through mud in prom gowns (a tried and true favorite!).

Thank you so much for giving your attention to my proposal (and don’t forget to tune in next week to the season finale of “What the Hell is a Philatelist, Anyway?”)!

Sincerely, Abby Salutt-Luzeer —J. DeButts

Pictionary with Freud

A LETTER Dear Executives of REALI-TV, I am writing with a proposal for my latest show, “Just How Real Are You?” After the marked success of my earlier projects (“So You Want to Be a Traveling Vacuum Salesperson?”; “Who Can Eat the Most Feces In 76.5 Seconds?”; “Wow! I Never Would Have Guessed That Man Was A Philatelist!”; and “What the Hell is a Philatelist, Anyway?”) I think I have a strong foundation to move forward on this new show. The premise is simple, and the recent rise of reality television (see Wow, Reality TV Is Really Popular, Isn’t It? by Ivan Amakabuk, pgs. 13-296) should shoot it to stardom!

The contestants will be chosen on the basis of looks, cattiness, ability to shamelessly self-promote and/or expose themselves, and nominal diversity. They will be sequestered in a house (I believe the house from “Sex Addict Babysit-

A. Von Plinsky

23

T he Y ale R ecord

College Street Cycles Repair, Apparel and Accessories Mon-Thurs.

10:00-7:00

Bike Locks

Fri-Sat 10:00-5:00

Repair Repair

Shifting, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels All All Repairs Repairs Welcome Welcome Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs

Apparel Apparel

Cold Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts Protective Protective Equipment Equipment

Accessories Accessories

Full Full Selection Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories

College Street Cycles

collegestreetcycles@gmail.com

Repair Dear James Franco, Repair Shifting, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels Repair, Apparel You look so cool wearing a leather All Repairs Welcome All Repairs Welcome and Accessoriesjacket in the sweltering heat. You are Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs the Fonzie of the Ivy League.

Apparel Apparel Sincerely, Cold Mon-Thurs.

Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear Cycling James Franco 10:00-7:00 Cycling Shorts Shorts

JOHN GRISHAM ACCUSED OF MURDER; COURT TRANSCRIPT SELLS 200,000 COPIES Fri-Sat

10:00-5:00 Dear horn-rimmed glasses, Bike Locks I always thought you’d look good on me, but now hipsters are wearing you, and I don’t want people thinking I’m a hipster. Advice? collegestreetcycles@gmail.com —A guy with no problems whatsoever in his little bitch-ass life

BESTIALITY ENTHUSIAST FRANCIS SCOTT KEY SPENDS PLENTY OF TIME “O’ER THE RAMPARTS”

Protective Protective Equipment Equipment

Dear awkward silence, Accessories Accessories Full Selection Hereof come! Accessories Full Selection ofIBicycle Bicycle Accessories

ZOO MONKEY CONFUSED BY HUMAN INTERACTION IN WHICH ALMOST NO POOP IS FLUNG

—A fart

Dear facial hair, Why have you left me? We had such a good thing going!

—The American presidency

T he Y ale R ecord Dear Jim, I’m just writing to say goodbye. I got a pink slip in my inbox this morning. I knew I should have paid more attention during training. When the boss told us about the upcoming “layoffs,” I thought he meant some kind of competitionstyle orgy.

Best wishes, Seth

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com You: a kind and understanding woman with perfect complexion Me: smallpox

Dear Abby, I’ve got so many problems. Yesterday I cut down this cherry tree, and I don’t know whether to tell the truth about it or not. Also, I’ve been dead for over 200 years.

—George Washington

25

THE OLDEST

OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

MATH MAJOR COMPLAINS THAT VIRGINITY JOKES ARE “TOO SOON” Dear paleontologists, We’re frustrated that you keep misconstruing the fossil record evidence for our existence. We played a highly important reproductive role in Jurassic Era dinosaur societies, and all we want is some recognition. How could you not understand the significance of the monstrously large, fossilized lingerie we left behind?

Frustrated, Skankasaurus Dear GQ, You may be suave and handsome, but you’ll never replace me as the ultimate measure of manliness!

Triumphantly, BBQ

LOCAL STUDENTS HEAD TO PETE’S BAR FOR PETE’S SAKE

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

New Haven’s oldest, biggest and best bike shop Come see us in our new downtown location at 151 Orange Street

27

T he Y ale R ecord

Kasbah Garden Cafe A genuine Middle Eastern & Moroccan Restaurant Coffee-shop

SUPREME COURT CHANGES NAME TO JUSTICE LEAGUE Dear Mary Poppins, You can say it as loud as you want, but that still won’t make it a word.

Sincerely, The Oxford English Dictionary Dear Record, Before the economy crashed, I was hoping to retire and open up a little bistro. But the last two years have revealed painful truths, such as that I am not exactly sure what a bistro is.

Advice?

—A hardworking American

HOOKAH Available Free WIFI Internet Access 105 Howe Street, New Haven CT 0651 (203) 777-5053 contact@kasbahgarden.com

WANTED: Cadaver - dead or alive.

HARVARD STUDENTS TO SKIP THANKSGIVING, CITING “NO REASON TO BE THANKFUL” Dear Comrade Trotsky, I tell you, you are not making the revolution fast enough!

Angrily, Comrade Cantersky

Dear Yale Admissions, A quota of zero is still a quota!

—Gila monsters Dear Tom, Thank you for your compliment that I have the “energy of a horse.” Sadly, I also have the flaring nostrils and vestigial tail of a horse. Please get me to a doctor.

—Frank

OSCAR MEYER WEINERMOBILE CRASHES INTO PERFORMANCE OF VAGINA MONOLOGUES Dear masculinity, THERE’S NO ESCAPE! MUAHAHAHA!!!

—Putting on chapstick Dear X, You’re not the only one that can mark the spot, you know.

Geraldine, a florist 1207 Chapel St. New Haven, CT 06524 (203) 624-4243 For all of your floral needs … and so much more.

Send for Booklet!

—G

OFF THE RECORD

HELP SECTION

How to Start a Conversation An exclusive report to help hopeless freshman

By Alison Gates

B

y now, you’ve all heard someone say, “The best thing about Yale is the people.” College is the time to form lifelong friendships, to drunkenly slobber on and re-woo your spouse, and to encounter the most noteworthy members of your generation.

You’ll want to tell your nephews about the time you mooned a tour group led by a future senator or the time you fired a snot-rocket into the eye of a Nobel laureate. You are probably wondering, “How can I forge meaningful relationships and ruin potentially advantageous connections?”

Well, the first step is talking to people.

There are a few universal rules to entering an interaction. Before college, hands were just for patty-cake, picking your nose, making cement handprints for Father’s Day, and going to home base (handholding). But at Yale, you must shake everyone’s hand all the time. A handshake reminds both shakers that in the long run, their respective companies may merge, and in the short run, they both have the capacity to highfive.

The next rule is eye contact. Look right at your conversation partner through your hornrimmed glasses, ski-goggles, or two microscopes strapped to your face. Now open your mouth, rev up your vocal chords, and take the leap: say, “Hi.” Congratulations! You’ve spoken! Unfortunately, this is where things get terrifying. “What should I say next?” Sometimes, your situation can provide meaty conversation topics. Here is a laundry room example: “Wow, these machines don’t use quarters. What is this, the future?” Or, “I see you have soiled much of your clothing

already. Thoughts?” Your first conversation with your roommate is critical, but don’t let the stakes psych you out. A simple observation is all you need: “Hello, roommate. I notice you also did not bring a futon. It looks like you do not foresee bringing any romantic dates back to the room either. Thanks for the moneysaver, fugly new best friend!”

When you find yourself walking next to someone on a dark evening and there is nothing around to discuss, their clothing can give you clues about their personality and the things they like to talk about. If they are wearing a jersey and sweatpants, you can assume they play a sport. This means they probably work out; ask them how many packs they have. The answer is typically six, though every once in a while, you come across an eight—then you’ve hit conversation gold. If they are wearing a Jack Wills shirt, they probably go to Toad’s. Explain that you completely understand their rationale for getting blackout drunk on Wednesday nights; of all the weeknights, Wednesdays are the least interesting and therefore a solid choice of a night to not remember.

If you exhaust all apparent conversation avenues and begin to get desperate, name anything you see and turn it into a question: “Fiber, am I right?” Once you have tried this with every object in your periphery, just sigh and say “college” suggestively. Next try “growing up,” “change,” “time,” “people,” “america,” “the world,” and then “life.” One of these should be applicable to most chat partners. □

How to Shake Hands How to Eat in a Yale Dining Hall Arguably the worst kind of hand shake is the

dead fish. Do not do this. The people you meet will think you have a limp soul. Also do not crush people’s hands. They will think you have

The residential dining halls require you to reorganize your food pyramid to include cereal