Vol. 141, No. 1
TH E YALE
Sept. 3, 2012
RECORD
Yale University
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams? Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses? 2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs? Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team. 3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research? Independent research is an integral part of Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance. 4. What should I buy for my room? The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as a couch, a TV, and a diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time. 5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year? While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring! 6. What is the average class size? “Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my Intro to English Writing seminar?” the answer is no. 7. Do Yale students study abroad? Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border. 8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students? Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately. 9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones? Why yes! 10. How can I make friends at Yale? Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center. —J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp
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ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA! JUDGE BANS COLLECTIVE GASPING FROM COURTROOM Dear pantyhose, What a pity. I imagined you to be a garden hose that spouted girls’ panties continuously. Sigh… I guess it’s back to stealing panties and blowing them out of a leafblower. Sincerely, Dave Dear cleavage, Mind your own business—are you trying to ruin me?! —A guy about to have the worst job interview of his life
FORREST GUMP’S LAST WORDS REVEALED: “LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES; SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY AND DIE”
Dear man yelling at me rapidly and angrily in Spanish, Fiesta. Piñata. Taco. Eva Longoria. I really hope one of those works. Sinceramente, Jerry
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Dear John Schmidt, You’re half the man I’ll ever be. —John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Dear laughter, Despite what detractors may say, studies show that I am in fact the best medicine. —Medicine
TABLES TURNED IN BAR FIGHT Dear Abby, I’ve got so many problems. Yesterday I cut down this cherry tree, and I don’t know whether to tell the truth about it or not. Also, I’ve been dead for over 200 years. —George Washington Dear Literature, Enclosed is my Odyssey fanfiction. Sincerely, Virgil
Dear ranch dressing, cinnamon roll icing, and alfredo sauce, Will you please go to my girlfriend and submit yourselves as evidence that things really are better with white stuff spread all over them? —A man who wants vanilla frosting on his birthday cake, but whose girlfriend insists on using chocolate
SCHIZOPHRENIC BUYS BLUETOOTH HEADSET TO AVOID AWKWARDNESS
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Dear man who invented car dealership wind socks, You have completely ruined my job prospects! Where else are my skills marketable? —A man whose skills consist of not having a spine and dancing enthusiastically Dear Gatsby, You think you’re so great? Well, two can play at staring at green lights for long periods of time! —A man holding up traffic
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Dear Froco, Thank you for your help with my luggage. I do not go to school here. —Japanese tourist on Old Campus
TROOP LEADER TELLS GIRL SCOUTS THAT IF THEY CAN’T SELL ENOUGH COOKIES, THEY WILL HAVE TO ENGAGE IN “OTHER” MEANS OF FUNDRAISING Dear Dr. Applebaum, My mommy wants me to study a lot every day, but sometimes it feels like my brain is sooo full! Can you brain ever actually be full? —Kelly Kerbel, age 9 Dear Kelly, Yes. It can be full of tumors. —Dr. Applebaum Dear awkward silence, Here I come!
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The Yale Record
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The Yale Record
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Dear Doctor Who, So you got your good ratings by being a show about a guy who travels through time and space and helps people. I bet I can use that same basic concept and get even better ratings. —Trixie Turnblad’s Time-Traveling Titties
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M
y dear freshmen, I can still remember the first thoughts I ever had at Yale. I had just arrived on campus to be greeted by the sight of a dozen upperclassmen, all eager to help me move into my suite. Full of appreciation, my first thought was, This place is fantastic. My second thought was an expletive, and it was screamed at the top of my lungs, because a family of squirrels – probably attracted by the scent of my “Nuts ‘n’ Berries” shampoo – had pounced on me from a tree outside of Lawrance and begun attempting to eat my hair. I tell you this story, not to make you fear Old Campus’ squirrel population (although they’re not to be trusted), but to make a point about your freshman year. If you were to make a list of your most frequent thoughts these first few months, number one would probably be, This place is fantastic. However, the next ten would probably be an assortment of profane oaths, because while Yale is indeed fantastic, it’s also a lot to handle at first. This year, you’re likely to feel as behind-the-curve as Harry Potter did his first year at Hogwarts. The only difference is that when the staircases in your residence hall begin to move, it’s most likely the result of that fifth shot of Bacardi, not magical enchantment.
The Yale Record
This publication, the Freshman Issue of the Yale Record, is intended to give you some guidance for your first few months at Yale. It’s a bit like that “Freshman Handbook” you undoubtedly received this summer, but better, because it contains fewer tedious descriptions of “academic requirements” and “grounds for expulsion” and instead contains a lot more jokes about people getting their underpants caught in lawnmowers (I checked, and the Freshman Handbook only has two of those). So here, in this editorial, I’d like to give you some good, solid advice. First of all, take advantage of Yale’s resources. Yale will give just about anything to those who ask for it. One of my friends gets paid $18.50 an hour as a paperpusher in President Levin’s office; she literally pushes his papers across the desk for him so he doesn’t have to reach. This past summer, Ezra Stiles College funded my suitemate’s trip to Ghana, which was pitched as a research project entitled “Africa: Will It Float?” Just last year, I discovered that Yale’s been providing me with oncampus housing all along, meaning I could stop living in a blanket fort hidden in the stacks of Sterling Memorial Library. Yale’s pretty generous, is what I’m saying, and if you know where to look, you can probably not only do whatever you want, but do it on Yale’s dime. This brings me to my next point: do what makes you happy. Maybe, although your dad really wanted
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his daughter to major in Comparative Literature, you’d much rather get a degree in Chemical Engineering and become a doctor. Go for it! Or maybe, even though your mom really wanted her son to find a nice girl and settle down, you’ve come to realize that you’re actually sexually attracted to toasters. That’s okay! Just make sure you use protection – by which I mean unplug your dates before getting intimate. Don’t be afraid to do what makes you happy, because the alternative is being unhappy, and believe it or not, being unhappy isn’t particularly enjoyable. Lastly – and this is perhaps the most important advice of all – join the Yale Record, America’s oldest college humor magazine. Whether you’re interested in writing, art, design, video, or business, the Record has a place for you. And if none of those things interest you, well, just come for the laughs. Our staff meetings are Mondays at 9:00 PM in LC 208. Nobody ever regrets joining the Record, and I’m always happy to have another human shield for the next time Dean Mary Miller sends in a team of assassins to kill me because of the joke I made about her physique in last year’s Do-ItYourself Issue. I mean, member. I’m always happy to have another member of the Yale Record. —L. Sedlacek The Yale Record September 2012
Chairman: Michelle Taylor ’13
Editor-in-Chief: Lincoln Sedlacek ’13 Publisher: Jack Newsham ’14 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Aaron Gertler ’15, Mitchell Nobel ’13, Zachary Schloss ’15 Art Director & Publicity Manager: Ilana Strauss ’13 Video Director: Natey Weinstein ’14 Online Editor & Supplementals Editor: Emily Sandford ’14 Staff Director: Daniel Fraser II ’14 Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ’14, Ben Green ’14, Vic Hall ’15, Spencer Katz ’13, Andrew Sobotka ’15, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Catherine White ’13, Sylvia Zhang ’15 Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Jacob Abolafia ’10, Adam Bildersee ’09, Simon Chaffetz ’12, Alison Gates ’11, Jordy Greenblatt ’11, Madeleine Henry ’14, David Klumpp ’10, Yoonjoo Lee ’12, Claire Mulaney ’10, Stephanie Naratil ’11, Valerie Naratil ’11, Ben Orlin ’09, Paul Robalino ’12, Stanley Seiden ’10, Mark Sonnenblick ’12 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and the colony of brown recluse spiders residing in the Welch Hall basement Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Yoonjoo Lee ‘12, who did Yale a great service by dropping Beinecke Library on a particularly unpleasant TF Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLI, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2012 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, AND THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE You guys wanna know what sex is like? Well, I can tell you. I can tell you, because I have definitely had sex. A LOT of sex. Yeah. So, sex. Sex is…amazing. It feels amazing. Like masturbating, only better. The first part of sex is, uh, the beginning, and it’s my favorite part, because it means we still have all that sex to do. We start by getting naked. I always help her take off her clothes, which is kind of difficult, if you think about it, because everything’s backwards from my perspective. Plus I’m usually distracted by her lingerie, which is SUPER sexy. It has, like, lace and stuff. Then she helps me take off my clothes, in a fast/slow kind of way. She looks really good naked. She’s got these boobs that are like, you know, right where they are supposed to be. And they feel really good, like lots of skin in one place, like a butt. When we start kissing (still naked), she asks me sexy questions, like: “What is your favorite sexual position?” and “Remember last time we had sex? It was so sexy.” And I tell her other sexy things like, “Yeah, and I’m gonna sex you up again,” and “Hey babe, you ready for my sex?” Then we start, you know, the middle part. We’re usually super sweaty by that time, because it’s been
an hour. The middle is my second favorite part of sex, because, I just feel so horny. It’s when all the action goes down, you know. The part where I put my, uh, thing, in her, uh, holder. We like to do this a lot, because that’s what sex is, and it feels really awesome. My girlfriend is really good at sex; she got like an A- in her biology class, and she knows all the parts of the male body, like the penis and the balls. Of course, I’m also really good at sex. I know because she told me I am, and it makes sense, because I’ve had a lot of practice masturbating, and I saw an NC-17 movie once by accident. Anyway, after the middle part comes the end part, when we both have orgasms at the same time. Orgasms also feel amazing. They’re pretty hard to describe to someone who’s never had one before, but I guess I would say they’re like the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure, and experienced by males and females. Yeah, that’s about right. After, when she is helping me put my clothes back on, and I am helping her put on her clothes, we like to talk about all the porn we watched that week. And then we like to talk about the sex that we’ve had in the past, all of that sex. We’ve had a lot of sex, so that always takes a while. Then she bikes back to her house, but I know she’ll be back, because we’re dating, and girls like to have sex, especially my girlfriend, probably because I’m so good at it. Oh yeah and I wore a condom. −M. Henry
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SECRET SECRET SOCIETIES Although Secret Societies have long been a treasured part of Yale’s history, it often seems as though these societies have lost their right to be called secret. Their histories can be found online, student publications publish yearly roundups of their membership, and society tap night has recently been added to the farmer’s almanac. Fortunately, some secret societies have remained true to their covert origins. Yes, these are Yale’s truly secret Secret Societies, never before mentioned in print or at a volume greater than 20 decibels. Cloak and Dagger Cloak and Dagger was founded in 1962, after two students accidentally killed one of their roommates and swore an oath not to tell a soul. Both were awful secret keepers and had told seven people each within hours, so the 16 students decided they needed a sounder method of keeping their secret secret. Every Cloak and Dagger tap is told the exact story of what happened that fateful night and then sworn to secrecy. The founders were apprehended and tried publicly in 1964, but the tradition remains.
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The Real Skull and Bones The Real Skull and Bones is actually and truly Yale’s oldest Secret Society. It was formed approximately 12 minutes before the much better known “fake” Skull and Bones when two students, Woodrow “Buddy” Larkin and Darren “Weebles” Weebler overheard Skull and Bones’ would-be founders discussing the idea and decided to beat them to it. The Real Skull and Bones headquarters is located directly below the purported Skull and Bones headquarters, which members take advantage of by spending meetings knocking on pipes and making ghost noises. ?????? and ?????? The ?????? and ?????? Society is only secret in that no one knows their name. Meetings are highly public, and although they all begin with society members in masks and robes, the only point of these vestments seems to be to draw attention to members. Once a small crowd gathers, members take off their masks and gowns, yell out their names, and proceed with their meeting. —S. Seiden
Leaf and Fountain Leaf and Fountain is and will always be Yale’s smallest society, in that its active and alumni members in total will never exceed 60. The founders stumbled upon the secret to eternal youth, a secret they have guarded in their catacombs beneath Yale’s power plant since1924. Every year, rather than graduate, seniors re-apply to Yale under false names and then re-tap the rising senior class. True to their roots, members continue to dress and speak as though it were 1924-1927. This has generally gone unnoticed. Branch and Stream Branch and Stream was formed solely to claim the record held by Leaf and Fountain. Unfortunately, without the amazing rejuvenating technology, the organization had to resort to harsher methods. Since their inception, it has been every senior class’s most important duty to find and kill the oldest class of living alumni. Alumni’s attempts to hide have actually given rise to several other organizations, including the Zapatistas, Herzegovinian Liberationists Movement, and Canada’s Whig party.
“I thought about going to Princeton, but orange really isn’t my color.” —I. Strauss
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bullets and foreign screams…” “I am forever grateful that my status as His Highness Grand Archduke Ayatollah Windsor II never stopped me from having a normal childhood.” —C. Mulaney
NEW DISTRIBUTIONAL REQUIREMENTS FOR THE CLASS OF 2016 “We are experiencing a delay due to a Tyrannosaurus Rex tearing up tracks in front of us. Sorry for any inconvenience.” —I. Strauss
A seminar with a creepy old dude A class that is too fucking early Consecutive classes that are too far apart A class with more midterms than you expected A class where grade assignments are totally unfair A class you can’t get into Two QR classes —A. Bildersee
EXCERPTS In an effort to recognize achievement by members of the freshman class, the Yale Department of Admissions has released to the Yale Record the top admissions essays from 2016. Below are various excerpts. “It was an average autumn day. I was leading a gaggle of blind ducklings across a bridge I fashioned from my belt and several #2 pencils when I fainted because I had donated twice the recommended amount of blood earlier that morning. Luckily Alfred was able to step in and take charge. He was the shrewdest of my mini mallard friends…” “‘Well, President Obama, I’ll tell you what my definition of it is!’ I was only 8 years old and pointing my finger in the face of the most powerful man in the world. My performance at Junior Junior Model UN earned me an internship as a speech writer, but I wasn’t about to lie for that Illinoisian again…” “Looking back I realize I was not playing the oboe, the oboe was playing me, and I, a naïve high school sophomore, was out of tune…” “Guerrilla fighters continued to terrorize the small Peruvian village through the night. I was powerless, alone. I could not help one of them, let alone them all. But I could write this poem, high above the swirling
“My brains are pretty big too...” —P. Robalino
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MEET YOUR CLASSMATES Cradle Snatcher You’ve already met him on Facebook.
Burnout Once valedictorian and a National Merit Scholar, now he just plays Super Smash Brothers and and complains that he can’t get a B.S. in Political Science.
Third World Sleaze He’s from a different culture, so he has the right to grab your ass.
Frat Bro 184 beer pong victories, two personal opinions.
Edgy Bi A girl with the self-assurance of someone who gets to do in bed what you pay to see online.
Uncomfortable Conservative He came to Yale because his grandfather did, back when diversity meant your roommate was from upstate NY. Now he keeps a low profile.
Not-Yet-Out-ofthe-Closet Makes an excellent conversation topic.
Hipster Part of a movement to keep big colorful shoes in vogue for all eternity.
Enviro-Nut Who keeps closing the refrigerator door? It’s hot in here!
Slut This is a difficult word. When using it, make it clear that you’re being feminist rather than misogynistic. —S. Chaffetz
The Yale Record’s Guide to Extracurriculars The Yale Record has generously agreed to publish select statements from student organizations on campus. Read through them carefully, for whatever groups you decide to join could well determine your entire social circle for the rest of your college career. Or maybe not - just have some fun! Yale Symphony Orchestra: The YSO spends the first part of the year building up to our awesome Halloween show. We spend the rest of the year building down from it. Yale Daily News: Join the nation’s oldest and CRAZIEST college daily newspaper! Spend every night writing FARTicles and doing headlines off of strippers! It’ll be [sic]! Fraternities: Fraternities at Yale are dedicated to preserving a timehonored tradition of brotherhood and service. Institutions such as Sigma Chi and Alpha Epsilon Pi seek to enrich the Yale community by upholding strict policies of sobriety and cleanliness. See our offices at 300 York Street for application information. The Yale Political Union: If your excessive arguing or alcoholism has alienated you from your few remaining friends, it’s time to get some new ones. Herald: The second-most read student publication on campus, the Herald is widely recognized as being superior to the YDN because it’s published less frequently. YHHAP: YHHAP stands for the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project. This organization includes many subgroups that tirelessly work to keep New Haven residents hungry and homeless. Recent programs include “Stealing Food From People Who Have Food,” “Impersonating Social Workers,” and “Farewellfare.” Student Techs: Student techs are like the cool kids on campus. Imagine the coolest person you know - now make him look like Brad Pitt. Now make him be able to fix a computer. Now on a motorcycle. That’s a student tech. Model UN: Learn how to build famous scenes from United Nations history out of plywood and glue. Previous dioramas have included “Nikita Khrushchev Finally Kills Mosquito” and “Liberia Asks Too Many Questions.”
Freestyle Dueling Association: We meet weekly or bi-weekly to attack one another with foam swords, spears, and halberds on Old Campus. Depending on group interest, members might embark on semester-long foam quests to rescue foam damsels in foam distress, ultimately ending in foam eternal foam happiness foam. The Dramat: The Dramat is Yale’s oldest theatrical organization. They boast an impressive budget and access to many fantastic Yale resources. They also boast the feat of having never performed a Mamet play and damned if they’re starting now. Chess Club: Make some checkmates! Also one Czech mate in the form of our president Vladiv Kjorkivech. A Cappella: Instruments ruin music. Absolutely destroy it. As a member of a cappella, you won’t allow any instruments into music. You will break instruments and step on them. If you have a good singing voice or a powerful hatred, come see our showcase in Woolsey Hall. Yale Anti-Gravity Society: Do you hate obeying restrictive laws that you never voted for? Even natural ones? Then join YAGS, a recent offshoot of Yale Libertarians. Carillonneurs: Is your entire family from Belgium’s Carillon district? Then you might be eligible to join the Yale Carillonneurs, a group dedicated to preserving this ancient European bloodline. We breed twice a semester. St. Anthony’s Hall: If you like senior secret societies but hate that they’re secret, for seniors, and non-literary, you should join St. A’s. Yale Outdoors: `Cause Yale Indoors is for bitches. ISO: Our dance parties are the best. Because we all know how to dance. Because we’re from other countries. Because we were born there. The Slifka Center: A fun, colorful place for Jews. Rumpus: A quiz: Circle which of the following words you like most. Fart Penis Vagina Rumpus If you circled all four, then congratulations, you just made staff writer! YSECS: We can show you what’s behind those locked doors in SSS or WLH. Mostly brooms. Yale Precision Marching Band: Dum dum dee dum dum dum DOO DOO DOO Tring a ling a ling a ling a dee dee dee dee dee dah OOH WAH WAH WAAAAAH — M. Sonnenblick
A
TO THE
GUIDE UNDERGRADUATE
R E G U L AT I O N S Yale informs incoming freshmen of the cons of failing to follow its undergraduate regulations. The Record will now present you with the pros. By Alison Gates.
Hazing. In 1831, Louis Bruyere was pledging the Beta fraternity. On tap night, he had to eat his way out of a ten foot deep pit of Tarragon with his hands tied behind his back, survive a gladiatorial contest with a live cow in a sauna, wielding only a dull carrot as a weapon, and drink two gallons of seawater. He awoke days later and went to retrieve his pants. When he reached into his pocket, he found that the remnants of tap night had coagulated into the world’s first bouillon cube. Falsification of Documents. In 1916, Marty Toolsey altered his Yale identification card to read, “Marty Woolsey.” He was allotted Welch Hall as a freshman single, six untenured faculty members and a chaplain as servants, and Helen Harkness’s hand in marriage. Marty took all junior history seminars on an A+/A/Brilliant basis and fulfilled his science and math requirements by pointing at table salt and saying the word, “graph,” respectively. Every Friday evening, the gymnasium pool was filled with red wine and turned over to Marty for his “Wading and Wafting” party. He was able to send home many solid gold bulldogs to his parents, immigrant window washers. Riots. In 1967, students held an anti-war rally in Winchester Hall, a Yale building about to be torn down. The violent protesters did such damage to the building’s surface and structure that the cost to Yale of its demolition was significantly reduced. Yale was able to use this extra funding to construct its ROTC building. Improper Acknowledgement of Sources in an Essay. In 1777, Samuel Bracken took a course with his nemesis, Noah Webster. When writing his final paper, Samuel needed to include a point Noah had made during a class session. He acknowledged Mr. Webster entirely improperly, referring to him as, “Noah the Unwashd Dowltish Spleenliss Nittwit Pantiwayst Skalywag who waers a waistcote that semes to hav been downated to him bye a donky.” The paper eventually made its way to Noah and the numerous spelling errors in the blasphemous citation inspired him to embark on his famous dictionary project. Alcohol. In 1934, Patrick Laputz consumed several alcoholic beverages, despite being a mere 20 years of age. That evening, he beat a companion at an arm wrestling contest, laughed without reticence at an offcolor joke about a Rabbi and a Frenchman, and recited the prologue of the Canterbury Tales to a pile of linens. He had a generally pleasurable evening. That was the only time this rule has ever been violated.
Dans Yale Didn’t Use "Y 3 AND 6 .ARATIL
SEDAN
UGLY DAN
DANIEL RADCLIFFE RODIN
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TOP TEN THAI RESTAURANTS IN NEW HAVEN
Sex Signals
Thai Taste Taste of Thai House of Thai House of Tasty Thai Haunted Thai House Tasty Taste of House Thai Son of Thai Taste Taste That? That’s Thai The House That Pad Thai Built Bangkok Gardens —B. Orlin —J. Sun
The Prospects of Yale Women
—C. White
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THE RUM MIS-TAKEN
Pictionary with Freud
Two girls drank beer around a keg, And sorry I could not hit on each, I stared at one chick’s well-tanned leg, and thought, “She’s yours, you’ve made it, Greg!” And felt a hook-up in my reach. The other one was just as hot, And easier, for I could see She was long past her seventh shot, Though plentiful supply of pot Had ebbed their judgments equally. My mental state was in decline, But as we finished off my rum, Their blurry eyes stared into mine; I knew I neared the finish line And slid a hand over one’s bum. When asked for details, I’ll reply (As my poor head begins to pound): “Two girls threw up on me, and I, I panicked and began to cry, And passed out wasted on the ground.” —I. Strauss
—A. Von Plinsky
TIPS FOR WARDING OFF THE FRESHMAN 15 AND VAMPIRES Garlic gives any meal flavor without adding too many calories. Drink lots of holy water to feel full without taking in too much fatty dining hall food. Looking for a good workout? Try the iron cross. Blood thinners make blood clots less likely and blood less tasty. Avoid binge drinking; alcohol is full of calories and devoid of nutritional content, and if you’re drunk it can be difficult to tell the difference between a vampire and that Comp Sci major who stares at you through your window at night. If you have a steak/stake with you at all times you are doing something wrong/right. Look over your shoulder every few seconds because vampires cannot be seen in mirrors... especially if your reflection is taking up the whole damn thing, fatty.
—Staff
—J. Greenblatt
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STUDY BREAKS THE CALENDAR OF OPENING DAYS FORGOT TO MENTION “Death by Chocopologie” with the Office of Undergraduate Admissions Monday, 4:00 PM @ Undergraduate Admissions Office Last year, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions accidentally admitted too many students, resulting in a potentially uncomfortable housing situation for this year’s freshmen. To make up for this inconvenience, Undergrad Admissions is hosting a delicious study break catered by Chocopologie! These gourmet chocolates will be delicious, and will definitely not have been poisoned in an effort to correct the Office of Undergraduate Admissions’ mistake. “Not Drinking” with Not DKE Monday, 10:00 PM @ DKE House Last year, the Office of Student Affairs decided that freshmen should not be allowed to participate in fraternity and sorority rush events until the second semester of the year. Because their fraternity house will thus not be able to be used for freshmen events, the fraternity DKE has graciously allowed Yale Students for Responsibility (or some other Boy Scout group) to host an event in their house that doesn’t involve any drinking. It probably involves some sort of boring workshop on how to drink responsibly and have responsible sexual interactions. There will also be lame drinks like tea and fruit punch. Anyway, all of the freshmen should come, and it if any of them have an akefay it’d be nice for them to bring a andle-hay of ubra-Day. “We Have Culture, Too!” with the Caucasian Cultural House Tuesday, 11:00 AM @ TBD White students of Yale, do you ever feel as though your racial background is devoid of cultural significance? Good cultural significance, I mean – not all that tragic stuff about oppression and discrimination and – worst of all – putting Nicholas Cage in more movies. Well, we’re here to tell you that you, a white person, do have a claim to culture – even if you’re not gay or Jewish! Come to pleasant brunch with the Caucasian Cultural House, after which we will partake in a thrilling game of croquet. A variety of “white” foods will be served, from corn dogs to tuna salad to a fruit and cheese tray (we also ask that everyone bring a homemade casserole). Note: If no space can be found to host the brunch, “We Have Culture, Too!” will take place in one of Yale’s other four cultural houses.
“Movies and Munchies!” with the Film Studies Department Wednesday, 9:00 PM @ Every Residential College Movie Theater Think you might want to major in Film Studies, but worry that watching several movies a week might be a little too much work? Come give it a try now by watching movies with faculty from the Film Studies Department while partaking in some delicious New Haven food! Drop by Silliflicks for “The Thali Too Towers.” The Ezra Stiles Crescent Underground Theater will be hosting “It’s a Wenzelful Life.” Or stop by Calhoun for “Schindler’s List…of All the Different Kinds of Claire’s Cake!” —L. Sedlacek PHRASES TO USE IN YOUR LONG-DISTANCE BREAK-UP E-MAIL “Love is blind. Unfortunately, I’m not.” “…the xoxo’s in your last e-mail, which would only be described as ‘aggressive’…” “Our relationship is like the notebook. The one I keep under my pillow, saying how much I hate you.” “…the margarine of boyfriends…” “…I’ve enclosed photos of my new girlfriend, and I’m sure even you will agree that she’s way hotter than you.” “…you see, I’m gay. And yes, you’re a guy, but you’re also ugly.” “…although the report said it wasn’t contagious…” “On the plus side, I have some great tips for how you can improve your performance in bed!” “I didn’t realize how small your penis really was until I slept with all those other men.” “…a distance too great to be crossed by our love, or your three-and-a-half inch penis.” “I assure you, my cheating on you took even me by surprise…” “…the antidote should reach you in 3-5 business days…” “…I just think we need a break, for the sake of your selfesteem…” “It wasn’t always terrible…” “…but the 23rd thing you could have improved upon…” “Could you pass the salt?” “Yours always, jkjk…” “I hope that we can always stay exes…” —L. Sedlacek
New Haven’s oldest, biggest and best bike shop Come see us in our new downtown location at 151 Orange Street
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GIRLFRIEND GOES THERE Dear Yale a cappella groups, So, I love your music and all, and I think the fact that you’re singing in random spots around campus to try to recruit freshmen is really cool, but could you at least serenade me from the next stall over? —Maggie Beluni, TD ’16 who just wanted to use the bathroom, for God’s sake Dear Big Bang, Keep it down, will you?! I’m serious! I’m trying to work here! —God
JESSICA SIMPSON SUES TABLOID FOR NOT PHOTOSHOPPING PICTURE ENOUGH
Dear Fro-Yo, It appears the better abbreviation won. Congratulations. Dejectedly, Zen-Gurt Dear stormy oceans, That’s it. You’re off the Christmas cards. —The Spanish armada
YELLING, “ROADTRIP!” GETS OLD FIVE MINUTES BEFORE REACHING HIGHWAY Dear American public, I haven’t failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways not to create a light bulb. And at least a dozen of them are fantastic sex toys, so honestly, I’d call that a success! —Thomas Edison
TSA DISCOVERS MAN ATTEMPTING TO BOARD PLANE WHILE WEARING TURBAN Dear Asian fusion, You are both bad physics and bad teriyaki. —Quentin Jezek, ES ’14 Dear oranges, I can’t wait to peel your skin off and eat you. —An orange cannibal Dear Fred, You’ll never change me. —A counterfeit $100 bill
CAT CHOKES ON SWALLOW
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T he F reshman I ssue Dear Yale Record, I heard a joke today that made use of a commonly known stereotype and also contained some edgy sexual innuendo. Needless to say, I laughed for hours. Sincerely, Someone who’s just kidding
Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours
Dear sexy European TA, You’re a four! —A confused American trying to use the metric system
CONNECT FOUR CHANGES CATCH PHRASE FROM “PRETTY SNEAKY, SIS” TO “PRETTY SNEAKY, YOU CONNIVING BITCH” Dear Jurassic Park staffers who got eaten by dinosaurs, You deserved it. —Someone who does not believe that male short shorts are a legitimate fashion choice
Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM
Dear Father, Son, and the HOLY SHIT!!! —A man who was about to start praying before getting mauled by a bear
148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com
Starving child seeks food. Well-fed man seeks selfactualization.
Local breakfast & lunch café
s Zoi’ Orange on
Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM
Every Day Lunch Buffet
Zoi’s
Dear employee of Coffee Corner, When you gave me a cup with a label saying, “Caution: Contents may be hot,” I imagined that meant that if I spilled, I might get some minor burns on my hands that would heal after a day or two. I did not imagine that my hands would burst into flames, or that demons would force their way out of the lid of the cup and begin clawing at my face. So if you don’t mind, I’d like a refund. And get these demons off me. —Alec
ART THIEF RANSOMS SCREAM, DEMANDS 1000 WORDS
We Cater Hours: Monday - Thursday 7 am - 6 pm Friday Saturday 7am - 3 pm
7:30 am - 1:30 pm
338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735
White sitcom protagonist seeks ethnic best friend.
OFFICIAL YALE SHOP
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ON CAMPUS THE OLDEST
OFFICIAL YALE SHOP
ON CAMPUS
T he Y ale R ecord Dear writers of the song “Down by the Bay,” I have a new first verse for your song. Instead of, “Did you ever see a cat / wearing a hat?” it should henceforth be sung, “Did you ever see a marmoset / on the Greg and Dharma set?” —Thomas Gibson
PENNY PROSTITUTES, INC. LAUNCHES NEW AD CAMPAIGN: “OUR PROSTITUTES ARE NOT A DIME A DOZEN”
Dear Philip, I will not be able to join you for martinis tonight as I cannot hold a martini glass. —A cow
Dear Aunt Marcy, The hot dogs were cold, the pool smelled, and Cousin Frank is running around without pants. Signed, The state of reunion
Dear curious second-grader, I’m not afraid of seven because he ate nine. I’m afraid of seven because of how many handguns he can fit in his mouth while he’s tripping on PCP. —Six Dear pancakes, We’re secret versions of you.
Signed, Secret pancakes
DINING HALLS CREATE THREE NEW COMBINATIONS OF BROCCOLI, LEMON JUICE, AND OIL
Dear man with a raft, I see you are about to cross a river with your pet fox and some corn. Can I come, too? I hope my presence doesn’t unduly complicate things. —A chicken Dear obscure historical references, You frustrate me more than the Battle of Falkirk frustrated the Scottish in 1298. Sincerely, Frustrated in Falkirk
57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157
57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT Slimy, Satisfying, 203-789-2157
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Guide to Drunk New Haven Dining Zagat has selected the best drunk dining restaurants in New Haven based on our most recent survey. This list includes the top rated drunk dining New Haven restaurants as listed in our Connecticut guide.
Alpha Delta
15
5
10
$10
Described by customers as “wenzel,” “wenzel,” and “wenzel,” Alpha Delta is known for its classic sandwiches. But don’t ignore the “sickened” atmosphere, which is “like a hangover for your eyes.” The delivery, on the other hand, “still isn’t here, what the fuck?”, although some argue “Dude, you just ordered it like five minutes ago!”
Yorkside
20
15
15
$8
With pizza described as “not the worst” and “Did you know they serve Greek food here too?”, Yorkside is a popular destination among Yalies at all hours. However, make sure to stop by on a weekend after nearby Toad’s closes, in order to watch the parade of “naked” and “stumbling” QPac girls, who make sure to stop by a restaurant they call “Oh, God, it’s so warm in here”, “I’m starving”, and “Where am I?”
Something You Make Yourself
5
n/a
self
$3
You can’t beat the convenience of “Fuck it, let’s just make something here,” but it’s important to consider the risks, because “What do we have to make anything out of?” The innovative chef, you, has been known to “just throw everything together” and, many say, “it’ll be great.” Remember, though, you don’t have a car on campus, so “maybe don’t start any fires.” Beyond that, options abound, as long as you’re willing to find out the answer to questions like “Do Parmesan and hot sauce go together?” You may regret it in the morning, but it’ll have you saying “Oh man, this is so good, why have we never thought of this before?” all night.
Gourmet Heaven
15
15
self
$20
Most great New Haven nights include the phrase “Let’s go to G-Heav.” And there’s good reason; whether you want a “Bacon Egg Cheese”, a “fucking” Philly Cheesesteak, or “one of those weird fucking foreign candies that’s like kiwi or some shit,” you can’t go wrong. Plus, it’s hard to beat the convivial atmosphere, as you can expect to see “everybody I know” if you go at two in the morning. Be prepared to spend big though, as “this shit is expensive as shit”.
An Entire Bag of Chips
5
n/a
self
Found in the back of the cabinets where “I totally forgot I had this bag of chips,” nothing turns around a sad and drunken evening like plowing into these chips, which are “so good.” Frequent eaters warn, “I probably shouldn’t eat this whole bag” and “Oh man, I’m so fucking full,” but, given that they say it through a mouthful of chips, take it with a grain of salt (Get it?). Still, if you’re looking for healthier options, be sure to try to “share some of those fucking chips, Brad.” Written by M. Nobel - Designed by S. Shea
$1
Writers, Artists, Designers, Video Makers, Business-Minded Writers, Artists, Designers, Business-Minded PeoplePeople
Jokes and Free Pizza! EVERY MONDAY,AT 9PM WLH MEETINGS MONDAYS 9:00 PM112 IN LC 208