Vol. 139, No. 1
TH E YALE
Aug. 30, 2010
RECORD The Freshman Issue
Old Owl is bored. Why is he bored? He’s bored because he’s been reading the same humor for a whole year. He wants to see what the Class of ’14 has to say. That’s why we have the
TH E YALE
RECORD AMERICA’S OLDEST COLLEGE HUMOR MAGAZINE
Humor Contest Are you interested in writing or drawing funny stuff? Check out the rules and regulations at:
http://www.yalerecord.com/record-events/record-prize/
September 17 for a chance to win some of the $300 offered in cash prizes!
Enter a list, a short, or a cartoon by
Submission guidelines are given in the link, but all submissions and additional questions should be sent to recordprize@gmail.com.
Did you not enjoy the Record? Then you’re going to hate…
The Cucumber: Yale’s Only Regular Stand-Up Comedy Open Mic Night
Come to see the funniest people at Yale rant and rave about their summers or Yale or PBR or underwater basket-weaving or whatever it is college age comedians think about. The first show of the season is on Monday, August 30 at 11 PM in the Calhoun Cabaret (in the basement of Calhoun College). Bring all your friends!
1
Dear Skull and Bones, Scroll and Key, Book and Snake, etc., We are also a secret society. —Phil and Deb
Renaissance as Lame as Renaissance Fairs, Reports Time-traveling 13-Year-old
Homeless Man Arrested for Urinating in Subway, Customers Disgusted
Dear FOOT Group, I promise we’ll always be best friends until next week when I meet some people in my college. I know I can never have such a life changing experience again unless I am trapped somewhere with a bunch of strangers for a few days. Friends like you only come along several times in a lifetime. Before we part ways, let’s make sure everyone has everyone else’s number so that we all have a bunch of numbers to sit in our phones making it look like we have friends at school. I will love you guys forever for a little while, Will Bensen JE ‘14
Dear Topical Humor, So how about that election in Venezuela? —Tropical Humor Dear Yale Admissions, A quota of zero is still a quota! —Gila Monsters
Dear aging Olympian who is now fat and unemployed, I totally get you. —Zeus Dear water cracker, Why you be so white?
—Triscuit
Women Want a Good Listener, Insists Man with Tiny Penis Dear increasingly empty bottle of vodka, I really have to finighsh this English paper. I reallee haff to…finish…fukc it I forgot. Dear Stanley Kubric’s movies, You think you’re such a puzzle. —Stanley Rubikscube
2
The Yale Record
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! Man Mauled by All Three in Grisly Zoo Accident Dear attractive woman, Want a little captain in you? Wait, hold on—let me introduce myself. Captain James is my name. Also by a “little captain,” I mean my penis. Which is not little. Please have sex with me, Capt. James
Harold’s
Formal Wear Serving the Yale Community for over 60 years. Complete line of Formal Wear, perfect for all your choral needs, as well as any formal occasion. Come see our huge inventory of Bridal and special occasion dresses as well. Group Discounts or Student discounts for all tuxedo purchases.
Services include: Same day service Complementary measurements (for your out of town needs) Seamstress available by appointment 19 Elm Street • 203.562.4156
www.haroldsnewhaven.com
Dear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, How did you get so ripped? I’ve tried everything—please write back. —A struggling bodybuilder who has lost touch with reality
Study Says Blind People Have More Fun Dear US Navy, Although I have little nautical knowledge, I do have a history of crime-fighting that may be of use to you. Please consider me for training. Sincerely, Sailor Moon Dear Ladies’ Night, I henceforth prohibit you from using such an appellation until you acquire noble women of high pedigree. Sincerely, Queen Elizabeth II P.S. I thoroughly enjoyed the wet t-shirt contest last fortnight.
The Yale Record
123
4
Dear ghost that terrorizes me in my sleep, I know you say you want me to solve your murder and set your soul free, but elt’s make a deal—I’ll microwave you a burrito and we’ll call it even. Sincerely, Mike
Friend on Cocaine a Lot More Fun Than Regular Friend
The Yale Record
Dear peanut allergy, What a natural team—we’ll have this kid dead in no time. —Snickers bar Dear James Earl Jones, What if Darth Vader got in a fight with Mufasa? Who would win? Who would youroot for? Sincerely, Never Seen Breasts
Scientists Fear Spider Monkeys to Outnumber Both Spiders, Monkeys by 2016 Dear Imagination, Seriously? My girlfriend? That’s the best masturbation fantasy you could come up with? Sincerely, Disappointed
142
The Yale Record
You Know You Deserve It...
Hot stone therapy is now available at...
RIMAGÉ SALON & SPA Book your appointment today 203-562-4247 • appt.rimage@sbcglobal.net Weekly Haircut Specials (email us today)
1210 Chapel Street, New Haven
6
The Yale Record
Richard The Lionhearted’s Nickname Revealed To Be Subtle, Desperate Call For Organ Transplant Dear Mr. Vice President, The uncanny resemblance of our names has again resulted in me receiving several thousand letters on the topic of global warming, and you receiving my last three issues of Android Monthly. —A.I. Gore
Tiny Robots NOT Infiltrating Minds Of Record Staff 1011010100 Dear GQ, You may be suave and handsome, but you’ll never replace me as the ultimate measure of manliness! Triumphantly, BBQ Dear Wales, We’re flattered, but we were really hoping a country with such a powerful name wouldn’t be so, oh, how do you say... lame? Maybe “Seals” or “Dolphins” would work better. Sincerely, Whales
Nosferatu Installment Of Twilight A Costly Misstep
Reliable, Authoritative, Crepuscular
5 9 . $2
A
h, freshman year. I was once like you—arriving starry-eyed on campus, lugging my bags across Old Campus, awkwardly meeting my confused-looking suitemates, putting my things away in the few cabinets available beneath the blackboard, trying to put my sheets on a bed that looked suspiciously like a table and chairs. My suitemates and I would stay up until the wee hours talking about Shakespeare and Moby Dick and Shakespeare. I could never figure out where the showers were. People would just barge into my room and sit down for hours at a time wanting guidance for papers they were writing. Turns out Linsley-Chittenden Hall is not a freshman dorm as I had thought, and the English department staff does not like you referring to them as your “suitemates.” That’s my way of saying, welcome, freshmen! May you have similar character-building experiences during your first days at this venerable institution. Whether it be in Sterling Chemistry Lab or that creepy grad student’s bedroom, you are definitely going to have some experimental learning experiences. You may at this point be saying, “Wow, college seems like a swell place,” or “I can’t wait to start taking classes here,” or “Let me assure you, freshman girls, not all grad
9
The Yale Record
students are creepy.” Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that this is an exhilarating time full of opportunity and workshops about race, gender, and sexuality. I myself had a rocky beginning to freshman year, a consequence of homesickness, high expectations, and a crippling need to ruin every social interaction I had: Boy in popped collar: “What’s your name?” Me: “Melissa. It means honeybee in ancient Greek. But I really hate bees, you know?” Boy [coolly]: “My father here is a world-renowned bee expert.” So let me impart some advice to you, little honeybees, before you accidentally reply-all to a panlist or sleep with half of the crew team. I’ve made these mistakes so that you don’t have to. First, forge as many superficial friendships as possible. While it’s nice to have real friends at Yale for those days when things just aren’t going your way (read: any day other than Sundae Sunday), superficial friends are handy for other occasions. None of your real friends are available for dinner? Call a superficial friend. You need to borrow a car, but none of your real friends have one? Call a superficial friend. You have blood all over your hands and this body isn’t going to move itself? Call a superficial friend. Second, study really hard. That way, years later, when
you deliver your son to this campus and some punkass kid tells him she doesn’t like bees, you can say, “Hey, I’m a fucking bee expert. Look at this Ph.D.” while gesturing to a part of your body that is probably not a Ph.D. Thirdly, and most importantly, join a humor magazine. A humor magazine is a great place to meet people, and, as the old adage goes, humor heals all wounds, unless your wounds have become infected with gangrene. Conveniently, the Record, yes, the very magazine you hold in your hands now, is the oldest and funniest humor magazine in the good ol’ US of A. We’re a friendly group, but not too friendly—we do have fight club every Thursday—and we’d love to hear all your juicy (or juiceless, as the case may be) freshman indiscretions. So come to one of our meetings, get to know us, eat some pizza, and make some jokes. Take note: bee jokes will not be tolerated.
The Yale Record September 2010
Chairman: Jordy Greenblatt ‘11
Editor-in-Chief: Melissa Chiasson ‘11 Publisher: Jerry Wang ‘13, Design Editor: Ngozi Ukazu ‘13 Managing Editors: River Clegg ‘11, Jacob Paul ‘13, Dana Zhu ‘12 Art Director: Paul Robalino ‘12 Staff Director: David Kemper ‘13 Supplementals Editor: Nina Beizer ‘12 Online Editor: Wesley Bolin ‘12 Business Manager: Alli Hugi ‘13 Publicity Manager: Lincoln Sedlacek ‘13, Editor-at-Large: Alison Gates ‘11 Staff Writers and Artists: Ari Berkowitz ‘12, Dounia Bredes ‘11, Simon Chaffetz ‘12, Tasha Garcia ‘11, Zack Kagin ‘11, Adi Kamdar ‘12, Nell Klugman ‘12, Stephanie Naratil ‘11, Valerie Naratil ‘11, Mark Sonnenblick ‘12, Brendan Ternus ‘12, Bill Toth ‘11 Contributing Writers and Artists: Jacob Abolafia ‘10, Reuxben Barrientes ‘10, Adam Bildersee ‘09, Michael W. Harris ‘09, David Klumpp ‘10, Babe Liberman ‘11, Claire Mulaney ‘10, Ben Orlin ‘09, Stan Seiden ‘10, Simon Swartzman ‘10 Old Owl: Judd Rosenblatt ‘11 Senior Editors: Emily Sigman ‘11, Jessica Bolhack ‘11 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and summer vacation Cover: This month’s cover was designed by Tasha Garcia and her roommate Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXXXX, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com • Subscriptions: $30/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2009 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
Great Deals in Shopping Period Directed Studies—As a young teenager coming to Yale from suburban California or suburban New York or suburban Chicago, it might be easy to forget that you’re now an integral link in the glorious chain of Western history. Why try to fight destiny? Whatever you thought was your cultural heritage, forget it, and embrace the togas and powder wigs of your new forefathers. You’ll be making Thucydides puns and noble savage knockknocks with your new cousins in no time. Porn in the Morn—If you’ve ever had sex with the lights on, then this class should be an easy A, and could teach you an easy O. But if you get annoyed that the word “unmentionables” causes a room to break out in jocky giggles, maybe you should consider steering clear. Try “Poon at Noon” instead. Introduction to the Theory of Literature— You may not think you’ll like this class, but just wait: you’ll be stung by the WASP. Get ready, though, for intensive speech therapy to cull out “Derridean” and “Performativity” from your vocabulary, because fake words were never meant to be voiced out loud at parties. Introductory Microeconomics—Don’t let the name fool you; this class is huge. Huger than huge. Anyone who’s everyone is in this lecture. Tell all your friends. Now that all your friends know, do you want all your friends to pass you by? Not getting in on this class would be crazy, and would leave you poor. Do you want to be that crazy, poor guy on the street, or do you want
to be that crazy rich guy on Wall Street? That’s what we thought. Any Random Art History/Film Studies Course—Maybe you actually enjoying looking at art and watching movies, or maybe you just like looking at aesthedicks and watching the mise-en-scenesters. Either way, it’s easy to write papers when every opinion is valid and grades are given out in lollipops. Harold Bloom Rambles for Two Hours a Week—It’s said that all you need to get a B from Bloom is a B-cup or larger. He doesn’t grade on a curve, he grades on curves. He’s like the Yale dragon who demands one town maiden each year and in return writes self-involved books about Shakespeare and the greatness of Man. And we all love him for it. —S. Swartzman
New Distributional Requirements for the Class of 2014 A seminar with a creepy old dude. A class that is too fucking early Consecutive classes that are too far apart A class with more midterms than you expected A class where grade assignments are totally unfair A class you can’t get into Two QR classes —A. Bildersee
11
T he Y ale R ecord
Secret Secret Societies Although Secret Societies have long been a treasured part of Yale’s history, it often seems as though these societies have lost their right to be called secret. Their histories can be found online, student publications publish yearly roundups of their membership, and society tap night has recently been added to the farmer’s almanac. Fortunately, some secret societies have remained true to their covert origins. Yes, these are Yale’s truly secret Secret Societies, never before mentioned in print or at a volume greater than 20 deciBels. Cloak and Dagger Cloak and Dagger was founded in 1962, after two students accidentally killed one of their roommates and swore an oath not to tell a soul. Both were awful secret keepers and had told seven people each within hours, so the 16 students decided they needed a sounder method of keeping their secret secret. Every Cloak and Dagger tap is told the exact story of what happened that fateful night and then sworn to secrecy. The founders were apprehended and tried publicly in 1964, but the tradition remains.
The Real Skull and Bones The Real Skull and Bones is actually and truly Yale’s oldest Secret Society. It was formed approximately 12 minutes before the much better known “fake” Skull and Bones when two students, Woodrow “Buddy” Larkin and Darren “Weebles” Weebler overheard Skull and Bones’ would-be founders discussing the idea and decided to beat them to it. The Real Skull and Bones headquarters is located directly below the purported Skull and Bones headquarters, which members take advantage of by spending meetings knocking on pipes and making ghost noises. ??????? and ???????? The ???????? and ????? Society is only secret in that no one knows their name. Meetings are highly public, and although they all begin with society members in masks and robes, the only point of these vestments seems to be to draw attention to members. Once a small crowd gathers, members take off their masks and gowns, yell out their names, and proceed with their meeting. —S. Seiden
Leaf and Fountain Leaf and Fountain is and will always be Yale’s smallest society, in that its active and alumni members in total will never exceed 60. The founders stumbled upon the secret to eternal youth, a secret they have guarded in their catacombs beneath Yale’s power plant since1924. Every year, rather than graduate, seniors re-apply to Yale under false names and then re-tap the rising senior class. True to their roots, members continue to dress and speak as though it were 1924-1927. This has generally gone unnoticed.
Gross Domestic Product
N. Beizer
Branch and Stream Branch and Stream was formed solely to claim the record held by Leaf and Fountain. Unfortunately, without the amazing rejuvenating technology, the organization had to resort to harsher methods. Since their inception, it has been every senior class’ most important duty to find and kill the oldest class of living alumni. Alumni’s attempts to hide have actually given rise to several other organizations, including the Zapatistas, Herzegovinian Liberationists Movement, and Canada’s Whig party.
12
T he Y ale R ecord
What Your Major Says About You!
Davenport. You?
Stiles.
Oh.
Sorry.
B. Liberman
Blueprints for the new residential colleges further speculation that Yale employs a gender quota.
S. and V. Naratil
Chinese Language and Literature: You’re interested in job assurance. English Language and Literature: You’re terrified by job assurance. Latin Language and Literature: You’re interested in job assurance between 27 BC and 476 AD. Sociology: You didn’t have friends in high school and you’re a bit confused about your major. Geology and Astronomy Double Major: You want to be a rock star. Chem/Phys/Molecular Biology: You like acronyms like MCDB and MB&B because you’re a BAMF. Religious Studies: You’re an atheist. Computer Science: 0110001001101111011011110110001001110011 —A. Berkowitz
Oh, what college are you in?
13
T he Y ale R ecord
Meet Your Classmates Cradle Snatcher You’ve already met him on Facebook.
Burnout Once valedictorian and a National Merit Scholar, now he just plays Super Smash Brothers and complains that porn in the morn isn’t a science credit.
Third World Sleaze He’s from a different culture, so he has the right to grab your ass.
Frat Bro 184 beer pong victories, two personal opinions.
Edgy Bi A girl with the self-assurance of someone who gets to do in bed what you pay to see online.
Uncomfortable Conservative He came to Yale because his grandfather did, back when diversity meant your roommate was from upstate NY. Now he keeps a low profile.
Not-Yet-Out-ofthe-Closet Makes an excellent conversation topic.
Hipster Part of a movement to keep big colorful shoes in vogue for all eternity.
Enviro-Nut Who keeps closing the refrigerator door? It’s hot in here!
Slut This is a difficult word. When using it, make it clear that you’re being feminist rather than misogynistic. —S. Chaffetz
The Yale Record’s Guide to Extracurriculars The Yale Record has generously agreed to publish select statements from student organizations on campus. Read through them carefully, for whatever groups you decide to join could well determine your entire social circle for the rest of your college career. Or maybe not just have some fun! Yale Symphony Orchestra: The YSO spends the first part of the year building up to our awesome Halloween show. We spend the rest of the year building down from it. Yale Daily News: Join the nation’s oldest and CRAZIEST college daily newspaper! Spend every night writing FARTicles and doing headlines off of strippers! It’ll be [sic]! Fraternities: Fraternities at Yale are dedicated to preserving a timehonored tradition of brotherhood and service. Institutions such as Delta Kappa Epsilon, Sigma Chi and Alpha Epsilon Pi seek to enrich the Yale community by upholding strict policies of sobriety and cleanliness. See our offices at 300 York Street for application information. The Yale Political Union: If your excessive arguing or alcoholism has alienated you from your few remaining friends, it’s time to get some new ones. Herald: The second-most read student publication on campus, the Herald is widely recognized as being superior to the YDN because it’s published less frequently. YHHAP: YHHAP stands for the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project. This organization includes many subgroups that tirelessly work to keep New Haven residents hungry and homeless. Recent programs include “Stealing Food From People Who Have Food,” “Impersonating Social Workers,” and “Farewellfare.” Student Techs: Student techs are like the cool kids on campus. Imagine the coolest person you know--now make him look like Brad Pitt. Now make him be able to fix a computer. Now on a motorcycle. That’s a student tech. Model UN: Learn how to build famous scenes from United Nations history out of plywood and glue. Previous dioramas have included “Kofi Annan Shows Up Late” and “Liberia Asks Too Many Questions.”
Freestyle Dueling Association: We meet weekly or bi-weekly to attack one another with foam swords, spears, and halberds on Old Campus. Depending on group interest, members might embark on semester-long foam quests to rescue foam damsels in foam distress, ultimately ending in foam eternal foam happiness foam. The Dramat: The Dramat is Yale’s oldest theatrical organization. They boast an impressive budget and access to many fantastic Yale resources. They also boast the feat of having never performed a Mamet play and damned if they’re starting now. Chess Club: Make some checkmates! Also one Czech mate in the form of our president Vladiv Kjorkivech. A Cappella: Instruments ruin music. Absolutely destroy it. As a member of A Cappella, you won’t allow any instruments into music. You will break instruments and step on them. If you have a good singing voice or a powerful hatred, come see our showcase in Woolsey Hall. Yale Anti-Gravity Society: Do you hate obeying restrictive laws that you never voted for? Even natural ones? Then join YAGS, a recent offshoot of Yale Libertarians. Carillonneurs: Is your entire family from Belgium’s Carillon district? Then you might be eligible to join the Yale Carillonneurs, a group dedicated to preserving this ancient European bloodline. We breed twice a semester. St. Anthony’s Hall: If you like senior secret societies but hate that they’re secret, for seniors, and non-literary, you should join St. A’s. Yale Outdoors: ‘Cause Yale Indoors is for bitches. ISO: Our dance parties are the best. Because we all know how to dance. Because we’re from other countries. Because we were born there. The Slifka Center: A fun, colorful place for Jews. Rumpus: A quiz: Circle which of the following words you like most. Fart Penis Vagina Rumpus If you circled all four, then congratulations, you just made staff writer! YSECS: We can show you what’s behind those locked doors in SSS or WLH. Mostly brooms. Yale Precision Marching Band: Dum dum dee dum dum dum DOO DOO DOO Tring a ling a ling a ling a dee dee dee dee dee dah OOH WAH WAH WAAAAAH — M. Sonnenblick
CONNECTIQUETTE Ah, Connecticut. A trove of the courteous and well-bred. Home to America’s most expensive institutions of private education, third largest treasury, and a tragic zoning misprint that placed New Haven in the heartland of American urbanity as opposed to its intended location in lower Detroit. For 370 years Connecticut has refined not only its very own pewter for tea set smelting, but its codes of conduct as well, thusly allowing us to present here excerpts from Danforth Langley’s Tote-Along Almanacke of Connetiquette: Niceties, ComeThe-Welles, and Agreeable Wonts for the Modern-Minded Gentleperson: ”Sneeze when one’s able, but not at the table.” If you absolutely must sneeze, sneeze on the cook. If no cook is present, sneeze into your breast pocket. (A gentleman sneezes into his left, a gentlelady into her right).
For a young man about to begin work at his first place of employment, keep the adage “a broom for the groom and a knife for the wife!” or a similar useful witticism, on your person at all times. You will likely find it comes in handy!
While on tour of a host’s home, clapping one’s hands beneath the master bed is most discourteous, unless you should spot some small pest that needs affrighting (such as a hedgehog, or an orphan). Forward-thinking home-owners will purchase a bed with no such berth, thus discouraging both small homeless creatures and the churlish clapping impulses of your guest.
”Small dog at morning, big dog at noon. A cat in a hat is yesterday’s boon!”
A “new haven” is a recently discovered place of respite. That phrase has no other meaning, as you are well to remind any who might ask.
One really mustn’t read any works by Jane Austen, particularly while traveling.
A spoon is for scooping, not for filping. If you absolutely must filp, filp on the cook. ”To shake a hand is nice enough, to shake a man is rather rough.” When caroling in wintertime, commenting that the wintertime air is quite frigid enough to “tether a bellcart,” or any other such coarse language, is unacceptable in the presence of ladies. When disciplining one’s children in public, avoid spitting, or using consonants. S. SEIDEN is either a staffer, a guest contributor, or a fake person.
Camping is for the lower class. When looking for an invigorating, sprightly activity for the lads and yourself, consider a good roustabout. If there are no pastries or wickets on hand, a spell of welterkump might be just the thing.
It is a choff of a man who holds the door for his ladyfriend and denies the service to other ladies present. The true gentleman holds the door for all ladies attending, and then stands there awkwardly as more people enter the establishment because now you’ve already started holding the door, so you can’t just let it go, but it’s really annoying because everyone’s already sitting down and how are you supposed to find your table now? And that couple’s still a good ten feet away, do I have time to go now? Ah, darn it, too late. That is a true gentleman. When one has eaten something disagreeable, it is terrible manners to spit out the offensive morsel on to your plate while seated at the table. Retire first to the kitchen, or, if you can not bear the trek, request that the cook come to you.
Danforth Langley, Connecticutʼs “First Man of Manners,” before his fatal flight.
Photo by N. Beizer
A
TO THE
GUIDE UNDERGRADUATE
R E G U L AT I O N S Yale informs incoming freshmen of the cons of failing to follow its undergraduate regulations. The Record will now present you with the pros. By Alison Gates.
Hazing. In 1831, Louis Bruyere was pledging the Beta fraternity. On tap night, he had to eat his way out of a ten foot deep pit of Tarragon with his hands tied behind his back, survive a gladiatorial contest with a live cow in a sauna wielding only a dull carrot as a weapon, and drink two gallons of seawater. He awoke days later and went to retrieve his pants. When he reached into his pocket, he found that the remnants of tap night had coagulated into the world’s first bouillon cube. Falsification of Documents. In 1916, Marty Toolsey altered his Yale identification card to read, “Marty Woolsey.” He was allotted Welch Hall as a freshman single, six untenured faculty members and a chaplain as servants, and Helen Harkness’s hand in marriage. Marty took all junior history seminars on an A+/A/Brilliant basis and fulfilled his science and math requirements by pointing at table salt and saying the word, “graph,” respectively. Every Friday evening, the gymnasium pool was filled with red wine and turned over to Marty for his “Wading and Wafting” party. He was able to send home many solid gold bulldogs to his parents, immigrant window washers. Riots. In 1967, students held an anti-war rally in Winchester Hall, a Yale building about to be torn down. The violent protesters did such damage to the building’s surface and structure that the cost to Yale of its demolition was significantly reduced. Yale was able to use this extra funding to construct its ROTC building. Improper Acknowledgement of Sources in an Essay. In 1777, Samuel Bracken took a course with his nemesis, Noah Webster. When writing his final paper, Samuel needed to include a point Noah had made during a class session. He acknowledged Mr. Webster entirely improperly, referring to him as, “Noah the Unwashd Dowltish Spleenliss Nittwit Pantiwayst Skalywag who waers a waistcote that semes to hav been downated to him bye a donky.” The paper eventually made its way to Noah and the numerous spelling errors in the blasphemous citation inspired him to embark on his famous dictionary project. Alcohol. In 1934, Patrick Laputz consumed several alcoholic beverages, despite being a mere 20 years of age. That evening, he beat a companion at an arm wrestling contest, laughed without reticence at an offcolor joke about a Rabbi and a Frenchman, and recited the prologue of the Canterbury Tales to a pile of linens. He had a generally pleasurable evening. That was the only time this rule has ever been violated.
Dans Yale Didn’t Use "Y 3 AND 6 .ARATIL
SEDAN
UGLY DAN
DANIEL RADCLIFFE RODIN
Yale University
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams? Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses? 2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs? Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team. 3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research? Independent research is an integral part of Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance. 4. What should I buy for my room? The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as couch, TV, and diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time. 5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year? While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring! 6. What is the average class size? “Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my intro to English writing seminar?” the answer is no. 7. Do Yale students study abroad? Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border. 8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students? Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately. 9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones? Why yes! 10. How can I make friends at Yale? Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center. —J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp
Dining Hall Comment Cards Feedback By S. Seiden
22
T he Y ale R ecord
Excerpts
In an effort to recognize achievement by members of the freshman class, the Yale Department of Admissions has released to The Yale Record the top admissions essays from 2014. Below are various excerpts. “It was an average autumn day. I was leading a gaggle of blind ducklings across a bridge I fashioned from my belt and several #2 pencils when I fainted because I had donated twice the recommended amount of blood earlier that morning. Luckily Alfred was able to step in and take charge. He was the shrewdest of my mini mallard friends…” “‘Well, President Clinton, I’ll tell you what my definition of is is!’ I was only 8 years old and pointing my finger in the face of the most powerful man in the world.
My performance at Junior Junior Model UN earned me an internship as a speech writer, but I wasn’t about to lie for that Arkansan again…” “Looking back I realize I was not playing the oboe, the oboe was playing me, and I, a naïve high school sophomore, was out of tune…” “Guerrilla fighters continued to terrorize the small Peruvian village through the night. I was powerless, alone. I could not help one of them let alone them all. But I could write this poem, high above the swirling bullets and foreign screams…” “I am forever grateful that my status as His Highness Grand Archduke Ayatollah Windsor II never stopped me from having a normal childhood.” —C. Mulaney
BUDGET CRISIS!
R. Barrientes
Last year, President Levin announced that departments all across the university were being asked to reduce their fiscal expenses by 7.5%. But it doesn’t stop there. Here are further budget cuts Levin doesn’t want you to know about: Hipsters are asked to be 7.5% less hip. Premedical students will be 7.5% less sociable DUH will be 7.5% less accurate in diagnosing male pregnancy The homosexuality rate will fall to “One in 4.3, maybe more.” Section assholes will be 7.5% quieter. Sports teams will win 7.5% fewer games, except for men’s basketball, which will hold steady at 0-24. Quinnipiac girls will wear 7.5% less clothing Provost Salovey’s mustache will be 7.5% less majestic. Science classes will be moved 7.5% farther from central campus Carilloneurs will miss 7.5% more notes YUAG auditorium seats will be made 7.5% less comfortable What a terrible calamity!
23
T he Y ale R ecord
Ivy Noodle fortune cookies will be 7.5% less predictive Purple ice cream will be 7.5% more prevalent Skull and Bones will be 7.5% less secretive The archaeology department will steal 7.5% fewer Peruvian artifacts The Gutenberg Bible will be 7.5% less authentic Sex in the stacks will be 7.5% less pleasurable Every college will be moved down one slot in the Tyng Cup rankings Grade inflation will decrease to 7.5% —A. Bildersee
Either smoking or drinking causes lung cancer so it’s probably safest to avoid both of them. Or is it exercise? The word “flu” spelled backwards becomes “ulf,” or a powerful elf. Anything from a contaminated mosquito to bad dreams can lead to infection, so keep a fly swatter and a dream catcher by your bed at all times. Finally, remember that while our well-trained medical staff is not necessarily overseen by “doctors,” we have plenty of witch doctors and organ harvesters ready to see you with two weeks notice. —J. Greenblatt
Top Ten Thai Restaurants in New Haven Thai Taste Taste of Thai House of Thai House of Tasty Thai Haunted Thai House Tasty Taste of House Thai Son of Thai Taste Taste That? That’s Thai The House That Pad Thai Built Bangkok Gardens
—B. Orlin
DUH Health Tips for Incoming Freshman
What terrible calamari!
R. Barrientes
If you feel nauseated, stuffed up, or feverish, you are probably just pregnant, especially if you are a woman. While it is well known that the average human eats 8 spiders in his/her sleep in a given year, it is not as well know that the average spider eats 8 humans in his/her sleep in a given year.
24
T he Y ale R ecord
Historic Harvard/Yale Pranks 1704–Graduating Yale ministers conduct first “panty raid” against Harvard men, creating a sexual tension between the two institutions that now manifests itself mostly on the football field. 1736–Drunken Harvard freshman Samuel Adams steals the false teeth of aging professor Harold Bloom, forcing him to fashion a new set out of pine pitch and walrus tusk. 1874–Undercover Harvard students convince Yale to name new dormitory after notable alum John C. Calhoun. 1939–Posing as a Yale student, John F. Kennedy begins three-day orgy in which entire male undergraduate population is sexiled at once. 1952–Harvard community hides in terror as Yale students trick-or-treat in Cambridge disguised as Joe McCarthy.
1961–Harvard dispatches prank construction crew to perpetrate Morse and Stiles colleges; seemingly out of spite, Yale begins housing students and employing staff there. 1964–After vandalizing much of Harvard Yard, George W. Bush crashes car through one of Harvard’s oldest classrooms; Harold Bloom is asked to make repairs using pine pitch and walrus tusk. 1985–Yale gets Chicago Bears to don blue and compete against Harvard in the Game; William “the Refrigerator” Perry is penalized for delay of game after eating entire Crimson offensive line. 1993–Harvard students stage protest outside a Yale Political Union debate, creating the cruel illusion that people care about the Yale Political Union. 2009–Undercover Harvard students convince President Levin to name new residential college after noted alum C. Montgomery Burns. —R. Clegg
Tips for Warding Off the Freshman 15 and Vampires
“I hate Harvard. Harvard students are the worst.”
S. and V. Naratil
(Five months earlier…)
“How can I possibly choose between Harvard and Yale?”
· Garlic gives any meal flavor without adding too many calories. · Drink lots of holy water to feel full without taking in too much fatty dining hall food. · Looking for a good workout? Try the iron cross. · Blood thinners make blood clots less likely and blood less tasty. · Avoid binge drinking; alcohol is full of calories and devoid of nutritional content and if you’re drunk it can be difficult to tell the difference between a vampire and that comp sci major who stares at you through your window at night · If you have a steak/stake/with you at all times you are doing something wrong/right · Look over your shoulder every few seconds because vampires cannot be seen in mirrors... especially if your reflection is taking up the whole damn thing, fatty —J. Greenblatt
25
T he Y ale R ecord
Alternate Pre-Orientation Programs Blood Harvest—While everyone knows Yale’s sustainable farming pre-orientation program, Yale is proud to introduce Blood Harvest, the sustainable slaughtering pre-orientation program. Raise and take care of cute pigs for two weeks before sending them off to the industrial slaughterhouse to make bacon for Sunday morning. Milk Bessie and then round up her calves with a cattle prod to ship them out to the feedlot. These psychological traumas will bond you irrevocably to the other Yalies in the program—it will be an experience you talk about for years to come! Orientation for International Students—Everybody seems to think that the international students coming to Yale need an orientation. Seriously, if you’re an international student who got into Yale, you can probably figure out how to open a bank account in New Haven. This year, the orientation will focus on how you can use your mysterious international allure to your advantage, from avoiding public urination tickets to convincing your English professor that writing your paper in your native language was a way of expressing your alienation. FONT (Freshman Outdoors Non-orientation Trips)—Choose between 4 and 7-day camping trips out to nearby natural areas with other incoming freshman. Do not confuse this program with FOOT. During FONT, interaction between students will be kept to a minimum, and discussion of Yale and New Haven will be strictly forbidden.
The Republic: Socrates and friends hypothesize about the perfect city. Most philosophers have noted its impracticality, particularly its lack of WiFi hotspots. Odyssey: Odysseus charters a ship, goes on a lot of badass, brotastic adventures and, unlike his crew, manages not to die. Iliad: Reading about 1,186 Greek ships isn’t so bad if they’re relevant to the story and the poetry is beautiful. They’re not and it’s not. Bible: Part mythology, part Charlton Heston western, part zombie movie, part epistolary novel. Most literary critics consider Jesus a Harry Potter figure. Apocrypha: Don’t have oral sex: that’s how weasels get pregnant. (Barnabas 9:9) Paradise Lost: Contains hundreds of puns that you will never notice. Reveals Milton’s revision of Christian theology where God is really passive aggressive all the time. The Waste Land: “April is the cruelest month.” That’s really the only line you’ll ever need to quote at a cocktail party, because the rest of it is indecipherable. The Prince: Lying, cheating, and manipulating are the qualities a prince must have. Princesses need fuckme pumps, big hair, and glitter. —M.W. Harris
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE GAY
N. Beizer
Cultural Defections—Yale students take pride in the vast number of different cultural traditions on campus. That being said, many students find that the culture they were born into no longer suits their needs. At Cultural Defections, students can take stock of the many cultures at Yale they can adopt as their own. Tired of being a plain old Midwest cracker? You have so many choices, from broad cultural groups like the South Asian Society to smaller niche clubs like the Albanian Students Association. Whatever cultural zest you are missing, you are sure to find it at Cultural Defections. —M. Chiasson
2-Line Summaries of All The DS Reading
Things Overheard in the Bread Line
throughout the history of literature. As the Fisher King laments in “The Waste Land,” “these fragments I have “They should combine the bread line and the bread shored against my ruin,” an example of the history of voucher line.” thought as failed accomplice in an intensely personal battle “Man, fuck bread!” against time itself; Shakespeare betrays a similar despon“Which of you assholes double parked my Porsche?” dency in his Sonnet 73, mourning his own decaying “time “I hope this bread is topologically sound.” of year” absent the bluster he displays in assuring himself “This is the worst thing since the sliced bread line.” and his audience that his work will guarantee him immor“I haven’t taken a shit in two weeks.” tality. But as Hamlet himself declares, “There are more “It’s too bad you have to walk through the meat, cheese and things in heaven and earth…than are dreamt of in [any] lettuce lines to get to the other bread line.” philosophy,” and it is this timeless paradox that (NAME “I hope they have the caviar rolls today.” OF THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR) grapples with here, “Dr. Atkins, what are you doing here?” ultimately emerging victorious.” “Things have been difficult since I was fired from the —N. Klugman breadline.” —Staff
The All-Purpose Humanities Essay
N. Beizer
Simply fill in the blanks with your applicable selections, stick in some quotes from the middle of the book (to prove you read it), and you’re in business! “Throughout the history of Western thought, authors have examined (ONE-WORD SUMMARY OF TOPIC) in an attempt to understand its practical and philosophical implications. Nowhere is this theme explored more trenchantly—or with greater passion—than in (NAME OF WORK), (AUTHOR’S) masterful study of man’s futile struggle against (NATURE/MORTALITY/ HIMSELF) In this work, (S/HE—J/K! CLEARLY HE) engages the entirety of Western thought in a moving dialogue that probes at the very nature of humanity, with clear parallels to Hamlet, Critique of Pure Reason, and The Wasteland; it is essentially a modern work (INSERT “FOR ITS TIME PERIOD” IF APPLICABLE) that functions as an elegy for its predecessors. Nowhere are these themes as clear as in the author’s treatment of (SECONDARY CHARACTER), an incisively non-committal representation of the ultimate futility of idealism and society’s inexorable need to reach acceptance of larger social ills. As a foil for (NAME OF MAIN CHARACTER—OFTEN HELPFULLY FOUND IN THE TITLE OF THE WORK), (S/ HE) serves as the pragmatic foe of Romantic ideals. Ultimately, the work functions as a metaphysical commentary upon the nature of art, serving as a testament to the author’s power even today. Being forgotten or losing recognition has served as mankind’s most powerful foe
28
The Yale Record
College Street Cycles Repair,Apparel andAccessories Mon-Thurs. 10:00-7:00
Bike Locks
Dear Harvard Admissions, I would say you lowered me, but you never had me. —Standards
Shifting, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels All Repairs Welcome All Repairs Welcome Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs
Apparel Apparel
Cold Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts Protective Protective Equipment Equipment
Accessories Accessories
Fri-Sat 10:00-5:00
Dear Record, Before the economy crashed, I was hoping to retire and open up a little bistro. But the last two years have revealed painful truths, such as that I am not exactly sure what a bistro is. Advice? —A Hardworking American
Repair Repair
Full Full Selection Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories
Dear Redheaded Women, I have read that because so many redheads have babies with nonredheads, pure redheaded-ness will be extinct in ten generations. I wish to grieve and hasten this process. Free for baby-making this weekend, Steve
FOOTie Brimming With Enthusiasm, Parasites
Leading Experts Agree, You Are More Fun When You’re Drunk Dear Robbie, When you invited me to your house for a BBQ party, I was under the impression BBQ stood for barbecue. I was not aware that it could also stand for Black Bears Quarterly, your new magazine. If you find my kidney in the backyard sometime soon, please do not hesitate to contact me. Sincerely, Paul
The Yale Record Dear scarecrow, Oh, I get it, you scare crows, therefore you are a scarecrow. But put any other verb and noun together to form a new noun denoting the exact same thing, and people just ridicule you. This is bullshit, A frightenraven
Send for Booklet!
Dear Creationists, I’ve heard of the “half an eye” argument, which is that organs can’t have evolved gradually, because, for example, what good is half an eye? Even more persuasive is the “half a mustache” argument—if you saw what I just saw, you’d wish you had half an eye. —Guy who just saw somebody with a half-mustache
29
Elderly Astronomer Baffled But Titillated By Mistaken Subscription To Cosmo Dear Dunkin’ Donuts Coolattas, I know I’m not supposed to weigh in on “mortal” stuff like this, but, man, who knew humans could create something so fucking awesome. Sincerely, God
Local Woman Gives Free Hugs, Chokeholds In Parking Lot
31
The Yale Record
Dear Bartender, If by “can’t hold your liquor” you mean “too drunk to grasp a drink,” then yes, I cannot hold my liquor, which is exactly why I asked you to pour it into my mouth, moron. —An Impatient Patron
Fashion For Men
Dear Clothes Dryer, You are so fun to watch, I consider you a high-definition TV, in the sense that when I am high, I define you as a TV. —Randy
Back To School: What STD Will The Cool Kids Be Carrying This Year? Dear Comrade Trotsky, I tell you, you are not making the revolution fast enough! Angrily, Comrade Cantersky Dear XKCD, Here’s my pitch: Two crudely drawn stick figures. One says to the other,”Gee, I wonder what nerdy computer reference one of us will make today.” Then the other says, “But it could also be an observation about modern relationships or conventional sexual mores.” The first one says, “True.” Then they have sex. Sincerely, An Astute Reader
expert tailoring student discount hugo - rock & republic - theory armand basi - j. lindeberg - howe seven - brown label - ted baker simon carter - sand - and more...
203 - 865 - 3824 1020 chapel street new haven, ct 06510
www.raggsnewhaven.com
La Cocinita Mexican Cafe
177 Park Street
ď ľ
(203) 772-1020
OFF THE RECORD
HELP SECTION
How to Start a Conversation An exclusive report to help hopeless freshman By Alison Gates
B
y now, you’ve all heard someone say, “The best thing about Yale is the people.” College is the time to form lifelong friendships, to drunkenly slobber on and re-woo your spouse, and to encounter the most noteworthy members of your generation. You’ll want to tell your nephews about the time you mooned a tour group led by a future senator or the time you fired a snot-rocket into the eye of a Nobel laureate. You are probably wondering, “How can I forge meaningful relationships and ruin potentially advantageous connections?” Well, the first step is talking to people. There are a few universal rules to entering an interaction. Before college, hands were just for patty-cake, picking your nose, making cement handprints for father’s day, and going to home base (handholding). But at Yale, you must shake everyone’s hand all the time. A handshake reminds both shakers that in the long run, their respective companies may merge, and in the short run, they both have the capacity to hi-five. The next rule is eye contact. Look right at your conversation partner through your hornrimmed glasses, ski-goggles, or two microscopes strapped to your face. Now open your mouth, rev up your vocal chords, and take the leap: say, “Hi.” Congratulations! You’ve spoken! Unfortunately, this is where things get terrifying. “What should I say next?” Sometimes, your situation can provide meaty conversation topics. Here is a laundry room example: “Wow, these machines don’t use quarters. What is this, the future?” Or, “I see you have soiled much of your clothing
already. Thoughts?” Your first conversation with your roommate is critical, but don’t let the stakes psych you out. A simple observation is all you need: “Hello, roommate. I notice you also did not bring a futon. It looks like you do not foresee bringing any romantic dates back to the room either. Thanks for the moneysaver, fugly new best friend!” When you find yourself walking next to someone on a dark evening and there is nothing around to discuss, their clothing can give you clues about their personality and the things they like to talk about. If they are wearing a jersey and sweatpants, you can assume they play a sport. This means they probably work out; ask them how many packs they have. The answer is typically six, though every once in a while, you come across an eight—then you’ve hit conversation gold. If they are wearing a Jack Wills shirt, they probably go to Toad’s. Explain that you completely understand their rationale for getting blackout drunk on Wednesday nights; of all the weeknights, Wednesday’s are the least interesting and therefore a solid choice of a night to not remember. If you exhaust all apparent conversation avenues and begin to get desperate, name anything you see and turn it into a question: “Fiber, am I right?” Once you have tried this with every object in your periphery, just sigh and say “College” suggestively. Next try “Growing up,” “Change,” “Time,” “People,” “America,” “The world,” and then “Life.” One of these should be applicable to most chat partners. □
How to Shake Hands How to Eat in a Yale Dining Hall Arguably the worst kind of hand shake is the
dead fish. Do not do this. The people you meet will think you have a limp soul. Also do not crush people’s hands. They will think you have
The residential dining halls require you to reorganize your food pyramid to include cereal
A Class Act
Writers, Artists, Designers, Business-Minded People
Jokes and Free Pizza! EVERY MONDAY, 9PM WLH 112 First meeting
Monday, August 30, 8pm, WLH 112