The 2009 Freshman Issue by The Yale Record

The Freshmen Issue

A DAVENPORT COLLEGE MASTER’S TEA WITH CAROL KOBEL AND JACK KUKODA, HEAD WRITER AND SENIOR STAFF WRITER FOR

THE ONION NEWS NETWORK

DAVENPORT COLLEGE, OCT 2ND AT 4:00PM

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SERVING GREAT PIZZA AND SANDWICHES

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Dear Special Olympics, I can bowl better than any competitors in the Special Olympics! What’s so special about that? What retard came up with that name? —Barack Obama

Diet Rich in Harold Bloom May Increase Risk of Heart Disease Dear H.G. Wells, Can I borrow your time machine? I just thought of the perfect thing to say to Bill Clinton after the Monica Lewinsky scandal: “You lied to Congress, you lied to the country, and you lied to me. But worst of all, you lied to yourself.” I bet that would make him feel so shitty, but in a productive way. —Al Gore

Yelling “Roadtrip!” Gets Old Five Minutes Before Reaching Highway Dear Graduation, Holy fuck, BACK THE CRAP UP. You are standing way too close. —The Class of 2010

Zombie Chef Criticized As “One Trick Pony” Dear Heisenburg, I challenge you to a game of hide and seek. I am moving at 50,000 miles an hour. —An Electron

Dear North Dakota, I don’t get it. Was South Dakota too temperate? —Arkansas Dear Arkansas, I don’t get it. Did Kansas need a pirate-themed spin-off? —North Dakota

Businessman Overestimates Effect of New Tie Upon Day Dear Sufjan Stevens, Great job on your project to make an album about each 50 of the states! At your current rate of zero albums in the last four years, you’ll be done around the same time you stop being a big pussy holding a banjo. —Iron & Wine

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Dear People Who Like Telling Jokes But Don’t Like Being Offensive, The Boer War, Bob Hope, Mutually Assured Destruction, and the Sinking of the Lusitania are now officially not too soon. Enjoy your tasteful joke telling. —The Society of Heath Ledger’s Corpse

Dear Alcoholic Math Major, It must be a tough choice for you whether to go to topoogy lecture or get drunk. Perhaps I can be of assistance. —The Klein Bottle

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Judge Bans Collective Gasping From Courtroom Dear Capricorn, Shoot, I thought you were candy corn. An astrological sign shouldn’t go masquerading as candy like that. —Reese’s Pisces

Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson Actually Died in 1997 Dear Nicholas Sparks, I cannot thank you enough for The Notebook. I have never cried so heard in my life. My soul is a rolling sea of emotions, and it is entirely because of you. —Wolf Blitzer Dear T. Jefferson, Thank you for your letter of secession! Unfortunately, the king will be out of his office for the next two weeks; if this is an emergency, please contact Lord North. —The Office of King George III

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Dear Mrs. Riley, We regret to inform you that we cannot offer your son a spot at our institution. Perhaps if circumstances change, we will reconsider. —The Orphanage

President Obama Pledges “Death Panels” Will Be Restricted to Orphans, Kittens

Teen Wants to See the World, Will Settle for Seeing 10% of Madrid. Dear Students Against Using the Word “Retarded”, I totally agree with you. From now on I will use the politically correct term autistic. As in, “I can’t believe you dropped that touchdown, what are you autistic or something?” —Eric, MC ‘09

Dear Internet, It has come to my attention that there are 50 stars on the United States flag. 50--the age at which Michael Jackson died. There are also 13 stripes--stripes, like zebras, which are black AND white. I’m not upset that the federal government killed the King of Pop. I’m just upset they made the signs so obvious. —Kirk Thaddeus, CC ‘12

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elcome, Freshmen! hen The Record decided to make “The Old Blue You made it. You’re here. Each and knowl Issue,” I was worried that we lacked sufficient everyofone you, despite your self-doubt, edge theofuniversity’s history to portray the past has picked up The Yale Record. honestly and fairly. At the time, most of our staff Excuse us. WeSantayana’s meant to say that, “Those agreed with George maxim: despite the trials of the application who learn from history are doomed to write boring process—the essay wereI sent nevera happy and that to B compile papers about it.” Asyou such, team ofwith Recordians in sophomore Spanish—despite all this, every last one of a briefing about the history of Yale. Here is what they found. you, when it came down to it, could afford an SAT tutor, and probably came from a wealthy school district to begin 1635—Y ALE’S SECRET FOUNDING with. While discussing the proposed Harvard College, John Winthrop all that is behind you. You’re in theis club now, without theBut Younger argues that the motto “Veritas” ridiculous and it’s“Lux” time tobystart enjoying theThe privileges some which to see it. debateYale overcan the offer motto causes you—from a faculty as committed to teaching as they Winthrop to create his own college. With a charterare dated one toyear losing their tenure, to a dating population hand-picked before Harvard’s, “The College of Not-Doodie-Headed for intelligence, goodAmerica’s looks, andfirst compatible Cantabs” becomes college. sexual orientation (unless for some reason you’re a straight female). Yale’s diverse nightlife lets Fyou choose between drinking 1701—Y ALE ’S PUBLIC OUNDING andInpartying, and, for the Yale’s dining halls “The 1701 in Saybrook CT,gourmet, Winthrop’s college is renamed offer a variety of dishes at atemperatures such students as lukewarm Collegiate School” with focus on training for “Publick and consistencies such aswas suspicious. employment.” Spelling not part of the curriculum. And if you enjoy the outdoors, you can try running 1716—Y MOVES TO NEW HAVEN lab samples,ALE biking around your college courtyard, or getRev. walking John Davenport tingThe mugged back fromconvinces the gym. the Collegiate School to move to New Haven, citing the cheap cost of real estate near blighted neighborhoods.

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But don’t get the impression that college is all silly putty and lollipops. To the contrary, Yale will teach you about the real world. There’s nobody here to help you remember your freshman counselor’s room number, for example, or to explain to you the difference between your faculty advisory and your DUS. And don’t even think about getting a second chance if you forget to turn in your Dean’s Excuse. Part of being an adult is learning to deal with failure. Speaking of the real world, Yale is aware of the intellectual “bubble” it creates, and several courses are designed to help you talk to people not as smart as you. In particular, check out ECON 161: Business Administration, LING 215: Synonyms for “I Go to School in Connecticut,” and RLST 305: Concealing Your Atheism When Visiting Nebraska or The South Keep your eyes open, also, for the popular class How to Get a Job Outside of Medicine or Finance, taught by Czech professor Yore Onyerone. We know what you’re thinking: “Can an insular institution really offer me the diversity of experience necessary to locate my true calling, whatever it may be?” It’s a fair (if long-winded) question, but you needn’t worry. At Yale, you can learn to do whatever

you like, from analyzing poetry or micrographs to analyzing sculpture or music. You can even analyze the many ways of knowing! And if you can’t find what you’re looking for here, head to one of Yale’s awardwinning International Study programs in China, Beijing, or Eastern Tibet. Either way, you’ll receive the individualized education you’d expect from a leading research institution. All this should keep you pretty busy. It’s important, though, to set aside some time for yourself. Join a humor magazine, for instance. Or collect leaves. However you do it, pull back from the stress of college once in a while and reflect that there are bigger questions in life to worry about. For example, isn’t it time you started thinking about grad school?

THE YALE RECORD SEPTEMBER 2009

Chairman: Simon Swartzman ’10

Editor-in-Chief: David Klumpp ’10 Publisher: Judd Rosenblatt ’11 Design Editors: Elie Chau ’10, Samo Gale ’10 Managing Editors: Alison Gates ’11, Jordy Greenblatt ’11, Mark Sonneblick ’12 Art Director: Nina Beizer ’12 Staff Director: Jessica Bolhack ’11 Editor-at-Large: Claire Mulaney ’10 Foreign Correspondant: Melissa Chiasson ’11 Staff Writers & Artists: Reuxben Barrientes ’10, Ari Berkowitz ’12, Dounia Bredes ’11, Caio Camargo ’09, Adi Kamdar ’12, Nell Klugman ’12, Stephanie Naratil ’11, Valerie Naratil ’11, Stan Seiden ’10, Josh Schoenfield ’10, Brendan Ternus ’12, Bill Toth ’11 Contributing Writers & Artists: Adam Bildersee ’09 Simon Chaffetz ’12, River Clegg ’11, Serrena Iyer ’12, Michael W. Harris ’09, Adam Holzman ’12, Darell Koh ’11, Babe Liberman ’11, Ben Orlin ’09, Lydia Stepanek ’12 Old Owls: Jacob Abolafia ’10, Nozlee Samadzadeh-Hadidi ’10 Senior Editors: Emily Sigman ’11, Emmy Waldman ’10, Katy Waldman ’10, Tessa Williams ’10 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett and chocolate chip cookies Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Caio Camargo who has gallantly rescued many a doomed writer from despair. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXXXX, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com • Subscriptions: $30/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2009 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-ﬁve the UOFC for its ﬁnancial support.

GREAT DEALS IN SHOPPING PERIOD DIRECTED STUDIES—As a young teenager coming to Yale from suburban California or suburban New York or suburban Chicago, it might be easy to forget that you’re now an integral link in the glorious chain of Western history. Why try to fight destiny? Whatever you thought was your cultural heritage, forget it, and embrace the togas and powder wigs of your new forefathers. You’ll be making Thucydides puns and noble savage knockknocks with your new cousins in no time. PORN IN THE MORN—If you’ve ever had sex with the lights on, then this class should be an easy A, and could teach you an easy O. But if you get annoyed that the word “unmentionables” causes a room to break out in jocky giggles, maybe you should consider steering clear. Try “Poon at Noon” instead. INTRODUCTION TO THE THEORY OF LITERATURE— You may not think you’ll like this class, but just wait: you’ll be stung by the WASP. Get ready, though, for intensive speech therapy to cull out “Derridean” and “Performativity” from your vocabulary, because fake words were never meant to be voiced out loud at parties. INTRODUCTORY MICROECONOMICS—Don’t let the name fool you; this class is huge. Huger than huge. Anyone who’s everyone is in this lecture. Tell all your friends. Now that all your friends know, do you want all your friends to pass you by? Not getting in on this class would be crazy, and would leave you poor. Do you want to be that crazy, poor guy on the street, or do you want

to be that crazy rich guy on Wall Street? That’s what we thought. ANY R ANDOM ART HISTORY/FILM STUDIES COURSE—Maybe you actually enjoying looking at art and watching movies, or maybe you just like looking at aesthedicks and watching the mise-en-scenesters. Either way, it’s easy to write papers when every opinion is valid and grades are given out in lollipops. HAROLD BLOOM R AMBLES FOR TWO HOURS A WEEK—It’s said that all you need to get a B from Bloom is a B-cup or larger. He doesn’t grade on a curve, he grades on curves. He’s like the Yale dragon who demands one town maiden each year and in return writes self-involved books about Shakespeare and the greatness of Man. And we all love him for it. —S. Swartzman

NEW DISTRIBUTIONAL REQUIREMENTS FOR THE CLASS OF 2013 A seminar with a creepy old dude. A class that is too fucking early Consecutive classes that are too far apart A class with more midterms than you expected A class where grade assignments are totally unfair A class you can’t get into Two QR classes —A. Bildersee

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�� Although Secret Societies have long been a treasured part of Yale’s history, it often seems as though these societies have lost their right to be called secret. Their histories can be found online, student publications publish yearly roundups of their membership, and society tap night has recently been added to the farmer’s almanac. Fortunately, some secret societies have remained true to their covert origins. Yes, these are Yale’s truly secret Secret Societies, never before mentioned in print or at a volume greater than 20 deciBels. CLOAK AND DAGGER Cloak and Dagger was founded in 1962, after two students accidentally killed one of their roommates and swore an oath not to tell a soul. Both were awful secret keepers and had told seven people each within hours, so the 16 students decided they needed a sounder method of keeping their secret secret. Every Cloak and Dagger tap is told the exact story of what happened that fateful night and then sworn to secrecy. The founders were apprehended and tried publicly in 1964, but the tradition remains.

THE REAL SKULL AND BONES The Real Skull and Bones is actually and truly Yale’s oldest Secret Society. It was formed approximately 12 minutes before the much better known “fake” Skull and Bones when two students, Woodrow “Buddy” Larkin and Darren “Weebles” Weebler overheard Skull and Bones’ would-be founders discussing the idea and decided to beat them to it. The Real Skull and Bones headquarters is located directly below the purported Skull and Bones headquarters, which members take advantage of by spending meetings knocking on pipes and making ghost noises. ??????? AND ???????? The ???????? and ????? Society is only secret in that no one knows their name. Meetings are highly public, and although they all begin with society members in masks and robes, the only point of these vestments seems to be to draw attention to members. Once a small crowd gathers, members take off their masks and gowns, yell out their names, and proceed with their meeting. —S. Seiden

LEAF AND FOUNTAIN Leaf and Fountain is and will always be Yale’s smallest society, in that its active and alumni members in total will never exceed 60. The founders stumbled upon the secret to eternal youth, a secret they have guarded in their catacombs beneath Yale’s power plant since1924. Every year, rather than graduate, seniors re-apply to Yale under false names and then re-tap the rising senior class. True to their roots, members continue to dress and speak as though it were 1924-1927. This has generally gone unnoticed.

GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCT

N. Beizer

BRANCH AND STREAM Branch and Stream was formed solely to claim the record held by Leaf and Fountain. Unfortunately, without the amazing rejuvenating technology, the organization had to resort to harsher methods. Since their inception, it has been every senior class’ most important duty to find and kill the oldest class of living alumni. Alumni’s attempts to hide have actually given rise to several other organizations, including the Zapatistas, Herzegovinian Liberationists Movement, and Canada’s Whig party.

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�� CRADLE SNATCHER You’ve already met him on Facebook.

BURNOUT Once valedictorian and a National Merit Scholar, now he just plays Super Smash Brothers and complains that porn in the morn isn’t a science credit.

THIRD WORLD SLEAZE He’s from a different culture, so he has the right to grab your ass.

FRAT BRO 184 beer pong victories, two personal opinions.

EDGY BI A girl with the self-assurance of someone who gets to do in bed what you pay to see online.

UNCOMFORTABLE CONSERVATIVE He came to Yale because his grandfather did, back when diversity meant your roommate was from upstate NY. Now he keeps a low profile.

NOT-YET-OUT-OFTHE-CLOSET Makes an excellent conversation topic.

HIPSTER Part of a movement to keep big colorful shoes in vogue for all eternity.

ENVIRO-NUT Who keeps closing the refrigerator door? It’s hot in here!

SLUT This is a difficult word. When using it, make it clear that you’re being feminist rather than misogynistic. —S. Chaffetz

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B. Liberman

BLUEPRINTS FOR THE NEW RESIDENTIAL COLLEGES FURTHER SPECULATION THAT YALE EMPLOYS A GENDER QUOTA.

S. and V. Naratil

CHINESE LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE: You’re interested in job assurance. ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE: You’re terrified by job assurance. LATIN LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE: You’re interested in job assurance between 27 BC and 476 AD. SOCIOLOGY: You didn’t have friends in high school and you’re a bit confused about your major. GEOLOGY AND ASTRONOMY DOUBLE MAJOR : You want to be a rock star. CHEM/PHYS/MOLECULAR BIOLOGY: You like acronyms like MCDB and MB&B because you’re a BAMF. RELIGIOUS STUDIES: You’re an atheist. �� 0110001001101111011011110110001001110011 —A. Berkowitz

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The Yale Record’s Guide to Extracurriculars The Yale Record has generously agreed to publish select statements from student organizations on campus. Read through them carefully, for whatever groups you decide to join could well determine your entire social circle for the rest of your college career. Or maybe not just have some fun! YALE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA: The YSO spends the first part of the year building up to our awesome Halloween show. We spend the rest of the year building down from it. YALE DAILY NEWS: Join the nation’s oldest and CRAZIEST college daily newspaper! Spend every night writing FARTicles and doing headlines off of strippers! It’ll be [sic]! FRATERNITIES: Fraternities at Yale are dedicated to preserving a timehonored tradition of brotherhood and service. Institutions such as Delta Kappa Epsilon, Sigma Chi and Alpha Epsilon Pi seek to enrich the Yale community by upholding strict policies of sobriety and cleanliness. See our offices at 300 York Street for application information. THE YALE POLITICAL UNION: If your excessive arguing or alcoholism has alienated you from your few remaining friends, it’s time to get some new ones. HERALD: The second-most read student publication on campus, the Herald is widely recognized as being superior to the YDN because it’s published less frequently. YHHAP: YHHAP stands for the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project. This organization includes many subgroups that tirelessly work to keep New Haven residents hungry and homeless. Recent programs include “Stealing Food From People Who Have Food,” “Impersonating Social Workers,” and “Farewellfare.” STUDENT TECHS: Student techs are like the cool kids on campus. Imagine the coolest person you know--now make him look like Brad Pitt. Now make him be able to fix a computer. Now on a motorcycle. That’s a student tech. MODEL UN: Learn how to build famous scenes from United Nations history out of plywood and glue. Previous dioramas have included “Kofi Annan Shows Up Late” and “Liberia Asks Too Many Questions.”

FREESTYLE DUELING ASSOCIATION: We meet weekly or bi-weekly to attack one another with foam swords, spears, and halberds on Old Campus. Depending on group interest, members might embark on semester-long foam quests to rescue foam damsels in foam distress, ultimately ending in foam eternal foam happiness foam. THE DRAMAT: The Dramat is Yale’s oldest theatrical organization. They boast an impressive budget and access to many fantastic Yale resources. They also boast the feat of having never performed a Mamet play and damned if they’re starting now. CHESS CLUB: Make some checkmates! Also one Czech mate in the form of our president Vladiv Kjorkivech. A CAPPELLA: Instruments ruin music. Absolutely destroy it. As a member of A Cappella, you won’t allow any instruments into music. You will break instruments and step on them. If you have a good singing voice or a powerful hatred, come see our showcase in Woolsey Hall. YALE ANTI-GRAVITY SOCIETY: Do you hate obeying restrictive laws that you never voted for? Even natural ones? Then join YAGS, a recent offshoot of Yale Libertarians. CARILLONNEURS: Is your entire family from Belgium’s Carillon district? Then you might be eligible to join the Yale Carillonneurs, a group dedicated to preserving this ancient European bloodline. We breed twice a semester. ST. ANTHONY’S HALL: If you like senior secret societies but hate that they’re secret, for seniors, and non-literary, you should join St. A’s. YALE OUTDOORS: ‘Cause Yale Indoors is for bitches. ISO: Our dance parties are the best. Because we all know how to dance. Because we’re from other countries. Because we were born there. THE SLIFKA CENTER: A fun, colorful place for Jews. RUMPUS: A quiz: Circle which of the following words you like most. Fart Penis Vagina Rumpus If you circled all four, then congratulations, you just made staff writer! YSECS: We can show you what’s behind those locked doors in SSS or WLH. Mostly brooms. YALE PRECISION MARCHING BAND: Dum dum dee dum dum dum DOO DOO DOO Tring a ling a ling a ling a dee dee dee dee dee dah OOH WAH WAH WAAAAAH — M. Sonneblick

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NOAH WEBSTER

NATHAN HALE

Noah Webster

Nathan Hale

Class of 1778, America’s First Spy

Class of 1773, Author of America’s First Dictionary

Hey Nate, have you been messing with my dictionary? Messing, no. Improving, yes. “Aardvark, noun. What King George looks like.” Zing! �� “Sodom & Gomorrah, proper nouns. Ancient dens of sin, �� corruption, and homosexuality.” �� Wait for it… �� “See also: London.” �� Count it! �� I hope you get hanged.

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BOB WOODWARD

Class of 1965, Investigative Journalist who Broke Watergate Scandal

Bob Woodward

DICK CHEN EY Class of 1963, 46thVice President of the United States

Dick Cheney

There’s so much corruption in government, Dick. So much. It’s like public ofﬁce attracts only the myopic, deluded, and self-serving. �� Yeah. �� They feed government contracts to their former employers… �� Yeah… �� They violate international law… �� Yeah… They champion doomed �� interventions in foreign countries… �� Wait, this is great, let me grab a pencil.

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GEORGE W. BUSH Class of 1968, 43rd President of the United States

OLIVER STONE

Class of 1968, Director of “Platoon,” “JFK,” and “W”

Hey, Stone Man! I thought my nickname was “Olive Oil.” So listen to this. Last night I blacked out around ten, and when I wake up this morning, I’m naked with these two Vassar girls, and there’s ﬂour EVERYWHERE. I know, George. We share a room. Your bed is six feet from mine. I was like, “Hey, what’s with all this ﬂour?” At 3 AM you decided to make pancakes, remember? Go on… But you realized the room doesn’t have a stove or sink, after pouring 1 3/4 cups of milk on your typewriter. This isn’t ringing any bells. Somebody’s going to make a movie about you someday, George.

SAMUEL ALITO Law School Class of 1975, Supreme Court Justice

CLARENCE THOMAS Law School Class of 1974, Supreme Court Justice

Hey, Clarence, we’ve been studying a while. Want to go get some burgers at Louis’? Yeah, we’ve been studying for a while. Let’s get some Louis’ burgers. Are you copying everything I say again? No. Paraphrasing? Maybe. Look, you can’t just mimic everything your conservative classmates say. Why not?

JENNIFER CONNELLY Class of 1992, Star of “Requiem for a Dream,” and “A Beautiful Mind”

JOHN HODGMAN Class of 1992, “PC” in the Mac Commercials

So what about you, John? You haven’t told me your post-grad plans. I… uh… well, I’m hoping to do some acting. [silence] You think it’s stupid, don’t you? Oh… uh, no, John, I think that’s great! Really? I mean, you’re so pretty, whereas… I don’t know how many parts there are for a guy who looks like me. Don’t be silly! You can always play… an accountant. Or a troll. Or a teapot! Or somebody’s gay uncle. Jen, I’m straight. We’ve been over this. Or some kind of obsolete machine! Thanks, Jen. Thanks a lot.

− B. ORLIN

Dans Yale Didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Use "Y 3 AND 6 .ARATIL

SEDAN

UGLY DAN

DANIEL RADCLIFFE RODIN

HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN

RECOMMENDATION by Katy Waldman

As you will soon discover, Yale is an ecosystem of arti�icial scarcity. Inevitably, you will want to join clubs and programs that require recommendations. And inevitably, you will at some point be writing these recommendations yourself, since your friends and professors are Very Busy. But don’t worry—we have assembled a quick how-to guide, complete with a real, actual, successful recommendation letter.

Writing Your Recommendation

Begin with a brief introduction that clearly states the name of the person being recommended

 SAMPLE (you).RECOMMENDATION: Explain why the candidate’s personal qualities make him or her a perfect �it for the group.   

Is he outrageously well-spoken? Can she transform bad project proposals into particles of steam and goo? Be honest.

The next paragraph should contain a humanizing anecdote about the person. Often, you two will have gone way back. Make sure to stress the closeness of your relationship.

Give a succinct but accurate summary of his or her main achievements. You might mention awards, such as the Presidential Medal for Bravery. If an invention or discovery by the person has changed the course of human history, describe it brie�ly here. Sum up by reiterating your contention that he or she is the best candidate for admission. Do not sound overly partial. If you wish, you may thank the committee for their consideration.

SAMPLE RECOMMENDATION Members of the Admissions Committee, I am thrilled to nominate Katy Waldman, CC’10, to join the Yale Undergraduate Society Club Group this fall! Her intelligence and talent, sparkling conversation, and remarkable good looks make her an ideal addition to our society club group. I only regret that I did not have the privilege of writing on her behalf earlier. I first met Katy while I was drowning off the coast of a remote Pacific island. Several hammerhead sharks had just begun to feint at my limbs, but Katy’s warm smile and friendly demeanor quickly put me at ease. With characteristic aplomb, she was able to convince the sharks not to eat me, and thereby to diffuse a potentially awkward situation. Since then, Katy has proved a dear and invaluable friend. Katy is not one to broadcast her many accomplishments, but, fortunately, the truth will out! She was with me at the ships of Mylae. She demonstrated impeccable courage and always smelled fantastic. I am confident that Katy would tremendously enrich our organization’s social and intellectual life. God is she an amazing conversationalist. I want to bring her with me whenever I go see a play or do something cultured. I introduce her to people so that they will like me more. If you accept her into the Undergraduate Secret Association House, human suffering will become a thing of the past. She is our only green solution. She is--YES YES OH KATY WALDMAN YES, RIGHT THERE. ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE, DON’T SCREW THIS UP! In conclusion, I am delighted to recommend Katy Waldman for membership to whatever it is this thing is called. Sincerely, Katy Waldman, CC’10

Dining Hall Comment Cards Feedback By S. Seiden

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In an effort to recognize achievement by members of the freshman class, the Yale Department of Admissions has released to The Yale Record the top admissions essays from 2013. Below are various excerpts. “It was an average autumn day. I was leading a gaggle of blind ducklings across a bridge I fashioned from my belt and several #2 pencils when I fainted because I had donated twice the recommended amount of blood earlier that morning. Luckily Alfred was able to step in and take charge. He was the shrewdest of my mini mallard friends…” “‘Well, President Clinton, I’ll tell you what my definition of is is!’ I was only 8 years old and pointing my finger in the face of the most powerful man in the world.

My performance at Junior Junior Model UN earned me an internship as a speech writer, but I wasn’t about to lie for that Arkansan again…” “Looking back I realize I was not playing the oboe, the oboe was playing me, and I, a naïve high school sophomore, was out of tune…” “Guerrilla fighters continued to terrorize the small Peruvian village through the night. I was powerless, alone. I could not help one of them let alone them all. But I could write this poem, high above the swirling bullets and foreign screams…” “I am forever grateful that my status as His Highness Grand Archduke Ayatollah Windsor II never stopped me from having a normal childhood.” —C. Mulaney

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R. Barrientes

Last semester, President Levin announced that departments all across the university were being asked to reduce their fiscal expenses by 7.5%. But it doesn’t stop there. Here are further budget cuts Levin doesn’t want you to know about:

WHAT A TERRIBLE CALAMITY!

Hipsters are asked to be 7.5% less hip. Premedical students will be 7.5% less sociable DUH will be 7.5% less accurate in diagnosing male pregnancy The homosexuality rate will fall to “One in 4.3, maybe more.” Section assholes will be 7.5% quieter. Sports teams will win 7.5% fewer games, except for men’s basketball, which will hold steady at 0-24. Quinnipiac girls will wear 7.5% less clothing Provost Salovey’s mustache will be 7.5% less majestic. Science classes will be moved 7.5% farther from central campus Carilloneurs will miss 7.5% more notes YUAG auditorium seats will be made 7.5% less comfortable Ivy Noodle fortune cookies will be 7.5% less predictive Purple ice cream will be 7.5% more prevalent ( )

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T HE YALE R ECORD

Skull and Bones will be 7.5% less secretive The archaeology department will steal 7.5% fewer Peruvian artifacts The Gutenberg Bible will be 7.5% less authentic Sex in the stacks will be 7.5% less pleasurable Every college will be moved down one slot in the Tyng Cup rankings Grade inflation will decrease to 7.5% —A. Bildersee

�� Thai Taste Taste of Thai House of Thai House of Tasty Thai Haunted Thai House Tasty Taste of House Thai Son of Thai Taste Taste That? That’s Thai The House That Pad Thai Built Bangkok Gardens

swine flu. If you find your roommate crawling around the dorm unable to get up on his/her hind legs, call DUH as soon as possible. 5. Because the swine flu virus often attacks retinal tissue, if your roommate’s vision is suddenly compromised, bring him/her in for an exam. A key warning sign of this is when, in trying to find the shower, he/she accidentally ends up rolling around in a pile of mud or his/her own feces. 6. Because the virus is also inclined to attack the judgment center in the brain, if your roommate begins walking around naked, eating out of a trough, or going by “Babe” or “Oinky” bring him/her in immediately. —J. Greenblatt

—B. Orlin

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WHAT TERRIBLE CALAMARI!

R. Barrientes

1. Swine flu patients are frequently flushed in the face. Be sure to check if your roommate has ruddy cheeks. 2. Unlike other flu strains, swine flu causes a sharp increase in appetite. If you see evidence of this, your roommate may have contracted swine flu. 3. Swine flu can cause mood changes that make patients more indifferent to their surroundings. If your roommate’s neglect for hygiene has turned your room into a sty, this may be a swine flu warning sign. 4. Weakness in the lower extremities is a red flag for

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T HE YALE R ECORD

�� 1704–Graduating Yale ministers conduct first “panty raid” against Harvard men, creating a sexual tension between the two institutions that now manifests itself mostly on the football field. 1736–Drunken Harvard freshman Samuel Adams steals the false teeth of aging professor Harold Bloom, forcing him to fashion a new set out of pine pitch and walrus tusk. 1874–Undercover Harvard students convince Yale to name new dormitory after notable alum John C. Calhoun. 1939–Posing as a Yale student, John F. Kennedy begins three-day orgy in which entire male undergraduate population is sexiled at once. 1952–Harvard community hides in terror as Yale students trick-or-treat in Cambridge disguised as Joe McCarthy.

1961–Harvard dispatches prank construction crew to perpetrate Morse and Stiles colleges; seemingly out of spite, Yale begins housing students and employing staff there. 1964–After vandalizing much of Harvard Yard, George W. Bush crashes car through one of Harvard’s oldest classrooms; Harold Bloom is asked to make repairs using pine pitch and walrus tusk. 1985–Yale gets Chicago Bears to don blue and compete against Harvard in the Game; William “the Refrigerator” Perry is penalized for delay of game after eating entire Crimson offensive line. 1993–Harvard students stage protest outside a Yale Political Union debate, creating the cruel illusion that people care about the Yale Political Union. 2009–Undercover Harvard students convince President Levin to name new residential college after noted alum C. Montgomery Burns. —R. Clegg

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S. and V. Naratil

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· Garlic gives any meal flavor without adding too many calories. · Drink lots of holy water to feel full without taking in too much fatty dining hall food. · Looking for a good workout? Try the iron cross. · Blood thinners make blood clots less likely and blood less tasty. · Avoid binge drinking; alcohol is full of calories and devoid of nutritional content and if you’re drunk it can be difficult to tell the difference between a vampire and that comp sci major who stares at you through your window at night · If you have a steak/stake/with you at all times you are doing something wrong/right · Look over your shoulder every few seconds because vampires cannot be seen in mirrors... especially if your reflection is taking up the whole damn thing, fatty —J. Greenblatt

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T HE YALE R ECORD

�� BLOOD HARVEST—While everyone knows Yale’s sustainable farming pre-orientation program, Yale is proud to introduce Blood Harvest, the sustainable slaughtering pre-orientation program. Raise and take care of cute pigs for two weeks before sending them off to the industrial slaughterhouse to make bacon for Sunday morning. Milk Bessie and then round up her calves with a cattle prod to ship them out to the feedlot. These psychological traumas will bond you irrevocably to the other Yalies in the program—it will be an experience you talk about for years to come! ORIENTATION FOR INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS—Everybody seems to think that the international students coming to Yale need an orientation. Seriously, if you’re an international student who got into Yale, you can probably figure out how to open a bank account in New Haven. This year, the orientation will focus on how you can use your mysterious international allure to your advantage, from avoiding public urination tickets to convincing your English professor that writing your paper in your native language was a way of expressing your alienation. FONT (FRESHMAN OUTDOORS NON-ORIENTATION TRIPS)—Choose between 4 and 7-day camping trips out to nearby natural areas with other incoming freshman. Do not confuse this program with FOOT. During FONT, interaction between students will be kept to a minimum, and discussion of Yale and New Haven will be strictly forbidden.

THE REPUBLIC: Socrates and friends hypothesize about the perfect city. Most philosophers have noted its impracticality, particularly its lack of WiFi hotspots. ODYSSEY: Odysseus charters a ship, goes on a lot of badass, brotastic adventures and, unlike his crew, manages not to die. ILIAD: Reading about 1,186 Greek ships isn’t so bad if they’re relevant to the story and the poetry is beautiful. They’re not and it’s not. BIBLE: Part mythology, part Charlton Heston western, part zombie movie, part epistolary novel. Most literary critics consider Jesus a Harry Potter figure. APOCRYPHA: Don’t have oral sex: that’s how weasels get pregnant. (Barnabas 9:9) PARADISE LOST: Contains hundreds of puns that you will never notice. Reveals Milton’s revision of Christian theology where God is really passive aggressive all the time. THE WASTE LAND: “April is the cruelest month.” That’s really the only line you’ll ever need to quote at a cocktail party, because the rest of it is indecipherable. THE PRINCE: Lying, cheating, and manipulating are the qualities a prince must have. Princesses need fuckme pumps, big hair, and glitter. —M.W. Harris

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N. Beizer

CULTURAL DEFECTIONS—Yale students take pride in the vast number of different cultural traditions on campus. That being said, many students find that the culture they were born into no longer suits their needs. At Cultural Defections, students can take stock of the many cultures at Yale they can adopt as their own. Tired of being a plain old Midwest cracker? You have so many choices, from broad cultural groups like the South Asian Society to smaller niche clubs like the Albanian Students Association. Whatever cultural zest you are missing, you are sure to find it at Cultural Defections. —M. Chiasson

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throughout the history of literature. As the Fisher King laments in “The Waste Land,” “these fragments I have “They should combine the bread line and the bread shored against my ruin,” an example of the history of voucher line.” thought as failed accomplice in an intensely personal battle “Man, fuck bread!” against time itself; Shakespeare betrays a similar despon“Which of you assholes double parked my Porsche?” dency in his Sonnet 73, mourning his own decaying “time “I hope this bread is topologically sound.” of year” absent the bluster he displays in assuring himself “This is the worst thing since the sliced bread line.” and his audience that his work will guarantee him immor“I haven’t taken a shit in two weeks.” tality. But as Hamlet himself declares, “There are more “It’s too bad you have to walk through the meat, cheese and things in heaven and earth…than are dreamt of in [any] lettuce lines to get to the other bread line.” philosophy,” and it is this timeless paradox that (NAME “I hope they have the caviar rolls today.” OF THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR) grapples with here, “Dr. Atkins, what are you doing here?” ultimately emerging victorious.” “Things have been difficult since I was fired from the —N. Klugman breadline.” —Staff

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N. Beizer

Simply fill in the blanks with your applicable selections, stick in some quotes from the middle of the book (to prove you read it), and you’re in business! “Throughout the history of Western thought, authors have examined (ONE-WORD SUMMARY OF TOPIC) in an attempt to understand its practical and philosophical implications. Nowhere is this theme explored more trenchantly—or with greater passion—than in (NAME OF WORK), (AUTHOR’S) masterful study of man’s futile struggle against (NATURE/MORTALITY/ HIMSELF) In this work, (S/HE—J/K! CLEARLY HE) engages the entirety of Western thought in a moving dialogue that probes at the very nature of humanity, with clear parallels to Hamlet, Critique of Pure Reason, and The Wasteland; it is essentially a modern work (INSERT “FOR ITS TIME PERIOD” IF APPLICABLE) that functions as an elegy for its predecessors. Nowhere are these themes as clear as in the author’s treatment of (SECONDARY CHARACTER), an incisively non-committal representation of the ultimate futility of idealism and society’s inexorable need to reach acceptance of larger social ills. As a foil for (NAME OF MAIN CHARACTER—OFTEN HELPFULLY FOUND IN THE TITLE OF THE WORK), (S/ HE) serves as the pragmatic foe of Romantic ideals. Ultimately, the work functions as a metaphysical commentary upon the nature of art, serving as a testament to the author’s power even today. Being forgotten or losing recognition has served as mankind’s most powerful foe

OFF THE RECORD

HELP SECTION

How to Start a Conversation An exclusive report to help hopeless freshman By Alison Gates

y now, you’ve all heard someone say, “The best thing about Yale is the people.” College is the time to form lifelong friendships, to drunkenly slobber on and re-woo your spouse, and to encounter the most noteworthy members of your generation. You’ll want to tell your nephews about the time you mooned a tour group led by a future senator or the time you fired a snot-rocket into the eye of a Nobel laureate. You are probably wondering, “How can I forge meaningful relationships and ruin potentially advantageous connections?” Well, the first step is talking to people. There are a few universal rules to entering an interaction. Before college, hands were just for patty-cake, picking your nose, making cement handprints for father’s day, and going to home base (handholding). But at Yale, you must shake everyone’s hand all the time. A handshake reminds both shakers that in the long run, their respective companies may merge, and in the short run, they both have the capacity to hi-five. The next rule is eye contact. Look right at your conversation partner through your hornrimmed glasses, ski-goggles, or two microscopes strapped to your face. Now open your mouth, rev up your vocal chords, and take the leap: say, “Hi.” Congratulations! You’ve spoken! Unfortunately, this is where things get terrifying. “What should I say next?” Sometimes, your situation can provide meaty conversation topics. Here is a laundry room example: “Wow, these machines don’t use quarters. What is this, the future?” Or, “I see you have soiled much of your clothing

already. Thoughts?” Your ﬁrst conversation with your roommate is critical, but don’t let the stakes psych you out. A simple observation is all you need: “Hello, roommate. I notice you also did not bring a futon. It looks like you do not foresee bringing any romantic dates back to the room either. Thanks for the moneysaver, fugly new best friend!” When you ﬁnd yourself walking next to someone on a dark evening and there is nothing around to discuss, their clothing can give you clues about their personality and the things they like to talk about. If they are wearing a jersey and sweatpants, you can assume they play a sport. This means they probably work out; ask them how many packs they have. The answer is typically six, though every once in a while, you come across an eight—then you’ve hit conversation gold. If they are wearing a Jack Wills shirt, they probably go to Toad’s. Explain that you completely understand their rationale for getting blackout drunk on Wednesday nights; of all the weeknights, Wednesday’s are the least interesting and therefore a solid choice of a night to not remember. If you exhaust all apparent conversation avenues and begin to get desperate, name anything you see and turn it into a question: “Fiber, am I right?” Once you have tried this with every object in your periphery, just sigh and say “College” suggestively. Next try “Growing up,” “Change,” “Time,” “People,” “America,” “The world,” and then “Life.” One of these should be applicable to most chat partners. □

How to Shake Hands How to Eat in a Yale Dining Hall Arguably the worst kind of hand shake is the

dead ﬁsh. Do not do this. The people you meet will think you have a limp soul. Also do not crush people’s hands. They will think you have

The residential dining halls require you to reorganize your food pyramid to include cereal

The Yale Record

143

The Yale Record

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Dear Congress, We would like to see you enact harsh penalties for the following humor crimes: 1) Describing a humorous t-shirt as “tee-riffic.” That is all. —The Yale Record

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Dear Gang Members Who Keep Doing That Gang Handshake Around Me, How do I know it’s a gang handshake? Because you bump fists, then fire semi-automatic rifles into the windows of abandoned schools, tap your chests and say “Stone cold.” That’s how. —A Concerned Citizen

Arts And Crafts Made From Reconstruction Paper Found To Collapse After 5 to 7 Years. Dear Joe Biden, This is ridiculous. How long can this recession go on? Have you tried Rogaine? —Your Barber

The Yale Record Dear Steve Leavitt, I just finished your book, Freakonomics, and it has totally changed my way of perceiving the world. Thank you. —Freakazoid

‘Sun Not As Happy As Many Cartoon Depictions,’ Astronomers Say

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Dear Coors, We admire your new ad campaign showcasing your unique “cold” beer. We hope you don’t feel we’re stepping on your toes with our campaign, “Bud Light: It’s a liquid!” —Anheuser Busch

Music Festival Allows Thousands of Normal People to Act Like Free Spirits for a Day Dear Buffalo, No, I know “Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” but fish too can buffalo two fish and one toucan. Can you too buffalo one can of fish and toucan stew? If you two, the toucan and you, will do so, I know I too can do it to you. —Noam Chomsky

Wal-Mart Receives Large Cake Order From Germany

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The Yale Record Dear Microsoft Word, My people were very pleased to find our native language available as a font in your software. However, the airplane should be pointing to the left. —Klepfron, Ambassador of Webdingia

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John Grisham Accused of Murder; Court Transcript Sells 200,000 Copies Dear Kathy, I found the nudie pics you took of yourself on your cell phone. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said you had really bad acne; we’ll go to the dermatologist next week. And you’re grounded. —Mom

Recession-Plagued U.S. Economy Reverses “No Wooden Nickels” Policy Dear General Petreus, That’s funny. We don’t have any homosexuals either. Signed, Ahmed Ahmedinejad

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Yale University

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams? Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses? 2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs? Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team. 3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research? Independent research is an integral part of Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance. 4. What should I buy for my room? The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as couch, TV, and diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time. 5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year? While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring! 6. What is the average class size? “Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my intro to English writing seminar?” the answer is no. 7. Do Yale students study abroad? Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border. 8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students? Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately. 9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones? Why yes! 10. How can I make friends at Yale? Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center. —J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp

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�� FIRST MEETING

Monday, August 31, 8pm, WLH 112