The Mercury in Retrograde Issue

Vol. 149, No. 4

THE YALE

Feb. 12, 2021

RECORD

“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

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chair@yalerecord.org

THANKS OBAMA! THE THOUGHTFUL, HANDWRITTEN BIRTHDAY NOTE REALLY MADE ME GRATEFUL TO HAVE A GREAT FRIEND LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE

Dear Stephanie Spangler, What the fuck? I wasn’t trying to report my own party last night, I was trying to invite you. My friend thinks you’re really cool and maybe wanted to get to know you better? But now our entire college is quarantined.

Not cool.

Sincerely, Party Boy Paul

Dear Costco, Your mask mandate is complete bullshit. I revel in the opportunity to lick those sexy ass rotisserie chickens that you have laying out. They’re practically BEGGING for it.

How am I supposed to ignore their succulent, plump shape that reminds me so much of my ex...absolute bullshit.

FUN DAD ALERT! THIS GUY DRESSES UP IN FULL CLOWN GEAR AND HIDES UNDER HIS SON’S BED WHENEVER HE’S “FEELING GOOFY”

Signed, A Disappointed Customer

Dear Cardi B,

A FISH OUT OF WATER! I CAUGHT A FISH

In your recent song “WAP” you say that your vagina is A1, “just like his credit.” What is credit and how can it be A1?

Thank you, Confused Prospective Economics Major

“NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST,” SAY THE LAST TWO PEOPLE IN THE CHEM LECTURE ZOOM. Dear your Confused ass self, An A1 or A+ credit score indicates that there is a strong capacity to meet financial commitments, but it is somewhat susceptible to adverse economic conditions and changes in circumstances. My pussy is A1 because I’ll probably give you a good time, but it depends on if I was able to commit to a good wash day that week. Shit happens, I’m a mom now!

Eeeowwww, Cardi

DYNAMIC DUO! MY MOM AND MY DAD ARE EQUALLY UNLOVABLE

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The Yale Record

THE MCRIB IS BACK AND IT’S READY TO FUCK!

Dear Professor, ...

Regards, Student

Dear fishermen, Please don’t catch me. I’m not a fish.

Best, Donny Dolphin Dear Donny Dolphin, Worry not ye, for I want not to catch thee. I want to love thee. For the seas be rough and unforgiving, and I have scant a woman’s touch these many months. Thy soft grey curves beneath the waves remind me of a lass from ashore. Thou will be mine and I thine.

Best, Fisherman Longfellow

“NOBODY’S PERFECT!” DECLARES MITSKI FAN Dear Jeff Kinney, author of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, How’s Manny doing nowadays?

Does he still wear a diaper? I drew some alluring fanart of him in MS Paint and was wondering how I should send it to him. That diaper of his really adds to his character development. Please let me know how I can contact him.

Best, An Enusiastic Fan

Dear fishermen, Please catch me ASAP. Signed, Donny

A FITTING TRIBUTE: IN THE MIDDLE OF SEAN CONNERY’S EULOGY, DANIEL CRAIG CALLED HIS MOM FROM HIS LEFT SHOE Dear Student, When you sit there in silence for a solid minute instead of clicking to join the breakout room, we know you aren’t paying attention. Please be more attentive during class. This is just embarrassing.

Respectfully, Your Professor

THIS ONE JUST SAYS ‘POOP.’ Dear Jim Carrey, My son’s favorite movie is The Truman Show. But he’s really torn about one little plot hole. How did Truman beat his meat? I mean, Truman was a pretty lonely guy, so like would there be weeks with five episodes of Truman whacking it?

Best, Edwin

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue Dear Edwin, We actually filmed several scenes of me spurting my spunk into a classic automobile, but they were ultimately cut from the film after our sponsorship with Chrysler fell through.

Best, Jim

CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS! I’M AN ATHEIST WHO’S BAD AT CHESS Dear Steve Jobs, You may have invented the iPhone, but guess what? You’re dead.

Sincerely, Bill Gates

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MAN VS. FOOD: MY FAMOUS LEMON MERINGUE PIE IS BOTH MORE ZESTY AND DESERVING OF LOVE THAN MY BITCH SON KYLE CUTTING CORNERS? I’M REALLY GOOD AT MAKING SPHERES

Check out our website, yalerecord.org, for more hilarious content!

Obituary Correction The Editorial Board would like to apologize for an erroneous obituary in a previous issue of a magazine. The issue included a preemptive obituary of Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, under the assumption that he will die eventually. We have since learned that he is immortal.

FOR SALE: A used set of healing crystals. The rose quartz is broken into pieces because I smashed it for not bringing true love into my life. Will exchange for a decentlooking boyfriend.

— A. Mao

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T he Y ale R ecoRd

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue Dear Tucker Carlson, What do you love most about America?

Sincerely, Patriot Phil

LITTLE ACTS OF KINDNESS: WHEN I HAD MY APPENDIX REMOVED, I SOLD IT TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD CANNIBAL

Dear Patriot Phil, Antifa! What would I do without them?

God bless, Tuck

ONE LAST HURRAH: IN A DESPERATE BID TO CEMENT HIS LEGACY, PRESIDENT TRUMP REMINDS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT HIS HANDS ARE “LARGE AND MANLY”

Dear Hexagon, Six sides is pretty cool. How did you come up with that?

Sincerely, Circle

5

MANSCAPING FAIL! I’M A WOMAN! Dear Theodosia, What to say to you? You have my eyes. Please give them back immediately. I cannot see, and it’s making my life very difficult.

I have the honor to be your obedient servant, A. Burr Dear Dad, If you want them back, you’re gonna have to... Wait for it!!!!

Dear Circle, Fuck you. Fuck you and your I have one side I have infinite sides I have no sides bullshit. Step off! Six is sexy.

Always has been. Always will be.

Best, Hexagon

Signed, Theodosia

MARIO KART IN REAL LIFE? AN ITALIAN MAN HIT MY CAR

— A. Taranto

Emmy Waldman ‘11

I

saw a psychic recently, and so far, everything she said was right. When I first walked in, I was so unsure of myself, but when she said I would “travel in a car” and “figure out what job I wanted to do someday,” something clicked.

I finally knew my destiny. When I got in my car, I realized the first part of her prophecy was already coming true. How did she do it?

But it didn’t take long for me to realize there were a few holes in her story.

I still didn’t know exactly what career I wanted to pursue or where I’d meet my soulmate, so I kept driving around for a little bit, and after four days at the wheel, I still couldn’t find that missing puzzle piece. I had nothing but bags under my eyes and dents in my car from falling asleep and getting into a fender bender I got into when I would fall asleep for a second.

When I finally got home, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I bought a crystal ball online, or at least I thought I did until a bowling ball came in the mail.

I probably should’ve taken a nap before I made any major purchases. I then tried to read my birth chart, but I was too distracted because I wanted to go play with my new bowling ball. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on my living room floor, covered in glitter from Disco Night at the bowling alley. I had to grapple with the sobering truth—no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t predict the future.

At that moment, I went into a spiral. I started screaming, throwing things, going bowling again, not getting a strike once, going back home, and screaming and throwing things more. And then I found the answer: a pack of tarot cards I bought off the clearance rack at Urban Outfitters. If this couldn’t predict the future, I don’t know what could.

So, I’ve decided to do a tarot reading right now. I did a meditation to clear my mind and put a sign on my door that says, “Clairvoyance in Progress,” so no one interrupts. I don’t have any sort of manual that explains what the cards mean, but I can probably figure out just from the names and the pictures, right? Whatever. I think I’m ready.

First up is the Seven of Wands. It’s a picture of a woman with seven wands.

Actually, they kind of just look like sticks. Anyway, I’m already halfway there,

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue because I’m a woman, so it must mean that I’ll stumble upon seven sticks. This is actually really convenient for me. I can use one stick to write my name in the dirt, because that’s fun, and then use the other six sticks to start three fires, which is something I always wanted to do.

Next, I pull the King of Cups. And you guessed it, it’s a king holding a cup. Now, this is a little unrealistic because there are no kings in America. But there is a King of Pop. That’s right, Michael Jackson is still alive, but he is parched from hiding away for twelve years. I will have to bring him a cup of water.

I’m drawn to another Cup card, the Five of Cups specifically. Maybe Michael Jackson needs five cups of water.

I guess that makes sense because he’ll probably still be thirsty after just one! While most people should drink at least eight glasses of water a day, I will tell him that he’s only getting five today because that’s what the cards say. He’ll tell me to beat it. I’ll throw a glass of water in his face. Now he only has four, so he better not mess with me again.

I now draw the Moon, which means that it is close to midnight, and something evil is lurking in the dark. The card depicts two wolves, but I don’t hear any howling, so it must be something else. Michael looks back at me in his full zombie makeup from the “Thriller” music video. He seems like he wants to fight. I want to fight, too.

The next card in my pile is Death. At first glance, this might suggest that my skirmish with Michael got a little out of hand, but it did not. In reality, I actually forgot about the three fires I started earlier, and they burned down an apartment building. Michael tells me that I should’ve learned more about fire safety. We fight again. This time, he’s not so lucky. He dies. For real now.

Harry Rubin ’22 Chair

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Next is the Nine of Swords. It depicts a woman with nine swords. I’m already a woman, so it must mean that I will stumble upon nine swords. Like the woman on the card, I kneel in shame, wondering where I went wrong. How could I live with myself and these violent weapons when I’ve already been so destructive? How could I tell people that Michael Jackson was still alive, until I killed him?

I look up to the sky, and I see the image from my next card, the Sun. It is a new day. I can start over.

My final card is the Six of Wands. The wands still look like sticks, so I’ll find six more sticks, and I can start three more fires. I burn my swords in the fires, so I can’t do any more harm. I decide to forget about these fires that I set in a densely populated shopping mall, and just as depicted on the card I drew, I ride away on horseback. I’m putting the past behind me, like the queen I always am.

As I pack up the cards, I can barely contain my excitement. My future is everything I ever wanted and more!

Sure, it will get a little rocky from time to time, but I really feel like I’ll get to be myself and follow my dreams, which is most important.

So, take my word for it—you don’t need to drop a ton of money on a psychic when all you need is $9.95 and an open mind. And of course, you’ll need to read the rest of the Mercury in Retrograde Issue of the Record. Okay, technically, you won’t need to, but you should. Trust me— when I look into my bowling ball, I see you reading it and laughing.

— K. Walsh Editor in Chief

Kaylee Walsh ’22 Editor in Chief

David Hou ’22 Online Editor in Chief

Will Cramer ’22 Publisher

Clio Rose ’24 Online Managing Editor

Joe Wickline ’24 Online Managing Editor

Jonas Kilga ’23 Managing Editor

Diana Kulmizev ’23 Managing Editor

Sam Leone ’23 Managing Editor

Zuri Goodman ’22 Webmaster

Raja Moreno ’23 Webmaster

Zosia Caes ’22 Copy Editor

Ayla Jeddy ’23 Design Editor

Avery Mitchell ’23 Design Editor

Ellen Qian ’23 Design Editor

Alex Taranto ’23 Art Director

Bea Portela ’24 Staff Director

Jacob Eldred ’24 Business Manager

Madelyn Blaney ’21 Old Owl

Rosa Chang ’22 Old Owl

Caleb Cohen ’21 Old Owl

Ethan Fogarty ’21 Old Owl

Sarah Force ’22 Old Owl

Luna Garcia ’22 Old Owl

David “Davey” McCowin ’21 Old Owl

Marcy Sanchez ’21 Old Owl

Maya Sanghvi ’22 Old Owl

Amanda Thomas ’21 Old Owl

Staff: Colin Baciocco ’21 Marty Chandler ’21 Paige Davis ’21 Lindsay Jost ’21 Jamie Large ’21 Alec Zbornak ’21 Ronak Gandi ’22 Ryan Fuentes ’22

Alex Kane ’22 Sam Karp ’22 Kyle Mazer ’22 Jocelyn Wexler ’22 Addison Beer ’23 Avery Brown ’23 Juan Diego Casallas ’23 Raffael Davila ’23

Lucy del Alamo ’23 Leo Egger ’23 Shirshak Gautam ’23 Dory Johnson ’23 Zoe Larkin ’23 Charlotte Leakey ’23 Jacob Kaufman-Shalett ’23 Andrew Kornfeld ’23 Jason Salvant ’23

Lucy Santiago ’23 Helen Tejada ’23 Katia Vanlandingham ’23 Amrita Vetticaden ’23 Erik Boesen ’24 Elijah Boles ’24 Alexia Buchholz ’24 Evan Cheng ’24 Finn Gibson ’24

Adriana Golden ’24 Will Gonzalez ’24 Cam Greene ’24 Joe Gustaferro ’24 Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24 Aarjav Joshi ’24 Alice Mao ’24 Simi Olurin ’24

Chanwook Park ’24 David Peng ’24 Michael Steinthal ’24 Arnav Tawakley ’24 Sarah Teng ’24 Miguel Von Fedak ’24 Joanna Wypasek ’24 Annie Lin ’25

Special thanks to: Astrology apps, for trying to motivate us but really just giving us the chance to snoop on our friends’ birth charts.

Front cover: Alex Taranto ‘23, who will pick up this issue, so you know the rest. (@adtaranto) Back cover: Serena Cheng ‘23, who has some very successful Woads visits in the cards. (@serenacheng_) Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIX, No. 4, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2020 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

ASTROLOGY 101: A GLOSSARY Retrograde. Retrograde describes an astronomical phenomenon in which the relative motion of two planets makes it seem like one is going backwards, much like how a loving relationship can feel perfectly fine to one person while the other one is already making plans to end things. If a planet is in retrograde, be wary—it could lead to some crazy behavior!

Equinox and Solstice. Equinoxes or solstices happen at every seasonal change and signal that a new period is upon us, not unlike when your girlfriend suddenly receives a “you up?” text message at 2am from a contact called “Pizza Hut.” As with any change, you want to be careful not to lose your way. Otherwise, you might experience intense anger and do something rash like smashing the $200 handcrafted vase you were going to give that conniving bitch for her birthday.

Cusp. If you were born on the cusp of two Zodiac signs, it means you were born right as the sun was hovering over the dividing line between them, and you are susceptible to traits from both. However, unlike with cats or dogs, or your devoted boyfriend and his traitorous best friend, you don’t have to make a choice here—you get the best of both worlds!

Elements. Each Zodiac sign is associated with one of the four elements. Depending on how present these elements are in your birth chart, you might exhibit its traits more or less heavily. I, for example, am a Fire sign, both passionate and generous, which I show by showering the people closest to me with affection and gifts.

An Earth sign, on the other hand, is grounded and practical, which they could show by leaving their 5’11”

aspiring comedian boyfriend for some guy who’s 6’1” and taking the MCAT next week.

Zodiac sign. Depending on what time of the year you were born, this sign will tell you what kind of person you are.

If, for example, like me, you are born in early April, which makes you an Aries, then you might be caring, attentive, and faithful. If, on the other hand, you are born in late December—a Capricorn—then you’re probably a manipulative liar who cheats on her boyfriend right after he’s finally mustered up the courage to tell her he loves her for the first time. That’s the beauty of the Zodiac signs—they’re as varied as they come.

But don’t place too much importance on these astrological predictions. Someone you think you know very well today could always surprise you tomorrow!

—J. Kilga

—C. Leakey

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue

YALE TO PROVIDE ALL STUDENTS WITH HEALING CRYSTALS FOR SPRING SEMESTER

By F. Gibson NEW HAVEN, CT― Amidst fears that the university’s rigorous testing program and restrictions on gatherings might fail to keep the virus away from campus, Yale’s administration has decided to add an additional precaution to protect students during the spring semester— a set of healing crystals to ward off any potential illness.

Dean Marvin Chun, in collaboration with the rest of the Yale administration, announced the new policy in an email to the student body last Wednesday. “We will be outfitting each student with healing crystals,” wrote Chun. “While social distancing and masks are somewhat protective, wearing a turquoise stone is a foolproof way to ward off the virus.” While Chun was unable to provide any statistical evidence to back his claim, he did confirm that he had been wearing the stone since March and has not caught the virus. “What more evidence could you need?” wrote Chun.

Not everyone on campus is convinced by Chun’s claims, however. In fact, a poll showed that the only Yale faculty members in support of the crystals are the professors in the divination department, a new branch of the university devoted to the studies of astrology, palm reading, and tarot, among other soothsaying techniques.

“Palm readings of Dean Chun and President Salovey show us that these crystals are the answer,” said a mysterious hooded woman claiming to be a professor of divination. “Also, Peter’s love line is one of the longest I’ve ever seen,” she said. “And you know what they say about long love lines.”

Despite the limited support, Dean Chun is still feeling confident. “The students and faculty can complain all they want about our new policy,” he remarked. “I’ll be here with my amethyst crystal to block all their negative energy.”

Shortly after his announcement, Chun was seen sharing an article on Facebook about the positive benefits of using lavender oil to treat symptoms of COVID-19.

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MY BUCKET LIST AFTER MY PSYCHIC SAID I WOULD DIE IN AN HOUR Pay her.

Freak out in the parking lot.

Google how long it would take to get to the Grand Canyon.

Google how long it would take to get to the nearest Jersey Mike’s Subs.

Drive to Jersey Mike’s Subs.

Order a Big Kahuna Chicken Cheese Steak, Mike’s Way. While waiting for it, call my boss and scream, “I QUIT YOU WORTHLESS CRACKER PIECE OF SHIT.” Call every person who has ever wronged me in any way, including my now-former boss, and make them feel like shit because I’m dying now and they can never repay me. When they start crying, tell them that they now owe me the remainder of their sorry lives and must find a way to open a path from the afterlife so I can return.

Revel in my victory over the assholes.

Inform my loved ones that I am about to die, but that I have guilt-forced my worst enemies from life into opening a channel back from the afterlife so they need to prepare the house for my ghost.

Open an Amazon Wish List for items I would like my family to have ready for when I haunt their house.

Eat my sandwich.

Listen to R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” exactly one time.

Listen to Justin Bieber’s “Baby (feat. Ludacris)” exactly four times.

Fart and burp uncontrollably because I ate that sandwich way too fast.

Realize I have spent 59 minutes making this list and despair at the fact that I have wasted my life and could have done so much more with my time on Earth.

Realize it’s been one hour and one minute and that the psychic probably scammed me.

Find a new psychic.

Google how to get to the Grand Canyon.

— A. Jeddy

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The Yale Record HOW TO READ YOUR UNO CARDS Yellow Cards: Harmony, clarity. Have you been recently thinking about something that you are unsure of doing? Like texting back an ex? Learning to crochet? Or maybe committing insurance fraud by burning down your dying pizzeria? Well, you’re in luck because this is your sign from the universe to do it! Any yellow card indicates that your thoughts and intentions are clear-minded and harmonious with the universe’s will.

Now is the perfect time to buy that house in Colorado! Or just some matches, hypothetically.

Blue Cards: Awareness, intuition. A blue card unveils your lack of awareness in certain aspects of your life that need repair.

Listen to your intuition, find these holes, and repair them, just like how you are going to repair that one hole in the middle dining room with tissue paper and exposed wire, for décor purposes of course!

Red Cards: Fate. Fate is one of the most powerful forces of all.

When drawn, the red card warns one of the inevitable — that nobody wants to eat gummy worm pizza. In other words, stop trying to force things that are not meant to happen. If it just happens that you’re lighting a candle, but the match seems to accidentally slip out of your hand at the very last minute, don’t interfere with your destiny. Just go with the flow!

Green Cards: Love, passion. The green card deals with your inner self as it calls for self-reflection. Who and what do you love?

Gummy worm pizza? Or something marketable? Reassess your current relationships and passions and focus on those that you find are important. Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people with a zeal for living life! Like that one sketchy friend that has just gotten out of prison for burning down the old rock factory.

Wild Card: Change, growth. Change and growth are natural occurrences of life. The wild card signifies an ushering in of this change and growth in the near future. It calls for the an uprooting of old ways and laying down of new ones that will better your life. That could be as simple as abandoning an annoying habit, starting a new diet, or storing some gasoline in that one greasy oven at your restaurant. Burn those old bridges and build new ones!

Draw +4: Power, temptation. This card signifies a great shift of power in your life. It warns that you must not be tempted to greatly abuse this power when it comes in your grasp. But, this doesn’t restrict you from capitalizing on this power just a bit! When the time comes, like when the tax collector rolls around to your restaurant to collect three years’ worth of tax payments, put this new flame of energy to use. You’re on fire, baby!

I WENT TO THE ORACLE AT DELPHI AND SHE TOLD ME TO SELL MY EXXONMOBIL STOCKS

It was a warm, Greek day when I arrived in Delphi. Part of me thought I would never get to meet her— I mean, first of all, parking was practically impossible. But after finally finding a spot and walking a couple of blocks, I glimpsed at the columns of Apollo’s temple rising over the landscape, and I knew I had arrived. A couple stood before the famed oracle. A man spoke to the high priestess: “So you’re saying divorce?”

“As an oracle, I’m not allowed to give direct answers, but that’s exactly right,” the high priestess answered. “Enjoy the rest of your honeymoon!”

Now it was my turn, so I approached the woman. I gave her my name, and she sat me down. She furrowed her brow and told me that I would have a large family— three boys, one girl, and a grumpy Boston terrier named Buster.

“That’s great!” I said, “But I was actually wondering about something else.”

“Ah, I see,” she replied and lifted her arms up in the air.

After a moment, she prophesied that my ingrown toenail surgery would be successful. That was cool and all, but I still had one particular question in mind.

“You are an inquisitive sort,” she said. “You’re lucky I’m the best seer in the world and can tell you anything you want to know.”

“Excellent!” I replied, “Should I sell my 254 shares in ExxonMobil?”

“Except that. I cannot tell you that,” she said.

I was angry. Did I fly all the way to Greece just to have my burning question dismissed? She began to explain.

“Believe it or not, this gig doesn’t pay as much as you might think, and my ex-husband got half of all my fortunes in the divorce. So I had to take on a side job, and as of last year, I’m on the executive team at ExxonMobil, working mostly on supply chain management and retail operations.”

I was saddened that she had no interest in insider trading. After all, I don’t need a prophet to know that equal access to information is a key premise of a fair market. She told me to go. “But the gods speak through you,” I pleaded, “so it’s not really you, the Exxon exec, who’s telling me anything. Plus, ya know, who’s to say I didn’t hear this from another oracle? Maybe I’m just…good at prophesying myself.” Granted, there wasn’t a lot of legal precedence for this argument. Oracular law is still new. So I told her I would leave her alone if she would give me counsel.

“Okay fine. Sell the damn stock,” she said, “and buy shares in Oracle instead.”

—J. Wypasek —J. Gustaferro

Yale University T he C orporate A merica I ssue

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Coursetable Evaluation of Planets and Stars

ASTR 110 01 Planets and Stars Q: What is your overall assessment of this course?

Poor.

Q: What are the strengths and weaknesses of this course and how could it be improved?

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—S. Karp

The Yale Record

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MATTEL ANNOUNCES RELEASE OF BARBIE “I CAN BE... AN ALTERNATIVE HEALING MOTHER” DOLL

By D. Kulmizev EL SEGUNDO, CA— Barbie doll collectors may find themselves searching the shelves this weekend for the latest in Mattel’s iconic “i Can Be” collection of Barbie dolls. Joining the ranks of previous dolls such as BarbieⓇ Polar Marine Biologist and BarbieⓇ nurse with stethoscope, Barbie “Alternative Healing Mother” is the newest in Mattel Inc.’s line of dolls meant to help young girls dream big.

“Our dolls have and always will be driven towards helping young girls visualize their futures. Alternative Healing Mother BarbieⓇ aims to do just that,” Ron Ronson, president of Mattel Inc., said in a statement earlier today. “With her rose quartz pendant and her herb bottles, Alternative Healing Mother BarbieⓇ is ready to take on Big Medicine equipped with her natural healing remedies and the sheer force of girl power.”

Alternative Healing Mother BarbieⓇ is said to be the first scented BarbieⓇ, bearing the scents of lavender and sage. Her accessories will include a laptop open to an anti-vax Facebook group, a medical degree from the School of Hard Knocks, and, according to the website, a “Bedridden Child with Chickenpox” doll.

When asked about the influence the new doll might have on young girls, Ronson explained, “Look, I know that some people are concerned that this might make children anti-science and lead them to question basic facts. But did I mention that she has girl power?”

At press time, sources at Mattel Inc. have informed us that the company has also created focus groups for BarbieⓇ “i Can Be… a Pandemic Denier” and BarbieⓇ “i Can Be… a Doomsday Prepper.”

FAMOUS PREDICTIONS MADE BY THE STARS The birth of Jesus of Nazareth (0 AD). The three wisemen, upon seeing the star of Bethlehem rise in the East, travelled in its direction to Jerusalem, where they predicted the birth of the King of the Jews.

The Big Bang (0, 0, 0000). The alignment of constellations was used as an accurate predictor of the birth of our universe. Astrologers were able to calculate that suddenly there were constellations, so the universe probably exists now.

The Resignation of President Richard M. Nixon (August 8th, 1974). It was the summer of 1974, and Nixon’s dirty deeds and corruption had finally caught up to him, forcing the Capricorn to give up the office of the presidency, shocking the nation. That is, except the nation’s astrologers. For we knew that when Jupiter is in retrograde, our most destructive behaviors inevitably come out.

U.S. involvement in World War I (January 1917). When he was just a child, Arthur Zimmermann’s astrological consultant warned him that, as a Libra, he is not only destined for diplomacy but of “inauspicious notes he may write proposing alliances between Germany and Mexico that are vulnerable to American interception.” And the rest is history.

The extinction of the dinosaurs (April 4th, 66,000,000 BC). T-Rex astrologer Grrrrarr predicted the mass extinction after noticing a minor alteration within the night sky. What Grrrrarr saw was actually a big ass asteroid the size of New York City hurtling towards him. We may have lost a great astrological mind that day, but his legacy lives on forever.

The assasination of John Lennon (December 8th, 1980).

John Lennon, a massive star, actually predicted his own death when he saw an assassin point a revolver at him.

—S. Leone

—A. Taranto

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Use them as starting points at an improv show

ith em w h t p in Swa ards c e c chan oly op Mon

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card as a Send the Death sympathy card

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Coasters.

Submit the Lovers card with your essay so the hot TF sees it ;)

—Staff

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue

HOW TO CASUALLY ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND WHAT TIME HE WAS BORN

1. Feign drunkenness. Staging a drunken confrontation is one of the most natural ways to confront your boyfriend. Hide OceanSpray Cran-Raspberry Cocktail in a wine glass and emulate the behavior and speech pattern of that one aunt who goes a little too hard at Thanksgiving. To sell the performance, try stumbling into a table or sobbing uncontrollably before asking. Your boyfriend will blame the weirdness of the question on the pinot he thinks you pounded. You might get a concerned text the next morning, but some things, like figuring out what sign was on the eastern horizon when your boyfriend was born, are worth your dignity.

2. Change your major to astronomy. Preface your burning question with the lie that you’ve changed your major to Astronomy. Chances are he won’t even realize there’s a difference between astronomy and astrology, so he’ll just assume your question is for a class project. This strategy does involve potentially a change of career path into a nonexistent job market, but it won’t matter once you have joint accounts with your soulmate!

3. Contact his mother. You know who definitely will know what time your boyfriend was born? His mother! She can even fill you in on other exciting astrological timepoints on the day of his birth, like when he broke the amniotic sac, first cried, and took his first shit. I promise, he’ll think it’s cute, not weird, when you ask for Susan’s email. If you’re too shy to ask him, you can always try tracing his cell phone until you find her home address.

4. Hack into his Social Security account. Access your boyfriend’s Social Security number. Process its area, group, and serial numbers. Use these to identify the hospital where he was born. Contact the hospital’s records department. Demand to seek access to birth archives within a two year range of his birth year.

Pretend to work for the government, if necessary.

No one has called me out on this so far. If they do, it’s only a hefty fine or just a teeny bit of jail time.

And maybe you’ll have a hard time explaining your criminal record when applying to jobs in the field of astronomy, which you don’t even really like in this first place. But, hey, only the stars can know if he’s the one!

—A. Golden

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POINT: ASTROLOGY IS REAL Critics can doubt it all they want, but the facts reveal a simple pattern— astrology doesn’t care about your feelings.

Astrology is defined as “the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on human affairs and the natural world.” It is easily proven that this is a fact.

Take, for instance, a well-known celestial body: the sun. When the sun is in the sky, I am awake. When it is not, I am asleep. It is patently ridiculous to argue that the position of the sun does not affect our lives.

Fine, that last example is technically anecdotal. How about this, though? In August 2017, the sun and the moon crashed into each other, and we got a few hours off of school. That sure sounds like “the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies having an influence on human affairs” to me.

If that’s not good enough, how about the fact that when the moon is full, the werewolves come out? Boom.

Astrology is real.

COUNTERPOINT: NOTHING IS REAL Guess what, nerd? Nothing is real. Astrology? Not real. Money? Not real. Love? You guessed it, not real.

Fact of the matter is, everything is just a social construct. Evidence, causation, the moon—all just cute little stories we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

It’s just a big ol’ house of cards. And the sun? The sun is a really bright flashlight that the government shines on us so we can’t see what they’re hiding up there without damaging our eyes. Maps, satellite imagery, and extensive research mean nothing to me until I can see this “solar system” for myself. And I think the fact that I haven’t been asked to go to space yet tells you everything you need to know.

Truth is, the only “celestial body” I care about is the body of my beautiful girlfriend. Unfortunately, she is not real either.

—B. Hollander-Bodie

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The Yale Record

ESSENTIAL MINERALS THAT SHOULD BE IN YOUR TAP WATER Magnesium. Magnesium is an essential mineral that should be found in everyone’s tap water! It plays an important role in regulating blood pressure, blood glucose levels, and nerve function.

Fluoride. At the dentist, it is common practice for the dentist to slather a layer of fluoride on one’s teeth. But that costs you time and money! Just skip those pricey dentist visits and put fluoride in your tap water instead.

Lead. Lead may have been banned from paint, but it should not be banned from your tap water. Some may call it “lead poisoning,” but it’s a proven source of endless mind-altering creativity! It’s like adderall if adderall was lead.

Radium. Radium is a special “mineral,” for, unlike the other minerals, it radioactively decays. This key feature of radium provides new benefits for those looking to flush their gut to rid nasty bacteria that may be the culprit for your gastrointestinal issues. Once it enters your GI tract it will immediately work to break down all bacteria in site. Your insides will be glowing with health!

Arsenic. Arsenic is a naturally occurring element in the crust of the earth. And, as many of you already know, something that is natural and something that is good for you are pretty much the same thing! Arsenic is so good that it’s a natural anti-aging mineral. With this in your tap water, you’ll never have to worry about looking a day over your current age!

—J. Wypasek

LESSER KNOWN SUPERSTITIONS If you break a mirror, you’ll have to buy a new mirror If you’re born on Friday the 13th, you have a bad personality If you walk under a poorly constructed ladder, it might fall on you If you eat the silica gel packet, it’s bad for you If you see a black cat, but pretend you didn’t, nothing bad happens, but the cat will know you’re a liar If you step on one crack, you have to step on every other crack too If you step on your mother’s back, she’ll whoop your ass If you do crack, you’ll have a good time If you smoke weed, you’ll die —Staff

U.S. INVADES GWYNETH PALTROW’S HOME FOR ESSENTIAL OILS

By A. Buchholz AMAGANSETT, NY — Around 2AM last Monday, Gwyneth Paltrow woke up to hear the rustle of leaves and the footsteps of troops marching towards her lawn in The Hamptons.

Her life has not been the same since.

In what the actress describes as “The second most terrifying moment of her life, after the time, behind the time Burt left Burt’s Bees,” the United States Military proceeded to invade Paltrow’s home, knocking over her succulents and tearing down her hand woven tapestries.

Sources say the Pentagon was hoping to secure their own reserves of lavender and chamomile oil.

The invasion comes after polls that indicated a shift in public opinion against waging foreign wars for oil. Forced to focus on domestic sources of oil, Congress came up with the solution of seeking reserves of essential oils in the homes of suburban anti-vaxxer mothers, like Paltrow.

In a press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the press, “Americans need oil. It’s a part of our culture, from fueling our private jets to fueling the cars our chauffeurs drive!

I’m sure Gwyneth will understand why we had to do it. It’s for the public good.”

The UN and Red Cross Association have already sent healing crystals to the demolished home, but it will take time to rebuild, especially as rival forces like the Homeowners Association and PTA vie for Gwyneth’s unstable territory.

Despite this continued dispute, Paltrow is still in good spirits. “I’m a little shaken up, but it’s nothing a little meditation can’t fix!” she said in a tweet last Thursday. “As long as they don’t take my vagina candle. Then we’d have a problem.”

At press time, sources say that the Department of Defense was looking into a possible raid of Snoop Dogg’s Hollywood mansion in order to secure hemp oil.

MY FOOLPROOF NIGHTTIME SKINCARE ROUTINE (SPONSORED BY WD-40) T he C orporate A merica I ssue

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1. The first step is a nice deep cleanse with the WD-40 Specialist® Contact Cleaner. This industrial-strength cleanser will blast away any dirt or grime that’s gunked up those pores, and it comes in an easily sprayable metal canister! Its hefty metal tube is also great for killing any bugs that may be crawling around your stone floor.

2. Once those icky sticky pores are all cleaned off that gunky face, it’s time for some active ingredients! The WD-40 Specialist® Penetrant really digs in deep, just like the overwhelming sadness of being locked in an underground dungeon!

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3. Now it’s time to jump into moisturizing with the WD40 Specialist® Heavy-Duty Grease. This moisturizer is thick and occlusive, and it maintains its strength even through extreme pressure and severe marine conditions! But be warned— this product is not meant to alleviate the stress of the cold, stagnant air of the catacombs under WD-40 headquarters. For that, check out WD-40 Specialist® Bike Chain Lube!

4. Lastly it’s time to lock in all that hard work with the WD-40 Specialist® Silicone. This ensures that your skin will be not only radiant, but will even maintain the appearance of hope and a will to go on!

And that’s all for my skincare routine! Thank you to WD-40 for sponsoring this content, graciously housing me, and having the mercy to drop off some food scrap and extra Bike Chain Lube for me last week!

— A. Beer

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The Yale Record

FORTUNE TELLERS CRYSTAL BALL READING OUTLINES SIX STEP ECONOMIC RECOVERY PLAN Deep in the fissures of this ball of clear, I see the dim beginnings of brightness near. There is great pain in your life, dear Jerome, and your suffering may continue to continue apace, but to seek in me your solution, you know the right place. This crystal ball before you has solved problems greater than nine-anda-half percent unemployment— just ask that snapping turtle that always dreamed of marrying a Secretary of Transportation! And for you, Jerome, I’ll seek solutions new, for a fee of twenty-and-two (so reasonable, true).

I look into my crystal, and I see… yes… no… could it be? Six Steps Toward an American Economic Recovery? Just what you dreamed of, isn’t it, Jerome?

The crystal sees an intuitive start: at least half a trillion dollars of quantitative easing every two quarters to assuage concerns of a liquidity crisis and bring rates down, which will in turn push investors toward infrastructure projects that both provide short-term jobs and lasting improvements to infrastructure.

Next I will light this candle, and as my ball catches the light, I see butterflies of white ignite! Can you see what this means Jerome? Yes... yes... the second step of your recovery effort must be to forgive conglomerates for corporate inversions to Ireland and the Congo, encouraging the return of billions of dollars and countless jobs to American shores. Such a clear sign of

mine! It means the path is narrow, but wide enough for two steady feet.

Feet. Feet! That’s it! I see boots, two of them marching along—and a basket! Generations of truthseers before me are telling me that you must seek expertise from an unexpected source— a man who is jacked up and ready to use force. He hides now in the last bastion of American exceptionalism, the enlisted ranks of the US Army. This man’s name, my crystal says, is Private Second Class John C. Equity. He must lead your recovery task force.

You will know your next step if the previous three have failed. A basket weighed down by a pound of flesh, the headline prevailed. Failed easing at the behest of Private Equity will end his service. Instead, his perfectly symmetrical face will contort itself into exquisite televised rage just before he kisses the reed basket live from Times Square. What a sight I see, oh the grandeur of this all-mighty prophecy!

But if his easing succeeds, the basket will be empty, so you must fill it with the Pound, the Honky Dollar, the Peruvian Nuevo Sol, and the Vietnamese Dong.

So ordains the crystal round and sure.

I’ll admit, the crystal ball is not sure how the last two steps will make you feel, but any two de-regulations of your choice should seal the deal. And then America will thrive, and you will be hailed as the smartest man alive!

—J. Eldred

—M. Kuo

The Mercury in Retrograde Issue HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW THAT YOU KNOW HE’S A PISCES You remember exactly where you were when it happened — when your boyfriend told you he was born on March 3. It didn’t take long to put the pieces together, and the world would never be the same. You just learned that you’re dating a Pisces.

Suddenly, aspects of his personality started to make sense — his big dreams, his disorganization, the way he clung to you whenever you tried to leave for the grocery store, his conviction of vehicular manslaughter from 2017.

Things that originally seemed cute and endearing turn out to be part of a bigger picture, so how could you have missed the signs? You could have excused this behavior if he was at least a Libra rising, but Pisces? Impossible. You have to find a way out. But how?

Pisces hate confrontation. So, when he’s least expecting it, hit him over the head with a hammer and leave him stranded in the middle of a field. When he wakes up, groggy and disoriented, he’ll notice the fire in the grass around him spelling “We’re over.” Trust me, this way is much better for both of you, and really the only way to break up if you still want to be friends.

But the work isn’t over yet.

Pisces men, like other feral animals, are prone to stalking. The pallet trucks at Home Depot should be large enough to move your entire dorm room to a remote part of Kansas. It might be lonely at first, but you’ll feel right at home soon enough! Most importantly, just remember to ask all the hot farmers you meet when their birthday is before agreeing to a date. That is, of course, unless you’re itching to relocate to the Arctic Circle.

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because it would be awkward to get rid of you. Also, your laugh is annoying, your haircut looks bad, and your political opinions are wrong!

Your Teeth Show Up to School Naked. This is an easy one — it’s because you don’t floss!

Your Kidneys Gain Speech and Tell You That You Have Kidney Worms. Check your kidneys for kidney worms.

Believe me, I learned this one the hard way. You’ll thank me later.

Receiving a Breakup Text From Your Dog. Now is the time to rekindle your relationship with your dog, before it’s too late. Remind yourself of what made you so happy in the first place. Take your dog out to dinner, or just make some little gestures of love. But no matter what, you have to respect your dog. Otherwise, the relationship is bound to fail. Again, I know from experience.

Orgy with the Entire Seinfeld Cast. Ah, a classic! Recall which characters seemed to genuinely love you and care about you rather than merely lusting after you.

Your Seinfeld suitors may tell you a great deal about yourself. Jerry indicates you are ready to begin a new chapter in your life. Elaine says that your hard work may finally pay off. George means that your new fad diet will fail. And, last but not least, Kramer is a sure sign of incredibly painful constipation to come. Trust me.

—B. Hollander-Bodie

—M. Kuo HERE’S WHAT YOUR COMMON DREAMS REALLY MEAN Every night, you dream. I mean, I’m not there, so I wouldn’t really know, but you probably do. Anyway, recent advances in psychology have allowed us to understand dreams better than ever before. So, to help you understand what your unconscious mind is trying to tell you, let’s take a look at some of the most common dreams that I’m sure we’ve all had over and over again, and what they might be trying to tell us.

Falling, Being Late to School/Work, or Taking a Test.

These dreams all mean the same thing: All of your friends secretly don’t like you — they only tolerate you

—C. Leakey

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The Mercury in Retrograde Issue

DOJ OPENS INVESTIGATION INTO YALE UNIVERSITY FOR NOT ADMITTING ENOUGH LIBRAS

By A. Buchholz NEW HAVEN, CT — The DOJ filed a lawsuit against Yale University last Monday, alleging Zodiac-based discrimination against Libras. The lawsuit stated that Yale “discriminates against students born between September 23 and October 22, otherwise known as Libras, and that astrology is the determinative factor in hundreds of admissions decisions each year.”

“National security, tax evasion, and civil rights are bottom tier issues for the department,” A DOJ representative said in a statement last week. “But this astrological discrimination among Ivy League elites betrays America’s founding values, and it must be put to an end before any more upper-middle class kids from Greenwich, who just happen to be Libras, get hurt.”

Some students were actually able to notice this discrepancy on campus. “I came to Yale for its diverse student body,” said Maggie Ramirez, SM ‘24.

“So far I’ve met a dozen Scorpios, a vegan, and a Republican. I even found a first-year who enjoys being in Saybrook! But still no Libras.”

When asked for comment, President Peter Salovey (Pisces) said, “Yale is committed to looking at the entire birth chart when deciding who to admit, and sun sign is a small factor in the equation.” Jeremiah Quinlan, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions (Taurus), further justified the university’s admission decisions. “We want a diverse community, with a proper balance of Fire, Earth, Air, and Water signs.”

Per the DOJ’s subpoena, Yale publicized its holistic admissions process. Based on an analysis of students’ birth charts, Libras often are “incompatible” with admissions officers. Yale Admissions officers also provided evidence that fewer Libras apply early to Yale, likely due to their notorious indecisiveness. According to these officers, since fewer regular decisions applicants are admitted, Yale reels in fewer air signs.

While the investigation is ongoing, sources in the admissions office received word from the DOJ that they are now encouraged to consider other factors, such as “extracurriculars” and “test scores” in their admission process.

WHAT DID PLUTO EVER DO TO YOU? So I heard from a buddy of mine that the big guys down at NASA have been tryna get rid of old Pluto.

Now I know this ain’t breaking news or nothin’ but things take a while to reach me down at the end of the goddamn solar system. Not only does light take fiveand-a-half hours to travel 3.2696 miles, but I have a so-called ‘3rd grading reading level,’ so yeah, I’m a little late. Anyway, look pal, I know I’m a small planet, don’t get it twisted, but last I checked I was doin’ pretty well in terms of popular support! There’s a lotta dogs named after me, and not the ugly wrinkly kind either.

And why me, huh? Sure I can be a little dreary, a little cold, but what’d I ever do to you? Did I rough up your cousin Anton behind a Denny’s when he didn’t get me the upgraded rocks I paid for? Maybe so, but that’s none of your goddamn business. And why not Neptune instead? Neptune’s a total shmuck. Neptune hasn’t worked a day in his sorry little life, and every 248 years, he’s tryna take my place as the outermost planet! Get in your own goddamn lane!

Now you talk the big talk about givin’ me the boot, but how’re you actually gonna do it, huh? Shoot one of them atom bombs at me? Nah, I swear I will come down on you like the Lord’s justice. I promise if you cross me I will rain flaming rocks on your astrophysicist little ass for millennia. If you come for me, I can end you. And what are you gonna do about it, mister pocket protector? Tiny rocket man. Fragile little calculator bitch boy.

You think you can hurt me by saying I “don’t meet all the necessary planetary criteria,” but I’m fucking untouchable. They clipped Eris and Ceres, and I’m not gonna be next! I was here before your grandma and I’ll outlive your great-grandkids. And you know what?

Maybe I don’t even wanna be a planet. Bet you didn’t think of that! Who wants to be the runt of a family of nine? You were so caught up in your numbers and your precious theories you never even stopped to consider that maybe I would’ve stepped down quietly. But you couldn’t even shoot me a damn email. Well now I’m here to stay, punk!

—C. Rose

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The Yale Record

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YOUR HOROSCOPE Aries (March 21-April 19). You will have a bad day.

This should be obvious; you are the kind of sad sap who reads horoscopes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yeah, this is gonna be a rough day for you too. Perhaps you will get beaten up by the owner of an affordable midsize sedan made by Ford. I’m picturing a Ford Fusion. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Gemini (May 21-June 20). Lucky you, you are a Gemini, which is Italian for pasta.

Cancer (June 21-July 22). As this is the most popular month to pop out a baby, there are a lot of you little crustaceans running around. Too many, one might say. But today is not the day that all changes. The vast majority of you will not die in a landscaping accident today.

Leo (July 23-August 22). Life is good, and today is no exception. Picture a large bed. Not a king— bigger.

In the bed is your lifelong crush— I know it’s your fourth grade teacher, but horoscopes don’t judge.

Anyway, I’m the other person in that bed. For you, life is not so good. You will get your head stuck in a folding chair.

Virgo (August 23-September 22), Libra (September 23-October 22), Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21), Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21), Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19).

Jesus. I thought there were like five of these. Just read one of the other signs; it makes no difference at all.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18). Happy belated birthday!

Pisces (February 19-March 20). Today is a good day to check on your Leo friends. There is a good chance they are seething with jealousy, trapped in a piece of portable furniture, or both.

—H. Rubin

WORST SAYINGS TO GET IN YOUR FORTUNE COOKIE You will die on November 8, 2033.

Your wife might be cheating on you with one of the workers from the fortune cookie factory.

Duck.

Your resume could use some more action verbs.

We suggest a 20% gratuity of $7.89.

You should definitely go hunting with your friend Dick Cheney.

Duck!

Abraham Lincoln will die on April 15, 1865.

Your wife’s breasts are very firm.

I quit. Fuck Wonton Food Inc. Goose.

—Staff

—A. Mao

—A. Buchholz

T he C orporate A merica I ssue

23 RATING THE PHASES OF THE MOON

NEW

Waxing crescent

First Quarter

Waxing Gibbous

Full

Waning Gibbous

Third Quarter

Waning Crescent

New

Can’t see, smell, or touch anything. There’s nothing to lick either.

0/10.

Would probably taste like a toenail—but a good one, like gorgonzola. 7/10

With only one quarter, you have 25 cents, which happens to be the unit price of a Babybel cheese. What a weird coincidence. 1/4

Reminds me of the time I accidentally ate the shiny red wax off of my Babybel cheese. Perhaps the moon is wrapped in wax? Based on the refraction of light I’ve measured off the moon and Babybel cheese wax, I think it’s probable. 6/10.

While I was backpacking through France, I came across an artisanal delight. It was the most divinely moldy, fuzzy Roquefort cheese. I could only experience a lick, but it was the best lick of my life, and I’ve licked many, many things. (Hint: the Babybel cheese wax, the Babybel cheese itself, the toenails of many pedestrians).

Anyway, I call the tangy, fragrant full moon the “Roquefort of the sky,” and if I could get just one lick, I’d be forever satisfied. 10/10.

Maybe not as moldy and plump as the full moon, but I’d still give it a good lick. Plus, it looks like the waxing gibbous but backwards, and I am once again reminded of the sweet wax of the Babybel cheese. 9/10.

There are three quarters in 75 cents, the price of not one, not two, but THREE Babybel cheeses (and their wax). 3/4.

Another toenail, but this time a bad one, like an old brie! This definitely didn’t come from the same foot. 3/10.

Once again, nothing to lick. But this time, you finally figure out how many licks it takes to get rid of the moon. 10/10.

— C. Gainey & E. Qian Design by A. Mitchell

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