The National Geographic Issue

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

chair@yalerecord.com

POACHING PROBLEM AT YALE? STILL NO ELEPHANT SIGHTINGS

Dear Yale Administration, I have placed a bomb in the University Theater.

Regards, The Bobmer

Dear Nintendo,

My copy of Mario Party Deluxe is defective. Every time I play it, I am reminded of my adult son Guillermo the Plumber who passed away three years ago. Video games are supposed to be fun, not make you remember your dead adult son Guillermo the Plumber. Please send me a functioning copy of this game so I can party like Mario.

Sincerely, Diane

HEARTWARMING! WHEN YALE’S COVID ALERT LEVEL SHIFTED FROM GREEN TO YELLOW, THIS STUDENT’S URINE COLOR SHIFTED FROM YELLOW TO GREEN

TRAGIC MOUNTAIN LION ATTACK RESULTING IN SEVERAL INJURIES AND ONE UNCONFIRMED DEATH? THIS TRAGIC MOUNTAIN LION ATTACK RESULTED IN SEVERAL INJURIES AND ONE UNCONFIRMED DEATH Dear “Bobmer” lol, You misspelled “Bomber” lol.

Regards, Yale Administrabmtion lol

HYPOCRITE! STEPHEN SONDHEIM WROTE SONG CALLED “BEING ALIVE” Dear Student, We apologize for the delay in response to your request for emergency contraceptive pills. They are available for pick up at the Yale Health building.

Sincerely, Yale Health Dear Yale Health, It’s been 9 months. I had the baby. I’m registered at Babies R Us. Sincerely, Student

MIXED MESSAGING? I AM ON PROZAC BUT I’M NEUTRAL ON PEOPLE NAMED ZACH

THE YALE RECORD

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YALE RECORD The National Geographic Issue December 17th, 2021

Dear Leif Erikson, What’s it like to have been one of the first Europeans to set foot on North America, hundreds of years before Christopher Columbus and to be remembered millennia later by the annals of history?

Sincerely, Kevin

1 | Mailbags and Snews 6 | The National Geographic Editorial 8 | Shorts 10 | Feature Constellation Guide 13 | Feature The World of the Meerkat 14 | Feature Homo Erectus: Out Of The Caves 16 | Feature Art In Color 18 | News And Lots Of It 21 | Feature Great Apes: Shadows In The Graveyard

“YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?” SAYS STUDENT ABOUT TO RUIN ANY CHANCES OF BEING ELECTED Dear Kevin, Hinga dinga durgan imma viking haha i got horns on my helmet woooahhhhh.

Best, Leif

OOPS! IT TURNS OUT JACK ANTONOFF IS A GRAMMY-AWARD WINNING MUSIC PRODUCER AND NOT THE WEIRD GAME YOU PLAY WITH THE EASTERN EUROPEAN GUY BEHIND AUTOZONE

22 | Studies

Dear Tail,

24 | Quiz Corner What Animal Are You?

Though you have thus far evaded my advances, I will not rest until I catch you. Indeed, I patiently await the day when I will chew your hairy, luscious flesh between my doggy teeth.

30 | Feature The Practice and Purpose of Nocturnal Vocalization In Birds

Regards, Jeremiah the Dog

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY! BIG DAVE’S FAMILY FUNERAL HOME BURIES CATHOLICS TWICE AS DEEP Dear Jeremiah the Dog, I am one with you, just as Adam was one with God, just as we all shall again be one with the earth. Look deep within... indeed, you have already caught me. Be at peace. But you must never grow complacent. Seize the day, for tomorrow is naught until it is upon us.

Best, Tail

YALE ABOLISHES ART PROGRAM IN FINAL ATTEMPT AT ACHIEVING A TOBACCO-FREE CAMPUS Dear Jake, I am writing to you on behalf of the Patrick Henry High School Yearbook Committee to confirm your senior quotation, which I will quote as submitted here: “‘There are two kinds of men. Those who are in love with Emmylou Harris, and those who haven’t met her.’ —Willie Nelson.” Though this does follow the Patrick Henry High School Yearbook committee’s guidelines for senior quotations, it is a little weird, so we wanted to make sure that this is what you want to appear under your name in this year’s Reflections.

Best, Sally Editor-in-Chief of the Patrick Henry High School Yearbook she/her/hers “There are basically two types of people.

People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.” – Mark Twain

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE Dear Sally, My quotation is not weird; the word you’re looking for is “true.”

I, for example, am not in love with Emmylou Harris, nor do I have any idea who that is. But I find the quotation in your email sign-off weird, particularly because it was I, not Twain, who first uttered those words.

Best, Jake Editor-in-Chief of the Patrick Henry High School Yearbook

BODY POSITIVITY WIN! THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE SHIT BUT DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE! Dear Encyclopedia Brown, Here’s a quarter. Now solve my dad’s murder. I found Pop’s body underneath the front porch.

Decaptitated. Murderer left a note written in his blood. If you think detective work is all stolen bikes and buttercups, then you got another thing coming pal.

Sincerely, Fergus “Rusty” Mitchell

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“CHANGE IS HARD” SAYS MAN ABOUT TO INVENT DOLLAR BILL Dear Fergus “Rusty” Mitchell, It was Mayor Jenkins that killed your father! In his alibi, he said he approached the shed “from the east” and was “blinded by the evening sun.” The sun sets in the west, which would have been behind him as he approached. He must have come by the garden path, placing him at the crime scene just in time for the murder. Thanks for the quarter!

Cheerfully, Encyclopedia Brown

NEW DATING APP FOR SENIOR CITIZENS UNVEILED CALLED “I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE AND I CAN’T GET UP” Dear Elementary School Custodian, Thank you for pouring that sawdust on my throw up after I threw up. Once I grow up we should get married.

Best, Ivy

FOR SALE:

Meat from a monkey or a kangaroo or a snake or something. Pretty tasty, people who tried it were mostly fine.

Obituary Correction In the Family Values Issue, we erroneously reported that Steve Irwin died after being attacked by a stingray. We have since learned that he actually died in a three-person duel with Sting and Ray Romano. We apologize for this error.

—I. Kothari

yale’s oldest stand-up comedy outlet

interested in STAND-UP COMEDY? participate in THE CUCUMBER!

performers wanted. no experience necessary. seriously, no experience necessary. you don’t even need to know how to read! (although if you don’t, you won’t be reading this.) email cucumber@yalerecord.com

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

2024 ASPIRATIONS? MY MOM MADE US VISIT OUR COUSINS IN IOWA FOR THANKSGIVING AND GRANDPARENTS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR CHRISTMAS Dear Ivy, Once you grow up? What do you think I work at an elementary school for? Meet me at the floor sink after indoor recess.

Best, Omar The Singing Janitor

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Dear Yale Record, I don’t care for your magazine.

Sincerely, Guy whose head got stuck in a beehive so he stumbled around and slipped on a banana peel and fell on a skateboard which slid him to a construction site where a crane lifted him to a rooftop where he fell onto a conveyor belt which took him to a woodchipper and he would have fallen in if some pigeons hadn’t knocked him towards a truck full of pillows, which pulled forward at the last second so instead he fell into a truck full of nails and also he shit himself

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Did You Know?

Neanderthals had a primitive form of “dying.”

When a member of the clan grew to a great age, they would lie down on the ground and pretend they were asleep forever.

WANTED

sensible gorilla who knows sign language because my dumbass pet gorilla can’t get past the alphabet.

—L. Broeksmit

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THE YALE RECORD

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he torrent above whips and whirls, but in the cave there is fire. The flickering glow within casts its shadows upon the cliff face: a roiling mass, figures, limbs.

Behind the pounding of the rain, a high melodic hoot wends its way through the turbid air. Come close, dear reader. Watch, listen. This is where the homo erectus sing. *

*

*

These days, most people view animals as a commodity. Rhino horns are ground up and used in sex drive pills for joyless married couples in New England suburbs.

Thousands of tons of hoof, the strongest material known to man, are used every year to build nuclear bunkers and above-ground pools. New Yorkers pluck live pigeons from telephone poles and peel them like bananas for a midmorning snack. There’s monkey blood in hand lotion. There’s chicken in nuggets.

We’d do well to treat the creatures of the earth with a little more respect. After all, we humans were once creatures ourselves. There was a time not too long ago when we ate bugs, climbed trees, and said things like “ooh ooh ah ah” unironically. But the early men, apes, man-apes, and ape-men that walked the earth in days of yore are gone. Millennia after their grisly demise, the telling of their history falls to us.

Three million years ago, the earth was a very different place. Giant sloths roamed the forests, hunting medium-sized sloths that nourished themselves on the nutrientrich pelts of tiny sloths. Instead of buildings, there were trees. Instead of swimming pools, there were rivers and lakes. A sun-dappled canopy shaded a dank and cozy underbrush where gross bugs made merry. Humanity was just a twinkle in the eye of a ratlike primoid, desperately trying to prove evolutionary viability to its pack by braining cave frogs with jagged rocks.

One million years later, the sloths were long dead, killed by a meteor they couldn’t outrun. From the rubble came homo erectus. They left the cave and faced the light of day. They befriended the intelligent fish people who had evolved simultaneously in a nearby tributary. They built the first huts out of mud and sticks. They built the first fires out of mud and sticks. They tried eating mud and sticks but that didn’t work so instead they hunted animals with mud and sticks.

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE Over thousands of years, they learned to work as a team.

They invented leaders and jail. In one voice, they sang a ballad that spanned the generations. The contours of their simian hoots grew subtle and defined, and language was born. Each word was a poem, each sentence a song. With this new tool in their arsenal, homo erectus quickly drove the fish people to extinction. They felled megafauna and built tambourines from hulking femurs.

When their leaders hogged the femur tambourines, they put those leaders in jail.

Life was not easy, but it was good. Many homo erectus thrived in the harsh conditions of the Pleistocene. Many more ate poisonous mushrooms, fought grizzly bears, or wandered into the frozen north and were lost to time. Fire proved a fickle ally. In their hubris, they torched whole forests, and evolved hairlessness over the millennia to assuage the ever-present smell of burning fur.

After another million years, a new hominid emerged. Homo neanderthalensis quickly dominated the prehistoric scene with their big brains and stubby arms. Their tools were sharper, their huts more spacious, and their jails more carceral. When they built fires, they always kept a bucket of sand nearby.

The erectus coped as well as they could. Some began hoarding mud to stymie the newcomers’ supply lines. The most immature ones sent gifts of feces that they insisted were a regional delicacy. A particularly dejected contingent returned to the cave and devolved over the next million years into the common garden snake. Still, erectus and the neanderthals lived in relative peace, and both species kept mostly to themselves. A few interbred to produce my ancestors, the Irish, and skirmishes ended in a matter of minutes because neither party had invented cruelty yet.

The good times couldn’t last forever, of course. Three Sam Leone ’23 Chair Jonas Kilga ’23 Online Managing Editor

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hundred thousand years ago, a tribe called homo sapiens marched out upright from a glen to the south. We crafted primitive guns from mud and sticks, and drank fermented sorghum juice that made every day feel like Christmas in July. The cruelest of us would ask oblivious hominids to spell “ICUP,” and then cackle with glee when they revealed that they hadn’t invented the alphabet yet.

The rest is prehistory. We devoured erectus and neanderthalensis or drove them north to icy graves. We hacked down forests with bronze tools and built enormous statues of triangles. We wrote, drew, and digitally designed the National Geographic Issue of the Yale Record to further humiliate our furry friends. We killed the creature within and without. Nothing could stop Man’s avarice. Nothing but His destruction.

Still, hope glimmers behind a pale blue veil. Somewhere beyond the tundra, maybe, homo erectus crouches at the heart of a glacier. He dines on fish and sleeps on a bed of seal pelts, safe from our machines and machinations. Someday we will be gone, one way or another, and maybe then he will return. Until then, read this magazine.

It’s got jokes in it. *

*

*

The torrent above whips and whirls, but in the cave there is fire.

Deep below the icy cathedral, blue-tinged shadows dance on the frozen sheets as they have for generations. Come close, dear reader.

Watch, listen. Somewhere, hidden, the dance continues. Deep in the cave, homo erectus sings his mighty song.

—J. Wickline Editor in Chief

Joe Wickline ’23 Editor in Chief

Diana Kulmizev ’23 Online Editor in Chief

Ayla Jeddy ’23 Publisher

Avery Brown ’23 Online Managing Editor

Clio Rose ’23 Managing Editor

Joe Gustaferro ’24 Managing Editor

Joanna Wypasek ’24 Managing Editor

Adriana Golden ’24 Copy Editor

Annie Lin ’25 Art Director

Erik Boesen ’24 Webmaster

Addison Beer ’23 Staff Director

Aarjav Joshi ’24 Business Manager

Jacob Eldred ’24 Merch Manager

Arnav Tawakley ’24 Copy Editor

Zosia Caes ’22 Rosa Chang ’23 Will Cramer ’22 Ethan Fogarty ’22 Sarah Force ’22 Luna Garcia ’23 Zuri Goodman ’22 David Hou ’22 Avery Mitchell ’23 Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Raja Moreno ’24 Bea Portela ’24 Ellen Qian ’23 Harry Rubin ’22 Marcy Sanchez ’22 Maya Sanghvi ’23 Alex Taranto ’23 Kaylee Walsh ’22 Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl Old Owl

Staff: Jocelyn Wexler ’22 Evan Cheng ’24 Raffael Davila ’23 Lily Dorstewitz ’24 Leo Egger ’23 Finn Gibson ’24 Jacob Kaufman-Shalett ’23 Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24 Lucy Santiago ’23 Malia Kuo ’24 Claire Sattler ’23 Alice Mao ’24 Katia Vanlandingham ’23 Simi Olurin ’24 Alexia Buchholz ’24 Dom Alberts ’25

Joel Banks ’25 Ari Berke ’25 Tara Bhat ’25 Edward Bohannon ’25 Lillian Broeksmit ’25 Adam Burch ’25 Emily Cai ’25 Evan Calderon ’25 Lizzie Conklin ’25

Andrew Cramer ’25 Madelyn Dawson ’25 Jackson Downey ’25 Larry Dunn ’25 Mari Elliott ’25 Grace Ellis ’25 Annette Forchoh ’25 Odessa Goldberg ’25 Evan Gorelick ’25

Audrey Hempel ’25 Rena Howard ’25 Ishikaa Kothari ’25 Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25 Emma Madsen ’25 Jacob Mansfield ’25 Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25 Maya Melnik ’25 Tyler Norsworthy ’25

Megan Sadler ’25 Tyler Schroeder ’25 Sophie Spaner ’25 Josephine Stark ’25 Lawrence Tang ’25 Cormac Thorpe ’25 Emmitt Thulin ’25 Natasha Weiss ’25

Contributors: Ella Goldblum ’24, Breanna Nguyen ’25, Logan Ledman ’23 Special thanks to: Homo Erectus, for teaching us how to love, laugh, and crush beetles with a chunk of cavestone.

Front Cover: Harry Rubin ’22 (@harrubin), who was tender and warm to Mr. Erectus for the entirety of the photo shoot.

Back Cover: Harry Rubin ’22 (@harrubin), who was extra tender and warm when photographing Mr. Erectus from behind.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CL, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year All contents copyright 2021 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

REINVENTING THE WHEEL: THIS ONE’S BETTER We’ve all heard of the wheel. It got a lot of hype when it first dropped—really revolutionized Mesopotamian grain lugging. Look, I’m not here to invalidate that. I’m all for lugging grain. I’m a huge grain guy. But I do think that this loyalty, nay, cultish devotion to the wheel has stood in the way of innovation for far too long. There have been no breakthroughs in wheel design in over five thousand years. Do you think Steve Jobs would stand for that big of a gap between iPhone models? Of course not!

Planned obsolescence would have sent that shit to the landfill years ago. That’s why I am here to announce the release of a brand new wheel—and this one’s even better.

The old wheel served its purpose well enough, but there were some glaring flaws that seriously detracted from user experience. For example, how often do you leave your bike, skateboard, or free standing wheel on an inclined slope for five minutes, only for it to be nowhere to be found upon your return? Too damn often I say. The flat sides of Wheel 2.0 ensure that this will never happen again. Once you plant one of its faces on the ground, it’s there to stay.

Another issue marring the original wheel design was its lack of structural integrity. A little too much weight, and the old wheel buckles to the shape of a bean. The unbeatable design of Wheel 2.0 is based on the strongest shape known to man, making it practically immune to collapse.

I am also conscious of staying on top of trends; anyone who’s anyone knows round is out. The Wheel 2.0 sports a chic modernist design, full of sharp corners

and avant-garde angles, a radical exploration of lines and planes. While it is still in Beta, I am already working on developing “isosceles” and “scalene” updates, to be ready by next holiday season.

—C. Rose

ANIMAL FACTS I’M PRETTY SURE ARE TRUE Lemur catta, commonly known as the ring-tailed lemur, were the first animals on record to engage in cuckolding for sexual pleasure.

Humans lose bones as they age, and most individuals have under 20 left by age 80.

The blobfish is sentient enough to understand what we call it, and tender enough to take it personally.

Fish can’t feel pain, according to a recent study by the fisherman’s union of Nova Scotia.

Crickets know how annoying they’re being, and they take a twisted, sadistic pleasure in it.

Chimpanzees have exactly 32 teeth, except for 33-tooth Steve, who was exiled by the 32-tooth high council to preserve the purity of the 32-tooth bloodline.

Platypuses are actually mammals.

Lemmings are the only non-human animals to have religion.

—L. Dunn

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

A LETTER TO THE EDITOR

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BIGGEST NOBEL LOSERS IN HISTORY

Dear Sir, I am writing to express my sincere shock and disappointment. Once an esteemed publication, National Geographic has become a grotesque and salacious caricature of its former self.

While before I could look forward to images of geothermal hot springs and geysers galore, today I am too often ambushed by soft-core pornography. As far as I can tell, National Geographic has had only one goal recently: to document every civilization in the world in which women walk around topless.

That’s not to say that I don’t want to be aroused—I do.

I really do. But this recent pussyfooting of yours is shameful; if you’re gonna do porn, just say so! You’re not fooling anyone with your “globally-conscious” nudie shots. What you’re doing now is like when my masseuse “accidentally” slips his finger up my butt—it’s not the worst thing in the world, but dammit, you could at least be a gentleman and give me some prior warning!

I trust that you will rethink your decisions. Needless to say, if I open your magazine and see another bare-assed tribeswoman instead of a majestic, steaming geyser, Jesus Christ himself will have to come and stop me from running a small but well-funded Facebook ad campaign against your organization.

Respectfully, Geyser Gabe —E. Gorelick FINCHES OF THE NEW GALAPAGOS

Bjørngenstern “BB” Bjørnsønne –– 1928 Nobel Laureate for Physiology. Bjørnsønne’s research on animal genetics is often overshadowed by the circumstances of his death.

Despite his name directly translating to “Beargenstern Son of Bear,” Bjørnsønne was mauled by his main research subject and dearest friend, a grizzly bear named Rocco. This was decidedly the lamest thing to happen to the scientific community during the interwar period.

Frederick Schmidt –– 1958 Co-Nobel Laureate for Physics.

Only four days after receiving his Nobel Prize, Schmidt moved to Lima, Peru and became a hermit. This was likely due to Schmidt’s realization that his wife had been sleeping with his collaborator and fellow Nobel Laureate, Jacob Hotpants Fox. Fox was under the impression Schmidt already knew of the affair, due to the nature of their Nobel-winning research “How Balls Deep Can I Go in Schmidt’s Wife?”

Milton Snavely Hershey –– 1977 Nobel Laureate for Peace. Due to an unfortunate mistranslation, the Nobel Committee nominated Hershey for his treatise on demilitarization entitled “Reese’s Peaces.” Upon discovering their mistake, the Committee requested Hershey return the solid gold medal, to which he responded “no backsies” and swallowed it whole. Hershey would go on to regret this seconds later as he choked on the medallion, resulting in his premature death at 120 years old.

Olde Amaethon Gwalchgwyn, He Who Must Not Be Disturbed –– Alt. Reality 1986 Nobel Laureate for Literature. While the Nobel Prize cannot be awarded posthumously, there are no regulations regarding interdimensional beings. Upon discovering the Tablet of Indeterminable Futures, Henceforth and Eternally, a set of prophecies written by His Olde Etherealness, the Nobel Committee summoned Him from the Between Worlds to accept his award. His very presence caused that reality to split from ours and cease to exist, which was pretty baller, but also super lame since no one in this timeline can remember anything about it.

Marie Curie –– 1903 Co-Nobel Laureate for Chemistry.

She may have won the Nobel Prize, but if she was so “smart” why couldn’t she figure out that radiation is dangerous.

—E. Cai

—E. Madsen

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THE YALE RECORD

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE NATURE IS BRUTAL

Out in the wild, there are no rules. Anything goes, and there is no one to enforce the laws that keep us safe in our human society. Here are some of the most brutal, shocking crimes that animals in the wild commit against each other: Murder — One of the main crimes committed in nature is murder. In fact, animals kill each other all the time, with almost no consequences for their actions. With little investment into investigative work, over 90% of animal murders remain unsolved, and murderers walk free when they should be in federal prison.

Public Indecency — If you ever catch a peek at an animal out in nature, you may have noticed that most of them wear no clothing at all. (Animal skin only counts as clothing when it hangs loose off the shoulders of a Russian princess.) Don’t they know that children could see that? It’s time to hide these animals away from innocent eyes, in federal prison.

Cannibalism — It’s a dog-eat-dog world, sometimes literally.

Rather than just going to the nearest Burger King, creatures of the wild will literally feast on meat of their own kind just to survive. One example of this is sharks. They eat fish, despite being fish themselves. How fucked up is that? Cannibalism is one of the most disgusting crimes out there, and it’s pretty obvious where cannibals belong (federal prison).

Loitering — Ever seen an animal lingering in public for prolonged periods of time with no apparent reason?

That’s called loitering, and while laws regarding loitering have been challenged and in some cases determined to be unconstitutional, anti-loitering laws are still in place in many locations. That means it’s time to crack down on these lawbreakers. After all, who would want to frequent a convenient store that a bunch of hoodlum badgers or vagrant pigeons had made their hangout spot? The only place that loitering animals should be able to “hang out” is federal prison.

War Crimes & Crimes Against Peace — Animals have also been known to commit war crimes. For example, ants have engaged in biological warfare, killed breeding ants and young, and launched surprise wars of aggression. It’s time for the animal kingdom to get its act together! Until then, we have no choice but to send any animal violating the peace to the Hague, and then to federal prison.

Trespassing — Have you ever noticed non-human pests in your home? Well, not only are they gross, they’re downright criminal. That’s your property, and they have no right to be there. This is an even bigger problem in the wild, where animals are more than happy to trespass on the private property of hardworking logging, mining, and farming

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corporations. We must kick these animals out of other peoples’ land and put them where they truly belong: federal prison.

Jaywalking — Many of God’s creatures are either too stupid or too irresponsible to properly follow “walk”/“don’t walk” signs. Next time a deer crosses the road at a location not marked by a Deer Crossing sign, make sure to do your civic duty and call the police. If, God forbid, a non-deer animal crosses at a Deer Crossing sign, just shoot on sight and toss the carcass in the nearest federal prison dumpster.

—B. Hollander-Bodie TOP 10 RESPONSES TO EPA VIOLATIONS 1. “We take full responsibility for the impacts our company’s oil spills had on oceanic ecosystems. In the next fiscal year, we plan to implement our new environmental initiative by partnering with Scrub Daddy to create an oil absorbing sponge.” - Exxon Mobil 2. “After twenty five years of trying, we have finally reached net zero emissions and we could not have done it without our bankruptcy and liquidation sale.” - BlockBuster 3. “Our transportation costs are incredibly low. All of our water is locally sourced, if you are also from the French Alps.” - Evian 4. “Every one of our warehouses is equipped with solar panels.

They aren’t working, but they are there.” - Amazon 5. “We have done our best to remedy the troubles caused by our alleged pollution of Lake Michigan, but how were we supposed to know that a bunch of Wisconsin freaks would try to swim in there?” - Chicago Department of Water Management 6. “In the wake of massive oil spills, we wanted to hit the problem head on immediately, so we replaced all of our plastic straws with recyclable paper straws!” - Exxon Mobil 7. “No really, we love the environment. Our phones are made from recycled bricks.” - Nokia 8. “We love giving back to the community AND the environment. That is why this year we are planting a single tree in front of our location in Boonton, New Jersey to counteract the pollution of our annual partners’ Gala.” - Walmart 9. “Our ‘D’ rating in Greenpeace’s 2017 Guide to Greener Electronics Report stands for ‘Damn Good at Protecting the Environment’” - Samsung 10. “Shit, I totally forgot about that oil spill. John, send someone down there with some dish soap.” - Exxon Mobil —E. Thulin

THE YALE RECORD

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LESSER KNOWN CRYPTIDS

QUIZ

ARE YOU A HUNTER OR A GATHERER?

3. Have you ever stared into a creature’s eyes as its life leaves its body, and lived with the crushing, gut-wrenching weight of another being’s soul on your conscience for years to come?

A. Yes B. No C. I was a minor and my records are sealed D. A lady never tells!

4. How confident are you in your knowledge base of which fruits, nuts, leaves, and roots are safe to eat, have medicinal properties, and/or ward away pests and dangerous predators?

A. Not Confident B. Somewhat Confident C. Fairly Confident D. Very Confident 5. Which herbaceous remedy would you most enjoy?

A. A minty brew B. A zesty lemon salve C. The blood of an animal you killed with stone tools D. A sweet but peppery syrup

—Staff

7. What’s your ideal vacation?

A. A lazy beachside weekend B. A log cabin in the woods C. Hunting and killing animals D. Staycation 8. Have you ever had gay thoughts?

A. Yes B. No 9. If you answered B to Question 8, are you sure?

A. No 10. Scenario: You’re lost in the woods and need to find food. Do you: E. Hunt F. Gather

Mostly E’s: You’re a hunter! You’re a natural leader, love the thrill of a fight, and aren’t afraid to get your hands dirty. You’re a master at taking down big game, but do you ever stop and wonder if this is all just a way to perform masculinity to finally earn the approval that your father never gave you as a child?

Happy hunting!

2. How many plants do you own?

A. None B. 1-4 C. 3-7 D. 10+

6. Have you ever died from accidentally foraging ​​Rubus chamaemorus, foolishly mistaking it for the common raspberry?

A. Yes B. Yes, but I ate it on purpose C. No D. Rubus? I hardly know us!

Mostly F’s: You’re a gatherer!

You’re social, work well in groups, and know your way around the old meadow. Your tribe taught you to distinguish a giant hogweed from a wild carrot with your eyes closed, but did anyone ever teach you how to not be such a spineless little wimp?

Keep picking those berries!

1. What’s your favorite season?

A. Spring B. Summer C. Autumn D. Winter

Smallfoot Rushmore the 4-Headed Giant My Hamster Buttercup The Biclops Edward Paperhands Bulkyman Somebody to fill the void Bailey Henderson Who ‘Borrowed’ My Cupcake Eraser My Cupcake Eraser The Positive Male Role Model

—D. Alberts

EVOLUTIONARY BASIS FOR MODERN DAY PHOBIAS The fear of heights evolved from a fear of birds The fear of birds evolved from my grandma’s parrot that knows too much The fear of snakes evolved from the Garden of Eden incident The fear of women evolved from the Garden of Eden incident The fear of water evolved from peeing the cave bed and being made fun of by your cave family The fear of failure evolved from when cave kids were mean at cave school Homophobia evolved from when homo erectus was mean at cave school The fear of public speaking evolved from when the other cave kid at the cave school Drawing Bee got “buffalo” (easy) and you got “car” (not yet invented, hard to visualize) The fear of tight spaces evolved from cave women having narrower birthing canals The fear of phobias evolved from the National Geographic Issue —Staff

—J. Wickline

—M. Dawson

—A. Mao

—B. Nguyen

—I. Kothari

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

EVOLUTION? MORE LIKE EVO-LIE-TION Get this. The other day, Junior comes back from school and starts doing his science homework. Apparently, he’s gotta make a model that shows how species have changed over time. Really? Evolution? In school?

Geez, thanks Newsom. While this state suffers from the highest rate of gender-reveal fires in history, I’m so glad you’ve kept yourself busy force-feeding kids with a THEORY. Now, don’t get me mixed up with these darn Evangelical whatnots. I don’t buy this Genesis crap that God created the world in just six days. I mean, how could God have watched Monday Night Football if He created the first man only on the sixth day? Makes no sense. You know, I’m actually all for this science stuff. Like when that apple that fell on Edison’s head gave him the idea to invent the first gravity—that’s real science. I’ve had enough of this “theory” nonsense that they call “evolution,” so I’m going to use real science to show evolution the door.

First, my sister’s cousin, Johnny—he’s allergic to bananas. Now, these smart-aleck scientists want to say people like you, me, and Johnny come from monkeys.

But there’s no way Johnny could’ve come from monkeys because, well, you know. I saw the kid last Thanksgiving after Meemaw force-fed him banana pudding. He threw it up all over the floor, just like how I’m throwing up this pile of garbage called “evolution.”

Second, I went to the zoo the other day, and the gorilla didn’t even recognize me? He didn’t even wave or anything like that—he just ignored me, eating his stupid little banana. If monkeys are our ancestors, shouldn’t they have the basic decency to smile and say hi to family?

I guess you can’t even ask that because of “Me Too” or whatever.

Third, all this evolution hot talk came from Darwin, who married his cousin. Are we really going to base our entire conceptualization of natural history off a dude who was so bad at getting girls that his family had to give him his cousin’s hand in marriage as a pity gift?

Lastly, why haven’t there been any cool evolutions in anyone’s lifetime? None of the marine animals have come on to land and grown feet and none of the land mammals have entered the ocean and grown fins. When I played Pokemon, I’d get those creatures to evolve every week!

You know when I’ll start to believe in evolution?

When pigs fly. Your turn, Bill Nye. —A. Joshi

17

ARTIFACTS THAT WERE SO COOL THAT I HAD TO TAKE THEM HOME Repatriation?! What a ridiculous concept. You expect moi, an intellectual, to give back the stuff my unpaid interns dug up?

You people were sitting right on top of it all this time before I came to loot it. You snooze, you lose. Anyway, here’s a list of my favorite priceless cultural artifacts from my souvenir shelf.

A chip of terra cotta. Dirt dorito. Tried to eat it once and I cracked my back molar.

The explicit side of The Rosetta Stone. Nothing like Ptolemy fanfic. Kept for personal reasons.

A single Mastodon tooth. My back molar fell out and I’ve been looking for a replacement all week cause my dentist doesn’t do walk-ins.

A section of cave writing. The first way humans left their mark on the world. It is only because of this written record that we know Grott Wuz Here. And what his peepee looked like.

Stonehenge. The whole thing. Big rök.

A Bronze Age sickle. I saw it used in a design for a funky flag a few years back and wanted my own.

Cleopatra’s eyeliner. She had the eunuchs going crazy. I will too.

—L. Broeksmit DINOSAURS DISCOVERED SINCE YOU WERE IN KINDERGARTEN 2008 CE The-tooth-fairy-is-your-cheap-ass-mom-giving-youloose-change-osaurus 2010 CE That’s-how-babies-are-made-odochus 2011 CE Ants-can-lift-hundred-times-their-body-lift-whileyou-can-barely-lift-yourself-up-from-bed-dactyl 2012 CE Diego-is-both-Dora’s-cousin-and-boyfriend-according-to-Google-iraptor 2013 CE Ant-queens-lay-over-eight-hundred-eggs-per-day-odon 2014 CE Not-to-burst-your-bubble-but-dinosaurs-wentextinct-millions-of-years-ago-you-idiot-osaur 2017 CE Your-biggest-mistake-in-life-was-not-appreciatngnap-time-in-kindergarten-oceratops 2019 CE Life-is-a-perpetual-cycle-of-suffering-and-maybeliving-a-short-insignificant-ant-life-would-be-more-fulfilling-dactyl 2021 CE God-is-dead-toothed-tiger 2022 CE Dinosaurs-faked-their-own-death-and-are-disguised-as-ants-osaurus —Staff

NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT • FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2021 • VOL. LXVIII, NO. 4 • yaledailynews.biz

Purdue Pharma To Halt Animal Testing, Begin Using Human Subjects

BY BETTY KUBOVY-WEISS STAFF REPORTER STAMFORD, CT— Animal rights activists celebrated a huge victory on Wednesday in response to Purdue Pharmaceuticals’ announcement that it will stop testing its narcotics on animals, and instead begin using human test subjects.

Pharmaceutical testing has long been a major point of contention for animal rights activists, who believe that our furry friends should have more rights than human beings.

“We could not be happier with Purdue’s decision,” said Peter Johnson, spokesman for Bunny Buddies, a trauma recovery center for rabbits and hares,“It’s about time

these innocent animals be spared this abuse.” Johnson says his past work has helped the animal rights movement garner victories against big names like M.A.C. Cosmetics, Burlington Coat Factory, and Build-A-Bear, a former children’s taxidermy store.

However, some human rights advocates are pushing back against Purdue Pharma’s decision, calling out the ethical implications of testing unknown drugs on humans.

David Cole, National Legal Director of the ACLU called out Johnson in particular for his “Bitches not Bunnies” proposal that specifically suggested using “overly ambitious women” in clinical trials as opposed to animal test subjects.

A Purdue nurse injects a human test subject with Tuscan “rage pheremones” to determine its safety for use on livestock.

“All I’m saying is that there are some human individuals clearly deserving of this risky scientific experimentation,” argued Johnson in defense, “I’m not going to say that we’re

better or more empathetic than you, but we are trying to make the world a better place, you know? In other words, some bitches just gotta be checked.”

A spokesperson for

Purdue Pharma and the Sackler family expressed the corporation’s excitement about this new phase of their company history.

“We really feel as though this is the way for Purdue to move into the future,” said Samantha Potts. “Our company has a history of caring for the wellbeing of our consumers, and from our experience when it comes to these products, our users can’t get enough.”

The first human subjects scheduled to undergo testing under Purdue’s new plan are Greta Thunberg, Kamala Harris’s niece, and the Clara Barton Middle School girls’ robotics team.

Meet NASA’s Newest Department

BY JACKSON DOWNEY STAFF REPORTER WASHINGTON D.C. —Earlier today, NASA Director Bill Nelson addressed the nation on the rose quartz steps of the Department Headquarters. For the first time in its 63 years of operation, Nelson announced, NASA will undergo a change in title, to the National Astrology and Space Administration.

“Science was, like, so last century,” Nelson

continued, “what we need is someone to realign the national Chakra, and that someone will be NASA.” Since the announced changes, teams from across the organization have been hard at work writing the tarot cards of the organization’s future.

While many of the details are still highly classified, sources close to the committee report that several Scorpios will be sent into orbit around the Gemini constellation to see if it makes a tangible impact

on their already touchy temperaments.

“We can’t wait to see how many come back alive,” the source remarked.

A new emphasis on aura has also brought sweeping change to NASA bureaucracy. The organization has officially replaced job interviews with Co-Star compatibility tests and implemented a hiring ban on Virgos for their “weird fucking vibe.”

Upon entrance to

any NASA facility, each employee will have their palm read beneath an Urban Outfitter’s Good Vibes Only poster to test for negative energy.

“We know palms don’t often change, but you can never be too sure,” Nelson commented. “These are life and death situations we’re dealing with here.”

NASA has officially done away with all calculations for launch times.

Instead, they will “go when the stars align.”

Most recently, the maiden voyage to Mars was postponed, until “Mercury gets out of its silly little Retrograde. We’re really trying to account for all the confounding variables.”

Shortly after his press conference, Nelson’s future at NASA was cast into doubt with the revelation that while he is a Libra Sun, he is also a Virgo cusp.

NEWS

“Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you.”

NIM CHIMPSKY CHIMPANZEE

John James Audubon: Fowl Play Suspected

BY TARA BHAT STAFF REPORTER Growing up, John James Audubon had a strange interest in birds, which he described as “an intimacy...perhaps a frenzy [that] must accompany my steps through life.” Audobon traveled across the United States, finding and painting an upward of 700 birds. But forensic pathologist Tim Kosh’s shocking discovery during a post-mortem examination implies that Audubon had a penchant for more than just bird painting.

Kosh discovered that Audubon’s corpse had heavy concentrations of neurotoxic

alkaloids in the cerebral area.

Neurotoxic alkaloids are associated with the Red Warbler, an extremely beautiful but poisonous bird. For the alkaloids to enter his brain, he needed to have extremely close interactions with the bird, forcing Kosh and other leading scientists in the field to question his bird-related intentions.

We have reason to believe that wildlife enthusiast John James Audubon was actually a carnivorous, murderous, pollotarian who ate every single bird he illustrated. Kosh’s data also forces us to conclude that he likely involved himself in amo- John James Audobon drew, ate, and rous congress with avians, the murdered his way through the bird details of which are much too populations of North America.

Point: I Fucking Hate Nature

BY KAYLEE WALSH COLUMNIST One of my favorite things to do is look at my phone. All the colors and sounds and words are so cool. Most of the time I don’t even open any apps—I just look at my home screen in awe, thinking about how far technology has come. Man, I love my phone.

Sometimes, though, after my eyes start to get all itchy and red, I decide I need to do something else. My mom always tells me that I should go outside and get some fresh air. I tell her that she sucks, and then I go on Twitter and tell my 133 followers that my mom sucks.

She knows not to tell me to go outside.

She knows that I fucking hate nature.

I just don’t get it! I look at trees and I start scrolling on the branches, until I remember that it’s not a touch screen and it’s just a lame fucking tree. There are a lot of awesome things in the world, like the iPhone 13, the iPhone 13 Pro, and the iPhone 13 Pro Max. Trees are not one of those awesome things. I fucking hate trees.

My mom always asks me where this hatred comes from. I tell her I’m working through it in therapy. I don’t really go to therapy. I just tweet “my phone is soooo cool” and then sit in a parking lot for forty-five minutes watching the likes roll in. Sometimes I get four of them. Whenever that happens, I tell her therapy went well.

I stopped going on Instagram because people kept posting pictures of nature. At first I would just report them, but I couldn’t list “I hate nature” as a valid reason. So, I started saying that they posted inappropriate photos of minors, but then someone from Instagram reached out to me personally and asked why I was following so many accounts that posted inappropriate photos of minors. I haven’t gone back since.

Maybe one day I will learn to love nature. Maybe one day I won’t faint at the sight of a shrub. But maybe before that my mom will die, and no one will be there to beg me to go outside. After that, it will be just me and my phone. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Cross Campus ON THIS DAY IN YALE HISTORY

On this day in 1908, Sir Lionel Equifax invented the horse in his home garage at the intersection of York Street and Elm Street. His achievement was eclipsed just days later, when Henry Ford unveiled the Model T automobile to the public.

MORE ON PAGE 3

crude to describe in a respectable publication like this.

We have reached out to the Audubon Society for comment on the news that Audubon licked, chewed, and smacked his lips at 700 birds, but through cowardice or malevolence they have not responded. Their silence gives us reason to believe that the Audubon Society was actually founded as a facade for Audobon’s sinister behaviour.

If he went to such lengths to eat birds like the Red Warbler, we can only imagine what he would do to more enticing birds like the toucan, the grebe, and the Raggiana bird-of-paradise.

National Geographic and the Audubon Society codeclared 2018 the Year of the Bird, but after much deliberation, we have decided that we no longer can support their savage habits and rapacious lies. We acknowledge the harm perpetrated by “scientists” upon the social and emotional development of innocent and unprotected birds who lived in fear of being John James Audubon’s next gluttonous afternoon snack, if not more.

National Geographic is proud to announce that 2018 will no longer be the Year of the Bird. Starting today, we are retroactively declaring it the Year of the Bird Too Movement.

Counterpoint: Man, I Love Trees!

BY TYLER NORSWORTHY COLUMNIST Who doesn’t love a good tree with their green, brilliant leaves, strong, tall trunks, and deep, secretive roots? Doesn’t it just make you wonder what could be hiding underneath them? Trees are lovable and kind! They provide ideal settings for the fondest of life’s moments: picnics with family, carving your initials into a heart with a loved one, or reading a book on a quiet day.

My fondest memory is of the day my love took me up on top of a hill and broke up with me. I was so sad after that that I decided to plant a tree on that hill, and named it after them to make myself feel better. Fortunately, my ex was willing to take care of the tree by providing it with food!

As a tree lover, I know a ton about what kind of nutrients trees need. In fact, trees need very similar nutrients as humans do to grow. I guess you could even say that a hu-

Inside The News The first-ever human clone is kind of a buzzkill, according to sources inside the Bridgeport Institute of Genetic Tomfoolery.

The skeletally frail James A#0001 reportedly mopes about his sterilized enclosure, lamenting “Why did you create me? Do you think yourself God?” to every passing geneticist. What a loser.

Pages 6-7

ENIGMA

man would be an amazing source of nutrients for a tree! They’re just like us, and that’s why I love them. My ex was so generous that I almost forgot they had thrown away everything we had built together, everything we had been striving towards. How kind of them to nourish this tree for me!

Trees can also represent sad memories. Some trees are graves.

Stumps are trees whose lives were cut short. Isn’t it sad how humans abuse the trees? What makes a human more valuable than a tree?

When a human falls, their body is basically a log, heavy and stiff. I love logs more than I love people.

After my unfortunate breakup with my ex I decided to plant more and more trees. Anytime someone finds out about us, I plant another!

But I always go visit that one tree on the hill, bringing flowers and leaving them there, because I especially love that tree. I hope no one ever finds it so that it can be all mine!

ODDS

Why Does Every Meteor Always Land In A Crater?

Answering The Unanswerable

Study Finds Lemmings Not Suicidal, Just Really Unlucky

Page 4

Page 5

LIFESTYLE

Research By Child Prodigy Sheds Light On Health Risks Of Drinking Soap

Page 8

20

THE YALE RECORD

THE ADAPTATION OF A FAIRWEATHER STUDENT The Fairweather Student has long evaded scientific understanding. For years scientists have wondered how this soft and naive creature, displaced from its natural habitat of perpetual sunshine, survives in the New Haven environment. Recently however, The Yale Department of Invasive Student Surveillance and Study has made groundbreaking discoveries regarding the Fairweather Student’s evolution and stages of adaptation to life in New Haven. Over the course of a year, a team of researchers conducted an observational field study of a Fairweather Student on Yale’s campus. Below are the summarized findings:

Phase 4: Failure — Before Spring returns to New Haven, the student is on a flight back to its native California. It has transferred to UC-San Diego. Go Tritons.

—A. Hempel TOP 10 DESTINATIONS TO VISIT BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Bora Bora — Consistently ranked as one of the most beautiful destinations in the world, Bora Bora is a paradise like no other. You’ll definitely want to snorkel in the deep blue sea and relax in the sun before you go. If you get lucky, maybe you’ll find Kim Kardashian’s earrings!

2. Paris — The City of Love. This city is absolutely magiStage 1: Destroying the Fairweather Student — It is cal and is sure to give you and some lucky lady a great September. The student has only ever known pleastime. From the Louvre to the smoking preschoolers, ant temperatures and blue skies. It discovers, to its everyone has an amazing time in this reliable French dismay, that New Haven is sometimes hot. Worse, it is gem. often humid. The student has never experienced this 3. Yellowstone — This national treasure is a true testament before. It becomes sticky. It struggles with accepting the to just how amazing nature can be. Old Faithful is a amount of sweat its body produces. It is disgusted. It must-see, and the expansive landscapes are so breathdoes not recognize itself. The student begins to shower taking you might just forget about your own mortality! three times a day to try to regain its sense of self. It 4. State Capitol — Engaging in local and state politics fails. is critical for civil democracy, and what better way to practice than to visit your state capitol? Every AmeriStage 2: Molting — Fall arrives in New Haven. The can should take this trip. Who knows how many elechumidity takes a toll. Once a happy, self-assured tion cycles you have left?

Fairweather Student, the student is broken. But the 5. Local Museums — Though not as exotic as the Louvre, humidity eases as the leaves begin to change. The local museums can be a great way to connect with your student becomes bipolar. On days where the skies are town and learn about dinosaurs. They offer a more blue, it appears to be okay. But some days it rains. The realistic destination with your timeframe, as most are student buys an umbrella, but it forgets the umbrella within driving distance. and gets drenched in a thunderstorm. The student 6. Pizza Parlor — Mmmmmmm, pizza! Visit your local cannot figure out how to carry the umbrella while also pizzeria and get some lip smacking ‘za as a delicious carrying its bag, phone, and coffee. It is always losing treat. So good it could be a last meal! things, including its mind.

7. Wherever Your Mother Is — Trust me. You’ll want to say goodbye.

Phase 3: Molting, but worse this time — Winter arrives 8. Your Bathroom — One of the last opportunities you’ll in New Haven. For a period of 3-5 days the student have to feel some sort of relief, you should take this openjoys the snowfall. It is foolishly amazed by it: beauportunity to maybe extend your future, even if it’s just tiful, serene, magic. Then, the student begins to sufmomentarily. fer. It is forced to grow an extra layer of protection: 9. Your Favorite Memories — The best times of your life. an exoskeleton in the form of a puffy jacket. Outside, Take this time to really remember how good your life the student shivers. Inside, it sweats. It desperately was: how much fun you had on this wacky little planet sheds the jacket as soon as it enters a building. The orbiting the sun. It’s a shame it’ll all be over soon. student purchases snow shoes before it realizes that 10. Your Current Location — Don’t get up now, where people do not wear those. The student comes faceyou are is perfect. Riiight there. to-face with what everyone warned it about: seasonal depression.

—E. Calderon

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

21

Great Apes: Shadows In The Graveyard

O

n May 28, 2016, at 4:00pm Eastern Standard time, at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, a 17-year-old western lowland gorilla named Harambe was shot and killed. This incident became international news. But he was not the only gorilla to die in mysterious circumstances recently.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING Exactly three years after the death of Harambe, on May 28, 2019, a western lowland gorilla named Gerbil in the Central Park Zoo was placed in a solitary enclosure under heavy surveillance. Explosive allegations from the New York Post had revealed that during visits from high-profile guests—former President Jimmy Carter, Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman, Serial podcast host Sarah Koenig, for example—Gerbil engaged in illicit trade of leaves and stems.

President Carter is alleged to have paid 100,000 pounds of bananas for entrance to Gerbil’s secretive enclosure to gorge his skeletal body on bamboo shoots and wild berries. When these allegations were made public, an interpreter began holding daily sign language sessions with Gerbil to uncover the depth of the illegal activity.

Late on May 28, 2019, the gorilla was found dead in his enclosure. The cause of death was determined to have been self-inflicted. Questions linger. President Carter has denied any involvement with Gerbil.

THEN CONSIDER

On May 28, 1921, Bill Thaxton raised his head.

His brambly hands, twisted and scarred by age, rested on the pistols in their hip-holsters. A pair of ’51 Colts. Old and bent, and tough.

Twenty paces away stood an outlaw and western lowland gorilla known only as Sundown. Sundown, upright, held a 1917 revolver, fast and flashy.

Either old Bill or the outlaw would die that day.

Sundown built his rising star on a dishonorable cunning. As an infant, he was taught how to fire a gun by P.T. Barnum. He escaped from San Diego in ’98 and lived on whiskey, blood, and clementines. He never spoke but carried a piece of paper for any man who sought a duel: “I’ll only fight AND CONSIDER when the sun’s going down and my back is facing In November, 2017, President Donald J. the west.” His strongest comrades in his murderTrump issued a ceremonial pardon to Drumstick, ous campaign were the blinding sun at his back and a turkey from Alexandria, Minnesota. Wishbone, the revolver’s kick in his grip. Too many good men another turkey from Alexandria, Minnesota, was fell at Sundown’s hand, filling the cemeteries from slaughtered and prepared for Thanksgiving dinner. Tucson to Santa Fe to Denver.

Three weeks earlier, Jaxon Rumsfeld, a As Thaxton raised his head, his eyes met the 22-year-old White House administrator, made a sun, veiling his face in harsh light. clerical error while arranging for the transportation Sundown cackled with a deep rasp. He raised of the turkeys. As a result, Wishbone had been acci- his iron. dentally replaced along the way with a western lowJudgement came. Two cracks of gunfire. land gorilla loaned from Minnesota’s Como Zoo. Two holes in Sundown’s chest.

In the Rose Garden, a menagerie of glassyThe ape’s trick had worked on dozens of eyed Citibank interns watched Melania Trump healthy young men. But Bill Thaxton had been spend fifteen minutes attempting to ceremonially blind for fifteen years. He was used to shooting wring “Wishbone the Turkey’s” powerful neck. She with just his ears and his prayers, and that day. As eventually required the assistance of four Secret the outlaw toppled to the ground, his face wrapped Service agents to break the spine of the mighty ani- itself in wrinkles. A small grin flashed the day’s dymal. ing light.

That day, “Wishbone’s” 400-pound-body was SO, CONSIDER sliced into fleshy morsels and served to the representatives of the National Turkey Federation. At Soul-eaters have no ears and no eyes, but the same time, the real Wishbone the Turkey was are covered in millions of micro-thin tendrils that feasting on mangoes and termites in the Como Zoo, detect movement. Their skin ripples with infinite and had already learned how to say “plum” and mouths filled with row upon row of needle-like “branch” in rudimentary sign language. teeth. They are perfectly spherical, invisible, and

roll everywhere. The only way to detect their movements is to listen for the faint rasp of their tendrils against the stony floor.

CONSIDER THIS My trusty companion was Binky the western lowland gorilla. We had not expected the legends to be true. When the fog-clouds parted and revealed a thousand-story Mayan ziggurat piercing the skies fifty miles northwest of Iquitos, we shared a knowing glance, that familiar fire burning in us both.

Six days later, still trapped in the labyrinthine walls of the ziggurat, I heard the soul-eaters close in on us. We took a left, a left, and a right, and then my stomach fell. We had reached a dead end. The rasping grew louder. The soul-eaters were rolling, rolling, rolling.

AND THIS I did my best to hide my fear for Binky, but we knew each other for too long. He couldn’t understand why I was terrified—all he knew is that I was upset. He wanted to cheer me up, like he had done so many times. Binky began the Happy Gorilla Dance, a jubilee of hops and wiggles that never failed to make me smile.

The soul-eaters closed in. I heard them take the first left. Trembling, holding back sobs, I stared at the dancing gorilla and raised my rifle square between his eyes.

THUS

I pulled the trigger and the .300 caliber bullet crashed through Binky’s skull. Just as the soul-eaters turned the corner, he collapsed to the ground.

I held stock still with a steadiness I didn’t know I had, and the soul-eaters crowded around his body, gorging on his flesh and sucking up his spirit. The urge to run filled me with fire, but I held myself still. I moved my mouth to shape a few words, slowly enough the soul-eaters couldn’t detect me.

“I love you, Binky.”

—L. Ledman

THE YALE RECORD

22

GORILLAS

BOMBSHELL STUDY FINDS ZOO GORILLAS ARE ACTUALLY MEN IN GORILLA COSTUMES In April of 2016, Jane Goodall reached out to me about a concerning new theory: zoo gorillas aren’t real gorillas. A primatologist for over 60 years, Goodall insisted that the stark difference between zoo gorillas and wild gorillas could not be solely attributed to the effects of captivity.

There had to be a scientific

explanation for certain aberrant behaviors; on multiple occasions, captive gorillas across America have been observed playing musical instruments, scrolling Instagram on cell phones, and lunching in their zoo’s food court.

Goodall suggested we work together on developing a study to decipher what the cause of

this discrepancy could be. I agreed.

Both animal-loving vegans, Goodall and I soon became great friends. Over the past 5 years we have worked our way through almost every zoo in Europe, North America, and Asia studying every gorilla we came across.

At every zoo, we tranquilized the gorillas and then sliced them bilaterally, harvesting their organs and sending them off to highly-qualified labs to be tested. The results were mindboggling.

Over 98% of the harvested organ DNA matched the human genome. That means that 98%

of zoo gorillas are human beings dressed in gorilla costumes, likely a ploy to avoid the daily necessities of a post-industrial world.

Goodall and I are now in the process of suing these zoos under false promise accusations. The most disturbing revelation of this study is how easily businesses can mislead their consumers.

Next year, Goodall and I plan to begin a similar study on chimpanzees and bonobos.

They may well be in on the scam.

—M. Sadler

—A. Hempel

MEN OF THE CAVE

REMEMBERING GORG

Scientists in the region formerly known as Mesopotamia have uncovered a stone tablet that appears to contain a primitive oration. Thanks to the tireless efforts of National Geographic’s translation team, we were able to decipher the meaning. Below is that text, a eulogy for a Neolithic man named “Gorg.”

“Gorg, born and raised in Cave, died few suns ago. Gorg was born for long time. Gorg’s story inspiring. Gorg was strong. Gorg brave. Gorg leaves behind cavewife

and cavechildren. Gorg contributed to study of fungi. Gorg will forever be remembered. Gorg is hero.

Gorg was normal cavechild.

Gorg hunted. Gorg broke gender norms by gathering. When Gorg young, Gorg discovered artistic side. Gorg was good with chisel.

Gorg’s cave art was thought-provoking and stimulating. Gorg got sick of eating animals and vegetables. Gorg walked into forest, looking for new food. Gorg searched high but found nothing. Gorg searched medium-high but bark tastes bad. But then Gorg searched

low and turned the world on its head.

Gorg found plant with red circle top with white dots; it was beautiful. Gorg exclaimed, “Mushroom.” Gorg’s mouth liked it. Gorg brought it back to his family. They tasted. They loved. For weeks, Gorg and family ate mushrooms.

It was good life.

But Gorg never happy for long.

That made him hero. That what killed him. He went back to the forest, where he saw a mushroom with new colors. It was gray and skinnier. Gorg tasted, and Gorg was changed. Gorg said he saw God. He became wise and thoughtful. After these mushrooms, Gorg collected stones. Gorg used chisel

more beautifully these stones. We called him “stoner.” Mushrooms made Gorg calm. Others followed Gorg. Soon everyone was “stoner.”

Work in cavetown slowed down, but friendship grew.

But Gorg never happy for long. That made him hero. That what killed him. One day, Gorg found new mushroom. This mushroom pale white with little bumps.

Gorg tasted. Gorg wobbled. Gorg shook. Then Gorg fell. He never got up.

Gorg was brave. Gorg is a hero. Gorg may be gone from world. But Gorg will never be gone from memory. We miss you, Gorg.

—A. Cramer

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

SPACE

NASA STUDY FINDS EARTH IS ACTUALLY SQUARE

HOUSTON, TX - A recent study from the NASA Johnson Space Center revealed that the Earth is actually square and not a sphere like many have believed.

“Drawings of a square orbiting the sun in a newly discovered journal of Isaac Newton sparked our interest,” said se-

nior NASA scientist Bobby Ray Simmons Jr.. “Newton appears to have believed that the earth wasn’t spherical, and we set out to confirm this theory nearly 300 years later.”

Remarkably, this discovery relied not on the professional scientist staff but on crowdsourcing instead. A Google Form

was sent out to record personal anecdotes and measurements taken by citizen scientists.

“By taking out advertisements for our research on Facebook and other major platforms, we were able to gather data about the shape of the earth from hundreds of people around the world without leaving the comfort of our office,” Simmons said “All for less than the cost of a telescope you could buy on Amazon!”

Rather than go through the exhausting peer-review process like most scientif-

23 ic research, NASA opted to save time by simply skipping it. “The peer review process can take up to 80 days on the early side, and this research was simply too groundbreaking to wait for review” stated Bernice Kane, a spokesperson for NASA Johnson. “It’s better to get the news around the cube first, and then correct it if we’re disproved.”

At press time, scientists were figuring out the best way to recall millions of globes.

—T. Schroder

MUMMIES

WHAT WERE THE MUMMY’S LAST WORDS?

Researchers at Columbia University have spent months digitally reconstructing the windpipes of ancient mummies found in the Pyramids of Giza and using cutting-edge artificial intelligence technology to deduce the last words of the Pharaoh Khnum Khufu of the Old Kingdom.

In addition to this analysis, archaeologists have been able to discover through the use of radiometric dating that Khufu died of a transient ischemic attack shortly after the unveiling of the pyramids.

An illustrious translator was flown in from Egypt to interpret this ancient Egyptian dialect.

Journalists from all across the world waited with bated breath to find out: what were the last words of this storied ruler?

With much effort, the programmer switched a few things around. The machine whirred with the effort and then... voila. The mummy spoke (via translator via computer via 3D reconstruction):

“I said cube, you fucking idiots.”

—O. Goldberg

ANIMALS

PENIS FENCING: A LEARNING TOOL

“Penis fencing” is a marine flatworm (Platyhelminthes) mating behaviour where two flatworms “fence” in order to pierce and inject sperm into their mate’s skin. This hypodermic insemination of sperm is vital to the reproduction of the Platyhelminthes phylum.

Local oceanography teacher Jerry Marlin says that he has discovered a new way to properly teach this concept in his classes: “Usually kids get pretty bored during the marine invertebrate unit and after years of teaching. I’ve realized that the trick is handson learning.”

Every April when the syllabus hits the

penis fencing section, Marlin engages his students in a tactical lab, where each student gets a chance to be both a fencer and fencee.

“I demonstrate first, of course,” Marlin explains. “The student with the highest grade is chosen to be my partner. Then everybody pairs up, unbuttons, and starts scrimmaging.”

Marlin says that since he has introduced this new teaching method, he has become much closer with his students. However, he has experienced some backlash, “I get angry calls from parents,” Marlin says. “They call me a ‘pedagogue,’ whatever that means.”

For more information, lesson plans, maps, and resources for your very own penis fencing pedagogy, check out https://www. nationalgeographic.org/education/classroom-resources/.

—T. Bhat

—E. Calderon

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

SCIENCE

STUDY FINDS WE WERE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING In the wake of a set of landmark studies, Head of the National Academy of Sciences Maria McNutt reported this week that science has been wrong about everything this whole time.

“You guys might want to sit down for this,” McNutt began her announcement. “I know that for the last thousand years or so the whole world was all about using ‘science’ to figure everything out, but we’ve just learned that this has been totally off all along. I know this is distressing, especially to

those people who put up those signs that say ‘in this house we believe science is real’ and to those kids who use science as a stand-in for socializing, but the evidence is just too clear to ignore.”

Shockingly, the report implicated nearly every branch of the sciences, even including astronomy, geology, botany and the scientific method. Oddly enough, despite astronomy being discredited, astrology survived scrutiny and remains a legitimate branch of science.

McNutt accepted her part

of the blame, but also assigned some to the general population.

“Look I take some of the responsibility here no question, and not to play the blame game or anything but I think it’s at least a little ridiculous that no one else caught this before we did. Have you even read the laws of physics? ‘Every action has an equal opposite reaction.’ What? Why are we writing fundamental laws of nature from Hamilton lyrics?

Lin Manuel-Miranda may be quite the performer, but I think it’s a bit of a stretch for him to be considered a “founding father” of physics.”

After an audience member chuckled at the wordplay, McNutt saw her chance to win the crowd back.

“You guys like that? Well, there’s plenty more where that came from,” she said. “So I’m walking down the street right, and some jackass catcalls at me

25 saying ‘Hey, nice caboose,’ and I’m just like, ‘Take a picture it’ll last longer.’ Yeah, and what did they call the theater which plays Stephen King’s 2017 movie starring Jaeden Lieberher? The room where It happens. Yeah, okay, and I think it’s a bit of a stretch for him to be considered a ‘founding father’ of phy—oh, wait I already said that one. Yea that’s all I got. As you can tell we like to have fun here at the Academy,” she said.

Effective immediately, the National Academy of Sciences will be disbanded. All STEM programs will now be called TEM. McNutt concluded the interview by saying “up next is my dear friend Bill, who from now on will be known as Bill Nye the Guy, and he has a big apology for everyone.”

—A. Berke

THE YALE RECORD

26

ARCHAEOLOGY

THE ANCIENT MAYANS PREDICTED THAT... YOU WILL GO OUT WITH ME? Chief archaeologist of the Yucatan dig site Tim Fitzpatrick has discovered an ancient Mayan text which should offer new insight into Mayan society. He said in a press conference on Wednesday: “My lovely assistant Sharon and I have some pretty exciting news to share with you all,” he said in a press conference on Wednesday. “We haven’t even looked at it ourselves, but I’ll read to you guys the report we received 15 minutes ago from the translators.”

Fitzpatrick fumbled with the envelope, opened it, and did a double take before reading it aloud to the press.

“Well, I just can’t believe this. Apparently the Mayan prophets predicted that in the year 2021 someone named Tim would go on a date with someone named Sharon. Wait a second—Tim is my name!

But who could this Sharon be…oh my heavens! My lovely assistant is named Sharon! I simply do not believe this. But obviously this is just some sort of crazy coincidence, unless, I mean, I’m not a religious man myself, but sometimes fate is fate. Whaddya say Sharon?”

Sources say the entire audience turned towards Sharon, their eager faces desperate to witness the “happily ever after”

ARCHAEOLOGY

DIG REVEALS THE ANCIENT GREEKS MADE PIZZA A recent archaeological discovery this week seems to suggest that ancient populations in Greece both made and enjoyed pizza. While undertaking a massive dig outside the port city of Thessaloniki, archaeologists collected dirt samples that they later found to include ashes.

Using infrared rays, Dr. Stephanos Oliveopolous was surprised to find that the ashes appeared to have been heated to temperatures of above 1000 degrees Fahrenheit.

“Yep, these are ashes all right,” Oliveopolous said.

The ashes in question lay in a peculiar circular shape on the ground, and a small piece of plastic that looked like a toppled-over miniature stool was found at their center.

Oliveopolous deduced the only logical explanation: a pizza.

However, Giancarlo Mozzarello, head chef of Pizzeria Napoletana in Hoboken, disagreed with the finding.

“There’s no way that’s pizza. It can’t be. Where’s the cheese? Where’s the dough?

Where’s the sauce? I don’t buy it.”

Dr. Tim Fitpatrick addresses the crowd. story beginning before their very eyes.

One reporter said Sharon had a classic “not this again” look on her face, and soon it became clear that she couldn’t ignore the situation by pretending to play Fruit Ninja.

“Tim, like I told you at the office Christmas party where

Fabiano Pastaroli, frequenter of the Piccolo Cesare Mom and Pop Restaurant in North Massapequa, also offered a comment: “Just doesn’t make sense.

I’m eatin’ pizza now. I could barely find a pizza place in this town twenty years ago.

No way those Greek cave people ate pizza too.”

Reporters explained to the critics that toppings would have decayed or been eaten by now.

“Well even if it was pizza, they clearly burned it,” remarked Joey Pepperoncini, server at Nonna’s Italian Kitchen in Brooklyn. “Nothing special compared to what you’d find in the greatest city on earth.”

Francesco Cannoli of Federal Hill, Providence, commented, “And what

you vomited after three twisted teas, I will never go out with you,” she said. “And obviously this text doesn’t translate to that. The real translation is ‘in the year 2021 someone named Bim will go on a date with someone named Sharon.’”

—A. Berke

about that plastic stool? It’s supposed to be upright.

And there’s supposed to be a cardboard box. Where’s the box?”

Infuriated and confused by the alleged discovery of pizza, Italian-language network Rai TV sent cameras to the archaeological site outside Thessaloniki. The footage offered a full picture of what was actually being uncovered: a small site in a nondescript backyard, and a dig only a few feet deep.

Mr. Oliveopolous has been arrested for fraudulent archaeological practice and stripped of his license. He will soon be extradited to Naples and given a Hawaiian pizza while awaiting sentencing.

—C. Thorpe

THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ISSUE

YOU

RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW SPECIES THAT’S JUST LIKE YOU Human beings, step aside: scientists have discovered a new species that loves to go out and have a few drinks with friends on a wild Friday night. But, lo and behold, the similarities don’t end there.

Gone are the days when humanity could be considered special for little things like “oppos-

able thumbs” and “seeking meaning in our existence.”

Turns out this new species does all of that shit, too!

Remember that time when Spotify got especially desperate for your subscription money and reassured you that you were creative and unique because you listened to music from the 1970s and

the early 2000s? Well, this new species likes all of the same bands you do, and even a few that you haven’t heard of.

Some evolutionary biologists have even posited that they’re having more sex than you, that their breakouts are less noticeable, and that your ex laughs for just a beat longer at their jokes. But you shouldn’t take that to heart for a second. Personally, I think that you are super pretty and cool, and you have no reason to be jealous of this new species.

At the end of the day, you probably have a lot in common, and you might as

27 well try to befriend one of them. Or, you could at least sit together in uncomfortable silence while you both swipe through Instagram stories.

This last hypothesis is still being rigorously tested, but reports are indicating that they may also enjoy getting super cozy under their blankets, eating tacos, and watching The Office on a lazy Saturday night!

—E. Goldblum

THE SEA

SHELL OR HIGH WATER: THIS BIOLOGIST LIVED INSIDE A WHALE! Professor Rufus Racket of Harvard University spent the COVID-19 pandemic pursuing a unique passion project: habitating in the stomach of a 100,000 lb sperm whale named Herb.

Racket ate, slept, and played croquet in Herb for a full month, a choice he claims was inspired by The Revenant.

“If Leo can win an Oscar for sleeping in an animal for one night, I should definitely be able to swing a Nobel Prize,” said the eccentric biologist in an exclusive interview with National Geographic. (Editor’s note: there is no Nobel Prize in biology.)

Dr. Racket took copious notes chronicling his aquatic

experiences, which he is currently compiling with the intention of journal publication in late 2022. “The Department calls me ‘Barnacle Boy,’’ laughed Racket. “But joke’s on them—barnacles taste delicious!”

National Geographic also interviewed Department Head Stephen Prill, who stressed that, “Rufus received no funding, as this whole expedition was completely unnecessary. We understand whale biology— we’re not zoologists.”

When asked whether he may be having a midlife crisis, Dr. Racket replied, “You can’t have a midlife crisis if you’re always in crisis.”

Racket maintains that his adventure with Herb was

There’s a guy in there. more than “science, or whatever.” Just prior to the expedition, his wife Marina sent him a DM that read: “Rufus, I’m leaving you for a geologist.”

“She really changed the course of evolution with that one,” Racket said with an unconvincing laugh. “That’s first time a geologist has ever been the preferred choice of mate!”

Dr. Racket has purport-

edly purchased the sperm whale and is renting out its stomach as an AirBnb to finance the divorce proceedings. “What can I say, that’s life,” Racket said. “You trade one whale for another.”

—A. Buchholz

Abstract: Nocturnal vocalization in birds is more common than we may assume but is understudied. This paper seeks to understand why some birds sing at night, examining both phylogenetic hypotheses and environmental ones. Though nocturnality has a clear phylogenetic basis, nocturnal vocalization has not been shown to be restricted by phylogeny. It explores the (much more substantial) literature on environmental impacts on nocturnal vocalization, which discusses the surrounding ecosystem, weather, ambient noise, and light. It has been found that higher temperatures and lower wind at night are more likely to result in nocturnal song, but different species have different responses to weather. Similarly, it appears that more light, whether artificial or from moonlight, has a positive effect on nocturnal singing, but species’ responses vary. Ambient noise throughout the day can increase the intensity of avian night singing. This paper finds merit in both phylogenetic and environmental hypotheses, suspecting that certain species are genetically more suited to nocturnal activity that is often triggered by certain environmental factors. This paper discusses functions of nocturnal bird songs (including mating, migration, and territorial disputes) while also finding that night may be a superior singing time in some contexts. It also makes recommendations for future research. Background: Though not deeply explored, the practice of bird nocturnal vocalization has long been observed. In an 1893 issue of Science, Ornithologist J. M. Edson wrote about nighttime song: “The notes which from time to time have appeared in Science with reference to the nocturnal singing of birds demonstrate that a considerable number of species of birds are known to exhibit this eccentricity. From my own observations, I can corroborate some statements and…add one or two to the list of daylight songsters guilty of keeping very late hours” (Edson 1893). But to what extent exactly do birds vocalize at night? Using observations of species in Birds of North America and The Flight Calls of Migratory Birds, it was found that 30% of North American birds have reported nocturnal vocalizations. Taxonomically, this represents 232 species of birds and 51 families. The greatest presence is found in the Strigiformes, Gruiformes, Procellariiformes, Caprimulgiformes, and Trogoniformes (La 2012). Though we do not have as much data about the nocturnal activity of birds on other continents, our understanding of night calls and song in North America lends legitimacy to our interest in the subject, as well as studies that observe nocturnally vocalizing birds in Europe (Kulaga and Budka 2020), Africa, and other continents (York et al. 2015). Despite more recent efforts in the past decade to synthesize research on this subject, there is much that remains to be learned (Foote et al. 2018). First, let us explore the nocturnal vocalizations of nocturnal birds. A 1973 article in The Auk gives us strong insights into the vocal displays of a nocturnal bird through 400 hours of recording the breeding pairs and offspring Burrowing Owls (Speotyto cunicularia) in central New Mexico. The study found similarities between the owls’ calls and the calls of other birds in sound, etiology, and function. Their vocalizations are used for copulation, location cues, distraction, or when the birds are hungry and distressed (Martin 1973). A study on Ural Owls (Strix uralensis) in central Sweden found a similar result with vocalizations usually occurring for courtship, attack, and territorial signaling (Lundberg 1980). It seems fair to assume that vocalizations of normally nocturnal or crepuscular birds during the night are similar to and have the same functions and causes as the vocalizations of diurnal birds during the day. But what about the nocturnal vocalizations of diurnal birds that also sing and call during the day? Why do some diurnal birds sing at night, while others do not? It is important to investigate whether the trait of nighttime vocalization is phylogenetically or environmentally dependent and what triggers these vocalizations during the night. Phylogenetic Development of Nocturnality in Diurnal Birds: The phylogenesis of nocturnality in all birds has long remained untraced, and the genetic cause of nocturnality has remained unknown, but recent research has specifically set out to find the common ancestor of living Aves, which exhibits nocturnality. It has long been known that nocturnal organisms thrive in the night due to greater sensitivities to light—the system of phototransduction, the conversion of light particles into a graded receptor potential, in nocturnal birds is optimized for low light levels (Yokoyama and Yokoyama 1996). Since then, researchers have used a molecular phyloecological method of analyzing 33 genes related to phototransduction in several lineages of birds. Two genes, GRK1 and SLC24A1, have been found to enhance night-vision and act as the basis for nocturnal adaptation in birds. Researchers found evidence of positive selection of these genes along bird clade, tracing them to a common ancestor in Carinatae within Aves, an ancestor that was active nocturnally and diurnally. Nocturnal activity in birds can be concretely linked to its evolutionary origins as superior avian vision. (Wu 2019). However, a phylogenetic basis for nocturnality in birds does not necessarily suggest a similar basis regarding nocturnal vocalization. A 2012 review sought to examine the significance of a phylogenetic signal for nocturnal vocalizations. Author Van T. La built the phylogeny for 82 families, positioning them based on 19 independent DNA loci. He then calculated the percentage of nocturnally vocalizing birds in each family, testing for phylogenetic dependence of nocturnal vocalizations by using the statistical method of Pagel’s lambda. Pagel’s lambda being equal to zero would indicate the complete absence of a phylogenetic signal, while it being equal to one would indicate the complete presence of a phylogenetic signal (a significant evolution of nocturnal vocalization). La states as his result: “The phylogenetic signal in nocturnal vocalizations is insignificant (Pagel’s λ = 0.41, P = 0.78), which suggests that nocturnal vocalizations are not restricted by phylogeny” (La 2012). These results do not provide any support for the hypothesis that nocturnal bird song is a trait with clear phylogenetic origin; instead, it seems more likely that it is environmental factors that are the basis of nighttime vocalization. But this finding seems somewhat at odds with our discussion of the phylogenesis of nocturnality. Since there is a (primarily visual) genetic basis for nocturnal activity in specific bird species, it seems fair to also believe that there is a similar (perhaps the exact same) genetic basis for nocturnal vocal activity in bird species as well. (In other words, if some birds are better adapted to being awake during the night, these are the same birds that are vocalizing at night, thus establishing a genetic basis for this vocalization as well.) Using a bird’s vision to predict its vocal activity is hardly an unreasonable idea: British researchers in 2002 found that eye size was predictive of the time at which birds sing at dawn (Thomas et al. 2002). A study on the nocturnal vocalizations of diurnal birds in eastern Poland takes this question to the field. Researchers selected 54 recording locations in two types of habitats—(1) areas with meadows and arable fields and (2) forested areas. Though they tracked the effects of various environmental factors on the birds’ singing, they also identified the species that were the sources of this nocturnal singing. They recorded 88 bird species, representing 12 orders and 32 families, and 24 of these species vocalized at day and night. Thirteen of these species were songbirds, and the species with the greatest intensity of vocalizations were the Thrush Nightingale (Luscinia luscinia) and the Common Cuckoo (Cuculus canorus). The researchers found that nocturnal singing in diurnal birds was common in multiple genetically distinct families (e.g., Gruiformes, Alaudidae, Scolopacidae), while also finding that birds in other families (e.g., Laniidae, Paridae, Motacillidae) do not vocalize at night at all. “This suggests,” the researchers write, “that night singing by diurnal birds might have evolved independently several times” (Kulaga and Budka 2020). Environmental Factors as a Basis for Nocturnal Song: An alternative explanation for the vocalizations of birds hypothesizes that whether or not birds vocalize at night depends on their surrounding environment. The researchers of night vocalizations in eastern Poland found that birds’ level of nocturnal vocalization changed in different types of environments. They found that “night singing by diurnal birds was strongly limited to the species that inhabited open environments” and night singing by diurnal birds was less common in more forested areas. They present two hypotheses for this difference: (1) varying levels of nocturnal predators and (2) varying levels of light. The impact of a bird’s surroundings during the night may explain differences in nocturnal vocalization across different environments. But research conducted in a Cameroonian tropical rainforest compared with research near rivers in the Himalaya may prov ide an alternate explanation: the soundscapes of more densely vegetated environments tend to have less reverberation and less turbulent air, making vocalization less effective and, thus, not necessary (Slabbekoorn 2002). One environmental variable that has been linked to changing levels of night singing is related to weather. Ovenbirds (Seiurus aurocapilla) and White-throated Sparrows (Zonotrichia albicollis) have been found to sing fewer songs at lower temperatures and in windier environments, which appears to be consistent with other birds as well (Foote et al. 2017). Precipitation also limits night vocalization, which is in part due to reduced territorial disputes. Both wind and rain impede transmission, rendering vocalization much less useful. Nocturnally-vocalizing birds have been found to vocalize less under cloudy conditions as well (Morrel 1991). Increasing humidity and ground moisture are associated with greater vocalization as well—this is hypothesized to be a function of easier foraging conditions for birds at night. Fog may have a positive correlation with nocturnal vocal activity due to the increased need for spatial awareness and location cues. Interestingly, it has been hypothesized that it is advantageous for nocturnally active birds to increase their vocalization under increased atmospheric pressure, this perhaps being due to better transmission of calls (Digby et al 2014). It should be noted that certain weather phenomena can have varying effects on different bird species: Canadian researcher Daniel J. Mennill recorded the acoustic signaling behavior of Common Loons (Gavia immer) around three lakes in eastern Ontario, Canada. He found that loons have a unique signaling strategy themselves: “Common Loons showed significant differences in vocal behavior with changing weather conditions, producing more calls at cold temperatures, with low wind speed and air pressure” (Mennill 2014). There is no substantial global model for how weather affects species-specific nocturnal vocalization. Researchers have also begun to investigate how the ambient noise in an environment may impact levels of nocturnal vocalization. In 2007, conservation biologists from the University of Sheffield recorded noise levels during the day at 67 different locations around the city. They then identified the locations where urban European Robins (Erithacus rubecula) vocalized at night. They discovered that the locations where the robins sang were among the noisiest in the whole city, suggesting that an external noise in an environment may change the time at which birds vocalize (Fuller 2007). Even variations in ambient noise within one city can itself cause variations in night singing of birds. A similar study was conducted in urban, suburban, and rural environments in Salamanca, Spain on the European blackbird (Turdus merula). Colleagues at the University of Salamanca recorded blackbird songs and ambient noise at 13 sites. Many have explored the ways in which birds adapt their songs’ frequencies and amplitudes in response to ambient noise, the avian practice of adapting the time of vocalization itself is worth understanding further, this knowledge also being applicable to bird conservation efforts (Mendes et al. 2011). Similarly, more attention is being paid to variation in nocturnal vocalizations in response to light. Even since the beginning of the twentieth century, researchers have commented on birds’ sensitivity to light and its role in their dawn and dusk songs (Allard 1930).

At early hours, birds are able to sense dim levels of light and begin to vocalize. Further, research in the past few decades suggests that this sensory relationship to light may go deeper than we were predisposed to think: light can neurologically alter birds through neurogenesis and literally change vocalization patterns (Dawson et al.

2001). During the night, birds experience two sources of light: (1) lunar and (2) artificial. Both have been suggested as possible causes of night singing in birds. Light cycles, throughout the day and throughout the year, have long been known to influence biology. Light from the moon may stimulate nocturnal activity as well as nocturnal song. However, initial research that has investigated how moonlight may impact vocalization has failed to establish a strong relationship between the two. Northern Mockingbirds (Mimus polyglottos) were anecdotally known as diurnal birds that may often gsing during late hours, and researchers at Coastal Carolina University observed mockingbirds on six sites around their campus, measuring the portion of the time they could hear singing during visits throughout the day. A statistical analysis showed no relationship between song output and light for their entire dataset, though they could not “rule out an effect of light at very low light levels.” The researchers recognized that measuring duration of group singing (rather than each bird individually) is not a perfect measure of the intensity of nocturnal vocalization and that light may have an effect during other parts of the year (Hill et al. 2005). More recently, we have become aware of the full moon’s ability to enhance foraging and other activities during nocturnal hours, while also recognizing inconsistencies across species with regard to night singing. The White-throated Sparrow (Zonotrichia albicollis) has been found to sing less often during nights with a full moon, but the Marsh Wren (Cistothorus palustris) will sing 780 songs per hour during the night throughout the lunar cycle. Last year, a study examined the nocturnal singing of the Willie Wagtail (Rhipidura Leucophrys) in a sanctuary in Australia during a lunar cycle in breeding and nonbreeding seasons. The University of Melbourne colleagues recorded vocal activity from 10 pm to 4 am, finding that Willie Wagtails’ nocturnal song rate increased positively with lunar illumination (Dickerson et al. 2020). Similarly, a study found that the vocal performance of the White-browed Sparrow Weaver (Plocepasser mahali) increased by 67% from a new moon to a full moon. These are two studies that begin to establish empirical evidence for a theoretically reasonable hypothesis—that certain diurnal birds vocalize during the night at greater levels of moonlight. Other research has found that light pollution itself can affect the singing behavior of birds. A 2006 study found that birds begin their songs earlier in more brightly illuminated areas. The same study also tested American Robins’ (Turdus migratorius) initiation of morning song, finding that: “Robin populations in areas with large amounts of artificial light frequently began their morning chorus during true night” (Miller 2006). This being said, other studies have had trouble linking changes in vocalization to artificial night lighting (Kempenaers et al. 2010). The type of environment a bird inhabits has been shown to affect its nocturnal vocalization patterns. The surrounding ecosystem, the weather, the noise, or even the ambient light in a particular area all may have an effect on whether a bird sings during the night. Functions of Nocturnal Song: It is important to investigate not just what factors (environmental or phylogenetic) result in some species of bird vocalizing at night and others not, but also why birds might vocalize at night instead of during the day. One of the most important reasons is related to migration: birds use flight calls at night to stay in contact with their flocks. Calls during migration are known to provide directional information to lost birds (Hamilton 1962). Other night migratory songs can have different effects—some are thought to be used to select stopover areas (Mukhin et al. 2008). Birds also vocalize at night because of territorial conflict. Territory defense is important during nocturnal hours in large part due to the risk of incoming migrants who land at night. Visual cues, which may be used during the day to mark territorial boundaries, are less effective at night, forcing birds to vocalize to communicate. The same study of the Common Loon (Gavia immer) mentioned earlier found that territorial loons were known to vocalize significantly more at night rather than during the day (Mennill 2014). There have been similar findings for other species as well: Cetti’s Warbler (Cettia cetti), Western Meadowlark (Stumella neglecta), and Willet (Tringa semipalmata) have all been found to vocalize at night over territorial disputes. Diurnal birds may continue to vocalize at night in order to attract a mate. Writing about the nocturnal singing of Marsh Wrens (Cistothorus palustris) in 1985, Barclay et al. found that nocturnal singing may have the same functions as diurnal song (Barclay et al. 1985). A 2008 study on the Black-throated Blue Warbler (Dendroica caerulescens) claimed that a birds’ songs after breeding can determine whether birds return to the same breeding site during the next breeding season (Betts et al. 2008). One strategy researchers have employed to determine the role of mate selection in nocturnal song has been to determine whether unmated birds sing more at night than mated birds. In 2002, Swiss researchers recorded the diurnal and nocturnal singing of unmated and mated males (Luscinia megarhynchos) during their entire breeding cycle and found that there were low levels of diurnal singing early in the breeding season. They also found that unmated males were much more likely to sing at night as the breeding season progressed. These discoveries suggest that for some bird species, nocturnal vocalization may be necessary in the mating process (Amrhein 2009). Similar studies have found similar results for the Corn Crake (Crex crex) and Limpkin (Aramus guarauna) (La 2012). Others have suggested that night songs may be used to maintain a pair bond. There is little literature on this subject, though one account of Grasshopper Sparrows (Ammodramus savannarum) suggests that they sing more pair-bond vocalizations than territorial ones during the night. This could mean that birds use the night as a way to maintain these bonds (La 2012). Research has also mentioned the effects that male singing can have on female reproduction––that it can cause increases in egg and clutch size. Our understanding of nocturnal vocalization’s ability to stimulate female reproduction is minimal. But another study on Luscinia megarhynchos found that one of the points at which nocturnal vocalization is greatest is just before egg laying, which may mean that birds sing at night for the stimulation of reproduction, a learned habit that benefits future members of the species. However, this is simply a hypothesis. An alternative explanation for this peak in the Common Nightingale’s vocalization is that females are still fertile at this juncture, and males may be engaging in nocturnal mate guarding. Limited visibility at night provides female birds the ripe opportunity to reproduce with new male birds, heightening male birds’ incentive to guard their mate (La 2012). Birds have long been known to engage in communal roosting, which has three primary benefits: “a reduction in thermoregulation demands, a decrease in predation risk, and an increase in foraging efficiency” (Beauchamp 1999). Studies have found nocturnal vocalization due to communal roosting in “the American Crow (Corvus brachyrhynchos), Chimney Swift (Chaetura pelagica), Leach’s Storm-Petrel (Oceanodroma leucorhoa), Least Tern (Sternula antillarum), Manx Shearwater (Puffinus puffinus), Ring-billed Gull (Larus delawarensis), and Thick-billed Murre (Uria lomvia)” (La 2012). Vocalization at night provides significant advantages to birds, who may not simply extend communication into the night but instead use night singing as an alternative to diurnal singing in specific contexts. One of these advantages is that the night may allow birds to carry out their activities without the danger of predators. A 2004 study on the Black-breasted Wood-Quail (Odontophorus leucolaemus) found strong evidence that singing poses the risk of being identified and captured by predators (La 2012). Birds may try to limit or restrict their diurnal singing in favor of singing during darker hours where predators will have less success at capture. The study on diurnal birds in eastern Poland as mentioned earlier reached similar conclusions (Kulaga and Budka 2020). The relative quiet and atmospheric conditions allow birds to sing with (1) less competition with other bird songs and humans, (2) better transmission of sound, and (3) ample opportunities to teach song to offspring. This paper has already established that birds in noisier areas during the day will increase their nocturnal song output. This illustrates the effect of external noise in disrupting bird song. Acoustic research has found that night improves transmission of vocalizations. The Common Loon (Gavia immer) can call 1 kilometer farther during the night (La 2010). A 1996 review paper entitled “The Influence of Surface Atmospheric Conditions on the Range and Area Reached by Animal Vocalizations” gives insights into the atmospheric changes that occur as day transitions to night that positively impact sound transmission. As the sun sets, the ground cools rapidly, creating a temperature inversion, “a layer of air in which temperature increases with increasing height above the ground, as opposed to the more common condition for the lower atmosphere in which temperature decreases with height.” During an inversion, the colder temperatures toward the ground cause the downward refraction of acoustic energy, amplifying noise heard on the ground. Low wind speeds at night also aid in transmission of sound (Larom et al. 1997). The loon is hardly the only bird that has been shown to benefit from the enhanced sound conditions at night: the Rufous-collared Sparrow (Zonotrichia capensis), the Altamira Oriole (Icterus gularis), and the Yellowbreasted Chat (Icteria virens) are suspected to vocalize at night for this reason (La 2012). A study on the Rufous-collared Sparrow (Zonotrichia capensis) found that its nightly songs were more complex and longer at night (Lougheed and Handford 1989). Better night singing ability may be related to an underexplored possible function of nocturnal vocalization: to teach songs to offspring. Birds have only a small window of time to learn their songs—a process that is made more difficult by risks of predation or interfering noise. This gives an explanation to the continued nocturnal vocalization researchers have recorded even after the breeding period is over; these are birds teaching their offspring (La 2012). Conclusions: Nocturnal vocalization has been observed in a wide variety of birds in many geographical areas.

Despite these observations, nocturnal vocalization has been historically understudied relative to diurnal song. A review of observations of North American birds estimates that almost a third of these bird species are known to practice singing at night; the phenomenon is worthy of attention and academic research. Less is known about the nocturnal vocalization habits of non-North American and non-European birds. The contexts in which nocturnal birds vocalize at night are similar to the contexts in which diurnal birds vocalize during the day, such as courtship, attack, and territorial singing. Recent research using phyloecological methods has made great strides in identifying the evolutionary origins of nocturnality in birds. There is a phylogenetic basis for nocturnality in birds related to phototransduction. This analysis has identified a common ancestor of nocturnality in birds, Carinatae, which was both diurnal and nocturnal. However, efforts to establish a phylogenetic story for specifically nocturnal singing have proven difficult. Statistical analyses that have measured the phylogenetic signal for night vocalizing have suggested that vocalizations are not restricted by phylogeny. Instead, others have put forward environmental theories to answer the question of varying levels of night singing among diurnal birds. The acoustic properties of a soundscape (e.g., degree of vegetation) could affect the intensity of night singing. Particular weather events and temperatures affect vocal activity of birds at night––often in different ways depending on the species. These changes may be due to the effect weather has on other bird behavior, like foraging or fighting. Noise in an environment has been shown to have a significant impact on vocalization. Research, particularly in urban areas, has shown that birds sing during the night at locations that are louder during the day. Some of the most comprehensive research on the environmental factors of nocturnal song is with regard to light, both lunar and human-produced. We have similarly found that different species respond to light differently, but there is solid evidence linking heightened levels of nocturnal singing to especially well-lit nights.

This paper favors the conclusion of “Nocturnal singing by diurnal birds in a temperate region of central Europe” in its answer to the question of whether birds sing at night because of their phylogeny or environments. The paper showed that, despite many birds singing diurnally in one environment, only specific species sang in the same environment, indicating that some species are inherently more likely to sing at night. The fact that there is no significant phylogenetic signal may mean that nocturnal vocalization has evolved independently multiple times. It seems clear that environments often have a great impact on nocturnal song, but that impact can also vary from species to species. This paper’s hypothesis is that birds that are more biologically-suited to nocturnality are more likely to sing at night at all, and this probability can be greatly amplified or depressed by various environmental factors. Territorial conflict, mating, and migration are proven functions of nocturnal vocalization. Singing at night due to pair-bonding, stimulation of reproduction, and communal roosting are interesting hypothetical functions. A key motive of nocturnal vocalization is that night environments are quieter and improve sound transmission, meaning the functions of some avian sounds in the night may be the same as their diurnal songs and calls, and birds are simply selecting an alternative time. This paper recommends more attention be placed on nocturnal vocalization in continents other than North America. Academic literature that continues efforts to understand the genetic basis for nocturnality could aid our understanding of night singing. Developing a phylogenetic model for the possibly repeated evolution of nocturnal singing is deserving of attention as well. There is a lot of seemingly conflicting research on the impact of weather and other environmental elements on night singing. Understanding to a greater degree the purposes of why some species may sing at night and others do not may be achieved by close, interspecific monitoring of territories with diurnal birds that vocalize during the night. Research that examines nocturnal vocalization in relation to breeding schedule is also quite helpful to our understanding. The current literature that focuses on bird singing disproportionately examines diurnal, rather than nocturnal, song. We should better understand the contexts in which nocturnal vocalization occurs.

The Practice and Purpose of Nocturnal Vocalization In Birds

The Record can be pretty silly sometimes, but there’s nothing silly about nocturnal bird vocalization. This is an earnest review of the state of this phenomenon in the field by our resident ornithologist, Joe Gustaferro. It’s “understanding to a greater degree the purposes of why some species may sing at night and others do not may be achieved by close, interspecific monitoring of territories with diurnal birds that vocalize during the night” that really solidifies Gustaferro as the next Rachel Carson.