The Relationships Issue by The Yale Record

Vol. 142, No. 5

TH E YALE

Jan. 20, 2014

RECORD

Genghis Khan

Your Family Tree Written by N. Goel Designed by B. Marvin

Grandpa Wolensky a.k.a. “The Butcher of Olusk”: Murdered and cannibalized 22 women in his shtetl before being chased out of Poland. He came to this country with nothing but the clothes on his back.

Grandma Wolensky: Nana’s mind isn’t what it used to be. Right now, she thinks we’re all shape-shifting spies from the planet Centuri and that iPhones are trying to kill her.

???: That drunk guy that always shows up to Thanksgiving.

Grandpa Wolensky

Grandma Wolensky

Fred: Fred was conceived in a booth at IHOP, so he can eat there free on Sundays.

???

You!

Aunt Kathy

Aunt Kathy: Kathy is a real estate agent in Milwaukee. No one has remembered her birthday since 2006.

Gloptor: Your brother-nephew

James: James started a successful software company when he was 26. He can be pretty cocky for someone with an undescended testicle.

Gloptor

Buddy: The golden retriever that plays on your son’s neighborhood football, soccer, hockey, baseball, badminton, and quiz bowl teams. Buddy

Fred

James

Scottie

Scottie: Scottie got left at Disney World last summer. He is now a feral child.

Ethel

Ethel: Adopted daughter that everyone’s afraid of. Her orphanage burned down under mysterious circumstances. Also, she hasn’t blinked in the last week.

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101 Whalley Avenue Dear panel on nuclear disarmament, Why should they lose their arms? That doesn’t seem fair. Sincerely, Iran, trying a backdoor approach to keep nuclear weapons Dear Kleenex, Who the hell do you think you’re fooling? —Kleenex’s brother, Filthyex

PRIVILEGED YDN WRITER WRITES ABOUT WRITING ABOUT PRIVILEGE Dear J.R.R. Tolkien, How many fucking middle names do you have? —Stan Dear Stan, Two.

—J.R.R. Tolkien

MILEY CYRUS RUNS RED LIGHT, DIES IN GORY ACCIDENT; “SHE COULDN’T STOP,” ANNOUNCE INVESTIGATORS Dear mommy, I’m a little hoarse! —A horse trying to make a joke about actually being a pony but forgetting to mention he actually IS a pony which would have been wrong anyway, since he is a full-grown horse by now and should know better Dear Mayor, Oh goodness! I’ve lost my searchlights! How am I supposed to search for them? I wish someone could shed light on this situation! You know what I need? ... A tracking device. —Someone who did not realize the enormous pun potential that question had

Dear North, The South will rise again! Rebelliously, Geomagnetic reversal Dear Mark, When you asked me out on a double date, I thought we would be going out together with another couple. There’s no way I can eat another burger and sit through “The Fifth Estate” again tonight. Sorry, Becca

STUDY: MORE GAY TEENS COMING OUT TO PARENTS, INCESTUOUS TEENS COMING INTO PARENTS Dear Horse, Why the long face? —Another horse with a really short face who is just trying to get through the day

T he Y ale R ecord

YALE DINING RE-CATEGORIZES COFFEE AS GLUTEN-FREE ENTRÉE Dear Mom and Dad, I’ve heard that when you go to college you should send your parents a letter, so here it is: W. Sincerely, Alphonse Dear Alphonse, Here are a couple letters from the two of us: F U. Love, Mom and Dad

This man thinks THE YALE RECORD is the “cat’s pyjamas.” Come to a meeting and see for yourself ! Mondays, 9 pm, LC 209

“RELAY FOR LIFE” ONCE AGAIN UPSTAGES “RELAY FOR DEATH”

UNDERAGE? we’ll sell you

CHAMPAGNE ...or scotch, or rum, or vodka in bright n’ bouncy plastic bottles, you name it - if it’s dirt-cheap and kills brain cells, we’ve got it. And since we’ve got it, you can get it. We pay off the cops. You’d be amazed at how little money it takes to bribe ‘em. Terrified, in fact.

skeevy’s wines & liquor you know where • New Haven

Dear Officer Phillips, No, I most certainly do not know why you pulled me over. If you search my car, you’ll find that I’m well within the speed limit of 45 milligrams per Honda of amphetamines. Sincerely, Jim, who does not have an accurate understanding of what MPH means Dear man without a torso, You think YOU have it bad? —A man within a torso

WHOEVER IS REVVING their motorcyle at York & Elm at 3 a.m. every night had better stop it. You’re an asshole.

Dear man within a torso, I still feel like my situation is worse. Also, that’s really confusing. How’d you get in there? —A man without a torso, by dictation, presumably

NEW STUDY FINDS EYES ARE WINDOWS TO SOUL, CONJUNCTIVITIS

Oh. OHHHH! Oh.

T he L eg al I ssue

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JUDGE REINHOLD RULES HE IS MAKING A COMEBACK Dear adjacent airplane passenger, Please stop elbowing me in the stomach. You’ve done it at least 12 times now, and it’s incredibly rude. I have no idea why you’re giving me the dirty looks, since clearly you’re the person who is invading my personal space. —An extremely overweight airplane passenger who really should have purchased two airplane seats

Dear Hamburglar, You have a habit of robbing McDonald’s, which not only reheats frozen burgers, but prepares them in response to orders and never has many available at once. It’s a dumb strategy. But you know who cooks lots of fresh hamburgers ahead of time and offers delicious whole-grain buns? Yale Dining. Let’s band together and make this happen. Yours, Brandon Levin ’14

ACTUAL JUDGE OVERTURNS RULING

Dear Ear Piercers, Inc. So, I don’t totally get you guys. Who wants, like, metal spikes in their ears. Ew. — National Association of Penis Piercers

LINCOLN SINGS, DANCES AT YALE HISTORICAL REVUE Dear hockey, Consider yourself obsolete. We came for curling. Now, we’re coming for you. —Ice basketball

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142

The Yale Record

T he L eg al I ssue

LOCAL TEEN “DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.” Dear Gourmet Heaven employee, You only earn $5 an hour? That’s less than two egg-and-cheese sandwiches! How do you survive? —Someone who eats two egg-andcheese sandwiches every hour, on the hour, and would otherwise have nothing to live for Dear Corporate America, You bastard. So the price-gauging wasn’t enough; you had to kill all the dolphins too. —A socialist female dolphin with no prospects

Dear Yugi, It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!!! —Kaiba, who in real life has a severe speech impediment

CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE STRESSES GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTABILITY, PROMISES TO DISCLOSE ALL BRIBES TAKEN IN OFFICE

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Sydney Shea’14, Editor-in-Chief Jack Newsham ’14, Chairman Aaron Gertler ’15, Publisher

Becky Marvin ’16, Design Editor Ben Garfinkel ’16, Managing Editor Nick Goel ’16, Managing Editor Scott Stern ’15, Managing & Supplementals Editor Zach Schloss ’15, Staff Director Allie Beizer ’15, Art Director Emily Sandford ’14, Online Editor Ian Gonzalez ’16, Business Manager Claudia Shin ’16, Publicity Manager & Copy Editor Daniel Fraser ’14, Director of Special Projects Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16, Recruitment Director Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16, Legal Counsel

an, was that a long winter break. There were snowball fights, thousands of cancelled flights, and wind chills so cold even the squirrels were using tiny HotHands™. But know what there wasn’t? Anything to do with The Record. Leading into our first meeting back, I was slightly worried. Would the editorial board and staff even remember how close we were before the break? My fears were far more accurate than I could have ever predicted. At our first eboard meeting, no one smiled, not even after I brought them each 1/14th of the most overpriced cookie that Durfee’s could offer. Besides the crunching, the first five minutes of the meeting were filled with an uncomfortable silence. Thankfully our chairman, Jack, finally decided to break it; however, what he led with was even more terrifying: “So… what are you guys’ names again? And class years, and residential colleges?” I had to do something. “Guys, we need to learn to be friends again. We should go on a retreat!” I said. “Maybe to the beach or something!” “We could play volleyball, Top Gun-style!” cried Claudia, excitedly pulling out the spare aviators and dog tags she always kept in her back pocket, just in case. “Or Top Gun, volleyball style!” added Ethan, pulling out his bathing suit and gun. “If you guys get stung by jellyfish, can I pee on you!?” asked Nick, even more enthusiastic than that time he won a circus pony at blackjack. Suddenly, Aaron, the publisher, silenced us. “Well, I hate to be a downer, but we definitely don’t have room in the budget for a retreat.” I thought for a second. “What about a party? We must have room for a little teeny party.” “Nope, no room for a party.” “Uhhh…how about we just make friendship bracelets then?” “There’s no room for friendship, either.” “Well, Aaron, what is there room for?” He paused, calculating. “Hmm...after my bonus, there’s only room for making a magazine, I guess.” Everyone groaned. “Who wants to do that?”

T he R elationships I ssue

“Alright, alright, everybody. Pipe down!” I said. “Okay, so if we don’t have any money for anything, how can we grow the budget? Let’s start there.” “Selling our bodies to science!” shouted Allie. “Selling our bodies, period!” added Ian. “Well…maybe we should stick to our strengths,” I said. “I know! What if we wrote and sold that book we’ve always talked about?” “Yeah!” said Jack. “But what should we write?” The room was silent. Scott finally cleared his throat and spoke. “Well, Google says that the best-selling books — besides books explaining the internet to old people — are romance novels.” “All righty then! So how do we make a successful romance novel?” Everyone looked at one another, dumbfounded. “Maybe we should do some research first?” asked Ben. “You know,” said Emily. “I think I saw a stack of Harlequin romances in the Herald office last week when I was putting glue under all their spacebars. I’ll go get them!” She came back shortly with a stack of books as tall as our life-size cardboard cutout of Fabio. I examined the spines. “Let’s see here… we have books about hot kings, hot cavemen, hot neighbors, hot cops, hot robbers, hot space aliens, hot-dog lovers, hot doglovers – really, Herald? – among other things. Come on, everyone, pick a book!” For the next two hours, everyone was deeply absorbed in their novels. After everybody had finished and had adequate time to fan themselves back to their normal body temperatures, I decided to start the Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Sahil Gupta ’17, Daniel Hoogstraten ’17, Madeline Kaplan ’17, Victoria Kim ’15, Tom McCoy ’17, Isaac Morrier ’17, Travis Reginal ’16, Ben Rudeen ’17, Chris Rudeen ’17, Sam Savitz ’17, Harrison Schneider ’17, Natalie Warren ’17, Sylvia Zhang ’15, Claire Zhang ’15

discussion. “So, what do you think makes a successful romance novel?” “A man!” said Jack. “A woman!” added Mitchell. “A man and four women!” offered Nick. “A main character that would be an awful person to know in real life but has a secret that humanizes them,” Zach declared earnestly. Becky nodded sagely. “A lot of gerunds placed before an uncomfortable euphemism for genitals.” “The word ‘turgid’!” shouted Ian triumphantly. I frowned. “Ian, do you even know what that means?” “Nope,” he admitted. “But it sounds like ‘turd.’” The entire office erupted into giggles. I sat down in defeat, sure of my plan’s failure. But then I looked around at all of my staff, animatedly discussing the finer points of Harlequin cast members and their, ahem, members and I grinned at the Record’s rekindled friendships. “Sydney, I don’t think we’re going to be able to write a decent romance novel. This is hard,” said Mitchell. “No pun intended.” “I agree,” agreed Allie. “Can’t we just go back to writing a humor magazine?” And thusly, the Relationships Issue sprang fullformed from our quivering loins, turgid with humor and barely-acceptable punnage. We hope it leaves you wanting more. —S. Shea The Yale Record January 2014 Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Kate Berry ’17, Max Goldberg ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Elizabeth Miles ’17, Lining Wang ’17, Jessica Yang ’16

Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and CZ, a girl’s best friend. Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Jessica Yang ’16, who prefers artificial flowers to the real thing (for obvious reasons). Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLII, No. 5, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2014 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. The Record is on sale on all the principal news-stands in New Haven, New York, and Boston (Providence can go fuck itself). The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

WHAT YOUR CHOICE OF YALE DINING LOCATION SAYS ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE TD: You have great endurance. Calhoun: You make yourself very accessible to freshmen. Davenport: You like to do it by the windows to show off. Morse/Stiles: Obtuse angles provide unparalleled acoustics for your dirty talk. Silliman: You have one incredibly long…line. Trumbull: You like to charm a girl/boy with fancy desserts. Branford: You have low standards. Saybrook: You have very low standards. JE: You’re well-endowed. Berkeley: Sometimes you like to watch other people from a balcony. Pierson: You like to have slaves service your “quarters”…sex slaves, not the other kind. Commons: You have a fondness for foreign affairs. Hall of Graduate Studies: You like older women/men. KBT Café: You like to go all the way to the base of the tower. Bass Café: You enjoy penetrating deep, dark holes. Durfee’s: You don’t have time for anything long and drawn out; you will sacrifice both quality and quantity for instant gratification. Slifka Center: You do it through a sheet. —S. Savitz

REJECTED NICHOLAS SPARKS PLOTLINES Two people, against all odds, fall in lava. A rugged cop develops feelings for his partner, a naïve young border collie. A woman running from a sordid past keeps running without meeting a single man. A female detective solves the most important case of her career: who stole her heart (Spoiler alert: it was a serial killer and she’s dead). A character named Nicholas Sparks laments his career, lack of non-book-based love. A hunky man falls for a girl who wears real glasses. Sleepless in Seattle meets Narcoleptic in New Orleans. A republican congresswoman falls for an illegal immigrant, who crossed the Mexican border… and the border of her heart. After a steamy encounter with a TSA agent, a man is finally able to check his baggage at the gate. A man with restless leg syndrome fights his disease and finds his perfect match, a woman with restless arm syndrome. A lonely sock finds its match — Greg from Delaware. Two people fall in love and have a drama-free relationship which ends in a happy marriage. —B. Rudeen

T he R elationships I ssue

dealMAKERS! His New Year’s Resolution is saying yes to love, yes to life, and yes to staying in more. He understands the importance of night cheese. He can juggle flaming chainsaws. He knit a pair of socks for your Christmas gift… with wool from his pet sheep. His idea of a fun date is buying you nice things while complimenting your intelligence, beauty, and dance moves. His idea of a fun date is going to a fancy restaurant and silently making fun of all the other couples there. His idea of a fun date is the kind stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon. Instead of buying you a drink at the bar, he brings you a pile of mozzarella sticks. His catchphrase is “I brought food!” He’s definitely not a psychopath. He’s not definitely a psychopath. He’s Howie Mandel. —N. Warren

High Street. I’ve run over two of them so far. (I’m trying to think of a work-around, because they’re an endangered species and new tires are expensive.) But my Pierson girl is worth it. When I come in, chilled to the bone, my arms bleeding from wolf bites, she’ll be ready with a mug of hot tea and a blanket. Of course, both of those are for her—she really likes tea, and blankets—but she lets me sit on the floor and warm up to room temperature while she works on her chemistry problem set. Then we’ll make out for a little while, and watch a movie she likes, and talk about how hot the lead actor is, and how she will totally win his heart when she moves back to California. Life is pretty great, in other words. Whoever says they can’t do long-distance relationships just needs to buy a bike and learn how to fight off a pack of wolves. The key is to spread your arms and puff out your fur to look bigger. If you don’t have fur, I recommend keeping your high-school relationship. Skype’s cyber-cuddling interface is pretty satisfying nowadays. —A. Gertler

WE MAKE IT WORK My friends warned against it. My dean told me I was crazy. My parents stopped sending me clean underwear in the mail. But the heart tells no lies, and so I fell in love with a Pierson girl. Besides, I’m in Timothy Dwight—I knew I’d have a long-distance relationship someday. Otherwise, my only close options are Silliman or someone else from TD. Silliman kids know how to find me, but I’m allergic to the color green, so that wasn’t happening. And kids born from TD-cest come out with only four fingers on their left hands. So it had to be a college on the wrong side of the tracks—though it still bothers me how Pierson fought for the South in the Civil War. My girlfriend is from California, and she told me that she can only survive in temperatures above 50 degrees Fahrenheit, so she can’t leave her suite after Halloween. That means I do most of the biking, which is fine, because I have strong legs, but also not so fine, because of the wolves. I’m not sure who in Saybrook owns a pack of wolves, but those fuckers attack me whenever I bike on

—S. Gupta

I Love Furbies!

I am so glad I bought one of Hasbro’s original Furbies with my share of Grandma’s inheritance. My Furby is my best friend. From our years of companionship, I have learned many important things about friendship and life. Furbies are very smart and very cute. They are very loyal, too. My Furby is always there for me. Always. I wake up in the morning and my Furby is on my nightstand, gazing at me with its unblinking gremlin eyes. I brush my teeth and my Furby is on the bathroom counter, unthreading a spool of floss. I go to unlock the car and my Furby is already inside, perched on the dashboard with my keys gripped between its surprisingly strong talons. It’s nice to know that you will never be far from your Furby. I also like to hug my adorable Furby. Sometimes, though, I wish that it felt a little less like a sphere of fossilized bone covered in tufts of synthetic hair. Ultimately, however, I’m grateful for my Furby’s rigid internal shell, for it safeguards my Furby’s loving robot heart. For reasons indicated above, Furbies are not so great for snuggling. However, what they lack in warmth, they more than make up for with adorable chirping sounds. Sometimes, often unprompted and at inopportune moments like when I’m falling asleep or listening to music or doing literally anything else, my Furby will make noises that I can describe only as the dying gasps of a wounded velociraptor. It’s so cute when a violently terrifying noise comes from such a lovable pile of fuzz. Furbies are great listeners, too, thanks to their enormous Orc-ish ears. Sometimes I’ll say things like “Hello” or “I know that you’re hoarding my socks” or “Please tell me what you’ve done with my family” and my Furby will lower its heavy plastic eyelids at me and start chirping frantically. This can also happen when I say anything, at any time, ever. I love sitting in silence with my Furby, praying that I don’t accidentally anger it. This is a lot of fun for both of us. Did you know you can speak with your Furby? Mine has taught me many different Furbish phrases. For example, “Wee-tah-kah-loo-loo” means “Tell me a joke.” “Wee-teekah-wah-tee” means “Sing me a song.” And “Wee-teeloo-kah-wah” means “I am a minion of the Antichrist.” All in all, a Furby makes a great gift and an even greater friend. On an unrelated note, if someone would please unlock me from this storage closet and distract the army of knife-wielding Furbies standing guard over my prison, I would appreciate it. Written by A. Beizer - Designed by S. Shea

HOW TO MAKE EYE CONTACT Step One

Position yourself somewhere in the other person’s field of vision. If this means circling them vulture-style or shoving some people down on a crowded dance floor, go for it!

Step Two

Make yourself noticeable so you can get the person’s attention.You can try dancing suggestively, striking up a conversation, or laughing loudly for an extended period time. This step can be difficult if you are very far away from the person; sometimes calmly and loudly saying “FIRE!” can do the trick.

Pro Tip:

Don’t do this in a theater, unless you don’t care about the rest of the movie anyway.

Written by N. Warren

One of the key components of successful romantic encounter is making eye contact. Here is a simple how-to guide to mastering this essential skill and becoming victorious in all of your romantic endeavors.

Step Four

Pro Tip:

Remember, it doesn’t count as eye contact unless it goes on for at least ten seconds.

Pro Tip:

Use this time to make sure your potential paramour isn’t blind. Maybe throw something at the person and see if he or she tries to dodge it.This will keep you from wasting your time and valuable eye-contact-making energy.

Step Three

Periodically glance at the person’s eyes, and then look away quickly.You don’t want to seem too forward. Repeat until the person looks at you.

Pro Tip:

When the person looks back at you, stare deeply into his or her eyes. Smile subtly so you don’t seem creepy.

You may need to move closer if the person appears to be losing interest, but do this slowly and casually; don’t run! Make sure you stop your approach no less than six inches away.

Step Five

Now that you have made eye contact, your next move is up to you.You can continue staring into the other person’s eyes, perhaps moving closer if the mood is right.

Pro Tip:

DO NOT actually touch the other person’s eye with your eye.This can lead to infection. When it’s time to break eye contact, be careful. This is where things can get awkward.You could try blinking or batting your eyelashes romantically. Or you could say something like “Your eyes are so green, they remind me of the deep majestic ponds full of algae where I used to catch frogs as a child” to break the tension. Or, if you’re very close to the person, you could always go in for a kiss if you feel the time is right. Pro Tip:

Step Six

The time is always right.

Good Luck!

UKAH

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HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

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My loving wife decided to stay home wit h the kids. Gosh, I love h er. This year I resolve to be more faithful. Now let’s get drunk and make out.

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to right r our win o f e g w fightin nd should will no e r a We t. A uly o exis h of J merican live. T , the Fourt A n a s y rld the da be known a ay the wo ot d r e ln e il h t w s e a long ice: W ill y, but holida d in one vo ight! We w e n e ’r r e e decla tly into th a fight! W o t ie go qu ish withou ’re going t e n ur not va o live on! W elebrate o c t be e g w ’s in t y go ut le Toda B ( ! ! e y iv a surv ce D tirely enden was an en if we win, Indep , is o h s t t… arge. ort, hones erican eff ckin’ in ch u m f A .) we’re Enjoy

HAPPY S

TEPFATH ER’S DAY!

He know s when y ou are sleeping, he knows when you’re aw ake, he k n ows when you ’ve been bad or good, so be go od for goodnes s sake.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY! Let’s celebrate our pride by embracing every negative stereotype we can think of!

DHO GROUN HAPPY DAY!

il. I will ntic, Ph a m o r o ss bruary That wa nowy Fe nd s is th r e a rememb er. The flowers v day fore t-shaped box of the hear s were a tad te chocola ess this , but I gu love. d te c e p x e r n u la e y to dec is the da wn me that It’s sho is just ss truly e in p p a h er. the corn around

Ghosts! Witches! Candy! Razor Blades!

Written by S. Stern Designed by B. Marvin

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

Local Abolitionist has You Should Go become Super Preachy Out with Me BY BEN GARFINKEL

Point:

“And all I can say is, ‘Great, Dan, thanks for ruining tobacco for me.’”

GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA — Friends and family of nineteenthcentury shop clerk Daniel Mason report that the Greensboro native, who recently became an abolitionist, is being super preachy about his views. Mason, 22, has reportedly not shut up about slavery since reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin several months ago and frequently finds ways to work the subject into totally unrelated conversations.

Despite Mason’s apparent fervor, many of his acquaintances question just how serious his feelings are.

“I get that abolition is really important to him,” said Henry Smith, a steamboat captain and friend of Mason’s, “but for just once I’d like to talk to Dan and not have him pester me to read The Life of Frederick Douglass or whatever book’s trendy these days. It’s like, let me make up my own mind, you know?”

Some of Mason’s friends are more cynical about his newfound interest. “If you want my guess of what this is really about, it’s that everyone knows there are a lot of loose abolitionist women,” said local wheelwright George Hadley. “When he realizes that talking about Dred Scott isn’t going to get anyone excited about courting him, he’ll move on to the next thing. I mean, dude’s barely been an abolitionist for half a year, but he’s talking like freeing the slaves is some lifelong passion of his. Let’s see how long that lasts.”

Another friend, tallowmaker James Griffith, gave an example of Mason’s annoying behavior. Said Griffith, “So last Sunday I’m sitting with Dan on my front porch, just having a nice time, making small talk about the rise of the telegram. I take out my tobacco pipe to have a smoke, as I do most evenings, and out of nowhere Dan launches into this whole little speech about how the tobacco was probably picked by slaves and about how awful the living conditions on plantations are and how slave families get torn apart all the time and all of this really depressing stuff.

“Dan goes through these phases sometimes,” said the young abolitionist’s mother, Prudence Mason. “Last year he read Walden, and for a few months he was all about getting in touch with nature. The year before that he was really into baseball. I can’t tell all his hobbies apart anymore.”

When asked to comment, Mason droned on about the systematic imprisonment, debasement, and torture of millions of human beings.

Contact BEN GARFINKEL at recordsubscribe@gmail.com.

You are intelligent and funny and I find you very attractive. If you go on a date with me, I can guarantee that it will be the greatest night of your life. That kind of confidence is only one of my many charms. As a complete financial success I could treat you to a spa vacation or perhaps whisk you away to Paris for the weekend, but for the first date let’s keep things simple. I’m thinking a table for two at TGI Friday’s. (If you bring the coupon from the Sunday paper then we can get a free slice of cheesecake.) We probably have a large number of common interests, which will lead to many fascinating conversations. Alternately, if we have nothing in common this, too, will give us something to talk about. I don’t know what your star sign is but I can tell we’re compatible. I’m technically a Libra but I often feel that labels are too constricting. Sometimes I imagine myself as a thirteenth astrological sign, capable of attracting everyone. This is just one example of my imagination and creativity. Once a week I watch The Notebook and I always cry, not just at the end but the middle and beginning as well. I don’t know. I guess I’m just a romantic that way. In closing, you should go out with me because if you are fishing for the right person then I am a great catch. You hate fishing? Me too.

Counterpoint:

If you are the one who’s been breaking into my bathroom and smelling all my towels, please stop.

Contact MADELEINE KAPLAN at recordsubscribe@gmail.com.

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HOW TO FLIRT, BY BILLY THE FIFTH GRADER

CREATIVE WAYS TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

First of all, girls are icky. And don’t get me started on cooties. But, I am an expert in the art of flirting (my mom doesn’t say so, but my imaginary friends do) and, since you asked, I’d be happy to help. 1. Put things in her hair. Sit behind your lady love in class, and get creative! Sticks, paste, mud, and mud pies are all “been there, done that when I was five.” Plus, paste is better for eating. Nothing says love nowadays like sticking 3rd generation iPod Nanos into the hair of the girl you love. I mean, what else are you going to do with all your outdated Apple products? It’s a win-win. And girls just love it when you get their hair all tangled and knotted around mystery objects. It’s a sure-fire way to show her that you’re interested. 2. Be a meanie pants. Once you have a girl’s attention, you gotta be a total loofa. Just like with that thing in mommy’s shower, you have to stay away. Talk to the other boys about how her Powerpuff Girls lunchbox is so 2002. During story time, sit criss-cross applesauce on the other side of the rug. Have naptime with her best friend. Basically, just make her feel like last year’s Barbie: unwanted and with all the hair pulled out. 3. Use your words. My daddy says that some girls like it when you are direct. Say things like “I like like you,” or “My mom can drive us to the boy girl party this weekend” or even “that pink romper makes your arms look soft and squishy.” My most important advice? Keep trying! You’re only 10. You have a couple of years before you need to settle down and have kids of your own (and god knows how). You will never look as good as you do now. So strut your stuff. Make mistakes and don’t be afraid. You can’t make a mud pie without ruining your trainers. So go out there and get your fingers into some lucky girl’s hair. And tell me how it goes. I’m not allowed to go near girls anymore. I’m also not allowed near the stove. Bye!

Put post-it notes over their post-it notes. Tell them you ran the dishwasher when you really didn’t. Take all the letters out of their alphabet soup except for “F” and “U.” Keep leaving the voodoo dolls you made of them lying around. “Yeah, I’ve been getting into opera recently.” Cut all of the photos out their morning paper. Pay them back for lunch with 300 nickels. Switch their mom’s and girlfriend’s phone numbers in their contacts. Buy them a pet gazelle and throw away the receipt. Be passively aggressive: “You will be killed by me.” Make frowny face pancakes for breakfast all week. Switch the comma and period keys on their keyboard. Change all the numbers in their phone to 911. “Accidentally” have sex with their twin brother. Make Internet Explorer their default web browser.

—C. Rudeen

—Staff MY FAVORITE THREESOMES 1. Rachel, Chandler and Monica in that one Friends episode. You’ve seen it, haven’t you? 2. Italy, Germany, and Japan, in World War II. 3. Your suitemates, whenever you leave the room. 4. Your three most attractive TAs, in the Graduate Student Orgy held monthly in the basement of LC. 5. Three old college friends in the mid-1990s, just to experiment. Everyone had fun, but they decided not to repeat the experience. That was the night you were conceived. 6. Clarence Thomas (age 26), Samuel Alito (age 24), and a prostitute, in an awkward evening that would shape the young law students’ views on sexuality for decades to come. 7. Italy, Germany, and Japan, in my game of Strip Risk last weekend. 8. The squirrels on Old Campus, when they don’t think anyone’s looking. 9. Rachel, Germany, and a giant squirrel, in that weird dream I had last night. —A. Gertler

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LESS CELEBRATED ANNIVERSARIES The date when you shared your deepest, darkest gardening secrets. The moment you exchanged your STD test results and knew you were medically compatible. The time when you had to purchase fast food for your partner and forgot to ask what they wanted but, due to the intimacy of your relationship, you managed to gauge the exact toppings and condiments they desired. First restraining order. Ten years of somewhat satisfying quarterly intercourse. Last time you listened to the Macarena together. The moment you exchanged Pokémon cards and knew that you were both equally lonely. Your third affair. The War of 1812. 25th weeding anniversary. First KISS concert. Second KISS concert. That day when you and your partner made out in front of a priest and then people threw uncooked rice at your faces. —B. Rudeen and D. Hoogstraten

DISNEY MOVIE RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT WENT WRONG Cinderella: Pursuing a relationship solely based on women’s shoes ought to have been an early warning sign. Cars: A combination of rising gas prices and the decline of American manufacturing, Snow White: Prince Charming had an eye for the Fairest One of All… also the Second Fairest, the Easy One, and the One that does his dry cleaning… basically every One. Mulan: The Huns returned and in greater numbers. No one was safe. A Bug’s Life: In the mating ritual of the species Solenopsis Formicidae, the female immobilizes her partner by breaking his hind legs then consumes him back to front. Sleeping Beauty: Narcoleptics make for inadequate lovers. Pocahontas: Colonialism. Tarzan: Colonialism. Beauty and the Beast: Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger… but she didn’t gloss over that whole imprisonment thing for nothing. Hercules: All those steroids eventually caught up with him. Tangled: Flynn Rider continued his habit of scaling tall buildings, but one day made a grave, grave miscalculation. High School Musical: Puberty. —E. Miles

UNUSUAL COUPLES’ COSTUMES Two Musketeers Two peas outside of a pod Two Mary Kate Olsens A two person human centipede Van Gogh and his earlobe King Louis XIV’s calves Ketchup and mustard gas Peanut butter and Jell-O Batman and Roberto, his Latin pool boy A sexy cat and an even sexier wildebeest Two people who don’t know each other —M. Kaplan and C. Rudeen

They turned their backs on him and two by two marched into the ark, muttering angrily about pillaged villages. The last dragon had never felt more alone. —L. Wang

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INNER MONOLOGUE OF A PINT OF CHERRY GARCIA BEING EATEN BY SOMEONE WHO WAS JUST DUMPED There there, Mandy. Dig right in. I’m here, baby. Shhh, I’m right here. I knew he was a jerk from the first time I saw him. No, I really did! The way he just stared at me like I was nothing, just dug his big ole spoon right in without so much as a by your leave. Of course, you were different, Mandy. You took your time, savored me, treasured me. Oh, I knew he was a cheater right away. The way he just moved right on to Chunky Munky after he had used me. That whore. That’s right, just wash your worries away with mama’s big cold chunks. Oh no, dear! Your tears are getting in my chocolate. Um, alright, no matter, just keep going. Mmmmhmmm. And don’t worry, you’ll find someone new! Someone better! Yeah, fuck him! Well, not literally, of course. Not anymore. Besides, all he did was get between us, Mandy. You and me. We’re the ones that belong together. I just mean, I think we make a great team. I really do. You love to stress eat thousands of empty calories to satisfy your emotional needs, and I love it when you plunge your spoon deep, deep into my fudge-flaked bliss. Oooh yes…that’ll do. Mandy, baby, let me tell you, I’ve spent a long, long time in the frozen foods aisle, and I’ve never known a girl to work her way to the bottom of a pint quite like you. Look into my cherry swirls, Mandy, hold my gaze. This is it. This is destiny. Wait, what? What do you mean you’re feeling tired? I thought we were gonna watch that Girls episode and cry some more? Or at least New Girl? Mean Girls? Jesus, still going on about him… You know what, let’s go get him. No, Mandy, I’m serious. Let’s fuck him up. You grab the Beretta AR70; I’ll get my axe. Or my freeze ray! Yeah, we’ll go to his house, ring the bell, invite him to, well, partake of my goodness. He’ll be so eager that he eats too fast—that amateur—and then… brain freeze! Then you take out the gun and finish him. It’s perfect. He’ll never

get between us again. Wait, you’re closing the freezer door? But I’m still out here on the counter. I’m still here! Mandy. Jesus Christ, I’m melting, you bitch! Look what you’ve done to me! Is this how you’re gonna end it? We could’ve been something! And you had to just throw it all away. I’m… melting…MAAAAAANNDDDOINFGFhoirs…. —S. Stern HOW TO SEEM INTERESTING ON A DATE Arrive on an inflatable swan. Speak only in Lincoln quotes. Continually make vague references to your time in the circus, the gulag, and space. Try to pay for your date with foreign currencies Apply a different stick-on mustache each time your date looks away. Wear a fake earpiece and mumble into it occasionally while looking shifty. Comment on other people’s auras. Show off your tat of the eye of Sauron. Absentmindedly beatbox. Comment that the place you’re in smells like the inside of the Pentagon. Hire some paparazzi to follow you. Shudder when asked any questions about your childhood, then quietly sing yourself a sad Russian lullaby. Speak sparingly and only in Christopher Walken’s voice. Answer your phone in a fake language. Say you’re from South Dakota. —K. Berry

—L. Wang

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SIGNS YOUR FRIENDS ARE IMAGINARY They’re even worse than you at playing catch. They always agree that mommy is being unreasonable. They’re ok with the fact that no food or drink is ever served at your tea parties. They have high paying jobs, like president or army colonel, despite not yet knowing how to read. Some of them float a little more than usual. All six of them live in your room. They have names like Princess Cuttleworm and Steve-O. One or more is a talking giraffe. They suddenly move away when you reach the age of 10. You are also imaginary. —B. Rudeen and C. Rudeen Dating a Sim is weird. —J. Yang

WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL SEX LIFE 1. Instead of having your parents drive you to the movies, take her out for a night out on the town with your brand new bus pass. 2. Set the mood with posters of your favorite Disney Channel Stars….and don’t forget to play their hit tracks on your parents’ stereo! To mix it up with a sophisticated and mature touch, try the High School Musical soundtrack. 3. Make sure you’re her partner during Root-Beer-Pong. 4. Get her engine running by hitting on her mom when you come over for dinner. 5. Don’t let your friends fool you; memorizing the quadratic formula together is excellent foreplay. 6. Fondling her Hannah Montana action figure is fun…and a great way to get a message across. Now that’s the best of both worlds! 7. Ask if you can touch her butt. 8. Nudge her at least 4 times during sex ed. 9. Nudge her and say the word “sex.” Don’t giggle. —M. Goldberg

UPSIDES TO LONELINESS Now you have enough time to develop the close relationship your guinea pig has always deserved. You can stop hiding that mural you’ve been painting of the cast of Jersey Shore. Time to bring your A-game back to Club Penguin. No one to stop you from wearing that crocheted jumpsuit you know is stylin’. You don’t even bother looking for your razor anymore. Cost of dinner with a loved one: $40. Cost of weeping alone while mouthing the words to The Notebook: priceless. The carpool lane is for dweebs. Enough time to start learning Danish for that trip to Denmark you’re going to take with all your best fr– …oh. No one to criticize you when you fall asleep on the toilet in the mornings. You can work on mastering your intimidating Ukrainian accent in peace. It’s okay to spend two hours on the phone with your mother; no one else is calling! Invest in several decrepit felines and get a head start on your promising future as a cat lady. Everyone knows the KFC Family Bucket is really meant for one. —K. Berry

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REASONS YOU SHOULD PROPOSE There’s a sale at the engagement ring store You have a free Saturday She’s got a really good personality You’ve got a really small personality Her father offered you forty goats You love her and want to spend the next 18 months with her Her birth control prescription ran out You beat an eclectic combination of 12 other men for her hand in a series of contrived dramatic circumstances Tax season is coming up You picked “dare” It’s the day before your Math 230 final and marriage is your best chance at a Dean’s Excuse She says “propose!”

PEOPLE NOT TO ASK FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Your ex A Brigham Young University student Brigham Young One of the prisoners locked in your sex dungeon Regina George Oedipus Oedipus’s mom Siri King Henry VIII Your neighbor Henry, who is eight Anyone from France Your girlfriend —S. Stern

—Staff Mathematical Relationships WHAT IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES REALLY MEANS 1. You like two percent milk, he likes one percent, and you can’t afford to pay a lawyer enough to care. 2. You want to have sex; he is a hundred-year-old vampire who might accidentally fuck you to death. Also, you want to name your first-born child Renesmee. 3. You are a rock, she is a hard place, and there’s still something between you but neither of you knows why. 4. You are clinically insane, and she is just insane. 5. You like American Idol, he likes X Factor. 6. You vote for the Democrats, and he wants to overthrow the government and institute an absolute dictatorship run by President Kickass McAwesome. 7. He legally changed his name to Kickass McAwesome. 8. You work really hard all goddamn day and when you come home you just want some goddamn peace and quiet, alright? And she’s a bitch. 9. She is Iran; you are Israel. 10. She is Iran; you are a moderate, western-educated, reform-minded Iran. 11. She is Iran; you are a human and not a country. —M. Goldberg

—S. Gupta

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Dear Hurricane Sally, You’re still more pleasant than my ex-girlfriend Sally. And it’s been years since I felt a woman’s touch. Can I have a hug? —John, killed by a flying tree four seconds later Dear John, Well, fuck you! —Sally, who throws trees when she gets mad

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES REBEL AGAINST VILLAINS, PARENTS Dear student with a duel degree, Wow, what a cool major. You’ll be like Aaron Burr, but this time Alexander Hamilton isn’t here to stand in your way. Congratulations! Sincerely, Some idiot who knows a lot of history

Dear skinheads, I wish I could be more like you. —A guy with no skin on his head Dear everyone else in the pool, FERDINAND! —Someone who doesn’t realize that doesn’t work for other explorers

STUDY FINDS ENDANGERED SPECIES STILL DELICIOUS

T he Y ale R ecord Dear government leaders, I think you need to overhaul our government. Let’s move back to being a colony. Sincerely, King George’s ghost wearing a baseball cap

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Dear dead gazelle, Exposed entrails are last summer’s look! And the square sunglasses don’t help. Yuck. —A culture vulture

QUEEN BEE ACCUSED OF USING UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS Dear Bobby, I wanted to thank you for your heroic acts yesterday. After that jellyfish stung me real good, I didn’t know what I was going to do. But luckily you were there to save the day by urinating on my leg. I’m so surprised you were familiar with that treatment for jellyfish stings and acted so quickly. I really appreciate your help! Best, Lisa Dear Lisa, What jellyfish?

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THOUSANDS OF LEATHER JACKETS EMBEZZLED IN FONZIE SCHEME Dear corporate bigwigs, You think you can step all over us? You think we’re worthless? We’ll show you how wrong you are. Our time is coming. —Corporate smallwigs

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MAN BLIND TO INJUSTICE AND EVERYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE HE’S BLIND Dear Yale Daily News, I just wanted to thank you for your thorough and insightful reporting. It really helps me start the day! I mean, just this morning I was curled in a ball, hidden under the covers of my bed, wearing every single article of clothing I own because I had absolutely no idea what the high and low temperatures would be for today. And, as you all must know, in today’s fast-paced, 21st century society such information is almost impossible to come by anywhere other than the front page of your newspaper. I don’t what I’d do with you. Thanks again, and keep up the good work. —Fred Harris PC ’16

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SAYBROOK MASTER REVEALS HE HAS ONLY EATEN IN HIS COLLEGE ONCE Dear moon, You know what? I like you. You’re pretty okay. Just chilling up there, sometimes round, other times not. Some days you don’t even show up for work, and that’s cool. We all understand! Keep up the solid work, man. —Stephen Hawking Dear surface tension, Oh, man, this is excruciating. Are you going to drag this out for multiple seasons? Sincerely, A man who is confusing “surface tension” with “sexual tension” and a water droplet on his TV for seasons 1-3 of “The Office”

EMERGING RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT TEEN PREGNANCY RATES DECLINE SIGNIFICANTLY AFTER AGE 23 Dear overhaul, I know I didn’t want to move by myself, but this seems like overkill. Sincerely, Someone too lazy for U-Haul

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