The 2016 Freshman Issue

Vol. 145, No. 1

T he F reshman I ssue

THE YALE

1 Sept. 1, 2016

RECORD

2

YALE UNIVERSITY

T he Y ale R ecord

JUDAIC STUDIES Fall 2016 Course Offerings FRESHMAN SEMINAR RLST 012 Divine Law in Historical Perspective, Hayes, Christine 9-10:15am MW BIBLICAL JDST 110 The Bible, Hayes, Christine 11:25:12:50pm MW ANCIENT JDST 230 Law & Narrative, Gender & Sex, Bickart, Noah 3:30-5:20 Th JDST 391 The Midrash Seminar: The Revelation at Sinai, Fraade, Steven 9:25-11:15am R JDST 392 Mishnah Seminar: Tractate RoshHaShanah, Fraade, Steven 9:25-11:15am W MEDIEVAL & EARLY MODERN JDST 200 History Of Jews to Early Modern Times, Marcus, Ivan 11:25-12:50pm TR JDST 260 Jewish Biblical Commentaries, Breuer, Edward 1:30-3:20pm W JDST 261 Jews at the Origins of Islam, Yadgar, Liran 9:25-11:15am T JDST 270 Medieval Jews, Muslims, and Christians in Conversation, Marcus, Ivan 9:25-11:15 R JDST335 Jewish Philosophy, Franks, Paul 9.25-11.15 Th MODERN JDST 216 Intersubjectivity and Dialogue, Angermann, Asaf 1:30-3:20pm R JDST 332 Zionism, Stern, Elli 10:30-11:20am MW JDST 336 The Culture of Acculturation, Sorkin, David 1:30-3:20pm T JDST 340 Political History European Jewry 1589-1897 Sorkin, David 2.30-3.20 MW JDST 349 Ethnicity, Religion and Nationality, Hever, Hannan & Stern, Elli 3:30-5:20pm W LANGUAGE & LITERATURE HEBR 110 Elementary Modern Hebrew, Dina Roginsky 9:25–10:20 or 10:30–11:20 MTWTHF HEBR 130 Intermediate Modern Hebrew, Shiri Goren and Orit Yeret MW 1-2:15, Orit Yeret, TTH 2:30–3:45, Shiri Goren HEBR 150/JDST 213 Advanced Modern Hebrew: Daily Life in Israel, Orit Yeret 9:00-10:15 WF HEBR 158/JDST305 Contemporary Israeli Society in Film, Shiri Goren 11:35-12:50 T Th HEBR 160/JDST 360 Hebrew in a Changing World, Dina Roginsky 1:00-2:15 T Th JDST 339 Politics in Modern Hebrew Literature, Hever, Hannan 2:30-4:20pm T JDST 416 Reading Yiddish, Price, Joshua 1:30-3:20pm Th _____________________________________________________________

Program in Judaic Studies Yale University 451 College St., Rm. 301 New Haven, CT 06511 Tel – (203)432-0843, Fax – (203)432-4889 www.judaicstudies.yale.edu

Please note that information on courses, including meeting days and times, is subject to revision.

Students should check the printed YCPS and especially the on-line course information for the fullest and most accurate information

“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

join@yalerecord.com

LOCAL JANITOR SUGGESTS SWEEPING SCHOOL REFORM Dear Oedipus, I fucked your mom.

—Oedipus

STUDY FINDS REMOTE IN COUCH Dear horse, Why the long face?

—A snarky bartender Dear bartender, Millions of years of favorable genetic selection, resulting, perhaps randomly, in an extended snout.

—What a horse would say if strong vocal cords had been genetically selected in its species

WHOOPS! STUDY FINDS LOTS OF OTHER THINGS IN COUCH

Dear Son, Your theories are freaking me out; we need to talk.

—Amalia Freud Dear Mother, I thought you liked it freaky.

—Sigmund

FAITH IN MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS RESTORED! THE DOCTORS SAID MY LITTLE FIGHTER WOULDN’T MAKE IT THIS FAR, AND THEY WERE TOTALLY RIGHT Dear doctor, Leeches? What is this, the 1800s?

—A man in the 1800s who can’t remember what century he lives in

FRESHMAN ROOMMATES STARTING TO BOND OVER SHARED INTEREST IN SITTING AT THEIR DESKS AND CRYING INTO BOWLS OF LUCKY CHARMS Dear person, Why the short face?

—A horse bartender

MAN BUYS TINY CAR TO COMPENSATE FOR HIS ENORMOUS PENIS Dear Titanic, Yeah, that scene was sad but what if the people were dogs?

—A man who only has empathy for animals

T he Y ale R ecord

4

“THE LEFT WING HAS GONE TOO FAR,” REPORTS TERRIFIED PILOT

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

FOR SALE: Anacondas. Since you might be swallowed whole eventually, why not make it now?

Dear everyone, I can’t believe no one told me that my sleeves had ripped off, and that my strong, tan arms were exposed! I’m so embarrassed that everyone saw my strong, tan arms!

—A man wearing a sleeveless shirt Dear sawdust, We write to inform you that your use of the name “sawdust” constitutes copyright infringement, and that we will take legal action if you do not cease and desist at once. We thank you for your compliance.

—The Society of People Who Once Saw Dustin Hoffman

GRADUATING SENIOR IN PROFILE PIC EITHER GIVING OR RECEIVING DIPLOMA Dear Titanic, Sucks to suck!

—Hindenburg, May 5, 1937

Dear Hindenburg, Karma’s a bitch, you hydrogenfilled moron!

—Challenger Space Shuttle, January 27, 1968 Dear Challenger, Oh the irony, you dumbass!

—A man who just ordered spaghetti while on a date

T he F reshman I ssue

DESPITE NEED TO REPLACE IT WITH YOUNGER, MORE TECH-SAVVY EMPLOYEES, BOOTY JUST WON’T QUIT Dear kids these days, Quit acting so entitled. You have no idea how easy you have it.

—The current generation, 30 years from now, joining our forefathers in the bitter fear of genuine human progress

STUDENT GOES TO CHAPLAIN’S OFFICE TO FIND GOD, SETTLES FOR ICE CREAM INSTEAD

5

Dear Mom, Why do I have so many freckles?

—Susie Dear Susie, I don’t have freckles. Your dad doesn’t have freckles. Your grandparents and siblings don’t have freckles. Connect the dots.

—Mom

CHRISTIAN TEEN STRANDED IN DESERT SAVING HERSELF FOR MIRAGE Dear parishioner, The mass is always greener on the other side.

—A pastor who is dissapointed and embarrassed by his church’s carbon footprint

FOR SALE:

Feet. Because sometimes you deserve other people’s feet more than they do.

T he Y ale R ecord

6

Â

image' R SALON & SPA

Book your appointment and receive a

2016-17 Student Savings Card * Â

1210 Chapel St. New Haven, CT

203-562-4247 203-776-4248 appt@rimagesalon.com www.rimagesalon.com *Student savings available T-F only

T he F reshman I ssue

Dear bludgeons, What are you, exactly? I think I’ve literally never seen a bludgeon, not even a picture of one. Do you even exist?

Did you ever exist? Am I a bludgeon?

Do I exist?

—A philosophy student in a military history class

PROFESSOR IMPRESSED YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN HIGH SCHOOL

ISIS JUST TWO TRANSITIVE VERBS IN A TRENCHCOAT

Dear Myron, Can you pass me the applesauce?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, WHAT!?!?

—Myron

Dear America, ​I’m ready for Hillary.

—Bill Clinton wearing only a saxophone

“WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?” ASKS PHILOSOPHICAL BABY

7

Dear Myron, I said, CAN YOU PASS THE APPLESAUCE!?

—Ethel Dear Ethel, FOR GOD’S SAKE, ETHEL, YOU DON’T NEED TO SHOUT! —Myron

ROOMMATE PUTS SOCK ON DOOR TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW COOL SOCK IS

Emmy Waldman ‘11

H

ey, you! I’m Rachel. I’m in Morse College. I’m from Buffalo, New York.

I may be a senior, but the only thing that really separates me from you is that I finally found the haircut that suits my face shape.

You see, this is my first editorial for The Yale Record (the oldest humor magazine in the world!), and I’m just as nervous as Moses was the day he packed up God’s Subaru Outback and set out for the promised land: New Haven, Connecticut.

Sure, I may have a ton of great friends, a humor magazine to run into the ground by the end of the year, and a haircut that suits my face shape. But despite my glamorous exterior, I’m still just a wobbly little baby deer-person terrified by the thought of doing anything new. Here are some of the ways that writing my very first editorial for The Yale Record has been exactly like your first few days of freshman year: Today, I woke up hungover and then threw up outside of Woolsey Hall in front of a large number of my peers and their parents.

I blamed my little outburst on first-editorial jitters, and not the seven beers I shotgunned in the Record office to get my “creative juices flowing.”

Next, I went for a walk to clear my head and cried in front of both Blue States and both Willoughby’s’ (is that the correct plural???).

I then called my mom and played a sound clip of “people having a fun yet productive time” to convince her that I was having a fun yet productive time writing my very first editorial for The Yale Record.

Once I was sure my mom was convinced I was doing that and not eating peanut butter straight from the jar while sobbing quietly, I started shouting the words “Hey you! I’m Rachel. I’m in Morse College. I’m from Buffalo, New York,” at every human being I encountered.

I then told my SAT score to a lot of people who didn’t ask what my SAT score was. I felt bad about myself because theirs were higher than mine, and wondered if I had been admitted to Yale and given the title “Editor in Chief of

T he F reshman I ssue

The Yale Record” and the task of writing this editorial in one hugely embarrassing series of clerical errors by the Yale Admissions Office. I began to panic that there was another R. Lackner who had been robbed of the opportunity to attend this institution and write this editorial. His or her (and, let’s be honest: Considering the historical gender biases in both this institution and the comedic world, it’s most likely his) very first editorial would probably have been much more charming than mine, with the perfect level of snark and self-deprecation to convince people to continue reading this issue and maybe even come to a Record meeting in LC 209 at 9 p.m. on Monday nights. I worried that this R. Lackner would have found a smoother way than I just did to incorporate the time and location of Record meetings, as well as the fact that there will be pizza.

There will be pizza.

Then I cried in front of Maison Mathis, which costs $9.58 with tax and comes with a side salad.

Does any of this sound familiar? You might be thinking “Wow. Freshman year/writing your very first editorial for The Yale Record sounds like a hoot and a half. Let me at it.” Or you might be thinking “Egads! I never want to do any of that.” Maybe you, like me, are still anxious thinking about the plural of Willoughby’s. These are all perfectly normal feelings to have.

And the good news is that those feelings of

Ben Rudeen ’17 Chairman

Rachel Lackner ’17 Editor in Chief

9

uncertainty and anxiety don’t ever completely go away.

And YES, that is the good news. It means that we’re all in the same boat. We’re all a bunch of wobbly little baby deer-people sailing around in this boat called Yale University in this ocean called LIFE. You will soon get your sea legs and stop feeling queasy from the lethal combo of seasickness and Dubra, but you and me and even Peter Salovey are all still little baby deer-people wobbling and bobbling around.

And those weird, uncomfortable feelings you’re feeling in your precious lil heart? These feelings are propelling that boat. Befriend them, knit them tiny beanies, and put them in your pocket so you can take them out every so often to give a gentle kiss on the forehead as thanks for doing their job.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s OK not to know what you’re doing. Don’t pretend you have it all together, because then you’ll make me feel bad and I don’t have the self-esteem for that. Embrace those feelings of discomfort and anxiety. Find a haircut that suits your face shape and some friends who suit your heart shape and some academic interests that fit your head shape, but don’t expect them all to come at once.

And while you’re at it, stop by LC 209 at 9 p.m. on Monday nights.

There will be pizza.

—R. Lackner Editor in Chief

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Online Editor in Chief

Chris Rudeen ’17 Publisher

Alex Ringlein ’18 Webmaster

Liz Kingsley ’19 Managing Editor

Alison Mansfield ’17 Lead Design Editor

Lane Unsworth ’19 Art Director

Vicky Liu ’19 Business Manager

Archie Kinnane ’18 Supplementals Editor

Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Managing Editor

Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor

Brian Beitler ’18 Staff Director

Chasan Hall ’18 Video Director

Jake Houston ’19 Managing Editor

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Online Managing Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Assistant Design Editor

Graham Ambrose ’18 Publicity Manager

Sam Savitz ’17 Director of Special Projects

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Spencer Birney ’18 Emma Chanen ’19 Amanda Corcoran ’18 Valcy Etienne ’16 Jackie Ferro ’17 Max Goldberg ’17

Timur Guler ’18 Sahil Gupta ’17 Mikayla Harris ’17 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19 Katie Kidney ’19

Joseph Kuperschmidt ’17 Yanna Lee ’17 Roger Lopez ’18 Leila Murphy ’19 Henry Robinson ’19 Jonathan Rutter ’18

Natalya Sanghvi ’18 Harrison Schneider ’17 Justin Shi ’18 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19 Sarah Sukin ’18

Teddy Thum ’18 Rachel Treisman ’19 Alissa Wang ’19 Alex Zhang ’18

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Nicole Eskow ’19 Jordy Gardenswartz ’18 Micah Osler ’18 Deborah Monti ‘19 Ashton Megli ‘18

Special thanks to: Ben Garfinkel ’16 , who has asked repeatedly and quite aggressively to be known henceforth as “The Very Handsome Graduated Boy.” Cover by: Annelisa Leinbach Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLV, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2016 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

BEST PLACES TO EAT ON CAMPUS, IF YOU LIKE TO EAT BOOKS Sterling Memorial Library – A great place to start.

With over 12 million books, the options are practically endless. They have a great selection of Middle Eastern or Chinese, and don’t forget the thesauruses. Delicious!

Or should I say scrumptious? A word of warning: Some of the books on the upper floors of the stacks may be sticky.

Bass Library – This is a newer eatery, and it’s a bit more underground for those of you trying to find something less mainstream. The lack of natural light adds great ambience. The selection may not be as nice as you find in Sterling, but the service is great, even if there are sometimes naked people running through.

Library Storage Facility – If you’re looking to escape hectic campus life, head on over to the LSF. Sure, they may store the books in shipping containers, but the roundthe-clock climate control keeps the freshness in. And they even have free delivery! Bet you wish you had found this hidden gem, Zagat!

Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library – If you are a true connoisseur with a refined palate, you won’t want to eat what the common man enjoys.

You’ll want something more … rare. These books are aged for the best taste, and though you may feel guilty about the indulgence, you’ll know it was worth it.

For those with sophisticated taste, try the manuscripts, and for the carnivores out there, don’t miss out on the vellum-bound tomes.

Booktrader – While this entry may be misleading, as it is listed in many guidebooks as a food café, they also have books! While those weirdos are slurping down “corfee” and guzzling “sandy witches,” you can cozy up with a nice book to eat. Try the paperbacks for a light snack!

—B. Rudeen & S. Savitz BREAKING UP WITH YOUR LONG-DISTANCE SIGNIFICANT OTHER Make Subtle Suggestions about Ending the Relationship– Talk about all of the “hot, sexy, and emotionally available” people you met on your first day here.

Complain about your new college problems by saying things like, “My new best friend lives one floor above me. I don’t know how our friendship will survive, considering the distance.”

Begin by Provoking Irrational Fights – Pick on your soon-tobe-former significant other for liking Swiss cheese more than Gruyère. Accuse them of cheating on you with their celebrity crush. Respond to absolutely anything they say with “Didgeridoo.”

End it, But Avoid Explaining the Real Reason Why You’re Ending It – It’s easy to say “I don’t want to be in a longdistance relationship.” But what if they decide to move cross-country to be with you? To be safe, just say “I want to break up.” If they ask why, tell them you are entering the witness protection program because you are being targeted by criminals and that you have already told them too much.

T he F reshman I ssue

Add a Plot Twist – Plot twists make everything more interesting and are also a good distraction from the horrifying realities of life. During the breakup, make a shocking claim to keep their mind off their great sorrow. Good examples include “I kidnapped your dog!” or “I used your credit card to buy a 14-karat gold statue of Barry from Bee Movie!”

Send a Follow-Up Essay 24 Hours After the Breakup– Be sure to cite any outside sources you used and explain your reactions to the breakup. This is best done in MLA format. Use a varied vocabulary and complex sentence structure so that you are remembered fondly as a very eloquent writer, rather than a heartbreaker.

Don’t Forget to Remember the Good Times – Regardless of how strictly you follow my expert advice, remember that most relationships come with great memories. Like the time you adopted a highway together, or the day they got their braces stuck in your braces and your dad had to drive you to the emergency room for an extraction procedure (and while you were waiting in the lobby, you’re pretty sure they told you they loved you, but it was hard to hear what they said because of the whole “their braces being stuck in your braces” thing).

Immediately Replace Your Significant Other With a Yale Student – Or just go to Woads. Whatever works.

11

Adam Samuel Steinberg – You, however, can blame the system. There are only so many combinations of “Adam,” “Samuel,” and “Steinberg” to be made, and with almost 25% of the Yale population being Jewish, they’re all covered. It would actually be reasonable for you to believe that you were the 69th Yalie of the Internet Age to be named Adam Samuel Steinberg (with perhaps a few Aaron Solomon Sterns in the mix). Unfortunately for you, though, the numbers are random. Yale could’ve chosen just about any number between 1 and 99, and you got 69. You, “ass69,” are a victim of the system.

Peter Oliver Trenton, congratulations. You’re going to do great things. Rock on, “pot420.”

—L. Kingsley POINT: CLASSES HERE ARE HARD Look to your left. Look to your right. At the end of this year one of the people sitting next to you will not be here.

COUNTERPOINT: ALL LIFE ENDS IN DEATH They were never here. You are alone and always have been. Just keep playing your games, Unsworth.

—L. Unsworth

—N. Eskow COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR NETID Phoebe Olivia Osternitz, I am so sorry. There’s no one to blame but your parents. For the rest of your Yale career, you will have to type “poo” on your screen as the Jessica Elizabeth Rachel Kings of the world look on with scorn. And maybe you could have just kept your head down and hoped for the best, but “poo22” has such a nice ring to it. Now it’s the nickname even your FroCo calls you. Yikes. I have two suggestions for you: save your netID into your “keychain” so you can spend minimal time on the login page, and remember to take your Lactaid before every meal so people don’t start putting a scent to the name.

—L. Unsworth

T he Y ale R ecord

12

FRESHMAN ISSUES FOR THE FRESHMAN ISSUE Forgetting to put detergent in the washing machine The first time you get sexiled Remembering to put Kool-Aid in the washing machine Having fewer Facebook friends than a humble Samoyed Mastering the art of pooping in public Squirrels everywhere Timothy Dwight College Miscalculating the number of apples in a Durfee’s swipe Correctly calculating the number of apples in a Durfee’s swipe but then accidentally throwing them all into traffic Tour groups everywhere Bunk beds The 23rd time you get sexiled Midterms everywhere Finding condoms between the couch cushions Seeing your FroCo at Woads Having even more gorgeous white hair than a humble Samoyed Can I get a Dean’s Excuse for that?

—R. Treisman HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE BE YOUR FRIEND 1. Ask them what residential college they’re in. People love being asked what residential college they’re in.

It makes them remember how lucky they are to be a part of Yale’s residential college system.

2. Remind them of your own residential college. People love learning what residential college you live in.

It reminds them that you, too, are part of Yale’s residential college system.

3. Ask them where they’re from. People love being from somewhere and letting you know about it.

4. Ask them if they know those other people from their state that you met yesterday. People love making connections with strangers by acknowledging that they both know people from a state.

5. Ask them if they were home that time you were in their state. People love making connections over missed connections.

6. Ask them what their favorite restaurant is. People love realizing that you know there are restaurants in their hometown.

7. Ask them if they ever saw you while you were

watching their house. People love realizing that you cared enough to perform a 48-hour stakeout.

8. Ask them if they’d like to see their home. People love watching their family through those video cameras you set up two years ago in every room of their house.

9. Ask them if they’d rather be your friend or never see their parents again. People love having to make tough choices, especially when the stakes are so high.

10. Bake them cookies. People love cookies.

—N. Ewing-Crystal HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD Financial security Make a glorious art piece from empty beer cans Date a nice Jewish pre-med (Note: If parents are antisemitic, see next entry) Do NOT date a nice Jewish pre-med Kiss Peter Salovey on his goddamn beautiful mouth Finally punch the moon, your great sky nemesis Buy Commons and rename it after yourself Transition from Lucky Charms to Frosted Mini Wheats Get over your Oedipus complex Stop using no-tear shampoo Start using extra-tear shampoo Tell mom she looks good in that dress dad bought her Do NOT kill your father despite how beautiful your mom looks in that glamorous yet age-appropriate dress Get El Chapo’s business card Get new parents who are already proud -Staff

—C. Rudeen

T he F reshman I ssue

13

He breathes in a single gust of air. Every inhalation is sweet and distinct, full of new smells and sensations. Dust. Grass clippings. Stale beer. Nervous perspiration. The hair atop his head is wispy, almost like a whisper. His face: plump and lively. He can’t stop smiling. He thinks he will never stop smiling. His eyes squint shut, as the sunlight is all too new to him and his unseasoned corneas. It is painful to see but he can’t stop; with wide eyes he drinks in the world around him. Boxes. Bags.

Crying. His skin: soft and supple, yet to be touched by human hands.

He lacks muscle tone, as he has not had time on this earth to develop it.

He approaches the world with awe.

He is Fresh Man. Writing: L. Unsworth | Design: S. Rae-Grant

14

142

T he Y ale R ecord The Yale Record

15 Diary of the FOOT Trip that Never Returned

T he F reshman I ssue

Day 1

Today we realized we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, but we couldn’t figure out where. To make matters worse, when we were checking the map a hawk swooped down and took it. We tried using our satellite phone, but a second hawk took that too! We aren’t too worried about supplies, but just to be sure for dinner we killed and ate Kevin. Man, Yale sure has a complicated campus!

Day 2

We woke up this morning and laughed about how silly it was that we ate Kevin.

After breakfast, we took the bus into the White Mountains. The hike to our campsite was tough, and at a few points I had to stop to take blister band-aids out of my Kevin-skin pouch. Ultimately, it was a great day and I feel like I’m going to be great friends with the other FOOTies (except Kevin LOL).

Day 3

Last night our tents collapsed (Kevin must have had a calcium deficiency, that backstabbing bastard!) and we were soaked by heavy rain that ruined our map and satellite phone. To make matters worse, it turns out that FOOT leader training only prepares FOOT leaders for strenuous team bonding and doesn’t actually cover wilderness survival. We spent the day walking in the direction that Dave, one of our FOOT leaders, said we came from.

Day 4

Dave told us that yesterday was opposite day (a fun FOOT tradition!), and assured us that, though we were a day further from our destination, we were all closer friends as a result of participating. With only one day of rations left we have to make sure we go the right way tomorrow.

Day 5

We are lost and hungry. To make matters worse, to pass the time yesterday we had an iodine-pill eating contest and now we have no way to purify our water. Most of all, we all agree that we miss Kevin a lot, with his warm smile, his compassion, and his tender thigh meat.

Day 9

We are all so, so very hungry. I long for any signs of human existence outside of our small FOOT group, while the trip continues to get more dangerous. Today we had to cross a busy highway just to continue on the trail that we hope leads us back to civilization. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on.

Day 14

I tried to be strong, but in the end I couldn’t help myself. Now I am so very alone. At least I’m not hungry anymore.

T he Y ale R ecord

16

NE W HA VEN, CONN EC TICU T ·

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2016 2 01 4

· V OL . CX LV

, NO . 1

· yalerecord.org yalerecord.c

Everyone But You Having the Best Time of Their Lives

BY RACHEL LACKNER STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN, CT — Three days into Camp Yale, a survey of the entire freshman class revealed that literally everyone except for you is having a really, really amazing time.

The survey, sent to all 1,373 members of the incoming freshman class, included such questions as “Are you the happiest you’ve ever been?” and “Is everything here so perfect that you’ve forgotten all aspects of your former life and never want to leave Yale?” both of which received 1,372 responses in the affirmative.

Camp Yale marks the first time that many members of the class of 2020 have been away from their homes and their families, so it’s totally understandable that you’ve already called your parents today. That being said, you should know that you’re the only one.

Derrick Evens ’20 even said that he would “probably not even notice if his hometown burst into flames,” as he is “literally the opposite of homesick” due to

Happy students, aka not you.

how much more fun he is having than you. “I’d probably be okay if my entire family was mauled by a bear.” He then added, “Wenzels are great.”

“I’m just so happy here, every single moment of every single day,” reported all five of your suitemates, separately, sporting the matching T-shirts they made together that night you spent

NTI TER

A wenzel and chips, more appealing than hometown devastation.

feeling uncomfortable and out of place at Toad’s. They all agreed that “a sixth close friend would definitely ruin their best-friends dynamic.”

“I’ve already made as many friends as I could possibly need,” added your roommate, Emily Zheng ’20, showing off her 37, freshly hand-braided friendship bracelets.

When asked if in the last three hours they had cried silently over a piece of Claire’s cake during the Slifka bluebooking study break, all but one respondent in the survey answered, “No, I have not.

How embarrassing for the one person that did that. College is so great and I can’t possibly imagine being any happier that I currently am.”

Contact RACHEL LACKNER at join@yalerecord.com

T he F reshman I ssue

17

“I’m So Drunk,” Reports Drunk Freshman

BY IAN GONZALEZ STAFF REPORTER

NEW HAVEN, CT — Freshman Dylan Franco ’20 has officially confirmed that this Saturday evening, at the SAE fraternity house, he was heavily intoxicated for at least an hour.

Experts at the Yale School of Medicine report that the most likely cause of the intoxication was “[a shit-ton of] alcohol … [what a cool bro].”

“I’m so drunk,” Franco told the Record “I’ve never been this drunk before.” Upon further questioning, he revealed the cocktail of “hardcore” drinks that had caused his current state of inebriation.

“Back at the pregame I blasted at least four Mike’s Hards,” he said, using a really cool nickname for the popular beverage. “Then I pounded like three shots. It’s been a while since then and I think it’s all hitting me right now, full force.

This is crazy.”

Sources close to Franco corroborated some parts of his story, though there was some dispute over a few details.

A shit-ton of alcohol and “hardcore” liquids.

“Yeah, he’s been going pretty hard,” said Timmy Haskell ’20, who claimed to be “best friends” with Dylan despite not knowing his last name or what college he was in. “Def [sic] not as hard as me though. But I’m not drunk – my tolerance is sooooo high. Can you include that in the article?”

Another friend of Franco’s, Brian Cohen ’20, claimed that there was “no way he downed three shots” and went so far as to claim that Franco was not, in fact, drunk.

“He’s got to be faking,” said

Cohen. “No one gets drunk that easily. Just now he told me he was ‘definitely blackout’ – I don’t think he’s ever even been blackout before, so how would he know?” Cohen went on to add that, for the record, he had blacked out a “bunch of times.”

After hearing those accusations, Dylan became irate and told the Record that he would prove how drunk he was by doing a kegstand. He immediately approached one of the party’s main kegs and leapt on top of it

triumphantly, explaining that “a non-drunk person would never be willing to do a kegstand this awesome,” before falling off the keg and being physically removed from the premises.

When asked for comment, University President Peter Salovey declined to speak in person on the matter but reminded the Record in an email that official University policy considers anyone who gets drunk on less than four shots to be “bitchly” and also expressed his sincerest hope that “someone Contact IAN GONZALEZ at join@yalerecord.com

OH MY GOD, Yale is PERFECT

BY NICK GOEL STAFF REPORTER I arrived at Yale less than a week ago, and it has been the most stimulating experience of my mortal life.

First of all, I absolutely love all of my classes. They challenge me to think in new ways and provide an outlet for my unbridled curiosity.

Like earlier today I was “shopping” a course called “Introduction to Psychology,” when the Brooks and Suzanne Ragen Professor of Cognitive Science Marvin Chun showed us all a picture of a cup that looked kind of like two people’s faces. Before he could even say anything, me and my new lifelong friend Jessie turned to each other and were just like, “HOLY

CRAP THAT’S WHY I CHOSE YALE.” I also love my suitemates.

They’re basically the most diverse, athletic, intelligent, diverse, and motivated people I’ve ever met.

For example, we were all talking on the first night, and it turns out that my roommate founded this startup that provides low-cost technical

support to children in Malawi. Like seriously? I live with this kid.

After that I went for a solitary walk with 11 of my new friends just so I could better absorb the timeless beauty of the Elm City. While I sat cross-legged in the center of the Women’s Table, I thought of all of my forbearers who had sacrificed so much to make this opportunity

18

T he Y ale R ecord

T he F reshman I ssue

19

Writing: N. Eskow | Design: S. Rae-Grant

20

T he Y ale R ecord

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OUT OF YOUR FOUR YEARS HERE EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL KILL YOU AT THE END Introduce yourself to all 1,372 of your classmates in the first week of Camp Yale and only remember Kyle. Kyle will be important in the end, I promise.

Go along with your friends to see all the famous guest speakers and pretend you’ve heard of them, because wise words and tenuous social connections will serve you well for your next—and last—four years.

Study excessively in each library until the sight of old, weathered books makes you want to vomit and die, and the only option left is to do homework in the fetal position in a pool of tears on your common room floor. At least this will help you get back in touch with your prenatal self, which once thought nothing and felt no pain (this is a state to which you will return when you die).

Enter senior year with a positive new attitude, but after two weeks relapse into napping every day in front of a blank Word document entitled “My Terrible Thesis.” Who cares? You probably won’t live to see your grade, anyway.

Upload your last paper onto ClassesV2, then take a lighter to your laptop and delightedly watch it burn.

Ceremoniously release toads into Toad’s, where you have always thought they belonged. There, they will carry on your legacy of late-night misbehavior.

Reconnect with Kyle from Camp Yale by finding out where he lives and throwing rocks at his window while crying, “Goodnight, my Sweet Prince!” despite not having seen him since Camp Yale.

Text Cindy to tell her you’re sorry for sleeping with Jack sophomore year, that you’re not sorry for spilling cheap rum on her second favorite pair of overalls junior year, and that you hope you’ll see her on the other side.

Reflect on your memories of the last four years as a cloaked Peter Salovey leads you from commencement into the damp darkness of the steam tunnels, and you hear the call of death beckoning as the cold cloth of the blindfold folds your eyelids closed forever — oh, they didn’t tell you about

this part? Oh, geez, this is awkward...

—A. Wang

SOMEDAY YOU’LL BE JUST LIKE ME Son, moving you into your college dorm reminds me of my days on this campus. The smell of old wood wainscoting brings me back to days of yore, when the boys and I used to roughhouse on Old Campus while we threw around the old pigskin. I remember one particularly rowdy night the boys sang a barbershop quartet version of “When the Saints Come Marching In” as I made sweet love to the statue of Theodore Woolsey. Those were the days. I used to carouse about town in my trusty seersucker suit. I packed it so I can give it to you. Now you can do exactly what I did.

When your mother and I decided we wanted to make a tiny version of ourselves, I was hoping that you would end up mostly like me. But up until now, you’ve done a lot of things differently than me, which is too bad. I didn’t grow up playing computer games and “Ultimate Frisbee.” My pals and I preferred to use fishing rods to hook onto girls’ skirts as they went to class. But now that you’re attending this school, it’s like you’re a gangly version of me in my youth.

You had some other choices of schools, but I wanted you to choose this one, and I’m glad you did because it’s the one I like better than the other ones. I wanted to make sure we sent you down the right path. We’re your parents, so we know what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is exactly what I did. Because I know it works.

I know that when you steal someone’s wheelbarrow while singing “Bright College Years” and break your hand by accidentally punching the columns outside Commons, you end up getting married at the age of 26 to a woman named Sherry. I know that when you take a drunk dump in the library copy of Jack London’s Call of the Wild and join the Yale Spizzwinks(?), you later become a successful investment banker. It worked that way for me, so it will work that way for you.

Just do exactly what I did, and someday you’ll be just like me. And that’s good thing.

—L. Unsworth

T he F reshman I ssue

THINGS OTHER THAN MEN THAT COULD BE FRESH Your scent after you rinse and repeat Légumes Canned meat, but only if you find it on the day it was canned Funky beats Your attitude, young lady!

Bangladesh, if you wrote the word on an index card, erased the “Banglad” and wrote “fr” instead A newborn child A newborn antelope A warm breeze on a summer’s eve Dairy products The pretzels you found between the couch cushions, but probably not Women —L. Kingsley THINGS TO DRINK INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL College is a time to let loose and have fun, but you should never feel like you need to imbibe at a social gathering if you aren’t comfortable. Here are some alternative beverages to sip while you make your very first college friends!

THE BLOOD OF SALAMANDER atthetwenty-firsthour ofthedarkcursednight thejuiceofthislizard willhelpkeepthingslight THE FIRE OF DARKEST TIMES fromthegriefofourpeople comesthisvialofhate twosipsbeforeleaving canmakeyournightgreat THE TEARS OF BROKEN LOVE seasonstoseasons yearspassingby tastethiselixer andcrankthatbeathigh

21

SPRITE asourclearliquid thatpacksquiteapunch it’sgreatataparty ormaybeforlunch!

—J. Houston THINGS TO TELL YOURSELF ABOUT YALE TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE FACT THAT GEORGE W. BUSH WENT HERE Yale has an incredible variety of both instrumental and choral music groups. Whether your thing is orchestral music or rock, gospel or a cappella, you’ll find the ensemble for you here at Yale! Whether you’re a performer or more of a spectator, let the beautiful music drown out the sound of your brain shrieking about the fact that George W. Bush, Warmonger Supreme, was a student here from 1964 to 1968.

Yale’s beautiful architectural styles include Collegiate Gothic, Georgian, and whatever Morse and Stiles are.That’s right! Yale boasts some of the most beautiful college architecture in the country. In fact, Robert Frost called the Branford Quad the most beautiful courtyard in America! Even if you, like the infamous George “Walker” Bush DC ’68, are not in Branford, there’s nothing better than taking a stroll around campus to clear your head of the knowledge that you are walking in the very steps of one of our most criticized presidents.

Clarence Thomas went here too. Try focusing on this instead of the fact that George “Oil Boy” Bush, Baseballman in Chief, once strutted across this campus before graduating with a B.A. in history. Justice Clarence Thomas, or “Silent Cal,” went almost 10 years without asking a question on the Supreme Court!

Commons is open until 3 p.m. No way! Yale’s biggest dining hall is open from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., four whole hours! Grab some pizza for a late lunch with friends and try to take your mind off the possibility that George “George W. Bush” W. Bush could have sat in your very seat during his four-yearlong conquest of Yale’s campus!

—J. Houston

T he Y ale R ecord

22

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T EAT HERE Rocks You couldn’t eat them at home, so why do you think you could eat them here?

Art Whether they are paintings or sculptures, you should cross all works of art off your list of things to eat at college.

The Physics Department The Physics Department includes buildings, which are made of rocks. And you can’t eat rocks, remember?

Things Labeled “Not for Consumption” “Not for consumption” is a fancy way of saying you shouldn’t eat it. For example, vegan ravioli is “not for consumption.”

Food at the Saybrook Dining Hall You have 11 other choices, why choose that one?

Rocks I know I mentioned them before, but I really wanted to make sure that you do not eat them. And just a reminder: This means you can’t eat the Physics Department.

Art We’re talking about the person now. Don’t eat him. He is Denise’s boyfriend.

The Physics Department (faculty) What part of “don’t eat rocks” don’t you understand?

Teddy He is my turtle and I love him.

Asbestos While the real danger of asbestos is inhalation, this in no way means you should eat it. And just a reminder: This means you can’t eat food at the Saybrook Dining Hall.

—B. Beitler

TOP FIVE COLLEGES RANKED ALPHABETICALLY* 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Berkeley College Branford College Calhoun College Davenport College Jonathan Edwards College

*When reading this list, we ask you to please keep in mind that each one of Yale’s residential colleges is unique and beautiful in its own way. The 12 colleges differ in architecture and size, but every one of them features state-ofthe-art facilities and a vibrant community where academics and friendship are held above all else. The structure of this list was very constraining in that the rankings were based entirely on the alphabetical order of the colleges.

In no way were they based off the experiences one would have in any of the residential colleges: the quality of life and vibrancy of Berkeley, Branford, Calhoun, Davenport, Jonathan Edwards, Morse, Pierson, Saybrook, Silliman, Stiles, Timothy Dwight, and Trumbull are wonderful and will surely guide a student along the path needed for him or her to excel at Yale and to lead a successful and prosperous life after graduating.

—J. Houston WAYS TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU’RE ACTUALLY IN A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP Pretend to be talking to someone while you’re masturbating, being sure to frequently call out a zip code far from the one in which you currently are Yell “long-distance relationship” into a sea shell and throw it into the dining hall Tape a face onto a body pillow and have it visit one to two times a year Pay $8.99 a month for Skype Premium (excluding tax) and post the bill in the sacred spot above your Pink Floyd poster Pretend to be talking to someone while you’re crying in your room Refuse to go out at all, citing the need for “love partner time” Preface every sentence with, “Speaking as someone in a long-distance relationship…”

T he F reshman I ssue

Drape an iPad with a picture of a sock on it over your doorknob to indicate the cybersex happening inside the room Tell everyone that your SO’s name is “Dad” Meet someone in high school who, at first sight, seems to be the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen, a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel, one who brings endless joy and wonder into your life, and then get up the nerve to ask them out to the Big Dance, after which you fall more and more in love until forced apart by unforeseen circumstances, then just repeat this story to anyone who will listen ­­—S. Savitz & B. Rudeen EXCUSES FOR NOT JOINING A CLUB Your mom is calling you You’re already planning on crying and masturbating in the shower that night My mom is calling you It’s the Being Luke Wilson club and you’re not Luke Wilson The club is a bad club The club is a dad club The club is a bear cub There’s a better club inside your head Greece’s economy is collapsing and it’s the We Love Greece’s Economy club The club down the street is much more spacious and has an adorable kitchen, can’t we go see that again, Henry?

You’re already in the club —Staff WAYS YOU’RE ALREADY FUCKING UP Only taking eight credits this semester Thinking Toad’s involves actual amphibians Knowing Toad’s doesn’t involve actual amphibians, but still wanting to go there instead of seeing my salamander collection Leaving a paper trail You only have two ears? Oh. That’s ...cool, I guess.

Spoiling Dumbledore’s death for your sheltered roommate Quadruple majoring

23

Majoring in communications despite it not existing at Yale Selling your roommate into indentured servitude Showing up to your midterm in your underwear Showing up to your underwear in your midterm Not making the most of Yale’s incredible resources Passing flirtatious notes to your professor and still failing the class Still using wide-ruled paper Joining clubs that are not The Yale Record Not fucking down —Staff POINT: I GO TO YALE, SO I AM SMART It’s me, a typical Yale student. Every day, I correctly use words like egregious and phosphorescence. In high school, my friends and enemies all called me “Perfect Test and Essay Girl.” One time I robbed a bank of 79 percent of its money as a metaphor for the wage gap, as well as to point out the flaws in the bank’s security system. I go to Yale, which proves that I am as Smart as they say.

COUNTERPOINT: IT APPEARS THAT I AM ONCE AGAIN TRAPPED AT THE BOTTOM OF A VERY DARK WELL AND CANNOT ESCAPE. It has happened again: I have fallen into the local well without any practical well-escaping knowledge or tools.

Now my friends and enemies are refusing to rescue me from the bottom of this very dark well because they say I will only fall in again tomorrow. This is likely true.

The well is not too terrible of a place to live, but I am concerned that I will not be able to get another Dean’s Excuse for “being at the bottom of a well and lacking the basic skills necessary to escape.” Perhaps it is time to face the egregious truth in all its phosphorescence: I may not be as Smart as they say.

—R. Lackner

T he Y ale R ecord

24

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME,” SAYS MAN CRUSHED BY TINY GOATS

Dear rock with an inspirational quote, Thanks a lot. You really got me through the death of my grandfather.

—Dave Dear Dave, HOPE.

Dear cocker spaniel with a heart of gold, I will miss you forever.

Unfortunately, your heart of gold was much better at circulating smiles and laughs through those lucky enough to meet you than blood throughout your arteries and veins. We will never forget your wagging tail, gentle personality, and slightly bluish tint.

—Steve, who is also a white supremacist, so you shouldn’t feel that bad for him

REVISED, TOTALLY INOFFENSIVE EDITION OF MEIN KAMPF NOW BEGINS WITH WORDS “NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT.. ”

all-butter bakery.

Baked from scratch, daily. vegan, gluten free, paleo. stumptown coffee. open 8:30-6 (m-f) 11-5 (sat). .great place to hang and do work 74 Whitney Ave

—Rock

New Haven, CT

NEW INVESTIGATION REVEALS THAT NORTH DAKOTA DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST Dear America, I love you. I love how free you are.

I love your work on Ugly Betty.

—A man in love with America Ferrera

JEOPARDY HOST ALEX TREBEK GETS EXTENDED PRISON SENTENCE AFTER DEMANDING IT BE GIVEN IN FORM OF A QUESTION

T he F reshman I ssue

W IT H CLOU D N OT H I NG S

25

AQUEOUS & EGGY // COSMIC DUST BUNNIES & BOBBY PALTAUF BAND

FRIDAY & SATURDAY

SEPT 9 + 10

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS

HOP ALONG ALEX G

WITH RUBY THE RABBITFOOT

5 1 .

9

With JULIEN BAKER & MATES OF STATE

WITH SPECIAL GUEST

SOFI TUKKER

F R I D AY S E P T. 2 3

M ARC M ARON T H E

T O O

R E A L

T O U R

S EP T EM B ER 2 5 With Josh Ritter SATURDAY

10.8.16

ANDREW BIRD

WITH BARR Y BOS TWIC K

COS TUM E CON TES T AU DIE NC E PA RT ICI ...PAT IO N

WITH SINKANE

10/30

FRIDAY OCTOBER 14

FRED ARMISEN

11.3 SATU R DAY NOVE M B E R 5

FRIDAY

NOV. 4 WITH SPECIAL GUESTS

FOXING & MERCURY GIRLS

C OLLE GESTREETMUS ICHALL.CO M • 8 7 7 .9 8 7. 6 4 8 7

26

T he Y ale R ecord

SMALL BUSINESS OWNER INVESTS IN STEP STOOL Dear Euler, If you’re so smart, why don’t you find a way to relate 0, 1, pi, and i?

—Samantha Dear Samantha, 1+pi+i=0.

—A very drunk Euler

VILLAGE IDIOT TRIES TO USE NEWTON’S LAWS OF MOTION IN A NON-INERTIAL REFERENCE FRAME Dear Alex, Who let the dogs out?

—A Jeopardy contestant responding to the prompt, “An incompetent kennel owner”

BRAVE MAN BREAKS PERSONAL RECORD FOR SECONDS SPENT LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT SOBBING Dear Kanye, I love you like Kanye loves Kanye

—Kanye West, vigorously masturbating

hours

Monday - Thursday 7am - 6pm Friday 7am - 3pm Saturday 7:30am - 1:30pm

contact 338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203 - 777 - 6736 F: 203 - 777 - 6740

we cater

Catering: 203 - 777 - 6735

T he F reshman I ssue

27

Welcome back to school!

Come check out the city's best bike shop!

High st

OLD CAMPUS College st

10% off helmets.

NEW HAVEN

Temple St

GREEN

5% off fender lights and locks.

Church st

Orange st Elm st

N

S

C h a pe l S t

W

137 Orange St

E

The Devil’s Gear Bike Shop . riders, riders into cyclists.

Turning folks into

T Y R 28 yale’s oldest stand-up comedy* outlet he

ale

ecord

STAND-UP COMEDY? participate in THE CUCUMBER! interested in

performers wanted; no experience necessary seriously, no experience necessary you don't even need to know how to read! (although if you don't, how are reading this?) contact samuel.savitz@yale.edu

*not guaranteed to be wholesome, family-friendly, or FCC-compliant