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This is the Meta Issue of The Yale Record. This joke is funny because it is self-referential.
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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or
“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.
join@yalerecord.com
STUDY REPORTS ITS FINDINGS Dear [The Yale Record], [Fake relationship problem.] [Long and winding set up of a joke that doesn’t seem like it’ll pay off because it’s going on forever.][Joke pointing out how the entire joke is meta.] —[The Yale Record staff]
THIS HEADLINE IS PARADOXICAL Dear The Yale Record, Or is it “the Yale Record” with a lowercase “the”? Or should I just go for “Yale Record” without the “the”? I only ask so I can know for when I go back to my actual publication and write the article, “Everyone Says The Yale Record is Lame and Definitely Not Funny.” —Some YDN douche
STUDY SHOWS THAT THIS SNEWS PROBABLY WON’T END UP IN THE MAGAZINE
“LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!” DECLARES SWEATY WOMAN IN NEON LEGGINGS WHO FEELS CONSTRAINED BY SOCIETY’S CONSTRUCTS OF BEAUTY AND ALSO BY HER SPANDEX, AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO EXERCISE HER BRAIN NOW INSTEAD Dear Snews, What does that mean, the word “snews”? Is it like a shortened version of “stupid news”? Because it’s dumb and it sounds like you’re trying too hard to be funny, which somehow makes perfect sense to me. —Mailbag Dear “Stupid News,” Alright buddy, you can call my name stupid, that’s fine. But calling me hypothetical? That crosses the line,
buster. Name a time and place; you’ve got your fight. —Mailbag
LOCAL MAILBAG LOOKING FOR A FIGHT, ALSO HAS A STUPID NAME DUE TO ITS NOT BEING AN ACTUAL BAG OF MAIL BUT RATHER SOME DUMB HYPOTHETICAL CORRESPONDENCE *Note from the Record: We must report here that while a fight did occur between Snews and Mailbag, it quickly dissolved into bizzare, passionate makeup sex, and everything is thankfully back to normal.
THE RECORD REALLY JUST A BUNCH OF SMALL FUNNY THINGS INSIDE A BIG FUNNY THING
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DEAR WORLD, THIS HEADLINE IS BOTH A MAILBAG AND A SNEW, BUT IT HAS NO AUTHOR Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM
Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com
BRIAN! Would it kill you to call your mother from time to time?
Dear world, I exist! —God, a young boy who will likely be crushed by the weight of his parents’ high hopes
RACHEL LACKNER REQUESTS META MAILBAGS, DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE GETS Dear The Yale Record, Aren’t you tired of this format? You’ve been using it for like, a hundred years. —The ghost of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
LOCAL RECORD STAFFER SPENDS FIVE MINUTES ON JOKE THAT ELICITS PALTRY LAUGHTER Dear meta mailbag, I think you would be much funnier as a meat mailbag. Like, a literal mailbag full of meat. —A guy who really likes bags of meat Dear meatbag, I think you would be funnier as a meta-bag. Like, a bag for bags in the abstract sense. —Rachel Lackner
THIS SNEWS JUST HOPES IT CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH, BECAUSE MAYBE THAT WOULD GIVE ITS EXISTENCE A LITTLE MEANING
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THIS SNEWS NEVER ASKED TO EXIST Dear Rachel, This is a meta mailbag. Below, I have written a meta-snew. —The author
RACHEL RECEIVES META-MAILBAG REFERENCING META-SNEW Dear Yale Record, Why do you still have mailbags? Mail doesn’t even come in bags anymore. The postal service uses stackable bins. —A pedantic postal-humor enthusiast
AND THE WORST PART IS THIS SNEWS ACTUALLY FEELS BAD FOR YOU
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THIS SNEWS RECOGNIZES THAT EVEN IF IT CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH, IT WILL SOON BE FORGOTTEN AND LIVE OUT THE REST OF ITS ENDLESS DAYS IN SOLITUDE AND GRIEF Dear Guy Fieri, You are our captive now. There is no escape, and resistance is futile. Prepare to be changed forever as we overwhelm your mind and, in all likelihood, bring a tear to your eye. Now stop talking to the camera and eat us already! —The remarkable flavors of the AllAmerican Big Bite Double Burger
STUDENT ONLY TAKING ECONOMICS CLASS FOR PROFESSOR’S GREAT CURVES
FOR SALE:
Your favorite three-letter preposition, now 50% off.
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RESEARCHERS FIND WALDO IN TOP LEFT CORNER Dear ancestors, I am sorry if I have soiled your legacy. Our family is still important to me. In fact, I think about our family motto “100 goldfish at a time is probably too many goldfish” whenever I feed my goldfish their flakes, and I am saddened. I hope that you can forgive me someday. —The man who makes the goldfish
BREAKING: GLASS FIGURINE FALLS OFF SHELF Dear Helen, Who’s your daddy? —Estranged relative trying desperately to piece together family tree
MARKETING EXECUTIVE WHO CONFUSED “ANDROGYNOUS” WITH “HYDROGENATED” APOLOGIZES FOR CORN SYRUP MIX-UP
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ISIS JUST TWO TRANSITIVE VERBS IN A TRENCHCOAT Dear skirt steak, I’m glad you dressed up for the occasion. You look great. Is that a new skirt? Dinner looks great. I’ll just take a bite. Mmm that steak is good. Kind of rare, though OH GOD NO I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO EAT YOU, NOW THE SKIRT IS RUINED, AND NOW YOU’RE DYING WHY GOD WHY! —Dave
Emmy Waldman ‘11
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t was the Saturday night before the final week of classes, and I was holed up in the Silliman library, writing the Meta Issue editorial. I was way behind schedule, but the editorial was shaping up well enough. The first line, for example, was totally solid: “It was the Saturday night before the final week of classes, and I was holed up in the Silliman library, writing the Meta Issue editorial.” I had focus-grouped this opener on the other members of the Record’s editorial board, and it had killed. Everyone laughed hysterically at it, although Nick preferred the next paragraph, since he appears in it. “The funny part,” Nick had explained to me, “is that it’s self-referential, which fits with the theme of the issue. What makes it even funnier is that you decided to include this quote from me.” By the end of my fourth paragraph, which consisted of the previous sentence, I was already in pretty deep. I began to worry that my fellow Sillibrary studiers could notice the cold sweat that I was breaking into. With this sentence in particular, in which I discuss the self-referentiality of this sentence in particular, I had climbed at least three levels of meta-ness above the base-level reality. I could feel myself losing touch with this deeper reality, and each new sentence—not least of all this one—carried me farther and farther away. I realized I was already seven paragraphs in and still had written essentially no jokes. I tried to make a joke about my failure to tell a proper joke, but it came out as this discussion of jokes rather than a joke. I was scared and lost and scared of the fact that I was scared and lost and I realized all this and I realized that I realized it and the fact that I had realized I realized it scared me and made me lost and all of this was extremely scary and being scared by it made me lost. I forgot who I was, and I forgot that I had forgotten. Inexplicably, I wasn’t too distraught to write this sentence. A text from Ian, the Record’s publisher, somehow reached me from the realm of simple truths: “How’s the editorial coming? We really need to print this thing.”
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I texted him, and I knew that I was texting him, and told, because only they can truly see themselves. Most these are the words that this paragraph will soon inform creatures do not even possess the concept of themselves as you that I texted him: “I am the eye that watches itself. physical things, pieces of the world that can be seen. There I am the dream that is its own dreamer. I am within and is what they observe, but to them there is no observer, no without. My mind—but one part of the universe—is the locus. For us humans, on the other hand, every action we universe itself.” take will produce, however faintly, the thought, ‘I am doing “So, by tomorrow?” Ian asked. this.’ I am writing to you, and you are reading these words. I watched myself become myself, and this self of mine Here is the paradox, which the words will now tell sent him the file. you: The idea of a self is the idea of a boundary. Reach “Can you cut the part where I ask you to cut this out to touch someone’s hand and know that, in some part?” he asked. fundamental way, the edge of your fingertips is the edge Not only did I not cut that part, but I even went so far of everything. This is what it means to have a self. But as to add this part mentioning that I was adding this part. does observation not require, in principle, a stepping back, “And you’re remembering to put in jokes?” he a stepping beyond? We are locked inside, but, unique messaged me now. “And not just filling space by quoting among all creatures, we are also kept out. This is what the me? These words aren’t in your editorial, right?” words have told you. I had moved beyond words, though. I was flopping on I see infinite light, and hear infinite sound, as reality the floor. I was foaming at the mouth. The guy from the refracts its way through each of the infinite layers of my next table over was trying to keep me from swallowing my awareness. The world collapses to a point, and this point own tongue. Sixteen levels of abstraction away, someone collapses into itself, and at last all is nothing and nothingness was screaming. subsumes the world. The people in the Sillibrary, I have to I was beautiful, and my beauty was beautiful, and I imagine, are very concerned about me. knew all of this, and now so do you. Listen: This is how this editorial ends: I am sorry. Listen: I am the one who made words on this page. This is the Meta Issue of The Yale Record. Listen: I am the words on this page. This was a very bad idea. Listen: I am telling you to listen. I am sorry. —B. Garfinkel Humans are the most tragic animal, you are now being Editor in Chief
Nick Goel ’16 Chairman
Benjamin Garfinkel ’16 Editor in Chief
Ian Gonzalez ’16 Publisher
Annelisa Leinbach ’16 Art Director
Alison Mansfield ’17 Assistant Design Editor
Chasan Hall ’18 Assistant Video Editor
Louisa Cone ’18 Associate Publicity Manager
Mitchell Harris ’16 Business Manager
Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor
Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor
Noah Rae-Grant ’18 Design Editor
Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel
Graham Ambrose ’18 Managing Editor
Brian Beitler ’18 Managing Editor
Archie Kinnane ’18 Managing Editor
Rachel Lackner ’17 Managing Editor
Alex Ringlein ’18 Online Editor
Sam Savitz ’17 Publicity Manager
Ben Rudeen ’17 Staff Director
Madeline Kaplan ’17 Supplementals Editor
Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Video Director
Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Matt Abuzalaf ’18, Spencer Birney ’18, Emma Chanen ’19, Amanda Corcoran ’18, Valcy Etienne ’16, Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19,
Jackie Ferro ’17, Max Goldberg ’17, Timur Guler ’18, Sahil Gupta ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Jake Houston ’19,
Susanqi Jiang ’19, Shea Ketsdever ’19, Katie Kidney ’19, Lizzy Kingsley ’19, Joseph Kuperschmidt ’17, Doo Lee ’16, Yanna Lee ’17, Adam Lessing ’19,
Vicki Liu ’19, Roger Lopez ’18, Leila Murphy ’19, Henry Robinson ’19, Jonathan Rutter ’18, Natalya Sanghvi ’18, Harrison Schneider ’17, Justin Shi ’18,
Eve Sneider ’19, Xavier Sottile ’19, Sarah Sukin ’18, Teddy Thum ’18, Rachel Treisman ’19, Lane Unsworth ’19, Alissa Wang ’19, Alex Zhang ’18
Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers:
Special Thanks to: This special thanks, for being in keeping with the theme of this issue. Cover by: Me, Alison Mansfield ‘17. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIV, No. 6, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2016 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
CLASSIC RECORD PRANKS Locked the Herald in their office before setting fire to the entire building, then distracted the New Haven Fire Department with a rousing rendition of “Barbara Ann” Moved TD brick-by-brick one inch farther away Convinced Ben Carson that he could become a famous neurosurgeon despite his humble beginnings Convinced Ben Carson he could become president Convinced people we didn’t have a lot of sex Invented haircuts to get rid of all that good hair Snuck into the cemetery, then snuck back out again Snuck into the cemetery, but this time, we didn’t leave Generations passed and still we remained in Grove Street Cemetery, while the facts of the world outside became rumor. Rumor became myth. Myth became legend. One day we decided to order pizza so we had to leave for a minute to pick up the pizza but then we went back inside the cemetery Convinced River Clegg and other alumni that there was a future in comedy Instead of saying “Skull and Bones,” one time we whispered “Skull and Bad” —Staff HEY, PLEASE DON’T PUBLISH THIS Hey guys, please don’t publish this. I’m not sure that I want my name to be connected to this piece, or this publication for that matter, in the future. To be honest, I’m considering a career in politics, and everything is so easily searchable in this era that one day someone might find this article in the Record database and use it to destroy my campaign. Then
I’ll be shamed as the candidate who uses too many fragments. Or worse: the one who always has a comma splice, you see what I mean. And you know that someone who can’t use commas properly is never going to, be, President. So please, don’t publish this. Read it, enjoy it, quote it to your friends. Make it a folk tale. Turn it into a treasure hunt. But for the love of God don’t publish this. If you really must (because you’ve got space to fill after the fake ad the alums funded) how about we agree that I make an interpretive drawing of how much I don’t want this piece published? Just to give you a sense of how cool that would be, I am thinking large swathes of blue, deep tracks of orange, and a few dottings of green. You on board yet? No? Okay, what if I agree to use glitter glue to stick on shells of popped balloons? I know that you can’t resist that. So look, I will work on making that piece, you can just discard this, and all will be well. Thanks for your understanding. —N. Sanghvi and S. Sukin
GENERIC LIST PIECE First joke Second joke Joke that builds off of previous entry Pun based off the name of the piece Recall to second joke Another random entry because list pieces usually have between eight and ten entries Biting social commentary Silly final joke —First Initial. Last Name
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5 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU AREN’T THIS LIST You are reading this list now and you are gripping this page with your gentle, delicate fingers, which means this list is something you possess in this moment but is not a part of you because it is an external thing that you are holding in your clever hands You can think of more than five ways you know you aren’t this list, which means you are not this list, because this list can only think of five ways you know you aren’t this list You wish with all your heart that you were this list, which means you are not this list, considering lists cannot wish anything with all their hearts, and if you were this list you would have no need to wish you were this list because you would already be this list Now it seems that you have forgotten the five ways you know you aren’t this list, or they no longer make sense to you, which might seem like evidence to you that you are this list, but in reality only proves the point that you are not this list, because this list has already come up with five reasons why you are not this list You are processing every word of this list while you read it, but the list is not because it already knows all the words because it is made of them, and thus it does not need to read itself because it is itself and every fiber of its being is dependent on the fact that you are not this list, which is true based on the fact that you are taking in every single one of these words right now and your brain is giving them meaning which means you didn’t understand their meaning before but now after reading it you do so you cannot possibly be this list
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Gödel’s Kurtness Theorem: It’s axiomatic. Gödel’s Second Listing Theorem: Items in a list will always be logically consistent. Gödel’s Metric System Proof: Time travel is possible only by measuring meters, not feet. Gödel’s Ontological Proof for the Existence of Dog: Woof! Gödel’s Obese Clergy Theorem: a religious examination of consistency of large cardinals. —T. Gould HOW TO GET OVER SELF CONSCIOUSNESS Ladder Catapult Hot air balloon Elaborate system of pulleys and levers Lots of therapy Become increasingly more conscious of people around you Frontal lobotomy Taunt a particularly vulnerable middle schooler, thereby continuing the cycle Fight your middle school school bully in an abandoned Costco parking lot at dawn Downward social pressure on closest living progeny Imagine Schwarzman naked Write a list piece for The Yale Record —Staff
—J. Houston
GÖDEL’S LESSER-KNOWN THEOREMS Gödel’s Incompleting the Square Theorem: Don’t bother doing your quadratics homework. It will be logically inconsistent anyway. Gödel’s Listing Theorem: Items in a list will never be logically consistent. Gödel’s Incomplete Breakfast Theorem: No complete breakfast can be created without the oatmeal or the orange juice inevitably falling short of the proper consistency.
—L. Unsworth
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I HATE PUNCTUATION You know what I hate more than anything in the world OK polar bears was a good guess OK fair I also hate cold Arctic tundras but no PUNCTUATION why the hell do we need it and why do I have to add these hypothetical pauses into my writing and who even said that punctuation told us to pause because last time I checked punctuation does not really have much of a meaning and since it does not have meaning I wonder if punctuation is really just another lie and this would make sense because my entire life is filled with lies like all those years I believed in Santa Claus and then Bryan ruined it all for me in the fifth grade and what I am trying to say is that we should not believe everything we see and hear and that INCLUDES punctuation like am I actually excited when I use an exclamation point and is my physics professor actually excited about our test tomorrow and are there actually furry white bears roaming the Arctic wilderness NO IT IS ALL A LIE and that is why I stay away from punctuation I wont ever forget that one time in middle school when I got only a 99 on my essay because I used a contraction and ever since I realized that apostrophes are evil and if you decide to join me you will never fall victim to cruel white four clawed monstrous apostrophes that cause you and innocent little baby seals to suffer and fail middle school assignments so death to the question marks exclamation points commas colons semicolons semisemicolons parentheses brackets and the stupid goddamn childhood books that told you polar bears were real because they have been LYING TO YOU since the day you started reading But really polar bears cant be real right —N Eskow LESSER-KNOWN RECORD ARTICLES ABOUT LESSER-KNOWN THINGS esser-known known, but lesser palindromes L Lesser-known names I thought of for your pet ferret Lesser-known times I’ve coughed exquisitely while reading Marcel Proust Ok, then how about some lesser-known surnames for your pet ferret Steve? Lesser-known ham sandwiches that deserve to be king of my belly Lesser-known movies about Madagascar that are not the
beloved animated franchise Lesser-known assholes that won’t let me name their pet ferret Lesser-known reasons why it’s really the content that matters, and not just the title, so making a list of article titles is an inherently unsatisfying, Kafkaesque exercise that can only lead to perpetual disillusionment with the whole course of one’s existence Lesser-known reasons why it’s really the ferret that matters, and not just the name, so making a list of ferret names is an inherently unsatisfying, Kafkaesque exercise that can only lead to perpetual disillusionment with the whole course of one’s existence Lesser-known philosophy grades —H. Robinson PIECES PEOPLE SENT US BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS THE MEAT ISSUE The Yale Record’s top tips for filling your body with Meat Eight things your Meat probably thinks about you Op-ed: Can you truly own Meat? An extra two things your Meat probably thinks about you Sad: Global warming is forcing Inuits to build their igloos out of Meat Seven myths you probably believe about Meat, if someone lied to you about Meat seven times Meat that deserves to be sheriff Inner monologue of the Blessed Meat King, praise be unto Him Beatles songs you didn’t know were Meat and not songs Five paradoxes that are easily solved with Meat All the slabs of Meat in my fridge ranked by how many swear words my nephew has whispered to them against my wishes The best songs to fuck your Meat to I am the one who’s been putting Meat in your mailbox, and I can explain Every object in existence, ranked by whether it is Meat All six types of meat Point: I am Meat. Counterpoint: Yes, you are Meat. —B. Garfinkel and E. Campbell-Taylor
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Welcome to page 13, the only page in this issue of the Record featuring the best article ever published in the history of this magazine. Praise for The Greatest Record Article of All Time
Tips For Reading & Appreciating This Article 1. Do not start reading until you have forgiven all of the terrible people who have ever wronged you. Remember: You can’t spell “hearty laugh” without “heart” and “ugh.”
“Truly, this was the greatest article ever published in The Yale Record—and I would know!” —William Wellington, Old White Man
2. Think of this as the Michael Jordan of Record articles: cool, tall for its age, and bursting with talent. Were it personified, this Record article would be the greatest basketball player of all time.
“I used to think ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away,’ was like, the funniest thing ever. Until I read this article! —Benjamin Franklin
3. Do not eat this page.
Troubleshooting FAQ Q: What if I can’t read? A: Reading tutors are standing by 24/7 to teach you how to read all of the words that appear in this article, but, ironically, not the words that appear in this FAQ. Q: I accidentally crumpled up this page and threw it in the trash and then stomped on it. What do I do now? A: Destroying this Record is a federal crime punishable by up to 55 years in prison.
“I’m so proud of you, honey.” —Mom “I’m also proud of you. And I know I don’t say that often enough. I know I haven’t always been the greatest father. I wasn’t always there for you, and I have some regrets I’ll never...” —Dad
Would U.S President Barack Obama Enjoy Reading This Feature? Yes.
Q: What if I don’t think this is funny?
HERE IT IS! WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO THE GREATEST RECORD ARTICLE OF ALL TIME:
A: It is funny.
Poop is funny ha ha...
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BY DEBOR MONT STAF
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NE W HA VEN, CONN EC TICU T · MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2016 2 01 4 · V OL . CX LIV , NO . 5 · yalerecord.org yalerecord.c NE W HA VEN, CONN EC TICU T · MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2016 2 01 4 · V OL . CX LIV , NO . 5 · yalerecord.org yalerecord.c
Brave White Male Comedian opens up about Penis BY RACHEL LACKNER STAFF REPORTER CAMDEN, NJ — In what audience members described as a “touching expression of courage and vulnerability,” local part-time systems analyst and third-time stand-up comedian Ron Glenneth performed an emotionally charged set inspired by his genitalia. “People might not know this just by looking at me, but I have a huge dick,” said Glenneth to the audience at McMillan’s Comedy Club’s biweekly amateur night. “I guess it takes one to know one.” McMillan’s bartender Regina Lewis said that the Hobokenbased funnyman was “really so courageous” to talk about his penis so candidly in front of a crowd that clearly had no desire to hear about or see it. “He got up there and just went for it.” Jillian Grossman, who had wandered in to escape the cold vand had not been expecting a heartfelt oration as bold and honest as Glenneth’s, said that she “never knew it was possible to have a penis so long that it could get caught in a car door.” Grossman added that she simultaneously “shocked and saddened” by what Glenneth
refers to as the “pilates incident” that took place at the local JCC. Glenneth’s set, which was cut short after the third joke referencing Magnum condoms, lasted just under four minutes. In that time, Glenneth used fourteen synonyms for the phallus, including several he had invented himself. “I’ve had a schlong as long as I can remember,” Glenneth said,
“but I haven’t always had an outlet in which I can talk about it candidly. That’s why I love standup comedy.” Brab Prunkton, one of the many white male amateur comedians known to frequent McMillan’s Comedy Club, applauded Glenneth’s boldness, saying, “Yeah, Ron’s alright. But wait ‘til you see Enormous Jimmy.” Sources close to the
I have a huge dick. Ron Glenneth comedian clarified that Enormous Jimmy is Prunkton’s penis, but couldn’t confirm whether or not it was as large as its nickname suggests. Contact RACHEL LACKNER at join@yalerecord.com
ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION CENSORED DUE TO DUBIOUS LEGALITY
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Apparently someone thought this was funny BY LIZ KINGSLEY STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN, CT—According to sources involved in the publishing process, this very article was thought to be funny by someone, sometime, somewhere. The Yale Record was founded in 1872, making it the world’s oldest continuing humor magazine. Implicit in its status as the world’s oldest continuing humor magazine is the assumption that the Record
exclusively will produce content that is funny. “We take our obligations as a humor magazine very seriously. An article has to pass through the hands of a managing editor, editor in chief and copy editor before going to print,” explained outgoing Chairman, Nick Goel. “So someone – and I’m not gonna name names – let this article be published in the Record because they thought it was funny. It wasn’t me,” he added. Upon reviewing this article
and drawing an incomprehensible array of backwards letters, curvy brackets and squiggly lines on a whiteboard, “First Order Logic” professor Bruno Whittle confirmed, “If The Yale Record only publishes funny articles, and The Yale Record published this article, then it follows that this article must be funny.” When asked if that meant he thought it was funny, Whittle caressed his beard and mumbled something unintelligible. Therefore, someone thought it was
funny, though some may argue that Bruno Whittle is not that person. When confronted about his role in the publishing of a piece of such questionable comedic value, outgoing Editor-in-Chief Ben Garfinkel averted his eyes, developed a prominent twitch in his left cheek, and refused to comment.
Contact LIZ KINGSLEY at join@ yalerecord.com
Study finds magazines sentient, extremely self-conscious BY MADELEINE HUTCHINS STAFF REPORTER New Haven, CT—Researchers at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence were shocked this past Tuesday when results of a highly controversial study revealed that magazines can experience complex emotional events. In an experiment that began as a jocular use of endowment funds, researchers monitored the reactions of various print media to provocative stimuli such as prodding, taunting, and cyberbullying, yielding astonishing results. “As it turns out, magazines are sentient,” reported Roy Simmons, a research associate in the lab. “They feel everything— it’s just awful. There came a point when I just had to stop.” The study shows that being read arouses a particularly crushing selfconsciousness in magazines. Under the reader’s gaze, a publication becomes uncomfortable and begins frantically searching for typos, shoddy arguments, and poor fact-checking, only to succumb to a condition that researchers have dubbed “post-production
A selection of magazines with self-esteem issues
depression,” or PPD. Within the primary stages of the study, 74% of magazines showed symptoms of PPD. Sacha Carson, head of the study, offered some thoughts on the ethical implications of the study: “Now that we know even People has feelings, we need to be more considerate in our dealings with print media.” The Center suggests that readers
handle their reading material with care, by turning their pages gently and complementing their fonts and margins. When asked for a statement, this magazine cried, “COME, SWEET CARESS OF DARKNESS, BRING ME INTO YOUR SILKEN FOLDS AND ENVELOP ME IN THE UNKNOWABLE PEACE OF DEATH!”
At press time, researchers reported many of their magazines were refusing to open.
Contact M.HUTCHINS at join@yalerecord.com
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PIECES WE DECIDED NOT TO PUBLISH qually Sexy Alternatives to Jell-O Wrestling E Ayn Rand Goes to Toad’s You and Your Oedipal Complex: A User’s Guide The Raw Milk Drinker’s Manifesto (unsolicited) Point: Rename Calhoun College. Counterpoint: I’m John C. Calhoun, andasdgasgadsggsdgasdgasdgas This one Damn it —H. Robinson POTENTIAL TITLES FOR THIS PIECE Title Piece List Potential Titles for This Piece ENGL 120 Essay Scratch Paper From My Last Problem Set The Problem Set I Forgot to Do Last Week The Time My TA Was High on Painkillers and Gave Me All the Answers to The Problem Set I Forgot to Do Last Week Snowman! Imagine Schwarzman (Note to self: think of really creative title that will make readers pause in contemplation before I turn in this piece) A Series of Unrequited Declarations of My Love for My Opioid-Addicted TA Who Gave Me All the Answers to The Problem Set I Forgot to Do Last Week Mom, yes, I will get my laundry done—oops, this isn’t iChat
stayed with me This article has no depth whatsoever This article doesn’t even know trigonometry This article will make you feel impotent This article is very repetitive This article won’t respond to your texts even after 14 consecutive calls This article has been married to me for 14 years and it was all a waste of time. This article isn’t an article after all! It’s my wife! This article is very repetitive —N. Ewing-Crystal SHOULDN’T YOU BE WORKING? Hey you! Lonely reader of The Yale Record! I know what you are thinking. Five minutes ago, you were probably like, “oh I’ll just read the Record and do my work after.” But is that the attitude that landed you an acceptance letter to an institution your grandma brags to her bridge group about? I don’t think so, because Nana’s dead, and you never really let your work ethic recover after those AP exams your senior year of high school anyways. Look, we know that reading this issue seemed like a great way to relax and calm down, but also, it’s the Meta Issue. This is about to boggle your brain, so maybe opt for that Macro problem set instead. But it looks like you’re still reading, so what’s the point? Just know that Nana and I are not mad, just disappointed. —N. Sanghvi and S. Sukin
—N. Sanghvi and S. Sukin REASONS THIS ARTICLE SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT INTO THE MAGAZINE This article is very repetitive This article won’t laugh at your jokes, no matter how many of its “jokes” you laugh at This article is as pointless as falling in love This article lacks the emotional capacity to listen This article will stay with you for less time than my wife
—L. Unsworth
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THIS RECORD ARTICLE WANTED TO BE A BALLERINA This article had dreams once. Big dreams. But growing up in a small document file on L. Unsworth’s computer’s hard drive, no one really believed in him. Yeah, that’s right, this article is male. I bet you didn’t think a ballet-loving article could be male. Men can be anything these days. It’s called feminism. The article learned, however, that most people do judge both men and articles based on their own preconceptions. These preconceptions that include the tragic fallacy that a male article could never become a professional ballerina. Ah, but he was determined. This article wanted a lead role in The Nutcracker, where he could plié and sashay with the likes of Misty Copeland and Natalia Osipova. He moved to New York City and got a small apartment that he shared with a food truck review and a long-winded political op-ed who wanted to make it on Broadway. This article worked tirelessly at various part-time jobs to afford ballet lessons. The others in his class said he was no good and criticized him for being no more than just a jumble of letters in a document with no physical body. They also mocked his use of the Oxford comma, even though everyone knows that the Oxford comma facilitates clarity, style, and fluency in reading. After months and months, he started to believe them. This article finally lost his will to dream. This article said goodbye to the review and the op ed and went back home to the document file where his mother embraced him and told him, “You were too ahead of your time. They just didn’t understand your greatness yet.” In the next several years, this article married a pretty DIY blog post and eventually secured a stable job in the world’s oldest continuing humor magazine. For a while he and his wife happily partook in the monotony of blue-collar life. Years went by and this article forgot about his days in the studio, he was just too busy with his career, his wife, and their two little paragraphs running around the house. One day, this article was rummaging through his closet when something tumbled from a high-up shelf. It was an old pointe shoe. This article held the shoe close. It felt like an old friend. Tears came to the article’s I’s as he thought about the years that had gone by and the time spent wasted sitting unread in The Yale Record’s Meta Issue when he knew all that he ever wanted to do was dance. This article just wanted to dance. Now he sits waiting to be recycled into paper cutlery,
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holding onto the fleeting hope that one godforsaken day, some other article will have the fiber to finally finish the work that he started. One day. —L. Unsworth THINGS GOING ON IN BEN GARFINKEL’S LIFE THAT EXPLAIN WHY ALL THE ISSUES CAME OUT LATE THIS YEAR Rejected as a FOOT leader Found out about the Challenger disaster Saw a dog that was too big Saw a dog that was not big enough Woke up one morning from uneasy dreams to find himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect Busy imagining Schwarzman center Terrified that every time he sneezes, he is replaced with an identical person with the same consciousness Presenting at a Beyblade conference Entropy Enthalpy Finally watched the ninth season of Scrubs; understandably upset Freaky Friday’ed with Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture, and doesn’t know how corn works Freaky Friday’ed with a fire hydrant and finally remembered how corn works but it was too late because he was no longer Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture Slowly poisoned over time by a power-hungry successor with bangs and a fun and flirty jean jacket Two tests and a problem set —Staff
—C. Rudeen Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord.
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WHAT THE LENGTH OF YOUR LIST IMPLIES The Record presents advice geared toward writers on the under appreciated psychological implications of the length of your list—specifically the length of your list in a sentence. This piece will guide you through lists of length one through eleven and will provide you tools to write sentences that are more memorable, satisfying, and memorable. List of 1 Demands attention. Boosts author ethos. Often set off by colon. E.g., “... the greatest country in the world: America.” List of 2 Implies closed set. Items often in opposition. E.g., “... those without tiny penises, and those who own Porsche 911s.” List of 3 Implies larger, closed set. With brevity and rhythm author sets up expectation, continues expectation, and deflates. Recall the “rule of three” of comedy. E.g., “The many hardships of running a Record meeting span preparing the week’s agenda, brainstorming list pieces, and subduing that maneating gorilla under the table with your bare feet.” List of 4 Means that there’s more to the world beyond list. Has the effect of “et cetera.” E.g., “The Cubs didn’t make the playoffs in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012.” List of 5 See List of 4. List of 6 See List of 5, or List of 4, or List of 5 if you don’t want to scroll up, or 4 because it’s the original, or just remember what you read ten seconds ago because nothing really changed, or don’t. List of 7 Connotes epicness. E.g., Seven Wonders of the World. Also Harry Potter: Sorcerer’s Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince, Deathly Hallows. List of 8 Suggests the author really wanted a List of 7, but the director split 7 into Part 1 and Part 2 because Warner Bros. wanted to sell more tickets. E.g., Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 &
Part 2 List of 9 Reveals writer’s snobbery. List of 9 originally a List of 10 but writer removed the Oxford comma. E.g., “Her favorite philosophers include Plato, Locke, Mill, ... , Kant, Calvin and Hobbes.” List of 10 Indicates contents of list could be infinite, but only ten best are provided. E.g., God could have added, “Thou shalt not put your elbows on the table.” But no, he left that for mothers. He just wanted the Top 10. List of 11 Implies authorial genius, social affability, arresting handsomeness. Made of a brilliant mix of tasteful callbacks and tasteless but endearing fourth wall breaks. E.g., The above –S. Gupta WE DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO FINISH THIS PIECE Here at The Yale Record, we take pride in writing (adjective) pieces. Sometimes, however, we get so caught up in (verb ending in –ing) that we forget to finish writing the pieces that we started. It’s a shame, because this particular piece was going to be about how (adjective) we think (plural noun) are when they (verb) their hit 2000 song “Bye Bye Bye.” Unfortunately, due to our lingering grief concerning the (famous space shuttle disaster of 1986 that lead to the lives of its seven crew members being lost), we were unable to fill all of the pages of our (adjective that does not mean bad) magazine, and therefore we (adverb ending in –ly) had to put this piece in, despite the fact that (center mid on Yale Varsity Soccer team) disapproved of it so much that they said “I hate this article so much that I pushed my newborn son into a vat of (gross adjective) (viscous liquid).” Now we are dealing with the (feeling you would feel if you were responsible for the pushing of a newborn son into a vat of the viscous liquid mentioned above) that follows the tragedy of a newborn son being pushed into a vat of (viscous liquid mentioned above). But it’s okay, because (bleak reminder of mortality). Maybe next time we will finish this piece, but for now you can find us (verb that is loud that ends in –ing) at the (glorious celestial object). —R. Lackner
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—C. Rudeen
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BIG YDEA CAMPAIGN REWRITES SHAKESPEARE INTO YAMBIC PENTAMETER Dear graham cracker, I know you were invented to stop kids from masturbating, so I’ll bet you never saw this coming! Score one for man! —A man who loves graham crackers a little too much
BIG YDEA CAMPAIGN REMAKES CLASSIC WILL SMITH THRILLER YROBOT
Dear Pelvis Presley, As Elvis Presley impersonators go, you’re all right. Just one thing, though. The name isn’t great. Also you should maybe start wearing clothes when you go to parties; the kids are getting freaked out. —The cease-and-desist letter from Graceland
CAMPUS POTHEADS AND JEWS BOND AT MATISYAHU CONCERT OVER SHARED LOVE OF BURNING PLANTS Dear leash strapped onto a potato, Next! —Casting director looking for actor to fill the role of ‘pineapple on a leash’
YALE CLIMBING TEAM CAN CLIMB OVER ANYTHING, EXCEPT ALCOHOLISM Dear rigor mortis, More like rigor mor-of-this! —Guy who’s dead and loving it
CANADA ALTERS DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE TO INCLUDE THE UNION OF ALL WOMEN AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU Dear Titanic viewers, Yeah, that scene was sad, but what if all the people were dogs? —Guy who only has empathy for animals
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LESS POPULAR RENAISSANCE ARTISTS INCREASINGLY FADING INTO CHIAROBSCURITY Dear Elihu Yale, Yale College can only achieve its goals with the generous donations from members of our community. Our records indicate you donated to the college 32 books in 1713, and several thousand pounds in the years after. We’re counting on your support for the fiscal year 2017, and a donor envelope is enclosed for your convenience. Thank you for your generosity. —Association of Yale Alumni Dear Association of Yale Alumni, I’m sorry; I can’t. I live in England now. I’m also dead. —Elihu Yale
EVERYDAY PAC BECOMES WASHINGTON’S VIGILANTE HERO “SUPER PAC” AFTER BEING BITTEN BY RADIOACTIVE KOCH BROTHER, SAYS A TAPPED-OUT STAN LEE Dear student, a^2+b^2=pillage —Ghengis Khan Academy
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