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NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · VOL. CXLII, NO. 7 · yalerecord.com

INSIDE THE NEWS MORNING EVENING

RAINY WET

67 61

CROSS CAMPUS

OH, SHIT FRESHMAN IMPERILS SPACE, TIME

LIES

BASKETBALL

‘M’ FOR MUTE

Theoretical physicists troll humanity

BULLDOGS VERB NOUN

Gmail announcement answers everyone’s prayers

PAGE 7 SCITECH

PAGE 7 SCITECH

PAGE 14 SPORTS

PAGE 3 NEWS

Campus-wide blackout hits Yale

“History will absolve me!” Yale

College Council President Danny Avraham has allocated more than half of the YCC’s budget for the next year to the purchase of a 20-foot-tall golden throne. The massive expenditure—including enough plush mauve pillows to fill a swimming pool—has drawn criticism from several students, all of whom have mysteriously disappeared. The YCC defended the decision, saying in an email, “We didn’t exactly have a choice--he was the only one who proposed a budget.”

BY CHAD SMITH-JONES STAFF REPORTER

A not-so-naked run. In a

startling break from tradition, this year’s Freshman Olympics will allow all participants to wear clothing for the first time in the 204 years since the games started. University President Peter Salovey said in an email that the changes came after an overwhelming number of students called the tradition “frankly, a little weird.” No word yet on whether clothing will be allowed at Yale’s traditionally all-naked graduation ceremony any time in the near future.

Trouble in paradise? The

Minnesota Club announced yesterday that it will be fracturing into Eastern and Western subregions, sending shockwaves through the undergraduate community. The decision comes in the wake of an increasingly heated power struggle between rival factions from Minneapolis and St. Paul, as they vie for control of the club’s absurdly huge UOC grant. According to anonymous sources, Southern Albertan students are attempting to reconcile the two sides.

IsItRaisinCouscousSaladDay. com? Following the success of

of IsItChickenTendersDay.com, several sister sites have appeared over the last week, including IsItWinterVegetablesQuesadillaDay.com, IsItVaguelyIndianFoodDay.com, IsItCurriedChickenSaladAndGrapeWrapDay.com, and WhichDiningHallsAreStockedWithSpecialK.com. If only some computer genius could merge these sites into some sort of menu.

It’s all Greek to them. Over the

past few weeks, it has become increasingly clear that no one has heard from the Hellenic Studies Program in a while. YPD will soon begin searching the upper floors of Phelps Hall for any signs of human remains.

“Why is this happening?” Last

night at approximately 10:30 p.m., all the mounted heads in Berkeley started screaming for reasons unknown. “This is very confusing for all of us.” said Berkeley Master Marvin Chun.

“They’ve never done this before.

The vegans are making it a whole big deal, but everyone else is remarkably chill about it.” At press time, the heads had begun quietly singing “Mad World.”

HELEN LI-ZHU/STAFF ARTIST

Artists’ depiction of the dramatic situation.

Brunch in Morse bad on Sunday

BY EMILY WATSON-BECKER STAFF REPORTER Brunch served in the Morse dining hall on Sunday was kind of shitty, according to a number of sources within the Yale community.

Sunday’s menu, found at the Yale Dining website, consisted of cage-free scrambled eggs, Mediterranean flatbread, vegan quiche with spinach, and a corn and chickpea medley, in addition to the typical assortment of fresh fruit, bagels, and cereal.

Needless to say, these options left a number of hungry students more than a little disappointed.

M ike Hammerstein ’16 arrived at the dining hall at around 12:40 p.m. after a long night of drunken Mario Cart with the Club Wrestling team, of which he has little memory. Hammerstein said, “I tried some of the quiche and it tasted like butt. And then I went for a bagel, but all they had was cinnamon raisin. At that point I was just like, ‘fuck it.’”

Hammerstein spent the remainder of his meal using baby carrots to transfer large quantities of Nutella directly into his mouth.

Other students expressed similar discontent with the meal prepared by the Yale Dining staff. Emma Howard ’17 echoed the concerns regarding the spinach quiche and also stated that the cage-free scrambled eggs might have been a bit soggy. She, along with a few of her classmates, suggested that the chickens be put back in cages.

“This is the type of thing you might expect from the likes of Branford or TD, but Morse?” added Cam Epstein GRD ’17 in disbelief. “I mean, that flat-

bread really left something to be desired. And the veggie medley — utterly forgettable.”

Epstein recently became a graduate affiliate of Morse and said he often eats there on weekends with professor of Egyptology Dr. Harriet Wilkins, Epstein’s thesis advisor and only friend. According to Epstein, he normally quite enjoys eating in the Morse dining hall due its convenient dish return station and fine modernist décor.

“Most mornings, that walrus skeleton really gets me going,” Epstein added. “But today it’s just not the same, no matter how much Sriracha I squirt onto these eggs.”

While certainly a significant setback for the community as a whole, yesterday’s situation in Morse might be affecting some students more than others. Andrew Donahue ’17 arrived this fall as a freshman from New Canaan, Connecticut after being recruited for the sailing team. So far, Donahue has struggled adjusting to what he calls a “cultural divide” between Yale and his high school back in New Canaan, citing everything from Durfee Hall’s “grungy” shower situation to the student body’s unstudied sense of fashion.

“I walk out my door in the morning and I’m surrounded by these kids wearing only one collared shirt at a time. You just don’t see that in southwest Connecticut,” said Donahue, with a pained expression. “And when I stepped into the dining hall yesterday and went up to the buffet — I mean that didn’t look anything like quiche, at least not where I’m from. Sometimes I just don’t know where to turn.

“And don’t get me started on SEE OUTRAGE PAGE 4

THIS DAY IN YALE HISTORY

1814 Line for men’s room longer than for women’s room

Submit tips to Cross Campus

Global Grounds kicked off campus

Tiny little article

crosscampus@yaledailynews.com

BY THOMAS STANLEY-ISAAC STAFF REPORTER

ONLINE y MORE cc.yaledailynews.com

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little article. It always wanted to be in the newspaper, but everyone said it was too

tiny. One day, one of the bigger, meaner articles was a little bit too large, and there was only a tiny bit of space left over. The tiny little article went to live there SEE TEENY TINY PAGE 93

Global Grounds, a weekend coffee house hosted in Dwight Hall by the Chaplain’s Office, was officially barred from campus yesterday following the discovery of twelve violations of the Yale Undergraduate Regulations. At the top of the list of transgressions were accusations of hazing, providing alcohol to minors and lacing their free coffee with a number of amphetamines.

“This has been a long time coming,” said Dean Mary Miller in an email to the News.

“We have had multiple reports of brutal initiation practices, and several of their sessions had to be shut down due to what were, frankly, desecrations of the Dwight Hall space.”

Although Global Grounds has faced problems with the administration before, Dean Miller said that a few recent student reports put them over the line.

“All I wanted was a healthy alternative to the Yale hook-up scene on Friday nights,” SEE G GROUNDS PAGE 4

Three found dead NOWHERE NEAR WHERE YOU LIVE (THANK GOD)

BY FRED FRIEDMAN-FRIEDMANN STAFF REPORTER The bodies of three men were discovered this morning outside an abandoned home somewhere in the more “urban” part of New Haven.

While in hot pursuit of a suspect,

police officers were urgently called away from the scene when a student in Jonathan Edwards College got locked out of his room in nothing but a towel.

The student, who had reportedly been having “a bad day” prior to the incident, is currently doing well. The shooter remains at large.

Yale Corporation murders Paul Krugman, names new residential college

BY AMLA MEHTA-MUKERJEE STAFF REPORTER Nearly 40 years after his graduation from Yale, Nobel Prize-winning economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman ’74 was murdered Thursday morning by agents of the Yale Corporation. He was 60.

In related news, after years of anticipation and suspense, the name of Yale’s soon-tobe 13th residential college has been revealed: Krugman College, after the esteemed and recently deceased alumnus.

Krugman, whose scholarship focused on economic geography and international finance, died while sleeping peacefully at his home in Princeton, N.J. In an email to the Yale community, President Peter Salovey said that, after a brief struggle, Krugman was knocked out with a chloroform-soaked handkerchief and finished with a single bullet to the head.

“This morning, I woke up to bittersweet news,” Salovey’s email said. “Paul Krugman ‘74, a lion of his field, whose biweekly column in the New York Times I have read for the last 14 years, has died at the height of his powers. I can’t say his passing came as a surprise, as I recently hired Ivy Mercenary to kill him. His contributions as a public intellectual will be sorely missed, but he has fallen in the service of a greater good— the naming of Krugman College.”

Born in Albany, N.Y., Krugman grew up in Nassau County before attending Yale, where he graduated summa cum laude with a B.A. in Economics. He went on to earn his Ph.D. from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1977. After a brief stint working at the Central Bank of Portugal, Krugman returned to MIT as a faculty member; he also taught at Yale and Stanford. At the time of his death, he held professorships at Princeton and the London School of Eco-

KRUGMAN OBITUARY

nomics.

The killing has caused something of a stir in academic and policy circles. Though the New York Times has not yet issued an obituary, fellow Op-Ed columnist and Yale Senior Fellow David Brooks spoke with the News to discuss Krugman’s passing.

“We didn’t always agree,” said Brooks, “but I held the deepest respect for Paul, whose work was instrumental to my acceptance of Keynesian economics as a worthwhile paradigm in 1993, 1996, 2001, 2004, and 2009. For obvious reasons, I’m not a Keynesian at the moment, but I anticipate changing my mind again once I read through some of Paul’s old columns. And I’ll think of him every time I walk past Krugman College.”

Brooks confirmed that, while he and all other New York Times writers were told of SEE KOLLEGE PAGE 4

2 PAGE 2

YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 2014 · yalerecord.com YALETHE DAILY NEWS · FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21,10, 2012 · yaledailynews.com

OPINION

.COMMENT yaledailynews.com/opinion

Yale gives too much A more financial aid GUEST COLUMNIST GABRIEL LEVINE

intellectual Yale

Y W

ale’s a school with many problems, but a bitch ain’t e’veone. beenNeither seduced:isbyfia nancial aid.

6.8 percent acceptance Yes, allrate, whining and extracurobfuscaby the tion aside, financial simricular bazaar and byaid theiscareer ply no longer problem or fair.

Most of aall, we’ve — been rather, aby‘solution’ at StanYale. seduced Tony Blair—and TheMcChrystal. issues of We’ve the past have ley been conbeen solved, andwenow vinced, whether evereven thinkthe of poorest ofin the can ourselves thesepoor terms or easnot, ily afford totocome Yale.once The that we are, use ato phrase playing field even. Yet employed to is describe my some high insist on school, thedemanding “joyful elite;”that thatthe we world validate their insufferable are engaged, that we are passionself-importance. must ate and that we areWe on our wayarto rest these troublemakers where careers of real worth and standthey stand, stopping them from ing. disrupting the cordial the We’ve been seducedgame — and rest ofbeen us call the status quo. we’ve silenced.

I’m a white,afternoon, straight prodYesterday Jim uct of private schooling whose Sleeper, a lecturer in the Political family makes $450,000 a year, Science Department, spoke to a so you could say we’re middleseminar-sized group of students class. what My nannies to me about he terms read “the corpoas a child.ofI Yale. worked ratization ” damn hard to In getSleeper’s here —account, I must’ve thetaken Uniten prepinclasses — and when I versity, pursuing legitimate arrived, I realized thatengagecollege ends such as global was expensive.

My trust ment and fundraising, has fund been had taken hit in the recaught in aquite tideaoverwhelming cession.

So I’ve learn to all academia.

Yalehad hastobeen carmakeaway do, to go out to eat only ried from the values that five nights its a week, to curtailmismy undergird educational clothing habits.

I will of never resion, towards a model opaque ceive an ISA. authority that treats students as But I know one simple truth: customers. things cost Sleeper’s money. Sometimes While critique nice things costYale a lot of money. focuses on the administraThe best food is expensive, obtion, he contends that corporaviously. has When’s the last tization also crept intotime the you wentbody. to a four-star restaustudent Students ingratirantthemselves and didn’ttoleave feelingfigas ate authority though robbed?

But ures andyou’d take been care not to jeopthat’s just price you pay. ardize theirthe eventual senatoSimilarly, YaleBut provides a toprial prospects. the confusion tier education.

So you’d about the purpose of thebetter Unibe prepared to pay Too a top-tier versity runs deeper: often, price.

And forget if youthat can’t—well, we at Yale we came you just haven’t worked hard here because we are intellectual enough to be here. omnivores.

Yearsprioritize ago, therethe weren’t adWe extracurequate over fundsthe provided to the ricular curricular.

We leastoverwhelmed among us. But have are astimes freshmen changed.

Now,ofstudents only by the number organizations have to earn $3,000 to paygenfor in Payne Whitney — most a year of college, which be uinely interesting, most can’t of genmorevalue. than three hours of work uine Nothing wrong with at Yale’s that: Yale minimum really is onewage. of theAnd few that’s only if you’re theso poorest places on Earth where many of the poor. smart, motivated people are The problem with the whintogether in one place. ersYet is somewhere their immense sense of between being entitlement.

They deserveof more swept away by the energy our money.

Financial aid of should be peers and the feeling obligaexpanded cover morewith deservtion to do to great things our ing kids. lives, we develop unctuous habdoesand a lotaction. for us We already. its Yale of mind seek It’sdistinguish ungrateful and immature to to ourselves within for more.

Only if you aasknarrow conception of think proyou’re toosuccess, good to shelve fessional prizingbooks high and deep-fry potatoes courses, and file grades over challenging papers do you think mere sevdefault subjects of astudy over eral thousand is onerthose that mightdollars truly interest us ous.e-board Only if you think that and meetings over earnoffice ing less than, say, draw $200,000 hours.

These habits us awaya year the makes somehow imfrom veryyou reason Yale attracts mune from principles of us in the firstthe place: academic hard work and dedication could excellence. you think we that financial aid In short, come to feel that should be us expanded. what sets apart from the rest I know valuewho of didn’t hard of the worldthe — those

work. One summer, I worked as a clerk in my dad’s law office,in filing papers with the best get — isn’t our intellectual of them.but It was boring, and will my prowess what we surely friends were outaccomplish as having alumni.fun Intrinsic side, but I wanted some motivation is crowded outmoney, by the so I toughed it out —all, sixrememhours a extrinsic.

Who, after day, four a week, with only bers whatdays Tony Blair studied in an hour fordays? lunch. Even though his Oxford I was simultaneously volunHopefully, some among us teering will do great things in and forone the hour the a week world. But for many, price at isthe local of that opportunity too dear: kitchen, How many of us soup would say that, above all else, weIare persevered. seeking out I taught mythe kind of first-rate education self the value Yale can still offer? of hard work. I succeeded.

DAVE MORRISSEY- thatIt iswe true do not all come HUNT from the same An Apple backgrounds.

I know what a Dave it’s like to feel disadvantaged; I’ve seen several episodes ofadministration Hoarders, and abets once The Yale I got Itstuck the pride last boardthis. hiresinwith world ing group on one my flights leaders who bringof titles with to Monaco.

Butto the wonderenough sheen surpass the ful thing about Yale is thaton it blemishes of their blunders remains great equalizer. the world the stage, including such Rich, as poor, andWar. everything in gems the Iraq It gestures between — we all receive the towards educational princisame letter, live in ple byacceptance instituting distributional the same dorms, inabandons the same requirements andeat then Union League, drinkbythe same all pretense of rigor offering DomIssues Perignon, and to study for An Approach Biology and Planets and Stars.

Even Provost Peter Salovey’s signature class, Great Big Ideas, is based on the premise that intellectual exploration is something students can’t be bothered to do outside a class.

Perhaps worst of all, the Admissions Office fails to emphasize — the way, say, the University of Chicago or Swarthmore does — that one comes to Yale to learn.

It’s easy to treat education solely as a path to gainful employment, especially when that’s so hard to find. But Yale can the same tests.

Any facts beprovide haven from those practiyond these are irrelevant.

You cal pressures.

These are the only knowyears whatin can four our overcome lives when the we stress of poverty?

Hard work. can devote ourselves to thinking.

Thethe whiners wish toselects supplant As University its hard work with handouts.

They 23rd president, we students rejectdothe basic, all-American must everything in our power idea of pulling to ensure that thethemselves first priorityup of by their bootstraps. invoke those who lead ourThey institution thetored herrings its likeintellectual “systemic is rejuvenate prejudice,”Of“cycles poverty” climate. course,of President or “anover endowment larger than Levin, the last two decades, the been GDP invaluable of eighty in countries, ” has ensuring and, the in so doing,and confirm their that facilities faculty are laziness and ignorance.

They reof the highest caliber. But those fuse to will workhave for what want. efforts been they wasted on TheyCollege do not deserve ourno pity—or Yale if we take joy in our hard-earned money. the life of the mind.

Now, from the bottom of this University, we must reclaim our highest intellectual ideals and demand that DAVEatMORRISEY-HUNT those the top do the same. is a junior in Morse College. His column runs more oftenisthan we’d GABRIEL LEVINE a junior in like it to. Contact him at david.

Trumbull College. Contact him at morrisey-hunt@yale.edu. gabriel.levine@yale.edu .

WE FORGET THAT WE CAME TO YALE TO LEARN

I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL DISADVANTAGED; I’VE SEEN SEVERAL EPISODES OF HOARDERS.

“How pleasing to see blog that knows whereof speaking you are! Most “Doesn’t Matter; Had Burrito Cart.” ‘RIVER_TAM’ ON ‘CHIPOTLE TO COME TO repeatedly I will return to see future excellent postings!” MRS_RANDA_AHMED NEW HAVEN’SALOVEY’S EVIL NEOLIBERAL AGENDA?” ON “STERN:

I touchedviolence a homeless once Speech, andperson revolution E N

ver my first summer ewssince travels faster than inever. la Amazonia, I have People used to been wait acutely of the for the aware postman, thenecothe nomic injustice which evening news. Now, my plagues iPhone our world. between pushes me Somewhere the latest New York driftingheadline down before swollenI have junglea Times rivers, framed tangles chance to look atbythedark newspaper. of This vineswas often myI notthicker the casethan when wrist, up andtobartering woke the newswith that handChris some comerciantes, I found myStevens, the United States’ self that summer.

But as beautiambassador to Libya, had been ful as many of our my memories from killed within own consulate that time are, thewere image which while protesters massing will always mithroughaventura around ourrepresent embassies is that a homeless orphan out theofMuslim world — all boy, due clad in nothing than a poto some video I’dmore never heard of. tato sack,itreaching to of touch Maybe was the out shock the me asthat I strode of his news madeout it feel far,slum far for thethan last the time.

Although worse headlines weback see then ignore my Spanish and eachcomprehension day, detailing was limited solely to thein nursery unspeakable atrocities every rhymes my Dominican nanny part of the world. had taught me,days I could see in his But as the passed after eyes and feel inmurder his touch he that horrible in that Bengwas begging me didn’t not to leave. hazi, my shock dissipate.

That the night,discussion back with my parTrue, among ents in of ourthe hotel room, I could much more informed not help but dwellto onthe our day trip punditry turned politics to the slum. The guideFirst, had surrounding the tour event. told uswas thatMitt the boy in the saco de there Romney’s pitipatatas wastonot unusual—there ful attempt make political hay were of children just of thethousands incident. Then talk turned likethe himpolitics in that barrio How to in thealone. countries was it possible that some where the protests werepeople takcould have—sowas much, ing place theI wondered, attack the while others could spontaneous work beofhomeless violent orphans, forced to wear little poprotesters or was it planned by tato sacks and livethe in countries terrorists?

Were protests with strange-sounding names? organic or highly choreographed returned middle

by When people Iwith specifictoagendas? school that politicians fall, it was with new I’m sure haveatried passion. I knew, deep down, that I was going to change the world.

Of course, when you are forced to navigate the complex social ecosystem of a Montessori school, it is easy to get side-

tracked.

By to harness the time I anti-Ameriwasrage twelve can at aI had started video denia half-dozgrating the penr o p charih e t ties M u h with a m mmy ad parents and for their own JOHN raised goutpolitical gain.

HARRY a w a r e n eour ss I also trust CAMPBELLLARSON in nthe i levels n te l l i ge ce BON JOVI services Philippines that Nothing in to record there’s good highs, v i d e n but ce Particular Soup’s Up! ethe my attack philanin thropic passions had to compete Libya may with forNeither the Jonas have my beenpassions planned. of Brothers and for the pony I found these points, however, can belie whinnying under one the fact that therethe hastree clearly Christmas. been a humongous, spontaneI must admit, ous(Even and now, very popular surge ofI still cannot resist the occasional anti-American vitriol. guilty pleasure.being How in could even I remember England the summer most ardent after class eighthwarrior grade resist the temptation of a pair of and seeing protests calling PresGucci bootsthe which fit just right ident Bush world’s number or mouthwatering G-Heav one aterrorist.

Anyone who grew sandwich?

I believe even up in the age of Iraq that is used to mi an héroe Che Guevera would immense amount himself of antipathy be helpless before a steaming hot towards America.

Egg andwhat’s Cheese.)

But been most shockYale, the however, I days have ingHere to meatabout last few regained the old is not thesomething idea thatofthere are sense purpose I feltbyalla peopleofwho are sothat enraged those in the penthouse dumb years videoago that they want to of hotel, sitting seethat its Brazilian maker punished.

We up all late atabout nightthe in fatwa the Jacuzzi after know on Salman IRushdie found myself unable closer to sleep, and incidents to my head swirling with has thoughts home where violence been of injustice. havewords. found This nuprovoked

by Imere merous ways we to unleash the but fire is something can deplore within myself, all while forming priceless friendships: I have debated with the Party of the Left and helped move society Gforward U E S Tthrough C O L speeches U M N I SonT topics such as “Resolved: Abol-

ish Street” and “Resolved: stillWall comprehend.

Morality is fundamentally Not Relative.” I more have What is organized interpretive dance shocking isanthe collective blame show inspired by been Los Diarios de protesters have leveling Motocicleta, wasfor attended on Americanwhich society refusby half of my closest ingmore not than to consider that viofriends.

Perhaps most important lent reaction a legitimate act of of all, justice.

I have graced pages social By notthe infringof YDN my views on ingthe upon the with free expression of Yale’s culture, twerksome hook-up bigoted individuals, we ing, Sachs, and the cold are, Goldman by this narrative, infringing capitalist logic ofofthe upon the freedom the anytime Muslim meal plan. religion.

Unfortunately, I have so far been unable to find the time to work with any service groups such as the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action Project, but I know I must be wary of overcommitting myself (see my opinion pieces “The Agony of Overcommitment” and “Yalies Need More Sleep”).

Despite all these accomplishments, I have still struggled at times. is not easy to be both a The Itvery idea that America class and a member of could warrior have offended Islam by the privileged you allowing this class. video Note, to be ifaired roll your eyes at this is un-American.

Ourstatement, concepthen you have done is prove tions all of individual liberties and my point.of expression — rights freedom I keep silent about weIftreat as universal — aresocial very injustice, think of much the then resultpeople of a few early me as an decision out-of-touch oneAmericans’ to embrace percenter.

If I do talk about sospecific Enlightenment philosocial injustice, then people think phies. of The me as a shallow, self-serving economic rise of China hypocrite. expensive and India, IftheI wear pro-democracy clothing, people thinkthe of me as protests throughout Midostentatious andofmaterialistic, dle East, the fall the USSR — and relationship is poisoned any our number of events in most by jealousy. If I try to live simply, throw all my wealth aside, then I am wearing lower-class identity like it is a chic outfit, and I am beS IRA T Efake.

L U The S HcritiKIN ingHinsulting and cism will never let up, because

AMERICAN FREEDOM DOES NOT EXIST EVERYWHERE

anyone who is even slightly less Yale students’ lifetimes — have fortunate than I am willthat seethe an created the impression opportunity to distancetohimself world is converging some from his own privilegeand by ripping relatively wealthy relame apart. tively free state of being. No one top it all off, if I ever to hasTosecond thoughts any try more complain about this bind, people about traveling, doing business just laughinat me and remind me or living vastly different parts that myworld, parents own millions the world’s of the where of largest company.

At least people jet stillskilack basic political that potato sack orphanwe intake the and economic freedoms Amazon is free to complain. No for granted. oneI’ve could even found accusethe him of generally conhaving seen afreedom jet ski in life. cerns about of his speech Lucky bastard. at Yale-NUS College to be overI suppose what itI am saying as is stated, because seemed that work if thethere worldremains was onmuch an inertial to be done before our world can track towards American liberal be truly just. First, we must values. eliminate prejudice and now raisethat the Well, it’s pretty clear lower-class out ofstill their much of the world doespovnot erty—probably through Faceshare our conception of political book posts rights. and taxes on everyand human oneI still wealthier than my family, don’t think the way to respectively—and we must change that is bythen refusing to teach stop making engagethem withto the world or byjokes only about how we’re pretentious speaking with others for the and dance well. sakecan’t of preaching to When them. that But day everyourselves person inthat the let’s comes, not delude world—whether or old, Jefferson, Adamsyoung and Madison male or female, dark-skinned or have become universal over the light—will be free to don his or last 200 years.

In some parts of her designer swimsuit and the own world, their ideas are just jet ski out to sea without as revolutionary as they even were an in ounce 1776. of guilt.

Also, I’ll be able to stop crossingHARRY the street when see in miLARSON is aIjunior norities night. College.

I feel really bad Jonathanat Edwards Contact about him it. at harry.larson@yale.edu .

JOHN CAMPBELL-BON JOVI is a freshman in Morse College.

His columns run on Thursdays.

Contact him at john.campbellbonjovi@yale.edu.

Clothing has consequences

O

GUEST COLUMNIST BO HARRISON-HARRIS

n Wednesday night, I was in Battell Chapel with several other Yale students, sipping barley tea and watching the flickering candles as Omer Bajwa, Yale’s Muslim chaplain, led a discussion. He was wearing a kufi — a Muslim head-covering men often wear during prayers and which he usually wears when he represents Islam in an official capacity — and he has had a beard for years.

Bajwa said some Muslim students make assumptions because of his traditional dress, which is sometimes associated with more conservative, stern and fundamentalist orientations. As he explained where these students were coming from and what experiences they might have had with other Muslim men who had beards and wore kufis, I was struck by his sympathy. This was not a man who dismissed these students as prejudiced and intolerant.

While it saddened him that they might not take the opportunity to get to know him better, he recognized how his appearance might cue different assumptions for them.

We all judge people based on appearance, and often we feel bad about it. After all, isn’t judgment wrong? We’re told not to judge others, and we tell others not to judge us. Judging harshly, unfairly or quickly is

one of the more dangerous tendencies a person can possess.

But dispensing with judgment altogether is not the answer either. Dress is a powerful way for human beings to express themselves and their values. To deny that your appearance has significance or is embedded with cultural signifiers is naive. This blanket rejection of the right to judge and be judged not only strips others’ personal choices of meaning but also allows us to evade responsibility for our own choices.

for the message your appearance sends, whether or not you agree.

People are allowed to surprise or undercut communal assumptions, but it is ridiculous to pretend those assumptions don’t — or shouldn’t — exist.

Attention to appearance is not material or vain. The most common argument against school uniforms is that they restrict student expression. Shouldn’t we take that self-expression seriously, both for others and for ourselves? By suspending all judgment that may be derived from clothing, we are denying the power of appearance to express who we are. Dyed hair, briefcases, tattoos, piercings, heels, three-piece suits, jeans and sneakers all say something about us, as do very revealing or extremely modest clothing.

Outrageous or subdued, dress is the world’s first impression of who we are.

I find that members of religious communities, often dressed in overt symbolism, are most sensitive to the significance of clothing. Just as Omer Bajwa was conscious that his decision about his dress had wider associations, most religious clothing carries connotations of which the wearer must be conscious.

As part of a senior project in high school, I spent a few weeks at a very religious all-girls school in Brooklyn. On the sub-

way to and from the school every day I wore the school uniform of an ankle-length plaid skirt, black tights and a long-sleeve white button down shirt. Men kept their distance. Even my friends were less comfortable telling crude jokes; they were subtly influenced by my shield of modesty. Because my dress really didn’t reflect personal values, it was easier to compare how people reacted to me differently. But even if I notice it less, it is no different when I wear everyday clothing and signify to others that I am willing to hear vulgar language and hug male friends.

Dress is powerful, and it is wrong to be angry with those who find meaning in how others present themselves to the world.

Others have the right to make assumptions about us based on how we dress. The danger lies in refusing to allow for selfdetermination and not respecting an individual’s interpretation of her own dress once we get to know her. Our assumptions must be subject to change if we encounter new information. But judgment in of itself is not wrong, and it can play an important role in prompting self-reflection.

Accio, dignity IT IS IMPORTANT TO JUDGE PEOPLE

BY WHAT THEY ARE WEARING The associations people have between clothing and values can undeniably be seen in the way various social groups on campus are defined by stereotypical dress. Most students could at a glance roughly distinguish the hipsters from the jocks. This is not to say that most of us don’t have overlapping identities, but our typical dress tends to align us with certain social communities and their values.

You must take responsibility

SHIRA TELUSHKIN is a junior in Pierson College. Contact her at shira.telushkin@yale.edu .

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NEW HAVEN, HAVEN, CONNECTICUT CONNECTICUT COPYRIGHT COPYRIGHT 2012 2014——VOL. VOL.CXXXV, CXLII, NO. NO. 18 7

YOUR LETTERS H

Welcome, Chipotle

Dear Yale, New Haven, and all lovers of ardly an evening would joining the Quidditch team with Chipotle, go by without theYou’re feel- welcome. my future classmates on Blue Obviously, Chipotle’s opinion@yaledailynews.com ing of regret when dinnerto open Marble, considered decision the and company’s first enrolling locadidn’t magically appeartion oninmy in the had Brady-Johnson New Haven everything to Program do with WRITE US table. diningTOhall for the Study ofago the(“Yale Dark Arts. our column several months needs All letters for You submitted see, I thought Yale would ” Feb.Then I received I had Chipotle, 22). Really, we’llword also that go ahead publication must include the I was be Hogwarts.

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After floating ashore after hopethat the new Chipotle will serve as a comI was notified via email, amon Muggle enough nights Yale’s version meeting place for Yalieson and locals, fostechnology, but I figured maybe of the Black Lake both that Iare had betering an atmosphere in which commy dog scared away thefortable. owl thatAdditionally, come pretty thirsty, I walked with the new loca- to was to deliver my acceptance let- Silliman wasfrom heartened tion situated just a fewand blocks campus,to ter. I shared my excitement for willsee the doors magically unlockinat students hopefully have more interest

exploring what else downtown chased for public performance ISABELLA DASANI-AQUAFINA/LAST-MINUTE ILLUSTRATOR New Haven has to offer. rights or is in the public domain.

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Yale AntiBeyond theThe News, confordTwo College . anyways, seeing as they gave me sult Gravity Societynotices didn’tsent know the weekly outthe by a look when I asked them why The first Whitney thing about brooms, and Humanities Center, they didn’t just use wingardium which despitesponsors the surprising numberaof or co-sponsors Film at Yale leviosa — lugged my trunk into fantastic redheadsset onofcampus, notshown one of films, most myInroom, but something wasn’t in them was a35mm.

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Facebook).

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16 screenings are not “open with emails when from the someone at bo.harrisonings” except materialwho TheContact writer is ahim professor of film and claimed to been be my college harris@yale.edu. shown has cleared ormaster. purcomparative literature .

PAGE 3

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

NEWS

“Is this the Pundits?”

SOME GUY WHO CLEARLY DIDN’T READ PAGE 2 VERY CLOSELY

CORRECTIONS FRIDAY, APRIL 4

The president is still alive and well. We sincerely regret the error.

MONDAY, APRIL 7

A photo on page 7 was incorrectly run with the caption “President Salovey speaks to undergraduates.” In fact, it was an ink sketch of an elderly Chinese man drinking from a trough. Our bad.

Scaffolding on Payne Whitney being restored

Miller’s speech deemed relevant, comprehensible

BY JOHNATHAN EDWARDS-COLLEGE STAFF REPORTER For the fifth consecutive year, Mary Miller, Dean of Yale College, incorporated an oblique reference to a piece of ancient Mesoamerican art into her freshman address, confusing absolutely no one present. Students’ reactions to the address were universally positive and not baffled whatsoever.

Students leaving Woolsey Hall could be seen nodding sagely and excitedly discussing how transparent Dean Miller’s speech was. Of the 291 students polled, every single one said that they followed the address without any trouble despite no previous knowledge of the cultures of Central and South America.

“That literally could not have been more straightforward.” said Meredith Ronchi,’17, about the address. “I’ve never even heard of the Zapotec people, much less their artistic tradition, but I totally got what she saying.”

“I hope one day I can inspire a group of students so thoroughly with an obscure allusion to my field of expertise,” she added.

Typical comments described the speech as “eloquent,” “germane,” and “like insight was being injected into my brain.”

“That made sense,” said Julian Winfield, ’17, who was held at rapt attention for all 22 and a half minutes. “That made a lot of sense.”

Though the new freshmen had nothing but praise for the former master of Saybrook College, some members of the faculty were not quite as impressed.

“She makes it pretty easy on herself,” said Stephen Pitti, the master of Ezra Stiles

BEN HARPER-SCHIFF/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

When asked, Miller responded with,“Don’t take my picture!”

College. “I mean, as a topic that’s meant to resonate with such a diverse group of students, hand-crafted tapestries from the Pre-Columbian era are literally the first thing that comes to mind. I get that it’s effective, but, still, it’s a subject that’s just right in everyone’s wheelhouse. One of these years I’d like to see her maybe take us out of our comfort zone a bit. You know, broaden our horizons.”

President Peter Salovey, who also addressed the freshman class, felt similarly.

“Jesus Christ, this isn’t the opening day at William Taft Elementary!” he said. “It’s honestly humiliating. Hopefully next time she’ll think of something worthy of our intellectual appetites.”

Dean Miller, however, is familiar with such criticism. “I’m just writing what I know. A lot of my colleagues have said that I’m only using Mesoamerican art because it’s so central and intuitive, but if I were a scholar of something that wasn’t so pertinent to the average 18-year-old, I swear I’d talk about that instead. It’s just a wonderful coincidence that what I happen to study is so relevant to the everyday lives of incoming freshmen.”

When asked about her plans for next year’s address, Dean Miller confirmed that she will again be speaking about some long-forgotten piece of Mesoamerican art, and that she expects once more that students will rather easily wrap their heads around the analogy.

“We have a few Olmec figurines in the Yale Art Gallery, and one of them has this look that just screams ‘freshman.’ I’ll probably use that next year, though I haven’t thought about it too much. But, honestly what else would I talk about — some bullshit about the lifelong gift of a liberal arts education and the palpable thirst for learning that fills the halls at Yale? Please, I wouldn’t want to confuse them.”

Contact JONATHAN EDWARDS-COLLEGE at jonathan.edwards-college@yale.edu.

ADJECTIVES USED BY STUDENTS TO DESCRIBE MILLER’S SPEECH BETHELYN BRILLIG-SLITHY/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Officials say that the original scaffolding’s facade needed a facelift.

BY BUTCH MANN-CHILDS STAFF REPORTER After an anonymous $30 million gift to the university, the blue scaffolding on Payne Whitney Gym is now set to undergo an extensive restoration initiative.

Response to the announcement has so far been mixed. Several students in the Yale School of Architecture have raised concerns that planned alterations will sap the structure – whose design was famously inspired by Gothic scaffolding – of much of its sense of history. But Lord Norman Foster ARCH ‘62, whose firm previously designed the new School of Management, said the addition of glass panes to the scaffolding “will foster transparency and openness between the scaffolding and the New Haven community.”

Yale officials agree, and argue that the changes are necessary to bring the scaffolding into the twenty-first century. According to a press release from the University Office of Facilities, plans are afoot to fill the structure with thousands upon thousands of iPads, which administrators expect will “encourage interconnectedness to enhance the scaffolding’s place in a globalized world.”

“The blue scaffolding is a beloved fixture of our campus,” said New Haven contractor Hugh

Jass, “but in recent years it has become impossible to ignore the effects of weathering and old age on the once pristine structure.

Our goal is to restore it to its original glory and grandeur.”

Dean Mary Miller could not be reached for comment, but the News would like to imagine she hoped to add the blue scaffolding to the Peabody art collection.

When asked why they support the restoration project, 37 of the 94 students interviewed cited the fact that the work has little effect on their ability to take selfies next to gym equipment. However, even those in favor admitted concerns that the new scaffolding for the restorations will obscure views of the old one.

“Of course it’s great the Payne Whitney scaffolding is going to be returned to the splendor it deserves, but I’m a bit sad I’ll have to spend my senior year with it all covered up,” said varsity swimmer Seymour Shrinkage ’14. “In the three years I’ve been here, gazing up at the structure has become an important part of my life.”

Payne Whitney will continually release restoration status updates by email. Kindly check your spam folders.

Contact BUTCH MANN-CHILDS at butch.mann-childs@yale.edu.

Sex, reports Rumpus

BY KAREN ES-WHITLOW STAFF REPORTER “Sex,” Rumpus reported yesterday in a widely read post.

“There was sex. Sex sex.”

The post, a product of hours of research and multiple rounds of editing, has apparently struck something of a chord within the Yale community.

“There was sex. So wasted.

Threw up in the closet. Two girls,” said Daniel Sharpeman ’15 while staring blankly at his computer screen.

A piece of follow-up reporting

by Rumpus has since been posted, and further claims, “Abs. Sexy abs. Woads bathroom. Froco.”

Seven out of fourteen stu-

dents interviewed for this article derided the follow-up post as sensationalist and unverifiable, but Ben Aaronson-Jackson ’15, the Rumpus editor responsible for the piece, offered an impassioned defense when asked to comment.

“In the Silliman hammock,” he said. “Had sex with a wenzel. Sexy TA Miley Cyrus. She pooped.”

The News intended to pose further questions to AaronsonJackson, but felt compelled to end the interview once the Rumpus editor took off his pants.

Contact KAREN ES-WHITLOW at karen.es-whitlow@yale.edu.

62% “Eloquent”

38% “Germane”

Google changes ‘m’ reply to mute email chains

BY FRED JONES-HYPHEN STAFF REPORTER Google has announced that it has changed its policy regarding the muting of chain messages for Gmail users. Effective since January 1, 2014, replying “m” to everyone included in an email will stop the user from receiving further emails sent in the chain.

Google executives said they reached this ground-breaking decision after a long email discussion regarding the issue took up so much space in their inboxes that they had to resort to a face-to-face conversation to reach the final decision.

“My mailbox was flooded with hundreds of replies as soon as I woke up,” lamented Google executive Steve McIntyre. “By the time I had read all of the messages I missed, there would already be 30 new messages. I tried not sleeping so I could read them all in real-time, but my doctor made me stop after I hallucinated that my two-year-old was speaking in Gmail alert noises. Turns out you can’t just sign out of a toddler.”

McIntyre, who previously led the Google Plus marketing team, believes part of his team’s inability to keep up with the conversation was due to his group’s method of reaching a decision. “One Google employee came up with the idea to ask the people what they wanted,” he explained.

“He suggested that we include just a couple thousand random Gmail addresses in the discussion. Of course, that unleashed a torrent of ASCII penises. It quickly got out of hand.”

For many Google employees, the stress of the debate became too much to handle. “The messages just kept coming and coming and coming,” said employee Martina Lloyd, “kind of like your mother when she’s ‘feeling lucky.’” Stressed to the point

Gmail muting: Out with the old, and in with the new. of mental breakdown, Lloyd was committed to a mental asylum.

Following several such high-profile meltdowns, Google finally announced that it would be implementing a new, more intuitive way to allow users to opt out of email chains if they so desired. The California-based tech giant explained that if a user responds “m” to an e-mail chain, any messages sent afterwards would not be delivered to that user’s inbox.

“It took our best people literally hours to figure this one out,” said McIntyre. “But we finally got it, and we think it’s vastly preferable to having to click twice to mute a conversation.”

Email users around the world rejoiced at the truly life-altering innovation, especially those on college campuses. “I have literally been trying to find a way to do this for forever,” said Shelby Tingle, captain of the women’s volleyball team at Florida State University. “I have always been like, you know, getting so many messages and I just didn’t know what to do before. But now it’s like, I do know what to do.”

Florida State University students aren’t the only people excited about the news.

“Finally, all those annoying messages I get

LUKE PHEFFER-LANGSTON/STAFF ARTIST

from my grandchildren can just disappear, like Nixon,” said Cathy Cameron, a resident of the St. Alexander Home for the Elderly in Reno, Nevada. Now, said Cameron, she had time to get back to her true passions, such as opera, soap operas, soap, and porn, “like Nixon.”

Despite such widespread jubilation, Google is still reportedly working out some kinks in the new system. Employees realize that there may be occasions when replying ‘m’ may actually be an appropriate response to an email, having nothing to do with wanting to mute messages. “I asked each of my students what their favorite letter of the alphabet was, and some of them never responded,” said Molly O’Connor, a 3rd grade teacher from Versailles, Kentucky. “And those are the students that always respond to web-based communications in a timely manner!”

Yahoo mail adopted the “‘m’ for mute policy” seven years ago.

Contact FRED JONES-HYPHEN at fred.jones-hyphen@yale.edu.

PAGE 4

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

FROM THE FRONT Global Grounds on probation G GROUNDS FROM PAGE 1 said Ben Chadson ’17, who filed one such report. “But when I showed up for the first time, a guy approached me and informed me that I was henceforth known as ‘Pledge WNBA, because no one cares about you.’ I asked if I could just play checkers with my friend, and he told me that the ‘price’ for that was shotgunning a Natty Light.” The practices he described are grounds for major hazing charges not only at Yale, but at all non-Dartmouth Ivies.

Beyond hazing, organizers of Global Grounds have been charged with distributing illicit narcotics to the student body.

“We’ve arrested multiple dealers who tell us that their supply of ‘dank ice’ comes straight from what they call ‘G Grounds,’” said Yale Police Department Chief Ronnell Higgins. “In addition, students who drank their coffee reported effects ranging from the disappearance of ADHD symptoms to the desire to spontaneously make out with strangers.”

Compounding these serious charges is the fact that Global Grounds uses resources from Dwight Hall and the Chaplain’s Office, two organizations that aim to spread goodness throughout the community, in order to host what University Chaplain Sharon Kugler has referred to as “debauched bacchanals and hedonistic communions with sin.”

“The students in charge of the coffee house deserve the cleansing fires of hell for what they have done,” said Kugler.

“The things I have seen and heard about,” she whispered, slowly shaking her head in shock.

“Truly these are the excesses of a modern Babylon, a golgotha for the

human soul. It is not fit for print.”

Although Kugler was unwilling to go into more specific detail, several

[W]hen I showed up the first time, a guy approached me and informed me that I was henceforth known as ‘Pledge WNBA, because no one cares about you.’ I asked if I could just play checkers with my friend, and he told me that the ‘price’ for that was shotgunning a Natty Light.

BEN CHADSON ’17 Claimant in Global Grounds Report

students admitted with the condition of anonymity that they did “body shots” on the altar in Battell Chapel and purchased strippers for initiation night with Dwight Hall funds intended for New Haven Reads.

“The consequences for these actions will be swift and harsh,” said Dean Marichal Gentry. “They’ll probably have to write letters of apology. And I can assure you that I will be personally slapping the ringleaders on their respective wrists.”

Contact CHAD SMITH-JONES at chad.smith-jones@yale.edu.

Dear Yale, Notice us? Please?

Love always, Princeton

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“You know who needs more money? The second-richest university in America.”

CHARLES JOHNSON DREAMBOAT & RICH MAN EXTRAORDINAIRE

Krugman College named KOLLEGE FROM PAGE 1 Yale’s decision several days before the murder, none of Krugman’s colleagues “spilled the beans.”

“He would’ve been too shy to accept the honor had he known,” said Brooks.

“He put on this big voice of certainty whenever he wrote, but deep down, he was a humble guy. And I know humility when I see it.”

When reminded that at least half of Yale’s students would not understand his joke, Brooks confirmed that he teaches a seminar called “Humility.”

Though most students praised Yale’s decision to murder Krugman, pointing to his liberal background and distinguished economic career, some expressed dismay that the newest residential college would, like the rest, be named after a white male.

“Sure, I read Krugman’s column, but honestly, did Yale even look at its

own Wikipedia page?” asked Amelia Wright ’17. Reading from Yale’s Wikipedia page, Wright continued: “What about Pulitzer Prize winner Anne Applebaum? Or PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi? Or pioneering computer scientist Grace Hopper? I mean, Grace Hopper was already dead, so we wouldn’t have even had to spend the money to hire trained killers.”

Krugman’s murder marks Yale’s first use of assassins in over a decade, and has brought welcome attention to the struggling industry, said Ivy Mercenary co-founder and Grand Strategy alumnus Jordan Keller ’06.

“We loved Yale’s vision for this project, and they gave us free reign to add some nice touches of our own,” said Keller. “After we subdued the guy, we brought him back to bed to make sure he’d die comfortably. And

we waited until his wife was away, because families can be hard to reason with. We covered the bed with rose petals, and our staff photographer got a killer shot—sorry about the pun.

And leave this off the record, but that photo’s going on the front page of the Times tomorrow.

“My only regret,” Keller concluded, “is that we couldn’t get his last words.

I mean, we asked, but he just kept screaming, so we had to knock him out before he woke the neighbors.”

Krugman is survived by his wife, academic economist Robin Wells.

Asked to comment on the honor, Wells began sobbing into the phone, so we hung up.

Contact AMLA MEHTA-MUKERJEE at amla.mehta-mukerjee@yale.edu.

New low for Yale Dining OUTRAGE FROM PAGE 1 the toast,” Donahue added. “Was it Texas toast or French toast? Because it sure as hell can’t be both.”

Despite being made to feel to like an outsider by Morse’s shitty array of breakfast options, Donahue was able to find a comfortable and welcoming environment at Maison Mathis, the Belgian-style bakery across the street.

There, Donahue found a table all to himself and paid $8.25 for a blueberry scone, which he said was more than worth it given the bakery’s artisan feel and well-kempt clientele.

Days later, Morse students are still doing all they can to put what has been a trying morning for all well behind them.

Contact EMILY WATSON-BECKER at emily.watson-becker@yale.edu.

BENTON SANS-SERIF/CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHER

Sunday’s brunch had even higher levels of food waste than ‘07’s infamous Pad Thai Day record.

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AROUND THE T H E H A R VA R D C R I M S PAGE 5

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

Allston project move

AROUND THE IVIES

“Oh hey guys! You want some books?”

ELIHU YALE FOUNDER, YALE UNIVERSITY

T H E C O L U M B I A S P E C TAT O R

T H E H A R VA R D C R I M S O N

Six drown in Columbia swimming test

Harvard Self-Esteem Committee refuses to deflate grades

Harvard is planning to build a new science building in Boston’s Allston neighborhood.

MERCER COOK BYBYDANIEL MADISON-WISCONSIN STAFFSTAFF WRITER WRITER YALE DAILY NEWS · FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2012 · yaledailynews.com

“The road to success is always under construction.” LILY TOMLIN AMERICAN WRITER AND ACTRESS

T H E C O L U M B I A S P E C TAT O R

University trying hand at online education

THE COLUMBIA SPECTATOR

Uris Pool, the site of the incident, is expected to reopen next week.

BY POGOTAL SUSAN-BEN STAFF BYWRITER LILLIAN CHEN

STAFF WRITER One of Columbia’s most confusing traditions ended The At in 3 tragedy a.m. onThursday.

Wednesday, 75-yard Columbia swimmingopened test, mandatory registration for for any student pursuing a diploma, claimed its first two massive open online the livescourses. of six students, who onlookers say panicked some unknown reason Thefor university is offering the and sanktwo underwater lifeguards courses —before Financial Engicould save them.and Risk Management and neering A vigilNatural will be held tonight around Uris Language Processing — Pool forthrough Adrianna Dresnick ’14, Roger Coursera, an online eduGershwin ’14,platform Cassandra Johnson ’15, cation founded

by StanHenry Lu ’14, Samantha Mills ’17, and ford University professors Daphne Cory Tackett ’14.

Koller and Andrew Ng last year.

Priya Singh ’14 was waiting in line for It’s Columbia’s first major venture her owninto testthe when the education six unfortunates online market entered the in apool. decade.

“They all“We’re jumpeddoing in, and for a few seca pilot program onds, it in looked like things going the MOOC stage were — massive fine,” said Singh. makopen online“People course — were and the idea ing somethere forward progress, everyis to see … the and potential of one seemed theystage remembered how to” the like MOOC for education, float. But then, someone yelledwho ‘Shark!’ said Sree Sreenivasan, was and everything wentColumbia’s to hell.” first chief appointed “I wasdigital like ‘Huh? There’s a shark in the officer in July.

“What I’m pool?’” said Brandon Goldman ’15, a stutrying to do in my position is to dent lifeguard onwhat’s duty working, during the help see tryincinew dent. “So I hesitated before and jumping in, things and to expand enhance but it wouldn’t havealready mattered. a what we’ve doneUsually, and built drowning will”spend 20 or 30 secatvictim Columbia. onds keeping their head above but Sreenivasan said water, that several Columbia schools, including the School of Continuing Education, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Journalism and Teachers College, have had assorted online education offerings for years. But this is the first time Columbia is offering courses that are free and open to anyone in the world with Internet access.

Both courses will begin on Feb. 11, 2013, and run for 10 weeks.

According to descriptions on Coursera’s website, the workload for each course will be eight to 10 hours per week. Industrial engi-

everyone in there sank before neering and I could even finish looking operations around r e s e a the r c hpool for the p roshark. fe sso”rs When the SpecGarud Iyentator looked gar and Mar- at him strangely, Goldman tin Haugh will teachcontinCOLUMBIA vigorously ued.

F i n a“What? n c i a l It’s a shark!

Have you seen Engineering and Risk Managewhat things can do toproyou if they ment,those and computer science think a seal?” fessoryou’re Michael Collins will teach Ken Language Torrey, an associate profesNatural Processing. sor“The in theplan Physical is to Education give peo-department, expressed his disappointment in ple a broad introduction into the the drowned studentsengineering for forgetting what method of financial they hadmanagement learned in Columbia’s Beginner and risk and option Swimming pricing forcourse. portfolio optimiza“I’m notalso going to comment tion … and a healthy degree on the shark thing until there’ssaid been full invesof skepticism, ” Haugh ofahis tigation,” said Torrey.

“But that reaccourse. “Obviously, these models tion poor form. the kids were havewas come under a lotI’d ofsay criticism floundering, flounders can swim.” in the last fewbut years … so we hope recent history, theissues swimming test to In address some of these as has the safest of Columbia’s physwell.been ” icalThirty-three educationschools requirements.

— includ- Before Thursday, only five students ing the California Institutehad of died in the test’s history, compared to 11 students Technology, Duke University in the wilderness survival and Princeton University —test, cur- 16 students theorskydiving test, and 27 sturently in offer are planning to offer dents in the wrestling test, which classes on alligator Coursera.

The more the discontinued 1999 after thanUniversity one million people who in have enrolled in the site’s courses are expected to pay attention during video lectures interspersed with interactive exercises and complete homework assignments in between lectures.

Kyle Rego, SEAS, called Columbia’s new online courses a “fantastic opportunity,” noting that he is currently enrolled in the in-person version of Natural Language Processing.

“If I didn’t have the opportunity to go to Columbia … I would definitely take a course” online, he said. “I could easily see other people wanting to.”

students raised concerns over animal cruelty.

Some Columbia luminaries, including history professor Eric Foner, CC ’63, have called for a revision of the University’s physical education requirements.

“Five deaths was acceptable, but eleven is too many,” said Foner. “Yes, our policy saved lives during the Great Morningside Flood of 1968 and that time the pipes burst in Mudd. But in this day and age, surely there’s a way to keep our students from drowning that doesn’t require them to develop physical competence in water.”

In an email to the student body, University President Lee Bollinger criticized student and faculty opposition and said there would be no alteration of the swimming test.

“What is Columbia without swimming?” Bollinger wrote. “Those who would limit our dominion to academic scholarship dishonor the memory of their drowned predecessors.” Bollinger went on to characterize current undergraduates as “lazy, dense, and the least buoyant students in the history of our fine university.”

As of Thursday evening, a Change.org petition calling for all undergraduates to be issued a set of pool noodles has gathered over 500 signatures.

At the Yesterday, end of lastHarvard spring,Universithe new Charlesview housing siteoninthe Allston was ty’s Committee Mainteonly marked groundto level founnanceby ofsome Ego replied critics of dation and steel frame of an underthe the University’s rampant grade ground inflation garage. Now, a fewamonths later, — with resounding the sight“fuck is impossible you.” to miss, marked by a completed steel frame of three mid-rise The Committee came to its buildings and several townhouse decision aftersmaller a grueling eleven buildings. minutes of deliberation, most of The project, which to be which was spentwas overslated the roulette finishedwheel in theatfall of 2013,Grand has remained Monaco’s Casino. ahead ofAccording schedule according to Jeffrey J. to individuals close Beam, the manager for Comto project the Committee, theThe decision munity was Builders Inc., by theseveral organization influenced factors, supervising the construction. including the reputation of HarBeamvard added that consultants to the as an institution, the degree project are currently considering moving by which the grading policy influin the first tenants the new buildings in, ences the to openness of parents’ the spring of 2013. , and great-auntsgrandparents’ He attributed the project’s rapid progtwice-removeds’ checkbooks, ress overinthe summertotothe a “good, coordiaddition question of nated team. ” whether putting it all on red was “We really had good communication and a smart move. Leaving thea good plan of execution, ” Beam said.

Casino in a motorcade of BugatIn 2007, reachedunanimously a land-swap tis, Harvard the Committee agreement with Charlesview’s board of agreed that Crimson was indeed directors.

Thevery university received the a very, rich color.

In 2004, Princeton had implemented a policy of grade deflation, thus pressuring other Ivy League schools to follow suit.

Clearly referencing the example of “those dumbasses in New Jersey,” the Harvard committee explicitly rejected a deflated model of grading.

The Harvard decision complicates the sensitive issue of grading policy as other prestigious universities continue to review their own grading policies. “A typical Harvard student’s superiority derives from many sources: the brilliant whiteness of his skin, the astronomical tuition of his prep school, the gaudiness of his Highland Park mansion, and so on,” said Bradley Johnson, chair of Harvard’s English department and a member of the committee.

“To assign him anything less than a 3.92 GPA would be to insult the hard work and sacrifices of the great-great grandfather made to launch his lineage permanently into the creamiest layers of the American milk jug.”

Added former Harvard president Larry Summers, “We can’t

site of the current lower grades.

Charlesview How would residentialgradcomplex, a women five-acre plot that uate?” abuts D e sHarvard p i t e Busiin J ness o h n s oSchool, n ’s returnSumfor a parand cel it owned HARVARD mers’s con- near the Brighton fidence in Mills shopping center,decision, the site Harfor the new the committee’s Charlesview complex. vard’s continuance of its current Some ofdrawn the brick and windows policy has criticism from have been installed, which givesHarris the commuother institutions.

Mary nity a better sense of how the project will of Princeton’s Faculty Committee appear upon completion, said John Viola, on Grading attacked Harvard’s the Charlesview project supervisor at move as “a misplaced effort that John Moriarty and Associates, destroys the integrity of grades asthe conassociated with astruction measure firm of merit,” adding thatthe new Charlesview project.

Harvard would better serve its “You can getby a sense of how the buildstudent body lowering their ings will lookalong whenwith theygrades. are finished,” expectations Violachair said. of Brown University’s The Viola alsoon said that he believed that Committee Academic Evalresidents of the current Charlesview site uation, Nicolas Ramirez, took a would begin to be moved in on a staggered different approach.

“If you don’t schedule, as more more buildings will want grades to beand inflated, why lookget when they are finished, ” Viola said. not rid of grades?” he asked.

Viola alsoofsaid that he believed that Johnson, the Harvard comresidentssaid of the current Charlesview site mittee, that Ramirez was would beginhigh.”“What to be allowed to move in on “probably these individuals and institutions fail to understand is the importance of a self-assured student body,” said Harvard committee member Richard Yober, reached via his satellite phone as his G6 took off from a private airstrip near Nice. He said that comparing Harvard to other Ivies was unfair, adding that Harvard as an academic institution is “in its own category, like Tiffany’s dessert forks among… you know, other kinds of forks, or Bugattis among automobiles. I mean, I would rather die than see Harvard merely attain the status of a paltry Lexus.”

In its written decision, the committee highlighted Harvard’s prestige and innovation. As R.I.C. Hotchkiss summarized: “Harvard is not some old stick in the mud. We are constantly innovating, especially with regard to academic evaluation. Just four years ago, we introduced the A+ grade, and the GPAs of Harvard students have risen ever since. Now if that’s not a Veyron-level innovation, I don’t know what is!”

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SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

“Rawr. Rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr.”

MGM LION ON THE DISCOVERY THAT THEORETICAL PHYSICS IS A LIE

Research expedition uncovers new civilization HERE THERE BE...

PEOPLE? X

BY FABIO SEDLACEK-LEI CONTRIBUTING REPORTER At 2:32 PM on Monday, a freshman student in Sloane Physics Lab inadvertently ripped apart the space-time continuum that binds the universe together.

Five students enrolled in PHYS 166L: “General Physics Laboratory” named Franklin Harris ’17 as the source of the incident. The event occurred during an experiment on Ohm’s Law, in which students were tasked with using a 10V generator and a handful of paperclips to recharge a AA battery. According to witnesses, Harris turned the knob on his generator to its maximum setting before flipping the on/off switch –despite a sternly worded sticky note placed on the machine urging him not to do so. The sudden electrical current created by the generator induced a positive feedback loop of high energy superconductance that quickly unraveled the very essence of reality.

The event was particularly devastating for those in its immediate vicinity. Kaitlyn Wright ‘17 was Harris’s lab partner and had been updating her Snapchat Story at the time the generator was turned on. In that moment, Wright’s body experienced 40 bil-

YALE DAILY NEWS

MAP: The newly-discovered civilization sits within the previously unexplored region north of Satchem Street.

BY JOHN-ALEX BECKETT-BECKETT CONTRIBUTING REPORTER In what experts are hailing as the most important anthropological discovery in decades, an expedition funded by the Yale Council on Archaeological Studies has discovered a previously unknown civilization at the northern edge of Yale’s campus.

“This is unprecedented,” said anthropology department chair Daniel Byrd. “Our research team has made contact with an entirely new human society, hidden just blocks away from a major urban center.”

The research team, led by Professor Rachel Owen GRD ’85, departed from 77 Prospect Street in late September, seeking to explore the uncharted territory bordering the School of Management. Aided by GPS navigation, the team hiked north into the Hillhouse foothills, arriving in December at the base of a

Freshman in physics lab unravels the fabric of space and time

snow-capped mountain. It was there that they unearthed the first evidence of the new civilization.

“It was the most remarkable moment of my career as an archaeologist,” Owen said via satellite phone interview. (She and her colleagues remain in the field to gather more data about this new civilization.) “As we climbed the mountain, we saw a massive silhouette in the distance, through the snow. At first we thought it was a rock formation, but as we got closer, we realized that it was definitely a manmade structure.

It was immensely tall, much taller than any structure I had seen in this part of the world before.”

Owen said that she believes the structure is a fortified tower, possibly used as a defensive stronghold. Despite having originally thought the tower was an obelisk that served some religious purpose, her team soon dis-

The name for this structure, “Kline Biology Tower,” translates to “Place where you go all night to get a B+” in the native tongue.

covered that even mild winds rendered the western side completely unapproachable.

“This building was clearly designed for intimidation,” said Byrd. “It’s hard to imagine a less open or welcoming structure. It’s at a tactically advantageous position, located at the high point of the hill and defended by natural wind currents. It’s made from a hideous sort of brown metal. All signs point to a defensive headquarters of some kind.”

One of her graduate assistants, Alex Anders GRD ’15, disagreed. “To me it looked more like a massive phallus. I think it’s some sort of ritualistic mating structure, perhaps erected every reproductive cycle and long since abandoned.”

Yet Owen’s team’s discoveries only grew more remarkable. The structure, as it turned out, was inhabited.

“None of us expected to find another living soul on that mountain,” said Owen. “It

looked like it had been abandoned to the ice and snow long ago.”

The tower and the surrounding buildings are home to a thriving society. The secret to their survival in the face of these harsh conditions, Owen said, is an extensive network of tunnels they have built into the mountain itself.

Remarkably, according to Anders, despite their geographic isolation, they speak primarily in an English dialect similar to our own.

“Basic communication has been easy,” Owen said. “However, there is evidence of several specialized vocabularies localized in the various mountain structures. We observed one gathering on the eastern face of the mountain that was dedicated to the discussion of ‘dwarf galaxies.’ Another gathering farther west focused on ‘molecular pathways.’ Clearly, there is significant translation

work to be done.”

Though the mountain-dwellers appear to be harmless, there are aspects of their culture and language that trouble Owen and the rest of her team. “They may practice a variant of human sacrifice,” said another graduate researcher, Kyle Kim ’10 GRD ’16, an expert on primitive cannibalism. “They speak of some sort of ceremony that they call ‘orgo’ with great dread. Apparently many attempt to defeat the feared ‘orgo’ but only few survive unscathed.”

At press time, Owen and her colleagues were planning to venture, for the first time, vertically upward within the first tower-like structure they found.

lion years of subjective time and was reduced to a small pile of dust.

Those remaining in the classroom were then sucked through the gaping wormhole that had appeared over Harris’s lab bench and deposited somewhere in the Carina nebula, beyond the edge of the Solar System. There, Harris’s TF and 13 labmates were torn to pieces from the inside out by the dark vacuum of space—like what should have happened to Sandra Bullock in almost every scene of Gravity.

Beyond the immediate loss of life, many believe that the incident may also have brought about an inter-dimensional time paradox, permitting the coexistence of several alternate realities.

In unrelated news, thousands in Chicago celebrated today upon discovering that the Cubs have won every World Series since 1908. Similarly, much confusion was had in Washington, D.C. when Grover Cleveland appeared at the White House to assume his 36th consecutive term in office.

Earlier today, with the-universeas-we-know-it collapsing upon itself, Harris addressed the media for the very first time since the switch on his generator was flipped.

“I am the Beginning and I am the

End,” said Harris, whose exposure to superluminal monopoles has granted him omniscience. “I have seen armies rise and fall. And I have seen worlds crumble.”

He next responded to claims that he was copying Kyle’s Spanish homework at the beginning of lab and had thus missed many of his TF’s safety instructions.

“Men scramble like busy ants across this speck of dust they call a planet, pathetically blind to the inconsequence of their own existence,” Harris stated.

He then atomized the reporter who had posed the question.

Since then, many emissaries from distant stars and galaxies have begun to arrive in New Haven – paying homage to the freshman in Pierson College and IM Water Polo enthusiast. We caught up with one eager life form from the planet Pictoris687D as he teleported into the atrium of Sloane Physics Lab. “We have awaited this day for many eons,” he spoke, his antennae writhing with excitement. “All hail Harris, Lord King of the Multiverse!”

Contact FABIO SEDLACEK-LEI at fabio.sedlacek-lei@yale.edu.

INTERNATIONAL BREAKING NEWS:

Theoretical physicists have been lying to us this whole time

Contact JOHN-ALEX BECKETT-BECKETT at john-alex.beckett-beckett@yale.edu.

Maria Guerrero ’14 and Thomas Kane ’14: Making hook-ups history But it turns out he had herpes, and now it’s awkward whenever you go to rehearsal, because neither of you wants to be thinking about that night.

MG: So you pay us five hundred dollars—two-fifty for Yalies, actually—and you hop in our machine.

It can take you back to the fateful night, which gives you the chance to grab your past self and slap some sense into her.

BY CLAIRE AHN-YO CONTRIBUTING REPORTER Maria Guerrero ’14 and Thomas Kane ‘14 are Yale’s best-known student entrepreneurs. Originally from Phoenix, Ariz., and Atlanta, Ga., Guerrero and Kane made the front pages of popular startup blogs TechCrunch and VentureBeat after announcing that they’d raised $1.3 million for their timetravel startup, Hookdown™, which helps students stop their past selves from engaging in unfortunate one-night stands.

The News spoke to Guerrero and Kane in the Yale Entrepreneurial Institute, where they’ve set up their prototype machine and have tested the concept on over a dozen Yalies. (The service is also currently open to students at Harvard, Princeton, MIT, and Columbia.)

Q

We know that time travel is a tricky subject, but could you give us a basic rundown of your company’s technology?

A

MG: The science is extremely difficult to summarize, and according to our investors, if we told you, we’d have to kill you.

Maybe even travel back in time and kill you as a baby so this interview never happens.

Q

Um…

A

MG: Just kidding! Sorry— after you work on a time machine long enough, you start thinking stuff like that all the time.

TK: Yeah, all the time.

MG: Anyway, the physics is complicated, but the concept is drop-dead simple. We’ve done exactly what Harry Yu and Peter Xu did—or Mark Zuckerberg, for that matter. We’ve taken something that sucks about college and made it not suck. Harry and Peter did class selection, Zuck did social life—and now, we’re doing hookups.

TK: Let’s say you’re in an a capella group, and you just slept with one of the other members.

don’t mean that literally, QYou right?

A

TK: Actually, physical violence is often necessary. People are really confused when their future selves show up to confront them, because in their time, time travel doesn’t exist yet. Also, the past selves are often drunk, which complicates things.

MG: But that shouldn’t be a problem in a year or two—eventually we hope that if you see yourself walking down the street, you’ll instantly think, “Oh, it’s my future self coming to save me with Hookdown™! I’m so glad they found me before I had sex with this person!”

Q

But how does the… uh, future person escape from the past?

A

MG: That’s the best part!

Because of what’s known as “the grandfather paradox,” once you change the past, your life goes differently, and it’s like you never used the machine at all! The future person vanishes as soon as the past person decides not to hook up. We’ll send you an email

telling you what happened, of course, because you’re suddenly missing $250 when you get back to the date when you traveled, but wouldn’t you much rather get an email from us then get chlamydia from some douchebag who refused to get tested?

TK: Not that we’re referring to any specific case here. Well, we might be, but then again, in our timeline, that person did get tested, and nobody got chlamydia!

MG: Hooray!

Okay, my head’s QHooray! spinning, but I totally see

ship. It’s an incredible story.

MG: Yeah, we’re in talks to sell the movie rights now. It’ll be like The Social Network, but with time travel.

Q

Wait. That movie was about the founder of Facebook, right? So is it… you guys who went back together?

A

MG.: What? No! TK: No way! Never.

MG: Sorry about the confusion!

Bad comparison on my part. No, we’re just good friends.

where you’re going with this. It’s like Looper for sex. Or maybe Groundhog Day?

So how did you two QOkay! actually decide to start the

A

A

MG: Wow! You stumbled onto one of our planned expansions: the Groundhog Day subscription plan, where you go back as many times as you want to turn a bad hook-up into a great relationship. But we’ll need to build more machines before that happens, so we won’t be rolling it out for a few months.

hookup partners ever go QDo back in time together?

A

TK: Sometimes. It’s kind of awkward, but also a lot cheaper that way, and it’s easier when both past people have future versions of themselves around to explain what’s going on. In one case, the wacky experience of going back in time together actually led the people involved to start a new relation-

company?

TK: Well, uh… it was…

MG: Hmm. It’s all gone by so fast, it’s hard to figure out what gave us the idea. It’s on the tip of my tongue…

TK: I mean, I’m a mechanical engineering major, she’s computer science, we must’ve met each other in class or something.

MG: Yeah! It was definitely ENAS 243 or CS 344, something like that.

are some of your invesQWho tors? What was it like to pitch such a college-centric idea?

A

MG: Actually, the idea of “changing your bad hook-up decisions in the past” is surprisingly popular.

TK: Yeah. One of the guys from Google Ventures went back to stop himself from cheating on his

wife with a prostitute. Can’t name names, of course, but I will say that he’s still happily married!

MG: A lot of people think we’ll be limited to a college market forever. But after we’ve expanded to enough schools, we want to open up the company further. High schoolers dealing with teen pregnancy, twenty-somethings who got fired for hooking up with a coworker… it’s like Facebook. The idea has universal appeal.

TK: Sooner or later, people’s parents might even start using Hookdown™ to save themselves from falling into a loveless marriage!

Which would be annoying for their kids, except hey, those kids won’t exist anymore! Don’t exist anymore, present tense? Help me out here, Maria.

MG: Beats me. This time-travel stuff sure is complicated! We’re still very much in the middle of the learning process, but that’s what’s so fun about founding a startup— you learn something new every day. you thought of any other QHave applications for your device?

A

MG: Definitely! But we’re trying not to rush things.

TK: You know, one of the top reasons that startups fail is that they try to expand too fast, solve too many problems. We’re taking it slow. Our current market is more than large enough.

MG: That said, the future is certainly bright.

Contact CLAIRE AHN-YO at claire.ahn-yo@yale.edu.

VS

Intergalactic breaking news: Pluto declares Earth no longer a planet GLAPKNKORP, Pluto (AP) – On Friday, the High Council on Planetary Science declared that Earth, recognized for centuries as the third closest planet to the Sun, is no longer officially a planet.

Citing excessive ability to host life, a paltry single moon, and the “goddamn smugness of those Earthian pricks,” the High Council voted 17-1 in favor of withdrawing the diplomatic and planetary recognition of Earth. The vote came after a seven-week long conference held in Xububi Hall, with many of the planet’s most prominent planetologists and spaceologists in attendance, as well as several other scientists visiting from nearby planets.

“It is truly a historic day,” said High Council Chairman Abxjjourp Sylzox at a press conference immediately following the Council’s vote.

“This is not a decision we take lightly. We analyzed all of the appropriate data, checked our calculations, and decided that those smarmy, pretentious water-drinkers had been recognized for long enough.”

Sylzox has been the director of research at Iytwer8nvj Institute for nine years. Before that, he was head of the probe division of the Interplanetary Contact Department.

In 2006, Earth made headlines across Pluto’s 183 provinces when it declared Pluto no longer a planet. Despite formal protests from Pluto’s government and a Change.org petition signed by more than 50,000 residents of nearby planets, Earth then compounded this error in judgment by poking fun at other planets.

Oppopffff Yaq, a planetologist visiting from the University of Uranus, jubilantly issued the following statement: “Whose anus now, huh?”

I only hope this decision doesn’t mean our satellites won’t be able to CERN

Rolf-Dieter Heurer laughs at our collective stupidity.

GENEVA, Switzerland (AP) – At their annual conference in Geneva today, leading physicists from around the world revealed that all of their work for the last 25 years has been an extended practical joke, meant to make the general public feel like fools.

According to the physicists, many perplexing phenomena such as quantum entanglement, space-time continuity, and the existence of dark energy are actually total bullshit, contrived by the scientific community for some cheap laughs at our expense.

“We’ve just been making shit up as we went along,” said Rolf-Dieter Heurer, Director General of the CERN research center, at a press conference while his colleagues sat laughing behind him. “As theoreticians, we basically sit in offices all day, so our minds tend to wander.”

For years, the general public has swallowed the stories of these wellrespected scientists for fear of seeming backward and uneducated. However, it is now clear that their theories are in fact just as idiotic as they sound.

“I mean, you guys really believed that there was some tiny fuckin’ thing called a ‘quark’ that forms the basis of

all matter?” Heurer laughed. “We said they had flavors. What do you think quarks are, Dippin’ Dots? How stupid can you be?”

“Sfermions? Neurtalinos? C’mon,” added Heurer. “Those sound like fuckin’ Pokémon.”

Some public advocates cited the scientists’ many college degrees and complicated-sounding job descriptions as reasons for their blind acceptance. Others pointed to the high frequency of ‘70s-era glasses in the scientific community and the physicists’ apparent lack of sex lives.

“I wish all of you could see your faces right now,” Heurer said to the crowd of reporters present. “We got you so good.”

It seems that some laypersons had finally begun to question the scientists after the recent discovery of the Higgs boson, or God particle, that somehow existed everywhere and explained literally everything. “I kept searching online for a description of what it is, but there is no understandable definition,” said Nathan Jones, a lawyer from Lincoln, Nebraska. “So I just accepted its existence and watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians to remind myself

of my own idiocy.”

Heuser said he found the 2012 announcement of the Higgs boson’s existence to be particularly laughable.

“What’s that you say? The Higgs boson is some tiny particle that constantly surrounds us, pervading all matter and space? Well I can’t seem to find one,” he said, looking around the room. “Could you please point it out for me?”

At the end of the conference, the physicists announced that the time had finally come for them to move on to real jobs and give up the charade.

When asked what laws actually governed the natural world, they said little in response.

“How am I supposed to know?

Let’s just go with magic. I mean, you should’ve seen this coming. We actually put ghosts in your textbooks. Anyway, I’m out of here — I’ve got years of wasted time to make up for,” Heurer said over his shoulder as he walked away.

At press time, the leading explanation for the laws of physics was “whatever the guy in the lab coat just said.”

get The Bachelor anymore.

RTOOLG PAUXZ Plutonian Cavewife

Only one Council member voted against the proposal. Bcvnmlpqggh Eaeeiu, a spaceologist whose research focuses on Saturn’s rings and Jupiter’s big-ass spot, said that Earth had been recognized for so long that he feared the High Council was moving too fast.

“Plus, our names are really fucking hard to pronounce, so I think we have bigger issues,” Eaeeiu added.

Only five of 39 Plutonians interviewed for this story sympathized with Eaeeiu’s position. “I’m just thrilled with this decision,” said Rtoolg Pauxz, a cavewife. “I’m so fed up with those night-sleepers. Now they get theirs! I only hope this decision doesn’t mean our satellites won’t be able to get The Bachelor anymore.”

Sylzox, Yaq, and the other Council members declared in a joint statement that The Bachelor would still be available. “Chris Harrison is an honorary Plutonian,” said Sylzox, “He is an accomplished and honorable gentleman. It’s the rest of those sex-havers we can’t stand.”

After three hours of answering questions, Sylzox concluded, “Take that, motherfuckers,” ending the press conference with a middle tentacle waved toward the sky.

PAGE 8

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

THROUGH THE LENS

M

aybe you’ve seen her in section.

Maybe you’ve seen her in Bass.

Well, Staff Photographer ANDREW MARMOT-MARMOLINO has seen her while she’s sleeping. This week in Through the Lens, he documents his latest obsession.

YALE DAILY YALE DAILY NEWS NEWS · MONDAY, ·· MONDAY, NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 26,10, 2012 26, 2012 · yaledailynews.com · yaledailynews.com THE YALE RECORD THURSDAY, APRIL 2014 · yalerecord.com

PAGEPAGE PAGE 7 7 9

BULLETIN BULLETINBOARD BOARD

TODAY’S FORECAST TODAY’S FORECAST

TD’S FORECAST TOMORROW TOMORROW

Mostly Mostly sunny, sunny, with with with Mostly sunny, a highanear high 47. near West 47.

West a high near 62. wind 8wind to 138mph. to 13 mph.

Winds 3-5 mph.

TOMORROW’S TUESDAY TUESDAY FORECAST

High of High of 39, low 39, low 5, low of of-10.

29. of 29.

High of Highwith of a Cloudy 40, low 40, of lowwhite chance of 27.privilege of 27.

SCIENCE HILL BYBY SPENCER KATZ THAT THAT MONKEY MONKEY TUNE TUNE MICHAEL

BY MICHAEL KANDALAFT KANDALAFT

ONON CAMPUS CAMPUS THURSDAY, APRIL 26 10 26 MONDAY, MONDAY, NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 12:40 PM Master Running outVictoria of class while ripping your 5:30 PM 5:30 Master PM Class Class with with Victoria Clark screaming Tony ClarkAward-winning Tonyand Award-winning shirt with thealumna Yale Out-of-Control Group Joina the members of actressactress and off Yale and alumna Yale Victoria Victoria Clark will Clark teach will ateach musical musical theater theater America’s oldest performance artbe collective atthe 12:40 p.m.general sharp mastermaster class. Aclass. casual A casual dinner dinner will bewill served. served.

Open to Open general to the as theyStoeckel flipHall over(96 their desks, tear their shirts off, and caterwaul public.public.

Stoeckel Hall Wall (96St.), Wall Room St.), Room 106.

106. the national anthems of various African states whilst unicycling 8:00 PM 8:00Mindfulness PM Mindfulness Meditation Meditation GroupGroup SittingSitting meditation meditation out of class. Featuring an appearance by honorary alumnus followed followed by a discussion by a discussion and informal and informal lecturelecture on theon practice the practice of of HenryKissinger, who wrote this performance in 1959 and has mindfulness mindfulness meditation, meditation, or vipassana. or vipassana.

Meditation Meditation instruction instruction performed it, without fail, every Thursday since. Cross Campus. will bewill provided be provided for beginners. for beginners.

Attendees Attendees shouldshould bring their bringown their own 5:30 cushion PM Acushion Jackson Conversation with... so know meditation meditation or bench. orCareer bench.

Free admission Free admission and open andtoopen theyou Yale to the Yale how at the Fall communities.

Show there was a guy behind Hannibal Burress and New and Haven New Haven communities.

Dwight Dwight Hall (67 Hall High (67St.), High Chapel.

St.), Chapel. who made the sounds and then they made the Gucci Mane joke? That guy.

Yeah, that guy. Rosenkrantz Hall, Room 203.

TUESDAY, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 27 27 5:00 PM 5:00“Sappho, PM “Sappho, Lincoln Lincoln and the and Senate: the Senate: Picturing Picturing 19th-Century 19th-Century Female Female Desire” Desire” The speaker The speaker will be will Simon be Simon FRIDAY, APRIL 11 Goldhill Goldhill of Cambridge of Cambridge University.

University.

Part ofPart the Franke of the Franke Lectures Lectures in in 8:00 PM focusing Twerking Endangered Yale’s the Humanities the Humanities focusing onfor “Classicism on “Classicism andAnimals Modernity.” and Modernity.”

Freesecond-oldest Free twerking-based club willthe host its annual Whale-of-a-Dance-athon admission admission and open andtoopen the general to general public. public.

Whitney Whitney Humanities Humanities to raise money for orcas and their ilk. Last year’s event, Centerthis Center (53Friday, Wall (53St.), Wall Auditorium.

St.), Auditorium.

Gyrate-for-the-Hippos-Palooza, had nearly 600 attendants, and 5:30 PM 5:30“Our PM Divided “Our Political Heart and the and Election thewill Election of equally of well members of theDivided TEA clubPolitical hope thisHeart year’s soiree be 2012”attended.

2012” E.J. Dionne, E.J.Commons Dionne, columnist columnist for The for Washington The Washington Post and Post senior and senior Dining Hall. fellow fellow in governance in governance studiesstudies at the Brookings at the Brookings Institution Institution will give will give 5:30 PMLecture.

Dinner Obama the Sorensen the Sorensen Lecture.

A with reception ABarack reception willHussein follow will follow in the Sarah in theIllinois Sarah SmithState Smith Senator Barack Hussein Obama about his career after his Gallery.

Gallery.

Free admission Free admission and open and toopen thetalks general to the general public. public.

Marquand Marquand from local Light refreshments served Chapeldeparture Chapel (409 Prospect (409 Prospect St.).government.

St.).

(BYOB). Linsley-Chittenden Hall, Room B11.

STILL HERE BY SPENCER KATZ

SCIENCE SCIENCE HILLHILL

BY SPENCER

BY SPENCER KATZKATZ

WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 28 28 SATURDAY, APRIL 12

6:10 PM 6:10“Baseball PM “Baseball in the in Time the of Time Cholera” of Cholera” Film screening Film screening and and 5:30 PM Henry Melodious Recorders andJustice Peskyand discussion discussion with a with representative aKissinger: representative from the from Institute the Institute for Justice for and Reporters The MacMillan Center International hosts Democracy Democracy in Haiti. inFree Haiti. admission Free admission and for open and toopen the general to theStudies general public. public. former Henry Kissinger, who defend his Sponsored Sponsored bySecretary the by Orville theof Orville H.State Schell, H. Schell, Jr. Center Jr. Center for International forwill International illegal bombing of Cambodia, then(127 delight the audience with 128.

Human Human Rights.

Rights.

Sterling Sterling Law Buildings Law Buildings Wall (127 St.), Wall Room St.), Room 128. a selection of familiar tunes on the recorder, including “Hot Cross Buns” and “Good King Wenceslas.” After the performance, refreshments and International Court of Justice subpoenas will be served. Luce Hall, Room 101.

y y SUBMIT SUBMIT YOURYOUR EVENTS EVENTS ONLINE ONLINE yaledailynews.com/events/submit yaledailynews.com/events/submit

Interested in drawing cartoons for the Yale Daily News?

DOONESBURY DOONESBURY

BY GARRY

BY GARRY TRUDEAU TRUDEAU

WELL, GO FUCK YOURSELF. SPENCER KATZ HAS THAT SHIT ON LOCK.

To reach us: us: To reach Questions Questions or comments or comments aboutabout the fairness the fairness fairness or accuracy or accuracy accuracy of stories of stories stories the or of editor-in-chief@yalerecord.com editor@yaledailynews.com editor@yaledailynews.com should should be directed be directed directed to Editor to the Editor in trash in should be to Chiefcan Chief Tapley Stephenson Stephenson (203) atElm (203) onTapley the corner of at York & Advertisements Advertisements 432-2418.

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PAGE 10

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

NEWS

“What the fuck?”

PETER SALOVEY AT SOME POINT, PROBABLY.

Robin Thicke to perform at Spring Fling No controversy at all

BY NANCY GILL-HARRISON STAFF REPORTER In a move that has won nothing but widespread praise, the 2014 Spring Fling Committee announced on Thursday that Robin Thicke would be performing at Spring Fling. Thicke’s agent confirmed the selection in a statement expressing the artist’s “dutiful appreciation” that he would be appearing in the April 30 lineup.

Every student interviewed expressed sheer delight and unambiguous support for Thicke and cited his recent chart-topping hits, including “Take It Easy on Me,” “Give It 2 U,” and, of course, “Blurred Lines.”

“I’m just thrilled!” shouted Kelly Harper ’14, struggling to be heard over the jubilant party taking place at the Women’s Center.

“This is such a fantastic decision.

We’re all celebrating.”

“It’s rare that you get to hear such a tolerant and thoughtful artist,” said fellow Women’s Center member Tanya Xu ’15.

Feminists were not the only excited Yalies to celebrate Thicke’s selection. Tom Hassersen ’14, president of DKE, also attended the Women’s Center soiree with a number of his brothers. “What a perfect surprise!” said Hassersen of the choice of Thicke. “His lyrics are so gentlemanly; plus he’s Canadian, so, you know, diversity.”

The News had no problem at all reaching Yale administrators, all of whom happily endorsed the Spring Fling Committee’s decision. President Peter Salovey said he planned to join Thicke in a double bass duet.

Indeed, so widespread is the praise that the News could find only one Yalie who even mildly dissented from the Committee’s selection. “Thicke is frankly offensive,” said an irate Alec Haskins, president of the newly formed group Students Against Insensitivity Now (SAIN), of which he is currently the only member. “Not his lyrics of course; his name. His surname is a smear against thin, creamy Greek yogurt, preferred by many students, such as myself.

‘Thicke’ should be made an outdated slur—for our yogurt, we prefer the terms ‘more to love’ or ‘supersized.’ I would expect Robin to know that.”

SAIN remains the only student organization to even half-heartedly respond to Thicke’s selection. Among the first groups to praise the choice were Students for Batman’s Sidekick, the Audubon Society of Southern Connecticut, and the Seventeenth Century Northern Chinese and Southern Mongolian Literature Appreciation Association.

Seniors expressed joy at the selection. Kathie Patterschmidt ’14 said she was particularly excited that the performer for her final year would be such a “lifechanging” one.

“He’s really changed my life.

I hate blurred lines, too!” said Patterschmidt, an art major. She added that, inspired by Thicke’s example, she only draws with crisp, clean lines now.

Others enthusiastic about Thicke’s selection cited his influence on aspects of their lives. “Robin taught me that it’s romantic to whisper ‘I know you want it’ repeatedly in social situ-

ations,” said Edwin Nguyen ’17.

The announcement of Thicke came after a fierce debate both within and without the Spring Fling Committee over whether last year’s headliner, Macklemore, was “too edgy.”

“I mean, whoa man, Macklemore was pretty radical,”

His lyrics are so gentlemanly; plus he’s Canadian, so, you know, diversity.

TOM HASSERSEN ’14 President of DKE

recalled Committee member Alec Brown ’16. “Pompously mentioning your support for gay marriage while assuring your audience that you’re straight? We knew we couldn’t pick someone that far ahead of his time again.

We needed an uncontroversial choice.”

The Committee’s other finalists included such distinguished musicians as Chris Brown and Kanye West.

At press time, a rumor was circulating among eager students that acclaimed performer and noted gender theorist Miley Cyrus would be joining Thicke on stage at Spring Fling.

Contact NANCY GILL-HARRISON at nancy.gill-harrison@yale.edu.

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BY BETH MUSKRAT-PALAZZO STAFF REPORTER A male was delivered at the Yale Station Post Office yesterday, nearly two weeks after its due date.

According to witness reports, Evelyn Williams, 32, had gotten to the post office early that afternoon needing to buy stamps for some party invitations. However, while waiting in line at the front counter, Williams suddenly went into labor. When fellow customers noticed her screams of agony, a few asked Williams if she was all right.

However, witnesses said that Williams refused to acknowledge her own oncoming labor, apparently not wanting to lose her place in line. At that time Williams was the seventh person from being served and had already been waiting for almost forty minutes.

“I can’t say I blame her,” said Joy Dunn ’14, who was checking her P.O. box when paramedics arrived. “She had probably hustled for that spot. Post12:50 rush, you know.”

As Williams ignored pleas from others in line to go to the hospital — at one point even pulling the old “Whatta ya’ mean pregnant? You calling me fat?” routine — the customer behind her finally dialed 911. On a recording of that call released by dispatchers, the customer can be heard pleading for an ambulance to escort Williams to the hospital. Much of the recording is difficult to make out, however, over adamant protests from Williams heard in the background, including “You aren’t getting my spot, man!”

When interviewed by the News, the caller — who was still in line ninety minutes after the incident — said that

she was thinking only of the safety of Williams and her child.

“Plus,” she added, “I’ve really gotta get this package off today and I’m already late for a meeting and they don’t even have all the register things open. And yeah, I’m also concerned for this woman’s health. But, like couldn’t she have just gotten her stamps at Walgreens or something?”

Upon arrival, two paramedics from Yale-New Haven Hospital began urging Williams to lay down on a stretcher for transport to an ambulance. Williams, however, now fifth in line, continued with her stubborn refusals. Trying another route, one paramedic asked if anyone had considered just letting her to the front of the line. According to two bystanders, Williams’ fellow patrons did not respond but instead shuffled their feet and avoided eye contact.

Suddenly, Williams’ water broke, forcing the EMT to attempt to a delivery on site. One hour later and after three more people had been served at the front counter, Evelyn Williams was receiving congratulations for her new baby boy, along with many gentle pleas to move up in line already.

When asked to comment on why they gave no indication of even the most basic sense of empathy or spatial awareness as the situation unfolded, the clerks in employ at the post office instructed this reporter to “Please, move to the back of the line.” When pressed further, one clerk left his desk and retired to the back of the store, citing his union-mandated 4:13 p.m. lunch break.

Contact BETH MUSKRAT-PALAZZO at beth.muskrat-palazzo@yale.edu.

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PAGE 13

THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

SPORTS

“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’

—Wayne Gretzky.”

MICHAEL SCOTT SPORTS ENTHUSIAST

Elis remain undefeated SCHWASTED FROM PAGE 14 for a match since leaving play with the then-newly-single Karen LeBlanc ’15 (6.1 BPG) in the third period of the Jan. 18 win over Rolling Rock.

Conflicting reports have emerged regarding the cause of McKay’s absence. LeBlanc’s friends claimed the two were planning to spend another night in, but a source close to McKay suggested, “Maybe he sprained his vagina.”

Even with the lightened roster, the Elis came out of the gate strong, netting three cases in the first hour.

Things looked solid for the Elis until reports reached the bench that “Toad’s is really hot right now” and heavyweight Jeffrey Vaughn ’14 (18.3 BPG) announced his intention to close with a Q-Pac girl. The Bulldogs struggled through the last period and regulation time ended without a decision. The Bulldogs feared they would be going into overtime severely short-manned, but a 1 AM post-Toads wave of reinforcements stumbled into play just before the clock started.

From then on, OT was all Eli. “That round of substitutions

really gave us the extra wind we needed to kill those Nattys,” Davenport senior Art Cheng (11.8 BPG) explained during his post-match smoke on High Street. “We had some hiccups late in the night, but people turned up and rallied to another win.

The Nattys definitely didn’t bring their A game. They were cold and flat — it was easy to put them away. It’ll be a quiet ride to the recycling plant for those guys.”

With this win, Cheng, who joined the Bulldogs his freshman fall after three strong high school seasons, recorded his 200th career victory

with the Elis.

He had no comment when asked about talks concerning a potential move from Lager League to the ALE Conference, against whose members Yale has remained unbeaten, but by smaller margins.

The Bulldogs play next this Thursday at 9:00PM at home when they face perennial powerhouse Bud Platinums.

Contact MARSHALL SALOVEY-GENTRY at marshall.salovey-gentry@yale.edu.

PONG: LAST NIGHT’S WINS AND LOSSES PAIR

WINS

LOSSES

LOCATION

UNDEFEATED?

Braxton Thomas (BR ‘14) Rob Lansing (BR ‘14)

8

0

ADPhi

Yes

Peter Wharton (SY ‘14) James Milton (BK ‘16)

9

0

BD House

Yes

Graham Ford (JE ‘15) Abdul Amaht Bolkiah (CC 16’)

12

0

SAE

Yes

Kyle Costa (PC ‘15) Eddie Warner (PC ‘15)

11

0

DKE

Yes

Grant Robins (PC ‘15) Ryan Robins (PC ‘15)

Shut the fuck up, Kyle. We beat you.

DKE

Yes

Kyle Costa (PC ‘15) Eddie Warner (PC ‘15)

That was when I was playing with Rebecca, you boner. Girls don’t count.

DKE

Yes

Adam Zenner (BK ‘14) Nat Johnson (BK ‘14)

9

0

Sig Nu

Yes

Young Zheng (TD ‘14) Benny Xu (PC 15’)

7

2

Morse Buttery

No

Sorry

N/A

Our suite. Why, was there something else going on that night?

Yes

Young Zheng (TD ‘16) Benny Xu (PC 15’) Alvin Short (JE ‘17) Fernando Mosby (JE ‘17) Those two guys in Chicago Bulls snapbacks.

Emily Skoda (ES ‘15) Bella Lark (MC ‘16)

Oh, you said beer pong. Never mind.

Dude, we don’t even remember #soblackout

FUCKIN’ UNDEFEATED

34

Wait, do they even go here?

God Quad

Yes

2

WOOOOOOOOOOO

What?

OHMYGOD

Hanoverrated: Dartmouth’s famed sailors no match for Eli pirating YARR! FROM PAGE 14 Beckett expects to recover fully, but said that she was planning to be outfitted with “a really sweet peg leg” if the wound became infected.

Beckett was soon avenged when Silver engaged Cook. After several minutes of heated skirmish, Silver, who spent his freshman year with Yale’s fencing team before becoming a pirate, sent Cook’s cutlass spinning into the cod-infested waters below. Before he could amputate Cook’s hand, however, the Dartmouth captain escaped over the side of the ship.

Dartmouth’s remaining sailors soon followed their captain overboard, and while several made it to shore, the Handsomer Dan was able to haul Cook and three other opponents out of the water, unarmed and soaking wet. Finally, backup flaghandler Julian Savoy ’17 raised the Blue-andWhite up the enemy mainmast, bringing the match to an official end.

As helicopters descended to recover the wounded, Silver spoke to the News from the shore of Lake Mascoma.

“This victory means a lot to us,” said Silver, “but we still have to keep our eyes on the ocean ahead.

Next match, the wind may not be on our side, and MIT’s ship is like something out of Treasure Planet. We’ll be drilling hard all week to show our supporters we mean business. Not that that means we can’t celebrate tonight with a little grog.”

The pirating team’s next match, against the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, will be held next Thursday at the Yale Corinthian Yacht Club in Branford, Conn. The Yale sailing team will defend themselves against the pirates of Boston College in the Charles River Basin, Boston, Mass., next Saturday.

Meanwhile, Cook and his shipmates remain locked up in the brig of the Handsomer Dan, waiting for Dartmouth officials to meet the Yalies’ ransom offer.

Contact MARY KATE-ASHLEY at mary.kate-ashley@yale.edu.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Win/Loss records are printed as reported by competitors and are not independently verified by the YDN.

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Surviving the Plague of Toads

With Ramses II and Tyler Long PC ’17

Branford College April 10th, 4 pm

www.mamouns.com

IF YOU MISSED IT SCORES

NBA Who are we kidding?

MLB Of course you missed it.

MLS NHL WTF? You think you can & expect us to tell You think that’s just miss the game you who won? our responsibility?

SPORTS QUICK HITS

STEVEN JOHNSON ’17 MEN’S FENCING Steven Johnson ’17 delivered a flaccid performance in the men’s varsity fencing match against Dartmouth yesterday. Johnson failed to provide adequate power behind his thrusts. Both parties were left unsatisfied.

“I sure could go for a plate full of scrambled eggs with ketchup and four cups of Gatorade right about every single morning.”

JAMES SCHMIDT ’14 VARSITY FOOTBALL

“Dammit, I was like 99% sure the answer was Arrhenius.”

ELMO GUTIERREZ ’15 VARSITY QUIZ BOWL THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014 · yalerecord.com

YALE DRESSAGE: Horses do things, score points

BY JEBEDIAH GARBEL-BONGERS STAFF REPORTER The Yale varsity dressage team captured first place in the NCAA Division I Dressage Finals last Saturday, which is probably a really big deal and definitely has something to do with horses.

“That’s not a thing,” said President Peter Salovey when reached for comment. “Is it?”

The Bulldogs won the greatest number of points in the tournament, or maybe the least number of points if it’s like the way golf is or something. Over thirty horses and their respective riders competed in the final round, or maybe the final two rounds, it was really hard to tell.

The team defeated Princeton, because who the hell else. They played for probably awhile at the Yale Bowl or thereabouts. Horses definitely need some sort of field.

Sources claimed that Princeton fielded an impressive team, but they were no match for the welltrained Yale students, that is, if people actually take part. Maybe it’s just the horses.

“We won the national dressage championship?” asked Salovey. “Am I saying that right?

Dressawge?”

An anonymous source reported that those in attendance were pretty much exactly what you’d expect at a collegiate dressage championship, whatever that means. Lots of hats, maybe. Maybe

Republicans.

“I’m pretty sure it’s like horse dancing,” reported Alison Phillips, SY ’15, who accidentally attended the event after mistaking it for a different thing. “But can horses dance? It seemed like only a few of them had any real passion for the art of creative movement, but then again I’m neither a dancer nor a horse scientist.”

Sources reported that, whatever it was they were doing, the horses looked like they were having a lot of fun.

“Look, I know it seems like an outmoded remnant of a cruel and frivolous class-based society, but-” said Francis Filmore, TD ’16, whose further comments were drowned out by the bell which signals either the beginning or the end of a dressage match, there’s really no way to know.

Yale’s varsity team will likely be looking forward to reclaiming the title next year, unless this is an Olympics-type deal or something like that. Most of the horses will probably be back too. How long do horses live? Like eighty years?

“We’re really proud of this incredible team,” said head coach Mary Driscoll. “And it’s an exciting opportunity to bring dressage to a wider audience. I would explain more about this beautiful sport but I have this other thing I need to go do right now.”

None of the horses involved could be reached for comment.

DRESSAGE?

WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

The News googled dressage and this definitely showed up.

Elis crush Natty Lights

Bulldog Pirates capture four Dartmouth sailors

BY MARY KATE-ASHLEY STAFF REPORTER When the Yale co-ed pirating team set sail for Enfield, N.H., the crew of the Handsomer Dan was not sure what to expect.

In the team’s first season last year, the Bulldogs went 2–5, including a humiliating loss when Brown sailors put a cannonball through the original Handsome Dan. Two of their most experienced sailors were jailed, and will stand trial for aggravated assault this coming July. And alumni have questioned whether Yale’s athletic resources are being wasted on grog and 17th-century flintlock pistols.

Yesterday, the Bulldogs did everything in their power to silence the critics. The team’s first match this year, against Dartmouth’s third-ranked sailing squad, was seen by most pirating fans as a blowout in the making in favor of the Big Green. But despite the odds, captain “Long John” Jack Silver ’15 led his Elis to a stunning and convincing victory.

Many factors determine the outcome of a pirating match, but once the Yale team hit the water, everything seemed to go their way.

Sails aloft on a 12-knot northeastern gust, the Handsomer Dan quickly advanced on the Green Machine, while Dart-

mouth’s sailors struggled to establish covering fire in the choppy waves of Lake Mascoma. Before the New Hampshire team could bring its guns to bear, the Bulldogs advanced within longbow range and peppered the Dartmouth sails with flaming arrows, dividing the foes’ attention.

Adding insult to injury, Eli flag-handler Kate Beckett ’16 soon flew the Jolly Roger, doubling Yale’s score for two of the hardest-hitting minutes of the match. With only 20 seconds left to go in that crucial period, cannoneer Jessica Markowitz ’15 splintered the Dartmouth mizzenmast, putting the Big Green on the ropes.

When Yale closed to 15 yards, the grappling hooks came out, and the Bulldogs clambered over the ropes to meet their weakened foes in hand-to-hand combat. Dartmouth, with more experience at swordplay, nearly took the upper hand when the cutlass of Big Green senior captain Gerald Cook left a gaping wound in Beckett’s hamstring.

In an email sent from YaleNew Haven Hospital, Beckett cast the injury as a learning experience. “It was stupid of me to rush in like that against someone a foot taller,” Beckett wrote, “but I know now not to let the heat of battle get to me.”

SEE YARR! PAGE 13

TIMMY AGE-SIX/CONTRIB UTING PHOTOGRAPHER

Matt “likes-Bud-Light-Lime” Hayes has averaged an impressive 13.3 BPG over the past season.

BY MARSHALL SALOVEY-GENTRY STAFF REPORTER Last night, the Bulldogs extended their undefeated season once more with a big win in an overtime thriller against the visiting Natty Lights, against whom the Elis (53-0, 8-0 ALE) count sixteen of this season’s victories.

Despite having yet to record a loss, the Elis were anything but cocky going into their match with several key players on Injured Reserve. Junior standout Matt Hayes ‘15, who has been averaging 13.3 BPG in his second season as a starter missed his third

straight week after contracting a sinus infection that required treatment with a full course of antibiotics. Elizabeth Brady ’16, (4.6 BPG) was initially not expected to come out after complaining of a sharp headache and forgetting whether it’s Tylenol or Advil that it’s “okay to drink with,” but returned late in the second period after remembering “it’s totally Tylenol.”

Also absent from the match was Jeremy McKay ’15 (12.1 BPG), who tallied a half-case in six of Yale’s last seven wins over Natty Light but has yet to be present for SEE SCHWASTED PAGE 13

STAT OF THE DAY 7.2

MARSHALL TELLER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

The Y.s. Handsomer Dan unleashes a broadside against the D.s. Green Machine’s bow.

AVERAGE NUMBER OF TIMES A YALIE WILL READ THE YALE DAILY NEWS SPORTS PAGE BEFORE GRADUATING. Surprisingly, it’s not even the least popular page.