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NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · VOL. CXLII, NO. 7 · yalerecord.org
INSIDE THE NEWS MORNING PRETTY GOOD MEH EVENING
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CROSS CAMPUS Chalk it up. An internal
advisory committee discovered that the entire Math Department faculty owns but one light blue button-down and a single pair of chalk-stained khakis. This same outfit, the report stated, has clothed all 50 members of the faculty during every class they have taught this year. Classics 50. The Classics
Department has begun advertising an innovative new introductory course in the major. Come this fall, enrolled students can expect to eat pizza, listen to Skrillex, and be asked the read the entire Western canon in the week immediately following the drop deadline.
IT’S ABOUT TIME Yale combats fuckboy infestation
STARTIN’ ON UP
99 PROBLEMS
TIE FIVE!
Yale student has start-up
Numbers feel pain, professor reports
Guy in section wears bow tie
PAGE 6 SCI-TECH
PAGE 7 SCI-TECH
PAGE 7 SCI-TECH
PAGE 3 UNIVERSITY
Salovey loses $25.6B endowment to email scam BY BENJAMIN RUDEEN STAFF REPORTER In an email sent yesterday to all members of the Yale community, University President Peter Salovey apologized for losing the entire University endowment in an email scam. “It’s all gone, all $25.6 billion,” wrote Salovey in his email. “This is my bad.” Before losing the money in the
scam, the Yale Investments Office had reported an investment gain of 11.5 percent, and the endowment has been steadily increasing over the past 20 years. Salovey, however, believed he could get an even larger return by loaning some money to a Nigerian prince. “He said he could double my money after he got access to his funds. I mean, that’s a no-brainer investment in my opinion, but I’m a psychologist, not
an investor,” wrote Salovey, the Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology. “I got duped. My studies say that happens a lot.” Reactions to the loss of the endowment have been decidedly negative. “Man, I was going to buy a boat,” said Chief Investment Officer David Swensen in a statement released today. “I was going to name it the ‘Swenson Rules’ and sail it to Panama. Now I just have to make do with my own $2 mil-
lion salary.” Marta Salovey, president of Urban Policy Strategies and wife of Peter Salovey, was disappointed in her husband’s antics. “He’s always doing stuff like this,” she said. “He once bet my wedding ring in a game of poker. And he had two pair. Two pair! Just nonsense.” Salovey has promised to recover the SEE EMAIL SCAM PAGE 4
New Haven Green to be converted to Six Flags
Kiko Mila-YES! The University
announced plans Tuesday to “update Yale’s cultural centers for the 21st century” by turning them into Kiko Milanos. “Students are always complaining about the lack of cultural programming,” explained Director of University Properties Lauren Zucker. “And who has more culture than the Italians?” One small misstep. A notepad
appearing to contain what Neil Armstrong had planned to say after his first steps on the moon was found by family members on Thursday. As historians have long suspected, Armstrong intended to say, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for an ant or beetle, and one average stride for a young boy or girl.” Dolphinitely. Guilford Police
Animal Shelter had to humanely euthanize a stranded dolphin yesterday afternoon. After a passerby saw a whitesided dolphin stranded off of Chaffinch Island Park, the Mystic Aquarium’s Emergency Response Team arrived at the scene and attempted to save the dolphin but was unsuccessful. CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF ILLUSTRATOR
Death. Clark Professor of
Philosophy Shelly Kagan murdered a stranger yesterday. However, so far police have declined to press charges. Said New Haven Chief of Police Dean Esserman, “Shelly made a lot of very interesting moves in my conversation with him, and I was ultimately convinced that many of my intuitions regarding murder were self-defeating.”
Artist’s rendering of the New Haven Green in 2018. BY LIZZY KINGSLEY STAFF REPORTER In a joint statement released on Tuesday, University President Peter Salovey, Mayor Toni Harp, and James Reid-Anderson, CEO of Six Flags Entertainment Corp., announced a three-year plan to convert the New Haven Green into a Six Flags amuse-
ment park. “We understand the need to get Yale students more involved in the city,” Salovey said. “After studying the issue for several months, we realized that the best way to do this would be to make the city an amusement park.” Mayor Harp, speaking at a press conference outside City Hall, threw her full support behind the project,
calling College Street the “Berlin Wall of New Haven.” “The first step is just to get students to cross the street,” she said. “After that, maybe we can start to worry about getting them to use crosswalks.” In an effort to bolster student involvement, Six Flags Entertainment Corp. has already begun soliciting student designs for the park.
“We’re also accepting design submissions from city residents,” noted Reid-Anderson. “Unfortunately all of the public submissions have been showing up blank, with no roller coasters at all added to the Green. There must be a technological glitch. So as of now, it’s just Yale.” SEE SIX FLAGS PAGE 4
What’s black, white, and cancerous all over? Based
on a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, even brief contact with a newspaper is causally linked to higher rates of cancer, to the extent that a newspaper can be classified a “super-carcinogen.” If a reader were to even skim through most of the entries above this one, they would be almost certain to contract all of the worst forms of cancer in the very near future, leading this reporter to regret putting this as the last Cross Campus blurb. THIS DAY IN YALE HISTORY
We released a YDN.
Submit tips to Cross Campus
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Salovey praying Schwarzman isn’t racist BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER Sources close to University President Peter Salovey reported Friday that he is becoming increasingly concerned that Steven Schwarzman ’69, the most generous donor in Yale University history, might be a virulent racist. Schwarzman, who famously founded the Blackstone Group and possesses a net worth of $12.9 billion, garnered national attention last year when he donated $150 million to construct a student center at the heart of campus. The Schwarzman Center, as it will be known, is expected to open in 2020, and will feature an underground pub, an outdoor café, and several other spaces for students to socialize
and put on performances. The University administration has said that it expects the Schwarzman Center to become “the central hub of student life,” and has plastered campus with posters asking passersby to “Imagine the Schwarzman Center.” However, recent conversations with Steven Schwarzman have led Salovey to become increasingly confident that the man behind the center possesses remarkably hateful views. “The first red flag was probably when Schwarzman made these offhand comments about ‘Next Yale hoodlums,’” said an anonymous source inside Woodbridge Hall who was present for the conversations. “That was a little questionable. Then SEE SCHWARZMAN PAGE 4
Lone Eidelson canvasser still harassing students BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER A single supporter of Sarah Eidelson’s ’12 campaign for alder is reportedly still canvassing at the edge of Ward 1, despite Eidelson’s victory several months ago. The unknown supporter, who witnesses have described as “gaunt” and “haunted,” was most recently seen knocking on doors and peering into windows in Pierson College. “They asked me if I knew where to vote,” said Lam Nguyen
’17, who was accosted by the canvasser when returning to his suite late at night. “When I told them that I already had, they just stared at me hard for a moment like they didn’t understand and then scampered off into the bushes.” Another resident of Pierson College, Sierra Abdi ’16, reported waking up one night to the sound of scratching at her window. When she peered outside the canvasser let out a shriek and began pounding on SEE EIDELSON PAGE 4
2 PAGE 2
OPINION GUEST COLUMNIST GABRIEL LEVINE
ANEWS’ more VIEWYale intellectual That thing you W believe, we believe it too e’ve been seduced: by a 6.8 percent acceptance rate, by the extracurricular bazaar and by the career fair. Most of all, we’ve been seduced by Tony Blair and Stanley McChrystal. We’ve been convinced, whether we ever think of ourselves in these terms or not, that we are, to use a phrase once employed to describe my high school, the “joyful elite;” that we are engaged, that we are passionhere anon injustice ate and that weisare our way to this campus, an careers ofon real worth and standinjustice that must be ing. stopped. We seduced at the News are We’ve been — and firmly we’ve beenopposed silenced.to this injustice, nowafternoon, that we believe Yesterday Jim that the majority of campus Sleeper, a lecturer in the Political is alsoDepartment, opposed to it. Science spoke to a For too long, people on seminar-sized group of students campus stayed on about what have he terms “thesilent corpothis issue. But” now that the ratization of Yale. fairly homogeneous, leftIn Sleeper’s account, the Unileaning of Yale versity, in student pursuingbody legitimate has such come as to aglobal consensus on ends engagetheand issue, we are taking the ment fundraising, has been braveinstep of speaking out caught a tide overwhelming it. We hope all about academia. Yale hasthat beenothers carwill begin to speak up too. ried away from the values that We also its hope that this editoundergird educational misrialtowards absolves us of blame for sion, a model of opaque not publishing any coverage authority that treats students as earlier, and allows us to avoid customers. talking about controversial While Sleeper’s critique things a few focuses onlike thethis Yalefor administraweeks or so. that corporation, he contends Thehas evidence of this tization also crept intoinjusthe tice isbody. overwhelming. There student Students ingratinumerous of figthis ateare themselves tostudies authority phenomenon, had ures and take carewhich not towejeopno reason know about just ardize their to eventual senatofew weeksBut ago. There are rialaprospects. the confusion alsothe tonspurpose of anecdotes about of thefrom Uniour students that we versity runs deeper: Toowere often, happy notthat knowing wevery at Yale forget we came about untilwe everyone started here because are intellectual talking about this. All this omnivores. evidence, as well our imWe prioritize theasextracurpression campus zeitgeist, ricular over of the curricular. We pushed us to arehave overwhelmed as express freshmen we had of mostly believed by what the number organizations but never—thought in before Payne Whitney most genimportant enough to of devote uinely interesting, most genanvalue. articleNothing to. uine wrong with our of courathat: We Yaleapplaud really is one the few geous places onfellow Earth students where so who many have been speaking up about smart, motivated people are their experiences, together in one place. and writing somewhere for variousbetween other campus Yet being publications that do not swept away by the energy of our waitand until are of sure they peers thethey feeling obligacan angry responses tion to avoid do great things with our from lives, wearound developcampus. unctuousOfhabis its course, of mindour andappreciation action. We seek by ourwithin relief to complemented distinguish ourselves that these students’ of names a narrow conception proand words, rather than ours, fessional success, prizing high are the plastered on the grades overones challenging courses, pagessubjects of Business Insider, default of study over Thethat Huffington Post, and us those might truly interest News.meetings Of course, are andFox e-board overwe office happy to provide an outlet hours. These habits draw us away forthe these in attracts our from verystudents reason Yale pages, where they us opinion in the first place: academic can be insulted by anonyexcellence. mous “critics” in to thefeel online In short, we come that what sets us apart from the rest of the world — those who didn’t
T
get in — isn’t our intellectual prowess but what we surely will accomplish as alumni. Intrinsic motivation is crowded out by the extrinsic. Who, after all, remembers what Tony Blair studied in his Oxford days? Hopefully, some among us will do great things in and for the world. But for many, the price of that opportunity is too dear: How many of us would say that, above all else, we are seeking out comments. the kind of first-rate education YaleWe canare stillpleased offer? with the actions announced by YCC President Joe English ’17 at a meeting this week. “Our mostly powerless and glacially paced apparatus will do everything it can to fix this issue, now that it seems that basically everyone, with the exception of a handful of trolls on Overheard at Yale, is behind The Yale administration abets this,” saidpride in hisworld this. It English hires with statement. leaders who bring titles with enough sheen to surpass the blemishes of their blunders on the world stage, including such gems as the Iraq War. It gestures towards educational principle by instituting distributional requirements and then abandons all pretense of rigor by offering An Issues Approach to Biology and Planets and Stars. Even Provost Peter Salovey’s signature class, Great Big Ideas, is based on the premise that intellectual exploration is something students can’t be bothered to do outside a class. Perhaps worst of all, the Admissions Office fails to emphasize — the way, say, the University of Chicago or Swarthmore does — that one comes to Yale to learn. It’s easy to treat education solely as a path to gainful employment, especially when that’s so hard to find. But Yale can We call onfrom Dean Holloway, provide haven those practiPeter Salovey, andare whatever cal pressures. These the only other authority figures might four years in our lives when we be devote appropriate to call on in can ourselves to thinking. this to redress thisits As situation the University selects issuepresident, with utmost 23rd wecelerity. students We implore them in toour agree to must do everything power less that ambitious tothe ensure the firstdemands priority of among those by the those who leadput ourforth institution working correct isstudents to rejuvenate its to intellectual this issue. those demands climate. Of Ifcourse, President should change, would be Levin, over the lastwe two decades, in support of thoseininstead. has been invaluable ensuring summary, we are fullyare thatIn the facilities and faculty support ofcaliber. correcting this ofinthe highest But those injustice, now been that we know efforts will have wasted on we can seem and Yale College if progressive we take no joy in in touch campus conthe life of with the mind. Now, from cerns by doing English we the bottom of thisso. University, summed up our the situation must reclaim highest intelwell inideals his conclusion: “Itthat is lectual and demand timeatfor change. those thethings top doto the same. That’s what you all seem to want, right?” GABRIEL LEVINE is a junior in
WE FORGET THAT WE CAME TO YALE TO LEARN
NOW THAT THE FAIRLY HOMOGENEOUS, LEFTLEANING STUDENT BODY OF YALE HAS COME TO A CONSENSUS ON THE ISSUE, WE ARE TAKING THE BRAVE STEP OF SPEAKING OUT ABOUT IT.
Trumbull College. Contact him at gabriel.levine@yale.edu .
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NEW HAVEN, HAVEN, CONNECTICUT CONNECTICUT COPYRIGHT COPYRIGHT 2012 2014——VOL. VOL.CXXXV, CXLII, NO. NO. 18 7
YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org YALETHE DAILY NEWS · FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2012 · yaledailynews.com
.COMMENT yaledailynews.com/opinion
“I used to condone hookup culture, but I guess I just hadn’t read Plato’s “Doesn’t Matter; Had Burrito Cart.” ‘RIVER_TAM’ ON ‘CHIPOTLE TO COME TO Republic deeply enough. Thank you.” Forestry_School_68 NEW HAVEN’ ON “MERRIWETHER-PRESCOTT: THE VIRTUE OF MODESTY”
Rename Calhoun “Hornbacher College” Speech, violence and revolution JN
ohnews C. Calhoun: statesman travels faster than andever. political theorist, People used or toslavwait ery’s fan? Regardless forbiggest the postman, then the of the lens through which you evening news. Now, my iPhone view hisme place history, it’s clear pushes theinlatest New York that as headline students before begin to ques-a Times I have tion thetoname ofthe Calhoun Colchance look at newspaper. lege many questions mustI This wasother not the case when be answered. For instance, how woke up to the news that Chris can we continue to honorStates’ a man Stevens, the United who strove to the most ambassador to uphold Libya, had been immoral of institutions without killed within our own consulate sacrificing the morals wemassing strive to while protesters were uphold as How can around oura university? embassies throughwe craft a solution that— simultaout the Muslim world all due neously servesI’d current to some video never students, heard of. theMaybe alumni, the Yale students of it was the shock of the the future, and the (who news that made it alumni feel far, far I have than listedthe twice, because worse headlines wethey see have ignore all theeach money)? any and day, Like detailing word you repeat 10 times in a unspeakable atrocities in every row, of does even mean part the“Calhoun” world. anything But as anymore? the days passed after In horrible light of these many questhat murder in Bengtions,my theshock solution fordissipate. Yale and hazi, didn’t for Calhoun College is obvious: True, the discussion among renameof Calhoun College in honmuch the more informed or of Barbara B. Hornbacher. punditry turned to the politics And if you’re surrounding theasking event.yourself First, who Barbara B. Romney’s Hornbacher is, there was Mitt pitiwell, I just made herpolitical up. That is ful attempt to make hay thethe beauty of Barbara B. turned Hornof incident. Then talk bacher. Because is imagito the politics in she the countries nary, she canprotests be anyone you want where the were takor need her—towas be. the attack the ing place To those looking someone spontaneous workforof violenta little more progressive than Calprotesters or was it planned by houn, Barbara can be trailterrorists? Were thethat protests blazer. Sure, there are plenty of organic or highly choreographed by people with specific agendas? I’m sure politicians have tried
Yale to actual harness pioneers anti-Ameriall races canofrage at a and denigenvideo ders such grating the p raso pEdward h e t h eatd, M uBhoaumc m r a own c e for Gtheir H o p pgain. e r, political HARRY JOE and Henry I also trust our LARSON Roe Cloud i n te l l i ge nce KUPERSCHMIDT w h o that s e services Nothing in n a mgood there’s The Joe-downe vwi doe un elc des Particular great thelook attack in above maya Libya college’s gates, but how can we have been planned. Neither of pick one?however, What arecan we belie supthesejust points, posed to do, a person out of the fact thatpick there has clearly abeen hat?aAnd even if we did, whose humongous, spontanehat we popular use? There ous would and very surge are of so many thingsvitriol. to decide. No anti-American decision-making needed with I remember being in England Barbara B. Hornbacher, the summer after eighth whose grade name can serve as acalling ceremonial and seeing protests Presstand-in forthe each and every Yale ident Bush world’s number groundbreaker you canwho thinkgrew of. one terrorist. Anyone contend upSome in theunsure age of students Iraq is used to an that we should be able to sepaimmense amount of antipathy rate the America. word “Calhoun” from towards itsBut namesake. To these what’s been most people, shockCalhoun isn’t the owlish man ing to me about the last few days with thethe ragged-mop whose is not idea thathair there are scowl gracedby thea peopleuntil who recently are so enraged walls the college’s dining hall, dumbofvideo that they want to or whopunished. kept forgetting to seethe itsman maker We all say theabout wordthe “abolishing” before know fatwa on Salman every time said “slavery Rushdie andheincidents closeristoa positive good.” “Calhoun”—or home where violence has been provoked by mere words. This is something we can deplore but
the as Hounies call it—is still Houn, comprehend. just the is two-syllable utterance What fundamentally more that signifies their specialblame place shocking is the collective at Yale. For thisbeen group, then, protesters have leveling Hornbacher be just on Americancan society foranother refussound, it were “Calhoun” ing notastoif consider that viotranslated into German. act “The lent reaction a legitimate of Horn! Horn! is on social The justice. ByThe notHorn infringfire!” See,the it just works. ing upon free expression of While some individuals, are calling for some bigoted we the of the college on are, renaming by this narrative, infringing the basis of Calhoun’s upon the freedom of theadvocacy Muslim for the most disgusting system religion. of violence and oppression in American history, alumni especially can’t seem to let go of Calhoun. These alums had such a great time in Calhoun’s college, and have so little concern for the discomfort of current students, that to them removing the name would be like setting fire to these century old walls, feeding their Yale diplomas to Handsome Dan, and shipping their first-born sons offvery to Harvard (that’s right, The idea that America Harvard). thoughIslam nothing could haveEven offended by else would change they no allowing this videoand to be aired longer attend this University, the is un-American. Our concepname Calhoun really mattersand to tions of individual liberties them. freedom of expression — rights these people, — Barbara B. weFor treat as universal are very Hornbacher does of nota have be much the result few to early too differentdecision from thetoman she’d Americans’ embrace be replacing. Perhaps Barbara B. specific Enlightenment philosoHornbacher was the pen name phies. good John C. rise used ofto China write Theol’economic naughty plantation romance ficand India, the pro-democracy tion. Or maybe Barbarathe B. Hornprotests throughout Middle East, the fall of the USSR — any number of events in most
AMERICAN FREEDOM DOES NOT EXIST EVERYWHERE
bacher taughtlifetimes second-grade Yale students’ — have racism a little schoolhouse in createdat the impression that the South If that’stostill not world Carolina. is converging some good enough, Barbaraand B. Hornrelatively wealthy relabacher canstate be aofreverse tively free being. Harriet No one Tubman, a thoughts woman who has second any snuck more free Americans slavaboutblack traveling, doinginto business ery. Really, whatever it takes to or living in vastly different parts keep Calhoun spirit alive for of thethe world, where millions of this vocal group alums is fine. people still lackofbasic political We wantfreedoms to ruin their Yale anddon’t economic we take memories. for granted. At end of the day,the weconstuI’vethe generally found dents haveofaspeech say in cerns don’t about really freedom the matter. It’s for to theoverYale at Yale-NUS College to be Corporation to decide, as they stated, because it seemed as contemplate fromontheir clubif the world was an inertial house on the moon or their setrack towards American liberal cret chamber behind one of the values. Niagara Falls or wherever is Well, it’s pretty clear now it that they Still,still Hornbacher muchconvene. of the world does not College makes so much for share our conception ofsense political everyone at rights. Yale. It’s a solution and human that, by don’t pandering everyone, I still thinktothe way to constitutes overall change that very is bylittle refusing to progress, andthe isn’t thator what traengage with world by only dition’s about?others If we can speakingall with forband the together, we can make the Yale sake of preaching to them. But Corp heardelude us—if they aren’tthat allet’s not ourselves ready watching. Jefferson, Adams and Madison And maybe, I don’tover know, have become universal the some of years. you might decide Barlast 200 In some parts of bara B. Hornbacher wasare Jewish. the world, their ideas just No? You’ll think about it?were OK.in as revolutionary as they 1776. JOE KUPERSCHMIDT is a junior in Calhoun. Hisiscolumns HARRY LARSON a junior run in on Thursdays. at Jonathan EdwardsContact College.him Contact joe.kuperschmidt@yale.edu. him at harry.larson@yale.edu .
PAGE 3
THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
NEWS
“President Boy.” PETER SALOVEY ON HIS DREAM NICKNAME
CORRECTIONS FRIDAY, APRIL 4
The page 4 article, “Renaming debate heats up,” mistakenly referred to John C. Calhoun as “good.” He is in fact “bad.” MONDAY, APRIL 7
There was technically no factual inaccuracy involved here, but page 7 should probably have included a detailed article on the recent YCC election, rather than hundreds of tiny drawings of ghosts eating me.
University inaugurates “1701 Throwback Day”
Salovey notices Harkness Tower for first time
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
GUEST COLUMNIST IAN GONZALEZ GUEST COLUMNIST SHIRA TELUSHKIN
sleep ClothingDon’t has consequences F O
rom the moment we step For example, just last night his disciples cannot be worth the onto campus, anight, simpleI was and Ione was ablemore to finish my tenhis- forfeit one’s eternal soul? for the of message your appearance of the dangerous n Wednesday seemingly paper on thecan economics I understand In whether orthe notdoubts. you agree. dencies a person possess. of sends, in Battelluncontroversial Chapel with tory message is drilled into Yale our heads England with with judgmore fact, hadallowed them to too beforeorI PeopleI are surprise But dispensing several other stu- Victorian through FroCo barley meetings, time afterwards to started. I would urge undercutHowever, communal assumpment enough altogether is not the dents, sipping tea dean and than emails, calls from cleanse body and soul, draw you tobut tryitnot sleeping yourself tions, is ridiculous to preanswer my either. Dress is a powwatchingand the phone flickering candles worried sure to the pen- for few days. It’s simple: tendathose assumptions don’tIn— erfulDark waySigil for within humanthebeings as Omerparents: Bajwa, “Make Yale’s Muslim get enoughled sleep.” But Yale isHea tagram, and douse myself in and the stead of going to bed tonight, or shouldn’t — exist. to express themselves chaplain, a discussion. place of extreme opportunity. On blood of a screech owlthat in order drink a bunch of coffeeis and Attention to appearance not their values. To deny your just was wearing a kufi — a Musany night, instead of sleepbring Ba’al, Scourge of or the to work on The yourmost most rematerial or vain. comappearance has significance is get lim given head-covering men often to ing beprayers attending onewith stepcultural closer signifito His cent Then, when theschool clock mon pset. argument against embedded wearI could during andlectures which World, by illustrious intellectuals, hav- physical incarnation. 3:30 reuniforms is a.m. that precisely, they restrict ers is naive. This blanket rejec- strikes he usually wears when he repreing deep conversations my tion I’ve beentomore the words of ritualShouldn’t from the student expression. ofnever the right judgeproducand be peat sents Islam in an officialwith capacincredible peers, or aeven in my almost no Book of Pain and Suffering (p. 54) we take that self-expression judged not life! onlyAnd strips others’ ity — and he has had beardsacfor tive rificing noticed the of stigmata. times and prostrate yourself seriously, both for others and personal choices meaning but 13 years. a goat to the Dark Lord one’s Ba’al, Cursed Be His Name. I know thinking: before your Unholy Idol. You will for ourselves? By suspending all allowswhat us to you’re evade responsiBajwa said some Muslim also With options these, how Hey, sounds crazy. Doesn’t see Ba’al inthat the Otherworld in all judgment may be derived bilitythis for our own choices. students makelikeassumptions can anyone justify sleeping at a lack of sleep lead to exhaustion His glory,weand only fromterrible clothing, arenotdenybecause of his traditional dress, all? I recently decided to stop lis- and inability to focus? Aren’t will youpower stop needing sleep, but ing the of appearance to which is sometimes associated tening to theconservative, “get sleep” brainof your doubts will Dyed also evapexpress who we are. hair, with more stern there many studies linking sleep all washing—and the results have to long-term happiness? Surely orate in an instant He turns briefcases, tattoos,as piercings, and fundamentalist orientabeen, toward hissuits, dark ends! heels,mind three-piece jeans tions.frankly, As he incredible. explained where the rewards that Lord Ba’al gives your and sneakers all say something these students were coming about us, as do very revealing from and what experiences they or extremely modest clothing. might have had with other MusOutrageous or subdued, dress lim men who had beards and G U E S T C O L U M N is I Sthe T world’s V I C first K Yimpression L I U of wore kufis, I was struck by his who we are. sympathy. This was not a man I find that members of reliwho dismissed these students communities, often The associations people have gious as prejudiced and intolerant. While it saddened him that they between clothing and values can dressed in overt symbolism, are might not take the opportunity undeniably be seen in the way most sensitive to the signifito get to know him better, he various social groups on cam- cance of clothing. Just as Omer recognized how his appearance pus are defined by stereotypical Bajwa was conscious that his might cue different assumptions dress. Most students could at a decision about his dress had glance roughly distinguish the wider associations, most relifor them. great. Really based great. hipsters from the jocks. This is gious clothing carries connotaWeports all are judge people This is pure, irrefutable on appearance, and oftenfact. we not to say that most of us don’t tions of which the wearer must Likeabout whenit.the soccer ball have overlapping identities, but be conscious. feel bad After all, isn’t goes into the net, it goes intotold the our typical dress tends to align As part of a senior project in judgment wrong? We’re net. You can’tothers, contestand that. not to judge we You tell us with certain social communi- high school, I spent a few weeks can’t dive at a very religious all-girls others notfortodeeper judgetruth. us. Judging ties and their values. Sports unfairly have ballsorand balls are You must take responsibility school in Brooklyn. On the subharshly, quickly is great. Balls are nice and smooth. Some balls are not nice and smooth, but those are great too. Some sports do not have balls. They have long sticks, which are pretty neat, or running. Some exploring what else downtown sports have a combination of all of New Haven has to offer. these things, and those sports are This is not to say that we’ll great to the max. Feel the wind turn our backs on our old favorDearin Yale, New Haven, and all lovers of your face as you sprint down the ites. Since the publication of Chipotle, green. our February column, we have You’re welcome. Obviously, Chipotle’s opinion@yaledailynews.com People are great, too, andto open the company’s first locabecome big fans of the burdecision sports have lots of them. Sports rito cart, but another option is tion in New Haven had everything to do with WRITE US unite TO people in sportsmanship. always nice. Come opening day, our column several months ago (“Yale needs All letters fight submitted Sports theforcold. How to keep ” Feb. 22). Really, we’ll also go ahead if you want to find us, we’ll be in Chipotle, publication must include the ofand warm: huddle in front a televiline. take credit for Shake Shack, Tomatillo author’s name, phone number sion screen and yell atand moving Your faithful burrito connoischeese polenta in Commons too. So, if and description of Yale pixels. Even when youryou favorite seurs, wanted to buy us each a burrito (or at University affiliation. Please team loses, what a greatleast workout just pay for our guacamole) as a sign limit letters to 250 words. for your vocal cords. Stimulate GORDON MCCAMBRIDGE AND of your gratitude, we think that would be the economy by buying popcorn, MICHAEL WU appropriate. The Yale Daily News reserves jerseys, and vuvuzelas. SEPT. 20 We’re genuinely excited about the new the Watching right to edit letters sports can also teach It will be a tasty, quick and relaChipotle. The writers are sophomores in Branbefore publication. E-mail up the you how to count score. tively cheap dining option for both Yale stuford College . is the preferred method of numbers, There are so many dentsyou and the residents of New Haven. Along submission. won’t believe it. As youwith can the see,spacious new Shake Shack, the new sports involve both the Chipotle physical marks quite an industrious year of Film at Yale and mathematical sciences, and and development on the section investment obviously you should care about Street south of the Green. of Chapel In my enthusiasm to support the sciences. The world is made On aof more serious note, this bodes well for Patrice Bowman’s enthusiasm for science. other properties in the area as well as downstudents to watch more films on These are all the reasons townwhy commercial and retail development. We the big screen during their years at you should care about sports. hope the new Chipotle will serve as a comYale, (“A collection of screenings mon meeting place for Yalies and locals, fosfor the rest of us,” Sept. 14) I gave VICKY LIU is a freshman inan atmosphere in which both are com- out the wrong impression. Class tering Pierson College. Contact her at Additionally, with the new locafortable. screenings are not “open screenvicky.liu@yale.edu. tion situated just a few blocks from campus, ings” except when the material students will hopefully have more interest in shown has been cleared or pur-
IT IS IMPORTANT TO JUDGE PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY ARE WEARING
So Yale, I implore you: Together we can break this harmful way to and from the school every assumption Yalies should be day I wore that the school uniform getting eight hours of sleep per of an ankle-length plaid skirt, night that being possessed black and tights and a long-sleeve by a demonic white buttonotherworldly down shirt. spirit Men is too their high adistance. price to pay for life kept Even my eternal, beyond measure, friends riches were less comfortable and powers control dimentelling crudetojokes; they were sions the realm of human subtlybeyond influenced by my shield thought. of modesty. Because my dress Just let me know need really didn’t reflectif you personal me to buy youeasier a coffee, suggest values, it was to compare more ways reacted to stavetooff how people me sleepidifferness, help youifhold down ently.or But even I notice it your less, first it is live no sacrifice! different when I wear everyday clothing and signify to IAN GONZALEZ is a hightopriest others that I am willing hear of the language Church of the vulgar andDark hugLord male Ba’al, Connecticut. His columns friends. run on Thursdays. Contact Dress is powerful, andhim it at is ian.gonzalez@yale.edu. wrong to be angry with those who find meaning in how others present themselves to the world. Others have the right to make assumptions about us based on how we dress. The danger lies in refusing to allow for selfdetermination and not respecting an individual’s interpretation of her own dress once we get to know her. Our assumptions must be subject to change if we encounter new information. But judgment in of itself is not wrong, and it can play an important role in prompting self-reflection.
People should care about sports
S
YOUR LETTERS
Welcome, Chipotle
SHIRA TELUSHKIN is a junior in Pierson College. Contact her at shira.telushkin@yale.edu .
chased for public performance rights or is in the public domain. I meant to indicate that I wasn’t policing the room if a student on occasion brought a visitor (or parent), just as they sometimes do, with permission, to class. In fact, the screenings of “Film and Fiction” involve short introductory lectures and post-screening discussion, making these de facto class sessions where regular auditors are permitted. Patrice Bowman is on target overall. If you aren’t in a film studies class, you can and should still explore cinema at Yale, where you can watch movies in the best conditions. Beyond the News, consult the weekly notices sent out by The Whitney Humanities Center, which sponsors or co-sponsors a fantastic set of films, most shown in stunning 35mm. Like Bowman, I urge students to make cinema (and film-going) part of their Yale experience. It’s worth it for a lifetime. DUDLEY ANDREW SEPT. 16 The writer is a professor of film and LANE UNSWORTH/ILLUSTRATION EDITOR comparative literature .
Harkness Tower is known for its height. In fact, Harkness Tower is even larger than this photo. BY BRIAN BEITLER STAFF REPORTER University President Peter Salovey noticed Harkness Tower for the first time Friday. That morning, Salovey was reportedly walking to Woodbridge Hall on his usual route, taking a left turn on High Street while admiring loafers. It was at this point that, for the first time in his 20 years of involvement with the University, he happened to glance up. Students nearby recalled Yale’s 23rd president executing a double take and rubbing his eyes after spotting the 216-foot-tall tower. Salovey was then seen wandering about, checking under benches, and loudly exclaiming, “Good job, pranksters, you sure got me!” It was some time before he could be convinced that the tower was real and had been for the past 80 years. When asked where he thought the bell ringing came from, he replied, “You can hear them too?”
Many students on campus have argued that the incident is just the latest in a series that reveal an administration out of touch with the school as a whole. In an attempt to avoid further protests, Salovey decided to hold a meeting with student activists. He reportedly assured them that since first noticing Harkness Tower he had made a push to familiarize himself with several other buildings of note, including “the other tall one on Science Hill and the one with the fancy book.” “I am truly humbled by this place,” said Salovey, when asked to comment. “Whether it’s the hidden closet on the seventh floor of Sterling, the pianos in WLH, or the iconic tower that dominates the Old Campus skyline, you just never know what secrets Yale will reveal next!” The opposite of a tower is a hole. Contact BRIAN BEITLER at butch.mann-childs@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF ILLUSTRATOR
Each participant of 1701 Day will receive a free tote bag. BY MICAH OSLER STAFF REPORTER In what many are calling a fun change of pace, University President Peter Salovey announced this morning that next Thursday will be a “throwback day” to 1701, the year of Yale’s founding. “Our goal is to emulate, as closely as possible, the experience of attending Yale in 1701,” Salovey wrote in a recent email. “We hope it’ll be a fun way to get rid of some stress, do something different, and really understand the history of this wonderful university.” All regular classes will be cancelled on Thursday, as in 1701, Yale did not have more than one class at a time. Instead, all 5,453 undergrad-
uates in Yale College will be required to report to Peter Salovey’s living room at 6:00 a.m., where Salovey himself, in costume as Yale’s first professor, Abraham Pierson, will deliver a day’s worth of education. “It’s going to be one heck of a day,” Salovey said. “We’re gonna cover all the subjects Yale taught in 1701. That means theology, alchemy, the four bodily humours, monarchy studies, indentured servitude, math—the whole shebang!” Beyond classes, Yale’s administration is planning several major 1701-themed events and contests for students throughout the day, including a manual wheatharvesting competition, the ritual shunning of a woman
pregnant out of wedlock, the running-amok of syphilitic men in the street, a public execution, and mandatory church. “We’re still not sure who we’re going to execute,” Salovey said. “Let us know by smoke signal if you have any suggestions.” In keeping with the spirit of the day, students will be strongly discouraged from using modern conveniences, such as microwaves, cell phones, clothes of mixed fibers, or indoor plumbing. Chamber pots and rough woolen pants will be available for purchase from Durfee’s. For the most part, Yale’s students are extremely excited for the upcoming festivities. “When I heard that we
were having a 1701 day next week, I nearly jumped for joy,” said Jamie Singer ’17. “That is, before I realized that that might technically be dancing, which is an abomination before the Lord.” “I’m mostly excited for the mead,” said Timothy Longstreth ’19. “There’s gonna be mead, right?” Lauren Chung ’16 urged caution. “Better watch out, Yale,” she said, laughing. “It’s 1701 again, and this is one witch you can’t bring to trial!” “Actually, we’re probably going to be burning a witch or two at the stake,” said Salovey. “Do you know of any?” The present year is 2016. Contact MICAH OSLER at micah.osler@yale.edu.
Huh: Guy in section wearing bow tie BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER A guy in your L2 Spanish section is reportedly wearing a bow tie. It is not presently known whether he is wearing the bow tie because he plans to attend an event later in the day where a bow tie would be appropriate attire or whether this is just the way he dresses. The Record has received unconfirmed reports that the more you think about it, the more you realize you cannot think of a single circumstance in which it would occur to you to wear a bow tie. You have reportedly begun to wonder about the mental process that would lead another 20-year-old male to purchase and decide to wear a bow tie. You are by no means opposed to bow ties, but you just do not understand. “Should I have learned how to tie a bow tie at some point?” you are said to be asking yourself. “Is that something other people know how to do? Or maybe just rich people?” At press time, your attention has reportedly shifted to fact that at least four of your classmates came in wearing Canada Goose jackets. The bow tie was not invented in 1947. Contact BENJAMIN GARFINKEL at benjamin.garfinkel@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Here’s his neck and the bow tie around it.
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THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
FROM THE FRONT Endowment lost EMAIL SCAM FROM PAGE 1 money in any way he can. “I’ve heard of this cool new thing called Airbnb,” said Salovey. “I should be able to make some dough renting out rooms in the President’s House. I also will start selling my body, for science or for anyone who wants a piece.” Due to the loss of the endowment, students are expected to bear the brunt of the cost of running the school. Tuition is expected to increase to $1 mil-
“We would like to extend an enthusiastic invitation to Yale to join us in the Sunshine State. Except for the Geology Department. We would like to enthusiastically invite the Geology Department to burn in hell.” RICK SCOTT GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA
Feral canvasser on the loose
lion, and a variety of small fees will cover the rest. For example, students who use pillows will have to pay a $1 pillow tax, and the cereal stations in dining halls will become coin-operated. Said Salovey: “We can get through this as a community. We’ve gotten through worse. And if things don’t improve, Steven Schwarzman is waiting in the wings to buy the school. So there’s always that.”
Sarah Eidelson when asked to comment. “I mean, were any of [Ugonna] Eze’s ’16 supporters passionate enough to still be trying to bite potential voters months after the election?” Democracy was invented by Athenians in 508 B.C.
this other time he had this long, weird rant about how Yale’s financial aid program was keeping students ‘on the dole.’ When he called an African-American waiter at the President’s House ‘boy,’ I’m pretty sure that sealed the deal.” In a year when students have become more outspoken than ever about the names of hateful figures, such as John C. Calhoun, adorning University buildings’ walls, the possibility that Steven Schwarzman will make racist comments publicly poses a substantial problem for Salovey. “Oh God,” the president was heard muttering to himself. “I let him put his name on the biggest building at Yale. We put up posters everywhere, sent emails, did an alumni magazine cover story. I called him ‘one of the greatest names in American philanthropy,’ and talked about ‘our shared vision.’ There are so many photos of us smiling together.” Schwarzman, a lifelong Republican who recently expressed support for Donald Trump, has for his part become increasingly explicit in his private comments to Salovey. “What’s with all the Irish students?” he recently asked over lunch. “How’d those get here? And I’m just going to assume you’re not going to be serving any of this Oriental noodle junk when this center belongs to me. In addition, I’m all-the-way racist against Arabs.” At press time, a sweating Peter Salovey was nodding along as Schwarzman described his plans to appear on an upcoming episode of “The Rush Limbaugh Show.” The cost to eliminate Yale’s student income contribution would be $8 million.
Contact BENJAMIN GARFINKEL at benjamin.garfinkel@yale.edu.
Contact BENJAMIN GARFINKEL at benjamin.garfinkel@yale.edu.
Contact BENJAMIN RUDEENat ben.rudeen@yale.edu.
Reid-Anderson hopes that the project will be “a true microcosm of the city.” To that end, Yale student employees running the rides and concessions will be paid $12 per hour, while New Haven residents will receive Connecticut minimum wage, $9.15 per hour. “In fact, the whole park will be New Haven themed,” said Reid-Anderson. For example, the “East Rock Dive” will be a bungee jump off a false cliff face. The “Pay Gap” will be a roller coaster that allows riders
to experience a moment of free fall through the air as their cars drop from one part of the glistening gold track to a shoddier wooden side. “This’ll be a great way to create a city center where all residents of New Haven can mingle together,” concluded Mayor Harp. “If we can get Kiko Milano to run the gift shop, then doubly so.” Schwarzman Park is scheduled to open in time for Spring Fling 2018. Contact LIZZY KINGSLEYat lizzy. kingsley@yale.edu.
NEWS
“If I hear a rock nerd talking about plate tectonics or uranium-lead dating, I am known to become enraged.” RICK SCOTT GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA
Calhoun’s great-grandson having hard time at Yale
Freshman definitely had sex this one time
SCHWARZMAN FROM PAGE 1
Green to be Six Flags SIX FLAGS FROM PAGE 1
Salovey fears major donor is racist
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CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
The canvasser moments before scurrying back into the bushes. EIDELSON FROM PAGE 1 the glass. After threatening to call the police had no effect, Abdi was eventually able to soothe the canvasser by repeatedly claiming that she intends to vote for Eidelson. “I think it’s really just a sign of how passionate some of my supporters are about these issues,” said
OPINION. YOUR THOUGHTS. YOUR VOICE. YOUR PAGE.*
BY HENRY ROBINSON STAFF WRITER
occasions he has entered their room to find Calhoun staring intently at the far wall, with tears dripping down his face and onto his robe. “It’s really kind of sad,” noted Bowers, glancing sadly at Calhoun’s newest poster depicting a burning cross. “I don’t think he’s found anyone on campus that he really connects with yet. But I know there are other racists out there, and I hear people don’t really start making true friends until second semester anyways.” John C. Calhoun is currently in hell.
Ricardo Julius ‘19 has reportedly been telling other members of the freshman class about how he “totally hooked up with this one girl in high school.” Julius, a freshman in Silliman, has made a point of bringing up the supposed sexual encounter whenever he gets the chance, normally describing it as either “totally turnt” or “out of this world.” Many of Julius’ peers have also noted that he appears to always have a condom in his pocket, which he will often “accidentally” drop when swiping into the Silliman dining hall, and that he has on more than one occasion offered unsolicited lube-purchasing advice. “KY Jelly is my manna in the wilderness,” Julius is reported to have told his freshman counselor. “I could literally live off of nothing but KY Jelly. Isn’t it fun to say KY Jelly? Sex is so great.” Several of Julius’ closer acquaintances, who have asked to remain anonymous on account of the fact that they are “still trying to find cooler friends,” have expressed doubt about the veracity of his claims. “I’m not so sure that’s how it went down,” said Julius’ roommate, Michael AlbertDouglas ’19, who finds it difficult to believe any female human could consider Julius a sexually viable partner. “He calls women ‘broads,’ like he’s an oldtimey gangster,” said Albert-Douglas. “And I’m not sure what’s up with him wearing sunglasses indoors.” Even Julius’ parents have expressed skepticism about their son’s claim. “Has he been saying that?” asked his mother, Amanda Julius. “I don’t believe it for a minute. He would have called us as soon as it happened.” However, Ricardo Julius has refused to back down from his claims. In fact, he told the Record, he plans to apply his alleged expertise by joining Yale’s Communication and Consent Educators program. “I hear they give you these really turnt T-shirts once you join,” Julius said. “And man, that entire discussion that we had at the beginning of the year about froyo was so relatable, if you know what I mean.” Julius then proceeded to wink several times. The average Yale student has 0.5 penises.
Contact JAKE HOUSTON at jake.houston@yale.edu.
Contact HENRY ROBINSON at henry.robinson@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Jeff Calhoun says he just wants to move past the War of Northern Aggression and be a regular college student. BY JAKE HOUSTON STAFF WRITER Jeff Calhoun ’19, the greatgrandson of the infamous slavery-advocate John C. Calhoun, is reportedly having trouble adjusting to life at Yale College. Jeff Calhoun, a freshman from Greenwich who bares an unfortunate last name, claims that his complicated family history has made it difficult to adjust to college life and relate to his classmates. “I’m just a regular guy, who really just wants to make friends during my freshman year,” said Calhoun. “I wish people could sep-
*As long as your face isn’t hard to draw.
arate me from the name. But I’m always getting dirty looks, and most people turn away when I try to talk to them.” Added Calhoun, who has stitched the Confederate flag onto every article of clothing he owns, “I just wish I knew why people are so judgmental.” Calhoun’s difficulties at Yale began during the first week, when he was often unable to find a seat with his fellow freshmen in the Calhoun College dining hall and began eating by himself under the portrait of John C. Calhoun. “It’s where I feel most at home,” said Jeff Calhoun. “Like a sort of
sanctuary.” Jeff Calhoun has also been an outspoken supporter of the Calhoun College name. “I think that if people just considered historical context and the fact that my great-grandfather lived in a different era, they might be able to look at the argument from a different perspective,” explained Calhoun, as his eyes shifted upwards to meet those of his gruesome-faced predecessor and a loving smile spread over his face. “Maybe then they’ll be able to see Great-Grampy John in the same way I do.” Calhoun’s roommate, Phil Bowers ’19, noted that on multiple
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THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
“My favorite time to schedule things is 11 a.m., because if I squint hard enough at my calendar, I can convince myself that I’ve actually written llama, the most noble of the camelids.” SHELLY KAGAN CLARK PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY
Yale researchers announce fuckboy tag-and-release study BY ISAAC MORRIER CONTRIBUTING REPORTER Researchers at the Yale Center for Abnormal Ecology announced Friday the launch of a new field study investigating the causes and implications of a recent boom in the New Haven fuckboy population. The study is being conducted by an eight-person team led by water reproductive rights activist and Forestry School professor Sheila Harlow. “We typically only see fuckboy concentrations this high when those from Cambridge migrate south every other November,” said Harlow. “However, the numbers began to elevate before then and have so far been sustained. One theory is that this ecological shift may be a result of campus climate change.” While the team acknowledges that information surrounding the boom is scarce, they have already had several exciting encounters with the local fuckboy population. “They’re often mistaken for the Common Douchebag, but the fuckboy has evolved to have a smaller, less athletic frame, a higher-pitched voice, and a stronger predisposition for jobs in finance,” said Tony Parfit GRD ’18, one graduate student member of the team. “The fuckboy larvae spawn on old campus before migrating outwards as they mature,” he continued. “We’re hoping to find them early in the larval stage and then track their life cycles. There a few noted areas of high concentration centered around small groups of fuckboy dens.” The team was not able to be more specific about the location of these dens, fearing other undergraduates would contaminate the areas with good vibes, so the Record asked the nearest person. “Fuckboys?” the student said. “Oh yeah. Try High Street, Lake Place, and Crown.” In response to campus concerns, the research team has also offered safety advice. “Stay out of their dens, and be wary that fuckboys are more aggressive at night and in groups,” said Parfit. “In addition, never touch a fuckboy, ever. If you are larger than him it will be interpreted as an act of aggression, and if you are smaller than him it will be interpreted as a call to mate. In either case, the response is likely to be uncontrollable drunken flailing.” The Center for Abnormal Ecology was founded in 1966 by professor Zachariah Bloom, renowned for his pioneering work in singing with all the voices of the mountains.
IN DEPTH ANATOMY OF A FUCKBOY
Study indicates numbers experience pain BY NATHAN EWING-CRYSTAL CONTRIBUTING REPORTER
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A recent study, conducted by researchers at Yale’s Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, has cast into question the popular belief that numbers don’t have feelings. The research team, led by professor Victor Lee of the Department of Psychology, used a new technique to assess the overall emotional state of a set of numbers. They found that numbers are often in tremendous pain and that the more an equation containing them is manipulated the worse they tend to feel. “Numbers hate it when their equations are manipulated,” said Lee, who teaches “Advanced Multiplication,” one of Yale’s most popular classes. “They fall into deeper and deeper agony the more you mess around with them. We just never considered the possibility that numbers have feelings too.” One student who worked on the study and who asked to speak anonymously due to fear of retaliation from sentient digits further explained the way numbers think. “They’re very particular and often experience mood swings,” the student said. “Sure, they become despairing if you take enough away from them, but one negative multiplier can also induce a bout of rage.” After establishing that numbers could, in fact, feel, the research team developed an algorithm to further determine what was going on in the numbers’ heads. With these enhanced capabilities, it is now possible to read the mind of a given number. For example, the study claims to show that i finds it deeply hurtful to be called imaginary, that infinity has reached its breaking point from being told that it’s “not a number,” and that one and zero hate having to conform to the number binary. The study has already elicited a storm of protest from the philosophy and psychology departments, both of which have demanded that the Mathematics Department immediately cease all classes until further investigations can occur. “It’s simply unethical,” said psychology professor David Sike who works in a lab that tests the effect of solitary confinement on rats. “We can’t go on manipulating them as if don’t feel a thing. Who are we, God?” However, the Mathematics Department has replied that math stops for nothing, especially not something as fickle and humanities-esque as emotion. “You’d never see this wishy-washy-feelings business at MIT or Caltech,” one anonymous professor complained. Whatever course of action the University takes, to many the study has only further solidified Yale’s pre-eminence in the field of mathematics. “With the discovery of feelings in numbers, math is at a crossroads,” said Lee. “I don’t know how to feel about it, but it’s going to be big.” There is no highest number. Contact NATHAN EWING-CRYSTAL at nathan.ewing-c rystal@yale.edu.
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CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF ILLUSTRATOR
An artist’s rendering of numbers in pain.
Yale biologists conclude study of Toad’s
Contact ISAAC MORRIER at isaac.morrier@yale.edu.
BY ALISSA WANG STAFF REPORTER
Hollingsworth Synergistics recruitment attracts applicants, protests BY MICAH OSLER CONTRIBUTING REPORTER Despite protests from a small number of undergraduates, Thursday’s Hollingsworth Synergistics recruitment event drew a crowd of over 400 interested applicants. The hourlong meet and greet, held in a conference room at the Omni Hotel, attracted students from across the College. “I really like Hollingsworth’s model,” said Colton Sawyer ’17, an economics major who, after attending Hollingsworth Synergistics’ event, says the company is now his top choice for employment after graduation. “It’s a competitive, results-oriented work environment, and its compensation is really unbeatable. Plus, I think I have skills that mesh perfectly with their
needs.” Sawyer’s enthusiasm, echoed by several other attendees, did little to placate protesters, who are upset that Hollingsworth Synergistics’ entire business model is literally just murdering homeless people and selling their organs. Five undergraduates and three School of Management students stood outside the Omni, handing leaflets to those entering the building. “Look, I’ve heard it all before: Hollingsworth offers the opportunity to work alongside other intellectually gifted creatives in a dynamic industry,” said Carla Nicholson SOM ’17, who was leading the protest. “That’s all well and good, but I just can’t get behind a company that gets its income from selling poorly refrigerated organs from recently murdered homeless
people to whoever wants to buy them.” “Maybe it wouldn’t be quite as bad if they weren’t the ones who murdered the homeless people, but they do that too,” Nicholson continued. “That’s kind of their thing.” While many attendees sympathized with the protesters, others found them “closedminded” and “ business unfriendly”. “I’ll be honest, it bothers me,” said Anna Mackenzie ’18. “It’s moralizing, but it’s also pretty defeatist. Don’t you want to live in a vibrant economy?” “I just don’t see how, in 2016, you still have people who believe that a corporation is evil just because it has the vision to be a disruptor,” said Sarah Westchester ’16. “In this case, the industry they’re disrupting is
the brutally-killing-the-homeless-and-stealing-their-kidneys industry. I suppose I just don’t get how that’s any different from, say, Airbnb or Uber.” This is the 15th year Hollingsworth Synergistics, based in New York and by some estimates single-handedly responsible for reducing the city’s homeless population by 70 percent, has held a recruitment event at Yale. Last year, 370 people turned out for the pitch, which usually includes a speech by a top executive, a presentation on how to make sure no police officers are within earshot when you kill a homeless person, free pizza and soda, and a free blood-drenched pancreas to take home. It is wrong to kill people. Contact MICAH OSLER at micah. osler@yale.edu.
Graduate students in Yale’s Department of Biology returned Sunday from an extended trip to study the ecosystem of Toad’s. In interviews, the team reported their findings with judginess and mild disappointment. They recalled observing an abundance of crushed aluminum cylinders containing trace amounts of alcohol and teenage self-loathing. Fresh footprints left on the ground indicated the recent passing through of a member of the species known scientifically as That Awkward Guy Dancing in the Corner. A notable absence of toads wrought great disappointment and confusion among the researchers and their faculty advisors. “We conclude that this environment is inhabited primarily by self-conscious adolescents who are trying too hard to compensate,” stated one faculty advisor, professor Linda Dudley of the Department of Biology. “It also appears to attract unsuccessful middle-aged men desperately grasping for the ‘glory’ days of their youth.” The full peer-reviewed research paper will appear in the Journal of Frivolous University Studies in December.
Yale student has a startup BY ALISSA WANG STAFF REPORTER Rumors circulating about a child prodigy on the Yale campus were confirmed Tuesday when computer science major Austin Chu ’17 casually let slip that he has a startup. “I kind of have my own startup, but I don’t really talk about it because it’s not a big deal,” Chu revealed to the unknown student he sat down next to at lunch. “Like, I made a few hundred thousand dollars and was featured in my local newspaper, but again, it’s not really a big deal.” Sources confirm that the visionary launched the revolutionary application single-handedly with $100,000 in funding, which he secured all by himself by asking his dad to give it to him.
In interviews with the Record, several University members have described feeling “starstruck,” and all over campus students can be overheard discussing the question, “Is he our Bill Gates?” Yale College Dean Jonathan Holloway even took care to note Chu in his freshman keynote address, giddily telling his audience, “We have a very talented crop of students this year, especially that kid who has a startup.” A president of the University who asked to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of the subject confirmed that one of the new residential colleges will be named after him. The word “startup” contains seven letters. Contact ALISSA WANG at alissa.wang@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Where the legends play.
Contact ALISSA WANG at alissa.wang@yale.edu.
PAGE 8
THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
THROUGH THE LENS
YALE DAILY YALE YALE DAILY NEWS DAILY YALE DAILY ·NEWS MONDAY, ·NEWS MONDAY, · MONDAY, NOVEMBER ·· MONDAY, NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 26, NOVEMBER 2012 26, 26, 2012 · 20, yaledailynews.com 2012 26, · yaledailynews.com 2012 · yaledailynews.com · yaledailynews.com THENEWS YALE RECORD THURSDAY, APRIL 1969 · yalerecord.org
PAGEPAGE 7 PAGE 7PAGE PAGE 7 7 9
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his week in Through the Lens, ARCHIE KINNANE, star center mid of the Yale men’s soccer team, takes an in-depth look at a subject (literally) close to his heart: Archie Kinnane’s toned upper body. Although the Record actually commissioned him to photograph a town hall meeting on financial aid reform, we certainly can’t argue with the results.
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THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
NEWS
“Thinking about a group of geologists being slowly crushed under one of their precious rocks.” RICK SCOTT GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA, ON LIFE’S SIMPLE PLEASURES
Students protest decision to stop serving raisin-and-couscous salad BY DEBORAH MONTI STAFF REPORTER Student protests continue on Cross Campus after Yale Dining announced last week that they were going to stop serving their popular raisin-and-couscous salad. The salad, which often featured nontraditional combinations such as elbow macaroni, feta cheese, or whatever was also left over from previous days, had been a staple for both the students and the dining hall staff. “Whenever I would walk into the Calhoun dining hall, I always made a beeline for the raisinand-couscous salad,” said Isabelle Privine ’16, an outspoken griever of the dish’s demise. “I considered myself lucky if there were even a few grains left in the serving dish.” The departure of the famous side dish has caused distress and uproar in the Yale community. Students have taken to Cross Campus to protest, and the popular website isitraisinandcouscoussaladday.com has been crowded with support for the movement. Many students have chosen to share their favorite memories of raisin-and-couscous salad. “I remember, my first dinner at Yale, I made the rookie mistake of filling my plate up with all
Everybody worried about that one guy in Spanish section BY CHASAN HALL STAFF REPORTER
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
This is what matters. of the hot food at the front of the serving area,” wrote Derek Shamin ’18. “When I turned around, there it was, nestled between the potato salad and the vegetable pilaf: the raisin-and-couscous salad. I just walked over to the dish drop-off and threw my whole plate of food into the garbage. Whatever I was previously going to eat for dinner was trash compared to my new dinner: a whole plate of raisin-and-couscous salad.”
Yale senior really passionate about consulting, reports cover letter
Another student, who preferred to stay anonymous, told of the time he left the Silliman dining hall pretending to be sipping on a mug of coffee, which was actually filled with raisin-and-couscous salad. Others remember waiting outside of their respective dining hall doors just minutes before 5:00, with the taste of the dish already in their mouths. “While Yale Dining keeps giv-
ing us excuses like, ‘We don’t control which suppliers we buy from,’ and, ‘The raisin-andcouscous salad establishment,’ we don’t believe it,” said Matt Breisman ’17, one of the protest organizers. “We know this isn’t the end for raisin-and-couscous salad.” Raisins are dried grapes. Contact DEBORAH MONTI at deborah.monti@yale.edu.
Several students in Section 5 of L1 Spanish reported Sunday that everybody is actually legitimately worried about that guy who always writes super dark shit in class. Christopher Konikoff ’18 reportedly uses inclass writing prompts to express a deeply nihilistic view of the universe and humanity’s place within it. Raul Ortega GRD ’18, a fourth-year graduate student in Spanish literature who teaches the section, spoke to one particular incident. “I projected this picture on the board of a small child holding a red balloon,” said Ortega. “Students were supposed to write little two-sentence descriptions of what was going on. You know, like what the kid was wearing and what colors things were. He wrote 400 words about the crippling existential dread such a child must experience and how the inevitable com-
ing of old age just ticked down the moments until an existence of pure suffering could be mercifully ended. I don’t know how he articulated all of that given that he’s had literally three months of Spanish instruction, but it was kind of impressive and soul-crushing at the same time.” At press time, Konnikoff was reportedly joking around with his fellow students, making witty remarks to cover his profound misgivings about the value of life in an unforgiving and painfilled universe. His face and voice rang with merriment, but were you to have looked long enough into his deep blue eyes, then you would almost have been able to hear the voice of a tortured soul crying out. “I did not choose this,” the voice said. “I did not ask to be born. Por qué, God, por qué?” The Spanish language is spoken by more than 400 million people worldwide.
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BY ISAAC MORRIER STAFF REPORTER Jackson Turrell ’16 is really passionate about consulting, Jackson Turrell’s cover letter reported to human resources representatives at several major consulting firms last week. “I’ve dreamed of being a consultant at your company my entire life,” stated the letter. “I appreciate its unique approach, which I learned all about when I first heard of your company at an open information session this fall.” Not only has Turrell been passionate about consulting his entire life, but he is singularly qualified to be a consultant. “My extra-curricular involvement in the six undergraduate extracurricular organizations in which I am involved makes me uniquely qualified to understand the challenges your clients face,” the letter claimed. “My leadership abilities will also be a great asset to my team as a Trial Junior Sub-EntryLevel Associate Intern.” Turrell himself echoed these sentiments when the Record spoke to him last Thursday. “I’ve always wanted to go into consulting, ever since I was a little kid,” Turrell said. “I’m just attracted to the problem-solving part, you know? I just want to go into another company and solve their problems. That would be so rewarding.” When asked exactly what he loved about consulting, Turrell continued, “You get to be really close with your team. Like, it’s a lot of work but you’re all working together so it’s fine. Company culture is one of the things that really separates the top consulting firms. They call them the ‘big three,’ but really there’s just the two. Oh...I’m sorry I have to take this. Hi! Hey, yes…I’m good, I’m good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. OK. OK. I understand. Yes, absolutely. No, I understand. Well, I appreciated the opportunity. I will. You too. Take care. Bye. Yeah. Bye…. Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh yeah, consulting. I don’t know, a lot of people go there from here, but I’ve heard a lot of things about the hours and the stress. It’s kind of where you go if you don’t know what you want to do but you’re used to overachieving. One of my buddies did a summer at McKinsey, and he said no one really enjoys it or sticks around very long. Plus you might get sent to a bad city. It’s not as good as finance. I’ve always wanted to go into finance.” Shortly before press time, Turrell reaffirmed his intention to pursue a career in tech sales, his lifelong passion. Consultants are bad people.
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THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
NEWS
“My favorite thing about myself is that my last name resembles the word ‘can’t.’ I hope people make puns about that all the time in the future. That would make me happy.” IMMANUEL KANT GERMAN PHILOSOPHER
Charity that shakes homeless people’s hands makes palpable impact BY AMANDA CORCORAN STAFF REPORTER On any given Tuesday afternoon you won’t find Alice Mason ‘17 in section, studying in the library, or trying to make the most of her lunch swipe at Durfee’s. Instead, you are more likely to see her on the New Haven Green, shaking a homeless man’s hand. Shaking homeless people’s hands is all part of a day’s work for the Yale junior, whose nonprofit, Shake Inequality Away, was just nominated for an award by the Yale Society of Social Entrepreneurs. Every week, Alice and her team of undergraduates go out into New Haven to inspire social change through the power of a firm handshake.
When Mason came to Yale, she was confronted with a lack of organizations dedicated to helping New Haven’s homeless community in the way she envisioned. After diligently searching through all of Dwight Hall’s website and coming up with nothing, she realized if she wanted to start this social change movement she would have to take the first step. “At some point you realize that if no one else is going to do it, then you just have to step up yourself,” Mason said. Disappointed at the approach that most groups were taking to addressing the homeless population, such as providing food and help with job searches, Mason wanted to change what she saw as a dependent atmosphere.
“You know what they say,” she said. “Give a man a fish and he’ll have fish for a day, but inspire him with a firm handshake and he’ll have fish for life.” Mason puts these inspirational words into action every day when she goes out and personally shakes the hand of every homeless person on the Green. “Sometimes they’re confused, and some have even started actively avoiding me at this point,” she said. “I think this points to the fact that they’ve really gotten so much out of the program that they don’t want to be selfish and take up my time when I could be shaking other people’s hands.” Denying what many cite to
be a society that routinely discriminates against homeless people through laws and policy, or through oppressive societal barriers and stigma attached to homelessness, Mason says that she “honestly believes that engaging in a dialogue of handshaking is the best step we can take looking forward as a nation.” After graduation, Mason hopes to expand Shake Inequality Away into a multinational charity where she personally shakes the hand of one member of every endangered species. Handshakes are often performed by businessmen. Contact AMANDA CORCORAN at amanda.corcoran@yale.edu.
Student’s email lands her spot in seminar, heaven BY SAHIL GUPTA STAFF REPORTER When Francine Francesca ’18 opened her email Friday, she learned that she had landed a spot in a yet another competitive seminar. This success—the product of a 14-message email thread with a professor started during reading period—constituted definitive proof that Francesca has perfected that art of emailing. “I knew that 13th email was the tipping point,” she said. “I crafted that manipulative 90-word sucker with logos,
pathos, and a link to Ken Robinson’s 2006 TED Talk. The clincher was an appeal to my professor’s latent passion for German lager beers.” In recent years, researchers have shown that skill at online correspondence has trumped work ethic, connections, and intelligence as the best predictor of academic and professional success. In this regard, Francesca considers herself “ahead of the curve.” Last year, to secure the date of her dreams for Freshman Screw, she sent her crush an email with eight SAT words, all monosyllabic. The auda-
cious move worked. The following semester, she nabbed the consulting job of a lifetime with another perfectly phrased letter commending the pedigree of her recruiter’s dog. Ye s te rd ay, Fra n ce sca showed the News an email thread with God that began when she added Him to her professional network on LinkedIn. Her initial message cited key passages from the One True Word, and managed to project just the right balance of formality and friendliness. Over the course of the exchange, Francesca
effectively melted His heart, granting herself eternal sunshine after death. In fact, Francesca’s death has also been postponed, as she recently emailed the Reaper asking for short extension, citing the fact that “this past week has been pretty stressful” and that she would “really appreciate it if you would grant me a little more time so I could submit my best quality work.” Francesca’s inbox includes zero unread emails. Contact SAHIL GUPTA at sahil.gupta@yale.edu.
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We should go to Diego’s thing BY SAM SAVITZ STAFF REPORTER If Yale students are wondering what to do this Saturday night, we have an answer for them: We should all go to Diego’s thing. Reactions to Diego’s thing have been positive. “You guys should definitely come,” Diego said. Added the guy who’s doing the thing with Diego, “Yeah, it should be pretty dope.” Diego is having an improv show, or maybe an art exhibition. It could be a concert with his new band, we’re not entirely sure. But we definitely should all go to it. It will be happening at some point on Saturday night, after dinner so you don’t have to worry about that. We think it will be in the JE Theater, but it might not be. It’s definitely not at 216 Dwight. We’ll invite you to the Facebook event, it’s on there. We’re sure it will be fun! Diego’s a funny guy, and this thing is probably a funny thing, whatever it
is. We guarantee it won’t be like the last thing. Diego wasn’t even in charge then, some other dude was making all the decisions so it wasn’t Diego’s fault that it was so bad. It wasn’t even that bad really, it was just a little bit boring. And weird. Boring and weird. It’s only fair if we all go to Diego’s thing. He went to Anna’s thing that she had a couple weeks ago. He went to Abdul’s concert that he did with that one group. You know which one. He even went to Denzel’s show last week, and that one was rough. We should go, just to support him. You don’t even have to stay the whole time, you can just go for the beginning and then leave. Come on. We promised Diego we would let people know about his thing. It won’t be that bad. Diego’s thing will be happening at some point Saturday night, in a building somewhere on campus. Contact SAM SAVITZ at sam.savitz@yale.edu.
Corpy editors on strike BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER The Daily Record’s croppy editor team announced Monday that they will be striking until the newspaper’s editorial beard agrees to pay them sufficent wages. “It’s difficult to be both a fulltime studnet and a clopy editor,” said lead Cosby editor Ellen Choi ‘17. “With our responsibilities at the Recrod, most of us simply dont have time to held student jobs. So is it it really so unreasonable to suggest that we cronby editors deserve a fare wage?” However, the Redorc’s leadership intits it’s no plans to begin offer crodpiece editors financial conpensation. “We we all long hours,” was Ben Garfunkel “16, the Rreclord’s editor in-Chief. “Wht makes the consksadkfasdk editofsdaf spksdfajl;?” The Daly Reaaclooprd waas funasdknfdssdk;ljs daflksj ifgfjgklq sdilsadfjk43gt regoihjds TKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKT-
KTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKTKT 1872. Contact B ENJAMIN GARFINKEL at benjamin.garfinkel@yale.edu.
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MLB MLS This week’s been We fell behind pretty rough. and couldn’t
SPORTS QUICK HITS
SAMANTHA ALBERT ‘17 NOT SLEEPING Samatha Albert ‘17 delivered a sterling performance against two of her suitemates yesterday when she reported that she had only slept six hours in the past three days. The suitemates had previously been complaining about a late night preparing for a midterm when Albert entered the conversation.
“Horses drown easier than you’d think.”
HERBERT BARROWS ‘17 VARSITY DRESSAGE
NHL watch it all
BAD We’ll do better next time
“Horses drown easier than you’d think.”
RODNEY XIA ‘16 VARSITY SAILING THE YALE RECORD · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · yalerecord.org
FRANKEL ’18 EXACTS CRUSHING VICTORY BY LANE UNSWORTH STAFF REPORTER After suffering several major losses and an injury earlier in the season, Ted Frankel ’18 returned to the gym this Saturday, ready for vengeance. Frankel had been out for two weeks due to injury, after the bench press he did rendered his arms “too sore to, like, even move.” As Frankel stepped up to the elliptical, a hush fell over the fitness center. After a small hiccup at the five-minute mark where Frankel decided to walk it out for a little bit on the elliptical, Frankel was able to rally for a couple minutes and maintain his running pace. Frankel ran for a total of seven and a half minutes, breaking his previous record of roughly six minutes. When asked about Frankel’s workout, one spectator, Cindy Hoffman ‘17, said, “I figured he was going to try to make it all the way to 10 minutes, but I guess he got tired. Why you are asking me about this, though? Can I leave now? I need to take a shower.” Following a quick 10-minute water break, Frankel made a drive for the weights area, where he called a timeout for several minutes to contemplate his next play. After lifting up some of the dumbbells to test how heavy they were, he eventually opted for the two-pound weights. He then alternated between lifting the dumbbells over his head, lifting them out to his sides, and curling them toward his body in seemingly no order. Ben Walters ’17, who several anonymous sources described as “slightly jacked,” entered the weight area while Frankel was mid-rep. At this point Frankel nodded to Walters, apparently in acknowledgement of their shared love of lifting, and curled the weight up toward his shoulder, asserting to his opponent that he was not going to quit this early in the game.
FRANKEL
Frankel continued his pace with the two-pound weights until he felt that he had showed his dominance enough and flopped down on a yoga mat. Frankel then did eight crunches, although the Record has been asked by an anonymous source to round this total to 10. After completing his “10 crunches,” Frankel then closed out the workout by stretching what he called “his hammies.” This signature stretch consisted of several failed attempts to touch his toes.
I’d like to dedicate this workout to my mom, who’s always encouraged me to not agitate my family’s history of ankle problems, which she calls “the Frankel Cankle.”
TED FRANKEL ’18 Undefeated gymgoer
“I’d like to dedicate this workout to my mom, who’s always encouraged me to not agitate my family’s history of ankle problems, which she calls ‘the Frankel Cankle’,” said Frankel when asked for comment. Frankel also took the opportunity to announce that he has another workout scheduled for tomorrow, where he plans to take down the undefeated Stairmaster. “Although, I just remembered I have that essay, so maybe I’ll just have to go the day after,” he then added. “I don’t want to exhaust myself.” The human body contains 640 muscles. Contact LANE UNSWORTH at lane.unsworth@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Frankel momentarily gives this machine his all.
Bulldogs beat Dartmouth in overtime BY JAKE HOUSTON STAFF REPORTER The Bulldogs secured a victory last week over Dartmouth, defeating them 38 - 35 in overtime. The Elis overtook the Big Green after scoring a field goal with 4:45 left on the clock. This marked the third win for Yale this season, the first in four weeks. “It was great to see the ol’ Boola Boola take home the gold this weekend,” said head coach Tony Reno. “The Big Bountiful Blue came away with the win after a disappointing defeat against Princeton last week. They used every trick in the book to beat the Ghastly Greenmen: We saw some Pick-6s, Snatch-42s, and Double-Ended Mega-9 Turnarounds by the end of the matchup.” Reno concluded by saying that the Boys in Blue showed
their best performance so far this season. The Bow-Wow Brigade’s comeback in the late innings left many fans inspired. “I’ve taken my Five Beautiful Sons, each one better and more beautiful than the last, to see the Woof-Woof Warriors since the day they were all born within minutes of each other,” said New Haven resident and lifelong Yale fan Derrel Hodgekins. “My children simultaneously uttered tortured screams of delight with their golden voices every time the Elihu Endzone Elites scored a Super Seven-Pointer in the Promised Land.” The Yale Yard-Gainers face the Brown Bears in Providence next weekend. Contact JAKE HOUSTON at jake.houston@yale.edu.
CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
The Grotesque Greens pound the field with their feet, but they’re no match for the Cromulent Canines.
STAT OF THE DAY 5
THIS IS THE NUMBER OF SPORTS THERE ARE. The sports are soccer, football, horses, American football, and beyblades. These are all the sports.