Dr. Deena Stacer

Photos by Roxanne Morganti

THE ART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

By Judith A. Habert

When a family is in crisis Dr. Deena Stacer is the one that is called in to help. Doctor Deena, as her clients call her, handles high conflict resolution for families during one of the toughest periods in their lives. Divorce does not just affect the husband and wife, but often has a profound effect on their children as well. When there appears to be no easy way to solve these issues among themselves, it is Dr. Deena who is called upon to bring a healthy and peaceful resolution to the situation.

Deena attended San Diego State University, where she obtained her teaching credential, for grades K through 12th. She then went on to get her social sciences degree with an emphasis in child development. She earned her master’s in counseling and leadership. Wanting to be as knowledgeable as possible, she decided to earn her PhD in Conflict Resolution, through a program at Pacific Western University of Hawaii.

I asked Deena if she planned to go into her current profession. “I would never have designed my life to be a high conflict expert. I remember saying to my long-time mentor, Fred Stemen, “Why am I doing such painful work with families?” He said, “Look Deena, if you can solve the highest levels of problems for people, then it is easy to help people solve the smallest levels of conflict.” Later, I realized he was so right. I have taken on really high conflict custody disputes, and in some cases the fights had been going on for more than five years. This is just an awful situation for the children. In most of these instances, I have been able to settle the conflict down and get the children out of the middle.”

I asked Dr. Stacer how she manages to resolve what often appears to be an unresolvable situation.

“What I have found over the years is that there is usually one of the two parents who wants to stop the fight. They just don’t know how. I coach parents the scripts, stories, and strategies to help them focus first on being emotionally available for their children. As the parent applies what they are learning, their children respond with love and gratitude because they are finally getting their parent’s attention. The parent begins to feel closer to their children at the same time. As the parent gets emotionally rewarded by their child’s love, they build more powerful connections to them. Suddenly, the parent finds it is much easier to stop negatively reacting to the other parent and the desire to continue their feud wanes. It is a magical solution.”

Some of Deena’s back story explains how she is able to be so effective, “I went through my own high conflict divorce with three small children. I was so scared and frustrated. I didn’t know how to stop the conflict and I didn’t know how to be emotionally present for my children. The fighting lasted for about seven years. At that time, no one understood high conflict custody cases. Court professionals were just as lost as the parents. I had to learn how to end the conflict myself. I had to learn how to become emotionally present for my children again. My mentor, Fred Stemen and I had to keep trying different strategies until we found the ones that worked. There was a lot of trial and error. I went through conflict in the early 80’s. There was no research published yet. There was no internet to look for answers. This was a brand new frontier. Eventually, we started figuring out what worked. I applied the new skills and scripts that worked. I calmed down. I stopped being afraid of my ex. I was able to completely end the conflict because of what I learned. I became a better parent. I saved my children from permanent emotional damage. In 1997, I started the first high conflict coparenting class in San Diego County for the Family Law Court. I was one of the first parenting educators to teach high conflict coparenting classes globally. I have traveled to Hong Kong and have continued to teach the skills and concepts to help families end their conflict. I offer classes online and through Zoom to help parents around the globe learn the same strategies and stories that will work for them.” https://www. coparentingsecrets.com/

Deena explained to me that not only is she dealing with the conflict between the parents; she is also helping the parents to manage the anxiety that results from the conflict. “What most parents don’t realize is that anxiety

is always created whenever these parents have contact or communicate with each other. It takes a minimum of three days for each parent to calm down after every interaction with the other person. I help parents learn how to control the contact and the communication with the other parent to calm down.”

“I teach a concept I call “The Trustline.” Working with hundreds of high conflict couples, I have discovered that one of the parents was raised in a totally trusting environment. As a baby, the family met all of their needs. As a result, they became totally trusting people. They learned to be nurturing, and by two years of age, they developed the neuro connections in their brain to develop a conscience. These people also learned to be caring, compassion, responsible, respectful, and nurturing. They are driven by love to help others. Unfortunately, the other parent was raised in a completely different environment filled with chaos, confusion, and conflict. They did not get their needs met as a baby. They did not develop the neuro connections to form a conscience. They did not get the neuro connectors to become a respectful, responsible, and emotionally intelligent person. They do not have the ability to be nurturing or caring. These distrusting people are driven to survive. They use manipulation of others to get their needs met. When these two diverse people get together and have children, they will have conflict because of their core beliefs. When they break up, their conflict will include custody battles over the children.”

What Deena has to do is to help the trusting parent learn to stop trying to get the other parent to change and accept they will not be able to work together. The trusting parent has to understand that they are the only ones who can take their children out of the middle. They are the only ones who can help their children to become resilient, confident, and well-adjusted. It is up to the trusting parent to end the fight and save the children.

This concept is revolutionary, since most professionals in the court system still insist that parents must learn to work together to get along. These parents actually need a giant time out from each other not time together!”

This experience of being in such a terrible battle over the children was enough to drive Deena to continue doing extensive research and keep honing her craft. She wanted to help other women to get through the same struggle she had to endure when her first marriage ended. Deena is driven to be the best at what she does. Her biggest reward is that “the kids get a chance to have a normal life.” “I believe that the painful journey of my own divorce and custody conflict happened for a reason; it allowed me to help other families going through the same thing.”

In addition to the amazing work that Deena does, she

has another love, which she began in 1979 when she obtained her real estate license. “I grew up with my grandpa doing real estate, and I was so intrigued by it. So, I decided to get my license. I did a little bit of real estate and then I stopped to have my children. I came back to real estate in 2002 and immediately earned my broker's license. Real estate is often filled with high emotion, especially when families are sometimes torn apart after the loss of a family member or a divorce when a battle ensues regarding the distribution of assets.

Deena is often called in to help with these complicated real estate transactions due to a conflictual divorce or probate case. Her expertise in conflict resolution is a perfect fit for real estate transactions too. Deena can lessen her client’s stress levels by helping them with this process as well. A lot of the negotiating skills and conflict resolution methods used in her profession are invaluable while negotiating properties for her real estate clients. https:// drdeenahomes.com/

I had to ask Deena how she de-stresses when she is in such an intense profession. “My husband is in an equally stressful field, he is a divorce attorney, so we both love to travel and try new adventures. I love to laugh and have fun too. Most of all, I love to play with our two adorable grandchildren, these are the things that make me happy and give me so much joy.”

Deena and her husband use their individual skills and talents to offer another level of care to those people going through divorce. “We offer free workshops twice a month for anyone who has legal questions related to divorce, custody, and family law issues. https://www.stacerlaw.com/ workshop/

It is obvious when you meet Deena that she deeply cares about all of her clients. She is probably one of the most caring individuals I have ever met, and she brings this into everything she does. If you are struggling with conflict in your life, I cannot think of anyone who would be a better fit to help bring peace to your life. You can reach Deena Stacer at 858-229-8072, or by email at Doc@DeenaStacer.com