Photos by Roxanne Morganti
Women of Distinction
Dr. Deena Stacer
THE ART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION By Judith A. Habert
W
hen a family is in crisis Dr. Deena Stacer is the one that is called in to help. Doctor Deena, as her clients call her, handles high conflict resolution for families during one of the toughest periods in their lives. Divorce does not just affect the husband and wife, but often has a profound effect on their children as well. When there appears to be no easy way to solve these issues among themselves, it is Dr. Deena who is called upon to bring a healthy and peaceful resolution to the situation. Deena attended San Diego State University, where she
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obtained her teaching credential, for grades K through 12th. She then went on to get her social sciences degree with an emphasis in child development. She earned her master’s in counseling and leadership. Wanting to be as knowledgeable as possible, she decided to earn her PhD in Conflict Resolution, through a program at Pacific Western University of Hawaii. I asked Deena if she planned to go into her current profession. “I would never have designed my life to be a high conflict expert. I remember saying to my long-time
mentor, Fred Stemen, “Why am I doing such painful work with families?” He said, “Look Deena, if you can solve the highest levels of problems for people, then it is easy to help people solve the smallest levels of conflict.” Later, I realized he was so right. I have taken on really high conflict custody disputes, and in some cases the fights had been going on for more than five years. This is just an awful situation for the children. In most of these instances, I have been able to settle the conflict down and get the children out of the middle.” I asked Dr. Stacer how she manages to resolve what often appears to be an unresolvable situation. “What I have found over the years is that there is usually one of the two parents who wants to stop the fight. They just don’t know how. I coach parents the scripts, stories, and strategies to help them focus first on being emotionally available for their children. As the parent applies what they are learning, their children respond with love and gratitude because they are finally getting their parent’s attention. The parent begins to feel closer to their children at the same time. As the parent gets emotionally rewarded by their child’s love, they build more powerful connections to them. Suddenly, the parent finds it is much easier to stop negatively reacting to the other parent and the desire to continue their feud wanes. It is a magical solution.” Some of Deena’s back story explains how she is able to be so effective, “I went through my own high conflict divorce with three small children. I was so scared and frustrated. I didn’t know how to stop the conflict
and I didn’t know how to be emotionally present for my children. The fighting lasted for about seven years. At that time, no one understood high conflict custody cases. Court professionals were just as lost as the parents. I had to learn how to end the conflict myself. I had to learn how to become emotionally present for my children again. My mentor, Fred Stemen and I had to keep trying different strategies until we found the ones that worked. There was a lot of trial and error. I went through conflict in the early 80’s. There was no research published yet. There was no internet to look for answers. This was a brand new frontier. Eventually, we started figuring out what worked. I applied the new skills and scripts that worked. I calmed down. I stopped being afraid of my ex. I was able to completely end the conflict because of what I learned. I became a better parent. I saved my children from permanent emotional damage. In 1997, I started the first high conflict coparenting class in San Diego County for the Family Law Court. I was one of the first parenting educators to teach high conflict coparenting classes globally. I have traveled to Hong Kong and have continued to teach the skills and concepts to help families end their conflict. I offer classes online and through Zoom to help parents around the globe learn the same strategies and stories that will work for them.” https://www. coparentingsecrets.com/ Deena explained to me that not only is she dealing with the conflict between the parents; she is also helping the parents to manage the anxiety that results from the conflict. “What most parents don’t realize is that anxiety
