CONNECT: FEELING GOOD? (Spring 2022)

BY HIS GRACE BY ANDREA ROBINSON

In December 2014, for all those observing from the outside, I looked like I had it together. But, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I’d go to work, do my job, then come home and cry at the smallest things. My thoughts were all over the place and I literally felt like I was falling apart.

SEEKING HELP

I frantically searched Psychology Today to find a therapist — someone, anyone — to help me process this craziness inside of me. I had tried therapy before and had a good experience, however the therapist retired and I didn’tcomplete the work I needed to do. I tried again and did not feel a connection, so I went on about the business of doing life.

Unfortunately, there came a point when the coping skills I’d relied upon stopped working. That is where I found myself in 2014, spiraling out of control and feeling as if I couldn’t manage.

As I was reading therapist introductions on Psychology Today, one profile stood out and I called her immediately to set-up an appointment. She didn’t take my insurance and her office was 45 minutes away, but I didn’t care about the cost or distance. I needed help and I needed it right away.

JOURNEY TO HEALING

My first few sessions, all I did was cry. How she understood anything I was saying was a mystery to me.

Despite my tears, through the next few sessions I managed to share the story of how I grew up in inner city Baltimore, MD. I was the youngest, but never knew what that really meant. I had two older brothers who weren’t there for me, and parents who were caught up in their own stuff and who were in survival mode to provide a secure foundation. I hold no ill will; it was what it was.

My role for most of my life had been to make sure everyone else was ok, follow the rules, and do well in school. As long as I was performing and doing what everyone expected of me, I thought I was good. This eventually became my undoing in so many areas of my life.

From 2014–2016, I worked with my therapist pretty consistently, trying to understand family dynamics, which had turned into friend dynamics, and eventually into marriage dynamics. Through counseling, I learned to say “No” without apology or justification. I saw how I had been easily manipulated by those who claimed to care about me. I realized that for family members and friends, I gave too many chances to folks who either thought I didn’t have feelings or simply didn’t care as long as their needs were met. In hindsight, I can’t blame them completely because I was out of touch with me.

I ended therapy in October 2016, having worked through many issues and after resigning myself to stay in my marriage. I was tired but felt I had made a commitment and wasn’t going to walk away. Nothing tragic was going on, it just felt like my marriage wasn’t working.

Then I found out why it wasn’t working...

INTO DARKNESS

A week after walking out of my therapist’s office for what I thought was the last time, I found out my then-husband was having sex with random men. I would love to say he came out to me, but that was not the case. When faced with the truth, he offered no explanation or apology, he simply filed for divorce.

This moved me from my place of almost peace to a place of darkness. The place of darkness did not come because I was so in love, it came because of the lies, betrayal, shame, embarrassment, and disrespect; as well as the fear of possible infection. One important thing about me is that my faith is strong, so I spoke these words to my Father, “I know I am going to get through this, because You are with me.” And He was.

I waited until January 2017 to restart therapy, mainly because I wanted it to be about me and not about what my ex had done. Because this was my second divorce, I felt that at the end of the day I was the common denominator. I needed to understand why I was making the choices I’d made and how the hell my life had turned into a Lifetime movie.

FINDING MY JOY

I became intentional about my healing. I worked with my therapist for eight solid months to uncover how I got there, to learn to set boundaries, and to fully look at myself and my “mess.” I chose not to date for a year, tried it for two seconds, then didn’t date again for another year.

I joined a Divorce Recovery group at my church. I became open to going places I enjoyed by myself. I found YANASISTERS and the women reminded me I was never alone. I took chances with trying new things. I got to know me.

The reality was I had been in relationships for most of my adult life, so I needed the time and space to find out who I was and what I wanted. Was it lonely and scary at times? Absolutely.

I was 50 years old when that journey started. And now, six years later, I’m still learning, but I’m loving the woman I’m becoming. I have my joy, I have my peace, and I’m learning to put myself first.

So, how do you find light after the darkness, joy after sadness, peace after chaos? You’ve heard it said the only way out is through. Sorry to disappoint, but it’s true, there is no short-cut to healing. Sometimes, in order to get to the place you want to be, you have to go through.

By His Grace, I went through the darkness and came out into this wonderful life.