CONNECT: FEELING GOOD? (Spring 2022)

One morning not long ago, I woke up to a monochromatic day, although the sun shined brightly. A feeling of heaviness and pain fluttered my body. Tears rolled down my cheeks for no other reason than the depression had returned. The beginning of a new episode. As I lay in my bed, I simply said, “thank you” to God because although I knew I was in for a rough patch, I also knew I would get through.

I knew I would have to go into battle mode, but the thought of the fight only gave me more anxiety. I hated this feeling. For the moment, I closed my eyes and stayed in bed. I was not ready just yet, so I slept the day away. Maybe it was just a one-off day, and tomorrow the feeling would not be a second thought. Unfortunately, the depression remained.

It is not easy blocking and dodging the blows depression throws. Each time I experience depressive episodes, I fear that if I do not get out of the darkness, I will go deeper into a place I never want to be. But I am grateful for the pain, fear, and anxiety because they also give me the strength to do the work. The fear encourages me to pick up the phone and call my best friends or call my doctor for an appointment. The pain gets me out the bed to go sit with someone. The anxiety reminds me to take my medication when I do not want to lift my head from the pillow. When depression consumes me as it sometimes does, I am intentional about doing the work to get back to a great space, and here is where depression meets the bravest me.

My doctor helps me to be intentional by giving me self-care assignments. It’s amazing how doing simple things can help me feel better. The little things like doing my hair or going to the nail salon, something I had not done in months, aid my recovery towards happiness. I am not saying that when I do these things, I automatically feel better, but they at least give me a little encouragement and energy to keep going.

Again, I do not want it to sound like I jumped up and BOOM, I was back. Nope! In fact, I washed my hair one day and left it standing on top of my head for the next four days.

I only had the energy to do one little thing at a time. Read a page, turn over and go to sleep, shower, and go back to bed. Eat one bite of pasta, put my plate on the nightstand and pull the covers over my head. I believed that if I did one small thing a day, I would do a little more the next day. However, I would not beat myself up over what I didn’t get done, nor would I do absolutely nothing. We don’t choose to be miserable, at least most people do not, but sometimes life throws heartbreaking situations in our paths. When I’m faced with those monochromatic days, I’m willing to at least take the small steps that eventually lead to more significant steps and keep going until I’m back on the happiness track.

Transparency plays a crucial role in bringing back my joy. No matter what I am dealing with, I know the one thing that can hinder healing is having to add layers of fiction. I’m a firm believer that you can’t heal what you don’t reveal. Not everyone needs to know what I am going through, just the right people. Being honest with my doctors and therapist is essential. Sharing my story with others or telling people how I got through is therapeutic. It allows me to revisit where I was and how I made it over to where I am. Many people hide or hold back what they are going through, and many end up not making it. That is not my story, so I share, write, and am honest.

Each year I choose a word representing what I want the year to be. For 2022, my word is “progress.” So, in everything I do this year, I celebrate, however big or small. In my depressive state, if I take a shower that day or simply read one page of a book, I tell myself I have made progress. It is the first step to overcoming and defeating the joy stealers, whatever they may be. There is nothing worse than believing negative self-talk. Every little step towards a better day should be acknowledged.

I never know when the next episode will happen, but I know that I am ready to fight. As long as I fight, I’m on my way to winning, and that is what I call progress.