The
Underworld Archives 826michigan-115 East Liberty Street-Ann Arbor, MI 48104-www.826michigan.org
Friday, December 13, 2013. Volume I. Issue I.
Breaking News
It’s Been a Wonderful Day in Human Evolution Will Mcgaughy- 18 UA Teen Reporter
Just recently discovered, the government secretly funded a project to study and cause the undead to have a “suppressed” personality, meaning that the undead show dramatically decreased levels of aggression and/ or desire for fully healthy human
flesh. Further testing and experiments concluded that the undead could understand
simple human speech, like telling them to: go in a direction, sit, and/or many other types of commands.
Zombie Update Will Mcgaughy- 18 UA Teen Reporter
Further studies have shown that the scientists were able to manipulate an undead’s brain to communicate with healthy humans. Although their speech is very incoherent, they were able to have conversations about their memories, which could open up a new discussion about whether the
undead could have normal memory functions and other functions working well in their brains. It’s amazing that we have come a long way in the studies of human evolution and how we can now manipulate the dead for better or worse, but this means that we will only keep advancing in human sciences. May the future be bright.
Overlord Vladov Markis is Kidnapped
corded the beheading of Sir Alles Rayne (his O v e r l o r d chosen double). Vladov Markis has The leader of the been attacked by a group was capsecret cult-like or- tured by Legion ganization: Sons soldiers. of Betrayal. When asked They kid- what his death napped and re- wish was, he asked Button- 17 UA Teen Reporter
for a press conference and had this to say: “Why bow to one man when our world depends on the cooperation of all beings and creatures?” When asked how he felt he said, “I feel like we
ask for more than we are willing to give. We depend on each other but won’t help each other, and put our faith in people who can’t help.” Vladov replied, “He is right.” Vladov resigned
his throne in hopes that we really can treat each other as family instead of as “bunkmates.” As for the cult, however, it has been disbanded until further work is needed.
Features
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Dis c ove r y o f N ew S peci es Changes Education System Rankings first). They should not be judged in the species they were born in, but We have disactual test scores. covered a new The vampires Welcome species that is still are immortal and Back alive. After thoutheir mental storFairies! sands of years beage is much vaster lieving that they’re than most species, extinct, the fairies but there could be are alive. something wrong T h e y ’ r e with the vampire’s ranked third in brain, so that that the educational to fourth. The ed- to the fact that could be smart- vampire could not system, pushing ucational system a witch (who is er than a vampire be as smart as an the giants down is messed up due ranked second) (who is ranked advanced witch.
Brandy Mohacsi- 16 UA Teen Reporter
Supernatural Fashion for Females Brandy Mohacsi- 16 UA Teen Reporter
Fashion for the supernatural is different than fashion for mortals. Fairies adapt really well to the season. For the winter season, the fairy females have white dresses that have fabrics over them so that they
glimmer and create a snowflake look. For the witches, it’s almost like the fairies, only they have a black base against the same fabric in the fairy’s dress. For the vampire girl there is more Victorian-meets-modern-world, in the colors red and black.
Fun
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Fashion Facts
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Fairies are the most innocent creatures out there, so they will go for the lighter colors. Witches are a mixture of both innocent and not, so they will go for more neutral colors. Vampires are more demonic, so they will go for the bolder colors.
Features
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Ask Harper and Akari
Horoscopes
Brandy Mohacsi- 16 Celia Shroeder- 16 UA Teen Reporter UA Teen Reporter
Dear Harper and Akari:
Poke out their eyes and put Akari, them into a jar. I need to buy They won’t have a my snobby moth- choice but to look er-in-law a gift for at you! Christmas. What arper: Ignore should I get her? Akari. Just be -Zombie Sally yourself . . . and maybe contacts.
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Akari:
Angel Ford- 16 UA Teen Reporter Brandy Mohacsi- 16 UA Teen Reporter
Aries
March 21 - April 19 For you Aries, lady luck is on your side! You will be seeing Kolatiuns all around bringing good fortune and positive vibes.
Chop off Taurus April 20 - May 20 her nose and give ear Harper and it back! Zombies Akari, Be careful, X chrodon’t need them. mosomes are acharper: Get a People can- ing for an attitude bucket of slime not see me! I try problem. Sprinkle and dump it on to gain their at- pixies’ tears to balher. See how snob- tention by flicker- ance out the emoby she is after that. ing the lights and tional stress. moving the furniture. They only Gemini ear Harper and yell, “Ghost!” and May 21 - June 20 Akari, run. What do I do? Be wary of the -Invisible Girl people who are As Meduborn around this sa, I cannot get kari: Possess date. They carry a guys to look me in the eyes! I them. They can’t very deadly virus. even use makeup. ignore you then! What should I do? Cancer arper: I agree. June 21 - July 22 -Medusa Possess them.
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May be your work,
or your school, but Sagittarius you’ll be in good Nov 22 - Dec 21 graces today. Your big day is coming soon, so Leo July 23 - Aug 22 be wary of surprises around the Don’t go into the corner. woods by yourself; you’re not ready Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 to face the tiger of your nightmare. Don’t go into the woods in the next Virgo few weeks. There Aug 23 - Sep 22 are creatures who Maybe you’ll see might want to k i l l a long-lost friend/ you. family member, Aquarius but be wary. Don’t Jan 20 - Feb 18 let them into your life; they might Aquarius has a have a secret agen- frosty bite this da. week. They don’t know anything Libra will happen, but Sep 23 - Oct 22 you never know Be careful around with them. the Libs. They are Pisces mentally and emoFeb 19 - March 20 tionally unstable. Don’t go swimming. You might Oct 23 - Nov 21 just get trapped Don’t eat too much in ice and surtoday because you’ll vive, then t h a w probably end up y e a r s l a t e r . e x p l o d i n g tomorrow.
Scorpio
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Sports
World Cup Semi-Finals Recap scoring until Team USA Seeker James Tomas was able The Quidto wrap his hands ditch World Cup around the Snitch Semi-Finals took at center pit. place this past The next weekend in Mount semi-final game Olympus, Greece, between Germawhere the Quafny and Russia fles, Bludgers, brought much and Golden more vioSnitches were “It soon became an lence to the intense battle in pit, startflying through the Quidditch the pit with neither ing early pitches. when Gerteam scoring . . . ” The openman Captain ing match of the Hine Himday hosted Team captain, Weas- mlick bludgered USA, captained ley, throwing the Russian Chaser by James Tomas, Quaffle over Keep- Viktor Chevchanup against Team er Micah Wood’s kov in the back of Britain, captained right shoulder the head, sending by Hugo Weasley. to make it a one- him plummetTeam USA struck point lead for Brit- ing to the turf. early taking a 10-0 ain. It soon be- Chevchankov was lead. Team Britain came an intense treated on-scene quickly answered battle in the pit and transported with a score of with neither team to the local hospiShawn Helton- 18 UA Teen Reporter
their own after some slick flying by outside Chaser Daniel Ericcson through the Team USA Beaters to put 10 up on the board for Team Britain. Five minutes later it was the
tal. No word on his condition. Russia quickly answered with a score by Captain Vladimir Chreznov after intercepting a pass from Germany’s Himmlick shortly after Germany answered three times over with a score from each of the team’s Chas-
ers. Russia ended up winning after they grabbed the Golden Snitch in dramatic fashion in front of the scorers’ table. Team USA will meet Team Russia atop Mount Olympus on the first day of the new year in this historic firsttime meeting.
A m er i ca n a n d Bra z i l i a n Socce r U p s e t s Button- 17 UA Teen Reporter
The Mexico Flaimbows had a terrifyingly brutal match against the former champs, the US Pastries. The Pastries led the first half of the
game 4-0. In the second half, Vicente Fox scored the final goal by a—first ever—full-field goal. The final score was 4-11. In a nice change of events, Ireland’s very own
Faeries wiped the floor with the Brazil Elves, 20-0. The whole game was non-stop destruction. Chase McGaughy scored the winning goal in an ironic accident. Bravo Nandez had the ball,
but slipped; Chase tripped right over and made him kick the ball straight into the net. Talk about the nice luck the Irish have. Meanwhile, the Russian Yeteye had a close game against Britain’s
Minions with a 3-2 game. This one went on for three hours before Victor Reznov yelled, “No more!” then kicked the ball so hard it broke the sound barrier almost instantly.
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Sports
Phoenix and Monster Figure Skating Series Manticore Domination
1. Johnny Fangway Celia Shroeder- 16 2. Camel Tamagutu UA Teen Reporter 3. Erriee Vampire Dreamer These are the 4. Hungry qualifying skating battles for cham In the pairs, pionships. In the who also happened world of monster to be in the brain figure skating, accident, they lost a these are the monteam who was comsters who skated peting. Therefore, in the Monster the two teams that Prix series. did make it were: In the realm of singular skater 1. Blonde Crazyball/ ladies, these are Brown Hair the ladies who Camel placed when they 2. Fang Phonexi/ skated in the MonLevi Casadea ster Prix Finals: The dance 1. Fallin Deeply teams that did go 2. Mao Slippery off to finals were: 3. Coral Fin 4. Invisible Voice 1. Crazy Cocky 5. Frankin Lova Fuzzball & 6. Lyra Pixie Dolly Pixie 7. Demonic Syrien 2. Afro Bone Man 8. Will Silentten & Short Mantacore 9. Singing Parra 3. Medusa Silver 10. Cage Lincoln & Cerburus 11. Slimy Eye 12. Scrah Fangway 4. Head Evil Lucifer & Head In the men’s Good Mary monster prix, most were killed in a brain 5. Minotaur Horn & Cutie Kitty accident. However, the four who 6. Pitt Dog & Impy Gold competed were:
Zedburgh slammed Detroit’s Webb into the boards, which R e i g n i n g triggered a fight bechampion Detroit tween Webb and Phoenix hosted the Zedburgh. Webb Chicago Krakens. prevailed and both The Krakens struck players received a early in the fourth one-game suspenminute of the first sion for continuing period with a three- the fight after the foot backhand from referee stopped the James Crane. The fight. Phoenixes answered In the third peeight minutes later riod, Crane scored with a 20 foot slapshot from Walter Horseman. T h e second period brought much more excitement in the first minute. on misdirection in Joss Webb wailed a front of the goal. slapshot from fifty The Phoenixes won feet over the right 3-2 to open a sevshoulder of Chicago en-game home goalie William Todd. stand. Next game Three minutes lat- the Phoenixes will er, Detroit went on welcome the Atlanta a power play where Manticores. Horseman nailed a The Atlanta wrist shot from eight Manticores hosted feet through the legs the Oakland Wizof Todd, and final- ards in a battle of the ly, in the nineteenth unbeatens between minute, Chicago’s the east and central Shawn Helton- 18 UA Teen Reporter
division. The Wizards held a 1-0 goal lead over the Manticores heading into the second period. Five minutes into the second period, the Manticores captain hit an eight-foot snap shot over the shoulder of Wizards goalie Ellsworth, the star rookie from Monsters Tech who had only allowed two goals previous to tonight’s game. Five minutes later, the Manicores’ Ellington scored on a breakaway. The Manticores’ two goals from Ellington held up and they beat Oakland 2-1. Next up the unbeaten Manticores head to Detroit to take on the whitehot Phoenix. Historically Atlanta hasn’t fared so hot when facing Detroit in the past decade.
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Miscellaneous
Spooky Word Search
Can you find these words? Vampire Zombie Underworld Fangs Dragon Styx Hades Ghouls
Weekly Weather
Monday, six minutes after sundown, weird stones fell from the sky. Meteorologists say it was hail, but cities all over the western coastline are destroyed. Coincidentally, the eastern coastline froze over. The temperature dropped to -120°c. Currently most harbors around the country are shut down and helping to find survivors. Anyone hoping for their packages will be sadly disappointed.
Monday
40° 25°
Tuesday
120° 75°
DUNGEON AND CASTLES FOR SALE
Quiet alien living. One dungeon right between Ypsilanti and Belleville with a view of the Belleville lake. UNDEAD SKILL TRAINING
Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 75° 50°
Wednesday
Extreme sun (Meatballs may fry) Thursday
70° 49°
Nighttime meteor showers
Locust storm Friday
80° 50°
Sunny
Weather report courtsey of Button. Classified advertisements courtsey of Brandy Mohacsi. Photos courtesy of Florida Clipart, 123rf.com, and other free stock sites.
Now hiring undead skill trainer to work oneon-one with the local zombies to help keep their limbs attached. HEAD WIZARD The Department of Wizard Casting is now accepting applications for Head Wizard for 2013-3013. Deadline for the application is December 23rd, 2013. Help keep a vampire undead. A blood donor is needed. -No cursed blood -Ages between 1,000-3,000 -Office is located in the sewer -Qualified donors will be financially compensated $5,000 Need to know your future? Call a gypsy! Anti-vampire spray, crosses, stakes Just because it’s getting cold outside doesn’t mean your body needs to!
Underworld Archive Editors: Sarah Pauling and Ashley Hardin; UA Layout Design: Jill Epstein