YoMoYaMa online magazine Editor in Chief Molly Conner
Associate Editors Shannon Lough and Tonya Kneff
Layout and Design Daniel Pierce
Cover Design Daniel Pierce
Website Design Sabbi Topal
Contributors Anonymous (x3) Sarah Anderson Mademoiselle Sassy Bell Sorin Ridgeway Browne Molly Conner Dirty Girl
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Z. Hoel Emma Pierce Jared Nicholas Aaron McKay Monica Pace Sabbi Topal Paul Yoo
Dear Readers,
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Things may get sweaty in summer, but they get dirty in winter. It’s both a survival tactic and a point of pride. We clean one room in the house because that’s the room the heater is in. We dry our clothes under the kotatsu, even though we know we’re not supposed to. We sweat on the slopes, make messes in the kitchen, and come back from winter vacations in southeast Asia with travel stories so unclean that most of this issue’s contributors weren’t willing to sign their names to them. These are our war stories, if the battle we fight is against a cold, hard winter. We collect and trade them because they serve as a reminder that even though the night is cold, the people going through it with you are anything but. Be sure to stock up on those mikans, Molly
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Contents 4 EVENTS
Finance
The Putrid Practices of Payday Loan Centers by Nick McKay Send a Kid to College: volunteerAKITA
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Special Feature: Dirty Living
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Dirty Winter Living by Emma Pierce My Pred Left <i>What?</i> by Molly Conner
Travel
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The Dirty South Nights in Iida by Jared The Dirtiest Things I’ve Seen Abroad
Special Feature: Remember Your Tissues!
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Oh Thank God They Have Limes by Z. Hoel To Taiwan, With Horror An Idiot’s Guide to Shitting in the Woods
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Creative Writing
Up the Country by Sorin Ridgeway-Browne Child by Sarah Anderson It Smells Rather the Same by Monica Pace Diary of a Dirty Girl
38 Literature
Down and Dirty with Jane Austin by Sabbi Topal
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Lifestyle
Pole: The New Dirty Dancing by Mademoiselle Sassy Bell
Final Thoughts
Dirty vs. Dirty Work for Yomoyama!
AJET Ski Trip! What: Join AJET in tearing up the slopes for a weekend of fun! Place: Myoko Kogen Date/Time: February 3-5 Cost: Approx. 20,000yen Price includes: Lift pass for 3 days, lodging, 2 breakfasts, 2 dinners, onsen and manga cafe access. Gear will be available for rent at an extra cost (1000~1500yen). Don’t want to take nenkyu or can’t make it until Friday evening? That’s okay! This is a great deal and spots will go fast! Keep an eye out for RSVP and down payment deadlines through AJET emails and the Onelist to reserve yourself a spot!
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Frozen Waterfall Festival What: The Saku/Ueda Nagayes. Come see the San Taiki Frozen Waterfall Festival, and participate in a food-stand cook off with your block! Accommodation is available at a European style log cabin (complete with sauna), seated in front of a frozen pond! Date/Time: February 18-19th. Festival starts at 10 a.m. on the 19th. Cost: 5000 for the cabin, the festival is free. More info: Email s.a.lough@gmail.com or visit http://www.facebook. com/events/344014962293462/
5 Photo by Daniel Pierce
The Putrid Practices of Payday Loan Centers o this magazine’s theme is dirty, huh? Well it seems that dirty is a proper theme for what I will be addressing in this issue. For most people, finance has come to have a dirty connotation to it. Finance is like a double-edged sword, or to use a Game of Thrones reference, “a sword without a hilt.” Used properly, it
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can be of great benefit; used improperly, it can really screw you up. There are definitely some dirty finance practices out there, most of which prey upon desperation and lack of a financial education. The dirtiest ones that I can think of are the practices employed by payday loan centers. These guys, the Check Cities and Mr. Moneys out there, make me feel dirty whenever I see them. I feel like I would be protecting public health and safety by driving by and chucking homemade pipe bombs strapped to bricks through their windows. I feel sad for the people that I see walking into these loan centers and feel uneasy inside just thinking about the possibility of being desperate enough to consider using them. The worst thing about these establishments is that they are perfectly legal. They in no way violate any laws. Morality is not an issue for them, as they know they are sticking it to everyone they can...again, through legal means. Why do they make me feel so dirty? It’s the ridiculous interest rates they charge their customers. Nowadays, I believe the average is around 500%! This is absolutely ridiculous if you know how it affects your financial situation. If you were bad off before taking out a payday loan, you will almost certainly be worse off in a month or two. These companies, in my opinion, are designed to suck you dry. Let’s peer into the life a fictional character, Mr. Suwa Ina, to see how this process might play out. Mr. Suwa Ina is not very responsible with his money. He doesn’t create a budget and likes to live a lavish lifestyle, regardless of the cost. One month, Mr. Suwa Ina realizes that he has been living a little bit crazier than normal and with ten days left until payday discovers he has no more cash. What does he do? Well, he decides a $700 loan will suffice. He reasons that he will take out this loan, live a little less crazy, and pay it off the following month with the money left over from his “belt-tightening” measures.
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He walks into Check City and within moments of meeting with a loan-officer is approved for his loan. After all, the man makes $3,000 a month. A loan of only 23% of his monthly salary? He should be more than able to pay that off within the month, right? Well, maybe. Let’s look at how this 500% interest will affect Mr. Suwa Ina. Uber-rosy situation first. Let’s assume Mr. Suwa Ina gets a financial education, realizes the horror of his mistake, and decides it is in his best interest to pay the loan off in ten days rather than forty. Financial institutions charge a daily interest rate, or APR (Annual Percentage Rate). So what is 500% interest per year when you are being charged interest daily? Divide 500% by 365 days... Yearly Interest
Days/Year
500%
365
Daily Interest Interest/Day 1.37%
Holy crap! 1.37% a day? That may sound like chump change to you but payday centers are counting on that. Keep two very important things in mind at this stage. 1.37% on a $700 loan is $9.59 after day one ($700 * 0.0137 = $9.59)! Point two is interest is always compounding. In layman’s terms, that means you will be charged interest on the interest. This is very, very bad! So let’s check out how much Mr. Suwa Ina will be charged over a ten-day period... Principal
Day #
Interest Rate
$700.00 $709.59 $719.31 $729.17
1 2 3 4 ...... ......
1.37% 1.37% 1.37% 1.37% ...... ......
$769.95 $780.50 $791.19
8 9 10
1.37% 1.37% 1.37%
New Amount $709.59 $719.31 $729.17 $739.16
$780.50 $791.19 $802.03
Final Total $802.03
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Holy crap again! In just ten measly days he owes $802.03! And $102.03 of that is in interest...after just 10 days! 1.37% doesn’t seem like chump
change now, does it? So Mr. Suwa Ina, being a prudent, responsible young man, bites the bullet and pays it down after ten days. Sure he has to cut back on his lifestyle a bit but that pales in comparison to the terror of having to go to Check City ever again! He also resolves to put himself on a budget to make sure he avoids this situation in the future. So wise, Mr. Suwa Ina. So wise. Now, just for kicks (bad ones in places that hurt), let’s check out how much Mr. Suwa Ina would owe in interest if he stuck with his original plan to pay it down the following month, or after forty days. I’ll spare you the full chart because it is way toooooo long but assume my math is correct. Starting Principal
Daily Interest Interest/Day
Final Value
$700 1.37% $1206.36 Jesus! In 40 days the amount Mr. Suwa Ina would owe rocketed from $700 bucks to $1,206.36! That is $506.36 in interest. Good thing Mr. Suwa Ina is a smart man (well smart-ish). Okay, fictional story over. This story actually wasn’t so fictional. The only part that was fictional involved me changing the name. My sister was subjected to this when she went into Check City to cover expenses for the month. She planned to pay if off in 40 days and it ended up taking five months to pay off and a “write-down” to 300% a month after three months at 500%. I have no idea how much she ended up paying in total but probably in excess of $2,000, all for a $700 loan. Now, some of you may be thinking that if you went into a place and saw all these numbers you would run out, crashing through the front door window so you didn’t have to slow down. Payday loan centers don’t show you any of these figures because they know only the real suckers would still accept such outrageous terms. They know how to lure you in, they know how to give you the bare minimum in legally-required information, they know how to present information in such a way that makes it seem relatively painless, they know most of their customers don’t really understand the impact of compounding interest, they don’t give you the big picture, and they know if they should take you to court to collect they will win.
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The above is why so much predatory lending took place several years ago and is still the reason predatory lending takes place now. Many people simply don’t have the tools to figure this truth out for themselves. The way to avoid falling into a similar situation: have a plan, create a budget, have the discipline to follow it, and get educated financially. This is admittedly a lot to do, and often the path to achieve it is windier than we would like. There isn’t a lot of good financial information out there, and finding it is more difficult still. If you would like to look a little further into all of this I would suggest two books to start you off. Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey is good for the more conservative of us out there. He details how to build a comprehensive budget and has many penny-pinching tips throughout his book. He develops things called “peace puppies” to help us out on the road to peace. The second book is Cashflow Quadrant by Robert Kiyosaki. This book deals with wealth building and how money moves. If that last part was confusing to you, I invite you to read the book. It won’t give you tips or how-to’s like most texts out there, but instead will give you a basic understanding of personal finance. Well, I hope this article has helped you have a better understanding of how badly dirty lending practices can screw you over. I would consider this article a success if just one reader prevents another person from walking into one of these payday centers to take out a “small” loan. We all know now what a small loan can do to you in the long term at a place like this. Comments and critiques are welcome. If you have any please send them to nick.mckay01@gmail.com. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
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Charity Spotlight: volunteerAKITA
The Smiles and Dreams Project Nic’s told you all about the dirty side of money. Now, let’s take a look at the more uplifting side of finance: donating to a good cause. At this year’s Zaza Arts Festival in Hakuba, we raised funds raised for a very special project: a scholarship fund for a third-year high school student living at an orphanage in Sendai, who wants to attend university to study child care. For those of you that weren’t able to attend, or that want a bit more info before opening those wallets, volunteerAKITA’s co-director, Paul Yoo, was kind enough to share more about the project.
“Hello, my name is Paul Yoo, Founder/Co-Director of volunteerAKITA and The Fruit Tree Project. In the wake of the Tohoku disaster, we in Akita have come together to show our support for those who were affected. Our goals are simple; improving the quality of life for those in need through volunteer, service and lots of LOVE. More importantly, we aim to develop relationships with those in need, providing strength and encouragement for communities that need it most. To date, we have raised ￥1,846,504 and delivered over 42,000 items of fruit to people displaced by the tsunami, while also logging over 844 hours of volunteer service throughout the Tohoku region. It has been such a trip, and we are extremely grateful for all the support we have received from all over the world. Moving forward, we are currently involved in the ‘Smiles & Dreams’ project led by Living Dreams and Smile Kids Japan (www.livingdreams.jp and www.smilekidsjapan. org). These organizations have been doing amazing things for orphanages throughout Japan, and we are very happy to be working alongside of them. Right now, our ‘Smiles & Dreams’ project is to raise funds for a volunteerAKITA scholarship that will send one of the orphans to university. He is currently in his last year of high school and is the first orphan at his orphanage to express interest in attending university to study childcare. We feel that it is very important to provide this inspiring young man with this opportunity, and hope he will encourage other orphans to also pursue further education. For more information please visit our website at www.volunteerakita.org or feel free to contact us at volunteerakita@gmail.com” For more information about the project itself, check out: http://volunteerakita.org/2011/08/16/ tohoku-smilesdreams-project/ Donations can be made online or by Japan Post.
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DIRTY WINT Compiled by Emma Pierce
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s the cold creeps in (and I mean into our very houses, frosting over the kitchen floor), we find ourselves hostages beneath the kotatsu. Every ounce of heat, energy, hot water, and every drop of kerosene must be savored, lest we freeze to death. The following are some of the most essential – and shameless – tips for winter living. Anonymous survivors of former Nagano winters confessed how to make it through until spring. Survival isn’t always pretty (or clean).
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If you live in a house with multiple rooms, move ALL your crap into one. Everything; bed, clothes, washing line. It will be easier and cheaper to heat. And if you hang your damp clothes in the room you’re heating, it will humidify the room at the same time!
2)
Use the larger 30L trash bags - you won’t have to take the trash out as often, but your house won’t smell nasty and you won’t get as many fruit flies as you would in the summer thanks to the cold.
3)
I don’t wash my hair very often, because it’s too cold and it takes forever to dry. I usually wait and have a good scrub at the onsen. Unfortunately, when I get to school, I have to unleash my unwashed hair and use it as a scarf because I’m too cold without it around my neck.
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TER LIVING 4)
Don’t wash your BODY every day either - you need those oils to keep your skin from drying out, flaking, or even cracking. If you insist on bathing, rub yourself down with some grapeseed oil once a week or so before you step out of the shower to dry off. Luxurious.
5)
Use what body hair genetics gave you to make it through the winter. Men, keep your faces warm and ladies keep your legs a tad warmer by not shaving for awhile. No one’s gonna really look at your newly-not-shorn hair anyhow, unless you’re parading around in shorts too early or you happen to actually make it out from under your kotatsu to brave public appearances.
6)
Cook the nabe pot filled with delicious veggies and meat on Monday, then just leave it out on the stove for the rest of the week until it’s gone. My kitchen becomes a refrigerator in the winter.
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After cooking a stew, soup, or something in a pot, eat it straight from the pot and forget the plate. But put it on a coaster so as not to burn your kotatsu table. This is something that guys have been doing since the invention of pots.
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Before I go snowboarding, or sometimes before a morning run, I’ll go to sleep in my long johns (or under armour) so that I stay warm all night, and my clothes remain warm in the morning when I all I have to do is slip on an over layer. 13
9)
Don’t bother washing your pants more than once a week. It’s cold, so you sweat less, smells travel less, and since you’re wearing long underwear, you barely even come in contact with your pants.
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All year round you should wear your bras twice or even three times before washing them, depending on how much you sweat. Not in a row, but rotating them. Then, only wash them in cold water. Washing too often and wearing too often both cause the elastic to wear out, and you’ll either have to have a tailor alter the band or just throw them out.
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Jeans rarely need washing. You can put them in the freezer for a few hours to kill any bacteria if you really need to.
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Socks are more consumable in winter, with wet snow and the need to wear several layers. TIP: Go for quality over quantity. It is better to invest in some thicker, nicer socks and wear one pair (layering them might actually restrict movement and make you colder). As long as they remain dry and relatively clean, wearing them for, say, two days before washing isn’t such a crime, is it?
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I sleep with my heating blanket on, usually by accident, until I wake up sweating and dehydrated.
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If you are *blessed* enough to have a manual-fill washing machine, fill it with your old bath water instead of new tap water! Everyone should have washed before they got into that bath to begin with, and if they didn’t...you should be adding soap to your laundry anyhow. 14
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Jog or bike to work in the morning. You’d be surprised how a little bit of exercise keeps you warmer all day. To maximize the effect, don’t change your clothes. The heat will escape.
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Men: Buy yourself a fogless mirror and do your shaving in the shower. No more freezing your ass as you scrape a blade across your frostbitten chin!
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Men and women both – for that matter – you can shave, wash your hair, brush your teeth and urinate all in the same warm shower. To save even more time, some of these actions can be done simultaneously.
18)
After you shower, grab your towel and dry yourself inside the shower too! Take advantage of all the excess steam. When you step out into the bitter cold, you’ll feel much better dry.
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Don’t let the heat from your urine be flushed away! Pee directly into your yutanpo with the certainty that not even your bodily waste is going to waste!
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...Tales of Inherited Dirt hey warn us at meetings and seminars. In every email and newsletter, leading up to our last days in Japan: clean your shit. Clean your houses, clean your storage sheds, clean your showers, clean your kids, clean your porches, clean your yards, clean you car. Clean everything. Because any mess that you don’t clean is getting left behind for the next guy. And if you don’t believe the warnings, just take a look at what lovely presents these ALTs’ predecessors left behind for them:
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“What’s the dirtiest thing that a previous ALT/CIR has left in your house?” “A bunch of grease under my burner. I did a huge scrub down of my kitchen in the spring and discovered grease, oil, and pasta. I’ve never made pasta here. It took about an hour of soaking, scrubbing, rinsing, re-soaking, etc. to get rid of it and some of it still hasn’t come off.” –Jen “Used underpants in the closet. Three pairs of them. The thing is: only two were men’s underpants…” –Anonymous “The sink catch had not been cleaned in who knows how long. First time turning on the water in the kitchen sink, it filled with floating food scraps, 16
including an almost entire orange peel.” –Jonathan “A mountain of wet towels and dirty dishes in the sink. So thoughtful!” –Anonymous “I can’t honestly be sure what it was. It was in a jar under the sink. It may have been some kind of food at one time in the distant past.” –Joe “A half-smoked pipe. Not the tobacco kind.” –Anonymous “5 unopened boxes of tampons. I’m a guy. Do you know how awkward it is for a guy to try and pawn off 5 boxes of tampons and not look like a secret murderer?” -Anonymous “Black, gooey mold in the toilet that took 3 hours to scrape off...that and a few Tupperware containers of god-knows what...I couldn’t identify it...I do know that it tried to eat me when I opened the containers... I even found his retainer under my sink...” –Daniel “They left their old car in my yard. It’s still sitting out there.” –Anonymous “I don’t think that any ALT in my house other than me has realized that you can move the stove. Meaning, there was -years- of accumulated dropped and spilled food all around it. Making it so I could see the original steel was one of the nastiest things I’ve ever done.” –Katrina “They didn’t take out the bathroom trash, and there was two weeks between when they moved out and I moved in. My bathroom faces the sun and is usually about 32 degrees in summer. The smell was indescribable.” –Anonymous Let these stories serve as a word of warning: there really are no magical elves that throw out your trash once you leave Japan! The only elf-like being in this block is Daniel Pierce, and that’s only because he likes climbing on trees and rocks and flowers so very much. He’s not gonna help you clean your house. So do it yourself! Pick a room each month, starting well before you leave Japan, and make sure it’s in the condition that you’d want it to be in if you were the one just starting out in a new country. 17
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DIRTY
: SOUTH A GUIDE
Compiled by Molly Conner
The Dirty South. From Matsumoto downwards lies a part of Nagano block that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always get a lot of tourism, but holds amusement aplenty for those who know where to find it. As a third year resident of Suwa-Ina, I thought Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d use this issue to show off a few choice locals in my adopted hometown. 18
:
Takato Castle Park
Place: Takato, Ina Takato Castle Park is one of the most famous places in Japan for cherry blossom viewing, and was host to last year’s JET-wide hanami. But Takato park is absolutely lovely at any time of year, with fantastic view of the Minami Alps and numerous nearby onsen. Best of all: when the cherry blossoms aren’t blooming, admission to the park is absolutely free. For more info: http://www.go-nagano.net/modules/contents07/index.php?mode =disdetailsisetu&cityid=9&junleid=1&indexid=5
Oshiba Kogen
Place: Ina/Minami Minowa Oshiba Kogen is famous to local ALTs for two reasons: a great onsen and some of the best cheeseburgers in Japan. The burgers are served in the park’s cafeteria/gift shop, which has a patio seating with lovely lakeside view in spring, along with a free onsen for your feet. The hot springs themselves are across the street in a separate building. For more info: http://oshiba.jp/
Kozenji / Komagane Kogen Art Museum
Place: Komagane Kozenji, seated at the foothills of the spectacular Mt. Komagatake and covered in lush, green forest, is one of the most beautiful temples in Japan. It was founded in 860 and has been designated a culturally protected site. Next door to the temple is Komagane Kogen Art Museum, which houses a small but impressive collection of paintings, sculptures, and photography. For more info: http://wikitravel.org/en/Komagane
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Komagane Kogen
Place: Komagane! If you went to the NagaYes volleyball competition in September, you know why this kogen is amazing. It’s got a skate park, volleyball courts, riverside walking trails, a rock climbing wall, camping, onsen, a microbrewery, and the best view of the Minami Alps in all of Nagano. Most importantly: Komagane Kogen holds the infamous Komagane swimming hole, one of the best kept secrets among locals. It’s impossible to find on your own, but if you’re lucky enough to get a guide then you’ll be treated to an afternoon of crystal clear glacial runoff, straight from a waterfall. For more info: http://www.city.komagane.nagano.jp/index. php?f=hp&ci=11409&i=11454 I asked fellow Naganites for their favorite spots down South. Charity, Sorin, and Emma had the following to recommend:
Nezame no toko Gorge
Place: Kiso Valley “In the Kiso Valley there is a place called Nezame no toko Gorge. It is stunningly beautiful, typically at any time of the year. I like because of its serenity.” - Charity For more info: http://www.go-nagano.net/modules/contents07/index.php?id=1 &mode=disdetailsisetu&cityid=68&junleid=1&indexid=9&kubuncode=1
Heike no Sato
Place: Hase Village (In the foothills of the Southern Alps, 30 min. from Ina City) What: Mountain Ramen, Yakiniku, Testicles “This is the most delicious Ramen I have ever had. The Ramen start out at hot, and go up the scale to 100 times the spiciness of the base ramen. If you manage to eat it, they take your picture and put it in their log book. On the menue they also have Yakiniku- some of the freshest and best I’ve had. They serve a variety of other dishes: poached testicles, ovaries, eyeballs. Well worth the trip. It is the only Ramen place on the road out to Hase, so it is hard to miss.” -Sorin 20
Boats and Trains: Emma’s Guide to Southern Nagano
Boat tours!
Place: Tenryu-kyo “The Tenryu-kyo area of Iida has large canoe tours down the Tenryu river, starting near tenryu-kyo station and ending in Yasuoka near karakasa station. Starting in the spring (April sometimes) until fall, the tours are roughly around 5000 per person, but there are group deals and specials all the time so it is good to check. The tenryukyo visitor center is a helpful place to check for more details. If you’re lucky you will meet a nearly-native English speaker if she is working that day. That section of the Tenryu river is extremely green on a sunny day, surrounded by untouched, beautiful nature. If the season’s right, they will catch a fish off the canoe. Usually there is a tour-guide who sings for you, too. I have done it twice. Lovely both times.” - Emma More Info: http://www.jnto.go.jp/eng/location/regional/nagano/tenryukyou. html
Train tours!
Place: Tenryu-kyo “In the same area as the boat tours, starting from Tenryukyo, there are sometimes seasonal “hikkyo eki” tours. These are “unexplored areas” or secluded train stations in the middle of the forest/mountains on the southern Iida line. The train follows the river with beautiful views. One station it will stop at is Tamoto, in Yasuoka, where there is a hidden walking bridge across the Tenryu river from one pristine forest to the other. There’s also Kowada-eki, just south of Nagano’s border in nearly uninhabited parts of Shizuoka. It is ranked the second most secluded/isolated station in all of Japan. You can only go there by train and leave by train, unless you are a daring, bush-whacking hiker (no trails, no roads nearby). I’ve heard little bits of scandalous legend surrounding this station...but I haven’t yet checked it out myself.” - Emma
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by Jared Maier
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2 4 6 3
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1
8
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Iida Evening Guide 1. Sario
6. Blood
2. Cafe E
7. Rules
3. Metropolis
8. After Five
4. Melody House
9. Miss Manila
5. Otsu
10. Bomb Bar
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Yama Asks: What’s the dirtiest thing you’ve seen abroad? Compiled by Molly Conner
“The dirtiest thing I have seen abroad/whilst traveling were toilets in train stations in China. Toilets in Nanjing and Shanghai in particular were absolutely filthy. So filthy that it appeared monkeys had gotten into the toilets and smeared their feces along the walls. Then it hit me - no, it was just people. Dirty, dirty people.” “At a hotel in Bali, this couple was completely going at it in the hallway. They were sprawled out on the ground and I had to step over them. The girl took the time to gasp out ‘sorry’. The guy was too preoccupied.” “At Disneyland Hong Kong a few years ago, a co-worker witnessed a Chinese lady using Disneyland’s drinking fountain to wash her baby’s bum. After it pooped.” “Drunk salary men whipping it out and peeing in the street in big cities. It’s bad enough to urinate in public, at least try to hide the naughty bits while you do it, guys, sheesh.” “Walking back to my apartment in Korea, I’d often see drunk salary men helping each other stand up while they took turns puking on the sidewalk, because they were already smashed at 9 P.M. on a Tuesday. Nobody walking by seemed to care.” “I was at an elephant reserve in Thailand. And elephants are beautiful, magnificent creatures with the utmost need of our protection. But sweet merciful hey-zeus, have you even seen an elephant take a dump? It happened while our tour group was bathing said elephants in the river, so all the crap floated downstream. Towards us.” “You know that episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ where they run into two old, toothless homeless dudes going at it under the boardwalk? I saw that in real life, and now I don’t believe in God.”
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Three Cautionary Tales
And That’s Why You Always Remember Your Tissues: A tip: when traveling abroad, always have a pack of tissues on you. If you don’t believe us, check out these three horror stories that could have been prevented with even one, single tissue.
Oh Thank God They Have Limes T
his tale of uncleanliness comes from my own experience travelling around with my relatives in Thailand. On these hot days the sweat already begins to dampen your underwear to the point that you swore you had gone twos without even realizing, and the smell of Bangkok doesn’t help out either. My aunt’s friend had invited my family out to a great phad thai restaurant that she knew of that served the greatest phad thai ever made. With that kind of hype behind the phad thai my family was left with no choice but to take her up on
the offer. We all packed our sweaty, sweat-marinated, underwear-wearing selves into her tiny truck and took a 40 minute drive to a small restaurant in the front of what looked like some old woman’s house. We ordered our food and waited. Nature’s unreasoning will had taken over my body and demanded that I go to the toilet on the double. I obliged this primal urge and went to the toilet and found the standard Thai bathroom. A wet floor a couple centimeters of water deep (just enough to pass over your sandal and soak your feet) and a question29
ably installed Western style toilet with broken rim. I sat on the pot and went about my business. It was only afterwards that I realized that the poo-party was just beginning and only I was in attendance. The following is my train of thought exactly as I remember it: My hand reaches over for the TP only to grope at thin air. No toilet paper, no problem, I think to myself. I’ll just use the water like a hand operated bidet and my hand….like a hand… operated…toilet paper…. Whatever I’ll just use the soap afterwards and forget this happened. Oh god, I can’t believe my hand is doing this, what is that? I would have remembered eating that! Well, that was awful, I’ll never look at you the same hand, never ever again, now where’s the soap? Probably by that cracked mirror by the broken sink, yes that’s where it is. I’ll just waddle over there in this water, nooooo my shorts! Damnit I hope that’s water. No? No soap? Anywhere in this godforsaken hell bathroom? But my hand… it’s all…ughhh. Ok just wash it with water, lots of water. People have eaten food with one hand before it’s cool I’ll just keep my hand by my side, whatever. Man my 30
hand smells awful I really need to do something otherwise the best phad thai ever will smell and taste like a used diaper. Ok well you have to leave the bathroom…oh god the food is here and my hand still smells like Bangkok. What do I do? OH YES! My shiny little green slice of citrus salvation! It’s fuckin’ lime time baby, get all up in that hand. Yeah rub it in there till it soaks the bones in citrus. Now just leave your hand by your side and no double high fives until you get some soap. I managed to eat that phad thai and wash my hand. Lime is now my favorite fruit.
To Taiwan With Horror By Anonymous
I
went to Taiwan this past summer for the first time. All the scary things that my mom falsely believed to be true about toilets in Japan…are in fact true in Taiwan. I have never seen such terrifying toilets in all my life. Used toilet paper goes in a bin (usually without a lid!), there isn’t even toilet paper in some stalls, and (needless to say) “squattie potties” are the norm. Now I’m not particularly squeamish about toilets because, let’s face it, if you need to go, you need to go, and anywhere is better than your pants. However, I did have one near fatal accident… We were in the train station buying tickets to our next destination when I started to feel queasy. The street food in Taiwan is excellent, but even I have to admit it can be pretty dodgy sometimes. As it turns out my stomach was losing the latest battle and a trip to the Squattie Potties of Doom was necessary. IMMEDIATELY. I barely
had time to utter a brief “Toilet. Now. BYE!” before racing off to find the nearest restroom. I got lost in the stupid maze of hallways and was about to burst into tears when I found one… went inside...only to see there was ABSOLUTELY NO TOILET PAPER. And of course, I had just run out of pocket tissue which I ALWAYS carry with me in Japan. This was the ultimate “KUSOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” moment, fist-shaking and everything. Luckily, my Taiwanese friend rushed in; when I explained the problem she immediately gave me Kleenex and pushed me into the nearest stall. Which was also probably the dirtiest squattie this side of the Pacific. Naturally. Sigh. Needless to say I made doubly, triply, infinitely sure I had pocket tissue with me for the rest of the trip. 31
An Idiot’s Guide to Shitting in the Woods
T
By Anonymous
here ought to be a word – in Greek, probably – for the moment when you realize that you are shitting in the woods without toilet paper. Not in a metaphorical way. I’m talking about those actual times in your life when you are sitting only in the company of yourself, God, and the visceral sin that you’ve created. There ought to be a word for the moment after the deed is done, when the smell hits your nostrils and you realize that you have absolutely no resources with which to clean yourself. I found myself in one of these moments, without the proper language for it, in Thailand. Of course it was in Thailand. That’s not a reflection on the land itself, or the people. Merely a natural byproduct of the fact that Thailand is the place where new ALTs often take their first vacations abroad, naïve to the world of East Asian travel and the supplies one must be equipped with at all times. It was a beautiful day. I thought about that, as I sat in the woods with no paper
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resources to clean myself with. It was an absolutely beautiful day. The notorious golden-week heat had broken and a light rain was beginning to fall. It was my first time in the rainforest. I thought it was fitting that there was actual, you know, rain. Our group had spent the afternoon on a zip line tour of the trees. I’ve got a very earnest fear of heights and hadn’t been anticipating the day to the same extent as my friends. Our guides quickly pegged me as the most excitable tourist in the crew and had their fun with that, making me think at random intervals that while mid-air I was going to crash into the tour guides, children, trees, and ground. But eventually my fear abated, as panic attacks over possible accidents that you heard somebody might have had somewhere pale in comparison to the actual feeling of human flight. I was a bird. I was motion. It’s not that I was on top of the world -- I wasn’t even touching it. And then, not two hours later, I was lower than even the most base of animals. They at least have the common sense to run their butts across the ground to clean up. I was unable to cross that thin
line.After the zip line tour, our group took a late afternoon hike up to a waterfall. I was feeling pretty great on the way up – I’d confronted a fear and I’d had a delicious lunch. A bit spicier than I was used to, but when in Thailand! Actually, I’d had all kinds of Thai food and hadn’t yet fallen prey to the volumes of cautionary tales that my travelaholic friends had at their ready. At the summit of the walk, my stomach started to hurt. A sharp, angry pain that left me sitting down for ten minutes as our group began to meander back down the mountain. Fifteen minutes passed, but the pain didn’t abate. Realizing that the sun was setting and the pain wasn’t going away, I sucked it up and started to walk back down the trail. Halfway through the walk, the pain gave way to something more dire. I felt a small rumble, and then a tremor, and then an earthquake, all located in and around the vicinity of my colon. I would have given anything to have the stomach pains back. I sprinted down the mountain, as fast as someone who doesn’t run regularly and is trying to plug a leak can sprint. Our tour guide saw the pain on my face. He was a pro – he didn’t have to do anything but point in the direction of a small, cement outhouse with straw thatching on the roof. I grabbed my backpack and speedwaddled over. I flung the door open. No internal leak had yet sprung,
but there were only moments to spare. It was a cement squatter, raised two feet off the ground. But there was no time to assume the squat position. Acting on instinct alone…I turned to face the door, sat down, and treated the raised platform like it was a western style toilet. I thanked every God available that the floor wasn’t wet. I assumed that this would be the low point of the trip – basically sitting on the ground and taking a shit. But, no. That was pure luxury compared to the realization that followed. The realization that so badly needs its own Greek word. I’d grabbed my backpack. I had enough forethought for that. But as I reached into the front pocket, I realized with white-hot horror that I’d used the last of my pocket tissues at lunch. Not on anything vital, like shitting in the woods, but because I thought that the napkins available at the lunch counter weren’t sturdy enough. If I could have smacked my past self, I would have.I had to think quickly. To my left was a bucket of stagnant water. I knew that it was for something, but I couldn’t reason that it was meant to touch my neither regions. I opened up the book bag, reaching desperately for something, anything… My fingers came across a sock. A single, used sock. I did the only thing that I could possibly have done in that situation. I did what you, your mother, and the emperor of Japan himself would have done. I used the sock. And when the deed was done? I threw the sock in the woods and didn’t look back. That’s the first rule when disposing of a body: you don’t ever revisit the scene of the crime.
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CREATIVE WRITING Up the Country By Sorin Ridgeway-Browne
The car packed, ready to enjoy the last of summer and venture into the mountains around Nagano. Three friends, all prepared to have a wonderful day. The music: Sorinès Opera Classics, Volume 2. Driving out of Nagano, the roads free and wide. Buildings turn to not-so-new-buildings, turn to rice paddies and farm land. We see some old people walking along enjoying their day. We see an old personès shopping cart, abandoned by the side of the road. We look closer to find a grandmother, squatting to perfection, a few meters away. Our lunch never tasted ..... 34
Child’s Indulgence By Sarah Anderson
My mother told me not to touch the dead crow So I poked it with a stick And then when she turned away I jabbed a finger right into its gullet, Reminding myself to wash my hands before eating again. Naturally I forgot Come on, she said, looking at me again And I tried not to smile as I jammed my hands Quickly back into my pockets As though they’d never left.
It smells rather the same on the other side of the world. By Monica Pace
T
he first time I drove home on a summer night, the air was thick, green and chattering. It was so dark I couldn’t see the mountains. I suddenly felt back in time; in the family car, gulping sweet air at last after the a/c was switched off and the windows rolled down. This is when I first noticed its familiarity: driving on the left, and driving a rural road where some stray kana and kanji flattered red across a restaurant sign. Coffee smells the same. In the morning I breathe coffee and tatami, pouring milk over a bowl of Kanji Flakes. But in the chill, which will come again soon, my house will smell of the post office and the school --of kerosene-- which has almost no precedent. When I first moved here, if I wanted to stop there, I would have said it was the smell of Japan. And if I smell winter, someone’s burning crops nearby and it’s too late for my laundry outside. I asked my farmer friend why, and he guessed it was to rid the field of weeds. The smoke folds into the mountains and makes it look like rain.
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Diary from a Dirty Girl. Monday, July 5th
First day of work. Looking good: free pass to the slopes, free coffee, fine talent everywhere. One guy in particular has caught my wandering eye. Things got a little hot when I got a look at those blue eyes and long lashes. Saw him at the bar tonight, but didn’t have much to say, or is it that he doesn’t have much to say at all? Maybe he’s just shy. I’ll pursue that a little more next time...and I’ll write more later when the room stops spinning. Too many butterscotch shots.
Wednesday, July 14th
Saw the carpenter guy out on the slopes today and l know I’m a superficial bitch but I can’t help it. I have lost almost complete interest in him. Is that so wrong? He’s just so big, and he’s slamming his Goliath body all over the hill. Meanwhile, the new guy glides past with ease, with his playful smile, and the hint of a wink. I’m not sure what that look was, but I was over trying to attend to the oaf. Actually, I’m over him in general. After we pashed last night, he told me that he doesn’t want to stick with one girl. He wants to have fun with me, but nothing serious. I don’t want anything serious either, but I also don’t want to get herpes from his promiscuous ego. He’s blown it, I’m over it. There’s a local party this Saturday. Maybe I’ll get drunk enough to maintain a flirty conversation long enough with sexy #1 and I can see if he’s as good in the sack as he is on the slopes.
Sunday, July 18th
Oh my ears are ringing, and I’m not entirely sure where I left my dignity last night, but I temporarily lost myself in sexy’s sheets. It was fun, to be sure, but I’ll leave it at that. If he wasn’t my dream surfer stud then I would probably focus too much on the fact that he’s a bit of an empty vessel. Disappointment or success? I got what I wanted, but there’s just something wanting. He’ll do for now.
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Thursday, July 22nd
There wasn’t enough time to look for my undies. I only had enough time to slip quietly out of their one-room apartment and run to my side of the temporary housing area, get dressed for work, and catch the bus. This has to be the last time. Getting frisky in an apartment where two other men sleep is a good way to create a reputation. We were all drinking together last night. Two dollar beers during happy hour at The Buffalo Club, and as usual his curly locks, lazy Gold Coast accent, and surfer build drove me crazy. He doesn’t even have to talk, and it’s probably better if he didn’t. Sometimes the things he says make me cringe, and the side of me that still harbours some self-respect tries to battle the emerging woman in heat. The first time I saw him on the slopes, I forgot all about the carpenter who was trying to buy my love with cocktails and biceps. I had to have him, even if it was just for the challenge. It was completely superficial. He had all the qualities that would make him a valuable mission. If only I could ignore his painful Jack Johnson guitar jams, his stoner ramblings, his general disregard for me, and his macho friends who keep trying to claim me as their conquest too. I guess I like the attention, but I know I’m better than this. I need to stay away, and focus on tearing it up on the mountain and spending time with my girlfriends.
Sunday, July 26th
I’m being punished for having too much fun. At the house party last night, his friend was sharing photos on his phone of something quite intriguing to everyone. When I finally got a chance to take a peak, I saw a humiliating photo of my frilly polka-dotted g-string up for display in the boys apartment doorway. Then I got so smashed, l left the last shred of my dignity at the party, and took him back to my place. If that wasn’t bad enough, my girlfriend is angry at me because I didn’t stop her from her own male kryptonite, and she lost her anal virginity while I was losing my self-control. It’s time to move on. Clearly I remain powerless in this situation. It would be best if I just left and never saw him, or this town again.
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Getting Down and Dirty with J jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice but she wrote well enough that her bitchness was (and still continues to be) excused as “funny,” “intelligent,” “entertaining,” and “insightful.” She’s a not-so-living example of the power of word choice and how best to insult someone while sounding polite; bless her heart.
(Ebook: Public Domain Books, 1998; ISBN 0978787110. Paperback: Dover, 1995; ISBN 100486284735.)
F 38
irst of all, this is a free book. Otherwise, I would have never read it, because I’m lazy, poor, and inclined to steal things if they’re not free.* But enough dirt about me, let’s get to the author. Jane Austen is known for her caustic wit and satire of Britain’s historic, landed gentry. Basically, that’s a fancy way of saying that she was a bit of a bitch,
Pride and Prejudice isn’t lacking on insults, that’s for sure. For one thing, the two main characters, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, can’t even get things on from the beginning because they’re too busy being stupid about insulting each other. Elizabeth, called Lizzie by her father, has been brought up thinking she’s better than her sisters, because everyone agrees they’re as dumb as rocks or “silly and ignorant” in fancy language. So, having high falutin’ airs about herself, she goes gold digging with her sisters when a new rich dude moves into her area and ends up bumping into the new rich dude’s equally rich friend, Mr. Darcy. Being “prideful” because of his uber-rich and super cool upbringing, Mr. Darcy thinks that Elizabeth is a trying to pull a Duchess of Cambridge and marry above her station. He also thinks she’s stupid and ugly to boot. “Tolerable, but not handsome
enough to tempt me,” (p.7) in his of the world,” (p.182) and “Her mind politest way of phrasing it. Elizabeth received knowledge which had never overhears this and passes the rest of before fallen in her way.” (p. 201) the night telling Rereading Jane Austen is known for her caustic everyone choice lines wit and satire of Britain’s historic, what a (especially out landed gentry. rude brat of context) is he is, beas amusing as cause that’s what you do when a man watching an anime that has lines like insults you. Unlike nowadays, where “because I have the biggest boobs” they’d go for drinks, get it on, and adapted to “because I have the most then never talk to each other again, talent” for an English translation. their hating extends over the long, Read the book with a dirty-minded classical stretch of courtship that all friend and you’ll be able to add at couples used to at least pretend to go least three “that’s what she said” comthrough before eventually admitting ments to each chapter because Jane they want to tear each others’ clothes Austen put them there in between each off. Eventually, mind you. There is a line. It’s totally what she said. lot of insulting and a few twists and turns with misunderstandings before By Sabbi Topal they get there. If such a plot’s not enough to interest you, read the book for the amazing language it contains. There are Euphemisms as well as back-handed compliments abound, with such gems as “If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him,” (p.12) “You are determined to ruin him in the opinion of all his friends, and make him the contempt
“
“
*Not actually true about me…but if this description fits you, this book is perfect, I promise!
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y t r i D D "
Everyone is doin Tokyo, the guys India and even t
40
y g n i c n a D by Mademoiselle Sassy Bell
ng it. The girls in in Beijing, the kids in the Cirque du Soleil. 41
1. Girth is important girls. Poles come in varying sizes as we like em’. 45mm is my preferred size - you just get a better grip. 2. Bikini wax. Whatever you do, remember you’ll be flinging your legs wide, be sure to take care down there. 3. The less you wear the better. You’ll be able to wrap around the pole for a more secure hold if it’s against bare skin. 4. In this case… wetter is not better! Carry a little hand towel to wipe your pole down so you can hold that pose firmly like a dazzling starlet. 5. Don’t mistake those marks on your body from your own Fiday night fun…EXPECT to get bruised! Nobody ever gained anything without a little pain.
Warning: addiction may be a side effect as well as an obsession with column shaped objects 42
P
ole dancing. Once, a genre of dance strictly for cheap and easy nighttime thrills and tight trousers. Now a craze, which over the past few years has exploded in the fitness dance world. The words “Pole Dancing” are moving away from associations with stripping and sleazy gentlemen’s clubs in favour of exercise and fitness dance classes. It’s a way to get fit, toned and have a good time without locking yourself away in the depths of a sweaty gym. Not easy to first learn but once the basics have been mastered…struts, holds, and climbing…learners can progress to more advanced mounts, tricks and inverts. My personal favourite is the caterpillar [invert so you are upside down on the pole with your head towards the ground and wriggle like a slinky caterpillar letting your hips roll back and forth]. Dance classes are indeed the way to learn, but it’s also worth buying your own pole and erecting it at home (a man’s assistance may be needed, no joke). They can go up and down…however you like it really. Enjoy your very own little pole jam party in the comfort of your own home, then once it’s down it’ll be your secret [plus any spying neighbours]. Of course if you want to see how it’s really done then turn to the professionals and watch one of many pole fitness competitions around the world. Check out Miss Pole Dance Japan on May 12th 2012, it’ll sure be a show worth watching. Pole is an art form. Acrobatic and elegant. Enticing and sexy. Powerful and thrilling. Could it be a new Olympic sport? Controversial, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
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messy and grimy
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lascivious delicious smut
coffee stains
love stains
a Thai squat toilet with no toilet paper
A rendezvous in a swanky toilet stall at a Tokyo club
a smoky manga kissaten
A love hotel
your bowels after a marathon
an all-night marathon in your bed
mud trekking
mud wrestling
Spartacus: Blood and Sand in the arena
Spartacus: Blood and Sand in the House of Batiatus
serving a plate of ika & natto sushi
serving sushi off your body
season-three snowboard boots
knee-high boots
Delhi belly
belly dancing
Christina Aguilera changing diapers
Christina Aguilera singing â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dirrtyâ&#x20AC;?
banana peels in your nama gomi
banana hammock in your fundoshi
dressed as maid for the Holiday Inn
dressed as a maid for some late night role-playing
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