SCUTTLEBUTT october 2 0 1 5
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editor, design - jacob sanders @jacobsandersar t writing director - jason melton @captainjmelton comic director - chris carfolite @chriscarf
contributors
frank zerilli cover thomas hedger p4-5
frankzerilli.com @frank_zerilli thomashedger.co.uk @thomashedger
james sanders jdsnosince.weebly.com @jdsundeavors p6-12 sara lautman saralautman.com @saralautman p10 greg wright gregwrightillustration.com @goldcucco p13 jasonmelton.tumblr.com jason melton p14-17 @captainjmelton max huffman maxhuffman.com p18 @maxhuffman thelukemyers.com luke myers @lmyers1 p19
Thomas Hedger
Courtney Bernard
Chris Carfolite
This woman has been coming to see me for nearly a year. Her name is Angelica Petrovic. I am just so sick as shit of her. I can smell her when she enters the building. She wears some ridiculously cheap perfume. It’s not even that she wears too much. I just hate it. Every session she sheepishly walks into my office and makes the same god damn small talk. That ‘How-was-your-weekend’ bullshit, it’s fucking grating. It is her money to burn, but why waste time, you know? In all of my time of being a therapist, I have never met anyone as pitiful as Angelica, and I have sat through some dickheaded nonsense. Some people come in, and I get it, they just need me to let them off the hook mentally from their awful personalities. No one actually wants to better themselves. They just need to hear that the stupid shit they do in their lives is okay, and honestly, I am happy to oblige at an hourly rate. Anyway, today was another session with Angelica, a big one at that. She has been going on and on for months now about feeling anxious and vulnerable in social settings. Long story short, she was teased in high school. She is such a waste. It should’ve been simple. I talked about it with her week after week. No progress. She would insist time and time again that she needed to confront this guy Lewis, her longtime friend, about the treatment she received back then. Of course, I encouraged her to do so, but she would just show up the next week and tell me she was too frightened. I even offered to roleplay as Lewis several times, but that was not good enough. Finally, she says to me, “Dr. Belmonte, what if I brought Lewis here so you could help me confront him?” Pathetic. But I obliged. Anything to stop the reoccurring misery of her
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p7 Jacob Sanders
sniveling. That’s another thing too though. She behaves as if I were her daddy. I suppose I am to take her by the hand and lead her to serenity. I am a professional therapist, not a daycare worker for overgrown, intellectually under-developed children. I really believe some people do not have a capacity for well-being. But as I was saying, I was forced into meeting one of Angelica’s fellow morons, but when she arrived today she was alone! I asked her if Lewis had opted not to join us, pretty much hoping that were the case. She says to me that he is on his way. Can you believe that? She would not even meet this guy ahead of time! She is making him walk in blindly to her therapy. Not even a brunch?! How do I know this guy is even going to be caught up to speed with what she claims she needs to discuss with him? I used the time it took for Lewis to arrive to make Angelica tell me just what the fuck she expects to happen. It turns out she did not tell him the specifics of why she has been coming to see me but that it was important for her to have him present for this session. God knows what Lewis must have been thinking, but from having met him today, I would be willing to wager that it wasn’t much. I started coaching Angelica, and eventually Lewis came knocking. When he entered my office, he had a big dumb smile on his face. I gave him a shiteating grin right back and welcomed him to the proceedings. Sometime toward the end of our exchange, Angelica tightened up, and the entire room along with her. Fucking miserable.
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These two people are supposed to be friends? I sat there for ten minutes and listened to her recite the same small talk crap with Lewis that she does with me every week. “How is your family? How is work? Have you seen Shit Idiot lately?” I just hate it. Finally, I reminded Angelica that she had something she wanted to discuss with Lewis. She even tried to look at me as if I were going to save her or something. I don’t know what the fuck. I just played Daddy and gave her a stern look back. So that is when she timidly told her so-called friend of fifteen years that she felt like he was partially responsible for her lack of self-worth because he assisted in spreading a rumor IN HIGH SCHOOL that she was easy. Man, let me tell you. The look on this guy’s face was priceless. It was like watching someone at the moment that dissociative amnesia strikes them, but that could not have been the case here because that would mean he would have felt guilt at any point in his fucked life. He actually tried to pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about. Here is how I see it. This guy is a fucking loser. I guarantee that the only reason this guy even remained friends with this person is that he thinks he could end up fucking her at some point. As a boy, he helped slander this young girl as a whore, but the mother fucker never got any and continues to never get any. He is a god damn fuck vulture. In any case, they started going back and forth about their god damn sophomore year of high school. She brought up trusting him by sharing her feelings for another guy with him. He continued to play dumb and innocent. I would referee here and there, but I mostly sat back and just watched the stupidest fucking people plague their adult lives with teenage problems.
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Sara Lautman
Once they tired themselves out with accusations and denials, I told them both their respective flaws. They ended up resetting back to their insincere congeniality before time was up. The two hugged before Lewis left as fast as he could. I like to think that he is drunk somewhere right now invading the personal space of several young women...
{{CRASH}}
Dr. Belmonte looks to his left to see a waiter react to the shattering glass he had just dropped. The waiter visibly grits his teeth to keep from cursing aloud. Dr. Belmonte turns back grinning toward the table to continue. “At least, I am not the only one having a rough day, but anyway, I told Angelica to consider eliminating that relationship from her life. Then I became free, and here I am. Time for a rum and coke. What are the specials tonight?” He opens a small menu that was propped up on the table and peers inside. Across from his menu, his friend Leif looks unimpressed. “You’re not even going to ask how I’ve been?” “Feel free to express yourself, Leif,” Dr. Belmonte responds without looking up from the menu. “Express myself, huh? Yeah, alright. I’ll express myself.” Leif takes a quick sip of water then continues.
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“You’re a fucking dick. You’ve got a lot of nerve acting the way you do. How you can act so superior and entitled I’ll never know. It’s bad enough you come in here making a scene and being rude and dismissive toward me, but what the fuck are you howling about your god damn patients’ lives for? Don’t you have a hippocratic oath or something?” Dr. Belmonte smacks the small plastic menu against the table. “Therapists don’t take a fucking oath, you dumbshit! Now shut the hell up and decide what to order.” “Jessica told me what you said, idiot.” Dr. Belmonte looks at Leif in silence. Leif continues. “You’re so fucking cocky you think that people are going to have your back? Despite all of the shit you put them through. We’re all just so privileged to put up with you, right?” Dr. Belmonte looks away as Leif gets up from the table. “I didn’t come here to have a wild night with Dr. Belmonte. I only came to tell you to keep out of my relationship. Don’t bother calling any of us. Everyone is sick to death of you.” Leif begins to walk away but stops to say, “Have fun listening to yourself.” He walks around the corner and disappears. Dr. Belmonte, still silent, lifts his eyes upward with a firm quirk. The waiter approaches his table. Rum and coke.
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Greg Wright
Jason to Snoop: Yeah my buddy worked there, and he told me some of the most horrific stories I’ve ever heard in my life. • Snoop told me she is working at a counseling center. Trying to be a good conversationalist, I brought up the only thing I knew about counseling centers—that a friend of mine worked with child sex offenders—sex offenders too young to go to prison but too sex offender-y to be in public. Despite my effort, I never got close to Snoop. I haven’t talked to her in months. Jason to Warren G: Yeah absolutely! Sorry to hear your sister is sick. I hope all is well. • I met Warren G on Tinder. We had plans to hang out, but she canceled them. It didn’t bother me. I figured we’d never talk again. So far, we haven’t. Dj Yella to Jason: Just stay away from Cookies and Carnitas. I wandered in
once and their specials were veal heart and lamb tongue. Probably not your jam. • Dj Yella and I planned to get Mexican food around her neighborhood. I don’t really know the area so I told her I would use Yelp. She gave me this warning. Suge Knight to Jason: The show’s called “NWA.” The new Facebook event will be up shortly, after I hear back from a couple of people. • I was added to a stand-up show in the place of a friend who had to cancel. It ended up being one of the most welcoming crowds I’ve been in front of. Suge Knight produced the show. Jason to Eazy-E: Yeah dude. I totally hear ya. Getting a good clip is harder than causing a female orgasm. • Eazy-E is a producer of a comedy show and a friend. He asked me to send a second video clip of my stand up, because my first clip was not strong. It was meant to be a nice gesture—a second chance. However, I did not a have time to get in front of a good audience and procure a better clip. I did my best, but I was ultimately rejected. Ultimately, I wish he had never hit me up, because it felt like I was rejected twice. Frowny face. I haven’t spoken to Eazy-E since, and he hasn’t spoken to me. If we ever meet again, I bet we’ll feel uncomfortable. The D.O.C. to Jason: Dude you’re saying so many great things to me all at once. I fuckin love what I’m hearing. • I was invited to Compton to perform stand-up. The D.O.C. sent me this message because I picked up coffee before we hit the road. Chuck D hit me up earlier that day and said he’d be in town at the same time as us, and
we could all hang out. It was good news at the time, but I was ultimately disappointed when the D.O.C. convinced me to come back early because of some horse shit. My expectation of a fun night was shot. Plus, the show stank. Jason to MC Ren: I just got the message from Tomica. Sorry to hear about that, man. I love ya buddy. If you feel like hanging out tonight or need anything at all, let me know. • I got word that MC Ren’s mom passed away and sent condolences. I really want him to not be sad, because I care about him. It’s hard to avoid clichés about death, but I’ll try to describe exactly how I felt. It felt like this: I did not want him to feel bad, and he was going to feel bad no matter what. Mom to Jason: Hi. I heard I missed you yesterday. When you coming back to town? • I stopped by my mom’s house, and she wasn’t there. She wanted to know when I’d be back in town. Jason to Dr. Dre: I tried to ‘hear you out’ the other night when you said, “Yeah I promise I’m not gonna fuck her.” A promise that didn’t even have to be made, and then was broken. Pretty black and white. • I had been talking to a girl for half of a week. At first, I wanted to date her. Then, she revealed herself to be a bit too crazy. On route to the end, we had a night of debauchery with Dr. Dre, drinking and carrying on. Dr. Dre was one of my closest friends. We were at his house listening to music. I fell asleep in a chair for a few minutes. When I woke up, I decided to leave. The girl I was with told me she was going to stay. I thought that was fine. She can do whatever. She’s crazy. Then, she said something bizarre to me—
she said, “Don’t worry, I promise I’m not gonna fuck him,” referring to Dr. Dre. Then Dr. Dre said, “yeah, I promise I’m not gonna fuck her.” And, I left. Obviously, they fucked. • I was ultimately given a gift. I was forced to analyze how I define friendship. It made me realize how much I love my true friends. Dr. Dre didn’t do anything wrong on paper, but he certainly wasn’t a friend to me. And, he still isn’t. However, I have friends like Ice Cube, Slick Rick, and Nas who I love unconditionally. And, I now have a full understanding of this. When I define friendship, I now understand that, for better or worse, I expect an exceptional amount of consideration and honesty. Like for example, don’t tell me you’re not gonna fuck and then fuck. Jason to Ice Cube: I’m buying a cliff bar. Lady at the counter was like, “I never heard of this thing.” It’s a cliff bar. I told her, “I’m vegetarian. I can’t eat with the other guys because they want to go somewhere and eat meat.” She was like “I don’t eat meat either. Except with my pizza and tacos.” I was like “you never had cheese pizza?” She was like, “I love cheese pizza.” • I traveled to Urbana, IL to perform stand up. After the show, we planned to get food but stopped at a gas station first. This is the conversation I had with a gas station clerk and then texted to Ice Cube. I wanted him to think it was funny. If he told me it was funny, I would repeat it over and over. It would become one of My Stories. Ice Cube didn’t say it was funny, but I still like the story fine.
Max Huffman
Joe Sparrow
Luke Myers