Greetings from the narrator
Thank you for being here, and sharing these moments with me. Field notes, it’s an homage to many things. To love in all shapes and sizes, and finding peace in the small moments in life.
If you are finding yourself lost in this point in your life, I want you to know you are not alone.
Field notes is basking in all the moments that may look seemingly normal on the outside, but have so much meaning when you look closer. If you can take anything from this book, please do garner an appreciation for the moments around you.
12
Monday
Its the beginning of a long week
Currently sitting on the subway, line 4 to be exact. Close to Bessarion station and listening to Sit by Japanese Breakfast. I’ve been listening to her Jubilee album a lot recently on repeat. It has such a nostalgic yet empowering feel to it; If that makes sense. I was supposed to see my friend at Don Mills station but I know he was sleeping, so I fully understand. I feel fine. I understand he was tired and sleepy, and I can definitely sympathize.
Lately, I’ve been trying to prioritize myself. To not hold grudges for the sake of my mental wellbeing. I realize many many things are not worth wasting energy on.
Reflecting makes me realize, I am all I’ll ever have. I do not own anyone and no one owns me. Navigating the lines of giving myself the space to grow but also loving myself unconditionally. It is a little difficult, but in all honestly it is not quite bad. It is a universal struggle.
16
I feel sad I
for yet
sad 18
feel sad I feel sad I feel sad but why there’s so much to be grateful
I am still still still
I’ll be okay Soon.
Tuesday
Tiresome
Tuesday
Walking to class, headphones on, I take in the crisp cold air through my nose. I internalize the feeling. Sharp cold air, like ice shards entering into my body, flowing from my nose, into my lungs, the crevices of brain, my ears, my fingertips, and then finally letting the shards gently out through my mouth.
How fitting, Jobless Monday by Mitski starts playing. It’s about struggling to make ends meet, but also the stronge urge to go back in time to experience the past once more. The part that hits me, “Oh I wish when we first met, he didn’t know me yet”. It’s about wanting to go back to how things used to be with a person, but ultimately accepting that it doesn’t matter where you are you are in life, and your reality now. Just the feeling of wanting things to work, and holding onto the hope, that tiny string that you hold onto, hoping things will be alright.
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26
Wednesday
A Break, Finally
Finally sleeping in. After waking up at 6am for the past 2 days, I am, yes commuting. And I am exhausted - does anyone else feel exhausted after commuting, I swear it drains every single cell in my body. But today, I shall indulge, and that is by sleeping in !
Lately, I’ve been not trying to make myself feel guilty for self-care. I want to slowly make myself believe that taking care of yourself, is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You must do what it takes to make yourself feel wonderful, guilt-free. Though, I do feel insane amounts of tiredness, it does not mean, I am not capable, I very much am.
the warm air. I’ll let the warm air encompass my entire body, and for a brief second, I forget all the worries in the world.
Sometimes, I worry. Am I not doing work because I don’t have the energy, or am I not doing work because I lack motivation. Most of the time, I do feel I can work through my tiredness and get work done, but a lot of the times I end up succumbing to my tiredness and just sleep. While I do end up feeling well-rested, I end up in this endless cycle of “self-care” that often results in nothing getting done. I feel guilty because what about the assignments, what about my projects ? Who is going to do it for me. No one, only myself. But for now, I will sit in the comfort of my own bed, and take in
32
Still getting used to the idea that rest should not be a luxury. Still getting used to the idea that rest is a necessity - not a reward. I still find myself feeling much guilt when I take time to do things for myself. This ultimately leads to days where I’m stuck in this grey area of forcing myself to be productive but I physically can’t because my body cannot. This is why breaks are good.
I would like to acknoelwdge however, it’s gotten better. Taking meaningful breaks to unwind and recharge has helped me to feel better about myself. A few things I do unwind are: Play with my cat Mimi, sleep in, go for walks, talk to my wonderful partner, spend time with family. I acknowlege it has been a journey, but I’m still proud of myself, and giving myself a break today without any remose is the goal.
38
Thursday
Class
Well. I forced myself to get out of bed. Despite the urge to skip class and give myself sleep. I fight it because well, I had my rest day. And it’s only going to be more to catch up on if I miss class. Taking 7 courses is quite hectic. While I do find myself doing quite good on staying on top of my work, it can get difficult. Pending deadlines always, work not feeling good enough, and even lack of motivation, these things make it so difficult to be on top of work.
Having low iron in this mixture makes it extremely hard. There’s only so much you can blame your condition until you start pointing at yourself. Honestly, I could be more on top of my health, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like not being tired and actually have the energy to do things. Being energetic, feeling well-rested is a very foreign topic to me.
So I make my way to class at 9am. I grab a Chocolate Croissant, and I take in how wonderful it tastes. No matter what happens, the sweet taste of freshly baked goods can provide a really delightful boost of seratonin. So sweet, perhaps things will be okay.
While walking around, I realize how lucky I am to be able pursue education in a field that I like, at a wonderful school. It is a privillege and I want to be able to push myself to one day find a career in this field. I hope I can.
The future feels scary sometimes. Will I get a job ? Will I be able to meet the expectations of my family and myself ? How will I provide. These are questions I often think about, but for now I will take in how cool my school is, and all the buildings around me.
44
Friends
I’d like to think I spent most of my university life without friends. Most of the times, I would just go to class, and run home to catch the subway to get home. I’m grateful to think now, about all the friends I’ve made in my final year.
Because of the Pandemic, I got closer to many people, and in turn made many friends. Something I am very thankful for. A few of them being people in my program, some from school clubs. Having people I can call friends while at school is quite surreal. In my first few years of university I would often feel lonely. Though I love spending time by myself, I didn’t feel close enough to anyone. It’s different now, and now I look forward to meeting my friends after classes, which is so wonderful.
53
Love
Prior to meeting my current partner, I definitely felt I had a distorted sense of what love is. After going through multiple phases of the other party suddenly losing interest or talking to someone with toxic traits, I never felt a pure harmonious connection that felt right. A lot of it had to do with myself not being ready to be in a relationship because I didn’t love myself. I worked hard to heal myself from within. To ask myself, if I love myself first before I can love others. And to that, I think I can finally answer: Yes. Yes, because I know my self worth and if I don’t love myself, well I can’t love others.
Having feelings of low self-esteem is normal. I still struggle with it from time to time, but I’ve learned that you don’t have to be the most confident person in the room to feel good within yourself. Just carrying yourself with love, and happiness, and even just a tiny ounce of belief that you are worth it, can take you very far.
56
I want to emphasize how wonderful my life feels in my relationship. Through days where I don’t feel my best self, or dealing through things on my own, I now have someone I can lean onto for love and support. Of course this doesn’t mean I am fully reliant on him, and he is not on me either, but it’s quite beautiful to know that I have a special person I can navigate through life together.
I’ve always felt like I loved to love. Previously, I’ve just gave and gave and it never felt reciprocated. It made me wonder if I was too much or overwhelming. But, now, I have a partner that loves me as much as I love him and it’s just the most wonderful secure feeling.
Being able to love someone as much as I love my partner has made me realize, how sweet and pure love can be. It can be being silly together, talking through difficult topics, experimenting out of our comfort zones or even being together in comfortable silence, it always feels nice.
We also have made it clear the importance of enjoying ourselves in the moment. Dealing with anxiousness and pangs of sadness, previously, and very frequently I’d feel scared of the future. Because we talk about the steps we want to take in the future but also treasure and savour our time together I lose feelings of being scared and instead just focus on being grateful for what we have now.
I also find my partner to be so adorable and sweet. I aspire to be as sociable and charming, such a delight to be around. I feel very lucky and grateful all the time, to love someone with my whole heart, to be with a partner who loves me just how I am. It feels so nice to be in a relationship with someone where we both lift eachother up.
Friday
Tired
My Friday classes are at 9am, which means I usually feel super tired from finishing up work late at night the previous. Maybe because I feel drained from the week, or I have no motivation but Friday mornings are definitely my least favourite. They feel so dreadful. It’s good to acknowledge that, the weekend is almost here, but truly I am beyond tired and well the fact that theres one more roadblock left to that is stopping that, makes it that much more dreadful.
I was debating if I should skip my Thesis class, but because my friend messaged me to come, I ended up oom later. Not sure why, but i find the whole class quite hard to go to just because the class lacks structure and it’s a lot of self-discipline.
That is my biggest pitfall. Lacking discipline. No matter what, I’ve struggled with pushing myself to be timely, to implement a sense of structure. And even when I do, it’s so loose and not practiced right. I keep falling into the loop of procrastination and inability to concentrate.
Between class. I manage to get coffee, take a nap break, talk to my professor, and well just exist. I feel this weird in-between, where I am too tired to do work, but not tired enough to go to sleep. Am I okay ?
Eventually, though the day comes to an end, and I know I’ll feel extremely guily for being unproductive but that is just how it is. I know I feel guilty, but the guiltiness I feel is because I truly actually could have been doing work, but it’s just because I couldn’t focus I couldn’t and well the only one I can blame is myself.
66
Walk time
Walking back from class and taking in that I’m finally in my last year. Despite all the suffering and pain, I’ve almost made it. It’s been really hard. I sometimes make out that it’s perhaps myself that is my biggest roadblock. I stop myself from being productive. There are days that are so painfully hard to get by, but I still get by them. And then there are days which feel incredible, and I am very grateful for everything.
I have a hard time focusing for sure. My brain feels foggy and I just can’t do work no matter how much my mind and body want me to. I’m trying to work on it and get better for sure.
To combat this I’ve tried to take advantage of times I feel most productive, and finding environments where I can focus. And most importantly, not giving up on myself and trying my best to push myself to finish my work.
I’ve realized how extremely important it is to give myself proper breaks. Not half effective ones, but breaks where I completely disregard all my work and tasks and instead focus on recharging myself, with no guilt.
As I walk around, I garner an appreciation for the students working hard around me. I appreciate the sharp crisp air of spring mornings. It just smells like finals week. There’s a lot of pressure in the air, students seem stressed, but I can’t help but be grateful for the sun all over me. It makes me think everything is going to be okay. After doing some work, I walk around. I’m proud of myself for making it through this week.
70
Saturday
A Day to Reset
Finally. The weekend. There’s something super comforting knowing that today is Saturday. It is so serene. All the worries I had, the anxiousness, it fades for a bit. Knowing I have the whole day to myself, I wake up excited to know that I can afford to not do anything today and not feel guilty about it.
I think about the giant mess that my room is, and all the work I have due soon. And it worries me a little, but I have to force myself to stop. Yes, it is important, but right now I truly can’t focus if the giant pile of clothes in my room isnt cleaned or if I didn’t eat yet. How do I find the balance between taking care of myself vs my responsibilities. It’s when they bleed into eachother, that I find it really hard to prioritize what to do. I hope it becomes easier soon.
After I clean my room, for what feels like hours, my mom invites me to go shopping. Since it has been a while, we go ! I’m excited, I haven’t had an outing in a while so this should be fun.
I just want to go out and not have to worry about what;s due the next day.
78
Mind Slush
After the trip to the mall, I decide to lay down. Is that the only thing I can do right, just laying down. I guess it is, and that’s okay too. Rest is for my body and health. It is okay to take care of yourself. I have to keep repeating to myself. It is okay. To. Rest. If it’s alright, I’ll end my notes here.
80
Sunday
Time to focus
I don’t know if it’s just me. But I despise Sundays. They start so slow. You tell yourself you have so much time, and then before you know it’s 7pm and you have not done anything.
I woke up slightly earlier today so I got a start on a few things, but not complete. I think that’s also one of my problems, that I can never complete things on time the way I want it. I’ll give myself completely unrealistic deadlines and then be disapointed I can’t finish them.
After spending the morning helping my mom clean the house and take my medications, I get up to finally get some school work done. Lately I’ve been finding having a study buddy or creating an optimal study environment has been helpful. Also completing things that I’ll feel proud of. That seems to be a good motivator for me.
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I’m extremely grateful for everyone in my life. It is such a privilege to be able to express myself in such a raw, vulnerable place, and for that I will always be appreciative.
