FUTURE
IS
TRANS THE
IS LIKE THE OCEAN–EXPANSIVE, MYSTERIOUS, MOVING, BELOVED. REALIZING I WAS TRANS WAS LIKE LOOKING AROUND AND FINALLY SEEING THAT I WAS AT SEA.
GENDER
SOMETIMES THE WAVES ROCKED GENTLY AND OTHER TIMES THEY CRASHED. MY STEPS WERE UNSTEADY BUT MY SPIRIT WAS AWESTRUCK. GENDER IS LIKE THE OCEAN.
BUT GENDER IS ALSO THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT YOU NEVER ASKED FOR. ASSIMIL LIKE THRUST INTO YOUR HANDS AS ONLOOKERS STARE EXPECTING DELIGHT, IT SUBMISSION? ATION? OR IS
HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE THE FIRST MOMENT YOU SEE YOUR FACE AS HANDSOME INSTEAD OF UN-BEAUTIFUL? I THOUGHT I TAUGHT MY MOUTH HOW TO SMILE BUT IT NEVER LOOKED QUITE RIGHT–I UNWRAPPED AND REWRAPPED THE PACKAGING TURNED GENDER IN BETWEEN MY FINGERS, TUCKED IT BEHIND MY EARS, INTO THE CROOK OF MY NECK, HELD IT TENSELY IN MY HUNCHED SHOULDERS. I STILL REMEMBER THE CONVERSATIONS THAT RATTLED ME, THE EARLY CRACKS AND SPLINTERS,
GENDER BECAME EVERYTHING AND NOTHING. TEETH GNASHED, LIPS SMACKED, MY EARS LEARNED HOW TO LISTEN FOR A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, I TRAINED MY MOUTH INTO A NEW SHAPE I MADE SOUNDS I DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED. THE FUTURE I COULDN’T IMAGINE BECAME A RELIC OF A DISTANT PAST.
I WANT MY GENDER TO BE LIKE THE OCEAN.
AND MAYBE I’M SAYING I WANT SOMETHING BEYOND THE SHORE OF GENDER– SWALLOWED UP BY THE HORIZON, CRADLED AND CARED FOR BY THE WAVES, NEVER TO BE PERCEIVED AGAIN.
TRANSNESS BECAME A KIND OF RADIO SIGNAL TRANSMITTED UNDERGROUND A LOW FREQUENCY HUM A WHISPER THAT GREW INTO A STORY PASSED BETWEEN STRANGERS LOVERS FRIENDS SABOTEURS ACCOMPLICES
TWO BEINGS WITH GENDERS OF CLOUDS SWELLING AT SEA BEFORE A STORM, TRANSNESS IS GAZING KNOWINGLY AT EACH OTHER WHEN WE PASS –“DID YOU HEAR? ANOTHER WORLD EXISTS FOR YOU AND IT WAS HERE ALL ALONG?”
BECAME EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MY HAIR MY HANDS MY HEART I BECAME EVERYTHING AND NOTHING, A RECLAMATION // A REMIX // A SACRIFICE. I ASKED QUESTIONS I STIRRED THE SEA I WANTED TO HEAR THE FEAR THAT RUSHING SOUND BEHIND MY EARS I HELD THE GRIEF –WE HELD THE GRIEF –TO BE TRANS IS TO HOLD THE GRIEF OF UNCHARTEDNESS, ERASURE, ERADICATION.
GENDER
GENDER PERSISTS AS SOMETHING ALWAYS A LITTLE UNKNOWABLE, I THINK THERE’S A BEAUTY IN UNKNOWING. I CHOSE TO UNKNOW THE UNWANTED GIFT OF GENDER–REWIRE MY BRAIN AND STEER A DIFFERENT COURSE.
TRANSNESS BECAME DECONSTRUCTION // DESTRUCTION I BECAME THE BEAST WITH MANY EYES
THE CHILL DOWN YOUR SPINE A TRICK OF THE LIGHT THE WHISPER THAT ONLY YOU CAN HEAR DEEP IN THE NIGHT INTANGIBLE UNGRASPABLE HOT TO THE TOUCH OUR BODY BECAME SACRED AND SINISTER.
TRANSNESS RECONSTITUTION // RE THE BATTING ABOUT TO THE GAT BREATH YOUR IT EC DID YOU TO BE IS TO THE OF POSS PUT ACT
BECAME IMAGINING // REVOLUTION OF WINGS TAKE FLIGHT HERING OF DEEP IN CHEST HOES KNOW TRANS BE FEELING IBILITY INTO ION?
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