Brilliant stories, songs and musings from Paula, Janine and Jeanette.
WARNING
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These stories are the original work of the very talented, respected author, Paula Anne Cole from Glenfield New Zealand.
HARD TIMES IN LOCKDOWN Paula Cole
Penelope sighed and switched off the news. “Did you hear that, she called out to her husband, another 100 days of solitude they're telling us”. It was a miserable wet day, the house looked so bleak and she couldn't go out and potter around the shops. Food supplies were getting low, she'd ask him to go to the supermarket, though after that last visit he made, he took so long she wondered what he was up to. Ulysses came in looking bored. “Will you go and get a few things, we need some more meat and wine, whatever you fancy. I need to get these orders finished, got to spin some more wool, never have enough”. Driving along the nearly deserted streets, Ulysses felt a stir of excitement. He liked those check-out girls at their local supermarket, they always seemed so pleased to see him. A little harmless “love” in the time of this damn virus, just what he needed. Must be careful though, got to find a fine balance in these days when actions can be misunderstood. He was pleased to see several of his old mates waiting in the queue. They'd had some great times in the past, those holiday trips, just about gone around the world in 80 days. Standing well away from the others, shuffling along and getting wet, he was relieved to finally get inside the bright warm shop. What was he supposed to be getting, certainly needed some wine, maybe some fish. Mustn't be too long though, Penny would want to know why. Lolita was exhausted. She'd been on duty for five hours already, the face mask looked so unattractive and her hair needed cutting. Look at all these old people, she thought, talk about 50 shades of grey! Glancing up at the next customer, she saw that old guy who always wanted to talk to her. The one with that weird name, what was it, something they'd done at school, no, can't think about it now, nearly lunch time, thank god, here comes Dave Copperfield to take over, pity he's gay, she quite fancies him. Ulysses was disappointed. He wanted to be served by that girl, but that young chap Penny likes had taken her place. Now he needed to get back home, must remember to wash his hands before he unpacked, then open that wine and try once again to read War and Peace.
Thanks to the following for inspiration: Hard Times Charles Dickens Homer's The Odyssey l00 Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez Bleak House Charles Dickens Ulysses James Joyce Love in the Time of Cholera Gabriel Garcia Marquez A Fine Balance Robinson Mistry Around the World in 80 Days Jules Verne Lolita Vladimir Nabokov 50 Shades of Grey E L James David Copperfield Charles Dickins War and Peace Leo Tolstoy
I am going around the world
with Captain Ulysses and checkout chick Lolita.
I heard on the news ‌‌. flash Paula Cole
there's been a Death in Venice, must have been the English Patient, what a waste giving him a Room with a View! He could have stayed with us at Casablanca, we've plenty of room.
I've been invited to have Tea with Mussolini. The devil might wear Prada, but what can I co
Talking to Billy Elliott the other day, hasn't he done well! Did you know me up with? Wish The Dressmaker was still around, she was so creative. I've got those Kinky Boots still in the wardrobe, that's a start. Did you know they were Made in Dagenham? he's going to do The Full Monty at the Palladium next week?
Don't know about you, but Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Why? What's she done now? Isn't she the one like A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Oh, not her then, must be thinking of one of those Military Wives.
Strange times we're living in, bit like The War of the Worlds, isn't it. Never knowing where it will strike next. Feel as though The Terminator and Mad Max are behind all this trouble. I'm sure they were responsible for the Towering Inferno, even though they said in Court they were holidaying in Chicago.
He'll be in for his dinner soon, he's been Saving Private Ryan, poor man fell off The Bridge on the River Kwai, but I hear he's improving. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner Sunday, no, don't be so silly, it's not The Invisible Man. Honestly, the things you come up with............. Paula Cole
TALKING WITH A FRIEND Paula Cole
Yes, I know the times are changing, wearing a flower in your hair indeed, how's that supposed to help? We were walking along the Yellow Brick Road yesterday, saw Eleanor Rigby, boy, she could do with a holiday, she looked awful. Why don't you try the Hotel California, we suggested, or if you're going to San Francisco, don't forget to put some flowers in your hair, which, by the way, though of course I didn't say, would look ridiculous on her.
Al wants to go to Copacabana this year. I bet he wants to see that Girl from Ipanema again. Your remember, her in that itsy bitsy yellow bikini, what a sight. Talk about Fat Bottom Girls. Come fly with me, I said to him, to New York. NEW YORK I shouted, why won't he use his hearing aids? We'll probably end up staying home, wasn't there something on the news about some Chinese thing making people sick? Not that we'd want to go there anyway. Must remember to phone the Simpsons and ask about Jolene. They'd told her not to take her gun to town, but would she listen! I know she's staying alive but Al thinks she's looking at the Stairway to Heaven. Her poor family, I mean. How can you mend a broken heart? Hold on a minute, Peggy Sue, Al's fallen over, Al, lean on me honey. Phone you back....
HOT WEATHER RAMBLING
Stinking hot today, 42 degrees at High Noon (why “high” noon, surely noon is noon?), take
no notice, I'm rambling but this weather must be coming Out of Africa. Days like this I hate living in Oklahoma, actually not just days like this. Wonder what it would be like being Castaway on the Blue Lagoon with the Quiet American, we could eat/pray/love, surely I could get him to talk? Does anyone actually know his name?
Is that the Sound of Music I can hear? The Jazz Singer lives across the road, the Blues Brothers often join him for a session. When they see me they always call out “Hello Dolly” it's nice to be noticed when you are Home Alone.
Got to be careful not to get Psycho when you're stuck inside, could be a Lethal Weapon, I could end up like the guy in One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.
I was thinking about that old song North to Alaska in an effort to cool off, if the airlines ever start up again, Bonnie and Clyde would probably come, they always want to get away.
Song titles....... Bad, bad Leroy Brown, driving along like a Bat out of Hell, with his terrified girlfriend Caroline (such a sweetie) in the passenger seat of his old Falcon.
Looks like it's raining men, she yelled. Can you see them? I can see clearly now, Leroy shouted, that's not men, babe, it's angels.
Take a look at me now, she cried as Leroy lost control of the car and it slammed into a tree, Baby come back, I'm sorry now, it's too late, Caroline whispered but My Heart will go on, remember I'm an organ donor.
FILM TITLES Paula Cole
The Hunchback of Notre Dame stared morosely into his empty glass. He ignored the girls coming on to dance the CanCan, he wasn't interested in them. The manager of the Moulin Rouge kept on at him, “it's time to come out, get out of the closet, it's the best thing I ever did”, he said. The hunchback thought to himself, yes, and you look like the African Queen (or was that a boat?) prancing around Singing in the Rain. Going outside, sitting On the Waterfront, staring into the Seine, he wondered what to do. Perhaps he could go on a Roman Holiday, he seen one advertised and it wasn't too expensive. His friend Count Dracula might come, maybe Tarzan could be the Third Man? No, that was just him being silly, of course Tarzan wouldn't come, he hated travelling in cities. Better get home, that damn bell needs ringing, why is there never a Taxi when you want one? Here's one now, oh god, it's that weird Taxi Driver, does he never sleep? Perhaps he'd like to come on that Roman Holiday? Could he be gay, you can't ask, can you. Letting himself back in, he thought it's like the Ice Age in here, I'm Frozen already. Some like it Hot but I prefer “cloudy with a chance of meatballs” what a laugh that was! Better get on, work to be done, be lovely to have Breakfast at Tiffany's but its a long way to go. Whoops, shut that door, or I'll be Gone with the Wind.
KEEPING THE CHILDREN OCCUPIED Paula Cole “I wish to could go out to play, said Noddy, I'm bored”. Mother stopped dusting and looked at him. “Why don't you pretend to be the Famous Five” she said. Big Ears would like that, then there's Mr. Happy, Little Miss Sunshine and what about Mary? No, she's quite contrary, better not. You could have an adventure in the garden.”
“That's only four, Mummy, who else can come?” Mother thought hard, it was important to have someone suitable, one had to maintain certain standards, especially in these trying times. There was that little girl called Alice, who lived on the next street in a large house called Wonderland (odd name for it, but still) perhaps if she wore a mask and washed her hands,
it would be alright. “I'll phone Alice's mother and if she's allowed, Nanny can bring her here for tea, then you can all go outside and play”.
Alice arrived but she insisted on bringing the dormouse with her. “I'm sorry, Madam,” said Nanny, “but she made such a fuss about leaving him behind”. Mother sighed, she hated mice of any sort, but Noddy was so pleased to see Alice, she musn't disappoint him. “Off you all go” she cried gaily, “have a super time being the Famous Five”.
Continued “I'm already famous” said Alice smugly, as she joined the others. Mother looked at the clock, Algernon would be home from the City in a couple of hours and she wondered what they could have for supper. She'd disapproved of all that panic
buying some of the neighbours had done, but she was starting to regret it. The butcher no longer delivered, there was some of that rabbit stew left, it would have to do. Algernon was furious his wine merchant had closed his shop, but we all have to make sacrifices.
“Time to come inside, children” she called. It had been another very long day, she could hardly remember what life had been like before all this unpleasant business. Keep calm and carry on, they have been told, stiff upper lip and set an example to the working (or not) classes. One must do one's best.
STOP THAT CLOSE CONTACT...... A Classic Tale Paula Cole
Athena was so annoyed How could she get Zeus to understand it was so important, even he needed to obey the lockdown. All the women, the disguises he comes up with, I've never forgotten that time he made himself into a swan, poor Leda, she ended up laying an egg, how undignified! And what about Europa, there's something about having a relationship with a bull that's so unhealthy, no wonder a virus can spread so easily. I mean, I know I've got an unusual ancestry and Dad's had some very nasty habits, though he's not much of a meat eater these days. Jason's gone off on some hare-brained voyage, surely he knew what had happened to all those passengers who became sick and ended up stuck on ships all around the Mediterranean. I even saw some smaller cruise ships in the Aegean sea when I flew over. One thing about wearing a helmet (not that's it does much for my hair!) and with my shield held up in front when I go out, I feel quite safe.
These stories are the original work of the very talented, respected author Janine Hummel
Apologies Tess of the D'Urbervilles T Hardy Far from the Madding Crowd “ A Walk in the Woods B Bryson The Mayor of Casterbridge “ Murder Most Foul A Christie Emma J Austen As I Lay Dying W Faulkner Julius Caesar W Shakespeare The Woodlanders T Hardy The Blind Assassin M Atwood Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf A play by E Albee Much Ado about Nothing W Shakespeare Brideshead Revisited E Waugh
Nicholas Nickelby C Dickens Jude the Obscure T Hardy Jane Eyre C Bronte Pride and Prejudice J Austen the Tenant of Wildfell Hall A Bronte Mill on the Floss G Eliot Samuel Pepys Diary 1984 G Orwell Future Shock A Toffer
Cautionary Tale: Mother Knows Best Janine Hummel Tess Durbeyfield was a real country lass; she enjoyed wandering the heaths and moors. She stayed away from crowds, found them quite madding. Her BFF (Best Friend Forever for non-millennials) was Virginia.
On March 15th they were looking forward to going to a dance in the nearby village of Casterbridge. They'd been invited by the mayor, who was a friend of Tess's mother, Emma. Emma tried to deter the girls from going out that night. “It's the Ides of March “, she said. “Don't go to the dance. Stay home, there's a killer out there.”
“Do you mean an assassin Mum, a murderer roaming round blindly killing people?” asked Tess. “Worse than that” said her mother, “it's invisible, a virus!” “I don't believe that,” said Virginia who was not afraid. “It's nothing, just much ado.” So the girls went to the dance anyway. It was quite a distance to travel so along the way they visited Brideshead for a drink and a rest.
The dance was wonderful. Tess loved dancing with Nick Nickelby, she quite fancied him. Across the floor she thought she saw Jude, but the light wasn't very good and his face was hidden in shadow.
Village dancers starring Nick N
Continued
She saw that new girl, Jane from the village. She was with a weird guy they called Rochester. He didn't let her dance with anyone else. Many of the people present were red in the face and coughing and spluttering and Tess felt her face getting hot.
A couple of days later they learned of deaths in the village. They heard of their neighbours dying in droves, including Elizabeh Bennett. The virus was without prejudice and the whole family succumbed. Then there was the guy who was renting the Hall at Wild-something or other, and that woman who lived at the mill down at
the Floss, wherever that was. Tess, now bedridden, thought that while she was able she should document this illness; keep a diary like that guy Sam, years ago.
I mean, in 1984 who could have foreseen there would be a shock such as this in the future? “This is no walk in the woods Mum,” she said. “This is murder most foul albeit of the invisible kind.” Alas, it was too late for Tess. She told her Mother, “I'm going to complete this as I lay dying.” And she did; die that is. She was buried by the Woodlanders on the heath she loved so much.
Assassinated
Oh dear……
A SONG FOR YOU, TO THE TUNE OF WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR Paula Cole.
What shall we do when this is over? What shall we do when this is over? What shall we do when this is over? When Covid-19's over? Tears of joy and hugs all round Tears of joy and hugs all round Tears of joy and hugs all round When all this is over Sip that coffee, oh the flavour Sip that coffee, oh the flavour Sip that coffee, oh the flavour When all this is over Get that hair cut, see the barber Get that hair cut, see the barber Get that hair cut, see the barber When all this is over Shop when we like, go for a hike Shop when we like, go for a hike Shop when we like, go for a hike When all this is over Ditch those masks and sanitiser Ditch those masks and sanitiser Ditch those masks and sanitiser Now Covid-19's over NOW COVID-19'S OVER
For everything there is a season A time to sweep, let that dust go A time to mow, then watch the grass grow A time to reap and a time to sow Oh no, not more spinach let those leaves go A time to start painting, those walls are waiting. A time to weep and a time to wail, then maybe tomorrow, get out the paint pail.
Paula Cole
Janine’s reply Sun's gone now, time to head indoors Clean the windows, do the chores Wash the linen, sweep the floors. Time to stop the dust from swirling, Make the cake I've long been promising. Strange times we live in, we have to say Staying home saves lives, it's the new way. Boris in hospital, the Queen on TV George Pell back in the Holy Sea.
"I've got rhythm" they say in the song, Perhaps we'll meet there before too long. But don't hold your breath, now we're in isolation, Only time will tell when you get that vacation. But enough of this gloom and doom talk, The sun's coming out, time to go for a walk.
Song Titles: I like to be in America Do you know the way to San Jose? No? Well let's go to San Francisco. We can do some California Dreaming and Surfin' USA. Don't stay at Heartbreak Hotel, the Purple People Eater plays rock around the clock all night long. Stay at Hotel California, order tea for two under the boardwalk, twisting the night away and watching the blue moon. When morning has broken get homeward bound, getting your kicks on rout 66, go via yellow brick road to Chicago, Benny and the jets and Rocketman live there.
Blue Moon Blue Moon, You saw me standing alone, It's so you won't get what I've got. Just keep in touch by phone. Blue Moon I have to self isolate. Please buy bread and milk for me And leave them at the gate. Blue Moon I may not ever get right There is no cure for this thing I may go out like a light. Janine Hummel
My name's Grey, Charlotte Grey.
Janine Hummel
You won't have heard of me for a while. I've been working undercover with MI6. I was living in Mississippi. Summer, and the mercury was rising. Another dog day afternoon. The roofs were so hot the cats were dancing. I was suffering from the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, my head was in la la land. In the heat of the night I got a call from my old friend Bond, James Bond. He was working with Dr Zhivago on Ice station Zebra. He was on a mission impossible tracking an invisible virus and it wasn't going well. He could use my help. Why didn't I head north by north west and escape the heat on Ice Station Zebra. Never one to cry wolf, there was something about this call of the wild that appealed. Besides my mind had become a bit too spotless of late and I quite fancied a spot of love in a cold climate with the dishy Dr Zhivago. Before you could say JoJo Rabbit I was on my way. Since it was by then the dead of winter, I arranged to spend a White Christmas with them in the frozen north. What started out as a good idea quickly became a disaster. I just didn't have the right gear for whiteout conditions. It was
eight below when, out hunting, we came across White Fang. In the moonlight, in my haste to get away, I ran across the ice as fast as my happy feet could carry me. I was frozen to the bone. This winter's tale did not have a happy ending. You can keep the far country in the frozen north. I just wanted to get back to sunshine in Brooklyn. You know, some like it hot and that includes me. Anyway, when you get home you soon forget the bad bits, don't you? That brief encounter with the dishy Dr Zhivago is what I remember most. La doce vita, you might say. For now, though, I'm just the spy who came in from the cold.
This story is the original work of the very talented, respected author Jeanette Cox.
She awoke to the sound of doves cooing. The sun shone through the half opened shutters of the window beside her bed. Time to get up. Shower and change into something suitable for a cold crisp day. Breakfast was the usual of cereal and fruit and a mug of milky tea. She opened the front door and was assailed by the cold air hitting her uncovered face and hands. A blackbird pecking for worms on the lawn looked over and pondered whether it was safe to stay where he was or fly away. Setting off down the pathway leading from her home she was reminded of the seasons as golden autumn leaves were beginning to appear on a nearby Liquid Amber. No one was about, silence, apart from a tui calling from a tree, and it felt good to be out. She walked quickly thinking to herself that this isolation bit could work for her as it seemed as though the world had stopped and it was time to take a deep breath, relax and enjoy this quiet solitude. A lady appeared at the door of her home, wrapped in a pink woollen house coat, with her fine white hair flying in all directions. She was collecting her paper from the letterbox and when looking up gave a huge smile and a wave. No words were necessary, we both acknowledged it was good to be alive and able to take gulps of this fresh clean air.
By now the muscles in my legs were beginning to make their presence felt and it was time to return home. To isolation. Jeanette Cox.
Thank you to the 3 talented ladies (I use this term lightly) and not to be confused with “loosely speaking�.
Without whom this magnificent publication would not have been possible.