SUICIDE A Journey Through Suicide by Kayla Stoecklein

A JOURNEY through

SUICIDE

Mental illness came rushing into our world at full speed, and before we could even catch our breath, he was gone. How did we go from living our dream life to living our worst nightmare?

– Kayla Stoecklein

Pastor’s wife, Kayla Stoecklein, lost her husband to suicide in August 2018. She shares an intimate account of his harrowing battle with mental illness and her journey to ultimately overcome the stigma of suicide in her book, Fear Gone Wild.

The day Andrew died will forever be etched into my mind: August 25, 2018, the darkest day of my life. The day everything changed. The day my old life died and a different, unwanted life began. This new life terrified me to my core. It was a life I didn’t want to live alone, a life I hadn’t signed up for. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my guy back. I wanted to wake up from this horrific nightmare. The next morning, the news of Andrew’s passing was announced at our church, and I made my own announcement on Instagram to update my friends who were praying and to protect and honour my guy. Suicide wouldn’t get the last word. “Last night, the love of my life, the father of my children, and the pastor of our incredible church took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. It wasn’t the miracle I was hoping for, but he is now in heaven with his dad, free of pain, free of depression and anxiety. He was an amazing husband. He truly made me better, made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and he loved me so deeply. We fit so well together; we were one. He was an amazing daddy; his three boys are going to miss him so much. He had such a unique and special relationship with each of them. He was an incredibly gifted teacher, communicator, and pastor. He was special, one of a kind, and will be missed by thousands of people all around the world. Please pray for me and the boys. I don’t know how I am going to face this. I am completely heartbroken, lost and empty. Never in a million years would I have imagined this would be the end of his story. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions, please tell someone. Please make sure you’re not alone, and please call a friend or family member before you make that irreversible decision. You are loved and valued more than you know! #godsgotthis As I look back on the words I shared that day, there is one word that stands out boldly to me: decision. It’s a word I have been grappling with since the day of Andrew’s suicide. I have a very difficult time believing his suicide was a decision, and I would rather categorise it as a tragic accident. I have determined that the word decision and committed are actually wrong words to attach to suicide. The words committed suicide heap shame and blame onto the shoulders of the person who died. The word committed is one we attach to phrases like “committed a sin” or “committed murder” or “committed a crime”. It ignores the fact that suicide is often the result of

Instagram Kayla Stoecklein

underlying mental illness. If someone had a heart condition and experienced a heart attack, we wouldn’t say that person “committed a heart attack”. Dying by suicide is the same, and I believe died by suicide is the best phrase to use. It clearly sends the message that the death was caused by a mental condition, not a decision. This change in language might seem small or insignificant, but its not. Our words matter. Our words carry weight; our words have consequences. Our words have the power to speak life or evoke pain and shame over someone. When we pay attention to the words we use to describe mental health issues, we fling the door wide open for our loved ones to finally feel brave enough to speak up, step out, raise their hands, and say, “I need help”. If we want to save lives and break the stigma, we have to choose our words wisely. Our words should reflect the truth that people matter; they matter to God, and they matter to us. Every single life is valuable, and every single life is worth fighting for.

If we want to save lives and break the stigma, we have to choose our words wisely. Our words should reflect the truth that people matter. – Kayla Stoecklein

When his mind was fit and strong, he would have never predicted his life would come to a sudden and tragic end by suicide at only thirty years old.

– Kayla Stoecklein

Image: Instagram Kayla Stoecklein

FEAR GONE WILD

I want you to know my Andrew for who he was. The man I fell madly in love with. This is the healthy Andrew I wanted to grow old with, the man I chose to live out my forever with. When his mind was fit and strong, he would have never predicted his life would come to a sudden and tragic end by suicide at only thirty years old. But it did. Mental illness came rushing into our world at full speed, and before we could even catch our breath, he was gone. How did we go from living our dream life to living our worst nightmare? There is so much I would do differently if I could do it all over again, and if Andrew were here. I’m confident he would do the same. I’ve come to hate parts of the story I share in my book. I would never have chosen them. Maybe you, too, are living in a reality you never saw coming. If you are walking alongside someone who is struggling with mental illness, then the words in this book are for you. If you are facing a mental health diagnosis you never saw coming, then the words in this book are for you. If you’ve lost someone to suicide, then the words in this book are for you. If you have never been touched by the pain of mental illness and know absolutely nothing about it, then the words in this book are still for you. Why? Because we all need to hear this message. We all need to be better equipped and educated when it comes to mental health. Today, right now, this moment matters. I believe God wants to meet us right where we are. In this book, you may not find all of the answers you are looking for, but you will find a friend who understands your pain and an even greater Friend who calls you by name. One way or another, we will find our way again as we journey through the unexpected wilderness – not alone, but together.

Taken from Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein Copyright © 2020 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson. www. thomasnelson.com.

FEAR GONE WILD A Story of Mental Illness, Suicide and Hope through Loss By Kayla Stoecklein

Available from www.amazon.com www.koorong.com