adoption
Volume 22 Fall 2014
FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community
Speciale Featotduo rwhile What t, p. 12 you wai
Back to school 101: Advice for parents and teachers
Dear birth parents
Aboriginal adoption
Changing your child’s birth date
Meet the Pinksens
Big problems, bigger promises
An open letter from an adoptee, p. 3
Top tips from an experienced social worker, p. 10
A how-to guide from a lawyer and adoptive parent, p. 11
A very special small-town family, p. 22
The Representative for Children and Youth’s new report, p. 26
Contents Inside this issue: Community
Parenting
6 15 27 30
7 Extreme parenting: taking charge with love 8 Ask the expert: Dr. Gunderson, part two 14 Living openness: shades of meaning 24 The promise of neurotherapy
Regional focus: Interior region Picture Perfect photo contest winners Fall events Resources
Advice 10 11 12 20
Choosing Aboriginal adoption: top tips Changing your adopted child’s birth date What to do while you wait Back to school 101
News 2 Editor’s letter 4 News & notes 18 Celebrations 26 Big problems, bigger promises
The promise of neurotherapy Drug-free hope for adopted children, Page 24
Family 3 Dear birth parents 13 Waiting for you... 22 Everyone has a story: meet the Pinksens
Reviews 28 Earth to Echo 29 Books & media
Dear birth parents An open letter from an adoptee, Page 3
Back to school 101 B.C.’s Waiting Kids 16 Meet six super kids!
On our cover This adorable autumn shot of siblings Cyril and Sofie was captured by dad Mike Fitzgerald, and was submitted to our 2014 Picture Perfect Photo Contest.
Advice for parents and teachers, Page 20
adoption FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families
Editor’s letter Celebrate adoption! November is Adoption Awareness Month throughout Canada. Why is awareness for adoption still needed? Everyone knows what adoption is, don’t they? What’s left to talk about? What we still need to talk about are the thousands of children in B.C. who are still waiting for a home. Over 4,000 children in foster care in BC lack a permanency plan of any kind, according to a recent review of BC’s provincial adoption program, which we discuss on pg. 26. We need to talk about the fact that even when we do find families for waiting children and youth, the job of parenting them can be challenging—sometimes extremely challenging. We need to bring awareness to the unique supports and services that adoptive families need, like the Ivers in our Extreme Parenting series (pg. 7). We still need to talk about adoptive families like Charlotte Taylor’s (pg. 14) who are often struggling with the special issues involved in being a transracial family, and who require tailored support and education. We need to talk about the reality that for every successful open adoption, there are still many adoptees and birth parents who are searching for each other or meeting for the first time. These individuals, like Bianca Bujan on pg. 3, often need help and guidance through the difficult journey of reuniting and building new family systems. We still need to explain that roughly half of the children waiting for homes in BC have ties to the Aboriginal community, and that we need to respect and celebrate their cultures, communities, and spirits, as Kelly Davie so eloquently describes on pg. 10. And we need to talk about bureauocratic issues, like birthdates (pg. 11), which can pose significant challenges for adoptive families. These issues need attention and advocacy so that our laws and processes can become more inclusive of all types of families. There’s lots to talk about in the world of adoption, but there’s also lots to celebrate. Join us this November at one of our many Adoption Awareness Month community events. And I hope to see you at Family Ties, our exciting evening celebration on November 21 (back cover)!
Mary Caros Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine
Advertising The deadline for placing and paying for ads is two months prior to publication. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.
Contributions Focus on Adoption welcomes articles, letters, personal stories, photos and artwork. All may be edited for length and suitability. While Focus on Adoption welcomes differing opinions, they are not necessarily those of the publisher. Reprint Permission Policy: contact the editor at editor@bcadoption.com
Magazine staff Editor: Mary Caros Assistant Editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Graphic Design: Joyce Lu Copy Editor: Sheryl Salloum Design concept: Junxion Strategy www.junxionstrategy.com
Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001
Disclaimer The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Focus on Adoption. Many contributing writers to Focus on Adoption are experts from various fields and provide advice to our readers on their individual specialties, but readers should be aware that specific advice can only be given by qualified professionals who are fully aware of a family’s circumstances. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk, and we carry no responsibility for the opinions expressed and assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance on it. © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2014
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Choosing Aboriginal adoption: top tips BY KELLY DAVIE
Are you adopting children of Aboriginal heritage, or thinking about it? Indigenous social worker Kelly Davie shares her wisdom about travelling this unique path. Keep an open heart, an open mind, and laughter in your life; it will serve the family well. Be patient with yourself and others, and persevere. The path to permanency can be much longer than we first imagine. Indigenous culture is diverse, with many languages, traditions, beliefs, and values. That being said, there are commonalities amongst our Nations. Depending on the child or youth’s walk in life, culture may be rich in their lives or it may have yet to be nurtured. You must be willing to meet them wherever they are at. A strong identity equals a strong foundation. It is often heard said, “You must know where you come from to know where you are going.” Be curious about the child’s culture and traditions, nurture and grow that connection, and seek out mentors and positive role models for your child, as well as opportunities to learn their language, art, music, and foods. Make space for this learning and allow it to be primary in the child’s identity along with all that you bring into the child’s life. This will serve the child and your family well in the years ahead. Participate in activities and celebrations, listen to what is being shared, and ask questions when appropriate. Be a humble learner. When it is time for you to be gifted with knowledge, it will be provided, and with respect it will be given life through your words and actions. Be creative in reflecting the teachings in your home life and way of being within your family and community. Find the similarities and speak to them. You may find your family grows in a great big way as you come to see that connectedness is vital to an Indigenous conceptualization of overall wellness: connectedness to family, to community, to the living world around us, and to spirit. Wellness is a balance in one’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life. Seek guidance and support to assist you in contributing to this good health for the child, youth, and your family. Walk alongside the child or youth and offer the unconditional love and enduring support we all need to flourish.
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Indigenous or non-Indigenous, growing your family through providing a home for children or youth is, in my belief, part of the healing journey for the child, youth, family, community, Nation, and country. It impacts us all. What you set out to do is so very important! My sharing here is done with a great respect for those individuals and experiences that have informed me along the way. As a woman of mixed ancestry, Tsimshian and British, and as an Indigenous social worker, I am always learning from the generosity of elders, mentors, co-workers, families and community members. I share in hopes that it supports us all in serving our children in a good way.
Dorothy “Kelly” Davie lives with her husband and two sons on Coast Salish Territory along the east coast of Vancouver Island. Like strips of cedar woven together to create something strong, beautiful, and lasting, so too are the individuals within her family woven together through birth and adoption. Her passion for children and families is what brought Kelly to AFABC, and she is honored to work as a Child Specific Family Recruiter (CSR).
Resources Friendship Centres in British Columbia Vancouver Aboriginal Friendship Centre (www.vafcs.ca) offers family- and youth-friendly activities such as a girls’ group and pow-wow nights throughout the year. Fraser Region Aboriginal Friendship Centre (www.frafca.org) in Surrey offers regular daytime drop-in programs and a weekly family night. Victoria Native Friendship Centre (www.vnfc.c) hosts regular culture nights and family nights, as well as a preschool and many other programs. Even more friendship centres are listed at www.bcaafc.com. More families for Aboriginal kids AFABC has partnered with provincial Aboriginal agencies to create new ways of finding families for Aboriginal children and youth. Find out more about this exciting program at www.bcadopt.com.
Back to school 101 School 101 for adoptive parents Starting school for the first time or starting a new school year can present challenges for adoptive parents and their children. We wrote this guide to help you and your child prepare and to avoid some of the problems you may encounter.
Preparing for school • Ask if you can sit in on a school assembly. This is a good way to get a feel for the school in terms of its diversity. Talk to the principal about how the school approaches the subject of different kinds of families. • Attend an open PAC meeting. Once your child is at school, PAC meetings are also a great place to promote adoption awareness and sensitivity. • Make an appointment to meet with your child’s teacher. It may be wise to explain that your child is adopted and that sensitivity around assignments about the family, or children sharing information about their history, is needed. • Encourage principals, counsellors, and teachers to use positive adoption language (see chart on the next page). • Donate a book about adoption to your school’s library. Suggest other adoption-related titles for the librarian to include in the next order of new books. • With the permission of your child, make a presentation to their class or at a faculty meeting. You can call AFABC for help with this. • Scout out other adoptive families in the school. Your children may make friends with other adoptees, and you will have other adoptive parents with whom to share ideas and solve problems.
Newly adopted older kids • If your child needs to spend more time attaching to you, or is immature for their age, consider delaying or skipping kindergarten. • Take your child to the school before the first day to look around and meet the teacher. This is especially important for those who find change and transitions difficult. • Be realistic about your child’s abilities. Interruptions in attachment, early deprivations, cultural differences, and multiple moves can cause a child to act younger than they are and learn more slowly.
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• If your child has attachment, grief and loss, or abuse issues, make sure that the school counsellors and teachers are aware of this. • If your child has FASD, make sure that their teachers understand. Otherwise, they may assume your child is misbehaving when they are actually struggling because of FASD. • Each child with special needs is entitled to an Individualized Education Plan to meet their learning and developmental needs. . • If your child has special needs, bring all available medical records, assessments, and Individualized Education Plans when you register.
International adoption • When you register your child, bring their birth certificate and any immigration documents, such as a citizenship card. • Provide staff with information on the effects of orphanage life. In many cases, the child will be developmentally behind children of the same age. • Though the school may insist that your child joins a grade consistent with his or her age, insist they are put in a lower grade if that doesn’t seem right. • Don’t rush your older child straight into school, especially if they don’t speak English. Allow your child to adjust to the new home, community, and family, and gain some basic English skills. • Expecting older adopted children to develop proficient English language skills within one or two years of adoption is unrealistic. • Most schools have ESL classes and language-support programs. High schools also have learning resource centres.
Racism and school • You will have to prepare your child for hurtful and racist comments at school. Make sure your child knows that you are always available to talk. Offer comfort, validate feelings, and teach your child strategies to deal directly with racist comments. • When racist situations occur, talk with the principal, teachers and counsellors about solutions and make sure they follow up. • Other transracial adoptive families have already had to handle racism at school, and they can be a great source of advice. Join a local adoption group, or call AFABC for a buddy parent in your area.
Adoption 101 for teachers
Ways to help
Each year, around 550 children are adopted by B.C. families. There are probably children in your class who have joined their family through adoption. We have prepared this article to help you understand the issues that adoptees may face at school and how you can help them.
You can create a safe and supportive environment for adoptees in your class by doing some very simple things:
Use respectful adoption language
• Set the tone for acceptance of adoption. Calm, thoughtful comments or responses to questions about adoption send the message that adoption is a normal way to bring families together. • Teach the children that adoptive families are just one of many family models (e.g. blended, step, single-parent, same-sex, foster) and that all types of families are real.
Out of date:
Respectful:
Own child, natural child
Birth child
Real parents, natural parents
Birth parents
Gave up, gave away
Made an adoption plan
Keeping her baby
Parenting her child
• Children should be allowed to be in control of the information about their adoption story. Take their lead about what they choose to share. Try to answer questions about adoption in a general way so that the other children learn not to intrude on their privacy.
Adopted son
Son
• Have age-appropriate, adoption-themed books in your classroom.
Adopted daughter
Daughter
Foreign adoption
International adoption
Is adopted
Was adopted
• If you are planning a family tree assignment, give the children other options, such as including all the people in their lives who love them. Some children have no information about their biological families, or no contact. On Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, allow them to prepare a card or gift for whomever they wish.
Be adoption sensitive There are many reasons to be sensitive to adoption in the classroom:
• Some adopted children don’t have pictures of themselves as babies or infants. Asking such a child to produce a photo for an assignment can be upsetting.
• Thoughtless remarks about their family or origins can cause great distress to children who were adopted. Explaining their family or birth history may be painful and challenging for them.
• The best way to handle assignments about family relationships or personal history is to broaden them so that all children and all types of families can be included.
• Children may be asked if their adoptive parent is their “real mom,” or may have their status as a “real child” questioned. Some children are even asked how much money their parents paid for them.
• Invite an adoptive parent or adoption expert to speak. Contact us at the Adoptive Families Association of BC (www.bcadopt.com) and we will assist you with this.
• Some children know very little, or nothing, about their birth parents. This can cause them great distress and feelings of loss. Of course, this is not always the case. Some children have positive contact with birth family and are happy to talk about them.
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Need more support, advice, or information? Contact us at www.bcadoption.com. Our staff have lots of experience working with schools, and we’d love to help!
subscribe to Focus on Adoption
Subscribe to Focus on Adoption magazine and receive four issues that connect you with the latest adoption related content. Each magazine contains articles from our community of experts – from adoptive parents to adoption professionals – plus personal stories from families, the latest news in the adoption world, and in depth pieces on the issues that matter to you. Your subscription also gives you access to our local community listings, which include local support groups, community support services, and adoption professionals.
For more information, or to subscribe, visit: bcadoption.com/focus VOLUME 22 FALL 2014 21
The promise of neurotherapy BY TOM DIAMOND
New brain science Neurotherapy, commonly called brain training, is a therapeutic technique which strengthens and balances the brain. Tiny, non-invasive, EEG skin sensors create a map of brain functioning. Then, with a neurotherapist’s guidance, clients play video games and movies that exercise specific brainwaves. It’s easy and fun. Neurotherapy is based on neuroscience (the study of the brain), and has seen a meteoric rise in the U.S. and Europe during the past 5-10 years. Uptake by Canada’s typically cautious medical community, however, has been slow. Only 54 certified neurotherapists (15 in B.C.) practice across Canada. But we are catching up: every day, research studies and media stories reveal the brain’s pivotal role in human health and performance. Neurotherapy is rapidly making scientific and real-world gains that bring new hope for many, including adoptive families and their children. Canadian athletes know this from experience: half our Olympic gold medal winners at Sochi used neurotherapy-based sports training techniques. Scientific research proves neurotherapy increases focus, memory, learning and even IQ, and can dramatically improve challenging behavioral conditions like ADHD, FASD, and autism.
Adoption challenges Some adopted children come into the world with FASD and other neurological conditions caused by substance abuse. Some live through trauma-inducing levels of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and, ultimately, abandonment by birth parents. Adoption files can be filled with a heart-breaking litany of disorders: attachment, bi-polar, autism, Asperger’s, FASD, PTSD, seizures, brain injury, and more. ADHD and FASD top the list for many adoptive parents. These two issues plague children with difficult behavioral issues, including hyperactivity, learning disabilities, social phobias, poor memory and focus, anxiety, insomnia, depression, and even anger and violence, which can gateway into serious adult problems—the incidence of ADHD among prison inmates is 8-fold higher than that in the general adult population. In some cases, the challenges are too much for adoptive parents, the adoption disrupts, and the child returns to foster care. Disruptions have different causes, but often follow unsuccessful counselling and/
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or medication treatments. Some children might be too disruptive or cognitively challenged for counselling. And even if medication helps in the short run, in the long term its benefits can give way to the well-documented and dangerous side effects of popular medications like Ritalin, Strattera, and Paxil. Neurotherapy gives adoptive parents more drug-free tools. By reducing disruptive behavior and improving communication and memory, neurotherapy clears the playing field for counselling and other healthy avenues of learning and growth.
Drug-free hope for adopted children As an adoptive parent, what inspires me most about neurotherapy are the many stories of children beating the odds and reclaiming their lives. Over and over, families report children knocking down barriers of all kinds. Here are just a few neurotherapy successes: • A once painfully shy young girl marched confidently into class to play a musical solo, only one week after starting her new school. • A boy with debilitating ADHD stopped fighting his teachers and family, raised his grades, and became completely Ritalin-free. • A whole school saw oppositional and violent behaviors transform into never-before-seen levels of focus and concentration after incorporating neurotherapeutic techniques into its classrooms. The stories don’t stop with children. Adults have their own neurotherapy marvels: headaches gone, tinnitus gone, sleep problems gone, marriage improved, career improved, more laughing, more happiness and renewed hope for the future, and all thanks to the brain-training tools of neurotherapy.
Brain injury in ADHD and FASD Neurotherapy works by repairing deep roots that neuroscientists say underlie many childhood disorders: brain injury and neurological dysfunction. Internationally recognized Vancouver neurotherapist Dr. Paul Swingle says children who are diagnosed with ADHD, FASD and related labels share a common symptomatic core of “problems with concentration and attention, difficulty with planning and organizing, problems with anxiety and depression, sleep disturbances, mood swings, major problems with impulse control, irritability, personality changes, and visual/spatial impairments.” Swingle cautions these symptoms may signal a condition missed by many health care providers: Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), which may be
the real driver of ADHD and other behavioral problems. There is growing scientific certainty that TBI is best treated by neurotherapy, and that ADHD has brain-based roots. A 2002 study of 100 children with ADHD found lasting improvements in the neurotherapy group. But for the other group, which only received medication, benefits disappeared as soon as the medication stopped.
Precision brain mapping Safer and longer lasting than drugs, neurotherapy includes the amazing diagnostic tool of brain-mapping. For neurological issues, the most advanced and accurate method of diagnoses is brain mapping. Brain maps are created by placing tiny electroencephalography (EEG) sensors on the scalp and measuring electrical activity from brainwaves. EEG sensors are safe, non-invasive, and do not produce any energy or radiation. Brain maps identify the exact brain locations that need fixing and tell neurotherapists which brainwaves to change. While neurotherapy retrains the brain, real-time EEG feedback evaluates progress. Brainwaves gradually move back into balance, symptoms begin to fade, and broken lives begin to heal, permanently.
Negative self image and abandonment Experts say adopted children may struggle with a pervasive and deep-seated sense of abandonment. Primitive structures located deep within the brain form the neurological seat of our self image. Abandonment scars these structures with negative self images that haunt the subconscious minds of adopted children, who may resist counselling if they feel broken beyond repair. But neurotherapy can kick-start self-esteem with positive self-imagery trained at the neurological level. This lightens the neurological burden of trauma, helping children open up to counselling where they can integrate and move beyond traumatic experience. Neurotherapy’s image-building protocol has shown promise for another trauma-induced injury: eating disorders.
How to choose a neurotherapist Look for someone who is: • Licensed for counselling, psychology or other relevant field • Certified by the Biofeedback Certification International Alliance (BCIA), AAPB or ISNR; or supervised by BCIA-certified supervisor
Where to get more information • Biofeedback Certification International Alliance, www.bcia.org. • Association for Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback, www.aapb.org. • International Society for Neurofeedback and Research, www.isnr.org. • The Swingle Clinic, www.swingleclinic.com.
Where to get funding • Extended health insurance plans with counselling and/or psychological benefits should cover neurotherapy. • Private counselling services are available for MCFD-adopted children through Post Adoption Assistance. Find out more at www.bcadoption.com/during-application-process. • Dr. Diamond’s fall neurotherapy program offers a limited number of no-cost spaces. Find more information at www.diamondcounselling.com.
Neurotherapy frees the positive self This brings up an important axiom of neurotherapy: after neurological barriers fall, clients no longer fight their neurology. They reclaim energy for counselling, education, sports, hobbies, and friends. And they get smarter: IQ gains of 5-10 points are common after neurotherapy. Parents see the results, reporting their post-neurotherapy children listen more to parents and teachers, get along better with friends and family, and see more positives in life. Neurotherapy heals brain dysfunction and heightens brain performance, igniting deep internal resources that motivate children (and Olympians!) toward love, joy, and success. I hope neurotherapy will help more adoptive families succeed, avoid adoption disruption, and realize their children’s highest potential.
Don’t give up Some final thoughts for adoptive parents: hang in there—it’s worth it! Always ask for any help you can get, and stay laser-focused on your family’s health and happiness. Remember that brain function and performance can be improved, to varying degrees, at any time or any age!
Dr. Tom Diamond, PhD, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who practices in Courtenay, B.C., where he combines neurotherapy with psychotherapy, stress reduction and meditation for children, adults and couples. Dr. Diamond has been a counsellor, university faculty and researcher for 25 years, and an adoptive parent for three years. Contact Dr. Diamond at www.diamondcounselling.com or 250-941-5596.
Johanna Simmons, MA RCC 604-240-0592 johanna@simmonscounselling.ca Areas of specialization
• Attachment • Adoption • Child Play Therapy • Family Counselling • Depression • Parent/Teen Conflict • Self Worth • Stress Management
• Parenting Skills Training • School Issues • Anxiety • Communication • Transitions • EMDR • Child Behaviour
As an adoptive parent and a former teacher, Johanna brings these perspectives into her counselling practice.
Suite 206C -1571 Bellevue Ave., West Vancouver www.simmonscounselling.ca
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