adoption
Volume 23 Fall 2015
FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community
Photo contest ! winners
Open Borders
Openness in international adoptions Real language Out of the mouths of babes, p. 6
Finding silver linings
An adoptee’s reflections on being bullied at school, p. 8
Adoption in Alberta
Adopting a foster child
A waiting parent’s plea
How the system works east of the Rockies, p.10
A Q&A with an experienced foster mom, p. 22
An opinion on reforming the adoption matching process, p. 20
Empowering Youth In and From Government Care in B.C.
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Contents Inside this issue: News & information
In Focus
2 3 4 16
6 Real language 8 Adopted Voice: Finding silver linings 14 Everyone has a story: Meet the Alexanders 10 Perspectives: Adoption in Alberta 18 Open borders 19 Success for Aboriginal students 20 Opinion: A waiting parent’s plea
Editor’s letter Membership survey results News & notes 2015 photo contest winners
Community 13 Celebrations 17 Fall events 26 Resources
Reviews
Advice
24 Attaching through Love, Hugs and Play 25 Books & media
7 Extreme parenting: the little things 22 Q&A: Adopting a foster child
B.C.’s Waiting Kids
On our cover Baby Jax enjoys the fall weather. Jax and his daddy also star in our 2015 photo contest’s winning entry! See it, and the other winners, on page 14.
Meet the Alexanders A family’s journey to Uganda and back, page 14
Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play Practical tips for stronger families, page 24
12 Meet Katie, Jim and Adam!
Extreme parenting: the little things Finding your child’s triggers, page 7
Real language BY SARAH REID Noah sits tall in his booster seat, and I catch a glimpse of his messy curls in the rearview mirror. My eyes are on the road ahead, so he can talk to me and tell me things, but not see my facial expression. It’s a safe place to test out hard questions. Last week’s booster-seat confessional was an open discussion between my seven year old son and me. He began matter-of-factly. “So, you’re not my real mom....”
We stopped at a red light. I adjusted the mirror and looked back at him. He was deep in thought, chewing on the collar of his t-shirt. He didn’t look up. “You all had a job,” he said. “We are all very lucky to be mothers to you.” “Maybe I’ll see her one day. When I’m old. Like 20.”
I knew the day would come when those words were spoken. But I imagined it would be during a moment of anger or disappointment, not on a quiet afternoon drive. It stung, and that surprised me. But the sting was more for him than for me. He was unraveling another piece of his adoption story, or perhaps revisiting a truth that had been shared and re-shared with him over and over again.
“Maybe, son. I hope you will.”
“What do you mean, Noah?” I asked as non-hysterically as possible.
“Becky is Mika’s real mom and you are her mom now,” he said. “But I had Grammy. So I have more moms than Mika!”
“You know. You didn’t have me in your tummy. So you’re not my real mom.” I couldn’t correct him. He was right. She is his real, biological mother. What Noah needed in that moment was reassurance that his first mother is important. That she matters. And that while I may not have been first, I would be forever. “Yes, Noah, you grew inside Mommy ___. She is your first mother. Then you lived with Grammy. She was your foster mother. And then you came home to Daddy and me. We are your dad and mom. And now you are here. “
Fall 2015 education highlights
“I have lots of mothers,” he continued. “And what about Mika?” He looked over at his sister and snatched the board book out of her hands. She wailed, I warned, and he tossed the book back to her. “You know Michaela’s story,” I said.
Leave it to a seven-year-old boy to find an opportunity for one-upmanship in any adoption conversation. I let him have his victory. I’m just grateful he let me in on it.
Sarah Reid is an Adoption Support Coordinator at AFABC, and the mother of two children through adoption.
Register at www.bcadoption.com/education!
Becoming the Sensory Detective at Home – November 5, 7-8pm
Adopting Teens & Tweens – Coming November 2015
This webinar will explore sensory factors in the home environment that may trigger children and youth with FASD. Learn to recognize the indicators of a sensory sensitivity reaction and identify strategies to reduce the impact of that reaction. Recommended for professionals, adoptive parents of children and youth with FASD, and foster parents.
The Adoptive Families Association of BC is proud to announce a new online course specifically for parents considering adopting older children, or those who already have. Learn about the realities, outcomes, challenges, and joys of adopting an older child in a fully facilitated, interactive, case-based environment without having to leave your home.
Presenter: David Gerry’s (BSc) first introduction to FASD began with his role becoming a foster parent to two children with FASD. He co-founded the FASD Community Circle and co-founded the Living With FASD Summit, and is co-chair of Herway Home.
6 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
The lessons include interviews with real teens in and from care and parents who made the decision to adopt an older child. The social aspect of this course allows you to share stories, build your support network, and connect with resources in your community.
Extreme parenting
The little things BY CLAIRE IVER
Lose your expectations When Ethan came into our family, he was very angry. My family and friends wondered what he had to be angry about. All they could see was that he was part of a loving family. They thought he should be grateful. It was interesting to me that these usually empathetic folks couldn’t immediately see the loss suffered by this child. Before I could understand what was going on, I had to abandon my expectations of them – and of Ethan. I hear adoptive parents rant about teachers at the school and their lack of understanding about the issues adopted children face. Oh my gosh! There are 25 kids in that classroom, each with their own “special handling instructions.” Do we really expect a single teacher to stay up-to-date on everything that might relate to every one of those children? This is not to say I don’t advocate for my children or give their teachers my suggestions for handling their behaviour in the classroom. But this is complicated stuff, and I have no expectation that they should already know what I myself am struggling to learn. I will offer my advice about, say, bringing my attachment-disorderd child closer to the teacher’s desk rather than asking him to leave the classroom. I will also respect that the teacher might have to make a call that’s different than the one I would make, because she’s juggling a lot of balls.
Seeing past the negative If we were caught up in our ranting, we may have missed the gift we received. We may not have noticed that Ethan’s hockey coach took him under his wing in the most wonderful way. Ethan LOVES hockey and he’s getting to be a good little player. But his first season was fraught with on-ice temper tantrums—trying too hard, not a great skater, wanted the other kids to pass it to him, I don’t know. But his coach saw him. He’d pull him off the ice, ignore his protests and excuses, but keep his hand on Ethan’s back in a way that worked to ground him. Once Ethan settled, the coach would send him back out onto the ice. The coach didn’t engage with the tantrum or make Ethan out to be a bad kid. He simply settled him down with a hand on the back. Ethan has amazing respect for his coach. He doesn’t have tantrums anymore and sees himself as the valuable member of the team that he is. No expectations, no resentment, no entitlement. We are open to the gifts and grateful to receive them.
Understanding makes all the difference
Today, that gift was our hockey coach.
Ethan hates Christmas. He HATES it. He told me this past year that it kills him that he can’t remember a single Christmas spent with the people who brought him into this world. I try my best to make the experience better for him, but once again, this isn’t personal. He’s foul as the season approaches. He fights, he swears, and he acts up in school.
Claire’s 10-year-old son, Adam, was adopted from a Russian orphanage when he was 19 months old. Her second son, Ethan, joined their family from foster care at age seven. In this series, Claire shares the “fast and furious learning” she and her family experienced when they adopted an older child.
This year his teacher was at her wits’ end. Ethan was taken out of the Christmas concert because he lost his temper during a rehearsal. “This is stupid and you guys suck,” he said. A couple of the kids cried. There we were, assembled in the gymnasium waiting to see our kid perform with all the other little cherubs and he wasn’t there. Truthfully, he wasn’t in trouble with me. But he sure was in trouble with his teacher. Back to natural consequences. And back to building resilience, through tears of futility.
Get the support you need AFABC’s team of adoption support coordinators, all experienced adoptive parents, are here to support you! They provide community-based one-to-one support, workshops, and family events to adoptive and waiting parents as well as to people considering adoption. Contact the coordinator nearest to you for confidential support, and to connect with others in your community. Visit www.bcadoption.com/support.
VOLUME 23 FALL 2015 7
Everyone has a story
Meet the Alexanders BY RACHEL CARRIER
Kieran , Imani, Juanita, Dave, Zania and Elias Alexander. Photo by Rima Dickson of RD Captured Memories Photography.
Growing their family Three years ago, Dave and Juanita Alexander found themselves halfway around the world with 18 suitcases, 12 carry-ons, a year’s worth of supplies and four children. Dave and Juanita, have collectively lived and worked in five countries (including Canada), and have four beautiful children through adoption. In 2012, they uprooted their lives to move to Uganda for a year. Since then, they have settled back into their daily lives in Langley and continue to enjoy new adventures together. Juanita grew up in a family that fostered many children, something that she remembers fondly as a normal part of everyday life. Although infertility was part of their story, when she and Dave decided to adopt, it was never a second choice to them; rather, it was a just another natural way to grow their family.
A year after Imani came home, the Alexanders contacted the Ministry regarding the child-specific adoption of their fourth child and third eldest, Zania, 8, who was being fostered by close family friends of the Alexanders and whose adoption came with its own complications. “No adoption is straightforward. There is no such thing as normal adoption,” Dave says.
FSGV | ADOPTION AGENCY Building families through adoption since 1997
Together, Juanita and Dave faced a multitude of challenges and adversities. Each new adoption brought a new roadblock, but they overcame them all with grace and unconditional love and faith in their family and their children. Throughout their entire journey, they always fought and advocated for their children and continue to do so to this day.
Is it going to happen, is it not? The Alexanders adopted their first two children, Elias, 12, and Keiran, 10 from the United States, through an agency called, An Open Door. They decided to adopt from the United States because they felt that program offered them a better chance of a relatively fast open infant adoption. Those first two adoptions did, in fact, happen quickly. They were matched with their sons within weeks of completing the application process. The third adoption of their youngest child Imani, 7, took much longer. The Hague convention was in the process of being implemented, and there was some confusion as to what it would mean for Canadians adopting from the U.S. At one point, Dave and Juanita even received a phone call telling them their file was being sent back and the program was being closed. “That was devastating. I mean, we were just crushed,” Dave remembers, but he and Juanita weren’t ready to give up hope. They researched and discovered that because their adoption was already in process, it was still legal. After talking with their agency’s CEO, their file was reopened and they received an updated fee schedule. Although they were surprised to find that adoption fees had increased dramatically, they managed to work things out and move forward.
14 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Adoption Services for Birth and Adoptive Parents Domestic & Inter-Country
1.8 66. 58 2.3 67 8
www.fsgvadoptionagency.ca We are a CARF Accredited & BC Licensed Adoption Agency
Zania’s adoption fell into place after much push and pull with social workers and further education. Dave and Juanita were able to finalize Imani’s adoption in Canada before they were granted permission to foster Zania, and finally officially adopt her. In a period of eight months, the Alexanders gained their two little girls. They knew their family was finally complete.
Opening up to openness Dave and Juanita have always embraced openness in adoption, but that doesn’t mean everything has been smooth sailing. Technically, all of their adoptions are open, and all of the kids have met their birthmoms, but they’ve also faced their share of failed visits and other disappointments. Each child has a different amount of contact, however, which can create a difficult dynamic amongst the siblings. Zania’s adoption is the most open, because her mom lives locally and is able to visit more often. Zania’s birth dad lives in Tanzania, but when the family was in Uganda, he travelled to meet her. The other kids , whose birth family relationships are less open, have sometimes struggled with this. Honesty, open discussion, support and understanding are the keys to how Dave and Juanita help their children cope. The Alexander kids have grown up immersed in adoption, and talking about adoption has always been normal for them. Juanita remembers her ‘age appropriate explanation’: “You grew in your birthmom’s tummy and birthdads help to make babies.” With this profound understanding comes the ability for the kids to choose what and how much to share about their adoption story, based on their own individual comfort level. Some of the kids feel fine sharing and others don’t, and their parents encourage them to recognize and respect those choices.
Beyond black and white Being a transracial family is just as normal to them as adoption is. They realize, however, that questions from the rest of the world will always be inevitable. Their trip to Uganda was designed to allow the kids to experience the world from a new perspective: one where they were not in the minority because of the colour of their skin. When they landed in Uganda, Keiran turned to Juanita and said, ‘‘Mom, there’s way more brown people here.” ‘‘Buddy,” she replied, ‘‘that’s part of why we’re here.” Dave and Juanita also saw the trip as an opportunity to prepare their kids to navigate life’s inevitable moves and changes. Because a couple of their kids struggle with anxiety, they wanted to provide them with a safe, supportive context in which to learn that they could move to a new place, join a new school, find new friends, and make it work. Dave and Juanita had already lived and worked as teachers in Senegal, so they had a comfort level with Uganda that helped put the kids at ease with the dramatic change. While in Uganda, the family created new traditions, made friends, and kept up a blog to share their journey with friends and family back home. Back, in Canada the boys still put out their Ugandan yearbooks and the girls reminisce about their weekends at Speke, a Ugandan resort, or the time they went on a safari. They use Lugandan phrases in everyday conversation, and have clothes and toys from the local Ugandan markets. Dave and Juanita knew that the trip would be life-changing and that the kids would return home with a completely different lens. Their oldest son, in particular, found it hard to come back to everything being the same as it was before because he knew a different world now. ‘‘That one year continues to impact our lives in many different ways,” Juanita says.
The kids enjoy Kraft Dinner while on safari in Uganda
Q&A with the kids! What was your favourite thing about living in Uganda for a year? Going on a safari, the pool and weekends at Speke, and playing with friends. What are your favourite activities? Hockey, playing on the trampoline, soccer and spending time outside. Who is the funniest in the family? Dad! Who is the better cook? Dad makes good breakfasts.
More than love Now the family is back home and thriving in Langley. There are still challenges, and learning to cope with the kids’ varying levels of anxiety has become the norm, but their journey is one full of love, trust, honesty and patience. How do they manage it? They put their kids first. “Love is not enough,” Juanita says, “You have to be willing to blow the lid off the box. I am having conversations and advocating for my kids in ways that I never anticipated I would ever have to, and that’s all okay”. They also know that they need to give their children more stability and down time than others, and that’s also something they’ve come to embrace. “Less is more,” Juanita says. “Normal is a setting on a dryer,” Dave adds. “There is no normal.”
VOLUME 23 FALL 2015 15
Opinion
A waiting parent’s plea BY ALI JAYNE
Want to share your opinion on an adoption-related topic? We’d love to hear from you! Contact us at editor@bcadoption.com.
Inspiration from Alberta
child’s name (or pseudonym), some information and history about the child, photographs, and video if available. Approved families could be given a username and password, for security, and the database should be updated weekly so the information is current.
For 32 years, Alberta has profiled children in need of adoption on their weekly Wednesday’s Child TV program (see page 10 for more on adoption in Alberta). For 12 years, the province has also successfully profiled “harder to place” children on a public website. These campaigns regularly generate new applications from potential parents who go on to be matched with waiting children. In fact, 70% of children profiled this way are matched with parents. What’s the secret to this success? It seems to come down to one thing Alberta allows and BC doesn’t: the use of photographs and videos of the children.
If a family finds a profile that speaks to them and they want more information, have a button that they can click to notify their social worker of their interest in that child. Or allow them to save “favourites” that social workers can also access to see which children approved families are interested in learning more about. Take some of the pressure off overworked social workers, and allow the eager future parents to do some of the groundwork.
The BC Ministry for Child and Family Development (MCFD) doesn’t currently use photographs or videos of its more than 1,000 waiting children in any of its materials, though it’s something they are considering according to a recent Global news report.
When I mention this idea to different people, I often hear concerns about the privacy of the children. While I understand the importance of protecting the rights and privacy of children in care, these concerns wouldn’t apply to an internal website available by password only to approved adoptive parents. Approved parents have already been through at least a year of interviews, courses, criminal background checks, questionnaires, a rigorous home study, and sometimes even therapy. They’ve put their time, energy, hearts, and souls into becoming parents through adoption. MCFD has already approved us; the only thing standing in our way is that our hands are tied during the oh-so-slow matching part of the process.
As an approved adoptive parent, I’m passionate about this subject. Approved parents like me should be able to search a database of profiles to find the children with whom they would like to form a family. I don’t mean to suggest we take the job of matching children with families away from social workers. Rather, I want to enable parents to become their own driving force in addition to the services that social workers provide. Many hands make light work, after all. MCFD posts profiles of waiting children in B.C. on the Adoption Bulletin section of their website. However, of the 1000+ children who wait at any given time, only around 60 are represented in the Bulletin. A brief description of each child is provided and no photos or videos are used. Since the site is only updated about once every two to three months, many of the profiled children have already been placed or are in the process of being placed. Of course that’s wonderful for the kids, and seems to indicate that the site works. But why is it so out of date, and why are only 60 profiles provided at a time? It seems inexcusable when we’re talking about finding homes for children.
My thoughts on reform How could we improve this system? I’d like to see MCFD create a database that’s open to all approved families, and that includes ALL children currently waiting for adoption. Profiles should include the
20 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Protections for privacy
Keep the access “in house,” locked down, and tightly monitored, and most privacy concerns won’t apply. After all, most of us use online banking for all of our financial needs, and if we can protect our entire financial world with a username and password, we can protect the safety of our children with a secured site. Another secure option would be to allow approved waiting parents to book a time to come into one of the MCFD offices and use a computer set up specifically for this purpose, where usage could be monitored and logged
Please give us access I’ve been told there could be hundreds of children in MCFD’s internal database who match my (broad) criteria. Each of these potential matches is just the beginning of a web of information that is not clearly contained in one place, which is partially why the matching
process is so very time consuming. Unfortunately, many social workers don’t have enough time in their day, or room on their caseloads, to do this work. But I have time. I have time. And, most importantly, I want to sift through all of those potential matches. I want to view every profile of every one of the 1,000+ children that are currently available. I want to consider children who fall both inside and outside of my pre-defined parameters. I don’t know which child is going to feel right to me; and because of that, I’m pretty open to the possibilities. Maybe it will be a teen or a tween who grabs my attention and my heart. Maybe it will be an infant with needs that I hadn’t considered. Maybe it’s a sibling group of two or more children with a wide age gap. It could be any one (or more) of the children currently waiting. I want to search through the profiles and find the right match. I want to do that.
Autumn activities for the whole family
Work with what we’ve got While I feel an “open to the public” resource site similar to Alberta’s would be a wonderful way to attract potential parents who may not have already considered adoption, I also believe that resources and funding should first be filtered into creating a database for approved adoptive parents to access. Let’s speed up the matching process for the children who wait and for the families who are ready to adopt them right now. For the sake of the children waiting for a family, I hope this idea could kickstart a new approach to adoption in B.C. that will allow approved parents to get more involved in the creation of their family.
Ali Jayne is a writer, blogger, editor, and photographer who describes herself as an introverted deep thinker and part-time philosopher with a passion for all that life entails. She is active in her community as a volunteer, pipe band drummer, and yoga enthusiast. Ali lives with her cat, Greyson, in a growing seaside town north of Vancouver, B.C. She is an approved and waiting adoptive parent through MCFD. Please visit Ali at www.alijayne.com.
by Rachel Carrier
1. Pay a visit to your local orchard or berry farm and take your family fruit picking. See who can pick the most! 2. Use the fruit that you picked as a family and have a pie baking night or make homemade cider or jam. 3. Go for an adventure walk and collect leaves or pine cones to do crafts with.
Explore photolistings
4. See if your local corn mazes are ready to visit and take a ride on a tractor.
Here are some online examples* of how different organizations use photolistings to promote adoption.
5. Have a fall themed movie night. Kids choose a theme and parents choose the movie. Then you can tailor the snacks and decor accordingly.
Adoption profiles lookup (Alberta) www.humanservices.alberta.ca/adoption-profile Canada’s Waiting Kids (requires password) www.canadaswaitingkids.ca/kids/ChildrenBio.html Heart Gallery of America (USA, by state) www.heartgalleryofamerica.org/Adoption/State_Links.html Precious.org (USA and international) www.precious.org ComeUnity (master list of photolisting directories worldwide) www.comeunity.com/adoption/waiting/photolists.html * Inclusion on this list does not imply the endorsement or support of Focus on Adoption or the Adoptive Families Association of BC.
6. Try your favourite recipes with a hint of pumpkin! Pumpkin pancake breakfast anyone? 7. Have a hot chocolate and popcorn night at home! Spend the night making different flavours of hot chocolate and popcorn together. Invite your friends to taste them and vote for their favourite! You could even roast some pumpkin seeds as a side dish if you’re feeling ambitious. 8. Check out any fall fairs that may be happening nearby! 9. Have fun choosing and decorating a pumpkin in a new and creative way – it’s not only for halloween! 10. Make a corn kernel necklace.
VOLUME 23 FALL 2015 21
Life Span Consulting, Coaching & Mediation Brenda McCreight Ph.D. 250-716-9101
brenda@lifespanmediation.org Brenda is pleased to announce that she has re-located to Victoria BC She also works with clients world-wide through secure video.
Registered Clinical Social Worker and Professional Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Author, Speaker and parenting coach. Mom of 14 (12 through adoption) Areas of specialization: Raising chronic conflict children and youth Attachment FASD Emotional dysregulation Helping families transition from surviving to thriving
Johanna Simmons, MA RCC 604-240-0592 johanna@simmonscounselling.ca Areas of specialization
• Attachment • Adoption • Child Play Therapy • Family Counselling • Depression • Parent/Teen Conflict • Self Worth • Stress Management
• Parenting Skills Training • School Issues • Anxiety • Communication • Transitions • EMDR • Child Behaviour
As an adoptive parent and a former teacher, Johanna brings these perspectives into her counselling practice.
“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.” ... Successories
Ross M. Birney, CPA, CA BComm, CFP, CIM, FCSI Financial Advisor
Raymond James Ltd. Suite 2100-925 West Georgia Street Vancouver, BC, Canada V6C 3L2 T: 604.659.8025 * F: 604.659.8099 Toll Free: 888.545.6624 ross.birney@raymondjames.ca www.birney.ca
Suite 206C -1571 Bellevue Ave., West Vancouver www.simmonscounselling.ca Member - Canadian Investor Protection Fund
28 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Keynote Presenter
Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC
A Child’s Song Adoption Conference
A Child’s Song Founding Director
Saturday November 7, 2015
Discipline Strategies for Adoptive Parents: Why is it so different?
Alan Emmot Center
6650 Southoaks Crescent, Burnaby
Workshop Topics Understanding the Relationship Between Anxiety and Adoption Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Attachment Strategies for Parenting Siblings Trauma Informed Matching In Adoption: Strategies for Assessment Understanding and Advocating for the Needs of Adoptees in School Parenting Boys of African Heritage in Biracial Families Shifting The Way We Think: Parenting Therapeutically Parenting Adolescents: Enhancing the Attachment Relationship
* Featuring an Adoptee Panel Question and Answer Period
Workshops designed by the team at A Child’s Song, experts in the field of adoption, feature new research and practical applications to support professionals and families in meeting the unique needs of adoptees.
9am - 4pm Conference | Registration begins at 8:30 am * For more information and to register for this conference please visit www.achildssong.ca
Caring for our kids. At TELUS we believe all kids deserve a safe and supportive home. The TELUS Vancouver Community Board is proud to support the Adoptive Families Association of BC and the Speak-Out Youth Group program. Every customer helps us give where we live. Thank you. telus.com/community
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PM# 41718015 Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: Adoptive Families Association of BC 200 - 7342 Winston St, Burnaby, BC, V5A 2H1, Canada
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