adoption
Volume 24 Fall 2016
FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community
Photo contest winners!
From foster care to adoption: Meet the Imrie family
BC’s Representative for Children & Youth
The power of cultural connection
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafonde answers our questions, p. 5
Why it matters and what adoptive parents can do, p. 7
Online adoption education It’s the way of the future. Here’s how to get the most out of it, p . 11
Review: Thicker Than Blood
Meet Terence, Clara, and Jared
BC author and adoptive mom Marion Crook’s latest book, p. 25
These bright, engaging young people are all waiting to be adopted, p 29
THRIVING AND SURVIVING workshop
THRIVING AND SURVIVING: THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF PLACEMENT
Our newest workshop prepares adoptive parents for the often challenging first two years of an adoption placement.
There are a number of issues and behaviours that are relatively predictable in the first two years. This interactive workshop ensures families are prepared with realistic expectations and knowledge and equips them with hands-on strategies and skills. Note: You must have completed the AEP to take this workshop.
SESSIONS
Kelowna Kamloops Victoria Nanaimo
Tuesday, October 25 Wednesday, October 26 Tuesday, November 15 Wednesday, November 16
9am-3pm 9am-3pm 9am-3pm 9am-3pm
Cost: $60 per person, $50 for AFABC members Thank you to the Victoria Foundation and the Ministry of Children and Family Development for helping to reduce participant cost!
For more information contact Your Name, Adoption Support Coordinator Your region, at email@bcadoption.com, 604-320-7330 ext 100 toll free 1-866-900-7330 ext 100
learn more and register
www.bcadoption.com/education
Contents Inside this issue: News and information
In focus
2 Editor’s letter 3 News and notes 12 Education highlights 13 Celebrations 26 Events 27 Resources
5 Q&A: BC’s Representative for Children and Youth 7 Opinion: Fostering high school success 9 Aboriginal focus: Nurturing cultural connections 11 Online adoption education 14 Share Your Circle photo contest winners! 17 Everyone has a story: Meet the Imries 19 Trauma matters: How to help wounded children and youth 21 Perspectives: History lessons 23 Adopted voice: Choosing sides
Books & media 24 Jen’s Picks 25 Review: Thicker Than Blood
Fostering high school success, page 7
BC’s Waiting Kids 29 Meet Terence, Clara, and Jared! Meet the Imries, page 17
On our cover Noelle shows that nothing chases away grey autumn days like a bright coat and an even brighter smile in this photo taken by mom Rebecca Hall Ciccone for our 2016 Share Your Circle photo contest.
Openness: the realistic choice, page 19
Q&A
BC’s Representative for Children and Youth Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafonde reflects on the past decade and what the future holds for foster and adoptive families in BC. INTERVIEW WITH MARY ELLEN TURPEL-LAFOND BY BRIANNA BRASH-NYBERG
Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond is BC’s first Representative for Children and Youth. She was appointed in 2006, and was re-appointed for a second five-year term in 2011. A judge on leave from the Saskatchewan Provincial Court, she holds a doctorate of law from Harvard and has worked as a criminal law judge in youth and adult courts, with an emphasis on developing partnerships to better serve the needs of young people in the justice system. She lives in Victoria with her family. We asked Ms. Turpel-Lafonde to share her reflections on her journey as she approaches the end of her tenure as Representative.
What services does the Rep’s office provide to adoptive families? At the heart of our work is the belief that every child has a right to be raised within a family—preferably their own family of origin, or else with kin or a permanent, loving adoptive family. We emphasize strengths and resilience and keep a keen eye on what matters most: making good decisions in a timely fashion that are in the best interests of children and families. The advocacy services offered by staff in the Office of the Representative for Children and Youth (RCY) can provide support for children, youth, and families as they navigate permanency options and processes, especially when difficulties, delays, or concerns arise. RCY staff are also available to help children, youth, and their families navigate special needs and mental health services. I believe that advocacy needs to be based on respecting the right of children to a permanent family. RCY also monitors the government’s performance in the area of adoptions and permanency planning. We ensure the public receives accurate and complete information about how these children and families are receiving services and whether the government is meeting the outcomes it sets.
What was the greatest challenge you have overcome as the Representative? I have faced many obstacles as Representative, largely stemming from a strong resistance in BC to exposing problems in child welfare and the systemic nature of those shortcomings. I try to keep focused on the right of those children to a family, and to either ignore obstacles or work through them methodically and keep my head down, staying focussed on children’s rights. I’ve been supported by amazing leaders in permanency in BC inside the Ministry of Children and Family Development and, even more significantly, in independent agencies and NGOs.
One accomplishment that gives me joy is how we pushed through five ministers to get adoptions designated as a core service area for government. We promoted massive improvements in keeping children as the focus. Getting government to set goals, commit to timelines and resources, and to make this a key joint project was a meaningful accomplishment. In hindsight, it should have been much easier. It took a lot of advocacy to get this prioritized but once we did, things started to come together. We built good relationships and set the expectation of change, which resulted in improvements—overdue improvements, but nevertheless good changes.
How do you envision the future of adoption, foster care, and child welfare in BC? I sincerely hope the next Representative will continue to place adoption and permanency at the forefront and make sure they become immersed in the details and support each child. Foster care is supposed to be temporary, but sadly it became a long-term state of affairs for a generation of kids who aged out of care too early and without a permanent family. We’ve turned some of it around, but massive change is still needed in BC to keep a focus on outcomes and on accountability. We’ve had one year of success and I’m not sure it can be sustained, so I really believe adoptive families and the child serving system will need to push to keep this as a priority. Frankly, I really don’t think most people in authority outside MCFD know much about what life is really like for many vulnerable children and youth, especially those in care, and how quickly they can be moved or returned to their family of origin before the family’s underlying issues are addressed. Keeping the situation visible and promoting change is important. That change needs to lead to a place where children and youth have meaningful rights that will be respected and enforced so that they’re treated with full worth and dignity. I hope the next Representative will see that children and youth are not just the “client” of a bureaucracy here: they’re people who have potential, who have the right to enjoy growing up in a family setting, and who deserve the very best in every way.
Continued on page 6 VOLUME 24 FALL 2016 5
October is Foster Family Month! Visit our friends at the BC Federation of Foster Parent Associations to learn more about fostering.
www.bcfosterparents.ca
abuse is unacceptable. However, what we need to recognize is that a care system with stronger kinship and foster care will be needed for some time. You cannot just pretend that sexual abuse, physical abuse and neglect are resolved because we talk about the issues more in light of the Truth and Reconciliation Report. The services to those children, youth and families are poor and largely unavailable and we will have a continued demand on the system to meet those needs. Reconciliation requires caring relationships, honesty, and respect. Families are resilient. When they’re properly supported, they can place their children at the forefront and work together to confront trauma. They do this best when other families surround them with love, healing practices and spirituality that supports them in exploring what happened and moving forward to a healthy future. I’ve really tried to push a refresh for Indigenous children and youth that emphasizes kinship, custom adoption, and recognition of tribal practices, including recognition of the many adoptive families that have done this work without MCFD support. I envision further work here to promote reconciliation and believe it can heal old wounds, provided we do not pretend what is happening to children and youth today isn’t harmful or set aside the abuse to focus on a naïve believe that reconciliation has occurred.
What advice would you give to families, both as the Representative and as a parent? Q&A: Representing change, continued
Could you share a story that stands out from your time as Representative? There was one case in which I was engaged with the ministry every day for 73 days on a placement for three children. It was a tough case, but in hindsight, it was beyond ridiculous how hard it was for someone such as myself, with clear legislative powers, training, and capacity, to get this case resolved. I worked every day, including through winter holidays, and encouraged my team to not give up. MCFD asked me to stop advocating and writing notes and daily letters of concern. It was intense and way too conflicted, but those kids deserved our time and attention. It took about 16 months but we all got to the right place and these children have now been placed in their “forever family.” The challenges in controversial or difficult cases are so immense that, at times, I have despaired. I’ve seen children moved quickly and proper standards and process not followed to great grief and suffering by them and their caregivers. The safeguards are not enough to ensure that kids are the focus. But we cannot give up. We have to find ways around roadblocks and obstacles and keep children at the centre of our work. I guess—I hope!—that if we break down barriers with some cases, the next ones can be easier.
How can adoptive families and the child welfare system contribute to reconciliation with Aboriginal people? Intergenerational issues such as sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and trauma are massive in Aboriginal families and communities because of the harms of residential schools and other factors. We seem to have embraced the language of trauma and recognition of past harms, but continue not to grasp that these are real issues for a cohort of children who are not adequately safe or supported within some families. The lack of family-focused therapy to process trauma and address ongoing
6 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Sometimes the child who seems the least loveable in the moment is the one who needs love more than others. Step back and reflect on behaviours or situations that might be upsetting the family peace, and find a way to embrace that child so that they can become the person they may not realize they’re capable of being. For parents, I can share my own firm belief that there will be difficult days and that the wisdom of the Elders and the humour of our friends have a magical way of smoothing those days over, bringing us back to a place where we can be ourselves and be fully accepted. The place we all call “home” is not just a physical place but an emotional and spiritual place that can be complete bliss and comfort.
What do you see as the biggest achievement of your tenure? What motivates me is seeing special people from all walks of life—men, women, and children of all racial and spiritual backgrounds—build and sustain helping, loving relationships with highly challenging children. I’ve seen children in absolute crisis settle in under the skill of these caring relationships, and grow and blossom in a way that is magical and life-sustaining. Nothing means more to me than nurturing and celebrating this capacity and the resilience it promotes. Our beautiful ability to see something in others that they themselves cannot see, and to help them get there, brings me joy. It’s more important than any job title, wealth, or achievement. It’s the very bedrock of what makes us human. The greatest achievement of my time was working with the tenacious people at the front line of systems of care with children to make a difference—and improving adoptions and finding forever families was a success that was mine in part, but like all successes for children and youth, is shared by many and especially by the remarkable adoptive families of BC! ●
Learn more about the work of BC’s Representative for Children and Youth online at www.rcybc.ca.
Aboriginal focus
The power of cultural connection How families and professionals can work together to support adopted Aboriginal kids.
BY RONDA PAYNE
Kids need culture In today’s diverse adoption community, the majority of parents strive to embrace and nurture their adopted children’s birth cultures. It’s a complicated but rewarding task that can bring children closer to both their culture of origin and their adoptive family. And it’s not something that can be done alone—rather, it illustrates the truth of the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Families who adopt Canadian Aboriginal children must navigate an additional layer of complexity due to the devastating impact Canada’s history of racist child welfare practices had and continues to have on First Nations, Métis, and Inuit people. That’s where people like Kelly Davie come in. Davie is a social worker who does permanency planning for Aboriginal children and youth in the continuing care of the Ministry of Children and Family Development here in BC. Davie has seen first-hand how important it is for BC’s Aboriginal children to maintain healthy ties to their culture of origin. She works to find ways for every First Nations child to form and retain that healthy link within the best possible family environment. It’s not always an easy task, but Davie says she finds it very fulfilling.
Culture as permanence The process Davie uses when seeking a permanent home for Aboriginal children is intensive. She looks within the child’s nation or community first. If that doesn’t work out she slowly expands to other potential Aboriginal adoptive parents, and then finally, if necessary, to adoptive parents who are not Aboriginal. It always comes down to the best interests of the child. Permanency, in Davie’s vocabulary, refers to cultural, relational, physical, and legal permanence. One piece of her cultural permanency work is the creation of a cultural safety agreement, which recognizes the importance of a child’s culture of origin to their well-being and outlines how the child will continue to have access to their culture as they grow up. This document involves input from the child’s extended biological family, their nation, cultural mentors, and the prospective adoptive family.
“It’s not a legally binding document,” she says. “It’s a document of good faith. What we’ve learned is that without those cultural ties, [the child] will often go seeking that in their adolescent years,” Davie says. “It’s much better when things are open and transparent from the beginning. Otherwise it’s hard. No one knows them, they know no one.” Sometimes when Davie contacts a nation to look for a cultural mentor, they express interest in establishing and maintaining ties with the child, but encounter other barriers, such as the cost of travel, lack of understanding of the mentor’s role in the child’s life, or an inability to see the value of a mentoring relationship. Davie works to dispel these barriers through listening and sharing information. Many times when Davie has contacted a child’s biological family or extended family, there is an invitation for children in care to visit their family and nation of origin. “I have had the honour of accompanying children and youth to their home communities,” she says. “I have witnessed the strengthening of relationships [between children and] healthy family members, heard the teachings that are provided, watched as the child/youth is reassured they belong, they have a home and family that love them.”
A powerful homecoming In one case, Davie was the member of a party that travelled to a remote BC coastal nation in the spring with a group of young siblings in foster care who were originally from the nation. It was a weekend visit that included a family potlatch. “It’s hard to describe how happy the children were to be on the land, to be with their family and witness the ceremonies; to belong,” she notes. “During the ceremony, the children were given their traditional names.” Davie notes that to this day, the children want her to call them by their traditional names—and she does. She describes the naming ceremony as a very significant moment in their lives; calling them by those names builds the strength of their ties to their nation and to the connections established during that visit. As a result of this visit to their nation, the children’s life trajectory shifted. “The children have ongoing relationships with their healthy family
Continued on page 10 VOLUME 24 FALL 2016 9
Kimberley Lessard as a baby
Aboriginal focus: The power of cultural connection, continued members and nation,” says Davie. “I swear they stand taller and carry themselves with greater confidence.” There is now a plan in place for them to be cared for permanently by a relative. Davie has seen some adoptees grow up believing there is nothing good about their nation because they lack positive stories. In many cases, reinforcing the positives will be a job for the adoptive parents. It must be done carefully to encourage interest rather than raising past traumas if this is a concern. “Most of what we hear about our First Nations in media is tragedy and struggle,” Davie says. “There needs to be a balance of understanding. We have a wealth of knowledge and gifts to share.” She recommends having information available and allowing it to become part of a conversation when the child shows interest or asks questions, or when life presents a natural opportunity to draw a connection. “It’s not something to be imposed,” Davie says. Rather, she recommends letting these connections happen “in a very organic way. Find ways to tie it in, in a gentle and positive way.” For example, if a child enjoys painting or drawing, the adoptive parent could say something like, “I heard your birth mother liked to paint. I wonder if you get that from her?”
Kimberley today
“My adoptive parents were huge in traditional ways of doing things. Both my parents and my biological side are good with their hands,” she says. “One thing I did get from my biological side is my spiritual side. I found peace and harmony with my spiritual side.” These gifts have been very important for Lessard. Although she has only visited her nation’s community three times, she has support through a biological cousin and her paternal grandmother. As an adult, Lessard has worked with First Nations people and communities for more than 15 years. Another adoptee, 36-year-old Terriea Harris, was born into the Dakota Sioux First Nation and lived on the Standing Rock Indian Reservation in United States until about age five when she was adopted into a non-Aboriginal family in Canada. She spent her life feeling as though something was wrong with her. Harris met her birth mom about six years ago and began to explore her heritage and culture. She is now a ceremonial Sun Dancer. Exploring and embracing her culture as an adult allowed her to heal the pain she felt as a child and youth because of her lack of connection to her heritage. “In some of my ceremonial circles, I’m able to connect with other people who are Sioux,” she notes. “I’ve always felt disconnected. I am [now] connected to my culture. It’s extremely important. It saved my life. All the missing pieces of the puzzle came together and it makes sense.” ●
Piecing together the puzzle The lived experiences of adult Aboriginal adoptees also underscore how important it is to nurture children’s connections to their ethnocultural heritage. Kimberley Lessard was born in 1976 and adopted to non-Aboriginal parents. Her nation of origin is the Deninu K’ue First Nation in Fort Resolution, Northwest Territories. Although she was adopted before the work of people such as Davie, Lessard was one of the lucky ones whose adoptive parents were open about Lessard’s Aboriginal background, as well as that of her brother. “My parents were not shy about letting us know it was a part of us,” she says. “Every Calgary Stampede, we visited the Aboriginal displays.” Her adoptive parents and her biological parents nurtured her gifts of spirituality and love of nature.
10 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Tips for creating connections Connect with a First Nations Friendship Centre in the nation’s community. Ask questions, listen, and learn. Enroll your child in their school’s Aboriginal program, if possible. Weave the child’s cultural heritage into everyday life by sharing food, art, spirituality, music, and more. Explore the child’s nation’s ceremonies and consult with their nation to ensure important life milestones are marked. Experience activities from a diversity of Aboriginal traditions as well as those that are specific to your child’s heritage. Every nation and community is unique!
Perspectives
History lessons What the closed adoptions of the past can teach us as we open our hearts to the future
BY MARION CROOK
In our Perspectives series, we examine adoption in other places, other cultures, and other times. By widening our lens, we hope to open our minds and develop a deeper understanding of adoption. In this article, which is based on the first chapter of her new book Thicker than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World, Marion Crook offers an overview of the history of openness in adoption in Canada.
Adoption’s early days
Things began to shift in the 1950s, when the number of babies being placed for adoption increased steadily. An adoptee named Jean Paton wrote a book called The Adopted Break Silence, in which she argued that adopted children should be able to know the identities of their birth parents in order to understand their connection to humanity. Most adoption agencies did not accept this, though, and secrecy remained the norm.
Before the 19th century, what we now think of as kinship, clan, or custom adoption—compassionate adults incorporating orphaned children into their families—was essential to many cultures. For example, when Irish immigrants died of typhoid on the Atlantic crossing of 1847, thousands of orphaned children were taken in by French Quebecois families. Parish priests even carefully recorded the children’s family, parish, and county of origin and the name of the vessel on which they’d travelled. However, the attitude that a child had rights and needed both the protection of the law and the love of a permanent family evolved more slowly.
During this same time period, it was common for young, unmarried, pregnant women to be sent away from home to live with relatives or in religious institutions. Their babies were placed for adoption, sometimes against their mothers’ wishes. One markedly dreadful institution of this kind was the Ideal Maternity Home in Nova Scotia, run by William and Gladys Young. This was the infamous “Butterbox” institution, where healthy babies were sold to adoptive homes while babies who were sick or otherwise deemed unadoptable were left to die, and were buried in butter boxes from the local dairy.
In the late 19th century in North America, legal adoptions were rare and limited to wealthy families. Things looked quite different for the poor. Maria Rye, an Englishwoman, made a profitable business of transporting over 3600 British orphans to Canada. At least twenty-five other organizations participated in similar ventures. From 1860 to 1948, 100,000 British children were distributed across Canada as indentured servants and domestics. Only two percent were orphans; the rest were taken from families too poor or sick to care for them. Although these children’s backgrounds weren’t secret, they also usually weren’t considered important enough to document. The children’s memories were their only tie to their past and their history.
Civil rights and the Sixties Scoop
Secrets and silence The first laws regulating adoptions were passed in the US in 1851. Canada didn’t follow suit until 1921, when it created provincial laws to oversee the welfare of its children. By the 1930s, most western countries were committed to legal and regulated placement processes for children. During this time, adopted children were generally thought of as “lower class,” and adoptive parents as inherently superior. Psychologists, social workers, and policy makers believed it was in everyone’s best interests to keep the child’s origins a secret. Birth mothers had few rights, and social workers screened out information that would identify birth and adoptive parents to each other.
In the 1950s, the US civil rights movement influenced Canada’s adoption policies, and transracial adoptions became more common. These families’ differing skin colours made their adoptions obvious; secrecy simply wasn’t an option, and gradually, attitudes toward closed adoption and secrecy began to change. In the 1960s, increased access to abortion and birth control and reduced stigma against single mothers led to a decrease in the number of babies available for adoption. During this same time period, however, the Sixties Scoop began in Canada. Social agents rounded up Aboriginal children by the car or even bus load, sometimes stripping villages of the majority of their children despite the vehement protests of their families and communities. These children were placed for adoption with non-Aboriginal families, who often didn’t know the truth behind their children’s apprehensions until many years later. The Scoop caused horrendous problems for Aboriginal communities, which—in combination with increased awareness of importance of racial identity and cultural affiliation—eventually forced changes in social policy. However, Aboriginal children continue to be vastly overrepresented in Canada’s child welfare system.
Continued on page 22 VOLUME 24 FALL 2016 21
History of adoption, continued
Timeline
Adoptees create change From the 1970s onwards, children who were adopted in closed and secret adoptions grew up and began to organize, advocate, and agitate for their right to know their heritage. Thanks to their voices, the desire to know one’s biological roots began to be understood as a genuine, legitimate need. It wasn’t just for the abused, the disturbed, and the unstable, nor was it inherently a threat to or negation of the adoptive family’s bond. Gradually, institutions began to change to accommodate adoptees’ demands. Reunion registries were established in Britain, Canada, and the US, and changes in legislation gradually made it easier for adoptees to find their birth parents, and vice versa. Eventually, the concept of “need to know” evolved into an understanding of adoptees’ right to know their origins, and to the development of open adoptions as we know them today.
Openness and love in the 21st century Today, adoption records are much more open and accessible. Adoptive parents strive to learn as much as they can about their child’s birth family, and often work together with birth families to support and nurture their child in whatever way works best for everyone. Of course, not all adoptive parents want, or can safely allow, contact with birth families; not all birth families want contact with the adoptee. Even so, the secrecy of the past seems impossible today. Adoptees read books such as The Primal Wound and Attachment Disorders, and realize certain struggles are common to adoptees and aren’t a result of personal failings or individual pathologies. They find and connect with like-minded people on the Internet. They form support groups and encourage discussion. They use social media and DNA technology to find their birth families. Some struggle with the overwhelming long-term effects of early trauma; others find insight, therapy, or coping skills that allow them to successfully regulate their early emotional and physiological upheavals. Adoptive parents, too, can easily find advice and support from others who are dealing similar challenges. Organizations such as the Adoptive Families Association of British Columbia offer cutting-edge educational options, such as webinars, which allow them to learn about the latest and most useful insights into the lifelong journey of adoption. Love isn’t mentioned much in adoption history books—not the ones I read, at least. It’s as though an entire section on love in the adoption story went unwritten, or that adoptions in the the past were motivated solely by convenience, need, and duty. Surely, though, love existed, even if the records don’t reflect it. Secrecy was once seen as crucial to the development and preservation of love in adoptive families. Adoptive parents today know that the more we know about our children’s birth family, the better we will be able to support and guide our kids as they grow. We understand the harm secrecy can cause, and respect and support adoptees’ right to the truth of their heritage. And, through today’s open adoptions, we live out an expanded definition of love—a definition that makes room for truth. ●
For more on Marion Crook’s new book, Thicker than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World, see our review on page 24.
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Adoption in Canada
Early days 1847
Kindship and custom adoption Children orphaned by typhoid on the Atlantic crossing from Ireland taken in by the Quebecois
1860–1948
100,000 British children sent to Canada as indentured servants and domestics
1921 The provinces enact the first child protection laws 1930s
Provincial agencies assume oversight of adoption; adopted childrens’ origins are kept secret
1930s–40s Societal attitude shifts towards believing adopted children are better off when treated “as if born to” the adoptive family 1950s Social shame, pressure force young, unmarried pregnant women to hide pregnancies and place babies for adoption secretly 1954 Jean Paton’s book The Adopted Break Silence is published 1960s The Sixties Scoop (systematic removal of Aboriginal children to non-Aboriginal adoptive homes) takes place. Percentage of Abogirinal children in government care jumps from 1% (1951) to 34% (1964) 1980s 1996–2000s
Reunion registries begin
2000–2016
The Internet revolutionizes adoption education, searching, and reunion
Some provinces begin opening records to adoptees and birth families
Learn more The Sixties Scoop Stolen from Our Embrace by Suzanne Fournier and Ernie Crey Open adoption records in Canada www.originscanada.org/adoption-records/national-status-report
Adopted voice
Openness: the realistic choice Open adoptions can be tricky, but they’re the most honest choice for adopted children, says an adult adoptee
BY CATHERINE MOORE
We’re thrilled to welcome Catherine Moore to the Adopted Voice column. Her experience as both a reunited adoptee and an adoptive mother helps inform her clinical work as an educator and a therapist, with special interests in adoption and health psychology.
Out of the shadows In 2015, the Donaldson Adoption Institute published a major report called the Modern Adoptive Families Study*, which focused on the experiences, perceptions, and needs of non-heterosexual adoptive parents as well as other issues related to diversity in adoption. As I read it, I was reminded how much adoption practices have changed since I was an infant in the early 1960s. While adoption remains a complex and often more challenging way to create a family, I could not be more delighted by the awareness and openness that characterizes most current adoption practices in North America. From where I stand, as an adopted person who was raised in the shadow of secrecy, the openness reported in many modern adoptions feels like sunshine. I was born during a time when having a child out of wedlock was shameful and socially unacceptable. Adopted children and their adoptive parents were viewed as a less legitimate family type, a second class below ‘natural’ or ‘real’ families. Thankfully, time and social evolution have led to change. Adoption is no longer an outlier in the constellation of family structures that also include high rates of divorce and an abundance of blended families. Some of the problems from the past still remain, no doubt, but it’s uplifting to know that they are relics, and that more enlightened and supportive ways of handling adoption’s challenges have become the norm.
The benefits of diversity As I read the Modern Adoptive Families Study, I was surprised to learn that the largest group of adopters in the US are non-heterosexual couples, a trend that is almost certainly echoed here in Canada. Lesbian and gay male couples are four times more likely than heterosexual couples to be raising an adopted child. There are a number of things to celebrate about this development. It reflects our increasingly tolerant and just society and, in my opinion, represents some great benefits for adoptive families, and for the children in particular. The disappearing biases against non-heterosexual couples means more possibilities for permanent, stable, loving homes for the most vulnerable *Read the study at www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/the-modern-adoptivefamilies-study-an-introduction/
infants and children in our society. Non-heterosexual couples are more likely to adopt to adopt from the foster care system than from private agencies, and are also more likely to adopt children who are more difficult to place because they have developmental delays, disabilities, or mental health issues. These parents also tend to be more racially diverse, and to adopt racially diverse children. Parents who already stand out as different have no motivation to pretend to be anything other than what they are, which saves their adopted children from the high cost of secrecy. They’re more likely to be transparent about their own struggles with being marginalized themselves, which models how to cope with feeling different to their adopted children. The report notes that gay and lesbian parents are more likely to embrace openness, and are more likely than heterosexual parents to develop and maintain relationships with birth family, integrating them as extended kin. From my point of view as an adopted person, I think it’s courageous and compassionate for adoptive parents to embrace the burdens (and joys!) of raising children who almost certainly come with extra baggage. It’s a choice that underscores the generous nature of the diverse people who choose to be adoptive parents.
Children first My perspective allows to me to appreciate both the benefits and the costs of open adoption. I appreciate that openness may create its own problems and complexities. However, the reality is that an adopted child has two sets of parents, and denying reality never works in the long run. As both an adopted person and an adoptive mother, I will always choose the side that benefits the adopted child. As the person with the least power in the equation, they are without doubt the most vulnerable and, ultimately, the one who’s most profoundly influenced by their experience of adoption. I welcome openness in adoption because it’s simply better for the adopted child. ●
Catherine is the co-founder (with Ginny Paulsen) and director of We Are Adopted: The Adoptees Association, a non-profit organization acts as a resource for the adoption community, gives adoptees a voice, and aims to meet the needs of adopted people. We Are Adopted offers a monthly peer support and information sharing group, counselling and advocacy services, guest speakers, panels, and quarterly workshops to address adoption issues. Find them at www.weareadopted.ca or on Facebook (search for weareadopted). VOLUME 24 FALL 2016 23
Books & media Jen’s picks Brianna’s
Jen Hillman is an AFABC Adoption Support Coordinator, and an adoptive mom of two adult sons and a daughter. She shares her favourite selections of books and other media with us in each issue (for this edition, Brianna stepped in while Jen enjoyed a well-deserved vacation).
Life Story Books for Adopted Children by Joy Rees
This DVD explores the lives of four adolescents with FASDs and the effects that prenatal alcohol exposure has had and continues to have on their journeys to finding independence, fulfillment, and understanding the world around them.
This book promotes a new, family-friendly way to compile a life story book. Instead of starting with the child’s birth and early history, Rees’s model begins in the present, playfully engaging the child before moving gently into the past. Her approach emphasises the child’s secure present with the adoptive family, and leaves them with a sense of belonging and of a positive future.
Zen Doodling by Carolyn Scrace Zen doodling combines the calming benefits of meditation with the soothing effects of drawing for a unique new take on relaxation. In this book, professional artist Carolyn Scrace offers simple instructions and tons of beautiful examples that will inspire people of all ages to get started in this unique, soothing art form. This would be a great activity for the entire family to explore together!
Moment to Moment: Teens Growing Up With FASDs by NTI Upstream
Your Fantastic Elastic Brain by JoAnn Deak
Aimed at kids between 4 and 8, this picture book empowers kids to understand how their brains work and how trying new things and making mistakes helps them stretch and grow!
Check out our library! AFABC members can borrow these items and hundreds of others. Learn more at www.bcadoption.com/library.
More recommendations : My Name is Sam
The Adopted Life
www.fasdtrust.co.uk
www.theadoptedlife.com/episodes
My Name is Sam is the first app in a series produced by The FASD Trust in the UK. It’s designed to give parents and carers a series of tools with which to introduce their child and others to FASD, and to place the child on a path to success. It contains a story book for children and a guidance section for parents and carers. Available from Google Play and the iTunes App Store.
This new Web series is the brain child of Angela Tucker, the adoptee featured in the documentary Closure. She created it “to provide a platform for adoptee voices, and to give you, the viewer, an inside look at transracial adoption.” In the first 15 minute episode, she talks with six young transracial adoptees. A discussion guide accompanies each episode.
Share your suggestions! Email editor@bcadoption.com with your recommendations for books, movies, TV shows, podcasts, websites, blogs, or other adoption-related media.
24 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Review
Thicker Than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World BY SARAH REID
An optimistic take on contemporary adoption Marion Crook’s second adoption book, Thicker than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World, is more than a how-to for today’s adoptive family. It begins with a thorough and thought-provoking examination of the history of adoption in Canada and other Commonwealth nations. To make sense of modern adoption, Marion recounts how far we’ve come, and exposes the wrongs we are still striving to set right. She unpacks the secrecy and questionable ethics of adoption in past generations, and explores the adoption of Indigenous children through the lens of the residential schools and the Sixties’ Scoop. Marion moves on to explore what motivates people to begin the journey of adoption. She focuses on positive reasons and omits negative motivations, or those that solely serve the needs of the adoptive parent. This is in keeping with the book’s positive tone. Marion intentionally weaves love throughout the book, and closes each chapter with her thoughts on how love shapes every aspect of adoption. Marion then gently leads us through the stages of adoption, from early child development to managing openness in the age of technology. She addresses transracial adoption, special needs, and common fears and concerns of both birth and adoptive parents. Marion writes from her perspective as an adoptive parent but is inclusive of the adoptee’s viewpoint. Her messaging is clearly adoptee-centered, and she relies heavily on the Crook family’s personal experiences as a transracial adoptive family.
Hope, love, and change Marion’s first book on adoption, The Face in the Mirror, interviewed more than 50 teen adoptees. In this book, she includes the perspective of adult adoptees, a group that’s often overlooked in the adoptive-parent– centric research and resources that are currently available. An extensive chapter on search and reunion explores what readiness for contact means for all members of the adoption constellation. Marion offers practical information on access to records within Canada and across the US, and offers suggestions about how to prepare for reunion and to build lasting relationships afterwards. Marion’s book ends with hope. “I am not negating the many choices, challenges, crazy ideas, and weird options that come across our path
in parenting, but I believe it is our fierce love that helps our child find a strong emotional centre and leads him or her to a secure place in the world.” Love alone won’t accomplish that, of course, but Crook’s optimism gives me hope that it’ll go a long ways towards helping our kids achieve that goal. ●
Sarah Reid is AFABC’s Adoption Support Coordinator for the Vancouver Coastal region. Five of Sarah’s siblings joined her family through adoption, and she’s an adoptive mom to Noah and Michaela. Thicker Than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World is available for AFABC members to borrow from our library. It can also be purchased anywhere books are sold. VOLUME 24 FALL 2016 25