Focus on Adoption winter 2016

Volume 24 Winter 2016

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community

e New in th Northn!ds in a AFABC exp orge Prince Ge

Embryo “adoption”

Exploring a new frontier Rooted in rituals

Building attachment and security through tradition, p. 5

FASD and the senses

Finding family online

Meet the Clarkes

What to watch for and how to respond, p. 6

How social media changes everything, p. 10

Farming family adopts three siblings, p.14

Adoption in action!

Our annual donor newsletter, centre insert

Contents Inside this issue: News and information

In Focus

2 Editor’s letter 3 New in the North 4 News and notes

5 8 18 14 16 22

Community 12 Celebrations 19 Winter events 24 Resources

Advice 6 Q&A: FASD and the senses 10 Finding family online 17 Extreme parenting: Find your gratitude

On our cover Jeanette’s smile lights up the dark winter months. Her mom submitted this beautiful shot to our 2015 photography contest.

Rooted in rituals Perspectives: Embryo “adoption” Adopted voice: Looking homeward Meet the Clarkes Writing your own story Opinion: Is knowing our parentage our right?

New in the North Our new programs in Prince George, page 3

Reviews 20 Book review: Managing chronic conflict 21 Books & media

BC’s Waiting Kids 11 Meet Stephanie!

Meet the Clarkes One farm, two parents, three kids, page 14

Extreme parenting: Find your gratitude When our children teach us, page 17

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families

Editor’s letter Homes for the holidays This November, I kicked off Adoption Awareness Month at the Adoption Council of Canada’s “Urgency around Permanency” National Summit in Ottawa. This annual conference brings together some of the strongest voices in adoption from across the country. This year, participants were united by their desire to create a shared national approach to adoption. The Advocates for Children and Youth from BC, Ontario, and Alberta emphasized the need for our national “village” to find appropriate families for the large numbers of children in care, whether through legal guardianship, adoption, customary care, or kinship care. A panel of youth from across Canada also spoke about the stigma of being in care and the difference a single supportive person can make. One of the youth, Violet-Rose Pharoah, is the founder of the Garbage Bag Challenge (www.thegarbagebagchallenge.com). She is carrying a garbage bag for 365 days to raise awareness about how kids in foster care often have to use garbage bags to move their belongings from home to home, and to raise funds to purchase brand new suitcases for them.

At AFABC, one way we support former youth in care and adopted youth is through our bursary program.

Five $1000 bursary awards have just been granted to BC youth to assist in funding their post-secondary education. Congratulations to the two winners of the Howard Legacy Youth Fund and the three winners of the AFABC Youth Bursary! The award certificates will be presented to each youth in their community by an AFABC staff member.

This holiday season, I wish you the gift of family relationships that last long after the turkey has been passed around, and encourage you to work with us to realize the dream of a nation where every child and youth has a permanent, loving home—for the holidays and every day.

Mary Caros Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine

Advertising The deadline for placing and paying for ads is two months prior to publication. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.

Contributions Focus on Adoption welcomes articles, letters, personal stories, photos, and artwork. All may be edited for length and suitability. While Focus on Adoption welcomes differing opinions, they are not necessarily those of the publisher. Reprint Permission Policy: contact the editor at editor@bcadoption.com

Magazine staff Editor: Mary Caros Assistant Editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Graphic Design: Joyce Lu Copy Editor: Moretta Frederick Design concept: Junxion Strategy www.junxionstrategy.com

Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001

Disclaimer The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Focus on Adoption. Many contributing writers to Focus on Adoption are experts from various fields and provide advice to our readers on their individual specialties, but readers should be aware that specific advice can only be given by qualified professionals who are fully aware of a family’s circumstances. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk, and we carry no responsibility for the opinions expressed and assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance on it. © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2015-2016

2 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

New in the North AFABC now has an office in Prince George!

Prince George, the traditional home of the Lheidli T’enneh and Carrier Sekani First Nations people, is widely known as the capital of northern British Columbia. It’s a regional centre for shopping, the arts, outdoor recreation, education, sports, and tourism. Visit AFABC’s office at 213-1717 Third Ave to meet our staff and find out more about our exciting new services.

We also have a new Adoption Support Coordinator for the North Central region! Bev Fowlie has been active in the adoption community both personally and professionally for several years. She has a 20 year old daughter through adoption and, in the past, she has worked as an Adoption Team Leader with the Ministry for Child and Family Development (MCFD). There is not much she hasn’t seen or experienced when it comes to the joys and challenges of adoption and she is eager to lend a hand in supporting families!

Bev comes to the position with lots of energy and ideas but she really hopes to hear from families and groups about what they want and need in their communities. Bev can be contacted at 1-866-303-4591 or bfowlie@bcadoption.com. She would love to hear from you!

The Prince George Support Program AFABC is also very excited to announce a new intensive support service for adoptive families in the Prince George area. The Prince George Support Program offers a range of services including transitioning, crisis support, parent-teen mediation, and specialized groups and workshops.

The Parent Adoption Support Services (PASS) program, an intensive early intervention service focusing on attachment and trauma-informed care for families in the early stages of placement, is also available. Counselling services are provided (in the office or by outreach) by Janice Butler, a registered clinical counsellor with many years of experience supporting adoptive families.

Families can access this service by contacting Arlene, MCFD Team Leader, at 250-614-2660 or Arlene.goddard@bc.gov.bc , or Janice, AFABC Family Counsellor, at 250-981-5886 or jbutler@bcadoption.com.

To learn more about all of our support services, visit www.bcadoption. com/support.

Fall 2015 education highlights New for 2016 AFABC’s Education team is planning an exciting new year! Here’s a taste of some upcoming topics: • LGBTQ Families and Adoption • Attachment and Adoption • Adopting Teens and Tweens • Siblings in Adoption • Social Media and Adoption Dates and details are still being finalized, so keep an eye on www.bcadoption.com/education and sign up for our monthly enews at www.bcadoption.com/enews for the most up to the moment information.

On-demand webinars available now!

Interested in our webinar topics but can’t make the date? View the recorded version of our most popular webinars on your own schedule from the comfort of your home or office! Recorded webinar topics include: • Adoption and Classroom Success • Infertility to Adoption • Cultural Planning in BC • Openness in Adoption • BC Post Adoption Assistance • Health Issues in International Adoption For a complete list visit www.bcadoption.com/webinars and click “View recorded version now!” under the topic description.

Have an idea for a topic we should cover or a webinar we should offer? Get in touch with Rebekah at rcraig@bcadoption.com.

VOLUME 24 WINTER 2016 3

Perspectives

Embryo “adoption”

BY RACHEL CARRIER

In our “Perspectives” series, we examine adoption in other places, other cultures, and other times. By widening our lens, we hope to open our minds and develop a deeper understanding of ourselves, each other, and our roles in the world of adoption. Would you like to write about adoption from a historical or cultural perspective? Contact us at editor@bcadoption.com.

Embryos on ice Most people probably don’t know that there are are 60,000 embryos sitting in cryogenic storage in fertility centres throughout Canada, left over from fertility treatments. Some of these embryos will be used by their genetic families for future attempts at conception, but what happens to the rest? Some will be thawed and disposed of; others will be donated to medical research.

Some families aren’t comfortable with those solutions, though. They may choose a different option: donating them to other infertile people.

Traditionally, international or domestic adoption or specialized medical treatments like in vitro fertilization (IVF) were the only options for infertile people. Now, another option–embryo donation, also known as “embryo adoption”–is becoming more well known and available.

Is it really adoption?

The terms embryo adoption and embryo donation are often used interchangeably. The term “embryo adoption” has no legal meaning, and is not used by clinics in Canada; because of this, we use “embryo donation” throughout this article. In the U.S., however, the term “embryo adoption” is quite popular, which may be why it’s being used colloquially in Canada with more frequency.

In both countries, there’s significant controversy around whether it’s appropriate to use the term “adoption” to refer to a process that, legally speaking, is a type of property transfer. The terms “snowflakes,” “snowflake babies,” and “snowflake children,” which some agencies and individuals use for frozen embryos and for children born from embryo adoption, are equally controversial.

The fundamental aspect of embryo donation is the legally binding transfer of ownership of embryos from the donor family to the recipient family. In both the United States and Canada, embryos are the legal property of their genetic parents, and the laws that apply to the donation process are completely different than those that apply to traditional adoptions.

8 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

An exciting new choice For some people, embryo donation appeals because everyone understands the difficult experience of infertility. For donating individuals, embryo donation allows them to give someone else the opportunity to experience pregnancy. The receiving person is able to control how the baby is nurtured in utero and form a prenatal connection with him or her.

For Beth and Neville McInnis, embryo donation was the perfect way for them to begin their family. “It was a relatively quick option that gave us the ability to carry and nurture our future child, along with the time to grow and prepare for the life changes that were coming when we welcomed this baby into our lives,” says Beth.

Beth and Neville met while working together at a firm in Vancouver. Their relationship bloomed almost as fatefully as their experience with embryo donation. Although they experienced many difficulties with attempting to get pregnant and carry a child to term, they refused to become discouraged. “We’ll get lucky,” Beth kept telling herself. “We’ll have a baby.”

After they struggled with multiple miscarriages, failed IVF treatments, and other infertility challenges, Beth and Neville considered both local and international adoption. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons related to their specific circumstances, they discovered their chances of adopting an infant were very slim.

That’s when the subject of embryo donation came up in a support group chat in which Beth participated. Someone in the group had extra embryos and was looking to donate them to another family. Around the same time, Beth and Neville received a call from Embryo Adoption Services of Cedar Park in Issaquah, Washington, with news of another possible embryo match. They were excited, but within the week, both opportunities fell through.

Although devastated, the couple continued to hope. Things fell into place two days later: they were matched with the Cedar Park embryos for a second time, and the genetic family hoped for an open relationship.

They’re now the proud parents of a healthy son.

Similarities and differences Medically, embryo adoption and donation are one and the same. The recipient woman must undergo extensive treatment to prepare to prepare her body to receive an embryo, and the frozen embryos are transferred to the recipient using the same procedure.

For some families, it’s the perfect compromise. Embryo donation gives an individual or couple the ability to experience pregnancy and carry their child to term despite their lack of a genetic relationship. It’s part adoption, part surrogacy, and all love.

Whether the couple uses a fertility clinic or an agency, the embryos are donated and matched to recipient couples. In the case of a fertility clinic, however, the embryos are often donated anonymously, and there may not be a lengthy application process.

If the couple uses an agency, however, like Beth and Neville did, the process is much more similar to a traditional adoption. Recipient families usually undergo a home study, reference checks, education workshops, and an extensive selection and matching process between the genetic and adopting parents that includes the exchange of full medical and social histories. Unlike in traditional adoptions, however, these processes are not legally mandated; they’re set up at the discretion of the agency or clinic.

“The process is exciting, hopeful, prayerful, and humbling,” Beth says.

The costs of an embryo adoption are comparable to traditional adoption, although in addition to the cost of a social study, criminal check, and agency fees, there are costs associated with the actual transfer of the frozen embryos.

Openness is possible There can be openness in embryo donation, just as there is in traditional adoption. In the past, fertility clinics usually facilitated anonymous donations, but many now facilitate open or semi-open arrangements.

Most agencies give the genetic parents even more control over the process and encourage them to create open relationships with recipient families. Agencies can even assist in preparing openness agreements like those used in traditional adoptions.

Beth and Neville knew they wanted to support an open relationship with their son’s genetic parents and sibling. “I think it’s incredibly important for a child to know their roots,” Beth says. “Knowing their genetic family provides an additional layer of love and support.”

Beth and Neville visit their son’s genetic parents and sibling several times a year, and see them as something of an extended family. “We talk very openly to Tristan about his family and share his story with others within his earshot,” says Beth.

A new horizon Although embryo donations have been growing more popular n the U.S. for approximately 15 years, options in Canada are limited. Because of this, Canadian couples like Beth and Neville often work with agencies in the U.S. Some even travel to countries like Mexico and the Czech Republic, where costs may be lower.

In Canada, several clinics and agencies facilitate embryo donation (see sidebar). None of the Canadian programs use the terms “embryo adoption” or “snowflakes.”

With infertility rates on the rise and thousands of embryos stored on ice, the possibilities for new Canadian families to be built through embryo donation seem almost limitless. Only time will tell how popular this choice will become.

Rachel Carrier was AFABC’s Development and Communications summer student in 2015. She is finishing her undergraduate degree at Simon Fraser University in English and Communications. She lives in Maple Ridge with her family.

Resources Embryo Adoption Awareness Centre (U.S.) is a clearinghouse for information on embryo adoption. It is maintained by Nightlight Christian Adoptions (who pioneered embryo adoption in 1997)s with support from a grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Web site: www.embryoadoption.org Creating A Family (U.S.) is a national adoption & infertility education organization. Our mission is to provide support and unbiased information before, during and after adoption or fertility treatment to help create strong families.

Web site: www.creatingafamily.org The National Embryo Donation Center (U.S.) is a non-profit embryo donation program that works with both donor and recipient families of all races, faiths and ethnicities. They work with families throughout the United States and Canada.

Web site: www.embryodonation.org The Embryo Donation Adoption Group at Adoptive Families Circle is an online forum for people researching or in the process of embryo transfer.

Web site: www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/group/ Embryo_Donation1 “Adopting a legal response to embryo donation” is an interesting article that explores the legal promises and perils of applying adoption laws and practices to embryo donation.

Web site: www.law.utoronto.ca/news/adopting-legal-responseembryo-donation

Clinics and agencies in Canada Victoria Fertility Centre (British Columbia) Web site: www.victoriafertility.com/our-services/embryodonation Beginnings Family Services (Ontario) Web site: www.beginnings.ca Regional Fertility Program (Alberta) Web site: www.regionalfertilityprogram.ca Clinique Ovo (Quebec) Web site: www.cliniqueovo.com Mount Sinai Centre for Fertility and Reproductive Help (Ontario) Web site: www.cliniqueovo.com

VOLUME 24 WINTER 2016 9

Write your own story

BY MARION CROOK

The power of your story Everyone in the adoption constellation has a story to tell from his or her particular point of view. We weave our sense of self into the story and reveal our personalities. The process of storytelling helps us, the storyteller, clearly see our own motivations and values. It also helps others understand adoption from the inside out.

The value of taking the time to write out our stories instead of simply talking about them is that writing allows us to slow down our thinking and ponder what we want to explore. The process is like searching through an overflowing jewellery box full of colourful beads, rings, brooches, and earrings. Some pieces you’ll ignore because you can’t remember where you got them and you never use them anyway.

Some are clearly important: an engagement ring, a single pearl your grandmother gave you when you graduated from high school, your university graduation pin that was so hard-won. The events of your adoption story are like those jewels.

You should also be alert to that possibility that writing could stir up a lot of anxiety or other negative feelings you didn’t expect. Most of the time we can rationally consider our past experiences, but occasionally, the emotions are overwhelming. If that happens, it’s a good idea to seek out a counsellor to help you work through your feelings.

Sometimes the writing process may feel like standing on a stage with a bright light exposing your innermost secrets. When that happens, it helps to remember that once your story is written, it’s up to you to decide what to do with it. The story can stay private or you can share it when you’re ready.

If you do choose share, then you create opportunities to learn from others who live with similar joys and sorrows. Exchanging ideas with others can be a road to understanding, acceptance, and enrichment.

Not everyone wants to write a book the way I did to examine the world of adoption and our place in it, but everyone with an adoption connection can benefit from shining a light of inquiry on their actions and reactions. Taking the time to tell your story can help you understand your life, reconcile losses, and contribute to your personal and family solidarity and strength.

Marion Crook, PhD, is an adoptive parent and the author of over twenty published books, including The Face in the Mirror: Teenagers and Adoption and the forthcoming Thicker Than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World.

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Marion Crook

Writing tips Here’s one way to tell your story. Try it out and see if it works for you.

If not, maybe it will inspire you to try something else.

• List the events of the past that you find relevant and number them.

• Use each event as the header for a separate page or separate file (e.g. “Deciding to adopt”).

• Write a paragraph, just a short one, about the first event.

• Go away and reflect on it, or talk to someone about it.

• Rewrite that event with more detail.

• Proceed with writing about each event in your story. Reflect on and talk about the event as you write it (the proposal, the adoption classes, the waiting, the arrival of the child, your first year as a family, and so on).

• Read a book on adoption, go to a seminar, or attend a meeting about adoption. Listen for concepts that you did not consider in your own story, and then incorporate them back into what you wrote.

If you do write your story, please consider sumitting it to Focus on Adoption! Email editor@bcadoption.com and we’ll go from there.

Extreme parenting

Find your gratitude

BY CLAIRE IVER Claire’s 10-year-old son, Adam, was adopted from a Russian orphanage when he was 19 months old. Her second son, Ethan, joined their family from foster care at age 7. In this series, Claire shares the “fast and furious learning” she and her family experienced when they adopted an older child.

“God is trying to kill me.”

There are few things more life- or soul-destroying than clinging to the feeling that you are a victim of your life experiences, and that the world owes you something for the pain it caused you. And there are even fewer things more life- or soul-destroying than not allowing yourself the space to really feel your loss, fear, and longing.

For about six months after we adopted him, Ethan was in extreme emotional pain. He grieved because he would never be reunited with his birth family in the way he’d hoped. He grieved the loss of his lovely foster family, and his familiar home. He grieved the loss of his precious grandmother who’d passed away the summer before.

Every night at about 3:00 am, he would wake up, come into our room, and tap on my shoulder until I roused. Sometimes we would sit, sometimes we would lay beside each other, sometimes we would head to the kitchen for warm milk. But every night, the tears would flow from deep in the wound of his heart. Every night he would give voice to his memories, his pain, his fears. One night in a moment of anguish, he yelled out “I think God is trying to kill me.” That was how badly his spirit hurt.

I beleived my role was to hear him, to validate his feelings, and to show him a loving and caring mother would go with him as he traversed this painful territory. His feelings were real and raw, and he needed to express them. I also enrolled him in art therapy, which helped.

The wisdom of a child About 12 months after Ethan joined our family we heard from his biological dad. He’s doing well and that news brought us great joy. He shared that he was concerned that Ethan may be afraid to see him again, that the memories of their time together would be hard for him. In a quiet conversation in the car, I told Jay about his father’s worry.

“No, I choose not to remember too much of it,” he replied. “It’s OK. It’s just my story. It’s not that it’s not true, but it’s not about who I am and who I’m going to be. It’s just something that happened.”

Practice gratitude This is the 12th and final instalment of this series, and I’d like to leave on a positive note. I’m channeling Brene Brown here, but I really do believe that joy comes from practicing gratitude. One day, after Ethan told me he believed he was going to have a crappy life, I tried to explain this to him. I said if that’s what he thinks will happen, then he’ll be right. But if he thinks he’ll a great life, then he’ll be right. It’s a choice he has total power over. It’s simply a frame of mind.

I told him about research done in the U.K. with people who believed themselves lucky and people who believed themselves unlucky. All were given the same newspaper in the waiting room. The self-labelled “lucky” ones each found an ad that said “Bring this ad to the researcher and he will give you $100.” The “unlucky” ones didn’t see the ad. Then I talked about how I wasn’t able to give birth to babies, which at the time seemed very sad.

At that point Ethan interrupted me and said, “So, you could have stayed sad, and missed that this is actually better. You got children you love and you were able to give them the gift of having a family.”

My husband and I are so incredibly grateful for these children and all we’ve learned from them.

Get the support you need AFABC’s team of adoption support coordinators, all experienced adoptive parents, are here to support you! They provide community-based one-to-one support, workshops, and family events to adoptive and waiting parents as well as to people considering adoption. To contact the coordinator nearest to you for confidential support, and to connect with others in your community, visit www.bcadoption.com/support.

“AFABC was not just a resource to me, it was a veritable lifeline! The people there normalized my experience, and helped me learn to trust my instincts in the process. Our success so far is owed in large part to the wonderful, knowledgeable folks at AFABC.” - Claire Iver

He’s 8. I am still blown away by his inner wisdom.

VOLUME 24 WINTER 2016 17

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Twice a month at AFABC (200-7342 Winston St., Burnaby) For youth aged 13-24 in or from care or adopted

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