Spring 2015 preview

Volume 23 Spring 2015

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community

Adopted voice: It’s not about gratitude The gift of adoption

Adoption and your taxes

Adoption in Japan

Inside Aboriginal adoption in B.C.

FASD and epigenetics

B.C.’s Lieutenant Governor on her adoption experience, p 3

Savvy strategies from the Canada Revenue Agency, p. 5

Oprhanages, foster care, and adoption, p. 10

The whys and hows of the system, p. 12

Researcher Ben Laufer explains the science, p. 20

Picture Perfect Photo Contest Nothing brings the reality of adoption alive like a photo. We are always looking to enlarge our photo library of children and families who come together through adoption, and we’d love to include your fabulous family photos. Selected entries will be featured on the cover of Focus on Adoption!

First prize: Digital camera (specifics TBA) Second prize: Digital camera (specifics TBA) Third prize: A one-year AFABC membership, including a subscription to Focus on Adoption Magazine Thank you to our sponsor, Broadway Camera, for generously donating the prizes for this contest.

I How to Enter Deadline for entries is May 15. Download a competition entry at www.bcadoption.com/photocontest. Email photos and completed photo release form(s) to editor@bcadoption.com.

Photos can be colour or black and white and must be in JPEG format at 200 dpi resolution or larger. www.bcadoption.com/pictureperfect

How to take a great photograph Tips from professional photographer Lisa Hartley 1. Hold your camera/phone/ipad still. Let that little square or dot, settle on a subject, wait a bit, breathe out, hold your body still and shoot.

Test it out – it will keep your image focused.

2. Rule of thirds. You are using this rule whether you know it or not.

Some cameras have this built in. Simply put, imagine dividing your image into three areas both horizontally and vertically. Where the lines cross is the most powerful area. If you are shooting landscape, shoot horizontally; the bottom third is for the land/ocean, and the top two-thirds isfor the sky. It works.

3. Rule of thirds again. Try shooting vertically for portraits. Bottom third for shoulders. Centered or off centre for middle third.

4. Shoot from above for adult portraits. Your subject will thank you, especially if they are over 30. Put in some angles.

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5. Get down if you are photographing young children. Work at their level. Get in close – see the world from their perspective.

6. Yes, get in close, then closer still, and while you’re at it, remember to eliminate the messy background. Focus on what’s important, and let go of the rest.

Lisa began taking photographs eleven years ago as a way to share stories of her growing family. Her experience as the mother of two energetic and creative girls has given her the insight and understanding to capture the bond between people who love each other. Each moment in a parent or child’s life is individual and memorable.

It is these individual moments that she attempts to capture. She sees photography as an extension of her years of experience studying and teaaching dance, in that she helps individuals move naturally and be themselves in front of the camera.

Visit Lisa’s website at www.lisahartley.com or email her at lisa@lisahartley.com.

Contents Inside this issue: News & information

In Focus

2 Editor’s letter 4 News & notes 5 Adoption and your taxes 12 Inside Aboriginal adoption in B.C.

3 6 10 14

Community 13 Celebrations 17 Spring events 26 Resources

Advice 8 Extreme parenting: when age is more than a number 18 Many doors, no master key 20 Q&A: epigenetics and FASD

The gift of adoption Adopted voice: it’s not about gratitude Perspectives: adoption in Japan Everyone has a story: meet the Vaillancourts 22 Open to experience 23 Black boys and toy guns

Reviews 24 Dear Wonderful You 25 Books & media

BC’s Waiting Kids 16 Meet Jacqueline

Adopted Voice It’s not about gratitude, page 6

Adoption in Japan An expat adoptive parent’s perspective, page 10

Many doors, no master key On our cover This gorgeous photo of the Mansell children in a field of tulips was submitted by their father, Dan, to our 2014 photo contest.

Support makes all the difference in FASD, page 18

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families

Editor’s letter Adoption in bloom

Advertising The deadline for placing and paying for ads is two months prior to publication. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.

Contributions Focus on Adoption welcomes articles, letters, personal stories, photos, and artwork. All may be edited for length and suitability. While Focus on Adoption welcomes differing opinions, they are not necessarily those of the publisher. Reprint Permission Policy: contact the editor at editor@bcadoption.com

Spring is in the air and new growth is in Focus on Adoption! In this issue we’re introducing two new feature columns: Adopted Voice and Perspectives.

The Adopted Voice column was inspired by a wonderful and successful campaign called “Flip the Script” which was organized last November on the Lost Daughters blog, and it effectively took over the Adoption Awareness Month conversation with a strong adoptee awareness voice.

Lost Daughters contributor and adoptee Angela Tucker is a passionate advocate for adopted people, and she kicks off our first Adopted Voices column with “It’s Not About Gratitude” (pgs 6-7). For more adopted voices, check out Deon Commet’s perspective on his adoptive parent’s story in “Meet the Vaillancourts” (pgs 14-15) and our own Erin Melvin’s review of Dear Wonderful You on pg. 24.

Perspectives (pgs 10-11) is a column for examining adoption in other parts of the world, in other cultures, and in other moments in time. We hope that by understanding other adoption places and practices, we’ll deepen our understanding of the best and worst practices for caring for children in care.

The importance of improving our cultural and racial understanding of our children and the world has never seemed more critical, as Charlotte Taylor points out in her reflections on page 23. Recent news events have her wondering about the implications for her and her husband in raising a black son. Furthering our cross-cultural understanding is Anne Clayton’s article on the reasons for placing Aboriginal children with Aboriginal families (pgs 12) whenever possible.

It’s a very full Spring issue – bursting, even. Enjoy the read and enjoy the season’s celebrations: Happy Easter, Mother’s Day and Birth Mother’s Day.

Magazine staff Editor: Mary Caros Assistant Editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Graphic Design: Joyce Lu Copy Editor: Sheryl Salloum Design concept: Junxion Strategy www.junxionstrategy.com

Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001

Disclaimer

Mary Caros Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine

The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Focus on Adoption. Many contributing writers to Focus on Adoption are experts from various fields and provide advice to our readers on their individual specialties, but readers should be aware that specific advice can only be given by qualified professionals who are fully aware of a family’s circumstances. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk, and we carry no responsibility for the opinions expressed and assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance on it. © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2014

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The gift of adoption

BY JUDITH GUICHON Her Honour Judith Guichon, OBC, is the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia.

This article is based on the text of a speech she gave at a press conference for Adoption Awareness Month in November.

Romance, a ranch, and raising kids

Surviving sorrow together

Like so many children, I grew up on stories of Dick and Jane and Spot. I imagined I would fall in love with Prince Charming and have perfect children and live happily ever after. My youthful adventures took me across Canada to Yukon where I met my Prince, a commercial pilot who later morphed into a rancher. Between us we had twelve siblings and naturally assumed we would have at least half a dozen children to run wild on the ranch.

When my children were 20, 16, 15 and 13 we tragically lost their father in an accident. We had already made the decision to send Darcy to a private school, hoping to help develop his talents. I followed through with that plan.

It’s a mistake I have regretted to this day. Here I was, sending off a child who had already been given away.

Well, the years passed and we faced reality and began the adoption process. I remember when the call came—it all happened very suddenly.

It’s impossible to describe the joy and happiness that filled our hearts as we went to the office and met our 10 day old daughter, Allison. She was and still is perfect in every way.

One, two, three, four ...

We never wanted our daughter to be an only child, and so we applied for a second infant. Just a few days prior to Allison’s fourth birthday we went to pick up her birthday present: a new baby brother. She was very excited for about four days, until the crying became annoying and she decided we should return her brother and get a puppy instead.

Michael, born a month early and struck with colic, didn’t find life to be easy.

When he started kindergarten he weighed all of about 26 pounds, and we discovered he only had hearing in his right ear. None of that stopped him from becoming the sweetest little guy in the world.

Our family grew again in 1989 when a relative called out of the blue and asked if we were interested in adopting two more children, a brother and sister, ages three and five. The mother of these two youngsters had older twin boys and was struggling on her own. We didn’t hesitate to say yes. We’d always wanted a large family and we had plenty of resources and wide open spaces to offer.

We picked these two little people up in the dark one evening and drove them away from their home. What a terrible trauma. But Tabitha and Darcy were the strongest little souls you could ever meet. They went on to face the world with honesty and incredible bravery.

For a short time after the accident we were in survival mode. To say that I would not have endured without my children is not overstating the case.

The love of my children enabled me to carry on.

We grew. The ranch grounded us. The children matured into caring, curious individuals with wonderful hearts. All except one son have established relationships with their birth families and know and enjoy their birth siblings.

I believe this is very healthy and has added a great deal to their lives. I’ll encourage my newly married son to go through this process as well.

My eldest daughter is the mother of my amazing granddaughter, and has recently started the adoption process as a single parent. As a rancher she has resources and a wonderful lifestyle and can offer a permanent family to a child. In addition, she has First Nations ancestry and her daughter is Metis; they are both bilingual. What a rich, diverse opportunity they can afford to a little person.

Children of our heart The adoption process is necessarily long and somewhat cumbersome. We will never be able to make it perfect because we are dealing with humans and all their eccentricities, but the families that it creates, with all their bumps and warts, are the wonderful reward for perseverance. Families today come in all shapes and variations. This is part of our beautiful and growing diversity.

When my eldest daughter was about six, one day she started a conversation with “When I was in your tummy, Mommy ...” I corrected her; she had always known she was adopted. I said that although I had never carried her in my tummy, I had carried her in my heart for many years. These children are truly the children of our hear, and adoption is a gift that we share forever throughout our lives.

VOLUME 23 SPRING 2015 3

Adopted voice

It’s not about gratitude

BY ANGELA TUCKER Welcome to the first instalment of our new “Adopted voice” column.

Although Focus on Adoption has always included writing by adopted people, the recent #FlipTheScript campaign (which promotes the importance of listening to adopted people) inspired us to create this dedicated space. If you’re an adoptee of any age who’s interested in writing a column for “Adopted voice,” we’d love to hear from you at editor@bcadoption.com.

My adoption story Prior to my adoption, I lived in Tennessee with my birth mother (in utero) and then spent one year in foster care. Doctors’ assessments of my potential medical issues deterred black families from adopting me, so a white couple with experience parenting children with special needs was selected. I moved across the country to the most northwestern corner of the United States and joined what would become a family of seven adopted and biological children. All of us varied in our racial makeup, ethnic background, cultural affiliations, and physical capabilities.

I am grateful to have been adopted, but I’m also incredibly sad. I am grateful to have lived a very full life so far. I learned to play the cello and piano, participated competitively in sports of my choosing, modeled in some commercials, completed my undergraduate degree, and travelled a little. I developed a love of learning and reading, typically not straying too far from topics having to do with the psychology of human interaction or human behaviour. I have been blessed with opportunity.

Growing up in a family with a bunch of siblings can be challenging. Add various ethnicities and multiple medical diagnoses and psychological labels to the mix and it becomes “interesting.” I learned to expect our unusual family would be stared at. Some people stared out of curiosity, while a few stared out of fear. Some stared in awe at my parents’ undertaking. Others stared because they simply wanted to get to know or understand us. I learned the art of kindly deflecting inappropriate statements directed at my unique family.

Dreaming about my story My privileged childhood was jam-packed with daily activities, but I still found time to wonder about my birth mother and her story. Who was she?

What would life have been like had she been able to raise me? Would I have learned the piano or played collegiate basketball? My parents willingly indulged these conversations. They always shared everything they knew about my birth from redacted hospital records and haphazardly

6 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

written social work reports. They encouraged me to write letters to my foster family, joined me in my fantasies about which African-American celebrities could possibly be my birth parents, and so on. However, this wasn’t enough. I needed to at least try to find concrete answers.

At that time, the law prevented adoptees in closed adoptions from searching for birth parents until turning 18. My curiosity wouldn’t wait until 18, so I had to quench it in other ways. Even though I knew my birth mother probably lived in a completely different state, I would look through the county phone book, hoping a name would jump out at me and I’d automatically know it was hers. In high school I wrote a letter, hoping that it would magically make its way in to her hands (it didn’t).

The letter Dear Ms. Deborah, There are some things I have always wanted to say to you.

I think the world of you.

I admire your ability to go through with an undesired pregnancy, especially without any help, doctors, books, or guidance. I am amazed by your courage and foresight in knowing that keeping your pregnancy a secret was the best choice for yourself, and for me. I want to thank you for thinking ahead enough to find an adoption agency to place me in a home. I don’t know many people who are as selfless as you, who have the strength to carry a baby to term, walk in to the hospital alone and in labor, and walk out of the hospital alone and empty-handed.

Thank you for reading, Angela Although this letter contains my heartfelt teenage truths, there was quite a bit that was omitted. In hindsight, I am aware that this letter was essentially an advertisement to my birth mother: carefully written, purposefully short in length, and crafted with strategic emphasis on societally accepted themes. I was afraid a more honest letter might sound angry and deter a response.

What I didn’t say If I hadn’t been trying so hard to write a letter that would please this woman with whom I’d felt a strong connection, I might have written about the sadness I still feel in knowing that there weren’t any hospital flower deliveries, pointlessly gendered pink balloons, or other trinkets that are so often a part of the celebration of new life.

If I had been able to write a more truthful letter, I would’ve written about the tragedy that my birth mother was not given the proper counsel and professional support that she so obviously needed during and after my birth. If this letter had made its ways into her hands, I could’ve learned that my wording in the letter was incorrect. Her pregnancy with me was not undesired, but rather unplanned. Since our reunion, my birth mother has expressed that she has a hard time imagining me as a grown adult; she says, “I keep searching for my baby! Where is she?”

Forever etched in my birth mother’s mind is an image of that newborn baby, and forever etched in my subconscious memories are feelings of unresolved loss. Trauma has a way of keeping us stuck in the moment the pain occurred. I am saddened society refused to step up during my birth mother’s time of great need. So often, I hear messages of gratitude and thanks for birth parents, similar to the sentiments I stated in my original letter. But I also know that too often, these words are only lip service.

Listening to adoptees In November (National Adoption Month), I participated in the #FlipTheScript social media movement. The successful campaign, created by the adoptee-centric website The Lost Daughters, allowed adoptee voices to hold a prominent space in the discourse. Adoptive parents are overwhelmingly represented in adoption dialogue, laws, and public perception, and oftentimes adoptive parents unwittingly direct their own children’s narratives. A full understanding and education about adoption cannot be had without listening to adoptees’ first-hand perspectives of what it means to be adopted.

Many adult adoptees with whom I’ve spoken report feeling that society expects perpetual, uncomplicated gratefulness from them. But even though our childhoods and adulthoods may have been stable, positive and joyful, we adoptees may also still experience a pervasive longing to know our personal histories and/or return to our primal environment. I don’t believe adoptees want to reject or disown our adoptive parents; rather, we want to understand the losses our youngest selves faced.

In Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search For Self, Dr. David Brodzinksy states “The loss for the adoptee is unlike other losses we have come to expect in a lifetime, such as death and divorce. Adoption is more pervasive, less socially recognized, and more profound.” Having attorneys, doctors and social workers making major life choices for us invariably lends itself to feeling a lack of control. Adoptive parents may find that supporting primal losses aids adoptees in developing more holistic and healthy identities.

I echo Alex Haley’s quote: “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage – to know who we are and where we came from.

Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness.”

Angela Tucker is a trans-racial adoptee, adopted from foster care. She recently reunited with some of her birth relatives, and is still actively searching for another birth sister as chronicled in the documentary Closure. Angela is a columnist and editor for The Lost Daughters and her personal blog The Adopted Life. She has been featured on BBC World Have Your Say, and has written for Christianity Today.

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Pat Buckley, RCC, provides counselling to individuals, couples, families and youth. She specializes in the areas of bonding and attachment, grief and loss, and all adoption issues.

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Contact Pat for more information on these options.

Suite 210 5660-176A St, Surrey, BC pbuckley@shaw.ca VOLUME 23 SPRING 2015 7