Summer 2014 preview

Volume 22 Summer 2014

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community

Help for families

Speciale Feaatku-Orut

Eight ways you can make a difference

Spe sletter Youth new

In praise of Steves

Cooling the fire

Saying yes to youth

Identity matters

Unexpected challenges

The importance of men who care, p. 3

Healthy ways to deal with adoption-related anger, p. 21

New approaches to permanency and family, p. 10

Dr. Lisa Gunderson on race, ethnicity, and culture, p. 8

Same-sex adoptive families still face hurdles, p. 16

Contents Inside this issue: Community

Parenting

6 Regional focus: Northwest and Peace River regions 15 Summer events

7 Extreme parenting: below the surface 8 Ask the expert: Dr. Lisa Gunderson 20 Living openness: the big why

Family 3 In praise of Steves 16 Unexpected challenges 18 Everyone has a story: meet the Burrs

Advice 21 Cooling the fire 22 Practical help for struggling families

News 2 Editor’s letter 4 News & notes

Reviews 24 Books & media

Saying yes to youth New approaches to permanency, Page 10

Youth 10 Saying yes to youth 12 Never too old for forever

BC’s Waiting Kids 14 Meet Alana, James, Ben, and Tim

Identity matters Expert advice on race, ethnicity and identity, Page 8

On our cover

Special!

Inse-rOtut

Speak sletter Youth new

L to R: Karl Keno, David Keno, dad John Keno, and Aiden Keno. Photo by Andrea Keno. Mom Mary Ellen writes, “We are the Keno family: John and Mary Ellen, Heather 28, Andrea 26, Krista 24 (Jordan, Isaiah, Braelyn), Brent 19, Jennifer 15, Karl 14, Aiden 13 and David 13. We live in beautiful Parksville on Vancouver Island. When our daughters-bybirth were five, seven, and nine we adopted Brent (who is Chinese and has Down Syndrome) from Vancouver. Six years later we adopted David (who is First Nations and has Down Syndrome), followed four years later by his birth siblings Jennifer and Karl (who have FASD). Four years later adopted Aiden (from Bulgaria). Aiden too has Down Syndrome. Our eldest daughter Heather is about halfway through her first adoption of a six year old boy with Down Syndrome from Bulgaria.“

Unexpected challenges Two couples share their stories, Page 16

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families

Editor’s letter Youth are awesome!

You’ll notice that this issue is a little larger than usual, and has a little more attitude. That’s because it contains the Speak-Out Youth newsletter, an anual magazine created by teens for teens. The youth in the AFABC Speak-Out Youth group develop crosswords and comics and write stories and articles throughout the year for this annual publication.

Adoption stories and experiences are often focused on infant and child adoption, and rarely include positive portrayals of teens. Part of the challenge of describing the teen adoption experience is battling the stereotypes that exist around teens in general. Last year, we challenged the SPCA’s unfortunate use of a Facebook meme that suggested that people should adopt a teen if they wanted something to ignore. These stereotypes are just one of the hurdles we encounter when we try to create profiles that do justice to the hundreds of youth waiting for homes. Despite overwhelming and challenging circumstances, most of these teens are optimistic, creative, and engaging.

Sometimes the language we use to create a portrait of a teen can be problematic, too. We received a thoughtful letter in response to our teen profile in the Spring issue, cautioning us to be more careful and respectful when it comes to describing elements of identity like gender and culture. Like all teens, the youth who are hoping to join a permanent family are balancing social pressures, work, school, and hormones, and we need to work carefully to portray their uniqueness and their needs positively and inclusively.

Another challenge to successful teen profiling is the current BC privacy policy which prevents the use of photos in sharing information about waiting teens. In a recent TV interview, B.C.’s Information and Privacy Commissioner Elizabeth Denham expressed her willingness to move forward with the use of photo listings (already in practice in Alberta and Ontario) for child and youth profiles, as long as there is appropriate security and permissions in place. This is a positive step, and we hope that it results in new profile practices that create more permanent families for waiting children and youth.

We hope you enjoy this issue of youth awesomeness!

Subscribe to Focus on Adoption online at www.bcadoption.com/subscribe.

Focus on Adoption magazine is published four times a year (winter, spring, summer, fall).

Advertising The deadline for placing and paying for ads is two months prior to publication. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.

Contributions Focus on Adoption welcomes articles, letters, personal stories, photos and artwork. All may be edited for length and suitability. While Focus on Adoption welcomes differing opinions, they are not necessarily those of the publisher. Reprint Permission Policy: contact the editor at editor@bcadoption.com.

Magazine staff Editor: Mary Caros Assistant Editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Graphic Design: Joyce Lu Copy Editor: Sheryl Salloum Design concept: Junxion Strategy www.junxionstrategy.com

Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001

Mary Caros Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2014

2 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

Correction In the article “Five Days in Xi’an” in our Spring issue, we wrote that River’s foster mother BaoRong accompanied him to his first surgery. He was actually accompanied by his foster sister, Christy.

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Lisa Gunderson is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who focuses on multicultural issues. She is an award winning educator and inclusivity consultant for educational and organizational institutions. During her PhD in clinical psychology, she specialized in issues for minoritized youth, including ethnic identity. She lives in Victoria with her family, including 8- and 12-year-old biethnic sons. To learn more about Dr. G., visit www.oneloveconsulting.com.

Ask the Expert

Identity matters

BY LISA GUNDERSON, PHD

We asked readers to submit their questions for Dr. Gunderson, and the response was overwhelming. If your question isn’t answered here, please look for it in our next issue.

My child (11 years old) completely rejects anything to do with his birth country, culture, and racial group.

The most important step is to have an honest conversation about your observations with your son and try to identify why the rejection is happening.

Rejection is a behavior that underlies emotions, such as anger, fear, and sadness. Your child may be reacting to trauma or to negative experiences that happened in his birth country. He may think that acknowledging and understanding his birth culture or racial group will cause hurt, rejection, or dishonor to you and the family somehow. He may have noticed others of his race and/or culture being treated negatively within the community. He may be feeling rejected by, disconnected from, or uncomfortable with other people who are racially or culturally similar to him.

If he lives in a predominantly white area and the majority of his peers are white, he may feel he has to assimilate. He may be afraid that if he doesn’t, he won’t be accepted by his white peers or be considered truly “Canadian”. Minoritized individuals often attempt to identify with white society, which can cause them to feel ashamed of their own ethnicity and lead to a fragmented sense of identity. If your child is bi/multi-racial, this rejection may be part of his exploration of the fluidity of his identity.

Affirm your love for him and acknowledge that you do not understand this experience (unless you were transracially adopted as well). If his rejection is still vehement, involve a counselor with experience in identity/multicultural issues.

My adopted child (five years old, of African heritage) struggles with his visual difference in the family and says he hates his dark skin.

This isn’t unusual in the early stages of forming racial identity. Ethnic and racial awareness begins at three or four years of age. Your child understands that he’s racially different from the rest of his family. This difference is magnified if most of the other people around him in his life and in the media he consumes are non-black.

8 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

At this age, your son’s rejection of his skin colour can be an attempt to escape his racial heritage. First, ask him why he “hates” his skin. Then, ask what colour he wants to be, and why.

You’ll probably find his answers fall into one of these categories: He wants to identify more with his family. If this is the case, consider doing a racial audit of your home life and community (imagine it through his racial lens) and make adjustments.

Remember, your child is going to have to navigate both racial and ethnic waters.

Dr. Gunderson

He associates his blackness with traumatic or negative experiences.

In this case, seeing a child multicultural counsellor is appropriate, depending on his personal history.

He’s consciously or unconsciously learning that white is better, and/or he’s internalizing negative black stereotypes.

This is a great time to introduce books such as Sandy Lynne Holman’s Grandpa, is Everything Black Bad?, and All The Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color, by Katie Kissinger. For girls who “hate their hair,” consider Lynne’s Grandma Says Our Hair has Flair.

Do not tell him his race doesn’t matter. It does. The key is not colour blindness but colour equality.

My spouse and I have European ancestry, but identify as Canadian. We don’t feel connected to our ancestors’ cultures. Does that matter?

Yes, it does. It’s common for some Canadians of European descent to identify more with their nationality than with their ethnicity or race.

Nationality and ethnicity are not interchangeable. Nationality can be given up, applied for, or revoked. This is not true for race or for ethnicity.

General Process of Racial/ Ethnic Identity Development 1. The child* becomes aware of race and/or ethnicity and learns “White is right or best.” He seeks to assimilate and be accepted by the dominant (white) group, and may distance himself from other persons of their racial group.

2. The child experiences discrimination or a race-related event, and understands that some people don’t consider her equal.

She then begins to focus on becoming a member of the minoritized group.

3. The child tries to understand and learn about his group and his racial and ethnic heritage. He may denigrate or feel anger towards the dominant group during this time, but this lessens as he focuses on trying to affirm himself. He may make changes to his clothing, hair, or name, or become politically or culturally involved.

4. The child maintains connections with same race peers, peers of other minoritized groups, and whites who are understanding of minoritized issues.

Even if your family changed nationality at some point, your roots are still European. Your ancestry, historical background, language, rituals, traditions, behavioural traits, dress, religious traits, and more form your ethnicity and cultural heritage.

When you are part of the dominant (white/European) culture, these things may seem “normal” or “Canadian” to you, even though you are actually immersed in your culture. A nice book to begin the conversation is We All Have a Heritage by Sandy Lynne Holman. Canadians come in all races and ethnicities. You must acknowledge your own, especially for your kids.

How important are role models in the formation of a youth’s racial identity? Is there a typical process for forming a strong racial/ethnic identity?

Role models are very important. To get a sense of this, just imagine never having had a role model who shares your gender. Understanding your racial and ethnic identity is incredibly important to psychological health and informs all other aspects of your life, including gender, sexual orientation, ability status etc.

Academics from the U.S. have developed racial identity models for each major ethnic group. A general overview of these models is described mostly in stages (see sidebar) that people go through as they develop

5. Finally, the child solidifies a positive sense of her racial identity and expands that sense to others. She realizes she does not need to denigrate any other racial group be proud of her own identity. *Although we use the term ‘child’ for simplicity, people of all ages may experience these stages. Some people may move through some of the stages more quickly than others, return to earlier stages, or remain “stuck” in a particular stage without ever progressing to the stages that follow.

their own racial and ethnic identities. It would be a great idea for you to spend some time learning about your own racial identity stage.

For white parents, I recommend an excellent, easy, engaging read by Dr. Robert Jensen, The Heart of Whiteness: Confronting Race, Racism and White Privilege. I also suggest A Race is a Nice Thing to Have: A Guide to Being a White Person by Dr. Janet Helms, or books by Tim Wise , which are more challenging.

The second instalment of Dr. Gunderson’s asnwers to your questions will appear in the Fall 2014 issue of Focus on Adoption. Dr. G. will also expand on these and other topics in an AFABC webinar in the fall. Keep an eye on www.bcadoption.com/education for all the details!

Are you a professional with adoption-related expertise? We’re always looking for our next expert. Email us at editor@bcadoption.com or connect with us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/focusonadoption to find out more.

VOLUME 22 SPRING 2014 9

Living openness

The big why

BY CHARLOTTE TAYLOR

My five-year-old son, Victor, has known his birth parents his entire life, and he’s met all of his birth aunts, uncles and grandparents.

children stay with their original parents and family, never have to wonder what life would be like had they stayed, and never have to ask “Why?”

We go to adoption gatherings and meetups, and he knows umpteen kids who were adopted. We talk about adoption, we read about adoption, and we stand out as an adoptive family. Sometimes, I feel like we are adoption. The problem is we’ve done such a great job of normalizing adoption that Victor thinks all kids were adopted.

I hadn’t ever anticipated needing to explain why some kids live with their biological families. This is the societal norm; we adoptive families are the exception. Somehow, though, we’d managed to normalize adoption to such an extent that he thinks all kids were adopted. This question is really the flip side of the big adoption question, which is “Why was I adopted?”

This came to light while reading I’m Adopted, a children’s book that explains adoption in simple terms through photos and text. I always ask Victor which of the kids in the book look like his friends or have similar situations. He’ll point to a girl and say, “That’s like Sophia,” and we’ll talk a bit about her experience joining her family. He gets to see that he’s not the only one who was adopted, that all experiences are different, and that he has peers and a real community.

Why wasn’t he adopted?

Recently, he noted that one of the kids in the book looks like his friend Kris. I asked him if Kris was adopted (knowing that he wasn’t). Victor said “Yes.” I raised my eyebrows, and said, “No, actually, Kris wasn’t adopted.”

Victor looked at me long and hard and said, “Why? Why wasn’t he adopted?”

We’ve talked to Victor a lot about how he entered our family: how we all slept in the living room that first night because of a suffocatingly hot, record-breaking heat wave; how he took the bottle right away; how he went through a record amount of diapers; how cute he was, and how happy we were to finally be a family with a child to hold and to love.

My own feelings and memories are always there lurking in the back of my mind, though: how we witnessed his birth mother sobbing on the hospital bed the day we went to pick him up; how it felt like the worst kind of torture; how that memory still brings me to my knees; how we relived the grief during the first visits with his birth family; and how we watched them struggle to come to terms with one of the most difficult decisions a person can make.

How do I explain to a five-year-old that most people never have to experience this–that most kids’ parents simply talk about that wonderful day they gave birth to their children? How do I explain that most

20 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

All the (wrong) answers

A series of inadequate and troubling responses blew through my brain.

“Well, because Kris lives with his birth parents.” (Wrong terminology.)

“His birth parents kept him.” (Ugh.) “His birth parents didn’t give him away.” (Double ugh.)

“He lives with the parents that gave birth to him.” (Confusing.)

“His birth parents didn’t place him for adoption.” (Still confusing.)

“He only has one set of parents; the ones who gave birth to him.” (Ouch.)

“He doesn’t have birth parents; he has, well, parents.” (Makes no sense.)

Finally I simply said, “Because he lives with his parents.”

Luckily, Victor was bored by then and moved on to other pressing issues, like which zombies are the most powerful and which snakes are the fastest.

Books to the rescue—sort of Although Victor seemed unscathed, his question preyed on me, and I wanted to strike the right chord the next time he mentioned it. I looked through our book collection, and found How I was Adopted by Joanna Cole. We read the story, which is narrated by a little girl. “Many children stay with the women who gave birth to them,” she explains. “Some children do not. Some children need to be adopted the way Mommy and Daddy adopted me.” Victor liked the book and seemed satisfied with the explanation. Phew.

A few days later, I told my husband that Victor thought his all his friends were adopted. Victor looked at us quizzically. “Mom,” he said. “What does adopted mean?”

Apparently it means we still have more work to do.

Charlotte Taylor is a mother in an open adoption with her son’s birth parents.

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